[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi,

For the bandage from the nurse, I guess it’s because the open wound was near to my spine so when she was removing the bandage from inside the wound, it was directly sending a huge pain in the spine itself (it was on the coccyx) that’s why I was crying… and I was laughing at the same time probably to try to relief the tension in my body because the more I was tense the more pain I was feeling…I guess it was an automatic type of reaction…I can handle a lot of body pain usually but this one…it was just horrible !!!

Today and yesterday after an entire week of fever it seems that it’s finally gone so I am feeling better now, I still have some “head in vice” type of feeling and still tired but at least I am feeling better. I am on sick leave until tonight so taking the time to rest during the day. I shouldn’t be contagious anymore, it’s “only” during the 7 or 8 first days after getting symptoms or at least the positive test result…But I’m not supposed to go out until tomorrow as you have to wait 48hours after fever is gone. I’m still going out just to walk my dog and I am avoiding time where a lot of people are out. And I have still some symptoms as “cold type” ones and I lost a bit taste and smell but not for everything. It’s weird lol but no breathing issues which is great.

For my birthday yes, it did hurt to receive message like “I wouldn’t feel comfortable to meet someone who has been tested positive” which is definitely making me feel like “leper”. I told my friend and it seems it was more like a general comment and not directly for me but still…It’s double pain when you have been contaminated and isolated for 14 days to hear your friend having this type of comment which is looking like “I don’t want to meet you”. Especially when you know their own behaviour and that they might meet a lot of people who are positive without just knowing it. I told them how it made me feel and that’s ok now that it’s sorted. They understand that their comment wasn’t really nice to hear. Once again I wouldn’t put anyone at risk and that’s why I cancelled it myself even if the doctor told me I wasn’t contagious anymore. Their comments came after, which is why I was hurt…But I didn’t kept it for me so I’m feeling better now lol

I’m gonna celebrate it with one of my friend just going to a restaurant on Saturday evening (if our president statement tonight are not announcing restaurant closure) and with my dad’s family on Sunday for lunch. I wouldn’t have gone for a “Zoom birthday”…What I’m missing right now is real interaction and going out of my place. Zoom is just not something I like at all. I’ll do it with my mom as she is abroad but that’s it 🙂

Emilie

[Emilie S]

My little me has been comforted as no one has been contaminated lol but I was ok in the end because I knew I was doing the social distancing and cleaning hands and all so it wouldn’t have been obviously me who would have contaminated them…Especially considering my friends activities…Taking public transport, going to work, restaurant…and all…

I cancelled my birthday this next Saturday due to all this and I have to be honest I am a bit upset after some of my friends…My doctor told me that there was no point for me to do the test again as I could still be positive but not contagious and some of them were just not comfortable being with someone who has been tested positive even if I am not contagious anymore…Their reaction just upsetted me because they know I would never put anyone at risk. Nevermind…I’ll keep my self-lockdown and that’s it.

For the test itself, once again it’s not really painful so I would more think that it’s nerves reaction to the stick in the nose. I have pretty sensitive eyes so as soon as I have a cold they are crying, I didn’t cried for pain itself it was just automatic reaction. But I didn’t feel any pain at all. But few years ago I had a surgery and I was really really going through a lot of pain. I had an open wound and the nurse came to change the bandage every day and while she was doing it I was both crying and laughing at the same time…So I don’t know what it means according to your study ? 🙂 lol

Gym are closed here, bars as well…restaurant have strict rules…but I’m not really concerned about all this loool

And yes strong patterns…it’s not like if I was really looking for them but it seems that Libra are attracted by Sagittarius lool

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi,

Thanks for your message.

I know it’s not my fault and that it could have happen in any case and some of them might have been contaminated or not and it could be me or not aswell…As I said they have more social life, they are going to work,…So you’ll never know.
But it’s hard not to have this small guilt feelings even though my brain knows all this 🙂

And I see more and more that everything is coming for a reason lol

I had my doctor appointment so I’m not working until the end of this week which is great I’ll be able to rest !! I need it so much…Today I spent my day doing laundry to clean all the towels, bed cover and all…I did a bit of cleaning also to disinfect everything…I’m so tired and not able to sleep it’s frustrating !!

Some of my friends went to get tested today and some tomorrow. We all have the same conclusion, it’s unpleasant but not painful but REALLY unpleasant lol

The guy asked me before being tested if It was painful or not so I told him not painful but unpleasant and my eyes cried but not for the pain just it’s weird. He sent me a message after his test telling me it was so weird that he laugh…I was like ok better than crying then lool

I just wanted to share a funny fact, but it seems that I am attracted to sagittarius guys…My ex the one I stayed with during 4 years was born December 9th the fireman was born December 12th and this guy December 13th (the last 2 in 1981 it’s crazy lol)…I have a pattern looool It made my day lol

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi,

Thanks for your message…It is definitely a bummer…I’m finally gonna start believing in this “bad timing” things loool

I’m not afraid for myself at all as I said I don’t have severe symptoms nor my sister. But we are a bit afraid because we met our grandma during this same weekend…She seems to be ok for now and doesn’t feel any symptoms, she is currently travelling in Portugal…So she will be tester while she will be back on Friday…We really hope she won’t be positive she is more at risk than us…

I’m am feeling frustrated definitely because I was taking so much precaution almost avoiding all social events and working remotely and all…And even with that I got it 🙁 I have so many friends who are having much more social life than I do, who even went for vacation and all and didn’t get it…And I do one only thing and BING.

I’m embarrassed because I might have contaminated like 10 people including my Pole teacher and my friend from Pole class…I’m frustrated for them because she cancelled all her class and she won’t be paid “because of me” and same for another friend who is having her beauty parlour and she is alone so no income if she close it 🙁 Also some of them met their parents or grand parents over the weekend…so I am literally afraid for them…

I’m also not feeling really great about the guy lol what a great way to get “revenge” …I’m joking I don’t wish him at all to be positive, but I’m afraid as he was with his son during the weekend and even yesterday night and I guess today…He had to tell the mom also…And he met his own mom which is once again someone more at risk…

It is indeed “funny” that we are remaining connected because of covid but ..not that much lol
In the end he kind of “won” he didn’t wanted to shut down the contact…and here we are loool
I’m feeling so guilty he is thanking me all the time for letting him know, for dealing with health insurance and all…And I’m like “don’t thank me…I might have give it to you that’s horrible you can’t thank me for this” lol (same with my friend though). Everyone is so nice to me, telling me not to feel guilty and all…But can’t really help it until I know they are all safe and negative…

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi again…
I am positive to covid aswell got the result during the afternoon. I spent all my evening sending lessages and getting phone calls from friends and family. I am pretty tired tonight i guess symptoms are there now 😅
I also let the guy know, i even called him to tell him health insurance would contact me and i would give his name like this he will have prescription to be tested. He thanked me 10 times for letting him know and asked me how i was feeling and all…He also told me to keep him posted and that he would do the same…😅😅 i guess this subject isn’t totally closed anymore thanks to covid 🙈🙈🙈
I also told my ex that i would have to delay again restaurant and tools back as i was positive. 🙈🙈🙈
What a great way to be in touch with guys 🤣🤣🤣
I have a doctor appointement (visio one) tomorrow to get a note to stop working for few days i need to rest, i am not able to focus on anything my brain Is so slow…
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Kanya,

Thanks, my sister is “ok” she hasn’t been hospitalised or so, so it’s not a strong covid case which is great She is having strong headaches and cold and yesterday she told us she was maybe loosing a bit the smell but at the same time when you got cold it happens…She isn’t facing severe covid symptoms.

I didn’t hear that much people around me getting tested positive which is good though ! I’m doing ok, I am pretty tired these days but I was thinking it was more like residual fatigue from the wedding, plus the date night, plus my sister’s bday and also my workout week but might be because of covid..I also have a bit of cold and headaches but considering the current weather here I wasn’t really thinking about anything else.
I should get the result within 72 hours but I don’t know exactly they have so much person getting tested that it might be longer…I’ll let you know 🙂 In any case even if I was positive it’s not that bad for me no breathing issues nor taste nor smell losses so it’s ok.

And yes of course his response was full of kindness and opening lol I got this but that’s ok I’m not having hopes on this. Sadly I closed the thing with him and I had to send him a message to let him know I might have covid so I might have share it with him as well…So of course he was kind once again, but I guess it’s just his personality not even real opening things. He is sorry for my sister and he hopes I’m ok but I should let him know (indeed…lol). He also shared that he enjoyed his weekend with his son, that it felt good to only focus on him and then that he was having lots of works even during evening as he has a contracted job and a freelance job and that he was like this focusing on healthy activities only like this…I didn’t answer, no point to make him believe I’m ok to discuss. I’m just waiting for the result and I’ll share them with him.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Ok..so FYI…my little sister has been tested positive to covid…So I’ve taken the test today aswell…
I had to send him a message as I met him after I met my sister…Seems subject isn’t closed -_-“.
I told him I would keep him aware if I am positive aswell or not…
But now I am in self lockdown…lol Great social life !
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Kanya,

Thanks for the cheers up 🙂

When you say trying to make something out of his kindness you are speaking about my message or about this guy ? lol

Emilie

[Emilie S]

In the end…I sent out a message but more for myself than for him. It was about what I shared earlier with you. I needed to connect myself with my emotions and feelings and I needed to word them…

“What I am … a girl who had an overall good evening when she expected nothing special and wasn’t even sure she was open to anything because she suffered from her past relationships and that she still wears a few marks of it and has difficulty opening up. Despite her zest for life, her desire to enjoy life, the work she does on herself … She is sometimes driven by her fears and her insecurities which sometimes push her to be a “dragon” or which push her awkwardly speeding things up when she wants to slow them down, who will then take a step back and say to herself that oh yes this guy may have opened her eyes to the fact that she was ready to open up to someone finally and thank him for it. That someone who opened up to her and touched her, maybe more than she would have thought.”

He of course replied in the minute saying that it was such a nice message and then he said that “nothing is done, my life is complicated and like i said i don’t want to be the guy who lies when seeing several people
this evening was great, even if you beat me on your feet on Disney, respect
promised “canal lemon pie” one day;)”

So I told him not to make promise he couldn’t keep, as I told him earlier I was wishing him good luck for his future and this future should be without seeing me again in that case.

Subject close now 🙂 I feel better that for once I expressed myself and didn’t keep everything inside me. I know it would have drive me nuts at some point…And if I want to evolve I need to start acknowledge about who I am. First step for my “new me”.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

FYI, he answered almost directly telling me that “really bad timing, you’re nice and we don’t have to never talk again”.

This one I won’t answer…no point.

[Emilie S]

I follow your advice and sent him this simple message just mentioning the pie and the blind test in addition.
I think it’s better for me to close things with him to move on.
Thanks
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi,

Thanks for your message. And yes I at least learn something new about me and I can work on this in the future.

Thanks also for your reply on how to read the message. I guess I knew I should read it literally and at the same time I was just thinking he just met her so “nothing was played yet” and that my answer could have switch him. I’m glad he has been honest and at the same time he already knew this when we met so I’m a bit disappointed, he still tried and kissed me while still knowing that and even the day after…And he is still looking to my instagram..which is once again a bit strange and was the reason why I was wondering how to read his message…But as you said he made his choice and it’s not me.

I’m not too ok by this rejection because I wasn’t thinking it would ended up like this of course, and at the same time, I don’t know him enough to really feel in pain about him especially. Just the rejection feeling isn’t good of course once again. But as I said I learned new thing so…let’s remain positive.

I didn’t answered him because I wasn’t feeling to and I didn’t really knew what to say…I was thinking about something simple and thanking him for his honesty and just mention that I wouldn’t remove any credits for this, but maybe just because I didn’t get the chance to eat that lemon pie he was speaking about and I didn’t get my price for the blind test I won and wishing him good luck for his future.

But I think he deserve to wait for my answer, I was just thinking reacting too fast would just make him think he has too much power on me and I don’t want that…But maybe remaining silent could also feel like he had this power lol

Emilie

[Emilie S]

It seems I can’t edit my last post..

So as an update he finally sent me out a message…Which I don’t really know what to think about in the end…

“Hello, I wanted to write to you, already to apologize for my non-responsiveness, but also because I very recently met someone, nothing is done but I could not see myself playing on two tables .. bad timing ..
I accept -1million credits :(”

(The “credits” part was a game between us)

I don’t really understand what I’m supposed to do with this info. So “ok” you met someone…”ok” nothing is done but you preferred her to me apparently. Or not and that’s why you are writing this to see my reaction ? I’m a bit lost again on this one…

[Emilie S]

Hi again,

Hope you’re good. Things are getting crazy again here with Covid…More restriction, they might close again restaurants and bars for 2 weeks starting next Sunday…Although my sister just got tested for Covid, we have to wait 72 hours for the result…I’m not sure she has anything and that it’s not just a cold but…They are getting a bit paranoid lol

So just to give you an update, I didn’t get any news from the guy. And as I start to know myself and my gut is telling me that something is “odd”. Because even if he just pulled away because he is busy or for his kids, I think I might have messed up a bit due to my deep insecurity feelings that probably drove me a bit after we met and that “rushes me” into asking him out. Also I am pretty sure that when he told me “I’ll let you know tomorrow” and I just answered “yes yes” without any smile or so he looks it as I was unhappy or upset or so on (which is the main issue while communicating with text message). While I wrote the answer I was pretty sure it was looking harsh but still I didn’t had this stupid emoticon even though I wasn’t upset at all consciously at least but I guess my inner fear was and that’s probably why I didn’t show I wasn’t…
(I’m not blaming myself for this don’t misunderstand this analysis, it’s more that I am trying to learn a bit more about my patterns and my reaction and try to work on this before I do “mistake”).

I am also thinking that by pulling myself away aswell, more in the intent to give him some space without telling me the reason behind might have feel like I was really upset, which once again I wasn’t but…he isn’t in my head. I think I also did this because I wanted to take a step back about this “date”. As mentioned earlier I think it was a bit fast for both of us. Before meeting him I wasn’t even aware I was open to anything and I guess that this going a bit fast as frightened me and instead of slowing things down, I increase the speed by asking him to meet again. Which is a bit of non sense lol. So the reason I pull away was both because I needed to take this step back and I wanted him to take it as well and not feel pressure on something I wasn’t even myself comfortable with.

And the more I discussed with you and read stuff around mens way of thinking the more I’m thinking it might have been misinterpreted and I need to give a bit of understanding of how my “past life” is still a bit driving my reaction even though I am working on this.

Maybe it has nothing to be with me and my actions, but at least he will know why I withdraw myself.

So I still need to think a bit on how to phrase it but I wanted to have your thoughts first on my own analysis ?

I’m thinking that my message should contain something around acknowledging I had a nice evening (with maybe a bit more of good and bad because I like to tease him), that I might have look eager but that was more drove by an insecurity feelings and then I withdraw because of the reason I gave just earlier…
Once again the purpose is just for me to phrase what happens, let him know, exercise myself to face my pattern and possibly avoid them in the future with him or someone else.

Happy to have your thoughts and comments on this 🙂

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hey,

Yes I met him on Tinder. I restarted it when I was trying to reconnect with my seduction and all. To be honest, I’m not sure I was really open to anything, as I was talking with some guys but didn’t really felt into it…lol
I wasn’t feeling like meeting them or dating or loose my time. I did a lot of ghosting (shame on me lol).
With this guy it was fun, I think we spoke once in the morning he was trying to guess what my job title was meaning, and then we had fun around his profile description as he was describing himself through chemicals parameters which I found original and we had fun. And then I think we didn’t spoke during a week or so…But I wasn’t paying much attention, as mentioned, I was on the app but not really. Eventually he spoke to me again after this week or so, and we started to discuss a bit more and make joke. He proposed to go out for a drink but I told him I was pretty busy so it would be the week after (I had this wedding to attend and all), in the meantime I proposed him to speak over text messages instead of the app. And he ended up calling me because I was driving and we were messaging about voices or so. And we started to call each other maybe every 2 days and at least speaking once a day.
As my boyfriend’s little sister ask if he could organise a party for my sister’s birthday last Saturday (just after the wedding I was attending) I proposed the guy to meet on Saturday if he had no plan and he agreed. And that’s mainly how it started.
Right now I am a bit confused (not too much) because he didn’t came back to me for tomorrow and we didn’t spoke yesterday neither today so far. He told me he had lot of work this week and he didn’t knew the planning with his son, so I am not too surprised and I’m just letting things go, giving him the space.
At the same time, I’m just wondering if it didn’t go a bit too fast between us as the connexion was really great but we both broke up only a month before starting to speak together…And it might feel a bit frightening for a guy to open that much on a first date lol.
So maybe me asking to meet again “quickly” was a bit too pushy for him.
As mentioned, I am for now giving him the space, but if I have no news by the end of this week, I might just share it with him. Not blaming him but opening myself on this situation (I don’t really worded this for now lol).

But maybe acknowledge that I went thought difficult relationships in the past and that I wasn’t expecting to find such an easy connexion with someone I am truly finding authentic and really had fun with. (I even trusted him enough to go on a scooter with him under the rain for the first time in my life even if I am really afraid of scooter lol) And even though I think it went pretty fast between us, I might have look like someone eager for more, and it might have look like someone desperately looking for love, I just wanted to spend time to get to know him more without rushing into a relationship. (Not sure it’s really clear though lol but that’s more or less my current state of mind).
I’m just thinking that I want to share openly my thought for once and not let my fear drive me anymore.

To answer your question, yes I do want kids I think I already mentioned it earlier in this thread (but not having kids to have kids, with someone I do love). I think 2 is good maybe 3 ? I suffered a bit to be the only child for a long period, I found that having a “big family” is great now that I have all my step brothers and sisters and that our age differences isn’t an issue anymore.

For your note on the supper shitty relationship, I’m not sure everyone is having one…Or maybe we have different cursors lol But it definitely help to grow and get to know ourself. I’m also glad I got rid of it lol

Emilie

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