Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Yes, I am understanding you. I understand that you feel love for him very deeply and that you cannot and do not want to give up and let him go. So what happens if he ends up really falling in love with another woman? What happens if he never comes back to you? What are you going to do then? What if you and him are not meant to be together?
I keep trying to guide you in the direction of taking care of yourself and moving on because that is your BEST chance to get him back. Do you understand that the connection with him really got broken when you kept trying to talk to him and get him to come back to you? It might be damage that is not repairable. The BEST chance you have at repairing it, is leaving him alone. DO NOT contact him anymore. DO NOT try and get his or your friends to talk to him. He needs a lot of time away from you. Every time you have tried to reconnect, he has gotten irritated. So now…when he thinks of you, he will feel irritation and he will feel like you don’t listen to him and he will not feel good if he thinks about you. He needs to experience you in a positive way. The BEST way to do that, is to stop pressuring him and to stop trying to get back together. You keep wanting to push him into doing something he doesn’t want to do. His feelings for you are now negative instead of positive because of your pushing. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh there is sooooo much to talk about! I love love love talking about dating and really helping women in your position (which are a lot) where they have no idea how to choose/attract a healthy relationship.
I understand your fear. You don’t trust yourself. That’s the first step and it sounds like you are building that with your therapist. What you CAN trust about yourself is to ask for help. If you are questioning or not sure about a guy, ALWAYS ask friends, come back here, ask your therapist and get other opinions/persepctives. It’s one of the BEST ways to really make sure you staying in alignment with what you want in your life.
If your father and brothers feel like a healthy relationship, let’s just start there. Describe to me how you feel when you are with them. What do you think makes those relationships healthy for you? How do they treat you when they are made or hurt about something you did? And vice versa…how do they respond when you confront them about something they did that hurt you?
You said that you were too scared NOT to marry him. You knew it wasn’t a good thing, but you did it anyways. I first want to point out that your intuition is spot on. You KNOW when something isn’t right for you, so the issue is more about you LISTENING and taking action according to what you are sensing about a guy instead of ignoring it. What were so afraid of that caused you to marry him? Whatever it was, you were more afraid of NOT marrying him, than marrying him. In the end, you left anyways and are learning that it’s all okay! So part of learning to trust yourself, is learning how to face your fears instead of letting the fears make the decision for you. You will ALWAYS have fear. It’s just part of life. Fear is always about the future…something that has not happened yet. Our minds make up these “stories” about the consequences will be if we step into a certain direction. Learning to differentiate between a healthy fear and wounded fear is your first step. If you identity that the fear is coming from wounded, unprocessed energy (from the past), then learning how to step into it, face it, embrace it and move through it, is an important part in recognizing a healthier, more nourishing kind of love. Does this make sense?
Did you let him know you were ending things? Did you block him? If you haven’t done that yet, what is stopping you?
Heidi
I’m so glad you are here and that I was able to validate what you already knew. Learning to trust yourself can be a tricky thing. Good job for coming here to get some perspective! That’s what healthy people do…they ask for help. If they don’t know, they research and look for many different perspectives. You are never alone Kolene. There are always people out there who are willing to help, so know that if you just reach out and ask for support, ideas, guidance etc. you will be able to find what you need.
It sounds like you want to end things, so make it short and simple. Send him a message saying something like “I’ve decided that it’s best for me to end things. I wish you the very best in your life. Take care.” DO NOT go into explaining anything. He is not a safe person to share anything with. He will find a way to use it against you, so the more information you give him, the more chance there is for it to come back and bite you. I would also suggest immediately blocking him on all the channels that he is able to connect with you. He most likely will not have an understanding or respectful response, so it’s best to protect yourself from any backlash. Does this approach feel okay for you?
Let’s talk about what a healthy relationship is. What does that mean to you? What does a healthy relationship look like? Have you ever gotten help or worked with someone to help you process your last relationship?
Heidi
The thing is TavShad, that doesn’t exist. I know you want to start afresh, but that is not possible because he doesn’t trust or respect you. There has been damage and that can’t just disappear. He is not going to forget that you crossed his boundaries several times. It’s been almost a year and you are still not willing to go live your life. You have connected your joy and love to HIM and you are making him the ONLY option for you. He is not interested and most guys find that to be a very unattractive quality and will not ever want to get back together.
I’m curious…what is happening for you that you are not willing to go live your life? You have the power within you to find joy and love and happiness WITHOUT him. You can find love with another man. How come you are not willing to let yourself move on? He is NOT the only guy that can make you happy. If you let go of him, if you let go of that love, what do you think will happen?
Heidi
I think he is just confused….like he was that last time we split when my life struggles got in the way and consumed me. It feels like you are still taking 100% of the responsibility for the split due to your health and the abuse. It also sounds like you are making excuses for him instead of holding him accountable for HIS side of things. Challenge is what always breaks the connection – you have 2 people who are not on the same page. They are not approaching the challenge in a similar enough way to keep things together. The thing about this situation, is you are learning how he is handling it. He reached his capacity and just can’t be there for you anymore. He needs to be there for himself. What happens when another challenge comes around? Is he going to bail again?
Let’s look at why he left. I know I have very limited detail, so I’m just going to go off of what you told me. He left because his actions were co-dependent. That means: Meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself. Sure, this is going to happen sometimes and it can increase when your partner has health issues. But when you don’t take care of yourself in the process, you end up emptying yourself out for the other person. Why? Because your identity is tied to that behavior and you don’t know how to be any other way. It’s how your system is tied into your belief/definition of “love.” The truth is though, it’s a very wounded/unhealthy frequency of love. It’s the “martyr” archetype – I’m going to sacrifice myself for you. So many heroes in movies will sacrifice themselves for the good of the whole, right?? In some way, he was filling up his self-esteem by being a hero for you. But then the abuse showed up and he just didn’t have any more left in him to be your hero again. Good for him that he left. He finally chose himself – something he should have been doing all along. The thing about what he might be feeling is, is resentful. People who have co-dependent tendencies end up burying all THEIR needs and feelings in order to make room for the person they are in service to. This builds anger and resentment and left unprocessed, they will start to sabotage connection. I wonder if he is connecting any of his behaviors to how he feels. Or is he mostly pointing the finger at you and your health challenges and abuse challenges? Is he taking 100% responsiblity for HIS choices in how things ended up the way they are right now? My guess is, probably not.
You guys had an unhealthy pattern that slowly became the demise of your relationship. You both contributed and participated 100% to this design. You both also had no idea what you were doing. You guys were doing the very best you could and it was enough…until it wasn’t. So now what? You are doing such great work. You have asked for help from several different experts, you are reading and learning about how to heal, you have recognized your patterns and are working with them and you have taken ownership of your side of things. You are taking ACTION. That is the best thing you could possibly do. The part where that also can become a problem is having a partner who doesn’t take action. He finally made a good choice by deciding to focus on himself for once, but if that is about as far as he goes with it, it’s not going to change his core issues that put in that position in the first place. He will come back to the relationship with the same patterns, same feelings, same behaviors and he will eventually feel unhappy AGAIN. It’s important for you to REALLY understand this…he was unhappy because of HIS choices and the baggage he carries inside, not because of you and how you handled your health issues or abuse. So now, he goes away and wants to focus on himself, but doesn’t do any internal work, healing, learning (like what you are doing) to create a different design for himself. He just creates space for himself and that’s it. Then let’s say he comes back. Your relationship will work really well for a while because YOU have shifted a lot. You are working on yourself so the patterns that used to exist, are changed. The love grows and the relationship grows for quite a while. And then he will start to feel unhappy again. Why? Because he never dealt with the ball of emotions he has learned to bury his entire life. You may get 10 more years out of him before he actually says something, but eventually, that ball of toxic emotions will get his attention again and cause him to take action again…he will most likely leave or do something to sabotage the connection.
This is how our pyches work. I know you love him. Love will not fix what he carries inside. What he carries inside makes him emotionally unavailable. If he doesn’t take action and step into his “baggage” then you will just be inviting him, along with that ball of toxic emotions, back into your life, only to end up where you are at right now. The ball of toxic emotions ALWAYS wins over love as long as a person doesn’t actively work with it. It will ALWAYS sabotage connection eventually. THIS is what caused him to leave you. THIS is not your responsiblity. THIS is what is making him feel unhappy…not you. This is HIS side of the equation. You have your own ball of toxic emotions that you are getting to know and understand right now. We all have it. It’s our “baggage” – our unprocessed feelings/stories/programs from our past. The relationships that work and stay healthy and nourished and together, are the ones where both people take ownership of it and work in the same direction.
With all of this being said, I understand you are still going to want him back into your life. You love him. You want to “fix” things with him. The part that I am really challenging with your mindset is the story you have created about this breakup. This whole time, you have this flavor of “It’s all my fault. If I just handled things differently, this wouldn’t have happened.” And so you are trying to do everything to “fix” your relationship – and it worked last time, so you are hoping it can work this time. The thing is, you may have gotten him back last time, but he didn’t stay did he? You “fixed” things last time, but here you are again. The relationship is still broken. So you are trying to “fix” things again, without really looking at what the underlying core issues are here. Why is your relationship broken? It’s not because of your health issues or your abuse issues. It’s not because he gave too much. It’s because of the stories you both carry deep inside about love and the ball of toxic emotions that are influencing how you show up in life. You are working on getting to know that part of yourself, he is not. This is why getting him back will only bring you full circle to where you are now…who knows how long it will take, but nonetheless, you will end up back here. The only fighting chance you guys have, is if BOTH of you really do the work.
I love him and believe in our relationship and truly don’t think our story is over. I know this is where you are at. I completely understand you want to keep fighting. It may feel like I am trying to convince you otherwise. What I am trying to do, is to get you to understand what you are actually fighting for. Love will blind people. All I want for you is to help you open up your eyes and get connected to the truth. The truth is, you are NOT responsible for his happiness. He was unhappy because of HIM, not you. You are not at “fault” for this breakup. You BOTH contributed plenty of dysfunctional patterns. There is nothing to “fix” here. The most powerful thing you can do is connect with yourself, your stories, your patterns and all the layers that are being exposed for you right now. Then…if he comes back, then at least you will have done everything you could have done to be the best partner possible.
For now, it’s just going to be a waiting game. Trust that he got your letter and he will respond when he is ready. He needs some time and space. Let him have it. There is no need to reach out. Your chances are much better if you let him come to you instead of trying to re-connect yourself. HE needs to make that decision to come back. Space is probably the best medicine for him right now. I know this is hard for you and it’s such a powerless feeling. I hope you are addressing this in your therapy and tapping sessions.
Heidi
You really are setting yourself up for success! Let me know how it goes with your tapping practitioner! Wow…the Emotion Code. I haven’t heard about that in over a decade. I forgot about that technique. Trauma runs EVERYBODY’S lives. Noboby really has a clue about it either. It’s subtle and affects so many areas of our lives. Most of it is stored on a subconscious level with hardly anyone understands. It influences all of our choices! Our relationships, our health, our finances, our careers…there are signs and symptoms ALL OVER that tell us when wounded energy is up front and center and in the driver’s seat. Most people don’t know about those signs or how to read the subconscious signals. It really should be a subject in school…how to learn about yourself and what to do. I love that you are connecting all of the dots though. You are waking up to a new you and becoming more and more empowered.
Is it ok to reach out to him after a week or so. Or should I check back in with you first. 2 weeks yesterday since the split and no contact so far. I want to invite you to consider something. You are wanting to get your guy back, but also possibly ignoring a red flag here. If he doesn’t reach out and doesn’t say anything about your letter or even acknowledge that you wrote something for him…then what do you think that says about him? If you step in and reach out and try to connect, wouldn’t you say that is more forcing YOUR agenda vs. really sitting back and seeing what kind of guy he is? If he doesn’t acknowledge your letter, then what? You really want to keep fighting for a guy who isn’t interested in connecting with you? And if you do want to fight for a guy like that, how come? This is the part where trauma/wounded energy can run your love life. Trauma energy chases “unavailable” men. Trauma energy gives in and has no standards. It’s your adult energy that says “I have standards and expect to be treated a certain way.” Trauma energy says “Who cares about those standards. I love him and want him back so I don’t have to keep feeling this emptiness and void. I want him back so I don’t have to feel this pain.” Adult energy says “I know this hurts, but it’s only temporary. We can heal. I deserve to be with a man who cannot go a single day without WANTING to connect with me. I want to be with a man who works through things WITH me. I expect my partner to communicate his needs to me.” Trauma energy says “Connection with him and fighting for him is all that matters.”
It’s wounded, little girl energy that chases after an emotionally unavailable man. Loving someone ALSO needs to include loving yourself. If loving someone is NOT a loving thing for YOU, a nourishing thing for YOU, then the love you feel for him is not balanced nor healthy and is more filled with wounded/trauma energy.
I’m not saying this is what is happening 100% for you, but I want to invite you to explore this. It will only make sense for you if you discover the CORE, TRUE energy that is sourcing your need to chase after him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
What’s it like to dog sit? Most of the time, it’s pretty great. Lots of snuggles, lots of funny moments and lots of different outings. However, there are hard moments too. Emergency room visits, dogs that pee and mark in your house, dogs that are escape artists…those moments are always really hard. They don’t happen often, but it is part of the experience. It’s a lot of output though…for me. I’m not a normal dog sitter. I make sure every single day there is an adventure of some sort, so it’s time consuming and many times a 6am adventure outside because of the heat. Winter gets tough too, especially with the little guys and the fluffy guys that get tons of ice stuck in their fur. I also do not have a yard, so it’s extra walks each day. Having a house and yard would make it all so much easier.
It sounds like you had quite the adventure yourself. I’m so sorry it didn’t turn out the way you had expected. I’m still incredibly impressed with how you are figuring out how to navigate everything – in a foreign country! Really! You are learning so much and it’s amazing!
I’m not surprised that Bob went instead of you. There’s nothing to really think about it other than it’s what you can expect from him. You trust him less? I’m surprised you trust him at all.
Heidi
Hi Eutona!
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge and story with us. It’s so incredibly confusing, isn’t it? One day, everything is going smooth and easy and it’s wonderful – and then it’s not. I’m so glad you are here getting another opinion, because the first thing I want to say is RUN!
Is it toxic? Absolutely. First, it’s important for you to understand that he is controlling you…right from the beginning. To tell you that you can’t talk to other guys is waaaaaay overstepping and a HUGE red flag. To get upset that you don’t want a relationship – another HUGE red flag. To start to go hot and cold – a 3rd HUGE red flag. This guy has toxicity written all over him.
I understand you are coming out of a divorce and there is a lot you may not be able to see. I’ll go through this a bit more so you can learn what to look for when on a date so you can keep yourself safe.
First, THE MOST IMPORTANT thing you are always looking for in a person is how they handle stress. How do they treat you, themselves, and others when tension is high. Already this guy is showing you that when he is uncomfortable or insecure, he wants to control you. You end up heading into “defensive” mode trying to convince him that you are not doing what he thinks you are doing (talking to other men) – which you know that pattern well coming out of an abusive relationship, right? He also “guilt trips” you when you say you don’t want a relationship quite yet. That’s a very passive-aggressive way to control you so he can get what he wants. Then he goes hot / cold. This is also another passive-aggressive technique of connecting, then not connecting which is a way to “punish” you. I’m not saying this guy is aware of what he is doing. I don’t know, of course. But that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that he is showing you that he behaves like a child when he doesn’t get what he wants and he also carries the potential to be emotionally or physically abusive (his direct approach to telling you that you are not allowed to talk to other guys).
He is showing you that when he feels insecure, he gets controlling and passive-aggressive. It doesn’t matter how great the communication was or how great the connection was. Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. He is showing you that he DOES NOT treat you with respect when HE is feeling insecure or hurt. His type of patterns show that he is not the type to forgive easily, if at all. Lung cancer energetically also has to do with a lot of anger/grief that is unprocessed.
Now…most importantly, it is so crucial for YOU to pay attention to how you are feeling around him. You have had to defend yourself MANY times already because he isn’t believing what you say. NO! That is not okay. The moment you start to feel defensive with anyone, it’s time to walk away. You don’t need to defend yourself or your values to anyone. It’s YOUR job to put a stop to that kind of “attack” by simply not participating in their insecurities about who want to be and how you want to live in this world. Being in an abusive relationship, you no doubt spent an incredible amount of time trying to keep the peace and keep him happy. You don’t have to do that anymore. It’s so important for you to really work on taking your power back. The moment a guy makes you feel anything close to what you are stepping out of, know that it’s a RED FLAG and pay super close attention to the dynamics happening.
Does this make sense? I know I came on strong with you. I hope that it’s okay. Your heart is sooooooo incredibly sacred and valuable. This guy has no clue how to take care of it. It’s still your choice, of course, how you would like to handle this. If you want to stay connected, then let’s talk about it more. If you feel clear that it’s time to cut off completely, I’m happy to help with how to do that as well. Let me know!
Heidi
Hi Joselin,
I want to invite you to look at this idea you have of trying to do the “right” thing. There really is no such thing and an illusion. What is “right” is extremely relative. I can’t tell you how many times I followed the “rules” or “playbook” and did the “right” thing and did not get the results I wanted. I’ve also done the “wrong” thing a gazillion times and have received amazing results I couldn’t even imagine. Would you be willing to just let the idea of what is “right” go and trust that however things end up between you guys…you will be okay and it will be exactly what both of you need. If you can trust in that, then there is no need to be pensive. You can just be your authentic self – even if it’s messy. I mean think about it…your messiness brought you here. You have learned a lot and are growing like crazy! Wouldn’t you say that your messiness has brought you more gifts than not??? So take a breath and relax into being okay to just be yourself. Do whatever you feel inspired to do and you will be okay no matter what the result is. It’s all the process anyways. If the results trigger you or upset you, then it is just another opportunity to grow and heal, right? Remember, EVERYTHING is happening FOR you, not to you.
I will email you my coach’s info.
Heidi
I still want him Heidi because we have done a lot for each other to have that relationship and I want to save it I understand you still want him. The thing is, your relationship and everything you guys had together, is in the past AND the design of your relationship didn’t work for him – hence him breaking up and moving on. I know you want to rekindle what you guys used to have, but that’s not the smartest thing anyways because what you used to have didn’t last. You are keeping alive in your heart something that worked for YOU, but didn’t work for him in the end. It worked for a while, but again…it didn’t last. So trying to rekindle something that didn’t work for HIM isn’t going to work. Why would he want to step back into something that wasn’t working for him? Why would he want to come back into a relationship where he felt “bored?” I don’t know if that was his only reason, but regardless, very few people are willing to get back together into a relationship that wasn’t working.
You say you want to “save” the relationship, but there is nothing to save. You are keeping your relationship with him alive in your heart, but it’s been over for quite a while now, so there is nothing to save as he is not connected at all and has asked you to leave him alone. This is the REALITY of the present moment. You are living in the past and it is torturing you and it has caused you to cross all kinds of boundaries with him and breaking his trust.
If you really want him back into your life, then the first step is really accepting that your relationship from the past is over. You are starting from ground zero. There is no connection, there is no trust, and there is nothing to “save” because nothing exists between you guys right now. When a guy feels like a girl cannot accept the present moment and feels like she keeps living in the past, the guy will start to put walls up and not want to have anything to do with her.
Like I said before, if you don’t know you can be happy without him and find love with another man, he will never want you back. As long as you keep holding onto him and not moving on with your life, all he will feel is you being clingy, desperate and needy. He will never find you attractive if you keep throwing yourself at him and begging to get back together. Men want a confident woman. Men want a woman who KNOWS she is valuable and knows she can find love elsewhere. Men are very attracted to women who have strong internally and have good self-esteem. That’s why I keep trying to tell you to stay away and really work on letting him go and move on from him. He may never want to come back to you and may end up choosing to live his life with another woman. Is that something you can allow him to have? When you move on, you allow yourself to have an open heart for a new experience…and that new experience could be him coming back to you down the road…or not. Who knows. Either way, he has no respect for you right now and the only way you can earn that respect back, is by respecting yourself first. You are so focused on getting him back, that you are completely disconnected from your power. You believe you cannot be happy and in love without him – so you essentially are making him your God. You are giving HIM all of your joy and happiness and power. You are not respecting yourself. When you take your power back and you let him go, you teach yourself how to be happy on your own, you learn how to source your own joy and not have it attached to a man, you become empowered and a VERY attractive woman to many men.
Do you understand how your approach to getting him back is actually harming the connection? Do you understand that he doesn’t respect you because of how desperate you are to get him back?
Heidi
Okay! Good job! Well…now it’s just a waiting game. He may respond or not, but the point of that letter was for you to express yourself and not have any expectations about his response. Now, your job is to keep working on yourself and learning/growing in the areas where you have limitations that impact your relationship.
What would be the first thing you would want to really improve about yourself as a partner / person?
Heidi
Why did you hide it from your parents in the first place? What has changed for you now, that you feel you can handle letting them know about him? What makes you ready now vs. a year ago?
Are you driving by his home or work at all? He said he saw you before, so has that behavior stopped?
I’m really sorry to say this, but rekindling a relationship after almost a year and after you crossing his boundaries several times AND his friends telling you that he has moved on…I’m not going to say it’s impossible, but I will tell you that what you feel for him, he does not feel for you. So to “rekindle” feelings that he doesn’t feel for you anymore and nor does he want to…that would be pretty impossible. He has blocked you everywhere and you are afraid of him telling the police if you email him again. There is no open line of communication as it’s all been broken.
My suggestion is to move on and do as his friends have told you. If he is in another relationship, let him play that out. He will not leave her for you at this point.
Do you think you can leave him alone for a while? Would you be willing to meet another guy? I’m not sure if you “date” or not….how do you meet a guy?
Heidi
I think he feels he isn’t good enough for me. Hi Jamie, I thought I would chime in and see if I can help. This is the most spot-on statement here. With everything he is going through, of course he doesn’t feel good enough. He sees you and that you have your life put together and it would be natural for him to feel so far behind that. For men, feeling good enough in their life is all attached to being able to provide – and he can barely do that for himself right now. He most likely is soooooo filled with feeling like a failure, that the easiest thing is to “lighten the load” by disconnecting from you. Your behavior, although it was not normal, was good for you! It’s a side of you that you have never felt – nonetheless, you know you are capable of that now and can better prepare for when it gets activated again. You became a victim of those emotions instead of being an adult and taking control of that wounded energy. We all do it in various ways…now you know one way that it expresses itself through you, so it’s important for you to ALWAYS remember what you are capable of and one of the ways you sabotage trust and connection.
When someone asked why I hadn’t given up, my only thought was because that isn’t love, you don’t give up on love. Let’s talk about this a bit more. People give up on love all the time…love is simply not enough to keep people together. Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. BOTH people have to be willing to do the work in order to support a continued healthy connection. People don’t break up because of a lack of love, they break up because the relationship isn’t serving one or both people anymore. I’d like to ask you that same question, but would love to inspire a more in-depth detailed answer from you as to your “why.”
Is it fixable? I’m not going to agree with you for one simple reason. He isn’t available right now. He is filled with a lot of feelings that are all consuming for him. Failure, depression, hopelessness, not reliable, not a good boyfriend, a loser….guys take it REALLY hard when their careers are not on track and when they don’t feel like they have their shit together – and it’s even worse when the girl they are dating does. You are a reflection of everything that he is not and feels he should be. It doesn’t matter how you feel about him or view him. It will not override what he thinks about himself. It’s VERY important you understand this and what he needs. He needs your support. He needs to feel you believe in him. He needs to feel respected and listened to. He has NO capacity for you right now and you need to figure out a way to be okay with that. He needs to feel you are there for him, but from a distance. He is going through an incredibly hard time right now, so it’s a landmine kind of situation.
I want to suggest maybe writing him a letter. I would suggest handwriting it and not doing it over technology. Say something like, “I just want you to know that I am deeply sorry for how I behaved. I didn’t listen to you. I didn’t respect what you were needing from me and I got out of control. Honestly, I am glad I became that way, because I have never experienced that side of me before – and now I know what I am capable of. I never want to put you or anyone else through that again, so I have some work to do on myself. You are not responsible for my happiness. I am – and I was relying so much on you for feeling happy, that I lost sight of taking better care of myself. I know you are really struggling right now and I wish I could fix it. I know you will figure it out. I know you are resilient. I know you are smart and I know that you want more in your life. I have complete confidence in you that you are going to do everything you can to create the life you want. I understand that for right now, it’s best that I am out of the picture so you can figure out your next steps. So I’m writing this to tell you that although I am going to keep my distance, I am here for you. Just reach out and I will be there. I know I am meant to move on and not “wait” for you. I will continue living my life, of course, but know that I am always open to rekindling a different kind of connection with you when and if you ever feel ready for that. Regardless, I value and appreciate every moment I got to spend with you. I love you.”
How does saying something to this affect, feel for you?
Heidi
Im going to get me a journal and begin writing to myself, is that correct? It’s to myself I’m writing to right?? Is it okay to express all the negative as well? (Vent) I would get 2 different journals. One journal is just for writing and venting and letting everything that you carry inside, out onto the paper. One practice is just to commit to writing 3 pages each day. It doesn’t matter what you write about. Just write. Sometimes I will finish a thought and then write “I’m done saying what I want to say and I have no clue what to write anymore and this is really stupid….” It’s called free-writing where you literally write whatever comes to mind. The power of that is to learn NOT to filter and to allow EVERYTHING to be expressed, no exceptions. Say whatever, feel whatever – even if it’s judgement, stupid, silly, criticizing, anger, sadness….it ALL matters. The point is to just get it ALL out – without filters.
The 2nd journal will be for talking to yourself – your little girl side who is so incredibly fearful. But there is a certain technique I want you to use. It’s called Lef-Right handwriting. Basically, your dominant writing hand is you…the adult. Your other hand represents your little girl. And then you talk directly to her and she talks directly to you. This works really well because when you write with your non-dominant hand, you TRULY feel like a child, trying to write. It’s amazing what comes out. Here are the guidelines though. You, as the adult, are not talking her to FIX or CHANGE how she feels. You are there to love her, accept her, LISTEN and validate her experience. Imagine that she is a real child of yours and your really parenting her. So you can start by writing “I can feel that you are really afraid of this interview coming up.” Then switch the pen to the other hand and write the very first things that come to your mind. Again…no filtering. She might say “I’m scared.” You: “Tell me about what you are afraid of.” Her: “I’m scared she won’t like me.” You: “You know what? If she doesn’t like you, then I promise I will love you up soooooo much that you won’t even notice if she doesn’t like you. What else are you afraid of?” Her: “I’m afraid I will mess up.” You: “I understand. It’s scary to mess up in front of someone. I’ve done it many times. People mess up all the time. It’s pretty normal to be scared of messing up, but I’ll be here with you and remind you that everything is going to be okay.” Does this make sense? Remember, no filtering, no problem solving, no changing how she feels. Just validate and remind her she isn’t alone. She has you. AND…really allow the child energy to be present. A lot of people make the mistake of switching the pen to their non-dominant hand, but they still talk like an adult. They won’t allow themselves to deeply connect into the child energy of the fear or hurt. It can take some practice, so give it some time. It’s a wonderful and VERY powerful way to connect to that part of yourself carrying the fear.
It’s okay that you have always been a scared person. Fear seems to be a dominant force in your life and it is here to teach you and make you stronger. Use it in that way. You will never stop being afraid. It’s part of ALL of our lives. The difference will be, you will start to say “Hello fear. I see you and I feel you and I welcome you. I’m going to do this “thing” even though you are here trying to protect me from getting hurt. It’s okay. I appreciate you trying to protect me. I’ll be okay even what I am afraid of ends up happening….” This is one way to start to shift your relationship with fear. Again…it’s about getting to know it, embracing it and using it to strengthen you instead of cripple you.
The other way to lessen your fears, is by working with an expert. Finding someone who knows how to help you heal, will make all the difference in the world. Fear hangs out with us because of the stories we have created around past events in our lives. Our mind ends up believing those stories and then tries to prevent it from happening again. For example, if your parents divorced when you were young, you might have a story that says “I’m not loveable and anyone that I do love is going to leave me.” That would be a typical story because that is how children think. When events happen that are traumatic or very challenging, the brain stores it in state specific form. Meaning…if it happened when you were 3, the story that gets created about that event, will be from a 3 year old perspective. That’s why the left/write handwriting is about connecting to the child part of you that is afraid. Most of our fears come from things that happened when we were younger that we have not processed as an adult. That’s why it’s important to work with someone who knows how to navigate those stories and replace those fears with the truth of the present moment. My coach that I work with, is brilliant at that! I’m happy to email you her contact information if you are interested. Just let me know.
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
I absolutely can feel how you love him. I am not questioning that at all. How come the people at your house didn’t know you were in a relationship? Why were you lying to get out of the house? And you say you will do whatever it takes to meet him, but does that mean you are going to have to continue to lie? Are you not free to be in a relationship with him?
It sounds like you felt your connection was really amazing. It’s very hard to let something like that go. The problem is, regardless of how great it was, he did not feel the same way. His “boredom” was big enough that he chose to let go of the relationship and not keep fighting for it. You might think it’s as simple as making sure you get out of your house more to meet him, but I doubt that is all it will take. And you have a lot of repair to do since stalking him.
Are you able to wait a few weeks before emailing him. Let him have a break from you. You already emailed him and he hasn’t replied. Give him some space and let him feel like you are taking a step back and listening to what he is trying to tell you.
How about in the meantime, you craft the letter you are going to send to him. Type it out here and we can work through it together! Remember, very short and to the point with an apology.
Heidi
