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Oh my goodness! I would LOVE to come along 🙂 You are figuring it all out and it sounds wonderful!!! I can’t wait to hear about it! I get to vicariously live through you!
Heidi
Oh wow! What an awful, horrific thing to lose your daughter that way. That makes me sick to my stomach. How long ago did that happen? Did he ever get any help to process this traumatic loss? Has he ever worked with a specialist?
he has been very responsible with his kids yes he left them but he has always provided for them even into their adult life. Providing for them is VERY different than being in a good relationship with them. Either way, he has a lot to deal with.
My guess is, the anger coming at you sometimes is just a reflection of the anger he carries within himself. It would be natural for him to feel like he wasn’t able to protect his daughter. This is called projection. It’s when someone projects what they feel on the inside, onto someone else on the outside. Most people are not aware they are doing it and it’s much safer for them to point the finger at someone else than to face the baggage they are carrying.
His lack of eye contact has nothing to do with you being “disgusting.” That is YOUR story that you are putting on his choice, not his. It’s important for you to see that and recognize it. That is YOU projecting on him. There is some part of you that things/believes you are disgusting – and so you choose to think that he must think that too and that’s why he won’t look at you. Does this make sense?
My guess is, he isn’t looking at you because he is carrying so much shame/guilt inside and he just can’t take it anymore. He has a GIANT ball of darkness sitting inside of him and he is doing everything he can to manage that in the way that he knows how. He needs some help. Carrying something like that inside is meant to be dealt with delicately and with an expert who can guide him through how to handle it without breaking him into pieces. My guess is though, this is not something he will ever be willing to do – so he will just continue to manage it by keeping it buried and contained.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emma,
I love that you are a happy jolly person. I love that you want to set the tone of good communication with respect and forgiveness. This is definitely a very powerful way to approach any situation – he is very lucky to be connected to someone like you.
It sounds like you are just going to wait this out. You are going to stay positive and hope that if and when he decides he is ready to connect again, you will be there and you guys will talk about what it means to move forward. Am I understanding correctly?
It’s easy for a guy to say “don’t think about it too much or analyze everything I do.” Guys don’t get it. Our operating system is very different than theirs and we just don’t function that way. How can he expect you NOT to analyze your relationship when he has completely disconnected and won’t talk to you about anything? You have nothing else to do except try and piece the puzzle together with the little information you do have. His choice and how he is handling all of this is incredibly unkind and uncaring to you and the relationship and it doesn’t sound like he completely understands that. Either way, it sounds like you are going to just wait and you are at peace with that choice.
Heidi
Hi TavShad,
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge with us. It truly is awful to have to let go of someone you love. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this!
How come you guys broke up? It sounds like he may have been cheating on you and decided he wanted to be with that girl instead of with you. You were together for 3 years. Do you feel like HE was happy with you? Can you see any of the signs that he wasn’t happy with you before he broke it off?
I want to encourage you to stop contacting him. He has set several boundaries of which you are not honoring or respecting. All that tells him is that you are not listening to him and what he wants and you are going to just go after what you want. It causes him to not feel safe with you. You are stalking him on some level and that is never a healthy behavior and certainly will not get him back. It’s a type of obsession. You feel like you can’t live without him – I know it feels that way, but it’s not true. If you don’t know that you can find your happiness and peace and joy in your life WITHOUT him, then you are giving HIM all your power – and that becomes a very co-dependent connection – of which will never work or last. If he died, would you still be saying that? Would you spend the rest of your life in suffering and misery because he was gone?
He needs to know that you can be happy without him – and you need to know that too. Instead of you are constantly chasing him as if he is your only source of love. If you guys are ever going to get back together or even if you move on and find love elsewhere, as long as you keep relying on the man to make you feel happy, then your relationships will never last in any sort of healthy way. I imagine you would like to fall in love and have it be a beautiful, powerful, nourishing exchange, yes??? That takes work and VERY deliberate choices to take care of yourself and be 100% responsible for your own happiness – not relying on your guy to make you feel that way.
I know this is probably not what you wanted to here, but my guess is, your stalking / needy type of behavior is what is driving him away.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Annika,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this! It’s awful to watch your family fall apart and feel powerless to stop it. Of course you want to cry and plead for attention. It’s heartbreaking.
Let’s see if there is something we can figure out to help this go more smoothly. Would you mind explaining what happened 2 months ago? Was there a specific event that caused him to want to get a divorce?
I know you are not going to like this, but I am going to agree with him that your son is NOT a reason to stay together. You guys should stay together because you deeply love each other and want to work it out. If you don’t, of course it will affect your son, but he will be okay. As long as you are both supportive of him and there for him, you all can navigate this. It also would affect your son in a negative way to have his parents stay together when they aren’t happy. That choice has consequences for him as well, so either way, he is going to be affected by whatever you guys choose to do. It’s part of life though. Your son is going to face MANY disappointments in his life and it’s your job to teach him how to handle those disappointments in healthy ways. Make sense?
Would you guys be willing to see a therapist or coach? It can really help to get an expert view at your relationship and help you guys figure out what truly is best.
Heidi
First thing is, it’s really important to face your fears. Work with them instead of letting them run your life. Again…it’s a part of life that will always before and it steels our confidence in ourselves. You are so afraid of losing him that you are trying to do everything “right” but all of that is being sourced by fear. What if you faced your fear of losing him? What if you connected to a much bigger truth that YOU WILL BE OKAY if you lose him. And if that is true, then does it really matter what you do or how soon you contact him? If you KNEW in the depths of your cells that you are worth loving and fighting for, then you would be okay to just be yourself and not be so afraid of losing him. Yes, it would hurt if you lost him, but that hurt is only for a season. You will recover, get back up, heal and you will fall in love again. He is NOT the end all be all of your life. You may end up taking a longer journey with him or you may not. Either way, you will be okay and you will learn how to stay empowered and find your peace and joy no matter what.
If that’s your focus, then does it really matter how or when you contact him? When you make decisions from a place of confidence and alignment in the truth, it changes the energy of that choice. That’s what I want to encourage you to do…ALWAYS. First, really look at the feeling of what is sourcing your choice. If fear is involved, then you face it and work with it by identifying the lies of that fear and connecting more with the truth. When you can do that, THEN you decide what is best for you.
Your whole focus is on him and trying to make HIM comfortable. What about you? What’s more important than ANYTHING is that you have the strength to be yourself and if he isn’t able to love or appreciate the fullness of you (the light AND the dark) then he is not someone to go the distance with.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Melissa, how can you ever expect or ask him to forgive you if you won’t even forgive yourself? Remember, he is part of the equation as well. There are PLENTY things I could point out about HIS limitations that have put you guys in this spot. This is a “co-creation.” It is incredibly crucial for you to be kind and compassionate with yourself. You are doing the best you can, and sometimes it’s not enough – you are still going to let him down, miss signals, hurt him, disappoint him etc. It’s just part of our humanness, so you might as well learn how to embrace it instead of constantly punishing yourself. AND…he needs to learn how to deal with disappointment in a much more healthy way. He needs to learn how to communicate differently. He needs to learn how to get his own needs met when you can’t be there for him. He needs to learn how to forgive and release…and so do you! So he has A LOT of work to do as well! Hurting and disappointing the ones we love is NORMAL and to be expected – it is part of love.
Check out this website: https://eftuniverse.com/about/dawson-church/
This is another pretty popular tapping guy as well: https://www.thetappingsolution.com/nick-ortner/It’s a WONDERFUL technique!!!
Heidi
I love this! I think that in time (not right now), you just be honest and say “You know…we have talked about it a few times and I really thought about why I said I don’t like flowers. I guess I never really thought about it before because the men I have had in my life never got me flowers. After thinking about it, I realized that I said that because receiving something so beautiful and thoughtful, made me feel awkward. Kind of like “I don’t trust this niceness” or “I don’t deserve it.” So I realized that I really love flowers and my rejection of them was more of a coping/protective mechanism. I know it may seem like such a small thing, but having you in my life is really helping me see all kinds of ways I kept myself closed off to beauty and kindness – and I want to shift that. So if you feel inspired to bring me flowers, I want you to know that it will be the first time I’ve ever received them with an open heart…and I would love them!”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
The wording changes when you are able to connect more deeply with the truth. The words you chose came from a place of feeling like you messed up somehow and having judgment about your process. When you are able to recognize that, you can work with it! The first stage is just becoming aware of it…then you are empowered to make the changes needed so you can align with the truth. I’m glad that what I said resonated for you!
I’m not viewing that as an ultimatum, but if that part makes you uncomfortable, no worries! Leave it out! Just say what you need to say and see what he does with it. It may lead into a wonderful conversation, it may become a bit awkward, but whatever happens, it’s all good! What’s most important here is that when you say what you want to say, that it comes from the heart and you are not saying it to get something from him. Say it and let it go and let the moment unfold however it does. TRUST that you will be able to handle it.
As far as transitioning into another subject, if it does come to that, you can always lead into continuing whatever you guys talked about last time. He showed you a video, right? Is there a funny video you can show him? You can always say something like, “OMG! I saw this video and totally thought of you…..” Does that feel like a comfortable thing to do?
Heidi
Wow! Look at you traveling! Despite having a very difficult boss, you sure are taking advantage of seeing other parts of the world while you are there! Well done! It’s so much cheaper to travel places out there than to plan a trip from Canada, right? You are doing a great job expanding your world and filling yourself up with new adventures.
I’m excited to hear about Geneva!!!
Heidi
I love all the work you are doing!!! Love and relationships are the best teachers! Love exposes all kinds of insecurities, limitations, struggles and beliefs that sabotage connection. You are doing such an incredible job working with all of it. There are MANY more layers to sift through, so be patient with yourself. It’s truly a life long journey of learning.
I didn’t love him the way that I was suppose to. Because of my way of thinking. That he only saw the worst maybe not the worst but the not so good part of me. That I regret not showing him the best version of me! I’m over here just letting something good, a new opportunity just slip right through my fingers. I understand what you want to say to him, but I want to suggest saying it a bit differently. There is nothing to “regret” here. You were and are doing the very best that you can and those moments where you were limited NEEDED to happen so you can be here in this moment, learning how to be better. Regret is judgment and it’s a toxic feeling. I want to invite you to forgive yourself and let it go. There is nothing to “fix” and there is nothing to change. Stay in the present moment and be grateful for all those limiting moments bringing you here now. Your statement is full of judgment, so this is how I would suggest saying it:
“I look back and really saw a lot of my fear sabotaging our connection and limiting my ability to be open to love you deeply. Although I still have fear, I am learning to work with it differently. That means I want to face my fears. You are an incredible man and someone I truly want to value and appreciate and open my heart to. You inspire me to want to be a much better partner, a better lover, and a better friend. I know you experienced a lot of my negativity and the fearful side of me and of course, that side is part of all of us. I don’t want to live in that side of me anymore. I want to live in the happy side of me…with you. I want to live in the loving side. I want to live on the connective and open side. I want to live in my empowered side…with you. I may have caused too much damage and I understand if you would rather not take a chance with me again. Either way, I just wanted you to know that I am getting it. I’m a slow learner sometimes, but nonetheless, I am learning and facing myself and getting better at facing my fears.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
What I am struggling to come to terms with is that before this, I really was happy with myself, who I was as a person, and really kept my life full of joy even without him. Of course you felt this way because you were “connected.” Now that the connection is broken, you are facing having to create your happiness without that connection sourcing you….and that’s a process.
I know the pain you are in. Would you be willing to get a little help? There are way to reduce that pain and get you back onto your feet and feeling more grounded in truth. The pain and suffering you are feeling has a lot to do with the lies and programs you have running in your system. Lies like “I can’t be happy without him” “I should have done…..” “What’s wrong with me?” You know…all those looping thoughts that source the pain. When you work with those lies by identifying them, clearing them and then replacing them with the truth like “I am empowered to be happy with or without him” “I am enough” “I am worth loving and fighting for even if he doesn’t think so” the suffering/torture part of the pain is greatly reduced and you can start to function in your life again. You won’t feel lost. The truth is, you are not lost. You are exactly where you need to be right now and this moment, as horrible as it is, has many gifts for you. You are directionless, but that doesn’t mean you are lost. You are in a space of not knowing what is next for you, but it won’t be the last time you face this in your life. Getting comfortable and trusting yourself in the “unknown” is one of the greatest skills you could ever develop. You have to sit here for a while and be okay with the unknown, knowing it will end exactly when it is supposed to. You will get through this. I don’t know how or what will happen, but I do know you are capable of becoming stronger and more resilient as you learn to navigate this in a healthy way.
My coach would be fabulous for you to work with. She clears some very intense experiences for people sooooo quickly. If you are willing, she would be able to help you get back onto your feet very quickly. I am happy to send you her information. You can work with her over the phone or video. Would you like her help? I can email you her phone number. You can call and just set up a short conversation where you can see if you feel inspired by how she would work with you. If you feel like you would like to give it a try, then you set up your first appointment. If you feel like it’s not a good fit, then no big deal…you find someone else to work with. Let me know.
Heidi
I would say it that way then. When you say “you’ve closed the door” it insinuates that you are done with it…complete. And that just isnt’ true. Yes you had a breakthrough but you may discover as you start to become intimate, other feelings may come up. You are NOT done with this. There are energetic layers, spiritual layers, physical layers, emotional layers….you need to work through all the layers of all your systems, so you don’t want to lead him into thinking that you are complete with the abuse and that it won’t affect you again….because it will and there is no way to know when or how your feelings will come up again, but they will.
You can say something like, “I had a breakthrough in therapy and started the process of letting go of the grief, my anger and resentment. This opened the door for me wanting to start to be intimate with you again….”
If you want to send me the revised letter, I’d be happy to continue helping.
How are YOU feeling???
Heidi
Hi Joselin,
I saw your other post where you questioned what the hours are and how many coaches work here. My guess is, you are wanting faster response time, yes?
Sometimes, when one of us has a few interactions with one person, we like to just leave it to that coach since there are already a few exchanges.
I’ll go ahead and pop in here and share my thoughts. I hope that’s okay.
I agree that making your confession in person is much more powerful and effective. I love that step 1 worked well! It’s okay that it will be more than 2 days for point 2. It’s not a perfect process, so waiting until he comes to practice again is totally okay. Your last interaction was really positive so you can just keep building on that when you see him next.
What are you going to share with him when you see him next?
Heidi
Hi Emma,
I’m glad you guys are able to be cordial to each other. Maybe things will turn around, maybe they won’t. Who knows. Either way, you have a husband who isn’t willing to truly connect and work through things with you. Even if things do turn around, then what? You think that things will go back to normal? You are not going to trust him and part of you will not really feel safe with him because you never know when he may decide to disconnect again…because you know he is capable of that now. You want to “hope” things turn around and I understand that. You love him and you don’t want to lose him. The thing is, there is a lot of damage that has been done by how he is choosing to handle this, so it’s not like either of you can ignore the brokenness that is there.
So if he does come back, then what? What’s your plan? What do you expect from the relationship? What do you want?
Heidi
