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Hi Annika,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this! It’s awful to watch your family fall apart and feel powerless to stop it. Of course you want to cry and plead for attention. It’s heartbreaking.
Let’s see if there is something we can figure out to help this go more smoothly. Would you mind explaining what happened 2 months ago? Was there a specific event that caused him to want to get a divorce?
I know you are not going to like this, but I am going to agree with him that your son is NOT a reason to stay together. You guys should stay together because you deeply love each other and want to work it out. If you don’t, of course it will affect your son, but he will be okay. As long as you are both supportive of him and there for him, you all can navigate this. It also would affect your son in a negative way to have his parents stay together when they aren’t happy. That choice has consequences for him as well, so either way, he is going to be affected by whatever you guys choose to do. It’s part of life though. Your son is going to face MANY disappointments in his life and it’s your job to teach him how to handle those disappointments in healthy ways. Make sense?
Would you guys be willing to see a therapist or coach? It can really help to get an expert view at your relationship and help you guys figure out what truly is best.
Heidi
First thing is, it’s really important to face your fears. Work with them instead of letting them run your life. Again…it’s a part of life that will always before and it steels our confidence in ourselves. You are so afraid of losing him that you are trying to do everything “right” but all of that is being sourced by fear. What if you faced your fear of losing him? What if you connected to a much bigger truth that YOU WILL BE OKAY if you lose him. And if that is true, then does it really matter what you do or how soon you contact him? If you KNEW in the depths of your cells that you are worth loving and fighting for, then you would be okay to just be yourself and not be so afraid of losing him. Yes, it would hurt if you lost him, but that hurt is only for a season. You will recover, get back up, heal and you will fall in love again. He is NOT the end all be all of your life. You may end up taking a longer journey with him or you may not. Either way, you will be okay and you will learn how to stay empowered and find your peace and joy no matter what.
If that’s your focus, then does it really matter how or when you contact him? When you make decisions from a place of confidence and alignment in the truth, it changes the energy of that choice. That’s what I want to encourage you to do…ALWAYS. First, really look at the feeling of what is sourcing your choice. If fear is involved, then you face it and work with it by identifying the lies of that fear and connecting more with the truth. When you can do that, THEN you decide what is best for you.
Your whole focus is on him and trying to make HIM comfortable. What about you? What’s more important than ANYTHING is that you have the strength to be yourself and if he isn’t able to love or appreciate the fullness of you (the light AND the dark) then he is not someone to go the distance with.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Melissa, how can you ever expect or ask him to forgive you if you won’t even forgive yourself? Remember, he is part of the equation as well. There are PLENTY things I could point out about HIS limitations that have put you guys in this spot. This is a “co-creation.” It is incredibly crucial for you to be kind and compassionate with yourself. You are doing the best you can, and sometimes it’s not enough – you are still going to let him down, miss signals, hurt him, disappoint him etc. It’s just part of our humanness, so you might as well learn how to embrace it instead of constantly punishing yourself. AND…he needs to learn how to deal with disappointment in a much more healthy way. He needs to learn how to communicate differently. He needs to learn how to get his own needs met when you can’t be there for him. He needs to learn how to forgive and release…and so do you! So he has A LOT of work to do as well! Hurting and disappointing the ones we love is NORMAL and to be expected – it is part of love.
Check out this website: https://eftuniverse.com/about/dawson-church/
This is another pretty popular tapping guy as well: https://www.thetappingsolution.com/nick-ortner/It’s a WONDERFUL technique!!!
Heidi
I love this! I think that in time (not right now), you just be honest and say “You know…we have talked about it a few times and I really thought about why I said I don’t like flowers. I guess I never really thought about it before because the men I have had in my life never got me flowers. After thinking about it, I realized that I said that because receiving something so beautiful and thoughtful, made me feel awkward. Kind of like “I don’t trust this niceness” or “I don’t deserve it.” So I realized that I really love flowers and my rejection of them was more of a coping/protective mechanism. I know it may seem like such a small thing, but having you in my life is really helping me see all kinds of ways I kept myself closed off to beauty and kindness – and I want to shift that. So if you feel inspired to bring me flowers, I want you to know that it will be the first time I’ve ever received them with an open heart…and I would love them!”
How does this make you feel?
Heidi
The wording changes when you are able to connect more deeply with the truth. The words you chose came from a place of feeling like you messed up somehow and having judgment about your process. When you are able to recognize that, you can work with it! The first stage is just becoming aware of it…then you are empowered to make the changes needed so you can align with the truth. I’m glad that what I said resonated for you!
I’m not viewing that as an ultimatum, but if that part makes you uncomfortable, no worries! Leave it out! Just say what you need to say and see what he does with it. It may lead into a wonderful conversation, it may become a bit awkward, but whatever happens, it’s all good! What’s most important here is that when you say what you want to say, that it comes from the heart and you are not saying it to get something from him. Say it and let it go and let the moment unfold however it does. TRUST that you will be able to handle it.
As far as transitioning into another subject, if it does come to that, you can always lead into continuing whatever you guys talked about last time. He showed you a video, right? Is there a funny video you can show him? You can always say something like, “OMG! I saw this video and totally thought of you…..” Does that feel like a comfortable thing to do?
Heidi
Wow! Look at you traveling! Despite having a very difficult boss, you sure are taking advantage of seeing other parts of the world while you are there! Well done! It’s so much cheaper to travel places out there than to plan a trip from Canada, right? You are doing a great job expanding your world and filling yourself up with new adventures.
I’m excited to hear about Geneva!!!
Heidi
I love all the work you are doing!!! Love and relationships are the best teachers! Love exposes all kinds of insecurities, limitations, struggles and beliefs that sabotage connection. You are doing such an incredible job working with all of it. There are MANY more layers to sift through, so be patient with yourself. It’s truly a life long journey of learning.
I didn’t love him the way that I was suppose to. Because of my way of thinking. That he only saw the worst maybe not the worst but the not so good part of me. That I regret not showing him the best version of me! I’m over here just letting something good, a new opportunity just slip right through my fingers. I understand what you want to say to him, but I want to suggest saying it a bit differently. There is nothing to “regret” here. You were and are doing the very best that you can and those moments where you were limited NEEDED to happen so you can be here in this moment, learning how to be better. Regret is judgment and it’s a toxic feeling. I want to invite you to forgive yourself and let it go. There is nothing to “fix” and there is nothing to change. Stay in the present moment and be grateful for all those limiting moments bringing you here now. Your statement is full of judgment, so this is how I would suggest saying it:
“I look back and really saw a lot of my fear sabotaging our connection and limiting my ability to be open to love you deeply. Although I still have fear, I am learning to work with it differently. That means I want to face my fears. You are an incredible man and someone I truly want to value and appreciate and open my heart to. You inspire me to want to be a much better partner, a better lover, and a better friend. I know you experienced a lot of my negativity and the fearful side of me and of course, that side is part of all of us. I don’t want to live in that side of me anymore. I want to live in the happy side of me…with you. I want to live in the loving side. I want to live on the connective and open side. I want to live in my empowered side…with you. I may have caused too much damage and I understand if you would rather not take a chance with me again. Either way, I just wanted you to know that I am getting it. I’m a slow learner sometimes, but nonetheless, I am learning and facing myself and getting better at facing my fears.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
What I am struggling to come to terms with is that before this, I really was happy with myself, who I was as a person, and really kept my life full of joy even without him. Of course you felt this way because you were “connected.” Now that the connection is broken, you are facing having to create your happiness without that connection sourcing you….and that’s a process.
I know the pain you are in. Would you be willing to get a little help? There are way to reduce that pain and get you back onto your feet and feeling more grounded in truth. The pain and suffering you are feeling has a lot to do with the lies and programs you have running in your system. Lies like “I can’t be happy without him” “I should have done…..” “What’s wrong with me?” You know…all those looping thoughts that source the pain. When you work with those lies by identifying them, clearing them and then replacing them with the truth like “I am empowered to be happy with or without him” “I am enough” “I am worth loving and fighting for even if he doesn’t think so” the suffering/torture part of the pain is greatly reduced and you can start to function in your life again. You won’t feel lost. The truth is, you are not lost. You are exactly where you need to be right now and this moment, as horrible as it is, has many gifts for you. You are directionless, but that doesn’t mean you are lost. You are in a space of not knowing what is next for you, but it won’t be the last time you face this in your life. Getting comfortable and trusting yourself in the “unknown” is one of the greatest skills you could ever develop. You have to sit here for a while and be okay with the unknown, knowing it will end exactly when it is supposed to. You will get through this. I don’t know how or what will happen, but I do know you are capable of becoming stronger and more resilient as you learn to navigate this in a healthy way.
My coach would be fabulous for you to work with. She clears some very intense experiences for people sooooo quickly. If you are willing, she would be able to help you get back onto your feet very quickly. I am happy to send you her information. You can work with her over the phone or video. Would you like her help? I can email you her phone number. You can call and just set up a short conversation where you can see if you feel inspired by how she would work with you. If you feel like you would like to give it a try, then you set up your first appointment. If you feel like it’s not a good fit, then no big deal…you find someone else to work with. Let me know.
Heidi
I would say it that way then. When you say “you’ve closed the door” it insinuates that you are done with it…complete. And that just isnt’ true. Yes you had a breakthrough but you may discover as you start to become intimate, other feelings may come up. You are NOT done with this. There are energetic layers, spiritual layers, physical layers, emotional layers….you need to work through all the layers of all your systems, so you don’t want to lead him into thinking that you are complete with the abuse and that it won’t affect you again….because it will and there is no way to know when or how your feelings will come up again, but they will.
You can say something like, “I had a breakthrough in therapy and started the process of letting go of the grief, my anger and resentment. This opened the door for me wanting to start to be intimate with you again….”
If you want to send me the revised letter, I’d be happy to continue helping.
How are YOU feeling???
Heidi
Hi Joselin,
I saw your other post where you questioned what the hours are and how many coaches work here. My guess is, you are wanting faster response time, yes?
Sometimes, when one of us has a few interactions with one person, we like to just leave it to that coach since there are already a few exchanges.
I’ll go ahead and pop in here and share my thoughts. I hope that’s okay.
I agree that making your confession in person is much more powerful and effective. I love that step 1 worked well! It’s okay that it will be more than 2 days for point 2. It’s not a perfect process, so waiting until he comes to practice again is totally okay. Your last interaction was really positive so you can just keep building on that when you see him next.
What are you going to share with him when you see him next?
Heidi
Hi Emma,
I’m glad you guys are able to be cordial to each other. Maybe things will turn around, maybe they won’t. Who knows. Either way, you have a husband who isn’t willing to truly connect and work through things with you. Even if things do turn around, then what? You think that things will go back to normal? You are not going to trust him and part of you will not really feel safe with him because you never know when he may decide to disconnect again…because you know he is capable of that now. You want to “hope” things turn around and I understand that. You love him and you don’t want to lose him. The thing is, there is a lot of damage that has been done by how he is choosing to handle this, so it’s not like either of you can ignore the brokenness that is there.
So if he does come back, then what? What’s your plan? What do you expect from the relationship? What do you want?
Heidi
Hi Joselin! There are 2 of us here and we check in on the community Monday through Saturday. Is there something you need or that we can help you with?
Heidi
I know it’s shocking. Your whole world has turned upside down. It happens to a lot of couples. Life is incredibly unpredictable and will throw curve balls that can easily destroy even the happiest of couples. Couples may lose a child, one person gets in an accident and becomes paralyzed, one person gets terminally ill and so on.
I want to really emphasize this and I hope you will really hear me Jessica. It really is important that you KNOW you can be okay without him. I know you are lost. There is a BIG danger in “HAVING” to get him back. The danger is that you don’t know that you can find happiness without him. I know you don’t want to of course, but not knowing you can is more like enmeshment and not knowing your own power and strength and happiness separate from him. This could be the best thing that ever happened to you guys. You both get to learn who you are separate from each other. You both have the opportunity to discover the gifts and your strengths in the midst of incredible heartbreak. You feel lost right now…so does he. Now you both get to find your own way and have the opportunity to connect more deeply with yourselves instead of looking to the other person as your compass. That is the opportunity you have right now if you choose to look at it that way. Otherwise, you will just stay lost and miserable and in suffering as long as he chooses to go his own way. If you rely solely on him to find your peace and happiness, then you will stay in a lot of pain as you are relying on him as your source. If you learn to source yourself separate from him, you will develop an inner strength that will carry you through life in a much more supportive way – even if you do get back together. Taking that path is what he needs as well – and maybe you guys can come back together even stronger than before.
His world got turned upside down and now he has to figure out who he is. Because of that, you are now in the same spot he is. Your world is turned upside down and now you have to figure out who you are. I hope you start to learn how to source yourself, heal, and connect more deeply with yourself. He needs to face the pain of the biggest rejection a father could ever do to his son. You need to face the pain of the greatest rejection a lover can do to their partner.There are not next steps really. He has made himself quite clear. If he reaches out, then you can decide in that moment what is best for you and what you would like to do. A lot can shift in 3 weeks, so trying to figure out what to do right now, is kind of a moot point.
So for 3 weeks, your goal is to discover that you will okay without him. You need to KNOW this about yourself. You need to learn to trust yourself that you can heal, even from this. You need to KNOW that your happiness lives within you and is your own responsibility. Him and other people come along and can add to it or take away from it, but it’s ALL yours and does not need to rely on anyone else except for yourself. This will not be the last time your life will fall apart. You could lose your job, you could lose a child, you could lose a parent, you could love your husband….loss is part of life, so learning how to handle it right now is important.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know that stepping into your pain and working with it to discover your strength and empowering yourself is NOT an easy path nor the one you want to take. I know it’s just so much easier to get him back and then you can feel like yourself again. We all want that, but life has other plans sometimes and if we are going to heal, we need to embrace it.
Does any of this make sense for you? Or do you just want to ignore all of this and strictly focus on getting him back?
Heidi
I also just want to say, it might be better to make the letter much shorter. It’s not unusual for a guy to get lost in so many words.
So to be honest, I probably would just make it 1 short paragraph and say everything only once. In this letter you have created, you have said the same thing a handful of times in different ways. How do you feel about making it super short and sweet and to the point?
Heidi
