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Oh this is great news! It sounds like there are some new doors opening…hopefully!
I love that you found out about a historic wind mill. Hopefully you can get some good pics! I wonder what is historic about it. I’d be interested if you feel like sharing what you learn about it. I get that you wish you had someone to go with. It’s always nice to have a friend or lover to explore with. Regardless, I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you live your life anyways. You are empowering yourself to do and be everything you can be whether you have a guy in your life or not. That just means that you will be available to meet so many more people. I wonder who will come into your life on this new adventure.
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
How did you guys meet?
Let’s be realistic here. A guy who has 3 full-time jobs and kids and helping with the community basically means he is NOT interested in a relationship right now. He is interested in working and may even be a workaholic. Workaholics are ALWAYS escaping something in their lives, which means they are typically not very good at relationships.
I understand you feel the romance, but it’s not based in any kind of reality. You are giving A LOT of power to a fantasy you have created about him and you and him together. The REALITY is you barely know this guy AND you haven’t even been on a date with him. I’m wondering if you have even met him in person.
Regardless, he is very clear that he is not interested in moving forward and won’t even go on a date. My suggestion is to get connected to the reality that he is NOT available for what you want. You haven’t even been on a date and there is ALREADY something stopping him.
Don’t you want to be with a guy who has a FULL on yes yes yes to you??? Don’t you want a guy who WANTS to build a life with you and get to know you? Don’t you want a guy who instantly asks you out and has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know you?
Heidi
Help me understand what your relationship is with him. How do you know each other? What is the nature of your current relationship? It’s obvious you have feelings for him, but are you able to tell if he has feelings for you? Do you know what happened in his life that would make him not ready to go on a date with you?
Heidi
Oh geez! This is getting super messy!!! Have you talked to your bosses or anyone at Worley to get some help?
Listen. I know you are in the energy of regret and wishing you hadn’t signed on for this. I know you wish you had gotten that other deal for BC. I don’t blame you for feeling that way. It is really tough what you are going through. I want to encourage you to let go of regret and connect back into your faith in God. Trust that you are here for a reason. You may or may never know what those reasons are. Regardless, put your focus on strengthening your trust in God. Trust that you are EXACTLY where you need to be and even though none of it makes sense and even though it’s incredibly difficult, if you are meant to be there, it will all work out eventually. Doors will open and close to guide you in the best direction. Stay tuned and keep listening for guidance. Shift your mindset from “this is hard” to “God, show me the beauty in each moment. Show me how I can best serve you.” I know you know all of this, so I’m just reminding you. It’s easy to get lost in the struggle.
Heidi
but I find it difficult to determine which situations are worth me making a statement, and standing up for myself, versus which ones I should just let go. This is a great statement. The answer is simple, but the execution of it, is very layered and dynamic. The answer is, ALL your feelings ALWAYS matter. So the first thing to do is to take ownership of your own feelings and NOT blame them on him. If you understand that he could do the same exact behavior and not trigger someone else, then you know that your reactions are your own. Your feelings and emotions are NOT facts. Your feelings are just stories you have created about a scenario and that story is based on YOUR past. So here is a basic guideline to ALWAYS follow. I use a scale of 1-10. If my reaction is over a 5, I first deal with the intensity of my reaction, the stories that come up, my feelings and I explore what got triggered. Whenever we are over a 5, our brains enter into a more primal state and we lose the ability to think clearly. So whenever I confront, I REQUIRE myself to be under a 5. This is when I know my brain is much more clear and I have access to my higher thinking, problem solving part of my brain. Next, it’s important for you to understand that it is NEVER his responsibility to make sure you are happy. So whenever presenting a challenge you are having with him, you present it in a way that gives him a choice instead of demanding. I like to use this formula: “When you do or say_______________, this is how it makes me feel. I know you don’t want me to feel this way, so would you mind exploring this with me so we can do it a different way?” Use whatever words you want, but you are communicating how his behavior is affecting you and let him FEEL that. When you tell him he “needs to make you a priority” that is controlling and demanding that will shut anyone off. Do you see the difference?
There are many more things to consider, but I’ll stop there and let you digest this. Let me know what you think and how this feels for you.
From what you said, I saw that he introduced you to his friends, he did schedule dinner for Valentine’s Day which means he was listening and caring about you, he kept wanting to work things out with you and he did want to be exclusive with you. It sounds like he gave you a little more than his reputation says. I don’t know though. He is the only one who truly knows.
Heidi
Hi Deborah! Welcome! What brings you here? Is there a question you have or guidance we can offer?
I know it feels like there are slim pickings at the 50+ age range. Are you newly on the dating market? What’s happening in your romantic life?
Heidi
Hi Michele!
Welcome! I’m curious about your question. Why do you want to change his mind? How well do you know this guy? Do you know why he doesn’t feel ready?
It sounds like he is pretty clear that he is not ready and not available for anything romantic. Trying to convince him otherwise is just asking for A LOT of challenges. If he is resisting even BEFORE things get started, it’s not going to change until he feels TRULY ready. Can you trust that he knows himself well enough and he doesn’t want to lead you on?
Heidi
Here is a good air filter. I’ve researched them quite a bit and this is a great price and really good quality as well: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01JKDAN2M/ref=ox_sc_saved_title_1?smid=A2IEDZAWBB03ZE&psc=1
I didn’t realize you were making 50% less money. I thought you originally said you were getting paid more with this job. Wow. That’s quite a hit financially. My guess is, you took this opportunity because anything was better than where you were at and you loved the idea of the job itself. You will be taken care of. You always have been, so somehow, all of this is going to work for you. I’m glad you hired someone who can help you find a place. It’s going to bring more peace of mind, which is what you need right now. You’ll find your new home, you will get to know your community, you will find your places to explore and the stress will start to lessen as you create and connect with your new home.
Have you ever tried listening to binural beats to help you sleep? Also, there is an app called “Endel” that has sleep sounds created by the most recent scientific research. Their sounds are very soothing. They have some for during the day as well to help with focus or energizing.
Heidi
Hi Grace,
Thank you for sharing all of this. We are glad you are here to get a different perspective and see if you can create something different.
The first thing I want to really address is your need to be passive-agressive. In a lot of how you are handling this, you are NOT being direct and honest and you are manipulating him all over the place. You are having all kinds of feelings and instead of taking ownership of your own triggers and talking honestly with him, you play all kinds of games. No matter who you are with, this is not sustainable. So first and foremost, it’s about REALLY looking at your coping mechanisms, HOW you are choosing to get your needs met and really working with yourself and your communication and how you function in a relationship when you are upset or irritated. How does me saying this, resonate for you?
It sounds like he REALLY appreciated you, but it also sounds like you may have been a bit of high maintenance for him considering all that he is trying to do right now. So if you want him back, it’s about shifting how you interact with him. For example, you “needing” to be his priority is pretty much saying it needs to be YOUR way or it isn’t going to work. Instead, a more effective way is by understanding more deeply what HE is going through, what HIS needs are and then discussing your needs too and you BOTH come up with ways to move forward.
Let me ask you…what is it about this guy that makes you want him back? Why do you want to be his girlfriend?
Heidi
Are you back home now? Yes…totally agree! It may not have been restful, but at least you were able to be in the energy of the mountains and be surrounded by beauty and nature. That makes everything better!!!
I understand your need for silence. He IS confusing and that’s okay. He gets to be confused and you get to be you.
What’s up with the other guy? The one from a long time ago that you were going to meet up with.
Heidi
Are you back home now? Yes…totally agree! It may not have been restful, but at least you were able to be in the energy of the mountains and be surrounded by beauty and nature. That makes everything better!!!
I understand your need for silence. He IS confusing and that’s okay. He gets to be confused and you get to be you.
What’s up with the other guy? The one from a long time ago that you were going to meet up with.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda!
Wow! Very disappointing except for the job. I’m so sorry to hear about all of this, as I know how important the mountains and beauty are for you.
What a bummer about the air quality. This is a product I’ve used when there are fires and it helps me a lot.
https://essentialoilwizardry.com/product/respire/ also drink A LOT of lemon or lime water if you can. Breathing in that level of toxicity can really change your system, so making sure you help your body handle it, is really important. I’m sure you already know that. If you want any other ideas, let me know. I know a lot about this kind of stuff.How come you would end up in Hague? Your contract is for a year, correct?
That’s nice that Jeop is staying in touch. Remind me which one he is? Is the divorced guy you talked to a lot before you left?
Heidi
Wow! What an adventure you are having. It’s all going to come together. I wish it were easier for you as you have had a really tough year and a tough few weeks. You get to practice “surrender” right? That’s a tough one, isn’t it?
How fun that you get to see some different birds AND some familiar ones. I love how connected to nature you are. I’m so sad there are no good hikes. Can you move somewhere where there are more hikes available for you? I guess you are just going to have to do a lot of walks through the town. That can be good for meeting new people…maybe your new guy??? 🙂 How are the people so far? They sound friendly and helpful for the most part.
Heidi
Oh yayayaya! Sunny days! I LOVE those! It’s probably the reason I will stay in Colorado. Over 300 days of sun per year. The sun is so healing and powerfullly vibrant and can make or break any day, right?
Although you haven’t been able to rest much, I’m glad you got to “not rest” in somewhere beautiful.
Any thoughts about your guy? Now that you have stepped away and changed your environment for a few days, what’s come up for you about him? Do you still feel like you want to stay distant or are you feeling more responsive?
