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no matter how much therapy I’ve been through. It’s just a part of me Do you see this statement you just made? It’s a story that is running in system that you are believing is true and it’s a lie. It’s no “just part of you.” I don’t care how many therapists you have been to, you don’t stop until you transform this. Maybe the therapists you have been to, were not the most effective for you. Have you ever tried EMDR? I have been to MANY different therapists, healers, coaches etc. over the past 30 years and I will never stop. You will get sooooooo much further in your healing when you find someone who is a good support for you. Issues like what you are dealing with run VERY deep, so having someone take you into the depths and help you re-design core beliefs is crucial! I’m happy to refer you to my Coach. She is INCREDIBLE! I’ve been with her for 20 years and she still never ceases to amaze me. Just let me know and I’ll send a private message to your email with her contact information.
there’s a remote possibility of anything more, maybe I can try to find my voice, maybe I can push past the need to run. This is where the deeper work comes in. It’s not necessarily about “pushing” past the need to run. When you have done the deeper healing work, there is no pushing past anything – you just are present with yourself. It’s easy and effortless to use your voice. Yes, in the meantime as we all “re-program” we have to face our fears and do things we are uncomfortable with, but ultimately, using your voice will be easy and staying in a healthy situation will be easy. Your voice matters and is sooooooo important!!!!
Here is a book that may help. https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
You can also go to https://www.hayhouse.com/ and it’s a plethora of books, courses, programs that is a great resource!
Heidi
I don’t know. When I’m spewing ‘wisdom’ i’ve had one of my aunt’s say that i sound like my Dad. Other than that, i’ve never had anyone say i do or say anything that resembles anyone from my family. And i’ve never ever had anyone tell me i’m behaving like an Indian (either in a positive or a negative way). You should check out the book I posted. In there, he teaches you how to identify generational thinking vs. attachment thinking (whatever gets attached in the first 2 years of life). He also teaches you how to clear them. It might be an interesting study of yourself and your kids.
Why should i disrespect myself that way again? To me, to work on clearing those judgments is the same as being disrespectful to me. I see benefits to THEM and none to me. So – no – not only do i not see any value in clearing my judgements, i also see it as a slap in my own face — valuing them more than myself and my feelings. I know I’m persistent…LOL. I can also be respectful and honoring so again…just simply say “I don’t want to talk about this anymore” and I will respect that. I’m wondering why you would consider it disrespectful to yourself if you clear those judgments. When you clear the energy of all the wounds, you are only honoring yourself! Again, it doesn’t mean you allow those people into your life, it just means you are releasing negative, critical, judgmental energy within yourself caused by those who actually harmed you…which only serves you. It means you let go of more baggage…how is that being dishonoring to you? How is healing the hurt you are holding onto, dishonoring to you?
i’m trying to keep my distance from him and not write to him unless i have something REALLY, REALLY, REAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLY important to tell him How come you are keeping your distance??
Heidi
Wow! What a story about your grandfather. Is he still alive? Do/did you like him?
What other feeling/beliefs do you think you inherited through your DNA from your parents? These are things they would never have taught you. Things that are just in you and think they are not yours. What about your kids too? What have they inherited from you and their dad that might be ancestral stuff?
The thing that i need to work on reveals itself to me in how much it affects my emotions and thoughts and feelings. My relationship to Indians&Ethiopians, doesn’t stir up ANYTHING in me. That’s how i know, i don’t need to work on it right now. I understand completely. There is always so much to work on, so following what lights up inside of you is the best way to be guided as to what is ready to be released. I’m curious, if I told you that if you cleared the judgments about Indians, Ethiopians and women, your depressive episodes would be much less and you will feel much lighter and much more emotionally free in ALL areas of your life, would you still not do anything about it right now? If clearing these judgments were a HUGE key to your emotional freedom and happiness, would you still think nothing of it?
How are things going with JB?
Heidi
Hi Heidi!
Great question! I love that you are here and sharing your story. You are a curious person, so stay that way! It will help you so much more throughout your life.
The answer is simple, but far from simple. LOL. The answer is yes and no. NO in the sense that if neither of you do the deeper, internal work to heal the hurt and the baggage you carry about love and intimacy, you guys will hit a wall and not go any further. Whether he hits your wall first or you hit his…who knows. YES in the sense that each person that comes into our lives, we grow in some sort of way. Every person is an opportunity to learn about ourselves, even if things don’t work out. So you guys will grow and learn from each other as long as you both keep choosing to experience each other. Considering the baggage you both carry and the fear that is still there, you guys won’t get very far though. It doesn’t matter how slow you go, the walls are there regardless and you will eventually hit them. It could be 6 months or it could be 5 years. Who knows.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Here’s an example of the difficulty caused by the question “Are You Indian” or “where are you from?” btw – it’s ‘dumb’ to ME because i cannot answer it when a clean answer. The question itself, is innocent and a curious question, and i’ve asked similar questions too. I try to connect it to something other than appearance though – usually their name – so i’d say – i haven’t heard that name before, what are it’s origins? Or – that sounds like an Irish name! IS it? I don’t really see the difference between these questions. Asking where you are from is because of your appearance. Asking through a different connection, like a name, is exactly the same thing. That can be a “dumb” question too. A name comes from soooo many different places and could have nothing to do with the country of where they are actually from. I have changed my name legally 3x times now. When someone asks me about my name, and they have, it’s not necessarily a clear answer for me because there is a looooong story to how I arrived where I am at and is far from a simple answer. There are other questions like that when I get asked certain medical questions that I am always confused on how to answer, because it isn’t a simple yes or no…but for 99% of the population, it probably is a simple yes or no answer. So I understand your thought process. The thing is, it’s more about YOUR relationship with the question than the question itself. When I do work with people to help clear out the “mud,” I start with targets. These are the things in their life that generate a reaction of any kind. I use the SUD scale (subjective units of distress scale) and have them rate their reaction to a situation on a scale of 0-10. 0 is neutral/no negative reaction at all, which is where you want to be – 10 being incredibly triggering. So when people ask you where you are from, you are not at 0. That question could be a target that could lead you to the core thoughts/beliefs/programs that are influencing all the reactions you have towards Indians and Ethiopians. But since my source of water is God, and he’s limitless, the Waters eventually dilute and wash my mud away, as long as i keep releasing it all to him. So do you feel you are releasing all of this to God? I personally feel it’s my responsibility to actively work with my judgments and clear them so that I am as clean as I possibly can be. The cleaner I am, the more loving and connective I am and the more honoring I am of myself and every person that crosses my path. It sounds like you are just waiting for God to clear this one for you. Is this your approach? Because you are quite active in working with yourself directly in other areas of your life. Why not this category? I’m not pushing you btw. I truly am just being curious and trying to understand your mindset…that’s all.
I know i’ve been shaped by all of my experiences, including my heritage, but it’s not a part of me. You actually might be surprised how much your heritage is part of you. It’s even been proven scientifically that up to 3 generations live in our genes and that many of our emotions, thoughts and feeling in our lives are not actually from our own lives, but the lives of our ancestors. A quick story is about a girl who was cutting herself so deeply, that she would almost bleed out every time. The Pyschologist that ended up working with her saw that there was one slight difference between her and the other cutters he was used to working with…the depth at which she would cut. Through talking, he learned that her paternal grandmother was drunk driving with her grandfather in the passenger side. She hit a telephone pole and he went flying through the windshield and the glass cut him so deeply, he bled to death. In just a few sessions of working with the young girl and the father’s feeling about this, the young girl never cut again. Basically this young girl released these feelings she was carrying in her (of her grandmother “I don’t deserve to live”) that was passed to her through her father’s semen. Science is discovering that when trauma happens, in very simple terms, it changes the DNA. It’s fascinating actually. Here is a book if you feel like you want to explore this a little further. My point being, we ALL are influenced by where our parents and grandparents came from what they experienced combined with our own attachment traumas that occur most between the ages of birth to 2 years old. This book is great because it helps you identify the difference and offers you different ways to help yourself release what isn’t yours. https://markwolynn.com/it-didnt-start-with-you/
I haven’t attached the article about the mother archetype because it just didn’t seem like you were that interested. You are someone who will explore it on your own if you are inspired to…so I just trust you will do it if you feel like exploring your definition/relationship with being a mother more deeply.
Heidi
therefore they ask dumb ones like where you’re originally from. Is this REALLY a dumb question? I ask this question all the time. I’m just being curious and it’s also an easy opening question to start a short conversation, so I’m not sure why it’s a dumb question for you. Please explain.
What difference does it make where i originally came from? I’m here because i love it here, and i’m never going back because i hated it there. I think that for many of us born here, we haven’t traveled much, if at all. So to have someone from another part of the world is interesting to us, because although we can’t go there, a person who has been there is right in front of us and it makes us curious. I know that is just 1 perspective and there are many other reasons why people ask, but you get to represent another part of the world that many of us have only seen on tv. Personally, I don’t feel cultured or worldly, so when someone from another culture crosses my path, I want to feel that energy, that mindset, that difference. Again…I know that’s just me, but I want to point you back to yourself. The level of reactions you are having is letting you know the intensity of the judgments, hurts, criticisms and angst you carry inside. You have strong stories about these people and it’s constantly shading your experience and even your view of yourself. A person can’t even ask a very innocent question of where you are originally from without your cackles starting to come up. Isn’t that exhausting for you? That’s an energy you are carrying around 24/7 and again…touches every part of your life. Imagine being free from all of those judgements, hurts etc. Imagine never getting irritated when someone is curious about where you come from. Imagine talking to that Indian woman again who wanted a “slave” for her family member and not even being bothered by her mindset and instead just honoring that she gets to live her life how she wants. All the energy you are using to source the stories you carry about these people is taking away from the total energy that you could put towards goodness. Imagine a big pool with crystal clear water that is your energy source. And then dump a big bucket of mud in it. This mud represents all the judgements/hurt/wounds/criticisms you carry – it changes your water…all of your water. It’s impossible for the mud to only impact a certain part of the water. I don’t know if this analogy better explains my thinking and my encouragement to look at the energy (mud) you carry around these 3 groups of people in particular. Part of what is contributing to your tiredness and depression and ups and downs, is this bucket of mud. Freeing yourself means you have more clear, clean energy sourcing you. Again, it’s not about inviting more of these people into your life or NOT continuing to block negative/draining energy a person shows up with. It’s PURELY about your own reactions/wounds (the mud) you still carry about these people. I know I’m poking again and you can absolutely say…case closed Heidi…I really don’t want to talk about this anymore! I will respect that.
but i’m not going to let anybody’s defintion of anything influence me anymore. i’m tired of valuing everyone else’s viewpoints and shelving my own all my life. I’ve given others way too much power, for way too long! I’m not suggesting for you to lose yourself. Life is just about exploring other perspectives. It doesn’t mean you have to join that perspective, it just means you are expanding your understanding of other ways to look at a topic. Some aspects of looking at the mother archetype might bring you more freedom or a deeper relationship with yourself as a mother, now that you are claiming yourself as a mother now. You have embraced a part of yourself that you have rejected for so long, so I’m just suggesting to continue to explore and see what else may open up for you. Or not. I totally forgot to attach the article…LOL. Oh well. You will explore it if it interests you.
See how messed up it gets, depending on the definition?! So, when someone asks me if I’m Indian, i have no clue what they’re asking me! I get it. I absolutely see your perspective and it’s spot on of you want to take it that deep. I do just want to say though, being that you are not going to have these kinds of conversations with strangers, it’s probably safe to say that they are just asking what your heritage is…which is Indian, so a simple answer would just be yes. Let’s go from another approach as well. If you think about it, a person is just reaching out and creating a simple connection with you. Most people are innocently just trying to connect and have a conversation. So let me ask you this…does it really matter that it’s a “stupid” question? What that moment is, at its very core, is an opportunity for you to shine your light onto someone. It’s a door opening for you to touch someone else with your goodness. Let’s go back to the rich Indian woman. That would have been a beautiful moment to share a tiny bit of connection with her by maybe saying something like, “Thank you for offering. It must be a lot to deal with right now having your family member need that kind of care.” Even if she outwardly doesn’t receive it or cuts off the conversation, you still provided a moment of empathy and connection and seeing something deeper in her – and you will have sent some kindness in her direction.
I completely understand how you are feeling and your reasoning for what you are doing. There is nothing wrong with your choices. There is no right or wrong here! It’s all about perspective. If making the “wrong” choice helps you grow into a strong, more resilient person, was it the “wrong” choice if it produced a result like that?? Choices make your life easier or harder and that’s about it. Every choice you make is in service to you, in some form or another. You may not know how that choice helped you for a while until things unfold a bit more, but eventually, if you are looking and aware and paying attention, you will ALWAYS discover ways that your choice was helping you.
I assume you are picking emotionally unavailable men because of a lack of deep connection and self-love. I am guessing you have co-dependent tendencies. Usually, co-dependents will match with narcissists because both people are about serving the narcissist…so it works as long as the co-dependent stays in their role. A co-dependent is someone who “meets the needs of others at the expense of their own.” Now, this is not inherently a bad thing as there are MANY times you will help someone out at the expense of yourself. It’s just about the internal balance. It’s also about having a bit of narcissism to: “Meeting the needs of yourself at the expense of another.” So having BOTH flavors in your life, being 100% comfortable with BOTH flavors and knowing how to keep that balance within yourself…that’s the key.
So Realistically how could I give that up to start at the bottom again where I may not get back up from. My rational mind sees this but I pray my emotion mind cooperates There is another perspective you could choose. Why is it starting back at the bottom? Your perspective is sooooo tiny. You are only looking at whether you have a man or not, when there is sooooo much more to look at…most importantly, what you have gained and learned and embraced about yourself. If you decide to break up, you didn’t wait another 18 years to do it! That’s progress! If you break up, it’s choosing yourself over an unhealthy connection – That’s progress! If you break up, you are making a clear statement, to yourself, that you are not going to be with a man who is emotionally unavailable anymore. That’s NOT starting back at the bottom again. It just means you are single which is NOT the bottom of anything. What’s so bad about being single anyways? Being single is so incredibly fun and interesting and if you are not comfortable being alone, then maybe it’s good for you to put yourself into that space and really get to know and love yourself from the depths of your cells. THAT is where you will find empowerment, strength and be attracted to a much more healthy person, as you will be able to be a much better partner.
You are stronger and more resilient than you give yourself credit for. Yes, it will hurt. Yes, you will cry. Yes, it will be hard. AND you will be okay. AND you will heal. AND you will learn and grow. AND you will get back up and re-create again. AND you have a whole world to create all over again in a much more healthy way.
Heidi
There is also NO INTEREST, in trying to understand WHY i see things differently. Their eyes glaze over, and they just want to talk about what THEY see. I totally get it! I experience that from all the very rich, white people that I am surrounded by and even some of my clients have treated me that way, especially when it comes to political views. The city I live in is VERY liberal, rich and white. They react the same exact way…both men and women. So I totally get what you are saying. My goal however, is to let every bit of that energy go with each person so that the next rich, white person doesn’t have me placing my own baggage from the last person onto them. My goal is to always give each and every person a clean slate. I am far from perfect at it, but I keep working on it. It’s especially tricky when it comes to love…for everyone. Love is just a whole different level.
I can feel the shift in you. The way you are talking, the excitement you are expressing and the energy you are embracing is so incredibly powerful! I know what it means for you to actually be able to embrace being a mother! The freedom that you get to feel from the judgment you have been carrying around about it, is sooooooo freakin incredible! I can’t tell you how happy I am for you. This is such a HUGE deal!!! I have no doubt that when your daughter was asking if you were her mother when she was younger…that she was feeling something from you that she couldn’t explain. You couldn’t connect to being her mother and she felt that somehow. And now that you have shifted, you are available to bond with them energetically in a very primal way, that you have never been able to do anymore. That is going to impact them in such a HUGE way! I’m truly am excited for you!!!!
The rage that reared up in me was so intense that i was afraid i’d say something that would make her disintegrate! I couldn’t help her anymore. I am very exclusive to my kids. lol 🙂 Maybe next, if you feel like, you can explore the archetype of mother. Here is an article about the mother Archetype from a Jungian perspective. Not sure if it will resonate with you, but there are a ton of other things to explore if you just type in mother archetype.
I really have a HUGE smile on my face right now!!!
Heidi
Okay! There is some movement! This is exciting! Do you really not work on Saturdays for religious reasons? Is that your church day or something? Or is that your way of protecting yourself to always have a day off?
It’s going to feel sooooo good to turn in your resignation!!! You definitely need to celebrate! I’m excited for this new adventure and I hope that this dream job will source you and light you up inside!
Jeop came specifically to see you? How fun! Was there chemistry?
I know my mom, when I was younger, was always really surprised by things I would say that would indicate I was very attached to her. I was barely reachable and available to her, so she always just gave me space and waited for me to reach out to her. I was a very inside kind of person, but with my mom, I shared the most. For her, it felt like I was barely sharing, but for me, I was sharing my world. I have a hunch that Trav is a bit similar, but I could be wrong. Either way, it will be hard for him when you leave. There is a bond between mom and son that is like no other. With you going so far away, he will feel it change.
Heidi
Hi Madea,
What an interesting story! Thank you for sharing.
I just wonder I’ve I’m being blind here. Just the fact that you are asking this question means you already know the answer and you don’t like what it is. You are hoping I will tell you something different so you can continue down this path.
Whatever is happening for him, whether he is on the spectrum or extremely wounded, it’s going to be incredibly difficult to build something with this guy. His fear is SO BIG and it’s more important that he honors that instead of honoring his connection with you. So let’s go down the road a little more. Let’s say he finally gets over his fear and stops disappearing and you guys make it to the next level. And then you say something that is similar to his ex and it freaks him out and he disappears again. Or let’s say something stressful happens with yours or his kids and his fear comes up again and he freaks out…and then he disappears again. My point is, he has a relationship with fear, where when it shows up and is big enough, he runs away. That will be true about ANY situation that has to do with you. Is that how you want to live your life?
Of course you have contributed to all of this too, as it’s never one-sided. So let’s look at your side of things. What’s happening for you? How are you sabotaging? What do you know and understand about yourself and why you sabotage?
Heidi
covert narcissist? That’s interesting. Why does this coach think that? What are the signs? How you explain this guy doesn’t match that, but I obviously don’t have all the information. He just sounds like a normal wounded guy, that’s all. But I could be wrong.
did i mess up completely? What were you hoping to accomplish? Why do you think you messed up? Is that not true what you said? Or did you send that to hopefully trigger something in him to want to fight for you?
Heidi
Strange…I posted a response, but I have no clue where it went, so I’ll try to replicate it as best as I can:
I feel like i have said something similar before so i’ll stop. i’m tired of explaining myself to you. I have the right, just as anybody else, to have a preference for the kind of people i fill my life with. i am NOT OPEN to people who impoverish me. We are missing each other here, so let me see if I can say it differently. This platform is so incredibly difficult to talk about such dynamic topics, isn’t it? I’m not suggesting that you invite more people into your life. I’m not suggesting that you change your preferences, as your preferences are SPOT ON! You absolutely do not want to invite anyone into your life who drains you. All I am inviting you into is exploring the energy/stories/judgments/thoughts/beliefs/criticisms you have towards these 3 groups in particular. This is about YOU and no one else. It’s an energy that will limit you in every aspect of your life. It’s an energy that is a “sore” in your mouth that will impact every thought, feeling, program, belief that you have. You don’t feel it of course…none of us do, because we are so used to carrying the stories we carry. My intent is to just be reflective and as objective as possible. If you don’t feel like you want to look and explore what I am reflecting back to you about this energy, that’s totally okay! It’s not your thing right now and I absolutely can honor that. I just wanted to hopefully make it more clear about what I am suggesting as it’s different than what you are thinking it is. We can table this of course, as I understand how exhausting this can be.
There are many, many, many other reasons why i value his friendship, and each of those reasons are unique, and i have never experienced them before in any other relationship. So, i have to see how far it goes. I’m glad i went off on a tangent with FM because it has renewed my commitment to JB! Fair enough. You know what you want and this is what you want to experience right now. I will stop poking holes in your thought process and am happy to support you in this direction.
So that means i’ve closed my door to EVERYONE in the world, except three. It’s not just women or Indians or Ethiopians. It’s EVERYONE, except three. Okay. Got it.
Well. that’s my most recent experience with a woman who wants to help others with her life story like i do. She was starting to stress me out in subtle ways that i couldn’t pinpoint. Her desire to help me was genuine and her interest in me was also genuine. But there was something unsettling that i wasn’t able to figure out. i think she wanted more than what i was willing to give, but i wasn’t sure what it was that she wanted. Anyway. I’m glad it’s over! I love how you handled this! You were poking holes in her beliefs and sharing a different experience and she just was not interested in believing anything other than what she believes. I love how you graciously stood up for yourself and requested that she be respectful, regardless of her beliefs and you allowed yourself to exist in the situation instead of being tolerant. Well done! She served a great purpose for you by giving you this chance to use your voice in this way. That must have made you feel good!
Heidi
The weather kinda sucks! That’s a bummer! Is there anywhere else that you can go with better conditions? Either way, LOVING the job you have will make how you experience your day soooooo much better, right? I don’t know if you have ever LOVED any job that you have had….have you? If yes, when was the last time you loved your job?
Jeop sounds like a really good resource. Do you know why he got divorced? Probably not. It’s not really a discussion to have at a table full of guys.
Did you get the contract? It’s Wednesday and you said Monday, so did it come through? Or maybe you meant next week.
Trav is more attached to you than you think. He can be very independent but be attached to you (in his mind/heart) and you would never know. You are a pillar for him. You are solid, dependable, predictable and loving to him ALWAYS…even in his mess. And now you are leaving and are not available in the same way. You helped him feel a more solid sense of himself (whether he is aware of it or not) so he could be independent. You don’t give yourself enough credit as his mother.
Heidi
Hi Tanisha!
Welcome! What is happening for you? Would you mind sharing a bit about your situation or pattern? We are happy to shed some light on your situation or answer any questions.
I’m wondering if you are referring to a book that was promoted through us and was not authored by James. Do you remember the title? Or anything about it?
Heidi
Hello there!
Welcome! This is a really tough situation. It’s always really difficult when you create a FWB situation and then end up falling for them. It’s quite painful actually. Unrequited love is very difficult to accept and deal with.
How is he still involved with his ex? How well do you know this guy? What’s the FWB design? Do you just sleep together or do you actually have a real friendship and you guys go out and do things together? Do you text a lot? Do you guys share thoughts with each other? Do you guys talk really well together?
Heidi
