Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Mihaela,
I know how hard it is to block him and disconnect completely. It feels like your heart is going to break in 2. The thing is, it’s SUPER important for you to have a very high level of self-love and self-care right now. Your heart hurts and needs some serious love and attention. What kinds of things can you do for yourself, to help you fill this hole that has been left by him? You need to find a different place to get “water” from that is healthy for you.
Do you journal at all? One thing that has helped me a lot is writing everything I wanted to say to him, in a journal. You can also just record it. Saying everything out loud is incredibly powerful. One day you might be sobbing and miss him a lot and you might want to say “I love you” a thousand times. Another day you might tap into the anger and hurt and cuss him out. Talking into a recorder or writing it all out in a journal is soooo helpful because it keeps the energy and emotions moving instead of letting them stay stuck. You need to get all of this out of your mind and body. Also, it’s normal for your brain to go down memory lane and remember all the good stuff and forget the bad stuff. When your brain keeps looping around the best parts only, it will activate missing him and wanting to reach out. Make sure that for every good thing you remember, you ALSO remind yourself of how he has handled this ending. Remember how he disregarded you. Remember how he has never cared nor apologized for completely ghosting you and not allowing space for you to have feelings about how he has handled this. Remember how he went right back on Tinder and wanted to meet your friend. This is the WHOLE story that you need to keep in the forefront of your mind so you stay connected to why he is not healthy for you. He simply is not available for the kind of relationship you want to have. He is not interested in that. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
Here is a video that may help: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
Heidi
Hi Marley,
Welcome! You definitely have a challenging situation you are dealing with. It’s always incredibly hard dealing with someone who is not quite on the same page as you.
How long have you been together?
He is concerned you guys don’t have what it takes to go long term. In his mind, what does he believe is missing?
Why do you need to get married? Is it possible to let that idea go for a while and just continue growing as a couple, without marriage on the table?The thing is, fear is a pretty powerful force and most of the time, will win out. You don’t want to battle his fear. His fears feel valid to him. He doesn’t trust marriage and he sure as heck doesn’t trust himself. I wonder if he became more clear about what needs to exist for a relationship to last, if he will feel more confident in what to create with you.
I would suggest looking up http://www.gottman.com
He and his wife have studied that question: What makes a marriage last? for over 30 years. Their research is incredible and provides some VERY concrete qualities that can be developed and supported to help a relationship last long term (more than 20 years). What if you guys talked about this approach and really analyzed your relationship? See where you guys work really well together and where you fall short as a couple. Why not create an action plan and see where it takes you.
Do you feel he might be open to something like this?
Heidi
Hi Mihaela,
I soooo understand your desire to REALLY try and make this work. You were in a desert and he came along and offered you water. The thing is, it’s the BEST water you have ever tasted because you were in a desert for so damn long! What you didn’t notice is that the water is actually dirty and it actually isn’t that great. No one would notice that coming out of being in scarcity for so long!! So first and foremost…BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!! You are NOT some stupid, naive teenager that can’t think. Knowing something DOES NOT mean you have the strength to act on it. Any woman coming out of a marriage with no attention, vibrancy, connection etc. would be able to resist a man who pays close attention to her. So your reactions is quite normal and to be expected!!!
I KNOW it’s driving you nuts not knowing what happened. I just want to bring you back to some FACTS. Regardless of his reasons or how he acted before and his reasons, it doesn’t matter. What matters is RIGHT NOW. How is he treating you now? Shitty. Plain and simple and there is no debating that. He has ghosted you, he is already moving on and dating again and he is NOT available. Regardless of you believing that it felt real and that he wasn’t playing you, you have evidence NOW, that he really wasn’t that invested.
Believe me when I say that I have known PLENTY of guys who know EXACTLY how to make a woman feel like she is connecting deeply. They know how and what kinds of questions to ask, they know what to say and do, they know how to make a woman fall for them head over heels…and then they bail and the woman is left feeling sooooo incredibly confused and angry and hurt…all the while he has moved onto his next adventure. There really are men out there like that, so as much as you felt a deep bond with him, his ACTIONS are not showing that. And remember, you JUST came out of a long ass time in the desert. Do you REALLY believe you have any kind of clarity or experience about men, dating and what is good or not good for you??? No way! There is A LOT of learning for you to do about yourself and especially about dating. You never got to go through the normal developmental stages of dating that we go through in our 20s. You developed WITH him, so there is an aspect where you are quite the newby when it comes to dating, the games, the signals to pay attention to etc.
Do you REALLY believe your intuition would guide you into connecting with a man who is not interested in you? I work with people and their intuition a lot. I understand the feeling you have and why it would feel like intuition. The thing is, our intuition is always in service of what is BEST for us. So you believing your intuition is guiding you to fight for a guy who isn’t interested in you, completely disregards you, doesn’t care about how you feel and is just going to serve himself and do what he wants…nope…that’s NOT intuition. That’s the part of you sooooo deeply connected to a man who filled you up and gave you a glass of water as you were coming out of the desert for 22 years. That part of you is NOT leading you in a healthy direction.
But it’s up to you!! I have absolutely chosen experiences where I KNEW 100% I was walking into something unhealthy. The pull was soooo strong, so instead of resisting it, I gave in. Eventually, it always ended, as expected. BUT…while I was in, I was working really hard on myself. I was working with my triggers, my need to be with someone not emotionally available, my relationship with drama and rejection and so on. So if you really want to keep holding onto this guy, I suggest that you find a coach/therapist and work with someone as you step back into fighting for a guy who doesn’t fight for you. You will have plenty of things to learn from experiencing this again, so make use of it and get some additional help navigating it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
OMG! It’s all finally coming together…little bits at a time. And THANK GOODNESS for a little eye candy to entertain you a bit! LOL.
It sounds like there are still some sticky things to work through, but all in all, there is movement. I think that finally having your own place will make a big difference. Once you get settled in, get a bike, get to know your neighbors and people in the meetup group, you will start to find more pleasure where you are at.
I’m so happy to hear that there is movement in a really good direction!!!
Heidi
So good to hear from you! I’m glad you got to experience and see your sis through different eyes. So interesting that she sees herself as a mom…to everyone! LOL. Did you happen to ask here what that meant? What’s her definition of a mother? What EXACTLY is it that makes her feel like she is a mother to her students etc.? I know that is a word you have struggled with, so it might be an interesting topic to explore with her.
Wow…you are starting to empty nest. So what happens next with her? How long is she gone? Where did she go?
I understand your confusion about the job thing. Who knows why Chipotle didn’t hire you. Does it really matter? God has a job all set up for you already…it’s just a matter of finding it, right? Kind of like an Easter egg hunt. Just keep walking through all the doors. Each door will stay open or not and that is your path. Walk through what stays open and don’t spend ANY energy on the doors that closed. They closed for reasons you will never know about and are not even important. Stay focused on the doors that are opening and that’s it.
As far as coaching classes, I know you know there are a TON of coaching certifications/programs out there. Maybe there is another program that would be easier to go through that wouldn’t interfere with your work schedule?
Is your massage cert. still active? That’d be the easiest way to make the most money for your time and allow you to have to work less and have more time for a coaching program. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Lacey,
This is such a great question!!! We are glad you are here and seeking ideas, guidance and a different perspective. Very smart of you!
First, I want to suggest you get VERY clear…IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO HELP HIM. Us ladies LOVE to come along and help the guy develop more trust, safety, connection or whatever it is that is stopping a guy from connecting. STOP STOP STOP!!! First and foremost, if he is a guy worth his salt and able to have any kind of sustainability with you (or anyone for that matter), he has to know how to take care of himself. You want a guy who is willing to face his own fears and truly deal with them vs. being a victim to them. A guy who lets his fears stand in his way of connection, success or anything…that is a guy who is NOT built to sustain a relationship. I know you are thinking…well maybe he can change. Nope…that is connecting with his POTENTIAL, not with who he TRULY is. Yes, MAYBE someday he will figure it out, but you are NOT in someday…you are here NOW and who he is NOW, is all you have to go by.
The things is, we ALL are afraid of getting hurt. That’s normal. For him to let that stop him means he doesn’t trust himself to handle the pain that shows up in life. It also means, he is holding onto A LOT from his past that is keeping him in this “I’m scared to get hurt” kind of mindset. He doesn’t know how to handle disappointment, betrayal, hurt, abandonment etc. ALL of these things happen in a relationship. It’s inevitable just because we are all human and mess up. So imagine you hurting him deeply and then imagine him putting walls up and running out the door…because that is how he would handle it. His fear is SOOOOOOO big that it’s literally stopping him from getting to know you. Yikes!!!! He is choosing his fear over connection and potential love. Is that REALLY the kind of guy you want to hand your heart over to?
This is your first red flag. You can ignore it and continue to invest or you can accept where he is at and let the idea of him go…and just keep it casual. You can still be friends and connect every once in awhile.You can say something like “Listen, I’m not interested in getting involved with someone who is afraid to fall in love with me. I totally get where you are at. Love is scary. Love is a risk and there is no way around it. I’m up for the adventure and I’m clear about that. You are not. So how about we just let this go and I’d love to just be your friend.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Mihaela,
Thank you for sharing everything you have shared. I can feel your heartbreak and extreme confusion and hurt. Of course! Anyone would be devastated to have connected everyday like and then all of a sudden, cold turkey. It hurts and it is sooooooo confusing!!!
First, take a breath. Know that no matter how it all turns out, you are going to be okay! I know you love him, but you really may not want to fight for a guy like this.
Let’s break this down a bit and see. I have a few questions.
During these 4 months, were you and him initiating texts, calls, visits pretty equally? Or were you the one initiating the most and he was responsive? Do you know why he got divorced? What are his feelings about his ex and the divorce?
Usually when someone is extremely connective and has a strong pattern about how they up in a relationship, and then all of a sudden they change and go to the other extreme of being unavailable (without communication)…something has happened. His ex came back into the picture, another woman caught his attention, maybe he started to feel love for you and that scared him, or maybe he felt your love and decided it was time to bail. I don’t know what his reasons are. Regardless, his reasons DO NOT matter. What is MORE IMPORTANT than his reasons, is how he handles whatever it is that he feeling. And how he is handling it, is unfortunately a MAJORE RED FLAG!!! For him to disconnect like that, so suddenly, without a word, without talking with you, without being honest and vulnerable….well that’s the kind of guy that RUNS from his problems and is VERY uncaring. He is going to do whatever it is that he needs to do, without caring how it affects you. That is NOT a guy who is a good partner. He is NOT a guy you can trust and rely on. He is NOT a guy you can feel emotionally safe with. He is a guy who ghosts and completely bails on you, without a word or without a care in the world about you. If you REALLY think about it, what kind of person can do that to someone else? Someone is not connected to their own heart, someone who doesn’t care about the kind of person he is (when it comes to romance), someone who doesn’t trust, someone who doesn’t let someone in (truly), someone who is able to disconnect so easily, because they were never really connected in the first place.
I know you guys have had a wonderful 4 months and that you had a lot of wonderful conversations and wonderful connection. Now you are seeing another side to him that is quite hurtful and unkind. The thing is, when we are choosing our partners that we want to go through life with, the deal breakers live in the worst of them, not the best of them. That means that who they are in their worst, how they treat you, how they treat others, how they treat themselves, is what matters more than the best parts of them. Who they are in their worst is what determines the success and sustainability of love. Unfortunately, it takes a while before you see or experience someone’s worst and just like you, you end up getting REALLY bonded and feeling love BEFORE you truly see and experience how they handle stress and communication during those moments. This guy has epically FAILED at passing the test. He is showing you that although he is wonderful and connective when things are good, he is ALSO incredibly uncaring, inauthentic and not REALLY invested. So….do you REALLY want a guy like this to come back into your life??? Do you REALLY want to put your very sacred, beautiful heart into his hands?? You are now seeing what he is capable of and that is NOT going to change. This is who he is. Even if you did get him back, he will do this again and again and again. Your job is to love and care for your special heart enough, to NEVER let anyone hold it without knowing they are safe, through and through – in ALL situations…no exceptions!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there! Just thinking about you and just wanted to check-in. You have disappeared for one reason or another and that’s okay, of course. I just wanted you to know that I’m thinking about you and always sending you good vibes!
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
I thought I’d check in. Did you come up with answers from Spyce’s questions that brought more clarity or a deeper understanding for you? I’m also curious, is this a common pattern for you to feel insecure about how the guy feels about you? I’m not sure how many relationships you have had. I’m guessing you understand the attachment styles and fit into the avoidant category? Do you understand why you are this way? Do you have healthy ways of supporting yourself when you get triggered like that?
Heidi
Hi Peyton,
Wow! I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I’m sure that after 2 years of living together, it feels like your life is falling apart and you don’t know to figure out what your new life will be like without him in it.
Would you mind sharing a little more? It seems like you are shocked by his decision. Do you have ANY clue as to what might have lead up to this? He blocked you. Do you have any idea as to why he feels he needed to do that? Do you feel you guys had a really healthy relationship?
It would help if you shared more details so we can better guide you as to the next steps.
Heidi
I love going to the grocery store! These days though, grocery stores have delivery now. We have things like instacart or amazon that is connected with Whole Foods (a health food store) that delivers. Do you guys not have that there? Then you would get to skip the grocery store AND the guy! lol
That’s soooooo funny that you would cry having to go on a walk with your family. I wonder why you hated walking? I totally get how being fat as a kid would make you not want to do a lot of sport. Fat at any age is very uncomfortable. I’m curious…did you get teased as a kid because of it?
Have you also looked into working with an Osteopath? I usually find that a good Osteopath can fix my body in many ways that no other professional is able to do. Imaging is ALWAYS helpful, but maybe after finding out what is happening, you can look for one. People underestimate how much dysfunction in other parts of the body (organs, veins, arteries, meridians, fascia etc.) can lead to chronic joint pain that is ideopathic (they don’t know where the pain is coming from so they call it ideopathic). Osteopaths (the best ones are trained in Canada) are able to view and heal the body from a VERY different perspective. Just a thought.
So…libra with Gemini ascending. Wow! That’s quite a combination. I LOVE it though! It just magnifies your superpowers!!!
Heidi
Wow! Take a deep breathe. You have a bank account, you have a way to pay for an apartment, there is a potential new home for you…it’s all slowly coming together. How long before you find out if they accept your offer on the apartment? Do they lease for a certain amount of time over there or is it a month to month kind of thing?
Working less, getting to be close to a lake and having some time to explore will make your heart happy!!!
Heidi
It’s been a few days, so I’m hoping everything is starting to flow a little better for you. Sending lots of prayers your way!
Oh you’re a libra! My mom and best friend are libras. It makes sense now why you are either a dream or a nightmare!!! LOL
So that guy bailed. At least he did it before even meeting up. I give him credit for knowing his limitations and owning up to it and not wanting to put you through any of that.
That’s interesting that you didn’t really like sports until your later years. Being hypermobile would cause a lot of problems for sure. Do you lift weights at all? That’s one of the best ways to support your joints and get them stronger. It’s hard to know the right way to do things though. Have you ever thought of hiring a trainer for a period of time to help you?
I’m glad you are getting imaging for your shoulder. It’s always helpful to know EXACTLY what is happening so you can approach it the best way.
It sounds like you really like how you are eating. I’m glad you are eating everything that you make yourself! With the busy lives we all have these days, it’s hard to make everything ourselves. It’s so much easier to order takeout somewhere, so good job! You’re definitely ahead of the curve!
Heidi
HAHA! I LOVE that! Their most beautiful dream or worst nightmare! You could not have said it better!
Wow…you have a lot of things to do this weekend! When you say “sport” does that mean pole dancing? Or do you just mean exercising somehow? Did you ever play sports growing up? If yes, what was your sport?
My weekend is pretty mellow. I also have a vet appointment for my pup. He gets acupuncture every week. My vet is up in the mountains so we usually go on a hike before or after and enjoy being away from the business of the city. Sunday is also a meetup with a friend. We are going to explore a state park that we haven’t been to yet. Yesterday it was 5 degrees (-15 celsius) and this weekend is 60 degrees (15 celsius). LOL. Crazy right? So we are gonna take our dogs, pack a lunch and go exploring while it is warm, because snow is coming again next week.
Do you have a specific nutrition plan or way of eating? Or do you just eat “healthy?” As a trainer, I’ve learned that what “healthy” is, varies from person to person.
Heidi
