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Hi Lacey,
This is such a great question!!! We are glad you are here and seeking ideas, guidance and a different perspective. Very smart of you!
First, I want to suggest you get VERY clear…IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO HELP HIM. Us ladies LOVE to come along and help the guy develop more trust, safety, connection or whatever it is that is stopping a guy from connecting. STOP STOP STOP!!! First and foremost, if he is a guy worth his salt and able to have any kind of sustainability with you (or anyone for that matter), he has to know how to take care of himself. You want a guy who is willing to face his own fears and truly deal with them vs. being a victim to them. A guy who lets his fears stand in his way of connection, success or anything…that is a guy who is NOT built to sustain a relationship. I know you are thinking…well maybe he can change. Nope…that is connecting with his POTENTIAL, not with who he TRULY is. Yes, MAYBE someday he will figure it out, but you are NOT in someday…you are here NOW and who he is NOW, is all you have to go by.
The things is, we ALL are afraid of getting hurt. That’s normal. For him to let that stop him means he doesn’t trust himself to handle the pain that shows up in life. It also means, he is holding onto A LOT from his past that is keeping him in this “I’m scared to get hurt” kind of mindset. He doesn’t know how to handle disappointment, betrayal, hurt, abandonment etc. ALL of these things happen in a relationship. It’s inevitable just because we are all human and mess up. So imagine you hurting him deeply and then imagine him putting walls up and running out the door…because that is how he would handle it. His fear is SOOOOOOO big that it’s literally stopping him from getting to know you. Yikes!!!! He is choosing his fear over connection and potential love. Is that REALLY the kind of guy you want to hand your heart over to?
This is your first red flag. You can ignore it and continue to invest or you can accept where he is at and let the idea of him go…and just keep it casual. You can still be friends and connect every once in awhile.You can say something like “Listen, I’m not interested in getting involved with someone who is afraid to fall in love with me. I totally get where you are at. Love is scary. Love is a risk and there is no way around it. I’m up for the adventure and I’m clear about that. You are not. So how about we just let this go and I’d love to just be your friend.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Mihaela,
Thank you for sharing everything you have shared. I can feel your heartbreak and extreme confusion and hurt. Of course! Anyone would be devastated to have connected everyday like and then all of a sudden, cold turkey. It hurts and it is sooooooo confusing!!!
First, take a breath. Know that no matter how it all turns out, you are going to be okay! I know you love him, but you really may not want to fight for a guy like this.
Let’s break this down a bit and see. I have a few questions.
During these 4 months, were you and him initiating texts, calls, visits pretty equally? Or were you the one initiating the most and he was responsive? Do you know why he got divorced? What are his feelings about his ex and the divorce?
Usually when someone is extremely connective and has a strong pattern about how they up in a relationship, and then all of a sudden they change and go to the other extreme of being unavailable (without communication)…something has happened. His ex came back into the picture, another woman caught his attention, maybe he started to feel love for you and that scared him, or maybe he felt your love and decided it was time to bail. I don’t know what his reasons are. Regardless, his reasons DO NOT matter. What is MORE IMPORTANT than his reasons, is how he handles whatever it is that he feeling. And how he is handling it, is unfortunately a MAJORE RED FLAG!!! For him to disconnect like that, so suddenly, without a word, without talking with you, without being honest and vulnerable….well that’s the kind of guy that RUNS from his problems and is VERY uncaring. He is going to do whatever it is that he needs to do, without caring how it affects you. That is NOT a guy who is a good partner. He is NOT a guy you can trust and rely on. He is NOT a guy you can feel emotionally safe with. He is a guy who ghosts and completely bails on you, without a word or without a care in the world about you. If you REALLY think about it, what kind of person can do that to someone else? Someone is not connected to their own heart, someone who doesn’t care about the kind of person he is (when it comes to romance), someone who doesn’t trust, someone who doesn’t let someone in (truly), someone who is able to disconnect so easily, because they were never really connected in the first place.
I know you guys have had a wonderful 4 months and that you had a lot of wonderful conversations and wonderful connection. Now you are seeing another side to him that is quite hurtful and unkind. The thing is, when we are choosing our partners that we want to go through life with, the deal breakers live in the worst of them, not the best of them. That means that who they are in their worst, how they treat you, how they treat others, how they treat themselves, is what matters more than the best parts of them. Who they are in their worst is what determines the success and sustainability of love. Unfortunately, it takes a while before you see or experience someone’s worst and just like you, you end up getting REALLY bonded and feeling love BEFORE you truly see and experience how they handle stress and communication during those moments. This guy has epically FAILED at passing the test. He is showing you that although he is wonderful and connective when things are good, he is ALSO incredibly uncaring, inauthentic and not REALLY invested. So….do you REALLY want a guy like this to come back into your life??? Do you REALLY want to put your very sacred, beautiful heart into his hands?? You are now seeing what he is capable of and that is NOT going to change. This is who he is. Even if you did get him back, he will do this again and again and again. Your job is to love and care for your special heart enough, to NEVER let anyone hold it without knowing they are safe, through and through – in ALL situations…no exceptions!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there! Just thinking about you and just wanted to check-in. You have disappeared for one reason or another and that’s okay, of course. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you and always sending you good vibes!
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
I thought I’d check in. Did you come up with answers from Spyce’s questions that brought more clarity or a deeper understanding for you? I’m also curious, is this a common pattern for you to feel insecure about how the guy feels about you? I’m not sure how many relationships you have had. I’m guessing you understand the attachment styles and fit into the avoidant category? Do you understand why you are this way? Do you have healthy ways of supporting yourself when you get triggered like that?
Heidi
Hi Peyton,
Wow! I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I’m sure that after 2 years of living together, it feels like your life is falling apart and you don’t know to figure out what your new life will be like without him in it.
Would you mind sharing a little more? It seems like you are shocked by his decision. Do you have ANY clue as to what might have lead up to this? He blocked you. Do you have any idea as to why he feels he needed to do that? Do you feel you guys had a really healthy relationship?
It would help if you shared more details so we can better guide you as to the next steps.
Heidi
I love going to the grocery store! These days though, grocery stores have delivery now. We have things like instacart or amazon that is connected with Whole Foods (a health food store) that delivers. Do you guys not have that there? Then you would get to skip the grocery store AND the guy! lol
That’s soooooo funny that you would cry having to go on a walk with your family. I wonder why you hated walking? I totally get how being fat as a kid would make you not want to do a lot of sport. Fat at any age is very uncomfortable. I’m curious…did you get teased as a kid because of it?
Have you also looked into working with an Osteopath? I usually find that a good Osteopath can fix my body in many ways that no other professional is able to do. Imaging is ALWAYS helpful, but maybe after finding out what is happening, you can look for one. People underestimate how much dysfunction in other parts of the body (organs, veins, arteries, meridians, fascia etc.) can lead to chronic joint pain that is ideopathic (they don’t know where the pain is coming from so they call it ideopathic). Osteopaths (the best ones are trained in Canada) are able to view and heal the body from a VERY different perspective. Just a thought.
So…libra with Gemini ascending. Wow! That’s quite a combination. I LOVE it though! It just magnifies your superpowers!!!
Heidi
Wow! Take a deep breathe. You have a bank account, you have a way to pay for an apartment, there is a potential new home for you…it’s all slowly coming together. How long before you find out if they accept your offer on the apartment? Do they lease for a certain amount of time over there or is it a month to month kind of thing?
Working less, getting to be close to a lake and having some time to explore will make your heart happy!!!
Heidi
It’s been a few days, so I’m hoping everything is starting to flow a little better for you. Sending lots of prayers your way!
Oh you’re a libra! My mom and best friend are libras. It makes sense now why you are either a dream or a nightmare!!! LOL
So that guy bailed. At least he did it before even meeting up. I give him credit for knowing his limitations and owning up to it and not wanting to put you through any of that.
That’s interesting that you didn’t really like sports until your later years. Being hypermobile would cause a lot of problems for sure. Do you lift weights at all? That’s one of the best ways to support your joints and get them stronger. It’s hard to know the right way to do things though. Have you ever thought of hiring a trainer for a period of time to help you?
I’m glad you are getting imaging for your shoulder. It’s always helpful to know EXACTLY what is happening so you can approach it the best way.
It sounds like you really like how you are eating. I’m glad you are eating everything that you make yourself! With the busy lives we all have these days, it’s hard to make everything ourselves. It’s so much easier to order takeout somewhere, so good job! You’re definitely ahead of the curve!
Heidi
HAHA! I LOVE that! Their most beautiful dream or worst nightmare! You could not have said it better!
Wow…you have a lot of things to do this weekend! When you say “sport” does that mean pole dancing? Or do you just mean exercising somehow? Did you ever play sports growing up? If yes, what was your sport?
My weekend is pretty mellow. I also have a vet appointment for my pup. He gets acupuncture every week. My vet is up in the mountains so we usually go on a hike before or after and enjoy being away from the business of the city. Sunday is also a meetup with a friend. We are going to explore a state park that we haven’t been to yet. Yesterday it was 5 degrees (-15 celsius) and this weekend is 60 degrees (15 celsius). LOL. Crazy right? So we are gonna take our dogs, pack a lunch and go exploring while it is warm, because snow is coming again next week.
Do you have a specific nutrition plan or way of eating? Or do you just eat “healthy?” As a trainer, I’ve learned that what “healthy” is, varies from person to person.
Heidi
Oh this is great news! It sounds like there are some new doors opening…hopefully!
I love that you found out about a historic wind mill. Hopefully you can get some good pics! I wonder what is historic about it. I’d be interested if you feel like sharing what you learn about it. I get that you wish you had someone to go with. It’s always nice to have a friend or lover to explore with. Regardless, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you live your life anyways. You are empowering yourself to do and be everything you can be whether you have a guy in your life or not. That just means that you will be available to meet so many more people. I wonder who will come into your life on this new adventure.
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
How did you guys meet?
Let’s be realistic here. A guy who has 3 full-time jobs and kids and helping with the community basically means he is NOT interested in a relationship right now. He is interested in working and may even be a workaholic. Workaholics are ALWAYS escaping something in their lives, which means they are typically not very good at relationships.
I understand you feel the romance, but it’s not based in any kind of reality. You are giving A LOT of power to a fantasy you have created about him and you and him together. The REALITY is you barely know this guy AND you haven’t even been on a date with him. I’m wondering if you have even met him in person.
Regardless, he is very clear that he is not interested in moving forward and won’t even go on a date. My suggestion is to get connected to the reality that he is NOT available for what you want. You haven’t even been on a date and there is ALREADY something stopping him.
Don’t you want to be with a guy who has a FULL on yes yes yes to you??? Don’t you want a guy who WANTS to build a life with you and get to know you? Don’t you want a guy who instantly asks you out and has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you?
Heidi
Help me understand what your relationship is with him. How do you know each other? What is the nature of your current relationship? It’s obvious you have feelings for him, but are you able to tell if he has feelings for you? Do you know what happened in his life that would make him not ready to go on a date with you?
Heidi
Oh geez! This is getting super messy!!! Have you talked to your bosses or anyone at Worley to get some help?
Listen. I know you are in the energy of regret and wishing you hadn’t signed on for this. I know you wish you had gotten that other deal for BC. I don’t blame you for feeling that way. It is really tough what you are going through. I want to encourage you to let go of regret and connect back into your faith in God. Trust that you are here for a reason. You may or may never know what those reasons are. Regardless, put your focus on strengthening your trust in God. Trust that you are EXACTLY where you need to be and even though none of it makes sense and even though it’s incredibly difficult, if you are meant to be there, it will all work out eventually. Doors will open and close to guide you in the best direction. Stay tuned and keep listening for guidance. Shift your mindset from “this is hard” to “God, show me the beauty in each moment. Show me how I can best serve you.” I know you know all of this, so I’m just reminding you. It’s easy to get lost in the struggle.
Heidi
