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Hi Laura,
I understand that you feel lost and confused. The thing is, there really is nothing to be confused about. You know that you are powerless right now and you are trying to avoid that reality by trying to find some kind of answer to “fix” this situation. The truth is, there is only confusion because you are not willing to look at what is. You are not willing to look at any other option than to be with him. Disconnecting is not an option for you. You are willing to continue to be ignored and disregarded for as long as it takes. And it’s so darn painful because it’s a daily rejection and he isn’t creating any kind of closure. The relationship is pretty much in HIS hands and you are choosing to be a victim to it and you are choosing to stay dis-empowered. Your confusion is about how to stop feeling that way and you believe that if you could just get him to talk to you again, you will fell better. But all that will really happen, is you will continue to stay small. Now that he has disconnected for so long, you will always remember how horrible this feels, so you are going to end up being even more careful with your words. You are going to keep even more of your thoughts and feelings inside and you are going to continue to cater to all of HIS needs while rejecting your own. He isn’t going to change. This pattern will only continue to get worse and you will keep playing into it because you are so afraid to lose him.
Dating is hard for everybody, however it doesn’t mean that ALL guys are difficult to date. I don’t know where you are finding these guys that don’t treat you well, but I will tell you there are plenty of guys who are still gentleman out there. I’m glad you got to have the experience of your guy treating you that way, but it’s not and unusual quality. I know he is a “first” for you in many ways and many women tend to invest their entire beings into a guy because he was the “first one to say things like this” or “He was the first guy who really treated me well.” It always makes me so sad to hear women invest so intensely in a toxic and harmful relationship because that guy gave them a new experience…that actually should be a standard. If every guy you dated opened your doors, gave you a jacket and behaved like a gentleman, you probably wouldn’t think your current guy is so great. But because you have been starving for so long to be treated well and he came along and gave you a partial experience of that, he gets to be a major hero in your life. It’s like you have been walking in a desert without water for days and days and a man comes up to you and offers you water. You don’t even hesitate and drink the entire thing without actually looking that the water is muddy and full of toxic chemicals that are going to make you sick. You get sick from the water but keep asking him for more and more water and you will do anything for that water, even though it’s actually hurting you. You don’t trust that there is any other water out there to drink, when if you just walk a little further, you might find another person who is able to offer you clean water that can actually add to your body vs. hurt your body.
But like I have said, this is your design and you are not hurting enough to make any changes. You want to keep your focus on HIM and figure out ways to fix him, but the discomfort and suffering you feel lives with YOU. The issue lies with you, not him. The issue exists in your heart and mind that you have chosen to latch onto an emotionally unavailable guy who is extremely young and fragile emotionally and that guarantees a very difficult and rejecting experience. That is YOUR choice and you are not willing to look at what is driving that choice within YOU. That is YOUR mind and heart holding on for dear life to a guy that is harming you. So if you really want something to change and you want to find your power, you need to go within yourself and look at what is driving this choice, because it isn’t love of him. It’s a lack of love for yourself. You cannot offer something to someone else that you do not carry within. If you don’t love yourself, it’s a wounded love that you offer. It isn’t loving or kind to yourself, to love a guy who rejects you all the time and won’t let you into his world. It isn’t loving to yourself to love a guy who is so fragile and unavailable to you. It isn’t loving to yourself to do all of this research and spend all of this money trying to fix HIM all while ignoring what YOUR needs are. He sure isn’t going to take care of you and you aren’t taking care of you, so where is the love for you? You can keep searching and searching for another answer to try and relieve the pain you feel by fixing him, but you will end up right back where you are right now. Alone, crying and hurting. He cannot care for you, not because of you, but because he doesn’t care for himself.
If you really want to learn, then research things on self love, self destructive patterning, recognizing your beliefs and habits around love, uncovering your own thoughts/programs around love. Learn how to dissect your patterns of relationships/dating and how your past is influencing your present. That is where you are going to make some REAL changes. I have plenty of books and people you can follow that will help connect you to yourself and help you process the loss the of him.
But again, you are not hurting enough to make any changes, so for now, you just have to keep waiting and hurting. It’s really important that you continue to give him space and no longer text him. I know you miss him so much that it hurts, but that is part of what it means to give him all the space he needs to figure things out. He will eventually make a decision and my guess is, he already has on some level and just is afraid to tell you. So you will just have to wait until he gets up the courage to say he doesn’t want to move forward anymore.
Heidi
Hi Noa,
Thank you for sharing your story with us! I know how much it hurts to lose someone you deeply care about. Things slowly started to fall apart and it’s quite the powerless feeling to not be able to do anything about it.
Do you understand what happened between you guys? It doesn’t sound like that is very clear for you. What are your ages?
It sounds like he is very clear about not wanting to get back together. I am so so sorry. I know that is not what you want to hear, but I want to encourage you to really listen to him. He is not inspired to be invested anymore…for whatever reason. It’s important that you honor what he needs and trust his decision. I know it hurts you like crazy to just let this go, but it’s basically your needs against his. By trying to get him back, you are making your needs more important than his. His need for space and to go live his life differently right now is just as important and valuable as you wanting him back. Unfortunately, in the choice to honor him and trust him, you need to let him go.
It sounds like you are reaching for learning and doing whatever you possibly can to get him back, but you actually don’t really understand what has happened or what was lacking in the first place. So it’s hard to even know how to “fix” what is broken. Regardless, from what you are saying, he sounds very clear…at least for right now. Maybe down the road he will shift and change and you guys will come back together. But for right now, I think it’s time for you to face the pain of the loss of him.
I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but it’s what you need to hear. Take a step back, give him space and focus on yourself. Let him go and move forward.
Thoughts?
Heidi
This makes me sad. It’s exhausting to be in relationship with someone who chooses this kind of perspective. It’s very child-like and young thinking. You can always tell where the emotional growth stops in someone by how they view their pain. Children are victims. He is not a victim of you, but as long as he feels that he is, there will be no winning with him. There will be no understanding from him. He will never fully be able to see you as long as you are the one who causes his pain. But like I said…he gets to be this way. Your choice is to accept and align with his views or disconnect and find someone to align with how you want to approach your life.
Thoughts?
Heidi
On the other hand, do you think he would eventually start communicating with me and move on from whatever happened? I don’t know Laura. Like I’ve said, he is a pretty wounded guy and may just stay shut down. Even if he were to come back, do you really think you can just forget about everything and pretend nothing happened? I imagine that is what he would want to do. He is not the talking type.
If we talk, just be supportive and don’t offer any suggestions on what I think he needs to improve? Correct. Leave him be. Again…it is really crucial that you understand the kind of guy he is. He is fragile. He has no tolerance for things not going super smooth and he sure does not have tolerance for any of your limitations or feelings. He ends up shutting down when you confront him. So…basically, in order to keep him happy and more open, don’t confront him anymore…unless you are ready to be ghosted and ignored and disconnected from. I know that really leaves no room for you and your feelings, but that is the reality of your choice to keep this guy as your partner. So just embrace it and learn to be okay not talking about how you feel or talking about things he needs to improve on, unless he asks for it. Makes sense?
I don’t want to rush him to anything, but at the same time I feel Desperate, what will the outcome be here? Who knows what the outcome will be. You have tried everything you can think of and he is not responding. The only thing you have not tried is completely going silent and letting him take the lead all the time. So if he doesn’t text you for a week, you keep waiting until he does, no matter how desperate you start to feel or how much you miss him. Remember, his feelings are all that really matter to him, so in essence, to keep him happy and possibly connect again, you need to just let him be himself and take the lead. If he reaches out, then you respond, but other than that, just keep waiting.
I don’t know what to do anymore to make him come back to his normal self. Laura, this IS his normal self. I know he has never gone this long, but this IS a part of who he is. He was badly hurt (his issue, not yours) and so this IS his normal response. He retreats. 2 years or not, this IS who he is and there will be no knowing how long he will stay disconnected…ever. It will always just depend on the baggage that got triggered. Now you know what he is capable of.
tomorrow I starts the 3rd week he’s been this way and I don’t know what to do anymore to make it better. I can’t believe that 2 years mean this to him. 2 years of what? He won’t commit, he retreats quite a bit, he isn’t an open and honest communicator and you basically live your life trying to make sure he is happy. Regardless of the connection, he has invested so little into this connection with you. And you want to think that 2 years is supposed to mean something to him? I know how hard you have worked to keep this thing going, so you have a VERY high investment…while he just receives it all, but gives very little. You are seeing the reality of his investment. His lack of communication and response to all of your efforts is showing you that he just isn’t THAT invested to really care about how he is treating you, how to become a better partner, how to move past his fears and insecurities or how to better accept your fears and insecurities. Time doesn’t matter here. He has never really stepped in like you have.
I feel I have to do anything I can to keep him happy so he doesn’t leave, I don’t want that, I don’t want my happiness relies on a person. Again, all you are focused on is making sure he doesn’t leave, to the point that you have lost yourself completely. You have abandoned and betrayed yourself many time through this process. It doesn’t matter who you used to be, separate than him. It matters who you are with him. You are lost in all of his needs and desires and wants and no matter how much you don’t want to rely on someone else for your happiness, that is exactly what you are doing and choosing. So the independent woman that you used to be doesn’t exist. You have betrayed her and ignored her for so long, in order to stay with this guy. You treat yourself the way he is treating you. So who is left to love you then? It’s not him and it’s not you. You want the connection more than you want to love and care for yourself. I know it hurts like crazy at the idea of letting him go. It also hurts like crazy to stay. So either way, you are going to hurt. At least if you chose to face the pain of disconnecting, you can actually start healing. If you choose to stay, the pain will just continue with no end in site, because he is not changing anytime soon.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Holy smokes! You really are traveling a lot! Who takes care of your pup when you are gone? I bet you miss her quite a bit when you are gone and vice versa. It sounds like Sevilla could be a 2nd home for you with how you said you liked it so much. And Egypt?? Wow!!!! I have a friend who has traveled there quite a bit and loves it there. What are your plans? How long? What are you going to see?
Gosh…I am sooooo so sorry about that guy—what a disappointment. That must hurt and been frustrating to hear on some level. I’m glad he was finally honest about it. Good job setting that boundary! And I’m sure all the travel following that, has been helpful. How are you feeling about all of it now that you have had a bit of time to distance yourself?
Wow! I’m so curious to hear about how the mediation turns out with your boss. I’m glad something is finally happening!
I’m doing well! I know you don’t know this, but this last year I had 5 surgeries. I went from NEVER going to the doctor except for a yearly checkup to that. Very shocking. Very long story short, I’m still recovering and getting to know this brand new body of mine. Like you, I’m sooooo used to being very physical in many different ways, so learning to respect these new limitations is hard and teaching me patience. I’m still dealing with a lot of pain from being in bed so much recovering, but I’m slowly figuring out how to move without hurting myself more. I’m becoming a much better trainer because of it though. I’ve actually learned quite a bit, so it’s a useful period of time in my life. Thanks for asking!
I didn’t understand what you meant about your shoulder. What’s an infiltration?
Heidi
Wow! What an adventure with your phone! Sheesh! I’m glad you finally were able to grab it. What a serious pain in the *ss!!!!
I hope that your friend is able to find out what is happening with your car. It’s so strange that he just isn’t responding. I’m sorry your experience is that you find people unreliable. Still…everything ends up okay, right? You are still here and have worked through all the let downs.
It sounds like you need to really forgive Wells Fargo for their regulations. You feel abandoned and let down. You invested in them and they are not investing in you back. It always hurts when it’s not a 2 way street, so spend some time releasing it and forgiving them for not choosing to meet your needs.
Sounds like despite not liking your environment, you are still meeting some good people and getting out. Good job!
Heidi
I’ll just share one of my greatest gifts and how I end up using it as a distortion because of the wounds I carry. I LOVE LOVE LOVE teaching and I am very good at it. I have an incredibly amount of information about human behavior and I have changed thousands of lives over the years. However, I found my value in this world by constantly teaching. I would feel “If I don’t have something to share with someone to improve their life, then how am I valuable to them?” So in all of my more serious relationships, I chose guys that needed fixing. I chose guys that had a level of curiosity and would be enthralled and magnetized to how I could help them know themselves on a deeper level. The 1 thing all my guys have said about me is that they have never been so well known or seen by anyone to the level that I offered them. Man…hearing that was like getting a fix of drugs. It would just reinforce my value and would feel like I had purpose and value. That’s why I kept choosing guys who needed my information. I always became the teacher and they always used me as their main resource and regardless of how great things were otherwise, this pattern guaranteed me an ending. Why? Because I was their resource and they didn’t know how to resource themselves. That puts me as being stronger and more educated than them and then me carrying the relationship. Eventually I would always break because I would feel so alone, exhausted and frustrated that all my efforts never really created that much change. The relationship was dysfunctional not because I wasn’t doing enough, it was dysfunctional because I approached life differently than them…enough so, that it caused problems. They wouldn’t go read their own books, or go do their own work…they would just leave it all up to me and I participated in that design at the expense of feeling alone. I got to feel valuable (from a dysfunctional kind of way, but it still worked), but I also got to feel alone.
It took me a lot of years to undo this pattern so that I respect my gift much more. It’s always a work in progress of course, but how I live my life now….man, it’s so much easier and so much more peaceful. I am actually 1000% okay with a person’s pain, even if I caused it. Why? because pain is a gift. Pain offers a window to the soul. Pain exposes our fault lines…the cracks in our systems that are full of lies. Pain is an opportunity for healing. So even when I am messy and cause hurt, I also know it’s a moment in time for both me and the other person to clear some old baggage that is ready to be released. Trying to fix someone else’s pain is robbing them from that opportunity. If you think about it, without pain and growth, none of us would ever grow. We grow because we are trying to get out of pain, so it’s also one of the most powerful motivators. Do you really want to rob someone of their growth by trying to rescue them? That pain and hurt they feel is one of the greatest teachers. I know not many people really view it that way, but that’s their choice. They can stay victim to their pain and their stories or they can empower themselves with it. Either way, that’s THEIR journey and not for me to try and change and fix.
I want to make sure that you understand I truly get what you are doing and why. You and I are very similar in some ways. I know I am being a bit tough with you, but I also feel like you can handle it. You do have a strength in you. You do have an incredible, beautiful, powerful heart that I have no doubt, changes every single life that interacts with you. When you are ready, you will start to care for your gift more and be more cautious and loving towards yourself before you share it with those that do not know how to care for it with you.
Heidi
The first thing I would suggest is for you to stop telling him he needs to grow up. You are picking on him. He gets to be however he wants to be. That is exactly something a mother would say by the way. Stop giving him suggestions on what to do. Every time you do, he will receive it as if there is something wrong with him. If he asks for help, then of course share your ideas, but other than that, keep your ideas to yourself. Sometimes what can work is if you start sharing something you learned about yourself. When you share about yourself and something you learned, you will be indirectly teaching him and giving him some things to think about. He will receive it much better that way because you will be talking about yourself instead of him. Does that make sense? So again….NO telling him to grow up, no offering ideas UNLESS he asks for them and just let him be. Instead, remind him of his strengths. If he is having a problem and doesn’t ask for your ideas, the best thing you can do is say something to the effect of “You are resilient. You have been through a lot in your life and you are still here, taking 1 day at a time. I trust your process. You have everything you need within you to get through this. If you want any ideas, I’m here to help, just ask. Otherwise, I believe in you.”
You say that you feel incredibly bad about hurting anyone and “that’s just how you are.” I get that you have an incredibly beautiful heart and your capacity to love and support is MASSIVE. It’s a gift actually. Not many people are made that way. With that being said, like everything….our greatest gifts are ALSO our greatest weaknesses. Your capacity to love and care is going to everyone else except towards yourself. This is NOT the healthy side of your gift. Like any gift, for it to be used with the highest of consciousness and power, it needs to be used cautiously and used with respect. You are not respecting nor honoring your amazing capacity by constantly trying to fix other people. And so what if you hurt someone? We all do it and it’s just part of life. You are not offering yourself the same kindness, love and compassion for messing up in the first place. Don’t you think you are allowed to mess up and then be loved in your messiness? Don’t you think that when you hurt someone and you don’t forgive yourself for that and then empty your love onto someone else and not giving yourself the same kindness, you are hurting yourself??? You want to fix everyone else’s pain so you can feel value, so you can feel better about yourself, so you can fix your own pain. So no, this is NOT who you are. The way you function is a distortion of your gift and distortion happens when we have unprocessed and unresolved wounds that we carry.
What are you doing to do if he doesn’t want to shift or change or work on anything? Maybe he wants to still stay connected, still stay together, but he won’t commit, he won’t work on himself and he just wants to keep ignoring things. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
I’m glad the cake analogy made you laugh and I’m glad it resonated for you.
You don’t know how to proceed? There is nothing to do. No matter what you do, you are always going to end up right back here in this same spot. So why do anything? Can you just let it go?
Here is another analogy. You are living in a snake pit, getting bit all over the place and you are asking how to stop getting bit. That means you are asking how to stop the snakes, that are just doing what is instinctive and normal for them, to stop being themselves because it’s hurting you all the time. You want the snakes to stop biting you, yet there is a ladder in that pit for you to climb out anytime you want. If you want to stop getting hurt, then climb out of the pit and let the snakes continue just being themselves. You are wanting your guy to care about how he is affecting you to a level that he is just not capable of. Like the snakes, you are wanting him to be different so you don’t have to hurt anymore. You want THEM to change without you having to change by making a different decision. Either way Melissa, you are going to just keep hurting. You will continue to get bitten/hurt as long as you stay and that will never change. You will hurt if you leave because it’s a big loss BUT at least there is an end to that kind of pain. If you finally get out of that snake pit, you can actually heal and never step into one of those ever again. Either way you look at it, you have pain in your future. Which one are you willing to deal with?
If you want to stay, then just go with the flow. What is there really to talk about anyways? If he wants to pretend nothing happened, then why not just go with it? Would you be willing to just let this go and forget about it? Would you be willing to just accept this is who he is? Why fight against that?
Heidi
First, what is really important is for you to really connect to your need to mother him. You are the one doing all the work here and you are saying he just doesn’t know what to do, so you are going to do all of it and help show him how to help himself. Like I said before, if someone doesn’t know what to do, if they want to figure it out, nothing is stopping them from doing a simple google search. Stop making excuses for him as if he doesn’t have the ability or know how in order to resource himself. That is true of a child, but not an adult. Part of the problem here is you are not requiring him to be nor act like an adult who needs to figure out how to problem solve. Your need to mother him is very strong and your need to be mothering and fixing what is broken FOR HIM (and not yourself) is one of the main ways you are trying to make yourself feel valuable. As long as you yourself stays in this pattern, your relationship will never grow or evolve. Your approach is part of what is crippling the growth here. You are wanting to help fix his fears, his insecurities, his lack of communication, his walls….but everything is about saving him. He is a great distraction to avoid dealing with your own limitations. You are interested in fixing his challenges, yet I’ve brought up several things that YOU need to really about yourself and how you are contributing to this very challenging relationship. Focus on yourself. If you don’t shift and start to understand yourself and your patterns, nothing will change. You cannot make him change. You are powerless with that. 100% of your power lies in looking and growing within yourself. When you shift, change and grow, it has soooooo much more of an impact. I have seen men also shift when their woman starts to shift and work on themselves. Is this something you are willing to do?
You keep talking as if having a healing talk will help things. All you want is for him to be ready for that. The thing is, then what? This is a pattern and will always be a pattern as long as he doesn’t view himself as needing help beyond just taking “space.” You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink. This is what you keep doing and are still doing. You keep leading him to the possibilities, you think if you keep learning there might be a way to shift how he treats you. There is NOTHING you can do to shift his core, fundamental fracture. You might be able to get him to talk again so you guys can have that healing talk, but this will keep happening over and over and over again.
I know I am repeating myself and I know what I am saying doesn’t really matter because all that matters to you is talking to him again so you can stop hurting.
Like I said before, all you need to do is just keep waiting. Be positive and connective when he does reach out. Be available and supportive and just keep your feelings to yourself….even in your healing talk. Whatever it is that he is dealing with, it’s big enough to need to take this much space, so all you need to do is just address his feelings. DO NOT bring up your insecurities about the picture in his phone. Just apologize for your reaction, let him know that it took you by surprise and it triggered your insecurities and you are working on those. Tell him it’s not the kind of person you want to be and although it might happen again, you are working with your fears. Then spend the rest of the talk just validating him about how he feels….right or wrong doesn’t matter. Keep the focus on him and just keep validating his experience. Don’t argue his feelings, don’t disagree, don’t defend against anything he is saying – just be a supportive, validating, listening partner and apologize for your side of things.
In the meantime, you can maybe try walking down memory lane a bit. You can say something like “I was out the other day and passed by the restaurant where I remember having the best time with you. Do you remember when we went there? We laughed sooooo much that night.” Essentially you are reminding him of a positive memory and then add a compliment with it. So you might finish by saying, I love when we get to talk and laugh like that. When all our fears and messiness are put aside, even for an hour, I get to feel my very best self with you – even though I have a lot of insecurities, you also have helped me feel the strongest parts of myself that I didn’t know were there. I am forever grateful for that.
Does this make sense? I would say just use this technique once. Send him funny videos that will make him laugh. Ask him for help to fix something or ask him for advice. The goal here is, he needs to feel good about himself when he interacts with you. Does that make sense?
Heidi
I love that you are willing to keep talking about this and continue sharing your thoughts and experiences. I really appreciate that about you!
I don’t want to be the one pushing on that and make him feel worse, but I want to be there for him and be helpful, but he is closed with his feelings, he doesn’t let anyone in. I get it. You are afraid to push because you know how fragile he is. So in accepting this about him, then staying silent with your thoughts and feelings is best. The less he has to deal with, the better. Like you said, he ALWAYS has something inside he is dealing with and stressing about, so any of your feelings where you share your disappointment, hurt, negativity etc. are best kept under wraps. Share the least amount possible with him unless it’s happy stuff.
but I think everyone has fights and ups and down, it’s nothing out of this world, but he doesn’t understand that. Also, sometimes I feel he doesn’t care for me because he doesn’t show it, at the same time I think there is a special connection between us and he cares for me because otherwise he wouldn’t be here dealing with us at this time if it affects him that much, what do you think about it? Yes, there are ups and downs with couples, but you keep rationalizing all the challenges you guys are facing. Your relationship is broken at it’s core foundation, so no…what you guys are doing is staying together on a sinking boat that has some serious cracks in the structure. And you want to keep using a bucket to try and keep the water out. This is NOT typical for relationships that are successful and healthy and nourishing. Those relationships have a very solid foundation with 2 people who are committed to growth and higher functioning with each other.
Of course you wonder if he cares about you. You said he doesn’t let people in. This is who he is and is just something that is part of the package. Embrace it. Know that he has HUGE walls and you are just going to have to accept this about him. Asking him to share more and be more will only push him away further.
Sometimes I think if I am not with him id have a hard time finding other people to date because men are assholes most of the time. I get it. Dating is difficult AND your reasoning is NO excuse for staying in a relationship where you are emotionally starving. There are plenty of guys that are NOT assholes too. I know a ton of guys who are respectful, caring, love to connect and talk and treat women with honor and value. It doesn’t mean a guy like that will light up your fire, but at the very least, you will get to feel what it’s like to be honored and respected by a guy. There are ways to weed out the assholes too. Dating is great practice for setting boundaries, developing your intuition, learning better ways to communicate, learning to be yourself…dating is about sooooooo much more than trying to find someone you connect with.
I didn’t want to put all that pressure on him if it’s really true that he’s feeling that bad like he said. You keep worrying about the pressure you might put on him. I get it. He is fragile and can’t really take very much, so like I said before, deal with your feelings in another way and do not share them with him. He can’t handle any of that right now. Your insecurities, your jealousy, your feelings of rejection…you can work on all of this stuff on your own. It’s not HIS job to fix the things that have been there for years and years. Why not get a therapist for yourself??
but I would like to have a little more of commitment with him, that he actually calls this a relationship because it’s not that we are not in one, its that he doesn’t give the title and I don’t know how to make that happen, that causes my insecurities too, The lack of title has nothing to do with why you feel insecure. It’s the story you have about what it means to have a title that is causing your insecurity. If you had no insecurity at all and not a worry in the world that he is looking at other women, would it matter to you if you had that title of “girlfriend?” Again…this is who he is. He sounds pretty solid about how he wants to view your relationship, so like I previously said, you are choosing a relationship where your feelings, emotions, needs do not matter…only his do. So you will just have to keep staying quiet in order to keep him connected.
As far as the 1 thing you guys could focus on, I would suggest something simple and easy. You can set yourself up for success better that way. So asking for a title, or better communication, or that he shows you more care – those are all GIANT things and would be overwhelming for him. What is something simple and easy that you could ask for from him?
Heidi
Isn’t it so sad that we feel this connection to a business only to discover they really do not care about us other than we fit into their rules and guidelines? I’m sorry you are having to deal with this. I also really hope nothing happened to your car. I would think the same exact thing!!!!
How was the meetup? Did you meet anyone that you enjoyed connecting with? Did you learn anything new?
Heidi
Hi Laura,
Would you be willing to stop being his teacher/mother? No, there is nothing I can tell you that would help him get over what he is feeling. What you triggered in him has lingered there for many, many years – way before he even met you. In order for him to shift how he feels and really understand what is happening, he needs to step into it. There are no words, there are no techniques, there are is nothing YOU can do for him. This is all on HIM as these are his issues. You may have triggered the network of programs/stories/fears, but those fears were not planted by you. Yes, you have added to that network of fear he carries, but you are not the source. He has any resource available for him to help him through this. I guarantee that if he didn’t know how to do something at work, he would research it and figure it out. There are a GAZILLLION free resources on YouTube, books and programs out there, that if he were to put just the slightest effort in, he would start to learn and help himself. YOU being his teacher and guide is you mothering him and treating him as if he is incapable of figuring this out on his own. That is a very damaging pattern. You need to accept the reality that he WANTS to be a victim and as long as he stays in that energy and doesn’t help himself nor fight for himself, he will never fight to be a better partner for you. This is who he is! Let him be that and own/embrace your choice to be with a guy who lives and approaches life that way. You will always have to deal with and accept that he is not the kind of person who is going to truly help himself in any sort of meaningful way and will therefore always be unavailable for you and will always choose himself over you.
I know you are terrified of losing him. Is that how you want to spend your life….constantly sourcing someone else’s comfort at the expense of your own? You are more afraid of losing him that losing yourself. You are making him more important than you. His feelings and comfort matter more to you than your own feelings and comfort. This is a co-dependent pattern: Meeting the needs of others at the expense of your own. When you approach relationship this way, you lose yourself AND your partner really has no clue who you really are, because you are constantly hiding yourself from him. You get to be this way of course. We all have our patterns/habits/fears etc. that we bring to the table. You are so focused on just getting him back so you don’t have to feel uncomfortable. I know this is all that matters to you.
If you are not willing to say what I suggested, then I just suggest to keep letting him take the lead. Wait for him to text you and just continue to be responsive. Don’t push for any answers or feelings from him. Let him be. Whenever he is ready to talk about things, he will. You need to just keep pushing your feelings aside about how hard this is for you and just keep giving him what he wants/needs. Just keep being patient and supportive and let him take the lead on how you guys interact. He obviously still wants to connect on some level, so stay connected and available whenever he reaches out. When it’s time to talk, I’m sure he will let you know, but WAIT for him to bring it up. Let it all go. I definitely DO NOT suggest talking about all the things that are wrong with him and you and then trying to fix those things. That is a conversation that can easily cause a lot of damage. I suggest to just pick 1 thing to improve on and practice within your relationship. JUST ONE!!! Whenever he is ready, you guys can maybe come up with some kind of action plan about how to improve 1 aspect of your relationship and you need to let the rest of it go. He is waaaaaaay too fragile to handle anything more than that.
Does this help?
I know you want some secret way to fix all of this and to fix how he feels. You are dealing with YEARS of buried emotions that will never be fixed by you. Something like that has to come from within. So again, you need to accept him JUST AS HE IS and let him be. He is not the type to dive deep into his feelings nor does he want to learn how..at least not at this point. So that means you are picking a guy who is emotionally fragile and with that comes a lot of challenge. So embrace that and move yourself into a space of acceptance instead of trying to change everything.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Wow Melissa,
What a rollercoaster ride!
I don’t know what else to tell you. You guys are quite messy and play off of each other quite a bit. You are aware of the dysfunction and how this relationship is quite painful and challenging. It just doesn’t sound like you are ready to let go though. Your partner knows how to play the victim quite well. He got his money from you and you obviously feel used by him. The reality is, and this is how it works for most of us – you are just not in enough pain to make a different choice. I get it. I’ve done it a million times. I have stayed in relationships well past their expiration date, trying to repair the connection or make things work better or try and change my perspective. You know what that’s REALLY doing???
It’s like trying to make a yummy, beautiful cake with the most amazing, top quality ingredients BUT adding 1 cup of shit to the recipe. No matter what you do and no matter how beautiful that cake is and no matter how much there are some GOOD ingredients, it doesn’t change there is 1 cup of shit in it – it ruins the beauty and taste of the entire thing and there is no way to fix that. I’ve tried a million times – and so have a gazillion other people. It just is what it is – and no one can tell you when you should stop trying to make the cake taste good. That is a very personal choice. Ultimately, when you are tired enough of hurting, you will choose to walk away.
And NO! It is NOT your fault that he doesn’t trust you. You made a mistake. How long is he going to make you pay for that mistake??? The thing is, he is NOT moving on from it and holding it over your head. He is not doing the work he needs to be doing in order to move forward. That’s on HIM, not you. If he is not able to let go, then you are with a guy who doesn’t know how nor want to learn how to release and let the past be the past. What kind of partnership is that? That is NOT loving or kind or connective. He has put a wall up between you guys called “you hurt me, so I’m not going to trust you” and it’s not going away anytime soon. This is not about you earning back his trust, this is about HIM forgiving and letting go.
Heidi
Wow Melissa,
What a rollercoaster ride!
I don’t know what else to tell you. You guys are quite messy and play off of each other quite a bit. You are aware of the dysfunction and how this relationship is quite painful and challenging. It just doesn’t sound like you are ready to let go though. Your partner knows how to play the victim quite well. He got his money from you and you obviously feel used by him. The reality is, and this is how it works for most of us – you are just not in enough pain to make a different choice. I get it. I’ve done it a million times. I have stayed in relationships well past their expiration date, trying to repair the connection or make things work better or try and change my perspective. You know what that’s REALLY doing???
It’s like trying to make a yummy, beautiful cake with the most amazing, top quality ingredients BUT adding 1 cup of shit to the recipe. No matter what you do and no matter how beautiful that cake is and no matter how much there are some GOOD ingredients, it doesn’t change there is 1 cup of shit in it – it ruins the beauty and taste of the entire thing and there is no way to fix that. I’ve tried a million times – and so have a gazillion other people. It just is what it is – and no one can tell you when you should stop trying to make the cake taste good. That is a very personal choice. Ultimately, when you are tired enough of hurting, you will choose to walk away.
Heidi
