[Emilie S]

Can’t say much about the tears. It’s kind of the way the fact that my 2 drivers fight is getting expressed and might be my childwood’s one reaction to the other one winning. It kind be the fact that i am releasing this part of me for good for sure but it’s hard to release 🙂

I know there is nothing wrong putting it by text or voicemail but i would feel it’s a bit impersonal and a kind of weakness not being able to face it and say it out lowd. I might finish by using the first 2 methods but i would like to be able to do it the way i want. One of my wish is being able to express myself directly and in person to be able to move on and really feel i won over my own behavior. It’s more a personal fight and needs than something related to him. That’s why i am not feeling strong enough.

But i get what you mean about sending a message to the Universe. I just feel that it would have more impact on me by doing it like i said than just sending a message.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi

It’s kind of that. While saying i am not strong enough mean i am not able to say it out lowd without « crying ». I just want to be able to say it without showing this part of me which is making me feel weak.

I am more and  more conscious that i need to close this door to take the control back but i want to do it while feeling strong.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Kanya,

Thanks for your answer.

I honestly don’t know if it’s because he felt I was losing interest or if it was because of his hero instinct. Might have been a mix of both things that made him come back and try to get the connexion back between him and I, because for him the “friends with benefits” is convenient.

I totally agreed on the fact that he didn’t invest much time or energy into winning me until now and that it could be only for the casual part. I guess it is in fact, and that’s I think why I am telling him I am not available even if I could have been for some of the days he proposed to meet. He doesn’t like to cook lol so he wouldn’t proposed to cook a late diner, and that’s why he is just saying a drink, but he could at least proposed to order food for late diner and he didn’t.

I am not really clear about what I want at the moment. I need time right now to figure it out and that’s why I am also not jumping on the occasion to meet him.

In a way I am thinking I like him, I like our connexion, He is kind of everything I want in a guy (I mean on what we share) except (and that’s a big exception) the fact that he is not available emotionally as far as he told me. But on this I have no control and he is the only one who can break his walls. I guess I owe him to be honest as he has been honest with me and I should tell him what I just wrote here. But right now I am confused with a lot of mixed feelings and I just don’t want to say anything or meet him until I feel the strength to put proper words on this and be aligned with my “2 drivers” 🙂 I know in the end it’s the best solution but for now I just want to feel stronger and stay focused only on myself and my well being. I would prefer to say all this in person and not by messages that’s why I am saying I need to feel stronger. Because I am pretty sure, once on face to face I wouldn’t be able right now to express myself. Don’t know if I am clear or not lol but in a sense there is no rush for me to express all this until I feel ready to do so.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hello ladies

Hope you are doing good 😁

Just wanted to let you know that apparently rejecting F (widow guy) last friday and shared with him i wasn’t well because of my dogs seems to make him come back…Today he asked how i was, how was my dog, what i did during my weekend…i thanked him for his attention and also because he reassured me when my dog was getting some check up and all. So he said « of course i am nice and attentive 😉☺️ » i said « yes that’s what makes you so hateable 😜 » so of course he said « you mean likeable 😊😉” and i told him « no no hateable, you could be likeable but you miss one thing for that » and then he got curious and as i wasn’t replying he was not happy.
So he changed the subject and Asked if i changed my hairstyle yet as i have hair extension and i told him i might removed them soon. I joked by telling i would send him a picture as soon as i would have done it. And then i said « or better i don’t send picture but we meet for a drink ». He told me i would have to come as he couldn’t afford a baby sitter for sometime as he can’t be reiumbursed for that anymore or that i should wait for him to be able to drop his son to his grandma ». I said « ok but if i wait for you to drop to his grandma i would kill my hairs. » i told him i would go next to his place for a birthday soon and he asked when i said 11th he was like yes soon that’s relative. And he was sure i could drop by his place sooner. I said not really i am going to england to see my mom so he wa slike when, until when. Told him he was too curious lol and then he said and tonight? I replied i have pole dance so he was like tomorrow i was like no i also have pole dance so he asked for thursday. I said i was supposed to meet a friend of mone but that she would confirm tomorrow. He was like ok then. And we came back on why he wasn’t likeable, i said you were the one telling me you were an asshole so …that’s your own criteria, i don’t know it myself even if i could have think it about your baby sitter excuse. He was like « did i really say that? ».
To conclude, i don’t know if i am gonna meet him or not this thursday, might say no even if not doing anything, would be 2 times in a row that i am rejecting him…but seems it creates a reaction from his side even if i am totally aware it’s just words and right now he isn’t willing to really make efforts (paying baby sitter)…
Let see
Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Kanya

Thanks for your answer and kind words 🙂

I am aware of my qualities, I know I have plenty and I am pretty aligned with them. But I know that when I am facing a kind of “rejection situation”, i am back in my childhood and wonder what the purpose to have so much qualities if no one sees and accepts them. It used to last really long in this process of wonders but it’s decreasing more and more so I guess I am more and more learning to deal with that and release them by seeing the other side of the half filled glass 🙂

I am more and more connected to what I want and trying to get more aligned with that by rejecting by my own what is not meant for me. It’s not always working directly, I am still learning lol but I guess I am on the right path.

For the low esteem guy, I guess the nickname came because of the confusion between him and F (widow guy lol). But yes I figured out that he wasn’t meeting all my expectation so better not put any energy in this 🙂

Emilie

• This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Emilie S.

[Emilie S]

Hello Heidi

Thanks again for sharing your thought with me.

Yes everything does make sense as usual 🙂

Regarding the busy part of my mind. I think it’s coming from the same time of my life as the “not feeling love” one.

While I was a child I spent a lot of time alone at home so I kept myself busy for not feeling lonely and I guess “not loved” aswell. I am pretty sure it’s coming from this time of my life. So I developed my brain to keep being busy and by being curious and all. I didn’t wanted to feel bored. I used to compensate with food aswell which I definitely stopped by getting aware of this pattern so it’s the same. In fact, while I broke up with my manipulative boyfriend, I liked to be alone and doing anything, but I guess I was feeling a bit “depressed” at the same time. Just because I stopped my brain from thinking about my relationship but I stopped all thinking process aswell and all activities.
I might have linked the fact that when I don’t do anything, and not thinking, I feel “alone” but moreover I feel depressed. So I am avoiding this situation by keeping myself busy, and I really enjoy this as I have the feeling to enjoy the present time only.

But what I Clearly know is that when I met a guy which could be “good on paper” but is not challenging me, I can’t feel attracted, I can discuss and like him as a friend but I know It won’t be more.

After 2 days of not feeling really well (pretty tired and some issue with my dog) and having some discussion with my friends, I figured out that the “low esteem guy” isn’t meant for me. I processed our date again and I have noticed too much thing that were disturbing but not in a good way, and the fact that my alarm rang was a clear sign of it. I know that I couldn’t have been totally myself with him and that’s not what I am looking for. Moreover as he didn’t sent out any message since then, I feel it disrecptecful and it’s clearly something I don’t like in a man behavior so I won’t put much energy in this and let it go. I just had an “ego” reaction but in my gut I know it wouldn’t have been a good relationship or not for the good reason.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi

Thanks for your answer.

For the low esteem guy, of course it needs to go deeper but as i don’t have any news yet i can’t do much about it. And also i said it seems because he said that he doesn’t look good so he developped artistic skills and his body to be able to « sell himself »but at the same time he seems to be self confident as he said he doesn’t care about what people thinks or said to him when he knows he is right. (That’s not exactly what he said but something like that, that made me think he is paradoxal)…

Of course it’s not an issue that i like to help people that’s who i am. It’s more like what if i was attracted to him just because of that and that i get bored once i found out i helped him or that he doesn’t need help in the end and that i would just maje the both of us waste our time…

For the fact that i can get easily bored yes it’s not only related to relationship, i can’t stay without doing something. That’s why i have so much activities lol
I used to do computer programmation but i got bored quickly because i was under the impression that it was always the same and that my brain wasn’t challenged about that and that I needed to change. So I looked for something more challenging where I could still learn stuff…I am dealing with that on my own to be honest. But I am afraid while being in a relationship and that I couldn’t handle it or my partner can’t follow or challenged me aswell.
I don’t really know what is really the fear about…just feeling bored and in that case I have the feeling that I wouldn’t feel well so maybe that I wouldn’t be myself, and happy and positive so of course it would lead to an end of a relationship…I didn’t really worked on that particular point with my coach, I worked on the fact to be more positive, to let things go, to be more conscious of my feelings and being more “selfish” regarding to them…I did a lot of progress…

About my brain…I feel like it’s just the way I am and I do like to analyze and understand things. The only problem is when I don’t understand and I start to process over again and again…But sometime I just get stuck and I get frustrated lol

And just to let you know yesterday I told F (the widow guy) that I wouldn’t meet him tonight even if he proposed it, and at one point I was thinking it could change my mind and my thought, but same time I wasn’t feeling good so I preferred to step back as I guess it would have just be in order to forget the “low esteem guy” silence and not for a good reason.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Haha Sorry to confuse you !

What do you mean that you don’t know if you should “share” your alarm signal….you mean share it with him? And you mean tell him about your interest and your deep fear (what’s your deep fear?). << For this one I am talking about the guy with “low self esteem” (it’s just a guess I don’t know if he really has low self esteem but seems to) that I met last Tuesday evening and from whom I have no news since then. My deep fear is that unfortunately I could be interested in him just because of my “need” to help people around me, that’s my first fear and the second one is related to what I said about my brain. It’s frightening me a lot for my relationship because I can’t stand to feel annoyed, without activities or brain challenges or discovering new things…and I am afraid of getting bored in a relationship because of my brain, of course I am not thinking the guy should be the one providing me all this, but if he is not able to handle this part of me…

And yes F is the widow guy who is not available emotionally. And with whom I wasn’t talking since I guess 10 days or so.

And yes I am doing a lot of activities to keep my balance, and I was managing it quite well until…yesterday I guess. Something flipped in my mind and I can’t stop it again even while practicing sport or it’s just during the session itself, even yesterday evening I was watching Avengers it was ok during the movie…but at some point the movie was getting “boring” (I mean some scene were pretty long without much interest lol) and as soon as it was like that my brain was thinking about the scenario why they would have done this like that and all and I could think “oh this in real life isn’t possible – yeah of course it’s a movie” I have dialogue with my own brain lol…Of course I am not always thinking about my love situation but everything around me is a reason for my brain to think, memorize, analyse, getting me crazy lol I am joking a lot about it with my friend because at some point I am exhausted by myself lol

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hello Heidi

I was wondering the same in fact and I guess that’s why my gut pushed me to send a message to say thank you for the drink. Just to keep the “door open” but don’t know if he would do it or not…
I never really dated men with low self-confidence..So don’t really know how to handle that. Was wondering if I should “share” my alarm signal lol or at least that I could be interested and same time I have my deep fear …Don’t really know.

Thanks anyway.

For the fun part, I received a message from F today, he was wondering what happened to me and was getting “worried” not to have any news. I asked why worried, and he said it was just an expression but he felt weird by the fact I used to talk a lot and then nothing at all.
After asking about news he just said he wanted to “make love” and then just “sexe” with me. I said yes will see.

I am not really in a “good mood” today. With F, I knew nothing was possible so I just easily let things go but with this new guy I am lost in my brain and I can’t stop thinking (in fact while discussing with a friend yesterday evening she told me I was a “zebra person” don’t know if you are aware of this people, but seems we can’t make our brain stop thinking and be curious about everything around us which is definitely my type of brain and it’s really tiring sometime).

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi

Thanks for your answer. I get what you mean with the question you are suggesting I read them in the different lesson. We just didn’t get enough time to go on this subject. I was thinking the same but just didn’t get a chance (yet) to do so.

For now I still don’t have any news from him so I think I shouldn’t send him any message until he comes back to me.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi

Thanks for your answer.

Yes I remembered that, that’s maybe why I had my internal alarm about my pattern lol

Hmm we didn’t really discussed about his own pattern, I mean he concluded that he wasn’t better than me on choosing his partners. But he was saying that he faced this as experience and lesson and that what was important was of course growing but not changing who you are because of your “past fail”.

I don’t know exactly what he is doing to face his pattern and choices, but he at least he is realistic about the fact it wasn’t the best choice and he tries to meet people that are more “healthy”, to take the time to get to know the person and not rushing into a relationship directly. About his last relation it was more than a year and half ago. He broke up with the girl and said he was ok now. He definitely knows that he has a pattern of thinking “people could change” but he knows it’s not true and admitted it. Appart from that I don’t know him that much yet so no much clue on it.

He seems to have a lack of confidence in himself, thinking he is not looking good enough, he is shy,…might be the reason why he choose girl which are not healthy because he might think they are the only ones who could love him ? (even if I am not trying to put stuff in boxes)

I don’t know yet if I am again in my pattern or not but at least I am listening to myself when the bell ring 🙂
And for now I still don’t have any news from him.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hello ladies,

It’s been few days since I came here 🙂

Hope you’re doing good and that you had a nice easter.

For me it was pretty nice in Paris we had almost summer weather so lot of walks in parks, meeting family and friends..so had a nice time 🙂

On another subject, yesterday I met a guy I was discussing with since 10 days or so. We had a drink outside, not that long as he came back pretty late the day before from his weekend and was tired. I told him that we could have postponed the drink as he proposed it even knowing he would be a bit tired …We had a nice talk, getting to know each other (deeper than discussion we had by messaging). We spent some time talking about our past relationship, seemed pretty important to him to discuss about this subject. He shared a lot about his own history of dating. Which made me think at one point “oh, am I again entering my pattern with this guy” lol but I guess it’s to early to really know. The reason why I am saying that is because he told me he always had long relationship (4 years, 3 years, 5 years I guess I am missing one but…)
The one who troubled me was the one of 3 years because he told me this one was the one he really felt in love, and a deep love that he thinks he can’t feel again (so yes I thought “oh god again an unavailable emotional guy”), the girl he was with had a really hard history and he offered her everything, and one evening she said “I’m going to a club with some friend” she left…and he never saw her again and never got any news from her. It was more than 8 years ago now…Then he met his last girlfriend he stayed with during 5 years even if he told her since the beginning he wouldn’t fall in love with her. In the end, it was a really toxic relationship for him as the girl was bitting him (and not “like a girl”, she was really punching him…). He finally broke up with her more than a year ago.
I guess at one point while discussing we were in a contest of showing how we were bad to choose our relation lol

So my point is, while knowing all this, and still feel interested in him, is looking like I am again entering in my pattern ? He didn’t told me he wouldn’t be able to love again as he told his past girlfriend, but knowing what happened and what he said I am wondering if he could fall in love again…

In the meantime, I am not able to say if he is interested in me at all or not. I sent a message out this late morning to thank him for the drink and hopping he was able to rest as he was definitely tired…Let see what happen next.

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi

Thanks so much 🙂

Will see my next chapter 🙂 and i know that even if i did work a lot to get more centered i still have work to do…it’s a non rest path 🙂 but i do like it thought so « not that hard » just challenging as you said 😉

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Heidi

Thanks for your answer ! I get what you mean. But I guess there was a little misunderstood about my 2 previous statement.

I wasn’t aware at 5 that I “wasn’t wanted”. This came out from a discussion I had when I was already an adult like 5 years ago only.

The rejection bubble could have been “only” about the fact that I was feeling responsible of my parents’ divorce. (Just wanted to precise this point even if your explanation is still working on this subject).

I don’t know if you remembered but I told you I’ve been to therapist and I also did hypnosis. It was about this particular behavior, and it came out that I was blocked on this “child part” of myself. A quick sum up about what came out is that : I used to want so much to pleased my parents and family and friends that I wasn’t able to say no even when I didn’t wanted to do something. Thanks to the therapy and hypnose I worked on this and I changed my behavior and became more “selfish” on this. When I am tired and not feeling like doing something I am telling no and I am choosing what feels good to me and not to them. I am still working on this with my coach by the way 😉
Regarding the other part of my life (studies, work) I always used it as a strength meaning that when I decided I wanted something I got it 🙂

But I guess there is still some work to do on the relationship part which seems not to be healed totally 🙂 So it does really make sense !

I’ll definitely go on your website (not tonight because I am tired lol) but I am quite interested about this subject 🙂

Thanks again !!! love your insight 🙂

Emilie

[Emilie S]

Hi Kanya,

Thanks for your answer 🙂

I am pretty sure it’s related to my parent’s divorced when I was 5. Or just because I wasn’t a “wanted” baby. I mean, my parents met and my mom got pregnant pretty early in their relationship, of course they both love me but I got to know that I wasn’t “wanted” at first…I wasn’t plan that early in fact.

I also used to think that they got divorced because of me (they never wanted to talk about it until few years ago I confronted my mom to get answers and since then I know it’s just related to them and really n to about me…).
But might be the reason ?

Emilie

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