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Hi Sandra,
Thank you for sharing more details. It sounds like there is just a lot of stress in the house. I am so sorry. How is his brother doing? I imagine that is part of why he is shutting down so much. His coping mechanism when he is stressed is to shut down and losing his brother is taking his stress to whole different level. I imagine he doesn’t have much tolerance for anything hard right now and it sounds like he is in survival mode.
It also sounds like you guys just have very poor communication. He shuts you out quite a bit, which means you are not really part of his life, his inside world. That can activate a lot of hurt in you and it sounds like your anger and resentment just build up and then you guys argue….and then nothing really gets resolved. If he is not willing to really work on things, then that makes any relationship extremely difficult. You will just continue to be left out, he will continue to stay quiet and keep you on the outside and you will continue to feel rejected. This pattern will continue and it will just keep getting worse and worse. If he is not willing to make any changes and take responsibility for his side of things, then I’m not sure there is much you can other than to start working on your side of things. Would you be willing to see a Therapist? I think it would be extremely helpful for you to have someone you can talk to and work with. You need a safe place to let all of your feelings out and someone who can help you process all the hurt you feel. You also need someone to help you learn how to communicate differently and see if you can turn things around. He won’t change, but you can. I don’t know if it will ever be enough, but either way, you will learn a lot in the process. You are not willing to leave, so I think the next best thing is to work with an expert.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Pearl. I responded to your other post.
Hi Laura,
I just wanted to check in and see what the update is. Have you guys figured things out? Has he decided to start talking to you again? What’s happened?
Heidi
Hi Pearl,
Welcome! Thank you for being here!
My first question is, have you guys ever met in person? If not, how come? That’s a very long time to go a year without ever seeing them in person. How do you guys communicate? Video, text, phone, both? How often do you guys connect? Daily?
I am soooo so sorry that he all of a sudden is ignoring you and you have no clue why. It’s such a powerless feeling and it makes it even worse when you are not in the same location as someone and can’t talk in person.
I don’t know what has happened of course, but what I do know is that you are learning something new about him that is a dealbreaker in any kind of relationship. A person who goes silent and stops communicating and isn’t honest about what’s happening, is someone who is running away from whatever the challenge for them is. Someone who runs, is someone who isn’t a good partner. You can’t work through things if you aren’t willing to be honest and stay connected to your partner. As you are experiencing, it’s incredibly frustrating and hurtful to be on the receiving end of someone who is stonewalling you. It’s very damaging to the relationship.
I know this is your first love and it’s heartbreaking how he is choosing to do this. The only power you have in this situation is within yourself. You are correct, you cannot continue to be treated like this, so you can set a boundary. You can say something like, “I don’t know what’s happening, but what I do know is that I will not continue to be ignored. I am reaching my limit. If nothing changes, I have no other choice than to walk away. It’s not what I want, but I also am not willing to continue to be ignored and disregarded. I will give you until Monday to step up and start to talk with me about what’s happened for you. If you don’t respond, I will assume that you are not interested in continuing this relationship with me.”
I know this is not what you want. The thing is, if you keep hanging on and continue to participate in this design, you just end up teaching him that it’s okay for him to do this. If you keep trying to placate him and trying to be soft and connective, you are just affirming that you are willing to sacrifice your own well being for his well being and you become the “martyr” which is not a healthy dynamic in a relationship. He needs to feel your strength, he needs to feel that you have standards as to how you are treated and he needs to feel that you are willing to walk away if those standards are not met. Men LOVE that kind of strength in a woman. You need to be willing to choose yourself over the connection with him, especially when it’s this hurtful.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Of course his lack of chase is about fear. Yes, he has been hurt a lot, but that’s no excuse. EVERYBODY has been hurt a lot in their lives. The difference between each of us, is how we deal with it…or don’t deal with it. The red flag here is that he hasn’t dealt with any of it. He is choosing to hold onto that hurt and use that as a barrier to intimacy. So he basically is living his life from the past. The past is still VERY present in his psyche and his coping mechanism to never get hurt again, is to not chase, let all the women come to him, never truly invest and be vulnerable in a real way and “just let things happen.” That kind of approach to life will keep him from hurting for sure…but it will also keep him from intimacy and deep connection. He is the kind of guy who will most likely stonewall wall if you ever confronted him about something in a relationship. That’s my guess at least. Either way, he IS afraid but he isn’t facing that fear. He is holding it very close to his heart to “remind” him to never trust anyone. So he opens up just enough to connect with a woman in the beginning. He gets to feel the pleasure of that sexually and emotionally for a little bit, but then it will fade because most women will not last with this guy. So it’s his version of getting his cake and eating it too, so to speak. Does that make sense?
Let’s talk about your perception about the guys that chase you. It sounds like you are also carrying some beliefs about those “type.” The hard part about dating is learning how to give each person a clean slate. Each person deserves to be seen and experienced as they are, without you putting your past experiences with other men, onto them. Not all men that chase, will leave. You just haven’t found a guy that matches you yet – it’s that simple. It has nothing to do with whether they chase or don’t chase. If you want, we can talk about what to look for in a guy. There are a TON of ways to filter out a guy who has the staying power or not.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Detha,
Thank you for sharing your challenge with us. I can see why you are confused and heartbroken.
Does he have a drinking problem?
Also, for him to breakup while he was intoxicated was a very irresponsible thing to do. I’m guessing he was also intoxicated Saturday night as well.
I’m wondering if he is really upset deep down inside about you moving. How come you moved? I’m sure he was being the supportive boyfriend, but now his real feelings are coming out. It sounds like he has quite a lot of low self-esteem as well. Anyone who believes they aren’t good enough for their partner or “better off without them” is someone who makes it very difficult to be partners with, because that low self-esteem leaks out all over the place and they will sabotage intimacy.
I’m also wondering why said he “lied” to you. That’s an interesting choice of words. Do you not trust him? Does he tend to lie to you sometimes? Most people would just think “Oh, you changed your mind.” But your first reaction was that he lied to you, so what’s happening with this?
What is the current connection like? Is he still checking in on you? Have you guys talked at all? He is definitely angry about something and you are the target. Does he have abandonment issues??
How long have you guys been together? Did you guys make any plans about him moving out there with you? How did you guys talk about coming back together and living in the same place again?
Heidi
Hi Detha,
Thank you for sharing your challenge with us. I can see why you are confused and heartbroken.
Does he have a drinking problem?
Also, for him to breakup while he was intoxicated was a very irresponsible thing to do. I’m guessing he was also intoxicated Saturday night as well.
I’m wondering if he is really upset deep down inside about you moving. How come you moved? I’m sure he was being the supportive boyfriend, but now his real feelings are coming out. It sounds like he has quite a lot of low self-esteem as well. Anyone who believes they aren’t good enough for their partner or “better off without them” is someone who makes it very difficult to be partners with, because that low self-esteem leaks out all over the place and they will sabotage intimacy.
I’m also wondering why said he “lied” to you. That’s an interesting choice of words. Do you not trust him? Does he tend to lie to you sometimes? Most people would just think “Oh, you changed your mind.” But your first reaction was that he lied to you, so what’s happening with this?
What is the current connection like? Is he still checking in on you? Have you guys talked at all? He is definitely angry about something and you are the target. Does he have abandonment issues??
How long have you guys been together? Did you guys make any plans about him moving out there with you? How did you guys talk about coming back together and living in the same place again?
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
Thank you for being here. I am sooooo so sorry for what you are going through. 33 years is a very long time! I’m wondering…how come you guys decided to get married? You were together for so long, so what inspired that decision? You said that since he retired, he isn’t helping around the house. So what DOES he do then? Many many people really struggle with retirement, especially men. Men need to have something to do and to go from a job into nothingness is pretty difficult. Does he have any hobbies or projects he is working on? What does he do all day? Are you also retired?
When you apologized, what did you say? How did you say it? Has he apologized at all? It sounds like you guys just keep fighting, but not really resolving or fixing anything. Is that accurate?
I’m so sorry about what you heard over the phone. I do want to say that just because he thinks that about you, it doesn’t mean it’s true. How he feels is also a reflection of his own limitations and his own problems that he carries inside of himself. The thing is, neither of you are happy together and it sounds like it’s been like that for a while now. Would you say that is true?
Do you think he would be willing to go on a date with you? When is the last time you guys had some fun together?
Heidi
Hi Heather!
Welcome! I love love love your questions! There is A LOT to unpack here so let’s dig in!
First, you say you have been working on your self love and blocks on and off for many years. How? What does that mean exactly?
Second, I want to direct you back to yourself….always. It is NEVER about getting a guy to choose you. It’s ALWAYS about you choosing yourself. That is where your power lies. I have a TON of dating experience and every single time I have been rejected, I choose to love myself and reconnect to my greatness. I choose me and when I do that, I can sit in front of any guy and KNOW that I will be okay if he is not inspired by me. That’s the ultimate self love/connection you can have with yourself AND it is the most attractive quality to the right kind of man who is going to match you.
Third, I’m wondering….you say that you end up choosing unhealthy men. Are you aware of this when you are making the choice to move forward with them or do you end up discovering it down the road? I know for me, I am typically aware of what I am stepping into 99% of the time and I step in anyways….knowing I’m going to deal with hurt and rejection. That’s my woundedness/little girl energy making that choice. Does that resonate for you? Or maybe you are not aware of the signs or how to be more discerning about who you choose. Maybe it’s a little bit of both. It will help me better know how to guide you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Emma, I am so so sorry. It’s heartbreaking. It’s such an incredibly powerless feeling to be on the receiving end of a partner who is so unkind and disconnected. Good job with trying to communicate and make all kinds of effort. There is not much more you can do. He seems pretty set on what he wants to do and he is not willing to do anything else and there is just nothing you can do about that.
I would not suggest to continue to initiate conversation. You can set some boundaries though. Maybe he or you starts sleeping in another room. What I do suggest is for you to get some help. Find a therapist who specializes in relationships and get some help and guidance. You need to get stronger and prepared for whatever may happen…whether you move forward together or apart. There are a lot of directions this thing can go and many ways to approach things and the best things you can do for yourself is to get some support. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
I love that you guys finally made a connection. It sounds like you had a really wonderful time together!
You most likely are not really going to like what I have to say though. Part of dating, is learning how a person operates in this world. He doesn’t “believe” in chasing and would rather let things unfold however they do. That is a guy who let’s life happen TO him – and he sounds pretty comfortable with that. My guess is, he is used to women chasing him because he doesn’t have to really put much effort in. It’s a very sneaky way of maintaining control and not being very vulnerable.
I hate to break it to you, but if he is not willing to put much effort in or initiate, that is what it would be like to be in relationship with him. Take out the amazing night you had together….do you really feel like you could be in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t initiate? Who doesn’t come after you? Because that “chase” doesn’t stop after you get together. That “chase” needs to exist FOREVER if a relationship is going to stay alive and vibrant. And by “chase” I mean that each person needs to remember that every day is precious and it’s crucial you take care of each other. He needs to be invested in the idea of keeping you engaged with him and vice versa. He needs to have a natural desire to want to engage you, know you, be with you. A guy that doesn’t do that is someone who doesn’t TRULY and DEEPLY invest.
I know you like him a lot and he felt really good AND he doesn’t operate the way you want him to. I mean thin about it…you are ALREADY here asking for advice after the first date. That means something! You already are not having your needs met! You are trying to fit this “great guy” into a box that doesn’t fit him…and that box holds your needs. He may be a great fit for you in many ways, but he also is not a great fit in a really big way.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Veronica,
What are you confused about? It sounds like he is pretty clear. He wants to have sex but not a relationship. You know…a friends with benefits kind of thing. What is confusing about that?
What do YOU want?
Heidi
Hi Veronica,
What are you confused about? It sounds like he is pretty clear. He wants to have sex but not a relationship. You know…a friends with benefits kind of thing. What is confusing about that?
What do YOU want?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more! It’s helpful to understand more of the details.
First, as amazing as this guy might be, it also doesn’t sound like he is much of a team player. It sounds like he doesn’t truly nor deeply invest in you and your kids. He invests in himself though. It sounds like he is really good at making sure his needs are taken care of…but that’s where it ends up stopping.
I’d like you to really take some time and think about this. This part of him is who he is. He is going to continue spending money on his cars, he will probably continue only getting enough for 1 meal and he also doesn’t seem to be very forgiving. So you were nagging him. Not the most effective way to go about things, BUT it’s also on him that he wasn’t paying attention, right? If you really felt like he was listening to you and investing in you and your kids and you guys as a couple, would you need to nag him? Your nagging is a symptom of you not feeling like your needs are met. If you do get back together, are you expecting that to change?? You might be so happy that you got him back, but eventually you are going to start to feel the same exact way. He isn’t taking responsibility for any of this. He thinks YOU should change and you are going along with it. Of course there are things for you to work on, but for him to put the full responsibility on YOU to fix what’s wrong and not paying attention to how he is contributing…well that is just another sign of him not being much of a partner.
Are you sure you want to step back into a situation where the guy doesn’t deeply and truly invest in you and your kids?
heidi
Hi Nova,
I am sooooo sorry you are going through this. It’s heartbreaking!!!
What happened?? Do you know why he went back to his ex? Is he still seeing her?
Tell us about your relationship. What was it like? Did he seem unhappy at all? Do you know what his complaints about the relationship would be? What are your complaints about the relationship?
We can offer much better guidance if you share more details. It’s more than just getting him back, it’s about understanding what was happening for him that he chose to go back to his ex.
Heidi
