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Holy smokes! Thank you so much for sharing!!! Good work Sandra!!! You are doing an incredible job making all of those connections!!! I love that you are waking up to how your past has influenced how you showed up in your marriage. The same is true for ALL of us. We ALL do the same things! We ALL mess up in HUGE ways because of our past wounds/programs/fears/limitations and beliefs about love. Your husband is doing the same things. How we respond to love and build our lives is based on all kinds of crap we have carried from our past. We pick partners based on this too. That’s why over 50% of marriages end in divorce…people pick partners more out of their woundedness than anything. Once you wake up to how your past affects your decisions, behaviors and feelings in the present, you are now empowered to start to make some changes in the way you want. Good job!
Now that you have made those connections, it’s time to release those beliefs/hurts/fears. Making those connections is the first part. The next part is starting down the healing path and working with that part of you that has carried those fears for decades. You are educating yourself and now it’s opened the door for healing. I hope you take those steps.
Now that you are learning about all of this, how is it impacting you?
Heidi
Rhonda! I’m so so sorry! I sure know what that feels like. It’s so incredibly frustrating and such a powerless feeling. I’m still waiting for a hospital to re-imburse me for my overpayment of surgery from 1.5 years ago. I’ve been on the phone for HOURS and still nothing. All I can do is keep calling every few months. It is a very powerless feeling when companies have your very hard earned money and won’t give it back. I’m sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.
What a bummer that nothing is showing up yet. Each time, something new has shown up for you right when it’s supposed to, so I trust your next job adventure will reveal itself in good timing. In the meantime, you have some amazing trips to experience!
Yes…mountains every weekend and lots of dog sitting these days. Summer is always busy with vacations, right? Thank goodness. The income helps a lot!
Heidi
And sometimes I need to accept how I’m feeling because I don’t want to shove them behind my brain. The “what if” is really getting to me! This is very normal. Even people with a TON of healthy self love and confidence will have times where they struggle to deal with the powerlessness of life.
So let’s talk about that for a bit and help with your perspective and how to handle WHEN this happens…because you will feel this way a gazillion more times in your life! Powerlessness is one of the hardest feelings to have to feel. People go to GREAT lengths to avoid feeling it. The truth is however, that we truly are powerless every single day in our lives and life will remind of that many times.
I keep telling myself to stop speculating and get it together. Powerlessness activates fear. Fear equals anxiety and struggle. That’s why you are “speculating.” It’s that BIG part of you wanting to try and control/be prepared for what “might” happen – so you can hurt less. Fear is always about the future and the unknown – it’s always about something that “could” happen. So the first thing to do, is to step into it. By telling yourself to stop speculating and get it together, you essentially are trying to make the fear go away without really understanding why it’s visiting you in the first place. That never works, right? You are still struggling. The only way to deal with fear is to connect to that part of yourself that is fearful and really look at the lies and programming that are sourcing it. Get to know your fears. Where did they come from? Who taught you to be afraid? What part of you is not trusting that you will okay, even if your fear comes true?
This is how you build trust in YOURSELF. People tend to put their trust in other people or trust that their day will go the way it’s planned, but that’s not actually where trust belongs. Trust belongs in YOU. The truth is, you have no idea what will happen. The truth is, even if he decides to not come back to you, you will be okay. The truth is, you can heal. The truth is, all the hurt and heartbreak in the world is an opportunity for you to become more internally strong, heal unresolved hurts from your past, learn and develop more self-love and strengthen your resilience. Trust looks like this: “No matter what happens with this situation, I KNOW I am resilient. I know I can and will heal. I will ALWAYS choose forgiveness and release any negative feelings and I WILL become stronger. I trust in myself that no matter what happens, I will be okay.” This kind of trust in yourself allows you to live in the moment and KNOW that every single situation that shows up in your life that is challenging, is here to serve you. “Life is happening FOR me, not to me.” This is what healthy, authentic, true confidence looks and feels like. Even if you get this guy back, he is going to hurt you again and vice versa. Relationships trigger so many different hidden aspects in our psyches that only love can expose. He may run, you may run, you guys might not last…you guys might last. Who knows. Either way, there are no guarantees of how anything will turn out, so that’s why working WITH your fears and building self-trust and self-love are key to handling all of life’s curve balls.
So get a journal and write about your fears. Talk to the part of yourself that is so scared of being hurt again. Tell that part that YOU got this and that YOU love her and that even if he doesn’t come back, it doesn’t mean she isn’t loveable, brilliant, amazing and wonderful. Tell her YOU love her and that you are with her ALWAYS. It’s how we talk to those wounded/scared parts that will make or break how we get through tough situations. It’s about being the kind of parent to yourself that you deserve. You don’t tell your kid to “stop feeling that way and get it together” correct? I imagine you create space for your child to feel what they need to feel. You listen. You comfort. You honor what is happening for them. So now…it’s time to give yourself that same treatment.
Heidi
Hi Jessica,
I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Has anything happened? Are you able to get through your day just a little bit easier? Have you heard from him?
Heidi
Thank you for still being here. I know that what I’m saying is not a quick fix and what you were hoping to hear. You are quite strong to still be here and talk with me.
I’d like to hear about why you love him.
I’m sorry you have had hard experiences with love. The good thing is, you are still very young. It’s actually pretty normal for people your age to struggle with love. If you think about it, 1 in every 2 couples ends up getting divorced, so it’s quite normal to be confused and have a hard time. Divorce and breakups happen because people are not choosing their partners very well. They feel this strong connection and want to feed that connection, but they ignore all the red flags and how dysfunctional the connection is. Connection DOES NOT mean compatibility. Love is NOT enough. For a relationship to work, it requires skill, communication, commitment, facing fears, being honest, growing individually and as a couple IN THE SAME DIRECTION and so much more. Even with all of those things, couples can still separate simply because one person feels complete and wants to experience something different. We just don’t have control over the outcome of love…all we have control over is how we respond to it.
I know you love him, but one BIG RED FLAG is that after 3 years, he gets “bored” and decides to move on to another woman. This tells me he is a guy who doesn’t respect women very much and they are easily replaceable to him. The love you feel for him and the pain you feel by his absence are causing you to ignore this VERY BIG red flag.
I want to invite you to think about this for a bit…he is the 3rd guy so far where love hasn’t worked out well for you. When love doesn’t work out well, we have to look at ourselves and really look at the kind of men we are choosing to experience love with. Are they capable of deep, intimate love? Do they have the qualities that support a long-term, deep, nourishing, respectful love? Do they love themselves really well? These are questions to also ask yourself. When we are in our 20s, we are entering into being an adult and it’s a time of really experimenting and figuring things out…including love – what works and doesn’t work. Can you find some common qualities among the 3 men you have chosen? Is there a pattern of the type of guy you have been attracted to? How you have responded to this breakup, tells me there is a big part of you that doesn’t know your own value and it’s not unusual for that part of you to pick a guy who doesn’t see your value either. We teach men how to treat us. We are the ones that teach them about our value. If we invite a guy into our lives that doesn’t see our value and doesn’t believe we are worth fighting for, then it’s up to us to require something different and better. We cannot ask for someone else to treat us better than how we treat ourselves. How we treat ourselves is reflected in our love relationships. Meaning, we will attract someone to treat us the same way we treat ourselves. So if you haven’t liked how you were treated, then look inside yourself and see how you treat yourself. Are you judgemental towards yourself? Do you say mean things to yourself? Do you criticize yourself a lot? How do you talk to yourself every day?
I know your culture has very different views on love. I imagine that you were not allowed to go see him because of your cultural beliefs and you still living at home. Is this accurate? I imagine this hasn’t changed – so how would you expect things to work with your guy if that was a BIG issue and nothing has changed? Even though you were together for 3 years, there was still soooooo much you didn’t know about him because the majority of what you knew was over technology. You both had such a small snapshot into each other’s lives.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Joselin!
Wow! It sounds like things are really picking up! You guys talked for 4 hours!!! That’s spectacular! I love that! Did you happen to mention about the flowers yet? And also for him to offer to help with your car and also take your son out, I’d say you guys are slowly building the bond back up in the direction you have been wanting. A guy will not involve himself that way with a woman if he didn’t have some feelings for her. I think you are doing a great job with not texting him and allowing him the space to reach out and respond when he is ready. I think your text about the watermelon is very appropriate and is definitely okay!
Keep doing what you are doing. Let him continue to take the lead, stay connective and help him feel good about himself when he is around you! I LOVE that you threw in that compliment by the way. That was perfect! Well done!
I don’t really express myself at all actually, I feel like if I do people will think “she thinks she’s all that” so I just simply say “thank you” and smile but that’s as far as I get I wonder why you think people will think that way about you if you express how compliments feel for you. I just want to point this out, because it’s about getting to know yourself and identifying the stories/programs that live within you, that limit your joy. We all have these in our system and we are sooooo used to them, we don’t even notice. They matter though. They impact us and how we experience the moments that show up. Once you identify the story/program that isn’t true, you can start to reprogram with the truth. So instead of “she thinks she’s all that” you can replace it with “I AM all that!” Isn’t it true? If someone has that kind of reaction towards you, that’s okay! Confidence and self-love is IMPORTANT. People don’t reject that. What people reject is when the ego says “I’m all that” vs. your heart saying it. There is a different energetic texture to it. Regardless of how people see you, loving yourself and receiving someone else’s vision of you in that moment, is the greatest gift you can give yourself AND the other person offering you the compliment. It’s NO FUN complimenting someone who doesn’t receive it. Saying “thank you” with a smile barely lets the person know how they just touched your heart or made your day. It’s interesting…I listened to an interview years ago with a doctor who studied happy people. He said they found that most people take about 20 seconds to truly absorb a compliment. If they don’t take that amount of time, it usually will go in one ear and out the other and it doesn’t really impact the person’s psyche. When I learned this, I started paying attention to how I received compliments and he was right??? I would always just say “thank you” and smile and move on – I wasn’t truly receiving it, so I consciously started to make those moments last longer…for me and the other person – and it’s sooooooo much better! We both end up upleveling our energy and walking away feeling better about ourselves. Does this make sense?
Heidi
No need to over-think this. 10 seconds or not, everything happened just the way it’s supposed to and it is what it is. Accept it and move forward.
I’m curious, do you ever receive compliments? How do you receive them? Do you tend to push them away or are you able to fully receive the compliment and let it go all the way in? Do you ever compliment anyone? Friends, family etc.?
Compliments, no matter what they are, need to come from the heart. That’s the most powerful part of a compliment that makes the impact…not the words. One thing you can think about with compliments is to make sure you include specifics….details. So saying “I like your hair today” you would say “Wow! Your hair looks great today! I love how it swoops over that way. It looks kind of artistic and it draws my attention to your eyes more.” or “Your outfit is great! I love the colors together and the way the shirt falls, it really makes you look sexy.” Details are more powerful because it gives someone a glimpse into what you are actually seeing. They see themselves through your eyes in much more clear way and it deepens the meaning of the compliment. Does this make sense?
I would suggest you start practicing. The more you practice, the more it will start to feel more normal and comfortable for you. I compliment strangers all the time too. I was at the vet office the other day and told the girl “I just want you to know, you are incredibly beautiful!” I didn’t give details, but I did make her feel good about herself. I compliment someone on their smile, I compliment someone on how they put an outfit together, I compliment someone on their hairstyle. We ALL could use more love and we ALL could use feeling more seen in this world. So start putting it out there and making people feel good about themselves!
Heidi
I’m curious…what ages are you? And what culture are you from?
You said you sent him an email. So that must mean you are not blocked everywhere, right? You said that he saw you driving and calls it “harassment.” I don’t know if you are still driving to “spy” on him or not, but if you are, that needs to stop.
Is your situation still the same? Would you have to lie in order to get out of your home?
I know you are afraid he is in a relationship. It really is awful imagining the person we want to be with, happy with someone else. It’s something we ALL go through as we learn we have been “replaced.” It’s incredibly difficult to know that a new girl is making him laugh and making him happy. That’s part of the healing process and letting him. If you REALLY care him, that means that HIS happiness is one of the most important things to you. What if he IS happy? What if a new girl makes him happier than when he is with you? Don’t you want the best for him? It doesn’t mean you were not good enough for him. It just means that a different person is a better match…just as a different guy would be a better match for you. I am VERY good at being in a relationship, BUT…I am far from being a good match for a guy. In fact, It’s usually the opposite…I’m usually NOT a good match for most guys. The way I communicate, the way I live my life, and the way I connect in a relationship are all very high quality BUT it truly is a very unique guy who would be able to appreciate all those things about me. Many guys are usually intrigued by me in the beginning, but then as time goes on, they realize they actually have to work on themselves if they are going to stay connected and that’s where it all falls apart. It becomes very evident that we function differently enough that it’s best to move on. They need to find someone who matches how they approach life and vice versa. So it’s never really about being good enough for someone…it’s always about matching in the right kind of ways for long-term success. It’s easy to match for short-term success, but for long-term success…there needs to be like-mindedness in how stress is handled, how you live your lives, how you spend your money and so much more.
The only thing I can think of to build trust is to get a letter to him. VERY short and to the point. You can say something like “I’m very sorry for harassing you. You know that I still have strong feelings for you and want to work things out. You told me many times that is not what you wanted and I kept trying to change your mind. I wasn’t respecting your boundaries and I wasn’t making what YOU wanted, very important. I’m very very sorry and I want you to know that I will not contact you again. I deeply hope for you to be happy. You are an amazing man and I wish for the very best to come to you. Take care.” Obviously, you write it in your own words, but only having 3-5 sentences MAX, apologizing and then letting him know you will leave him alone…that’s all you need to say. Trust has been broken pretty badly, so there is no guarantee he will even read the letter, but you can at least give it a shot. You sent him an email, so you must not be blocked that way. Can you send him another one? Or can you handwrite it and mail it?
Heidi
Is there anymore detail you can share? How is he FEELING about you? You said things spiraled out of control. I imagine he was feeling a lot of your anger and hurt that would naturally be there about your sister. What was happening when you guys were spiraling? A lot of fighting? A lot of criticism? How do YOU feel about the relationship? What do YOU need differently from him? What do you think HE needs differently from you?
When you went to the therapist, did you feel like it was a good match? You need to find the right kind of therapist where BOTH of you feel comfortable. Why do you think he would never go back?
Maybe he would be willing to do something less invasive, like go through a book with you. It sounds like there is a lot of learning that needs to occur. Maybe starting with a book can help teach both of you different ways to interact with each other – and then maybe he would be willing to try seeing a therapist again.
This is an amazing place for some resources. They offer a lot of tips and education for couples. https://www.gottman.com/
Heidi
Hi TavShad,
I know it’s really hard to fall in love and then not have it work out. You said you have been through this 3x now and it’s either him or no one. That’s a pretty depressing outlook. I’m wondering why you would put that kind of pressure on yourself. I’ve been through it 6 times. I want to encourage you that love and relationships are all about learning and growing and much of the time, it doesn’t work out. That’s okay! We learn, we heal, we grow and then we meet someone new to give us a new experience of love and ourselves. It doesn’t have to stop after going through this 3x. I’m guessing you are have no energy to “fight” anymore because you have a lot of unresolved hurt you are carrying around inside. If your spirit is tired, it’s tired of carrying the past around. I’m guessing you are energetically tired of carrying around a 1,000 pounds of baggage that holds your anger, hurt, resentment and all the other stuff that shows up when someone hurts us.
If he was bored with the relationship, do you know why? What about the relationship was boring? Do you understand and agree with how he felt? Do you see why he felt that way?
Unless you deeply understand what was missing, he will not come back to you. It’s important to understand that however you guys were interacting, it wasn’t working, so he is not going to want to come back to that design, regardless of how much you miss him.
After 10 months apart and after you stalking him and still continuing to cross his boundaries by contacting him, there is A LOT of trust that has been broken. It’s pretty difficult to repair that when that kind of trust has been broken. He doesn’t trust you will respect his boundaries and he doesn’t trust that you are a safe person to be with. Whether you feel you are obsessed or not, your actions are telling him you are and he will receive it that way. That is something a guy will have nothing to do with.
You are so single focused on getting him back so you can feel better, that you are missing the damage that is happening by you constantly trying to reach him.
I doubt he is going to respond to you, as he stayed away every other time. My suggestion is to give him some space. All he knows about you at this point is that you haven’t moved on, you want him back and you are stalking him. The first way to build the trust back up again is to leave him alone and actually do what he is asking.
I want to suggest letting him go. I know this sounds opposite of how to get a guy back, but you not feeling happy without him, you not moving on, you stalking him, you saying he is the last one you are ever going to love….that mindset is not going to bring him back – it’s pushing him farther away from you. The mindset that you can be happy without him, the mindset that you are okay without him, the mindset that you are empowered and strong without him…that is what attracts men more than anything. You have already learned that chasing after him doesn’t work and it causes him to put more walls up against you.
Are you willing to let him go and do some internal work on yourself? Are you willing to get some help and work with a therapist or coach? Clearing out a lot of the hurt you carry, helps make all of this much more doable and possible. You can discover that you have the energy to fall in love again…with someone who doesn’t feel bored and instead with someone who values and appreciates you for exactly who you are.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know you want a solution to get him back. The thing is, there is a lot of damage that has been done, so the way I am suggesting to shift things is the way to build trust back. It’s going to take quite a while, IF it works.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh good! What did you say? How did he respond? He must have had some kind of thought about what you said. Was there a conversation at all about it? I hope you allowed him some space to respond before changing subjects.
Stay in step 3 for a while. Let your intuition guide you before moving forward. Give it some time and space and get him used to feeling good around you. Make sure you don’t bombard him with compliments as that is not realistic and his radar will come up thinking you are wanting something from him. Only throw in compliments here and there. Many women go overboard on this step and it has the opposite effect than intended, because they overdo it.
What do you feel you need to learn about compliments? There isn’t another article I can think of, but that’s why we are here…to help with deeper understanding.
Heidi
Oh my goodness! I would LOVE to come along 🙂 You are figuring it all out and it sounds wonderful!!! I can’t wait to hear about it! I get to vicariously live through you!
Heidi
Oh wow! What an awful, horrific thing to lose your daughter that way. That makes me sick to my stomach. How long ago did that happen? Did he ever get any help to process this traumatic loss? Has he ever worked with a specialist?
he has been very responsible with his kids yes he left them but he has always provided for them even into their adult life. Providing for them is VERY different than being in a good relationship with them. Either way, he has a lot to deal with.
My guess is, the anger coming at you sometimes is just a reflection of the anger he carries within himself. It would be natural for him to feel like he wasn’t able to protect his daughter. This is called projection. It’s when someone projects what they feel on the inside, onto someone else on the outside. Most people are not aware they are doing it and it’s much safer for them to point the finger at someone else than to face the baggage they are carrying.
His lack of eye contact has nothing to do with you being “disgusting.” That is YOUR story that you are putting on his choice, not his. It’s important for you to see that and recognize it. That is YOU projecting on him. There is some part of you that things/believes you are disgusting – and so you choose to think that he must think that too and that’s why he won’t look at you. Does this make sense?
My guess is, he isn’t looking at you because he is carrying so much shame/guilt inside and he just can’t take it anymore. He has a GIANT ball of darkness sitting inside of him and he is doing everything he can to manage that in the way that he knows how. He needs some help. Carrying something like that inside is meant to be dealt with delicately and with an expert who can guide him through how to handle it without breaking him into pieces. My guess is though, this is not something he will ever be willing to do – so he will just continue to manage it by keeping it buried and contained.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emma,
I love that you are a happy jolly person. I love that you want to set the tone of good communication with respect and forgiveness. This is definitely a very powerful way to approach any situation – he is very lucky to be connected to someone like you.
It sounds like you are just going to wait this out. You are going to stay positive and hope that if and when he decides he is ready to connect again, you will be there and you guys will talk about what it means to move forward. Am I understanding correctly?
It’s easy for a guy to say “don’t think about it too much or analyze everything I do.” Guys don’t get it. Our operating system is very different than theirs and we just don’t function that way. How can he expect you NOT to analyze your relationship when he has completely disconnected and won’t talk to you about anything? You have nothing else to do except try and piece the puzzle together with the little information you do have. His choice and how he is handling all of this is incredibly unkind and uncaring to you and the relationship and it doesn’t sound like he completely understands that. Either way, it sounds like you are going to just wait and you are at peace with that choice.
Heidi
Hi TavShad,
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge with us. It truly is awful to have to let go of someone you love. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this!
How come you guys broke up? It sounds like he may have been cheating on you and decided he wanted to be with that girl instead of with you. You were together for 3 years. Do you feel like HE was happy with you? Can you see any of the signs that he wasn’t happy with you before he broke it off?
I want to encourage you to stop contacting him. He has set several boundaries of which you are not honoring or respecting. All that tells him is that you are not listening to him and what he wants and you are going to just go after what you want. It causes him to not feel safe with you. You are stalking him on some level and that is never a healthy behavior and certainly will not get him back. It’s a type of obsession. You feel like you can’t live without him – I know it feels that way, but it’s not true. If you don’t know that you can find your happiness and peace and joy in your life WITHOUT him, then you are giving HIM all your power – and that becomes a very co-dependent connection – of which will never work or last. If he died, would you still be saying that? Would you spend the rest of your life in suffering and misery because he was gone?
He needs to know that you can be happy without him – and you need to know that too. Instead of you are constantly chasing him as if he is your only source of love. If you guys are ever going to get back together or even if you move on and find love elsewhere, as long as you keep relying on the man to make you feel happy, then your relationships will never last in any sort of healthy way. I imagine you would like to fall in love and have it be a beautiful, powerful, nourishing exchange, yes??? That takes work and VERY deliberate choices to take care of yourself and be 100% responsible for your own happiness – not relying on your guy to make you feel that way.
I know this is probably not what you wanted to here, but my guess is, your stalking / needy type of behavior is what is driving him away.
Thoughts?
Heidi
