Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Thanks for the update Melissa. There really is a lot going on.
I wondering how YOU feel. That is not so clear. You say that you guys are not really kissing and being intimate. How come? What is stopping you from initiating? It seems you have A LOT of feelings that you are just holding in and it seems it’s out of respect for him and what you are GUESSING he needs. It seems there is an “elephant in the room” that neither of you are discussing. What do you think will happen if you actually identify that? My guess is, you might be afraid of breaking up and you are avoiding that? Maybe you know that is what needs to happen? I don’t know, but what I do know is the lack of communication and authenticity is not going to fix things. Giving him more time and space and you taking more time and space only delays the inevitable of what needs to happen….an open and honest conversation and a commitment to either stay together and shift your patterns (and create an action plan on how you both are going to do that) or you guys decide it’s best to part ways.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Roxanne,
I just wanted to check in. How are you doing? Any thoughts about what I shared? Any new developments?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I just wanted to check in. I hoping to keep talking about this. There are a lot of layers you have to deal with. Any new developments? Any new thoughts? Any progress in one direction or another?
Heidi
Hi Kathy,
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Any new developments? Any thoughts? Have you still decided to stay away or have you stepped back in for another experience with him?
Heidi
Hi Nicole,
Just checking in. How are you doing? Any new developments? Any thoughts about what I shared?
Heidi
That is a different perspective of honoring my parents. That is the thing about the bible, right? I remember being in college taking my religious studies course. It was a Christian school but non-denominational. My professor really exposed how the bible has been interpreted in MANY different ways by the top scholars etc. and how there is a massive amount of disagreement about what the words mean. If Christianity has over 30,000 different versions/practices, then the bible can be viewed a ton of different ways as well. So I would like to invite you to NOT operate out of fear, self-judgment, shame or obligation of what YOU think it means to be a “good” daughter and what YOU think it means to be “honoring” to your parents. Operate from your heart and guidance and what opens you up to be the best version of yourself.
I am soooo so sorry about what you have to deal with on a daily basis with your boss. He sounds awful. He is the kind of guy you just have to do exactly what you are doing…stay quiet and just do what he says. This is such a disappointment how this job has turned out. I’m so sorry Rhonda. I hope something wonderful is coming your way!
Wow! What an incredibly beautiful name you got to give him. Wow!!! It’s quite a powerful thing you got to do in naming him. I hope he likes it and really becomes all of those qualities. He is so lucky to have you!!!
Oh!!! and I’m glad you finally discovered what was causing your stomach upset. Yikes! Nuts eh? It’s hard when there are so few things you can eat and enjoy.
Heidi
You being honest and vulnerable is about YOU finally choosing to connect differently. You could end up completely being rejected or you could inspire him to want to risk with you again. There is no guarantee of the outcome, so there is a choice here. This is all part of you learning that it’s okay for you to be vulnerable and that you will be okay, no matter the response you get. It’s a risk, but so is love. You claim that you have changed and shifted, but it only sounds like you are willing to be vulnerable and honest about your feelings as long as you know he will respond the way you want him to. That’s just not how it works and it never will. Being vulnerable is about YOU be authentic. Sometimes you will be embraced and sometimes you will be rejected. You have to decide that being authentic is more important for you than hiding and letting fear control your choices.
Besides, wouldn’t you say that stepping into this fear is the biggest proof that you have shifted? Since he experienced you not being very romantic or passionate and not initiating, what better way to prove that you are working on that part of yourself, than to SHOW him you are doing something very uncomfortable and different.
You can even start the conversation by saying “I have something to share with you and I’m terrified of being rejected. I decided though, I want to be more authentic as a person, even if that means I do get rejected. You helped me really look at myself and I’d like to become more of who I am, instead of hiding away my feelings all the time. So here it goes….”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Gosh that’s a hard one. Such deep betrayal. Has he ever worked with a therapist or coach to process the hurt and betrayal? Something like this could “cripple” his ability to love for the rest of his life. If he never chooses to forgive her and release the hurt it caused, it will always be a SUPER strong wall that inhibits deep connection.
What are some of your thoughts about what I said? What kinds of things do you want to think about? Let’s keep talking about this.
Heidi
How do I balance and align God’s requirements to honor your parents and to not neglect family and still maintain my mental and emotional health Would you say that it’s “honoring” your parents to be a caretaker and miserable? You know that if you get into that environment, you will lose yourself. You will get triggered, you depression will increase, you will become more angry and they will feel ALL of that. Is that honoring your parents? I’d like to invite you to expand your idea of what you think God is asking you to do. You cannot maintain your mental health in that environment. God doesn’t say to sacrifice yourself in the process of “honoring” your parents. You are honoring them MORE by being the best version of yourself possible…which is NOT caretaking them and staying away. They have money, so they can hire a professional who is more equipped to deal with their attitudes and needs. Your parents DO NOT need to spend day after day feeling your anger, judgment, criticism and hurt. Honoring your parents IS honoring yourself and keeping them in the happiest environment possible…which means it’s best you stay away. Thoughts?
One reason I got my divorce was my ex would call me bitch on a regular basis and after a while I felt that’s what I was becoming. Getting that same feeling here. I’m glad you are recognizing this. It has a similar feeling, so now you have an opportunity to respond to it differently vs. becoming a victim to it. You becoming what your ex said you were, means a part of you was investing and believing in his words and perception of you. So now you have the chance to do it differently. How can you make different decisions so that you don’t lose who you truly are?
Heidi
My journaling is writing you. I know. You’ve said that many times. LOL. The thing is, writing in your own journal where no one will read it, means more stuff will come out. You will be much more honest and more of your subconscious will surface because it’s a safe place to write – no one will ever see it. It’s different than writing here.
Don’t know who to deal with that. Don’t know what to do. Gosh. That’s so intense what your sister is choosing to deal with. What is there to do Rhonda? You know you are not going to go back there and “relieve” your sister from her choices. So there is nothing more to do, right? Your guilt is something for you to really face. There is no “duty” here, yet you have a part of you that believes there is. It’s part of your depression tendencies. Remember depression is anger turned inwards. Guilt is a huge contributing factor. It’s something for you to explore if you want to release some of the baggage you carry around.
I’m fed up with Holland and I’m fed up with this job. I get it. There is a lot happening that makes your job increasingly more difficult. Hang in there. Practice forgiveness. Practice acceptance. Your boss gets to do what he wants even though it doesn’t work. Can you let go of doing things the “right” way??? It will make your life a lot more peaceful. Every single job you have had since I’ve known you, has brought you to this point of not being able to stand it anymore. You grab the next job available and it turns out it triggers you again in the same way. I’d like to encourage you to do it differently this time and maybe you will get a different result. You want to take a new job out of the energy of desperation and that can really muck things up. Just a thought. Either way, I’m sorry you are struggling so much.
How was Switzerland??
Heidi
I really feel like you give me more credit than I deserve. How come?
Some days I feel like I’m going backwards and want to reach out to him. It’s not going backwards. It’s part of the journey. You are on a path with all kind of potholes and challenges, but it doesn’t mean you still aren’t walking forward towards your goal. Breakups are incredibly hard and it’s very normal to go through good days and extremely challenging days. Maybe this video can help validate your experiences and shed some light about what you are going through. https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
Here is another analogy that might help you through this. Imagine that I give you all the most amazing and delicious ingredients for a cake and ask you to make it for me. BUT…one of the ingredients is 1 cup of poop. You can do everything you can to make that cake look beautiful, right? There are a TON of delicious ingredients, but that 1 cup of poop is going to ruin the entire thing. If you keep holding onto this, it’s you spending all of your time trying to make this amazing cake eatable, when the reality is, no matter how beautiful it looks, no matter how many wonderful and tasty ingredients there are, that 1 cup of poop changes everything. It touches every part of that cake and there is nothing you can do about that. So it’s time to put down your utensils and walk away, knowing that you are powerless to make that cake taste amazing. It’s just not possible, so you can become empowered by embracing it. You can become empowered by stepping into the acceptance of that and by walking away. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Christine! I responded to your other post, so let’s just ignore this one and keep talking on the other thread. Thanks!
Hi Donna,
Thank you for being here and sharing your story! I love that you were able to unlock a new part of yourself and have a desire to share it with him. I just have a few questions.
During those 2 months, did you guys have sex? Was it always him initiating in this area as well? How did you receive his attempts at romance with you? Are you comfortable flirting with him? Have you always been shut down in this area of your life with other guys you have been with?
I’m curious about what you learned that helped you shift. What happened?
I would say that right now is not about activating his hero instinct. It’s maybe more about you expressing your desires differently. It’s about you activating your sexual energy with him – that doesn’t mean sex…it just means that you express your desires to be with him in various ways through romantic gestures, through flirting, through initiating and expressing what you want. You can do that through how you dress and look, you can do that through how you communicate to him, you can do that through playing some fun “games” of creating curiosity in him and creating a sense of mystery.
He needs to know that this side of you is more active now. With that being said, it still might end up not working out. Maybe there is something within him that is stopping him from moving forward with you. Who knows! There are no guarantees. Either way, learning how to be more open and vulnerable is important for you, no matter how this turns out.
Why not have an honest conversation with him about it? Let him know exactly what you told us here and just be honest with him. How does that feel for you?
Heidi
