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Hi Eleni, welcome! I can feel your heartbreak and I can feel how badly you want him back. I don’t blame you. The pain of heartbreak feels so incredibly awful and it takes awhile to repair. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. It sounds like he just reached his limit. It also sounds like he is not the forgiving type. I know he “forgave” you in the very beginning, but did he really? Did you feel like he let go of the hurt from being cheated on? It sounds like he kept checking on you. What is he doing looking at your Instagram messages in the first place?
I felt sometimes that I did it because I got attention from someone while I missed it from my boyfriend. But I know that I should have talked about it more specifically to fix this problem. I think it’s really important for you to understand your pattern here. You cheated on him when you first got together and I imagine you felt awful and probably said “I will never do this again” and here you are. I know you didn’t physically cheat, but you emotionally and energetically cheated, which has the same impact on your partner. And you are saying “I will never do this again.” The thing is, you are FULLY capable of doing this again. It’s important you really really really hear this…you are capable of doing this again! With just the right mixture of feelings, emotions, triggers etc. we ALL are capable of doing things far outside of our character. One thing I’ve learned over the years is how to recognize my own personal signs and symptoms that I’m heading outside the lines that keep me in my integrity and living in the way that I want.
Now that you understand you are seeking attention and that is why you flirt, let’s go a little deeper. Like most females, we learn the power of our sexuality and how to use it to source our self-esteem and value. You weren’t getting sourced by your guy, so you went elsewhere. You are using an external source (men) to feel your value instead of sourcing yourself. Our self-esteem can only be truly sourced from within – otherwise, it’s all just a quick fix band-aid kind of thing. You want something sustainable and you want a foundation of love within you that is so strong that it can hold up against even the worst of storms. This kind of foundation is built from within – not from without.
So the issue here is 2-fold – you are using men to source your self-esteem and you don’t know how to handle your stressors and triggers in a healthy way. Your coping mechanism of flirting- sabotages connection. So you can’t fix this in the future by “talking to him about it.” That doesn’t change the emptiness you feel inside when you are not getting attention. If you want to TRULY shift this coping mechanism of yours, it’s about diving deep into this pattern and getting to know it inside and out AND learn new ways to start to source yourself. What happens if you are not getting attention? What kinds of feelings come up for you? What stops you from talking to him about what you need from him?
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for sharing. I love that I am able to help bring more truth into your perspective. I’m honored that you have let me into your journey!
I’m sure your heart dropped with his response. However, I think at the very least, he got to be seen and validated by you and that’s always a good thing.
I want to suggest asking for your journal back. He doesn’t need to read it. It’s about you and your story and right now, he needs to stop trying to empathize with you. Besides, your journal is something so incredibly personal and it’s also a very limited picture of all the layers you are. It can actually be a very damaging thing and cause him to want to step further away from you. He needs to have the picture and experience of you TODAY – the woman who is taking the bull by the horns and doing her work – your journal is your past and full of all kinds of thoughts and emotions that are in a place of transforming into something much more powerful. Are you sure you want him to read your past? Are you sure you want him to only have the story your journal expresses? Because that’s not who you are anymore – and it’s not like he can read your journal and then ask you questions about it and talk to you about it. You guys are not in a relationship anymore. He needs to go take care of himself and THEN get to know the new you – not the journal part of you. Thoughts on this?
I’m so glad to hear the tapping is helping. It can be such a powerful technique!
I’m pretty open to any and all avenues of healing. Oh my goodness, there are sooooooo many! I’ve been studying/experiencing/researching healing for decades! It’s an infinite source of entertainment for me. Trust that if it’s time for a new technique or method or level of healing, you know it. I ALWAYS am guided, as just the right time, into healing – through various modalities that catch my attention. For now, what you are doing is working and you are experiencing results. Stick with it!!! Seriously…you are doing an incredible job!
Heidi
I understand you feel stuck. Everything in you is invested in this one person, this love you feel, this idea of a relationship with him. It fills you up completely and without it, you are faced with the feeling of your entire world falling apart. Of course, you want to keep the idea of you and him being together alive. You want to keep sourcing that idea because without it, you will have to face the emptiness you actually feel inside. We all do this in many different ways. We will fill ourselves with distractions like spending money, over eating or eating in unhealthy ways, obsessing over someone, constantly seeking romance, having a lot of sex and the list goes on and on and on. All these addictions and choices are consuming and help us get from day to day in the best way we know how. When it becomes an addiction, like this guy is to you, we end up being consumed by it and don’t know how to survive without it. That is an addiction. ANYTHING or ANYONE or ANY FEELING we are in constant relationship with and can’t live without. Addictions are full of all kinds of lies…like the lie that you are stuck. You are not stuck. You don’t have to stay in this same place of suffering. You can actually choose a different path and face your fears. You just don’t want to. You want this guy to fix how you are feeling instead of taking responsibility for your own life and happiness. Things around you don’t have much importance because you are not willing to let them. As long as you keep this guy as your only source for happiness, then the rest of your world will feel gray without him. BUT…you could choose to learn how to be your own source and face the pain of the loss and heal.
The core truth here is, you are carrying an incredible amount of hurt inside – and it was there way before this guy came along. The loss of him is just highlighting all the baggage you are carrying. I don’t know what happened in your life that has left you feeling so empty and lonely – but whatever it is, it’s destroying your light. You have a light inside TavShad. You have a beautiful ability to love and connect. As long as you keep using this guy as your source for your light, you are going to slowly die…even if you got back together. Having him in your life doesn’t change the baggage and the hurt and the emptiness you carry. That will always be with you, until you face it. Now is a really good time for you to face it. Are you willing? Are you willing to learn about yourself? Do you want to find true happiness, within YOURSELF that is there whether or not a guy is in your life? Do you want to feel valuable and loveable WITHOUT needing him or any other person to tell you that? This is what is possible for you, if you are willing to create a different vision for yourself. It’s hard work, of course, and it’s scary, but it’s going to give you exactly what you are looking for….lots and lots of love that is limitless. Trying to re-connect with this guy is not going to give you that.
So what do you think? Are you willing to try something different? You don’t have to stay stuck. You can heal. Just like Catherine said, she healed and would always look back so glad she didn’t end up with that guy. This is possible for you too, if you want. It’s your choice. I know you can do it if you set your mind to it.
Heidi
I don’t want him to go through a bad relationship and since he is someone who is rich I don’t want people to love him because of that. Because in the past, the girls were only loving him for his money. He jumps into relationship very quick which make me more afraid. He don’t realise but people use him and when we were together, I always ensured that people are not speaking to him just for his money. So you don’t trust him to be able to take care of himself? Don’t you think that people using him is a VERY IMPORTANT thing for him to experience to help him become more aware? Besides, he is a grown man. He can take care of himself. People with money know that other people want to use them. I am around a lot of very wealthy people and 100% of them are completely aware of this. For you to feel like you need to “protect” him is you behaving like his mother and treating him like a child. He doesn’t need you to protect him. He needs you to trust him. He gets to make the choices he wants to make, whether you agree with it or not. You trying to “protect” him by controlling other people is NOT your job and nor is it a healthy dynamic.
Yes I work and I only work. As for health, I don’t know and a roof so I live with my parents. I’m still learning today so I can keep my mind busy but I’ve just been failing for the past one year now. I can’t concentrate. So your life hasn’t fallen apart has it? You still have your needs met, even though you don’t have him in your life. You are so afraid that your world will come crashing in if you can’t have him, but you have lived without him for many months now and you are okay! Do you see the lie that you are allowing to keep you in a lot of fear?
I don’t want another man Heidi, it’s the third person I’ve loved and it is the only person I’ve been in a relationship and that’s enough. You don’t get to decide what is enough. I wish we all could, but that’s just not how life works. I’ve been in love 6 times in my life and each time, I said to myself “This is it. I want to really make this work and really invest in this long term.” Well…it didn’t work out the way I wanted. You DO NOT have the kind of control that you want. So whether you like it or not, you don’t get to have this guy. So now your choices are 1. Keep down the path you are on. Maybe someday you will get to talk to him again, maybe not. I don’t know. Either way, you can keep waiting until the end of time and you probably will never have him back again. But you get to wait and not move on. That’s your choice. or 2. You can decide that you want more for your life than waiting around for a guy who doesn’t want you. He has communicated to you (by blocking you everywhere) that he is not interested in connecting. You can embrace his choice, choose to let go and face your fears and find out you are okay…and heal. Those are your choices RIGHT NOW. Your life is your design, so you get to choose how you want to respond by not getting what you want from him.
Decisions can be changed if there is a line of communication between us. Possibly but not likely. Whatever happened between you guys, it caused him to block you everywhere – that says “I don’t want to be with you and I have no interest in talking with you. Leave me alone.” Being that this is what he wants, you don’t have the option to talk with him and try to change his mind. Besides, like I’ve told you many times, I doubt there is anything you can say to change his mind. You act in very desperate and needy ways and that is something the majority of guys want nothing to do with. But…like I said, you get to do whatever you want.
but why being so harsh on me Heidi. I am offering you truth and a deeper understanding about yourself and your behavior that caused such a strong need for him to put up really big boundaries. It just doesn’t seem like you are interested in learning and growing. You just want him back and have no interest in learning about all the different dynamics that put you in this position in the first place. You could get him back, but that doesn’t address what caused the breakup in the first place. He was “bored.” And I’m wondering if you had so much co-dependent behavior that it turned him off. You said you did everything for him. You did his assignments, you supported him and I imagine lived your life for him. This is not a dynamic that will keep a guy interested. So you get him back, but then all you are going to do is spend ALL of your time trying to make sure he is happy and then he will get bored again and then he will leave. So what’s the point of getting back together then and going through all of that pain again? The thing is TavShad, it just seems you want to stay in your suffering. You only are allowing for 1 way to feel better…and that is getting him back. Well…what are you going to do when you can’t change his mind? What are you going to do when you learn he is with someone else? What are you going to do when you beg him to come back and he just gets irritated and angry again?
What I am wanting to guide you towards, is learning and trusting yourself, that when you don’t get what you want, you will be okay. You have sooooo much life to live and many ways to live it. The door has closed on this relationship and you keep standing at the door knocking. There are other doors you can go through, but that is something you are not willing to do – so you get to stay in suffering and keep knocking at that door until you are in enough pain that you finally walk away and discover that there is a WHOLE WORLD out there waiting for you.
What you want, no one can give you. What you need – love and support and healing – is something available for you when you are ready.
Heidi
When I think of him being with someone else….my heart beats really fast and I feel very weak. I feel scared. I can understand why you so badly want him back. If you had him back, you wouldn’t have to feel this. Let’s talk about this more though. What are you afraid of? What kind of fears come up when you think about him being with someone else? I’m sure there are a handful of different fears, so tell me all of them.
Letting go of Him….I feel I’m losing everything, my world is crashing and crashing and I want to look after him give him all my support and love. I know it FEELS like your world is crashing in, but let’s ask this…is that actually true? You have been apart for almost a year now. You still have your health, you still have a roof over your head, you still have ways to make money, I imagine you still have desires and dreams. Are you passionate about anything in your life? Are you connected at all to your life purpose? Do you know what kind of impact you want to have in this world?
I know I’ve to think of his happiness but I want to work very hard to make him realise that we can be happy together. I’m not getting obsessed but I just want us to be happy together and we can surely do that. You say on one hand you should think of his happiness BUT it only matters to you as long as it is with you. This is a very conditional kind of love. You only want him to be happy WITH YOU and that actually is NOT caring about his happiness at all. It’s only caring about YOUR happiness. There is no HIM in this equation. His needs, his desires, his knowing about what makes him happy, doesn’t matter. You are basically saying that you know what is better for him than he does. You believe that he could be the happiest he could ever be as long as he is with you. But HE doesn’t believe that and you are basically saying that YOU know. You are not trusting his path. You are not trusting HIM. You are not trusting that he knows what is best for him. You want to push YOUR desires onto him when it’s not what he wants. That is actually NOT caring nor loving him.
I’d really, deeply love to see you find your happiness and peace and joy on your own. You have sooooo much to offer this world. You have so much to offer another man. I would hate to see you choose to throw all of that away because you cannot have him. The more you focus on him and believing that having him is the only way for you to be happy, the more you are limiting yourself and making your life very small.
Tell me about your life. Tell me about what is possible for you outside of him. I imagine that even when you guys were together, you did all kinds of other things that didn’t involve him. What were they?
Heidi
Wow! I would have hung up and tried for another time. 2 hours??? That’s crazy! I totally get stupid repetitive music/message. It gets sooooo incredibly irritating. Especially after a few hours. Hopefully it ended up getting resolved!
Heidi
yayaya! This is a MAJOR decision! I’m making progress and will one day find someone worthy of the love I have to give. The way for this to happen is by making yourself the very first recipient of the amazing love you have to give. This decision did exactly that! You loved yourself more than the fear of being alone and more than the sadness of the loss and more than the little connection you were receiving from him. You DO got this! You made a decision to protect yourself AND your son.
I’m glad you feel relieved. Now don’t be surprised is part of you starts to think about him more and wanting to reach back out again and connect in some sort of way. It wouldn’t be unusual. Expect this to happen and immediately start to love and parent yourself through that. Just like your son and how he sometimes wants things that you don’t want him to have because it’s not good for him…you tell him no…lovingly…and hopefully explain why it isn’t good for him. You parent your little girl’s energy in the same way. You lovingly hold some boundaries for her so you can keep her safe. Does this make sense?
So I want to go back to helping you create a vision for what a healthy relationship looks like. There are a lot of things to look out for when you start dating someone and I want to start to teach you how to go about it a little differently.
First, here is a great resource for you: https://www.gottman.com/
All the information they put out is spectacular and can really help create a more clear picture of what a healthy relationship is. One of my favorite books of theirs is called “The Man’s Guide to Women.” Yes, it’s a book written for men, but it’s short, simple and brilliant. I found it helpful for me because it helped me understand what science has shown the role of the man and how to be the most effective. It also goes into a lot of explaining about what women want and need and it helped me understand myself as well. It’s a quick read and good place to start. They also have many other books and blog posts and seminars/classes. It’s a great place to help keep you heading in a good direction for yourself.The most important part of dating is having a guide post, so to speak. You need to be VERY clear about what your core values are. What ar your non-negotiables? What can you NOT live without in a relationship? Then once that becomes much more clear for you, you date according to those qualities – meaning, you ask your questions and you are observing if that man in front of you carries those qualities. If not, it’s over. So when you create this “list” it truly is non-negotiable. If he doesn’t carry 100% of the qualities you NEED in order to feel nourished in a relationship, then it isn’t going to work. If he has 9 out of 10 qualities, it won’t work…that’s how solid this list is. I’ll walk you through this as long as you are willing. But a good place to start is to think about these categories: Health, family, money, interpersonal, lifestyle, sex and spirituality. It’s just a place to start, so let yourself explore these categories freely. For example, I CANNOT live without romance. Without it, my spirit will die. So it’s a non-starter if a guy isn’t romantic and doesn’t love the creativity of that energy. I also have to have a guy who LOVES animals. Tolerating them is not enough for me. I need him to LOVE them, not just as a nice pet, but as members of the family. I am surrounded by dogs all the time and care for them deeply. I want to have a rescue at some point as well and I support organizations that do the same. It’s a HUGE part of my life that keeps me balanced and he would need to be someone who found joy out of it as well. He doesn’t need to be involved to the level that I am, but he needs to love animals if I am going to let him into my very sacred heart. He also needs to be active. I cannot be with a guy who doesn’t enjoy moving his body. That is the primary way that I play in my life…hiking, biking, volleyball, soccer, tennis, slackline etc. I am very athletic so this is my version of fun. Him being active is non-negotiable. He doesn’t need to be athletic, but he does need to take care of his body through movement somehow. These are just a few examples.
Have fun with this. Create a folder where you write all of this down. Maybe get a notepad and carry it with you as you allow your mind to explore this area of your life!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kolene,
Thank you for sharing more details! There is no such thing as oversharing here. It helps us guide you in a better direction.
maybe it’s sad to me that he’s just gone. While I’m uncertain if anything he said was true including his feelings, mine were and if I delete him and block him then he’s just gone. I don’t know it’s super lame because I know it’s for the best and I know it’s not what I want in a partner, but it’s hard for me. Let’s talk about this. This is what gets everyone in trouble, including yourself. Your fear of letting him go is greater than staying connected to a controlling man. Here is a basic rule to follow as you date: Someone cannot give you something they don’t have. Meaning, he cannot love you if he doesn’t love himself. You cannot love him, if you don’t love yourself. I know it feels like “love” but it’s more a love that is sourced by wounded energy vs. a healthy, nourishing, respectful kind of love. It’s not love when loving someone is not loving yourself. Meaning, when you say you love someone, is it a loving thing to do for yourself to love that person??? Here you are, still “loving” this guy, yet it’s not a loving thing to do for yourself. He is not respectful, kind or caring about you. Yet you want to stay connected? The truth is, I think it’s sad to let him go, not because of letting HIM go, but because you will have to feel the aloneness. You want to stay connected so you can avoid feeling what is there when he is not “keeping you company.” He is a great “target” to put your emotions towards. So if he is gone for good, then what? What feelings come up for you? You are holding onto him, even though he is not healthy for you and even though you guys are barely talking – how is this connection serving you? Staying connected is helping you avoid something else that you don’t want to face…what is it? What are you running from?
And p.s. NO! No friendship! NO helping him through cancer! DO NOT fall into the trap of trying to save him or help him. You will only be stepping right back into another emotionally abusive relationship. STAY AWAY!!! I know it is so much easier said than done. That’s why facing the core root cause of why you are choosing this, is important. Whatever is happening inside of you, it’s causing you to choose unhealthy men and it’s causing you to stay connected to another unhealthy guy – KNOWING he is not good for you. You are learning that what is driving you, has nothing to do with what you know, but instead how you feel. You carry some wounded, little girl energy who so desperately wants to be love and connected to a man, that she is willing to be treated poorly. Would you want to introduce this man to your father? Do you think your father would respect how this man is treating you?
Heidi
You have done everything you can do at this point. You have this love for him but he DOES NOT feel that love for you. You want to fight for the relationship but he DOES NOT want to be with you. You cannot make someone feel something that isn’t there for them anymore. You tried to be friends, you tried communicating and you’ve tried giving him a little space. The result…he has blocked you and only gets irritated. Like I previously said, any contact with you or you making efforts to try and get back together are things that are irritating him.
You keep thinking that if he just unblocked you, you could talk to him and somehow fix this and say something that would re-ignite his feelings for you. That’s just not how it works. At this point, he wants you to leave him alone. He is not responding to any emails you have sent. He has not reached out to you. He is telling you – by ignoring you – that he does not want to get back together. The more you try and talk to him, the further you will push him away.
I really want you to think about this. You say you love him, but everything you have said here shows me that you are more interested in what you want and do not care about what he wants. When you truly love someone, what they want matters to you – even if goes against what you want. Healthy love is respectful and honoring of BOTH people’s needs. Love that lasts, has 2 people who LISTEN to each other. So far, all I have experienced from you is that you do not care about what HE wants. You do not care about what HE needs. You do not care about how HE feels. All I see from you is that what YOU feel is all that matters. You are so focused on what YOU want and he doesn’t matter. You believe in this story that you guys could be happy together and it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t want to be with you…what you believe is all that matters. If this is how you behave and treat him, why would he want to be with someone who treats him that way? You say you are not obsessed, but from what I have seen here, nothing exists except for him. You are choosing to focus all your time and energy on finding ways to get him back, so you lose your joy and happiness and stop living your life. This is an obsession and it causes so much suffering.
There are other, more healthy ways out of this pain and emptiness you feel by not having him in your life. I wonder what you are avoiding in your life. It feels like he keeps you company and somehow helps you not have to feels the other parts of your life. Not having him, means you have to feel all the other feelings that are awful. Are you willing to talk about this? Let’s say he IS in love and with someone else – you need to let him be happy. You need to trust him that he knows what is best for himself. Where does that leave you? What kinds of feelings come up? What happens when you think about letting him go?
Heidi
Yes, I am understanding you. I understand that you feel love for him very deeply and that you cannot and do not want to give up and let him go. So what happens if he ends up really falling in love with another woman? What happens if he never comes back to you? What are you going to do then? What if you and him are not meant to be together?
I keep trying to guide you in the direction of taking care of yourself and moving on because that is your BEST chance to get him back. Do you understand that the connection with him really got broken when you kept trying to talk to him and get him to come back to you? It might be damage that is not repairable. The BEST chance you have at repairing it, is leaving him alone. DO NOT contact him anymore. DO NOT try and get his or your friends to talk to him. He needs a lot of time away from you. Every time you have tried to reconnect, he has gotten irritated. So now…when he thinks of you, he will feel irritation and he will feel like you don’t listen to him and he will not feel good if he thinks about you. He needs to experience you in a positive way. The BEST way to do that, is to stop pressuring him and to stop trying to get back together. You keep wanting to push him into doing something he doesn’t want to do. His feelings for you are now negative instead of positive because of your pushing. Does this make sense?
Heidi
Oh there is sooooo much to talk about! I love love love talking about dating and really helping women in your position (which are a lot) where they have no idea how to choose/attract a healthy relationship.
I understand your fear. You don’t trust yourself. That’s the first step and it sounds like you are building that with your therapist. What you CAN trust about yourself is to ask for help. If you are questioning or not sure about a guy, ALWAYS ask friends, come back here, ask your therapist and get other opinions/persepctives. It’s one of the BEST ways to really make sure you staying in alignment with what you want in your life.
If your father and brothers feel like a healthy relationship, let’s just start there. Describe to me how you feel when you are with them. What do you think makes those relationships healthy for you? How do they treat you when they are made or hurt about something you did? And vice versa…how do they respond when you confront them about something they did that hurt you?
You said that you were too scared NOT to marry him. You knew it wasn’t a good thing, but you did it anyways. I first want to point out that your intuition is spot on. You KNOW when something isn’t right for you, so the issue is more about you LISTENING and taking action according to what you are sensing about a guy instead of ignoring it. What were so afraid of that caused you to marry him? Whatever it was, you were more afraid of NOT marrying him, than marrying him. In the end, you left anyways and are learning that it’s all okay! So part of learning to trust yourself, is learning how to face your fears instead of letting the fears make the decision for you. You will ALWAYS have fear. It’s just part of life. Fear is always about the future…something that has not happened yet. Our minds make up these “stories” about the consequences will be if we step into a certain direction. Learning to differentiate between a healthy fear and wounded fear is your first step. If you identity that the fear is coming from wounded, unprocessed energy (from the past), then learning how to step into it, face it, embrace it and move through it, is an important part in recognizing a healthier, more nourishing kind of love. Does this make sense?
Did you let him know you were ending things? Did you block him? If you haven’t done that yet, what is stopping you?
Heidi
I’m so glad you are here and that I was able to validate what you already knew. Learning to trust yourself can be a tricky thing. Good job for coming here to get some perspective! That’s what healthy people do…they ask for help. If they don’t know, they research and look for many different perspectives. You are never alone Kolene. There are always people out there who are willing to help, so know that if you just reach out and ask for support, ideas, guidance etc. you will be able to find what you need.
It sounds like you want to end things, so make it short and simple. Send him a message saying something like “I’ve decided that it’s best for me to end things. I wish you the very best in your life. Take care.” DO NOT go into explaining anything. He is not a safe person to share anything with. He will find a way to use it against you, so the more information you give him, the more chance there is for it to come back and bite you. I would also suggest immediately blocking him on all the channels that he is able to connect with you. He most likely will not have an understanding or respectful response, so it’s best to protect yourself from any backlash. Does this approach feel okay for you?
Let’s talk about what a healthy relationship is. What does that mean to you? What does a healthy relationship look like? Have you ever gotten help or worked with someone to help you process your last relationship?
Heidi
The thing is TavShad, that doesn’t exist. I know you want to start afresh, but that is not possible because he doesn’t trust or respect you. There has been damage and that can’t just disappear. He is not going to forget that you crossed his boundaries several times. It’s been almost a year and you are still not willing to go live your life. You have connected your joy and love to HIM and you are making him the ONLY option for you. He is not interested and most guys find that to be a very unattractive quality and will not ever want to get back together.
I’m curious…what is happening for you that you are not willing to go live your life? You have the power within you to find joy and love and happiness WITHOUT him. You can find love with another man. How come you are not willing to let yourself move on? He is NOT the only guy that can make you happy. If you let go of him, if you let go of that love, what do you think will happen?
Heidi
I think he is just confused….like he was that last time we split when my life struggles got in the way and consumed me. It feels like you are still taking 100% of the responsibility for the split due to your health and the abuse. It also sounds like you are making excuses for him instead of holding him accountable for HIS side of things. Challenge is what always breaks the connection – you have 2 people who are not on the same page. They are not approaching the challenge in a similar enough way to keep things together. The thing about this situation, is you are learning how he is handling it. He reached his capacity and just can’t be there for you anymore. He needs to be there for himself. What happens when another challenge comes around? Is he going to bail again?
Let’s look at why he left. I know I have very limited detail, so I’m just going to go off of what you told me. He left because his actions were co-dependent. That means: Meeting the needs of others at the expense of yourself. Sure, this is going to happen sometimes and it can increase when your partner has health issues. But when you don’t take care of yourself in the process, you end up emptying yourself out for the other person. Why? Because your identity is tied to that behavior and you don’t know how to be any other way. It’s how your system is tied into your belief/definition of “love.” The truth is though, it’s a very wounded/unhealthy frequency of love. It’s the “martyr” archetype – I’m going to sacrifice myself for you. So many heroes in movies will sacrifice themselves for the good of the whole, right?? In some way, he was filling up his self-esteem by being a hero for you. But then the abuse showed up and he just didn’t have any more left in him to be your hero again. Good for him that he left. He finally chose himself – something he should have been doing all along. The thing about what he might be feeling is, is resentful. People who have co-dependent tendencies end up burying all THEIR needs and feelings in order to make room for the person they are in service to. This builds anger and resentment and left unprocessed, they will start to sabotage connection. I wonder if he is connecting any of his behaviors to how he feels. Or is he mostly pointing the finger at you and your health challenges and abuse challenges? Is he taking 100% responsiblity for HIS choices in how things ended up the way they are right now? My guess is, probably not.
You guys had an unhealthy pattern that slowly became the demise of your relationship. You both contributed and participated 100% to this design. You both also had no idea what you were doing. You guys were doing the very best you could and it was enough…until it wasn’t. So now what? You are doing such great work. You have asked for help from several different experts, you are reading and learning about how to heal, you have recognized your patterns and are working with them and you have taken ownership of your side of things. You are taking ACTION. That is the best thing you could possibly do. The part where that also can become a problem is having a partner who doesn’t take action. He finally made a good choice by deciding to focus on himself for once, but if that is about as far as he goes with it, it’s not going to change his core issues that put in that position in the first place. He will come back to the relationship with the same patterns, same feelings, same behaviors and he will eventually feel unhappy AGAIN. It’s important for you to REALLY understand this…he was unhappy because of HIS choices and the baggage he carries inside, not because of you and how you handled your health issues or abuse. So now, he goes away and wants to focus on himself, but doesn’t do any internal work, healing, learning (like what you are doing) to create a different design for himself. He just creates space for himself and that’s it. Then let’s say he comes back. Your relationship will work really well for a while because YOU have shifted a lot. You are working on yourself so the patterns that used to exist, are changed. The love grows and the relationship grows for quite a while. And then he will start to feel unhappy again. Why? Because he never dealt with the ball of emotions he has learned to bury his entire life. You may get 10 more years out of him before he actually says something, but eventually, that ball of toxic emotions will get his attention again and cause him to take action again…he will most likely leave or do something to sabotage the connection.
This is how our pyches work. I know you love him. Love will not fix what he carries inside. What he carries inside makes him emotionally unavailable. If he doesn’t take action and step into his “baggage” then you will just be inviting him, along with that ball of toxic emotions, back into your life, only to end up where you are at right now. The ball of toxic emotions ALWAYS wins over love as long as a person doesn’t actively work with it. It will ALWAYS sabotage connection eventually. THIS is what caused him to leave you. THIS is not your responsiblity. THIS is what is making him feel unhappy…not you. This is HIS side of the equation. You have your own ball of toxic emotions that you are getting to know and understand right now. We all have it. It’s our “baggage” – our unprocessed feelings/stories/programs from our past. The relationships that work and stay healthy and nourished and together, are the ones where both people take ownership of it and work in the same direction.
With all of this being said, I understand you are still going to want him back into your life. You love him. You want to “fix” things with him. The part that I am really challenging with your mindset is the story you have created about this breakup. This whole time, you have this flavor of “It’s all my fault. If I just handled things differently, this wouldn’t have happened.” And so you are trying to do everything to “fix” your relationship – and it worked last time, so you are hoping it can work this time. The thing is, you may have gotten him back last time, but he didn’t stay did he? You “fixed” things last time, but here you are again. The relationship is still broken. So you are trying to “fix” things again, without really looking at what the underlying core issues are here. Why is your relationship broken? It’s not because of your health issues or your abuse issues. It’s not because he gave too much. It’s because of the stories you both carry deep inside about love and the ball of toxic emotions that are influencing how you show up in life. You are working on getting to know that part of yourself, he is not. This is why getting him back will only bring you full circle to where you are now…who knows how long it will take, but nonetheless, you will end up back here. The only fighting chance you guys have, is if BOTH of you really do the work.
I love him and believe in our relationship and truly don’t think our story is over. I know this is where you are at. I completely understand you want to keep fighting. It may feel like I am trying to convince you otherwise. What I am trying to do, is to get you to understand what you are actually fighting for. Love will blind people. All I want for you is to help you open up your eyes and get connected to the truth. The truth is, you are NOT responsible for his happiness. He was unhappy because of HIM, not you. You are not at “fault” for this breakup. You BOTH contributed plenty of dysfunctional patterns. There is nothing to “fix” here. The most powerful thing you can do is connect with yourself, your stories, your patterns and all the layers that are being exposed for you right now. Then…if he comes back, then at least you will have done everything you could have done to be the best partner possible.
For now, it’s just going to be a waiting game. Trust that he got your letter and he will respond when he is ready. He needs some time and space. Let him have it. There is no need to reach out. Your chances are much better if you let him come to you instead of trying to re-connect yourself. HE needs to make that decision to come back. Space is probably the best medicine for him right now. I know this is hard for you and it’s such a powerless feeling. I hope you are addressing this in your therapy and tapping sessions.
Heidi
You really are setting yourself up for success! Let me know how it goes with your tapping practitioner! Wow…the Emotion Code. I haven’t heard about that in over a decade. I forgot about that technique. Trauma runs EVERYBODY’S lives. Noboby really has a clue about it either. It’s subtle and affects so many areas of our lives. Most of it is stored on a subconscious level with hardly anyone understands. It influences all of our choices! Our relationships, our health, our finances, our careers…there are signs and symptoms ALL OVER that tell us when wounded energy is up front and center and in the driver’s seat. Most people don’t know about those signs or how to read the subconscious signals. It really should be a subject in school…how to learn about yourself and what to do. I love that you are connecting all of the dots though. You are waking up to a new you and becoming more and more empowered.
Is it ok to reach out to him after a week or so. Or should I check back in with you first. 2 weeks yesterday since the split and no contact so far. I want to invite you to consider something. You are wanting to get your guy back, but also possibly ignoring a red flag here. If he doesn’t reach out and doesn’t say anything about your letter or even acknowledge that you wrote something for him…then what do you think that says about him? If you step in and reach out and try to connect, wouldn’t you say that is more forcing YOUR agenda vs. really sitting back and seeing what kind of guy he is? If he doesn’t acknowledge your letter, then what? You really want to keep fighting for a guy who isn’t interested in connecting with you? And if you do want to fight for a guy like that, how come? This is the part where trauma/wounded energy can run your love life. Trauma energy chases “unavailable” men. Trauma energy gives in and has no standards. It’s your adult energy that says “I have standards and expect to be treated a certain way.” Trauma energy says “Who cares about those standards. I love him and want him back so I don’t have to keep feeling this emptiness and void. I want him back so I don’t have to feel this pain.” Adult energy says “I know this hurts, but it’s only temporary. We can heal. I deserve to be with a man who cannot go a single day without WANTING to connect with me. I want to be with a man who works through things WITH me. I expect my partner to communicate his needs to me.” Trauma energy says “Connection with him and fighting for him is all that matters.”
It’s wounded, little girl energy that chases after an emotionally unavailable man. Loving someone ALSO needs to include loving yourself. If loving someone is NOT a loving thing for YOU, a nourishing thing for YOU, then the love you feel for him is not balanced nor healthy and is more filled with wounded/trauma energy.
I’m not saying this is what is happening 100% for you, but I want to invite you to explore this. It will only make sense for you if you discover the CORE, TRUE energy that is sourcing your need to chase after him.
Thoughts?
Heidi
