[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi,

Baking was exhausting I spent 10 hours in the kitchen to prepare 6 kilos of different Christmas Biscuit but love it 🙂
I offered them to my family members already and will give some to my friends as well. It’s my tradition as I told you 🙂

Holidays are great, and my Christmas was quite improbable, I started by breaking a plate of glass on my dinner table, and then on returning home brother I slashed my tire while parking … So I had to send my car to the garage to change it. I take time to play sports, rest, play family games with my parents, go to the movies with them and read! So that’s pretty cool 🙂
I’m also meeting friends now that my car is fixed lol

As per my 36 and single status, I am not into marriage that much so this part I don’t really care (you know divorce history in my family isn’t showing me that marriage and love are linked). Only thing which is bothering me right now is that I want to have kids and the older I get the more complicated it will be. But at the same time I don’t want to have a kid for the sake of having one and not with the right person. So I’m just thinking it wasn’t my time until now, and it will come when it will be.

As for him, yes we do have a great connection and we do have fun. We spoke yesterday and we had lot of fun, complicity is definitely there. I called him to tell him about my crazy Christmas Day, and we spoke about the biscuit baking day as well and I joke about him not seeing it because he didn’t added me on Facebook or Instagram. So he said he did the first step with Linkedin and I was supposed to do it with those 2.
I finally added him on Facebook so he spoke to me after on messenger. ” We know each other ? 🤗 ”so I told him no, I don’t think so, but we can get to know each other. And I asked him suddenly what was according to him his most beautiful attribute. He replied, “The one on the subject. And yours “(yes I had used it for the joke). So I laughed at his answer and asked if he knew the real meaning of subject (before in France it meant “penis” in case you don’t have the reference). So he said “right” so I said I had a right to check and hey he bounced off “you haven’t already”. So I said “I don’t think so”. So then I teased him about his failing memory saying BUT I like you anyway so he replied that he liked me too. And afterwards (because I necessarily wanted to go too far on sexualization because there were several allusions) I asked him what was the biggest mistake he had done as a kid. He sent me a picture because he was on the street from a diner called “raclette” and said “thought for you right now.” (Reference to the play he invited me to for my birthday). So I told him that he “saw me everywhere” (he already did this to me several times to send me pictures of things that made him think of me or to tell me that he had thought of me every day. during her trip to Madrid because her dish cleaner is called after my dog).
In the end he told me he was calling me if I wanted to answer me because he was walking. He told me his stupidity and he told me and you then the answer to the 2 questions. I said with a laugh that he hadn’t understood the game that I was asking the questions and he was answering. He said ah yeah good ok I didn’t get it. So I told him bah go tell me what you think is my most beautiful attribute. And he told me well, I see 3, your eyes and your super expressive gaze, your hair of incomparable softness, and hey the last one is perverse but your buttocks (like what I’m quite connected since it was in the list that I shared with you) and I answered with a laugh ah bah the last one is clearly the one I would have chosen since I had asked you for only one. So he wanted to change his attribute because it was written “for a joke” so he told me his eyes or his mouth. And I said I was okay enough for his smile (well he tried to put “his subject” back to me and I said again I didn’t know what he was talking about).
Afterwards I don’t know why he told me about making 5 million euros a year and so I bounced back and said to him and if you had them what would you do? And hey he told me some serious stuff … and he must have asked for me so I told him round the world. And he told me at the beginning it’s not necessarily the best period so I told him well it depends on the countries with the covid, then the advantage of having 5 million is that you can adapt your itinerary to the constraints as much What do you want. Then he said yeah to me but if all the restaurants in the country where you are going they are closed I replied bah hire you a private chef 🤷‍♀️ After I told him I thought you were more creative … luckily you work in marketing . Anyway lol then we had a little delirium on “minuses and cortex”, and other childhood stuff. Well in the end I told 2 nonsense from my childhood and he said to me but nannnn but it is not possible you look very wise though. Anyway, he told me a second one. And then we continued with jokes and references from our time where we carried each other away. And he said to me that he adored me because I had all his references, that I had the same ones, that he had the impression that I was his little sister (well that kinda stung that honestly – and good at the same time he tried to turn me on several times during the day and likes my buttocks so I quickly skipped) but he got along much better with me than with her …
In short, after the conversation dragged on a bit, I felt that he was too happy that we were talking to each other and laughing “as before”, but I decided to put an end to the conversation.

So it’s weird, it’s like he is flirty again but not too sure…and in fact I don’t really care, I don’t want to overthink this, I like that we have fun.

Hope you had a nice Christmas Day with your mom and that you were able to do your baking as well 🙂

Have a great day,

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Yeah…Because you know French are still French and stupid and we have a lot of strike of people against the vaccine so they just use the PCR test to go out and don’t get vaccinated but it’s for now ok. Our gov wants to change that to make the vaccine more or less mandatory…But it’s against the “liberty right” so…complicated

Haha yes my family is “large” as an extended one, otherwise my dad and my mom have only one sibling each and I have only 3 cousins so it’s “small” lol. And I’m 36 since October 😉

For my parents I don’t know, it’s just they have separate life now, and I’m a grown up so they don’t really have to speak together, I mean that doesn’t bother me at all. They don’t dislike each other but they are not friend anymore. They were pretty young when they met and had me (my mom was only 20 and my dad 24) “by accident”, they had just met 6 months earlier. They got married because of family pressure and same for me in a sense. My dad suffered more from the divorce than my mother from what I saw, same reason family pressure, my mom’s grandma was really mean with my dad, but my grandfather was nice, and when I’m meeting him or seeing my dad they always say to say hi to each other. It’s not the case for my grandma (but I can definitely understand my dad for that she can be such a pain in the ass lol and my mom is never going against my grandma’s advice, except for my grandpa as she is still seing him and his new wife). As I said, long divorce history in my family…On the other side of my family they liked my mother, more than my stepmother by the way lol. But yes I guess they were too young and all when they had me so they remained in touch when I was young and never said any bad word or blame each other but they are just not friend.

For the present yes, but this year I’ve decided to buy “experiences” and nothing material, and cookies are always working lol

Your Christmas sounds nice though, chilling is great !

And for him, yes almost full day was great in fact as we were together from 2pm to …11pm I would say…It’s so strange how well you guys get along and yet he doesn’t want to keep sourcing that. << Sometime I’m just wondering if he doesn’t want to source that at all, OR if he wanted to source that in a different way (without sex in fact) to avoid this “sentimental shift” as he said…Don’t know, but I don’t really care to be honest, just enjoying the present time right now, especially knowing that we would probably end up in a new lockdown situation soon if this covid situation doesn’t improve so…lol
For my pup and Ibiza I need to check with my mom because it seems she spoke to my grandma and she said she could come in France to take care of her ? But she didn’t mention anything to me…So if she is coming I won’t ask him but if she isn’t yes I guess 🙂
And just for the joke, I thought I wouldn’t get news from him during his stay in Marseille, but 2 days ago he added me on LinkedIn (we were not following each other on any social media). So I accepted him yesterday and joked about it, by telling him “haha this stalking” and he was like “😂 I swear” so I joked again “I understood that you could not do without me 😉” and he was like “😬😬😬” so I just said “You were right in any case to start with Linkedin lol. I am waiting for the facebook and instagram invites in the coming days 😜” so he was like “👍 Ahaha, if you want 😬”.
So as you can see we still have this complicity. And even in holidays he is connecting in a way lol

Wish my luck, I’m going to spend the day baking lool

Wish you lovely holidays if we don’t speak by then,

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hey Heidi,

It’s weird I didn’t received the notification for your answer…

Thanks for the Valentine’s Day article I’ll read it !

Yessss it seems that holidays will be busy as my mom, step father and brother will be able to travel to France ! Super happy about that 🙂
My parents divorced when I was 5, they both got remarried, my dad when I was 7 and I have 1 brother (28) and 2 sisters (25 & 21) on his side (and yes I do like them even though it hasn’t been always easy because of age difference but now all good we are even planning a trip to Poland together next year – that’s one of my family ancestor’s country). I didn’t liked my stepmother much and her family even worse lol but she divorced my father, his new partner is nice but they are not married and won’t 🙂
My mom met my stepfather when I was 7 also but they got married when I was 13 and I have 1 brother (18) and 1 sister (22) (I do like them aswell but same they are much more younger so it hasn’t been always easy but now all good). And my stepfather is great, I consider him as a dad, and his family is great.
But both side “never met” or long long time ago quickly when my dad was picking me up but there is no more connection between my mom and dad now. Last time they met I think it was when I got my engineering diploma…So 15 years ago lol

For us, Covid is pretty bad, my company closed and asked us to work remotely because we had too much covid cases and they did it for all our main offices (France, UK, US). In France nightclub closed until January, mask are mandatory even outside in crowded area, they are about to vote a vaccin passport that would be mandatory for travel, restaurant, bars…and government asked today that all companies go back to remote at least 3 or 4 days a week…

Yeah we are getting to know each other and still have this connection. Saturday was pretty cool, he came to my place, offered me the cheese he bought for me during his holidays in Spain, and we had “cheese lunch” (I don’t remember if I told you but the restaurant we planned to go to was fully booked…). He was amazed by my Christmas decoration lol. We had fun, joked, spoke about my week at work, I shared how cool it was, I welcomed some young people from underprivileged area in Paris for a Discovery Week. They really touched me, but it was super exhausting to deal with 8 13 years old boy. Then I shared my fun plans for next year (hope they will happen). But I said that for one of them I was a bit sad, I wouldn’t be able to go to Ibiza for one of my friend’s 30’s birthday because no one could take care of my dog, so he nicely offered to do it for me…Then I don’t remember how it came in the discussion but we were speaking about the mountain and I said my grandma had a flat in a mountain area and that I loved it because it was a small village really typical, I showed him some picture and also spoke about another ski station nearby that he knew but never visited, so same I told him it was really beautiful and shared some pics. So he said, you know I’d be happy to go with you if you want, I can drive, and all. I told him, yeah why not let me think about it…We also spoke about the weekend in Marseille that he is supposed to organise as he invited me, other restaurant we are supposed to try…
Then we went for a long walk with my pup and headed back to his place to drop his wine and car. During the drive we spoke about one coaching session I had for work about my “DISC profile” – and I am mainly and Influencer lol. So I shared it and also shared all the amazing feedbacks I got during my end of year review from my direct report, my peers and even my manager. I was super touched to get all those positive feedback. Obviously he said he wasn’t surprised and add more compliment to that. He also told me he thought we were alike and told me to do the 16Personalities test (https://www.16personalities.com) because he was sure I would have the same result as him. But no, I’m a campaigner and he is a protagonist, it’s quite close but not exactly the same. It was fun to read and share lol, I didn’t learn that much about myself it’s quite accurate lol. He was just making fun of me because I don’t know why we spoke about future presidential election in France, and I said that I would be president and change the world, and he was sure I could do that lol.
Then we went to the theatre, the show was really fun. And while he was walking me back to the train he asked if I had time for a quick dinner so we went to a restaurant and he invited me as it was for my “birthday”. As we joked about it a lot of time because I celebrated it during all October month, I told him this time it wasn’t on me but him, and I also said, but that’s ok I’m happy to celebrate it also next January and every month (like Alice in Wonderland). And I told him that he raised the bar pretty high with this great day, so he had to do something even better for my next non-birthday lol. He was like yeah ok…”pressure” (that’s French expression but as a joke).
And he finally walked me back to the train even on the platform and waited my train with me, he asked me to send him a message when I was back home safe. I totally forgot to do it lol, it was super cold outside so I went directly in the shower, spoke a little with my sister and finally saw a message from him asking me if everything was ok…So I told him yes and he was like ok I started to worry…and then said that the day was really great, that he wished me good end of year celebration and see you soon kisses. So I told him again that he needed to do something even better next time and wished him to enjoy his holidays. So he said again “pressure” and I said “hey you’re a protagonist after all and I’m just a campaigner, but hey … I think I’m just as charming as you” and he answered “true”.
So, as I told you, he is making plan and will pursue this occasional meet-up. I’m grounded definitely and I know lol

So for the presents yes, I do have for everyone in my family. But this year I wasn’t really inspired so it’s “small thing”. ” What is the spirit of the holiday that your family connects to?” <<< not too sure what you mean by that, but it’s more being together and enjoy together.
“Any fun traditions specific to your families?” << not much, I do have my own, I’m baking a lot of different biscuit, cookies, and I offered them to everyone in Christmas cookies’s box, and they all have to give me those box back if they want a refill the next year lol

What about you ? what are your plan ? do you have any specific tradition ?

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Wow…I wasn’t aware of this story about Valentine’s…It’s horrible…I’ll never see it again the same way…I mean…I was seeing it as commercial only but now I’ll see it as horrible day lol I’ve never been that much into it so won’t change much

And yes he is a bit confusing…But to be honest I don’t want to bother try to understand his behaviour. I’m just planning to enjoy the day 🙂
Theatre is next Saturday the 18th, but we are also going to a restaurant for lunch and then we will take care of my pups and then head to the theatre. To answer your question, I’m pretty sure he will continue to pursue occasional meet-ups first because for this one he really seemed to want to spend as much time together as he could get from me by agreeing on my terms… And if he walk his talk from our past discussion he wants us to have other amazing meet-ups and build amazing memories…I don’t see why he wouldn’t do it and I have a strong feeling he will walk his talk lol. But it will be only next year because he is going to Marseille for holidays starting the 20th and I guess he will be back after new year. As I’ll be busy myself during holidays I don’t really care lol.
“I have no doubt he feels a strong connection with you that battles against whatever is stopping him from just letting go.” <<< I would say that he just didn’t heal totally from his divorce and he is just afraid. Also my own behaviour and fear might not have help him to figure things out and just enjoy the moment. As we were more or less “alike” on this, the “pressure” blocked both of us.
The more I get conscious about me and my behaviour the more I’m thinking that it’s just because we “burn” some steps, we went too fast, I also let him drive too much (of course it was nice because he was always trying to please me) but at the same time I think we enter too fast in a routine and it killed “everything”. I can see that now…So just thinking that our meet-ups needs to be more “unusual” to avoid this routine and pressure. The connection, complicity, attention and all are still there I can feel it even if I took this step back, and I’m at peace with that. But as I said, now I’ll just enjoy the moment and that’s it. No evil plan behind all this.

As for your question about dating, no I don’t want to go back on app, and I prefer to focus on myself right now, and pursue my journey to really heal and change my “subconscious” habits. I don’t want to “mess things up” because I’m rushing into dating again. I’m ok and good with myself right now.

To answer your question, I’m planning to have my Christmas tree up this weekend, and I do have interior Christmas decoration, so I’ll try to put everything this weekend.
My mother, step father and brother are supposed to come in Paris for holidays on the 22nd (if UK boarder remain open) so I’ll spend time with my family as I took some day off between Christmas and new year 🙂
So the plan for Christmas is on the 24th I’m going to my brother’s place to celebrate Christmas eve with my dad’s family, all my brothers and sisters and him. On the 25th I’ll be with my mom’s family but it might be only an afternoon celebration because we are celebrating it on January the 2nd with my aunt and all my mom’s family side as my aunt’s family are going to her husband’s family for Christmas in south of France. We will probably do something also with my step-father’s family but not too sure about the plan, due to covid complicated to plan really ahead.

I already have plan in January, a weekend to visit some friends on January 8th/9th in another city in France and an evening “murder party” on January 22nd with other friend lol hopefully everything will be possible if covid situation isn’t getting worse. I’m also trying to see if I can plan a ski trip early feb with a friend, let see…Same it’s a bit complicated to really plan with this covid situation.

So long story short I’m just trying to enjoy life as much as I can considering the covid situation and work on self-love and well-being 🙂

Emilie

[Emilie S]

I’m not really aware of the history of “Valentine’s Day” always thought it was more a commercial thing than a real holiday ? But yes…humans are weird lol

As per my friend yes..We will see 🙂 but right now, I’m not getting any news from her and not giving either and I feel real good with that lol

For the covid, numbers are getting worse day by day, they decided to close again night club starting this Friday for 4 weeks probably to avoid party for New Years eve…I don’t really mind as I am not going in night club anymore but…Hopefully they won’t close all other public places…And we have to wear masks in every close space, and for works they announce that company should go back to remote at least 3 days a week. My company said that we could go back fully remote, especially before holidays. They even cancel our Christmas party to avoid any “cluster” there. But it seems more people are getting vaccinated now…Let see.

About my guy, I wasn’t hurt about not getting news of him during his week (even more in fact he came back yesterday night from Madrid), I was so busy myself that I didn’t really paid attention and I wasn’t restraining myself to contact him just was filling like doing so.
I sent him a message on Monday because I received the wine and asked him if Madrid was good. And he just answered with a weird answer like “Hey how are you doing ? Cheese or chocolate ? ;)” and I answered “You know the answer ;)” and he replied “I know you like both, but I’m thinking if you had to choose it would be cheese” so I answered “well done you earn a good point” and then he was like “Lool can I send you a voice message” so I joke and said ” since when are you asking for that ?”. And his voice message was about the theatre evening and the wine. He was like “I have a plan, we could meet in Paris for the theatre, then have diner and then you can come to my place and sleep there but not pressure there is a coach and the day after I drive you back home and I take my wine, but tell me if that’s manageable with your dog”. So I told him that it was not really something feasible considering my dog (my old me would have probably check out for a solution to adjust but I’m not feeling like adjusting anymore lol) but I could have another plan, just needed to have a bit more information about the theatre time and everything. And he zen proposed to call the day after, that an alternative could work nothing was impossible. I stopped answered because I thought it was enough “real time chatting” lol.
So I answered the morning after and said that yes a call would ease the discussion. Around 10pm I still didn’t had any call so asked if he was available and he answered with a voicemail around 11pm like “Sorry totally forgot to call you, I’ll call you tomorrow have a good evening kiss”. So yes this time I was upset at first about this…And he called me today during lunch time and I didn’t answered, wasn’t feeling like lol so he sent me a voice message again telling me that I should be busy, but he would call back in the evening and that he had a proposal for the theatre day, a day theme about cheese. He called me back in the evening but I was just starting my sport so didn’t answered once again lol and I called him back and we spent 1h30 over the phone…He told me that every day in Madrid he thought about me because the dishwashing liquid there is named Fairy as my dog…I was like yeah you thought about me everyday in Madrid because of that and then yesterday you forgot me ? How cool is that ? And he was like yes I’m so sorry I land in Paris yesterday night and my phone was out of battery so when I came home I’ve put in on the charger but let it there and forgot to call…And then we spoke about the theatre evening, and instead of keeping the surprise as agreed he told me what we would see. So I joke and said he wasn’t good with surprise and he said he wanted to make amend for forgetting me and ensure that I would enjoy the theatre and wanted to tease with the program. So we are finally having lunch nearby my place so he will pick me up we go to a cheese restaurant + afternoon at my place he can take his wine and we can take care of my dog and then we will go to the theatre. I wasn’t thinking we would spend that much time together…So let see how it goes. He also told me he brought me back cheese from Madrid…
Then we spoke about work and other stuff, he was supportive about stuff happening at my work, and he also said that today while opening his email he received one that made him think of me and he forwarded to me (related to my work).
And then he was like wow we spent 1h30 over the phone he seemed happy about that, like really happy…
And “fun part” when I called him back, our common friend called him at the exact same time but he preferred to speak with me than with her. I told him I had no news of her but I was ok with that and I shared the reason why (from the conversation I shared with you) and he was pretty shocked too about her comment…and it seems she is also bothering him a lot…but I know when we hang off the phone he called her back but he called me again “by mistake” and I joked with him saying it was a “revealing slip” (I don’t know if you use this expression in English).
So it seems now, I am able to be myself and I can joke again with him…But to be honest his attitude is still super weird for me lol still doesn’t seem coherent.

And thanks for your sweet comment and cheers up as usual for my journey. I’m pretty happy to be honest about all this, and I can really feel the change, even from my reaction to his silence during Madrid, it didn’t drive me crazy as it used to lol I’m feeling at peace with myself.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hey Heidi,

Sure would love to meet if we got a chance to travel our way for sure 🙂
But yes I know lot of people are not really conscious about all the trauma…But it’s not the only “holidays” based on a traumatic event that people are celebrating without being really connected to them…

As per my friend, to be honest, I’ve disconnected with her few years ago because she was too negative for me and I needed to focus on myself, my new work…and she finally came back, wanted to meet, I avoided her a bit to be honest and finally met her and she announced her wedding, and I was thinking, maybe she is in a better place now and might have change…But Cleary not lol
And I was also thinking about disconnecting after her wedding but she asked again to meet, and then she made those comments and I was like what the f***…But I’m not loosing my time anymore with her, we might see each other once in a while but pretty sure that when she will have her baby, our relationship might end naturally…I’m not putting any effort in it anymore…Not good for me 🙂

Yes it felt good, like good for my ego lol
But since he left for Madrid I have no news of him, not that I was expecting and I didn’t gave him any either. I don’t really mind right now, I’m focusing on me and my well being. Also I had a thought week, my dad got positive to covid, fortunately not too bad, but he loose his smell and taste…And I met him just before he got his symptoms for his birthday as all my family but fortunately we are all negative. I also had to deal with some stuff at my appartement. My previous renter left, and I had new one but they wanted me to do some stuff in my flat…And this week was also our end of year review cycle at work (It went well lol) but a bit of pressure still and lots of work to do at the end of this year, lots of big project starting…But super happy about this !
And it seems my shoulder is doing better, I’m now in rehabilitation treatment, just don’t know for how long lol but that’s better !

As for my shift, yes it’s still there, of course I still need to make a full shift, but at least I am conscious of it now, and I’m working on this with my coach and through positive affirmation meditation. I don’t know if it changes something deeper but at least it changes the way I see things and the way I see myself and it helped me see how I was acting in my past love relationship and “why” it might have failed…My fear used to guide me, I was not driving the relationship for what I wanted or deserved but more reacting to what I thought guys were expecting from me. So they were just seeing me as granted and felt into lack of interest or just someone they liked to be around but not more. I wasn’t valuing myself enough and even if I am “great” they were not able to see this “plus” in me because I wasn’t seeing it either. But I’m seeing it now, and I know what needs to be change in my behaviour. The problem isn’t me as a person but the way I act or react when I like a guy. Now I know I should act and not just react…I would still be me, but a better version of me lol
Hope it answers your question, not easy to put words on this…

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi,

Wow your day seems amazing !!! Even though it wasn’t about celebration (I’m always feeling weird about this one due to history) i am thankful for all your support during the past years !

And yes it feel weird not act as myself…I had to send him a message last Wednesday for the wine delivery update, so I mentioned that I had a nice and full weekend and I made a little joke about agreeing on meeting and doing too much thing like him. But not sharing any details about all this. He answered yesterday morning with voice message again, he seems better than last Saturday, maybe because I shared a bit more and made a joke…Who knows ! At the end of his message he was telling me that he hoped I was doing well and to see me after his trip to Madrid (starting this Saturday for a week) and also for the theatre. I replied in the evening because he asked if I could keep the wine for him until he will be back from Madrid otherwise he could try to come on Saturday morning before leaving for Madrid so just wanted to tell him it was ok and that I was not available on Saturday in any case. I also asked if he finally booked the theatre thing. So he took this as an opportunity to discuss, he felt happy about that, because since the breakup I was really putting a lot of distance with him. He wanted to share with me what he choose for the theatre and I told him to keep it as a surprise that I was trusting him about the choice. And I more or less ended the conversation on this note, wasn’t feeling like being back to our “normal chitchat” thing even if I saw him trying. So yes, I’m pretty sure that he is feeling this absence of me when I saw how “hard” he tried yesterday evening to reconnect. It felt good to speak a bit with him, but I’m not ready yet to be “100% me” with him. So I’m giving just what feels good for me right now but not more.

And yes she is definitely narcissistic, I’m wondering how I ended up being friend with her…She is SO NOT like me…And I’m sure I would meet her now, I would never have her as a friend…And I’m not expecting anything from her, same, I’m giving her only what feels good for me now but not more. Hopefully her pregnancy will change her a bit, but I doubt of that.

And you know you asked what changed with him and my previous relationship, I told you I wasn’t feeling the same…I don’t remember which night this week, but while doing my meditation I think the reason “hit me”. Even though I was thinking I healed from my parents divorce, and all my family divorce history, I was still hiding myself behind this, and my subconscious was probably certain that I would end up myself being divorce, or I didn’t deserve to be loved as it was a trend in my family…But with him I guess I felt “love” without him being in love, but I felt that I was deserving what I was having with him and I still think I deserve this. I guess I finally stop wanted to hide myself behind this family history and this fear of rejection, divorce, not deserving…I guess that’s what change really, I own my past and family history, but I’m not afraid of this anymore. I am not them, I can love and be loved, and I deserve that.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi

In case you are celebrating Thanksgiving, just wanting to wish you a happy one 🙂

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi,

Haha thanks, I’ll do it if I go to the mountain one day, not that easy in Paris area 😉

And let see if someone finally capture my heart, or at least that he is willing to be available to take care of it once it’s done lol

It wasn’t an easy journey to be honest, and it’s still not. Some days it’s totally ok, some a bit less. Last Saturday I met with my (our) friend from the wedding and she told me she is pregnant. So that’s great I’m happy for her, I knew they struggle a bit on this…I asked her if she shared it with Jonathan and the other bridesmaid. She said that Jonathan figured it out during the wedding and that she didn’t told the bridesmaid because she just lost her father and she was thinking that it wasn’t the right time. I can understand…and at the same time I think she could be happy to get a good news right now because she is REALLY feeling very bad and sad…But I was pretty shocked by the fact that my friend said that she wasn’t even speaking to her now, not supporting her at all in this because she was happy, she wanted to remain in this happy bubble, and she wanted to be selfish “for once” (she already said that for her wedding and I would say it’s a trend of her…she just mentions it here but I can see that it’s always about her not others).
So I said I shouldn’t be impacted by other behaviour but this comment made me really feel bad for HER friend (that happen to become mine at the wedding). Not being impacted doesn’t mean for me you have to be that selfish…Just showing some support and that you care about her wellbeing is part of friendship…

Nevermind, after meeting with her I sent a message to Jonathan, in fact I answered a message from him that he sent on Thursday where he was asking how I was feeling (as I was sick you know) and I told him that I was feeling much more better and that I met with this friend and got to understand why she didn’t wanted to meet while I was sick. I restrain myself from sharing more as I used to do (because I would definitely have shared this common friend comments and act…), but I’m not feeling like doing so yet. It’s really weird, when something happen as last night I watched a movie he mentioned to me, or something happen and we use to discussed it, I always want to share it with him, but it doesn’t feel right for now. I still need to heal and take this step back.

On his side, he answered my message (and in fact every time I send him one) like 5-10 minutes after I do, with a long voice message, asking me how I was feeling, hoping I have a good weekend, that my week went well, kissing me at the end…And I felt weird after his message. His voice was sounding sad not as usual…But same I didn’t reply…I feel a bit “guilty” and “unrespectful” to do so but I know I need it and I am my priority right now. And he made the choice to break up so he can’t have me as he used to right now, I’m not ready for that yet. I’m ok to communicate a bit, when I feel like to, but not acting as if nothing happened.
But as I said, this journey on focusing on myself isn’t easy, I struggle a lot when I can’t really act as “myself”. But I also know that I need to do that to keep on moving on my own wellbeing.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi,

Thanks for your message.

“This is very different than your last breakup. Why do you think that is? It felt like you liked this guy a lot more than the last one. What’s different?”

I think it’s all the work I’ve done on myself, trying to understand my past, heal from It, listen to myself, do what’s best for me, work on my self confidence that change the way I approach this break up even if yes I liked him a lot. I would say that I’m not “punishing” myself, I am aware I didn’t do anything wrong to reach this end, and I’m not even questioning myself about it. It’s not about me but where HE IS.
And I don’t have any power on this, so I just owe to myself to keep going on my journey and just go for my own good. I am my own priority, we have a different agenda regarding our relationship, and I can’t change things.

It doesn’t mean I wasn’t hurt, and that I am avoiding this feeling, it’s been the case, might still be a bit the case as it’s pretty recent, and I am dealing with it but with the perspective that I couldn’t do anything about it, and I guess being free of this guilt I used to have every time before is really what’s change. I am not responsible for everyone’s behaviour, choice, and I don’t want to take this “burden” on me anymore. You refuse to be happy, that’s your choice, you want to focus on the negative in your life and keep on complaining that’s your choice, and so on…I can listen but I am choosing that it will not impact me anymore.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi,

No I never felt any wall in his actions, as I said, he was always attentive, asking to meet, hugging, massaging and he was the one initiating those things so…No wall at all
And even when we discussed the “break up” he was still acting like that, and since then he keep on saying that he doesn’t want me out of his life, that he hope I’ll forgive him and everything, that he still wants us to have great moment and build great memories…So definitely not align…But that’s his own journey. And I know he isn’t available (now). I got it.

Even if I told you my “hidden plan” I am taking a step back, I spoke with him during the weekend to sort things out and because we had this “theatre date” (for my birthday) planed but with no specific date so I gave him my availability for next December 18th only. So a month after this break up which let me have this time away from him.

We also have another topic in common because I ordered wine for him from one of my friend, and he offered to come work from my place the day it would be deliver to help me with it and I told him I would handle it myself. I’m not planning to see him before this theatre thing.
I’m conscious that I need to heal from this, and that’s why I am back on meditation with affirmative thinking, self confidence enhancing (even though I am REALLY NOT feeling low to be honest), and taking this step back and decided to go with my own pace.

I am definitely focusing on my wellbeing, my health (and I am FINALLY over this cold), my shoulder, my sport practice, my friends (I have a lot of stuff planned ahead of 2022), my family, my trips and vacation…

So yes maybe I have this little hope that if we take it slow on our friendship, if we maintain our complicity and all other things he might change his mind, but that doesn’t mean I won’t change mine because of this situation in the end…But that’s also part of the “game”.

As I told you, the way I feel NOW and the way I felt for my previous breakup are not the same at all. I really have a different mindset.
BUT at the same time, part of my meditation work and also my coach homework is “positive visualisation” so…I’m practicing.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi,

This “hope” are linked to your question in fact about what are my thoughts about ” if I don’t have a spark of love right away, it’s very hard to get it to come.”

I would say that I perfectly understand why he is thinking this because I used to have this thought before. We are pretty similar with the way we approach things, with the fact we don’t want to suffer anymore and we don’t want to hurt the other people…

What I think is that he is not letting himself SEE the spark of love. Because his behaviour reflects this spark even though he doesn’t want to see it or let himself see it. I do think he is putting some wall and having this fresh start without sex and pressure and “couple” label, would relieve the pressure, the fear of being hurt or hurt me. And that’s really because of his behaviour that I am thinking this, for my past relationships I would never have been so confident that there is something that he is NOT YET able to see even if it’s there. Acts are much more important than words…

I’m indeed going to remain friend with him, BUT I won’t let him having physical contact with me, no more hair touch or massage, just being my sexiest and seductive me with him not allowed to enjoy it anymore. I’ll just show him what he lost and see the value…Create this lack feelings, of frustration at having lost this part of our bond. Also I am not going to be “as available” as I used to, and take back the control on this communication frequency and be the one giving the pace. It might or might not work, but I am confident that it will, but I am also aware that it might take time for him to break his wall. But what’s make me confident is that he is the one who said multiple time HE doesn’t want to loose me. He will loose part of his “privileges” by not being able to give me affection, gentleness, anymore and that might be someone else role.

Happy to get your thoughts on this 🙂

Have a good day,

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi again,

Finally yesterday after writing here, I thought that he shouldn’t be punished for his decision, and I should show him I was mature enough to accept this and I was positive and ok to move on. As I told you, our relationship went too fast for me, and maybe, we were not really both ready, and we need to strengthen our friendship without the sex, that’s how it worked for me for the relationship I mentioned 15 years ago…

So I sent him this message :
“Hello
I don’t want to stop hearing from you or stop communicating, I was really enjoying our moments, and then you always have to invite me to the theater;)”

And he sent me a message in the afternoon :
“Hello, I’m not snubbing you, I’ve had a crazy day… I’ll answer you in the evening, I promise!”
(I guess it’s because he didn’t answer to the last message I sent him, but I wasn’t really expecting any answer…I guess it’s part of our open communication process he wanted to share back)

So in the evening he sent me that : ( I was sleeping though)
“So, actually I know how I operate: if I don’t have a spark of love right away, it’s very hard to get it to come.
Which does not prevent me from having attention, gentleness, complicity … whatever you say about your way of seeing our relationships, I share it.
If I wanted to cut it short, it was also to protect you before we got into a potential sentimental gap … It gets harder afterwards. I’ve been through this kind of situation in both roles before, and either way it’s complicated.
I hope you will forgive me …
I intend to honor this invitation to the theater, we will fix that for December and as soon as possible: Good shows fill up quickly, and I really want us to have another good time together. And if possible not just one!
What are your unavailability in December? I suggest you a date by the end of the weekend. I wish you a good night … Or a good start to the day! Take good care of yourself. (with lot of kissing emoji)”

So reading this after taking my own decision comforted me. It went too fast between us to create real feelings, sex came in the middle and it’s not good. Everything is there and we are align on our vision of a relationship and everything. Not having the sex part would let me get the control back on this, and avoid this sentimental gap he is mentioning because girls are bonding with sex not guys…As I said I know my value, he knows it, but It was a “wrong start” for us. Sparkle can come with time, especially when I see how much it’s important for him to get my forgiveness and how much he wants me to stay in his life. I feel it in my guts, as much as I knew before we had this discussion that something was odd, I think this would relieve the pressure we both felt in fact and let us the time to strengthen the friendship, restart a seduction phase without sex and create even more bond and more importantly let him the time to heal and me pursuing my journey.

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi,

Thanks for your support.

But I have a weird feeling… like I’m flirting with a close friend, not like I’m in a relationship. Let’s talk a little more about this. First, ouch! I read that and my heart sank. It’s an awful thing to hear that you are not attractive in a sexy way to someone you have been intimate with several times. <<< I didn’t read it like that…I know he is attracted in a sexy way, his act definitely shows that, he can’t refrain himself of touching me, my hair, hugging me, cuddling me…So I didn’t interpret it like he is not attracted in a sexy way.

I have no real clue about what could have made him shift like that. He might have had a discussion, he might have mentioned me I don’t know and as you said, it doesn’t really matter. Even though I am wondering if it’s link to his appointment with his sophrologist. I know he has a lot on his plate still around his healing process, and maybe this person mentioned something about relationship vs healing…But I have no clue.

From his message, and comparing his act / word / what he shared with me, I just have the impression to see myself 15 years ago, when I had the occasion to date one of my closest friend and I decided not to, by hiding myself behind the fact that I wanted to preserve our friendship. I know from all the introspection I did that it has never been a question about preserving this friendship, but just my fear, my lack of confidence in myself at that time, thinking I wasn’t good enough for him and that it wouldn’t work because I wasn’t worth being loved and I didn’t wanted to suffer. But I kept this person in my life because our friendship was important for me. I shared my story with him we are still discussing a lot and he is always there for me. For him, this guy behaviour is definitely odd and he definitely remembered how I acted in the past and accepted it and saw how much I grew since then. And I just know I have to do the same with this guy, agreeing on the fact that we are not at the same stage of our journey. The positive point, is that for once I am not thinking that something is wrong with me and I am not torturing myself with that. I know that it’s not because I’m “not good enough” or “not attractive enough” or “not smart enough” I am all this and even more. And I deserve to be seen as such, entirely.
I had nothing much to loose with him by sharing my thoughts and not keeping them inside my head so I did. I guess he has more to loose than me now, if I am not able to keep this friendship that he seems so eager to keep and protect by sabotaging our connection somehow.

I’ve decided to take a step back now that I shared with him my thoughts, I need to focus on myself, continue my own journey, also focus on my health and shoulder because it’s still a recovery in process. I’ve restarted meditation with positive affirmation to ensure I’m not letting myself shift my mindset and I spoke a lot with my friends and my sister about all this. I am also going to work with a coach again, I’m waiting to get the appointment.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

And i decided to answer that
« I don’t think your decision is selfish, you have your reasons, thank you for sharing them. I accept that we disagree since they are the same ones that made me want to see what it could be like by letting go. For me it was too new to put a label on it without knowing if “real feelings” could develop … it was too fast anyway for me to know if future or not.
I hear and share your opinion when you say that you don’t feel like you’re in a relationship, but flirting with a close friend …
After, if for you being in a relationship is not being a friend and lover with your partner, getting along with her, being sincere, open, honest, attracted, being alike and for all that being different and complementing each other, respecting each other , indeed… I agree with you… there is no future because we do not have the same definition of a relationship that possibly has potential. »

There was probably no point to say all this but i don’t have anything to loose by sharing my thoughts. We had open conversation it shouldn’t stop…i didn’t answered his other points because i didn’t made up my mind yet.
I know he read but didn’t answer, but i wasn’t really expecting anything.
Now i will just take the time to process and see if friendship is something i am ok with or not. But for now i think i will be on radio silent mode

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