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Thank you for sharing more!
I know it wasn’t the right thing to do cause I wasn’t single but I don’t think he considers it as cheating as well. You may not have physically cheated, but you emotionally cheated. You guys may not use that specific term, but the end result is exactly the same. He doesn’t trust you. He doesn’t feel safe with you. If you did it with him, that means you could do it to him.
But I also feel like I need to prove every day that I want to be with him and I won’t disappear anymore. The moment you step into “proving” anything to him, that’s the moment you lose yourself. If you have truly forgiven yourself and moved on from the past, there is nothing to prove. You cannot promise that you won’t disappear. Disappearing the way you did, is a coping mechanism. My guess is, it’s a pattern you have. Do you have a tendency to run away from confrontation? Do you tend to keep your feelings quiet? Do you have a habit of giving in to what someone wants so you don’t have to disappoint them? My point being, is that you are human and you have coping mechanisms that will hurt him and his coping mechanisms will hurt you too. It’s just part of being in a relationship with anyone. So there is nothing to “prove.” You cannot promise or guarantee any specific behavior and he has to be okay with that. If he isn’t, then he is too fragile to be in any kind of deep, committed relationship. You need to just be yourself. Proving anything to him is playing his game. It’s him holding the past against you and him not moving on. He isn’t forgiving you. He is holding onto the hurt as a barrier to protect himself. The truth is, you could absolutely disappear on him again and it is guaranteed you are going to hurt him again. He needs to come to terms with that if he is going to love you.
how do I not let things go to the point where he would actually “punish” me for things in the past? You don’t participate in this game. The moment you agree to “proving” anything, you are co-creating this dynamic. Have you talked with him about how you learned from your choices? You say you won’t disappear again, but what makes you think that’s true? You spent 4 years with a guy that was comfortable. That, in a way, is you disappearing from yourself and not fighting for more in your life. You spent 2 years connecting and disconnecting with a new guy and not being honest with the current guy. That was also you running away from yourself and not willing to truly face your feelings. You obviously feel clear at the moment, but your pattern of how you handle your feelings doesn’t just disappear. It’s a pattern that probably has existed in some sort of variation over many decades. And there’s nothing “wrong” with it! What’s important, is that if you are going to get him back, and if it’s going to be healthy and honest, you have to start with being honest with yourself. Any guy who is being invited into my world knows that my coping mechanism is to run away also. I tend to get very quiet, I disonnect, I become unreachable and I have very strong passive aggressive tendencies. I will ALWAYS be like this and it’s extremely hurtful to someone. So…my goal is to manage it in healthy ways and that is what I present to a partner. I let him know that this is me and I have a plan on how to handle myself when I start to disconnect. I teach him about some of the signs I might be showing and how he can identify them and even call me out on it. I make him part of my process. Does it work all the time? Of course not. We all are super messy when we get hurt in one way or another. That’s why it’s so incredibly important to develop your self love, your skills in stress management and also to have high communication with your partner. In the end, there is no guarantee that even with everything perfectly in place, that things will work out. Love is a risk. It’s going to hurt and it’s going to bring you joy in such powerful ways. Your guy is in a space of trying to find some sort of guarantee that you won’t hurt him again, he isn’t forgiving and letting go of the past and it’s all a way to try and not get hurt. It’s a battle he has already lost before it started, cuz it’s just not possible.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh wow! You both have really gone through a lot. There is a lot of history here, especially in the past couple of years of you disappearing and reappearing all the time, because you had a boyfriend. When you talk about what happened in the past and you cheating on your boyfriend with him, what do you say about it? How do you handle his fear about you doing the same thing to him?
His fears that are coming up I have no doubt have to do with the war and him facing death. You just happen to be a great target. By that, I mean, when someone is facing potential death and trauma, especially when it’s war and his whole entire life is about to change – he isn’t going to have a clue about what he wants to do with you. He is going to feel the spectrum of emotions from anger to resentment, to deep love and connection. Think about it…you are about to go off and maybe die and never see him again. Would you be able to think straight about a relationship that hasn’t been established yet? He is terrified and confused and all over the place, as most people would be. I imagine his coldness is his way of protecting himself. Maybe he doesn’t want to miss you and love you while he fighting a war. Maybe he feels he is doing the noble thing and protecting you from him dying. The less you feel, the less you hurt. Either way, coldness is a protective/survival mechanism, so he definitely is in a lot of fear.
I want to suggest to just put your relationship away for right now. He is doing something that is changing his entire life right now and it’s painful and hard and terrifying. Focus on supporting him. Stop trying to get something from him and just be his friend for right now. He needs consistency, he needs support, he needs encouragement. So what if he is cold. He is just afraid. Be there anyways. Keep sending him messages about home, funny videos to make him laugh, ask how he is doing etc. Talk about everything except the relationship. If he doesn’t respond, that’s okay. Don’t take it personal.
As far as talking about your past and cheating on your ex, if it comes up again, I would approach it in this way: “I know that what I did was not in my integrity. I learned I was capable of cheating and I didn’t know that about myself. I also learned that I can feel things I didn’t know were possible when you came along. And I was really scared. It’s a powerful connection that you and I have and I honestly didn’t know what to do with it. I wish I had handled everything differently, but I cannot take it back. The best I can do is learn so I can be a better partner. I’m not going to promise you that I won’t make the same mistake again. Now that I know I am capable of cheating, it makes me much more aware that I could do it again. With that being said, it also makes me more on high alert that if something like this starts to show up again, I know how to better handle it. Either way, I’m not perfect, I have learned and I want to be better. I have forgiven myself for how I behaved. If that is something you are not able to do, I will honor your choice, but it makes me sad for you that you feel you have to hold onto the past like this. It’s not how I want to live my life, so no matter how amazing our connection is, we are not like-minded in this and it will break us apart. So I’m interested in only holding onto the lessons of the past and nothing else. I understand that you don’t want to join me in that. I will respect that.”
One thing I do want to say is that if he keeps holding this over your head, he is showing you that he has a REALLY hard time forgiving. So anytime you hurt him, he most likely will hold onto that hurt for a very long time. It will just continue to build and build and build and he will keep “punishing” you for things you did years ago that you already moved on from. Be careful with this pattern. It’s destructive and people who operate like this, have MASSIVE walls that you will never get past. Don’t play this kind of game. DO NOT let him keep bringing you to the past and participate in that conversation anymore. Talk about what you learned about yourself, about him, about the situation…but DO NOT talk about anything else that isn’t productive. He needs to join you in the present moment and if he isn’t willing to do that, then he is not equipped to handle a relationship. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing!
It sounds like he is still wanting to stay connected on some level. If that is not what you want right now, it’s important that you communicate that. You can always just say something simple like “My heart is broken. Being in contact with you other than for the dog, is just too hurtful right now. I need some time. Can we just create some space for a while? I will let you know when I feel more able to be casual and friendly without it hurting. If you are on the same page at that time, I would love to be friends.”
You said you tried the no contact rule. Did you do it for the full 30 days? Why do you think it didn’t work?
I think a really important thing to focus on right now is becoming a better partner. He told you why it just isn’t working anymore for him, so what have you done to fix that behavior? How have you worked on yourself? What have you done to connect to that part of yourself that likes to play the victim? If you want him back, then that’s the part of you that really needs some healing and new skills about how to communicate, especially during challenging times. You guys cannot fall back into the same pattern. Unless he sees and experiences you really shifting that part, he isn’t going to feel safe to step back in.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jasmine,
I was hoping to continue the conversation with you. How are you feeling? Any thoughts about what I said? Any new developments?
Heidi
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. How are you feeling? Any new thoughts? Any new developments?
Heidi
Hi Charity,
I wanted to check in. How are you doing? How are you feeling? Any new developments? I’d love to keep talking through your situation
Hi Emma,
I wanted to see how you were doing. How are you feeling about the whole situation? Any new developments?
I just wanted to check-in. How are you doing? How are you feeling? Any new developments? How are you helping yourself through this loss?
Is there a job you can get where it’s no longer contracted for a period of time? I’m not sure if that is a thing in your industry. It’d be great if you truly could settle down at home and not have to worry about finding another job a year or 2 later.
So it sounds like Trav doesn’t really know what he is interested in. That’s hard for anyone! Probably finding a job that he really likes, will make all the difference in the world for him. I hope that happens for him soon. I’m sure it will help a lot to have a place you look forward to go to each day.
Well I hope you and Aleks will get to talk soon. Things so easily fizzle out when it’s just starting up. So after your membership, is that it? No more online dating for you? At least for a while?
I hope this weekend is well worth the money you spent! I think it will fill you up in much needed ways getting to go observe nature.
Yay! You got to a national park! How fun! Is it someplace you will go visit again? I wonder what would have happened if you went with that guy too. Automatically, we as women, don’t feel safe to do things like that, right? But still….I wonder.
That makes more sense now about Aleks and his profession. I’m surprised you didn’t ask him what he did for a living being that he talked about it. I imagine your membership is just about up. Were you able to reach him over the weekend or at least send your email to him?
I miss your home for you! LOL How long has it been since you lived and worked at home?
I’m so sorry about your work. It sounds like every single job you’ve had is not aligned with you and how you want to work. Is this just part of your industry? Have you ever done a job in your current industry where it just fit perfectly and you enjoyed your work?
Sounds like Trav is having a rough start to adulthood. Coming out of college can be a really tough transition. Does he have any kind of plan or desire about how he wants to live his life and how to get there? Or is he just trying to find any job he likes at this point?
Heidi
Tell me about feeling homesick. What do you miss most?
I sure hope you are able to find a job where can be at home. I know how much happier you would feel and how much easier life would be when you have access to the mountains and your home.
Medical field? I wonder what that means. I’m a little suspicious because that could mean so many different things. Being that he didn’t come straight out and say specifically what he does, it makes me wonder what he is hiding and why. Maybe his job makes people nervous like if he is a psychiatrist or something working in mental health clinics. I don’t know, but I do know that him being so general makes me suspicious.
You have amazing pictures and I’m glad that Jeop loves them as well. You truly are talented!
How are your kids doing? How is the new home?
Heidi
Oh I get it! That is quite sudden, isn’t it? I’m sure he was inspired in the moment and he obviously really enjoys you. You can always respond by saying something to the effect of “I really would love to go! I think we would have a great time and I’m honored that you asked. I just want to be really careful right now as you are in a space of really trying to figure things out for yourself and I want to honor that. How about we talk about it in a week or 2 and check in again and see if you still feel like this is something you would like to create.”
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
If I’m not a positive presence for him (or anyone) maybe I should back away? This whole thought is terrifying. You are not going to be a positive presence 100% of the time. You are human Beth and you are going to mess up, right? Is that something you don’t feel okay with? There have been PLENTY of times I have messed up and triggered someone pretty intensely. The way I look at is, is how I handle my own triggers. The trigger is a gift. It’s a time when something that’s been buried that came to the surface and it’s an opportunity to get to know yourself and work on clearing/releasing/forgiving/healing. How else would we know that we need to do that unless we get triggered? And anything I trigger in someone else, it’s about THEM, not me. I didn’t put that trigger there. That trigger is there because of past experiences they haven’t resolved yet. So whenever I cause hurt, it’s an opportunity for both of us to work through it, heal, forgive and release the past. If someone isn’t willing to do that with me, then that’s okay. I can honor and respect their choice. I will choose to forgive myself regardless and let it go.
I don’t think anyone chooses an abusive situation to begin with, but once you’re there and it becomes that way, it’s difficult to give up on something you wanted to work out. Thank you for saying this. I should have clarified a little more. What I meant was, there are a lot of signs an abuser has before they even become abusive. My guess is, he was an abuser before he met you. He most likely carried a lot of anger and would express that in other ways by maybe yelling a lot, criticizing, blaming, hitting things around you or some flavor of that. A person is not amazing and wonderful and then all of a sudden starts being abusive. The anger that runs through their veins leaks out in all different kinds of ways onto unsuspecting partners…and then the abuse eventually comes out and the cycle begins. It’s an escalation of behaviors over time and most people don’t know what the signs are. And you’re right…by the time it comes out, you are already hooked and practiced at trying to soothe, making him feel better, trying to be a better partner and working hard at making the relationship work. It’s definitely tough to separate. I’m so glad you eventually were able to free yourself. Well done!
Still tough to sit on the sidelines! Of course it is! You have an incredibly beautiful, big heart that deeply cares. It’s something quite special actually. Anyone in your life is lucky to get to be touched by your love. AND because of how special it is, it’s crucial for you to protect it as well. You don’t want to share your superpower with just anyone. Not everyone can handle it. So it’s about being discerning and loving yourself more than loving someone else. That means choosing yourself over trying to rescue or help someone else out of their pain. Pain is such a gift and you don’t want to take that way from someone. It’s the gateway to transformation, right? What you have done with your daughters is soooo incredibly important for their development. The same applies to everyone else in your life. Being comfortable with pain is very important. It carries a bunch of gifts for each person, if they are willing to open them.
Like if I expect nothing, if I am careful as you said and he changes his behavior unexpectedly? Then what? I feel like I should tread very lightly. If he changes, then still tread carefully as you won’t know how true that change is. When something happens unexpectedly, I am usually much more cautious as I don’t trust the longevity of the change. I would suggest to still keep it super slow and watch and observe and see if any changes that show up are consistent and HE is the one taking the lead, chasing you and making most of the effort. You still take a back seat and let him make most of the effort. But I wouldn’t get too invested until you see that he is consistently showing up like that and there’s a conversation about that change and what’s happening for him. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Ha! I totally missed that one 🙂
I get that you felt you never needed it. I actually love that. What a beautiful life you have created! I guess you were ready to shake things up then, right?
Heidi
My initial thoughts would be about not really uncovering what is covered in our unconscious …not opening cans of worms Why not? If that can of worms is affecting your life and creating limitations, don’t you want to connect with it and heal it so it’s not there anymore? Why would you not want to know all of yourself?
I have seen that work in the opposite direction for people What is more true is that you do not have the full details and understanding about what was going on for each person. I’ve seen people get sooooo incredibly messy but I’ve also known that it was an important part of the unraveling. Many times, as someone starts to undo things, it is the “things are messy before they get better” kind of process. So it appears on the outside like someone is falling apart, but that is an important part of the healing…undoing what isn’t serving them anymore. Regardless, those are other people’s experiences and let it stay their experiences. That doesn’t mean it will be your experience. It all depends on the kind of person you are and the kind of person you work with. T
I am mindful that I really do not have a lot of baggage Maybe you do and maybe you don’t. If you have never really gone that deep into your subconscious, your patterns, beliefs or stories, then how would you know? This guy closing the door on you is activating something that is in there, so why not go find out what’s going on?
Maybe you are right about further one to one help ..Do you do that ?? OMG yes! My coach is amazing and I’ve worked with her forever! I used to see her frequently when I was in the unraveling/rebuilding phase of my life. Man that was tough BUT I am so much more resilient, internally strong and skilled now. I see her when I come up against a trigger that I need extra help with. Or sometimes there are a bunch of small triggers that build up over time and I need a “spring cleaning” so to speak. I can’t tell you how helpful it is to have help. We are not meant to journey through this life figuring everything out on our own. I will always have a coach or therapist to help me during the times I need extra help. I wouldn’t be where I’m at today with it.
