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Wow! How incredibly rude and disrespectful he just treated you. You are so focused on trying to get him back that you are not connecting to how little he actually respects you. You don’t deserve to be treated with such disregard. I don’t care how great of a guy he is, he also is very unkind and just walks all over you. You are teaching him he can be mean, cold and uncaring and you are still going to let him do whatever he wants. Where is your anger for how he is treating you? Where are your boundaries?
It’s very clear this guy is done and is not interested in trying to fix things. I have a feeling there are other reasons you are not aware of. I think it’s best you work on letting this guy go and truly separating from him. Do you have any friends or family that can help you through this?
Heidi
I think that writing a note is not a good thing until you have a plan of how you want to move forward. Are you saying that you are ready for a divorce? Have you reached out to a lawyer yet? Do you know how you want the living situation to be? My guess is, you are not ready for all of that, so until you are TRULY ready to make a clear move in the direction of a divorce, I would just stay quiet and keep the peace.
If you want to write a note, you can say something like, “It feels pretty clear to me that you are not interested in working through whatever it is that you are feeling WITH me. That is not a partnership to me nor how we have ever functioned before. Your silence is incredibly hurtful and my guess is, you are trying to push me into asking for a divorce since you are not willing to say it yourself. You win. I will not continue to live in this kind of environment. I am moving forward with looking for a lawyer. I suggest you start to prepare your life for our separation.”
You don’t want to write a bunch of your feelings and how he is hurting you etc. because he will only reject you again. All that does is cause more hurt. He KNOWS he is hurting you. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to either get some help like a coach or therapist or move forward with starting the process of divorce.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Tara,
I was hoping to continue talking. Any new developments? Any new thoughts about your situation?
Heidi
Hey there!
I just wanted to check in and see how you are feeling about your situation. Any new developments? Anymore clarity? New questions? Let’s keep talking about this!
Heidi
Hi Veronica,
I just wanted to check in. How are you feeling about your situation? Do you have more clarity? Any questions?
Heidi
Oh gosh. I’m sooooo so sorry! I know how hard it is to let the man you love, go. It’s heartbreaking! It does sound like he has really worked himself into a space of not wanting to continue. It’s not your fault. He sounds like the kind of guy who has an emotional system that isn’t set up to be happy long term. All that low self-esteem will leak out and sabotage connection. Whenever there is an opportunity to not “trust” or feel upset, his system will take advantage of it and magnify it into something so much bigger than what it really is. I’m not saying he is conscious of this happening. It’s a subconscious kind of thing, making it difficult for him to identify any of this.
You can keep trying with him, but you will eventually end up back here because his system will keep sabotaging intimacy. That doesn’t go away until he faces what he is deeply afraid of. He is not set up to be happy, successful, or deeply intimate in a relationship.
If you want to keep trying though, I suggest giving him a few day’s break and not reaching out. Then some time at the end of next week, ask him for help with something. Maybe advice, maybe moving something…something he will enjoy helping you with. Activating his hero instinct can help him feel better about himself. Stay away from any kind of talk about getting back together. Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
Wow! You guys had a MAJOR MAJOR talk! Soooooo great! I love that you guys were finally able to sit down and clear the air for the first time. Of course there are still things to work on, but at least some of the pressure has been released. Good job!!!
So for now, give him space. He needs to know that you heard him and will respect him. And in the meantime, it’s really important that you start to SHOW him that you are working on the things that he mentioned he struggles with when it comes to you. Start to really practice allowing him to take the lead and you relax more. Be deliberate and conscious about how you handle things with him and your household. Include him more and make him more part of the process instead of always being the boss and needing to be right. Start to compliment him more, start to bring positivity into the house and let him feel that you are shifting. He needs to know that you actually HEARD him. And continue to wait and give him some space. There are plenty of other things to work on in the meantime. Does this make sense? How do you feel about this approach?
Heidi
Hi! Thanks for the update!!! It sounds like you feel more empowered and centered in yourself. I love that! I love that you were honest and I love that you took a step back a bit. I’m really curious how your weekend together is going to go. Please come back and tell me what happened! Good luck with everything! I hope you both are able to figure out how to get onto the same page with things.
Heidi
I understand. Dating is a lot of hard work and can absolutely feel like a waste of time sometimes.
What is stopping you from feeling like a prize? That’s low self-esteem obviously, so what kinds of things do you feel about yourself that stop you from knowing how amazing you are?
What is difficult about being discerning? Where do you struggle? If you are choosing to walk forward anyways, despite the red flags, then that is your little girl craving something. What we all tend to do, is connect into someone to meet our needs. Basically it’s wanting that guy to do something for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself. So if you are looking for fun from a guy, how can you source yourself without involving any kind of romance? What do you do that is fun in your life? If you are looking for comfort, how are some way you can bring comfort into your life, without using a guy to do that? Or stimulating conversation?? When you are able to deeply meet all of your own needs, then being discerning is not that difficult. It’s only difficult when you are needing that guy to do or be something for you. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
Thank you for sharing more details. It sounds like there is just a lot of stress in the house. I am so sorry. How is his brother doing? I imagine that is part of why he is shutting down so much. His coping mechanism when he is stressed is to shut down and losing his brother is taking his stress to whole different level. I imagine he doesn’t have much tolerance for anything hard right now and it sounds like he is in survival mode.
It also sounds like you guys just have very poor communication. He shuts you out quite a bit, which means you are not really part of his life, his inside world. That can activate a lot of hurt in you and it sounds like your anger and resentment just build up and then you guys argue….and then nothing really gets resolved. If he is not willing to really work on things, then that makes any relationship extremely difficult. You will just continue to be left out, he will continue to stay quiet and keep you on the outside and you will continue to feel rejected. This pattern will continue and it will just keep getting worse and worse. If he is not willing to make any changes and take responsibility for his side of things, then I’m not sure there is much you can other than to start working on your side of things. Would you be willing to see a Therapist? I think it would be extremely helpful for you to have someone you can talk to and work with. You need a safe place to let all of your feelings out and someone who can help you process all the hurt you feel. You also need someone to help you learn how to communicate differently and see if you can turn things around. He won’t change, but you can. I don’t know if it will ever be enough, but either way, you will learn a lot in the process. You are not willing to leave, so I think the next best thing is to work with an expert.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Pearl. I responded to your other post.
Hi Laura,
I just wanted to check in and see what the update is. Have you guys figured things out? Has he decided to start talking to you again? What’s happened?
Heidi
Hi Pearl,
Welcome! Thank you for being here!
My first question is, have you guys ever met in person? If not, how come? That’s a very long time to go a year without ever seeing them in person. How do you guys communicate? Video, text, phone, both? How often do you guys connect? Daily?
I am soooo so sorry that he all of a sudden is ignoring you and you have no clue why. It’s such a powerless feeling and it makes it even worse when you are not in the same location as someone and can’t talk in person.
I don’t know what has happened of course, but what I do know is that you are learning something new about him that is a dealbreaker in any kind of relationship. A person who goes silent and stops communicating and isn’t honest about what’s happening, is someone who is running away from whatever the challenge for them is. Someone who runs, is someone who isn’t a good partner. You can’t work through things if you aren’t willing to be honest and stay connected to your partner. As you are experiencing, it’s incredibly frustrating and hurtful to be on the receiving end of someone who is stonewalling you. It’s very damaging to the relationship.
I know this is your first love and it’s heartbreaking how he is choosing to do this. The only power you have in this situation is within yourself. You are correct, you cannot continue to be treated like this, so you can set a boundary. You can say something like, “I don’t know what’s happening, but what I do know is that I will not continue to be ignored. I am reaching my limit. If nothing changes, I have no other choice than to walk away. It’s not what I want, but I also am not willing to continue to be ignored and disregarded. I will give you until Monday to step up and start to talk with me about what’s happened for you. If you don’t respond, I will assume that you are not interested in continuing this relationship with me.”
I know this is not what you want. The thing is, if you keep hanging on and continue to participate in this design, you just end up teaching him that it’s okay for him to do this. If you keep trying to placate him and trying to be soft and connective, you are just affirming that you are willing to sacrifice your own well being for his well being and you become the “martyr” which is not a healthy dynamic in a relationship. He needs to feel your strength, he needs to feel that you have standards as to how you are treated and he needs to feel that you are willing to walk away if those standards are not met. Men LOVE that kind of strength in a woman. You need to be willing to choose yourself over the connection with him, especially when it’s this hurtful.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Of course his lack of chase is about fear. Yes, he has been hurt a lot, but that’s no excuse. EVERYBODY has been hurt a lot in their lives. The difference between each of us, is how we deal with it…or don’t deal with it. The red flag here is that he hasn’t dealt with any of it. He is choosing to hold onto that hurt and use that as a barrier to intimacy. So he basically is living his life from the past. The past is still VERY present in his psyche and his coping mechanism to never get hurt again, is to not chase, let all the women come to him, never truly invest and be vulnerable in a real way and “just let things happen.” That kind of approach to life will keep him from hurting for sure…but it will also keep him from intimacy and deep connection. He is the kind of guy who will most likely stonewall wall if you ever confronted him about something in a relationship. That’s my guess at least. Either way, he IS afraid but he isn’t facing that fear. He is holding it very close to his heart to “remind” him to never trust anyone. So he opens up just enough to connect with a woman in the beginning. He gets to feel the pleasure of that sexually and emotionally for a little bit, but then it will fade because most women will not last with this guy. So it’s his version of getting his cake and eating it too, so to speak. Does that make sense?
Let’s talk about your perception about the guys that chase you. It sounds like you are also carrying some beliefs about those “type.” The hard part about dating is learning how to give each person a clean slate. Each person deserves to be seen and experienced as they are, without you putting your past experiences with other men, onto them. Not all men that chase, will leave. You just haven’t found a guy that matches you yet – it’s that simple. It has nothing to do with whether they chase or don’t chase. If you want, we can talk about what to look for in a guy. There are a TON of ways to filter out a guy who has the staying power or not.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Detha,
Thank you for sharing your challenge with us. I can see why you are confused and heartbroken.
Does he have a drinking problem?
Also, for him to breakup while he was intoxicated was a very irresponsible thing to do. I’m guessing he was also intoxicated Saturday night as well.
I’m wondering if he is really upset deep down inside about you moving. How come you moved? I’m sure he was being the supportive boyfriend, but now his real feelings are coming out. It sounds like he has quite a lot of low self-esteem as well. Anyone who believes they aren’t good enough for their partner or “better off without them” is someone who makes it very difficult to be partners with, because that low self-esteem leaks out all over the place and they will sabotage intimacy.
I’m also wondering why said he “lied” to you. That’s an interesting choice of words. Do you not trust him? Does he tend to lie to you sometimes? Most people would just think “Oh, you changed your mind.” But your first reaction was that he lied to you, so what’s happening with this?
What is the current connection like? Is he still checking in on you? Have you guys talked at all? He is definitely angry about something and you are the target. Does he have abandonment issues??
How long have you guys been together? Did you guys make any plans about him moving out there with you? How did you guys talk about coming back together and living in the same place again?
Heidi
