[Heidi G]

I responded in your other post, so we can ignore this one! 🙂

[Heidi G]

I wonder if that woman has a Borderline personality disorder. She would never know if she never has been to a therapist or psychiatrist. She somehow is able to still live her life, pay her bills and get a job, so it’s not something that has ever interrupted her life enough to do anything about it. She obviously needs help. I feel so sad for people like her. To have to feel that kind of chaos constantly running inside is awful. There’s very little, if any, peace for a soul like that. They have no control over what is happening to them until they get help.

drinking a glass daily to me is more than what’s needed. What if that glass of wine is no different than having a piece of chocolate after dinner or having a soda at dinner? Meaning…is it about addiction or a habit or a preference? For some people, that glass of wine is about the taste and the person is connected to the beauty of flavors that live in a glass of wine. I’m not saying this is Jeop of course…I’m speaking hypothetically. I have known people who love wine and they have a glass with dinner every night. They love the art of wine, they love the taste, they love the experience of it and are connected to it. Other people have a glass every night because it’s an addiction. So I think it’s more about looking at what their relationship is to the wine. I understand you don’t want it around at all because of your past experiences. I’m sure you haven’t really come across many people who drink wine every day who have a healthy relationship with it. Just something to consider. I’m just suggesting to maybe get curious about why someone has a glass of wine and look at their relationship with it.

You have sooooo much to do!!! My goodness. What an exciting time! I’m so curious where this adventure is going to take you. I hope this job will fill you up and nourish you and source you in a way that you haven’t been sourced in a very long time!!!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

The relationship built on love is full of freedom. It holds nothing over the head of the other person, no obligations, no nothing. They are free to show themselves to you as they will, and you are free to share yourself with them or not, to let them in or not. Whatever they give to you, is of their own free will. IF they are expecting something in return, it means they are in a transactional mindset, and such a relationship has to remain in the outskirts, in the marketplace, and you don’t want to take it home with you. Help me understand this theory a little better. This kind of reltionship you are describing, built on love, is not a romantic kind of love. It could maybe be a parent/child kind of love, BUT it’s pretty impossible to never expect anything in return from someone you love. Expectations are naturally there and should be there. Anyone I “love” I definitely have expectations as to how I am treated in return as the very basic level. Any romantic kind of love, there are many more expectations as to how I am treated and the kind of life we build together. So I’m not so sure what is wrong with have expectations – or standards, as I would put it. So explain a little more about what you mean. And have you seen/experienced the non-transactional kind of love before? I’m just not sure that can exist between humans, but maybe I am not understanding correctly.

Clean slate — Yes, & No. Yes, everyone deserves a clean slate. HOWEVER — i’m not going to turn off the knowledge i’ve gathered over the years – everyone has to pass the test of trustworthiness, regardless of race or gender. SO – No – i will not allow into my life, the kind of person who cannot be trusted. As for forgiveness, people change – so those who hurt me in the past, can also go through my ‘trustworthiness test’ and if they pass, they will remain in my life. Like my mother – who has been changing a lot. So you operate with a “guilty until proven innocent” mindset. I get there are “tests” so to speak for someone to enter into a relationship with you, on any level. This is what I would call “transactional” because you are requiring something from them FIRST before they get to have a connection with you. It’s you creating a standard as to how you are treated – so isn’t that a healthy thing? Do you think it’s possible to be a “innocent until proven guilty” kind of person? Just something to think about. Regardless…I’m just saying that if you have these instant walls that come up even with strangers who DON”T want to be your friend, but just want to have a short conversation…tells me how deep your walls run. It’s an instant trigger if someone asks if your Indian. It’s an instant trigger if someone is an Indian or Ethiopian or a woman. There are walls that are instant and designed to keep them out and these people haven’t done anything to you. You are still carrying around the memory/emotions/stories about your past that are being overlayed onto strangers. I understand completely how your you needed a reason to fight to become more healthy – hence your kids. I also understand that you don’t see the need to look at these walls, as you don’t feel that it actually interrupts anything you want in your life, therefore, what’s the point? My thoughts are…YOU are the motivation. It’s about facing those walls so you can connect deeper with your SELF. It’s about self-love and nothing more. The energy/stories/thoughts/feelings you carry in these instant walls are all things that contribute to depression, your finances, your relationships with your kids and JB…it’s influences EVERY ASPECT of your life. So if you want to deepen relationships with them, if you want to improve your finances, if you want to shift any other pattern in your life that is limiting you, then the energy in these walls needs to be worked with and acknowledged and valued and paid attention to. A wall, is meant to stop the flow. So these walls stop the flow in your life and you think it’s only affecting this “small” area of women, Indians and Ethiopians, but it’s actually affecting the flow of everything.

No – nothing happened between us – i was just starting to feel like i was burdening him with the stresses in my own life – and he said it’s ok, and he understands and doesn’t mind. You have a pretty strong program that you are a “burden.” I know that comes from your upbringing of course. I know that JB could tell you until he is blue in the face that you aren’t a burden and you still won’t believe him. I want to encourage you to maybe give him a little more credibility. Isn’t it HIS job to set his own limits as to how he interacts with you? By pulling back and not sharing your life with him, you are basically saying “I don’t trust you. I don’t believe you.” And you don’t believe him because you have such a strong program running in your system that you are “burden” so you do everything to NOT be that, according to your perspective. It’s not really fair is it? I personally would start to get quite frustrated if a friend of mine was controlling the relationship because they were not believing what I was saying, because they have their own insecurities that they are overlaying onto MY feelings. Just something to think about.

I understand the police world. It’s an incredibly tough job. They go through sooooooo much on many, many levels. There are so many unsettling and sad stories in that profession and so many beautiful, heartwarming stories too. We are lucky to have a man such as JB to hold up the light side of this profession.

Heidi

Heidi

[Heidi G]

He sounds delightful! I love that you are feeling inspired to do/be a better version of yourself. It feels good to do that and connect in with someone else on that journey.

I just want to say to be careful. What he is making you feel is already on the deep/soulful side…which means you are not taking this as casual as you both have agreed to do. Your heart is more invested than you think – and why wouldn’t it be when you get to feel this safety and inspiration from him? The truth is though…how you feel isn’t casual and although you don’t want more from him right now, it IS going to happen. Most likely, you won’t know that you want more until he does something that doesn’t make you feel good….like not be as available, or going out on other dates, or not listening to a need you have. Who knows. Either way, it’s important for you to be VERY honest with yourself. The trap that most women fall into, especially the ones struggling to have a voice, is they are enjoying the connection so much, that they don’t speak up when their needs are not being met, because the truth is…their needs most likely will end the connection because they are on a different page than the guy. So they stay silent and choose the connection over themselves – and that’s where it just gets really damaging and hurtful. You will be VERY tempted to just fall back into your pattern of not saying anything, just so you can keep the connection going. OR….this could be a great opportunity for you to start to shift that pattern and do something different. Obviously, it’s not the time for that, as things are going really smooth right now, but I guarantee things WILL shift at some point and it will be your opportunity to use that beautiful, powerful voice that lives within you.

Thoughts?

[Heidi G]

Thank you for sharing more details. It’s very helpful!

I just really believe there’s this underlying fear that he is going to create the same household he grew up in and he is trying to control everything in his power to make sure he doesn’t end up divorced with kids that in the end would grow up in a broken home like he was. Here’s the thing Cheyenne. While your very educated guess could be spot on, you just don’t really know because it doesn’t sound like he is open to having these kinds of conversations about his fears. That’s the REAL issue here….he is not a communicator so you end up spending your time trying to figure him out, analyzing him and coming to places like this forum searching for answers. All this effort you are putting in is beautiful and amazing, but it needs to be effort that HE is putting in for himself, not you. You cannot fix him or change him. So your job is simple….accept him for exactly who he is RIGHT NOW. If he were to stay the same where he doesn’t talk about things and he isn’t interested in working with his walls, is this something you can accept about him? He isn’t very emotionally available. Is that something you can imagine dealing with for another 10 years? If yes, then I want to invite you to look inside yourself and explore your own walls to intimacy. What you are noticing within in, lives within you as well or you would not have invited him into your life as a partner. What do you notice about these walls you have to intimacy?

It sounds like he is hitting his “upper limit.” It’s basically a wall that we all have as to how happy we will allow ourselves to be. That wall and how strong it is, is related to how much baggage/low self-esteem we are carrying. So if someone has some really strong stories around love being dangerous let’s say, when that person starts to get close to feeling love, they will hit their upper limit – the wall – and they will start to sabotage it because the story that love is dangerous is MUCH stronger than the story that they could be happy with love. All of this happens on a subconscious level of course. People are typically not aware of this and, like your boyfriend, will point to the relationship, instead of looking at their own patterns – because that is the only thing that makes sense. The upper limit is how happy he will allow himself to be. If he doesn’t trust “happy” then he will always ruin it. Pushing against the upper limit is extremely uncomfortable. Changing the upper limit is A LOT of work and takes some serious self-reflection and healing. My upper limit used to be soooo low. I would sabotage so fast! Now…because I have worked really hard on releasing my baggage, my upper limit is sooooo much higher and I get to feel so much happier in my life. But it took a lot of work with my coach, reading a lot of books, attending workshops, trying different types of healing modalities….it’s a forever kind of journey really and it doesn’t sound like he is the kind of guy who is interested in looking at himself. He basically is showing you that he has a VERY strong relationship with his fear and he will choose his fear over you. That’s not an uncommon thing actually. But it is reflective of what your life would be like with him. ANYTIME the fear is big enough, he will run away into himself and become unavailable to you and you will be left dealing with whatever situation has come up. He wouldn’t be a very good partner to go through the messiness of life.

With all of that being said, I know you are interested in trying to stay connected with him. I totally get it! Just know what you are walking into. Anytime you are fighting more for him than he is fighting for himself, you are going to run into a lot of challenge and heartache down the road. But for now, what you CAN do, first and foremost, is look into yourself and put the attention on you. What is inside of you that is connecting with an emotionally unavailable man? I know there is a strong connection, but it’s limited. Sex and intimacy is always a great barometer as to the health of the relationship and intimacy and it sounds like it’s never really evolved into something deep and connective and vulnerable and passionate and vibrant and alive. So what is in you that is choosing this kind of experience?

Now looking at him, the best thing you can do is continue to provide a space for him to talk with you. Asking questions like “What can I do better as a partner for you? What kinds of things do I do, that you want me to continue?” Also, how often are you telling him things that you like about him? The idea is to focus on what IS working more frequently. It could maybe help him put his attention on those things more often, which could possibly shift his view of the relationship. BUT…it doesn’t sound like you even understand WHY he is feeling how he does. You are guessing. So what if you took him out on a date, get all dressed up, go somewhere beautiful and peaceful and have a conversation with him. Set the tone of curiosity. Let him know that you understand he is having reservations. You are not interested in changing his mind, but instead, you are just curious about how he is feeling. You would like to understand yourself and how he is viewing you and you would like to understand how you can become a better partner for him, IF what he needs is something that aligns with you.

The bottom line here is, there is not much you can do for your relationship growth if you have a guy who isn’t willing to communicate. That’s a pretty solid deal-breaker for growth. You gotta have 2 people who can talk authentically and respectfully with each other if there is going to be growth.

Here is super short article that maybe help a bit. Your guys sounds like he is the “stonewalling” type. Also look at what your own tendencies are. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Cheyenne,

Welcome! Thank you for coming here and asking your question. I just have a few more questions.

1. I’m not clear….he has done this before? Or this is the first time he is saying this?
2. Do you know the specifics about what he is feeling? Meaning, are there specific behaviors or personality traits he is just not sure about? Is he able to be clear about what he is unsure about?
3. How would YOU say the relationship has been for the past few years? Do you feel it’s open, vibrant and nourishing and you love the relationship you guys have created together? Or would you say it’s been a lot of struggle? Or somewhere in between?
4. How is the communication between you guys?
5. How is your sexual/intimate relationship?

It will help to have more detail so we have a bigger picture about what’s happening.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh I love how you said that! I get it. It sounds like you are really ready. That means you will release MUCH FASTER!

What makes this guy a little different so far?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

i see my judgements of them as a wall to keep them away, because i’m a very forgiving person, and i’m also a fool. Man I get this! We ALL are able to be fooled and that is so hard to accept about our humanity. I love that you are forgiving as well. Judgement doesn’t need to exist to keep a wall up. There is actually no need to even protect yourself anymore. Those people who treated you so poorly and were judgmental towards you, are no longer in your life. What’s the wall for? It’s over. Also, a wall only needs to come up when you need to set a boundary – a drop of anger in self love = assertion. That is the only wall you need to have come up and only when it’s needed. This judgment you think is protecting you, you are living with 24/7 and you don’t need to. You can release this judgment and criticism and step into forgiveness and let the past go and live more in the present moment. Protecting yourself IS important but only when needed. So it’s like you have a wall that is available to you WHEN YOU NEED IT, and it’s sourced by self love – not judgment. The rest of the time, you live openly. By that, I mean you see and feel each person as they are without judgments/criticisms and without walls. Each person has a clean slate with you, regardless of race or gender. Doesn’t each person deserve to be seen that way? So there truly is no need for you to hold onto your judgments that are guaranteed to influence how you see people in general. It’s the mud in your water and you cannot separate that out until you truly forgive those in your past.

i was starting to run to him with all of my burdens, and i don’t think that’s a good idea How come? Could you sense that he was getting uncomfortable with it? Did something happen? Do you actually share your burdens with your other friends? I didn’t know you had other friends. You have said several times you only care about your kids and JB and those are the only relationships you are willing to protect and invest in. Maybe they are your innermost circle and you other friends on your outer circles that you are not really invested in?

I remembered the state i was in about 12 yrs ago – it’s far worse than what i wrote in my 2 minute version. I was actually afraid i was becoming catatonic. Whoa! That is sooooo intense. Do you remember what caused you to go into that state? Did the medicine she prescribed, eventually help you? That’s sooooo interesting. You seriously could write a memoir. You have such a wonderful and powerful way of describing things and you have such an incredible story. I just went through a free webinar put on by Hay House about writing a book. It was fabulous! I learned A LOT!!! It’s 4 days of 1 hour each and I have a feeling it might inspire you…maybe. Idk. The replays expire on Sunday, so make sure to listen by then if you want. https://www.discover.hayhouse.com/writerscommunity-day-4-replay/

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Oh wow! That woman sounds pretty awful! She sounds narcissistic. Yuk! I’m so glad you only have 2 more weeks. Keep asking “Okay God, let me see her through your eyes of truth.” Say that a million times a day if you have to. It might help to remember she is HIS creation and there is beauty and perfection in her design….and maybe…just maybe…you might be able to see a little bit of that before you leave.

So a glass of wine at dinner is too much alcohol in your mind? Am I understanding that correctly? Does that make you feel like he might be an alcoholic or something? I love that he shared with you and you got a chance to share with him as well. It sounds like you guys are developing a really nice friendship. I also love that you got a rower!!! Well done! I LOVE rowing! One of my clients has a row machine that is like the Peleton where there are classes on a screen and a coach rowing along with you. It’s so fun!

You sure have a lot to do over the next 2 weeks!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I think it would be so great if Trav could join you over there! It may be just what he needs to kickstart his life. Maybe not…who knows, but either way, it’s a rare opportunity. I hope it works out!

I totally get the house thing. Maybe just put a bunch of stuff in storage? It may be worth the income you could get from the airbnb. Something I imagine you have already thought of though.

Do you know where you are going to live over there? I know you had mentioned one place you liked, but if I remember correctly, you are going to wait until you get there…yes? But maybe you know for sure what town you will live in?

What was nice about the chat with Jeop?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

no matter how much therapy I’ve been through. It’s just a part of me Do you see this statement you just made? It’s a story that is running in system that you are believing is true and it’s a lie. It’s no “just part of you.” I don’t care how many therapists you have been to, you don’t stop until you transform this. Maybe the therapists you have been to, were not the most effective for you. Have you ever tried EMDR? I have been to MANY different therapists, healers, coaches etc. over the past 30 years and I will never stop. You will get sooooooo much further in your healing when you find someone who is a good support for you. Issues like what you are dealing with run VERY deep, so having someone take you into the depths and help you re-design core beliefs is crucial! I’m happy to refer you to my Coach. She is INCREDIBLE! I’ve been with her for 20 years and she still never ceases to amaze me. Just let me know and I’ll send a private message to your email with her contact information.

there’s a remote possibility of anything more, maybe I can try to find my voice, maybe I can push past the need to run. This is where the deeper work comes in. It’s not necessarily about “pushing” past the need to run. When you have done the deeper healing work, there is no pushing past anything – you just are present with yourself. It’s easy and effortless to use your voice. Yes, in the meantime as we all “re-program” we have to face our fears and do things we are uncomfortable with, but ultimately, using your voice will be easy and staying in a healthy situation will be easy. Your voice matters and is sooooooo important!!!!

Here is a book that may help. https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/

You can also go to https://www.hayhouse.com/ and it’s a plethora of books, courses, programs that is a great resource!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I don’t know. When I’m spewing ‘wisdom’ i’ve had one of my aunt’s say that i sound like my Dad. Other than that, i’ve never had anyone say i do or say anything that resembles anyone from my family. And i’ve never ever had anyone tell me i’m behaving like an Indian (either in a positive or a negative way). You should check out the book I posted. In there, he teaches you how to identify generational thinking vs. attachment thinking (whatever gets attached in the first 2 years of life). He also teaches you how to clear them. It might be an interesting study of yourself and your kids.

Why should i disrespect myself that way again? To me, to work on clearing those judgments is the same as being disrespectful to me. I see benefits to THEM and none to me. So – no – not only do i not see any value in clearing my judgements, i also see it as a slap in my own face — valuing them more than myself and my feelings. I know I’m persistent…LOL. I can also be respectful and honoring so again…just simply say “I don’t want to talk about this anymore” and I will respect that. I’m wondering why you would consider it disrespectful to yourself if you clear those judgments. When you clear the energy of all the wounds, you are only honoring yourself! Again, it doesn’t mean you allow those people into your life, it just means you are releasing negative, critical, judgmental energy within yourself caused by those who actually harmed you…which only serves you. It means you let go of more baggage…how is that being dishonoring to you? How is healing the hurt you are holding onto, dishonoring to you?

i’m trying to keep my distance from him and not write to him unless i have something REALLY, REALLY, REAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLY important to tell him How come you are keeping your distance??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Wow! What a story about your grandfather. Is he still alive? Do/did you like him?

What other feeling/beliefs do you think you inherited through your DNA from your parents? These are things they would never have taught you. Things that are just in you and think they are not yours. What about your kids too? What have they inherited from you and their dad that might be ancestral stuff?

The thing that i need to work on reveals itself to me in how much it affects my emotions and thoughts and feelings. My relationship to Indians&Ethiopians, doesn’t stir up ANYTHING in me. That’s how i know, i don’t need to work on it right now. I understand completely. There is always so much to work on, so following what lights up inside of you is the best way to be guided as to what is ready to be released. I’m curious, if I told you that if you cleared the judgments about Indians, Ethiopians and women, your depressive episodes would be much less and you will feel much lighter and much more emotionally free in ALL areas of your life, would you still not do anything about it right now? If clearing these judgments were a HUGE key to your emotional freedom and happiness, would you still think nothing of it?

How are things going with JB?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Heidi!

Great question! I love that you are here and sharing your story. You are a curious person, so stay that way! It will help you so much more throughout your life.

The answer is simple, but far from simple. LOL. The answer is yes and no. NO in the sense that if neither of you do the deeper, internal work to heal the hurt and the baggage you carry about love and intimacy, you guys will hit a wall and not go any further. Whether he hits your wall first or you hit his…who knows. YES in the sense that each person that comes into our lives, we grow in some sort of way. Every person is an opportunity to learn about ourselves, even if things don’t work out. So you guys will grow and learn from each other as long as you both keep choosing to experience each other. Considering the baggage you both carry and the fear that is still there, you guys won’t get very far though. It doesn’t matter how slow you go, the walls are there regardless and you will eventually hit them. It could be 6 months or it could be 5 years. Who knows.

Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Here’s an example of the difficulty caused by the question “Are You Indian” or “where are you from?” btw – it’s ‘dumb’ to ME because i cannot answer it when a clean answer. The question itself, is innocent and a curious question, and i’ve asked similar questions too. I try to connect it to something other than appearance though – usually their name – so i’d say – i haven’t heard that name before, what are it’s origins? Or – that sounds like an Irish name! IS it? I don’t really see the difference between these questions. Asking where you are from is because of your appearance. Asking through a different connection, like a name, is exactly the same thing. That can be a “dumb” question too. A name comes from soooo many different places and could have nothing to do with the country of where they are actually from. I have changed my name legally 3x times now. When someone asks me about my name, and they have, it’s not necessarily a clear answer for me because there is a looooong story to how I arrived where I am at and is far from a simple answer. There are other questions like that when I get asked certain medical questions that I am always confused on how to answer, because it isn’t a simple yes or no…but for 99% of the population, it probably is a simple yes or no answer. So I understand your thought process. The thing is, it’s more about YOUR relationship with the question than the question itself. When I do work with people to help clear out the “mud,” I start with targets. These are the things in their life that generate a reaction of any kind. I use the SUD scale (subjective units of distress scale) and have them rate their reaction to a situation on a scale of 0-10. 0 is neutral/no negative reaction at all, which is where you want to be – 10 being incredibly triggering. So when people ask you where you are from, you are not at 0. That question could be a target that could lead you to the core thoughts/beliefs/programs that are influencing all the reactions you have towards Indians and Ethiopians. But since my source of water is God, and he’s limitless, the Waters eventually dilute and wash my mud away, as long as i keep releasing it all to him. So do you feel you are releasing all of this to God? I personally feel it’s my responsibility to actively work with my judgments and clear them so that I am as clean as I possibly can be. The cleaner I am, the more loving and connective I am and the more honoring I am of myself and every person that crosses my path. It sounds like you are just waiting for God to clear this one for you. Is this your approach? Because you are quite active in working with yourself directly in other areas of your life. Why not this category? I’m not pushing you btw. I truly am just being curious and trying to understand your mindset…that’s all.

I know i’ve been shaped by all of my experiences, including my heritage, but it’s not a part of me. You actually might be surprised how much your heritage is part of you. It’s even been proven scientifically that up to 3 generations live in our genes and that many of our emotions, thoughts and feeling in our lives are not actually from our own lives, but the lives of our ancestors. A quick story is about a girl who was cutting herself so deeply, that she would almost bleed out every time. The Pyschologist that ended up working with her saw that there was one slight difference between her and the other cutters he was used to working with…the depth at which she would cut. Through talking, he learned that her paternal grandmother was drunk driving with her grandfather in the passenger side. She hit a telephone pole and he went flying through the windshield and the glass cut him so deeply, he bled to death. In just a few sessions of working with the young girl and the father’s feeling about this, the young girl never cut again. Basically this young girl released these feelings she was carrying in her (of her grandmother “I don’t deserve to live”) that was passed to her through her father’s semen. Science is discovering that when trauma happens, in very simple terms, it changes the DNA. It’s fascinating actually. Here is a book if you feel like you want to explore this a little further. My point being, we ALL are influenced by where our parents and grandparents came from what they experienced combined with our own attachment traumas that occur most between the ages of birth to 2 years old. This book is great because it helps you identify the difference and offers you different ways to help yourself release what isn’t yours. https://markwolynn.com/it-didnt-start-with-you/

I haven’t attached the article about the mother archetype because it just didn’t seem like you were that interested. You are someone who will explore it on your own if you are inspired to…so I just trust you will do it if you feel like exploring your definition/relationship with being a mother more deeply.

Heidi

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