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Hi Kathy!
I get it. You’re obsessing and those kind of feelings and thoughts are so incredibly powerful. You can go back if you want to. No one is stopping you. Only you know when you are done. The same patterns will just show up again, yes. The reality is, you just may not have felt enough pain to truly let go, so if you go another round, maybe it will be even more painful that you will remember it, regardless of how nice he is being. Either way, it’s your choice. Step back in, but know what you are facing and maybe shift how you respond to it. Maybe it will go better. Maybe it won’t. It’s painful if you stay away and it will be painful if you step back in. So which pain you are willing to feel and deal with, is up to you.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You CAN do this, if you really want to. What did you think of the videos I sent you? You have to help yourself on a DAILY basis through this. What are you doing every single day to help you handle this loss? What are you doing for pleasure?
Lastly, you said you blocked out your childhood and you don’t know the trauma and that there is no way to find out. How come? There are all kinds of techniques to reveal blocked memories. Your system has to be ready to receive the information though. Sometimes, the memories stay blocked because it’s so disturbing, so your mind is “protecting” you in a sense. You just need the right kind of person who knows how to handle repressed memories and knows how to set you up for success.
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more Melissa. I can definitely feel your struggle. It sounds like you both have some deep wounds and limitations that are really hindering your connection. You are incredibly strong to be so honest about your situation. Although you may feel like you have a lot of low self-esteem, you are quite strong.
Thank you for sharing more! I love you honesty. You have more strength than you give yourself credit for. You have the strength to look at your situation from a place of owning your limitations. Do you know how rare that is??? Most people want like to pain a picture far from reality, so they can keep holding on, but you are willing to just say what it is and admit to your fears. Well done!
He said he was disappointed in me when he was in his depression hole Sunday through tuesday because he doesn’t think I’ve made enough effort to figure him out – This statement is quite concerning. It’s a “misery loves company” kind of mindset. He is wanting you (and this other girl) to do for him what he is not willing to do for himself. It is not your job to figure anything out for him. Do you feel it is? How did it make you feel when he said this? No wonder why he has this new friend. He is going to feel more seen and validated because she has similar challenges. She will be more present with him. When he is sad she will be sad with him…which is what I’m guessing he really wants. It’s an extremely limiting mindset and will always prevent deep, nourishing intimacy. The thing is, he gets to be this way and design a relationship this way. Is this what you want to participate in?
I would not focus on this new girl. She is just a symptom of some deep challenges you both carry in this relationship. She is just a reflection, not the source. It’s important that you see this for what it really is….him seeking someone to more deeply understand him in a way that sources his continued relationship with depression. Does he ever get help? Does he ever read anything about depression? Does he know where it’s coming from? What has he tried to help himself? Depression is anger turned inward. Does he ever face his anger or fears? Someone who does all the above is someone interested in empowering themselves. If he doesn’t do any of these things and instead starts a new friendship with another girl…he is more interested in someone keeping him company and doing the work for him. Does this make sense?
What are your thoughts on this?
From what you have said so far, it sounds like you guys are together more out of a fear of being alone than anything else. Of course you are bonded and of course there are some great things between you guys, but like I said before…it’s not about the good stuff – it’s about how you work together with the hard stuff. If you stay you will just be dealing with these patterns forever unless you BOTH get help together. That’s your only chance, but of course there are no guarantees. If you leave, you will also have a lot to work through. So either way Melissa, it’s going to hurt. If you stay, the hurt is indefinite. If you leave, you at least have an ending and will be able to spend a lot of time focusing on just yourself.
Therapy is a great resource! It’s time for you to fight for more in your life but you have to start with you. Develop your self love, discover your value and release a lot of the old baggage that is keeping you stuck.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
I am soooooo so sorry! I know how awful it is to watch your love slip through your fingers and not be able to do anything about it. We would love to help you get more clarity, but we need more details.
Did he say why he was breaking up?
How long have you been together?
You said he was mean about it? How come? Is this normal for him?I understand that he promised a life together, but there really are never any guarantees of something like that. Our divorce rate is over 50% despite the promise “til death do us par.” That’s because people change. That’s because people don’t pick the best partner to begin with. That’s because most of the red flags that tell them it’s a relationship that will eventually fall apart, are ignored. It’s all okay though. Love is a journey and there are ALWAYS many lessons to learn about ourselves as we navigate the adventures and mis-adventures of love. What IS true, is that when he promised those things to you, they were good for that moment and every other moment he expressed that. As life happens, as people change, those promises change with them and that’s why love is a risk.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for sharing all of this! It’s obviously a lot and I can feel your struggle.
thoughts? advice? just leave him? I don’t think your situation is that simple. You guys have been together for 6 years, with 2 of them being great and 4 of them being really challenging. You cheated and chose to stay with him, so your relationship started on some pretty rocky ground. It sounds like there are A LOT of dynamics happening between you guys. Let’s talk about that a bit more.
You guys have had some pretty toxic moments. What makes you guys stay together? It doesn’t sound like fundamentally, you both really respect each other or feel respected. Would you say that is true? He also functions quite differently than you do when it comes to problem solving. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to talk about things. That makes it pretty difficult to improve on anything and work together on things when he isn’t willing to be open, honest, and vulnerable. The reality is, it’s who we are in our worst moments, that will make or break a relationship. That’s one primary thing I am always coaching people on. You choose someone according to their worst side, not their best side. Who are they when they are stressed? How do they treat you? How do they treat themselves? Are they respectful or harmful? Obviously, you ask these same questions yourself. You never ask or require something from your partner that you are not able to offer them. It sounds like it’s possible that you guys, in your worst, don’t work very well together and as you are experiencing, it leaks out in all different ways. Thoughts on this?
I knew I was living in some sort of alternate reality that was not sustainable This is interesting. Why would you think this? Do you think it’s not possible to be that happy and sustain that? Or did you know instinctively that you guys as a couple don’t have the skills to maintain that happiness? I’m wondering if you have this belief in general about love and relationship. Maybe you are not sure it’s possible to actually have a peaceful, nourishing and vibrant love.
There is a lot to unpack here, so let’s keep talking through all the layers. It’s a great way to really learn about yourself!
Heidi
I’m really impressed with you. You have a higher emotional intelligence and you are quite internally strong to be able to know the truths that you do. The thing is, it doesn’t matter what you know, it matters how you use that information. That’s usually the sticking point. Meaning, I know A LOT, but that doesn’t change I still have wounds that influence my choices when it comes to dating, love and relationships. That last guy I sort of dated, was ENTIRELY not available for me to the level that I needed. I knew it and I saw all the signs of it from the beginning. I moved forward with him anyways. I was more in a scarcity energy in my life when he came along, so he filled me up in ways that made me feel soooooo good. And that’s okay! It was tough letting him go and it hurt, but I used the experience to still bring me healing and growth. So what we know and what we choose will not align many times…especially when it comes to love. Use those experiences as a mirror to what is happening in YOU that you would choose an experience that you know is not for your highest good. Let your choices teach you where you are not aligned in truth. Let this connection show you where your low self-esteem lives. It’s all available and ready to be healed if you want.
I also know I don’t need to rely on other people’s apology or closure to move on but it does ease a bit of the pain. You are absolutely correct on this. You can heal without him and I would encourage that. Why? Mostly because it will teach you that you CAN do that. This will NOT be the last time in your life that you will need to heal, forgive and release without the aid of the offending person. It will happen MANY more times in your life, so learning how to do that now is a good thing for you. It empowers you. It strengthens you. It helps you know that truly have 100% of the power to create or destroy your happiness and it is NEVER dependent on the other person. It’s worth the journey.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to call him up and ask questions about stuff but right now I think he would just think I’m trying to get him back instead of me trying to get a perspective to better myself for the right person for me. You would be trying to get him back. And that’s okay. Of course that is what you want because you guys are connected, regardless of the limitations of the relationship. You don’t need his perspective. When you are truly healed, his perspective won’t matter. Besides, he is pretty mucked up anyways, so it’s not like you will get the most intelligent, clear, aware, wise answer from him that will help you. There are plenty of things you already know you can do to work on yourself.
A healthly relationship to me looks like two people who love and respect each other. This is a great starting place! I attached 2 articles from the Gottman Institute. This is a great resource in understanding how to create a strong, healthy relationship. They have studied love for decades and have an incredible amount of information. I would also suggest to read “A man’s guide to women.” Yes, it’s a book written for men, but it will help you understand some of your fundamental needs as a woman. It will help you be able to differentiate between you being “crazy” for your needs vs. what is more normal. I love that you were even exploring that. Very intelligent!!!
The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling
Heidi
But I now know what is healthy and what’s not so I can back off in the future. Let’s talk about this more. What do you consider to be a healthy relationship?
How do I know when I am in a relationship with a guy, how long is too long to let them take space to themselves? Is it normal for a guy to take days to not talk to his girl with no warning? I know people may not want to consult someone every time you want to be alone but a text is not too much right? I understand your line of questioning and they are really great questions. These are questions you can answer for yourself though. I think you already know the answers to these questions, but you are having a hard time accepting it. Let’s walk through this for a second. If a friend of yours came to you and asked you these very questions, what would you tell her?
What is your personal opinion on the situation so far? Does it sound like he no longer wants to continue with me or he is trying to exit my life while he figures out what else he wants next? First, it’s not personal but you are making it personal as if he wants to leave YOU vs. his life just being extremely stressful right now…which is about him. Let’s just say it IS about you. The thing you have to pay attention to, is how he handles it. You are learning that he disappears when the stress is high enough. This is his coping mechanism and this WILL NOT change unless he REALLY REALLY REALLY works hard at it. I’m not sure he is willing to do something like that. None of our coping mechanisms really change…we just end up learning how to better manage how we cope. For example, I definitely LOVE LOVE LOVE to disappear and become unavailable when I am stressed. BUT…I know how unkind it is, I have learned new ways to deal with stress and I have also cleared a TON of baggage to be able to handle my life differently. So…I’m not seeing your guy change anytime soon. He would need A LOT of work, with experts, through books, through learning new ways to handle stress etc. if he is going to shift this response to his life. Do you see him doing something like that?
Heidi
It sounds like you would have a wonderful time if you were home. Next year! You have many more years ahead of you where you will get to spend it in the mountains. For right now, you get to have an experience that is strengthening you in very special ways that you are not even aware of yet. Value this time while you are there. I really hope Dynamysk will come through for you too. Will you still want to retire in a year if you get this job?
Heidi
I’m glad you are learning! This is great! Do you understand where your anxious attachment style comes from? How are you helping yourself through that? Being that you were not happy in the relationship, would you say that shifting your perspective about how you were responding to him, has changed that? It doesn’t sound like he has changed much, but you have. So do you feel that you actually can be happy with him as your partner in life if he were to NOT change?
I don’t wanna say the wrong thing. I get it. I understand you want to say things that help him feel supported. The thing is, there is no “right” or “wrong” thing to say. You just need to be yourself and if you end up saying the “wrong” thing, that’s okay!!! If he is not able to handle that, then he is not the right person you. Relationships need to be able to withstand moments where we are imperfect. We all are going to mess up MANY times in the course of the relationship, so what’s more powerful than trying to say the “right” thing is to be able to be yourself. He can teach you along the way what is more helpful or not helpful for him. You can always start by saying something like, “I really want you to feel supported by me. I’m a little worried I’m going to say the wrong thing, so I’m going to do my best to navigate this with you. You can teach me along the way what is working and not working for you. Is that okay?”
What I want is for him to be able to talk to me and not ghost me. I want him to keep his word on things. Of course you want this. We ALL want this. The thing is, he gets to decide who he wants to be. He gets to decide if he wants to have integrity in his word or not – at any given moment. So far, he seems to have a pattern of not being the best communicator, as do you, so the most you can do is improve on yourself and how you relate to him. He may not be interested in getting better in the same way and that is something you have to accept about him. Choosing someone like him means that you are going to get ghosted and that has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do about it. You either choose to accept him – as is – or you move on. It’s about YOU deciding what your standards are as to how you will be treated and you cannot force or push someone into treating you the way you want. You simply accept their behavior in your life or you don’t – based on YOUR standards. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
That would be an amazing Christmas present to get to be home for good!!! I love that you heard that Dynamysk is a good company to work for!! I hope it’s true for you. I’m definitely sending good vibes your way to have something open up there! It’s something to look forward to.
What’s Canada Day? Is it like July 4th Independence Day? What would you do if you were home?
Heidi
This is great news. So now it’s just a matter of waiting then? If something opens up, they will contact you? But if nothing opens up, then you just finish out your current contract? Am I understanding this correctly?
I’m so glad to hear they would be able to match your salary and hopefully allow you to work from home…or at least be back in your own house and near the mountains. That would be amazing!!!
Heidi
I’m curious….what do you think love is? What does it look like? How does it feel?
It seems that you have some idea that over-giving is a loving thing. Did someone teach this to you? Did someone role model this for you? Is it part of your culture?
One thing love is NOT…is giving at the expense of yourself. When you overgive, you end up “loving” at the expense of yourself and that is not a healthy version of love. That is called co-dependence. Co-dependence is when you are meeting the needs of “other” at the expense of yourself. Narcissism is meeting the needs of yourself at the expense of “other.” Neither quality is good or bad. In fact, it’s important to compromise sometimes and it’s important to be selfish sometimes. It’s when either of these qualities becomes the dominant way of functioning in a relationship, that it becomes toxic and sabotages the connection. It sounds like you tend to be on the extreme side of co-dependence and that is a quality many men are turned off by and I would say your guy falls into that category. Think about it for a minute. When you disconnected and took care of yourself, he came back to you. When you fully and completely became available, he stopped feeling for you. It’s unattractive to most men when their woman doesn’t know how to say no, isn’t comfortable with her boundaries, doesn’t have standards as to how she is treated. She feels more like an emotional wet noodle instead of a strong steel pole that can handle life. Your over-giving tendencies are unkind to you and will cause him to be more uninterested in you.
With that being said, if he just doesn’t have feelings for you, there is nothing you can do about that. I have experienced that where there is an amazing guy who is great on paper, but I just don’t have the feelings, no matter how hard I try. It just is what it is and there is nothing anyone can do about it. This really might be your situation. He may just not be meant for you and you chasing after him as if he is the only guy for you, becomes more obsession vs. trusting the process that another man might actually be a better match for you. He may not have feelings for you because he has wounds from his past relationship. That also is out of your control. It’s common and normal for people to be afraid to step into marriage when they still carry hurt from past relationships. He needs to resolve this on his own and not try and fix any of it by trying to make up for what that other woman wasn’t able to do for him.
My suggestion is to accept where he is at. Would you appreciate a man constantly chasing you and badgering you after you have said you don’t have feelings for him? All you are teaching him is that you don’t listen to what he is saying. You are teaching him that you are desperate and will do anything for his affections and that what HE needs doesn’t matter to you. You are teaching him that all that matters is what YOU want, which is him. How about instead….you take a step back. Learn to set boundaries, learn different ways to communicate and relate to him in a way that is honoring to YOU. How about letting him go and letting everything happen how it is supposed to instead of forcing it the way you want it to go. You will be HIGHLY disappointed if this is how you choose to approach life. Now is a good time to learn to let go fo control and trust the process. Do you have a religion you align with? How about trusting in your “god” or your higher being that all will happen the way it’s supposed to.
How do you feel about everything I have said? Does it make sense?
Heidi
Hi Saliha,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. It is sooooo incredibly difficult to have strong feelings for someone and not have them returned. I’m so so so sorry you are having to deal with this. It sounds like you have a beautiful heart and it’s awful when it gets taken advantage of.
There are a few things I’d like to talk about first. My impression is that you are quite easy for him. It sounds like you are completely available for him anytime he wants and needs. You have overgiven time and time again, trying so hard to get him to like you and that approach typically causes men to NOT want to get involved. Your reactions to him not responding to you the way you want, are quite insecure. Meaning…there is something “wrong” with YOU that he views you as his sister. You have this incredibly strong feeling towards him, that you call love and you keep it alive with what you want him to be instead of what he actually is. You are giving him everything of you, yet he has earned none of it. He doesn’t respect you. He views you as his sister and he lied about his flights and he never followed through on the whole marriage thing…and yet you are saying that you are madly in love with this guy and that you can’t lose him. Do you see how there is a really big difference between how you feel and what is happening in reality? Yet you are professing this MAJOR love towards him when he treats you this way? Do you feel okay with this kind of love?
You have never had a relationship before. How come?
The very first thing I want to encourage you to do, is set some standards as to how you are treated. YOU are the one who teaches a person how to treat you. He is not respecting you because you have taught him not to respect you. YOU have taught him that he pretty much can do what he wants, treat you however he wants and you will always be there, over-giving and professing your love for him. That is not YOU respecting yourself, so how can you expect him to respect you when you are okay with his behavior? Does this make sense?
There is A LOT to talk about here, so let’s take some time with this and really break things down.
Heidi
OMG OMG OMG!!!! This is incredibly exciting! I’m jumping up and down for you!!!! It sounds like there is a lot of potential here!!! Does this mean you would get to go home and work locally??? Omg…that would be AMAZING!!!! How is the pay? I suppose it would depend on what kind of job you would have with them. So what’s the next step?
Heidi
Hi Teairrah,
Welcome! Thank you for being here and trusting us with your story and challenge. I know how confusing it can be when they say 1 thing and then do another. What age are you guys? My guess is, closer to early 20s because he is training for football.
I’m wondering…the way you describe things, it sounds like you were quite unhappy. It sounds like his focus was on other things and not you and you really struggled with that. Would you say this is accurate? Tell me why you want to get him back. The relationship sounds quite hard, despite how you feel about him. What makes you want to get back into it?
Have you really looked at different ways to communicate your needs with him? Complaining and getting angry with him being late etc. can start to get really exhausting for the receiver, so have you worked through on how you can relate to him differently? He is who he is. That means football and working out may be more important than hanging out with you. Is that okay? Is that something you can accept about where he is currently at in his life?
I’m not sure you both are on the same page and it feels like there are a lot of confusing feelings floating around. How do you feel about having a conversation with him about where things are at, what you both want and don’t want and then make a decision at that point on how to move forward? It doesn’t sound like he is the best communicator, so this may be something you need to initiate.
Are you clear about what you want and need from him for you to feel happy in this relationship?
Heidi
I hope you are able to get a pitcher! The water definitely might be the source. I would add lemons to all the water you drinking. It kills a lot of unwanted things in water and is very cleansing at well. Maybe give that a shot for right now until you can get a pitcher. You want to make sure you stay hydrated. Or you can boil a ton of water and then put it in a water pitcher in the fridge.
I’m curious. What kinds of questions are you going to ask on this interview on Monday? What do you know about this company? How did you find them? Do you know their reputation?
If you quit your current job, are there any penalties? I know you signed a contract, but not sure what happens if you leave early.
Heidi
