[Heidi G]

I highly suspect there are some physiological causes as well. Mental disorders like bipolar are different than mood disorders like anxiety and depression. Depression, at first is all about our feelings from the past and anxiety is fear of the future. With depression, the longer and more intense depression hangs around, it can turn into an actual chemical imbalance, at which time medicine is needed to help. You may be prone to depression considering your lineage, but it doesn’t mean that you are depressed because of it. If there were nothing to be depressed about, you wouldn’t be depressed, regardless of what your grandmother had. Does this make sense? Regardless, clearing the stuff your system is holding onto will undoubtedly have a huge impact on how often you get depressed and the kinds of decisions you make in your life. I understand you are not willing to invest your finances into this part of your life by working with a specialist. And 1 or 2 sessions isn’t going to be that impactful. I always say that if you really want to do some serious cleaning and clear stuff out, plan on at least a year. Since that isn’t something you want to do, you can always start the process by reading books, doing the exercises they put in the books, you can watch videos, you can purchase programs, either live or pre-recorded. There are many other options that are affordable to at least get you started on the path. Just a thought.

I knew better than to go back to work for them as I have seen them treat employees, clients and vendors like shit. I would be angry too. It’s so awful to have a company just start taking money you have worked hard for, without agreement. I hope that somehow you will be able to recover some of it. It’s a very powerless feeling. I’m wondering…how come you chose to work for this company knowing how they treated people?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

so my coping strategy failed me. LOL. Your coping strategy didn’t fail you. I know this has not turned out the way you would have chosen, but I’m a firm believe in “you may get what you wanted, but you got what you needed.” You are exactly where you are supposed to be for your growth, for your expansion, for your faith building and so much more. I know it’s sooooo not fun though.

So my tolerance for pain there is substantially lower than it used to be. I have no doubt of that! You have come through an incredible amount in your life. Your standards are much higher now and you’ve done a good job moving on! I’d like to encourage you to keep going! I take you back to your statement I know I have a high tolerance for pain, pretty much go numb to deal with it. Strong, too strong for my own good. Being that you have been in survival mode for soooo long, maybe it’s time to really look at your pain tolerance level and do some deeper healing work. Yes? No?

What specific baggage and how do you want me to deal with it? I don’t know what is in your baggage, I just know you carry around a lot of hurt. You deal with depression frequently, the words you use to tell your story and when you refer back to the hardships of your life…there is still a lot hurt that comes across. Depression, in and of itself, is enough to know that someone is carrying A LOT of unprocessed hurt, anger etc.

I just told here I knew she did the best she could at the time. I realize she had a very dysfunctional childhood so didn’t have the skills to parent well. Same with my dad. So while it hurt and I know I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, I also know they didn’t have the skills and at least wanted to do what was right. I thought I had done pretty good at dumping my baggage so could use some more specifics. You may believe that, but it doesn’t change the hurt she caused. Regardless of their limitations, they caused a TON of pain in your life that you have never really dealt with. Like you said…you go numb. That’s a coping mechanism, that is not letting go of baggage. Your mind might have forgiven your parents, but the hurt feelings they created still live inside of you. That’s why you are prone to depression more frequently. Does this make sense?

What do I suggest you do? Well…if you want deeper healing from all the hurt you have buried, I would suggest working with a specialist. I have mentioned this before, but it just seems like you have never really been interested in taking that path. Journaling and all the other skillsets to manage emotions is just working with the surface. It doesn’t help you heal from things that happened years ago. It’s more meant to support you. So in the end, it’s up to you what you want to do. When you are in enough pain or tired enough of the depression and want to create a different kind of experience in your life, maybe you will consider doing deeper work. I don’t know. Maybe you feel your life is good enough as it is and that’s okay too! Your life is your design.

I’m not sure if any of this is making sense. It’s so incredibly difficult to talk about this stuff through this platform.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

All this is helpful and somewhat it seems overwhelming and maybe a bit discouraging. Totally get it! I definitely have a tendency to overshare and can cause someone to feel overwhelmed. I’m a speedy kinda of gal when it comes to learning, so sometimes it’s too much for someone. My apologies. I will work better on taking one step at a time with you. It IS a lot of information and can absolutely feel overwhelming.

he basically said that he hardly ever brings anything up unless it is essential. He told me that it was always her bringing up issues, he never would. If I think about it now, I could see how that would prevent us from having a truly deep connection and love. Perfect! That was a great question and you got a wonderful answer! Basically, he told you that he holds things in and if you are going to know him, you are going to have to chase him. He is not really interested in being known, using his voice, or getting his needs met…he is a solo kind of guy and that’s how he handles and lives his life.

If I do ask the right questions, he will eventually open up though I think. Maybe…maybe not. But is that how you want to spend your time? Is this the kind of relationship you want to have in your life? You will be spending all your time trying to just get him to open up – of which I’m sure sometimes it might work, but sometimes it wouldn’t. That’s exhausting! You become his mother. You become the person who is caring about him and his needs and feelings because he won’t do that for himself. That’s like a mother/child relationship. It’s a toxic pattern and ruins intimacy.

I am just still heart broken. I am sure it will take a while to get over it and I am not looking forward to dating someone else again. Of course you are heartbroken. It hurts and it is going to take some time. The good thing about this pain is you are here learning now. You are learning how to be more aware and conscious of your choices. You are developing a new kind of perspective about how to date – because you don’t want to have to go through this again! It’s awful! I know you feel like you don’t want to date again and that’s okay. You are wounded and you need some healing time. You will date again when you feel ready.

I have a list of 5 things. Is that list too superficial? Am I missing the important parts? Like communication and independence, where each of us can give each other space?
1) Character (humility, respect, honesty, etc)
2) Loves outdoor activities/active
3) Likes to Travel
4) Wants more kids and loves my son
5) Loves God and giving back

It’s a great place to start! Don’t worry about what might be “superficial” or not. This is YOUR list and no one knows what works for you more than you. I would more say that these qualities are general. How about writing out how you would like to be treated when things are hard, stressful, challenging. Start with that and share it here and then I’ll give you the next step.

DO you make a list of absolute NO’s also? Everyone seems to have different flaws and at first I think that I can live with that, but over time it gets worse and worse until it doesn’t work. Part of that was my fault for being ok with it and then changing. Yes! That’s what the non-negotiable list is…the absolutes in every areas of your life. Health, money, family, spiritual, emotional etc. Think about yourself first. THink about what YOU do and need on a daily basis that helps you keep your balance. What helps keep you in joy and feeling nourished? What helps you when you are stressed out? It’s about understanding and deeply connecting with and honoring your needs and not negotiating those away. So no…you DO NOT want to do anything for the one you love. When you truly love someone in a healthy way, you DO NOT leave yourself out of the equation. Loving someone else MUST be a loving thing that you are doing for yourself. A question to always hold in your mind: Is it loving, kind and nourishing TO ME, to love this man?

I am in such a better place than I was, but I still feel like I am doing something wrong or missing something important to create a lasting, loving and extraordinary relationship. I am definitely willing to do what it takes. Well done! Very good job! I love and am fully invested in what you would like to create in the kind of love you want to experience. It’s beautiful! The first step is by having that kind of love with yourself. You said you love to love others and it sources you. What do you do that is loving for yourself that DOES NOT involve doing anything for anyone else? Now that you have identified some deep core beliefs, what can you do to source yourself? How can you feel like you belong in your life? How can you help yourself feel like you are enough? I imagine your therapist is working with you on this, yes?

The older I get the more pressure there is though if I want more kids and the less hope I seem to have. I still believed in finding the one for life, but that hope is fading faster now. First, are you okay if you don’t have more kids? Speaking from experience, my life has not turned out AT ALL the way I had imagined. The beauty in that was me learning to find the ultimate happiness and peace regardless of what showed up in my life. My happiness is not based on certain things happening in my life. Do you feel this is something you are willing to work on? Would you be willing to let go of this idea of your future and the pressure you are putting on yourself about children? Are you willing to be okay with whatever happens?
Also…would you be willing to let go of the idea of “the one for life?” The reality is, there are NO guarantees. You could have the love of your life die early, you guys could end up separating for some reason, you guys could just grow apart after 10 years…who knows! There just is no such thing as “the one.” What is more true is “the one for right now.” Is that a reality you would be willing to be open to?

Now I am more scared of commitment and heartache than ever before. This is natural. It doesn’t have to stay this way though. It’s about you working through this, learning and growing and trusting yourself that you can handle anything that shows up in your life…even another heartbreak. You are resilient, yes? You are resourceful, yes? You are willing to dive in do the healing work, yes? Then know that no matter what shows up, YOU WILL BE OKAY and heal! If you end up with another heartbreak, there will be things to learn from that experience. There are many gifts in any painful situation. You make a choice to NEVER let fear make the decisions for you. That means facing the fear each time, working with the stories that source that fear and become stronger from it.

DO I just need to give it time? What should I be working on/learning first? The first thing you should be working on, is yourself. Focus on your healing. Focus on getting to know the fears you carry around love. Focus on the woundedness you carry that cause you to pick the kind of guys that you do. When you focus on yourself, you will reap the greatest benefits.

Hopefully this was not too overwhelming for you. Let’s just keep plugging away at this!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I forgot to add something. I like to coach people in finding their “person” by using their non-negotiable list. There is quite the process to go through in creating this, but the concept is everything on this list truly is non-negotiable. It’s not a “wants” list, it’s a “needs” list. It does change and evolve over time as you shift and change, but it’s a list that says “I will not be okay in a relationship without these components.”

Here are a few things on my list:
1. Romantic
2. High emotional intelligence
3. Animal lover
4. Active
5. High communicator

My list is quite long, but the idea is this: Let’s say I have 20 things on my list. I could meet a guy who has 19 of those qualities, but if he doesn’t have that last quality, it’s a deal breaker. Every element on this list is a deal breaker. You have to get VERY clear about what your deal breakers are and then you date from that list.

At the end of the day, no one is perfect, neither am I, so there will always be things to compromise on and to accept. You have to be able to love and accept those imperfections. Again, the worst in someone has to be something you are willing to work with, accept and deal with. That’s where you compromise. You DO NOT compromise on your non-negotiable list – and on that list needs to be how you are treated when they are at their worst. I will NEVER compromise with a guy who calls me names when he is upset. If he even does that once, I’m out! I will not compromise with a guy who is not curious about himself, his wounds, his behaviors etc. If he is not curious about himself and not interested in traversing his own subconscious, I will absolutely feel VERY alone in the relationship and I will not last. That’s not something I can compromise on. So again…whatever their limitations are, they need to be acceptable for you. You have to be able to love and accept him for who he is and not who you think he could become if they fixed certain things. There will ALWAYS be something to fix. But like this current guy…you will take him back if he changes. The changes he needs to make are BIG changes and they are deal breakers for any relationship if it’s going to be happy and sustainable. So he has A LOT of work to do and it will take quite a while before anything shifts for him. So taking him back would mean you are compromising on your non-negotiable list. Thoughts on this? It’s so incredibly hard to explain everything in this format. I teach a whole class on this over several weeks, so I’m trying to summarize without adding in all the extra layers. Hopefully it’s making sense. Keep asking questions!!!

[Heidi G]

I want to start out by saying that what you are going through is incredibly tough. It seems like every which way that you turn, there is something else that is challenging that you have to deal with. Every cell in my being wishes that I could fix that for you. I know you chose this job, believing it was your dream job and it hasn’t turned out that way at all. My heart goes out to you and I’m so sorry this who experience has been more challenging than nourishing. It’s hard!

I’d like to offer some different perspectives and challenge you a bit now.
I know I have a high tolerance for pain, pretty much go numb to deal with it. Strong, too strong for my own good. Having a high pain tolerance actually makes you quite fragile. High pain tolerance does not mean you are strong in any sustainable way. I used to believe the same thing, as that is how I functioned. I could hold up under a mountain’s worth of stress and not break. I would still function and make it through. After working with a therapist for a while, the thing I realized was that kind of strength is actually very fragile. It’s not sustainable, it costs an incredible amount of energy and it prevents true, deep intimacy. I didn’t REALLY understand what she was saying until I started to undo these “pillars of strength” I had developed over the years. Whoa! I realized those pillars of strength were full of fear, lies, wounds, hurt etc. And all I kept doing, in a very unaware/subconscious way, was stepping into situations that brought me more challenge, more pain, more rejection etc. so I could keep adding to these “pillars of strength.” Yes, I got through an incredible amount in my life, but as I undid those pillars, healed and released those hurts and replaced it with self-love…I became more and more sensitive. My pain tolerance slowly decreased over the years, to the point now where I have so little tolerance for it. I have no time or energy to interact with people I am not nourished by. I have no interest in stepping into any situation that will bring hardship into my life. I have an incredibly peaceful and nourishing life with such low stress and I protect that with everything I have. THAT is what a healthy internal strength is about….having a very low pain tolerance.

The thing about your life Rhonda, is yes you have survived and have done some INCREDIBLE things!!! You are quite resilient – AND you have never really processed all of the challenge. Because you haven’t really worked deeply within, that means you are carrying around a TON of baggage that is always influencing how you experience your life. You are depressed quite a bit and you have not been happy in your life for quite a while now. Yes, external situations contribute to that in which you have no control over, but all of those external scenarios are being piled on top of all the baggage you are carrying around everywhere. It’s why you get depressed. You are carrying A LOT!!!! If you worked on letting go of that baggage from the past, the stress that shows up from current situations will be sooooooo much more easy to deal with. Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nadin,

You are asking some really really great questions! There is a TON to talk about here and many levels to work through, so stay connected as I share those different layers. It’s a really long conversation and an important one!

You don’t typically see people’s bad side early on in a relationship, or how they handle stress or do you? What am I missing? There is a REALLY important skill that needs to be developed if you are going to see “behind the mask” so to speak. It’s learning the language of the subconscious. If you understand that the MAJORITY of what we say, do and feel comes from the subconscious, then you can understand the importance of learning how to detect it and interpret it. Being that our thoughts, feelings, behaviors are sourced from a place that most people are not connected to, it’s easy to be fooled and confused as the subconscious leaks out in different ways over time. If you understand the language of it, you can definitely have a more clear understanding about who you are REALLY dealing with.

There are 2 main things you need to develop. Your intuition and understanding of behavior. As you develop these, you will see someone through a COMPLETELY different set of eyes.

Here is a very simple example. Many women easily get swept away when they come across a guy who gives them tons of compliments. I always here “I’ve never been treated so well or I’ve never had a guy so emotionally open and willing to tell me how he feels.” This is a HUGE red flag. There are a lot of variations to why a guy would be this way, but here are few reasons why I would be VERY cautious. First, guys know that women are typically used to be treated pretty poorly. A smart guy would find easy “prey” by just dishing out the compliments, getting her to fall for him and trust him, then he can have his way with her sooner than later. Another scenario might be a guy who falls waaaaay too hard, too fast. He could be a guy who is obsessive and possessive. There is this book and this “secret” group of men who study women and methods to “get” them. A guy who used to be part of that group wrote a book called “The Game.” It’s not so secret anymore, but they would use techniques like this: If there was a girl he wanted to talk to, he would find a way to “reject” her, in order to activate her need to connect. So let’s say that girl is with 3 other friends, he would walk up to the group of girls and talk to each girl EXCEPT the girl he really wanted. This causes the girl to feel left out and activate a desire to want to connect with him so she can feel “special” and included. Eventually the guy gives in and connects with her, but only after she chases him a bit. They also teach the guys to get the girl used to be touched by him. So let’s say they are on a dance floor. He might grab her hand to leave the dance floor to grab a drink, but as he grabs her hand, he grazes her breast or her yoni. He might do this a handful of times in various, subtle ways, throughout the night – to get her used to being touched by him in sexual areas of her body….kind of like subliminal messaging.

Goodness, I’m going down a rabbit hole, aren’t I? I could talk about this stuff for hours!!!!! Let me stop there and get more focused.

Here is one thing you can begin to think about and practice, even with your friends. Get good at asking questions and then paying attention to their answers…more than their words. You want to listen to their tone of voice, emotions, body language, and the words they use. Questions reveal A LOT!!!

If I am starting to like a guy, I will start to ask him questions that will tell me about how he handles stress. So I might ask things like, what are you like when are angry? Hurt? Depressed? What’s the worst heartache you’ve ever had to deal with? What did you do? What’s the biggest disappointment you have had to face in your life? WHat did you do? What’s the worst things you’ve done to someone else? How come? These types of questions can give you a potential small window into how the guy handles stress. You obviously want to deliver these questions in a way that doesn’t make him feel like he is being interviewed. They should come up in the natural course of a conversation. So I listen to what they say and then I pay attention to see if what they say is aligned with their actions. So I might purposefully create some stress and see what they do. I might show up late to a reservation. I might accidentally spill water on him. I might forget something at home and we have to go back. I might ask to change plans at the last minute. I might be extra emotional about something to see how he handles it. Does this make sense?

Let’s just start with this and see how it feels for you. This is just the tip of the iceberg. What is most important to understand though, is that we are all fundamentally the same. We ALL have trauma reactions. So the only way to truly see and understand someone else’s depths beyond the mask, is to understand yourself. You can only know someone else to the depth that you know yourself. So the deeper you go within, the easier it is to see someone else’s depths. Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Connie!

Accepting “help”–now I’m understanding it better. Oh good! I’m glad you are understanding it better. It makes it much easier to practice now. I remember in college, I had to do the same exact thing, except with a different issue. I was not very comfortable saying no. I said yes A LOT. So my therapist at the time gave me the same exact assignment and man was it uncomfortable. My boyfriend at the time struggled with it because he was very used to me saying yes – but he was great and supported me anyways. It didn’t change that we got into fights more frequently because of it though. But in the end, it was good for me! I HAD to get comfortable saying no to EVERYTHING that I had a little inkling of not wanting to do….and then I found my balance and even 30 years later I am still very balanced in this area of my life. It shifted me permanently, which is the result you want to work towards. I hope you get to have the same experience!

I’m tired of dealing with things this way and want to rid myself of this craziness and hurt that never goes away. GOOOOOOD! I’m really glad to hear this! You are supposed to be tired. It’s not a sustainable way of living if you want to be happy in your life. You are in such a beautiful place of growth and expansion and it’s just going to keep going. There is a lot to learn, right? It’s a forever path, BUT the further along you get, the more joy and peace you will find.

I understand the “obligated” thing now. The goal is to listen to yourself more than other people. I always listen to others’ ideas and perspectives, but ultimately it has to go through MY filter before I decide what I need and want. When you strengthen your own inner voice and make that your authority vs. making others’ voices your authority, you will be good to go! No more obligation!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Thank you for such a wonderful update!!! There is sooooo much to unpack here, so I’m going to do my best. Let’s just keep talking it through.

I’m not sure I fully understand your statement ‘how about accepting or asking for help even when you don’t need it.”

I do create memories with people and connect with people, so I’m a bit confused. I understand I haven’t always been going out with friends when asked but I have changed that recently (I have grown a lot with accepting offers of going out and I have asked people to go out to do things as well). We are talking about 2 different things here. Being social and accepting offers to go out is NOT about accepting “help.” That’s just about being social and building connection through play and fun. What I meant by my statement about asking for help even when you don’t need it, is more about creating a giving/receiving kind of exchange. There are a gazillion varieties of this. It could be asking for ideas or advice (even if you don’t need advice), it might be asking for ideas of restaurants to go to, or movies to see, or at the supermarket when the person asks if you want help carrying your groceries out, you say yes, even though you know you could do it yourself. Does this make sense? There are sooooo many thing you could ask for help with, but you don’t even consider it, because it’s never been an option for you before. So you are living in one extreme of doing EVERYTHING yourself. So now…in order to find the balance, you need to go to the other extreme of asking for help with EVERYTHING you can think of. Say yes to all the help that is offered. Once you get cozy with saying yes, then you can move more towards the middle where you say yes and no according to what suits you best. How does this approach feel for you?

They have been getting the complete information from me so they can fully understand where/why/when my self esteem takes a dive down low. I know I need to stop focusing on the part that it comes from my childhood and what my mother said/done.I just don’t know how to stop that from being so powerful in my brain (I’m not sure I am using the correct words for explaining it). That’s the secret key, right? The brain!!! Our thoughts and feelings are sooooo incredibly powerful. You should check out this movie, so you can better understand how your emotions and brain impacts your life. https://www.amazon.com/What-Bleep-Do-We-Know/dp/B00E6GBIKU

Strong for me is being able to complete things and handle whatever comes your way.Some days, I don’t feel like I’ve completed anything worthwhile I guess (even though I have done a lot but I don’t see it as worthy–I know this is due to the low self esteem in my eyes). I do know I need to change that mindset from reading your posts but I’m not sure where to start with it. This is a really long answer. How about looking up this method and seeing if it resonates for you and helps you make sense of what you are feeling: It’s a 4 question method that can help you move through a situation.

Home

I do feel safe in my life I have no doubt you do feel safe in your life AND there are areas where I imagine that isn’t true. We all have this. I feel incredibly safe in some parts and other parts…I still keep working with.

I usually trust my choices (I say usually because sometimes after I make a choice I second guess myself Do you trust your choices in relationships and love? Do you trust your choices and use of alcohol? Do you trust your ability to work through challenges in a healthy way?

I am that person who normally buries things I cannot fix in hopes of not having to deal with them. I do realize this is not healthy for me to do and I will work on this as I have buried so much over the years. If this is how you handle stress, then this would be an area where you do not trust yourself to work WITH your stress instead of bury it.

I haven’t read any self-help books, relationship books or any books to do about love, communication, dating, etc. Is there some that you would recommend me to look for at my local library? I have a gazillion to recommend, but I also am not sure what you and your therapist are focusing on right now for you. Maybe books to support your growth in that area is best for you? I have no doubt your therapist also would have a miles long list of recommendations, so maybe ask them about what books would be best for you right now, considering what you are working on.

This is where I struggle with things because the nice side of me used to say, sure I’ll go out with you for dinner and see how things go but now I’m seeing the red flags and going no way am I going to continue anything with this guy. I am trying my best not to be put in a place where I feel obligated to say yes (hopefully that makes sense). I LOVE LOVE LOVE this! I love that you are paying attention now! Good job! And I’m curious…what kind of situation would you feel “obligated” to say yes? What actually makes you feel “obligated?” Is it not a possibility for you to “no” in ANY situation you are in and that you are actually NOT obligated to EVER say yes?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Margaret. Thank you for being here and sharing your struggle. I’m soooo so sorry. It’s incredibly rejecting and awful to feel love for someone who isn’t on the same page as you are. Let’s really talk about this. How long have you guys been together?

Your focus is about trying to “get” him to stop looking at other girls and focus on you, but I want to invite you to consider that this guy is not interested in being that kind of partner. You keep trying to meet HIS needs at the expense of your own needs. You came out of an abusive relationship and then stepped into a rejecting relationship. You are not being physically abused, but you still chose to step into another experience where your needs don’t matter to the guy.

I don’t want to be the crazy jealous girlfriend, but I’m so tired of crying because I’m in love with someone who has told me he can’t love me back but he’s trying….but all I see is him trying to love every woman other than me. Why do you want someone to “try” and love you? Don’t you want a guy who is EFFORTLESSLY invested in you? A guy who is excited to talk to you? A guy who doesn’t feel like his day is complete without connecting with you? A guy who considers you his best friend and is interested in your needs and wants? You have chosen a guy who has no interest in being those things for you. You may have had a lovely weekend together, but that just is not enough. You are crying all the time because he isn’t emotionally available for you, so you are constantly feeling rejected. And then you have a great weekend thinking that you are actually getting somewhere with him, and then faced with the reality of who he is again. He cannot sustain a connection. He is not interested in nourishing his connection with you and he does not care enough about your needs to shift his behavior. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!

You have done a lot of wonderful things for him! You have really tried to be a wonderful partner. You are missing one thing though. Self-respect. A guy does not respect a woman who doesn’t respect herself. Your acceptance of his behavior and your acceptance of the tears and hurt you are choosing to deal with, is you not respecting your own needs and boundaries. So if you can’t even respect your own needs, desires and wants, then how can you expect anyone else to respect them? You are teaching him how to treat you. You are teaching him that his behavior is okay for you. You may say that it hurts your feelings, you may have asked him to stop many times, but none of that changes anything, does it? So you are just in the same cycle of him doing what he wants, him putting minimal effort into the relationship and you spending your time crying, watching your phone and hoping he will connect. So basically, his needs are more important than yours.

The analogy I like to use is a snake pit. You are walking down a road and you jump into a pit full of snakes. They bite and bite and bite and you are just staying in that pit, thinking that if you ask them to stop biting you, it might work. Maybe if you smack them away, they will stop biting, but what you don’t realize, is you are asking them NOT to be snakes. Snakes bite and you are wanting them NOT to be their nature. So you just stay there and continue to let them bite you and you choose to just keep hurting, instead of getting out of the pit.

He is who he is Margaret. He is not healthy for you. He is incredibly rejecting and that is not going to change. You can heal, develop higher standards as to how you expect to be treated and you can develop your self-respect. Saying no to constantly being hurt, would be the beginning of that journey. Letting him know that as much as you love him, you love yourself more and you are finally ready to make your needs a priority. Have you ever seen the movie “The Holiday?” You speak like the character Iris in that movie. Maybe check it out and see if you identify at all with her.

I know I have not offered the kind of guidance you wanted, but I’m hoping this guidance will connect you more with what you actually need.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Nadin!

Thank you for being here and sharing your story! Wow…what a whirlwind. You are falling in love one minute and the next minute he is telling you he doesn’t have any feelings. Completely shocking! I understand your confusion and really wanting him back in your life. It sounds like you guys had a really wonderful time together! Let’s talk about this a little more and see if there can be some clarity for you.

he hates talking and being open and he needed to figure this out I am really sorry to say this, but this is a deal breaker…as you are now experiencing. He has sooooo many wonderful qualities, but it only takes 1 limiting quality to ruin all of it…and it has. A person who isn’t willing to communicate, a person who isn’t willing to get help, ask for advice, ask for perspective or face challenges WITH others, is someone who is not really, truly built for relationship. Basically, he was only interested in interacting when things were good. Then the moment stress shows up…a big enough stress…he disconnects. He would rather go it alone. He would rather NOT be seen by anyone. He would rather go into his cave and not be bothered and no one is invited in…except for his daughter. This means that he is NOT set up to have a relationship. He is NOT truly intimate and nor is he interested in changing any of that.

I re-evaluated everything. I made lists of what I didn’t like and want a partner should be like. The only thing I can come up with is communication, everything else I loved about him and would want someone else to be like him (same job, same character, values, daughter, family, routines, etc.). I get that he is a great guy and has all of these amazing qualities that fit so incredibly well with your life. I know how hard that is to find. The thing is, you don’t actually want to pick a partner according to how well things go. You want to pick a partner according to who they are in their worst. How do they treat you when they are stressed? How do they treat themselves and others involved in the situation? No matter how amazing and wonderful things are when it’s good, if there is no trust, safety and respect when things are bad, the relationship will break. As you have learned, in his worst, he disconnects. He is not interested in growing. He knows his limitations and isn’t willing to do anything about them…at least not right now. So this one quality of his becomes MUCH bigger than all of his amazing qualities put together, because he is not a partner when things get rough. It’s more than just about improving communication. He has some SERIOUS fear when it comes to intimacy and allowing someone to be part of your worst side. We all struggle with this, but he is not willing to step into it.

What do you think about everything I have said so far?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Well, you may not even want to retire if you found a job that you loved doing! You were miserable in Sarnia. Do you really think you could have lasted another year? I’m sure you could have, considering your tolerance for challenging situations. Maybe it’s time to shift that!

Hey, being through 2 abusive marriages and raising two boys alone, I’ve been in survival mode my entire life. I don’t know anything different. Wouldn’t you like to know something different? When I was younger, I used to watch myself make decisions, knowing it would make my life harder. I was pretty conscious of my choices at a very young age, but that never stopped me from still making those kinds of decisions. It was always confusing to me why I did that, until I got older and REALLY looked at my relationship with pain and with challenge. It definitely was full of all kinds of “fun” stuff. I used to think that my high pain tolerance meant that I was strong and healthy. I learned that instead, it was much more healthy to have a very low pain tolerance. Choosing a life of pleasure, peace and ease meant that I now had to protect that kind of lifestyle I worked hard to create. That is soooooo much easier than constantly living in survival mode. Maybe someday you will be interested in creating something different that “what you’ve always known.”

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Christine,

Welcome to the forum! We love that you are here reaching out for some ideas and guidance.

I just have a few questions. How long has this hot and cold pattern been going? Have you talked to him about it? What is the design of your relationship? Committed? FWB? How long will he stay connected before he disappears? Do you know much about his past relationships? Is this a pattern he is aware of? How old are you guys?

I know there are a lot of questions, but it helps to get more details to try and understand what is happening.

I do want to say this though. I know it feels like he is the love of your life. I’m sure it’s amazing when he is connected, but it’s not much of a love he is offering you in return. If this is his pattern, it’ REALLY important to understand that it’s not about you. This is about him and dealing with or facing his fear of connection and vulnerability. People the come in and out of connection typically have a high need to control, a lot of low self-esteem, they are pretty fragile emotionally and they are not really set up in their hearts to be happy. Once they start to feel happy, for too long, they will disappear and disconnect to sabotage the connection – usually because they don’t trust being happy or they don’t trust love. I don’t know what is happening for this guy and nor do you, but in the end – understand what you are stepping into. A phrase or “magic words” does not fix a pattern like this. A pattern like this is FULL of all kinds of unresolved hurt from the past.

And last, but not least…I want to encourage you to either accept that this is who he is, or walk away. He deserves to be loved and accepted for EXACTLY who he is…baggage and all. A relationship will NEVER last if one person is needing the other person to change in order to be happy. A relationship lasts when BOTH people are NATURALLY on the same page and want the same things. This is not your situation at the moment. I’m not saying it can’t shift or change, but if it does, it needs to come from him WANTING to be a better partner. If this is not something he cares to address, then your job is to accept that about him and really understand what you are choosing.

I know this is not what you were wanting to hear. I completely understand your desire to turn this relationship into something spectacular. Feeling love for someone who is so limited, is extremely hard and can feel like torture! Unfortunately, with the issue you are dealing with, it’s far from a quick fix.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Wow! Strange! What I wrote this morning just now posted tonight. That’s never happened before.

I just now read your updated post and I wanted to jump up and down!!! I am sooooooo proud of you!!! You did such an incredible thing by saying yes! wowowowow! I wish I could give you the biggest hug on the planet. Good job!!!

The tears are beautiful and much needed. There is a lot of hurt, sadness, relief, joy and everything under the sun wrapped up in those tears. I’m so glad it was released out of your body!!! This is the best update ever!!!! Keep it going!!!

Heidi

• This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

Thank you for responding and sharing more of your thoughts and feelings! This is a great conversation!

I am going to start opening up more and accepting help when I need it. How about accepting or asking for help even when you don’t need it? Help is not about “needing” it. View it this way…accepting or asking for help is more about allowing someone else to get to feel good. Creating memories with someone. Feeling what it is like to be seen. Helping offers MANY opportunities! It’s NOT about whether or not it’s “needed.” It’s about connecting.

I’ve had low self esteem since childhood. I was never good enough in anything I did for my parents. We ALL have low self-esteem. I’m a very high functioning and emotionally healthy person and I had a childhood that most people do not survive. Somehow I made it. I have a TON of low self-esteem, but over the years, all the healing work has helped me develop more high self-esteem than low self-esteem. We will never be rid of that side of ourselves. We can always reduce it, but the REAL skill is learning how to embrace it and connect with that part of ourselves when it gets activated. Do you know how to do that? Is your therapist teaching you what to do when your low self-esteem gets activated?

I am a strong woman yet I don’t feel like I am most days. This is an interesting statement. What do you think “strong” is? What does it look like? What make you NOT feel like you are strong most days? What would make you feel strong? How would you live your life differently if you FELT strong every single day?

I was never taught how to choose a person or be in a relationship (all self-taught). Most people are self-taught, as most people have had horrible role models. The good thing is, there are a TON of books, videos, courses etc. of experts sharing very powerful concepts about love. Do you read any self-help books? Relationship books? Books about love, communication, dating etc?

I do trust myself in the ways you wrote because I have figured out how to heal and get back up and move on. Let’s talk about this a little deeper. You say you trust yourself, yet you don’t feel strong, you have a lot of low self-esteem, you believe you are strong but don’t actually FEEL it, you have chosen relationships that are incredibly dysfunctional, you hide from everyone…so how much do you REALLY think you trust yourself? You have gotten back up each time…so THAT you can trust about yourself. But do you trust your choices? Do you feel safe in your life? Do you feel “held” by yourself? Do you actually trust and know you are healing because you have a skillset for that process or are you burying things and not feeling them anymore? Trust is a very layered and deep thing. Trust is built over time by making decisions that support your growth and expansion. Trust is built by making decisions that feed and nourish your heart. When you have this kind of solid and deep trust in yourself, you also PROTECT yourself, you protect your peace, you protect your sacred, beautiful heart! Does this make sense?

[Heidi G]

Aleks did say he would see if he could arrange a zoom call. hmmmm….you guys have been connecting for a while now and you have tried at least 2 different times to connect through skype. He said “he would see” if he could arrange a zoom call? What does that mean? I’m not sure how much this guy is really interested in connecting. He needs to be saying “I’m available to talk Sunday if you are. Does 4 work for you?” What is stopping him from setting up a time to chat? I do appreciate that about him. What do you appreciate about him?

Oh I hope you get to go on that boat ride with that woman. It sounds like fun! You are doing a really good job getting yourself out and about and seeing different parts. It’s crazy how far everything is though. 4 hours is a looooong trip, but at least it’s on a train so you can read or sleep or just chill and relax.

So what should I do differently? All the jobs I’ve taken are the only jobs that were available. I don’t have the answer for that. Maybe consider switching up your career in some way? You have a skillset. Is this industry the ONLY place that can use what you know how to do? Maybe while working for the next year, you develop or add onto the skills you already have and then find another industry to work within? You keep getting pigeonholed into jobs you can’t stand because you have no other choice. So set yourself up to be able to have more choice somehow, whether it’s becoming independent and act as a consultant and own your business or switching industries or switching your career entirely. I don’t know. I just know that you have not been happy for a looooong time. You have spent the entire time I have known you, in some kind of survival mode, just trying to get through. Is that really how you want to spend your life because you have no other choice but to take the next open job?

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