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Hi Melissa,
In regards to addressing you having “aha” moment as soon as he wants to leave, you can say something like “I know you don’t necessarily trust my “aha” moments and that they happen only when you leave. Of course that would be incredibly frustrating. I see that pattern too. All I can tell you is that I am working on it. I finally have a therapist and I am uncovering buried stuff that has caused me to be so unaware. I have someone who is helping me wake up and holding me accountable to a new level. I’m definitely a work in progress.
I am not writing this letter to you in order to convince you to come back to me. I am writing this so that you know I am seeing you and myself with much more clarity and I wanted to validate you and appreciate you. If we ever do get back together, I want it to be a very different experience for you. If we don’t, I understand. I trust that whatever happens, it will be the best for both of us – whether together or apart.”
Something to that effect might cover it.
I’ve closed the door on the anger, resentment, and grief of the abuse and I am ready to develop that with you. Help me understand what you are trying to communicate with this sentence. It seems important for you.
Heidi
Yes, the first version is much better. DO NOT send the 2nd version. I’m going to go through your letter and suggest a different way to say it and why. Take it or leave it, of course.
“Thinking about you so much and missing you. There are many things I wish I had seen unfolding and happening. There are many things I wish I could change, I made many mistakes. What “things.” It’s too general and he needs specifics if he is going to feel like you are actually understanding him. It’s unfortunate it had to take this happening for me to connect all the dots and make sense of it all. My health and the abuse that I had to face are incredibly big events that completely consumed me. I’ve never dealt with anything to this magnitude prior to getting sick. Had these two things not been as big and life impacting maybe I could have overcome them sooner. Nonetheless here we are. I would take this out completely. Again, you are talking about YOUR side of things and that’s not the focus here. I can feel a small part of you wanting to explain and defend yourself a bit. The more time I spend away from you, the more time I am really seeing how you were there for me, but I wasn’t there for you…in so many ways. I missed a lot of things. Again…too general. What “things?” Your needs went to the back, while my needs were on the forefront. I have had time to think objectively about everything and have a new clarity on the situation.
A relationship is a partnership, 50/50, a give and take. Relationships are not 50/50 actually. That’s ideal but rarely does it end up that way. I see this was not fair for you. They aren’t fair either. I suggest just taking this out and beginning with the next sentence here: I really want you to know that I deeply understand your frustrations about how I haven’t been there for you, both with your house and with showing you more affection and intimacy. I can see how you tried to tell me a few different times how you were not happy and your needs were not being met. This is great! It’s specific. And I don’t blame you. Instead say something like…I understand why you were not happy. You really supported me through my health challenges and ALL that brought into my life and now this sexual abuse thing came into the picture out of nowhere like a bulldozer that totally shattered my world. Be specific. HOW did he support you? I also would take out the “bulldozer that shattered my world. Again, there is a flavor of seeking his understanding of how hard this was for you. It became the elephant in the room that we didn’t talk about. I should have let you in more and shared the work I was doing, but sadly I was processing the best I could. Maybe take this out. No “shoulding.” That’s judgment. You did the best you could and so did he. Neither of you were enough for each other and that’s okay. Who’s to say that you sharing more would have made any difference anyways. The more you shared about your abuse, the more he might have felt burdened by your traumas. You deserved more communication from me. You deserved more of me creating time and focus on helping support you where you needed it. I was not there for you and I am incredibly sorry for that. I didn’t take the time to check in on you and see how you were doing. I didn’t ask what YOU needed. PERFECT! That’s specific and clear. That’s not who I am as a person and that’s not the kind of partner I want to be. I want to be a better listener. I want to support you not only through the good and bad times, but everything in between. Take out the first part where you say “that’s not who I am as a person.” It is who you were. It is how you chose to handle things and that’s okay too. You are learning a lot about yourself…both the amazingness and your limitations. Now you know you have the ability to NOT be a good listener sometimes. I want to get back to the core of us. The fun-goofy-intimate us. Staying up late listening to music, laying in bed all day naked, playing with the cats, Bloomington trips, Nashville trips, Asheville trips, going to shows. I want to develop a healthy sexual relationship as I continue to heal. I wouldn’t go here yet. This is you trying to help him remember the good stuff. Just wait on that a bit. I’ve finally closed the door on the anger, resentment, and grief of the abuse and I am ready to develop that with you. Careful with this. Abuse has a gazillion layers and you can’t just close the door to all these emotions. I’ve had all kinds of feelings show up about my abuse decades later. It will always be with you and it will always be there as an available trigger. Rape scenes in a movie, stories about children being molested, etc. It’s okay though. You are learning how to handle your triggers in a healthier way so WHEN you do get triggered down the road, you will be able to handle it much better. I suggest taking this out, because it insinuates you are done with it and that just simply isn’t true. I want you to feel like you get to exist with me and matter to me. I want you to feel appreciated, respected, cared for, and loved. There are several things I need to improve on and I really do see why you have been struggling for a while. I apologize my life events got in the way again and it took me this long to see the entire picture. I know you must be feeling worn out and tired of always supporting me. I see what you mean when you said the relationship seemed all about me. I didn’t get it at the time, but I do now. This is great! As much as I want to completely heal, I know it takes time. I’ve had a lot of layers to sift through and I am doing the very best I can and I always will. Take this out. Again…it’s about you. Every day I am working to be better for myself and for you, but I also know that I will mess up along the way. It’s being able to see that, admit my mistakes, grow, and change that makes the difference in the end. I am committed to that. It breaks my heart that I had to “wake up” by losing you. You got my attention in the only way you knew how. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I can’t change the past, so all I can do is move forward, learn, and become better. This is good. You are talking about your commitment to being better.
I love you so much. It’s impossible for me to even articulate how much. You are an amazing person. I deeply appreciate all you have done and sacrificed for me and our relationship. I hope to one day show you the same reciprocity because that is what you deserve. Thank you for your patience, tenderness, love, and teaching me these lessons. You have opened up my eyes, heart, and mind to how I can be a better friend, partner, and lover.” This is a great ending!
Thoughts on all of this? Does it make sense??
Heidi
I’m wondering…what are your ages?
I’m going to say something you may not like. We have MANY soul mates. Soulmates and “the one” kind of concept is actually no based in any kind of truth. “The one…for now” is what is more true. Soul mates are definitely deeper connections, but it doesn’t mean “forever” and it doesn’t mean they are the only ones. What if he died? Do you think you wouldn’t be able to fall deeply in love again? Love will never be the same with him as it would be with another man, but it doesn’t make it any less powerful with someone else. Love is like a tree. You are the tree trunk and you have branches that your love will grow. A branch will be alive and full of life and then there is an ending and that branch will go silent. Then you will meet someone new and a new branch will grow and develop life. That’s how people are able to love again after death, a breakup or some kind of loss. I’m telling you this because your belief that he is the ONLY ONE for you is going to keep you in pain and suffering.
I know you want to get him back and I know you want to talk about getting back on track with him. I want to guide you into letting go of that idea. He is in a HUGE, MASSIVE identity crisis right now and in an incredible amount of pain. All kinds of feelings are coming up right now that he never knew he had. His entire world feels different now. And you want to talk about your relationship? Can you imagine how that would feel for him? He is just doing everything he can to get his bearings right now. He needs help. He needs to work with a professional. He has no skillset or understanding about how to work through something like this and you nor anyone else can give him that kind of help. Sure, time will help lessen the pain, but it won’t actually help him heal the anger or abandonment or loss. All that stuff will just get buried, only to leak out in different ways down the road. That’s why he needs to work with a specialist who can help him learn healthy ways to deal with these very intense feelings he has.
So for right now, if your only goal is to get him back, I would suggest to not see him and let him have his space. I would let go of the idea of getting back together for right now. If you do want to talk to him, I would suggest that you let him take the lead. Let him talk about what he is ready to talk about and you just listen. He already knows how you feel. He already knows you want to get back together. But it’s important to understand that the life you had with him before, is gone. A big enough event has happened, that it changed him. He may have mood swings, he isn’t going to trust feeling happy, he may randomly get angry or frustrated…he is forever changed and may not be the kind of guy you want to be with anymore. It all depends on how he chooses to handle this…alone or with some help. So far, he is choosing the alone path, but maybe once he gets back home he will be open to getting some help. Talking about getting back together is not on the table right now. If you feel you can handle talking to him and just being supportive, then try that. Maybe him seeing you will soften his choice. You never know. But for now, the best thing you can do is be supportive and not ask for something from him that he cannot give you right now. Respect his choice. Let him ride this wave the way he wants you. His choices may hurt you, but that is also about you learning about him and what he is capable of. You may learn that who he chooses to become is not the kind of guy you want to build your life with. You may discover that he comes around and becomes even stronger and more healthy and he gets some help with this – and you guys come back together. I don’t know. What I do know is that each of us has a right to handle our lives the way we want, even if it hurts the ones we love. He gets to break up and he gets to rebel and he gets to be angry and he gets to ruin the best love he has ever had. And it’s important that you let him be that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
I understand everything you are saying and I understand you did not like what I had to say.
I know this behavior is a surprise to you. It’s not new for him though. He has left 3 children and 2 women to fend for themselves. He is a runner, like his father. I understand he has been with you the longest he has ever been with anyone and he has said you were the best thing that ever happened to him. The thing is, his core pattern of “running” will always be a part of him and it’s being activated right now. This “new” part you are seeing about him is not new to him. It’s not YOUR fault he is behaving this way. Yes, you were abusive with your anger and contributed to the situation, but in the end, each one of us is ALWAYS 100% responsible for how we choose to handle the situation. This is not all your fault. No one is to blame here as you BOTH created this situation.
The hard part about relationships – any kind of relationship – is that at any given moment, a person can change. I don’t care how much history you have with someone, there is ALWAYS that possibility something will switch inside of someone and they decide to up and leave or do something that changes the relationship. None of us have any control over that. That’s why love and relationships are such a risk…every single day. Our heart is in the hands of someone else and they could crush it at any given moment, they could throw it away, or they could hand it back to us and leave. I know felt your relationship was solid for a long time, but now it isn’t – so it’s important to embrace what is showing up right now. You are learning about a new part of him and what he is capable of.
Again, you asked how long you should wait. That’s up to you.
You asked about what it means to leave him alone. I think that you are figuring out what that means each day. He is not wanting to “talk” about anything other than little, simple stuff – like helping you with small things that you have asked for. It’s letting HIM initiate any conversation beyond that. No connecting, no talking, no friendship, no small talk, no anything other than being cordial around the house. It sounds like that is what you are doing already, so I’d say just keep that up and you are good to go. You may start to sense you can ask him questions about his day or something. All you can do is try and see what happens. He will either shut you down again or open up a little. I think for now, it’s a one-day-at-a-time kind of thing.
Even if he is waiting until retirement to leave, it sounds like you are not willing to set some boundaries, so you are just going to have to wait and find out. You are in a situation where he is 100% in control and you are just going to have to accept that this is what you are choosing and it’s going to be hard. At some point, I hope he will be willing to talk and open up, but in the meantime, all you can do is show him that you are not going to yell or throw things anymore and you are learning how to communicate your needs differently with him. Maybe after enough time of experiencing that, he will feel safe enough to open up with you.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh Jessica….my heart is breaking for you. I am soooo incredibly sorry you are having to go through this. It’s shocking. There are no words that can explain the deep pain and the hole that gets created. I wish I could make this pain go away and help you feel that everything is going to be okay. I have felt this kind of pain before and it takes your breath away. It’s all consuming. I remember I couldn’t eat, I constantly had tears and I was the most depressed I had ever been in my entire life. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.
First, I want to tell you that no matter what happens, you can heal. The pain is not forever and you will love again if it doesn’t work out. Life is fluid and full of all kinds of surprises. We all are able to heal from the deep losses of heartbreak, death, abandonment, betrayal etc. The worst heartaches in the world can and will be replaced by laughter again. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel, even if you can’t see it right now. The guy that broke my heart actually came and stayed with me at my house for 3 months just last year. I hadn’t seen him in 10 years and there we were, sharing the same space again as he was moving to a nearby town and needed to crash on my couch for a bit. And you know what??? It was all okay! No hurt – just good connection and friendship. I healed. I know this doesn’t lessen your pain, but I am getting the idea into your psyche that no matter how things end up, YOU WILL BE OKAY!!!
Let’s talk about your guy. First, it’s incredibly important to understand that this has nothing to do with you. This is about his identity. He just lost his father to suicide and now his mom shows up “rich” and he is experiencing the ease of that kind of lifestyle, regardless of the kind of person she is or how she treats him. When you lose a parent, your identity changes and there is a hole that shows up that’s incredibly uncomfortable, even if the parent was abusive or critical. He also lost his father to suicide, which communicates to him that he wasn’t valuable enough in his father’s life to stay alive. So he basically is going through a very normal identity shift that is HUGE! And unfortunately, he is looking to his mom as a resource. It’s his only parent left. He is going to do everything he can to feel good and not have to feel the pain of the loss, the rejection, the abandonment, the hole. He is going to fill that hole up with every pleasure he can possibly find.
I know you want to be that resource for him. I know you want to help fill him up and support him through this. His mom is going to be more powerful and influential than you are because it’s his mom…a parent. Nothing can replace that. He KNOWS you are solid, and stable and have always been there for him. His mom has not, so his “little boy” energy that is in an incredible amount of pain right now wants to turn to “mommy” for comfort. Mom represents nourishment as an archetype. Even though she hasn’t been that way in his life, she is now in some sort of way and he is going to drink that up. My guess is, his mom is most likely bitter about love. She probably is filling his head with all kinds of nonsense and encouraging him to not have any ties and to go live his life. With her having money, she might be showing him what he “could” have. This is just a guess of course, but whatever she is feeding him, he is listening. I doubt he came to this conclusion of wanting to “create a new life” on his own. And with him be so vulnerable right now, he is desperate to connect with her. Does all of this make sense??
Please be kind to yourself. Begging and pleading is very normal. It’s shocking what he has done and anyone would have done the same thing. DO NOT allow your mind to go down memory lane thinking “if I had done moved in” or “if I just had done….” and think it would have changed anything. NOTHING you chose caused this. His dad’s suicide caused this. His mom is doing this. He is very impressionable right now and she is most likely taking advantage of that. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!! He is angry, confused, lost, hurt, depressed and every other feeling that exists. He is on a very normal rollercoaster ride of emotions that follow post suicide. He is going to lash out to the one he loves the most….you. I know this may not make sense, but it’s not unusual for a person to end things with the person they feel safest with and love the most. He just lost his dad to suicide. That’s abandonment. Very wounded, little boy energy will say “If my own dad abandoned me, then she will abandon me too. I can’t trust anyone.” And so the person will cut off and leave before they get left. He may or may not be aware of any of this, but it’s a very normal core, deep and many time subconscious belief system that is powerful and will destroy connection.
For right now, it’s good to give him space. When he comes back in 3 weeks, he is going to have a huge reality check. He needs to get away from his mom. He needs to feel his normal life again and face the pain he is avoiding right now. My guess is, he will still hold firm on his choice. This is an all consuming thing he is going through and he will not have much capacity for you. That’s my guess at least. I could be wrong. But for now, I want to encourage you to get grounded and find your calm and connection with yourself. This is going to be a very rocky road ahead and I don’t want you to get lost in HIS pain. You need to stay grounded in yourself, take care of yourself and keep moving forward in your life. It’s a one day at a time kind of thing right now. He doesn’t even know how tomorrow is going to feel because his entire world just got upended. So don’t expect much from him.
I know I have said a lot, so I’m going to stop here and just let you process and ask your questions and we’ll go from there.
I’m sending you a lot of energy for restoration, regeneration and clarity.
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
I understand your need to want to say something like that in the letter, but I would advise against it. Even if you mean to make “excuses” it will come across that way, regardless. And…even though you are handling both events differently, HIS experience is still the same, so from HIS perspective, they aren’t necessarily 2 different events…it’s all the same to him. It’s him taking care of you and supporting you, at the expense of himself because you are dealing with some kind of challenge or trauma. Both events are incredibly BIG so they are the same in the sense they are both all consuming for you which impacts him. Does this make sense?
The letter needs to VALIDATE and APPRECIATE. That’s your focus. No explaining your side of things. No explaining your realizations. No explaining any details about “why” or “what” or anything of that nature. Simply VALIDATE and APPRECIATE.
“I want to just let you know that I am deeply grateful for all you have done to be there for me. My health and the abuse that I have had to face are incredibly big events that completely consumed me. The more I spend time away from you, the more I am really seeing how you were there for me, but I wasn’t there for you…in so many different ways. I missed a lot of things. Although I did the very best I could and still am, I am really seeing that it wasn’t enough for you. I understand. Your needs went to the back, while my needs were on the forefront. I am so sorry for that. You deserved a lot more from me. You deserved more of my attention. You deserved more communication from me. You deserved more of me creating time and focus on helping support you where you needed it. You deserved so much more affection and appreciation for being such incredible support. I really can see why you didn’t feel happy – I wouldn’t feel happy if I were you either. It breaks my heart that I had to “wake up” by losing you. You got my attention in the only way you knew how. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I can’t change the past, so all I can do is move forward, learn and become better….”
Does this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Sandra,
It’s great to hear from you.
I understand your confusion and all of your questions. You want to do things the “right” way. The thing is, there is no “right” way. Each person and situation is unique and trying to heal a relationship is a creative process. That means it’s a hit or miss kind of thing sometimes. Sometimes your efforts will work well and sometimes they may cause more damage. The biggest issue I see here is that you are the only one trying to work this out. What is he doing to help heal the connection? No matter what you do or the techniques you try, it doesn’t change the core of who he is and how chooses to handle stress. “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.” You can lead him into connection all you want, but you cannot make him want to connect. I don’t know what’s happening deep inside of his heart, but I do know that it’s pretty unkind of him to expect you to just sit and wait in silence, especially living in the same place and especially with no end date. 1 month? 3 months? 10 months? Nope. That is not okay. He is not facing anything, he is not actively working on anything – he is just expecting you to give him space and leave it at that.
You ask how long you should wait. That’s up to you. How long you wait is a very personal decision. For me, I would only wait a few days before expecting to talk things through again. I am not okay being in a relationship where my partner isn’t actively involved and communicating WITH me through our challenges. If my partner asked me to give him space with no end in site, I personally would set some boundaries and create my own end date. If he wasn’t ready to talk things through by that date, then I would take his choice as a way of telling me he isn’t interested in working things out and it’s time to move on. Again, it is INCREDIBLY unkind to just ask to be left alone for however long he feels like. That is NOT partnership and nor does anything get solved or healed that way. He is just avoiding everything and he is asking you to do the same. So it’s up to you how you want to approach this. If you want to continue to support his choice, then stay silent and your relationship will eventually end at some point. If you want to talk about things and set a boundary, you are risking the end of the relationship, but at least there is movement instead of this stagnation and guessing game you are playing with him. You have been together for so darn long and you can’t even ask him these questions you are asking me here??? Doesn’t that raise some big red flags for you? He wants you to give him space for maybe 10 months??? What kind of “partner” does that? I don’t care what you have done. You BOTH have caused a lot of hurt over the years. So what. We ALL bring our baggage to the relationship and we ALL have to work through it TOGETHER if anything is going to work. For him to do this silent treatment and step out of the relationship in the way he is, he is pretty much telling you he isn’t interested in working on anything.
I’m being quite blunt here and I’m so sorry! I know this is incredibly hard to face. Your gut feeling about what he is doing is probably true on some level. Either way, he is looking out ONLY for himself right now, which leaves you alone. This means, you need to start taking care of yourself and deciding what is right for YOU. He is not being a partner right now, so you need to decide what YOU want and are willing to deal with. You either accept his terms and stay silent and play a ton of guessing games because you don’t want to anger him or push him away further, or you decide that you want to exist and matter in a relationship and he either needs to step up or it’s time to part ways. I know you guys have MANY MANY years together and that’s incredibly difficult to let go of. At the same time, it’s a lot of torture and rejection for you to live with, every single day, to be with a man who isn’t interested in fighting for the relationship. Either way, you are alone. Personally, I think it’s much worse and much more damaging to the spirit to be in a partnership where you feel alone than to just be single and alone.
You have a lot to think about, so let me know your thoughts and how you would like to proceed.
Heidi
Hi Daura!
I’m glad he called. It sounds like he was busy.
I do want to re-iterate what Spyce mentioned before. When we choose to let someone deeper into our hearts, the most important thing we need to look for is how they handle stress. Who they are in their worst is what will make or break the relationship. What are they like when they are angry? How do they treat you when you hurt them? How do they handle stress from work? What you know already from this guy, is he “stonewalls” you. Basically he disappears and you are left to wonder what the heck happened. Here is a basic guideline to follow. 1 time is just 1 time. 2 times is a weak pattern and 3 times is a strong pattern. So far, he has disconnected 2 times and I guarantee he will do it again and again and again. This is his coping mechanism and he has been doing it since he was a child. You can make all kinds of excuses for him like his company got taken over or he had to work 2 shifts, but this day in age, it takes less than 10 seconds to send a text saying “I’m super stressed and just need a bit of time to deal with some work stuff. I need some space for a bit. I’ll reach out when I have figured things out.” Or “I’m really stressed so I’m not very talkative right now. It’s not about you. I don’t want to talk right now, but wanted to say good night.”
His consistent communication so far, other than the other time, really gives me a sense of ease. This is true, until it isn’t. He isn’t consistent. It’s happened 2x so far and in big ways. Enough so, that you are here trying to find “tricks and techniques” to deal with it. This is a MAJOR red flag, yet you want to ignore it. He is showing you that he disappears and disconnects when his life becomes stressful enough. So when you guys get into an argument, he will disconnect until he is ready to talk and who knows how long that will take. Is that really the kind of partner you want to go through challenges with? He may be wonderful in sooooo many other ways, but this type of coping mechanism means that fundamentally and at the foundation, you won’t feel emotionally safe with him, because he isn’t a good partner when it comes to working through challenges TOGETHER. He will bail and go take care of himself, leaving you.
Spyce and I are REALLY emphasizing this because he has a pattern that is destructive and ruins intimacy. You are still at the beginning of the relationship and not completely hooked in to where a lot of damage has been done. We are waiving red flags here and want you to be aware of what you are stepping into. Of course you still get to do what you want. I have stepped into many relationships with red flags that I knew I was ignoring. I wanted the connection so badly that I was willing to deal with the mess later on. 100% of the time, there was a mess and I was never surprised…I also have wished many times I was strong enough in the beginning to say no – because the hurt was never worth the connection I chose in the beginning. Just something to think about.
Heidi
I don’t depend on him solely to support me through this process. I absolutely see this. You are doing an incredible job with how you are helping yourself through this. I didn’t mean to imply that you solely depend on him. I just meant that it’s VERY natural to want the man you are with and the people closes to you to understand DEEPLY what you are going through. I have been through this as well and for a while, I wanted the people closest to me to join me in the shock and healing journey. The thing is, your guy is pretty limited right now, so I was just saying that it’s best that you do not depend or need this from him at all. At least for right now. Right now, he just isn’t going to be there for you in the way you want him to and I feel like you are really starting to understand that. It’s not your fault. This is about HIS limitation as well. Another thing you have to understand is that men tend to take it quite personally when their woman isn’t happy. Over the years, I have learned that I need to be a bit careful with who I share my past with, because it can trigger them into a feeling of powerlessness inadvertently. I have no doubt he felt powerless when you were sick and he couldn’t fix you or make you feel better. Now…it’s happening again. He can’t stop your pain. He can’t fix your hurt. He can’t make you feel better. Powerlessness is an incredibly difficult emotion to deal with. The majority of people run from it and bury it and shut down, which is what he is doing. I highly doubt he is even aware that he is feeling this. All he knows is he is tapped out, but I doubt he understands all the layers that exist within that. So all he knows to do is to step away for a bit.
THis is the really difficult part about taking a deeper healing journey in the way you are. It’s awful what you have discovered AND the greatest gift you will ever receive from it, is your inner strength and resilience. Because you are developing this, learning about all the layers that live within you and learning healthier ways to manage stress and challenge, it separates you, in a way, from everyone else who doesn’t approach life in that way….like your guy. So what happens is as you begin to understand yourself more deeply, you will understand him more deeply. You will see and understand things about him that he doesn’t even know or understand about himself. The challenge is, he won’t be able to offer the same in return for you. Because he isn’t a deep diver, because he doesn’t really face his feelings and explore the core truth behind what is happening for him, he will always be limited in understanding and knowing you. He can only know you to the extent that he knows himself. Now that you are deepening within yourself, the differences between you and him will start to become more evident. Just something to pay attention to and be aware of. I know for me, my healing journey has really ended A LOT of relationships. I changed and we no longer matched. In some ways, it became a choice between my healing and my friendships/family/boyfriends. I always chose myself and continued to grow because it’s the kind of person I wanted to be in the world. That meant I became quite masterful at loss. However, new people have always entered and the quality of relationships became much deeper and much more authentic.
I want to encourage you just to keep your eyes open. I realize and understand you are very connected to him and want him back. You may start to realize that a lot of your needs are not being met because of his limitations and he isn’t going to change. You may start to feel lonely. Maybe. I don’t know, but I just want you to be aware that although the 2 major seasons in your life were all consuming and caused you to be limited, HE was limited to. He absolutely is part of the equation as to why this hasn’t worked between you guys. I want to make sure that you are not taking full responsibility for this and I want to encourage you to stay connected to yourself. DO NOT give up your needs just so you can have him back. Right now, he needs it to be about him, but not at the expense of you. That’s what he did. He supported you at the expense of himself and look where it got it. DO NOT make the same choice. Do not stay silent with your needs because you are afraid of pushing him away. You need to still be honest and authentic and if the relationship falls apart because of that, it just tells you he is not your match.
I don’t want to push that on him or even bring it up at this time. I understand you want to do the “right” thing so you don’t push him away. The thing is Melissa, there is no such thing. You are operating from a place of fear and that energy will always sabotage connection. You need to just be you and let the cards fall where they may. If the relationship is THAT fragile that he cannot handle your humanness and limitations, then that is information you need to be aware of. So how about you let your intuition guide you each step of the way. Communication is one of the core issues, so practice communicating honestly. Why not ask him…”I want you to feel like I am respecting and supporting what you need right now. To be honest, I’m not quite sure what that is. Would you like me to stay away completely? Can I text every once in a while? How can I best support you right now?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Thank you for sharing all of this again. I feel like I have a more clear picture.
This is a tough one Melissa. I imagine that for him, he is exhausted with how much he is needing to support you. You had your health issues that were all consuming and now the abuse, which is all consuming. From what you have explained about some of his not feeling “happy” my guess is, he is just tapped out trying to source you and support you through some very intense events in your life. His needs are not being met enough. The thing is, what you are going through and have been through is BIG. They aren’t just small events. Sexual abuse healing can take quite a long time and at first, it absolutely takes up the entire space of your being. Trying to “be there” for someone else is just too much as you are trying to adjust and process some incredibly violating memories and events. I imagine you stepped more into survival mode and not very present for what he needed from you. But that’s pretty normal Melissa. My guess is, if your health event hadn’t happened back then, he probably would be able to get through this with you much better.
The thing is, I know you are wanting him to deeply understand the pain and trauma you are having to deal with. He never will. Guys don’t really get it. I know you left him your diary in efforts to try and help him get it more, but if you think about it, he is not feeling heard, known or understood by you and then you hand him a journal so he can understand YOU better. My guess is, he doesn’t quite have the capacity to understand you anymore. He needs to take care of himself right now and not think anymore about what you are going through. He needs some space and he needs you to stop asking for him to understand what you are going through on a deeper level. It’s like trying to squeeze juice out of a piece of dried fruit.
What I suggest is to stop looking for him to understand and support you and start figuring out other ways to get your needs met. He needs a break and he needs to focus on himself. I would also suggest starting to look at how you can improve on your communication and how you can improve as a partner, BUT only when you are ready. You are dealing with some big stuff, so you need to keep focusing on healing those open wounds first and foremost, so maybe give the idea of fixing the relationship a rest for a bit. Maybe waiting until he gets back to talk about things would be best. You guys can take a big break from each other and just source yourselves instead of each other and fill back up.
I think that if you were to write a letter, it needs to be all about him. Meaning, he is missing being known and seen and supported in the relationship. He needs to feel that you really see that. So you can say something like “I really want you to know that I deeply understand your frustrations about how I haven’t been there for you, both with your house and with showing you more affection and intimacy. I can see how you tried to tell me a few different times how you were not happy. And I don’t blame you. You really supported me through my health challenges and now this abuse thing came into the picture and it rocked my world. I was not there for you and I am so deeply sorry. It’s not the kind of partner I want to be. I want to be a better listener and I want to support you with your house and I want to develop a more healthy sexual relationship with you as I heal this these traumas. I want you to feel like you get to exist with me and matter to me. There are many things I need to improve upon. I really see that. I am not writing this as a way to convince you to get back together. I’m writing this to let you know that I understand. I really do see why you have struggling for a while with me. As much as I want to get better, I also know enough now to know that it takes time. I have a lot of layers to sift through and I am doing the very best that I can and I always will. Every day I am working to be better for myself and for you, but I also know I’m going to keep messing up too. I love you and deeply appreciate all you have done for me….”
Does this type of letter resonate for you? Are you understanding what I am guiding you towards?
Basically, he needs a break and you need to continue doing your self-work and not worry about trying to fix yourself fast enough so you don’t lose him. That will never work. One day at a time Melissa. I know it’s easier said than done though.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jae!
Welcome! I can see why you are confused. At first, everything was great and now he seems to be much less connective and talkative. That’s really hard. He doesn’t seem to be interested in sharing whatever is happening in his life.
He is right. People DO change. I want to ask you this…if you met him now, the person he has become with you – less talkative, short conversations, not very connective – would you want to keep dating him?
It seems that you want the guy you first met, to fall head over heels and that the newer, changed version is someone you don’t really like and feel like maybe he is using you for some reason. So you want him to go back to his old self, yes? What if he isn’t capable of falling head over heels for you? What if who he is today, IS the same guy but you are just seeing another side of him that will always be there? Is this side of him something you feel you can love and accept?
Heidi
Hi Melissa!
Welcome back! Wow! It has been a long time! Thank you for the update and sharing such personal and vulnerable information!
I am soooo so sorry about what you discovered in past. It’s incredibly shocking, disarming and all consuming. Give yourself a break for not seeing the “mistakes” you were making. Remember how he also wasn’t connected to how him looking at pictures was hurting you until you came right out and said it? It’s NOT your job to make sure he feels happy in the relationship. It’s HIS job. You just discovered something super major and life-changing and you needed some time to just focus on yourself. Of course your sexual energy would shut down. There are many layers to work through when you discover sexual abuse. Good job for facing it! Good job for working with it! Good job for choosing to forgive and not hold onto all the hurt and trauma!! You are incredibly strong and doing and doing an amazing job! I’m glad he was supportive, but at the same time, he needed to step up and communicate better. I think that you are spot on in knowing that the communication part is the biggest issue between you guys.
I’m curious, why did you feel afraid to tell him and let him in on the process?
Do you know why he didn’t directly communicate with you about how he was feeling? Maybe he thought he had and didn’t feel like you were listening. But you are right…it needs to be a clear, direct conversation and not subtle hints over a text message.I’m not sure I completely understand how it was left. Are you guys officially broken up? Or “taking space?” Or giving it time and staying together?
I think the first thing to do is for you to forgive yourself. You are doing the very best you know how and unfortunately that is not enough sometimes…and that’s okay. I think it’s also important to hold HIM accountable to taking control of his own happiness and to stop relying on you to figure it out on your own. He needs to step up for himself.
Are you guys still talking or making any plans together?
Heidi
This is a great start! I love that you have identified why you shut down. Having to play “small and invisible” is awful. Of course you shut down when you are hurt. I actually have that same exact coping mechanism. It’s something you and I will have to deal with for the rest of our lives. It’s just how we are made. After having done many years of therapy, I learned other ways. I’m still occasionally tempted to retreat in an unhealthy way, but I’ve done enough healing now that I know how to choose something different.
Are you willing to work with a therapist or coach? Are you willing to read some books? Maybe start to learn from different teachers out there? I will tell you that having awareness of your pattern and why it exists, is not enough. You can’t just all of a sudden change a pattern you have had your whole life and is sourced by fear. I wish it were that easy. You are heading in the right direction! What next steps are you willing to take?
Heidi
Hi Christine,
Wow. That sounds pretty intense. How long were you guys together? I’m a little confused when you said you want to confirm through his texts whether or not he cheated. But before you said he admitted to it and you also a text from the woman. So what more confirmation do you need? I’m wondering if I’m missing parts of the story.
I also have concern that HIS reasons for breaking up include you talking about your kids too much and he didn’t like all the pictures of your family because he was jealous. BIG RED FLAGS here. You want to appease his insecurities by making yourself “smaller?” How long do you think that will last before you become resentful?
You are here asking how to get him back when you don’t even know for sure what happened. Why go through all of that? Why not just wait and get all the information you need and then decide? Are you waiting for him to show you or something? I’m wondering why you don’t already know. Is he avoiding you? I’m not quite sure I fully understand what your relationship is now.
Any more detail you can share would be helpful.
Heidi
Okay great! So all you can do is really work on your side of things to help him feel like you are a safer person for him to connect with again. Saying sorry is actually the smallest step you can take. Now it’s about working on your communication.
Tell me how you communicate when you are upset? I know about this last event that caused the breakup, but what are you like in general when you need something different from him, hurt, angry etc.? What kind of improvements can you make with your communication?
Heidi
