[Heidi G]

Definitely sounds like someone you are not safe with. It sounds like whatever mood he is in that day, you are just going to have to deal with it. Borderline types will make you feel like their best friend one day and then the worst person on the face of the earth the next day. They are incredibly unpredictable and unstable. I don’t know what is going on with him, but like any other personality disorder type, it’s all about managing the interaction and praying a lot for them and for you. Whatever it is that he is dealing with, it can’t be easy. You can be a light for him. You have such goodness and love to spread, so never underestimate your power and influence in his life.

I’m hoping you have a wonderful trip on Saturday. You are incredibly brave to go explore the way you are.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Emma,

Thank you for being here and sharing your struggles. I am so so sorry for what you are going through. He sounds really confused. Of course you feel betrayed and lost. You have no clue what is happening and you are quite powerless as he tries to figure out what the heck he wants. That’s incredibly difficult.

I have some questions. How did you guys end up in a couple’s therapy session? Who brought it up? What are the challenges that inspired you guys to do something like that? Did you only do 1 session? I guess I’m not very clear on where you guys stand. It sounds like he is just confused and you guys don’t really have a direction, a plan, help or purpose. Were his trips for business? I’m guessing you feel like he might be cheating over there, yes?

Any clarity you can provide will be helpful. It’s hard to know how to guide you when I’m not really clear what the challenges are. I understand a little about his challenge, but I’m not sure about the dynamics between you guys and anything that has lead up to these challenges.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tara,

Welcome! I just have a question.

He indicated that he didn’t feel like he had to earn you. That typically translates to “you are too nice.” Have you heard that about yourself before? Are you able to understand what he is saying and why? I’m wondering if you have co-dependent tendencies…meaning, you pretty much do everything you can to make him happy. Is this how you functioned?

For now, I would suggest continuing the 30-day no contact. He needs to feel like you have a spine. He needs to feel like he can push against you and that you can push back. It sounds like he needs a woman who is more strong in herself. Do you feel you have a strong internal connection with yourself? Do you feel like you have really good boundaries and you are solid on your standards as to how you are treated?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Karolina,

Thank you for sharing your story and your what’s happening for you. Wow! You guys have been through a lot! Are you figuring out how to heal now that you have the correct diagnosis?

I can deeply feel what you are saying. I am the same exact way. Deep, spiritual, intellectual….what I call a seeker. It’s in our blood to explore the depths of ourselves and life. It keeps us engaged and entertained. You are not going to like what I have to say 🙁

From my many years of experience, I have concluded that either someone is a seeker or they aren’t. Of course, there are many variations and levels, but for people like us, where it’s the source of our well-being, we can’t not explore the depths and we can’t not have deep relationships. MANY MANY times I have tried having BF who would “plug” into my seeker energy and they were able to somewhat meet me on the path of exploration, but 100% of the time, once it ended, they stopped. The one thing all my boyfriends have said about me is that they have never been known so well by someone – they loved it and craved it – and at the same time struggled with it because of some of the things they discovered about themselves. Regardless, it was always a lonely path for me, because I could know them, but they could never really know me. They just didn’t know how.

Here is the bottom line truth. It’s not in him to be a seeker and it probably never will be. He just wasn’t made that way. He may explore a little bit, but being a seeker is something you are born with…it’s a trait, an instinctual/natural desire – not something that you learn how to become. I know the connection you feel with him is incredibly strong AND it’s not enough anymore. It sounds like it was enough for a while, but a seeker will die in a relationship where they are not fed in the depths of their soul. I have seen it many times…the woman is an explorer and the husband is not – he listens to her and enjoys the conversations, but doesn’t have much to contribute. I have asked all of those women over the years how they do it – they all say the same thing…they get those deep needs met from their friends. I get it AND it’s something I would never choose for myself nor wish on anyone else. In my mind, your partner is your best friend and how can he be your best friend is the most important part of who you are is not really discussed or nourished by him? I couldn’t live like that and every one of those marriages, I have observed there is a stale kind of energy to it. But women, being the relationship caretakers we are, tend to choose the connection over themselves and they settle. I think most women believe it’s not really possible to find a seeker in male form. LOL. They are out there, believe me. No, they aren’t common, but they do exist.

My point being, is that your guy is who he is and your choice is to either accept that he is not going to be that kind of guy/person in your life or you leave.

I know this is not what you wanted to hear. I understand your desire and passion to want to make this work. The problem is not with him. It’s with your need for him to be different. That void is not going to go away unless you shift that need. He deserves to be loved and accepted for EXACTLY who he is. That means you will spend a lifetime trying to inspire him to grow, learn and explore himself and you. You will ALWAYS be deeper than him. You were made that way and he wasn’t. That means you guys approach life very differently in certain areas, so those differences are always going to be there. It’s much easier for him than you, of course. You end up feeling lonely, where he gets to feel his needs are met.

If you want deeper understanding, I would suggest studying the enneagram and also consider doing a human design reading. Do you know about these modalities?

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I’m glad you are really reconciling that you cannot win with this guy. Looking back, do you think you saw these qualities about him in the beginning when he was recruiting you? Yes, keep things positive but not too much or he will dislike that. I know that sounds funny, but there is a fine line to walk. He will think you are brown nosing him and he won’t respect that. Just say yes to everything he does and know that the job description you thought you had doesn’t exist. You are just going to do whatever he tells you…like a personal assistant. That means your job has no limits. He might be a personality disorder…either narcissist or borderline. Again…what matters is that you learn to manage him and not have any expectations beyond that.

I know you are missing home and it’s hard to watch everyone having outings that you wish you were on.
Are you staying connected with everyone? Do you still keep conversations going? I hope so. It will make it that much better once you get back home.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Your boss sounds incredibly difficult and has strong narcissistic tendencies. Those kind of people take a lot of management. Being that he is not safe, it’s best to just keep smiling and doing what he says and then compliment him whenever you can find something good about him. The more he feels your judgment, your irritation, your unhappiness or your displeasure with him, the more he will turn that knife. He sounds like all that matters is that he is right, so whenever you get a chance, stroke his ego. It will make your life easier for the remaining time that you are there. I’m so so sorry you are having to deal with this. This entire journey has been so incredibly difficult. I love that you are planning trips and trying to find ways to keep your spirits up. I really hope something else comes through!

Hang in there! There are a lot of things to learn through this! It’s no mistake that you are there.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Joanne,

Thank you for sharing more. I understand your fear. You feel like he could “forget” you. I know this will be hard to hear. If he is able to do that, then that is HIS choice. If that’s his choice, then you guys weren’t meant for each other long term. Right now, who he is, is someone who is choosing his family over you. So what are you going to do? Keep in contact and stay in torture as you connect with him, but can’t have him? What kind of relationship is that???

I think it’s ALWAYS important to step into our fears and find out what happens. You will be okay. If he does end up truly disconnecting and moving on, then don’t you think that is something you need to know about him? He will never feel the full weight of his decision to choose his parents unless you disconnect. Pain is a great motivator. He may end up surprising you. If that relationship is THAT great, then I hope he will choose to fight for it. If not, then you need to know that about him. If he is THAT tight with his family that he is willing to give up his love and happiness, then what do you think will happen down the road??? It will ALWAYS be you against his family and he will end up always in the middle and torn about what to do. This is just the beginning. So until his parents come into alignment, he will be miserable, no matter how happy you guys are together. His family means everything to him and he needs to do what feels right for him.

I know it’s insanely hurtful though. I know you want to hold on for dear life. It sounds like a really beautiful and amazing relationship. So you can either just keep connecting in the little ways and hope that eventually his parents will come around…OR…you respect his choice and let him go and let him feel the loss of you. Either way…with this kind of situation, it’s not about saying something or doing something to get him to fight for you despite his parents. That is a bond that only HE can shift and change. It’s not about you. It’s about him creating a separation from his parents.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

yikes! Your boss sounds incredibly difficult. I’m wondering, how come you are arguing with him? Why was there a heated discussion? What is stopping you from just doing what he says? You know he is not interested in your thoughts or opinions, yet you keep trying to insert yourself into the process. It doesn’t matter what is industry standard or not – he is the boss and your job is to do whatever he says. It sounds like you are having a tough time letting go of your ideas and the way things should be done. I think once you let go of that, you will find it to be much more peaceful until you leave. I’d hate to see you get fired. Thoughts?

I hope this other project works out well. At least you already know Randy and what it’s like to work with him.

And thank goodness your car is okay! Goodness…it took long enough for him to respond to you!

[Heidi G]

Hi Joanne,

I am soooo incredibly sorry this has happened. It’s awful when parents have such judgement and control where it doesn’t belong. I have no doubt your heart is breaking and you both are really struggling with his decision.

The thing is, you cannot make him fight for anything. In this moment, he is choosing his parents over you and himself. He needs to know what that feels like. This is important for you to also know about him…that his parents play a very important role and if they aren’t happy, he isn’t happy. It doesn’t sound like he has really separated from them. Also, I’m not sure where you both come from, but if he is from a culture where the parents control everything, then you are fighting a losing battle. It’s really about his choice and it’s an awful position he is in. Of course he is not going to disconnect from his parents. He is quite enmeshed. So that means your relationship will suffer.

I would suggest to give it some time. I would also suggest to completely disconnect and stop communicating 100%. He needs to truly feel what his life is like without you and he needs to feel the FULL weight of his choice. Sometimes, that is the most powerful motivator for making changes. He may end up putting pressure on his parents, his parents may see how miserable he is and love him enough to let him make his own choices…all kinds of good things can come from this. So for right now, would you be willing to let go completely and put up a boundary of no more connecting? I know how awful that would feel for both of you, but that essentially is the point and can be the most powerful medicine to help shift this situation.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Laura,

I understand that you feel lost and confused. The thing is, there really is nothing to be confused about. You know that you are powerless right now and you are trying to avoid that reality by trying to find some kind of answer to “fix” this situation. The truth is, there is only confusion because you are not willing to look at what is. You are not willing to look at any other option than to be with him. Disconnecting is not an option for you. You are willing to continue to be ignored and disregarded for as long as it takes. And it’s so darn painful because it’s a daily rejection and he isn’t creating any kind of closure. The relationship is pretty much in HIS hands and you are choosing to be a victim to it and you are choosing to stay dis-empowered. Your confusion is about how to stop feeling that way and you believe that if you could just get him to talk to you again, you will fell better. But all that will really happen, is you will continue to stay small. Now that he has disconnected for so long, you will always remember how horrible this feels, so you are going to end up being even more careful with your words. You are going to keep even more of your thoughts and feelings inside and you are going to continue to cater to all of HIS needs while rejecting your own. He isn’t going to change. This pattern will only continue to get worse and you will keep playing into it because you are so afraid to lose him.

Dating is hard for everybody, however it doesn’t mean that ALL guys are difficult to date. I don’t know where you are finding these guys that don’t treat you well, but I will tell you there are plenty of guys who are still gentleman out there. I’m glad you got to have the experience of your guy treating you that way, but it’s not and unusual quality. I know he is a “first” for you in many ways and many women tend to invest their entire beings into a guy because he was the “first one to say things like this” or “He was the first guy who really treated me well.” It always makes me so sad to hear women invest so intensely in a toxic and harmful relationship because that guy gave them a new experience…that actually should be a standard. If every guy you dated opened your doors, gave you a jacket and behaved like a gentleman, you probably wouldn’t think your current guy is so great. But because you have been starving for so long to be treated well and he came along and gave you a partial experience of that, he gets to be a major hero in your life. It’s like you have been walking in a desert without water for days and days and a man comes up to you and offers you water. You don’t even hesitate and drink the entire thing without actually looking that the water is muddy and full of toxic chemicals that are going to make you sick. You get sick from the water but keep asking him for more and more water and you will do anything for that water, even though it’s actually hurting you. You don’t trust that there is any other water out there to drink, when if you just walk a little further, you might find another person who is able to offer you clean water that can actually add to your body vs. hurt your body.

But like I have said, this is your design and you are not hurting enough to make any changes. You want to keep your focus on HIM and figure out ways to fix him, but the discomfort and suffering you feel lives with YOU. The issue lies with you, not him. The issue exists in your heart and mind that you have chosen to latch onto an emotionally unavailable guy who is extremely young and fragile emotionally and that guarantees a very difficult and rejecting experience. That is YOUR choice and you are not willing to look at what is driving that choice within YOU. That is YOUR mind and heart holding on for dear life to a guy that is harming you. So if you really want something to change and you want to find your power, you need to go within yourself and look at what is driving this choice, because it isn’t love of him. It’s a lack of love for yourself. You cannot offer something to someone else that you do not carry within. If you don’t love yourself, it’s a wounded love that you offer. It isn’t loving or kind to yourself, to love a guy who rejects you all the time and won’t let you into his world. It isn’t loving to yourself to love a guy who is so fragile and unavailable to you. It isn’t loving to yourself to do all of this research and spend all of this money trying to fix HIM all while ignoring what YOUR needs are. He sure isn’t going to take care of you and you aren’t taking care of you, so where is the love for you? You can keep searching and searching for another answer to try and relieve the pain you feel by fixing him, but you will end up right back where you are right now. Alone, crying and hurting. He cannot care for you, not because of you, but because he doesn’t care for himself.

If you really want to learn, then research things on self love, self destructive patterning, recognizing your beliefs and habits around love, uncovering your own thoughts/programs around love. Learn how to dissect your patterns of relationships/dating and how your past is influencing your present. That is where you are going to make some REAL changes. I have plenty of books and people you can follow that will help connect you to yourself and help you process the loss the of him.

But again, you are not hurting enough to make any changes, so for now, you just have to keep waiting and hurting. It’s really important that you continue to give him space and no longer text him. I know you miss him so much that it hurts, but that is part of what it means to give him all the space he needs to figure things out. He will eventually make a decision and my guess is, he already has on some level and just is afraid to tell you. So you will just have to wait until he gets up the courage to say he doesn’t want to move forward anymore.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Noa,

Thank you for sharing your story with us! I know how much it hurts to lose someone you deeply care about. Things slowly started to fall apart and it’s quite the powerless feeling to not be able to do anything about it.

Do you understand what happened between you guys? It doesn’t sound like that is very clear for you. What are your ages?

It sounds like he is very clear about not wanting to get back together. I am so so sorry. I know that is not what you want to hear, but I want to encourage you to really listen to him. He is not inspired to be invested anymore…for whatever reason. It’s important that you honor what he needs and trust his decision. I know it hurts you like crazy to just let this go, but it’s basically your needs against his. By trying to get him back, you are making your needs more important than his. His need for space and to go live his life differently right now is just as important and valuable as you wanting him back. Unfortunately, in the choice to honor him and trust him, you need to let him go.

It sounds like you are reaching for learning and doing whatever you possibly can to get him back, but you actually don’t really understand what has happened or what was lacking in the first place. So it’s hard to even know how to “fix” what is broken. Regardless, from what you are saying, he sounds very clear…at least for right now. Maybe down the road he will shift and change and you guys will come back together. But for right now, I think it’s time for you to face the pain of the loss of him.

I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but it’s what you need to hear. Take a step back, give him space and focus on yourself. Let him go and move forward.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

This makes me sad. It’s exhausting to be in relationship with someone who chooses this kind of perspective. It’s very child-like and young thinking. You can always tell where the emotional growth stops in someone by how they view their pain. Children are victims. He is not a victim of you, but as long as he feels that he is, there will be no winning with him. There will be no understanding from him. He will never fully be able to see you as long as you are the one who causes his pain. But like I said…he gets to be this way. Your choice is to accept and align with his views or disconnect and find someone to align with how you want to approach your life.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

On the other hand, do you think he would eventually start communicating with me and move on from whatever happened? I don’t know Laura. Like I’ve said, he is a pretty wounded guy and may just stay shut down. Even if he were to come back, do you really think you can just forget about everything and pretend nothing happened? I imagine that is what he would want to do. He is not the talking type.

If we talk, just be supportive and don’t offer any suggestions on what I think he needs to improve? Correct. Leave him be. Again…it is really crucial that you understand the kind of guy he is. He is fragile. He has no tolerance for things not going super smooth and he sure does not have tolerance for any of your limitations or feelings. He ends up shutting down when you confront him. So…basically, in order to keep him happy and more open, don’t confront him anymore…unless you are ready to be ghosted and ignored and disconnected from. I know that really leaves no room for you and your feelings, but that is the reality of your choice to keep this guy as your partner. So just embrace it and learn to be okay not talking about how you feel or talking about things he needs to improve on, unless he asks for it. Makes sense?

I don’t want to rush him to anything, but at the same time I feel Desperate, what will the outcome be here? Who knows what the outcome will be. You have tried everything you can think of and he is not responding. The only thing you have not tried is completely going silent and letting him take the lead all the time. So if he doesn’t text you for a week, you keep waiting until he does, no matter how desperate you start to feel or how much you miss him. Remember, his feelings are all that really matter to him, so in essence, to keep him happy and possibly connect again, you need to just let him be himself and take the lead. If he reaches out, then you respond, but other than that, just keep waiting.

I don’t know what to do anymore to make him come back to his normal self. Laura, this IS his normal self. I know he has never gone this long, but this IS a part of who he is. He was badly hurt (his issue, not yours) and so this IS his normal response. He retreats. 2 years or not, this IS who he is and there will be no knowing how long he will stay disconnected…ever. It will always just depend on the baggage that got triggered. Now you know what he is capable of.

tomorrow I starts the 3rd week he’s been this way and I don’t know what to do anymore to make it better. I can’t believe that 2 years mean this to him. 2 years of what? He won’t commit, he retreats quite a bit, he isn’t an open and honest communicator and you basically live your life trying to make sure he is happy. Regardless of the connection, he has invested so little into this connection with you. And you want to think that 2 years is supposed to mean something to him? I know how hard you have worked to keep this thing going, so you have a VERY high investment…while he just receives it all, but gives very little. You are seeing the reality of his investment. His lack of communication and response to all of your efforts is showing you that he just isn’t THAT invested to really care about how he is treating you, how to become a better partner, how to move past his fears and insecurities or how to better accept your fears and insecurities. Time doesn’t matter here. He has never really stepped in like you have.

I feel I have to do anything I can to keep him happy so he doesn’t leave, I don’t want that, I don’t want my happiness relies on a person. Again, all you are focused on is making sure he doesn’t leave, to the point that you have lost yourself completely. You have abandoned and betrayed yourself many time through this process. It doesn’t matter who you used to be, separate than him. It matters who you are with him. You are lost in all of his needs and desires and wants and no matter how much you don’t want to rely on someone else for your happiness, that is exactly what you are doing and choosing. So the independent woman that you used to be doesn’t exist. You have betrayed her and ignored her for so long, in order to stay with this guy. You treat yourself the way he is treating you. So who is left to love you then? It’s not him and it’s not you. You want the connection more than you want to love and care for yourself. I know it hurts like crazy at the idea of letting him go. It also hurts like crazy to stay. So either way, you are going to hurt. At least if you chose to face the pain of disconnecting, you can actually start healing. If you choose to stay, the pain will just continue with no end in site, because he is not changing anytime soon.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Holy smokes! You really are traveling a lot! Who takes care of your pup when you are gone? I bet you miss her quite a bit when you are gone and vice versa. It sounds like Sevilla could be a 2nd home for you with how you said you liked it so much. And Egypt?? Wow!!!! I have a friend who has traveled there quite a bit and loves it there. What are your plans? How long? What are you going to see?

Gosh…I am sooooo so sorry about that guy—what a disappointment. That must hurt and been frustrating to hear on some level. I’m glad he was finally honest about it. Good job setting that boundary! And I’m sure all the travel following that, has been helpful. How are you feeling about all of it now that you have had a bit of time to distance yourself?

Wow! I’m so curious to hear about how the mediation turns out with your boss. I’m glad something is finally happening!

I’m doing well! I know you don’t know this, but this last year I had 5 surgeries. I went from NEVER going to the doctor except for a yearly checkup to that. Very shocking. Very long story short, I’m still recovering and getting to know this brand new body of mine. Like you, I’m sooooo used to being very physical in many different ways, so learning to respect these new limitations is hard and teaching me patience. I’m still dealing with a lot of pain from being in bed so much recovering, but I’m slowly figuring out how to move without hurting myself more. I’m becoming a much better trainer because of it though. I’ve actually learned quite a bit, so it’s a useful period of time in my life. Thanks for asking!

I didn’t understand what you meant about your shoulder. What’s an infiltration?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Wow! What an adventure with your phone! Sheesh! I’m glad you finally were able to grab it. What a serious pain in the *ss!!!!

I hope that your friend is able to find out what is happening with your car. It’s so strange that he just isn’t responding. I’m sorry your experience is that you find people unreliable. Still…everything ends up okay, right? You are still here and have worked through all the let downs.

It sounds like you need to really forgive Wells Fargo for their regulations. You feel abandoned and let down. You invested in them and they are not investing in you back. It always hurts when it’s not a 2 way street, so spend some time releasing it and forgiving them for not choosing to meet your needs.

Sounds like despite not liking your environment, you are still meeting some good people and getting out. Good job!

Heidi

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