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I understand and you are doing a really good job honoring what he has asked for. That is really important. It’s part of building trust with him.
You can always write a note and leave it on his pillow. I might add a little something like, “I’ve been doing some soul searching and really looking at myself. I’m really seeing how I was overwhelming for you sometimes. I am learning and I only want to get better. I don’t expect you to respond to this note. I just wanted you to know.”
How does this idea feel for you? You can always wait another week or so before doing this. Make sure you only write things that feel true for you though and that you are willing to follow through on.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kelsey!
I’m so sorry it took us a while to respond to you. We totally missed your post, so thank you for your patience and for reaching back out again!
Let’s break some things down and then go from there:
I’m trying to have more faith in him and still be patient, but I wake up every morning feeling like I lost him. First, it’s important to understand, on a much deeper level, that having faith in him is the wrong place to put it. You guys are still VERY new and haven’t really spent a lot of time together in person. In the beginning, much of the time getting to know someone is seeing if their actions and their words line up and THEN you can really start to trust and believe what a person is saying to you. That takes a lot of time and consistency to build up. From what you are telling me, he hasn’t been very consistent with his words and actions, so your belief and faith in him is more about your desire to make him “the” guy vs. really seeing who he is. I understand your connection was easy and that he felt really wonderful for you, so it’s incredibly hard to see any sort of dysfunction…especially in the beginning. But it’s there and it’s important for you to truly see that his words and actions do not line up…at least not at this stage of things. Why? Who knows. “Why” doesn’t matter really. What matters is that it IS happening and it’s a bit of a red flag that you need to pay attention to.
I feel like every time I reach out to him that he feels like I’m trying to persuade him to commit when all I’m bidding for is connection. For a man, connection FEELS like commitment. The more deeply a woman wants to connect with them, the more they know the woman is wanting a relationship. Isn’t he right though? You may not want a specific commitment, but you do want to deeply connect…which in essence is kind of the same flavor, wouldn’t you say?
I’m hurting and this does not add up to what we had talked about before nor with how we were feeling before. I know it doesn’t add it, but that’s the point. Again, his words and actions are not the same, so it’s important that you slow down and really observe what is happening. He could feel like he rushed into things, he could really feel that your religious differences are more a deal breaker than he though, he could feel like he just doesn’t want to invest right now, he could be totally afraid of his feelings for you…the reasons are endless and not for you to figure out. Instead, what is more important, is for you to decide if this is okay for you. Do you feel okay being treated this way? Do you feel okay with all of this confusion? Do you feel okay with not connecting for 3 months and then having him reach back out when he gets back?
Heidi
You made me smile. Thank you for your very kind words!
So what’s the plan? How are you going to better support and connect with yourself? Have you reached out to him yet about getting your stuff back?
Heidi
Hi Dominique,
Thank you for sharing more. I’m really glad that you are sticking with therapy for this long and that you are experiencing some good results! Stick with it!!! As you continue, it will get harder before it gets better, so just know that the deeper you go within yourself, it can get a bit messy. But it’s so important so you can clean out your insides…there is nothing comfortable about it, but the rewards you get will faaaaar outweigh any discomfort or fear you face. It’s worth every minute!
You DO know what he needs. He needs some space. He doesn’t want to talk, he doesn’t want to connect…he just wants to feel peaceful. There has been enough of a pattern with you guys that makes him feel anxious, so giving him some NEW patterns with you is a good thing! Would you be willing to build trust with him again? That means listening to what he asks for, respecting his boundaries and creating a safe and peaceful place for him to come home to. That means NOT talking about getting back together, but instead focusing on developing a strong foundation with him that could help him connect more deeply with you. You can say something like, “You mentioned that you feel anxiety when you come home and that you don’t want to talk. I want you to know that I really hear you. I’m sorry you have to feel that way and I want to support your boundaries. So from now on, I will shift my focus and not need you to talk when you get home. I’ll be here if that interests you, but otherwise, I will leave you be. It really is okay. What is more important for me than anything, is for you to feel like you have the space to heal and get your needs met. Again, if you feel like connecting, just let me know. I’m open and would love that, but I also do support you taking care of yourself. Is there anything else I can do to support you?”
What do you think about approaching it like this?
Heidi
Hi Michael,
Thank you for being here! I can see why you are confused. I want to make sure I understand your situation first, before I offer more guidance. So you and Guy A broke up and it’s been 8 months. It was messy and painful and it definitely sounds like you don’t feel resolved about it. I’m a little confused about your last paragraph. You are starting to date someone else, but is it Guy A that playing mind games with you? And you are still in love with Guy A, but starting to fall for Guy B? How long have you been dating Guy B? What is keeping you connected to Guy A? It’s over. So what more are you wanting from him?
I just wish I could talk to him so that we could give one another either closure or a new begging. Let’s be very real here. Talking to him for closure is NOT necessary. I’ve created plenty of closure within myself with guys who decided to disappear and never return. I’m guessing you don’t REALLY want closure. I’m guessing you want to talk so you can see him again and maybe get more clarity and hopefully get back together. Yes?? If you really, truly wanted closure, you can create that for yourself without him.
The way to proceed is really looking inside yourself and exploring what you are doing. What is keeping you tied to Guy A? What are you doing involving Guy B into your life when you are not emotionally available for him? What is it that you REALLY want?
Let’s explore.
Heidi
Hi Dominique
Welcome! I know you feel lost and don’t know how to create resolution. I know it hurts and all you want is to re-connect with him and do things differently. It sounds like he just feels powerless with you. It sounds like all the hurt and challenges you are dealing with, with 2 different dads, is A LOT to handle and triggers you frequently, which then ends up triggering your boyfriend and probably exhausting him. It’s like he is constantly having to deal with other people’s problems instead of having a peaceful and easy connection with him that is HIS design. Am I understanding this correctly?
I understand him wanting to create some space and find some peace and ease. I’m also glad to hear he would be interested in coming back if the circumstances changed. Do you have any idea what that means for him? I know you guys are not talking, but maybe this was brought up as to what he actually wants/needs.
I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. Is it helping? Are you finding different ways to communicate, different ways to handle co-parenting, different perspectives?? Are YOU finding more peace in your life? Because I think that will be the key to getting him back. When YOU are more peaceful and at ease, he gets to have the best of you, instead of the miserable you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I keep remembering him calling my “future wife” and feel a bit sorry for myself as well as quite stupid for believing … I don’t think I will be able to believe again so this has definitely shaped me First, I want to say this…DON’T YOU DARE LET THIS MAN STEAL YOUR BELIEF OF WHAT IS POSSIBLE FOR YOU!!! Yes, he hurt you. Choose to forgive and choose to fight for more than your life than believe in YOURSELF. I’ve been harmed by men countless times over the years. Whether they gifted me with a broken heart or the men that abused me my entire childhood – I WILL NEVER GIVE UP in reclaiming my divine right to feel love – and not just any love, but a POWERFUL love that will help me continue to heal but also help heal others. This guy is giving you the greatest gift. He is helping to wake you up to yourself, helping you to explore your viewpoint of love and what it means to you, challenging your thought processes, giving you an opportunity for healing (not just from him, but your past as well) and so much more. I know it hurts AND you can heal and when you heal, you will be more than who you were before you met him. That’s TRUE healing. If you shut down and give up, that’s not healing – that’s just quitting on yourself and burying all the hurt – and then you are really no different than this guy who has a mountain of buried pain that ended up hurting you deeply. Choose to be different. Choose to face yourself. Choose to explore your feelings and have COMPASSION for yourself, not judgment for believing that you meant more to him than you really did. He fooled you and we are ALL foolable.
Is it just fate / luck or is there something I’m completely lacking to be able to demand this from a man First, when you find the right guy, there is no demanding needed. Your connection with each other will be effortless and you both will choose growth and move together in the same direction for however long it lasts….maybe forever, maybe not. Again, there are no guarantees. But there are things you can pay attention to that will give you better odds to have a healthier, longer lasting relationship. We can talk about what to look for, but first and foremost, you need to connect more deeply with yourself and get to know yourself better. You can only know someone else to the extent that you know yourself. I’ll use myself as an example. Having grown up with years of abuse (all kinds), I had to also go through years of pretty intense therapy. Because I know myself very deeply and am incredibly sensitive to myself, my subconscious patterns and thoughts that creep in and how I feel about myself, I am also able to instantly pick up on who someone else is. I, of course, do not know the details of someone, but I can FEEL a person’s insecurities, their limitations, their fears, when they are being authentic vs. playing a game and so much more. It would be quite the feat for someone to fool me, but it CAN be done, despite all that I know because I am human. This means that the people that are allowed into my life are top notch. They are aware, they are emotionally available, they grow, they communicate, they ADD TO my life and they approach their life in a similar way that I approach mine. I would not have this kind of quality in my life if I didn’t know myself very well and if I didn’t choose to release all the pain and hurt and make room for love to come in. This is a choice point for you. You CAN bury how you feel and eventually it won’t hurt anymore for the most part, but that pain will resurface again in another relationship and will sabotage any connection you are trying to make. This, I guarantee. Or, you can decide to take back your power and embrace the hurt, learn from it and then transform it into self love. You cannot ask something from a man that you are not willing to do for yourself. So you want a man to commit to you, treat you like gold, love and connect with you deeply, see and know your value, fight for you….well it starts with you treating yourself that way first.
Look, I understand how you feel and it’s natural. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be feeling all of this, I’m saying feel EVERYTHING and work WITH it and give it life instead of burying it and shutting yourself down. YOU ARE SO MUCH GREATER THAN THIS PAIN!!! Find a coach, a book, a program or something to help guide you through this. Are you willing to do that?
Heidi
I love that you are having a team BBQ soon and that you get to meet everyone. Your social circle is going to hopefully expand more. That’s so interesting how all of their holidays are all smushed together. I hope you get to go to the national park. I know it will deeply feed your soul.
How is Trevor doing? Is he still thinking about coming out and maybe getting a job or something?
Heidi
I know you have been confused and hurt by this whole situation. How are you doing about all of it? I’ve mentioned a lot of different perspectives, but you haven’t really commented on any of them. Any thoughts? Is what I am saying helpful? Or maybe not? How do you plan on moving forward?
Heidi
It sounds like although you are not a fan of Holland, you are being sourced enough to feel some level of excitement and joy about your life. I love that you came across some bird nests! Yes! If you post on Facebook, I’ll be able to see. You seriously take amazing pictures! I still look at the ones you sent me.
When is your kayak trip? I think it’s this weekend, right? Are you getting connected to any other groups?
As far as the guys, I’m glad you are at least enjoying them. Who knows where any of it will lead, but it’s no mistake you are where you are. I’m curious to see how things develop. Are you able to get out and exercise? How is the food there?
Heidi
I understand he is the one reaching out and wanting to talk with you. It sounds like you both really love talking to each other. How come you guys broke up in the first place? Would you mind sharing how it happened? Was it your decision or his? Does he know how you feel and that you want to get back together?
Heidi
I suggest letting him know you need your things back. Ask him to pack it all up and you will come by with a friend and pick it up at an arranged upon time. He can also leave things somewhere by his place that will allow you to pick your stuff up without running into him. Either way, make arrangements to NOT see him, but if you do, have a friend with you.
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
I must say that I have lost any faith or belief in relationships . I am far better investing only in myself Let’s talk about this a bit. First, you shouldn’t have faith in relationships. That is NOT where it belongs. It belongs in yourself first and foremost.
Whenever someone says “forever” or anything to that flavor, know and understand that it feels true for them in that moment, but that’s about as long as it’s good for. Life happens and can shift someone’s feelings in a matter of seconds. The same is true for you and it’s just the reality for ANY relationship. It’s very sobering, isn’t it? So how do we move forward knowing that love is completely unpredictable?
Trust. Trust in yourself. And by that I mean no matter what anyone else does or chooses, you TRUST in yourself that you will be able to handle whatever shows up each day. This is about resilience. If you do not trust that you are resilient and have the ability to work through ANYTHING that happens in your life, then you are right…spending time investing in yourself is a good idea. When you KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you can heal a broken heart, then it allows you to feel safe, within yourself, to risk falling in love. So whenever fear shows up for me, and it always does and always will, I remedy it by saying “I see you, I hear you, I feel you AND I know that even if this guy crushes your heart, you know how to heal. You are strong, you are incredibly resilient, you resourceful, you have infinite resources to support you and you will be okay.” My inner strength and trust in myself is what allows me to take risks with my heart. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t have caution and give credibility to any fears that come up, but bottom line is, I’m always aware that whomever I invite into my life may choose to stay or go and that is their right and I trust what is within them to do what’s best for themselves. And I trust what is within me to handle whatever shows up. I know how to heal, I know how to forgive, I know how to process very quickly and I know I will be okay.
I want to invite you into exploring what is within you. Where are you not trusting yourself and why? What is missing and how can you remedy that?
Heidi
Hi Krista,
It sounds like you are not very clear. You say whatever happens, happens and at the same time you say you never got over him (after 5 years) and that you want more attention from him. There is a flavor when you explain things, that part of you giving him money means you expect to paid attention to. This is where the money can really make things quick mucky. So it’s important for YOU to be clear for yourself. Is the money part of a way that you are able to keep him connected to you and feel valuable in his life? It sounds like if you took money out the equation, you don’t necessarily trust that he would continue talking to you. So instead, you want to play these “games” and test him by delaying funds for a few days to see if he responds. You need more clarity within yourself.
So the first thing is, YOU need to get clear about what you want with him and from him. You said you want more attention and effort and you don’t want to pressure him because he has 2 jobs and little time. Let’s get real here. If a guy REALLY wants to spend time with a woman, he will find a way. From what you are telling me, it sounds like this guy is staying connected to the level that keeps the money coming in. So if you want a REAL relationship with him, take money out of the equation. Most likely he will become increasingly stressed and undoubtedly become less and less available for a connection with you, or any other girl for that matter. If you want to continue giving him money, then take the romance part out of the equation. Just give him money and don’t expect much from him. Take your romantic feelings out of it and re-direct them towards dating again and finding someone else. What is NOT working is you having romantic feelings for a guy you are giving money to. That is NOT a healthy equation for either of you. So BEFORE you do anything, decide what you want.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Melanie,
I’m a little confused. You started dating this man while he still had a girlfriend. Then 6 months into dating him, they broke up, you guys stayed together for a while (a year?) and now he has a new girl he is seeing and you guys have broken up? Am I understanding this correctly?
And you guys keep talking, but never see each other?I’m curious, what keeps you connected to a man who isn’t really invested in you? It sounds like you have a strong connection with him, but I’m not sure he feels the same way. It sounds like he has a pattern of jumping from one woman to the next. He bonds strongly and is in relationship with them until the next woman that peaks his interest comes along. Would you say this is an accurate description?
Heidi
