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Hi Veronica,
What are you confused about? It sounds like he is pretty clear. He wants to have sex but not a relationship. You know…a friends with benefits kind of thing. What is confusing about that?
What do YOU want?
Heidi
Hi Veronica,
What are you confused about? It sounds like he is pretty clear. He wants to have sex but not a relationship. You know…a friends with benefits kind of thing. What is confusing about that?
What do YOU want?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more! It’s helpful to understand more of the details.
First, as amazing as this guy might be, it also doesn’t sound like he is much of a team player. It sounds like he doesn’t truly nor deeply invest in you and your kids. He invests in himself though. It sounds like he is really good at making sure his needs are taken care of…but that’s where it ends up stopping.
I’d like you to really take some time and think about this. This part of him is who he is. He is going to continue spending money on his cars, he will probably continue only getting enough for 1 meal and he also doesn’t seem to be very forgiving. So you were nagging him. Not the most effective way to go about things, BUT it’s also on him that he wasn’t paying attention, right? If you really felt like he was listening to you and investing in you and your kids and you guys as a couple, would you need to nag him? Your nagging is a symptom of you not feeling like your needs are met. If you do get back together, are you expecting that to change?? You might be so happy that you got him back, but eventually you are going to start to feel the same exact way. He isn’t taking responsibility for any of this. He thinks YOU should change and you are going along with it. Of course there are things for you to work on, but for him to put the full responsibility on YOU to fix what’s wrong and not paying attention to how he is contributing…well that is just another sign of him not being much of a partner.
Are you sure you want to step back into a situation where the guy doesn’t deeply and truly invest in you and your kids?
heidi
Hi Nova,
I am sooooo sorry you are going through this. It’s heartbreaking!!!
What happened?? Do you know why he went back to his ex? Is he still seeing her?
Tell us about your relationship. What was it like? Did he seem unhappy at all? Do you know what his complaints about the relationship would be? What are your complaints about the relationship?
We can offer much better guidance if you share more details. It’s more than just getting him back, it’s about understanding what was happening for him that he chose to go back to his ex.
Heidi
Hi Heather,
That’s strange. The link worked well for me.
What’s going on for you? What are you looking for from the article? Are you needing to solve some challenges in your relationship? We’d love to offer some ideas if you are willing to share.
Heidi
Hi Emma,
Thank you for sharing a little more detail. It sounds like he is really separating himself from this marriage. Has he ever done this before? Do you know and understand what his struggles are and why he is disconnecting to this level? I think you are correct in assuming he is having an afair and someone (probably in Bangkok) has captured his attention.
Let me ask you this…I know you want to try and save your marriage. It’s been 26 years! Would you say that you are happy? Why do you want to fight for him? I’m not looking for “because I love him.” That is evident. I’m looking for reasons beyond that. Do you like being married to him (other than this incident). Do you feel emotionally safe with him? Did you guys used to laugh and play together? Was there romance? I have a feeling that your marriage/connection started to die much sooner than what is happening right now. Right now, it seems some serious damage is being done by his choices and it may not be repairable. The way he is acting, it seems like he has made his choice already, but isn’t able to completely bring himself to give up on his partnership with you.
The thing is, right now, you don’t have much of a partner to work through anything with. Whatever he is going through right now, he is not allowing you to be part of it, so you are all alone here. After 26 years, for him to stonewall you like this is pretty awful and there is not much you can do about it. What he doesn’t realize is that the damage he is doing now could really cost him much more than he thinks.
I think it’s important for you to start to get really clear about the kind of man you want to continue spending time with. You can fight for him like crazy and wait around for him to maybe decide to be your partner again, but that means you would have to completely disregard all that you are feeling and accept that things are going to happen HIS way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
anything you can learn about him, the better. When you are dealing with someone like that, learning the nuances can make all the difference in the world.
I’m sooooo glad your phone was still there! A missing phone is the very last thing you need! I’m really excited to hear about your trip. Hopefully it’s very nourishing and restorative!
Heidi
Hello AD,
We all have had those kinds of moments. First, it’s important to forgive yourself. You’ve been through a lot. It’s incredibly difficult to go through what you just went through. Is that something you are willing to do, even if he isn’t able to forgive you?
How long have you guys been dating? Is there any connection at all? Are you guys talking or texting about anything or is it complete silence? Has he talked to you at all about how he feels and why he is not willing to move forward? Does he understand that fear that you are dealing with about him leaving? Are there any other issues that were happening in the relationship? It seems like a bit of an extreme reaction he is having for just one incident. I’m wondering if it just was the thing that tipped him over the edge.
Share as much detail as you are able, as it will help us guide you better.
Heidi
So you agree with him…you are too nice. That is typically quite unattractive to many men and I want to encourage you to focus on learning about that pattern in yourself. The thing is…after the 30 days, if nothing has really changed within you, it’s not going to shift the situation very much. He isn’t going to want to step back into the same patterns again.
Let’s talk more about your boundaries. What boundaries do you think are good? How are you too nice? There is nothing wrong with doing a lot of things to make him happy. My guess is, it’s more about the energy or mindset you have as you do things for him. There is a BIG difference between doing something for him because it makes you happy and you want to bring pleasure in his life vs. making him happy because you feel like you are supposed to or you feel like you being nice to him will help keep his attention or you are afraid of losing him. Guys can feel the difference between all of those things. There is also a point where it becomes over-giving as well – which has a very insecure energetic tone to it. Do you think that is what he might have been picking up on?
When a guy feels like you are too nice or overgiving, the typical reaction is they feel less respect for you. He needs to know that YOU know that you are okay without him and you are solid and capable of moving on from him. That is an energy of strength that exudes in everything you do and your guy can feel that. So looking back, are you able to see where you could have done things a bit differently? What can you do to support yourself in becoming more balanced in your giving with him?
Heidi
Good job for watching and observing him with others! It’s one of the best ways to understand what is happening and to also see that it’s not about you…it’s about him. I know you know that in your mind, but watching him treat others with a similar tone etc. is helpful to see and validate what you already know.
I sure hope something opens up for you.
Yay! I’m excited for you and Sicily. That’s spectacular!!!!
Heidi
Definitely sounds like someone you are not safe with. It sounds like whatever mood he is in that day, you are just going to have to deal with it. Borderline types will make you feel like their best friend one day and then the worst person on the face of the earth the next day. They are incredibly unpredictable and unstable. I don’t know what is going on with him, but like any other personality disorder type, it’s all about managing the interaction and praying a lot for them and for you. Whatever it is that he is dealing with, it can’t be easy. You can be a light for him. You have such goodness and love to spread, so never underestimate your power and influence in his life.
I’m hoping you have a wonderful trip on Saturday. You are incredibly brave to go explore the way you are.
Heidi
Hi Emma,
Thank you for being here and sharing your struggles. I am so so sorry for what you are going through. He sounds really confused. Of course you feel betrayed and lost. You have no clue what is happening and you are quite powerless as he tries to figure out what the heck he wants. That’s incredibly difficult.
I have some questions. How did you guys end up in a couple’s therapy session? Who brought it up? What are the challenges that inspired you guys to do something like that? Did you only do 1 session? I guess I’m not very clear on where you guys stand. It sounds like he is just confused and you guys don’t really have a direction, a plan, help or purpose. Were his trips for business? I’m guessing you feel like he might be cheating over there, yes?
Any clarity you can provide will be helpful. It’s hard to know how to guide you when I’m not really clear what the challenges are. I understand a little about his challenge, but I’m not sure about the dynamics between you guys and anything that has lead up to these challenges.
Heidi
Hi Tara,
Welcome! I just have a question.
He indicated that he didn’t feel like he had to earn you. That typically translates to “you are too nice.” Have you heard that about yourself before? Are you able to understand what he is saying and why? I’m wondering if you have co-dependent tendencies…meaning, you pretty much do everything you can to make him happy. Is this how you functioned?
For now, I would suggest continuing the 30-day no contact. He needs to feel like you have a spine. He needs to feel like he can push against you and that you can push back. It sounds like he needs a woman who is more strong in herself. Do you feel you have a strong internal connection with yourself? Do you feel like you have really good boundaries and you are solid on your standards as to how you are treated?
Heidi
Hi Karolina,
Thank you for sharing your story and your what’s happening for you. Wow! You guys have been through a lot! Are you figuring out how to heal now that you have the correct diagnosis?
I can deeply feel what you are saying. I am the same exact way. Deep, spiritual, intellectual….what I call a seeker. It’s in our blood to explore the depths of ourselves and life. It keeps us engaged and entertained. You are not going to like what I have to say 🙁
From my many years of experience, I have concluded that either someone is a seeker or they aren’t. Of course, there are many variations and levels, but for people like us, where it’s the source of our well-being, we can’t not explore the depths and we can’t not have deep relationships. MANY MANY times I have tried having BF who would “plug” into my seeker energy and they were able to somewhat meet me on the path of exploration, but 100% of the time, once it ended, they stopped. The one thing all my boyfriends have said about me is that they have never been known so well by someone – they loved it and craved it – and at the same time struggled with it because of some of the things they discovered about themselves. Regardless, it was always a lonely path for me, because I could know them, but they could never really know me. They just didn’t know how.
Here is the bottom line truth. It’s not in him to be a seeker and it probably never will be. He just wasn’t made that way. He may explore a little bit, but being a seeker is something you are born with…it’s a trait, an instinctual/natural desire – not something that you learn how to become. I know the connection you feel with him is incredibly strong AND it’s not enough anymore. It sounds like it was enough for a while, but a seeker will die in a relationship where they are not fed in the depths of their soul. I have seen it many times…the woman is an explorer and the husband is not – he listens to her and enjoys the conversations, but doesn’t have much to contribute. I have asked all of those women over the years how they do it – they all say the same thing…they get those deep needs met from their friends. I get it AND it’s something I would never choose for myself nor wish on anyone else. In my mind, your partner is your best friend and how can he be your best friend is the most important part of who you are is not really discussed or nourished by him? I couldn’t live like that and every one of those marriages, I have observed there is a stale kind of energy to it. But women, being the relationship caretakers we are, tend to choose the connection over themselves and they settle. I think most women believe it’s not really possible to find a seeker in male form. LOL. They are out there, believe me. No, they aren’t common, but they do exist.
My point being, is that your guy is who he is and your choice is to either accept that he is not going to be that kind of guy/person in your life or you leave.
I know this is not what you wanted to hear. I understand your desire and passion to want to make this work. The problem is not with him. It’s with your need for him to be different. That void is not going to go away unless you shift that need. He deserves to be loved and accepted for EXACTLY who he is. That means you will spend a lifetime trying to inspire him to grow, learn and explore himself and you. You will ALWAYS be deeper than him. You were made that way and he wasn’t. That means you guys approach life very differently in certain areas, so those differences are always going to be there. It’s much easier for him than you, of course. You end up feeling lonely, where he gets to feel his needs are met.
If you want deeper understanding, I would suggest studying the enneagram and also consider doing a human design reading. Do you know about these modalities?
Thoughts?
Heidi
I’m glad you are really reconciling that you cannot win with this guy. Looking back, do you think you saw these qualities about him in the beginning when he was recruiting you? Yes, keep things positive but not too much or he will dislike that. I know that sounds funny, but there is a fine line to walk. He will think you are brown nosing him and he won’t respect that. Just say yes to everything he does and know that the job description you thought you had doesn’t exist. You are just going to do whatever he tells you…like a personal assistant. That means your job has no limits. He might be a personality disorder…either narcissist or borderline. Again…what matters is that you learn to manage him and not have any expectations beyond that.
I know you are missing home and it’s hard to watch everyone having outings that you wish you were on.
Are you staying connected with everyone? Do you still keep conversations going? I hope so. It will make it that much better once you get back home.Heidi
