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Wow! I love that you connected so deeply to the layers of this story. It’s obviously a very powerful one. It’s so fascinating how a single moment can make an imprint and then it taints the glass we view the world through. And then…we end up collecting every piece of data to support the original imprint and voila! You have a belief that operates in the subconscious, influencing everything you do. The subconscious is a fascinating place to explore and what I most love about it…is how it reveals itself. You were ready to connect to this and it’s giving you an opportunity to release it and create a new story.
Now that you have connected to it, what do you do next?
Heidi
Hi Lynette,
I can see why this is very confusing situation for you. There are a lot of mixed signals happening here and when your heart really gets involved, there is very little clarity about what is happening. We are glad you are here to get some clarity and other perspectives! Well done for reaching out for guidance!
It sounds like you want something more committed and serious with him and that he is just not in that place. It sounds like he values you in his life, but is not able to offer you something more intimate. He did just get divorced and it IS a smart thing to do to let him work through what that means for him. He needs to FEEL all the layers that divorce brings up and that takes time…a lot of time. How come he is getting divorced? Has he talked about that with you?
Honestly, there IS hope, but I would say it’s more down the road and not right now. I would suggest to let him go and let him deal with re-shaping his identity and then down the road, reconnect with him again.
The thing is…he is just not emotionally available right now, regardless of the potential you feel. Potential is just that…nothing more. Do not invest in someone who has potential. You want to be with someone who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with you. You deserve that. It could be him down the road, but for right now, that is NOT him. So what does that mean for you? Is that something you are able to embrace and accept?
Heidi
Hi Jenny,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. I can feel your heartbreak and confusion and I am soooo so sorry you have to deal with this.
You asked for brutal honesty so here it goes. It’s is NOT love that he is offering you. He is just using you to get what he wants. Do you really think a guy who is cheating on his girlfriend with you and who knows how many other girls along the way, actually has the ability to be serious? You are NOT the first one by the way. The way he is playing with you, tells me he probably has done this before and will do it again. He uses A LOT of very powerful words to get a girl hooked and then when he is “done” he will discard them, all the while staying with his current girlfriend. I don’t care what he says…this is NOT love. It’s mean, dishonest and entirely uncaring to you and to his girlfriend. Do you REALLY want a guy like that in your life? If he is doing it to his current girlfriend, breaks up with her and then decides to be with you…he will do the same thing to you…guaranteed. A person who cheats in this fashion is someone you CANNOT trust.
I understand your heart got really involved with him and I understand he said sooooo many wonderful and beautiful things. But his words have no action behind them. It’s time for you to develop a new standard for yourself. You doubted why he would interested in you in the the first place, which tells me you don’t think so highly of yourself. Someone who deeply loves themselves and who knows their own value, doesn’t question why someone would be interested in them. They KNOW they are worth loving and knowing to the RIGHT kind of person. Tell me more about how you think about yourself.
Heidi
He kept the conversation on ME! i was so confused! And also totally thrilled! This is soooo great! I think most mothers experience the same thing. It’s all about them as a mom and kids and people are not seeing them or knowing them as more than a mom. I love that this man was able to give you that experience! So beautiful!
I don’t want them to pity me. I don’t want them to see me as weak. I don’t want them to praise me for being strong and wonderful either. Because i’m not that either. Can’t you be both? You ARE strong and wonderful AND you are weak. Don’t we all have those sides? It sounds like you easily accept your limitations and completely reject your greatness. Can’t ALL of that exist within you?
I don’t know why i want them to know, so i stay silent, because it’s confusing to me. Most people want to be witnessed. You have such a strong “anonymous” story about yourself, that the little girl who carries that story wants to be seen and heard and known. ALL kids NEED that!! I’d say it’s a pretty natural thing that you would want these people to know.
Yes, but not because i want to help them. It makes me feel important and significant and full of myself when i have helped someone. So i’m not at all doing it for them. I’m just doing it to feel good about myself. So i don’t think that counts as helping them. HA! OMG! I LOVE this! Vino! So many people have never really thought about this and I love that you have. EVERYBODY is like this. We don’t help people for them…we all help people because it makes US feel good. If you think about it, there truly is not a single selfless act in the human spirit. EVERYTHING we do, serves us somehow, first and foremost and then it serves others. Whether we are playing the martyr or the victim or the savior archetype…it’s ALWAYS about serving ourselves first. So I’d say you are just like the rest of us and that you DO enjoy helping others. It makes you feel good that your own story and wisdom can help someone else along their path. And it’s SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL THAT WAY!!!! If there were no personal benefit to helping others, none of us would do it. I would say that God built this into our spirits so we didn’t completely destroy each other. It’s not mistake that we are self serving when we help others. It’s beautiful!
Heidi
Wow! Isn’t soooooo irritating when there are these things that happen that don’t need to happen and cause so much extra time?? Like the dating app thing? Soooo irritating! You don’t need one more thing to do on top of the mile long list of REAL things that need to get done. I totally feel you on that one!
You are sooooo close to being outta there! I’m really excited for this new adventure. I LOVE that you joined some new meetup groups over there. Very smart! You are going to do great over there! Your pictures are phenomenal, so I’m sure the photography group will really love you!
Did Trav find out anything through that job site?
Wow…an hour train ride to work. At least you get to work from home most of the time. Trains are soothing anyways. It’s the perfect time to catch up on books, podcasts and hopefully have some nice scenery.
The poor woman has to feel soooo miserable in her body. What is stopping you from interrupting HER interruption into your conversations? She would be a good person to practice setting boundaries with and speaking up. You are leaving anyways. Maybe give it a try before you leave.
Heidi
That’s so strange that you are not able to edit!
I wonder why French is like that. I suppose English has some words like that too. Years ago I heard that English and Chinese are the 2 hardest languages to learn. How was it for you? Did you start learning English when you were really young? Many of us Americans wish we were taught another language in school. We don’t have to take another language until high school and even at that, we have many choices. Most of us take Spanish since we border Mexico and we are only required to take it for 2 years.
You DEFINITELY are sooooo much more connected to the truth than when you first started here. It truly is amazing! You are the one person I get to see shift and grow and change because most people are on this forum for a few weeks and then bail. How come you are different? What makes you keep this membership?
I wanted to take a step back and give it more thought (am I really ? or am I just hiding myself behind work ? lol) Hahaha! Spoken like a true seeker! Does it really matter which reason it is? Not really, right? It’s just what you want to be right now and you get to do that.
I’ve decided not to accept negativity anymore Can you imagine what this world would be like if everybody made this decision?? Soooooo much better! 1 person at a time, right? Each person who aligns with this is impacting the whole. Now there is a word that would be confusing…whole and hole. Same pronunciation, but different spelling and meaning. Hmmm….I know my brain is going to start thinking about these kinds of words in English. LOL
Heidi
Or….you can stay in it until it doesn’t work for you anymore. There is ALWAYS growth, whether you walk away or whether you stay in it. Each path has something for you. So if you decide to walk away, make sure it’s because you feel clear that it’s not the kind of experience you are actually looking for. If you stay, make sure you are clear that it’s a limited relationship and you are just going to enjoy it one day at a time. YOU are the only one who knows when you are really done. Do not let me or him have more insight on you than you have on yourself. You take what we are observing and see if it rings true for you. If it does, then make the choice from that mindset. If it doesn’t, then make the choice from that mindset. Either way, OWN your choice fully and completely.
The growth is never 1 sided. Whether you see him growing or not, he is learning. At the very least, he is learning what it feels like to be around someone easy and fun and connective. That, in and of itself, can be healing in ways you are not even aware of.
Heidi
Ha! Look at you calming me down! I love it!
It sounds like he is facing a fear we all have…being happy. There isn’t a single person I have worked with, including myself, that doesn’t have that fear. The level of happiness is different with each person, but it’s just such an interesting fear we have. The happier we get, the more we are ready for the rug to be pulled out from under us in a second. We don’t trust being happy for too long in general. I know in the recent decade, studying “happy” people has really become quite a topic. Did you know that on average, it takes about 20 seconds for a person to truly receive and FEEL a compliment? For happy people, it’s instant. For most people, negativity sticks like glue in their brains and positive things will slide right out. I remember being like this when I was younger. They used the example of getting 10 compliments in one day about how you look and how it feels really good, but then 1 person says something that isn’t positive and that is the ONE comment that will outweigh all the positive. That’s how the average person functions. Happy people are the opposite. The positive sticks and the negative slides right out.
I get everything you are saying and you are spot on. He is lucky to have you as a friend to know himself in a different kind of way…and vice versa. It sounds like you guys are kind of in the same exact spot, for different reasons though. Either way, you are still on the same page with each other, which makes things work so beautifully in the way you do.
I had no idea that French was so confusing! Lol.
Heidi
It’s one thing to identify with the emotions and quite another to identify with the story. Yes…I totally agree. I am picky with who I share with as well. I find most people are not very good listeners and their efforts to help are full of limitations. So I understand you not sharing yourself freely with others as most of the time, it ends up leaving you more frustrated than anything else.
I didn’t want them to see me as a mother, because i wanted to be seen as ME with the mothering part as just an outfit i wear sometimes. But they’re not able to see me that way! Do you show them other sides of yourself? Considering how close you hold your cards to your heart, I imagine that they don’t know the various sides of you.
I’ve always devalued what i do, because it’s natural to me. You grew up to treat yourself this way. I’m so glad you are turning this story inside of you, into something more loving and accepting and empowering!
It means i don’t care about everyone to the same degree. Okay. I understand now. This makes more sense.
In sharing my story and my tools – although i might be helping others, that’s not my goal. My goal is to get my story out there, because i’m tired of keeping it hidden. Tell me more about this. What if you just wrote the story for your kids? If it’s not meant to help other people, then why have an audience? Why not just write it out for yourself, make it a book and have it be something that gets passed down in your family maybe? So when you say you’re tired of keeping it hidden, who have you been keeping your story hidden from?
Mothers who are raising their children in a multicultural community. And i’m helping them find harmony in a life thast’s being bombarded by so many different values and expectations, by connecting with themselves and their own core values. So, this could be mothers around the world! lol 🙂 So you do want to help other people??? This story you want to share and the audience you want to help sounds like a beautiful fit for you! It’s a powerful target and reason to share your story to help other women connect to their core values outside of cultural pressures about how to mother. I love it! And now that you feel comfortable identifying with yourself as a mother, it will make your story that much more powerful.
So THAT’s the service we’re providing – accountability and guidance. He also pointed out how a chef doesn’t have to invent new ingredients in order to create a new dish, but just puts together the same old ingredients in a new way and gives it fancy name and he has a new dish! This is a GREAT analogy! It’s so true! Nobody today is offering any new material. It’s all recycled information but it’s unique because they have their own personal flavors they threw into it. It is true. If someone wants information, they will find it somewhere. And they will stop with whomever presents the information in a way that resonates for them. There are people that will stop looking when they come across you!
Anyway – i think i’m going to be more involved in these live classes from now on! it was so much fun interacting with others! lol 🙂 This is so great! I love how you helped her identify one of the major aspects of becoming independent. I totally agree with that one! I know that was the most important part of me as I was becoming independent! You have great perspectives Vino. I love that you had some fun with strangers and felt like the call was worth it!
I don’t remember what it was now, but when i was done writing about it, i felt such a deep relief, as if i’d cried for several hours. and then, when i got up, i had absolutely no problem with finishing up the laundry and dinner and a whole bunch of other stuff. I love how you create the space for yourself! It’s really beautiful!!!
So, when women share painful things with me, i’m looking for a way to stop the pain. i mean, why else would they share it with me if they didn’t want me to fix it? The flip is also true – when i share a problem, i’m not just venting, i’m looking for practical solutions. Most of the time, when a person, not just women, shares their pain, they want validation and to feel “heard” BEFORE any solution is offered. I know for me, when I share my pain and struggles with my friends, I don’t want practical solutions. I already know what the solutions are and don’t need help with that. So I share for 2 reasons. It allows my friends to know me and be a witness to my life and 2, sharing allows my feelings to matter…to me. By giving my pain words and emotions and sharing them with my friends, I am honoring myself and my struggle by giving it a voice. And many times, as I am giving it a voice, I actually learn other aspects and flavors of it. So problems are not always meant to be fixed or solved. Many times, it’s just about sharing and that’s it…nothing for you to fix. I understand you go about it in a different way, but I just wanted to share another perspective.
ALSO – no matter HOW MUCH we think we know how someone else feels – the honest truth is WE DON’T! This is true! We can never know how each person feels because we are not inside of them. AND…we can also have a level of understanding. I may not see the same exact green color as you do, but I am seeing green and you are seeing green and that makes us have a certain kind of understanding with each other. So although none of us knows EXACTLY how you feel, we do know what it feels like to be lost, confused, depressed, angry or whatever emotion or pain is happening for you at the moment. So I think most people express their own stories to let you know they do understand the general feelings you are having, you are not alone (although I know you want to be) and many times, it’s our own stories that can help others through their own tough situation. We heal a TON through stories. So maybe the best way for you to have help is to never talk to anyone and you do your own thing.
Thank you! you are right — you need to be in the mindset of a child to explore new places, and i’m already done with the general, known stuff, and i want more. I love that you resonated with this! Your child energy is priceless and valuable and sacred…all sides of it!
i saw her, as if i was seeing her through HIS eyes — a gentle, tender mother, working so hard, pouring herself out for her children, smiling through her tears, forcing herself to keep on getting out of bed even on the days when she just doesn’t want to – just because one of her children needs her — and i felt his IMMENSE love for her. I sensed that He has seen EVERY TEENY TINY sacrifice she has made and nothing is lost. She just needs someone to love her, for some reason. And i wondered if she was still with her husband. How you describe her sounds like a description of you as well!
EVERY program i’ve purchased asks about what i want to do for others. And my adament answer still remains: NOTHING! i don’t care enough about anybody else, other than THREE people (sometimes just TWO) If you don’t care about anybody else, then why do you stand up for the “underdog?” That means you are caring about those that you perceive are struggling or need to be stood up for. You also are part of a program where you wrote your story. What was the point of writing that short story? Did you write it just for yourself? You only care about your 2 kids and JB. Does that mean you don’t care about your family? Does that mean your other friends are just people occupying space in your life but they don’t really matter to you? Help me understand your thought process here.
And just something to think about…caring for people in various ways, even strangers, is part of divine feminine energy (whether in a male or female body). So maybe you not caring about people is a place to explore. When you are able to access “care,” you will feel feminine energy as part of yourself.
Heidi
Well, it felt very confusing for starters because I’m actually quit emotionally distant and didn’t understand what he was “picking up” from me that would make him think I wanted more. I totally get how it would be confusing for you. Your actions are displaying quite the opposite to him, but what you are underestimating is his intuition. He was sensing and feeling something that you were not able to control, which were your deepening feelings for him. He probably doesn’t even know he was doing it. Most people are not connected to their intuition or know how to identify it, but they use it all the time. So my guess is, he is pretty sensitive energetically and maybe doesn’t know that about himself.
So what is the next step for you? What are going to do to start to face your fears? This is no way for you to live! You deserve soooooo much more than living with this level of fear. All that people that harmed you in your past, are still stopping you from being free to experience the fullness of life. What happened to you is still happening to you every single day because you haven’t healed and released all the fear, thoughts, feelings, programs, beliefs and trauma energy. Maybe it’s time to really consider letting the past go, so you can be more free in the present.
Heidi
Hi Megan,
I understand how lost you feel without him. Your heart is going to hurt for a while and there are a lot of tears to shed when letting go of love…especially the kind you do not want to let go of. I understand your fear that the longer you guys go without talking, the easier it will be for him to stay away. This may or may not happen. It depends on him.
The thing is, he doesn’t want to help you with your depression. He has communicated that he needs to focus on himself. If he was using marijuana that much, then there is something in him that he needs to face and work through for himself. What is he running from that he needs to use drugs to help him cope with life? Do you know? I know he is blaming a lot of how he is feeling on the relationship, but that is probably the current issue that is triggering him. I’m sure there is A LOT that is happening for him that will start to be revealed if he stays clean, far beyond whatever was happening in the relationship. He needs to just focus on himself right now and not help you through whatever it is that you are going through. You can understand this, yes? It sounds like he is sooooo full with his own issues that he just can’t take one more thing that is challenging. Truly loving someone is trusting their process as well. He knows what he needs and that is not to be in a relationship with you right now. He needs peace and ease as much as he can get right now and it doesn’t sound like that is something that the relationship can offer him right now.
So again…love him enough to let him go through this alone. In the meantime, focus on healing yourself. It doesn’t mean you won’t come back together by letting him go, it just means that if you cross paths again, it will hopefully be under more healthy circumstances.
The thing about wanting him back and doing anything you can to get him back, is it’s all about you. It’s about you getting what you want and need and not considering what he needs. Getting him back is about relieving the pain, right? But if you think about it…if he were to come back, then you guys will just fall into old, harmful patterns and then there is pain in that too. So either way, it’s going to hurt. By getting back together, there is no end to the pain, as you both have a lot of deep healing to do. At least being apart, you can do that deep healing without hurting each other anymore. You both can take a breather, focus on yourselves for a while and maybe come back together down the road, both with a healthier mindset.
It’s soooooo so important for you to really work on the source of your depression. Depression is so heavy and can ruin any connection so fast, so healing whatever is sourcing your depression is the utmost important thing you can focus on, so you don’t bring that into any more relationships and can even help bring you guys back together.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you desperately want him back. So fight for yourself. Fight to become more and more healthy so that you can be more whole and complete on your own first, before getting into a relationship again.
Here is a video that may help you understand what you are going through: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
Heidi
Thank you for sharing! Your struggle is so important and very beautiful. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but it is such an important feeling that you are exploring and you have an incredible amount of courage to acknowledge it! You are doing more than the majority of people, who typically just run away from intense feelings like this.
Do i exist even if nobody acknowledges my existence? If so, what is the purpose of my existence? These are questions that come from a very deep place of woundedness…a part of you that is still carrying the feelings of being anonymous and that you don’t matter. Maybe I suggest an exercise? It’s called left/right handwriting. Use your dominant hand as the adult you and your non-dominant hand as the child part of you and have a written conversation using both hands to represent the 2 parts of you. Your wounded little girl who has felt anonymous needs YOU to acknowledge her. This is an opportunity for you to parent yourself and connect that very sad little girl energy with the love you carry mixed with God’s love. If you are right handed, then you can start with a question like, “I feel you. I can feel your sadness and how consuming it feels. I can feel you wondering what value you have in this world. I’m here for you and I acknowledge you. What would you like to tell me? Tell me more about how you are feeling.” Then put the pen/pencil (my little girl energy likes to use crayons) in the left hand and let that voice write out what she is feeling. The most important thing to do is to listen. DO NOT try and fix anything. Just create a space for that part of you to talk freely and openly about how she is feeling and then your job as the adult/mother is to validate and love her and accept her for EXACTLY as she is. She feels this way for a lot of reasons that are very real and full of hurt. It’s not about others acknowledging you, this is about YOU acknowledging that part of you that is locked away carrying all of these feelings.
i feel like a thing that’s alive. I’m human because i don’t look like an animal or plant or a fish. I’m a woman because i don’t look like a man. But the way i think lines up more with a man than a woman. I actually think more like a man many times. But then…in my studies of exploring all the various ways of the divine feminine, I realized that what I was identifying as being “male” could also be very female. So I’m curious…what ways do you think that you identify as being male? I’m also curious…when you went on those 2 dates with that man, did you feel feminine? He desired you…and you enjoyed being desired. Did you feel like a woman in those moments?
And i feel like a child – totally lost and clueless in a complicated adult world, where the things that matter to everyone else, just don’t matter to me at all. I’m going to remind you of who you are Vino. You are an explorer and seeker. You don’t take things for face value nor do you tend to follow the “norm.” That, in and of itself, means you have great strength. When you explore yourself and life, in the ways that you do, you are going to feel lost sometimes, because you are exploring your own paths and not the ones that were paved for you. That means getting lost, frustrated, confused, feeling alone and having a hard time sometimes. This IS a complicated world and the deeper you dive, the more the complications will show up….AND the more the beauty, vibrancy and aliveness you will get to feel too. The richness and depth of this world is infinite, as is the human experience. That means…we all get to choose how deep we want to go. If you want to follow the “average” path, then that means you go through life asleep, taking things for face value and walking around pretty ignorant. Even at that most surface level of living, there is chaos and uncertainty and hurt. You are a spirit that needs more than that, which means you will be reminded, many times, that what you think you know is actually just a beginning of another rabbit if you so choose to take it. And it’s infinite, so that means, there is ALWAYS more to learn. You ARE a child and that…Vino…is a beautiful thing. That feeling you have means you are realizing you have nothing figured out and it’s all so crazy and complicated and THAT is more true than anything else. You are feeling the truth of who you are and how much of a beginner you are which keeps you humbled and awake and aware that you don’t have everything figured out….and that’s okay! You are exactly where you need to be for growth and expansion.
I just want someone to play with, a place to go home to and some food to eat when i get hungry. Everything else beyond that is just too much to deal with. This made me smile. I get it…believe me. The truth is though…you would get bored pretty quickly if this is all you did. You are so much more than a life this simple. You are an expansive, curious soul that needs stimulation in order to stay engaged in your life.
i hate it because it makes me feel like i’m totally wasting my own time trying to exist. Because it’s hard to exist. And when there’s no reason to exist, it makes the struggle even more meaningless. Too much effort for no good reason.
Let’s explore this a little more. You have some kind of program or story running in your system telling you that you need to have a “purpose” to exist. I’m not sure what that purpose looks like to you. Why does there have to be a reason? What kind of reason would make you feel like your life has a purpose? What kinds of reasons would make you feel like you are not wasting your time?Heidi
Hi Megan,
First, I am sooooo so sorry about what you are going through. It’s a completely powerless feeling to have to watch someone you love, slip through your fingers and not be able to do anything about it.
What is happening between the both of you that it’s gotten to this point. The thing is, regardless of the connection and love, there is arguing or something else happening that is much stronger and destroying that connection. He is now experiencing physical discomfort because of the stress. So what’s the stress? It sounds like your relationship with him is pretty dysfunctional and the communication is harmful. No relationship can sustain that. I wish love were enough, but it just isn’t.
Tell me more about what he triggers in you. He said you are toxic. How? What does he mean by that?
You are working with a therapist. What for?I understand you want him back, but the thing is, the relationship doesn’t work and if he came back right now, you guys would just fall into the same patterns of destructive behaviors/communication. He doesn’t want to go back into that design as he shouldn’t. So if you want him back, it’s about YOU making some real changed, deep inside, that shift your behavior and shift how you communicate with him. You only have control over yourself, so that’s your only choice at this point. He also needs to get himself back on track and it sounds like he is figuring out a way to do that for right now. He is right in that you each need to focus on yourselves right now and do some healing and stop hurting each other and stop causing each other stress.
So what would you say would be the first thing you would want to focus on to become a better partner?
Heidi
