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Hi Jasmine!
Welcome to the forum! It sounds like you have been going through a lot. Do you know the reason for your weight gain? Do you have a pattern of getting violent or was the first time you reacted this way? Did he give specific reasons for breaking up? How did you react to the breakup?
What specifically are you doing for your healing? How are you getting more fit? How are you meeting new people? Does that mean you are going on dates or just expanding your social circle in general?
Whenever there is any kind abuse, whether physical or verbal, trust is broken and it’s a pretty difficult kind of trust to earn back if you, as the abuser, haven’t really shifted and changed that behavior. The fact that he stayed with you in the first place, tells me he has strong co-dependent tendencies that he also would need to work on as well, so your relationship can become more healthy and balanced. Even if you were to completely shift and relate to him in more respectful and healthy ways, if he doesn’t do his own personal work as well, he wouldn’t be a healthy counterpart.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I can feel how tired you are. I can feel how getting through your day would feel exhausting, just to even do the basics. I’ve been tired like that before too, especially in this last year. It’s a very interesting kind of tired and I have found and discovered new parts of myself in that space and also learned new ways to work with myself when I’m there. Have you learned anything new about yourself? You are such an explorer.
My website is heidigoodrich.com. I love working with this company, so I can’t imagine ever leaving, but you know my website now just in case 🙂
Heidi
Vino! You’ve been strong on my heart the past month. Now I know why. It’s so great to hear from you. You are struggling. Do you typically have a hard time around your birthday because it’s mother’s day as well? I’m a May baby as well! May 3. I want to say happy belated birthday and that I am soooo glad you have crossed my path. I have become more of myself through our interactions your life has mattered and impacted mine. Thank you for still being here!
So you are still going through the annulment process?? I thought everything was completely severed for a while now. I guess we never talked about the details of any of it. I can see why you got to so angry. People that you wanted to support you, did not show up the way you needed. That is always incredibly difficult. It feels like a betrayal. You came up with the strength to finally get away from him though, which is the most important thing ever. Thank goodness you did! So what happens now? If you don’t have the witnesses you need, what will happen next?
Victimhood is when you magnify the injury done to you. Self-betrayal is the opposite – when you minimize the injury you sustained. I’m going to offer a different way to view this and you can take it or leave it, of course. Victimhood is not necessarily about magnifying anything, but more about a specific kind of mindset. I’ve had the victim mentality many times, but I tend to hide it. Someone who magnifies it has a high need for attention and love and needing to be cared about. A side effect of self-betrayal is minimizing the injury. Self-betrayal is more about not honoring or aligning with your core values, your feelings, your intuition, your desires, your goals. It’s when you disappear and make someone else more important than yourself in a situation. We have all done that and will do it many more times. It’s a normal part of life and how we discover where we end and someone else starts. That’s the beauty of any kind of relationship…it helps us know who we are and are not.
and ANY couple can choose to build such a relationship by studying the natural skills of a successful twin flame couple, and applying it to their own relationship. That’s my theory. It’s easy to get tied up in the “twin flame” story. I’ve studied it quite a bit as well and there are plenty of twin flame relationships that are chaotic and destructive. Twin flame doesn’t necessarily mean you should be in relationship with that person. I listened to a podcast with a coach who specialized in twin flame relationships and she said that twin flames are typically very chaotic and triggering relationships. Twin flames are meant to cause growth, are meant to challenge, are meant to stretch us into a better version of ourselves and many times, it’s for a season and not a long term romantic kind of relationship. There are other titles as well that hold the same kind of energetic imprint to define the kind of connection you have with someone. To be honest, I throw all of it out the window, because people have so many different definitions about twin flames and other titles that are being tossed around. To me, the title doesn’t matter. The connection is what it is, regardless of the name of it. There are connections that will imprint on you forever and there are connections you will forget as soon as the moment passes…and everything in between of course. JB obviously has had the largest imprint on you compared to anyone else and you make exceptions for him that you have never made for anyone else. You could be soul family, you could be twin flames, you could have a star connection etc. Regardless, the kind of bond you have with him is extremely powerful. Releasing this kind of bond and letting it take a different shape is incredibly difficult (I have had to do this before).
i’m not going to talk to anyone about anything anymore. good or bad. unless someone talks to me – i’m done sharing. Well…if this is who you want to be how you want to live your life, you get to do that. What is more important than anything, is that you honor the WHOLE of who you are. It sounds like you are more speaking from a wounded part of you vs. the whole of who you are. Just my perception from the words you are using, which makes my perception very limited of course. Maybe at some point, you will be interested in making your life a little bigger. People hurt AND people love and heal. We all offer both kinds of experiences. It sounds like you are just not interested in any of that anymore…except with your children and JB. So be it! It’s more peaceful that way and when you are tired to the level that you are tired, I don’t blame you for wanting to keep your world that small.
Hi Charity,
I am sooooo so sorry that you are having to deal with this. It’s so easy for everyone to tell you that you deserve better and even though you know this is true, it doesn’t change that you have been together for a long time and you love him. You were going to build a future together and letting that go is so incredibly difficult.
The first thing I want to say is that it’s not your job to figure out what HIS story is. That is his job. Your focus needs to be on you and how to help yourself through this. Him needing a break to find himself is him needing to go do whatever it is that he feels inside. If it’s to go screw around with a bunch of girls, then that’s what it is. If it’s to be alone, build his own life for awhile, then that’s what it is. From how you describe his relationship with this other girl, he most likely has been with her for a while. He isn’t ready to get married. Of course he still loves you, but has no clue what he is feeling right now…hence “needing a break.” I imagine that it just means that he is so uncomfortable inside and that maybe once he figures things out, he will feel about you the way he WANTS to feel….clear, madly in love, nothing stopping him from wanting to build a life with you. That’s not how he feels right now, so he made the wise choice to let you go and try figure things out instead of getting married. I know it hurts though. I know it’s confusing. He is confused too, but again, let him figure out his “why” and you can spend your energy just focusing on what you want and need now.
I know that a lot would have to change if I did take him back and that this girl would definitely have to never be in our lives again if I did take him back too. What would have to change? Also, I understand how you feel about this girl and I don’t blame you. There is a danger though, in telling someone what they are “allowed” and “not allowed” to do. This makes you his mother. HE needs to make this choice on his own. You demanding that from him can easily activate his need to rebel. He is not a child who can be told who he is “allowed” to talk to or not. Relationships work and last when both people have the freedom to design their lives the way they WANT to. If he still wants to have her in his life, then you either accept that about him or you don’t and you let him go because he is not a guy who is like-minded with you. Creating a space for freedom to be who he WANTS to be allows you to truly see him for who he REALLY is. If you discover you don’t feel emotionally safe with his choices, then that is something you NEED to know about him. You need a guy who WANTS to make choices that protect your connection. He has not been doing that, so it breaks trust and emotional safety. You chose to stay connected anyways, so this is about you looking at your own choices to stay with a guy who wasn’t supporting the kind of relationship you both agreed to.
I’m curious…did you really love your relationship? Did you deeply feel cared about, supported and loved by him? Did you feel that about him and treat him that way? Did you REALLY want to marry him and spend the rest of your life with this guy?
Heidi
I’m so glad you are working learning about yourself and learning to shift how you interact. This is a tough one because he held it in for soooo long, so it just grew and grew inside of him. This is HIS issue and also a very destructive pattern. Even if you completely shift, it will not change that he avoids being honest. This kind of pattern also sabotages intimacy and connection. He also needs to do his part. Do you think this is something he would be willing to do at some point? Is he open to seeing a therapist as well? Does he take any responsibility for how he contributed to his own unhappiness?
First and foremost, he is going to need some time. He has been unhappy in the relationship for such a long time, that those negative thoughts will need time to subside. How much time? Everyone is different. What will help is him knowing that you are working on yourself and then having different experiences with you so he feels and sees that you are changing and that he won’t be stepping back into the same pattern. He doesn’t feel safe with you, so that is your first priority…to create a space for emotional safety. He also needs to create it in himself, so no matter how much you do, he still needs to do his part in order for things to work. You both created this pattern and it’s going to take both of you to undo it. He has broken trust as well by not being honest.
Do you guys still talk or interact at all right now?
Heidi
Oh good! I’m glad you have more of an understanding about what I am saying! I’m not sure if you will receive this message. I hope so!
Any reaching out I want to do, any of these “right words” I wish I could say would be to help him think differently about our relationship, not about who I am. This makes much more sense. Thank you for explaining further. I wish you could do that as well. Let’s look at the position that puts you in though. You become the teacher. You become the person who has the strength to view life from many perspectives and he becomes the person who learns those perspectives FROM YOU, instead of searching for them on his own. You become the grower and he becomes the student who watches and learns from you. I’ve been in this kind of dynamic a gazillion times! It starts out so minimal and just small moments, but over time it grows and grows and grows because I cannot help who I am or what I know and the guy cannot help but learn from me. And the truth is…it would always makes things last longer and I knew that. I could help them think and feel in more expanded ways and help the relationship become more functional. It never lasted though. It’s an unbalanced dynamic and it’s a dynamic where you are not equals. You need a guy who has the strength to take his own journeys inside. You need a guy who is more emotionally intelligent. You need a guy who can communicate with you about the depths of who he is, why he is feeling the way he does and how he takes ACTION to work with those parts. Isn’t that who you are? You offer that in connection and receiving anything less than that in return, will make the relationship very challenging long term. You need a guy who approaches life and himself in a similar way that you do. Relationships are hard enough as it is, so being likeminded in how you solve challenges within and without is a crucial piece of a love that can last and grow. I know you guys flowed really well together, but he now showing you another side to him and how he wants to handle things. This is enough information to tell you he doesn’t have what it takes for the type of relationship you truly need in order for you to feel safe and nourished long term. His decision to disconnect completely, for reasons he won’t tell you, is PLENTY enough information for you to know that this kind of decision comes from a low functioning, disrespectful, unconscious mindset. He doesn’t need you to teach him anything. If he wants to learn something, he can go find the answers himself. He needs you to ACCEPT and see him for ALL of who he is and this side of him is pretty dysfunctional. It doesn’t matter that you think he may still want to connect or that he still has feelings for you, you have look at what his choice is. If those things are true, he is STILL choosing to disconnect and not talk to you about it. That says A LOT in and of itself.
That’s why I am wishing I could just say something to help him think things through a little differently and have a little more control to get a result I want Let’s really look at the last part of this statement “to get the result I want.” Oh man…this is a tough one. We all feel this way a gazillion times in a lifetime. What I always say to myself is that I am getting exactly what I need, even though it may not be what I want. What I want, comes from a limited perspective. What I want comes from seeing a grain of sand on a beach. What I want comes from the ego. What we need can be a completely different thing and I suppose I trust that more than anything. The person I have become up to this point, I wouldn’t trade for 1 second. All those moments of NOT getting what I wanted shaped me and developed an internal strength that feels so damn good! So I have ALWAYS gotten what I needed, even though it never felt good.
Shouldn’t I be able to have a say if it involves me? But I envy her ability to do SOMETHING. Yes! You can be and say anything you want to! I always encourage people to say what they need to, but to let go of the result. So if you want to say something to him, then go ahead. BUT…do it for you and not for him to come back to you. Do it just because you have something to say and you want to express it and then…let it all go. What I encourage first though, is to write out over and over and over again. Get the energy out, get the words out and do not edit. I’ve even done that in that car many times, talking into a recorder. There are a lot of things to consider when deciding how to express what you want to say and who to say it to and the most important question is “WHY” do you need to say it. Most of the time, we are seeking some kind of result and that’s something that can cause a lot more damage. There’s a lot to consider when wanting to say something to someone who has disconnected from you. I most encourage working through things on your own and letting the person go, but sometimes, it can be very healing just to use your voice. So use it…talk into a recorder and let it all out many many times until you feel completely empty. You may not need to say anything to him after that.
I know I challenge a lot of your thoughts, but that helps me think deeper and understand better. Oh my goodness I so appreciate your honesty and strength to say something! It makes me better. I always am open to being challenged. It stretches me, helps me see where my own fault lines are and it creates a very honest connection. So thank you for being you!
My website is heidigoodrich.com if you feel like you would like to continue staying connected.
Take care Kelsey! It was a pleasure and honor taking this short journey with you!
I’ll ignore my fears and training not to call and call him this weekend. What fears? What training? I assume he is expecting your call, yes? I’m excited to hear how it goes!
I’m glad to hear that Ron is checking in on you. It sounds like he cares. It’s a tough situation you are in for sure. I love that you are getting grounded back into your faith and trust that you are exactly where you are supposed to be right now, even though you don’t understand it. I know how hard that is!
Yes!!! I saw the race!!! It was incredible and I’m sure a movie will be made about it at some point LOL. Everyone is talking about it! I can’t believe you heard about it all the way over there! I’m hoping there was nothing shady that went on. I know the jockey was suspended after the race. Horse racing is so hard for me. It’s beautiful and amazing but often times very unkind to the horses. Either way, it’s nice to hear people talking about something other than Covid or politics or Ukraine.
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more! It sounds like this is a pretty strong pattern for you to blame. Why do you think that is? What is happening for you that need to point the finger?
This is a pattern that is very destructive for any kind of relationship. Is this something you are willing to shift and work on? It sounds like he would just joke about it instead of being honest in the moment about how it made him feel. Is this his normal pattern as well?
Heidi
I feel a little misunderstood and hurt. I am whole and complete as a person—with or without him. OMG! Thank you for saying this!!! I’m so so sorry that you feel misunderstood and hurt by what I said. It’s so darn difficult on this forum sometimes to communicate in a way that is clear. I did not mean at all to make you feel like you were not a complete person. You are a very strong and grounded person and I’ve felt that from the beginning. I don’t feel at all that you need this guy to define you. It’s quite the opposite actually, but I can see why you felt this way. Everything I am talking about is shining a light on a PART of you, but is in no way a reflection of the whole person you are. I am just putting a magnifying glass on the part of you that is not aligned with the truth that the rest of you is aligned with. Does this make more sense?
I am human, so I do have cracks, but I don’t expect anyone to fill those. That is not why I am wanting to still connect with him. I said what I said because of this statement: I can’t help but think that if I find the right words to say he will be more willing to talk. This is a story running in your system saying “If I were better, if I were more, if I were something different, then he might talk to me.” If you feel into those words, it’s basically saying that you are not enough just as you are and that if you said something “right” he might re-connect. Wouldn’t you say that a guy should want to connect with you because he is interested in your entire being and he KNOWS, without hesitation, that you are someone he wants in his life, regardless of what you say or don’t say? You are so much more than any of the “right” words you think you should be saying to him. You are a beautiful, powerful, authentic, loving, strong woman. If he is not able to connect into that and be inspired by the WHOLE being that you are, then saying the “right” words are worth nothing because you are already enough and worth loving and fighting for without the “right” words. You are worth loving, even when you don’t have the “right” words, you are worth loving even when you say the wrong things, even when you are really messy, even with the baggage you carry. This guy is not able to offer you that kind of experience…at least not right now. Does this make more sense about what I am saying?
With all of that being said, I do know that you know all of this already. I can tell by what you say, that you have a strong and solid connection with yourself and I’m not saying anything new to you. AND…there is a part of you, that doesn’t know this. There is a part of you that said “if I could just say the right words…” that isn’t aligned with the truth that you already know about your value. You got triggered by his choice and that trigger is exposing this little girl energy that believes if she were something different, then she would be loveable. Your adult self knows otherwise though. I’m shining the light on this part of you because it’s her energy that will keep you stuck in pain and not able to process the loss.
I just see others able to take more control of situations like this and get what they need and want. I’m tired of just accepting whatever happens happens when I can have more of a say. This is an interesting statement. Tell me more about this. What makes you think you have more of a say? What aspects do you feel you can have more of a say about? And what makes you think that others are getting what they need and want? What are they taking control of?
I don’t feel like connection with him is a bandaid. I want to be with him and nothing seemed wrong. I don’t believe he 100% wanted to stop talking. This is a very slippery slope here. I completely understand how you feel AND I’ve done tons of deep work on myself and others to discover that the hurt I feel when I lose someone is ALWAYS riddled with lies, insecurities, limiting beliefs, low self-esteem. If you are hurting, that is a sign that you are not fully connected to the truth. That’s why I’m saying it’s a bandaid. You are hurting and there is a part of you that wants out of that pain by connecting with him again. That’s the bandaid part I’m talking about. Wanting to take that route of an outside source helping you feel better. There is nothing wrong with that route, except that it’s not available for you. He is not available. So that leaves you with yourself and having to love yourself through this loss and disappointment, like you have many times before.
Is it possible to hurt simply because you miss someone? I’m going to say no to this one. I know it’s bold to say, but I’ve just had too many experiences that tell me otherwise. If I miss someone, it’s that I’m missing the part of myself that he brought out in me. I miss how I get to feel. I miss the part of me that he activated. I miss someone because of what is in ME. Every single time that I have deeply missed a guy, it gets resolved 100% of the time when I heal the hurt, the stories, the low self-esteem, the confusion or whatever it is that got activated by the loss. When I heal those fragmenteted little girl parts of myself, what I am always left with is peace and clarity. I may miss the connection or how I got to feel, but it’s a different kind of missing where I have no need to re-connect. It’s kind of like a “I appreciate you so much for what you brought into my world and I will miss the mixture of that AND I’m all good. I’m peaceful, I’m resolved, I’m clear, I’m happy and I’m grateful for the experience. End of story.” It’s really hard to explain how that feels unless you’ve experienced it. Maybe you have, I don’t know. I just know that when there is an energy and a draw of wanting to bring someone back into your life that is not available for you, there is a lot of wounded energy sourcing that need and sourcing the hurt and that is what it feels like when you speak.
I do want to say it’s NOT the whole story. I’m focusing only on the struggle part of it. I do see the beauty and power that experiencing him has brought you. It sounds like it was a really wonderful connection and I’m so sad that it changed…that he changed. It’s so frustrating, confusing and many other words I’m not allowed to say :). It’s so incredibly difficult to let go of something that felt so darn good.
I’ve tried to work on myself, tried talking to other guys, I’ve gone out with friends. What EXACTLY are you doing to work on yourself? I’m interested in hearing how you are working with your hurt, besides meeting other guys and going out with friends. That stuff is helpful for sure and important, but it’s not healing kind of work. What else are you doing?
Let me know your thoughts.
Heidi
I have an observation which I am not sure of its accuracy , is that most men, the great majority are emotionally unavailable and perhaps feel somewhat threatened by the notion of having to have such connection This observation I would say applies to women as well. It applies to all of us on some level, if you really think about it. It just depends on your own emotional availability compared to the person you are sitting in front of. Love is a quite a challenging thing for most people. Like I explained about the happy factor, a woman could FEEL like she is available, but I have seen PLENTY of times, they meet a nice guy who treats them so beautifully and they get everything they want, but end up sabotaging it. So I’d say it’s more of a human condition vs. a male thing. Men do have a lot of catching up to do, but women I also find can be quite chaotic. The biggest complain men have about women is how confusing they are. They say one thing but do another. Men are incredibly confused about women because women can be quite unorganized emotionally. BUT…men can trigger that for sure. Men have a really hard time with emotions compared to women. So that’s the beautiful dance we get to have with each other. We each have our limitations both collectively and personally and it’s important to honor our differences, our challenges and our limitations. That’s where self-love comes in. The more you are able to love your own limitations, the more accepting and honoring you become of others, right? But accepting and honoring their limitations, DOES NOT MEAN you should be in a relationship with them. It just means not judging them.
Focusing on self love and connection to our selves can guide to some extent , not sure it will help arriving at the final destination however in relationships as two make a tango…right ? There are 2 things about this. First, there is NO final destination. Falling in love and meeting your partner is not a final destination, because even in that, there could be endings in some form or another and you have to process the loss and keep moving forward, right? The JOURNEY is the destination. It’s in every single moment that we are in, where our destination lies. That’s the challenge. I coach people to view dating as a teacher. Let it teach you about yourself. Stop looking for “the one” and view each experience as a perspective to view yourself. Each person reflects back to you who you are. Each person brings out different sides of you. Each person exposes your strengths and weaknesses. THAT is your destination, not love with another person. Each person is an opportunity for you to increase your self love. That’s the ultimate, most powerful thing you could ever posses and develop. It might be in your 60s that you finally get to have that self love reach out to another man that welcomes it with open arms. It might be never. It might be next week. We never know what is ahead of us each day. What we DO know though, is the more self-love you have, the higher quality love you will be able to create the container for. When you love and respect yourself, you set standards, you don’t ignore red flags, you are able to love limitations in your partner, you are able to support a love that can grow and expand beyond what you could even imagine. Dating is the platform to practice all of those things, right? This guy who has disconnected is giving you the opportunity to wake up to more of who you are…to connect more deeply to your value, to inspire you to learn new things that are important for you, to accept him for his limitations and honor them by not judging him or chasing after him. He is a painful gift, but a gift none the less. If this experience DEEPLY strengthened your self-love and helped you learn some new things about yourself, would you NOT want this to have happened the way it did? Would you give all the gifts back in trade for a longer connection with him?
Heidi
Hi Emma,
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge and situation. It’s quite the powerless feeling to not be able to help someone you deeply care about. Being so far away is incredibly difficult.
My guess is, you have never met in person, correct? Did you guys ever make any plans to meet in person?
I know you love him and I know he treated you in such special ways that were meaningful for you. The thing about someone who is depressed and self-harming, is their love is VERY limited. A basic rule is no one can offer you something they are not able to give to themselves. Someone in that mindset is NOT self-loving and therefore not really able to love you in a healthy, high functioning way. If he doesn’t know his own worth, then he will heavily rely on you for that and it’s not your job and it’s an incredibly damaging pattern to both you and him.
I know you will most likely completely reject this idea, as most people do. The thing about only knowing someone through technology is you only get to see bits and pieces of them. Truly knowing someone is seeing and experiencing them IN THE MOMENT in many different situations. I know there is a strong connection, but that connection is built off of a very limited perspective and then your mind builds out the rest of his personality based on your imagination. It’s what our mind naturally does to fill in the gaps. It’s even possible that he is making all of this up too. I’ve come across PLENTY of women who have had boyfriends for many many months that all of a sudden break things off and then later it is discovered they were being “played.” There are PLENTY of predators of all kinds, hanging out on online dating sites looking for a woman who will play into their game. I’m not saying this is your situation. I’m just saying there are many possibilities about what is actually happening here and why he is choosing to disconnect. The ONLY evidence you have are his words and that’s just not enough evidence to prove anything. This is where most women completely reject the idea because their hearts are telling them something very different, so I get your desire to want to keep him in your life.
The bottom line truth is, if this guy’s depression and self-harming are still present in his life, he is NOT available for any kind of relationship until he deals head on with those feelings. The entire relationship would end up being about him. You would end up being so scared to confront him about anything because it would trigger his harmful behaviors. That is no way to live in a relationship AND it’s a very limited kind of love that turns more into enabling than anything else. He is not set up to have nor offer a healthy, nourishing love that grows and expands and can last. I know that is so incredibly difficult to face because your heart is hurting and so badly wants to connect with him. In truth, he may be doing you the very best favor by keeping you away from him because his love REALLY is not enough and he knows that. Trust him to make the very best decision for himself.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Soldy,
Wow. 8 years is a long time! Have you guys ever broken up before? Do you normally blame him for everything? Is that how you feel?
There is some truth in what he is saying. Anytime someone blames someone else for how they are feeling, it’s a victim mindset. We all feel the way we feel because of all the experiences that have shaped up combined with our personalities. There is a lot to talk about on this topic, but let me just ask you first, what do you want from him? What are you needing? Are you willing to learn a different way of communicating that makes him your partner vs. the perpetrator?
Heidi
I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time. Ever since I’ve known you, your job has been incredibly challenging in one way or another. You haven’t been happy to be where you are at in many years.
I know you are blaming yourself for not listening better to God. With that kind of thinking, are you saying that if you listen to God, only good things happen? Is that how you believe? What if this is EXACTLY where God needs you to be? What if there is something here for you or for someone else that just hasn’t been exposed yet? What if you being there is stretching and challenging you to become something more inside, or develop a new skillset, or meet someone who will change your life 5 years down the road? Would you say that God is so much bigger than any challenge we face and that our happiness is not what is always the most important? The challenge, the hardship, the struggles are what shape us into something new. Can’t God work that way as well? So to say this is your fault, is a pretty limited perspective. Why not view this as struggle being part of your path very purposefully? What can you learn about yourself while going through this? What new ways can you learn to handle depression? What can you do to release the anger you feel? How can you connect to God’s beautiful country that you get to see over there? How can this situation serve you? If you search for the gifts in all of this, it makes all these challenges that much more do-able. Of course the frustrations don’t go away, but your attitude towards them can shift. Why not believe that God WANTS you there and that everything is happening exactly as it’s supposed to be happening and you don’t see all the aspects of why you are there yet? If that’s your viewpoint and TRULY believed God wants you there and this is not a mistake, then how can you be a servant to God while you are there? How can you embrace the challenges differently? Maybe go connect again with the Bible and read some of the stories of people that followed God clearly, yet faced incredible hardship. There was a higher purpose, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy and happy and cozy. Many times, it’s quite the opposite. Keep finding ways to encourage yourself and embrace where you are at right now instead of wasting your energy on regret and blaming yourself.
So now that you paid more for silver singles, were you able to connect with Aleks? Did he respond? That definitely is an expensive conversation, but who knows, maybe he will turn out to be pretty great or maybe someone else will that you will meet that way.
Oh poor Trav!!!! How awful! I think we have all had moments like that and it’s so incredibly frustrating. I love his efforts though. It’s a lesson in patience, right??? Man, that sucks.
Heidi
I think my pattern is I fall for men who chase woo and flood me with love , then I’m full on with them and give with no limit and then I loose their love Yes, I’ve come across this pattern before…mostly from women. The reasons and what sources this pattern exists is unique to each person, but there is a common thread. I’m not saying this is you, because I haven’t worked with you, but what I have found in the past is the women are missing all kinds of signals coming from the man. They are subconscious signals mostly. It’s not unusual for these to be missed because most people do not understand the language of the subconscious, yet it leaks out everywhere, all the time, especially when it comes to love. The signals are mostly subtle but sometimes quite obvious, but it’s not unusual for the energy of the connection to be much bigger and stronger than the subconscious signals where the red flags exist. When someone feels soooo good and passionate and chasing after you, that’s what tends to be focused on and felt and everything else falls to the side.
I’m wondering if that is what is happening for you. You might have this inherent trust that what someone says and does is what is real and true for them. When it comes to dating and love, this is not actually the case many times, especially in the beginning when you are getting to know someone and in the honeymoon/easy phase. The thing is, very few people do not even know they are sending off red flags, because they don’t even know their own subconscious signals telling them about how they REALLY feel. This is where most people are split. They act and say one thing, but then other things and actions they do are not in alignment. Like your guy…he says some amazing things about you and chased after you and strongly connected, but then wants to disconnect. Why? Who knows the real reasons, but whatever reason it is, it’s much bigger than his desire to connect with you. He either is not telling you something OR it’s his fears that are creeping up from his subconscious and influencing his need to disconnect.
For example, there is this thing I call the “happy factor.” We all have it. It’s our limit of how happy we will allow ourselves to be. The determining factor of how happy we can be is how much low self-esteem we carry deep within us. So someone who has A LOT of fear and low self-esteem, will not allow themselves to feel really happy. They might feel happy for a period of time, but it’s not sustainable. So let’s just use a bathtub as a visual. Let’s say this guy you are dating has a container for happiness the size of a bathtub. So he will live and build his life to stay within the container of the bathtub. So let’s say you came into his life and started filling that bathtub even more. Let’s say the water started to get to the top and is super super close to overflowing. His system, from a subconscious place, the place where fear and lies will burrow and grow, will say “Hey!!!! We are about to overflow so we need to let some water out!!!” So something deep within him, would influence his need to sabotage…hence he decides to disconnect and make sure he doesn’t feel happy for too long…so the water stays within the safe range. I’m not saying this is for sure what happened for him, but this is a functioning pattern in humanity. Happiness is terrifying to the parts of us that carry our fears, our limiting beliefs, the lies we invest in and our low self-esteem. These parts of us will “protect” us against being happy. So the way to increase the size of the bathtub is to journey INTO the fears, the lies, the programs etc. and release them and replace them with truth….hence increased high self-esteem….hence the bathtub gets a little bigger.
People are always so confused about why someone sabotages something they really wanted. This is the general concept as to what the psyche does. There are a lot more details to this concept, but I think you get the idea….yes?
This is why I became an expert on reading subconscious signals…I could see what a person was saying and doing but also see what is living in their subconscious because I know how the subconscious speaks. Does the conscious and subconscious match?? Do they not match? If they don’t match, there is a split…one part of them supporting their happiness and alignment and another part sabotaging it. This allows me to see the FULL picture of someone vs. just going off of what is presented to me. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
