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Yay! You got to a national park! How fun! Is it someplace you will go visit again? I wonder what would have happened if you went with that guy too. Automatically, we as women, don’t feel safe to do things like that, right? But still….I wonder.
That makes more sense now about Aleks and his profession. I’m surprised you didn’t ask him what he did for a living being that he talked about it. I imagine your membership is just about up. Were you able to reach him over the weekend or at least send your email to him?
I miss your home for you! LOL How long has it been since you lived and worked at home?
I’m so sorry about your work. It sounds like every single job you’ve had is not aligned with you and how you want to work. Is this just part of your industry? Have you ever done a job in your current industry where it just fit perfectly and you enjoyed your work?
Sounds like Trav is having a rough start to adulthood. Coming out of college can be a really tough transition. Does he have any kind of plan or desire about how he wants to live his life and how to get there? Or is he just trying to find any job he likes at this point?
Heidi
Tell me about feeling homesick. What do you miss most?
I sure hope you are able to find a job where can be at home. I know how much happier you would feel and how much easier life would be when you have access to the mountains and your home.
Medical field? I wonder what that means. I’m a little suspicious because that could mean so many different things. Being that he didn’t come straight out and say specifically what he does, it makes me wonder what he is hiding and why. Maybe his job makes people nervous like if he is a psychiatrist or something working in mental health clinics. I don’t know, but I do know that him being so general makes me suspicious.
You have amazing pictures and I’m glad that Jeop loves them as well. You truly are talented!
How are your kids doing? How is the new home?
Heidi
Oh I get it! That is quite sudden, isn’t it? I’m sure he was inspired in the moment and he obviously really enjoys you. You can always respond by saying something to the effect of “I really would love to go! I think we would have a great time and I’m honored that you asked. I just want to be really careful right now as you are in a space of really trying to figure things out for yourself and I want to honor that. How about we talk about it in a week or 2 and check in again and see if you still feel like this is something you would like to create.”
How does that feel for you?
Heidi
If I’m not a positive presence for him (or anyone) maybe I should back away? This whole thought is terrifying. You are not going to be a positive presence 100% of the time. You are human Beth and you are going to mess up, right? Is that something you don’t feel okay with? There have been PLENTY of times I have messed up and triggered someone pretty intensely. The way I look at is, is how I handle my own triggers. The trigger is a gift. It’s a time when something that’s been buried that came to the surface and it’s an opportunity to get to know yourself and work on clearing/releasing/forgiving/healing. How else would we know that we need to do that unless we get triggered? And anything I trigger in someone else, it’s about THEM, not me. I didn’t put that trigger there. That trigger is there because of past experiences they haven’t resolved yet. So whenever I cause hurt, it’s an opportunity for both of us to work through it, heal, forgive and release the past. If someone isn’t willing to do that with me, then that’s okay. I can honor and respect their choice. I will choose to forgive myself regardless and let it go.
I don’t think anyone chooses an abusive situation to begin with, but once you’re there and it becomes that way, it’s difficult to give up on something you wanted to work out. Thank you for saying this. I should have clarified a little more. What I meant was, there are a lot of signs an abuser has before they even become abusive. My guess is, he was an abuser before he met you. He most likely carried a lot of anger and would express that in other ways by maybe yelling a lot, criticizing, blaming, hitting things around you or some flavor of that. A person is not amazing and wonderful and then all of a sudden starts being abusive. The anger that runs through their veins leaks out in all different kinds of ways onto unsuspecting partners…and then the abuse eventually comes out and the cycle begins. It’s an escalation of behaviors over time and most people don’t know what the signs are. And you’re right…by the time it comes out, you are already hooked and practiced at trying to soothe, making him feel better, trying to be a better partner and working hard at making the relationship work. It’s definitely tough to separate. I’m so glad you eventually were able to free yourself. Well done!
Still tough to sit on the sidelines! Of course it is! You have an incredibly beautiful, big heart that deeply cares. It’s something quite special actually. Anyone in your life is lucky to get to be touched by your love. AND because of how special it is, it’s crucial for you to protect it as well. You don’t want to share your superpower with just anyone. Not everyone can handle it. So it’s about being discerning and loving yourself more than loving someone else. That means choosing yourself over trying to rescue or help someone else out of their pain. Pain is such a gift and you don’t want to take that way from someone. It’s the gateway to transformation, right? What you have done with your daughters is soooo incredibly important for their development. The same applies to everyone else in your life. Being comfortable with pain is very important. It carries a bunch of gifts for each person, if they are willing to open them.
Like if I expect nothing, if I am careful as you said and he changes his behavior unexpectedly? Then what? I feel like I should tread very lightly. If he changes, then still tread carefully as you won’t know how true that change is. When something happens unexpectedly, I am usually much more cautious as I don’t trust the longevity of the change. I would suggest to still keep it super slow and watch and observe and see if any changes that show up are consistent and HE is the one taking the lead, chasing you and making most of the effort. You still take a back seat and let him make most of the effort. But I wouldn’t get too invested until you see that he is consistently showing up like that and there’s a conversation about that change and what’s happening for him. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Ha! I totally missed that one 🙂
I get that you felt you never needed it. I actually love that. What a beautiful life you have created! I guess you were ready to shake things up then, right?
Heidi
My initial thoughts would be about not really uncovering what is covered in our unconscious …not opening cans of worms Why not? If that can of worms is affecting your life and creating limitations, don’t you want to connect with it and heal it so it’s not there anymore? Why would you not want to know all of yourself?
I have seen that work in the opposite direction for people What is more true is that you do not have the full details and understanding about what was going on for each person. I’ve seen people get sooooo incredibly messy but I’ve also known that it was an important part of the unraveling. Many times, as someone starts to undo things, it is the “things are messy before they get better” kind of process. So it appears on the outside like someone is falling apart, but that is an important part of the healing…undoing what isn’t serving them anymore. Regardless, those are other people’s experiences and let it stay their experiences. That doesn’t mean it will be your experience. It all depends on the kind of person you are and the kind of person you work with. T
I am mindful that I really do not have a lot of baggage Maybe you do and maybe you don’t. If you have never really gone that deep into your subconscious, your patterns, beliefs or stories, then how would you know? This guy closing the door on you is activating something that is in there, so why not go find out what’s going on?
Maybe you are right about further one to one help ..Do you do that ?? OMG yes! My coach is amazing and I’ve worked with her forever! I used to see her frequently when I was in the unraveling/rebuilding phase of my life. Man that was tough BUT I am so much more resilient, internally strong and skilled now. I see her when I come up against a trigger that I need extra help with. Or sometimes there are a bunch of small triggers that build up over time and I need a “spring cleaning” so to speak. I can’t tell you how helpful it is to have help. We are not meant to journey through this life figuring everything out on our own. I will always have a coach or therapist to help me during the times I need extra help. I wouldn’t be where I’m at today with it.
Oh wow! There is no better way to tour a place than with someone who loves history, right? How fun! I bet you got a lot of extra information from her. How did all of these places “feel” to you? I’m curious considering how the war impacted those areas. Could you feel that? I hope she plans something again.
How come you didn’t join the kayak club? Money? It sounds like it’s finally starting to work out and the money will start coming in more consistently. It’s definitely been a rollercoaster ride since you go there!
I hope you and Aleks will get to connect. What does he do for his work that he travels there so much?
Wow! So the job is still open. I wonder why it took him so long to get back with you. Tell me again what you think of the company and the job? I know it’s at home and that is super exciting for you. But what about the job and the company? Do you like it? Is it a good company? Would you work from home or in the office or a mix of both? How is the money? So what are the next steps? Does he need to reach out and set up an interview since he knows you are still interested?
Heidi
I am so glad to hear from you again! Thank you for still being here and reaching out. It sounds like you are really struggling. Have you thought about getting some extra help on this one? There are just some times when the trigger is SO big, that it’s a good thing to reach out for some extra help from a specialist. Whatever this is triggering in you, it’s a lot deeper and bigger and affecting how you live your life. You’ve lost yourself. I’m happy to email you the contact info of my Coach. She is brilliant. I have had a gazillion times where I lost myself from such a big trigger and I’m able to clear it with her. Why not dig deeper and clear out some of the deeper baggage that this triggering? Let me know your thoughts on this.
I don’t believe I have any issues in terms of self-worth and how I believe I should be treated by a man ..this is not my problem. You say this, but then you also say this: I cant help but feel so unlucky and unworthy of being valued by the man I love sincerely and I gave to unconditionally. There is some low self-esteem in you being triggered by his choice. What I DO know, is that when triggers are THIS big, where it disrupts daily functioning, it is many times triggering some of the deepest stuff in your subconscious that you don’t know is in there.
Let me explain triggers for a second. When something causes an emotional reaction, what it’s doing is exposing a story you carry within you. That story will be filled with many lies that your system believes are true…hence the negative emotions…hence “I can’t help but feel unlucky and unworthy…” type of feelings…..hence creating more stories that feel real like “Using lyrics from songs was one of our things and I cant help but believe this is directed at me.” BIG triggers will keep looping and looping and looping. Your mind will find every little story and detail about what happened and keep feeding the stories you are carrying about what happened and why. The crappy thing is, experiences and things from your past that have a similar flavor to the current situation, will also be added into the mix. So the current situation is still the main theme, but your past experiences will be the fuel to help make the fire much bigger. As painful and irritatingly torturous as this is, it’s also a beautiful open window for you to get to know yourself. That’s where having a Coach or therapist is really helpful. We need objective “guides” to traverse the deeper parts of our subconscious with us. The healing path is about identifying those lies, working with them and releasing them, then filling back up with the truth. Then….you can start to breath again. Then…you find yourself again except you are stronger – because you got to unload a ton of baggage that you have been carrying around, that you didn’t even know about. That’s why triggers are sooooo important. How else would we know what’s going on in our subconscious unless someone or something pushes our buttons that we didn’t know were there???
Thoughts?
Heidi
Thanks for responding! There’s a lot to talk about! This is great!
I LOVE not having to answer to anyone, I live how I want and I don’t have to justify my decisions with anyone. I feel free and I have found peace that I can’t describe. I’m so happy that you have found this place in your life. It’s so incredibly beautiful and amazing, isn’t it??? You worked very hard to find this peace and happiness. Now that you know it’s possible and that you get to have that, you will protect it fiercely, as you should! You will not let anyone or anything into your space that doesn’t support how you get to feel. You might slip up from time to time, but you will always return to this beautiful peace and freedom that you get to enjoy.
I guess I’m terrified to lose that if I add a new person to being in my daily sphere. I never say never, but the idea of being married again seems suffocating at the moment to me. Whenever you are afraid of something, it’s crucial you step into it. You are only terrified because of your definition of marriage. What if marriage were to make you feel more free, more expanded, more peace, more joy, more of everything. Could that not be possible in a marriage? And besides, marriage itself doesn’t really matter. What’s more important to pay attention to is the kind of relationship and connection you want to invite into your life. Marriage doesn’t have to be a destination of any kind. You can easily just stay together and design your relationship in whatever ways work for both of you. Here is the thing…either path…being single OR in a loving, nourishing relationship….both have pros and cons. Both paths are filled with heartache, challenges, amazing and deep emotions, freedoms and so much more. They just look a little different. So if you think that you are somehow avoiding something by NOT being in a more serious relationship, you are fooling yourself. There are plenty of hardships you face as a single person that you wouldn’t when you are with someone…and vice versa. I would hate for you to not risk loving someone just because you have this idea of “losing your freedom” and “having to answer to someone.” These days, people are creating all different kinds of arrangements. It’s more normal now to have separate bedrooms, open relationships, separate houses and whatever people come up with. You get to create whatever it is that you want with your partner! That’s something that you and him will do together, so trust that when a new love enters into your life, you are not stuck, you do not lose any freedoms, you do not have to “answer” to anyone and you guys will create something that works for both of you…love is limitless!
I would like to support him without traumatizing him any further. Reality is, you are going to traumatize him, just because you are human. He will traumatize you too. It’s just part of being in a deeper relationship with someone. If he is not able to work through something with you, then that is something you need to know about him, right? If he is THAT fragile that he cannot handle your limitations or humanness if it shows up, then that’s okay. It’s who HE is right now and it’s not YOUR fault if he can’t handle it. And….give the guy a little more credit. He might be more resilient than you think!
I don’t know all the details, and I stayed with an emotionally abusive person before I was married, because I couldn’t afford my own place at the time. So, I get it. The point I was making was more about the fact that was in that relationship in the first place. You chose, just like he did, to enter into a relationship with someone who was abusive. There were a ton of red flags that were ignored and anyone entering into an abusive relationship is choosing it from a place of trauma, not love. So that tells you a lot about him. You understand him because of your own experiences, but you also have a time to work through all the stuff that came up. He isn’t there yet and he knows it.
I feel like if I drop off completely I’m abandoning him, and I feel like he could use someone in his corner – even just a friend. You are not abandoning him. You are not his savior. Do not turn yourself or take on the role of “rescuer” for him. He needs to learn how to rescue and source himself. Believe in his best. Believe in his resilience. Believe in his ability to be resourceful. DO NOT try and rescue him from this pain he is in. He NEEDS to feel this, so he never chooses this again. The pain needs to be great enough for him to finally take some action to work on himself. You of all people know, that even NOT having someone, you figured it out. You are now in a place of the peace and happiness that is so incredibly healing and powerful, despite going it alone. The pain and hardship you went through produced the result you get to have now. I’m not saying to stay out of his life. I’m just suggesting to shift your mindset. If and how you are there for him, it needs to come from a place of empowerment. It needs to come from a place of making sure that however you interact with him, that it’s healthy and nourishing for YOU, first and foremost. Offer ideas, offer guidance, but DO NOT turn this connection into you helping/saving him out of the pain and struggle he is feeling. Moments of helping are great, but if it starts to turn into you always helping him, the relationship becomes about HIM and you stop existing in order to rescue him. Just be careful of that pattern that so easily can creep in. Does this make sense?
It seems to me that none of the info in the book will help at this point. Maybe later…maybe not, if he never comes around. The info may not change your situation at the moment, as your guy has a lot of work to do before he is ready for anyone. However, take the information and apply it to every area of your life. They are life skills. It’s about understanding the dynamics on a much a deeper lever. So play with all of it and practice what you learn on EVERYONE. Make the information part of you and let it expand you. It will only make you a better partner in the future.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Abigail! Welcome! I’m glad you created your own thread. It makes it much easier for us, as coaches, to make sure we connect with each person. Thank you for sharing your questions with us. Let’s see what we can do to unpack this a little more.
but now I’m reconsidering the idea of having someone in my life. I must be crazy! I’m curious. Why do you feel this way? How come you closed to the idea of marriage or even living with someone again?
I’d like it to be something he looks forward to, not something that causes anxiety That’s impossible. He still has a lot to work through and ANY form of romantic connection is going to activate fear and anxiety as long as he is unresolved. As long as he is still in relationship with his past, any new person in his life will be affected by it.
I’ve been pretty diligent to look for red flags. It appears to me his biggest one is just that he’s trying to process what happened in his last relationship. How about the red flag that he chose and stayed in a relationship that was verbally abusive? If reflects his level of self-esteem and self-love…which isn’t very high if that is the kind of experience he chose. It also is reflective of his relationship with love itself.
I’d like to just get an anchor in and then work on strengthening the connection to build something. I’d like to invite you to slow down your thinking. I know how incredibly difficult that is, considering how you feel with him. It’s so incredibly important for you to believe what he is saying. He is NOT available and he probably won’t be for a very long time. My guess is, he isn’t doing any particular kind of work on himself to help himself heal and forgive and release what he’s been through. So that means it’s going to take quite a while before he feels safe to open up again. Even when he does, he most likely will have all kinds of walls around his heart because he didn’t actually consciously and purposefully release all the hurt. So your thinking of “building” anything with this guy is going to lead you into heart break. The more frequently you see him, the more you try to build something with him, the more you are ignoring that he isn’t available for you in the way you want. Taking it slow means viewing him as a friends with benefits kind of guy. That essentially is what he is saying he is available for and nothing more. Expect NOTHING from him. DO NOT express any level of deep feelings for him and unattach yourself from any sort of future thinking about him. This provides him total and complete freedom for him to be emotionally unavailable and allow things to go at HIS speed. Seeing him once a week or even every few weeks is you wanting to bond with him and that is NOT what he wants right now and is NOT his mindset. You need to align with HIM and let him set the tone, because he cannot meet you where you are at. You’ve been single for 10 years, he’s been single for just a few months. So if you want to stay connected, then that means backing off in your thinking and your feelings for him quite a bit and really honoring the space he is in. It’s possible at some point he will start to open up to the idea more. It’s possible he won’t. Who knows. But right now, HE is the limiting factor, so it’s important to always align with the limitations that are showing up.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Wow! What a journey you’ve been on! You have strengthen your resilient muscle a lot over the past years, so it’s definitely easier for you to return back to your balance, truth and clarity. I love it! All the work you have done over the years is paying off! Thank goodness, right? It’s so wonderful to get over the hump a lot faster.
But i was told my case is weak, because i can’t prove the ones i picked — namely – that i didn’t know the ex was gay when i married. This is crazy! I can’t believe they don’t consider this as a strong reason. You said you can’t prove it, so that means he is still hiding that part of himself? How do you know he is gay? Would it be your word against his kind of thing? How come you are doing annulment vs. divorce?
i will not be taking them with me any further. i know this sounds exactly like my previous post – but i’m not in pain anymore. That was a major surprise of today. This IS an interesting surprise. You sound very clear though that it’s time to let them go.
I tried to stop my brain from searching for analogies, but oh, that is SUCH A HARD thing to do! HA! I was expecting to keep reading and get an analogy from you. I’m glad you were able to just let it be. I love the title of unspoken words. It would be a brilliant art expression actually. What a fascinating thing you did! I love your strength to allow yourself to feel all of that and express it in the way that it came up for you. Good job Vino! You really have done a great job connecting with these parts of yourself and moving the the intense emotions.
Let’s see what surprises show up for today! Thank you for sharing all of this with me!
Heidi
I’m soooo glad your tour with Christine and her daughter was fun! Tell me more about it. What kinds of things did you see. Were you able to see a different side to this place that made it more fun? Do you feel like she could be someone to hang out with occasionally? When do you go kayaking again?
Okay got it. Jeop is just a friend. That’s a bummer the call wouldn’t go through for Aleks. You might not believe in this, but Mercury is in retrograde right now and it tends to have a substantial effect on technology. Computers will crash, calls won’t go through, technology gets glitchy, emails get missed etc. I’ve seen that happen MANY times over the years, so maybe that is why you weren’t able to talk to him.
Ha! That is so funny about the birds! How entertaining to watch that! The grebes are pretty smart! If you feel like, can you send me a few pics of the baby riding on the back? I would love to see that!
Any train ride coming up soon? I’m hoping it opens back up so you can go visit that national park. I think that’s where you wanted to go, right?
Heidi
Thanks for all the updates!
It makes more sense now why you haven’t heard about the BC job and what was happening with Spain. So you didn’t want to go to Austin eh? I have a good friend who lives there. The weather is pretty tough. I always hear what a great place it is, but the weather makes it extremely challenging. I’m surprised you turned it down, considering your money challenges would have worked better there. You seem like you are so unhappy there, but I guess you would rather be there with less money than to go to Austin!
How did the site seeing go? I love that someone is going to show you around!!! How frustrating about the train ride! I would get a little freaked out as well, trying to figure out how to get home. It sounds like you are doing a good job navigating all of it though.
So you called Jeop?? How fun! I love that you guys had a great conversation. I’m curious though…I think, if I remember correctly, that you didn’t like how much he drank. Is this the right guy I’m thinking about? He is divorced, right? It’s crazy how much shifted there after you left!
Heidi
I know this is so incredibly difficult. It’s possible he is not coming back, it’s possible that he is. There is no way to know or tell. Your job is to let him go and honor his request. It doesn’t mean that it’s closing the door forever, it means you are going to choose to still live your life, work on becoming a better partner, clearing and releasing the baggage that caused you to blame him for things so that no matter what happens down the road, you will be a healthier, more respectful, higher functioning partner…whether it’s for him or someone else.
Tell me, what have you learned about this pattern of yours? How are you shifting your mindset about this and what are you learning about how to shift it so you relate better to your partner when you are hurt or angry?
Heidi
Hi Jasmine!
Welcome to the forum! It sounds like you have been going through a lot. Do you know the reason for your weight gain? Do you have a pattern of getting violent or was the first time you reacted this way? Did he give specific reasons for breaking up? How did you react to the breakup?
What specifically are you doing for your healing? How are you getting more fit? How are you meeting new people? Does that mean you are going on dates or just expanding your social circle in general?
Whenever there is any kind abuse, whether physical or verbal, trust is broken and it’s a pretty difficult kind of trust to earn back if you, as the abuser, haven’t really shifted and changed that behavior. The fact that he stayed with you in the first place, tells me he has strong co-dependent tendencies that he also would need to work on as well, so your relationship can become more healthy and balanced. Even if you were to completely shift and relate to him in more respectful and healthy ways, if he doesn’t do his own personal work as well, he wouldn’t be a healthy counterpart.
Thoughts?
Heidi
