[Heidi G]

Hi Melissa!

Welcome back! Wow! It has been a long time! Thank you for the update and sharing such personal and vulnerable information!

I am soooo so sorry about what you discovered in past. It’s incredibly shocking, disarming and all consuming. Give yourself a break for not seeing the “mistakes” you were making. Remember how he also wasn’t connected to how him looking at pictures was hurting you until you came right out and said it? It’s NOT your job to make sure he feels happy in the relationship. It’s HIS job. You just discovered something super major and life-changing and you needed some time to just focus on yourself. Of course your sexual energy would shut down. There are many layers to work through when you discover sexual abuse. Good job for facing it! Good job for working with it! Good job for choosing to forgive and not hold onto all the hurt and trauma!! You are incredibly strong and doing and doing an amazing job! I’m glad he was supportive, but at the same time, he needed to step up and communicate better. I think that you are spot on in knowing that the communication part is the biggest issue between you guys.

I’m curious, why did you feel afraid to tell him and let him in on the process?
Do you know why he didn’t directly communicate with you about how he was feeling? Maybe he thought he had and didn’t feel like you were listening. But you are right…it needs to be a clear, direct conversation and not subtle hints over a text message.

I’m not sure I completely understand how it was left. Are you guys officially broken up? Or “taking space?” Or giving it time and staying together?

I think the first thing to do is for you to forgive yourself. You are doing the very best you know how and unfortunately that is not enough sometimes…and that’s okay. I think it’s also important to hold HIM accountable to taking control of his own happiness and to stop relying on you to figure it out on your own. He needs to step up for himself.

Are you guys still talking or making any plans together?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

This is a great start! I love that you have identified why you shut down. Having to play “small and invisible” is awful. Of course you shut down when you are hurt. I actually have that same exact coping mechanism. It’s something you and I will have to deal with for the rest of our lives. It’s just how we are made. After having done many years of therapy, I learned other ways. I’m still occasionally tempted to retreat in an unhealthy way, but I’ve done enough healing now that I know how to choose something different.

Are you willing to work with a therapist or coach? Are you willing to read some books? Maybe start to learn from different teachers out there? I will tell you that having awareness of your pattern and why it exists, is not enough. You can’t just all of a sudden change a pattern you have had your whole life and is sourced by fear. I wish it were that easy. You are heading in the right direction! What next steps are you willing to take?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Christine,

Wow. That sounds pretty intense. How long were you guys together? I’m a little confused when you said you want to confirm through his texts whether or not he cheated. But before you said he admitted to it and you also a text from the woman. So what more confirmation do you need? I’m wondering if I’m missing parts of the story.

I also have concern that HIS reasons for breaking up include you talking about your kids too much and he didn’t like all the pictures of your family because he was jealous. BIG RED FLAGS here. You want to appease his insecurities by making yourself “smaller?” How long do you think that will last before you become resentful?

You are here asking how to get him back when you don’t even know for sure what happened. Why go through all of that? Why not just wait and get all the information you need and then decide? Are you waiting for him to show you or something? I’m wondering why you don’t already know. Is he avoiding you? I’m not quite sure I fully understand what your relationship is now.

Any more detail you can share would be helpful.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Okay great! So all you can do is really work on your side of things to help him feel like you are a safer person for him to connect with again. Saying sorry is actually the smallest step you can take. Now it’s about working on your communication.

Tell me how you communicate when you are upset? I know about this last event that caused the breakup, but what are you like in general when you need something different from him, hurt, angry etc.? What kind of improvements can you make with your communication?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

andni didn’t allow him in my bed i didn’t know he had arrived, i wasn’t about to kick him out as im not genuinely a nasty person he works nights and was obviously shattered I understand you didn’t “allow” him into your bed, but you allowed him to stay. Again, him just showing up like that was entirely inappropriate and disrespectful. Yet you think that somehow it would make you a nasty person if you had asked him to leave? It was YOUR space and he wasn’t invited. I’d say it would have been a completely appropriate response. I’m curious how come you think it would have made you a nasty person to have that boundary?

I didn’t stay and talk 2 him because i didn’t want to feed his ego How come you think that staying and talking would have fed his ego?

So you are saying that you don’t feel any kind of desperate energy or mindset to get him back? You said you “begged.” Begging is desperate energy, so that’s where I’m getting that term from. Do you feel that isn’t an accurate description?

But i am taking responsibility for my actions and how horrible i was so yes apart of me feels like i had to let him sleep You were not that horrible! You were emotional. I want to invite you to let that moment go. Are you willing to forgive yourself?? You DO NOT have to keep feeling guilty about what happened. Letting him stay out of guilt is not effective nor a healthy dynamic. Like I said, the breakup was inevitable. The breakup was caused by MANY times you guys were dysfunctional together, not just this last moment. That’s why I’m trying to get you to look at the ENTIRE relationship and how you guys functioned so that you can learn how to become a better partner.

So I am asking again, are you willing to not text him anymore? At least for a few weeks? Are you willing to set some boundaries? Are you willing to look at your side of the dysfunction and work on shifting how you relate to him?

Heidi

• This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by Heidi G.

[Heidi G]

I forgot to ask about the online dating. One thing I would suggest is to meet in person as soon as possible. I don’t suggest people waste a lot of time talking on the phone. I typically suggest a coffee date and that will give you the real information you need to know if you want to move forward. The more you talk on the phone, the easier it is to develop a very prolific fantasy about the guy. If you do talk on the phone first, then I suggest staying away from “what are you looking for” kind of questions. It’s not my favorite question to ask anyways, as it says so little about someone. The best questions to ask are ones that bring out the stories of their past. You will get to indirectly see what they are actually like in action vs. hearing “general” descriptions about what they want. Not that it’s a bad question, it’s just a common question that is typically rehearsed because they’ve said it so much and doesn’t say much about how that person functions in their life. I like to ask questions that are unique and cause someone to actually think about an answer.

Is this helpful?

Gosh, I could talk for DAYS about all the introductory dating tips I have and what to look for, so stick with me. There is A LOT to uncover.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I LOVE that you are asking this!

The important thing to do is to develop questions according to your personal non-negotiables. For example, I HAVE to have romance in my relationship. My spirit would never survive without it. Knowing this, I ask questions and observe around this topic to see what they are like. For example, I might ask “What is your favorite way to be romantic? What’s the most creative romantic thing you have ever done?”

So understanding what your non-negotiables are, is one of the most important aspects to HOW you date and what you look for.

In general though, the first thing I am looking for is to see if there is potential for emotional safety. You choose a guy according to their WORST qualities, first and foremost. What breaks a relationship is HOW people treat each other in their worst. If a guy tends to stonewall when he is confronted, that is a quality that will break a relationship. So from the very beginning, I am wanting to get to know their “perspective” about the worst sides of themselves. I’ll ask questions like “What was your reputation in high school? Tell me about your worst heartbreak. What happened? What are you like when you get angry? What is the worst hurt you have caused to someone else? If you could change your childhood, what would it be? ” Do you understand the line of questioning that I’m getting at? You want to listen to HOW and WHAT they say. Do they still have palpable emotions around hurt from the past? Do they sound clear and resolved and peaceful about their past? After listening to their answer, I then store it away and look for other things that would solidify what they are saying or discount it. For example, if a guy says he is really romantic, I’m also looking to see if that shows up anywhere. I remember a guy was telling me about patience being his best quality and then a few dates later, I discover a low level of road rage. Actions and words need to match up…always. If not, you are in for a loooong relationship with drama and challenge.

When creating your non negotiable list, you need to think about what you CANNOT live without. It’s not about what you want, this list is about what you NEED in order to feel sourced.

Here are some personal examples:
1. creatively romantic
2. high communicator
3. active/fit
4. loves animals
5. high emotional intelligence

I cannot ever feel sourced in love without these qualities. These are not wants, they are non-negotiables. Even if the guy might have 10 qualities out of 11, it still won’t work because every single thing on my non-negotiable list is just that…non negotiable. Once you really understand what those core qualities are, then you develop questions around those things.

Does that make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I understand you want to keep him around.

I know this may sound scary and risky, but setting some boundaries can actually cause him to want to come back. If he knows he can walk in your house anytime he wants, take your food and occupy your space WITHOUT letting you know, he will continue to disrespect you. This desperate energy you have about wanting him back is a mindset that guys can’t stand. It feels “needy” to them and they will take advantage of it.

You are fostering an unhealthy dynamic. Because you are so desperate to get him back, you allow him to do whatever he wants. You have been begging him and I imagine you would be willing to do or give him anything he needs, just to get him back. This gives him all the power. You are letting go of your own power, within yourself, and giving it to him. Where are YOU holding him accountable to how he is treating you? Getting him back means setting boundaries to protect yourself – like not allowing him to come into your space without asking. Would you be willing to stop reaching out and stop texting? If he wants to reach out, he will. He needs to feel the ABSENCE of you in order to know what he is missing.

How does this approach sound?

heidi

[Heidi G]

I guess my little girl is craving love… I have been sourcing myself for years… but am tired of that This is interesting. It sounds like you are reaching a new level of a “block” within yourself. Sourcing yourself is a forever thing. Yes, it’s normal to get tired sometimes, but those “tired” phases always have some new “presents” for us to unwrap. Our psyche can be infinitely explored. What you are feeling right now is a block, another layer of feelings your little girl is exposing for you and most of all a golden opportunity for more healing. You don’t “need” companionship from a man. You need it from yourself. It’s okay to take a rest from the romantic search, so why not go exploring within and connect even more strongly with your little girl energy. I imagine if you were with a guy and you felt “tired” of the relationship, you wouldn’t say “We’ve been together forever and I’m tired of being in this relationship. I need something different.” Basically, you are focusing on the outside (other guys) and betraying yourself with the kind of guys you are choosing to have more meaningful connections with for a period of time. And you are asking if you should just quit?? You are saying to your little girl “I’m tired of taking care of you, so I’m just going to bail and look for someone else to do it for me.”

so I guess I don’t know what is stopping me from being more discerning If you don’t know, then don’t you want to find out? You are choosing to experience men who are not healthy for you. If you don’t learn about your reasons behind that, you will just keep choosing from little girl/wounded energy. You asked what you could change about yourself to attract what you want…this is it. You work with the part of yourself that is choosing unhealthy romantic connections and the part of yourself that is craving love – you source yourself.

I thought i was so I don’t know and wonder if i should just give up. I have no doubt you were discerning to the level of your awareness. I’d say it’s time to uplevel your awareness about yourself AND the guys you are choosing. For example, narcissists are pretty easy to spot from the beginning. The narcissists you allowed into your life, were you aware from the beginning or did it take a while to figure it out? And the choice isn’t about staying in the game or giving up. The choice is about whether you are going to start choosing yourself on a deeper level or not. Men are going to continue to reject you and even after finding a man you can take the journey with, he will also hurt you, reject you, disappoint you and make you feel EVERY part of yourself. So right now, you have an opportunity to develop your resilience and to NOT let all those guys who were not good matches for you (even the ones you thought you liked) take your beautiful spirit and cause you to “quit.” Sure, take a break, but do it because you need to focus on yourself. If you stay in the game, know that every single rejection carries a gift you to help you become even stronger in choosing yourself. Every single one of those moments carries the potential for you to become even more strong internally, more resilient and more self-loving. THAT is how you attract a healthier more high-functioning man that can go the distance. You are in a relationship with yourself forever. There is no “I’m tired – I “need” someone else to do it for me.” I’d say it’s about that time to take it to a deeper level.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I’m not saying there is no chance of getting him back. At any moment, anything can happen. I’m just saying that he is being pretty clear he is not interested in working anything out…at least not for right now. The more you chase him, the more he will lose respect for you.

Remember i broke up with him , i treated him poorly towards the end of our relationship I understand you started the process, but this is not all on you. The fact that he is not very forgiving or willing to talk through anything means he is not a good partner. He basically is just ending things, not talking about it and then using you to “take a nap” and take some food and then bail. You said he was comfortable enough to be there, but I view it as him playing mind games, being incredibly disrespectful and just using you. Think about it…he doesn’t want to get back together or talk about anything, and then he shows up in your space, sleeps in your bed, takes your food, and says nothing to you except leaving a note that says thanks and then tells you he took more food. Like I said, you are so focused on getting him back that you are ignoring some incredibly BIG red flags about him that clearly will tell you he is NOT built for any kind of long term, nourishing, healthy and vibrant love. So this not just about you treating him poorly in the end. That last moment was just one moment of many, many moments where trust was broken, feelings were hurt, communication ruined and the relationship burdened. You didn’t break up because of that one moment. He wants to be done not because of those last moments. It’s a culmination of how you and him treated each other that caused you to want to break up and is causing him to want stay broken up.

If your relationship is ever going to work and IF he is interested in ever coming back, you both cannot keep the same patterns.

So let’s talk about those patterns that sabotaged your relationship with him. Looking back, how would you like him to show up differently for you? What kind of girlfriend do you want to be for him? What were some ineffective ways you showed up in the relationship and how can you work on those aspects?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Wow! How incredibly rude and disrespectful he just treated you. You are so focused on trying to get him back that you are not connecting to how little he actually respects you. You don’t deserve to be treated with such disregard. I don’t care how great of a guy he is, he also is very unkind and just walks all over you. You are teaching him he can be mean, cold and uncaring and you are still going to let him do whatever he wants. Where is your anger for how he is treating you? Where are your boundaries?

It’s very clear this guy is done and is not interested in trying to fix things. I have a feeling there are other reasons you are not aware of. I think it’s best you work on letting this guy go and truly separating from him. Do you have any friends or family that can help you through this?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I think that writing a note is not a good thing until you have a plan of how you want to move forward. Are you saying that you are ready for a divorce? Have you reached out to a lawyer yet? Do you know how you want the living situation to be? My guess is, you are not ready for all of that, so until you are TRULY ready to make a clear move in the direction of a divorce, I would just stay quiet and keep the peace.

If you want to write a note, you can say something like, “It feels pretty clear to me that you are not interested in working through whatever it is that you are feeling WITH me. That is not a partnership to me nor how we have ever functioned before. Your silence is incredibly hurtful and my guess is, you are trying to push me into asking for a divorce since you are not willing to say it yourself. You win. I will not continue to live in this kind of environment. I am moving forward with looking for a lawyer. I suggest you start to prepare your life for our separation.”

You don’t want to write a bunch of your feelings and how he is hurting you etc. because he will only reject you again. All that does is cause more hurt. He KNOWS he is hurting you. The best thing you can do for yourself right now is to either get some help like a coach or therapist or move forward with starting the process of divorce.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Tara,

I was hoping to continue talking. Any new developments? Any new thoughts about your situation?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hey there!

I just wanted to check in and see how you are feeling about your situation. Any new developments? Anymore clarity? New questions? Let’s keep talking about this!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Veronica,

I just wanted to check in. How are you feeling about your situation? Do you have more clarity? Any questions?

Heidi

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