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Hi Christina!
Welcome! I’m glad you are here! Your situation sounds quite confusing…meaning there are a lot of mixed messages here from what you are saying.
I like to just go by 1 simple rule and I have never found this rule to NOT be true in the all the years I dated and all the years I’ve been coaching others. If it’s confusing as to where you stand, then that is reason enough to let it go. Here is a very simple fact. When a guy wants you and is CLEAR about that, he doesn’t play games. He makes it VERY clear about what he wants, he courts you, he initiates, and there is something very natural within him that desires to know you. There is NOTHING stopping him. So…if a guy is sending mixed messages, playing games, and having double standards….YIKES!!! If it’s starting out this way, just imagine a year down the road how you will feel, because he won’t get any better.
My question to you is….Why do you want to get him to stop playing games? Why not just say to yourself, “This doesn’t feel good. Regardless of how much fun we have together, he is inconsistent and confusing and that, in and of itself, is not okay for me. Time to move on.”
What I actually find interesting here Christina, is you have this standard and boundary around sex and your body, yet you don’t have a standard or boundary as to how you want to be treated. Instead, you are trying to find a way to change this guy’s behavior so you can keep dating. Anytime you are not able to fully and completely accept a guy for WHO HE SHOWS YOU HE IS…anytime you catch yourself saying “How do I get him to do…..or “How can I get him to change…..” or anything of that flavor, that is an IMMEDIATE red flag you need to pay attention to within yourself. It’s you negotiating away your standards as to how you want to be treated in exchange for his attention and affections. So I’m wondering, you don’t like this treatment and playing games behavior, so what is stopping you from putting up a boundary and teaching him how you want to be treated, just like you did with sex? Or, maybe another way to look at this is, what is keeping you connected to a guy who clearly is not interested in creating a strong connection with you?
Heidi
Hi Lili!
Thank you for sharing so much more detail. It was really helpful! Let’s definitely keep this conversation going so you can feel very clear about the next steps you would like to take.
1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that he just came right out and told you about this other woman. That’s fantastic and he gets a gold star for that one! Thank you for clarifying.
2. He has a fear of failing again. This is pretty normal. You have trust challenges which are sourced by fear as well. We ALL have fears that revolve around our past hurts. The fear exists because basically, we don’t want to get hurt again. There is nothing wrong with fear being present, but it can be very damaging to any connection when fear LEADS the decisions. For example, if I am afraid of being cheated on again, it becomes damaging when I secretly go through his stuff, or check his phone when he isn’t looking, or follow him to see where he is going, or constantly question him about where he is at etc. Those types of behaviors are very damaging because fear is in the driver’s seat and controlling the situation. So it’s important to understand that his fear of failing is normal AND that may mean he needs to go slow, that absolutely will mean that you will hit some of his walls at some point (and he will find your walls too) and hopefully, you both are the kind of people that work through them vs. running away from them. Since he is the type to pull away and need to think on his own (the man’s cave), know this is normal for him and it’s VERY important to honor what he needs. This kind of pattern can be VERY VERY challenging for an anxious attachment style, so I definitely see this being a bump in the road at some point that you both will have to figure out.
I want to have a clear picture of what is going on with this woman, I want to know about this relationship and the purpose of their/her communicating and what are his expectations about this friendship and how can I trust that it is just this, a friendship, if there’s one. I don’t even know what happened there. I feel I need information that could give me some picture of where am I standing. Let’s talk about this further. I absolutely understand your thinking that if you just had more information and understanding about this woman, that it would help you feel more secure and clear about where you stand with him. However, I want to invite you into thinking about it a bit differently. You have an insecurity and feel a level of threat by this woman. Imagine you didn’t have trust issues. Imagine that you felt completely confident in who you were, so much so, that it wouldn’t matter what woman came along and interacted with your guy, because you KNOW that you are badass, valuable, worth knowing, worth being with, and that he is damn lucky to be with you. If you felt that about yourself, then this woman would not be a threat, right? Let’s take this even further. What if you felt like you were valuable, whether or not this guy chose you. What if you knew how valuable and amazing you were, to the point that you just trusted that if this guy didn’t work out and he sabotaged the connection, then that’s on him. It’s a learning experience and there will be another guy at some point who will be able to value you and treat you like the queen you are.
So let’s think about this here….if you didn’t have this insecurity, then you actually wouldn’t feel threatened by this other woman and you wouldn’t need to know the details of their connection, right? So how about instead, facing your insecurity and working on it yourself, instead of looking to HIM to fix how you feel (which is only a bandaid to the deeper issue here, right?) You are looking to HIM to help you feel secure, instead of looking within yourself and finding the security that way.
Let’s talk about trust for a bit. There are 2 types. Primary trust is self trust and secondary trust is the trust between you and the other person. The mistake everyone makes in trying to fix their trust issues, is they focus on the secondary trust and ignore the primary trust. This approach will ALWAYS magnify the trust issues because the reality is, we are all messy in relationships. Your guy is going to break your trust in one way or another because he is human and vice versa. So what actually FIXES and heals trust, is repairing and healing primary trust.
Strong primary trust sounds like (using your situation): “I notice he has a connection with this other woman that I do not completely understand and it’s okay. I know that I am valuable and lovable even if he doesn’t see that. If he chooses to sabotage this connection with me, I WILL BE OKAY!!! I trust myself that no matter what happens here, I am resilient, I am resourceful, I know how to get help and I can heal.” When you have that kind of trust in yourself, it keeps your fears in check. Your confidence and belief in yourself is leading your decisions vs. your fear leading your decisions. It’s not that the fear goes away 100%, it’s more that your confidence and belief and trust in yourself is MUCH bigger. The stronger your self-trust is, the smaller your fear becomes.
From what you have shared so far about your situation, I want to encourage you to FIRST, face your insecurities yourself and stop looking to him to fix it for you. I know how tough this is…it’s the road less traveled for sure and is not easy, however, building self-trust is a FOREVER kind of trust that can never be broken unless YOU choose to betray yourself. It’s the kind of trust that if you continue to build, will carry you for the rest of your life and support much healthier connections in the long run.
So, you can either confront him and say something and ask for his re-assurance by requiring details (which is really only a bandaid fix) OR you can look at your insecurity, own it, work with it and use him as a supporting role. What that could look like is by you saying something like “Listen…I know we are still getting to know each other, so I want to teach you a little about me. First, I want to own that my insecurities and trust issues are being triggered by this other woman. I take full responsibility for this. I know I have trust issues from my past that are my baggage and I am working on it and I want you to know that I am struggling a bit. I am not asking you to do anything different, as I have no interest in controlling you. You are a grown man and you get to make whatever decisions you want. I just want to ask for your awareness of my sensitivies and my insecurities. What will help me is you continuing to be open and honest about it – and you have done a great job about that which I truly appreciate. We are still so new, so I just ask for your patience with me as I navigate this. What I need at the moment that you can really help me with, is a little reassurance. Do you still feel good about being with me?”
Do you see how you are not making him the rescuer but instead using him as a supporting role? And then you keep working on your fears and your insecurities on your own.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Lili! Welcome! I’m so glad you are here looking for another perspective. What a courageous thing you are doing asking for help and wanting to show in the best way possible. Well done! I love that you are owning your patterns, your fears, your attachment style and how you feel in relationships. Good job! We ALL have funkiness when it comes to love, but hat makes one person better at it than another, is how they deal with their funkiness. Someone like you, who is owning it, reaching out to learn about yourself, and willing to be held accountable is what a good partner does! So as much as you may feel like preschooler, you are doing something that most people are not willing to do and that is ask for expert help and to keep learning. So give yourself more credit. We are ALL messy, but it’s what we do with our messes that make us effective or ineffective.
So let’s talk about your situation. I know it’s INCREDIBLY tough to differentiate between behavior that signifies him hiding something and your fear and lack of trust. It’s especially tough when you are still getting to know someone. You don’t know 100% of his patterns, you don’t know his habits, you don’t know his typical response to all different types of situations, so trying to determine what’s appropriate or not is tough!
I’m curious…what was his behavior when you said he was acting “weird?” What was weird? Also, do you know much about his past relationships? Do you know if he has ever cheated before? What’s his relationship like with his family? What are some of the red flags you are noticing about him and how he handles stress?
I have no idea how to approach this because I don’t want to make him pull away and because I feel it’s too early, but at the same time I feel I need to do something about it. So let’s get clear here. What do you want to do about this? Meaning, if you confront him, what are you hoping to accomplish?
First, it’s important to acknowledge there could already be a red flag that he wasn’t up front with you about this other girl. He was acting weird and it took you asking him about him about it before he was willing to tell you. Being that this is a very new relationship, it’s understandable that he may not have known how to handle this, especially since he knows you have trust issues, but it IS something to pay attention to and keep in the forefront of your mind as you get to know him. He may be that kind of guy who hides things, so just keep paying attention and looking for this pattern. Him hiding his phone from you COULD be that same thing or could be something totally different. I know for me, I am a private person, so I don’t like having talking or texting conversations in front of anyone else. The thing is, you just don’t know at this point.
Honestly, you guys are sooooo new, so there definitely is a strong possibility that you may scare him away. Ultimately, what you have to decide first and foremost, is that you choose and love yourself no matter what. What a lot of women do is they sacrifice their needs and standards in order to stay connected to a relationship they inherently don’t feel safe in. So get clear here…do you want to choose yourself or do you want to choose the relationship? This is an important decisions because if you choose yourself, then it’s time to say goodbye to the fear of losing him. Imagine you were NOT afraid of losing him, what would you do?
I don’t want you to do anything with him quite yet, because it’s important for you to get very clear first and foremost. So let’s keep talking about this.
Tell me what your relationship is like. How deeply do you guys have conversations? Why did you say yes to being exclusive with him? What is so great about him that you would invite him into your inner circle?
Heidi
Hi Crystal!
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story and being here. I am soooo so sorry for everything you have been through. Trauma from abuse is so incredibly impactful on all relationships. I’m not surprised you treated him the way you did. The part of you that carries the trauma from the abuse, is just trying to keep you safe. It’s a very common and normal response and I love that you are getting help. Are you still continuing to work with someone today?
I’m glad he is also getting some help. It sounds like he has some deep issues to work through as well.
I don’t know if this relationship is salvageable. So much has happened and there have been enough occurrences of hurtful words and acts, that it can extremely difficult to let all of that go, in order to create more safety in the connection. Sometimes, too much has happened to try and clean things up.
What I would suggest is to keep SHOWING him how you have shifted. I’m sure you have apologized and owned your side of things, yes? What was his response?
Has he actually noticed you have changed? If yes, how? Words at this point are not going to have much power. Actions are what is going to convince him that you are shifting. What kinds of things can you do to SHOW him how you have shifted?
I think it’s a good idea that you honor his need to get divorced. That is part of you showing him that you want to respect his needs, even if it’s not what you want. This is how you build trust. You listen to his needs, honor his requests and boundaries, and stay open to connecting WITHOUT anger or judgment for his choices. Even if you guys do get divorced, it doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. Maybe over the next 2-3 years, you guys slowly build trust back up again, you both learn how to relate differently to each other and you guys decide to come back together. Who knows! Either way, a divorce doesn’t have to be the end.
Would he be willing to go to a therapist WITH you? What if you suggested to see a therapist together for the sole purpose of NOT getting back together, but to do the work to forgive each other, clear the air and say the things that need to be said, so you can both move on. It’s the “conscious uncoupling” concept. Have you ever read that book? It’s a fantastic approach and it can be a way that you both can learn how to “uncouple” in a healthy way. Do you think he would be open to something like that?
Heidi
Fingers crossed that will help prepare me for when the right guy crosses my path! EVERYTHING you do to develop new skills, communication, facing your fears, and stepping into new sides of yourself, will absolutely help you when the “right” guy comes across your path. Which leads me into helping you have a more expanded perspective of the “right” guy. Instead of thinking that there is 1 “right” guy for you, believe that EVERY guy is the “right” guy for you…FOR RIGHT NOW. There is NO GUARANTEE of anything lasting “forever,” so take the pressure off and view each guy that you have an interaction with, IS the “right” guy to help you get to know yourself. Some guys will be fleeting experiences and some guys will last a little longer. And occasionally you might find a guy who has the right stuff to inspire something much deeper. Either way, if you view relationships and love in general as part of the schooling and that each guy is a teacher, showing you new sides to yourself, showing you where your triggers are, exposing your insecurities and low self esteem, exposing your greatness….then you can appreciate and value each experience, no matter how long it lasts. I know you imagine falling deeply in love and being with that person forever and that means he is the “right” one, but again….lasting forever could or could not happen. I’ve seen 20+ year marriages fall apart, so all that means is the relationship ran its course, they were the “right” ones for each other for a season, and it’s time to do something different. So maybe consider that each guy you interact with, always holds something valuable for you.
I get that flirting can be more scary than just being blunt and to the point. This is great though! You obviously can choose that route, but why not expand yourself. Why not face these fears? He is the PERFECT person to be awkward with! You guys have such a strong connection, that it definitely can withstand you growing and expanding in new ways. Besides, if he bails because you get awkward, then that is something you need to know about him then, isn’t it? If you stay small and hide your imperfections or always color within the lines so you can keep his attention, so you can make sure you don’t scare him away, then that is YOU trying to be “perfect.” That is an incredibly dangerous way to function within a relationship. How is he ever supposed to TRULY know you, if you are hiding parts of yourself because you are afraid of losing him? How is the relationship ever going to grow, if you stay the same all the time? Why not step into flirting, find your own version of what that means for you, be courageous and allow yourself to be awkward, and challenge the relationship? It’s good for you and it’s good for him. You have to keep learning that your connection can withstand different energies and that he is able to love you and value you, even WITH your imperfections!! So….I know it’s super scary, so I think that’s an even stronger reason you should flirt and NOT be blunt. Do the hard thing because you want to grow. Do the scary thing because you want to be the kind of person and partner who faces her fears instead of running from them. Step into the gray and get to know that space because there is A LOT of gray in love.
I love that you are working on a new mindset about looking at him at work. Working on that “ashamed” feeling and changing the narrative around it, can definitely help you develop new strength to OWN how you feel, even at work. It’s always a risk for sure, but what is more important than that risk, is the belief that whether or not you get what you want out of this, you are interested in becoming more confident, more authentic, and growing more internally strong. Well done!!!
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Lisa,
Great to hear from you!
I understand your frustration and confusion about dating. It can be confusing, because there are a lot of mixed signals out there, mostly because a lot of people don’t know themselves very well and they let their feelings lead them, which is a very dangerous thing to do. Our feelings are NOT stable, especially when just getting to know someone.
There are a few things we can talk about here. First, I’m noticing that what you are concerned about is whether or not he likes you. I want to invite you to think about this differently…and this applies to ALL dating. Instead of focusing on whether or not he likes you, focus on whether or not he meets YOUR standards. By focusing on HIS feelings, you are completely ignoring YOUR experience, which is the most important by the way. You went on one date and it sounds like you had some fun together and that he was a nice guy. I get that you want a second date with him, but part of your standards needs to be that he initiates with you. Part of your standards needs to be that he has something natural and organic within him that wants to reach out and continue to get to know you. If he doesn’t have that, then he is not the right fit for you, no matter how much fun you guys had. I understand it may be confusing that a guy wouldn’t ask for a second date after having a lot of fun together, but that’s about HIS journey and not about yours. And HIS journey is not what you need to concern yourself with. What you need to concern yourself with are his ACTIONS. It’s pretty black and white here. He reaches out or he doesn’t for a second date. If he doesn’t, then that is something you need to know about him, right? It doesn’t matter why, ALL THAT MATTERS is that he didn’t reach out, so stop your mind from circling and circling and circling around the “why” behind his behavior and switch your perspective to “I want a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to know me. This guy is not initiating a second date, there is very little conversation happening so he isn’t making much effort to get to know me outside of being in person, so he is not for me.” Again, instead of looking at HIS feelings, focus on yourself and how you want to be treated. By focusing on whether or not he wants a second date with you, that is you putting your value and the choice in HIS hands, instead of staying empowered and making this about YOU screening him to see if he is good enough for you.
And I do want to say…it’s only been one date. You don’t know this guy, you don’t know his patterns, you don’t know anything…and you are already wanting to push things faster….just like you wanted to do with the last guy. It seems to be a pattern that you move very quickly. It seems to be your thing to quickly attach and make the guy your entire world and your entire focus. Would you say this is true? Let’s talk about this more.
I would suggest to 100% let this guy take the lead. If he doesn’t initiate, if he doesn’t ask you out again, then move on. DO NOT ask if he felt a connection. DO NOT ask for a second date. That is you being the initiator and that will come across 100% as needy, desperate, controlling, or too fast. His actions give you the answer. In the beginning of ALL dating, the actions are far more meaningful than any words. So if his actions are telling you that he doesn’t want to connect very much, he doesn’t call to talk, he doesn’t ask you out again…then you have your answer.
I hate this part of dating and it makes me mad that my time was wasted for 6 months this year :(. Awwww! You feel you wasted 6 months??? Listen Lisa, there is NEVER a wasting of time. The reality is, there is A LOT for you to learn. It seems like you are so focused on falling in love and finding your guy, that if it doesn’t have that result, then it’s a waste. View dating as a school. There is ALWAYS something to learn about yourself and that means that every single date has value in it. I have been on hundreds and hundreds of dates and you know why? Because my focus was always wanting to learn about myself, develop new skills, become a better connector, a better communicator, become more aware of my insecurities….so never once was a failed, lousy date a waste of time. Never once was a deeper experience with a guy that didn’t work out, a waste of my time. It’s about the journey, NOT the destination. If all you are interested in, is falling in love, then you are going to be MISERABLE dating. You are going to keep hating the confusion, the mixed messages, and the rejection. I would say to STOP dating, work with your therapist for a while and really get grounded in yourself and strengthen your self-esteem, work with your need to jump in and control, and then enter back into dating. It seems you put a lot of your value in THIER hands and that makes dating extremely painful. Rejection is part of this journey, however it is the greatest gift a guy could give you. Why? Because when a guy rejects you, it’s a GOLDEN opportunity to learn how to love yourself, choose yourself, and strengthen your inner connection with yourself. It’s through all of the rejections I had to deal with, that I was able to strengthen my connection with myself. Meaning, when a guy didn’t choose me, I learned how to choose myself. That’s how we stay empowered in the face of rejection. That’s how WE become the ones to determine our value and stop giving it to a guy to decide for us. That’s how we don’t lose ourselves in relationship and love. So when a guy is not behaving the way I want, or giving me enough attention, or making me feel not valued, instead of looking to him to fix how I feel, I know how to fix myself. I know how to address my own insecurities. I know how to let go of control and just let him be who he needs to be and then I decide from that place, whether or not it works for ME, and not the other way around.
I know I’ve said a lot here and hopefully it wasn’t overwhelming. What are your thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Anna!
So tell me more about your fears of flirting with him. What EXACTLY is the fear? What story in your mind is creating that fear? I think it’s a great idea to start practicing with him. Start small. Maybe a touch on the arm…maybe look a little longer at him while at work instead of looking away so fast. And I’m wondering why you feel “guilty” if he catches you looking at him. Where is the guilt coming from? Why guilt?
I get that neither of you have much experience in the romance department which is actually pretty fantastic!!! You both will have patience and understanding for each other as you guys navigate something completely new. Someone more experienced and comfortable would not be as patient, so you guys are actually a pretty great match!
The prospect of dating scares me a little, especially because I’m reluctant to settle for anything less than the deep connection I have with my guy I get that it scares you. Dating is actually pretty tough these days through the apps. Back in my dating days, everything was organic and happened naturally and it was soooooooo much more fun to date back then. Since the apps became the go-to for dating, it’s changed everything in a lot of ways that can be pretty upsetting. So first, I want to validate your nervousness about the idea. Second, I want you to think of dating NOT as a way to meet your “person” but instead like you are going to school. You have no experience in the romance department or going on dates, so just view dating as a way to educate yourself. It’s a place for you to learn how to deal with rejection, to learn how to say no and reject them, to learn how to communicate and set boundaries…I mean there are a gazillion relationship skills that can be developed and practiced while dating…all to help you get ready for whenever your “guy” is ready for you. Most of all, and MOST IMPORTANTLY, you will get to know a different side to yourself. You will discover insecurities, fears, strengths, how different guys view you, and how to navigate all of that while staying connected and loving to yourself first and foremost.
I would say for now, stay off the apps. It’s honestly a pretty tough game to play and not a way I would want someone with no experience to get exposed. How about joining some in person groups. Check out local Facebook groups or something like Meetup. Find local activities that you love doing, and go with groups of people. That way, there is no “dating” on the mind, you will practice meeting new people, and you can build confidence that way first. And keep your energy open to possibly connect with a guy at those activities. Do you like dancing? Maybe you could find a dance studio and start taking classes. Do you like dogs? I can’t tell you how many guys I have met because of my dog! Dogs are great ice breakers! My point is, your best bet to meet someone you can go on dates with, is go do the things you love to do and you will meet like-minded people, make new friends and expand your world.
What do you think?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Thank you for sharing more of your story! It really is beautiful how you both support each other so much!
Let’s talk flirting. I LOVE LOVE LOVE how much you are complimenting him and receiving his help and asking for his support. WELL DONE! Keep that up!!! FOREVER!!!! Do not ever stop doing that, as it is soooo so important for the man to feel like he has a purpose in his woman’s life. Flirting however, is more about heading into the territory of attraction. Flirting lets the other person know there is ATTRACTION….sexual, chemical attraction. Everything you are saying to him is about him as a person. Flirting would be more saying things about how he makes you feel, things you notice about him physically and most of all, letting him know that he affects you…that you want him. For example, saying something like, “I know I’ve never said this to you before because I get a little nervous, but I really love your eyes. Sometimes, when you look at me, I get butterflies.” Or…”Wow! You kinda look sexy today. I love the messy hair.” Do you see what I’m getting at? BUT…more than anything, it’s about the delivery MORE than the words. It’s your body language as you say something, your tone of voice, the look you give him, HOW you touch his arm. You actually don’t have to say anything and let your body speak for you and he will get the message. It may make him uncomfortable since he is awkward in the romance department, but personally…I think that’s a good thing. He needs to step up. From what you said, that side of him DOES exist, so he needs to step into it with you.
It’s really hard to explain flirting over this platform, but what I suggest is to watch some movies. Watch the body language of a woman who is flirting, what she says, how she sends him the message. It’s allowing the feelings you have for him to fill your body and then your body, your look, your smile, your touch tells him that story accompanied by a compliment or something you noticed about him. There are a ton of ways to flirt, so you need to find what feels comfortable for you….your unique way of flirting that feels like your personality. For me, I was an expert flirt. I knew all the different ways to get a guy’s attention. I knew how to be bashful and shy, I knew how to be strong and more aggressive / blunt, I knew how to play hard to get, I knew how to send the look and smile across the room….but I could be all of those things because I knew how to let the chemistry be free in my body so I could have the right kind of energy to be flirtatious. That honestly is the key…letting your feelings be free and allowing them to be expressed through your body. Does that make sense?
Here is a short video to maybe help you get started: https://youtu.be/sYYBJyo4hzo?si=LOVLVTiBE2CJVW9g
Let me know what you think. Let’s keep talking about this too! See if you can shift your connection with him to something more than friendship just through spicing it up a little. This may give him the courage to respond.
Lastly, it’s sooooooo important to understand that he just may not have the capacity right now. For a man, being the provider is one of the most important roles for him. He is doing it for his family right now and his career is in transition, so this is one of the BIGGEST, more CORE areas in a man’s life. In my experience, when a man does not have his career and provider role figured out (as an adult), his ability to be present and open to a deep relationship is just not there. Most men need to feel settled, rooted, and clear about this area of their life before settling in with a woman. So…he may feel like he needs to get his life figured out BEFORE feeling confident to invite you into that romantic side. You might need a lot of patience for a handful of months while he figures out his life. And that means, not sharing your feelings quite yet. That means letting him take the lead. That means, keeping the door open for other experiences as well. Go out and date and meet other types of guys. They won’t compare to your connection with him, but that’s okay! Dating is a GREAT way to get to know yourself, practice certain skills like communication, setting boundaries, dealing with different personalities, and just getting practice. You can keep connecting with your guy and being available, but don’t put your life on hold either.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Anna,
Welcome!!! Thank you for sharing your story! It’s actually quite a beautiful story. It sounds like you both have developed an incredibly powerful, authentic, supportive and nourishing connection. I love that you both get to feel something like this at such a young age.
I will be happy to share some of my thoughts and then you can decide what is best for you.
First, I’m wondering what is happening for him that he hasn’t made a move yet. It’s been quite a long time and for a guy NOT to want to take things to the next level with a woman he is so connected to…well, there is something “off” about that. He could be afraid, he could have some of his masculine energy damaged, so he is not very good at initiating and going after what he wants (this type of pattern can show up when the mother is VERY dominant, shaming, and critical) or….he just doesn’t feel that way about you (which I find hard to believe).
If he is afraid for some reason and doesn’t want to lose the friendship you guys have built (which is the same fear as you), then this can be a red flag. It’s sooooo important that each of us face our fears. If he doesn’t know how to do that, then fear will control his life and that doesn’t make for a very good partner in life. If his masculine energy (the initiator, the doer, the go getter part of him) has been damaged, then that also is a red flag. He could end up being more submissive, more co-dependent where he puts the decisions into your hands, and that is a very toxic pattern. By the way….you know him ONLY as a friend and I will tell you that I have seen this a gazillion times…people are great in friendships, but the moment it crosses over into romance, they become a much more difficult person to be with. Romance and love trigger things deep inside someone and activates so many dysfunctional patterns in all of us, so as much as you love him and feel like you know him, there is sooooooo much more you will never know until it crosses over into a romance.
Here is the thing Anna. There is something inherently valuable for the man to be the one who initiates. It’s an expression of his core energy. When a man initiates, it allows a woman to be in her feminine by being the receiver. If the woman initiates, it can get a little mucky because the roles get reversed. It puts the man in the receiving state and the woman in the initiating state and although it’s not the end of the world by any means, it IS something that can become a dysfunctional pattern.
I know you have super strong feelings for him, but let me ask you this. Wouldn’t it feel amazing to have him step up, look you in the eyes and say “I want to be with you. You are the most amazing woman and I can’t imagine going another day without being with you.” To have a man take initiative…to have a man face his fears and go for it…to have a man be vulnerable and express what he wants at the risk of rejection….well – there is something inherently important in that process for the man AND to have his woman witness his courage. When a woman doesn’t see her man be courageous and do the scary thing, face his fears, take initiative…it actually causes a woman to NOT feel safe with him and that, in and of itself, will slowly wear away at the relationship over time.
If he isn’t willing to face his fears right now and instead you initiate, then in a way, you are stealing a very important moment away from him. You are stealing a right of passage so to speak, which is an important process needed to enter into a relationship with a woman. “Courting,” although not a very prominent process used these days, is actually a very important process for both the man in the woman and sets them up in the most natural ways – the man being the initiator and the woman being the receiver.
So honestly, I would suggest NOT to say anything, because HE needs to be the one to initiate. And the truth is, if he never does…then that is something you need to know about him. He either doesn’t have feelings for you or he is being controlled by fear. Either way, it doesn’t work. He needs to fight for you if he wants to be with you.
What I would suggest instead, is to give him some clues about how you are feeling. Do you guys ever flirt with each other? Do you ever dress in a way that would get his attention? Do you ever hint at your attraction towards him? A guy sometimes just needs encouragement. I’m wondering that since you guys are such good friends, maybe the flirty, sexy side of you doesn’t ever come out with him or vice versa.
If you do decide you want to say something, what are you hoping to happen? I imagine you want him to admit to his feelings too and then you guys are in a relationship? If yes, how do you foresee that going with him moving away? Do you imagine being in a long distance relationship?
How far away will he be once he goes home?
Heidi
Hey there!
Welcome! I’m glad you are here asking a question you are very afraid of asking. I don’t blame you. After being married for 24 years, it’s a terrifying thought that things are not heading in the direction you want and there is a possibility of losing him. Good job for having the courage to ask this!!!
Do YOU have positive moments with him? What is the condition of your marriage? Are you intimate? What is your communication like? Do you have date nights?
Have you asked him about his behavior directly? Has he ever done this before?
Heidi
Hi Lona,
I want to encourage you to go VERY slow here. You both were in very long term relationships and the loss of those relationships is multilayered and FULL of all kinds of feelings and memories and healing from that kind of loss takes YEARS!!!
I’m wondering if you wanting to be his wallpaper picture has more to do with you avoiding the feelings of loss by focusing your attention on strongly connecting with him so he can fill that hole in your life where your husband used to be. Wanting to be someone’s wallpaper on their phone only after a month of dating is VERY fast for anyone. That is a potential red flag to me. Would you be willing to explore this?
Heidi
Hi Lona,
Welcome! We are glad you are here.
How long have you both been dating? I imagine not very long since your husband died only 7 months ago. How long were you married? I’m so sorry you are both dealing with major losses in your lives. It’s so incredibly difficult and grief is multilayered and everyone goes through those layers differently.
I’m wondering…what’s the rush? It sounds like he really enjoys being around you and with you. What do you think it means that he hasn’t put your picture as his wallpaper? The truth is, you will ALWAYS be compared to his late wife and he will be compared to your late husband. It’s just part of human nature. When he is ready, he will change the picture and the truth is, he may never do that. So what. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. So instead of wanting him to change to fit YOUR agenda, how about just accepting his choice and not putting a meaning on it that you are not special to him. For me, my last dog was my soul dog. He was the greatest and most powerful connection I have ever felt in my life. He died 2 years ago. I have a new dog that I love love love, but my last dog is the wallpaper on my phone. For now, it’s what I want. I enjoy seeing my last dog’s face, his eyes, the tilt of his head. It makes me smile. It does not diminish how much I love my current dog. Love is like a tree. The person is the tree trunk and each branch is love that goes out to a person. Some branches will dies off completely and some branches keep producing leaves and fruit. Love does NOT require all the other branches to dies off in order to focus on keeping one branch alive and fruitful. Love expresses itself differently according to who it’s interacting with, so that means your guy can love his late wife, you can love your late husband AND allow a new branch to grow for each other. One does NOT have to replace another. The heart is big enough, love is big enough to grow in many different directions and many different ways.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Haylee,
I thought I’d check in. What are your thoughts about what I said? Do you have any other questions? Have there been any new developments?
Heidi
Hi Haylee,
Welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like this is a pretty drama filled relationship. He sounds VERY unclear and that he is just playing games with you. The kinds of things you are explaining that he is doing, sound like he is staying connected in order to get money, use your car, and get your attention/affection.
The thing is Haylee, YOU are the one teaching him that it’s okay for him to treat you this way. It doesn’t sound like you have any boundaries in place for yourself. It sounds like he just does whatever he wants and you let him. Do you ever say “no” to him?
I know you feel like love exists between you guys. I know it feels like there is a strong connection. Unfortunately, that feeling is not enough. BOTH people have to be willing to make changes and work on how they treat each other and themselves, for a relationship to actually work – and it doesn’t sound like this guy is that kind of person. It sounds like this guy is being controlled by his addictions and that he really has not interest in caring about how he is affecting you. I’m so sorry you have to feel this from him. You deserve to be treated with respect, you deserve to be cared about, you deserve to feel like you matter, you deserve to have a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with….this guy is NONE of those things and you cannot make him be any of it. Your job, as hard and challenging as it is, is to accept him for exactly who he is instead of needing him to change. And in that acceptance, it means saying goodbye to the love you feel for him, because you care more about yourself and how you are treated. When you have respect and love for yourself and require that from others, people come into our lives that match that energy you project. Being that this guy is treating you as if you don’t matter (I don’t care what he says – his ACTIONS are say more than his words), then that is reflecting to you that you don’t think you matter either, because you are accepting his behavior.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
