Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Detha,
Thank you for sharing your challenge with us. I can see why you are confused and heartbroken.
Does he have a drinking problem?
Also, for him to breakup while he was intoxicated was a very irresponsible thing to do. I’m guessing he was also intoxicated Saturday night as well.
I’m wondering if he is really upset deep down inside about you moving. How come you moved? I’m sure he was being the supportive boyfriend, but now his real feelings are coming out. It sounds like he has quite a lot of low self-esteem as well. Anyone who believes they aren’t good enough for their partner or “better off without them” is someone who makes it very difficult to be partners with, because that low self-esteem leaks out all over the place and they will sabotage intimacy.
I’m also wondering why said he “lied” to you. That’s an interesting choice of words. Do you not trust him? Does he tend to lie to you sometimes? Most people would just think “Oh, you changed your mind.” But your first reaction was that he lied to you, so what’s happening with this?
What is the current connection like? Is he still checking in on you? Have you guys talked at all? He is definitely angry about something and you are the target. Does he have abandonment issues??
How long have you guys been together? Did you guys make any plans about him moving out there with you? How did you guys talk about coming back together and living in the same place again?
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
Thank you for being here. I am sooooo so sorry for what you are going through. 33 years is a very long time! I’m wondering…how come you guys decided to get married? You were together for so long, so what inspired that decision? You said that since he retired, he isn’t helping around the house. So what DOES he do then? Many many people really struggle with retirement, especially men. Men need to have something to do and to go from a job into nothingness is pretty difficult. Does he have any hobbies or projects he is working on? What does he do all day? Are you also retired?
When you apologized, what did you say? How did you say it? Has he apologized at all? It sounds like you guys just keep fighting, but not really resolving or fixing anything. Is that accurate?
I’m so sorry about what you heard over the phone. I do want to say that just because he thinks that about you, it doesn’t mean it’s true. How he feels is also a reflection of his own limitations and his own problems that he carries inside of himself. The thing is, neither of you are happy together and it sounds like it’s been like that for a while now. Would you say that is true?
Do you think he would be willing to go on a date with you? When is the last time you guys had some fun together?
Heidi
Hi Heather!
Welcome! I love love love your questions! There is A LOT to unpack here so let’s dig in!
First, you say you have been working on your self love and blocks on and off for many years. How? What does that mean exactly?
Second, I want to direct you back to yourself….always. It is NEVER about getting a guy to choose you. It’s ALWAYS about you choosing yourself. That is where your power lies. I have a TON of dating experience and every single time I have been rejected, I choose to love myself and reconnect to my greatness. I choose me and when I do that, I can sit in front of any guy and KNOW that I will be okay if he is not inspired by me. That’s the ultimate self love/connection you can have with yourself AND it is the most attractive quality to the right kind of man who is going to match you.
Third, I’m wondering….you say that you end up choosing unhealthy men. Are you aware of this when you are making the choice to move forward with them or do you end up discovering it down the road? I know for me, I am typically aware of what I am stepping into 99% of the time and I step in anyways….knowing I’m going to deal with hurt and rejection. That’s my woundedness/little girl energy making that choice. Does that resonate for you? Or maybe you are not aware of the signs or how to be more discerning about who you choose. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. It will help me better know how to guide you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Emma, I am so so sorry. It’s heartbreaking. It’s such an incredibly powerless feeling to be on the receiving end of a partner who is so unkind and disconnected. Good job with trying to communicate and make all kinds of effort. There is not much more you can do. He seems pretty set on what he wants to do and he is not willing to do anything else and there is just nothing you can do about that.
I would not suggest to continue to initiate conversation. You can set some boundaries though. Maybe he or you starts sleeping in another room. What I do suggest is for you to get some help. Find a therapist who specializes in relationships and get some help and guidance. You need to get stronger and prepared for whatever may happen…whether you move forward together or apart. There are a lot of directions this thing can go and many ways to approach things and the best things you can do for yourself is to get some support. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I love that you guys finally made a connection. It sounds like you had a really wonderful time together!
You most likely are not really going to like what I have to say though. Part of dating, is learning how a person operates in this world. He doesn’t “believe” in chasing and would rather let things unfold however they do. That is a guy who let’s life happen TO him – and he sounds pretty comfortable with that. My guess is, he is used to women chasing him because he doesn’t have to really put much effort in. It’s a very sneaky way of maintaining control and not being very vulnerable.
I hate to break it to you, but if he is not willing to put much effort in or initiate, that is what it would be like to be in relationship with him. Take out the amazing night you had together….do you really feel like you could be in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t initiate? Who doesn’t come after you? Because that “chase” doesn’t stop after you get together. That “chase” needs to exist FOREVER if a relationship is going to stay alive and vibrant. And by “chase” I mean that each person needs to remember that every day is precious and it’s crucial you take care of each other. He needs to be invested in the idea of keeping you engaged with him and vice versa. He needs to have a natural desire to want to engage you, know you, be with you. A guy that doesn’t do that is someone who doesn’t TRULY and DEEPLY invest.
I know you like him a lot and he felt really good AND he doesn’t operate the way you want him to. I mean thin about it…you are ALREADY here asking for advice after the first date. That means something! You already are not having your needs met! You are trying to fit this “great guy” into a box that doesn’t fit him…and that box holds your needs. He may be a great fit for you in many ways, but he also is not a great fit in a really big way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Veronica,
What are you confused about? It sounds like he is pretty clear. He wants to have sex but not a relationship. You know…a friends with benefits kind of thing. What is confusing about that?
What do YOU want?
Heidi
Hi Veronica,
What are you confused about? It sounds like he is pretty clear. He wants to have sex but not a relationship. You know…a friends with benefits kind of thing. What is confusing about that?
What do YOU want?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more! It’s helpful to understand more of the details.
First, as amazing as this guy might be, it also doesn’t sound like he is much of a team player. It sounds like he doesn’t truly nor deeply invest in you and your kids. He invests in himself though. It sounds like he is really good at making sure his needs are taken care of…but that’s where it ends up stopping.
I’d like you to really take some time and think about this. This part of him is who he is. He is going to continue spending money on his cars, he will probably continue only getting enough for 1 meal and he also doesn’t seem to be very forgiving. So you were nagging him. Not the most effective way to go about things, BUT it’s also on him that he wasn’t paying attention, right? If you really felt like he was listening to you and investing in you and your kids and you guys as a couple, would you need to nag him? Your nagging is a symptom of you not feeling like your needs are met. If you do get back together, are you expecting that to change?? You might be so happy that you got him back, but eventually you are going to start to feel the same exact way. He isn’t taking responsibility for any of this. He thinks YOU should change and you are going along with it. Of course there are things for you to work on, but for him to put the full responsibility on YOU to fix what’s wrong and not paying attention to how he is contributing…well that is just another sign of him not being much of a partner.
Are you sure you want to step back into a situation where the guy doesn’t deeply and truly invest in you and your kids?
heidi
Hi Nova,
I am sooooo sorry you are going through this. It’s heartbreaking!!!
What happened?? Do you know why he went back to his ex? Is he still seeing her?
Tell us about your relationship. What was it like? Did he seem unhappy at all? Do you know what his complaints about the relationship would be? What are your complaints about the relationship?
We can offer much better guidance if you share more details. It’s more than just getting him back, it’s about understanding what was happening for him that he chose to go back to his ex.
Heidi
Hi Heather,
That’s strange. The link worked well for me.
What’s going on for you? What are you looking for from the article? Are you needing to solve some challenges in your relationship? We’d love to offer some ideas if you are willing to share.
Heidi
Hi Emma,
Thank you for sharing a little more detail. It sounds like he is really separating himself from this marriage. Has he ever done this before? Do you know and understand what his struggles are and why he is disconnecting to this level? I think you are correct in assuming he is having an afair and someone (probably in Bangkok) has captured his attention.
Let me ask you this…I know you want to try and save your marriage. It’s been 26 years! Would you say that you are happy? Why do you want to fight for him? I’m not looking for “because I love him.” That is evident. I’m looking for reasons beyond that. Do you like being married to him (other than this incident). Do you feel emotionally safe with him? Did you guys used to laugh and play together? Was there romance? I have a feeling that your marriage/connection started to die much sooner than what is happening right now. Right now, it seems some serious damage is being done by his choices and it may not be repairable. The way he is acting, it seems like he has made his choice already, but isn’t able to completely bring himself to give up on his partnership with you.
The thing is, right now, you don’t have much of a partner to work through anything with. Whatever he is going through right now, he is not allowing you to be part of it, so you are all alone here. After 26 years, for him to stonewall you like this is pretty awful and there is not much you can do about it. What he doesn’t realize is that the damage he is doing now could really cost him much more than he thinks.
I think it’s important for you to start to get really clear about the kind of man you want to continue spending time with. You can fight for him like crazy and wait around for him to maybe decide to be your partner again, but that means you would have to completely disregard all that you are feeling and accept that things are going to happen HIS way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
anything you can learn about him, the better. When you are dealing with someone like that, learning the nuances can make all the difference in the world.
I’m sooooo glad your phone was still there! A missing phone is the very last thing you need! I’m really excited to hear about your trip. Hopefully it’s very nourishing and restorative!
Heidi
Hello AD,
We all have had those kinds of moments. First, it’s important to forgive yourself. You’ve been through a lot. It’s incredibly difficult to go through what you just went through. Is that something you are willing to do, even if he isn’t able to forgive you?
How long have you guys been dating? Is there any connection at all? Are you guys talking or texting about anything or is it complete silence? Has he talked to you at all about how he feels and why he is not willing to move forward? Does he understand that fear that you are dealing with about him leaving? Are there any other issues that were happening in the relationship? It seems like a bit of an extreme reaction he is having for just one incident. I’m wondering if it just was the thing that tipped him over the edge.
Share as much detail as you are able, as it will help us guide you better.
Heidi
So you agree with him…you are too nice. That is typically quite unattractive to many men and I want to encourage you to focus on learning about that pattern in yourself. The thing is…after the 30 days, if nothing has really changed within you, it’s not going to shift the situation very much. He isn’t going to want to step back into the same patterns again.
Let’s talk more about your boundaries. What boundaries do you think are good? How are you too nice? There is nothing wrong with doing a lot of things to make him happy. My guess is, it’s more about the energy or mindset you have as you do things for him. There is a BIG difference between doing something for him because it makes you happy and you want to bring pleasure in his life vs. making him happy because you feel like you are supposed to or you feel like you being nice to him will help keep his attention or you are afraid of losing him. Guys can feel the difference between all of those things. There is also a point where it becomes over-giving as well – which has a very insecure energetic tone to it. Do you think that is what he might have been picking up on?
When a guy feels like you are too nice or overgiving, the typical reaction is they feel less respect for you. He needs to know that YOU know that you are okay without him and you are solid and capable of moving on from him. That is an energy of strength that exudes in everything you do and your guy can feel that. So looking back, are you able to see where you could have done things a bit differently? What can you do to support yourself in becoming more balanced in your giving with him?
Heidi
Good job for watching and observing him with others! It’s one of the best ways to understand what is happening and to also see that it’s not about you…it’s about him. I know you know that in your mind, but watching him treat others with a similar tone etc. is helpful to see and validate what you already know.
I sure hope something opens up for you.
Yay! I’m excited for you and Sicily. That’s spectacular!!!!
Heidi
