[Emilie S]

Hello Heidi,

Yes I definitely understand your point now about emotionally unavailable men. I didn’t picture it out this way but I get i now.

I might be wrong about what I will say next… But the more I discuss with you (and maybe because of the discussion I am having with him aswell) and because I try to understand myself…but the more I feel that even if I am under the conscious impression I want a serious lifetime relationship, that I am kind of not totally consciously “emotionally available” myself which could explain my own pattern by choosing men that are not available themself. Maybe like this I know there will be an end and that no one would “get hurt” (it’s always a bit hurting when you get attached of course but less than real love). I’ve always been the one who broke up in my previous relationship (long or short).

It’s just like if I had my own invisible wall I am not able to break…And I keep on doing the same. That’s maybe why I am thinking that “friends with benefits” situation can help me through defining what is really blocking me. Maybe he is just reflecting my own fears (even if I don’t have the widowing issue).

And yes I am taking this step back a little by analyzing myself at first but also by letting him come back and not going after him. I am still keeping myself really busy to be honest I even don’t have that much time to rest right now lol
I for now just want to have the positive side of this and let things go even if it doesn’t lead to something concrete with him it could just help me go through the analysis of my own wall.

“I always tell people that those amazing bonding chemicals (I know…only 7 years!!!! lol) are so freakin powerful” <<< what does that mean ? after 7 years you can’t have this with the same person anymore ? There is no possibility to increase this delay ? lol

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Kanya,

Thanks for your answer.

I get what you mean and yes I’ll focus more on his action than on his talk.
From what I see right now, he is taking news every day and still questioning me to get to know me better but we still didn’t plan any meeting time.

And of course if I see that I am getting to attached I’ll take a step back.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hello Heidi,

I didn’t picture out that narcissistic, manipulative pervs were also unavailable man because the one I had in my life were ready to commit with me and having kids and all (we even settled together) it’s just me who wasn’t feeling to have this with them. I had this feeling something was wrong and I did put the wall lol
It’s another level of unavailability I guess lol and yes they are a lot, I know plenty as friends, or ex from my girl friends,…

I totally understand your point about how it is working for us and I am pretty aware of what you describe in fact, I already went through this aswell but the guy hadn’t been clear about it. I am able to walk away when I face that it’s a dead end, I already did it, and of course I was a bit hurt but it didn’t last much.

For the oxytocin It’s only during 7 years ? That’s horrible lol

In fact, we speak a lot when not meeting so of course during this time we don’t have sex…But not sure that texting helps to get intimate…lol At least he is not talking about it at all during our conversation and I am not either. The complicated part is of course when we meet…I guess we need to meet out for activities more than at home but for now we didn’t plan anything. At least from what I know he just puts his own boundaries about not meeting any other girl.

For the work he is doing on himself it’s hard to say, because it’s not only related to his widowing but about his general behavior. Especially since he has to take care of his son by himself he said that he had to change it. But how he does it I have no clue.

Will keep you posted

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi

Thanks for your answer 🙂

As a matter of fact i guess that for once i m quite clear about the situation and i feel ok with that. I don’t really know how to put it in words but i feel able to see it from a higher point of view without putting pressure on me or him at all. As i told him i just let things go and if it has to happen it will otherwise it would have just be a nice moment.
And i can only confirm that it’s pretty complicated to take a step back from the sex part…lol (especially because i do like it) i know that for now we are friends with benefits in his head and i guess in mine aswell even if i know at one point i could let myself into a different level of attachement but for now, maybe because i know he is definitely not ready for it i have this « high level » perspective on this (i really don’t know if it’s clear for you or not as i don’t have a proper translation for this 😅).
And i know he doesn’t feel like available but he spoke a lot about letting things go and that he is working on himself for this…His behavior seems sometime to be like he is doing it and just after he takes a step back. He was asking me about my next holidays and i told him i didn’t have plan yet so he was saying you are waiting for me to propose. And there were other exemples during the talk while he seems to project himself and then put back the « wall ». I am definitely not expert in this widowing things, it’s already complicated when you just have a « normal breakup » to be able to heal but in that case i think it’s even harder. As far as i understood because he didn’t told me everything he and the mother of his son broke up before she passed away (he told me he didn’t wanted to speak more as of now about it but he had the feeling that i was smart enough to understand if he would have provide me more details – i have the feeling she comits suicide..). Sometime what he said seems like he needs to know what i feel what i think about relationship about having kids how i picture couple life how i am facing some situation, like if he needed to be reassured before breaking his walls and all…He also asks for some advice about his son, some of his friends couple issues…
Well as i said for now i just let things go, we keep discussing about lot of different subjects we share movie advice, about works about what happen during our day…And that’s ok like that. If i don’t have knews i let him with himself not pressuring him.
I guess it’s a bit different about the other guy i met which were not emotionally available because he is aware of it and he shared it. The other guys were not conscious or atleast honest about it.
And i agreed on the fact that it is one of my pattern but i had another one aswell with guys that were available and that were only manipulative narcissiqc and pervs and selfish. Which i guess was worst lol
I know we discussed about it and in a way he is afraid of hurting me on this aswell because(about what i shared on this) he had some similar behavior with the mother of his son even if he worked on this he said that sometime he feels like he isn’t sane and mature Yet. I just replied that sometime it’s just a question of people being complementary or not and how people react to each other that leads to this kind of behavior whitouht obviously behing a manipulative narsissic and pervs lol. I said that i learned from my past and he seems to have learned too if he isn’t feeling safe about it yet. I said that mistakes help to evolve and grow up and that it was part of life to choose to repeat them or try another pass. It’s pretty weird in fact because for once in my life i am more seing the positive side than the negative and i am more honest with myself than in the past.
We might not endup in any real relationship but it seems that discussing with him help me to move on a lot of subject.
Which once again is more related to my own feelings and behavior than the relation we « have ». Maybe he will just « help me » (in a way) grow up more or follow the work i am already doing on
Let see 🙂
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Kanya

Thanks for your answer, sorry i didn’t get back to you earlier but i was pretty busy lately and i still i am 😅😅 Seems i don’t know how to really rest lol

Nevermind i like to be active and keep it like that 😁

I totally agreed about what you said about F. In fact while i wrote to you i was thinking about taking a bit of distance with him and didn’t reply directly to his message. I answered the evening after he sent me a « …lol » meaning that i didn’t answered him even if i was sometime online on whatsapp i fannly replied to him telling him i had a pretty hard and busy day (which was true and i wasn’t really feeling like answering as i wasn’t relly in a good mood). So i answered and he finally told me a response but i knew he was upset the day after i sent out a message and he was nice again and same on Thursday. But i had this feeling like something was different and that he wasn’t coming to me like earlier so i put myself in silence and i didn’t get any news from him until sunday when i wrote to him. I didn’t wanted to confront him directly about what happened and we discussed nicely and same on monday. In the end, i wasn’t expected anything but he proposed me to come by his place (don’t remember if i told it but he is a single dad). And before i really replied he sent me out a message telling me that « to be honest with you i think i am not ready for anything serious. Everytime i tried and think i am ready for it i face a wall. So if you want we can meet like that but i don’t think i can bring you what you are looking for. My son and my work are taking 90% of my time. I am the right person for you, you deserve better ». I replied « ok i don’t know which wall you are talking about and i perfectly understand that your situation can be tought. But i honestly don’t understand how you can say after 2 dates that you can’t go over this wall. I found it sad because i liked our discussion and spend time with you as you seem like a really interesting boy and open minded, but i accept your choice. » he answered something i wasn’t expecting… « That’s a psychological wall, i think i am still widowing and i have the feeling can’t find a place for someone else. I can’t move on next step other than the sex relation (it was not this but i don’t know how to translate). Then i said i understood better his behavior and his feelings. He followed by saying he wasn’t able to give himself a whiplash (i guess that’s a french expression lol) to go over it. And we continue to exchange message a little but he said « if you want to come by we can discuss it further »
. I just said ok i get and understand what you feel, it might be pretty complicated to move on after this but i am not sure that whiplashing yourself is the right way to see it. If it has to happen it will but you might need more time to figure this out by your own. I then just asked if he had the feeling that i was clearly only a « sexfriend » or if he could let a door open to what could happen. He answered that he honestly had no clue and that he couldn’t promise anything. I said that’s not what i am asking and it’s the same for me, by getting to know you better i could just figure out that you are not meant to me. He said oh yes definitely. And then he said, « i just wanted to be honest with you because you are really a great girl and you deserve someone honest. I can clearly see that you are smart, mature, thoughtful and not boring at all. I really appreciate that »
In the end i went to see him to have a face to face discussion and we discussed a lot. He was telling me that for him it was complicated tbecause of his widowing and that he was putting some barrier to protect himself and other from suffering. Especially because he has the feeling that nowadays people are not staying together and are not seeing life relationship anymore. I said i wasn’t totally agree with him on this. So he asked me how i was seeing couple life. He also asked me if i could picture myself being a mom now and all. So we finally had a good talk and keep on getting to know each other. He spoke a lot about his son. I know he isn’t ready to explain exactly what happened with his mother’s son but i am not pushing him on this. During the evening he also spoke about next time we would meet and finally today i had a lot of message and all…i lile the fact that we can really speak openly in the end about evry subject and that we make fun of each other and really have a lot of laugh…let see what happens next…
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hello ladies
Just a quick update since my lasy messages 🙂
As i thought i didn’t get any answer from J but that’s ok with me.
I guess i learn more to deal with the « let go » things 🙂
I know i told you that i would stop dating but in the end i finally met a new guy last friday evening and saturday aswell. He was a guy i discussed with on a Dating app last year and i don’t remember why we stopped talking. As we matched again this year we thought that we should meet so i said ok. Friday evening we had dinner and drinks and we spent the evening discussing a lot (from 9pm to 3am). At the end of the date he proposed to meet again the day after to go for a movie and dinner. As he is a single dad and he has to deal with a baby sitter And for once she was free i said ok. So the day after we went to watch a movie and after at dinner. It was again a really nice evening. He came at my place aftet that and we had sex…which i guess « was wrong » for the construction of a real relationship but i had a nice time. On sunday i got news from him almost all day long but then yesterday if i didn’t sent him out a message i think i wouldn’t had news from him.
He told me that we would meet again once he could make himself available but don’t know i have the feeling something is wrong now. I didn’t sent out any message today and he finally sent me a message out just while i was writing here. But i was happy with myself as i was thinking « it’s ok you enjoyed your time and nevermind if he is not coming back to you » so i guess i am really getting better in the letting things go and i am being less and less a « needy girl ».
Thanks for your help on my path to this new me 🙂
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi ladies
I finally made up my mind and sent him out a message. I am not really waiting for an answer from him but i feel better with myself regarding the « respect » part.
As i told you for me not answering is rude and is out of my personnality on the respect part.
I just told him : « I enjoyed the evening and enjoyed the moment together. I would have liked to get to know you more, and I understand very well that you do not have much time with your new job. If it were to change it would make me happy to have a coffee with you. If you are not interested I wish you the best for the future« 
I remived the beginning of the message you suggested because i wasn’t feeling like explaining myself or justify anything and i didn’t wanted to apologize either as i took it for a lack of confidence and a bit of begging by doing that which wasn’t the purpose of my message. Just wanted to make things clear, that i would be happy to meet him again but i won’t die if it’s not the case and that i can live without him. Hope it’s look like that 😅😅
Will keep you posted 🙂
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Kanya
Thanks lol
I know what you mean but at the same time i din’t blame him on focusing on his bew job…i did the same while i changed mine because i had such a bad experience in my previous one and i wanted so badly this one that i have put a lots of efforts and time to ensure i would keep it. I know it’s the same for him on this particular subject as we discussed about it. But as i said i don’t blame him for this or saying stuff he probably thought « on the moment » but we might have met on a wrong timing. The only thing i dislike is the fact he wasn’t honest by telling me the 2 times i proposed to meet him again that he wasn’t available and all. Just i found it disrespectful…that’s why i am thinking of replying (don’t know what yet lol) but just to show that i do respect him by not ignoring him but i won’t waiste my time for him.
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi
Thanks much for encouraging me 🙂
For the moment i am just thinking i don’t want to answer as it’s still the same. He doesn’t have time so no reason to loose mine.
I understand the fact that when you start new job you can yotally forget what happen around i am like that. But i also think that giving and finding time to/for someone is a choice. So else you choose to find it else you don’t and in that case you don’t deserve my attention 😊
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Kanya
Thanks for your answer 🙂
Yes right now i didn’t make up my mind on the fact i want to answer him or not…just feel that there is not much point to answer as he is pretty busy and he doesn’t have time so he might not even reply if i do it…Will see after the weekend if i want to lol
At the end i opened the message « by mistake » so he knows i read them but i didn’t answered. And there was nothing after the « i apologise for ». I have the feeling he did it purposely in order to get a reply from me asking « for what ». So right now i don’t want to play his game…lol
Have a nice week-end 😁
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hello ladies

Hope you are doing good 🙂
It’s been a little time i didn’t came here 😊 i was freeing my mind and enjoying life 😁
I was pretty busy last weekend and even this week as i have been on a training. As i told last time i erase my discussion with J from my phone and i put him in silent on instagram and in fact since my last message he apparently stopped to watch my profile (or atleast like my pics). That was atleast what i was thinking until this morning when i saw a new like from him…and tonight he sent me some messages that i didn’t opened just saw the alert…but from what i saw he replied to my last message…he told me that he also enjoyed our evening and that he liked the way i was speaking about it. He also told me that he was in a big rush since he started his new job and that he didn’t had time for anything. He also said i apologise for…(i don’t see the end lol)
I am thinking that i will wait before reading his message and see if i want to answer or not…will depend on what he apologises for…i guess i am getting the power back lol
But…in case i decide to reply i am thinking of sending Kanya’s message…like this i will be honest with my feelings and thoughts. (Yes i still feel there was a connection even if i was making my mind about forgetting him)
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Thanks 🙂

Yes for the social media or organically meeting right now honestly i don’t know…I am more feeling like i want to take just time for me. Maybe because i am really tired today lol

Also i am pretty busy again during this weekend, i have a dance class, a birthday party in the evening, a pole class and i need to rest at some point lol monday evening i also have my pole class and then i’ll be in a training all week for my work and it’s gonna be pretty intense…So i guess i’ll put the meeting stuff in pause until i really have time to invest in this. (Even if i know there is no really good time, or investing time period but…i have the feeling i am not into it right now).

Emilie

[Emilie S]

No nothing happen besides the alcohol and the lack of sleep…lol
Just i had a great time and fun and i guess i just stop thinking of sending him the message or not. Maybe the lack of energy i feel today because i am tired and because of alcohol made me realised that i didn’t wanted to loose my energy on this lol

In fact yesterday before you and Kanya suggested the message, i had erased our messages and i put him on silent mode on social network. I guess i started my process a bit before the party but the party confirmed it wasn’t going anywhere i wanted to. As i said, at first i just wanted to get the “power back on him” and i thought by being honest i was in the contrary giving him even more power which i am not willing to provide lol

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Kanya

Thanks much 🙂

In fact…I think you both will be thinking i am crazy…lol

But i had a party at work yesterday evening and i had (i think) too much alcohol lol so today is quite a hard day to be honest but…
The thing is that I finally made up my mind (thanks to alcohol ?lol) and i am not gonna contact him at the end. I finally realize that even if I felt a connection with J, i guess it was just during this special evening and nothing more. As you both said, he didn’t put any effort to get to know me better since or to meet me again so he is probably not into it. And i have the feeling that i deserve better and if he didn’t make any move until now being honest with him will just enhance his ego but won’t have any effect or just maybe make me feel bad soon or later because i won’t get “what i want”. So i finally made up my mind that i’ll forget him and stay silent and won’t waste anymore time on him as he clearly doesn’t deserve it.

Have a good day

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi
Thanks for your suggestion 🙂 i find it a really good idea !
I think i will wait tonight as i am currently at work so it might look weird that i discussed with a friend lol
I still need to figure out a proper translation in french of « all over the place ». Messages seem so much better and understandable in english than in french 😅😅
Will keep you posted
Have a good day
Emilie

[Author]

Posts