Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I’m curious….what do you think love is? What does it look like? How does it feel?
It seems that you have some idea that over-giving is a loving thing. Did someone teach this to you? Did someone role model this for you? Is it part of your culture?
One thing love is NOT…is giving at the expense of yourself. When you overgive, you end up “loving” at the expense of yourself and that is not a healthy version of love. That is called co-dependence. Co-dependence is when you are meeting the needs of “other” at the expense of yourself. Narcissism is meeting the needs of yourself at the expense of “other.” Neither quality is good or bad. In fact, it’s important to compromise sometimes and it’s important to be selfish sometimes. It’s when either of these qualities becomes the dominant way of functioning in a relationship, that it becomes toxic and sabotages the connection. It sounds like you tend to be on the extreme side of co-dependence and that is a quality many men are turned off by and I would say your guy falls into that category. Think about it for a minute. When you disconnected and took care of yourself, he came back to you. When you fully and completely became available, he stopped feeling for you. It’s unattractive to most men when their woman doesn’t know how to say no, isn’t comfortable with her boundaries, doesn’t have standards as to how she is treated. She feels more like an emotional wet noodle instead of a strong steel pole that can handle life. Your over-giving tendencies are unkind to you and will cause him to be more uninterested in you.
With that being said, if he just doesn’t have feelings for you, there is nothing you can do about that. I have experienced that where there is an amazing guy who is great on paper, but I just don’t have the feelings, no matter how hard I try. It just is what it is and there is nothing anyone can do about it. This really might be your situation. He may just not be meant for you and you chasing after him as if he is the only guy for you, becomes more obsession vs. trusting the process that another man might actually be a better match for you. He may not have feelings for you because he has wounds from his past relationship. That also is out of your control. It’s common and normal for people to be afraid to step into marriage when they still carry hurt from past relationships. He needs to resolve this on his own and not try and fix any of it by trying to make up for what that other woman wasn’t able to do for him.
My suggestion is to accept where he is at. Would you appreciate a man constantly chasing you and badgering you after you have said you don’t have feelings for him? All you are teaching him is that you don’t listen to what he is saying. You are teaching him that you are desperate and will do anything for his affections and that what HE needs doesn’t matter to you. You are teaching him that all that matters is what YOU want, which is him. How about instead….you take a step back. Learn to set boundaries, learn different ways to communicate and relate to him in a way that is honoring to YOU. How about letting him go and letting everything happen how it is supposed to instead of forcing it the way you want it to go. You will be HIGHLY disappointed if this is how you choose to approach life. Now is a good time to learn to let go fo control and trust the process. Do you have a religion you align with? How about trusting in your “god” or your higher being that all will happen the way it’s supposed to.
How do you feel about everything I have said? Does it make sense?
Heidi
Hi Saliha,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. It is sooooo incredibly difficult to have strong feelings for someone and not have them returned. I’m so so so sorry you are having to deal with this. It sounds like you have a beautiful heart and it’s awful when it gets taken advantage of.
There are a few things I’d like to talk about first. My impression is that you are quite easy for him. It sounds like you are completely available for him anytime he wants and needs. You have overgiven time and time again, trying so hard to get him to like you and that approach typically causes men to NOT want to get involved. Your reactions to him not responding to you the way you want, are quite insecure. Meaning…there is something “wrong” with YOU that he views you as his sister. You have this incredibly strong feeling towards him, that you call love and you keep it alive with what you want him to be instead of what he actually is. You are giving him everything of you, yet he has earned none of it. He doesn’t respect you. He views you as his sister and he lied about his flights and he never followed through on the whole marriage thing…and yet you are saying that you are madly in love with this guy and that you can’t lose him. Do you see how there is a really big difference between how you feel and what is happening in reality? Yet you are professing this MAJOR love towards him when he treats you this way? Do you feel okay with this kind of love?
You have never had a relationship before. How come?
The very first thing I want to encourage you to do, is set some standards as to how you are treated. YOU are the one who teaches a person how to treat you. He is not respecting you because you have taught him not to respect you. YOU have taught him that he pretty much can do what he wants, treat you however he wants and you will always be there, over-giving and professing your love for him. That is not YOU respecting yourself, so how can you expect him to respect you when you are okay with his behavior? Does this make sense?
There is A LOT to talk about here, so let’s take some time with this and really break things down.
Heidi
OMG OMG OMG!!!! This is incredibly exciting! I’m jumping up and down for you!!!! It sounds like there is a lot of potential here!!! Does this mean you would get to go home and work locally??? Omg…that would be AMAZING!!!! How is the pay? I suppose it would depend on what kind of job you would have with them. So what’s the next step?
Heidi
Hi Teairrah,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and trusting us with your story and challenge. I know how confusing it can be when they say 1 thing and then do another. What age are you guys? My guess is, closer to early 20s because he is training for football.
I’m wondering…the way you describe things, it sounds like you were quite unhappy. It sounds like his focus was on other things and not you and you really struggled with that. Would you say this is accurate? Tell me why you want to get him back. The relationship sounds quite hard, despite how you feel about him. What makes you want to get back into it?
Have you really looked at different ways to communicate your needs with him? Complaining and getting angry with him being late etc. can start to get really exhausting for the receiver, so have you worked through on how you can relate to him differently? He is who he is. That means football and working out may be more important than hanging out with you. Is that okay? Is that something you can accept about where he is currently at in his life?
I’m not sure you both are on the same page and it feels like there are a lot of confusing feelings floating around. How do you feel about having a conversation with him about where things are at, what you both want and don’t want and then make a decision at that point on how to move forward? It doesn’t sound like he is the best communicator, so this may be something you need to initiate.
Are you clear about what you want and need from him for you to feel happy in this relationship?
Heidi
I hope you are able to get a pitcher! The water definitely might be the source. I would add lemons to all the water you drinking. It kills a lot of unwanted things in water and is very cleansing at well. Maybe give that a shot for right now until you can get a pitcher. You want to make sure you stay hydrated. Or you can boil a ton of water and then put it in a water pitcher in the fridge.
I’m curious. What kinds of questions are you going to ask on this interview on Monday? What do you know about this company? How did you find them? Do you know their reputation?
If you quit your current job, are there any penalties? I know you signed a contract, but not sure what happens if you leave early.
Heidi
I’m glad you are feeling better and recovering. Do you have any idea what you ate? Or is it possible you were sick? Sooooo awful!
Good luck in the interview. Excited to hear about what happens for you.
I have a friend who lives in China. He teaches English there at a prestigious University. He travels a TON and even as we speak, he is exploring some remote villages in China, since he can’t really leave right now due to Covid. I asked him about people not speaking English and he said he just uses an app to translate for him. He speaks English into the app and then it speaks out loud in their language and then they will understand and be able to help and they will speak into his app as well. He said it’s enough to get him around and get what he needs and it works. I’m amazed at how comfortable he is just doing that. I suppose it helps being a man and it helps that he is used to doing that so he isn’t so afraid. I would be scared too, but I’m proud of you for stepping into it! You are exposing yourself to things that you will most likely never do again and things like that change you. What are you plans when you get there? How long are you staying? You said you MIGHT be able to go. What would stop you?
Heidi
Man, you ask some really wonderful questions! You are quite brave and courageous to ask these questions. Do you know how strong you are??
so how can I find a healthy definition for me? I think that place to start is by asking yourself this question: Is it loving to me, to love this person? If YOU are the caretaker of your heart, and the health and vitality of your heart is solely dependent on what you source it with, then what would you feed it? It starts with you and how you treat it. Are you hard on yourself? Judgemental? Critical? Do you ignore it? Do you over-indulge? Do you abandon yourself? The true sign of a person’s character and how they value themselves is how they talk to themselves and treat themselves on a daily basis and MOST OF ALL, how they treat themselves under stress. What you say and do to yourself then becomes the standard that you will require from a partner. If you are used to being extremely critical of yourself, then you will accept a criticizing partner. If you are judgemental and push yourself a lot, then you will accept that from a partner. Would you say these kinds of qualities are a reflection of love? You treat others how to treat you. I, of course, am not perfect at self-talk, but in general, I have high self-esteem and self-trust in most areas of my life. There are areas where I still struggle and that’s just part of life and will always be there. But my high self-esteem far outweighs my low self-esteem therefore, I have very high standards as to how I am treated, even in the worst moments. Does this help give you some guidance?
I find it difficult in the beginning of a relationship to continue to pursue my own things, because it is just so exciting and one wants to spend every minute with the other person. I will try to be more conscious about that though. I totally understand. Since you know this about yourself, it’s important to set yourself up for success by creating a plan for yourself. What can you do to support yourself in slowing down when you first meet someone you like? Also, it’s important to understand why you do this. Part of it is probably your personality, but I’m guessing some of it comes from a wounded place that tends to rush into something that feels so good in the moment. That would be something to explore. What’s the need to rush and envelope yourself in someone’s energy that you barely know? Usually rushing things is a sign of trauma energy or unresolved feelings from the past. Something to explore within yourself. Thoughts?
Do you have suggestions on how to handle this? Also, I never dated distance if it even gets that far. How do I keep this healthy for me and start the relationship off right, should it be right, so this guy doesn’t dump me after 3 months? Yes, you have a lot of work to do on clearing your baggage. It’s okay! You are in process and still learning a lot. Maybe that is something you can discuss with your therapist? It’s hard for me to say whether you should stay away from dating right now and just focus on yourself (which maybe feels like the best approach – just from the little that you have shared), but YOU get to decide what is best for you. Only YOU know what feels right for you. Isn’t it interesting that you say “So this guy doesn’t dump me after 3 months?” Just observe this mindset that you are carrying around. It’s the flavor of the victim. It’s saying everything is your fault and you want to start things off “right” this time around. Your perspective is quite small and the magnifying glass is only on you. Whose to say that anything you have “messed up” wasn’t EXACTLY what needed to happen to save you tons of time and energy with a guy who wasn’t a good fit for you? There are always sooooooo many dynamics to a situation that you NEVER see, so to put all the focus on you, as if you were the problem somehow and you were the reason you got dumped, that’s a very reductionist view of any situation, don’t you think?
I guess eventually I will want to move on and I am kind of scared. This is what makes you NOT ready to invite another guy into your life. You are not resolved. You are not solid and peaceful and clear about your life, about this last guy, about love. So maybe it’s best you get to that space before trying to bring someone new into the mix. Otherwise, you are setting yourself up for more drama. It’s like breaking a leg and then trying to get back to playing soccer before it’s fully healed. There are consequences to that choice. Thoughts?
Heidi
You did right a lot! I’m glad. I hope you go back and read it a few times. It’s always a good thing to reflect on words that you have written. I’m curious…if this were your girlfriend talking about her boyfriend, what advice would you give her?
So, in terms of marriage and kids, we’re pretty much on the same page. If I understand correctly, you both have decided that you don’t trust “marriage” (which basically means you don’t trust love). There is nothing wrong with not wanting to get married or not needing a ceremony, but when you decide NOT to do something because of someone else’s (your parents) results, then you are making that decision from a place of wounded energy vs. a clear, authentic mindset. Plenty of people have failed marriages, so does that mean you should avoid it? If I told you how to set yourself up for a successful marriage that has the potential to last a very long time, would you feel like it’s worth a shot? You both have had very poor role modeling. In fact, it’s a rare person who hasn’t. Learn from it. Embrace it. Transform it. Create something new and different because of it. That’s empowerment, right? Love, marriage, relationship….it’s all what YOU make of it and who you choose to take that journey with.
One thing to consider…it’s not the best parts that make a relationship last, it’s actually the worst parts. It’s the worst side of each person in the couple that will make or break a relationship. So when looking for a partner to offer your heart to, you need to REALLY consider who they are in their worst and decide if they are someone you can feel emotionally safe with and go through challenges with. So I always tell people to look at the very worst of the person they are dating and ask this question….can I love and respect this part of them? If the answer is a no, not sure, maybe, or even I don’t know…then you are already on the path to a breakup. You also need to ask yourself the same question. It’s in the worst moments where the foundation of trust and emotional safety are established, so if you do not respect how your person handles the stressors in their life and the relationship, then you have a looooong road ahead of you. John Gottman did the largest study in existence on couples and what makes them last or not last. There were 4 components involved and one of those components that made a relationship not only last, but stay vibrant and nourishing even beyond the 20 years mark…they were respectful towards each other when stressed. No name calling, no ghosting or stonewalling, no criticizing…they honored and respected each other through the process of challenge. Now it’s not to say that if name calling exists in a relationship, that it couldn’t shift or change, but both people would need to work together to change how they relate to each other.
The thin about your guy is, he isn’t REALLY facing his issues. He isn’t REALLY taking responsibility for his own reactions and nor is he doing anything about them. You guys kept having the same arguments. You’d say something, he would turn and twist it around, he would hold onto those moments and not forgive and release the hurt and then bring everything up again later on. That is someone is NOT actually working through anything, but instead burying them. When someone does that, it sabotages emotional intimacy. He is holding onto those “infractions” and keeping you at a distance, without him really knowing he is doing it…until it all gets triggered again by something else you confront him on. So in reality, no matter how amazing he is and how wonderful you felt with him, he is NOT a partner you can trust when things go awry. He isn’t being honest, he isn’t really listening, he isn’t taking responsibility for himself IN THE MOMENT and he doesn’t forgive and release – but instead holds things against you. I know you have your part of the equation as well, but in the end, is this the kind of pattern you want to deal with for the rest of your life? It only gets worse as someone ages so imagine this pattern 100x worse than it is right now. Do you really think that’s a formula for a happy relationship???
Part of me thinks he just got supper defensive and responded in an immature and insecure way. I’m not sure he’s ever been in a serious relationship before. It doesn’t matter why he responded in the way he did. It matters that it’s who he is. You either step in and love this part of him and accept it WITHOUT needing him to change, or you let him go and require something more from a partner. But you also want to take a look at yourself. Do you respect how you handle stress? Do you respect how you communicated with him? Do you respect yourself and honor yourself and love yourself when you are really stressed? Is it acceptable, safe and loveable for someone to give you their heart, even in YOUR worst moments?
Heidi
Ooooohhhh noooo! What happened?? That’s so awful. I’m glad you can reschedule the bird watching portion. Hopefully, the horse people will be forgiving as well. It’s so awful to be sick and not at home. It sounds like you were eventually able to stabilize. It’s a good way to cleanse, right? lol.
My weekend was good. TONS of dog sitting for the summer months, so definitely out and about A LOT! So far so good!
Heidi
Hi Erin,
Welcome to the forum! Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. There are a lot of dynamics involved in your situation, so let’s see what we can figure out together.
First, I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with. To go from feeling like he is fully invested in you, to now being apart and broken up…it’s so intense and shocking. You guys have been incredibly involved so quickly and it was not a sustainable pace. That is a really hard thing to come to terms with and I know your heart is breaking.
The first thing I want to say is that it’s not unusual for relationships to burnout pretty quickly when they start as fast as you guys did. For him to buy gifts before he even met you, for him to say I love you when you guy had only just met…those are some pretty big red flags. He rushed in suuuuuper quick and like I said, it’s a pretty common thing for a relationship to burn out with that kind of entry. It’s not a clear, authentic kind of connection. I’m not saying he wasn’t genuine, but as fast as he was moving things – that’s more indicative of wounded energy driving his behavior – which makes it not sustainable. I’m not surprised he pulled back. To say I love you and give you all these gifts and plan to have you in his future without knowing all that you are – is more about fantasy than reality.
I imagine it felt good for you to feel like a guy wasn’t afraid of commitment and to have a guy so invested so quickly. I’m wondering if this is a new kind of experience for you. What are you past relationships like? I’m wondering if you felt that things were moving fast for you.
It sounds like part of the disconnection came from him feeling like you weren’t happy with him. What would make him feel that way? I’m wondering if how you were expressing your annoyances were hurtful for him. He seems like a pretty fragile guy – being that you said he was a bit butt hurt when you didn’t tell him you loved him right away. That’s also a pretty big red flag and full of wounded energy from the baggage he is carrying around. Did he say what “things” he needs to figure out? What do you feel you did wrong with him? What aspects of His Secret Obsession do you feel you were not applying and how was that showing up in your behavior?
What is it about this guy that you keep thinking about? Why do you want him back into your life?
Heidi
It’s really important to pay attention to those lonely feelings. Work may be distracting you from how you REALLY feel, so you end up being “distracted” from the feelings you are really having about your life. Feeling lonely is normal and it’s also quite normal to want to not feel those things and fix it by finding a partner. Again, this need to fix the loneliness through using a partner is just another distraction and not really fixing the issue…which means part of the reason you are picking a partner is to fill your life instead of feeling whole, complete, nourished and content WITHOUT a partner. Just something to thing about.
There is no etiquette or right or wrong way to do this. It’s up to you. Like I said previously, it’s about YOU deciding what kind of guy you want to be in your life. If you are the type where you like to be in control and the initiator, then respond to their “likes.” If you want who initiates more, then don’t respond to the “likes.” This is YOUR design. View all the rules and “etiquette” as more of a guideline instead of black and white. See what works for you and experiment. Respond to some likes and don’t respond to other likes and see how things go.
Thoughts?
Heidi
It’s really important to pay attention to those lonely feelings. Work may be distracting you from how you REALLY feel, so you end up being “distracted” from the feelings you are really having about your life. Feeling lonely is normal and it’s also quite normal to want to not feel those things and fix it by finding a partner. Again, this need to fix the loneliness through using a partner is just another distraction and not really fixing the issue…which means part of the reason you are picking a partner is to fill your life instead of feeling whole, complete, nourished and content WITHOUT a partner. Just something to thing about.
There is no etiquette or right or wrong way to do this. It’s up to you. Like I said previously, it’s about YOU deciding what kind of guy you want to be in your life. If you are the type where you like to be in control and the initiator, then respond to their “likes.” If you want who initiates more, then don’t respond to the “likes.” This is YOUR design. View all the rules and “etiquette” as more of a guideline instead of black and white. See what works for you and experiment. Respond to some likes and don’t respond to other likes and see how things go.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hello there! This is a great message! Thank you for sharing! Let’s dig through this…
Love to me means to never give up, because if there is a will there is always a way! This is actually NOT true. Why? Because you have another person involved and soooooo many dynamics that go into a relationship. Sometimes, no matter what you do as a couple, it just doesn’t work for one reason or another – and it’s no one’s fault and it has NOTHING to do with how much love they have for each other. Love is NOT the glue to a relationship. Love is the motivator, but the glue actually comes from the skillset of nourishing and taking care of the relationship itself. Does this make sense?
Two people deciding that being with each other is better than being alone. This goes back to your fear of being alone. It’s not necessarily that being with each other is better than being alone. It’s just a different life – not better, not worse, not anything other than just different. I wound NOT want someone to decide to be with me because it’s better than being alone. That is more about staying with someone to keep them company. It’s sooooooo much more than this.
Love is companionship and some people say there partner is their best friend! I believe that too, but am now rethinking that might not be ideal. This is interesting that you are not sure about this. How come? Being best friends is the foundation to a successful, nourishing love. Why are you rethinking this?
What is LOVE actually? Am I even close to getting it right? Oh gosh…I wish I could answer this, but there is no ONE answer. Love varies according to the culture, the beliefs, the stories, the upbringing etc. So love is defined by the couple, the person and the environment. There is no “right” answer.
It was me that chose time with him over the other things. He was a bigger priority and I don’t regret that. Is that a mistake? I guess especially in the beginning of a relationship and dating with kids every other week, I wanted to spend every minute possible with him. I am certain that over time that would ease. But is that a mistake I make from the beginning? It sounds like you got really consumed by him…meaning you really filled up your life with him and made the rest of your life smaller. This can be problematic for sure. It makes him your WHOLE world vs. just part of it. That’s a BIG responsibility for any guy, so I always encourage couples to make sure they are also nourishing their friendships, their activities and their hobbies WITHOUT their partner.
I didn’t realize that I hadn’t forgiven myself for my mistakes I made fully on a subconscious level. How do you forgive yourself fully?
Let’s say I understand that loneliness is my biggest fear. What are the steps to clear that baggage after I identified it to be fully free of it? These are such great questions Nadin! This is where having help is needed. There are a lot of books / techniques you can try or working with a specialist will help. The thing is, there is no one path to healing/forgiving because each person carries different stories/traumas. Because of this, it’s a journey to find out what works for you. That’s where it’s really helpful to have a specialist guide you. With my coach, she knows me well. Sometimes her techniques works instantly and I am able to release stuff and sometimes, she has to take me deeper and use other techniques to help me release. It just depends on the situation and what I am dealing with and how deeply rooted I am in the belief/trauma that is keeping me stuck. It’s an adventure and unpredictable. So it’s about finding the people that you resonate with and reading their books, taking their programs or learning their techniques. I will tell you though…nothing replaces working with someone 1 on 1. There are just some places you won’t get to inside of yourself, where having someone’s help is needed and that will always be true. I used to have therapy sessions every week, sometimes multiple times per week when I was dealing with the most intense stuff of my life. These days, it’s more occasional. So forgiving, releasing etc. is a journey where you have to explore what works specifically for you – and it will change over the years too. That’s why I have a vast skillset – over the past 30 years I explored many techniques, modalities, read a gazillion different books, worked with many different types of healers and so on. This will be a forever path and I will always continue to grow and learn. Does this make sense?Heidi
Thank you for the update! I am sooooo sorry it’s ending up this way. It’s so incredibly difficult to let someone go. From what you just said, I can feel the hurt and the frustration/anger. Has something happened that brought you to this realization? Has he said something?
Either way, it’s sooooo very important for you to feel that FULL acceptance of who you are. I’m glad you are walking away if you don’t feel that way with him, but I know it’s hard.
What are you doing to help yourself through this?
Heidi
