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No need to over-think this. 10 seconds or not, everything happened just the way it’s supposed to and it is what it is. Accept it and move forward.
I’m curious, do you ever receive compliments? How do you receive them? Do you tend to push them away or are you able to fully receive the compliment and let it go all the way in? Do you ever compliment anyone? Friends, family etc.?
Compliments, no matter what they are, need to come from the heart. That’s the most powerful part of a compliment that makes the impact…not the words. One thing you can think about with compliments is to make sure you include specifics….details. So saying “I like your hair today” you would say “Wow! Your hair looks great today! I love how it swoops over that way. It looks kind of artistic and it draws my attention to your eyes more.” or “Your outfit is great! I love the colors together and the way the shirt falls, it really makes you look sexy.” Details are more powerful because it gives someone a glimpse into what you are actually seeing. They see themselves through your eyes in much more clear way and it deepens the meaning of the compliment. Does this make sense?
I would suggest you start practicing. The more you practice, the more it will start to feel more normal and comfortable for you. I compliment strangers all the time too. I was at the vet office the other day and told the girl “I just want you to know, you are incredibly beautiful!” I didn’t give details, but I did make her feel good about herself. I compliment someone on their smile, I compliment someone on how they put an outfit together, I compliment someone on their hairstyle. We ALL could use more love and we ALL could use feeling more seen in this world. So start putting it out there and making people feel good about themselves!
Heidi
I’m curious…what ages are you? And what culture are you from?
You said you sent him an email. So that must mean you are not blocked everywhere, right? You said that he saw you driving and calls it “harassment.” I don’t know if you are still driving to “spy” on him or not, but if you are, that needs to stop.
Is your situation still the same? Would you have to lie in order to get out of your home?
I know you are afraid he is in a relationship. It really is awful imagining the person we want to be with, happy with someone else. It’s something we ALL go through as we learn we have been “replaced.” It’s incredibly difficult to know that a new girl is making him laugh and making him happy. That’s part of the healing process and letting him. If you REALLY care him, that means that HIS happiness is one of the most important things to you. What if he IS happy? What if a new girl makes him happier than when he is with you? Don’t you want the best for him? It doesn’t mean you were not good enough for him. It just means that a different person is a better match…just as a different guy would be a better match for you. I am VERY good at being in a relationship, BUT…I am far from being a good match for a guy. In fact, It’s usually the opposite…I’m usually NOT a good match for most guys. The way I communicate, the way I live my life, and the way I connect in a relationship are all very high quality BUT it truly is a very unique guy who would be able to appreciate all those things about me. Many guys are usually intrigued by me in the beginning, but then as time goes on, they realize they actually have to work on themselves if they are going to stay connected and that’s where it all falls apart. It becomes very evident that we function differently enough that it’s best to move on. They need to find someone who matches how they approach life and vice versa. So it’s never really about being good enough for someone…it’s always about matching in the right kind of ways for long-term success. It’s easy to match for short-term success, but for long-term success…there needs to be like-mindedness in how stress is handled, how you live your lives, how you spend your money and so much more.
The only thing I can think of to build trust is to get a letter to him. VERY short and to the point. You can say something like “I’m very sorry for harassing you. You know that I still have strong feelings for you and want to work things out. You told me many times that is not what you wanted and I kept trying to change your mind. I wasn’t respecting your boundaries and I wasn’t making what YOU wanted, very important. I’m very very sorry and I want you to know that I will not contact you again. I deeply hope for you to be happy. You are an amazing man and I wish for the very best to come to you. Take care.” Obviously, you write it in your own words, but only having 3-5 sentences MAX, apologizing and then letting him know you will leave him alone…that’s all you need to say. Trust has been broken pretty badly, so there is no guarantee he will even read the letter, but you can at least give it a shot. You sent him an email, so you must not be blocked that way. Can you send him another one? Or can you handwrite it and mail it?
Heidi
Is there anymore detail you can share? How is he FEELING about you? You said things spiraled out of control. I imagine he was feeling a lot of your anger and hurt that would naturally be there about your sister. What was happening when you guys were spiraling? A lot of fighting? A lot of criticism? How do YOU feel about the relationship? What do YOU need differently from him? What do you think HE needs differently from you?
When you went to the therapist, did you feel like it was a good match? You need to find the right kind of therapist where BOTH of you feel comfortable. Why do you think he would never go back?
Maybe he would be willing to do something less invasive, like go through a book with you. It sounds like there is a lot of learning that needs to occur. Maybe starting with a book can help teach both of you different ways to interact with each other – and then maybe he would be willing to try seeing a therapist again.
This is an amazing place for some resources. They offer a lot of tips and education for couples. https://www.gottman.com/
Heidi
Hi TavShad,
I know it’s really hard to fall in love and then not have it work out. You said you have been through this 3x now and it’s either him or no one. That’s a pretty depressing outlook. I’m wondering why you would put that kind of pressure on yourself. I’ve been through it 6 times. I want to encourage you that love and relationships are all about learning and growing and much of the time, it doesn’t work out. That’s okay! We learn, we heal, we grow and then we meet someone new to give us a new experience of love and ourselves. It doesn’t have to stop after going through this 3x. I’m guessing you are have no energy to “fight” anymore because you have a lot of unresolved hurt you are carrying around inside. If your spirit is tired, it’s tired of carrying the past around. I’m guessing you are energetically tired of carrying around a 1,000 pounds of baggage that holds your anger, hurt, resentment and all the other stuff that shows up when someone hurts us.
If he was bored with the relationship, do you know why? What about the relationship was boring? Do you understand and agree with how he felt? Do you see why he felt that way?
Unless you deeply understand what was missing, he will not come back to you. It’s important to understand that however you guys were interacting, it wasn’t working, so he is not going to want to come back to that design, regardless of how much you miss him.
After 10 months apart and after you stalking him and still continuing to cross his boundaries by contacting him, there is A LOT of trust that has been broken. It’s pretty difficult to repair that when that kind of trust has been broken. He doesn’t trust you will respect his boundaries and he doesn’t trust that you are a safe person to be with. Whether you feel you are obsessed or not, your actions are telling him you are and he will receive it that way. That is something a guy will have nothing to do with.
You are so single focused on getting him back so you can feel better, that you are missing the damage that is happening by you constantly trying to reach him.
I doubt he is going to respond to you, as he stayed away every other time. My suggestion is to give him some space. All he knows about you at this point is that you haven’t moved on, you want him back and you are stalking him. The first way to build the trust back up again is to leave him alone and actually do what he is asking.
I want to suggest letting him go. I know this sounds opposite of how to get a guy back, but you not feeling happy without him, you not moving on, you stalking him, you saying he is the last one you are ever going to love….that mindset is not going to bring him back – it’s pushing him farther away from you. The mindset that you can be happy without him, the mindset that you are okay without him, the mindset that you are empowered and strong without him…that is what attracts men more than anything. You have already learned that chasing after him doesn’t work and it causes him to put more walls up against you.
Are you willing to let him go and do some internal work on yourself? Are you willing to get some help and work with a therapist or coach? Clearing out a lot of the hurt you carry, helps make all of this much more doable and possible. You can discover that you have the energy to fall in love again…with someone who doesn’t feel bored and instead with someone who values and appreciates you for exactly who you are.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want a solution to get him back. The thing is, there is a lot of damage that has been done, so the way I am suggesting to shift things is the way to build trust back. It’s going to take quite a while, IF it works.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh good! What did you say? How did he respond? He must have had some kind of thought about what you said. Was there a conversation at all about it? I hope you allowed him some space to respond before changing subjects.
Stay in step 3 for a while. Let your intuition guide you before moving forward. Give it some time and space and get him used to feeling good around you. Make sure you don’t bombard him with compliments as that is not realistic and his radar will come up thinking you are wanting something from him. Only throw in compliments here and there. Many women go overboard on this step and it has the opposite effect than intended, because they overdo it.
What do you feel you need to learn about compliments? There isn’t another article I can think of, but that’s why we are here…to help with deeper understanding.
Heidi
Oh my goodness! I would LOVE to come along 🙂 You are figuring it all out and it sounds wonderful!!! I can’t wait to hear about it! I get to vicariously live through you!
Heidi
Oh wow! What an awful, horrific thing to lose your daughter that way. That makes me sick to my stomach. How long ago did that happen? Did he ever get any help to process this traumatic loss? Has he ever worked with a specialist?
he has been very responsible with his kids yes he left them but he has always provided for them even into their adult life. Providing for them is VERY different than being in a good relationship with them. Either way, he has a lot to deal with.
My guess is, the anger coming at you sometimes is just a reflection of the anger he carries within himself. It would be natural for him to feel like he wasn’t able to protect his daughter. This is called projection. It’s when someone projects what they feel on the inside, onto someone else on the outside. Most people are not aware they are doing it and it’s much safer for them to point the finger at someone else than to face the baggage they are carrying.
His lack of eye contact has nothing to do with you being “disgusting.” That is YOUR story that you are putting on his choice, not his. It’s important for you to see that and recognize it. That is YOU projecting on him. There is some part of you that things/believes you are disgusting – and so you choose to think that he must think that too and that’s why he won’t look at you. Does this make sense?
My guess is, he isn’t looking at you because he is carrying so much shame/guilt inside and he just can’t take it anymore. He has a GIANT ball of darkness sitting inside of him and he is doing everything he can to manage that in the way that he knows how. He needs some help. Carrying something like that inside is meant to be dealt with delicately and with an expert who can guide him through how to handle it without breaking him into pieces. My guess is though, this is not something he will ever be willing to do – so he will just continue to manage it by keeping it buried and contained.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emma,
I love that you are a happy jolly person. I love that you want to set the tone of good communication with respect and forgiveness. This is definitely a very powerful way to approach any situation – he is very lucky to be connected to someone like you.
It sounds like you are just going to wait this out. You are going to stay positive and hope that if and when he decides he is ready to connect again, you will be there and you guys will talk about what it means to move forward. Am I understanding correctly?
It’s easy for a guy to say “don’t think about it too much or analyze everything I do.” Guys don’t get it. Our operating system is very different than theirs and we just don’t function that way. How can he expect you NOT to analyze your relationship when he has completely disconnected and won’t talk to you about anything? You have nothing else to do except try and piece the puzzle together with the little information you do have. His choice and how he is handling all of this is incredibly unkind and uncaring to you and the relationship and it doesn’t sound like he completely understands that. Either way, it sounds like you are going to just wait and you are at peace with that choice.
Heidi
Hi TavShad,
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge with us. It truly is awful to have to let go of someone you love. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this!
How come you guys broke up? It sounds like he may have been cheating on you and decided he wanted to be with that girl instead of with you. You were together for 3 years. Do you feel like HE was happy with you? Can you see any of the signs that he wasn’t happy with you before he broke it off?
I want to encourage you to stop contacting him. He has set several boundaries of which you are not honoring or respecting. All that tells him is that you are not listening to him and what he wants and you are going to just go after what you want. It causes him to not feel safe with you. You are stalking him on some level and that is never a healthy behavior and certainly will not get him back. It’s a type of obsession. You feel like you can’t live without him – I know it feels that way, but it’s not true. If you don’t know that you can find your happiness and peace and joy in your life WITHOUT him, then you are giving HIM all your power – and that becomes a very co-dependent connection – of which will never work or last. If he died, would you still be saying that? Would you spend the rest of your life in suffering and misery because he was gone?
He needs to know that you can be happy without him – and you need to know that too. Instead of you are constantly chasing him as if he is your only source of love. If you guys are ever going to get back together or even if you move on and find love elsewhere, as long as you keep relying on the man to make you feel happy, then your relationships will never last in any sort of healthy way. I imagine you would like to fall in love and have it be a beautiful, powerful, nourishing exchange, yes??? That takes work and VERY deliberate choices to take care of yourself and be 100% responsible for your own happiness – not relying on your guy to make you feel that way.
I know this is probably not what you wanted to here, but my guess is, your stalking / needy type of behavior is what is driving him away.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Annika,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this! It’s awful to watch your family fall apart and feel powerless to stop it. Of course you want to cry and plead for attention. It’s heartbreaking.
Let’s see if there is something we can figure out to help this go more smoothly. Would you mind explaining what happened 2 months ago? Was there a specific event that caused him to want to get a divorce?
I know you are not going to like this, but I am going to agree with him that your son is NOT a reason to stay together. You guys should stay together because you deeply love each other and want to work it out. If you don’t, of course it will affect your son, but he will be okay. As long as you are both supportive of him and there for him, you all can navigate this. It also would affect your son in a negative way to have his parents stay together when they aren’t happy. That choice has consequences for him as well, so either way, he is going to be affected by whatever you guys choose to do. It’s part of life though. Your son is going to face MANY disappointments in his life and it’s your job to teach him how to handle those disappointments in healthy ways. Make sense?
Would you guys be willing to see a therapist or coach? It can really help to get an expert view at your relationship and help you guys figure out what truly is best.
Heidi
First thing is, it’s really important to face your fears. Work with them instead of letting them run your life. Again…it’s a part of life that will always before and it steels our confidence in ourselves. You are so afraid of losing him that you are trying to do everything “right” but all of that is being sourced by fear. What if you faced your fear of losing him? What if you connected to a much bigger truth that YOU WILL BE OKAY if you lose him. And if that is true, then does it really matter what you do or how soon you contact him? If you KNEW in the depths of your cells that you are worth loving and fighting for, then you would be okay to just be yourself and not be so afraid of losing him. Yes, it would hurt if you lost him, but that hurt is only for a season. You will recover, get back up, heal and you will fall in love again. He is NOT the end all be all of your life. You may end up taking a longer journey with him or you may not. Either way, you will be okay and you will learn how to stay empowered and find your peace and joy no matter what.
If that’s your focus, then does it really matter how or when you contact him? When you make decisions from a place of confidence and alignment in the truth, it changes the energy of that choice. That’s what I want to encourage you to do…ALWAYS. First, really look at the feeling of what is sourcing your choice. If fear is involved, then you face it and work with it by identifying the lies of that fear and connecting more with the truth. When you can do that, THEN you decide what is best for you.
Your whole focus is on him and trying to make HIM comfortable. What about you? What’s more important than ANYTHING is that you have the strength to be yourself and if he isn’t able to love or appreciate the fullness of you (the light AND the dark) then he is not someone to go the distance with.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Melissa, how can you ever expect or ask him to forgive you if you won’t even forgive yourself? Remember, he is part of the equation as well. There are PLENTY things I could point out about HIS limitations that have put you guys in this spot. This is a “co-creation.” It is incredibly crucial for you to be kind and compassionate with yourself. You are doing the best you can, and sometimes it’s not enough – you are still going to let him down, miss signals, hurt him, disappoint him etc. It’s just part of our humanness, so you might as well learn how to embrace it instead of constantly punishing yourself. AND…he needs to learn how to deal with disappointment in a much more healthy way. He needs to learn how to communicate differently. He needs to learn how to get his own needs met when you can’t be there for him. He needs to learn how to forgive and release…and so do you! So he has A LOT of work to do as well! Hurting and disappointing the ones we love is NORMAL and to be expected – it is part of love.
Check out this website: https://eftuniverse.com/about/dawson-church/
This is another pretty popular tapping guy as well: https://www.thetappingsolution.com/nick-ortner/It’s a WONDERFUL technique!!!
Heidi
I love this! I think that in time (not right now), you just be honest and say “You know…we have talked about it a few times and I really thought about why I said I don’t like flowers. I guess I never really thought about it before because the men I have had in my life never got me flowers. After thinking about it, I realized that I said that because receiving something so beautiful and thoughtful, made me feel awkward. Kind of like “I don’t trust this niceness” or “I don’t deserve it.” So I realized that I really love flowers and my rejection of them was more of a coping/protective mechanism. I know it may seem like such a small thing, but having you in my life is really helping me see all kinds of ways I kept myself closed off to beauty and kindness – and I want to shift that. So if you feel inspired to bring me flowers, I want you to know that it will be the first time I’ve ever received them with an open heart…and I would love them!”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
The wording changes when you are able to connect more deeply with the truth. The words you chose came from a place of feeling like you messed up somehow and having judgment about your process. When you are able to recognize that, you can work with it! The first stage is just becoming aware of it…then you are empowered to make the changes needed so you can align with the truth. I’m glad that what I said resonated for you!
I’m not viewing that as an ultimatum, but if that part makes you uncomfortable, no worries! Leave it out! Just say what you need to say and see what he does with it. It may lead into a wonderful conversation, it may become a bit awkward, but whatever happens, it’s all good! What’s most important here is that when you say what you want to say, that it comes from the heart and you are not saying it to get something from him. Say it and let it go and let the moment unfold however it does. TRUST that you will be able to handle it.
As far as transitioning into another subject, if it does come to that, you can always lead into continuing whatever you guys talked about last time. He showed you a video, right? Is there a funny video you can show him? You can always say something like, “OMG! I saw this video and totally thought of you…..” Does that feel like a comfortable thing to do?
Heidi
Wow! Look at you traveling! Despite having a very difficult boss, you sure are taking advantage of seeing other parts of the world while you are there! Well done! It’s so much cheaper to travel places out there than to plan a trip from Canada, right? You are doing a great job expanding your world and filling yourself up with new adventures.
I’m excited to hear about Geneva!!!
Heidi
