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therefore they ask dumb ones like where you’re originally from. Is this REALLY a dumb question? I ask this question all the time. I’m just being curious and it’s also an easy opening question to start a short conversation, so I’m not sure why it’s a dumb question for you. Please explain.
What difference does it make where i originally came from? I’m here because i love it here, and i’m never going back because i hated it there. I think that for many of us born here, we haven’t traveled much, if at all. So to have someone from another part of the world is interesting to us, because although we can’t go there, a person who has been there is right in front of us and it makes us curious. I know that is just 1 perspective and there are many other reasons why people ask, but you get to represent another part of the world that many of us have only seen on tv. Personally, I don’t feel cultured or worldly, so when someone from another culture crosses my path, I want to feel that energy, that mindset, that difference. Again…I know that’s just me, but I want to point you back to yourself. The level of reactions you are having is letting you know the intensity of the judgments, hurts, criticisms and angst you carry inside. You have strong stories about these people and it’s constantly shading your experience and even your view of yourself. A person can’t even ask a very innocent question of where you are originally from without your cackles starting to come up. Isn’t that exhausting for you? That’s an energy you are carrying around 24/7 and again…touches every part of your life. Imagine being free from all of those judgements, hurts etc. Imagine never getting irritated when someone is curious about where you come from. Imagine talking to that Indian woman again who wanted a “slave” for her family member and not even being bothered by her mindset and instead just honoring that she gets to live her life how she wants. All the energy you are using to source the stories you carry about these people is taking away from the total energy that you could put towards goodness. Imagine a big pool with crystal clear water that is your energy source. And then dump a big bucket of mud in it. This mud represents all the judgements/hurt/wounds/criticisms you carry – it changes your water…all of your water. It’s impossible for the mud to only impact a certain part of the water. I don’t know if this analogy better explains my thinking and my encouragement to look at the energy (mud) you carry around these 3 groups of people in particular. Part of what is contributing to your tiredness and depression and ups and downs, is this bucket of mud. Freeing yourself means you have more clear, clean energy sourcing you. Again, it’s not about inviting more of these people into your life or NOT continuing to block negative/draining energy a person shows up with. It’s PURELY about your own reactions/wounds (the mud) you still carry about these people. I know I’m poking again and you can absolutely say…case closed Heidi…I really don’t want to talk about this anymore! I will respect that.
but i’m not going to let anybody’s defintion of anything influence me anymore. i’m tired of valuing everyone else’s viewpoints and shelving my own all my life. I’ve given others way too much power, for way too long! I’m not suggesting for you to lose yourself. Life is just about exploring other perspectives. It doesn’t mean you have to join that perspective, it just means you are expanding your understanding of other ways to look at a topic. Some aspects of looking at the mother archetype might bring you more freedom or a deeper relationship with yourself as a mother, now that you are claiming yourself as a mother now. You have embraced a part of yourself that you have rejected for so long, so I’m just suggesting to continue to explore and see what else may open up for you. Or not. I totally forgot to attach the article…LOL. Oh well. You will explore it if it interests you.
See how messed up it gets, depending on the definition?! So, when someone asks me if I’m Indian, i have no clue what they’re asking me! I get it. I absolutely see your perspective and it’s spot on of you want to take it that deep. I do just want to say though, being that you are not going to have these kinds of conversations with strangers, it’s probably safe to say that they are just asking what your heritage is…which is Indian, so a simple answer would just be yes. Let’s go from another approach as well. If you think about it, a person is just reaching out and creating a simple connection with you. Most people are innocently just trying to connect and have a conversation. So let me ask you this…does it really matter that it’s a “stupid” question? What that moment is, at its very core, is an opportunity for you to shine your light onto someone. It’s a door opening for you to touch someone else with your goodness. Let’s go back to the rich Indian woman. That would have been a beautiful moment to share a tiny bit of connection with her by maybe saying something like, “Thank you for offering. It must be a lot to deal with right now having your family member need that kind of care.” Even if she outwardly doesn’t receive it or cuts off the conversation, you still provided a moment of empathy and connection and seeing something deeper in her – and you will have sent some kindness in her direction.
I completely understand how you are feeling and your reasoning for what you are doing. There is nothing wrong with your choices. There is no right or wrong here! It’s all about perspective. If making the “wrong” choice helps you grow into a strong, more resilient person, was it the “wrong” choice if it produced a result like that?? Choices make your life easier or harder and that’s about it. Every choice you make is in service to you, in some form or another. You may not know how that choice helped you for a while until things unfold a bit more, but eventually, if you are looking and aware and paying attention, you will ALWAYS discover ways that your choice was helping you.
I assume you are picking emotionally unavailable men because of a lack of deep connection and self-love. I am guessing you have co-dependent tendencies. Usually, co-dependents will match with narcissists because both people are about serving the narcissist…so it works as long as the co-dependent stays in their role. A co-dependent is someone who “meets the needs of others at the expense of their own.” Now, this is not inherently a bad thing as there are MANY times you will help someone out at the expense of yourself. It’s just about the internal balance. It’s also about having a bit of narcissism to: “Meeting the needs of yourself at the expense of another.” So having BOTH flavors in your life, being 100% comfortable with BOTH flavors and knowing how to keep that balance within yourself…that’s the key.
So Realistically how could I give that up to start at the bottom again where I may not get back up from. My rational mind sees this but I pray my emotion mind cooperates There is another perspective you could choose. Why is it starting back at the bottom? Your perspective is sooooo tiny. You are only looking at whether you have a man or not, when there is sooooo much more to look at…most importantly, what you have gained and learned and embraced about yourself. If you decide to break up, you didn’t wait another 18 years to do it! That’s progress! If you break up, it’s choosing yourself over an unhealthy connection – That’s progress! If you break up, you are making a clear statement, to yourself, that you are not going to be with a man who is emotionally unavailable anymore. That’s NOT starting back at the bottom again. It just means you are single which is NOT the bottom of anything. What’s so bad about being single anyways? Being single is so incredibly fun and interesting and if you are not comfortable being alone, then maybe it’s good for you to put yourself into that space and really get to know and love yourself from the depths of your cells. THAT is where you will find empowerment, strength and be attracted to a much more healthy person, as you will be able to be a much better partner.
You are stronger and more resilient than you give yourself credit for. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, you will cry. Yes, it will be hard. AND you will be okay. AND you will heal. AND you will learn and grow. AND you will get back up and re-create again. AND you have a whole world to create all over again in a much more healthy way.
Heidi
There is also NO INTEREST, in trying to understand WHY i see things differently. Their eyes glaze over, and they just want to talk about what THEY see. I totally get it! I experience that from all the very rich, white people that I am surrounded by and even some of my clients have treated me that way, especially when it comes to political views. The city I live in is VERY liberal, rich and white. They react the same exact way…both men and women. So I totally get what you are saying. My goal however, is to let every bit of that energy go with each person so that the next rich, white person doesn’t have me placing my own baggage from the last person onto them. My goal is to always give each and every person a clean slate. I am far from perfect at it, but I keep working on it. It’s especially tricky when it comes to love…for everyone. Love is just a whole different level.
I can feel the shift in you. The way you are talking, the excitement you are expressing and the energy you are embracing is so incredibly powerful! I know what it means for you to actually be able to embrace being a mother! The freedom that you get to feel from the judgment you have been carrying around about it, is sooooooo freakin incredible! I can’t tell you how happy I am for you. This is such a HUGE deal!!! I have no doubt that when your daughter was asking if you were her mother when she was younger…that she was feeling something from you that she couldn’t explain. You couldn’t connect to being her mother and she felt that somehow. And now that you have shifted, you are available to bond with them energetically in a very primal way, that you have never been able to do anymore. That is going to impact them in such a HUGE way! I’m truly am excited for you!!!!
The rage that reared up in me was so intense that i was afraid i’d say something that would make her disintegrate! I couldn’t help her anymore. I am very exclusive to my kids. lol 🙂 Maybe next, if you feel like, you can explore the archetype of mother. Here is an article about the mother Archetype from a Jungian perspective. Not sure if it will resonate with you, but there are a ton of other things to explore if you just type in mother archetype.
I really have a HUGE smile on my face right now!!!
Heidi
Okay! There is some movement! This is exciting! Do you really not work on Saturdays for religious reasons? Is that your church day or something? Or is that your way of protecting yourself to always have a day off?
It’s going to feel sooooo good to turn in your resignation!!! You definitely need to celebrate! I’m excited for this new adventure and I hope that this dream job will source you and light you up inside!
Jeop came specifically to see you? How fun! Was there chemistry?
I know my mom, when I was younger, was always really surprised by things I would say that would indicate I was very attached to her. I was barely reachable and available to her, so she always just gave me space and waited for me to reach out to her. I was a very inside kind of person, but with my mom, I shared the most. For her, it felt like I was barely sharing, but for me, I was sharing my world. I have a hunch that Trav is a bit similar, but I could be wrong. Either way, it will be hard for him when you leave. There is a bond between mom and son that is like no other. With you going so far away, he will feel it change.
Heidi
Hi Madea,
What an interesting story! Thank you for sharing.
I just wonder I’ve I’m being blind here. Just the fact that you are asking this question means you already know the answer and you don’t like what it is. You are hoping I will tell you something different so you can continue down this path.
Whatever is happening for him, whether he is on the spectrum or extremely wounded, it’s going to be incredibly difficult to build something with this guy. His fear is SO BIG and it’s more important that he honors that instead of honoring his connection with you. So let’s go down the road a little more. Let’s say he finally gets over his fear and stops disappearing and you guys make it to the next level. And then you say something that is similar to his ex and it freaks him out and he disappears again. Or let’s say something stressful happens with yours or his kids and his fear comes up again and he freaks out…and then he disappears again. My point is, he has a relationship with fear, where when it shows up and is big enough, he runs away. That will be true about ANY situation that has to do with you. Is that how you want to live your life?
Of course you have contributed to all of this too, as it’s never one-sided. So let’s look at your side of things. What’s happening for you? How are you sabotaging? What do you know and understand about yourself and why you sabotage?
Heidi
covert narcissist? That’s interesting. Why does this coach think that? What are the signs? How you explain this guy doesn’t match that, but I obviously don’t have all the information. He just sounds like a normal wounded guy, that’s all. But I could be wrong.
did i mess up completely? What were you hoping to accomplish? Why do you think you messed up? Is that not true what you said? Or did you send that to hopefully trigger something in him to want to fight for you?
Heidi
Strange…I posted a response, but I have no clue where it went, so I’ll try to replicate it as best as I can:
I feel like i have said something similar before so i’ll stop. i’m tired of explaining myself to you. I have the right, just as anybody else, to have a preference for the kind of people i fill my life with. i am NOT OPEN to people who impoverish me. We are missing each other here, so let me see if I can say it differently. This platform is so incredibly difficult to talk about such dynamic topics, isn’t it? I’m not suggesting that you invite more people into your life. I’m not suggesting that you change your preferences, as your preferences are SPOT ON! You absolutely do not want to invite anyone into your life who drains you. All I am inviting you into is exploring the energy/stories/judgments/thoughts/beliefs/criticisms you have towards these 3 groups in particular. This is about YOU and no one else. It’s an energy that will limit you in every aspect of your life. It’s an energy that is a “sore” in your mouth that will impact every thought, feeling, program, belief that you have. You don’t feel it of course…none of us do, because we are so used to carrying the stories we carry. My intent is to just be reflective and as objective as possible. If you don’t feel like you want to look and explore what I am reflecting back to you about this energy, that’s totally okay! It’s not your thing right now and I absolutely can honor that. I just wanted to hopefully make it more clear about what I am suggesting as it’s different than what you are thinking it is. We can table this of course, as I understand how exhausting this can be.
There are many, many, many other reasons why i value his friendship, and each of those reasons are unique, and i have never experienced them before in any other relationship. So, i have to see how far it goes. I’m glad i went off on a tangent with FM because it has renewed my commitment to JB! Fair enough. You know what you want and this is what you want to experience right now. I will stop poking holes in your thought process and am happy to support you in this direction.
So that means i’ve closed my door to EVERYONE in the world, except three. It’s not just women or Indians or Ethiopians. It’s EVERYONE, except three. Okay. Got it.
Well. that’s my most recent experience with a woman who wants to help others with her life story like i do. She was starting to stress me out in subtle ways that i couldn’t pinpoint. Her desire to help me was genuine and her interest in me was also genuine. But there was something unsettling that i wasn’t able to figure out. i think she wanted more than what i was willing to give, but i wasn’t sure what it was that she wanted. Anyway. I’m glad it’s over! I love how you handled this! You were poking holes in her beliefs and sharing a different experience and she just was not interested in believing anything other than what she believes. I love how you graciously stood up for yourself and requested that she be respectful, regardless of her beliefs and you allowed yourself to exist in the situation instead of being tolerant. Well done! She served a great purpose for you by giving you this chance to use your voice in this way. That must have made you feel good!
Heidi
The weather kinda sucks! That’s a bummer! Is there anywhere else that you can go with better conditions? Either way, LOVING the job you have will make how you experience your day soooooo much better, right? I don’t know if you have ever LOVED any job that you have had….have you? If yes, when was the last time you loved your job?
Jeop sounds like a really good resource. Do you know why he got divorced? Probably not. It’s not really a discussion to have at a table full of guys.
Did you get the contract? It’s Wednesday and you said Monday, so did it come through? Or maybe you meant next week.
Trav is more attached to you than you think. He can be very independent but be attached to you (in his mind/heart) and you would never know. You are a pillar for him. You are solid, dependable, predictable and loving to him ALWAYS…even in his mess. And now you are leaving and are not available in the same way. You helped him feel a more solid sense of himself (whether he is aware of it or not) so he could be independent. You don’t give yourself enough credit as his mother.
Heidi
Hi Tanisha!
Welcome! What is happening for you? Would you mind sharing a bit about your situation or pattern? We are happy to shed some light on your situation or answer any questions.
I’m wondering if you are referring to a book that was promoted through us and was not authored by James. Do you remember the title? Or anything about it?
Heidi
Hello there!
Welcome! This is a really tough situation. It’s always really difficult when you create a FWB situation and then end up falling for them. It’s quite painful actually. Unrequited love is very difficult to accept and deal with.
How is he still involved with his ex? How well do you know this guy? What’s the FWB design? Do you just sleep together or do you actually have a real friendship and you guys go out and do things together? Do you text a lot? Do you guys share thoughts with each other? Do you guys talk really well together?
Heidi
I don’t care that you misspelled my name. I don’t know if you ever paid attention, but there is an edit button you can click on after you post your message, so you can go back and fix how you spell my name next time…LOL!
That’s so interesting about your dog’s mouth. I bet you are right that it’s probably from how she was or was not weaned properly and it’s showing up in her mouth. I know for humans, our teeth are mostly reflective of our gut. I wonder if it is the same for dogs. I found this lady that all she does is dog nutrition. It’s quite unusual, but her approach to nutrition has helped heal hundreds of incurable cases and turned things around for people’s pets. Here is her website so you can explore her approach. I just came across her recently and am slowly reading through her book so I personally cannot attest to anything yet. https://rotationalmonofeeding.com/
I ended up going rock climbing this last weekend. Holy smokes!!! It was soooo hard and so fun! It was an indoor gym kind of thing and it’s been at least 20 years since I was on a wall. My friend begged me to go with him and I’m so glad I eventually said yes. LOL. I’m having trouble massaging my dog because my forearms are soooo sore, but it’s good for me to do something different. I have some friends who did the whole murder mystery dinner thing and they loved it!! There is place here in Boulder where there are rooms you go into and you can’t come out until you solve the puzzle or scenario you are presented with. I think these kinds of activities are so great for groups of people! It’s bonding for sure!
So you are experimenting with Brioche?? How fun! I love the 1 new recipe per week kind of thing. Are you sharing or keeping it all to yourself??
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more of your story. I’m glad you know him better than I originally thought. I still want to suggest to slow down. I’m glad you have seen him under some stress and that he still treated you well. Have you guys ever had an argument in person? Have you ever hurt him? Have you ever confronted him about something that he is doing that isn’t okay for you? There is soooooooo much to learn about someone. On average, it takes about a year (in person) to get to know the REAL person and what lives behind the initial presentation. In the beginning, it’s normal and easy to hide parts of yourself, so again…really slow down and give this relationship some time to build. Would you consider just taking a step back and suggesting that you guys just keep getting to know each other and in maybe a year, you can move somewhere else? You are investing EVERYTHING you have…your money, your time, your heart, your entire life into a guy that you don’t know very well. Would you be okay to go through all of this and then having the relationship end after you moved your entire life somewhere to be with him? It’s one thing if this is something you already wanted to do and it’s in your heart to explore other places to live and create a different life. But if that is not in your heart and you are doing this FOR HIM…I ask for you to just slow down and reconsider what you are doing. It’s not okay for you to completely lose yourself in order to meet HIS requirements. That is a betrayal of your self and that will always bring chaos to a relationship down the road.
if you don’t earn this much money and live in the same city as me I understand his needs. I imagine he doesn’t want you to be dependent on him. Living in the U.S. is a very different mindset and he doesn’t have a true understanding about what you are going through and what it’s like for you where you live. So again…maybe just slow down and you guys agree to just date for another year while you both figure some things out. During that year, you explore your options, you can save money, you can maybe get a 2nd or 3rd job…who knows.
I just want to feel that we’re in this together, that’s not just my responsibility What exactly does this mean for you? What does he need to do or say that would make you feel like you were in this together? It sounds like he is very clear on what he needs from you. He needs you to make more money and he needs you to live somewhere that he is willing to live and work. So that part IS all on you. He cannot help you with those things. So what do you want from him EXACTLY?
Heidi
Good job for really embracing yourself and facing your fears/wounds!!! It takes time, so be patient with yourself. I love that you have been getting out and about and being more playful in your life. Do you have a dog? That may be something to consider. Being single, a dog is a WONDERFUL place for you to send your beautiful love to and have it returned unconditionally and consistently.
I really want you to embrace that regardless of your wounds and the neediness that showed up, HE was part of this design too. He has his own issues and just developed a different attachment style that is more avoidant. Have you looked into attachment styles? Have you looked into love languages? These are some fun ways to understand yourself and the differences between you and your partner. The goal is to help you realize that he contributed just as much as you did to the ending of this relationship. Even though it’s not what you wanted, he DID contribute to your “neediness” by not being very emotionally available. That’s an instant trigger for anyone with abandonment issues. He has a lot of work to do on himself too. So it just boils down to you guys not being a the best match for each other RIGHT NOW. Whose to say that when you develop more inner strength and self-esteem and when he does the same, you guys might come back together. For now…keep your eyes on yourself. Here are a few books you may resonate with…they are books about empowering yourself and connecting more deeply to yourself. When you do that…the neediness starts to go away because you become your own source of love and connection instead of relying on a guy who is emotionally unavailable. https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
Heidi
Hi Kristina,
Wow girl! Give yourself a break here. Have some compassion for yourself. He was nicer to you than you are being towards yourself. I understand your frustration of feeling like you are back to square one, but I think it was a great interaction! He got to say a few things, you got to say a few things and he basically said he respects you as a person….one of THE MOST IMPORTANT components in a relationship. He isn’t supposed to do “co-dependent” relationships well…nobody is. AND he also is terrified of really being seen as a person. So from my point of view, you BOTH have some inner work to do, but there is still a really nice connection between you guys.
I mean think about it…you were balling your eyes out and he was holding you! He accepted and embraced you and very gracefully created space for you to lose it. That’s beautiful! What a healing thing for you to experience! And in that “losing it” you were able to apologize and own your “needy” behavior. That’s great! Now he knows your strength in being able to own your own shit and still be friends even though it didn’t work out this time. You brought out his vulnerability as well, which is important for him to feel.
I don’t think all is lost at all! I think that if you really started to work on developing your inner strength, your self-esteem there is potential there…and if not with him, then definitely another guy! A woman who knows how to hold herself strongly and confidently is VERY ATTRACTIVE to the kind of man that is worth investing in. So let’s talk about this a little bit. What’s going on with you and the “needy/clingy” side of you? Do you understand what is happening for you and why this comes out in you?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Wow! Well, I have to say this is quite unusual. Of course you are frustrated!
How long have you been neighbors and doing the just friends thing with him?
It’s a pretty big red flag. I understand his logic, but if you look at his patterns in his life, he is not a guy who goes very deep and his pattern is constantly sabotaging intimacy. The thing is, he is not REALLY facing his patterns…he is just creating another way to keep you distant. I understand that he believes he is doing something he has never done before by being friends with you, but let’s look a little deeper into that. He is TERRIFIED! The way he is looking at this is trying to make a “forever” decision and that simply is not realistic. There are NO GUARANTEES when it comes to love. Things can end in a split second at any time – even after 30 years together. So he is trying to create some level of a guarantee because he is terrified of the ending that “could” be there. So he is trying to deal with his fear by being seeing how the friendship works out. It’s a wise choice however, it’s being driven by a lot of fear, which can really muck up the intent and just create another problem.
What’s his history? Do you know why he only dated superficially? Do you know what was always stopping him from going deeper?
I would say something to him about how you are feeling. This is a co-creation, so that means that it’s important for you to express how you are feeling as well. It sounds like you were okay with it for awhile, but now you are losing patience. I would also invite you into looking at that within yourself as well. You keep going back to a man who has been emotionally unavailable for 4 years. What is happening for YOU that you would keep allowing that back into your life? Have you considered that this “friend” zone might be pushing your own levels of intimacy that you are used to? You already know that the sexual chemistry is there, but the friendship side of things was lacking…you participated in that design many different times over the years, so there is a level of comfort you have with that…and now he is requiring more intimacy – which could trigger a level of discomfort within you – maybe it’s too intimate for what you are used to? or that you feel you deserve? I’m just throwing out ideas here – I’m curious if you have explored your own reaction to this.
Heidi
