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but I find it difficult to determine which situations are worth me making a statement, and standing up for myself, versus which ones I should just let go. This is a great statement. The answer is simple, but the execution of it, is very layered and dynamic. The answer is, ALL your feelings ALWAYS matter. So the first thing to do is to take ownership of your own feelings and NOT blame them on him. If you understand that he could do the same exact behavior and not trigger someone else, then you know that your reactions are your own. Your feelings and emotions are NOT facts. Your feelings are just stories you have created about a scenario and that story is based on YOUR past. So here is a basic guideline to ALWAYS follow. I use a scale of 1-10. If my reaction is over a 5, I first deal with the intensity of my reaction, the stories that come up, my feelings and I explore what got triggered. Whenever we are over a 5, our brains enter into a more primal state and we lose the ability to think clearly. So whenever I confront, I REQUIRE myself to be under a 5. This is when I know my brain is much more clear and I have access to my higher thinking, problem solving part of my brain. Next, it’s important for you to understand that it is NEVER his responsibility to make sure you are happy. So whenever presenting a challenge you are having with him, you present it in a way that gives him a choice instead of demanding. I like to use this formula: “When you do or say_______________, this is how it makes me feel. I know you don’t want me to feel this way, so would you mind exploring this with me so we can do it a different way?” Use whatever words you want, but you are communicating how his behavior is affecting you and let him FEEL that. When you tell him he “needs to make you a priority” that is controlling and demanding that will shut anyone off. Do you see the difference?
There are many more things to consider, but I’ll stop there and let you digest this. Let me know what you think and how this feels for you.
From what you said, I saw that he introduced you to his friends, he did schedule dinner for Valentine’s Day which means he was listening and caring about you, he kept wanting to work things out with you and he did want to be exclusive with you. It sounds like he gave you a little more than his reputation says. I don’t know though. He is the only one who truly knows.
Heidi
Hi Deborah! Welcome! What brings you here? Is there a question you have or guidance we can offer?
I know it feels like there are slim pickings at the 50+ age range. Are you newly on the dating market? What’s happening in your romantic life?
Heidi
Hi Michele!
Welcome! I’m curious about your question. Why do you want to change his mind? How well do you know this guy? Do you know why he doesn’t feel ready?
It sounds like he is pretty clear that he is not ready and not available for anything romantic. Trying to convince him otherwise is just asking for A LOT of challenges. If he is resisting even BEFORE things get started, it’s not going to change until he feels TRULY ready. Can you trust that he knows himself well enough and he doesn’t want to lead you on?
Heidi
Here is a good air filter. I’ve researched them quite a bit and this is a great price and really good quality as well: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01JKDAN2M/ref=ox_sc_saved_title_1?smid=A2IEDZAWBB03ZE&psc=1
I didn’t realize you were making 50% less money. I thought you originally said you were getting paid more with this job. Wow. That’s quite a hit financially. My guess is, you took this opportunity because anything was better than where you were at and you loved the idea of the job itself. You will be taken care of. You always have been, so somehow, all of this is going to work for you. I’m glad you hired someone who can help you find a place. It’s going to bring more peace of mind, which is what you need right now. You’ll find your new home, you will get to know your community, you will find your places to explore and the stress will start to lessen as you create and connect with your new home.
Have you ever tried listening to binural beats to help you sleep? Also, there is an app called “Endel” that has sleep sounds created by the most recent scientific research. Their sounds are very soothing. They have some for during the day as well to help with focus or energizing.
Heidi
Hi Grace,
Thank you for sharing all of this. We are glad you are here to get a different perspective and see if you can create something different.
The first thing I want to really address is your need to be passive-agressive. In a lot of how you are handling this, you are NOT being direct and honest and you are manipulating him all over the place. You are having all kinds of feelings and instead of taking ownership of your own triggers and talking honestly with him, you play all kinds of games. No matter who you are with, this is not sustainable. So first and foremost, it’s about REALLY looking at your coping mechanisms, HOW you are choosing to get your needs met and really working with yourself and your communication and how you function in a relationship when you are upset or irritated. How does me saying this, resonate for you?
It sounds like he REALLY appreciated you, but it also sounds like you may have been a bit of high maintenance for him considering all that he is trying to do right now. So if you want him back, it’s about shifting how you interact with him. For example, you “needing” to be his priority is pretty much saying it needs to be YOUR way or it isn’t going to work. Instead, a more effective way is by understanding more deeply what HE is going through, what HIS needs are and then discussing your needs too and you BOTH come up with ways to move forward.
Let me ask you…what is it about this guy that makes you want him back? Why do you want to be his girlfriend?
Heidi
Are you back home now? Yes…totally agree! It may not have been restful, but at least you were able to be in the energy of the mountains and be surrounded by beauty and nature. That makes everything better!!!
I understand your need for silence. He IS confusing and that’s okay. He gets to be confused and you get to be you.
What’s up with the other guy? The one from a long time ago that you were going to meet up with.
Heidi
Are you back home now? Yes…totally agree! It may not have been restful, but at least you were able to be in the energy of the mountains and be surrounded by beauty and nature. That makes everything better!!!
I understand your need for silence. He IS confusing and that’s okay. He gets to be confused and you get to be you.
What’s up with the other guy? The one from a long time ago that you were going to meet up with.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
Wow! Very disappointing except for the job. I’m so sorry to hear about all of this, as I know how important the mountains and beauty are for you.
What a bummer about the air quality. This is a product I’ve used when there are fires and it helps me a lot.
https://essentialoilwizardry.com/product/respire/ also drink A LOT of lemon or lime water if you can. Breathing in that level of toxicity can really change your system, so making sure you help your body handle it, is really important. I’m sure you already know that. If you want any other ideas, let me know. I know a lot about this kind of stuff.How come you would end up in Hague? Your contract is for a year, correct?
That’s nice that Jeop is staying in touch. Remind me which one he is? Is the divorced guy you talked to a lot before you left?
Heidi
Wow! What an adventure you are having. It’s all going to come together. I wish it were easier for you as you have had a really tough year and a tough few weeks. You get to practice “surrender” right? That’s a tough one, isn’t it?
How fun that you get to see some different birds AND some familiar ones. I love how connected to nature you are. I’m so sad there are no good hikes. Can you move somewhere where there are more hikes available for you? I guess you are just going to have to do a lot of walks through the town. That can be good for meeting new people…maybe your new guy??? 🙂 How are the people so far? They sound friendly and helpful for the most part.
Heidi
Oh yayayaya! Sunny days! I LOVE those! It’s probably the reason I will stay in Colorado. Over 300 days of sun per year. The sun is so healing and powerfullly vibrant and can make or break any day, right?
Although you haven’t been able to rest much, I’m glad you got to “not rest” in somewhere beautiful.
Any thoughts about your guy? Now that you have stepped away and changed your environment for a few days, what’s come up for you about him? Do you still feel like you want to stay distant or are you feeling more responsive?
I bet the trains are quite the maze over there. I’m so glad you are finding people to help you! People LOVE helping others, so you putting good juju out in the world by having your needs. We all need doses of “good” right now.
Your hotel room sounds yucky. I know that in the U.S. rooms and apartments and bathrooms and everything is pretty much bigger compared to everywhere in Europe. At least that is what my travel friends tell me. I’m sure you will find your own place soon enough and you can get out of there. The stinky part is rough! I’m glad the lobby is at least nice enough.
How is the vibe with this new job? Do you like your boss so far? Have you met other people yet?
Heidi
That seriously sounds like perfection! I’m so grateful to live surrounded by giant mountains. I can drive anywhere and find myself surrounded by the majesty of the land. Every week I will find a spot and park and journal and do my spiritual work. It’s heavenly!!!! I’m sending many good vibes your way that your soul is nourished and restored along with your pup, while you both are there!
Sooooo many dogs have issues with wheels. It’s so fascinating. I definitely know the sound can have something to do with it, but sometimes it’s the speed of the object going by as well. My dog isn’t too smart when it comes to cars either. But I do let him off leash on trails. He is a hunter by nature. He would never be able to catch anything, but I love allowing him to feel himself that way.
Heidi
Hi Maria,
I’m soooo so sorry for all that you have had to go through this past year. 2021 was a really rough year for most people that I know, all in varying ways. Like you, we all have been challenged in very deep ways that activated our insecurities, limitations, fears and anxieties. As difficult as this year was, it also was a gift to show each person where their limitations lived and provide an opportunity for healing and growth. I hope you REALLY take advantage of all the raw emotions and feelings and insecurities that come up and really begin to do some deeper healing work. It will make every challenging situation in your future, so much more easy to navigate.
I’m glad the talk went well and that he has agreed to pay more attention to you. Let’s see if it goes into action now. Regardless, it’s time for you to start to develop ways to help you connect to your inner happiness on your own and to stop relying on him to do it for you. If he doesn’t end up appreciating that about you, then he is NOT the right guy for you and he is the kind of guy that NEEDS you to be needy so you can fill the hole within him…which never works anyways and is a path to disaster. It doesn’t sound like he is that type of guy though.
There are MANY pathways to start changing yourself. There are TONS of videos on youtube that are tedtalks that address this subject. There are MILLIONS books you can start reading as well. Your first step is to start exploring and see what resonates with you…and then follow that path and see where it takes you. I have read 100s of books over the years and every single one of them are different and offered great insight as I got to know myself. Here are a few of my favorites to maybe get you started.
https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
These are 2 websites that are FULL of tons of books, programs and products all for self help/growth/healing. Browse these websites and see what might resonate for you as well:
https://www.soundstrue.com
https://www.hayhouse.com/Heidi
Hi Maria,
I love that you are here exploring your situation with us. That, in an of itself, tells me you are a brave and smart woman to seek guidance for a confusing situation. Well done!
I’m wondering if you would be interested in exploring this in a bit of a different way. First, it’s VERY important that you explore what you are feeling in yourself. If you understand that feelings are NOT facts, then you realize that basing ANY situation on how you feel, is not going to be accurate all of the time. Your insecurities, your neediness, your jealousy…all of those are within YOU. He may have pressed the button, but those insecurities he is triggering within you, are YOURS to fix…not him. You are basing your happiness and security on HIS behaviors and this can be a dangerous game. He is going to change and shift ALL OF THE TIME. There will be times that you guys feel closer and also times you feel further apart. That’s normal. If you end up feeling insecure and start to try to require him to be and act in certain ways so YOU can feel secure, you are relying on HIM for your happiness and security, when that is YOUR responsibility. He is just meant to compliment your happiness, not source your happiness. So let’s look a little further into your feelings of insecurity and jealousy. Where do they come from? I know you haven’t had much experience with relationships, so what is/was your relationship like with your family members? What exactly are you getting jealous about? What specific insecurities are coming up for you?
Also, you both come from very different cultures. Have you guys talked about these differences at all?
I want to suggest something. Instead of requiring him to be / act a certain for you…how about getting more curious about him. How about instead, asking him a lot of questions so you can understand what is happening for him right now, on a deeper level. You are taking it quite personally that he has decreased his efforts, but what if instead, you can figure out a way to support what he needs as well as what you need. If he only has the capacity for 1 time per week right now, can that be okay for you? What other ways can you guys connect while apart? Have you tried the Marco Polo app? That is a wonderful app to be able to stay connected through video messaging. It’s exactly like text, except it’s video. it’s a great way to send and receive messages and feel much more connected because you hear their voice and see their face. How about working TOGETHER and coming up with creative solutions and just spend time experimenting. Find out what HE needs and talk about what YOU need and then work on how to come together for a solution. Try it out and then see what happens.
I know men can really step away and NOT want to connect the more demanding, needy and controlling a woman becomes…especially when he feels her insecurity. So my guess is, this may be how he feels. Have you thought about talking to him about that and owning up to your own insecurities? Help him know that you have awareness about it and that you want to get better. He will greatly appreciate that! he already has a family he is taking care of and you want to pile yourself on top of his list. He needs to NOT have to take of your happiness.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh Nice! The sun is so powerful and healing and restorative! I love that you took a nap in nature like that! I bet you feel amazing and grounded and so much more clear! Your pup is going to love and appreciate all the nature you provided for you. Are you able to walk with her off leash? Or would she take off?
Heidi
