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What’s it like to dog sit? Most of the time, it’s pretty great. Lots of snuggles, lots of funny moments and lots of different outings. However, there are hard moments too. Emergency room visits, dogs that pee and mark in your house, dogs that are escape artists…those moments are always really hard. They don’t happen often, but it is part of the experience. It’s a lot of output though…for me. I’m not a normal dog sitter. I make sure every single day there is an adventure of some sort, so it’s time consuming and many times a 6am adventure outside because of the heat. Winter gets tough too, especially with the little guys and the fluffy guys that get tons of ice stuck in their fur. I also do not have a yard, so it’s extra walks each day. Having a house and yard would make it all so much easier.
It sounds like you had quite the adventure yourself. I’m so sorry it didn’t turn out the way you had expected. I’m still incredibly impressed with how you are figuring out how to navigate everything – in a foreign country! Really! You are learning so much and it’s amazing!
I’m not surprised that Bob went instead of you. There’s nothing to really think about it other than it’s what you can expect from him. You trust him less? I’m surprised you trust him at all.
Heidi
Hi Eutona!
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge and story with us. It’s so incredibly confusing, isn’t it? One day, everything is going smooth and easy and it’s wonderful – and then it’s not. I’m so glad you are here getting another opinion, because the first thing I want to say is RUN!
Is it toxic? Absolutely. First, it’s important for you to understand that he is controlling you…right from the beginning. To tell you that you can’t talk to other guys is waaaaaay overstepping and a HUGE red flag. To get upset that you don’t want a relationship – another HUGE red flag. To start to go hot and cold – a 3rd HUGE red flag. This guy has toxicity written all over him.
I understand you are coming out of a divorce and there is a lot you may not be able to see. I’ll go through this a bit more so you can learn what to look for when on a date so you can keep yourself safe.
First, THE MOST IMPORTANT thing you are always looking for in a person is how they handle stress. How do they treat you, themselves, and others when tension is high. Already this guy is showing you that when he is uncomfortable or insecure, he wants to control you. You end up heading into “defensive” mode trying to convince him that you are not doing what he thinks you are doing (talking to other men) – which you know that pattern well coming out of an abusive relationship, right? He also “guilt trips” you when you say you don’t want a relationship quite yet. That’s a very passive-aggressive way to control you so he can get what he wants. Then he goes hot / cold. This is also another passive-aggressive technique of connecting, then not connecting which is a way to “punish” you. I’m not saying this guy is aware of what he is doing. I don’t know, of course. But that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that he is showing you that he behaves like a child when he doesn’t get what he wants and he also carries the potential to be emotionally or physically abusive (his direct approach to telling you that you are not allowed to talk to other guys).
He is showing you that when he feels insecure, he gets controlling and passive-aggressive. It doesn’t matter how great the communication was or how great the connection was. Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. He is showing you that he DOES NOT treat you with respect when HE is feeling insecure or hurt. His type of patterns show that he is not the type to forgive easily, if at all. Lung cancer energetically also has to do with a lot of anger/grief that is unprocessed.
Now…most importantly, it is so crucial for YOU to pay attention to how you are feeling around him. You have had to defend yourself MANY times already because he isn’t believing what you say. NO! That is not okay. The moment you start to feel defensive with anyone, it’s time to walk away. You don’t need to defend yourself or your values to anyone. It’s YOUR job to put a stop to that kind of “attack” by simply not participating in their insecurities about who want to be and how you want to live in this world. Being in an abusive relationship, you no doubt spent an incredible amount of time trying to keep the peace and keep him happy. You don’t have to do that anymore. It’s so important for you to really work on taking your power back. The moment a guy makes you feel anything close to what you are stepping out of, know that it’s a RED FLAG and pay super close attention to the dynamics happening.
Does this make sense? I know I came on strong with you. I hope that it’s okay. Your heart is sooooooo incredibly sacred and valuable. This guy has no clue how to take care of it. It’s still your choice, of course, how you would like to handle this. If you want to stay connected, then let’s talk about it more. If you feel clear that it’s time to cut off completely, I’m happy to help with how to do that as well. Let me know!
Heidi
Hi Joselin,
I want to invite you to look at this idea you have of trying to do the “right” thing. There really is no such thing and an illusion. What is “right” is extremely relative. I can’t tell you how many times I followed the “rules” or “playbook” and did the “right” thing and did not get the results I wanted. I’ve also done the “wrong” thing a gazillion times and have received amazing results I couldn’t even imagine. Would you be willing to just let the idea of what is “right” go and trust that however things end up between you guys…you will be okay and it will be exactly what both of you need. If you can trust in that, then there is no need to be pensive. You can just be your authentic self – even if it’s messy. I mean think about it…your messiness brought you here. You have learned a lot and are growing like crazy! Wouldn’t you say that your messiness has brought you more gifts than not??? So take a breath and relax into being okay to just be yourself. Do whatever you feel inspired to do and you will be okay no matter what the result is. It’s all the process anyways. If the results trigger you or upset you, then it is just another opportunity to grow and heal, right? Remember, EVERYTHING is happening FOR you, not to you.
I will email you my coach’s info.
Heidi
I still want him Heidi because we have done a lot for each other to have that relationship and I want to save it I understand you still want him. The thing is, your relationship and everything you guys had together, is in the past AND the design of your relationship didn’t work for him – hence him breaking up and moving on. I know you want to rekindle what you guys used to have, but that’s not the smartest thing anyways because what you used to have didn’t last. You are keeping alive in your heart something that worked for YOU, but didn’t work for him in the end. It worked for a while, but again…it didn’t last. So trying to rekindle something that didn’t work for HIM isn’t going to work. Why would he want to step back into something that wasn’t working for him? Why would he want to come back into a relationship where he felt “bored?” I don’t know if that was his only reason, but regardless, very few people are willing to get back together into a relationship that wasn’t working.
You say you want to “save” the relationship, but there is nothing to save. You are keeping your relationship with him alive in your heart, but it’s been over for quite a while now, so there is nothing to save as he is not connected at all and has asked you to leave him alone. This is the REALITY of the present moment. You are living in the past and it is torturing you and it has caused you to cross all kinds of boundaries with him and breaking his trust.
If you really want him back into your life, then the first step is really accepting that your relationship from the past is over. You are starting from ground zero. There is no connection, there is no trust, and there is nothing to “save” because nothing exists between you guys right now. When a guy feels like a girl cannot accept the present moment and feels like she keeps living in the past, the guy will start to put walls up and not want to have anything to do with her.
Like I said before, if you don’t know you can be happy without him and find love with another man, he will never want you back. As long as you keep holding onto him and not moving on with your life, all he will feel is you being clingy, desperate and needy. He will never find you attractive if you keep throwing yourself at him and begging to get back together. Men want a confident woman. Men want a woman who KNOWS she is valuable and knows she can find love elsewhere. Men are very attracted to women who have strong internally and have good self-esteem. That’s why I keep trying to tell you to stay away and really work on letting him go and move on from him. He may never want to come back to you and may end up choosing to live his life with another woman. Is that something you can allow him to have? When you move on, you allow yourself to have an open heart for a new experience…and that new experience could be him coming back to you down the road…or not. Who knows. Either way, he has no respect for you right now and the only way you can earn that respect back, is by respecting yourself first. You are so focused on getting him back, that you are completely disconnected from your power. You believe you cannot be happy and in love without him – so you essentially are making him your God. You are giving HIM all of your joy and happiness and power. You are not respecting yourself. When you take your power back and you let him go, you teach yourself how to be happy on your own, you learn how to source your own joy and not have it attached to a man, you become empowered and a VERY attractive woman to many men.
Do you understand how your approach to getting him back is actually harming the connection? Do you understand that he doesn’t respect you because of how desperate you are to get him back?
Heidi
Okay! Good job! Well…now it’s just a waiting game. He may respond or not, but the point of that letter was for you to express yourself and not have any expectations about his response. Now, your job is to keep working on yourself and learning/growing in the areas where you have limitations that impact your relationship.
What would be the first thing you would want to really improve about yourself as a partner / person?
Heidi
Why did you hide it from your parents in the first place? What has changed for you now, that you feel you can handle letting them know about him? What makes you ready now vs. a year ago?
Are you driving by his home or work at all? He said he saw you before, so has that behavior stopped?
I’m really sorry to say this, but rekindling a relationship after almost a year and after you crossing his boundaries several times AND his friends telling you that he has moved on…I’m not going to say it’s impossible, but I will tell you that what you feel for him, he does not feel for you. So to “rekindle” feelings that he doesn’t feel for you anymore and nor does he want to…that would be pretty impossible. He has blocked you everywhere and you are afraid of him telling the police if you email him again. There is no open line of communication as it’s all been broken.
My suggestion is to move on and do as his friends have told you. If he is in another relationship, let him play that out. He will not leave her for you at this point.
Do you think you can leave him alone for a while? Would you be willing to meet another guy? I’m not sure if you “date” or not….how do you meet a guy?
Heidi
I think he feels he isn’t good enough for me. Hi Jamie, I thought I would chime in and see if I can help. This is the most spot-on statement here. With everything he is going through, of course he doesn’t feel good enough. He sees you and that you have your life put together and it would be natural for him to feel so far behind that. For men, feeling good enough in their life is all attached to being able to provide – and he can barely do that for himself right now. He most likely is soooooo filled with feeling like a failure, that the easiest thing is to “lighten the load” by disconnecting from you. Your behavior, although it was not normal, was good for you! It’s a side of you that you have never felt – nonetheless, you know you are capable of that now and can better prepare for when it gets activated again. You became a victim of those emotions instead of being an adult and taking control of that wounded energy. We all do it in various ways…now you know one way that it expresses itself through you, so it’s important for you to ALWAYS remember what you are capable of and one of the ways you sabotage trust and connection.
When someone asked why I hadn’t given up, my only thought was because that isn’t love, you don’t give up on love. Let’s talk about this a bit more. People give up on love all the time…love is simply not enough to keep people together. Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. BOTH people have to be willing to do the work in order to support a continued healthy connection. People don’t break up because of a lack of love, they break up because the relationship isn’t serving one or both people anymore. I’d like to ask you that same question, but would love to inspire a more in-depth detailed answer from you as to your “why.”
Is it fixable? I’m not going to agree with you for one simple reason. He isn’t available right now. He is filled with a lot of feelings that are all consuming for him. Failure, depression, hopelessness, not reliable, not a good boyfriend, a loser….guys take it REALLY hard when their careers are not on track and when they don’t feel like they have their shit together – and it’s even worse when the girl they are dating does. You are a reflection of everything that he is not and feels he should be. It doesn’t matter how you feel about him or view him. It will not override what he thinks about himself. It’s VERY important you understand this and what he needs. He needs your support. He needs to feel you believe in him. He needs to feel respected and listened to. He has NO capacity for you right now and you need to figure out a way to be okay with that. He needs to feel you are there for him, but from a distance. He is going through an incredibly hard time right now, so it’s a landmine kind of situation.
I want to suggest maybe writing him a letter. I would suggest handwriting it and not doing it over technology. Say something like, “I just want you to know that I am deeply sorry for how I behaved. I didn’t listen to you. I didn’t respect what you were needing from me and I got out of control. Honestly, I am glad I became that way, because I have never experienced that side of me before – and now I know what I am capable of. I never want to put you or anyone else through that again, so I have some work to do on myself. You are not responsible for my happiness. I am – and I was relying so much on you for feeling happy, that I lost sight of taking better care of myself. I know you are really struggling right now and I wish I could fix it. I know you will figure it out. I know you are resilient. I know you are smart and I know that you want more in your life. I have complete confidence in you that you are going to do everything you can to create the life you want. I understand that for right now, it’s best that I am out of the picture so you can figure out your next steps. So I’m writing this to tell you that although I am going to keep my distance, I am here for you. Just reach out and I will be there. I know I am meant to move on and not “wait” for you. I will continue living my life, of course, but know that I am always open to rekindling a different kind of connection with you when and if you ever feel ready for that. Regardless, I value and appreciate every moment I got to spend with you. I love you.”
How does saying something to this affect, feel for you?
Heidi
Im going to get me a journal and begin writing to myself, is that correct? It’s to myself I’m writing to right?? Is it okay to express all the negative as well? (Vent) I would get 2 different journals. One journal is just for writing and venting and letting everything that you carry inside, out onto the paper. One practice is just to commit to writing 3 pages each day. It doesn’t matter what you write about. Just write. Sometimes I will finish a thought and then write “I’m done saying what I want to say and I have no clue what to write anymore and this is really stupid….” It’s called free-writing where you literally write whatever comes to mind. The power of that is to learn NOT to filter and to allow EVERYTHING to be expressed, no exceptions. Say whatever, feel whatever – even if it’s judgement, stupid, silly, criticizing, anger, sadness….it ALL matters. The point is to just get it ALL out – without filters.
The 2nd journal will be for talking to yourself – your little girl side who is so incredibly fearful. But there is a certain technique I want you to use. It’s called Lef-Right handwriting. Basically, your dominant writing hand is you…the adult. Your other hand represents your little girl. And then you talk directly to her and she talks directly to you. This works really well because when you write with your non-dominant hand, you TRULY feel like a child, trying to write. It’s amazing what comes out. Here are the guidelines though. You, as the adult, are not talking her to FIX or CHANGE how she feels. You are there to love her, accept her, LISTEN and validate her experience. Imagine that she is a real child of yours and your really parenting her. So you can start by writing “I can feel that you are really afraid of this interview coming up.” Then switch the pen to the other hand and write the very first things that come to your mind. Again…no filtering. She might say “I’m scared.” You: “Tell me about what you are afraid of.” Her: “I’m scared she won’t like me.” You: “You know what? If she doesn’t like you, then I promise I will love you up soooooo much that you won’t even notice if she doesn’t like you. What else are you afraid of?” Her: “I’m afraid I will mess up.” You: “I understand. It’s scary to mess up in front of someone. I’ve done it many times. People mess up all the time. It’s pretty normal to be scared of messing up, but I’ll be here with you and remind you that everything is going to be okay.” Does this make sense? Remember, no filtering, no problem solving, no changing how she feels. Just validate and remind her she isn’t alone. She has you. AND…really allow the child energy to be present. A lot of people make the mistake of switching the pen to their non-dominant hand, but they still talk like an adult. They won’t allow themselves to deeply connect into the child energy of the fear or hurt. It can take some practice, so give it some time. It’s a wonderful and VERY powerful way to connect to that part of yourself carrying the fear.
It’s okay that you have always been a scared person. Fear seems to be a dominant force in your life and it is here to teach you and make you stronger. Use it in that way. You will never stop being afraid. It’s part of ALL of our lives. The difference will be, you will start to say “Hello fear. I see you and I feel you and I welcome you. I’m going to do this “thing” even though you are here trying to protect me from getting hurt. It’s okay. I appreciate you trying to protect me. I’ll be okay even what I am afraid of ends up happening….” This is one way to start to shift your relationship with fear. Again…it’s about getting to know it, embracing it and using it to strengthen you instead of cripple you.
The other way to lessen your fears, is by working with an expert. Finding someone who knows how to help you heal, will make all the difference in the world. Fear hangs out with us because of the stories we have created around past events in our lives. Our mind ends up believing those stories and then tries to prevent it from happening again. For example, if your parents divorced when you were young, you might have a story that says “I’m not loveable and anyone that I do love is going to leave me.” That would be a typical story because that is how children think. When events happen that are traumatic or very challenging, the brain stores it in state specific form. Meaning…if it happened when you were 3, the story that gets created about that event, will be from a 3 year old perspective. That’s why the left/write handwriting is about connecting to the child part of you that is afraid. Most of our fears come from things that happened when we were younger that we have not processed as an adult. That’s why it’s important to work with someone who knows how to navigate those stories and replace those fears with the truth of the present moment. My coach that I work with, is brilliant at that! I’m happy to email you her contact information if you are interested. Just let me know.
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
I absolutely can feel how you love him. I am not questioning that at all. How come the people at your house didn’t know you were in a relationship? Why were you lying to get out of the house? And you say you will do whatever it takes to meet him, but does that mean you are going to have to continue to lie? Are you not free to be in a relationship with him?
It sounds like you felt your connection was really amazing. It’s very hard to let something like that go. The problem is, regardless of how great it was, he did not feel the same way. His “boredom” was big enough that he chose to let go of the relationship and not keep fighting for it. You might think it’s as simple as making sure you get out of your house more to meet him, but I doubt that is all it will take. And you have a lot of repair to do since stalking him.
Are you able to wait a few weeks before emailing him. Let him have a break from you. You already emailed him and he hasn’t replied. Give him some space and let him feel like you are taking a step back and listening to what he is trying to tell you.
How about in the meantime, you craft the letter you are going to send to him. Type it out here and we can work through it together! Remember, very short and to the point with an apology.
Heidi
Holy smokes! Thank you so much for sharing!!! Good work Sandra!!! You are doing an incredible job making all of those connections!!! I love that you are waking up to how your past has influenced how you showed up in your marriage. The same is true for ALL of us. We ALL do the same things! We ALL mess up in HUGE ways because of our past wounds/programs/fears/limitations and beliefs about love. Your husband is doing the same things. How we respond to love and build our lives is based on all kinds of crap we have carried from our past. We pick partners based on this too. That’s why over 50% of marriages end in divorce…people pick partners more out of their woundedness than anything. Once you wake up to how your past affects your decisions, behaviors and feelings in the present, you are now empowered to start to make some changes in the way you want. Good job!
Now that you have made those connections, it’s time to release those beliefs/hurts/fears. Making those connections is the first part. The next part is starting down the healing path and working with that part of you that has carried those fears for decades. You are educating yourself and now it’s opened the door for healing. I hope you take those steps.
Now that you are learning about all of this, how is it impacting you?
Heidi
Rhonda! I’m so so sorry! I sure know what that feels like. It’s so incredibly frustrating and such a powerless feeling. I’m still waiting for a hospital to re-imburse me for my overpayment of surgery from 1.5 years ago. I’ve been on the phone for HOURS and still nothing. All I can do is keep calling every few months. It is a very powerless feeling when companies have your very hard earned money and won’t give it back. I’m sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.
What a bummer that nothing is showing up yet. Each time, something new has shown up for you right when it’s supposed to, so I trust your next job adventure will reveal itself in good timing. In the meantime, you have some amazing trips to experience!
Yes…mountains every weekend and lots of dog sitting these days. Summer is always busy with vacations, right? Thank goodness. The income helps a lot!
Heidi
And sometimes I need to accept how I’m feeling because I don’t want to shove them behind my brain. The “what if” is really getting to me! This is very normal. Even people with a TON of healthy self love and confidence will have times where they struggle to deal with the powerlessness of life.
So let’s talk about that for a bit and help with your perspective and how to handle WHEN this happens…because you will feel this way a gazillion more times in your life! Powerlessness is one of the hardest feelings to have to feel. People go to GREAT lengths to avoid feeling it. The truth is however, that we truly are powerless every single day in our lives and life will remind of that many times.
I keep telling myself to stop speculating and get it together. Powerlessness activates fear. Fear equals anxiety and struggle. That’s why you are “speculating.” It’s that BIG part of you wanting to try and control/be prepared for what “might” happen – so you can hurt less. Fear is always about the future and the unknown – it’s always about something that “could” happen. So the first thing to do, is to step into it. By telling yourself to stop speculating and get it together, you essentially are trying to make the fear go away without really understanding why it’s visiting you in the first place. That never works, right? You are still struggling. The only way to deal with fear is to connect to that part of yourself that is fearful and really look at the lies and programming that are sourcing it. Get to know your fears. Where did they come from? Who taught you to be afraid? What part of you is not trusting that you will okay, even if your fear comes true?
This is how you build trust in YOURSELF. People tend to put their trust in other people or trust that their day will go the way it’s planned, but that’s not actually where trust belongs. Trust belongs in YOU. The truth is, you have no idea what will happen. The truth is, even if he decides to not come back to you, you will be okay. The truth is, you can heal. The truth is, all the hurt and heartbreak in the world is an opportunity for you to become more internally strong, heal unresolved hurts from your past, learn and develop more self-love and strengthen your resilience. Trust looks like this: “No matter what happens with this situation, I KNOW I am resilient. I know I can and will heal. I will ALWAYS choose forgiveness and release any negative feelings and I WILL become stronger. I trust in myself that no matter what happens, I will be okay.” This kind of trust in yourself allows you to live in the moment and KNOW that every single situation that shows up in your life that is challenging, is here to serve you. “Life is happening FOR me, not to me.” This is what healthy, authentic, true confidence looks and feels like. Even if you get this guy back, he is going to hurt you again and vice versa. Relationships trigger so many different hidden aspects in our psyches that only love can expose. He may run, you may run, you guys might not last…you guys might last. Who knows. Either way, there are no guarantees of how anything will turn out, so that’s why working WITH your fears and building self-trust and self-love are key to handling all of life’s curve balls.
So get a journal and write about your fears. Talk to the part of yourself that is so scared of being hurt again. Tell that part that YOU got this and that YOU love her and that even if he doesn’t come back, it doesn’t mean she isn’t loveable, brilliant, amazing and wonderful. Tell her YOU love her and that you are with her ALWAYS. It’s how we talk to those wounded/scared parts that will make or break how we get through tough situations. It’s about being the kind of parent to yourself that you deserve. You don’t tell your kid to “stop feeling that way and get it together” correct? I imagine you create space for your child to feel what they need to feel. You listen. You comfort. You honor what is happening for them. So now…it’s time to give yourself that same treatment.
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Has anything happened? Are you able to get through your day just a little bit easier? Have you heard from him?
Heidi
Thank you for still being here. I know that what I’m saying is not a quick fix and what you were hoping to hear. You are quite strong to still be here and talk with me.
I’d like to hear about why you love him.
I’m sorry you have had hard experiences with love. The good thing is, you are still very young. It’s actually pretty normal for people your age to struggle with love. If you think about it, 1 in every 2 couples ends up getting divorced, so it’s quite normal to be confused and have a hard time. Divorce and breakups happen because people are not choosing their partners very well. They feel this strong connection and want to feed that connection, but they ignore all the red flags and how dysfunctional the connection is. Connection DOES NOT mean compatibility. Love is NOT enough. For a relationship to work, it requires skill, communication, commitment, facing fears, being honest, growing individually and as a couple IN THE SAME DIRECTION and so much more. Even with all of those things, couples can still separate simply because one person feels complete and wants to experience something different. We just don’t have control over the outcome of love…all we have control over is how we respond to it.
I know you love him, but one BIG RED FLAG is that after 3 years, he gets “bored” and decides to move on to another woman. This tells me he is a guy who doesn’t respect women very much and they are easily replaceable to him. The love you feel for him and the pain you feel by his absence are causing you to ignore this VERY BIG red flag.
I want to invite you to think about this for a bit…he is the 3rd guy so far where love hasn’t worked out well for you. When love doesn’t work out well, we have to look at ourselves and really look at the kind of men we are choosing to experience love with. Are they capable of deep, intimate love? Do they have the qualities that support a long-term, deep, nourishing, respectful love? Do they love themselves really well? These are questions to also ask yourself. When we are in our 20s, we are entering into being an adult and it’s a time of really experimenting and figuring things out…including love – what works and doesn’t work. Can you find some common qualities among the 3 men you have chosen? Is there a pattern of the type of guy you have been attracted to? How you have responded to this breakup, tells me there is a big part of you that doesn’t know your own value and it’s not unusual for that part of you to pick a guy who doesn’t see your value either. We teach men how to treat us. We are the ones that teach them about our value. If we invite a guy into our lives that doesn’t see our value and doesn’t believe we are worth fighting for, then it’s up to us to require something different and better. We cannot ask for someone else to treat us better than how we treat ourselves. How we treat ourselves is reflected in our love relationships. Meaning, we will attract someone to treat us the same way we treat ourselves. So if you haven’t liked how you were treated, then look inside yourself and see how you treat yourself. Are you judgemental towards yourself? Do you say mean things to yourself? Do you criticize yourself a lot? How do you talk to yourself every day?
I know your culture has very different views on love. I imagine that you were not allowed to go see him because of your cultural beliefs and you still living at home. Is this accurate? I imagine this hasn’t changed – so how would you expect things to work with your guy if that was a BIG issue and nothing has changed? Even though you were together for 3 years, there was still soooooo much you didn’t know about him because the majority of what you knew was over technology. You both had such a small snapshot into each other’s lives.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Joselin!
Wow! It sounds like things are really picking up! You guys talked for 4 hours!!! That’s spectacular! I love that! Did you happen to mention about the flowers yet? And also for him to offer to help with your car and also take your son out, I’d say you guys are slowly building the bond back up in the direction you have been wanting. A guy will not involve himself that way with a woman if he didn’t have some feelings for her. I think you are doing a great job with not texting him and allowing him the space to reach out and respond when he is ready. I think your text about the watermelon is very appropriate and is definitely okay!
Keep doing what you are doing. Let him continue to take the lead, stay connective and help him feel good about himself when he is around you! I LOVE that you threw in that compliment by the way. That was perfect! Well done!
I don’t really express myself at all actually, I feel like if I do people will think “she thinks she’s all that” so I just simply say “thank you” and smile but that’s as far as I get I wonder why you think people will think that way about you if you express how compliments feel for you. I just want to point this out, because it’s about getting to know yourself and identifying the stories/programs that live within you, that limit your joy. We all have these in our system and we are sooooo used to them, we don’t even notice. They matter though. They impact us and how we experience the moments that show up. Once you identify the story/program that isn’t true, you can start to reprogram with the truth. So instead of “she thinks she’s all that” you can replace it with “I AM all that!” Isn’t it true? If someone has that kind of reaction towards you, that’s okay! Confidence and self-love is IMPORTANT. People don’t reject that. What people reject is when the ego says “I’m all that” vs. your heart saying it. There is a different energetic texture to it. Regardless of how people see you, loving yourself and receiving someone else’s vision of you in that moment, is the greatest gift you can give yourself AND the other person offering you the compliment. It’s NO FUN complimenting someone who doesn’t receive it. Saying “thank you” with a smile barely lets the person know how they just touched your heart or made your day. It’s interesting…I listened to an interview years ago with a doctor who studied happy people. He said they found that most people take about 20 seconds to truly absorb a compliment. If they don’t take that amount of time, it usually will go in one ear and out the other and it doesn’t really impact the person’s psyche. When I learned this, I started paying attention to how I received compliments and he was right??? I would always just say “thank you” and smile and move on – I wasn’t truly receiving it, so I consciously started to make those moments last longer…for me and the other person – and it’s sooooooo much better! We both end up upleveling our energy and walking away feeling better about ourselves. Does this make sense?
Heidi
