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Thank you for sharing more! It sounds like this is a pretty strong pattern for you to blame. Why do you think that is? What is happening for you that need to point the finger?
This is a pattern that is very destructive for any kind of relationship. Is this something you are willing to shift and work on? It sounds like he would just joke about it instead of being honest in the moment about how it made him feel. Is this his normal pattern as well?
Heidi
I feel a little misunderstood and hurt. I am whole and complete as a person—with or without him. OMG! Thank you for saying this!!! I’m so so sorry that you feel misunderstood and hurt by what I said. It’s so darn difficult on this forum sometimes to communicate in a way that is clear. I did not mean at all to make you feel like you were not a complete person. You are a very strong and grounded person and I’ve felt that from the beginning. I don’t feel at all that you need this guy to define you. It’s quite the opposite actually, but I can see why you felt this way. Everything I am talking about is shining a light on a PART of you, but is in no way a reflection of the whole person you are. I am just putting a magnifying glass on the part of you that is not aligned with the truth that the rest of you is aligned with. Does this make more sense?
I am human, so I do have cracks, but I don’t expect anyone to fill those. That is not why I am wanting to still connect with him. I said what I said because of this statement: I can’t help but think that if I find the right words to say he will be more willing to talk. This is a story running in your system saying “If I were better, if I were more, if I were something different, then he might talk to me.” If you feel into those words, it’s basically saying that you are not enough just as you are and that if you said something “right” he might re-connect. Wouldn’t you say that a guy should want to connect with you because he is interested in your entire being and he KNOWS, without hesitation, that you are someone he wants in his life, regardless of what you say or don’t say? You are so much more than any of the “right” words you think you should be saying to him. You are a beautiful, powerful, authentic, loving, strong woman. If he is not able to connect into that and be inspired by the WHOLE being that you are, then saying the “right” words are worth nothing because you are already enough and worth loving and fighting for without the “right” words. You are worth loving, even when you don’t have the “right” words, you are worth loving even when you say the wrong things, even when you are really messy, even with the baggage you carry. This guy is not able to offer you that kind of experience…at least not right now. Does this make more sense about what I am saying?
With all of that being said, I do know that you know all of this already. I can tell by what you say, that you have a strong and solid connection with yourself and I’m not saying anything new to you. AND…there is a part of you, that doesn’t know this. There is a part of you that said “if I could just say the right words…” that isn’t aligned with the truth that you already know about your value. You got triggered by his choice and that trigger is exposing this little girl energy that believes if she were something different, then she would be loveable. Your adult self knows otherwise though. I’m shining the light on this part of you because it’s her energy that will keep you stuck in pain and not able to process the loss.
I just see others able to take more control of situations like this and get what they need and want. I’m tired of just accepting whatever happens happens when I can have more of a say. This is an interesting statement. Tell me more about this. What makes you think you have more of a say? What aspects do you feel you can have more of a say about? And what makes you think that others are getting what they need and want? What are they taking control of?
I don’t feel like connection with him is a bandaid. I want to be with him and nothing seemed wrong. I don’t believe he 100% wanted to stop talking. This is a very slippery slope here. I completely understand how you feel AND I’ve done tons of deep work on myself and others to discover that the hurt I feel when I lose someone is ALWAYS riddled with lies, insecurities, limiting beliefs, low self-esteem. If you are hurting, that is a sign that you are not fully connected to the truth. That’s why I’m saying it’s a bandaid. You are hurting and there is a part of you that wants out of that pain by connecting with him again. That’s the bandaid part I’m talking about. Wanting to take that route of an outside source helping you feel better. There is nothing wrong with that route, except that it’s not available for you. He is not available. So that leaves you with yourself and having to love yourself through this loss and disappointment, like you have many times before.
Is it possible to hurt simply because you miss someone? I’m going to say no to this one. I know it’s bold to say, but I’ve just had too many experiences that tell me otherwise. If I miss someone, it’s that I’m missing the part of myself that he brought out in me. I miss how I get to feel. I miss the part of me that he activated. I miss someone because of what is in ME. Every single time that I have deeply missed a guy, it gets resolved 100% of the time when I heal the hurt, the stories, the low self-esteem, the confusion or whatever it is that got activated by the loss. When I heal those fragmenteted little girl parts of myself, what I am always left with is peace and clarity. I may miss the connection or how I got to feel, but it’s a different kind of missing where I have no need to re-connect. It’s kind of like a “I appreciate you so much for what you brought into my world and I will miss the mixture of that AND I’m all good. I’m peaceful, I’m resolved, I’m clear, I’m happy and I’m grateful for the experience. End of story.” It’s really hard to explain how that feels unless you’ve experienced it. Maybe you have, I don’t know. I just know that when there is an energy and a draw of wanting to bring someone back into your life that is not available for you, there is a lot of wounded energy sourcing that need and sourcing the hurt and that is what it feels like when you speak.
I do want to say it’s NOT the whole story. I’m focusing only on the struggle part of it. I do see the beauty and power that experiencing him has brought you. It sounds like it was a really wonderful connection and I’m so sad that it changed…that he changed. It’s so frustrating, confusing and many other words I’m not allowed to say :). It’s so incredibly difficult to let go of something that felt so darn good.
I’ve tried to work on myself, tried talking to other guys, I’ve gone out with friends. What EXACTLY are you doing to work on yourself? I’m interested in hearing how you are working with your hurt, besides meeting other guys and going out with friends. That stuff is helpful for sure and important, but it’s not healing kind of work. What else are you doing?
Let me know your thoughts.
Heidi
I have an observation which I am not sure of its accuracy , is that most men, the great majority are emotionally unavailable and perhaps feel somewhat threatened by the notion of having to have such connection This observation I would say applies to women as well. It applies to all of us on some level, if you really think about it. It just depends on your own emotional availability compared to the person you are sitting in front of. Love is a quite a challenging thing for most people. Like I explained about the happy factor, a woman could FEEL like she is available, but I have seen PLENTY of times, they meet a nice guy who treats them so beautifully and they get everything they want, but end up sabotaging it. So I’d say it’s more of a human condition vs. a male thing. Men do have a lot of catching up to do, but women I also find can be quite chaotic. The biggest complain men have about women is how confusing they are. They say one thing but do another. Men are incredibly confused about women because women can be quite unorganized emotionally. BUT…men can trigger that for sure. Men have a really hard time with emotions compared to women. So that’s the beautiful dance we get to have with each other. We each have our limitations both collectively and personally and it’s important to honor our differences, our challenges and our limitations. That’s where self-love comes in. The more you are able to love your own limitations, the more accepting and honoring you become of others, right? But accepting and honoring their limitations, DOES NOT MEAN you should be in a relationship with them. It just means not judging them.
Focusing on self love and connection to our selves can guide to some extent , not sure it will help arriving at the final destination however in relationships as two make a tango…right ? There are 2 things about this. First, there is NO final destination. Falling in love and meeting your partner is not a final destination, because even in that, there could be endings in some form or another and you have to process the loss and keep moving forward, right? The JOURNEY is the destination. It’s in every single moment that we are in, where our destination lies. That’s the challenge. I coach people to view dating as a teacher. Let it teach you about yourself. Stop looking for “the one” and view each experience as a perspective to view yourself. Each person reflects back to you who you are. Each person brings out different sides of you. Each person exposes your strengths and weaknesses. THAT is your destination, not love with another person. Each person is an opportunity for you to increase your self love. That’s the ultimate, most powerful thing you could ever posses and develop. It might be in your 60s that you finally get to have that self love reach out to another man that welcomes it with open arms. It might be never. It might be next week. We never know what is ahead of us each day. What we DO know though, is the more self-love you have, the higher quality love you will be able to create the container for. When you love and respect yourself, you set standards, you don’t ignore red flags, you are able to love limitations in your partner, you are able to support a love that can grow and expand beyond what you could even imagine. Dating is the platform to practice all of those things, right? This guy who has disconnected is giving you the opportunity to wake up to more of who you are…to connect more deeply to your value, to inspire you to learn new things that are important for you, to accept him for his limitations and honor them by not judging him or chasing after him. He is a painful gift, but a gift none the less. If this experience DEEPLY strengthened your self-love and helped you learn some new things about yourself, would you NOT want this to have happened the way it did? Would you give all the gifts back in trade for a longer connection with him?
Heidi
Hi Emma,
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge and situation. It’s quite the powerless feeling to not be able to help someone you deeply care about. Being so far away is incredibly difficult.
My guess is, you have never met in person, correct? Did you guys ever make any plans to meet in person?
I know you love him and I know he treated you in such special ways that were meaningful for you. The thing about someone who is depressed and self-harming, is their love is VERY limited. A basic rule is no one can offer you something they are not able to give to themselves. Someone in that mindset is NOT self-loving and therefore not really able to love you in a healthy, high functioning way. If he doesn’t know his own worth, then he will heavily rely on you for that and it’s not your job and it’s an incredibly damaging pattern to both you and him.
I know you will most likely completely reject this idea, as most people do. The thing about only knowing someone through technology is you only get to see bits and pieces of them. Truly knowing someone is seeing and experiencing them IN THE MOMENT in many different situations. I know there is a strong connection, but that connection is built off of a very limited perspective and then your mind builds out the rest of his personality based on your imagination. It’s what our mind naturally does to fill in the gaps. It’s even possible that he is making all of this up too. I’ve come across PLENTY of women who have had boyfriends for many many months that all of a sudden break things off and then later it is discovered they were being “played.” There are PLENTY of predators of all kinds, hanging out on online dating sites looking for a woman who will play into their game. I’m not saying this is your situation. I’m just saying there are many possibilities about what is actually happening here and why he is choosing to disconnect. The ONLY evidence you have are his words and that’s just not enough evidence to prove anything. This is where most women completely reject the idea because their hearts are telling them something very different, so I get your desire to want to keep him in your life.
The bottom line truth is, if this guy’s depression and self-harming are still present in his life, he is NOT available for any kind of relationship until he deals head on with those feelings. The entire relationship would end up being about him. You would end up being so scared to confront him about anything because it would trigger his harmful behaviors. That is no way to live in a relationship AND it’s a very limited kind of love that turns more into enabling than anything else. He is not set up to have nor offer a healthy, nourishing love that grows and expands and can last. I know that is so incredibly difficult to face because your heart is hurting and so badly wants to connect with him. In truth, he may be doing you the very best favor by keeping you away from him because his love REALLY is not enough and he knows that. Trust him to make the very best decision for himself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Soldy,
Wow. 8 years is a long time! Have you guys ever broken up before? Do you normally blame him for everything? Is that how you feel?
There is some truth in what he is saying. Anytime someone blames someone else for how they are feeling, it’s a victim mindset. We all feel the way we feel because of all the experiences that have shaped up combined with our personalities. There is a lot to talk about on this topic, but let me just ask you first, what do you want from him? What are you needing? Are you willing to learn a different way of communicating that makes him your partner vs. the perpetrator?
Heidi
I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time. Ever since I’ve known you, your job has been incredibly challenging in one way or another. You haven’t been happy to be where you are at in many years.
I know you are blaming yourself for not listening better to God. With that kind of thinking, are you saying that if you listen to God, only good things happen? Is that how you believe? What if this is EXACTLY where God needs you to be? What if there is something here for you or for someone else that just hasn’t been exposed yet? What if you being there is stretching and challenging you to become something more inside, or develop a new skillset, or meet someone who will change your life 5 years down the road? Would you say that God is so much bigger than any challenge we face and that our happiness is not what is always the most important? The challenge, the hardship, the struggles are what shape us into something new. Can’t God work that way as well? So to say this is your fault, is a pretty limited perspective. Why not view this as struggle being part of your path very purposefully? What can you learn about yourself while going through this? What new ways can you learn to handle depression? What can you do to release the anger you feel? How can you connect to God’s beautiful country that you get to see over there? How can this situation serve you? If you search for the gifts in all of this, it makes all these challenges that much more do-able. Of course the frustrations don’t go away, but your attitude towards them can shift. Why not believe that God WANTS you there and that everything is happening exactly as it’s supposed to be happening and you don’t see all the aspects of why you are there yet? If that’s your viewpoint and TRULY believed God wants you there and this is not a mistake, then how can you be a servant to God while you are there? How can you embrace the challenges differently? Maybe go connect again with the Bible and read some of the stories of people that followed God clearly, yet faced incredible hardship. There was a higher purpose, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy and happy and cozy. Many times, it’s quite the opposite. Keep finding ways to encourage yourself and embrace where you are at right now instead of wasting your energy on regret and blaming yourself.
So now that you paid more for silver singles, were you able to connect with Aleks? Did he respond? That definitely is an expensive conversation, but who knows, maybe he will turn out to be pretty great or maybe someone else will that you will meet that way.
Oh poor Trav!!!! How awful! I think we have all had moments like that and it’s so incredibly frustrating. I love his efforts though. It’s a lesson in patience, right??? Man, that sucks.
Heidi
I think my pattern is I fall for men who chase woo and flood me with love , then I’m full on with them and give with no limit and then I loose their love Yes, I’ve come across this pattern before…mostly from women. The reasons and what sources this pattern exists is unique to each person, but there is a common thread. I’m not saying this is you, because I haven’t worked with you, but what I have found in the past is the women are missing all kinds of signals coming from the man. They are subconscious signals mostly. It’s not unusual for these to be missed because most people do not understand the language of the subconscious, yet it leaks out everywhere, all the time, especially when it comes to love. The signals are mostly subtle but sometimes quite obvious, but it’s not unusual for the energy of the connection to be much bigger and stronger than the subconscious signals where the red flags exist. When someone feels soooo good and passionate and chasing after you, that’s what tends to be focused on and felt and everything else falls to the side.
I’m wondering if that is what is happening for you. You might have this inherent trust that what someone says and does is what is real and true for them. When it comes to dating and love, this is not actually the case many times, especially in the beginning when you are getting to know someone and in the honeymoon/easy phase. The thing is, very few people do not even know they are sending off red flags, because they don’t even know their own subconscious signals telling them about how they REALLY feel. This is where most people are split. They act and say one thing, but then other things and actions they do are not in alignment. Like your guy…he says some amazing things about you and chased after you and strongly connected, but then wants to disconnect. Why? Who knows the real reasons, but whatever reason it is, it’s much bigger than his desire to connect with you. He either is not telling you something OR it’s his fears that are creeping up from his subconscious and influencing his need to disconnect.
For example, there is this thing I call the “happy factor.” We all have it. It’s our limit of how happy we will allow ourselves to be. The determining factor of how happy we can be is how much low self-esteem we carry deep within us. So someone who has A LOT of fear and low self-esteem, will not allow themselves to feel really happy. They might feel happy for a period of time, but it’s not sustainable. So let’s just use a bathtub as a visual. Let’s say this guy you are dating has a container for happiness the size of a bathtub. So he will live and build his life to stay within the container of the bathtub. So let’s say you came into his life and started filling that bathtub even more. Let’s say the water started to get to the top and is super super close to overflowing. His system, from a subconscious place, the place where fear and lies will burrow and grow, will say “Hey!!!! We are about to overflow so we need to let some water out!!!” So something deep within him, would influence his need to sabotage…hence he decides to disconnect and make sure he doesn’t feel happy for too long…so the water stays within the safe range. I’m not saying this is for sure what happened for him, but this is a functioning pattern in humanity. Happiness is terrifying to the parts of us that carry our fears, our limiting beliefs, the lies we invest in and our low self-esteem. These parts of us will “protect” us against being happy. So the way to increase the size of the bathtub is to journey INTO the fears, the lies, the programs etc. and release them and replace them with truth….hence increased high self-esteem….hence the bathtub gets a little bigger.
People are always so confused about why someone sabotages something they really wanted. This is the general concept as to what the psyche does. There are a lot more details to this concept, but I think you get the idea….yes?
This is why I became an expert on reading subconscious signals…I could see what a person was saying and doing but also see what is living in their subconscious because I know how the subconscious speaks. Does the conscious and subconscious match?? Do they not match? If they don’t match, there is a split…one part of them supporting their happiness and alignment and another part sabotaging it. This allows me to see the FULL picture of someone vs. just going off of what is presented to me. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hey there,
So are you a little sweet on Jeop? Or is he just a friend? Or maybe you don’t know him well enough yet?
I’m so sorry you are struggling so much. I know how awful it is to be somewhere you don’t want to be. It takes an incredible amount of energy and life force to get through the day. I love your shift in perspective though. Every day it’s going to be practice for you to pay attention to what you DO have. What IS working for you? Keeping your focus on those aspects will help you deal with the depression and find a place of gratitude and acceptance for where you are at right now.
Are you journaling at all? I know you don’t have your mountains. I actually understand what you mean about not feeling like yourself without the mountains. I’m the same way. Nature connects me to a part of myself that only nature can. I’m so grateful to be surrounded by this kind of beauty. Being that it’s not available for you right now, the great thing is, it can help you get to know other parts of yourself. It’s kind of like losing a sense. When you lose your eyesight, your hearing becomes more intensified, right? So without your mountains, you get to explore other ways to source your spirit and find joy. You get to be creative in your discoveries. Experiment with EVERYTHING! Painting, singing, dancing, writing a book, writing letters to your sons/grandkids, learning a new language, knitting….I mean the list is a gazillion miles long about how you can access your creativity, your heart, your joy and start to really source yourself in new ways. Depression is so entirely consuming and will color EVERYTHING gray, so you need to fight harder to put color into your day while you are there. And also find ways to express and move your anger, your confusion, your depression. Journaling is a great pathway, EFT, screaming into a pillow and there are a TON more techniques you can be doing daily for yourself to help you work with the feelings you are carrying around. Now is the time to proactive and really take care of yourself.
Heidi
Wow! Incredibly unusual to have a happy childhood. I love it!! While your parents were amazing in general, they are still human. There may have been moments when they were not at their best and rejected you, didn’t listen to you, didn’t support you etc. These kinds of moments happen in school as well. What about any siblings? SOMETHING in you has sought out men that were rejecting. You were in a loveless marriage for 20 years. You are now chasing after a guy who isn’t chasing you back. So your pattern with men is to attract emotionally unavailable men. Not that it’s all on you, of course. It’s just about looking at your side of things and starting to really connect to how you design your romantic life.
It could even be that you grew up with parents that were really good role models, so you never saw or learned about the challenges, signs and dysfunction that shows up in a person. So you inherently trust a guy and what he says, because you don’t really have a radar for anything else. I’m curious though…what made you stay in a loveless marriage for 20 years…especially when that is quite the opposite of what your parents role modeled for you?
What is your belief about yourself when it comes to love? Do you believe you deserve to be treated like a queen? Valued? Honored? Respected? Do you believe that you are just unlucky when it comes to love? Do you feel that maybe it’s not meant for you? I’m looking for some of your common thoughts and feelings you have about yourself in relationship to love.
Heidi
LOL! I actually have been told by many people that I need to write a book 🙂 It’s actually been coming up a lot stronger in me this past year. It’s funny that you said what you said. Such a confirmation for me. Thank you thank you!
Deeper self-love is a journey. I liken it to a treasure hunt. The ultimate treasures are the rare, valuable pieces you find of yourself. The map along the way is life…the pain, the hurt, the joy, the gratitude…it all guides us closer and closer towards discovering those parts of ourselves that aren’t quite integrated yet.
Most of those parts get separated from us when we are younger. It’s fascinating actually, how our brains and spirits work in unison to help us get past traumas or disruptions. For example, when a trauma occurs, it’s stored in state specific form. Meaning, if I was traumatized at 2 years old, it stores in my brain as a 2 year old. When that network gets activated, let’s say because I was rejected by a guy and it triggers the rejection of my mother or father at 2 years old, my reaction to that current rejection is sourced by a 2 year old mentality. That’s why pain is such an incredible gift and gateway to transformation. It tells us what we have not resolved yet. It tells us where those parts of ourselves are still stuck and it gives us an opportunity to connect, love and have compassion for our parts that are still holding onto the pain. This is where deep, powerful self-love is most impactful. This is where we learn to source ourselves and heal ourselves and not rely on someone else (who happened to press the button of that network) to help us feel better. Other people can help us, but ultimately, it is OUR pain that is so unique to us that only we can do the real work for true healing. It’s a forever journey.
Are there moments from your past that this rejection you are dealing with has triggered?
Heidi
It’s much more powerful to embrace my worth and let things be and just let it speak for itself. This is the truest and most powerful thing you have said!
I can’t help but think that if I find the right words to say he will be more willing to talk. Really? And what “words” do you think you can say? I bring you back to this question: Is it a loving and compassionate and connective thing for you to chase after a guy who doesn’t want to be connected?
But the emotional side of me, my warrior side, my passionate side, my caring side, doesn’t want me to give up on him. You are looking outside of yourself (to him) to resolve this pain inside, instead of claiming it, owning it and shifting it yourself. We all do this. We want the person who hurt us, to make us feel better. Instead, the power and healing lies within YOU, not him. I like to ask this question “What is it that I am wanting him to do or be for me, that I am not willing to do or be for myself?” This is a question you can apply to ANY situation where someone is not behaving like you want them to. When you find yourself trying to get something from someone they are not willing to give, then it’s time for you to source yourself. Give to yourself what you are craving and wanting from them. His absence is giving you the map to the greatest treasure you could ever attain…YOU. YOU are the treasure. The pain is the map. The pain points tell you where your “fault lines” exist – where the cracks in your self-esteem hold the deep, dark wounds – where the pain is so you can heal those parts of yourself.
So instead of looking at him to help you feel better, look inside and work WITH your pain. Your hurt has a story. What’s the story? What part of you is holding onto the need to control this situation? What part of you is not loving you? What part of you wants to chase after a guy who isn’t interested? Connect with those parts of yourself and hear your story. What are the lies you are carrying around about yourself? What are the limiting, false beliefs that are running in your veins? This journey is where you will start to find some answers and where you have the power to heal yourself in MUCH GREATER ways compared to if you got this guy to re-connect with you. He is just a bandaid to the hurt you are carrying.
As far as how to handle him maybe re-connecting, I don’t know. We are all changing every single day. Who knows who you will be by then and vice versa. Your energy is best spent on yourself right now and then trust that IF he reaches out, you will decide what to do at that moment. Instead, focus on right now…your SELF.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Rehab!
Thank you so much for your kind words! They were so beautiful and touched my heart. It’s a wonderful way to start my day 🙂
How can a woman keep a man’s love and not just be a passive reactor to what he does and decides?? This is a great question and there are a lot of layers to the answer that are far from simple. I’ll do my best to try and explain this.
First, the core truth is, we don’t “own” or “keep” love. Nobody does. That is a mindset that puts love into a very small box. Love cannot be kept, controlled, owned or contained on any level. Trying to approach love by thinking you can “do” anything with it or for it when it’s someone else’s love, is a path that is quite uncomfortable and “love” will teach you otherwise. Love itself is a very powerful force that has to be free. It’s a transformative energy, so the best mindset to have with love is “What can I do to support it’s expression…whatever that may be?” Sometimes love will cause harm, sometimes love will heal, sometimes love will disappear. It’s a force that is indescribable and it’s a force that takes the shape of the heart that touches it. That’s why we all experience love so differently. So there is nothing you can “do” to keep a man’s love. Your focus instead needs to be on you. The questions you need to be asking instead are “How can I become a larger container for love within myself? What can I do to love myself more deeply? What are the fears, limitations and programs I carry around love?” Being that we each are a unique container for love to be expressed through, when we shift ourselves, our beliefs, our hurts, our fears, we are able to be in relationship with love in a much more powerful, clear and authentic way. You want to focus on how to keep a man’s love, but the more powerful focus is actually focusing on your own container for love. The more love, the higher frequency of love you can carry, you will be able to hold space for another person’s higher frequency kind of love. In the end though, there still is no answer to your question. You are asking for some kind of formula or something to do or not do to keep a man’s love and no such thing exists. Love is a risk and there is no way around that. It’s unpredictable, as you know, and you cannot control how someone else chooses to be in relationship with the love they carry within them. It’s like trying to control a giant wave in the ocean. You can’t. All you can do is figure out how to play with it, be cautious because it can hurt you, learn every aspect about it so you can appreciate it’s true power and beauty, respect it and most of all, just let it be what it is….free to move and take shape how it feels like taking shape.
I keep thinking that I failed to retain his love and keep his investment Yes, you failed. It didn’t work and part of why it didn’t work was because of you. But let’s look at a deeper truth. What about you made it fail? Is it possible that you were “too” great in his mind and he wasn’t ready to feel that happy? Yes. Is it possible that he knew he would end up hurting the best woman he has ever had the pleasure of being with? Yes. Is it possible that your love scared the shit out of him? Yes. Is it possible that he just felt like the vibe wasn’t quite what he was looking for? Yes. I could come up with a million different scenarios. Yes, it didn’t work partly because of you, but whatever it was that you were contributing may actually be things you wouldn’t even change about yourself. The truth is, you don’t even know HOW you failed. All you know is that what you did, didn’t work. But your mind is turning this failure into something you could have controlled. You are trying to avoid the pain of “failure” by figuring out the formula to keep a man’s love. What is even more true is that you don’t know this ins and outs of this guy. I like to say “It’s not rejection. It’s redirection.” It feels awful now, but why not choose to trust that it turned out this way for reasons far beyond your understanding and that’s okay. I can’t tell you how many times, even years later, that I learned something about a guy I dated and was incredibly relieved thinking “Man…I dodged a bullet with that one.” Did I know that in the moment? Nope. Did I understand anything other than it hurt like crazy in the moment? Nope. I had to let go and really embrace what was.
The layer most people do not work with when it comes to love…or anything for that matter…is that we are powerless. We always are and we always will be. Life throws up curve balls and we cannot change that it’s here. We can change our relationship to it though. We can learn to be comfortable with being powerless. We can let go of our need to control so we can ride the wave more peacefully and be open to receiving the lessons that are before us. It doesn’t mean we don’t hurt or feel depression or feel like failures. It just means that is part of the ride and the ultimate flow is deeply loving and connecting with ourselves in that.
You are sourcing yourself well with people and things outside of you, but what are you doing for self love? How are you loving yourself through this? You are feeling like a failure, but how are you loving yourself while feeling like that? Are you REALLY a failure just because something didn’t work? And why are you calling it failure? According to whose ideas is it a failure? Because from my perspective, it’s just a connection that fizzled out because it NEEDED to fizzle out. Thomas Edison once said “I did not fail a thousand times. The light bulb was an invention with a thousand steps.”
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
In order for us coaches to make sure we get to everyone, it’s helpful if each person has their own thread. Would you mind post what your question on a separate post so we can focus only on you?
Here is a super quick response though. It’s not YOUR job to figure out what is causing his ED. That’s his job. If he is not doing any kind of research or trying to figure out what is happening, my first guess is…this is something he has been dealing with for a long time and secondly, why isn’t he trying to figure this out himself? ED has MANY causes. It could be something as simple as his diet, it could be mental/emotional, it could be he is intimidated (I doubt it), it could be a hormone imbalance…and the list goes on. If this guy is not willing to figure it out, then that’s enough information you need to know about him. He most likely is a passive kind of guy in his life. Meaning…he lets life happen to him and he doesn’t do much about what shows up. Not really a great kind of guy to get involved with. I know you don’t want a relationship, but I’d invite you to REALLY explore more deeply within yourself. Texting every single day and meeting up weekly is definitely setting up the stage for relationship and moving in the direction of connecting more and more deeply. It’s a slippery slope you on with each other. My guess is, were he to disappear or find some other girl to hang with and he pulled some of his attention away from you, it would hurt and it would feel like a breakup of some sort.
Just some things to think about.
Heidi
Hahaha! That’s funny that he thinks there’s a lot of wildlife, but doesn’t actually know what that means. It’s all about perspective, right??? I remember living in Tennessee for a handful of years and people would tell me, “You HAVE to go to this restaurant! It’s the best in town.” So I’d go and think, sheesh…really? I’ve been exposed to top notch restaurants most of my life, but obviously they hadn’t. They didn’t know any better. It made me appreciate my experiences that much more!
Something is missing in me here (and in Sarnia and in Lousiana). That’s a looooong time to feel like something in you is missing. What is it? What are you not feeling?
So what kind so feelings/thoughts do you notice you have about yourself when you are being awkward? From what you just described, it sounds like it’s more occasional/situational awkwardness and not really something that happens a lot for you. Maybe it’s only with brand new people?
Heidi
