[Heidi G]

I don’t care that you misspelled my name. I don’t know if you ever paid attention, but there is an edit button you can click on after you post your message, so you can go back and fix how you spell my name next time…LOL!

That’s so interesting about your dog’s mouth. I bet you are right that it’s probably from how she was or was not weaned properly and it’s showing up in her mouth. I know for humans, our teeth are mostly reflective of our gut. I wonder if it is the same for dogs. I found this lady that all she does is dog nutrition. It’s quite unusual, but her approach to nutrition has helped heal hundreds of incurable cases and turned things around for people’s pets. Here is her website so you can explore her approach. I just came across her recently and am slowly reading through her book so I personally cannot attest to anything yet. https://rotationalmonofeeding.com/

I ended up going rock climbing this last weekend. Holy smokes!!! It was soooo hard and so fun! It was an indoor gym kind of thing and it’s been at least 20 years since I was on a wall. My friend begged me to go with him and I’m so glad I eventually said yes. LOL. I’m having trouble massaging my dog because my forearms are soooo sore, but it’s good for me to do something different. I have some friends who did the whole murder mystery dinner thing and they loved it!! There is place here in Boulder where there are rooms you go into and you can’t come out until you solve the puzzle or scenario you are presented with. I think these kinds of activities are so great for groups of people! It’s bonding for sure!

So you are experimenting with Brioche?? How fun! I love the 1 new recipe per week kind of thing. Are you sharing or keeping it all to yourself??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Thank you for sharing more of your story. I’m glad you know him better than I originally thought. I still want to suggest to slow down. I’m glad you have seen him under some stress and that he still treated you well. Have you guys ever had an argument in person? Have you ever hurt him? Have you ever confronted him about something that he is doing that isn’t okay for you? There is soooooooo much to learn about someone. On average, it takes about a year (in person) to get to know the REAL person and what lives behind the initial presentation. In the beginning, it’s normal and easy to hide parts of yourself, so again…really slow down and give this relationship some time to build. Would you consider just taking a step back and suggesting that you guys just keep getting to know each other and in maybe a year, you can move somewhere else? You are investing EVERYTHING you have…your money, your time, your heart, your entire life into a guy that you don’t know very well. Would you be okay to go through all of this and then having the relationship end after you moved your entire life somewhere to be with him? It’s one thing if this is something you already wanted to do and it’s in your heart to explore other places to live and create a different life. But if that is not in your heart and you are doing this FOR HIM…I ask for you to just slow down and reconsider what you are doing. It’s not okay for you to completely lose yourself in order to meet HIS requirements. That is a betrayal of your self and that will always bring chaos to a relationship down the road.

if you don’t earn this much money and live in the same city as me I understand his needs. I imagine he doesn’t want you to be dependent on him. Living in the U.S. is a very different mindset and he doesn’t have a true understanding about what you are going through and what it’s like for you where you live. So again…maybe just slow down and you guys agree to just date for another year while you both figure some things out. During that year, you explore your options, you can save money, you can maybe get a 2nd or 3rd job…who knows.

I just want to feel that we’re in this together, that’s not just my responsibility What exactly does this mean for you? What does he need to do or say that would make you feel like you were in this together? It sounds like he is very clear on what he needs from you. He needs you to make more money and he needs you to live somewhere that he is willing to live and work. So that part IS all on you. He cannot help you with those things. So what do you want from him EXACTLY?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Good job for really embracing yourself and facing your fears/wounds!!! It takes time, so be patient with yourself. I love that you have been getting out and about and being more playful in your life. Do you have a dog? That may be something to consider. Being single, a dog is a WONDERFUL place for you to send your beautiful love to and have it returned unconditionally and consistently.

I really want you to embrace that regardless of your wounds and the neediness that showed up, HE was part of this design too. He has his own issues and just developed a different attachment style that is more avoidant. Have you looked into attachment styles? Have you looked into love languages? These are some fun ways to understand yourself and the differences between you and your partner. The goal is to help you realize that he contributed just as much as you did to the ending of this relationship. Even though it’s not what you wanted, he DID contribute to your “neediness” by not being very emotionally available. That’s an instant trigger for anyone with abandonment issues. He has a lot of work to do on himself too. So it just boils down to you guys not being a the best match for each other RIGHT NOW. Whose to say that when you develop more inner strength and self-esteem and when he does the same, you guys might come back together. For now…keep your eyes on yourself. Here are a few books you may resonate with…they are books about empowering yourself and connecting more deeply to yourself. When you do that…the neediness starts to go away because you become your own source of love and connection instead of relying on a guy who is emotionally unavailable. https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kristina,

Wow girl! Give yourself a break here. Have some compassion for yourself. He was nicer to you than you are being towards yourself. I understand your frustration of feeling like you are back to square one, but I think it was a great interaction! He got to say a few things, you got to say a few things and he basically said he respects you as a person….one of THE MOST IMPORTANT components in a relationship. He isn’t supposed to do “co-dependent” relationships well…nobody is. AND he also is terrified of really being seen as a person. So from my point of view, you BOTH have some inner work to do, but there is still a really nice connection between you guys.

I mean think about it…you were balling your eyes out and he was holding you! He accepted and embraced you and very gracefully created space for you to lose it. That’s beautiful! What a healing thing for you to experience! And in that “losing it” you were able to apologize and own your “needy” behavior. That’s great! Now he knows your strength in being able to own your own shit and still be friends even though it didn’t work out this time. You brought out his vulnerability as well, which is important for him to feel.

I don’t think all is lost at all! I think that if you really started to work on developing your inner strength, your self-esteem there is potential there…and if not with him, then definitely another guy! A woman who knows how to hold herself strongly and confidently is VERY ATTRACTIVE to the kind of man that is worth investing in. So let’s talk about this a little bit. What’s going on with you and the “needy/clingy” side of you? Do you understand what is happening for you and why this comes out in you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Anna,

Wow! Well, I have to say this is quite unusual. Of course you are frustrated!

How long have you been neighbors and doing the just friends thing with him?

It’s a pretty big red flag. I understand his logic, but if you look at his patterns in his life, he is not a guy who goes very deep and his pattern is constantly sabotaging intimacy. The thing is, he is not REALLY facing his patterns…he is just creating another way to keep you distant. I understand that he believes he is doing something he has never done before by being friends with you, but let’s look a little deeper into that. He is TERRIFIED! The way he is looking at this is trying to make a “forever” decision and that simply is not realistic. There are NO GUARANTEES when it comes to love. Things can end in a split second at any time – even after 30 years together. So he is trying to create some level of a guarantee because he is terrified of the ending that “could” be there. So he is trying to deal with his fear by being seeing how the friendship works out. It’s a wise choice however, it’s being driven by a lot of fear, which can really muck up the intent and just create another problem.

What’s his history? Do you know why he only dated superficially? Do you know what was always stopping him from going deeper?

I would say something to him about how you are feeling. This is a co-creation, so that means that it’s important for you to express how you are feeling as well. It sounds like you were okay with it for awhile, but now you are losing patience. I would also invite you into looking at that within yourself as well. You keep going back to a man who has been emotionally unavailable for 4 years. What is happening for YOU that you would keep allowing that back into your life? Have you considered that this “friend” zone might be pushing your own levels of intimacy that you are used to? You already know that the sexual chemistry is there, but the friendship side of things was lacking…you participated in that design many different times over the years, so there is a level of comfort you have with that…and now he is requiring more intimacy – which could trigger a level of discomfort within you – maybe it’s too intimate for what you are used to? or that you feel you deserve? I’m just throwing out ideas here – I’m curious if you have explored your own reaction to this.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Natalia,

Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story and your questions.

The first thing I want to suggest is to slow down a bit. Neither of you knows each other very well, yet you are spending all of your time and energy focusing on making this work with him. I understand you have a great time together, but there is still sooooo much to learn about him. You are only seeing him at his best and haven’t even seen him at his worst yet. What if he is abusive? What if he is extremely critical and narcissistic when he gets stressed? What if you hurt his feelings and it turns out he is not a very forgiving guy? These are all qualities that will break any relationship. What I’m basically saying is that you don’t know enough about this guy, and vice versa, to be making any long term plans with him. That’s the hardest part about long distance relationships….it’s not a true and real picture of someone and the life they have designed. It sounds like you are ready to give everything you have to this guy without knowing much about him and that’s where I just want to suggest slowing down a bit.

As far as how to approach this, it’s about staying grounded in what you want and what you can offer. If that is not enough for him, then whatever it is that is stopping him from moving forward with you, is an issue HE has to face within himself if anything is going to work with you, or any woman for that matter. If your skillset and job opportunities just don’t cut it for him, there is not much you can do about that. He may not have as much money as you think and he may be cautious with how much he invest in you, because he doesn’t know you or he may have a fear of being used by you….who knows. Why not talk about it? You can say something like “It seems that money is getting in the way. I’m curious…what does it feel like for you to have to pay for me all the time? If I had all the money in the world and could come visit you anytime, would that truly make a difference for you? Do you feel you would really want to stay committed to me? What is it that you need in order to feel like you want to continue investing in this?” These are questions to get the conversation going. You want to create a space for him to be honest and share what he is REALLY feeling. You both are on different pages, so it’s about figuring out how you both are thinking/feeling differently and IF it’s possible to get into alignment or maybe need to move in different directions.

I understand you want him to want you and to fight for you. Let’s look at this realistically though….he doesn’t know you that well and vice versa. Distance is INCREDIBLY difficult to build a new relationship off of. It’s a very limited way to get to know someone and it takes a TON of money, time and effort to develop. He just may not be up for that in the end…who knows. But being honest and open AND slowing things down in your mind/heart is important. With him telling you he isn’t ready to move in together, is letting you know he isn’t moving at the same speed as you are and I’m guessing he feels your speed as pressure and you might be activating his defenses a bit. When 1 person is moving much faster than the other, it causes a disconnect. So maybe in the conversation, suggest an approach forward that is much slower. Are you able to pay anything? Like maybe you take turns paying for a visit every other month or something? Did you guys talk a lot? Video chat? How did you keep things going between your visits?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Wow! You are stepping a little more into your fear. Well done! You are doing an incredibly brave thing and you are breaking the pattern of what is creating your miserable life. You are fighting for yourself on the very first level. You can do this!

I didn’t want to do it over text. Maybe I shouldn’t tell him anything and just start ignoring him like he was ignoring me before? Text is totally okay! Just send him a message saying it’s time to stop and that you are no longer available for him. Simple. DO NOT see him in person and DO NOT set up any kind of conversation. Text is VERY appropriate in this situation.

I also don’t know how to talk to the kids about it. I tried talking to one of them yesterday who is the most mature of the 3 sighting the controlling behavior and the last incident about swimming. DO NOT talk to your kids about the details!!! They DO NOT need to know or understand…they just need to accept. Telling them details is very damaging. You are seeking for them to understand and that is not their job. They are just kids and do not have the ability to understand what you are doing. I suggest talking to your therapist first. It’s important to set yourself up with as much success as you possibly can through this process. Your husband is very controlling which means there is potential for him to be really damaging in one way or another. Work with your therapist on the best way to approach this so you keep yourself and your kids safe first and foremost.

But I am scared of not being able to feel the way he makes me feel again. I have started talking to the therapist but seems a therapist doesn’t really give advice and more just trying to talk to me so that I would make the right decision but I think I really need an advice on what to do and how to approach it. Of course you are scared. If you stay or if you go, there are things to be afraid of, but you will discover that by leaving and fighting for yourself, you are resilient and strong in ways that you didn’t know. You are stepping off a cliff into the unknown and that is no easy task and requires an incredible amount of courage…but that is something you DO have. I suggest finding a therapist you really resonate with. If this person doesn’t feel right for you, then keep looking until you feel a “yes” in your heart.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

You are right that they are going to have a harder time getting to be in my life. IN fact, it may be downright impossible.
T
So – fear has nothing to do with the fact that these people are not a part of my lives. They just don’t exist for me, as i don’t exist for them.
If there is a wall, there is fear. It’s impossible to have 1 without the other. Just because you do not consciously FEEL the fear, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I’m saying there IS fear, just by the simple fact you have an instant wall that goes up around these 3 groups of people. Why not live your life with an open heart to EVERYONE until they prove to you they are not a safe person? Maybe that is not the kind of person you want to be in this world. I don’t know. If God created the victims AND the perpetrators and if God is unconditional love, then I want to be able to see the gift of every single living thing that crosses my path. If judgment and fear are standing in the way of that, then I want to transform that back into unconditional love. It doesn’t mean I invite unsafe people into my life – it just means that the judgment and fear do not live within me that act as wall and barrier to me seeing the light and goodness in the person and the gift they are to humanity and even more simply….I just do not want to live with fear and judgment in my spirit, period.

But – i will never treat anyone less than another because of their race or gender. i am not a person who sits on a fence. i HAVE taken sides. It’s the voiceless who needs a voice, not the one who’s perfectly fine screaming on their own. I understand what you are saying. You have an affinity to those people you view have no support. I’m getting a better sense of where you stand. Where I am poking holes is…with women in particular, it goes beyond just defending…you shame and judge them. Because there is an inherent lack of trust and distaste towards women, which is full of fear and judgment, your goal to “defend” men, the voiceless in your mind, turns into making women bad and wrong in the process and this is the part I am poking at. Make sense?

So, in my mind – if i try to build a romantic relationship with another man, i’d have to put aside my friendship with JB – not cut it off – but it won’t go any further and any deeper, because i’d be building something else with another man. This is true. Any new romantic relationship with a man will shift your friendship with JB. So basically, you are saying, JB is your person. Even though it’s just a friendship, he is the person you are committing your heart to, in a romantic way, even though he is just a friend. I understand there is depth to explore with him, but it will always be limited because there are certain places he is not willing to explore with you. I understand this could also change over time, but that’s a big IF. We have to accept each person NOW…so who he is now, sounds like he is filling you up enough to decide not to open the door to romance. Yes?

I found myself unable to say no to him, the minute he touched me I love that you got to feel this way. It’s been a really long time.

What are my reasons for going off with another man at this point? A physical connection? It seems like such a cheap thing to sell JB’s friendship for. Do you really think JB cares? I mean, why is it selling his friendship by being physical with another man? If it is, then your friendship is pretty fragile or he actually does have romantic feelings for you but is not willing to actually do anything about it.

Just something to consider…could it be possible that JB is a really good reason for you not to risk loving again? You invested your heart into a monk. You have invested your heart into JB. Both men were/are not available for anything romantic. Could it be that committing all that you have to JB, who is just a friend and not emotionally available as a romantic partner, is your way of staying safe and not risking to love again? I mean…isn’t it possible that there is another man who can offer a deep friendship, AND make passionate love to you, AND open his heart fully and completely to you, AND make you feel like you are the most treasured, valuable person in his life? By committing your heart to JB, you are saying no to this potential…which is what you REALLY want.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

i told JB that the next time we met, we absolutely had to explore our physical connection, as long as he wasn’t grossed out by the thought of being touched by me. Wow! This is interesting! What does this even mean to you? What exactly were you wanting to explore?

Isn’t it interesting how much shame you carry? Shame and guilt are incredibly tough emotions. They absolutely can be all consuming and carry an incredibly strong judging energy. For those feelings to really anchor into a system, it takes a pretty strong story to attach yourself to. Have you explored the origin of your shame? What kinds of thoughts were fueling the shame for you this time? I’m glad JB was able to help free you from your emotional self-beating session. I know how important he is to you and to know he is able to forgive you like this is really important!

Anyway, i saw that in any relationship there are several layers of compatability that are necessary, in order for the relationship to succeed, and for me, my spiritual life is foundational, so any relationship i have will have to be 100% matching in that area. Other areas – are like the walls of a house, they need to be strong, but it’s not a major issue if they fall. Not as major an issue as a cracked foundation. There are actually SEVERAL areas that create a foundation. These are the non-negotiables. It’s different for each person of course, but it’s important to know what your non-negotiables are if you are wanting to fall in love. Those non-negotiables are what guide you when dating.

I’m excited for you that you went on a date and had a great experience! You were told you were beautiful and by a “normal” guy!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that!!

I value my friendship with JB more than i want a relationship with another man. Let’s explore this a bit. I’m not sure what this means exactly. JB is not available for a romantic relationship with you, yet you want a romantic relationship in your life. Why do you have to value 1 more than the other? JB is important of course, but so are your desires to be more intimate and close with a man. Can those both coexist equally?

Why are men so good to me? and so patient with me?! I am the luckiest woman in the world! Why wouldn’t men be good to you? Why wouldn’t a man be patient with you? You are not “lucky.” You deserve for a person to be patient with you WHEN you mess up. How many times have you been patient with JB’s mistakes and humanness and limitations??? Is he lucky or does he deserve that kind of patience and forgiveness from you? I personally would expect it otherwise they don’t get to be in my life…and this holds true for anyone. I am patient and forgiving for their humanness and mistakes and I would expect the same kindness in return. This doesn’t seem to be what you are connecting to though. The level of shame that came up for you has to do with your past and is NOT about what just happened. The level of shame and embarrassment you felt would me more appropriate if you got caught naked and cheating in your marriage or something – or got caught in a big lie – with the level of shame and embarrassment you felt, you would think you did something MAJORLY OFFENSIVE and hurtful to someone. All you did was make a statement and you quickly self-corrected. AND…he is a grown man. If he felt uncomfortable with your “demand” then he should have said no. You didn’t force him into anything. If he didn’t honor his “no” and said “yes” instead, then HE needs to look at that for himself as he wasn’t being authentic. That’s on HIM, not you. You gave him an opportunity to learn about himself! Isn’t that a gift???

So what’s going to happen with this other guy? I might have missed it in all the reading. Are you going to see him again?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

How come your dog was losing bone in her jaw? Does she have a disease or something? That’s so strange! I have met 1 dog before who had zero teeth and he was doing great! They do just swallow their food, don’t they? LOL. That’s actually the #1 problem with how people eat…0ver 90% of people do not chew their food enough AND they take larger bites of food too….both causing a lot of digestive issues. Us Americans especially, tend to eat way too fast. That’s not an issue I have, thank goodness, but I tend to eat while distracting myself…also another issue most people have. There was a study done once by where they put people in a room all by themselves and asked them to drink a solution of mineral water. Then they were tested to see how much of those minerals were absorbed. 95%+ was absorbed in the body. Then they had that person drink the mineral solution while 1 person was talking to them in one ear and another person talking into the other ear. There was a less than 5% absorption rate! Whaaaat??? Insane, right? A lot of experiments have been done that show that beyond WHAT you eat, it’s HOW you eat that can actually be MORE impactful. So interesting!

I think I could thank him because it opens my eyes. I mean I did the work myself but what happened between us “forced me” to face what I already knew inside me at some point but wasn’t able to deal with yet. I love that you are able to see and embrace the TRUE gift of what happened between you guys. You were strong enough internally that you were able to receive it that way compared to many people who have not done the work on themselves, who would just fall apart and blame and let things fester. Being strong and connected internally is the greatest thing you could ever do for yourself AND it just makes life so much more peaceful and easy. When you get knocked off your center, which will happen for the rest of your life, you have a center to come back to and because of that, you will recover so much more quickly! Life is so much easier this way, but most people don’t want to do the work to create this for themselves. It’s not an easy path to live on and it takes a strong commitment to yourself….forever. And sadly, it can be a very lonely path. It’s a very different kind of mindset when you are the kind of person who is always growing, healing and learning. Not many will be able to identify or understand, but the close friends you DO end up having and the kind of love you end up attracting into your life is soooooo much better, more authentic and supportive, and just more beautiful! I go through those phases too, that when I grow to new levels, old guys I have dated will somehow swoop back into my life. I always find that interesting.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

He is not normally hostile actually he is usually calm and quiet. The hostility has come since New Years day and the break up. well now you know this lives within him and what he is capable of. Hostility is not something that just shows up. Hostility is an energy that lives inside of someone for many years and just the right mixture of triggers can bring it up. I actually get VERY worried about someone who is always calm and quiet. If he is never someone who feels anger or is someone who isn’t very expressive, that typically is a sign of someone who has a volcano happening inside of them that they are constantly managing – and usually are not even aware of because they have been that way their whole lives, so they don’t know any different. Then the volcano will erup under the “right” conditions and the people they love the most will get hit the worst. Just something to be aware of. I know the 2 years have been amazing, but you are now seeing another layer of him come out. This is a side of him that is not going to change unless he faces himself and work on his volcano, so getting back together means you will be going through some variation of what happening now…again and again and again.

Is it pride? Probably. But pride = fragility. People who are prideful are incredibly fragile emotionally.

What to do? Keep giving him space and work on yourself. Keep sending him loving thoughts and take care of yourself and learn and grow about yourself. Put your focus on yourself by learning more deeply about your own triggers. Step into the hurt you are feeling right now. Develop some new skills/knowledge about how to handle your own triggers in a more healthy/honoring way. This is about YOU, not him. We don’t always get what we want, but we get exactly what we need. He may never come back. Wouldn’t you say that if he is someone who isn’t interested in fighting for you or himself, especially after having a pretty great 2 years…that he is someone who doesn’t know how to truly value you? Isn’t that something you want to know sooner than later? If this relationship is going to grow, then he needs to rescue himself instead of you trying to figure out how to soften him to come back into connection with you. Is that really the job you want to have for the rest of your life??? Because what he is doing now, will only get worse over time and will start to show up more frequently. HE needs to fight himself, so give him some space to do that. If he doesn’t fight, then that is something you need to really see about him, as he would not be a good long term partner. It’s an incredibly hard reality to come to terms with for sure. So that’s why I’m turning you towards yourself to start taking care of YOU. If all you do is focus on how to get him back, then you lose yourself in this whole process and it becomes all about him.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

but what pushed me into someone else’s arms so to speak is not him being away a lot (even though that did make it easier) but this controlling behavior. what pushed you into someone else’s arms is YOUR choice to stay in a marriage that you are not happy in. Your cheating has nothing to do with him and everything to do with you not sticking up for yourself and staying somewhere you don’t want to stay. THIS IS 100% YOUR CHOICE. Yes, you have reasons for being unhappy and yes he is part of that, but instead of truly dealing with it in a way that makes you feel good as a person, you are breaking your integrity and you are lying. Is this the kind of person you want to be in your life? Do you truly feel good about your choices? If it doesn’t bother you at all that you are cheating and lying, then you get to stay unhappy and keep looking for it elsewhere. You are only using your neighbor the way he is using you. You both are like a drug to each other. When you want a “hit” so you can feel good, you go get your drug from him. If this is truly how you want to live your life, you get to do that and deal with the consequences of what that means. If you want to face your life and get out of this controlling relationship, there are consequences in that direction as well. If you stay, your neighbor will end things, you will be even more heartbroken and miserable than you are now, your husband will sense something, as he already does and you will be even worse off than before your affair with your neighbor. Maybe that is what you need to go through to truly start to fight for your life. If you leave, you will start to build some integrity within. You will be fighting for something different in your life. It will be hard. So it depends on what kind of hard you are wanting to face in your life. There is 1 difference between each path. If you stay, the hard, the hurt, the betrayal has no end…there is no light at end of the tunnel scenario here. If you go, there is an end you are working towards. There is a point in time where you will start to feel free, more happy, more empowered, and you will begin to start to know yourself better – that is, if you don’t hook yourself onto another guy for awhile.

but she thinks I have a very good husband and that a divorce would be hard on the kids, especially on our daughter and so I just should stay with him, but I should just go swimming and not tell him and lie if he asks. your mom is the very last person you should be listening to. She controlled her husband by threatening suicide and doing it in front of you! Her perspective of what a good husband is, is not a perspective to align with. So what that it will be hard on your daughter! It’s harder on her that you are staying. Watching her mother actually fight for a better life will help counter the hardness of divorce. Besides, your daughter might actually feel some relief when you guys leave. She might sleep better at night. She might feel better deep inside, even though her family is breaking. Do not underestimate her ability to handle things.

I suggest you find a therapist. Are you not worth the money? You DO NOT have the skillset, knowledge or understanding of yourself and situation to move through something like this alone. It’s like stepping into a fire, trying to be a fireman without any training. You are going to be dealing with a lot of fire, either direction you choose. Having an experienced and objective person to guide you is going to help you A LOT!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

These are great questions! Here are some things to think about as well

Money – one of the most important things to look for with their relationship with money is their spending habits….specifically – are they impulsive or not. Too much in either direction can tell you a lot about their subconscious thought patterns with money. Spending money on a whim on needless thing or even really big things OR being so frugal and tight – can really cause problems in a relationship. Money and communication are typically listed in the top 2 reasons why people get divorced, so these are categories to pay EXTRA special attention to.
Your 3rd question is also a great question for a reason I’m not sure you are aware of, but I just want to bring your attention to. You want to ask questions to see how much he is actually paying attention to the smaller intricacies about YOU. One way to know the level of his EQ is by seeing how much he actually is able to sense/see/understand you, beyond just what you tell him or express. Does he pay attention to your tone of voice, HOW you express things, your body language etc. So it’s a great question when you ask him things that he may or may not notice about YOU.

Family – questions to add:
– if his parents are still married – do you like their relationship? What about it? Or if divorced – how did you feel when they got divorced?
– I know it’s a strange question, but actually a very important one: do you LIKE your parents or siblings. Many people are in relationships with their family JUST BECAUSE they are family and they actually don’t like them as people.

Kids – do you want 1 or 2 kids is a question assuming that he doesn’t want 5. So just asking him “do you see yourself creating a family? How many kids?” Also, what is the lifestyle you imagine creating and having with your family? There are families that travel the world and educate their kids along the way (there is a famous travel family on youtube i believe doing a reality show about how to do it) or does he imagine a stay at home mom? Is having kids a dealbreaker for you? If yes, “tell me more about that. What is it about having children that is so important for you? What if you had the most amazing woman that you were in love with and you find out either you or her is not able to have kids?”

Career – A fun question I like to ask is “If you were a million dollars a year, for the rest of your life, how would you spend your day?”

These are all really great conversation starters. Hopefully, the guy asks you all of these questions in return.

One topic I ALWAYS ask about in the very beginning is more about his darker side. How you both treat each other in your worst moments, is what will make or break the success of your relationship. So I am asking questions like “What are you like when you are angry? When you are really hurt? Tell me about the worst heartbreak you have ever had. Tell me about a really embarrassing moment. What’s the worst thing you have done to someone else? WHat’s the worst thing you have done to yourself? What was your reputation in high school?” This line of questioning is sooooo so important, as it gives you a tiny sense into what you are stepping into.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

So let’s begin to formulate some questions with what you have created so far.

Come up with 3 questions each you can ask, to learn about these categories:
money
his family life
career
kids

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Yes, I can see why you are beating your head against the wall! Goodness…I don’t know how you do what you do! It feels entirely draining and exhausting, but somehow you are doing it!

Have you officially signed the contract? You have so much research to do right now! But it’s fun! Are you going to rent out your house in Canada while you’re gone? It’s for 1 year, correct?

I’m not surprised your youngest reacted the way he did. He sounds VERY attached to you and that he feels more secure/solid in his life when you are very present. This will be good for him to feel who he is without you there. It’s going to force him to grow up a little more. I’ve had a few mail issues as well and so have other people I know. My driver’s license was lost, my car registration is lost and I know 2 people whose passports got lost. I wonder what is happening with the mail system.

Heidi

[Author]

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