[Heidi G]

How was your weekend? Were you able to get out and connect with nature and do the trail ride?

[Heidi G]

Hi Erin,

Welcome to the forum! Thank you for being here and sharing your story with us. There are a lot of dynamics involved in your situation, so let’s see what we can figure out together.

First, I am so sorry for what you are having to deal with. To go from feeling like he is fully invested in you, to now being apart and broken up…it’s so intense and shocking. You guys have been incredibly involved so quickly and it was not a sustainable pace. That is a really hard thing to come to terms with and I know your heart is breaking.

The first thing I want to say is that it’s not unusual for relationships to burnout pretty quickly when they start as fast as you guys did. For him to buy gifts before he even met you, for him to say I love you when you guy had only just met…those are some pretty big red flags. He rushed in suuuuuper quick and like I said, it’s a pretty common thing for a relationship to burn out with that kind of entry. It’s not a clear, authentic kind of connection. I’m not saying he wasn’t genuine, but as fast as he was moving things – that’s more indicative of wounded energy driving his behavior – which makes it not sustainable. I’m not surprised he pulled back. To say I love you and give you all these gifts and plan to have you in his future without knowing all that you are – is more about fantasy than reality.

I imagine it felt good for you to feel like a guy wasn’t afraid of commitment and to have a guy so invested so quickly. I’m wondering if this is a new kind of experience for you. What are you past relationships like? I’m wondering if you felt that things were moving fast for you.

It sounds like part of the disconnection came from him feeling like you weren’t happy with him. What would make him feel that way? I’m wondering if how you were expressing your annoyances were hurtful for him. He seems like a pretty fragile guy – being that you said he was a bit butt hurt when you didn’t tell him you loved him right away. That’s also a pretty big red flag and full of wounded energy from the baggage he is carrying around. Did he say what “things” he needs to figure out? What do you feel you did wrong with him? What aspects of His Secret Obsession do you feel you were not applying and how was that showing up in your behavior?

What is it about this guy that you keep thinking about? Why do you want him back into your life?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

It’s really important to pay attention to those lonely feelings. Work may be distracting you from how you REALLY feel, so you end up being “distracted” from the feelings you are really having about your life. Feeling lonely is normal and it’s also quite normal to want to not feel those things and fix it by finding a partner. Again, this need to fix the loneliness through using a partner is just another distraction and not really fixing the issue…which means part of the reason you are picking a partner is to fill your life instead of feeling whole, complete, nourished and content WITHOUT a partner. Just something to thing about.

There is no etiquette or right or wrong way to do this. It’s up to you. Like I said previously, it’s about YOU deciding what kind of guy you want to be in your life. If you are the type where you like to be in control and the initiator, then respond to their “likes.” If you want who initiates more, then don’t respond to the “likes.” This is YOUR design. View all the rules and “etiquette” as more of a guideline instead of black and white. See what works for you and experiment. Respond to some likes and don’t respond to other likes and see how things go.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

It’s really important to pay attention to those lonely feelings. Work may be distracting you from how you REALLY feel, so you end up being “distracted” from the feelings you are really having about your life. Feeling lonely is normal and it’s also quite normal to want to not feel those things and fix it by finding a partner. Again, this need to fix the loneliness through using a partner is just another distraction and not really fixing the issue…which means part of the reason you are picking a partner is to fill your life instead of feeling whole, complete, nourished and content WITHOUT a partner. Just something to thing about.

There is no etiquette or right or wrong way to do this. It’s up to you. Like I said previously, it’s about YOU deciding what kind of guy you want to be in your life. If you are the type where you like to be in control and the initiator, then respond to their “likes.” If you want who initiates more, then don’t respond to the “likes.” This is YOUR design. View all the rules and “etiquette” as more of a guideline instead of black and white. See what works for you and experiment. Respond to some likes and don’t respond to other likes and see how things go.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hello there! This is a great message! Thank you for sharing! Let’s dig through this…

Love to me means to never give up, because if there is a will there is always a way! This is actually NOT true. Why? Because you have another person involved and soooooo many dynamics that go into a relationship. Sometimes, no matter what you do as a couple, it just doesn’t work for one reason or another – and it’s no one’s fault and it has NOTHING to do with how much love they have for each other. Love is NOT the glue to a relationship. Love is the motivator, but the glue actually comes from the skillset of nourishing and taking care of the relationship itself. Does this make sense?

Two people deciding that being with each other is better than being alone. This goes back to your fear of being alone. It’s not necessarily that being with each other is better than being alone. It’s just a different life – not better, not worse, not anything other than just different. I wound NOT want someone to decide to be with me because it’s better than being alone. That is more about staying with someone to keep them company. It’s sooooooo much more than this.

Love is companionship and some people say there partner is their best friend! I believe that too, but am now rethinking that might not be ideal. This is interesting that you are not sure about this. How come? Being best friends is the foundation to a successful, nourishing love. Why are you rethinking this?

What is LOVE actually? Am I even close to getting it right? Oh gosh…I wish I could answer this, but there is no ONE answer. Love varies according to the culture, the beliefs, the stories, the upbringing etc. So love is defined by the couple, the person and the environment. There is no “right” answer.

It was me that chose time with him over the other things. He was a bigger priority and I don’t regret that. Is that a mistake? I guess especially in the beginning of a relationship and dating with kids every other week, I wanted to spend every minute possible with him. I am certain that over time that would ease. But is that a mistake I make from the beginning? It sounds like you got really consumed by him…meaning you really filled up your life with him and made the rest of your life smaller. This can be problematic for sure. It makes him your WHOLE world vs. just part of it. That’s a BIG responsibility for any guy, so I always encourage couples to make sure they are also nourishing their friendships, their activities and their hobbies WITHOUT their partner.

I didn’t realize that I hadn’t forgiven myself for my mistakes I made fully on a subconscious level. How do you forgive yourself fully?
Let’s say I understand that loneliness is my biggest fear. What are the steps to clear that baggage after I identified it to be fully free of it? These are such great questions Nadin! This is where having help is needed. There are a lot of books / techniques you can try or working with a specialist will help. The thing is, there is no one path to healing/forgiving because each person carries different stories/traumas. Because of this, it’s a journey to find out what works for you. That’s where it’s really helpful to have a specialist guide you. With my coach, she knows me well. Sometimes her techniques works instantly and I am able to release stuff and sometimes, she has to take me deeper and use other techniques to help me release. It just depends on the situation and what I am dealing with and how deeply rooted I am in the belief/trauma that is keeping me stuck. It’s an adventure and unpredictable. So it’s about finding the people that you resonate with and reading their books, taking their programs or learning their techniques. I will tell you though…nothing replaces working with someone 1 on 1. There are just some places you won’t get to inside of yourself, where having someone’s help is needed and that will always be true. I used to have therapy sessions every week, sometimes multiple times per week when I was dealing with the most intense stuff of my life. These days, it’s more occasional. So forgiving, releasing etc. is a journey where you have to explore what works specifically for you – and it will change over the years too. That’s why I have a vast skillset – over the past 30 years I explored many techniques, modalities, read a gazillion different books, worked with many different types of healers and so on. This will be a forever path and I will always continue to grow and learn. Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Thank you for the update! I am sooooo sorry it’s ending up this way. It’s so incredibly difficult to let someone go. From what you just said, I can feel the hurt and the frustration/anger. Has something happened that brought you to this realization? Has he said something?

Either way, it’s sooooo very important for you to feel that FULL acceptance of who you are. I’m glad you are walking away if you don’t feel that way with him, but I know it’s hard.

What are you doing to help yourself through this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Patricia! Welcome to the forum! Your question is not too basic at all. Us coaches are online only at certain times of the day, so give at least a 24-hour window for us to get back to you.

The only thing missing is someone special to share the beautiful life I hope it’s okay to talk about this a bit. I know it’s not part of your question, but it is part of the mindset that impacts how you date. I just want to shed some light on it a bit and you take it or leave it of course. The way you said this insinuates you are “missing” something in your life, which in essence means you do not feel whole and complete with how your life is right now and the way to fix that is to find a partner to fill that hole. This mindset can really muck things up in your life because it’s about you trying to find someone to fill that space vs. you filling that space by yourself. What if are single for another 5 years? Or 10 years? Is that something you could be okay with? It sounds like you really love your life right now. Do you feel like you could continue loving your life even if there is no guy to share it with for the next decade?

Okay…let’s dive a little deeper into your question, because it’s not quite as simple as giving you a few sentences to respond with. You have to look at what you really want. Personally, I am not interested in a guy who just presses a button that says he likes my profile. I am interested in a guy who is inspired to reach out and have a conversation with me. So that is a standard I have set before. A like is nice, but it’s kind of similar to being out, catching eye contact with a guy who sends you a smile, but that’s about as much effort as he puts in. He never comes over to say hello. So is this something you feel okay with? What are your standards?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

It helps hugely in how I raise my son, but I am unsure how the believes I developed growing up, tie to what kind of a guy I am drawn to? Let’s say that you develop a belief that love = abuse. Remember, your beliefs get developed from a CHILD mindset, so stories and beliefs imprint from a child viewpoint. So that’s how love = abuse. If a child only receives attention from mom or dad by being yelled at, hit, thrown around, that child will pair love and attention with abuse. When that child story about abuse is not resolved once they are an adult, that belief will influence who they are attracted to. In very basic terms, it’s what the child is used to and knows how to live. That adult would NOT feel comfortable with someone nice. They wouldn’t know how to deal with it. It would be uncomfortable, they instantly would not trust the nice person and they would do all kinds of things to sabotage the kindness…because the belief of that adult is that love is paired with abuse. You change that by working with a specialist, educating yourself and helping yourself change the story around love. This is a VERY simplified answer, as there are a gazillion layers to this concept, but this is at least a start. Does this help you understand? If you feel stuck with your own situation, let’s talk about it more. What is your story/belief about what love is?

Ok, so if I understand you correctly, I have things I am not following through with myself. Do I need more clarity, what exactly it is I want? Like I said, it has changed over the last 8 years with every relationship. This is part of the path, but not the priority right now. This is about creating clarity about something external – a relationship. Your priority and where you receive clarity from is when you go internal and develop/strengthen yourself from the inside.

What does the recent breakup show about where I don’t love myself? I tried digging into that, but came up with blank. I don’t know all of the details of your relationship to be able to give you several examples, but the one example is you wanting to do what you can to get this guy back. You came here wanting to fight for a guy who bailed on you pretty quickly, without talking to you, without trying to work through things with you, without being a true partner. One day he is playing and having fun and bonding with you and the next he is telling you he doesn’t really have feelings for you. This is a guy who is not safe to be with emotionally….yet you wanted to get him back. Self love would be saying “As much as I connect with man, I am not interested in being connected with someone who is not clear and handles things this way. I love myself more than a connection with a man who is not clear that I am someone he wants in his life.” Is this helpful?

I somehow hoped for a second chance to do everything the right way and be pregnant and enjoy it and feel the excitement, versus the horror I experienced, have another child full time. Do you see how you wanting a child is coming from a place of woundedness? You have not forgiven yourself from the past and you want to do things “right” and that is NOT a way that you want to bring a child into this world. It’s using that child to give YOU the experience you feel you want to create and using that child for your own healing. Truth is, even if you had another child, there is no guarantee you would get to have that kind of experience anyways.

I also think I connect that family goal with loneliness in the future. I get sad, homesick and lonely on holiday’s every year (also something I need to work on), if I look into the future I see a table full of kids and grandkids around the Christmas table. No loneliness or let’s say I fear that not happening. Bingo! You are getting it!!! You are starting to see how having more kids is more about avoiding loneliness than anything. So once you do the healing work, clear the baggage, THEN you can create a family, or not create a family, from a clear place and not a wounded place or fearful place. Make sense?

When I try to think about it, I feel a mental block of emptiness, like I am hitting a wall. This is usually a symptom of trauma. We have amazing abilities to block things out, go blank, go numb in order to survive things. So hitting a wall is letting you know that you are protecting something. What that is? Who knows.

What you are saying makes a lot of sense, great job on clearing that baggage and finding happiness and being present! Thank you for acknowledging this! Made me feel good 🙂

I could see myself live somewhere by the ocean sailing or living on a sail boat. I would love to envision a partner to do life with, even without kids. See??? A beautiful and amazing life IS possible without more children. There are pros and cons to no more children and pros and cons to more children. Either direction, your sole job to create and protect your own happiness…that’s it! So that no matter what shows up in your life, you know how feel complete, fulfilled and happy with WHAT IS.

I know this is a lot. Hang in there. Keep asking questions, keep being curious, keep exploring. You will absorb what you are ready to absorb, so just trust that.

Heidi

• This reply was modified 3 years, 4 months ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

Okay! Noooooow I get it! I understand what he was saying! Thank you for explaining it.

I can understand why something like that would be a trigger for you. My guess is, he was just fishing in a very indirect way. So let’s look at your reaction a bit more. This is a beautiful moment of really observing the unresolved baggage from your past that got triggered by his comment. That is what makes all of us so different and unique and WHY it’s so incredibly important to NOT judge someone when they are having a reaction….there is ALWAYS a valid reason (to them) for their reaction and it’s ALWAYS triggering some unresolved hurts. If he were to have said that comment to me, I would have just smiled and played with it a bit more instead of getting angry. This is part of you understanding human behavior in general. You reacted and got triggered and someone else would have wondered what’s the big deal, including the guy who made the comment? So it’s important to understand that fundamental difference that exists between all of us. Then it’s important for you to own your reaction and take care of yourself. Really look at the core of your reaction. It has nothing to do with this guy, but instead feeling no seen, not known and feeling “accused” of something that was not true. Work with those feelings. Get to know them, ask more questions of yourself and explore where you are holding on tight to some of the wounds from your past. Does this make sense?

I feel like it’s a good idea for you to take some time and stop dating. You definitely have a higher level of sensitivity and I LOVE IT! It’s soooooo important for you to allow more parts of you to come out and to use your voice. There is a lot of healing that needs to take place right now, so getting to focus on yourself is really important. What kinds skills do you want to develop? How do you want to work through your triggers? How would you handle it differently if this were to happen again?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

This is another huge step for me I think because I probably would have thought oh he’s a nice guy so what does it hurt. Now, I’m looking out for me in a huge way. Thank you for helping me to find this part of me again! Yayayayayaya! This is soooooo exciting!!!! I’m really really proud of you! You are heading in a really good direction!!! I want to invite you to disconnect from him completely. Unfriend him and block him. Do not let him into your world and if you end up running into him, just be cordial and move away from him. He has no interest in respecting your boundaries. He is behaving in a way where he is showing you that his agenda is all that matters and how you feel and what you want is not important to him. That is a guy who is potentially abusive! I will never forget in college when they called all of us female athletes into an auditorium and a police officer talked to us about sexual assault. He said one thing that I never forgot. He said that if you say no and the guy does it anyways, even if it’s trying to hold your hand, buying you another drink or whatever…HE IS A POTENTIAL RAPIST. It shocked me because guys had been that way all the time with me and I just thought it was normal. I had never looked at it that so it was very eye opening and very true. So get as far away from that guy as possible. Next time, you will catch this behavior much sooner and instantly disengage. The very first time a guy ignores your requests, boundaries, expressed needs, you will get up and walk away instantly. Because you stayed and continued to interact for a bit, he was able to push you a bit further and a little further and a little further. Guys like that know how to push a woman until they eventually get what they want. You stopped the momentum which is AMAZING!!!! Now it’s time to close the door completely. No explaining, no nothing. DO NOT give him one more ounce of your energy. I’m super super excited for you to get to feel this part of you!!!! WOOOOHOOO!

I’m sure he will wait to see you. I’m so sorry but I am really confused. I do not understand what this means. I don’t get how what he said was offensive. I don’t even understand what he said and what it means. Can you explain this to me?

I did message him this morning wishing his father well for surgery today and if he needed to talk he knew where I was and he thanked me for it. I know this could have been the reason why he said it because he’s worried about his father’s surgery but still it did not need to be said in my eyes (maybe I’m being oversensitive right now since working on me). But in the end, I did stand up for myself and made it clear that no one was going to walk over me with things. Here you are again, reconnecting with a guy who had no idea, nor interest in understanding how he triggered you. For him to “play dumb” is a wimpy way out. From what you told me about how you responded, it seems to me like it was pretty clear that he upset you. Although I don’t understand why, from how you explained things, he is not very connected to himself or to you nor equipped to deal with your emotions in a healthy way. And now you are reconnecting with him and re-engaging with him by asking him about his father’s surgery. This is you plopping back into the pattern that you are wanting to get away from. Does this make sense?
Yes, you stood up for yourself!!! But by re-engaging, you are not following through. You are not honoring that you did not feel seen, heard or understood by him, yet you are moving forward with him anyways. It is NOT your job to teach him. If he wants to learn how to be more conscious and connected to a woman, he can take that journey on his own. It is NOT your job to teach him or tell him how he upset you. Your job is to deal with your reaction and really look into what triggered you and why AND to also disconnect from this guy as well, because he is not emotionally safe nor available for you. Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Ohhh! You are in Colorado?? So am I! I live near Boulder. Whereabouts are you??

But growing up I never had boundaries only the shame, disappointed in you and can’t even look at you treatment. Clearly that is why I feel like I am not enough. BINGO! I’m sure you are working with your therapist on this stuff, so I won’t spend much time on this. Do you feel really clear as to how your relationships with your parents are influencing the design of your life??

So yes I am working on my believes of belonging and feeling lonely, but counseling has not been very fruitful in that regard. Any suggestions? I’m wondering if you really feel like therapy is having the kind of impact you were hoping for. How do you feel about the process? I have a brilliant coach who is able to help me clear my baggage soooo quickly. Her methods and techniques work so fast, there is not a single session I have ever had with her over the years, that didn’t feel like I was a different person after the session. She isn’t for everyone, because she is a very deep diver and holds you accountable for EVERYTHING you are choosing in your life. A lot of people are not up for that kind of journey which is okay. I’m happy to share her contact information if you would like to just have a short conversation with her to see what she is about. Just let me know and I’ll send you a private email. She is worth every penny in my opinion. This is how you need to feel about the person you are working with. If you feel anything less than this, maybe it’s time to consider looking elsewhere? Just a thought.

Everything you listed is great! You created some wonderful qualities! So the concept is, you must be able to give all of those things to yourself first and foremost before every requiring it from someone else. For example, you want a guy who listens to you. The last guy you chose was emotionally unavailable, so instead of listening to yourself and really honoring your true needs, you stepped into an experience that was similar to your father. The rule of thumb is, you cannot ask for something from someone you are not giving to yourself first. You cannot offer anything to anyone that you don’t have. So you may THINK you are loving someone, but if you are not loving, respecting, honoring yourself, first and foremost, ON ALL LEVELS, you are not really offering a clear, clean, love to anyone else. Does this make sense? That’s the journey for ALL of us….having unconditional love, respect, care, compassion, kindness, gentleness, understanding FOR OURSELVES, even in our worst messups, our worst pain, our worst heartache. That’s why breakups are such a gift. It shows us where we are not loving ourselves. Most people want the person back to stop the pain and they call it “love” but it’s NOT a clear love….it’s a wounded love. It’s an escape from pain getting back into a dysfunctional relationship. So the path is about stepping into the network of pain that the breakup triggered and really working with it and learning how to source yourself instead of looking to him or anyone else to make you feel better. It’s tough for sure, but well worth the journey.

I DO WANT TO FIND HAPPINESS NO MATTER WHAT SHOWS UP. It just seems so unimaginable. You ask such wonderful questions! You have a strength about you to be able to ask these kinds of questions. The answer is simple, but far from easy. You clear the baggage. It’s the baggage we are carrying that is full of lies and stories and perspectives that are not very clear. This influences how we create and experience our lives. When you clear the baggage, you clear the lies, the stories and tainted perspectives and replace it all with truth. What’s the truth? You are loveable, you are enough, you are strong, you are beautiful, you are worth loving and fighting for REGARDLESS of what is happening in the outside world. This even means that if you don’t have another child, you KNOW that life can still be filled with incredible joy and pleasure. When any of us are looking to feel to happy, connected, love or meet any of our needs by a source that is on the outside of us, we are allowing out happiness to be linked to that outside source…which in reality, is a very unpredictable path. You could meet the most amazing man in the entire world and fall deeply in love, yet he is in a wheelchair. He can’t touch you or give you babies. Are you going to say no to that experience? Or are you going to choose to nourish that love and get creative with how you can get your physical touch needs met? If you can’t have another child, can you get creative in how you can bring that mothering, nurturing energy into your life in other ways?? The goal is to be able to observe what you need, WHY you need it and get creative in how you can source yourself that comes from WITHIN instead of relying on outside sources for your happiness. I don’t have children. I always thought my life would have a gazillion of them because I love children. It didn’t turn out that way, so a way I source myself is by doing a TON of dog sitting. I have weekly playdates, I take care of dogs when their owners are out of town and I have sooooooo much fun! My pack is my family. I get to feel like a mother on a daily basis by being a guardian to these precious souls. I have to learn their language, I need to make sure they are safe, I need to understand what they need, I connect deeply with them. All these things are the kind of mother I am and I am 100% okay and content with not having any children. And to be honest, at my age now and looking back, I am soooooo much happier that this is how things turned out instead of having children. BUT….I had to clear a lot of baggage in order for me to CHOOSE to live my life from this kind of perspective. I implicitly trust that whatever shows up for me, it’s for my own growth and expansion, so I work on not being attached to any kind of outcome and instead just stay present. Does this make sense?

So let me ask you this…what do you think your life will be like if you do not have any more children?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I highly suspect there are some physiological causes as well. Mental disorders like bipolar are different than mood disorders like anxiety and depression. Depression, at first is all about our feelings from the past and anxiety is fear of the future. With depression, the longer and more intense depression hangs around, it can turn into an actual chemical imbalance, at which time medicine is needed to help. You may be prone to depression considering your lineage, but it doesn’t mean that you are depressed because of it. If there were nothing to be depressed about, you wouldn’t be depressed, regardless of what your grandmother had. Does this make sense? Regardless, clearing the stuff your system is holding onto will undoubtedly have a huge impact on how often you get depressed and the kinds of decisions you make in your life. I understand you are not willing to invest your finances into this part of your life by working with a specialist. And 1 or 2 sessions isn’t going to be that impactful. I always say that if you really want to do some serious cleaning and clear stuff out, plan on at least a year. Since that isn’t something you want to do, you can always start the process by reading books, doing the exercises they put in the books, you can watch videos, you can purchase programs, either live or pre-recorded. There are many other options that are affordable to at least get you started on the path. Just a thought.

I knew better than to go back to work for them as I have seen them treat employees, clients and vendors like shit. I would be angry too. It’s so awful to have a company just start taking money you have worked hard for, without agreement. I hope that somehow you will be able to recover some of it. It’s a very powerless feeling. I’m wondering…how come you chose to work for this company knowing how they treated people?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

so my coping strategy failed me. LOL. Your coping strategy didn’t fail you. I know this has not turned out the way you would have chosen, but I’m a firm believe in “you may get what you wanted, but you got what you needed.” You are exactly where you are supposed to be for your growth, for your expansion, for your faith building and so much more. I know it’s sooooo not fun though.

So my tolerance for pain there is substantially lower than it used to be. I have no doubt of that! You have come through an incredible amount in your life. Your standards are much higher now and you’ve done a good job moving on! I’d like to encourage you to keep going! I take you back to your statement I know I have a high tolerance for pain, pretty much go numb to deal with it. Strong, too strong for my own good. Being that you have been in survival mode for soooo long, maybe it’s time to really look at your pain tolerance level and do some deeper healing work. Yes? No?

What specific baggage and how do you want me to deal with it? I don’t know what is in your baggage, I just know you carry around a lot of hurt. You deal with depression frequently, the words you use to tell your story and when you refer back to the hardships of your life…there is still a lot hurt that comes across. Depression, in and of itself, is enough to know that someone is carrying A LOT of unprocessed hurt, anger etc.

I just told here I knew she did the best she could at the time. I realize she had a very dysfunctional childhood so didn’t have the skills to parent well. Same with my dad. So while it hurt and I know I didn’t deserve to be treated that way, I also know they didn’t have the skills and at least wanted to do what was right. I thought I had done pretty good at dumping my baggage so could use some more specifics. You may believe that, but it doesn’t change the hurt she caused. Regardless of their limitations, they caused a TON of pain in your life that you have never really dealt with. Like you said…you go numb. That’s a coping mechanism, that is not letting go of baggage. Your mind might have forgiven your parents, but the hurt feelings they created still live inside of you. That’s why you are prone to depression more frequently. Does this make sense?

What do I suggest you do? Well…if you want deeper healing from all the hurt you have buried, I would suggest working with a specialist. I have mentioned this before, but it just seems like you have never really been interested in taking that path. Journaling and all the other skillsets to manage emotions is just working with the surface. It doesn’t help you heal from things that happened years ago. It’s more meant to support you. So in the end, it’s up to you what you want to do. When you are in enough pain or tired enough of the depression and want to create a different kind of experience in your life, maybe you will consider doing deeper work. I don’t know. Maybe you feel your life is good enough as it is and that’s okay too! Your life is your design.

I’m not sure if any of this is making sense. It’s so incredibly difficult to talk about this stuff through this platform.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

All this is helpful and somewhat it seems overwhelming and maybe a bit discouraging. Totally get it! I definitely have a tendency to overshare and can cause someone to feel overwhelmed. I’m a speedy kinda of gal when it comes to learning, so sometimes it’s too much for someone. My apologies. I will work better on taking one step at a time with you. It IS a lot of information and can absolutely feel overwhelming.

he basically said that he hardly ever brings anything up unless it is essential. He told me that it was always her bringing up issues, he never would. If I think about it now, I could see how that would prevent us from having a truly deep connection and love. Perfect! That was a great question and you got a wonderful answer! Basically, he told you that he holds things in and if you are going to know him, you are going to have to chase him. He is not really interested in being known, using his voice, or getting his needs met…he is a solo kind of guy and that’s how he handles and lives his life.

If I do ask the right questions, he will eventually open up though I think. Maybe…maybe not. But is that how you want to spend your time? Is this the kind of relationship you want to have in your life? You will be spending all your time trying to just get him to open up – of which I’m sure sometimes it might work, but sometimes it wouldn’t. That’s exhausting! You become his mother. You become the person who is caring about him and his needs and feelings because he won’t do that for himself. That’s like a mother/child relationship. It’s a toxic pattern and ruins intimacy.

I am just still heart broken. I am sure it will take a while to get over it and I am not looking forward to dating someone else again. Of course you are heartbroken. It hurts and it is going to take some time. The good thing about this pain is you are here learning now. You are learning how to be more aware and conscious of your choices. You are developing a new kind of perspective about how to date – because you don’t want to have to go through this again! It’s awful! I know you feel like you don’t want to date again and that’s okay. You are wounded and you need some healing time. You will date again when you feel ready.

I have a list of 5 things. Is that list too superficial? Am I missing the important parts? Like communication and independence, where each of us can give each other space?
1) Character (humility, respect, honesty, etc)
2) Loves outdoor activities/active
3) Likes to Travel
4) Wants more kids and loves my son
5) Loves God and giving back

It’s a great place to start! Don’t worry about what might be “superficial” or not. This is YOUR list and no one knows what works for you more than you. I would more say that these qualities are general. How about writing out how you would like to be treated when things are hard, stressful, challenging. Start with that and share it here and then I’ll give you the next step.

DO you make a list of absolute NO’s also? Everyone seems to have different flaws and at first I think that I can live with that, but over time it gets worse and worse until it doesn’t work. Part of that was my fault for being ok with it and then changing. Yes! That’s what the non-negotiable list is…the absolutes in every areas of your life. Health, money, family, spiritual, emotional etc. Think about yourself first. THink about what YOU do and need on a daily basis that helps you keep your balance. What helps keep you in joy and feeling nourished? What helps you when you are stressed out? It’s about understanding and deeply connecting with and honoring your needs and not negotiating those away. So no…you DO NOT want to do anything for the one you love. When you truly love someone in a healthy way, you DO NOT leave yourself out of the equation. Loving someone else MUST be a loving thing that you are doing for yourself. A question to always hold in your mind: Is it loving, kind and nourishing TO ME, to love this man?

I am in such a better place than I was, but I still feel like I am doing something wrong or missing something important to create a lasting, loving and extraordinary relationship. I am definitely willing to do what it takes. Well done! Very good job! I love and am fully invested in what you would like to create in the kind of love you want to experience. It’s beautiful! The first step is by having that kind of love with yourself. You said you love to love others and it sources you. What do you do that is loving for yourself that DOES NOT involve doing anything for anyone else? Now that you have identified some deep core beliefs, what can you do to source yourself? How can you feel like you belong in your life? How can you help yourself feel like you are enough? I imagine your therapist is working with you on this, yes?

The older I get the more pressure there is though if I want more kids and the less hope I seem to have. I still believed in finding the one for life, but that hope is fading faster now. First, are you okay if you don’t have more kids? Speaking from experience, my life has not turned out AT ALL the way I had imagined. The beauty in that was me learning to find the ultimate happiness and peace regardless of what showed up in my life. My happiness is not based on certain things happening in my life. Do you feel this is something you are willing to work on? Would you be willing to let go of this idea of your future and the pressure you are putting on yourself about children? Are you willing to be okay with whatever happens?
Also…would you be willing to let go of the idea of “the one for life?” The reality is, there are NO guarantees. You could have the love of your life die early, you guys could end up separating for some reason, you guys could just grow apart after 10 years…who knows! There just is no such thing as “the one.” What is more true is “the one for right now.” Is that a reality you would be willing to be open to?

Now I am more scared of commitment and heartache than ever before. This is natural. It doesn’t have to stay this way though. It’s about you working through this, learning and growing and trusting yourself that you can handle anything that shows up in your life…even another heartbreak. You are resilient, yes? You are resourceful, yes? You are willing to dive in do the healing work, yes? Then know that no matter what shows up, YOU WILL BE OKAY and heal! If you end up with another heartbreak, there will be things to learn from that experience. There are many gifts in any painful situation. You make a choice to NEVER let fear make the decisions for you. That means facing the fear each time, working with the stories that source that fear and become stronger from it.

DO I just need to give it time? What should I be working on/learning first? The first thing you should be working on, is yourself. Focus on your healing. Focus on getting to know the fears you carry around love. Focus on the woundedness you carry that cause you to pick the kind of guys that you do. When you focus on yourself, you will reap the greatest benefits.

Hopefully this was not too overwhelming for you. Let’s just keep plugging away at this!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I forgot to add something. I like to coach people in finding their “person” by using their non-negotiable list. There is quite the process to go through in creating this, but the concept is everything on this list truly is non-negotiable. It’s not a “wants” list, it’s a “needs” list. It does change and evolve over time as you shift and change, but it’s a list that says “I will not be okay in a relationship without these components.”

Here are a few things on my list:
1. Romantic
2. High emotional intelligence
3. Animal lover
4. Active
5. High communicator

My list is quite long, but the idea is this: Let’s say I have 20 things on my list. I could meet a guy who has 19 of those qualities, but if he doesn’t have that last quality, it’s a deal breaker. Every element on this list is a deal breaker. You have to get VERY clear about what your deal breakers are and then you date from that list.

At the end of the day, no one is perfect, neither am I, so there will always be things to compromise on and to accept. You have to be able to love and accept those imperfections. Again, the worst in someone has to be something you are willing to work with, accept and deal with. That’s where you compromise. You DO NOT compromise on your non-negotiable list – and on that list needs to be how you are treated when they are at their worst. I will NEVER compromise with a guy who calls me names when he is upset. If he even does that once, I’m out! I will not compromise with a guy who is not curious about himself, his wounds, his behaviors etc. If he is not curious about himself and not interested in traversing his own subconscious, I will absolutely feel VERY alone in the relationship and I will not last. That’s not something I can compromise on. So again…whatever their limitations are, they need to be acceptable for you. You have to be able to love and accept him for who he is and not who you think he could become if they fixed certain things. There will ALWAYS be something to fix. But like this current guy…you will take him back if he changes. The changes he needs to make are BIG changes and they are deal breakers for any relationship if it’s going to be happy and sustainable. So he has A LOT of work to do and it will take quite a while before anything shifts for him. So taking him back would mean you are compromising on your non-negotiable list. Thoughts on this? It’s so incredibly hard to explain everything in this format. I teach a whole class on this over several weeks, so I’m trying to summarize without adding in all the extra layers. Hopefully it’s making sense. Keep asking questions!!!

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