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Hi Anna,
Thank you for sharing more of your story! It really is beautiful how you both support each other so much!
Let’s talk flirting. I LOVE LOVE LOVE how much you are complimenting him and receiving his help and asking for his support. WELL DONE! Keep that up!!! FOREVER!!!! Do not ever stop doing that, as it is soooo so important for the man to feel like he has a purpose in his woman’s life. Flirting however, is more about heading into the territory of attraction. Flirting lets the other person know there is ATTRACTION….sexual, chemical attraction. Everything you are saying to him is about him as a person. Flirting would be more saying things about how he makes you feel, things you notice about him physically and most of all, letting him know that he affects you…that you want him. For example, saying something like, “I know I’ve never said this to you before because I get a little nervous, but I really love your eyes. Sometimes, when you look at me, I get butterflies.” Or…”Wow! You kinda look sexy today. I love the messy hair.” Do you see what I’m getting at? BUT…more than anything, it’s about the delivery MORE than the words. It’s your body language as you say something, your tone of voice, the look you give him, HOW you touch his arm. You actually don’t have to say anything and let your body speak for you and he will get the message. It may make him uncomfortable since he is awkward in the romance department, but personally…I think that’s a good thing. He needs to step up. From what you said, that side of him DOES exist, so he needs to step into it with you.
It’s really hard to explain flirting over this platform, but what I suggest is to watch some movies. Watch the body language of a woman who is flirting, what she says, how she sends him the message. It’s allowing the feelings you have for him to fill your body and then your body, your look, your smile, your touch tells him that story accompanied by a compliment or something you noticed about him. There are a ton of ways to flirt, so you need to find what feels comfortable for you….your unique way of flirting that feels like your personality. For me, I was an expert flirt. I knew all the different ways to get a guy’s attention. I knew how to be bashful and shy, I knew how to be strong and more aggressive / blunt, I knew how to play hard to get, I knew how to send the look and smile across the room….but I could be all of those things because I knew how to let the chemistry be free in my body so I could have the right kind of energy to be flirtatious. That honestly is the key…letting your feelings be free and allowing them to be expressed through your body. Does that make sense?
Here is a short video to maybe help you get started: https://youtu.be/sYYBJyo4hzo?si=LOVLVTiBE2CJVW9g
Let me know what you think. Let’s keep talking about this too! See if you can shift your connection with him to something more than friendship just through spicing it up a little. This may give him the courage to respond.
Lastly, it’s sooooooo important to understand that he just may not have the capacity right now. For a man, being the provider is one of the most important roles for him. He is doing it for his family right now and his career is in transition, so this is one of the BIGGEST, more CORE areas in a man’s life. In my experience, when a man does not have his career and provider role figured out (as an adult), his ability to be present and open to a deep relationship is just not there. Most men need to feel settled, rooted, and clear about this area of their life before settling in with a woman. So…he may feel like he needs to get his life figured out BEFORE feeling confident to invite you into that romantic side. You might need a lot of patience for a handful of months while he figures out his life. And that means, not sharing your feelings quite yet. That means letting him take the lead. That means, keeping the door open for other experiences as well. Go out and date and meet other types of guys. They won’t compare to your connection with him, but that’s okay! Dating is a GREAT way to get to know yourself, practice certain skills like communication, setting boundaries, dealing with different personalities, and just getting practice. You can keep connecting with your guy and being available, but don’t put your life on hold either.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Welcome!!! Thank you for sharing your story! It’s actually quite a beautiful story. It sounds like you both have developed an incredibly powerful, authentic, supportive and nourishing connection. I love that you both get to feel something like this at such a young age.
I will be happy to share some of my thoughts and then you can decide what is best for you.
First, I’m wondering what is happening for him that he hasn’t made a move yet. It’s been quite a long time and for a guy NOT to want to take things to the next level with a woman he is so connected to…well, there is something “off” about that. He could be afraid, he could have some of his masculine energy damaged, so he is not very good at initiating and going after what he wants (this type of pattern can show up when the mother is VERY dominant, shaming, and critical) or….he just doesn’t feel that way about you (which I find hard to believe).
If he is afraid for some reason and doesn’t want to lose the friendship you guys have built (which is the same fear as you), then this can be a red flag. It’s sooooo important that each of us face our fears. If he doesn’t know how to do that, then fear will control his life and that doesn’t make for a very good partner in life. If his masculine energy (the initiator, the doer, the go getter part of him) has been damaged, then that also is a red flag. He could end up being more submissive, more co-dependent where he puts the decisions into your hands, and that is a very toxic pattern. By the way….you know him ONLY as a friend and I will tell you that I have seen this a gazillion times…people are great in friendships, but the moment it crosses over into romance, they become a much more difficult person to be with. Romance and love trigger things deep inside someone and activates so many dysfunctional patterns in all of us, so as much as you love him and feel like you know him, there is sooooooo much more you will never know until it crosses over into a romance.
Here is the thing Anna. There is something inherently valuable for the man to be the one who initiates. It’s an expression of his core energy. When a man initiates, it allows a woman to be in her feminine by being the receiver. If the woman initiates, it can get a little mucky because the roles get reversed. It puts the man in the receiving state and the woman in the initiating state and although it’s not the end of the world by any means, it IS something that can become a dysfunctional pattern.
I know you have super strong feelings for him, but let me ask you this. Wouldn’t it feel amazing to have him step up, look you in the eyes and say “I want to be with you. You are the most amazing woman and I can’t imagine going another day without being with you.” To have a man take initiative…to have a man face his fears and go for it…to have a man be vulnerable and express what he wants at the risk of rejection….well – there is something inherently important in that process for the man AND to have his woman witness his courage. When a woman doesn’t see her man be courageous and do the scary thing, face his fears, take initiative…it actually causes a woman to NOT feel safe with him and that, in and of itself, will slowly wear away at the relationship over time.
If he isn’t willing to face his fears right now and instead you initiate, then in a way, you are stealing a very important moment away from him. You are stealing a right of passage so to speak, which is an important process needed to enter into a relationship with a woman. “Courting,” although not a very prominent process used these days, is actually a very important process for both the man in the woman and sets them up in the most natural ways – the man being the initiator and the woman being the receiver.
So honestly, I would suggest NOT to say anything, because HE needs to be the one to initiate. And the truth is, if he never does…then that is something you need to know about him. He either doesn’t have feelings for you or he is being controlled by fear. Either way, it doesn’t work. He needs to fight for you if he wants to be with you.
What I would suggest instead, is to give him some clues about how you are feeling. Do you guys ever flirt with each other? Do you ever dress in a way that would get his attention? Do you ever hint at your attraction towards him? A guy sometimes just needs encouragement. I’m wondering that since you guys are such good friends, maybe the flirty, sexy side of you doesn’t ever come out with him or vice versa.
If you do decide you want to say something, what are you hoping to happen? I imagine you want him to admit to his feelings too and then you guys are in a relationship? If yes, how do you foresee that going with him moving away? Do you imagine being in a long distance relationship?
How far away will he be once he goes home?
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome! I’m glad you are here asking a question you are very afraid of asking. I don’t blame you. After being married for 24 years, it’s a terrifying thought that things are not heading in the direction you want and there is a possibility of losing him. Good job for having the courage to ask this!!!
Do YOU have positive moments with him? What is the condition of your marriage? Are you intimate? What is your communication like? Do you have date nights?
Have you asked him about his behavior directly? Has he ever done this before?
Heidi
Hi Lona,
I want to encourage you to go VERY slow here. You both were in very long term relationships and the loss of those relationships is multilayered and FULL of all kinds of feelings and memories and healing from that kind of loss takes YEARS!!!
I’m wondering if you wanting to be his wallpaper picture has more to do with you avoiding the feelings of loss by focusing your attention on strongly connecting with him so he can fill that hole in your life where your husband used to be. Wanting to be someone’s wallpaper on their phone only after a month of dating is VERY fast for anyone. That is a potential red flag to me. Would you be willing to explore this?
Heidi
Hi Lona,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
How long have you both been dating? I imagine not very long since your husband died only 7 months ago. How long were you married? I’m so sorry you are both dealing with major losses in your lives. It’s so incredibly difficult and grief is multilayered and everyone goes through those layers differently.
I’m wondering…what’s the rush? It sounds like he really enjoys being around you and with you. What do you think it means that he hasn’t put your picture as his wallpaper? The truth is, you will ALWAYS be compared to his late wife and he will be compared to your late husband. It’s just part of human nature. When he is ready, he will change the picture and the truth is, he may never do that. So what. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. So instead of wanting him to change to fit YOUR agenda, how about just accepting his choice and not putting a meaning on it that you are not special to him. For me, my last dog was my soul dog. He was the greatest and most powerful connection I have ever felt in my life. He died 2 years ago. I have a new dog that I love love love, but my last dog is the wallpaper on my phone. For now, it’s what I want. I enjoy seeing my last dog’s face, his eyes, the tilt of his head. It makes me smile. It does not diminish how much I love my current dog. Love is like a tree. The person is the tree trunk and each branch is love that goes out to a person. Some branches will dies off completely and some branches keep producing leaves and fruit. Love does NOT require all the other branches to dies off in order to focus on keeping one branch alive and fruitful. Love expresses itself differently according to who it’s interacting with, so that means your guy can love his late wife, you can love your late husband AND allow a new branch to grow for each other. One does NOT have to replace another. The heart is big enough, love is big enough to grow in many different directions and many different ways.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Haylee,
I thought I’d check in. What are your thoughts about what I said? Do you have any other questions? Have there been any new developments?
Heidi
Hi Haylee,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like this is a pretty drama filled relationship. He sounds VERY unclear and that he is just playing games with you. The kinds of things you are explaining that he is doing, sound like he is staying connected in order to get money, use your car, and get your attention/affection.
The thing is Haylee, YOU are the one teaching him that it’s okay for him to treat you this way. It doesn’t sound like you have any boundaries in place for yourself. It sounds like he just does whatever he wants and you let him. Do you ever say “no” to him?
I know you feel like love exists between you guys. I know it feels like there is a strong connection. Unfortunately, that feeling is not enough. BOTH people have to be willing to make changes and work on how they treat each other and themselves, for a relationship to actually work – and it doesn’t sound like this guy is that kind of person. It sounds like this guy is being controlled by his addictions and that he really has not interest in caring about how he is affecting you. I’m so sorry you have to feel this from him. You deserve to be treated with respect, you deserve to be cared about, you deserve to feel like you matter, you deserve to have a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with….this guy is NONE of those things and you cannot make him be any of it. Your job, as hard and challenging as it is, is to accept him for exactly who he is instead of needing him to change. And in that acceptance, it means saying goodbye to the love you feel for him, because you care more about yourself and how you are treated. When you have respect and love for yourself and require that from others, people come into our lives that match that energy you project. Being that this guy is treating you as if you don’t matter (I don’t care what he says – his ACTIONS are say more than his words), then that is reflecting to you that you don’t think you matter either, because you are accepting his behavior.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
How are you doing? I know it was quite the shocker what this guy did and I’m wondering how you are processing all of it. It was very upsetting, so how have you helped yourself these past few weeks, dealing with this hurt and major disappointment?
Heidi
Hi Kandy,
I am so sorry to hear about what’s happening with your situation. It’s truly awful to feel so good with someone and then have them end it. It must have been really hard to be dealing with cancer as well. How are you recovering?? I’m wondering if that had something to do with it. It takes a TON of strength for someone to stay committed to someone dealing with the effects of radiation and a cancer diagnosis.It’s incredibly difficult to offer guidance of how to get back together with this kind of situation. This guy cheats and it sounds like he doesn’t know any other way to go about dealing with how he feels. People like this are serial cheaters. He goes through several relationships and although it lasted a lot longer with you, he still found a reason to end it – without a valid reason other than he has some things to figure out.
The thing is Kandy, he is using you. He wants to stay connected with you to get to have the best parts of you – by having a weekly lunch, but then he doesn’t want ALL of you. I have no doubt he loves you and feels a connection, but it’s a very limited love. He is not willing to do anything more than have a weekly lunch – why??? To go from being together for 3 years to a weekly lunch is NOT okay. He doesn’t want to disconnect completely so instead, he agrees to get a good dose of you each week without having to put the other effort in. What is he trying to figure out??? He knows who you are, so it’s not like doing a weekly lunch will help him get to know you better. Again, he is using you. He is staying connected so he doesn’t have to feel the FULL weight of his decision to let you go. And you are letting him use you. You are willing to let him breadcrumb you all so you can stay connected and hope for something more. You are worth more than that Kandy. Do you really want to stay connected to a guy who truly doesn’t value you? He cheated and now he is getting a weekly dose of you all the while fighting for this other girl who sounds like she is messed up!!!! The reality is, HE is messed up.
If he is really going to figure out whatever it is going on in his “heart” then why is he dating someone else in the first place? He is not figuring out a damn thing. Dating this other girl and then having lunch with you once a week…he gets everything he wants without really committing to anything. Again, you are worth more than that!
You deserve to be with a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from being with you. You deserve to be with a guy who is 100% CLEAR that he wants to be with you and know you. You deserve a guy who doesn’t play games – which is all this guy is doing. You deserve a guy who is honest and authentic and who will work through things WITH you instead of cheating, breaking up and then stringing you along for the past 9 weeks. He is not treating you with respect and he is not valuing you and what you bring to his life.
If you want him to respect you, then you need to respect yourself first and that begins with you having standards as to how you are treated. So tell me, how do you want to be treated?
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
If a need for me telling him that we take our separate ways, how politely can I do that so that I don’t sound rude. What’s important to understand is that being “rude” is relative. MANY times I have been clear, honest, and open and I was called “rude.” So…the reality is, he will take what you say and put his own story onto it and you have no control over that. Instead of trying not to be “rude” your focus needs to be on just being clear and authentic.
Being that he is depressed, has misled you quite a bit, and hateful towards women, know that NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, it’s most likely going to land on him in a hard way. It also means, the less you say the better. He does NOT have the capacity to care much about how you are feeling right now, so keep it simple and clear with the least amount of information as possible.
You can say something like: “Hey. I feel it’s time for us to go our separate ways. This design isn’t working for me anymore and I’m clear that I appreciate and love the time we shared and it’s time for an ending of this chapter. I wish you all the best!”
It’s short, simple, clear and does NOT go into all your feelings. He is not safe to open up to, as you have learned. He has lied to you and invited you into loving him, all the while he was sleeping with other women. He cannot be trusted with your vulnerability and your beautiful and sacred feelings. He broke that trust in a big way, so simply just state that you are done and if he tried to pull you into a conversation about it, stay focused and just repeat….”I’m not going to get into it. I am clear that this chapter is complete and that’s all that matters.”
How does this approach feel to you?
Now I can clearly see that I am innocent the only problem I called for my self is being in love with a depressed partner. I’m glad you are able to see this! Yes! Trying to build a loving relationship with someone who is depressed is IMPOSSIBLE. Maybe look at that within yourself. What made you decide to go down that road? Did you think you could help him? Save him somehow? Did you think he would change? What was happening inside of YOU that you chose to open your heart to someone in this state of mind? These kinds of questions can help you understand yourself so that you don’t go down this road again.
Heidi
Have you apologized for your reaction?
I know there is are a lot of amazing things about this guy. Maybe you never saw any red flags before, but there are PLENTY of them now.
He first said his experience at the wedding made him hate women more. Yikes!!! This is a HUGE red flag. Obviously he has been hurt, but it’s clear he has not forgiven the ladies who hurt him. You will NEVER get close to his heart as long as he feels this way. This “hatred” will ALWAYS be stronger than love and will sabotage any connection that gets close….just like you are experiencing now. He has one part of him that really wants to love and be loved, but the other part of him that hates women and is holding on his anger and hurt – is asking to be friends, pushing you away, confusing you, and sabotaging connection. This part will always win out, as long as he does nothing about it. This is not about you…this is about HIM. It is NOT your job to fix this for him or even try. That will just fuel the hatred he already carries.
The reality of ANY person who is showing you mixed feelings, is that they have 2 parts of themselves that do not agree. This also is a BIG RED FLAG! It means he will always stay confused and these 2 parts will constantly be switching who is in control. That’s why one part is very connective and amazing and the other part is angry, disconnected, cold, and wants to be friends. Again, this has nothing to do with you. He would be like this with ANY woman who wanted to be closer to him. These 2 parts of him will always battle and will always take turns who is in control and will always create confusion for the person on the receiving end. It just means he is not 100% all in. It means he has 1 foot out the door. The hatred for women he carries and his excuse for hiding behind religious beliefs are all just keep you away and not close. Someone this “split” – meaning he has 2 parts of himself that disagree – is NOT available for a relationship. It means he cannot offer you what you want.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want a resolution. There is no resolution for someone who is acting like this. The resolution is him getting help. the resolution is him understanding what is happening and wanting to fix it. The resolution is him caring about how he is affecting you. None of these resolutions are things he is doing, and you are powerless to change that.
I’m so sorry Felicity. If you want to continue to connect, just know that it’s going to keep hurting. You need to accept that this is who he is and that means you have a choice to make. If you stay connected, you will just keep feeling rejected and confused. If you disconnect, you will have to face the pain of letting him go. Either path, you are facing heart ache. The first path however, is never-ending. The second path, at least there is closure and you can heal from the hurt.
It’s not a fun choice to make, but nonetheless it’s the choice you have.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Felicity,
Thank you for sharing more. Have you ever met in person?
It sounds like he still has some stuff to work out. Whatever happened at that wedding, I’m sure it triggered something from his divorce.
I do want to encourage you to also look at your own triggers. You went into desperate mode and bombarded him – which I understand – AND that is one of the fastest ways to drive a guy away that is needing to figure out some stuff in his life.
The thing is, he got triggered from whatever happened at the wedding and because he needed to have a little space, instead of supporting what he needed, you made the entire situation about you. You went into your own trigger, asked if he wanted to breakup, demanded the truth, bombarded him with texts and phone calls – did you ever ask him about his trigger? Did you ever ask him if there was anything you could do to help him? Did you ever find out what specifically triggered him? Even if he wanted space and needed to “go into his cave” (which is what most guys need to do when they get stressed) as a supportive partner, your job is to just wait, check in on him every once in a while so he knows you are there, create a safe space for him to tell you what’s going on, and most of all, have compassion for him knowing that he is struggling with something. Instead, what happened was your anger and insecurity and that just added a ton more stress on top of what he was already dealing with. Do you know why you got so upset? Have you dealt with being abandoned, betrayed, ignored, neglected or any of that in your past?
Also, long distance really makes things like this incredibly difficult to navigate. It’s so hard when you are not able to really talk things through in person. Text is the WORST way to try and settle anything.
I’m guessing he is not sure about what he wants right now. Being triggered at the wedding and then seeing how you reacted, he may just want to take things slow for right now. Are you able to just let go of what he wants right now and instead just ask him what he needs? How can you best support him right now? Have you apologized for how you reacted?
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Felicity,
Welcome! It sounds like a challenging situation you are in. How did you guys meet? How often do you guys get to see each other? Is there any plan in the near future to live in the same area?
Trying to make a long distance relationship work is incredibly difficult, especially if that is how it starts out. The reality is, you guys know very little about each other. You only get to experience each other in these small windows of time and you both miss all the small, intricate details of each other that exist while moving throughout normal life. There is sooooooo much you don’t know about him and vice versa. It’s not unusual for there to be a hot and cold kind of connection, because a relationship cannot be built on any solid ground when there is distance from the beginning. It’s different if a foundation was established where you lived in the same space for a while and really got to know each other and then entered into a long distance design. A foundation at least exists.
I know you love him, but it’s a limited love. It’s a love that cannot grow into something deeper and more expansive, because you need experiences, memories, time together for extended periods of time, for that kind of love to grow into something more sustainable.
Do you have any idea why he is so hot and cold? Has he talked to you about how he feels and why he is like that? Do you understand why he wanted to break up at some point?
Heidi
Oh Lisa,
I am soooooo so sorry! That is soooooo awful!! Have you talked to him about it?
He clearly is NOT ready for a relationship. Your heart must be broken. I know how much you believed in the connection you had with him and how much you really invested. I know you imagined a forever kind of connection growing with him and now it all just fell apart.
Of course you want to give up. I don’t blame you. You have a lot of hurt to deal with right now. I imagine you feel like a fool for believing in something that was not what you thought. He sure mislead you.
Do you have a therapist or someone you can work through these feelings with? You are going to need some help to heal your broke heart. Something like this will activate sooooooo many of your past experiences and drudge up all kinds of hurt and betrayal feelings. This one is a doozy! How are you going to help yourself get through this?
I want you to know…I believe in you that you can get through this. I believe in you and your ability to heal and move past this moment. I believe in you that you can find love again when you are ready. This experience is REALLY important for you. Experiences like these have many layers to it that can help you heal, grow, and learn. These kinds experiences bring so much pain, but healing that pain can absolutely help you activate more of your greatness…if you let it. Is that something you are willing to do?
Heidi
