Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I love all the work you are doing!!! Love and relationships are the best teachers! Love exposes all kinds of insecurities, limitations, struggles and beliefs that sabotage connection. You are doing such an incredible job working with all of it. There are MANY more layers to sift through, so be patient with yourself. It’s truly a life long journey of learning.
I didn’t love him the way that I was suppose to. Because of my way of thinking. That he only saw the worst maybe not the worst but the not so good part of me. That I regret not showing him the best version of me! I’m over here just letting something good, a new opportunity just slip right through my fingers. I understand what you want to say to him, but I want to suggest saying it a bit differently. There is nothing to “regret” here. You were and are doing the very best that you can and those moments where you were limited NEEDED to happen so you can be here in this moment, learning how to be better. Regret is judgment and it’s a toxic feeling. I want to invite you to forgive yourself and let it go. There is nothing to “fix” and there is nothing to change. Stay in the present moment and be grateful for all those limiting moments bringing you here now. Your statement is full of judgment, so this is how I would suggest saying it:
“I look back and really saw a lot of my fear sabotaging our connection and limiting my ability to be open to love you deeply. Although I still have fear, I am learning to work with it differently. That means I want to face my fears. You are an incredible man and someone I truly want to value and appreciate and open my heart to. You inspire me to want to be a much better partner, a better lover, and a better friend. I know you experienced a lot of my negativity and the fearful side of me and of course, that side is part of all of us. I don’t want to live in that side of me anymore. I want to live in the happy side of me…with you. I want to live in the loving side. I want to live on the connective and open side. I want to live in my empowered side…with you. I may have caused too much damage and I understand if you would rather not take a chance with me again. Either way, I just wanted you to know that I am getting it. I’m a slow learner sometimes, but nonetheless, I am learning and facing myself and getting better at facing my fears.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
What I am struggling to come to terms with is that before this, I really was happy with myself, who I was as a person, and really kept my life full of joy even without him. Of course you felt this way because you were “connected.” Now that the connection is broken, you are facing having to create your happiness without that connection sourcing you….and that’s a process.
I know the pain you are in. Would you be willing to get a little help? There are way to reduce that pain and get you back onto your feet and feeling more grounded in truth. The pain and suffering you are feeling has a lot to do with the lies and programs you have running in your system. Lies like “I can’t be happy without him” “I should have done…..” “What’s wrong with me?” You know…all those looping thoughts that source the pain. When you work with those lies by identifying them, clearing them and then replacing them with the truth like “I am empowered to be happy with or without him” “I am enough” “I am worth loving and fighting for even if he doesn’t think so” the suffering/torture part of the pain is greatly reduced and you can start to function in your life again. You won’t feel lost. The truth is, you are not lost. You are exactly where you need to be right now and this moment, as horrible as it is, has many gifts for you. You are directionless, but that doesn’t mean you are lost. You are in a space of not knowing what is next for you, but it won’t be the last time you face this in your life. Getting comfortable and trusting yourself in the “unknown” is one of the greatest skills you could ever develop. You have to sit here for a while and be okay with the unknown, knowing it will end exactly when it is supposed to. You will get through this. I don’t know how or what will happen, but I do know you are capable of becoming stronger and more resilient as you learn to navigate this in a healthy way.
My coach would be fabulous for you to work with. She clears some very intense experiences for people sooooo quickly. If you are willing, she would be able to help you get back onto your feet very quickly. I am happy to send you her information. You can work with her over the phone or video. Would you like her help? I can email you her phone number. You can call and just set up a short conversation where you can see if you feel inspired by how she would work with you. If you feel like you would like to give it a try, then you set up your first appointment. If you feel like it’s not a good fit, then no big deal…you find someone else to work with. Let me know.
Heidi
I would say it that way then. When you say “you’ve closed the door” it insinuates that you are done with it…complete. And that just isnt’ true. Yes you had a breakthrough but you may discover as you start to become intimate, other feelings may come up. You are NOT done with this. There are energetic layers, spiritual layers, physical layers, emotional layers….you need to work through all the layers of all your systems, so you don’t want to lead him into thinking that you are complete with the abuse and that it won’t affect you again….because it will and there is no way to know when or how your feelings will come up again, but they will.
You can say something like, “I had a breakthrough in therapy and started the process of letting go of the grief, my anger and resentment. This opened the door for me wanting to start to be intimate with you again….”
If you want to send me the revised letter, I’d be happy to continue helping.
How are YOU feeling???
Heidi
Hi Joselin,
I saw your other post where you questioned what the hours are and how many coaches work here. My guess is, you are wanting faster response time, yes?
Sometimes, when one of us has a few interactions with one person, we like to just leave it to that coach since there are already a few exchanges.
I’ll go ahead and pop in here and share my thoughts. I hope that’s okay.
I agree that making your confession in person is much more powerful and effective. I love that step 1 worked well! It’s okay that it will be more than 2 days for point 2. It’s not a perfect process, so waiting until he comes to practice again is totally okay. Your last interaction was really positive so you can just keep building on that when you see him next.
What are you going to share with him when you see him next?
Heidi
Hi Emma,
I’m glad you guys are able to be cordial to each other. Maybe things will turn around, maybe they won’t. Who knows. Either way, you have a husband who isn’t willing to truly connect and work through things with you. Even if things do turn around, then what? You think that things will go back to normal? You are not going to trust him and part of you will not really feel safe with him because you never know when he may decide to disconnect again…because you know he is capable of that now. You want to “hope” things turn around and I understand that. You love him and you don’t want to lose him. The thing is, there is a lot of damage that has been done by how he is choosing to handle this, so it’s not like either of you can ignore the brokenness that is there.
So if he does come back, then what? What’s your plan? What do you expect from the relationship? What do you want?
Heidi
Hi Joselin! There are 2 of us here and we check in on the community Monday through Saturday. Is there something you need or that we can help you with?
Heidi
I know it’s shocking. Your whole world has turned upside down. It happens to a lot of couples. Life is incredibly unpredictable and will throw curve balls that can easily destroy even the happiest of couples. Couples may lose a child, one person gets in an accident and becomes paralyzed, one person gets terminally ill and so on.
I want to really emphasize this and I hope you will really hear me Jessica. It really is important that you KNOW you can be okay without him. I know you are lost. There is a BIG danger in “HAVING” to get him back. The danger is that you don’t know that you can find happiness without him. I know you don’t want to of course, but not knowing you can is more like enmeshment and not knowing your own power and strength and happiness separate from him. This could be the best thing that ever happened to you guys. You both get to learn who you are separate from each other. You both have the opportunity to discover the gifts and your strengths in the midst of incredible heartbreak. You feel lost right now…so does he. Now you both get to find your own way and have the opportunity to connect more deeply with yourselves instead of looking to the other person as your compass. That is the opportunity you have right now if you choose to look at it that way. Otherwise, you will just stay lost and miserable and in suffering as long as he chooses to go his own way. If you rely solely on him to find your peace and happiness, then you will stay in a lot of pain as you are relying on him as your source. If you learn to source yourself separate from him, you will develop an inner strength that will carry you through life in a much more supportive way – even if you do get back together. Taking that path is what he needs as well – and maybe you guys can come back together even stronger than before.
His world got turned upside down and now he has to figure out who he is. Because of that, you are now in the same spot he is. Your world is turned upside down and now you have to figure out who you are. I hope you start to learn how to source yourself, heal, and connect more deeply with yourself. He needs to face the pain of the biggest rejection a father could ever do to his son. You need to face the pain of the greatest rejection a lover can do to their partner.There are not next steps really. He has made himself quite clear. If he reaches out, then you can decide in that moment what is best for you and what you would like to do. A lot can shift in 3 weeks, so trying to figure out what to do right now, is kind of a moot point.
So for 3 weeks, your goal is to discover that you will okay without him. You need to KNOW this about yourself. You need to learn to trust yourself that you can heal, even from this. You need to KNOW that your happiness lives within you and is your own responsibility. Him and other people come along and can add to it or take away from it, but it’s ALL yours and does not need to rely on anyone else except for yourself. This will not be the last time your life will fall apart. You could lose your job, you could lose a child, you could lose a parent, you could love your husband….loss is part of life, so learning how to handle it right now is important.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know that stepping into your pain and working with it to discover your strength and empowering yourself is NOT an easy path nor the one you want to take. I know it’s just so much easier to get him back and then you can feel like yourself again. We all want that, but life has other plans sometimes and if we are going to heal, we need to embrace it.
Does any of this make sense for you? Or do you just want to ignore all of this and strictly focus on getting him back?
Heidi
I also just want to say, it might be better to make the letter much shorter. It’s not unusual for a guy to get lost in so many words.
So to be honest, I probably would just make it 1 short paragraph and say everything only once. In this letter you have created, you have said the same thing a handful of times in different ways. How do you feel about making it super short and sweet and to the point?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
In regards to addressing you having “aha” moment as soon as he wants to leave, you can say something like “I know you don’t necessarily trust my “aha” moments and that they happen only when you leave. Of course that would be incredibly frustrating. I see that pattern too. All I can tell you is that I am working on it. I finally have a therapist and I am uncovering buried stuff that has caused me to be so unaware. I have someone who is helping me wake up and holding me accountable to a new level. I’m definitely a work in progress.
I am not writing this letter to you in order to convince you to come back to me. I am writing this so that you know I am seeing you and myself with much more clarity and I wanted to validate you and appreciate you. If we ever do get back together, I want it to be a very different experience for you. If we don’t, I understand. I trust that whatever happens, it will be the best for both of us – whether together or apart.”
Something to that effect might cover it.
I’ve closed the door on the anger, resentment, and grief of the abuse and I am ready to develop that with you. Help me understand what you are trying to communicate with this sentence. It seems important for you.
Heidi
Yes, the first version is much better. DO NOT send the 2nd version. I’m going to go through your letter and suggest a different way to say it and why. Take it or leave it, of course.
“Thinking about you so much and missing you. There are many things I wish I had seen unfolding and happening. There are many things I wish I could change, I made many mistakes. What “things.” It’s too general and he needs specifics if he is going to feel like you are actually understanding him. It’s unfortunate it had to take this happening for me to connect all the dots and make sense of it all. My health and the abuse that I had to face are incredibly big events that completely consumed me. I’ve never dealt with anything to this magnitude prior to getting sick. Had these two things not been as big and life impacting maybe I could have overcome them sooner. Nonetheless here we are. I would take this out completely. Again, you are talking about YOUR side of things and that’s not the focus here. I can feel a small part of you wanting to explain and defend yourself a bit. The more time I spend away from you, the more time I am really seeing how you were there for me, but I wasn’t there for you…in so many ways. I missed a lot of things. Again…too general. What “things?” Your needs went to the back, while my needs were on the forefront. I have had time to think objectively about everything and have a new clarity on the situation.
A relationship is a partnership, 50/50, a give and take. Relationships are not 50/50 actually. That’s ideal but rarely does it end up that way. I see this was not fair for you. They aren’t fair either. I suggest just taking this out and beginning with the next sentence here: I really want you to know that I deeply understand your frustrations about how I haven’t been there for you, both with your house and with showing you more affection and intimacy. I can see how you tried to tell me a few different times how you were not happy and your needs were not being met. This is great! It’s specific. And I don’t blame you. Instead say something like…I understand why you were not happy. You really supported me through my health challenges and ALL that brought into my life and now this sexual abuse thing came into the picture out of nowhere like a bulldozer that totally shattered my world. Be specific. HOW did he support you? I also would take out the “bulldozer that shattered my world. Again, there is a flavor of seeking his understanding of how hard this was for you. It became the elephant in the room that we didn’t talk about. I should have let you in more and shared the work I was doing, but sadly I was processing the best I could. Maybe take this out. No “shoulding.” That’s judgment. You did the best you could and so did he. Neither of you were enough for each other and that’s okay. Who’s to say that you sharing more would have made any difference anyways. The more you shared about your abuse, the more he might have felt burdened by your traumas. You deserved more communication from me. You deserved more of me creating time and focus on helping support you where you needed it. I was not there for you and I am incredibly sorry for that. I didn’t take the time to check in on you and see how you were doing. I didn’t ask what YOU needed. PERFECT! That’s specific and clear. That’s not who I am as a person and that’s not the kind of partner I want to be. I want to be a better listener. I want to support you not only through the good and bad times, but everything in between. Take out the first part where you say “that’s not who I am as a person.” It is who you were. It is how you chose to handle things and that’s okay too. You are learning a lot about yourself…both the amazingness and your limitations. Now you know you have the ability to NOT be a good listener sometimes. I want to get back to the core of us. The fun-goofy-intimate us. Staying up late listening to music, laying in bed all day naked, playing with the cats, Bloomington trips, Nashville trips, Asheville trips, going to shows. I want to develop a healthy sexual relationship as I continue to heal. I wouldn’t go here yet. This is you trying to help him remember the good stuff. Just wait on that a bit. I’ve finally closed the door on the anger, resentment, and grief of the abuse and I am ready to develop that with you. Careful with this. Abuse has a gazillion layers and you can’t just close the door to all these emotions. I’ve had all kinds of feelings show up about my abuse decades later. It will always be with you and it will always be there as an available trigger. Rape scenes in a movie, stories about children being molested, etc. It’s okay though. You are learning how to handle your triggers in a healthier way so WHEN you do get triggered down the road, you will be able to handle it much better. I suggest taking this out, because it insinuates you are done with it and that just simply isn’t true. I want you to feel like you get to exist with me and matter to me. I want you to feel appreciated, respected, cared for, and loved. There are several things I need to improve on and I really do see why you have been struggling for a while. I apologize my life events got in the way again and it took me this long to see the entire picture. I know you must be feeling worn out and tired of always supporting me. I see what you mean when you said the relationship seemed all about me. I didn’t get it at the time, but I do now. This is great! As much as I want to completely heal, I know it takes time. I’ve had a lot of layers to sift through and I am doing the very best I can and I always will. Take this out. Again…it’s about you. Every day I am working to be better for myself and for you, but I also know that I will mess up along the way. It’s being able to see that, admit my mistakes, grow, and change that makes the difference in the end. I am committed to that. It breaks my heart that I had to “wake up” by losing you. You got my attention in the only way you knew how. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I can’t change the past, so all I can do is move forward, learn, and become better. This is good. You are talking about your commitment to being better.
I love you so much. It’s impossible for me to even articulate how much. You are an amazing person. I deeply appreciate all you have done and sacrificed for me and our relationship. I hope to one day show you the same reciprocity because that is what you deserve. Thank you for your patience, tenderness, love, and teaching me these lessons. You have opened up my eyes, heart, and mind to how I can be a better friend, partner, and lover.” This is a great ending!
Thoughts on all of this? Does it make sense??
Heidi
I’m wondering…what are your ages?
I’m going to say something you may not like. We have MANY soul mates. Soulmates and “the one” kind of concept is actually no based in any kind of truth. “The one…for now” is what is more true. Soul mates are definitely deeper connections, but it doesn’t mean “forever” and it doesn’t mean they are the only ones. What if he died? Do you think you wouldn’t be able to fall deeply in love again? Love will never be the same with him as it would be with another man, but it doesn’t make it any less powerful with someone else. Love is like a tree. You are the tree trunk and you have branches that your love will grow. A branch will be alive and full of life and then there is an ending and that branch will go silent. Then you will meet someone new and a new branch will grow and develop life. That’s how people are able to love again after death, a breakup or some kind of loss. I’m telling you this because your belief that he is the ONLY ONE for you is going to keep you in pain and suffering.
I know you want to get him back and I know you want to talk about getting back on track with him. I want to guide you into letting go of that idea. He is in a HUGE, MASSIVE identity crisis right now and in an incredible amount of pain. All kinds of feelings are coming up right now that he never knew he had. His entire world feels different now. And you want to talk about your relationship? Can you imagine how that would feel for him? He is just doing everything he can to get his bearings right now. He needs help. He needs to work with a professional. He has no skillset or understanding about how to work through something like this and you nor anyone else can give him that kind of help. Sure, time will help lessen the pain, but it won’t actually help him heal the anger or abandonment or loss. All that stuff will just get buried, only to leak out in different ways down the road. That’s why he needs to work with a specialist who can help him learn healthy ways to deal with these very intense feelings he has.
So for right now, if your only goal is to get him back, I would suggest to not see him and let him have his space. I would let go of the idea of getting back together for right now. If you do want to talk to him, I would suggest that you let him take the lead. Let him talk about what he is ready to talk about and you just listen. He already knows how you feel. He already knows you want to get back together. But it’s important to understand that the life you had with him before, is gone. A big enough event has happened, that it changed him. He may have mood swings, he isn’t going to trust feeling happy, he may randomly get angry or frustrated…he is forever changed and may not be the kind of guy you want to be with anymore. It all depends on how he chooses to handle this…alone or with some help. So far, he is choosing the alone path, but maybe once he gets back home he will be open to getting some help. Talking about getting back together is not on the table right now. If you feel you can handle talking to him and just being supportive, then try that. Maybe him seeing you will soften his choice. You never know. But for now, the best thing you can do is be supportive and not ask for something from him that he cannot give you right now. Respect his choice. Let him ride this wave the way he wants you. His choices may hurt you, but that is also about you learning about him and what he is capable of. You may learn that who he chooses to become is not the kind of guy you want to build your life with. You may discover that he comes around and becomes even stronger and more healthy and he gets some help with this – and you guys come back together. I don’t know. What I do know is that each of us has a right to handle our lives the way we want, even if it hurts the ones we love. He gets to break up and he gets to rebel and he gets to be angry and he gets to ruin the best love he has ever had. And it’s important that you let him be that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
I understand everything you are saying and I understand you did not like what I had to say.
I know this behavior is a surprise to you. It’s not new for him though. He has left 3 children and 2 women to fend for themselves. He is a runner, like his father. I understand he has been with you the longest he has ever been with anyone and he has said you were the best thing that ever happened to him. The thing is, his core pattern of “running” will always be a part of him and it’s being activated right now. This “new” part you are seeing about him is not new to him. It’s not YOUR fault he is behaving this way. Yes, you were abusive with your anger and contributed to the situation, but in the end, each one of us is ALWAYS 100% responsible for how we choose to handle the situation. This is not all your fault. No one is to blame here as you BOTH created this situation.
The hard part about relationships – any kind of relationship – is that at any given moment, a person can change. I don’t care how much history you have with someone, there is ALWAYS that possibility something will switch inside of someone and they decide to up and leave or do something that changes the relationship. None of us have any control over that. That’s why love and relationships are such a risk…every single day. Our heart is in the hands of someone else and they could crush it at any given moment, they could throw it away, or they could hand it back to us and leave. I know felt your relationship was solid for a long time, but now it isn’t – so it’s important to embrace what is showing up right now. You are learning about a new part of him and what he is capable of.
Again, you asked how long you should wait. That’s up to you.
You asked about what it means to leave him alone. I think that you are figuring out what that means each day. He is not wanting to “talk” about anything other than little, simple stuff – like helping you with small things that you have asked for. It’s letting HIM initiate any conversation beyond that. No connecting, no talking, no friendship, no small talk, no anything other than being cordial around the house. It sounds like that is what you are doing already, so I’d say just keep that up and you are good to go. You may start to sense you can ask him questions about his day or something. All you can do is try and see what happens. He will either shut you down again or open up a little. I think for now, it’s a one-day-at-a-time kind of thing.
Even if he is waiting until retirement to leave, it sounds like you are not willing to set some boundaries, so you are just going to have to wait and find out. You are in a situation where he is 100% in control and you are just going to have to accept that this is what you are choosing and it’s going to be hard. At some point, I hope he will be willing to talk and open up, but in the meantime, all you can do is show him that you are not going to yell or throw things anymore and you are learning how to communicate your needs differently with him. Maybe after enough time of experiencing that, he will feel safe enough to open up with you.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh Jessica….my heart is breaking for you. I am soooo incredibly sorry you are having to go through this. It’s shocking. There are no words that can explain the deep pain and the hole that gets created. I wish I could make this pain go away and help you feel that everything is going to be okay. I have felt this kind of pain before and it takes your breath away. It’s all consuming. I remember I couldn’t eat, I constantly had tears and I was the most depressed I had ever been in my entire life. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.
First, I want to tell you that no matter what happens, you can heal. The pain is not forever and you will love again if it doesn’t work out. Life is fluid and full of all kinds of surprises. We all are able to heal from the deep losses of heartbreak, death, abandonment, betrayal etc. The worst heartaches in the world can and will be replaced by laughter again. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it right now. The guy that broke my heart actually came and stayed with me at my house for 3 months just last year. I hadn’t seen him in 10 years and there we were, sharing the same space again as he was moving to a nearby town and needed to crash on my couch for a bit. And you know what??? It was all okay! No hurt – just good connection and friendship. I healed. I know this doesn’t lessen your pain, but I am getting the idea into your psyche that no matter how things end up, YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!
Let’s talk about your guy. First, it’s incredibly important to understand that this has nothing to do with you. This is about his identity. He just lost his father to suicide and now his mom shows up “rich” and he is experiencing the ease of that kind of lifestyle, regardless of the kind of person she is or how she treats him. When you lose a parent, your identity changes and there is a hole that shows up that’s incredibly uncomfortable, even if the parent was abusive or critical. He also lost his father to suicide, which communicates to him that he wasn’t valuable enough in his father’s life to stay alive. So he basically is going through a very normal identity shift that is HUGE! And unfortunately, he is looking to his mom as a resource. It’s his only parent left. He is going to do everything he can to feel good and not have to feel the pain of the loss, the rejection, the abandonment, the hole. He is going to fill that hole up with every pleasure he can possibly find.
I know you want to be that resource for him. I know you want to help fill him up and support him through this. His mom is going to be more powerful and influential than you are because it’s his mom…a parent. Nothing can replace that. He KNOWS you are solid, and stable and have always been there for him. His mom has not, so his “little boy” energy that is in an incredible amount of pain right now wants to turn to “mommy” for comfort. Mom represents nourishment as an archetype. Even though she hasn’t been that way in his life, she is now in some sort of way and he is going to drink that up. My guess is, his mom is most likely bitter about love. She probably is filling his head with all kinds of nonsense and encouraging him to not have any ties and to go live his life. With her having money, she might be showing him what he “could” have. This is just a guess of course, but whatever she is feeding him, he is listening. I doubt he came to this conclusion of wanting to “create a new life” on his own. And with him be so vulnerable right now, he is desperate to connect with her. Does all of this make sense??
Please be kind to yourself. Begging and pleading is very normal. It’s shocking what he has done and anyone would have done the same thing. DO NOT allow your mind to go down memory lane thinking “if I had done moved in” or “if I just had done….” and think it would have changed anything. NOTHING you chose caused this. His dad’s suicide caused this. His mom is doing this. He is very impressionable right now and she is most likely taking advantage of that. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!! He is angry, confused, lost, hurt, depressed and every other feeling that exists. He is on a very normal rollercoaster ride of emotions that follow post suicide. He is going to lash out to the one he loves the most….you. I know this may not make sense, but it’s not unusual for a person to end things with the person they feel safest with and love the most. He just lost his dad to suicide. That’s abandonment. Very wounded, little boy energy will say “If my own dad abandoned me, then she will abandon me too. I can’t trust anyone.” And so the person will cut off and leave before they get left. He may or may not be aware of any of this, but it’s a very normal core, deep and many time subconscious belief system that is powerful and will destroy connection.
For right now, it’s good to give him space. When he comes back in 3 weeks, he is going to have a huge reality check. He needs to get away from his mom. He needs to feel his normal life again and face the pain he is avoiding right now. My guess is, he will still hold firm on his choice. This is an all consuming thing he is going through and he will not have much capacity for you. That’s my guess at least. I could be wrong. But for now, I want to encourage you to get grounded and find your calm and connection with yourself. This is going to be a very rocky road ahead and I don’t want you to get lost in HIS pain. You need to stay grounded in yourself, take care of yourself and keep moving forward in your life. It’s a one day at a time kind of thing right now. He doesn’t even know how tomorrow is going to feel because his entire world just got upended. So don’t expect much from him.
I know I have said a lot, so I’m going to stop here and just let you process and ask your questions and we’ll go from there.
I’m sending you a lot of energy for restoration, regeneration and clarity.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand your need to want to say something like that in the letter, but I would advise against it. Even if you mean to make “excuses” it will come across that way, regardless. And…even though you are handling both events differently, HIS experience is still the same, so from HIS perspective, they aren’t necessarily 2 different events…it’s all the same to him. It’s him taking care of you and supporting you, at the expense of himself because you are dealing with some kind of challenge or trauma. Both events are incredibly BIG so they are the same in the sense they are both all consuming for you which impacts him. Does this make sense?
The letter needs to VALIDATE and APPRECIATE. That’s your focus. No explaining your side of things. No explaining your realizations. No explaining any details about “why” or “what” or anything of that nature. Simply VALIDATE and APPRECIATE.
“I want to just let you know that I am deeply grateful for all you have done to be there for me. My health and the abuse that I have had to face are incredibly big events that completely consumed me. The more I spend time away from you, the more I am really seeing how you were there for me, but I wasn’t there for you…in so many different ways. I missed a lot of things. Although I did the very best I could and still am, I am really seeing that it wasn’t enough for you. I understand. Your needs went to the back, while my needs were on the forefront. I am so sorry for that. You deserved a lot more from me. You deserved more of my attention. You deserved more communication from me. You deserved more of me creating time and focus on helping support you where you needed it. You deserved so much more affection and appreciation for being such incredible support. I really can see why you didn’t feel happy – I wouldn’t feel happy if I were you either. It breaks my heart that I had to “wake up” by losing you. You got my attention in the only way you knew how. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I can’t change the past, so all I can do is move forward, learn and become better….”
Does this make sense?
Heidi
