Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Well, you may not even want to retire if you found a job that you loved doing! You were miserable in Sarnia. Do you really think you could have lasted another year? I’m sure you could have, considering your tolerance for challenging situations. Maybe it’s time to shift that!
Hey, being through 2 abusive marriages and raising two boys alone, I’ve been in survival mode my entire life. I don’t know anything different. Wouldn’t you like to know something different? When I was younger, I used to watch myself make decisions, knowing it would make my life harder. I was pretty conscious of my choices at a very young age, but that never stopped me from still making those kinds of decisions. It was always confusing to me why I did that, until I got older and REALLY looked at my relationship with pain and with challenge. It definitely was full of all kinds of “fun” stuff. I used to think that my high pain tolerance meant that I was strong and healthy. I learned that instead, it was much more healthy to have a very low pain tolerance. Choosing a life of pleasure, peace and ease meant that I now had to protect that kind of lifestyle I worked hard to create. That is soooooo much easier than constantly living in survival mode. Maybe someday you will be interested in creating something different that “what you’ve always known.”
Heidi
Hi Christine,
Welcome to the forum! We love that you are here reaching out for some ideas and guidance.
I just have a few questions. How long has this hot and cold pattern been going? Have you talked to him about it? What is the design of your relationship? Committed? FWB? How long will he stay connected before he disappears? Do you know much about his past relationships? Is this a pattern he is aware of? How old are you guys?
I know there are a lot of questions, but it helps to get more details to try and understand what is happening.
I do want to say this though. I know it feels like he is the love of your life. I’m sure it’s amazing when he is connected, but it’s not much of a love he is offering you in return. If this is his pattern, it’ REALLY important to understand that it’s not about you. This is about him and dealing with or facing his fear of connection and vulnerability. People the come in and out of connection typically have a high need to control, a lot of low self-esteem, they are pretty fragile emotionally and they are not really set up in their hearts to be happy. Once they start to feel happy, for too long, they will disappear and disconnect to sabotage the connection – usually because they don’t trust being happy or they don’t trust love. I don’t know what is happening for this guy and nor do you, but in the end – understand what you are stepping into. A phrase or “magic words” does not fix a pattern like this. A pattern like this is FULL of all kinds of unresolved hurt from the past.
And last, but not least…I want to encourage you to either accept that this is who he is, or walk away. He deserves to be loved and accepted for EXACTLY who he is…baggage and all. A relationship will NEVER last if one person is needing the other person to change in order to be happy. A relationship lasts when BOTH people are NATURALLY on the same page and want the same things. This is not your situation at the moment. I’m not saying it can’t shift or change, but if it does, it needs to come from him WANTING to be a better partner. If this is not something he cares to address, then your job is to accept that about him and really understand what you are choosing.
I know this is not what you were wanting to hear. I completely understand your desire to turn this relationship into something spectacular. Feeling love for someone who is so limited, is extremely hard and can feel like torture! Unfortunately, with the issue you are dealing with, it’s far from a quick fix.
Heidi
Wow! Strange! What I wrote this morning just now posted tonight. That’s never happened before.
I just now read your updated post and I wanted to jump up and down!!! I am sooooooo proud of you!!! You did such an incredible thing by saying yes! wowowowow! I wish I could give you the biggest hug on the planet. Good job!!!
The tears are beautiful and much needed. There is a lot of hurt, sadness, relief, joy and everything under the sun wrapped up in those tears. I’m so glad it was released out of your body!!! This is the best update ever!!!! Keep it going!!!
Heidi
Thank you for responding and sharing more of your thoughts and feelings! This is a great conversation!
I am going to start opening up more and accepting help when I need it. How about accepting or asking for help even when you don’t need it? Help is not about “needing” it. View it this way…accepting or asking for help is more about allowing someone else to get to feel good. Creating memories with someone. Feeling what it is like to be seen. Helping offers MANY opportunities! It’s NOT about whether or not it’s “needed.” It’s about connecting.
I’ve had low self esteem since childhood. I was never good enough in anything I did for my parents. We ALL have low self-esteem. I’m a very high functioning and emotionally healthy person and I had a childhood that most people do not survive. Somehow I made it. I have a TON of low self-esteem, but over the years, all the healing work has helped me develop more high self-esteem than low self-esteem. We will never be rid of that side of ourselves. We can always reduce it, but the REAL skill is learning how to embrace it and connect with that part of ourselves when it gets activated. Do you know how to do that? Is your therapist teaching you what to do when your low self-esteem gets activated?
I am a strong woman yet I don’t feel like I am most days. This is an interesting statement. What do you think “strong” is? What does it look like? What make you NOT feel like you are strong most days? What would make you feel strong? How would you live your life differently if you FELT strong every single day?
I was never taught how to choose a person or be in a relationship (all self-taught). Most people are self-taught, as most people have had horrible role models. The good thing is, there are a TON of books, videos, courses etc. of experts sharing very powerful concepts about love. Do you read any self-help books? Relationship books? Books about love, communication, dating etc?
I do trust myself in the ways you wrote because I have figured out how to heal and get back up and move on. Let’s talk about this a little deeper. You say you trust yourself, yet you don’t feel strong, you have a lot of low self-esteem, you believe you are strong but don’t actually FEEL it, you have chosen relationships that are incredibly dysfunctional, you hide from everyone…so how much do you REALLY think you trust yourself? You have gotten back up each time…so THAT you can trust about yourself. But do you trust your choices? Do you feel safe in your life? Do you feel “held” by yourself? Do you actually trust and know you are healing because you have a skillset for that process or are you burying things and not feeling them anymore? Trust is a very layered and deep thing. Trust is built over time by making decisions that support your growth and expansion. Trust is built by making decisions that feed and nourish your heart. When you have this kind of solid and deep trust in yourself, you also PROTECT yourself, you protect your peace, you protect your sacred, beautiful heart! Does this make sense?
Aleks did say he would see if he could arrange a zoom call. hmmmm….you guys have been connecting for a while now and you have tried at least 2 different times to connect through skype. He said “he would see” if he could arrange a zoom call? What does that mean? I’m not sure how much this guy is really interested in connecting. He needs to be saying “I’m available to talk Sunday if you are. Does 4 work for you?” What is stopping him from setting up a time to chat? I do appreciate that about him. What do you appreciate about him?
Oh I hope you get to go on that boat ride with that woman. It sounds like fun! You are doing a really good job getting yourself out and about and seeing different parts. It’s crazy how far everything is though. 4 hours is a looooong trip, but at least it’s on a train so you can read or sleep or just chill and relax.
So what should I do differently? All the jobs I’ve taken are the only jobs that were available. I don’t have the answer for that. Maybe consider switching up your career in some way? You have a skillset. Is this industry the ONLY place that can use what you know how to do? Maybe while working for the next year, you develop or add onto the skills you already have and then find another industry to work within? You keep getting pigeonholed into jobs you can’t stand because you have no other choice. So set yourself up to be able to have more choice somehow, whether it’s becoming independent and act as a consultant and own your business or switching industries or switching your career entirely. I don’t know. I just know that you have not been happy for a looooong time. You have spent the entire time I have known you, in some kind of survival mode, just trying to get through. Is that really how you want to spend your life because you have no other choice but to take the next open job?
You have high integrity Rhonda. You do what you say you are going to do and that is a great quality about you. You have been through sooooo much with all your jobs! I really hope that whatever you choose next will actually make you happy. It has to be really hard for you to be in a constant struggle for one reason or another over the past several years. I just want to encourage you to maybe look at this pattern and see how you can do things differently…hopefully starting in November.
That little town sounds amazing! What was your favorite part? The history in Europe is so incredible. It sounds like it was a lovely day. Did you end up seeing a lot of seals? Were they out and about? I’d love to see some pics if you feel like sharing!
Why don’t you and Aleks connect over zoom?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more of your story. You sure have been through a lot. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. There are several things to work through here. Let’s see if we can help you have a little more clarity.
As one person told me, I’m always helping and giving of myself but I never take and this can affect my friendships/relationships. Is this true? Yes, this is true. Here is a way that may help you understand. People LOVE to help each other. We are not designed to do life alone. So when someone asks you to help them, doesn’t it make you feel good to get to help? It’s bonding, it makes you feel good, it makes you feel wanted and needed, it creates memories and it helps you get to know the person more. So when you don’t ask or accept help, you stunt the relationship. You take all of these precious moments that are meant for bonding and growing together and you put a wall up. When you say no, it doesn’t allow anyone to really get to know you. So people will always feel on the outside of your life and never really get to know the real you…and perhaps that is why you do it. If you keep people out, they will never see the inside of you, which is maybe what you are most afraid of. It’s like I don’t want people to see what happened when they thought so highly of my ex earlier in the relationship and became friends with him as well. You are making this about protecting your ex, but would you be willing to look a little deeper and see how you are trying to actually protect yourself from being raw and vulnerable? What would happen if you said yes to this help of cleaning up the mess? You already know what happens when you say no. You go to the bar and try to escape your feelings by drinking and then you scare your friends and put yourself in danger – and call a brand new guy you are trying to get to know. You somehow think it’s going to be worse than that if you actually say yes to having some help with this?? It’s incredibly intimate and vulnerable to say yes to your friend who offered help. Maybe find out that it’s okay to be that with someone. And honestly, having a guy friend help you can be a really great thing. They go through life very differently and experience relationships differently. Don’t determine ahead of time, what his experience is going to be. You have no clue what he would respond like. I imagine he would be quite efficient and protective of you. Wouldn’t that feel great??? The thing about saying yes to help is, you are terrified and the only way through your fears is to step into them and find out you are okay. You have already been through an INCREDIBLE amount in your life. If you can survive all of that and move forward, saying “yes” to help is easy!!! You are stronger than you give yourself credit for!
I just want to touch on the cheating thing. It seems that you don’t quite have the skillset to know how to be discerning with who you enter into a relationship with. This is, in part, because of the amount of low self esteem that you carry. It doesn’t sound like you have standards as to how you are treated and what you expect in a relationship. Here is a little homework you can start on. It’s going to take a while and evolve over time, but it’s important for you to start the process. I call it the non-negotiable list. It’s a list of qualities you HAVE to have in a relationship in order to feel nourished…NO EXCEPTIONS. This means, the qualities on this list, if they are not present, the relationship WILL NOT work for you. This is why it takes time to create this list because most people are not really aware and they choose a partner based on how they feel vs. how the relationship functions.
Here are a few things on my list:
1. Romantic
2. Animal lover
3. Loves nature
4. High emotional intelligence
5. Financially abundant
6. Strong communicator
7. ActiveI tell people to start by making a list of everything they want in a guy. Think in terms of categories like finances, family, health, travel, children etc. Then circle the most important qualities in each category and make a new list. Then really think and feel into each quality and see if it’s a quality you could compromise on…or not. The qualities I listed above are solid and set in stone. These qualities are what I need to have in my own life in order to maintain my personal balance. If a guy goes against these or doesn’t join me with them, then we are not like-minded enough to have a deep, nourishing, growing relationship. The non-negotiable list functions as your standards. It guides you in what to look for in a partner.
One thing I will say. The most important thing to know is that you ALWAYS want to know who they are in their worst BEFORE you really go head first into any relationship. Who a person is in their worst, is what will make or break the relationship. It doesn’t matter how amazing the guy is, if he is not respectful and honorable in his worst moments, the relationship will never last. You already have been through abuse and addiction. Those are obviously things you never want to experience again, so making sure you pay attention to those signs early on is important for you. You want to see how they treat you, themselves and others in their most stressful times, so you can see the worst in them and know that you are safe physically and emotionally. And, of course, any standard you have for them, you expect of yourself as well. So if there is something you need from a guy and you don’t offer that yourself, then it tells you some areas you need to work on.
Lastly, I’m going to touch on this lightly, but we need to keep talking about it. Trust is not actually about anyone else. People tend to feel like the other person needs to earn trust, but the truth is, we are all human and will break that trust when we mess up. So trust in others is a relative thing. The trust I like to help my clients develop that is UNSHAKEABLE is trust within themselves. If you don’t trust yourself, you sure as heck can never trust anyone or anything else in your life. Trusting yourself means “I trust that no matter what “you” do or choose or behave like, I will be okay. I trust I am resilient. I trust I am strong. I trust I am resourceful. So even if you cheat on me, lie to me, hurt me…I trust I will be okay and figure out how to heal and get back up.” That kind of trust in yourself allows you to feel safe in your life, because people will break the external trust and when that broken, you will have your inner trust to get you through those challenging moments. Does this make sense?
I know I’ve said a lot, so let’s keep talking.
Heidi
So good to hear from you. I love that you did that! Gosh, we could all use an experience like that right now. It sounds restorative. I’m happy to hear that you feel like you are moving on. Thank you for being here and sharing your story and being so wonderful! I love that I got to be part of your journey.
Take care! We are here whenever you need us!
Lots of love coming your way! Heidi
Wow. I love that you are connecting with this and really slowing down your thinking about bringing him back into your life.
He is incredibly fragile and insecure and it shows up by be incredibly controlling. So what do you think was happening for you, that you chose his needs and demands over your need to connect with your family? It obviously didn’t make you feel good and you are angry about it, so why do you think you make him the priority?
You feel EVERYTHING that is coming up and give it space and time. You journal. You talk about it. You honor ALL your feelings and really look at what they are about. It’s time for you to really start to explore yourself on a deeper level.
You are angry. How come? Where is it coming from? Have you felt this kind of anger before? Are you angry at yourself at all? Are you willing to forgive and let go?
Like I previously said…he gets to be whoever he wants to be. He gets to demand for that attention. He gets to trash talk you. He gets to break up without talking to you about it. THIS IS WHO HE IS and he deserves to be loved and accepted for exactly who he is. We all do. He clearly has a lot of limitations that are quite damaging, but you also are the one who has chosen him and chosen to co-create this design of “love.”
Of course, there are amazing things about you guys as well and that’s always the hardest part to let go of. You just have to keep remembering the parts that don’t work as well and keep the FULL picture in your mind and heart…not just the best parts. The best parts will always make you want to keep holding on and completely negate the worst parts that are actually damaging. Breakups are a rollercoaster ride and the best way to get through them and back into emotional stability is to really work with your emotions, your patterns, your choices, your stories about him and you and love and honor every little thing that comes up and just create space for all of it. This might even be a good time to work with a therapist or coach. You have a lot of stuff you are feeling and carrying around, so why not get a specialist to help you learn how to navigate this period of time in a healthy way. Working with someone will help you develop new ways to handle stress for the rest of your life. It’s worth the time and investment if you are willing.
Heidi
Hi Connie,
I’m a little confused. I responded to your other post and it’s a completely different question and scenario than this post. So let’s keep everything in one spot on this thread. I asked you some questions on the other thread, so go ahead and respond to those here.
I’m not sure which issue you would like to deal with. Maybe it’s all the same issue? From this story, it doesn’t sound like there is an issue with cheating. So help me understand the whole picture between the 2 posts a little better, so I can get more clarity as to how to best guide you.
As far as this situation, men are highly misunderstood when it comes to not being attracted to an independent woman. Most men that I know LOVE an independent woman. Of course, there are men out there who don’t, but regardless, you have to be you and if a guy is not inspired by that, then he is not the right match for you.
When it comes to being independent AND making a guy feel needed, it’s really simple actually. “Needing” a guy is more about accepting him in your life as a “helper.” Some simple examples might be if he grabs groceries from my car to help, I accept. If he wants to give me a foot massage, I accept. If he wants to cook me dinner, I accept. If there is something he could help me with (even though I could do it myself) I ask him. As independent women, we are very resourceful and figure out how to do anything that we need. When a guy comes into the picture, he can become a main resource to help make life a little easier. So it makes them feel “needed” by being a main resource in our lives, even though we can do things ourselves. It’s REALLY important to feel needed in a relationship…in both directions. So you don’t need to lose or change your independence. It’s just asking for more help from a guy with things he is able to help with, even if you can do them on your own. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Were you able to talk to Aleks yet? If yes, did you guys have a great talk? Tell me about it!
Wow! What in the world do they need your marriage/divorce certificate for? Gosh, it really is crazy what you have had to go through just to work there. And the company sure as heck is not helping at all. I understand you want to take the first job you find back home. I just want to slow you down a bit. Ever since I have known you, every new job you have taken, came from a place of desperately wanting to get out of the current job. And then you end up in another job that you desperately want to get out of. So it’s been a good 3-4 years of you not wanting to be where you are at and being miserable for one reason or another. How about doing it differently this time? How about really looking at what will set you up for success and being happy? What do you need to do differently to find a job that aligns with you better? I know you are so frustrated with where you are at right now. I have to say….your boss being “by the book” is a MUCH better “bad” quality compared to the other guys you have had to work for. You at least are being treated well. You are going on adventures that are a once in a lifetime kind of thing. You are figuring it out one day at a time Rhonda. Remember when you couldn’t even get a bank account? It’s working out slowly but surely. I know it’s incredibly frustrating and hard, but I’d hate to see you step into another job that you don’t like even more, just to escape this job. What can you do differently this time around?
How was Sunday? What did you do?
Heidi
Hi Connie,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing what you are struggling with. I just have a few questions.
How long were you married and in that abusive relationship? How many times have you been cheated on? Are you the type where you date for a while before you commit or do you tend to commit pretty quickly? Is there anything you can think of that is common between all of these men? Are you able to look back at each experience and see any signs of potential cheating?
I want to encourage you and let you know that although cheating is a pattern from your past, there are plenty of men who do not cheat. The thing about cheating is, there are many reasons why it happens and the best thing you can do, is find out what is happening within you that this is a pattern in your life. Maybe the guys you are choosing are guys with little integrity. Maybe there is something missing in the relationship. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. You cannot control what someone else chooses, but you can control what YOU choose. So let’s take a journey down that road and see what we can come up with, because it’s awful to be betrayed like that.
What kind of relationship do you want to experience? If you were to rate yourself between 0-10 (10 being amazing!) what number would you give yourself as far as being a good catch? What would you rate yourself as far as being a good romantic partner?
Thank you for being here Connie!
Heidi
Hi Kathy,
Wow. 11 years is a very long time! I am soooo so sorry you are having to go through this! Losing love is incredibly difficult and it takes a while to heal. I wish love were enough to make relationships keep working. If it were, we wouldn’t have such a high divorce rate. Love is the easy part. It’s the merging of 2 worlds full of different stories, experiences, beliefs, wounds etc. that make it tumultuous and cause breakups.
I just have a few questions. First, did you like your relationship? From your perspective, was it healthy, vibrant, and nourishing? Was it a relationship that you loved being in?
What is he saying about you to other people? It might give you a clue as to why he broke up.
I’m wondering…are you willing to just overlook how he is handling all of this? You want him back without REALLY looking at the fact that he broke up without talking about it, he is seeing someone else, he is trash talking you to other people…do you really feel okay to invite someone like that back into your life on a very intimate level? Why do men think they can stomp all over our emotions like that? They think this, because they can. They get to be whoever they want to be. But if YOU accept this behavior and do not set a standard as to how you are treated, then you AGREE to being treated this way and you teach him that he doesn’t have to care about how he treats you.
Im just supposed to go along to make it easier on him? Yes. You are. If you want to be treated a certain way, then you need to require it from him. If he is not aligning with that, then yes…you make it easy on him and disappear, you don’t fight to bring him back into your life. You disappearing is teaching him that you are not going to participate in how he is handling things. If you would rather fight for him, then you get to do that too, but just know that doing that actually is what is making it easy on him because he gets to treat you like crap without any consequence. Bottom line is, YOU are the one who teaches a person how to treat you. What you accept and do not accept is YOUR choice. Your standards are your own design.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi V V,
Oh my goodness, you have been through an incredible amount of challenge! I am so so so sorry for what you are dealing with. The loss and bereavement process is a very long and drawn out process and very difficult. Have you gotten any help? There is so much to process!
As far as your guy, the first thing I want to say is, it’s not YOUR job to undo his anger, his hurt, his anything that he is feeling. The fact that he is blaming you for “losing so much time” or that you “should have done better” is a guy who isn’t taking responsibility for his choices. He CHOSE to stay. He CHOSE to participate. He is CHOOSING to be angry and pointing the finger at you. His anger is HIS and for HIM to deal with, not you. You DO NOT need to defend yourself for how he is feeling. It’s NOT okay that he is pointing the finger at you. That kind of victim mentality will sabotage a relationship so quickly. Has he always done this? Over the years, did he tend to point the finger at you and need you to fix things?
Heidi
