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Gosh that’s a hard one. Such deep betrayal. Has he ever worked with a therapist or coach to process the hurt and betrayal? Something like this could “cripple” his ability to love for the rest of his life. If he never chooses to forgive her and release the hurt it caused, it will always be a SUPER strong wall that inhibits deep connection.
What are some of your thoughts about what I said? What kinds of things do you want to think about? Let’s keep talking about this.
Heidi
How do I balance and align God’s requirements to honor your parents and to not neglect family and still maintain my mental and emotional health Would you say that it’s “honoring” your parents to be a caretaker and miserable? You know that if you get into that environment, you will lose yourself. You will get triggered, you depression will increase, you will become more angry and they will feel ALL of that. Is that honoring your parents? I’d like to invite you to expand your idea of what you think God is asking you to do. You cannot maintain your mental health in that environment. God doesn’t say to sacrifice yourself in the process of “honoring” your parents. You are honoring them MORE by being the best version of yourself possible…which is NOT caretaking them and staying away. They have money, so they can hire a professional who is more equipped to deal with their attitudes and needs. Your parents DO NOT need to spend day after day feeling your anger, judgment, criticism and hurt. Honoring your parents IS honoring yourself and keeping them in the happiest environment possible…which means it’s best you stay away. Thoughts?
One reason I got my divorce was my ex would call me bitch on a regular basis and after a while I felt that’s what I was becoming. Getting that same feeling here. I’m glad you are recognizing this. It has a similar feeling, so now you have an opportunity to respond to it differently vs. becoming a victim to it. You becoming what your ex said you were, means a part of you was investing and believing in his words and perception of you. So now you have the chance to do it differently. How can you make different decisions so that you don’t lose who you truly are?
Heidi
My journaling is writing you. I know. You’ve said that many times. LOL. The thing is, writing in your own journal where no one will read it, means more stuff will come out. You will be much more honest and more of your subconscious will surface because it’s a safe place to write – no one will ever see it. It’s different than writing here.
Don’t know who to deal with that. Don’t know what to do. Gosh. That’s so intense what your sister is choosing to deal with. What is there to do Rhonda? You know you are not going to go back there and “relieve” your sister from her choices. So there is nothing more to do, right? Your guilt is something for you to really face. There is no “duty” here, yet you have a part of you that believes there is. It’s part of your depression tendencies. Remember depression is anger turned inwards. Guilt is a huge contributing factor. It’s something for you to explore if you want to release some of the baggage you carry around.
I’m fed up with Holland and I’m fed up with this job. I get it. There is a lot happening that makes your job increasingly more difficult. Hang in there. Practice forgiveness. Practice acceptance. Your boss gets to do what he wants even though it doesn’t work. Can you let go of doing things the “right” way??? It will make your life a lot more peaceful. Every single job you have had since I’ve known you, has brought you to this point of not being able to stand it anymore. You grab the next job available and it turns out it triggers you again in the same way. I’d like to encourage you to do it differently this time and maybe you will get a different result. You want to take a new job out of the energy of desperation and that can really muck things up. Just a thought. Either way, I’m sorry you are struggling so much.
How was Switzerland??
Heidi
I really feel like you give me more credit than I deserve. How come?
Some days I feel like I’m going backwards and want to reach out to him. It’s not going backwards. It’s part of the journey. You are on a path with all kind of potholes and challenges, but it doesn’t mean you still aren’t walking forward towards your goal. Breakups are incredibly hard and it’s very normal to go through good days and extremely challenging days. Maybe this video can help validate your experiences and shed some light about what you are going through. https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
Here is another analogy that might help you through this. Imagine that I give you all the most amazing and delicious ingredients for a cake and ask you to make it for me. BUT…one of the ingredients is 1 cup of poop. You can do everything you can to make that cake look beautiful, right? There are a TON of delicious ingredients, but that 1 cup of poop is going to ruin the entire thing. If you keep holding onto this, it’s you spending all of your time trying to make this amazing cake eatable, when the reality is, no matter how beautiful it looks, no matter how many wonderful and tasty ingredients there are, that 1 cup of poop changes everything. It touches every part of that cake and there is nothing you can do about that. So it’s time to put down your utensils and walk away, knowing that you are powerless to make that cake taste amazing. It’s just not possible, so you can become empowered by embracing it. You can become empowered by stepping into the acceptance of that and by walking away. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Christine! I responded to your other post, so let’s just ignore this one and keep talking on the other thread. Thanks!
Hi Donna,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story! I love that you were able to unlock a new part of yourself and have a desire to share it with him. I just have a few questions.
During those 2 months, did you guys have sex? Was it always him initiating in this area as well? How did you receive his attempts at romance with you? Are you comfortable flirting with him? Have you always been shut down in this area of your life with other guys you have been with?
I’m curious about what you learned that helped you shift. What happened?
I would say that right now is not about activating his hero instinct. It’s maybe more about you expressing your desires differently. It’s about you activating your sexual energy with him – that doesn’t mean sex…it just means that you express your desires to be with him in various ways through romantic gestures, through flirting, through initiating and expressing what you want. You can do that through how you dress and look, you can do that through how you communicate to him, you can do that through playing some fun “games” of creating curiosity in him and creating a sense of mystery.
He needs to know that this side of you is more active now. With that being said, it still might end up not working out. Maybe there is something within him that is stopping him from moving forward with you. Who knows! There are no guarantees. Either way, learning how to be more open and vulnerable is important for you, no matter how this turns out.
Why not have an honest conversation with him about it? Let him know exactly what you told us here and just be honest with him. How does that feel for you?
Heidi
Hi Christine!
What an interesting story and challenge you are facing. You guys are connecting quite deeply, yet he is not taking the next step into a commitment. He did that in high school and now he is doing it again? How come he is getting divorced?
First, I imagine he needs a lot of time to figure out who he is without being a husband. It sounds like you guys jumped into a friends with benefits kind of situation as he was going through his divorce, yes? I also imagine that he went on a couple of dates because those are NOT intimate and he wants to see and learn about who he is as a single guy. No matter how great you are together, he needs to explore who he is as a single guy again. Most guys would think “I’m single again and can go sleep around, go on all kinds of dates and have some fun.” Divorced men have a tendency to want to explore their newfound freedoms, so I’m not surprised he went on a few dates.
I know you guys have an incredibly intimate relationship, but he just got out of a marriage and it’s pretty normal to NOT want to step back into another relationship right away. He needs a break. Most people need a break. Had you guys connected a few years down the road after he explored his new life for a while, he might have responded differently to you. He obviously feels quite safe and comfortable with you and offers you quite a bit, but it still comes down to him not wanting to step into another relationship.
but I am feeling like he wants me to be there, but not as his girlfriend. Of course! He can have his cake and eat it too. You have created the ideal situation for him. He gets to have sex AND a best friend and not have to do the whole relationship thing. Why would he want anything to change? I know you feel lost, but I think you even being here is your heart knowing what needs to happen and you are not wanting to take those steps because you are invested in him. You feel like you love him and you want to find a way to keep him in your life. The problem is, he is not available for you the way that you are needing and wanting. Whatever his reasons are, they are strong enough to keep a wall up between you guys. Those reasons are not for you to try and shift or change. That’s HIS job. You want a guy that has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with you – and he just isn’t that guy. It sounds like you guys have all the wonderful things that would cause 2 people to want to be together, yet he is still not willing to go there. I am so sorry. I know how good it must feel to connect so deeply with a man and have it reciprocated. It feels amazing to get to love someone so intensely. At the same time, it’s quite harmful to our hearts to invest in someone who isn’t investing in us back in the way we need for our growth and love to expand.
If you had a girlfriend come to you with the same exact situation, what advice would you give her?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story with us!
Wow. You guys have had quite the rollercoaster ride in a very short period of time. I know how good that must feel for both of you.
I want to encourage you to slow waaaaay down. You barely know this guy and you already want him in your life forever. You guys are NOT just friends and it’s quite the illusion to think you can be. Would you REALLY fly 1000 miles to spend a month with a friend you just met? You are going out there to reconnect and light the fire again and feel what you felt before. So it’s important that you are honest with yourself, so you can work more from the space of truth. I cannot speak for him, so all we have to really work with is your side of things.
I know you want this to last with him, so let’s set you up for success. First, it’s important to understand that when choosing a lifelong partner or falling in love with someone, you choose that person according to their worst side, not their best side. Meaning, how does he treat you when he is angry? How does he treat you when he is super stressed? How does he take care of himself when under stress? Does he under-function or over-function? How is he with communicating his struggles? Does he involve you or does he disconnect? What do he do when fear shows up? Does he run or does he face it? How you both handle the challenges and the hard part of life is what will determine the success of this relationship. So as you move forward with him, you really want to pay attention to this side of him and HOW you guys work through the sticky points. Slow down your “forever” thought process and DO NOT ignore the red flags. That is setting yourself up for major heartbreak down the road and I know that’s not what either of you want. Also hold yourself accountable. If you are not respectful towards him, even when he makes you angry or he hurts you, then YOU have something to learn about yourself and work on.
The goal is to NOT let those wonderful honeymoon chemicals take over the process. They are going to be there of course, but you also want to make sure you stay grounded in reality and you keep watching with discernment what you are actually inviting into your life.
Here are 2 videos about what to look for as you get to know him better: https://youtu.be/gh5VhaicC6g and https://youtu.be/-uazFBCDvVw
His ex also tried to come back into his life playing games and so she has ahold over him. But she played him again in the matter of a few days. RED FLAG!!!!! There is still something happening between them, even if it’s more chaotic than anything else. He is not 100% available for you and he is telling you that. Yet, you are planning on going out there for an entire month as “friends.” He is NOT ready and he knows it. Why not give him some space and visit later on down the road? Let him figure out his life WITHOUT YOU. You will only be a distraction from those intense feelings he is having to deal with concerning his ex.Once you leave, he will have to face those feelings and it will be that much more difficult having just spent a month with you – which means it will take A LOT longer for him to work through the ex scenario. You guys can stay connected and keep talking. Keep getting to know him and take it slow. Then down the road, plan another trip and go visit him when he is more clear and stable. This boy is so special and I don’t want to loose him!I’m sure he is special AND you don’t actually have him. He is NOT available in the way that you want him to be right now. It’s important for you to REALLY listen to him. If he is so special, then there is no rush. If you guys are really meant to be in a relationship long term, then there is no rush. Take it slow and easy. The pace you guys are going, the odds of crashing and burning are VERY high. The faster you start, the faster you fall. The ride is intense and feels so good, but the end does not. Slow things down more and really get to know each other and become great friends for a while over distance. Establish trust and safety and become a part of his life in a deeper way vs. going there for a month during a time that he REALLY needs some space to figure things out.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I’m hoping you choose to protect your heart a little more by being more discerning and getting to know this guy better before jumping off this cliff you are heading towards. Thoughts?
Heidi
I can tell you are really struggling. I know it’s hard there. There is so much to deal with with the place you live and your job. I know it hasn’t turned out at all how you were hoping. It’s quite the disappointment.
Are you journaling? Tapping? What are you doing to encourage yourself and source your spirit? I know nature is extremely limited there, so you will have to rely on other things more. You need to be dowsing yourself with things that bring you back on track and connect you to who you are. You really have to fight for that. Losing yourself is something you can prevent. Thoughts?
Heidi
Thanks for the update. Vent away. There is a lot happening for you so this is a safe place for you to just express all of your frustrations. It all sounds extremely difficult and it doesn’t sound like the actual job is your dream job, like you thought. I hope Dynamysk responds soon! These other 2 possible jobs, do you know anything about the companies themselves?
Wow! International train travel. That IS scary. That’s quite the trip. Somehow though, you have always found your way back home and somehow the right kind of people show up to help you. I have no doubt that no matter where you go, someone will be able to help you along your path. I’m curious to hear how it goes!!!
Wow! You seriously are amazing! You are so much further ahead than most people and because of that, regardless of the pain and struggle you will face down the road, you will be able to handle it with grace and help it empower you vs. becoming victim to it. It’s a road less traveled for sure. Not many take it, because it’s incredibly difficult to own your own **it and not dump it on everyone else…which is the normal thing for people to do. You will reap MANY great rewards choosing to approach your life this way!
Yes…much easier said than done, but it’s no different than going to the gym. It’s hard at first, but you KNOW that being uncomfortable is part of the process. You KNOW it’s good for you. You KNOW that you will become stronger for it…and trust me…you kind of get used to the discomfort. These days, after YEARS of digging myself out of holes and facing my limitations and hurts, I know that despite the pain that shows up, I OWN IT because I know how now. I’m not afraid of it. I just go “Okay Heidi. Something has shown up, so put your head down and go to work. You know what you are capable of.”
It’s not about “realizing” that letting go is good for you. You already know this. It’s about making a very clear and conscious choice “I am going to love myself more than this connection. Loving him is NOT loving myself, so now…it’s MY turn. It MY turn to listen to my needs. It’s MY turn to honor myself. It’s MY turn to connect to put all the love I have and focus on me.” This connection you have with him is beautiful AND toxic. That’s not enough anymore. It’s possible and essential that your love creates a beautiful connection ONLY. NO TOXICITY!!! Even in your worst moments together, there needs to be respect and a way that you are building each other up. Fight for that. You deserve nothing less than that kind of love. BUT…you have to be able to offer that kind of love as well and that means strengthening your own self love first and foremost. Clear the baggage, release old wounds, forgive whatever is blocking you from tapping into the fullness that you are. You have greatness within you. DO NOT let this connection stop you from accessing that.
Heidi
Hi Kathy!
I get it. You’re obsessing and those kind of feelings and thoughts are so incredibly powerful. You can go back if you want to. No one is stopping you. Only you know when you are done. The same patterns will just show up again, yes. The reality is, you just may not have felt enough pain to truly let go, so if you go another round, maybe it will be even more painful that you will remember it, regardless of how nice he is being. Either way, it’s your choice. Step back in, but know what you are facing and maybe shift how you respond to it. Maybe it will go better. Maybe it won’t. It’s painful if you stay away and it will be painful if you step back in. So which pain you are willing to feel and deal with, is up to you.
You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You CAN do this, if you really want to. What did you think of the videos I sent you? You have to help yourself on a DAILY basis through this. What are you doing every single day to help you handle this loss? What are you doing for pleasure?
Lastly, you said you blocked out your childhood and you don’t know the trauma and that there is no way to find out. How come? There are all kinds of techniques to reveal blocked memories. Your system has to be ready to receive the information though. Sometimes, the memories stay blocked because it’s so disturbing, so your mind is “protecting” you in a sense. You just need the right kind of person who knows how to handle repressed memories and knows how to set you up for success.
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more Melissa. I can definitely feel your struggle. It sounds like you both have some deep wounds and limitations that are really hindering your connection. You are incredibly strong to be so honest about your situation. Although you may feel like you have a lot of low self-esteem, you are quite strong.
Thank you for sharing more! I love you honesty. You have more strength than you give yourself credit for. You have the strength to look at your situation from a place of owning your limitations. Do you know how rare that is??? Most people want like to pain a picture far from reality, so they can keep holding on, but you are willing to just say what it is and admit to your fears. Well done!
He said he was disappointed in me when he was in his depression hole Sunday through tuesday because he doesn’t think I’ve made enough effort to figure him out – This statement is quite concerning. It’s a “misery loves company” kind of mindset. He is wanting you (and this other girl) to do for him what he is not willing to do for himself. It is not your job to figure anything out for him. Do you feel it is? How did it make you feel when he said this? No wonder why he has this new friend. He is going to feel more seen and validated because she has similar challenges. She will be more present with him. When he is sad she will be sad with him…which is what I’m guessing he really wants. It’s an extremely limiting mindset and will always prevent deep, nourishing intimacy. The thing is, he gets to be this way and design a relationship this way. Is this what you want to participate in?
I would not focus on this new girl. She is just a symptom of some deep challenges you both carry in this relationship. She is just a reflection, not the source. It’s important that you see this for what it really is….him seeking someone to more deeply understand him in a way that sources his continued relationship with depression. Does he ever get help? Does he ever read anything about depression? Does he know where it’s coming from? What has he tried to help himself? Depression is anger turned inward. Does he ever face his anger or fears? Someone who does all the above is someone interested in empowering themselves. If he doesn’t do any of these things and instead starts a new friendship with another girl…he is more interested in someone keeping him company and doing the work for him. Does this make sense?
What are your thoughts on this?
From what you have said so far, it sounds like you guys are together more out of a fear of being alone than anything else. Of course you are bonded and of course there are some great things between you guys, but like I said before…it’s not about the good stuff – it’s about how you work together with the hard stuff. If you stay you will just be dealing with these patterns forever unless you BOTH get help together. That’s your only chance, but of course there are no guarantees. If you leave, you will also have a lot to work through. So either way Melissa, it’s going to hurt. If you stay, the hurt is indefinite. If you leave, you at least have an ending and will be able to spend a lot of time focusing on just yourself.
Therapy is a great resource! It’s time for you to fight for more in your life but you have to start with you. Develop your self love, discover your value and release a lot of the old baggage that is keeping you stuck.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
I am soooooo so sorry! I know how awful it is to watch your love slip through your fingers and not be able to do anything about it. We would love to help you get more clarity, but we need more details.
Did he say why he was breaking up?
How long have you been together?
You said he was mean about it? How come? Is this normal for him?I understand that he promised a life together, but there really are never any guarantees of something like that. Our divorce rate is over 50% despite the promise “til death do us par.” That’s because people change. That’s because people don’t pick the best partner to begin with. That’s because most of the red flags that tell them it’s a relationship that will eventually fall apart, are ignored. It’s all okay though. Love is a journey and there are ALWAYS many lessons to learn about ourselves as we navigate the adventures and mis-adventures of love. What IS true, is that when he promised those things to you, they were good for that moment and every other moment he expressed that. As life happens, as people change, those promises change with them and that’s why love is a risk.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for sharing all of this! It’s obviously a lot and I can feel your struggle.
thoughts? advice? just leave him? I don’t think your situation is that simple. You guys have been together for 6 years, with 2 of them being great and 4 of them being really challenging. You cheated and chose to stay with him, so your relationship started on some pretty rocky ground. It sounds like there are A LOT of dynamics happening between you guys. Let’s talk about that a bit more.
You guys have had some pretty toxic moments. What makes you guys stay together? It doesn’t sound like fundamentally, you both really respect each other or feel respected. Would you say that is true? He also functions quite differently than you do when it comes to problem solving. It sounds like he just doesn’t want to talk about things. That makes it pretty difficult to improve on anything and work together on things when he isn’t willing to be open, honest, and vulnerable. The reality is, it’s who we are in our worst moments, that will make or break a relationship. That’s one primary thing I am always coaching people on. You choose someone according to their worst side, not their best side. Who are they when they are stressed? How do they treat you? How do they treat themselves? Are they respectful or harmful? Obviously, you ask these same questions yourself. You never ask or require something from your partner that you are not able to offer them. It sounds like it’s possible that you guys, in your worst, don’t work very well together and as you are experiencing, it leaks out in all different ways. Thoughts on this?
I knew I was living in some sort of alternate reality that was not sustainable This is interesting. Why would you think this? Do you think it’s not possible to be that happy and sustain that? Or did you know instinctively that you guys as a couple don’t have the skills to maintain that happiness? I’m wondering if you have this belief in general about love and relationship. Maybe you are not sure it’s possible to actually have a peaceful, nourishing and vibrant love.
There is a lot to unpack here, so let’s keep talking through all the layers. It’s a great way to really learn about yourself!
Heidi
