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I bet the trains are quite the maze over there. I’m so glad you are finding people to help you! People LOVE helping others, so you putting good juju out in the world by having your needs. We all need doses of “good” right now.
Your hotel room sounds yucky. I know that in the U.S. rooms and apartments and bathrooms and everything is pretty much bigger compared to everywhere in Europe. At least that is what my travel friends tell me. I’m sure you will find your own place soon enough and you can get out of there. The stinky part is rough! I’m glad the lobby is at least nice enough.
How is the vibe with this new job? Do you like your boss so far? Have you met other people yet?
Heidi
That seriously sounds like perfection! I’m so grateful to live surrounded by giant mountains. I can drive anywhere and find myself surrounded by the majesty of the land. Every week I will find a spot and park and journal and do my spiritual work. It’s heavenly!!!! I’m sending many good vibes your way that your soul is nourished and restored along with your pup, while you both are there!
Sooooo many dogs have issues with wheels. It’s so fascinating. I definitely know the sound can have something to do with it, but sometimes it’s the speed of the object going by as well. My dog isn’t too smart when it comes to cars either. But I do let him off leash on trails. He is a hunter by nature. He would never be able to catch anything, but I love allowing him to feel himself that way.
Heidi
Hi Maria,
I’m soooo so sorry for all that you have had to go through this past year. 2021 was a really rough year for most people that I know, all in varying ways. Like you, we all have been challenged in very deep ways that activated our insecurities, limitations, fears and anxieties. As difficult as this year was, it also was a gift to show each person where their limitations lived and provide an opportunity for healing and growth. I hope you REALLY take advantage of all the raw emotions and feelings and insecurities that come up and really begin to do some deeper healing work. It will make every challenging situation in your future, so much more easy to navigate.
I’m glad the talk went well and that he has agreed to pay more attention to you. Let’s see if it goes into action now. Regardless, it’s time for you to start to develop ways to help you connect to your inner happiness on your own and to stop relying on him to do it for you. If he doesn’t end up appreciating that about you, then he is NOT the right guy for you and he is the kind of guy that NEEDS you to be needy so you can fill the hole within him…which never works anyways and is a path to disaster. It doesn’t sound like he is that type of guy though.
There are MANY pathways to start changing yourself. There are TONS of videos on youtube that are tedtalks that address this subject. There are MILLIONS books you can start reading as well. Your first step is to start exploring and see what resonates with you…and then follow that path and see where it takes you. I have read 100s of books over the years and every single one of them are different and offered great insight as I got to know myself. Here are a few of my favorites to maybe get you started.
https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
These are 2 websites that are FULL of tons of books, programs and products all for self help/growth/healing. Browse these websites and see what might resonate for you as well:
https://www.soundstrue.com
https://www.hayhouse.com/Heidi
Hi Maria,
I love that you are here exploring your situation with us. That, in an of itself, tells me you are a brave and smart woman to seek guidance for a confusing situation. Well done!
I’m wondering if you would be interested in exploring this in a bit of a different way. First, it’s VERY important that you explore what you are feeling in yourself. If you understand that feelings are NOT facts, then you realize that basing ANY situation on how you feel, is not going to be accurate all of the time. Your insecurities, your neediness, your jealousy…all of those are within YOU. He may have pressed the button, but those insecurities he is triggering within you, are YOURS to fix…not him. You are basing your happiness and security on HIS behaviors and this can be a dangerous game. He is going to change and shift ALL OF THE TIME. There will be times that you guys feel closer and also times you feel further apart. That’s normal. If you end up feeling insecure and start to try to require him to be and act in certain ways so YOU can feel secure, you are relying on HIM for your happiness and security, when that is YOUR responsibility. He is just meant to compliment your happiness, not source your happiness. So let’s look a little further into your feelings of insecurity and jealousy. Where do they come from? I know you haven’t had much experience with relationships, so what is/was your relationship like with your family members? What exactly are you getting jealous about? What specific insecurities are coming up for you?
Also, you both come from very different cultures. Have you guys talked about these differences at all?
I want to suggest something. Instead of requiring him to be / act a certain for you…how about getting more curious about him. How about instead, asking him a lot of questions so you can understand what is happening for him right now, on a deeper level. You are taking it quite personally that he has decreased his efforts, but what if instead, you can figure out a way to support what he needs as well as what you need. If he only has the capacity for 1 time per week right now, can that be okay for you? What other ways can you guys connect while apart? Have you tried the Marco Polo app? That is a wonderful app to be able to stay connected through video messaging. It’s exactly like text, except it’s video. it’s a great way to send and receive messages and feel much more connected because you hear their voice and see their face. How about working TOGETHER and coming up with creative solutions and just spend time experimenting. Find out what HE needs and talk about what YOU need and then work on how to come together for a solution. Try it out and then see what happens.
I know men can really step away and NOT want to connect the more demanding, needy and controlling a woman becomes…especially when he feels her insecurity. So my guess is, this may be how he feels. Have you thought about talking to him about that and owning up to your own insecurities? Help him know that you have awareness about it and that you want to get better. He will greatly appreciate that! he already has a family he is taking care of and you want to pile yourself on top of his list. He needs to NOT have to take of your happiness.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh Nice! The sun is so powerful and healing and restorative! I love that you took a nap in nature like that! I bet you feel amazing and grounded and so much more clear! Your pup is going to love and appreciate all the nature you provided for you. Are you able to walk with her off leash? Or would she take off?
Heidi
You made it!!! Wow! How amazing that you got to sit next to that man. I love that his energy was comforting for you. No doubt you are being taken care of!!!
Gosh, seeing everyone smoke would be soooo strange. Here in Boulder, I might see someone smoking maybe once a month….if that. It’s refreshing, so that would be a hard thing to get used to. So now your next step is to find your new home? When do you officially start working?
Have you ever used Marco Polo?? It’s a GREAT app to be able to stay connected all the time. It’s video messaging. So you just leave a video message and it goes to that person’s feed and then they watch it when they can and respond when they can. I am able to connect all the time with my friend in China this way and my other friends around the country. It’s soooooo helpful because our schedules are all different and it’s a way to stay connected in between times. It’s been fabulous!
Heidi
Anyway – i know it won’t be fair to poke at her while she’s a guest at my house too – SO – we’ll have to have more pleasant conversations than negative ones! I totally get it about your sister! That’s a tough one! I’ll offer a suggestion of how to approach this topic and hopefully avoid her getting defensive or causing an argument. Take it or leave it of course. It’s a communication technique that allows you to express yourself and your opinion without directly addressing what was said and keeping focus on the “result.” So you say “When you say _______________ this is how it made me feel and how it made my daughter feel. I understand it’s how you feel about it, but when you say ____________________this is the RESULT you will get from us. If you don’t want us to feel this way, express what you feel in a different way that doesn’t cause us to put walls up and feel hurt.” This kind of format tends to be softer and helping to make the person more aware of the EFFECTS of what they said and not trying to change how they feel. It’s teaching a person how to say or do something differently to get a different result. She may not even care and I’ve had plenty of experiences of that as well. In the end, it’s a way to still express how you feel and use your voice, which is important to do. Just a thought. Good luck!!!
If i am no longer able to do this, am i of any worth? This is such a great question! EVERYBODY should be asking this question of themselves in every aspect of their identity. Landmark is a HUGE organization that puts on workshops everywhere and their purpose is help people evolve, release traumas, heal etc. They call our identity “the winning formula.” It’s the formula we all use to be successful in our lives. Mine was the martyr, teacher etc. and they have you dive DEEP into these winning formulas to really own our choices, our design, our identity and discover who you are without these things…can you find your value in the void? can you find your value in the emptiness? It’s a very powerful workshop and some of the most important questions to ask.
And the thing that allowed me to break out of the Martyr zone was actually accepting a lie! i decided – “since i have no value as a person, i’m not going to do anything anymore that causes me stress, because I don’t care enough to do that.” This is my reason for limiting the people i care about to 3. It sounds like you are still investing and believing in this lie. Am I understanding correctly? You limit yourself to 3 people because you choose to believe this lie?
This might seem insignificant to most people and perhaps small-minded and nit-picky. BUT — it matters to me, because it’s teaching me how to listen to the smallest sounds that my heart makes. It’s not insignificant at all! You are teaching yourself to be extremely sensitive to your feelings…something you were never taught or allowed to do. So you have to re-train yourself how to listen and how to honor what you hear. Good job!!! This is a VERY BIG thing you are doing!
With my kids, i’ve gotten to the place where they can’t even offend me anymore. They’ve just got a free pass all the time. And they don’t take advantage of it! i’m just So proud of my kids! My heart is capable of extending this free pass to my nephews and nieces too, but it bypasses my brother and sister to some degree! lol 😀 it’s fun to listen to my heart and hear what it’s saying. i value children more than adults. This just put a HUGE smile on my face. It’s so beautiful how you love them and support them and it just warms my heart that you get to feel this way. Thank you for sharing!!!
Heidi
Oh my goodness! Here you go!!! It’s officially happening!!! Wow! By the time you read this, you will be there and in your hotel. I’m so proud of you!!! You are so brave to do something like this and it’s soooooo good for you. It’s okay that the money isn’t the best. No amount of money can replace an experience like this. Things will happen for you there that never would have happened in BC and for whatever reason, God planted this contract in your lap before the BC offer, so trust in that more than anything. You are there now and you are beginning a new path that is full of many, many adventures. You did it! You made it through all of those stressful moments, you got away from all of those stressful people and now you get to breathe and start a dream job.
I can’t wait to hear an update!
Heidi
Oh I am soooooo glad your project is back on track! WHEW!!!! All that time you spent gets to have a purpose now. I would have lost my sh** if I had to go back to zero too! I’m so glad it worked out.
I get it about your current guy. An in person conversation would be a much better thing than anything else. I too would want to see it in his eyes, his tone, the words he uses, the energy exchange. It will happen. In the meantime….you get to hopefully nourish your super power and a good time doing it! 🙂
Safe travels to your mountain house and regenerating and restoring your mind, body and spirit for you and your pup! I hope you have a good few days of family time as well.
Heidi
Mountain is my manifestation visualisation, it keeps me calm and all. So I need it lol I love that you get to do this!!! Is there a mountain place owned by your work that people can go to, or is this a personal place you are going to? Does your dog love to be there too?? My dog is a HUGE mountain guy. He LOVES to hunt and completely comes alive in the mountains. It always makes me happy to get to see his pure, primal needs come out. I’m VERY lucky that where I live, there are many places where dogs can be off-leash and run free that are trails and open space areas. I try to get him out and about at least 5x a week so he can just be his pure dog self.
I completely understand how your frustration about work would leak over into the guy situation. That happens all the time and I love that you can acknowledge it and see it and own it. Most people just run with whatever they are feeling without slowing down and really looking at the source of what they are feeling.
how come it’s good ? lol what are you suggesting ? I’m just saying that the frustration you are feeling is a reflection of your needs not being met. This is REALLY hard to type out because I usually teach this through a drawing. There are 4 levels of anger: 1. irritation 2. frustration 3. anger 4. rage The moment you hit irritation, that’s letting you know you have some needs not being met. If you continue to ignore it, the irritation grows into frustration, then anger, then rage. So I’m saying it’s good that you are getting frustrated, because it’s reflecting back to you that you have needs that are not being met both at work AND with this guy….all guys. So taking a drop of that and putting it into love, creates assertion, which creates strong boundaries and standards as to how you are treated. So that energy can be used saying “No! I am not going to continue to be involved with a guy who doesn’t know who he is or what he wants. I will ONLY accept a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with me….etc.” That’s just an example, I’m not saying this needs to be your assertion statement or commitment. What I’m saying is when frustration comes up, it’s calling for you to meet some needs. It’s a “fire” type of energy that can really empower manifestation and standards. It can help you become more clear about what you want as well. Make sense?
Greenwashing makes sense, but holy smokes it’s complicated! Everything is so connected and intertwined, isn’t it? It’s not such a black and white kind of thing. There is so much to navigate and to consider.
It seems the hookup guy is afraid of you too. Goodness Emilie. You need a man who LOVES your power and is sourced by it, not afraid of it. I am supporting you with this vision all the time energetically and with my vision about the kind of guy that will match really well with you!
Heidi
You have had quite the life Vino. You are an incredibly intelligent and emotionally connected woman and you had to shut all of that down so you could deal with your life the best way that you knew how. And you have been climbing out of that hole one day at a time.
You play the Martyr archetype. I know this one well, as it’s my main archetype as well. I spent my life staying silent and “agreed” that I would sacrifice myself, my needs, my voice so the other person could be comfortable in theirs. It’s a very powerful archetype. If you think about it, everything we do serves us somehow. Me playing the martyr made me feel like I was being a good person, helped me avoid confrontation and “keep the peace” which was so important to me and it also gave me a flavor of righteousness. So the martyr has protected me and made me feel good about myself, which is why it was the main archetype I ended up aligning with the most. It’s a powerful one for sure! Why do you think you played that role for so long? How has it helped you?
How come you are having that person stay at your house for week? Because you are a nurse and they need care or something? I imagine you are not too happy about that…or are you?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE driving as well. Sundays are usually my day. I get in my car and I will drive for 2-3 hours to someplace, hang out and go for a walk or find a trail and then drive back. There is sooooooo much to explore here in Colorado and it’s all pretty beautiful once you head into the mountains. I’ve taken road trips across the country too. There truly is so much to see and experience here. I feel very lucky to have been born here and have the kind of life I get to have. I hope you get to start to see more of the U.S. soon! I have no doubt you will LOVE every second of it!
Heidi
Wow! It sounds like you guys had a really good conversation. Do you feel clear?
I’m not sure I understand completely. What exactly are you guys doing? A friends with benefits kind of thing?
but he made clear to me that he may never be in a place to be in a committed relationship again. I decided to accept that for now and reserved the right to change my mind later. What does this mean for you? I’m wondering why you are choosing to stay connected to this guy when he is not emotionally available and has it in his mind that he may never be that for you. How have you rationalized this to feel okay about this? What does this mean to you?
Heidi
Oh man! I know that feeling. When everything feels discordant and hard, every minute feels like you are slugging through quicksand…working soooo hard just to get an inch. Yuk! I’m so sorry you are having to go through all of this. I wish it were all simple and easy. It’s days like that where I wish I had a punching bag at home so I could get all my frustrations out.
I’m sooooo glad you got your car to that place. Holy smokes you are incredibly lucky…or protected! Wow!
One day at a time…you will get everything done and as you had MANY miracles happen to get you home safe, you also will have help to complete everything in the right timing.
Heidi
So that’s definitely my seduction weapon Damn girl! That’s awesome! Light eyes with long lashes combined with an expressive energy, wow! And with masks, that’s all people get to see now…You have embraced one of your super powers and I love that!
But yes I’ve probably bond deeper during our ski trip. I get it. That ski trip sounded so fun! How would you NOT bond deeper? My guess is, he did as well, but when he carries the kind of fear that he does, it would really mess with him…which in turn is messing with you. I see you are getting a little angry now about it. Maybe that’s too strong of a word, but either way, you are having a reaction about the ambiguity! FINALLY!! I got mad for you when you first told me about it and you defended him. Now…it seems you are feeling the effects it’s having on you a little more. This is good! A drop of anger in love = assertion. Use it!
Greenwashing…is that what it’s called?? I get soooo frustrated because who the heck has the time to research companies to make sure they are what they say they are? I want to just believe the marketing, but I know better. It’s so sad that I feel like I can’t trust any company out there wanting my money or loyalty. Companies will magnify their best parts and minimize their worst parts…like people I suppose. I just crave honesty and authenticity. I know this kind of craving is rising up A LOT in the dating world. People are craving an organic, real, authentic experience and are sick of the online dating games happening. Politics and Covid are adding to that energy as well. I love it though. Things need to change. It may take decades to do that, but at least people are wanting something different…that’s where it starts.
How fun that you are meeting up with this guy and maybe get to have a fun hook up. You will get to feel attractive and attracted (maybe) and at the very least, I’m sure it will just be great to catch up with him in person. Definitely keep me updated on this!
I’ll check out that technique. Thanks for sharing!
Your walk sounds AMAZING!!! Having to pee can definitely interrupt the process though, right? I might have tried to find a secret corner and just peed somewhere. Imagining it was like the lungs was pretty amazing! I love how creative you are!
That’s interesting about David. You said that night is when your heart “died.” What made you think of this story? Do you still feel like your heart died or were you speaking about your past thoughts about it?
Heidi
