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Hi Joanne,
I know how difficult this is. You strongly connected with him and it’s incredibly difficult to let go of a connection that feels this strong. I’m glad you are also acknowledging that he is not respecting you and he is unavailable and it’s time to let him go.
As far as the baby shower, let it go. You don’t need to explain anything to him. Explanations are for people that you want to keep in your life…he is not that person. He is not respectful nor caring for your heart and he keeps trying to pull you in for HIS needs, without caring about what it’s doing to you. He is only caring about himself. You owe him nothing. He is NOT part of your life anymore Joanne. Do not send a gift, do not go and yes, unfollow them on IG. Completely disconnect and become unavailable as you are choosing that it’s over…so act as if it’s over. I know how hard this would be, but it’s what it’s going to take to truly care about yourself and protect yourself from being pulled back in.
It’s over Joanne. There is nothing left to do, say, or be except to focus on healing the hurt from letting go of the fantasy and dream you created with him. And honestly, from what you have told me about why he chose to have a baby with this woman, you are being rescued here. There is NO way this guy would be able to have an intimate, deep, authentic, nourishing, long term relationship with you. He is NOT emotionally set up for that. I know right now it doesn’t feel like it, but one day you will look back and be sooooo thankful you didn’t get caught up in this mess. Love yourself enough to get away from this web of chaos that he is creating.
Heidi
Hi Gerry,
You might want to check out this healing modality. You might find that it helps you! There is a center near me that I took my dog to when he got sick and I was shocked that his illness healed after a week when the average time was 6-8 weeks. I got the benefit too and I LOVED how it made me feel. Anyways, scroll to the bottom of the home page and watch the interview so you can understand more about the modality. Not sure there is a place near where you live, but it doesn’t hurt to look! https://eesystem.com/
I understand how powerful it is to have someone make you feel something so special and unique. Let’s talk about this a little more. Most people do not understand that just because there is a strong or special connection, it doesn’t mean that it’s “clear.” Here is what I mean by that…many times, when we end up having a super strong connection with someone who is NOT healthy for us, there is A LOT of wounded energy influencing the intensity. For example, I used to be STRONGLY attracted to guy who were emotionally unavailable because I had a father and a TON of experience that taught me that was how it worked, even though in my head, I knew better. I watched myself over and over and over again fall for guys who were not available KNOWING that I was stepping into drama and hurt and that my wounded self was in the driver’s seat. That wounded self was my young side that carried all the trauma and believed that when I finally caught that guy, I was finally chosen or “worth it.” It was such a STRONG STRONG force running in my system and man did I have very intense connections full of games and dysfunction. Then…when I finally faced myself and those negative beliefs, my low self esteem, and worked with my wounded self, my attraction completely changed. Those unavailable guys became completely uninteresting. They no longer had any pull over me. Why? Because I finally started to love myself more and more. I started having the feelings of “Why would I spend any of my very valuable time and energy with a guy who isn’t inspired by me? I am worth knowing and the right guy will instantly know that.”
I hope this example gives you an idea of what I’m talking about. Wounded energy and low self esteem is INCREDIBLY powerful and will pull us into connections with people that perpetuate the wounded energy. I’m not saying there isn’t an organic reason that this guy is something special, because there IS something special about him in your life AND he is not healthy for you, yet you have held onto him for over 2 decades. That, in and of itself, is letting you know that there is some wounded energy that is causing you to keep participating in this toxic dynamic. One thing I always guide people to ask is “Is it a loving thing TO ME, to love this person? Is it a kind and caring thing TO ME, to keep connecting and opening my heart to this person?” When the answer is no and you keep moving forward anyways, you are choosing to betray yourself. That choice is a reflection of where you are disconnected from loving, caring, and honoring your very special and sacred heart. So..that then means that this strong connection you feel for him is full of wounded energy living within you and it is driving you back to him over and over and over again.
Does this make sense? This is a super difficult concept to explain over this platform, so make sure you keep asking questions.How do you let this go? The big picture is, look for what is happening within you, that would cause you to make this man more important than you. What is happening within you, that you are choosing to betray yourself? Where is this coming from? Why are you devaluing yourself? What is it that you want from him, that you are not willing to do for yourself? These are questions that help you being exploring within yourself. However, with this kind of pattern, it typically is deep rooted and to unroot this pattern and create a new one, you will need some expert help. That is how I was able to free myself…I had to do a lot of healing work with an expert. It’s not an easy journey, but one worth taking. So for now, it’s about educating yourself about this pattern you have with this guy. It’s time for you to start to get to know yourself on a much deeper level and connect to your patterns, negative beliefs, low self-esteem, and your “shadow side” (that’s what a lot of healers call it). It doesn’t negate your high self-esteem, your powerful / sensitive heart, your beauty, your brilliance and all the goodness that lives within you. It just means you are exploring the darker side of yourself that will always live with you until your last breath. Being more in relationship with that side of yourself means you are more empowered to shift the power it has in your life.
I’m saying a lot right now and it’s pretty deep stuff, so hopefully it’s not too much for you. It’s hard to gauge on this platform sometimes.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Amber,
I will answer here, but can you start a thread just for yourself? It’s easier for us coaches to keep track of everyone that way.
Are you concerned he is cheating? This relationship is so new, so it’s interesting that you might be worried about that. Have you been cheated on in the past with other relationships?
Have you guys agreed to be exclusive?
Have you asked him about why he is not connecting as much?
It’s not unusual for a guy to pull away after a bit. In the beginning it’s very exciting, but then sometimes a guy will pull away because he needs to refocus and re-organize his day, his time, and how he moves through life. Men can be VERY different with women and how they “need” to connect. For women, it’s such a natural thing to connect. For men, it takes a little more work. Many times, women move much faster than men. Women make time and space for a guy in their life where men try to figure how to fit a woman into his life without changing other things. I don’t know if this is happening for him though. He may have lost interest or he may just need a little break from connecting so much with you.
Do you have friends you can go out with? Do you have activities that you can do to keep you more busy? It might be a good idea to keep busy and connect with him less. Stop making efforts to connect and let him to come to you. If he doesn’t end up reaching out for many days, then you need to know that about him. He NEEDS to make the effort if this connection is going to grow into something, so give him space to do that. You making less effort might actually inspire him to want to reach out more. He needs to feel that within himself too.
How do you feel about this approach?
Remember to reply to this message on your own thread.
Thanks! Heidi
Hi Gerry!
Welcome!!! It’s okay that you are nervous. It’s not unusual. Well done for moving forward despite some anxiety!
I love that you are here and asking for some guidance. Whatever is happening with your health, is it something that is able to be resolved?
I understand you don’t want to lose anymore time. I’m so sorry to say this, but the best thing you can do for yourself is to let him go. Despite the amazing connection you both have with each other, his fear is bigger. I don’t know what his fears are about, but it’s pretty obvious through his pattern, that he is NOT set up emotionally to be truly be emotionally intimate with a woman. This is not about you trying to get him to talk, this is about a LIFE-LONG coping mechanism that he has and has never dealt with. Love and connection is no match against this coping mechanism. He is protecting himself and the ONLY way to bring those walls down and have him connect, is from him. It’s not about you and it’s NOT something for anyone to do for him…this is something that NEEDS to come from him…and it sounds like he just is not willing. If he isn’t willing to step into a relationship with you after connecting on and off for 24 years, then I don’t see it happening.
He is playing a pretty hurtful game with you. He is pulling you in close by telling you all the things you have deeply wanted to hear and then he is pulling away and becoming unavailable. Whatever it is that he is saying to you, it has no action behind it. The thing is, he KNOWS he can treat you this way because you are always willing to reconnect whenever he needs a dose of you. You are the one teaching him that this pattern is okay because you are willingly participating in HIS design of connection.
Someone who truly cares about you has their words AND actions in alignment. Anything less than that is toxic and harmful. Look what it’s doing to you. You are spending sooooooo much of your time and energy on a guy who is not emotionally available for you. You have been in the “chasing” energy, trying to pull him closer to you for over 2 decades, which basically is telling him that he gets to treat you any way that he wants and you will ALWAYS be there for him. This is a very toxic pattern Gerry. It’s harmful and unkind to your heart…but it’s YOU being unkind to yourself.
I understand how powerful the connection is with him. I understand how good it feels to hear what you have always wanted to hear. AND…you are constantly betraying yourself and abandoning yourself and your needs, just so you can stay connected to a guy who “breadcrumbs” you. This is not love. This is not kind. This is harmful. And he is not going to change. He is who he is. If he is ever going to change, he needs to get help in order to face his fears. But why should he? He gets what he wants and needs from you whenever he needs it, right?
I always tell people, if you cannot love and accept the person for EXACTLY who they are, then say goodbye. If you want to stay connected and keep going through this cycle with him, you absolutely get to do that. Just know it’s going to keep hurting and it’s going to keep driving you crazy. It’s supposed to feel like that, because your system is trying to scream at you “THIS IS NOT OKAY!!” You cannot change him. So if you want to stay connected, embrace and accept your choice to do so. Or…you can decide that you don’t want to participate in this type of connection anymore and you can close the door and heal – and then open yourself up to a new experience.
I am wondering…have you been holding onto this guy partly because he accepts you in your wheelchair? I imagine you might feel like you have so little choice, so this one guy was willing to connect anyways and maybe you are holding onto him, because if he is gone…the prospect of another guy coming along and able to love you as you are, is minimal. Are these part of your feelings?
Heidi
Hi Joanne,
Thank you for sharing what you did! I can feel your heartbreak, confusion, and frustration. I understand that you feel guilt and regret that you passed something up that “could have been” pretty great.
I’m going to give you a dose of reality here, in hopes that it will bring this guy down off of the pedestal you put him on. Part of why you are suffering, is you have created this HUGE story and fantasy around him…believing that he was the best thing that ever happened to you and that it could have been really great and you that you missed this major opportunity.
I’m going to counteract this fantasy with one BIG fact that would tell you otherwise. He chose to have a child with another woman…a woman whom he doesn’t even really love or care for. I don’t know or understand all the dynamics here of course, but if you just look at the end result, it tells you a bit about who he is. He CHOSE to have a baby with her. He is choosing to stay with her, cheat on her and continue to profess his love for you. This guy is quite messy right now. What was happening for him that he chose to be with a woman, have a baby with her, when he is not madly in love with her? You said that his girlfriend wanted to have his child. I’m wondering if her “wanting” him, made him feel chosen and so he gave into that, even though she is not someone he is deeply bonding and connecting with. That is a guy choosing a woman AND a baby from a place of a lot of low self esteem. And then…instead of really embracing his choice, he cheats on her with you and I have no doubt he would do it again. He is breaking his integrity all over the place. He is betraying himself on the deepest level. What is he doing about it? I doubt he is doing anything about it. Is he seeing a therapist? Is he getting help to work through all his feelings? Nope. Instead he is connecting with you and nourishing the relationship with you, a woman he deeply loves, so he can get his fix. He is trying to have it all, so he doesn’t have to face his choice. The more he connects with you, the less he has to face the consequences of his choice. You give him a lot of pain relief. As long as he gets to nourish the love he feels for you, then he doesn’t really have to feel the emptiness he feels when he is with her. So all you are doing is allowing him to use you. He is not willing to face himself and why should he? He gets to connect with you and nourish the love AND he gets to have his girlfriend and new baby on the way. I know he has true feelings for you, but instead of making a CLEAR choice and being authentic and honest with EVERYONE involved, he is drinking up all the attention he gets to have from you and from her. RED FLAG RED FLAG RED FLAG!!!! He is split, breaking his integrity, and feels completely okay doing being that kind of guy. This matters Joanne. I know he is great and I know you have super strong feelings for him AND he showing you how he handles stress. He is showing you that he is the kind of guy who can cheat, the kind of guy who lets his feelings and emotions guide him into a big mess, and he is the kind of guy who isn’t facing himself and really looking at why he put himself in this situation in the first place.
So….as wonderful and amazing as he is, he is also showing you the kind of partner he is would during challenging times. We are ALL messy, of course. His messiness however, is the kind of messiness that breaks trust and safety in a relationship. His messiness is quite selfish, as he is serving himself and NOT honoring you and what you need, and definitely NOT honoring his commitment to his girlfriend. I’m not judging him on any level. I’m just giving you the facts here, in effort to give you a reality check that this guy’s shadow side is damaging and the odds of having a great relationship with him are pretty low. The good stuff is phenomenal, but the not so good stuff is also pretty impactful and the type of stuff that leads to an ending over time. This guy needs to get a HUGE reality check. He needs to grow up real fast as he is about to be a father. He needs to stop messing around with you and decide his path. The ONLY way he will be forced into that, is if you become unavailable for him to connect to and get his “fix” of love from you. I know it’s incredibly difficult for you to let him go, but it truly is the most loving thing you can do for him and for you. Does this make sense?
With all of that being said, it’s VERY important Joanne, to let go of the guilt and regret, because those feelings are based on fantasies you have made up about him and the life you “would have had” together…and those fantasies don’t take into account the kind of guy he is during challenging times. Whenever something doesn’t work out, whether it’s due to bad timing or a connection that just doesn’t work for whatever reason…TRUST IT!!! Having dated for decades and having a handful of serious relationships, I TRULY saw how things always worked out in ways I could have never imagined. So whenever it didn’t work out with a guy, I always told myself “You are being rescued from something you cannot see yet. Trust that there is wisdom in the “not working out” journey, even if you don’t know what that wisdom is.
I get it…I don’t know a person alive who isn’t afraid of getting hurt again. Love is a risk and there ALWAYS is the potential for an ending…even after being together for 30 years. That is just the reality of love and there is no way around it. It’s scary. So you have a choice Joanne. You can let your fear of getting hurt keep you small and unavailable OR you can be afraid and still choose to keep your heart open for the experience of love and connection. Whatever it is that you went through in your past, DO NOT let it steal the joy, nourishment, encouragement, support, and love that out there waiting for you to grab it. Whatever happened, you made it through and you are still here today and you loved again. That just tells you that you are strong enough to handle being hurt. That just tells you that you want to love – and that love is GUARANTEED to hurt you Joanne. That’s part of relationships and it’s part of the love journey AND you can handle it. You can heal. There is ALWAYS a way to heal from hurt. The truth here is, you don’t trust YOURSELF and your ability to heal and that is what is stopping you from going out there. If you KNEW, in every cell of your being, how strong you are, how resilient you are, how supported and cared about you are – and if you had the skills, knowledge, and process of how to process and heal from any and all hurt, do you really think you would be playing small and hiding? Nope. You would feel safe within YOURSELF that no matter what happens in your life, you can handle it. Maybe talk about this with your therapist…how do you begin to build trust and safety in yourself FIRST???
Heidi
Hi Joanne,
My apologies for not getting back to you sooner. Sunday and Monday are my days off.
I’m glad you are able to connect to the truth that he is not available for you. I know how hard this is for you! I know it’s going to hurt, but you are choosing yourself over a very chaotic, unpredictable and unstable connection with this guy. Well done!
I agree. No need for a conversation. The reason I say this is because you love him and even though you said you didn’t want to kiss him, he kept forcing the issue and caused you to give in. This could very well happen again. He knows how you feel and he has feelings as well and it’s very possible he will do everything he can to change your mind and pull you back in again. You need to honor that you are vulnerable and that means protecting yourself. Protecting yourself means NOT putting yourself in a situation where something could happen between you guys again. Your mother DOES NOT need to meet him. He is no longer going to be part of your life. You can point him out to her, but leave it at that. Don’t create any kind of connection between him and her. Leave him out of your life. He doesn’t get to have you AND his girlfriend of choice and baby. He needs to face the fullness of his choices and that means letting go of you.
DO NOT go to the baby shower. Again, it’s not healthy for you and it’s not healthy for him. Stay away and let him have complete peace and enjoyment of his baby shower without dealing with the dynamic between you guys. Who cares how it looks to other people. Who cares what people expect. Their baby shower is not appropriate for you to go to.
As far as how to handle the last few weeks, just be cordial and nice….leave it at that. No more texting, no more conversations, no more anything. If he asks what’s going on, you can simply say…”It’s not appropriate for you and I to have our friendship anymore. We both have feelings for each other, but that’s something we need to say goodbye to. So I’m letting go and moving on.” Simple, short, no emotion (because once you get emotional, he knows how to capitalize on that) and straight forward. That’s how guys communicate, so he will get it. The more emotionally unavailable you are to him, the more clear the message will be about how serious you are about it. The more emotional and connective you are, the less serious he will take you and he most likely try to change your mind….which will just get you both into a lot of trouble. You are too raw and sensitive and vulnerable right now, so again, protect yourself.
As far as down the road and becoming friends again, the rule I always follow is: you cannot become friends until you feel indifferent towards him. Meaning, you have NO attraction, NO romantic love, NO desire to connect deeply, you don’t need anything from him….then you can be friends. The thing is, you need to heal completely. If there is even a grain of sand desire of wanting to connect with him, that can EASILY grow and get you into trouble again. You will never be able to be friends with him again the way you were, as that is inappropriate while he is with another woman. You will just end up back where you are now. You can be acquaintances possibly. It all depends on him and the situation he is in. Personally, I would just stay away, focus on healing your heart completely and DO NOT let him in until that has happened. IF your paths cross again down the road after you have moved on, you will deal with it at that point.
No matter what happens, you NEED to adhere to your standards. You will not let a man into your life if he not fully and completely available for you. Anything less than that is not an option.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’m glad you are align with feeling okay about letting this guy go. You are 100% correct in that you don’t really know this guy and it absolutely does NOT need to be this hard. It less about whether or not he is interested and more about the amount of fear he is carrying around. Fear is soooooo so powerful, especially when it comes to romance. I have seen a people walk away from healthy, beautiful connections, because the fear of feeling happy go too big and took over. Most people are walking around with so much baggage about love, that they don’t trust feeling good. My guess is, this guy falls into that category.
It takes GREAT strength to face those fears. Look for a guy who will face his fears instead of letting it run their life and make the decisions for them. Look for a guy who has resources to help him through life. Does he have a coach or therapist? Does he have friends that offer him healthy, wise perspectives? Does he have a natural, instinctive drive to learn about himself (i.e. reads books, listens to podcasts, attends seminars etc.)? Is he curious about himself? These are qualities that live within a man who faces his fears. These are qualities of a good teammate to go through life with. It’s obviously no guarantee of anything, however the odds are stacked for a successful, long term connection.
And…these are qualities you need to embody within yourself as well. Never ask for something from someone that you don’t offer in return. One of the many universal guidelines for healthy connection.
Heidi
Hi Joanne,
I am so sorry for what you are going through. It sounds like a very complicated and confusing situation for you to have such a deep connection with a man who is not available to you anymore. It’s so sad that he is with someone he doesn’t love and is having a child with. They are in for a super long journey together.
I’m just going to be quite blunt here. He is not available for you in the way you want. That is your answer. I know you feel you love him and I know there is a strong bond, but that doesn’t change he is not available for you. He is with someone else and he is expecting a child…a life changing event WITH HER…not you. I know you want him to leave her to be with you, but that is stepping into a HUGE mess with a gazillion feelings that is going to create a messy situation. Why? Because he isn’t clear. He has a girlfriend and expecting a son. It’s natural for 2 people to want to try and stay together. Even if he chose you, he is going to have to be by her side MANY times as she goes through bringing his son into the world. She is going to need his help. They are a team now…it’s new, it’s exciting, it’s stressful, it’s scary, it’s magical….it’s sooooooo many things that will end up making you a 3rd wheel. There will be MANY times he will NEED to choose her over spending time with you. He will be VERY torn and split, not wanting to hurt you or her while trying to support his son. It’s a super messy scenario Joanne. And one where the odds of you getting hurt quite a bit are quite high.
So again…the reality is, he is not available. Plain and simple. He cannot offer you his undivided, full attention the way you want. He cannot offer you his full heart. He cannot offer you all of his time. He is NOT clear and he is torn about what to do, hence him suggesting to “focus on school right now.” He is just delaying what he already knows…he is confused and torn and rightly so.
It’s not fair to give him an ultimatum. It would be one thing if a child was not on the way. He is about to be a father and you want him to choose between the mother and you even before this child has come into the world? That just doesn’t work. It doesn’t matter how strong the love and connection is between you guys, he has a son coming from another woman and that is VERY confusing.
He needs to figure out his life. He may need to stay with her for awhile and partner up with her and do the very instinctive “nesting” thing parents do for their child. It may be good enough to stay together for a while. It may not. Who knows. Either way, he needs to go find out. That means it’s important for you to step out of the picture. You need to love yourself more than you love the connection with him. Loving yourself means choosing you over a guy who is not available for you. Loving yourself means protecting your very sacred heart and your very special love from a situation that will bring a lot of hurt into your life. Loving yourself means you say no to a man who is not available and yes to another experience where the man is ready to offer you the world with NOTHING standing in the way.I know this is not what you want to hear. I know it hurts deeply to let go of this beautiful connection you both have together. It’s incredibly difficult AND it’s only temporary. You can heal and say goodbye to this version of love. Love is like a tree. There are many branches that are alive and branches that die off, but there is always the potential for new life.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Teresa,
I understand what many of the advice books say. I’ve been a dating coach for over 20 years.
Let me break it down for you so you understand why this “game” actually works and why it is misinterpreted and a very toxic game. There are MANY layers to this, so let’s keep talking about this. If you are not very good at this relationship stuff, it’s time to change that. You need to become more educated and really start to be more purposeful in your approach.
1. The guys like the “chase” only in the sense that most guys LOVE a confident woman. A confident woman has requirements. A confident has standards as to how she is treated and if the guy falls short of that, she will not engage. This is a healthy type of confidence. A man loves to feel like his woman has her life together, has her own opinions, has the ability to take care of herself and that she doesn’t actually NEED him…she wants him, but she doesn’t NEED him. A confident woman also allows a man to come into her life and is in a receiving state with him, meaning she allows herself to need to him because it’s a healthy dynamic, BUT when her man is not available for some reason, or cannot help…she also knows how to take care of herself and get things done. She is resourceful and she KNOWS her power. She doesn’t give away her value…meaning she doesn’t determine her value in this world according to that man standing in front of her. She knows her value because she has self love.
This game, the way a lot of books describe it, about getting a guy to “chase” you is a very toxic way to create connection, because it isn’t authentic. Ignoring a guy when that is not what you want to do, just to get his attention, is a game created from a lot of low self-esteem. The woman wants to be wanted and will play games to get a guy to chase her when in reality, she is not doing a loving thing for herself. A woman with confidence doesn’t play this “I’m going to ignore you and pretend I don’t care about you” game because if a guy isn’t interested, she honors and trusts that and ONLY is interested in a guy who wants to court her and chase her because he is INSPIRED by her, not because she is ignoring him. Do you see the difference?
And just because you like a guy, it doesn’t mean that is a good match for you. It’s JUST chemistry. Although the chemistry feeling is a seriously powerful drug, the problem is, people get wrapped ups in that feeling and don’t actually look at the FULL picture of a person. Chemistry is NOT a reason to enter into a connection with someone and invite them into your life. You need to look at how that guy behaves in his life.
Studies have shown that it’s the WORST in someone that breaks connection. Meaning…it’s the shadow side, the ineffective side, the darker side of someone that determines the success of a relationship. So when I coach a woman through dating, I guiding them to look for the worst in a man. What is he like when he is stressed? Angry? Upset? How does he treat you? How does he treat others? As you have already experienced, he went from being super connective and helpful to you through your injury and then he quickly put his walls up and disconnected. This is a HUGE red flag. He is full of fear. You got a very small window in how he will respond during stress. He will quickly pull away and become unavailable for you instead of talking with you and working through things together. This type of coping mechanism he has means he is NOT a good person to hand your heart over to. He is not an honest communicator and when his fear is big enough, he will leave you high and dry. Is this something you are going to ignore?
Do you really want to a guy to chase you who already has run from you? Don’t you feel like you want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you? Don’t you want a guy who chases you because he is inspired by you and he WANTS to know you without you having to play games?I’ll stop there. There is much more to all of this. Let me know your thoughts.
Heidi
Hi Teresa,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you are here, as there are some things to pay attention to.
First, some of your behavior is passive-aggressive and that is DEFINITELY something common amongst women and a tactic that many men get turned off by. The “I’m ignoring you and pretending you don’t matter” game is not something guys typically respond to either. I understand you wanting to play hard to get, but what is bigger than that…is he knows it’s a game you are playing.
I love how considerate and kind he was with you helping you with your injury, but this relationship has definitely not gotten off to a great start. You BOTH are struggling here.
Here is the thing Teresa…you don’t need to play games. You can just be who you are and if he likes that, then great! If not, he is not a good match for you, regardless of how you feel about him. I don’t know what is going on with him that he got scared so easily, but what he showed you, was that he is easily scared and he pulled away. This is a HUGE RED FLAG!!! He doesn’t seem to know what he wants and that, in and of itself, means he is NOT AVAILABLE for you in the way you want. You keep trying to connect with him by texting him once a week and then you ignore him at the pub. You are sending mixed messages as well.
The best thing you can do right now, is get very clear in who you are. He needs to feel like you are NOT playing games. He needs to feel like you won’t say one thing and then do another. He needs to feel like you are authentic.
Even at that Teresa, if this guy is going hot and then cold so quickly and saying he doesn’t want a relationship and wants to focus on work…LISTEN TO HIM!!! Whatever is happening for him, he is not ready for something serious, yet you keep chasing him. I know he treated you really well and that you believe you guys would be great together AND he doesn’t feel the same way.
Let him go. Don’t you want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you? Don’t you want a guy who is ALL in and on the same exact page with you? Relationships are difficult, so you want to add an extra layer of difficulty by trying to get the attention of a guy who is clearly confused and easily scared? Connecting and stepping into a connection with a guy needs to be easy. Being on the same page means that the other challenges that show up with getting to know each other go much more smooth. With this guy being soooooo easily spooked already, can you imagine what he would be like at the first sign of confrontation or difficulty in the relationship?? Yikes! He is not the kind of guy who would stick around. Already with this first challenge, you are seeing that he put his walls up, he isn’t initiating connection with you, it put you into the behavior of being manipulative and game playing…and you guys barely know each other!!!
I want to encourage you to let this guy go and open up yourself to other opportunities where the guy IS available and curious about you and who will fight for you. THAT is what is healthy….not chasing after an unavailable guy.
I know this is probably not what you wanted to hear. I would rather encourage you to set some seriously strong standards as to how you are treated. The more you value yourself and how you are treated, the easier it will be to attract a guy who aligns with your standards EASILY!! Chasing after a guy who doesn’t value you, is YOU teaching him that you don’t value yourself. He can ignore you, he can play games with you and you are teaching him that you will play those games back. We are the ones who teach each person how to treat us by accepting or rejecting their behaviors. People will be who they will be, but we get to say yes or no to that. How about spending your time focusing on yourself instead of trying to change his mind? The funny thing is, many times a guy will all of a sudden be attracted to that kind of self confidence over the game playing they can spot a mile away. Ignoring someone because you are playing hard to get is very transparent and wreaks of insecurity. Ignoring someone because you value yourself is an attractive energy because it’s confidence.
Stop contacting him. Be willing to lose him, because he is not interested in being on the same page as you. From there, let the chips fall where they may. He may find that attractive or he may move on…who knows. Either way, you will be respecting and valuing yourself and if he responds to that at some point, then you guys will be off to a much better start. If he doesn’t, then you know he just doesn’t match what you need.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Okay. I understand this. Moving on and healing a broken heart looks different for each person and how they go about it.
What you need to be careful of and pay attention to, is wanting him back. When you are spending your time, thoughts, and energy on imagining coming back together and hoping for a conversation that will bring you back together – that’s keeping you stuck in pain and suffering and preventing you from healing. It’s keeping you in fantasy land and not connected to the pain he caused and the dysfunction that existed, and will always exist, within the connection. You want to keep working towards keeping grounded in reality. It’s absolutely okay to miss him AND not want him back. I know you are not at this place quite yet, but keep working towards it! You can get there!
Heidi
It sounds like you are very clear about what you want to do. I’m glad that book is helping you and that you are enjoying reading it! I hope it can help him too.
You both have a lot to figure out and it sounds like you are going to keep fighting for him and that’s clear for you. Keep learning and growing…that’s the most any of us can do.
Heidi
Thank you for sharing.
It’s so hard when our furry companions get sick. I’m sure he is having a hard time with that.
I’m proud of you that you went and you made it through!!! Yes, a lot of tears need to keep coming Cindi. You have a lifetime of wounds that have never been dealt with. You have a lifetime of pain that got activated through this loss. These tears are NOT just about him. It’s about EVERYTHING. It’s about every time you felt rejected, abandoned, criticized, let down, and not fought for.
Your tears are honoring all the years you didn’t cry and all the years you buried your hurt. Give it time.I realized I’m not ready to let him go, that I’m tired of pretending I don’t miss him, and that I’m going to get up off that ledge for now. I’m not sure what this means. Why are you pretending you don’t miss him? What does it mean that you don’t want to let him go. You want to keep feeding the fantasy? You want to try and keep in touch with him and start a relationship with him again? Do you think it would go differently? In reality Cindi, he isn’t interested. No matter the fantasy you want to feed and keep alive, it won’t change that he is not willing to go there with you. Are you hoping that over time, he will open back up to you again? How long are you going to wait for that to happen before you decide that you are going to let go?
Do you see how this is an addiction Cindi? It’s NOT love. This is addiction. You don’t know how to be okay without him. So you are grasping at anything you can to help relieve the pain. That’s why deciding you don’t want to let him go brought you some relieve. You are giving into the drug again and allowing the illusion of “love” to take over so you can decrease your discomfort. I understand. It’s what all of us do. I’ve done it many times. I’m not going to tell you not to do that. This is your journey and if you have to go another round of rejection with this guy in order to really know that he is toxic for you, then that’s what you gotta do. All I can do is keep grounding you in the truth of the situation. The TRUTH is…he is not available for you nor able to offer you the kind of love you so deeply crave. He is limited. He is no different than your narcissistic husband….emotionally unavailable…yes it has a different flavor to it, but in the end, the core of your ex husband and the core of this guy is exactly the same….emotionally unavailable. You are making the same exact choice again. Do you really want to go another 10 years in a relationship that is going to put you in survival mode? Another relationship where your needs don’t matter? Another relationship where you all you do is server HIS needs and abandon your own? Again…if you need to go another round with this pattern of yours, you absolutely get to do that! You are not in enough pain to say goodbye to this pattern. You would rather have connection with a man than to connect and love yourself and honor what is best for you. I understand. I have done that MANY MANY times…KNOWING exactly what I was doing…addictions are much stronger than what we know is best for us. I kept working my issues though. I kept reading, learning, going to workshops, doing VERY DEEP therapy that got at the core root of my patterns and fears…and I finally got to a place where I make COMPLETELY different decisions for myself. I love myself MORE THAN any connection I might feel with a man.
Keep fighting for yourself Cindi. You are a role model for your kids too. They are watching you and learning from you. Keep fighting for more in your life.
Heidi
Celia,
If you don’t like drugs and don’t want to be around a druggie, then why are you fighting for this guy? You cannot save him. It’s HIS job to save himself.
I don’t think it’s fair for him to talk to me about his problems if he doesn’t want me helping simple as that he should keep those specific things to himself bc he knows I like to help and or unless he wanted me to fail and mess up again that wasn’t fair. I would have appreciated if he also didn’t info dump me with whatever he did and that when his grandma died he did coke You list all of these things he “shouldn’t” be doing, but what you are not realizing is THIS IS WHO HE IS. You cannot change who he is. He has every right to be EXACTLY who he wants to be. YOUR choice is to either accept him for who he is or don’t. It seems like you are expecting HIM to know what works for you and what doesn’t and that you want HIM to behave in a certain way so YOU can feel comfortable and good. This is just not how it works in relationship. If your guy is doing drugs to cope, that is a CLEAR sign that he has ZERO ability to deal with any of your stressors…he can’t even deal with his own. So I’m not sure what you are actually wanting with this guy. He is druggie, he has no ability to handle stress in a healthy way, and regardless of the feelings you have, it’s clear that this is a very challenging relationship for you. Why do you keep fighting for him?
Helping people doesn’t mean you have to offer advice or even do anything. Many times, helping someone means JUST LISTENING and doing nothing more than that. You validate, you listen, you let them vent and THAT’S IT! That, all by itself, is actually quite powerful.
And I don’t believe that’s who he is that’s satan controlling his emotions no one is like this satan goes into the minds and f ppl up. It doesn’t matter what you believe Celia. You can believe it’s Satan or you can believe it’s something else. What matters is that HE IS WHO HE IS. If it is Satan controlling his emotions, then that’s just what is. It’s between him and Satan and he will keep treating you this way and keep treating himself this way as long as Satan has control of him. So, whatever your belief is, it doesn’t change that he is messy, a druggie, he needs help and you are not the person to help him. He needs professional help. You want a romantic relationship with him and that just is not going to happen. He doesn’t know how to love someone Celia. He doesn’t even know how to take care of himself, let alone take care of a romantic partner and care about their feelings. He uses drugs to escape from his feelings.
The reality is Celia, he cannot offer you what you want. It’s time to let him go.
Heidi
