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Hi Stephanie,
I just wanted to check-in. I know I came across really strong, so I wanted to check-in and see how it was received. My apologies if what I wrote was not helpful for you! I know my harshness/bluntness can sometimes cause people to step away (something I need to continue to work on). I want you to stay connected with us and let us give you some ideas, guidance and support as you go through this difficult time. I know your heart is hurting and some of the best medicine is to stay connected to people who can guide you through that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jack,
I understand that your friend was a really big source of comfort and connection for you, especially after discovering your diagnosis and believing your husband was cheating. Your whole world would fall apart, so connecting with this new guy, would have given you some MUCH NEEDED pleasure and huge doses of dopamine (the happy hormone).
I totally get your need to “chat it out.” Maybe you will get that opportunity to share how you feel and vice versa. I personally would not count on it, but you never know. The possibility of having a more chaotic conversation is more likely, but maybe that’s what you need in order to really FEEL that it’s time to disconnect from him. You know what is best for you and we are here to support you. Let us know how it goes and what ends up happening!!!
Heidi
Hi Kimberly,
Welcome! I love that you are willing to step out and do something new by being here. You obviously really care about him.
I’m really sorry this is happening for you!It sounds like he is going through something incredibly difficult and he needs to sort through things. I think the best thing you can do to stay connected is to occasionally reach out and let him know you are there for him and that you are still connected. That can look several different ways. You can send him funny videos and say “I know it’s rough right now, so I thought a little laughter might give you a short break.” You can send articles, videos, blogs and podcasts about the subjects he is currently dealing with that may educate or equip him somehow. You can send him a care package…maybe some brownies and a card or something like that. Maybe send him a gift certificate for a restaurant or something in his area where he can get out and have some fun. My point is, he needs support more than anything right now, BUT it also sounds like he might want to go through this alone. So a good way to give him his space AND support him is by only occasionally reaching out and connecting, but also not expecting much in return. THe moment he starts to feel any kind of pressure to re-connect with you like before, he will most likely shut that down. So he needs to feel your intentions as being very clear that you are JUST showing support as a friend. See what he responds like. Most people really appreciate the gestures. Although he wants to be alone, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t need support as well.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
Welcome!!! I completely understand how painful it is to let go of someone you love. It’s awful and extremely painful and can take a lot of time to process through the hurt.
Nonetheless, he ended up ghosting me and now has a new girlfriend who I truly believe is a rebound because he doesn’t deal with emotion, shoves it under the rug and pretends it doesn’t exist. I’m going to be straight up here and it may sting, but it’s important for you to truly embrace the truth and let go of this fantasy you have created with this guy. A guy who doesn’t deal with his emotions and shoves it under the rug, is a guy who DOES NOT have the ability to truly attach to ANYONE. He inherently will never feel safe to truly love and connect to a woman. He will constantly sabotage (without really knowing it) connection and the relationship will barely grow. So here you are, feeling INTENSELY about him and here he is, not really attaching to you and already with a new girl. He is an emotionally unavailable guy!!! Can you imagine dealing with this for the rest of your life? If all he wants to do is ignore and pretend his feelings don’t exist, then what kind of relationship is that??? Do you REALLY think that a relationship with him long term can actually be healthy, vibrant and deeply connective??? NOPE. That is the fantasy you are holding onto. There is NO truth in it at all. A guy like this is NOT set up for intimacy. He is terrified of it and always will be until he gets some help to work through whatever fears he is carrying around with him. He is in a relationship with his fear, not you or any other woman. His fear is more important than connection. So you feeling super intense love for him would scare the shit out of him. Whatever happened between you guys gave him the out and he took it. He is NOT invested in you and never will be. He most likely will continue to keep dating and breaking up over and over and over and if he ever does get married, I guarantee it will end in divorce or be an extremely unhappy and unsatisfying marriage.
So what part of you feel deeply in love with a man who is emotionally unavailable??? Where is your own anxiety coming from? You are literally willing to negotiate your value to try and get connected with him again. What part of you is willing to be treated like this?
Heidi
Hi Mary,
Thank you for sharing more of yourself with us! There are A LOT of things to break down here, so hang in there with us, as we break down some things here.
Even though I realize I did a low value thing, I am not a low value woman. I am a high value woman who has been literally hooked ( like a drug) on a low value man There is a really BIG disconnect happening with this statement. You may believe you are a high value woman, but your actions of choosing a low value woman says more about your true belief and relationship with yourself – at least when it comes to the love department. You may be a high value woman in many areas of your life, but when it comes to romance and love, you chose a low value man. So that is reflective of how much you TRULY value yourself when it comes to love. I have seen this happen sooooo many times! These top producing, strong, intelligent, high functioning women end up hooking into a man who “uses” them. There are a lot of layers and dynamics that play into this pattern and it’s too much to type out here. So I’ll leave you with this question to ponder: What is it that he was doing for you, that you were not doing for yourself?
Why wasn’t I good enough after all of this over 2 years worth, yes, on and off but hey, he never really left. This is a low self-esteem statement. It’s a part of you that is giving away your power. You are handing your value over to him and letting him decide your worth. This is soooooo common!!! Both men and women do it all of the time. They get rejected and the story that gets created is around the “what’s wrong with me” type of thinking. Let’s create a new story. How about asking yourself this questions instead. “What is RIGHT with you?” “How were you good enough for him?”
We connected deeply on that level and many, many others. We had really good deep talks about our families, experiences and problems but there was always drinking involved and sometimes heavy drinking and some drugs. I hate to break it to you, but I’ll just be really blunt here. Deep or not, you hooked up with an addict. Strong and deep connection or not, you CHOSE an addict. What is he running away from? What is it that he does not want to face within himself? You were hoping to build a strong, sustainable, nourishing relationship with an addict, who is NOT in any kind of process of healing, facing his baggage and fears and getting clean. You chose to ignore the BIG RED FLAGS in order to keep sourcing yourself with this limited connected. What part of you was willing to negotiate away your standards and how you want to be treated?
Why do men do this to woman? People do this to people, all of the time. It’s NOT a men doing this to women only, kind of thing. It’s just pure dysfunction and comes from fear, woundedness, poor role modeling, poor programming and people having no clue how to recognize nor deal with their patterns.
Thinking back about him I really think he manipulated me like to the max and that disgusts me. This is a “victim” type of statement. You are NOT a victim here. You, again, are giving your power away to him by believing this. He may have manipulated you, but you CHOSE this. Take responsibility for your choice. YOU picked an addict. YOU picked a man who was not emotionally available for you. YOU picked a guy who was not willing to be exclusive and you did this for 2 years. So HE did not do anything to you. YOU chose this. You ignored all of the red flags in exchange for the very powerful, yet limited connection he was giving you. So did he REALLY manipulate you? Yes, but you are also an intelligent, smart and powerful woman who KNEW she was being manipulated and stayed in it anyways. AND THAT’S OKAY! It’s just part of your journey, but I want to encourage you to really align with the truth here…because that is the only way you can heal.
You wanting to unleash your anger and hurt on him is pointing the finger at him for his choices instead of truly owning that this was really YOUR choice. It’s MUCH easier to blame someone else, I get it. But it’s won’t get you anywhere and it sure as heck will not help you heal your broken heart. This again, is giving away your power to HIM and believing that somehow, unleashing your hurt and anger on HIM, is going to help you feel better. It won’t. You will only be spreading more anger and blaming/shaming energy in the world that DOES NOT serve anyone. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be feeling these things, as he DID hurt you and there is a lot to be angry about. I’m just saying, deal with your anger and hurt in a way that is actually healthy and in a way that has a higher purpose other than hurting him and sliming him with your anger. That makes you no better than him.
So here is a different kind of mindset to work with. How about looking at this whole situation as a gift? He actually has really helped you see some things about yourself. Experiencing him has revealed how you were willing to negotiate away your standards and how you wanted to be treated. That’s what I call a fault line – a crack in your system (where earth quakes originate from) that holds deep, dark feelings. Fault lines are where our traumas, hurts, stories, programs – all of our low self-esteem and baggage – is stored. He basically is exposing where you are NOT higher functioning. He exposed YOUR limitations and low self-esteem. This exposure is a HUGE gift because it empowers you to now create stronger connections with yourself. It’s like shining a GIANT flashlight into that fault line and seeing what’s in there. This part of you that chose this experience (from a place of low self-esteem) is strong enough that it was able to override the other part of you that knows and lives your strength, intelligence and high self-esteem part of you. So in essence, his limitations exposed your limitations and if you choose – now that it is in it’s raw, palpable form – you can first identify what is happening in you and then work with that part of yourself that does not believe you deserve any better. Do these concepts make sense? What are your thoughts?
What do I do/say when I do run into him because I know I will and I know his pattern. Simple. For right now, you just don’t engage. You just say hi and if he stops to talk, you just simply say, “I’m not interested in talking or connecting right now, but I wish you the very best. Take care.” Eventually, when you process everything that has happened and you TRULY deal with your baggage that got triggered, THEN you will be much more clear and be able to have short, pleasant conversations if you run into him. But for now, you are raw and angry. It’s best to not engage. It’s MORE IMPORTANT to protect yourself from his energy.
I said a lot here and there is a TON more, but hopefully this helps bring you some clarity. I understand that you want to know the psychology about what was happening for him and why he treated you this way and I could go down the rabbit hole about his “type,” but instead, I’d like to guide you to understanding yourself first and foremost, as you are the MOST IMPORTANT person here in this equation.
Heidi
Maybe check this out too: https://www.bodytalksystem.com/
“What is the cost of trusting him? What are they afraid of losing?” Great questions! I hope she will think about it and work with those questions. It definitely will unveil a lot of tension she carries. So am I understanding correctly that he is sober now? Living with his grandmother for a month worked?
I don’t care how real the trans ideology is, the fact is, she has a FEMALE body. And that Female body is not safe in a boy’s dorm. Even if the boys are just being friendly, what if someone gets drunk one night? Totally get it. It’s a natural fear and one that every parent has for their daughter. One of my clients had the same fears for his daughter when she went away to college. He even brought a cop over and taught her how to use a taser properly (and volunteered to be tasered!) and how to protect herself. Sadly, his worst fear still happened AND, like you said, they had to figure out how to work through it. You will do the same. It will be incredibly difficult and heartbreaking, but it’s all fixable and healable too.
NOW – i don’t know how much pain she is in – but even through her complaining, i see that her husband is working on his own addictions. And even though he also seems to be manipulative i don’t feel sorry for her at all. Why do you think you have to feel sorry for her? It’s more about compassion than feeling sorry for her. That just plays into the victim mentality she is aligning with. Having compassion is understanding that she feels stuck and she doesn’t see a way out. She is paralyzed by her fear and that’s a very hard place to be in. So it’s just working little bits at a time, figuring out what WILL create movement for her. She is so incredibly weak inside and there is a reason for that. She has obviously had a very difficult life. Can you not feel compassion for her? You know what it’s like to be so unhappy and miserable and fearful too.
Anyway – that’s the state of my mind. I don’t know if i’ll be a good counselor or a therapist or a coach of any kind, because i have no patience for women like her You would have no patience for ANY person with that mindset, although if this were a man saying it, I imagine you would be able to activate your compassion a little easier. Maybe you can specialize in working with only me. Either way, it IS a difficult mindset to work with, but usually someone reaching out for help, is interested and open to expanding their mindset. So although they start that way, it doesn’t mean they want to stay that way. Being a counselor is definitely tough. It activates ALL the judgment you carry inside and ALL of your own triggers, so as long as you work on clearing those things when you do get activated, it’s all good! AND…it still may not be your cup of tea. I know this forum has helped me a TON! I have had so many judgments, I’ve been criticized and blasted, I’ve been incredibly misunderstood and all I have to say is THANK GOODNESS I get to take some time and space before I respond. LOL. Since starting this job a handful of years ago, I definitely have become much less judgmental, much more skilled, MUCH more patient and A LOT less attached to any sort of outcome. I still have sticky spots of course, but they are much less than when I started. I’m grateful!
i’ve noticed something interesting in my body the last week to 10 days or so. I feel like there’s not enough weight on my body! Whenever i walk, it feels better to walk with a heavy bag, than with just a purse! it’s a really weird feeling! 🙂 hmmmmm…..just a thought….find some grass, get barefoot and imagine your energy going down into your feet and then into the earth, like BIG tree roots spreading out and deep. See if that changes anything. I’m wondering if you are not feeling grounded. Another thought just popped into mind. I wonder if you would enjoy being a Somatic Therapist. It’s a ton of training, but maybe doing some type of a program would be feasible for you. There are a TON of embodiment practices and trainings out there. I think you would be brilliant at that! This is just an example: https://www.michaelaboehm.com/workshops/ She developed “non-linear movement” which is a type of embodiment practice. She teaches how to move and transform emotions through connecting you to your body and then moving in certain ways to shift it. Maybe something to explore?
Heidi
Hi Jaclyn,
I LOVE LOVE LOVE how you are really owning your challenges and taking ACTION with yourself. Anxious types really end up shifting when they do the deeper work on themselves, so I love that you have a therapist. I hope it really goes well and that you see some good changes in yourself.
So many ladies LOVE to go for the emotionally unavailable type. First, they are EVERYWHERE and second, they are a challenge and that activates similar patterns in a woman who grew up with a father who was also emotionally unavailable (very common as well) and are the anxious attachment style. I’m so glad to hear that you want to change this pattern, because you can have a guy who is fully invested, a guy who has nothing stopping him from connecting with you and a guy who is willing to own his own shit and not dump it on you or gaslight you.
I’m curious as to why your marriage didn’t work. I’m sure there is still a lot of healing to do about that separation. There are always many layers to breakups – especially between married couples.
I would suggest to NOT see him. Breakups are so difficult and there tends to be a lot of hurt floating around. The best way to heal is to really separate yourself and NOT talk/see/connect with him in any way. I know you have some stuff to get, but if you have friends, the best thing to do is to have one of your friends pick up your stuff. Maybe you can stay in the car? Or they go with you and stand next to you while you get their things. I only say this because a friend is a good buffer. It will minimize any meanness that might occur or it will help you stay connected to yourself and NOT fall back into his arms – which I’m guessing is more likely.
Do you feel that is something you can do?
Heidi
Oh my goodness! 900 people??? I would be nervous too, but incredibly excited. I plan to be a speaker and really start to develop that part of my career in the next few years. How are you on stage? I suppose that maybe you don’t quite know, but I imagine you would be quite confident and engaging, despite being a bit fearful.
I’m excited to hear about how everything went!!!
Libra with Gemini is brilliant! I can see why it’s a struggle for sure. But embracing it means that you get to have FULL perspective. It means that your spectrum of understanding a person/situation/yourself is expanded and that makes you quite powerful AND that makes you strongly connected and fluid and adaptable. Yes, the shadow side could definitely be confusing and it would be hard to make a decision sometimes. But I suppose if you were to embrace the concept that there is no such thing as a “right” or “wrong” decision – and that every decision has gifts and challenges to offer you – it really wouldn’t matter which decision you made, right? What if everything was a perfect moment, all the time? Even a “wrong” choice is the perfect choice because it’s leading you in a specific direction that is important for you. I’m just babbling now…lol. Like I said before, the Law of Attraction and quantum physics is something I’ve studied for decades – lots of theories and viewpoints that I like to play with to see what brings me the most peace and emotional freedom?
What is an Osteopath to you? I know the U.S. version. They are medical doctors but have extended skillsets of diagnosing problems from a more holistic viewpoint and can prescribe meds. In Canada, their version of Osteopath is MUCH bigger. They are NOT medical doctors, but their skillset of diagnosing AND healing is massive! They do visceral manipulation to working with the nerves, veins, arteries, cranial sacral, postural alignment, their version of chiropractic and the list goes on. I know a handful of osteopaths that went to Canada to get trained, but came back to the U.S. So what’s it like there?
Heidi
Hi Rachel,.
Thank you for sharing all of this! It’s a lot of really good information that painted a general picture of your experiences with him. I can see why you are confused. I can see why you broke up and I can see why you miss him too. Breakups are incredibly difficult because there is a hole left in our hearts, our days, our time that used to be occupied and that hole is extremely difficult to live with. It’s normal to want to fill that back up with the same energy that used to live there. Our system would rather deal with the pain of it being filled by someone unhealthy than the pain of the emptiness.
The thing is, whenever you invite someone into your life on a very deep level, there is 1 thing that should be guiding you: How they handle stress in their life. This is a make or break quality. While it does count how wonderful things are when they are good, it matters more how you both interact with each other when things are not so good. How does he treat your needs? How does he communicate with you when his feelings are hurt? How does he deal with discord? From what you are telling me, he is not interested in YOU. He is interested in you serving HIS way of life, HIS needs, HIS wants and desires. It sounds like he has really strong narcissistic tendencies.
He is not interested in change and there is something very real and true about that. By that, I mean that he deserves to have a woman who loves him for exactly who he is and doesn’t need anything more from him than he is willing to offer. We all deserve that. If you cannot love, respect and honor exactly who he is, then he is not a good match for you. He is NOT interested in growing/learning, he is NOT interested in your needs, he is NOT interested in planning life WITH you, he is interested in planning life for himself. Do you REALLY want to hand your heart over to a guy who lives his life that way? Do you REALLY want to keep spending your time trying to get him to care about you and how the relationship functions?? He is VERY clear…he does not want to change. So that means, he is who he is, he is truly okay with that and if you are going to be with him, it’s HIS way. Is that what you want??
Heidi
Hi Mihaela,
I know how hard it is to block him and disconnect completely. It feels like your heart is going to break in 2. The thing is, it’s SUPER important for you to have a very high level of self-love and self-care right now. Your heart hurts and needs some serious love and attention. What kinds of things can you do for yourself, to help you fill this hole that has been left by him? You need to find a different place to get “water” from that is healthy for you.
Do you journal at all? One thing that has helped me a lot is writing everything I wanted to say to him, in a journal. You can also just record it. Saying everything out loud is incredibly powerful. One day you might be sobbing and miss him a lot and you might want to say “I love you” a thousand times. Another day you might tap into the anger and hurt and cuss him out. Talking into a recorder or writing it all out in a journal is soooo helpful because it keeps the energy and emotions moving instead of letting them stay stuck. You need to get all of this out of your mind and body. Also, it’s normal for your brain to go down memory lane and remember all the good stuff and forget the bad stuff. When your brain keeps looping around the best parts only, it will activate missing him and wanting to reach out. Make sure that for every good thing you remember, you ALSO remind yourself of how he has handled this ending. Remember how he disregarded you. Remember how he has never cared nor apologized for completely ghosting you and not allowing space for you to have feelings about how he has handled this. Remember how he went right back on Tinder and wanted to meet your friend. This is the WHOLE story that you need to keep in the forefront of your mind so you stay connected to why he is not healthy for you. He simply is not available for the kind of relationship you want to have. He is not interested in that. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
Here is a video that may help: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
Heidi
Hi Marley,
Welcome! You definitely have a challenging situation you are dealing with. It’s always incredibly hard dealing with someone who is not quite on the same page as you.
How long have you been together?
He is concerned you guys don’t have what it takes to go long term. In his mind, what does he believe is missing?
Why do you need to get married? Is it possible to let that idea go for a while and just continue growing as a couple, without marriage on the table?The thing is, fear is a pretty powerful force and most of the time, will win out. You don’t want to battle his fear. His fears feel valid to him. He doesn’t trust marriage and he sure as heck doesn’t trust himself. I wonder if he became more clear about what needs to exist for a relationship to last, if he will feel more confident in what to create with you.
I would suggest looking up http://www.gottman.com
He and his wife have studied that question: What makes a marriage last? for over 30 years. Their research is incredible and provides some VERY concrete qualities that can be developed and supported to help a relationship last long term (more than 20 years). What if you guys talked about this approach and really analyzed your relationship? See where you guys work really well together and where you fall short as a couple. Why not create an action plan and see where it takes you.
Do you feel he might be open to something like this?
Heidi
Hi Mihaela,
I soooo understand your desire to REALLY try and make this work. You were in a desert and he came along and offered you water. The thing is, it’s the BEST water you have ever tasted because you were in a desert for so damn long! What you didn’t notice is that the water is actually dirty and it actually isn’t that great. No one would notice that coming out of being in scarcity for so long!! So first and foremost…BE KIND TO YOURSELF!!! You are NOT some stupid, naive teenager that can’t think. Knowing something DOES NOT mean you have the strength to act on it. Any woman coming out of a marriage with no attention, vibrancy, connection etc. would be able to resist a man who pays close attention to her. So your reactions is quite normal and to be expected!!!
I KNOW it’s driving you nuts not knowing what happened. I just want to bring you back to some FACTS. Regardless of his reasons or how he acted before and his reasons, it doesn’t matter. What matters is RIGHT NOW. How is he treating you now? Shitty. Plain and simple and there is no debating that. He has ghosted you, he is already moving on and dating again and he is NOT available. Regardless of you believing that it felt real and that he wasn’t playing you, you have evidence NOW, that he really wasn’t that invested.
Believe me when I say that I have known PLENTY of guys who know EXACTLY how to make a woman feel like she is connecting deeply. They know how and what kinds of questions to ask, they know what to say and do, they know how to make a woman fall for them head over heels…and then they bail and the woman is left feeling sooooo incredibly confused and angry and hurt…all the while he has moved onto his next adventure. There really are men out there like that, so as much as you felt a deep bond with him, his ACTIONS are not showing that. And remember, you JUST came out of a long ass time in the desert. Do you REALLY believe you have any kind of clarity or experience about men, dating and what is good or not good for you??? No way! There is A LOT of learning for you to do about yourself and especially about dating. You never got to go through the normal developmental stages of dating that we go through in our 20s. You developed WITH him, so there is an aspect where you are quite the newby when it comes to dating, the games, the signals to pay attention to etc.
Do you REALLY believe your intuition would guide you into connecting with a man who is not interested in you? I work with people and their intuition a lot. I understand the feeling you have and why it would feel like intuition. The thing is, our intuition is always in service of what is BEST for us. So you believing your intuition is guiding you to fight for a guy who isn’t interested in you, completely disregards you, doesn’t care about how you feel and is just going to serve himself and do what he wants…nope…that’s NOT intuition. That’s the part of you sooooo deeply connected to a man who filled you up and gave you a glass of water as you were coming out of the desert for 22 years. That part of you is NOT leading you in a healthy direction.
But it’s up to you!! I have absolutely chosen experiences where I KNEW 100% I was walking into something unhealthy. The pull was soooo strong, so instead of resisting it, I gave in. Eventually, it always ended, as expected. BUT…while I was in, I was working really hard on myself. I was working with my triggers, my need to be with someone not emotionally available, my relationship with drama and rejection and so on. So if you really want to keep holding onto this guy, I suggest that you find a coach/therapist and work with someone as you step back into fighting for a guy who doesn’t fight for you. You will have plenty of things to learn from experiencing this again, so make use of it and get some additional help navigating it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
OMG! It’s all finally coming together…little bits at a time. And THANK GOODNESS for a little eye candy to entertain you a bit! LOL.
It sounds like there are still some sticky things to work through, but all in all, there is movement. I think that finally having your own place will make a big difference. Once you get settled in, get a bike, get to know your neighbors and people in the meetup group, you will start to find more pleasure where you are at.
I’m so happy to hear that there is movement in a really good direction!!!
Heidi
So good to hear from you! I’m glad you got to experience and see your sis through different eyes. So interesting that she sees herself as a mom…to everyone! LOL. Did you happen to ask here what that meant? What’s her definition of a mother? What EXACTLY is it that makes her feel like she is a mother to her students etc.? I know that is a word you have struggled with, so it might be an interesting topic to explore with her.
Wow…you are starting to empty nest. So what happens next with her? How long is she gone? Where did she go?
I understand your confusion about the job thing. Who knows why Chipotle didn’t hire you. Does it really matter? God has a job all set up for you already…it’s just a matter of finding it, right? Kind of like an Easter egg hunt. Just keep walking through all the doors. Each door will stay open or not and that is your path. Walk through what stays open and don’t spend ANY energy on the doors that closed. They closed for reasons you will never know about and are not even important. Stay focused on the doors that are opening and that’s it.
As far as coaching classes, I know you know there are a TON of coaching certifications/programs out there. Maybe there is another program that would be easier to go through that wouldn’t interfere with your work schedule?
Is your massage cert. still active? That’d be the easiest way to make the most money for your time and allow you to have to work less and have more time for a coaching program. Just a thought.
Heidi
