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Oh wow! That is incredibly frustrating. There really are no notaries there? Of course, you feel powerless. You have no idea how to get your money back. I wonder if there is some sort of way to legally make someone in Canada a representative for you…and then they can get it notarized and what not. I imagine that would be quite the process though. I wonder if you somehow got a letter sent to them from a lawyer to add pressure. There has to be away. It’s so incredibly difficult with you being there though. It’s so sad that this is how they are doing business. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
So I am still scratching my head about Bob. Just do not figure that guy out at all. I’m wondering why? There is nothing to figure out about him. It’s quite simple actually. He is unpredictable, he has a super high need for control and that’s all there is to really understand about him. He may have moments of appreciating you, but for the most part, he is an incredibly unhappy person who gets his power by being controlling and telling everyone what to do…HIS way. That’s pretty consistent. So what is so confusing?
Are you feeling better?
Heidi
Hi TavShad.
I”m so sorry that you feel like your life is not worth living if you don’t have him in your life. What happened 5 years ago? What is all of this deep pain about?
I’m glad he came along and gave you a good dose of love back then. It’s meant to help keep you on your feet, but it’s not meant to sustain you. What you should do to live is take the path of connecting to the value of your life. So let’s talk about this a bit. Do you have people in your life that love you? Do you have anything you love to do? Do you have any passions? Do you feel connected to a life purpose at all?
I want to suggest you get some help somehow. Whatever the pain is that you carry, it’s big enough that it is stopping you from living your life. You are giving your pain and incredible amount of power in your life and it would be great if you were willing to get some help with that. I’m not sure if that is even an option for you to get some help from an expert. If not, there are always books you can read and videos you can watch that can help. You have to fight for yourself TavShad. Whatever this pain is, it IS able to be released. You CAN transform that pain into love when you release it. Right now, your pain has hand cuffs and chains on you and you can’t move. I am here to tell you there is a way to release yourself – and the answer to that is NOT your guy. It’s within you. There is NO guarantee…EVER…that love lasts. Your guy could come back but then decide to leave again. What are you going to do then? He may or may not stay with you and that is true for every single person in love. Love is simply not enough to keep 2 people together – and that’s why the majority of people get divorced. The thing, what makes a relationship last comes from skills – communication skills, healing skills, forgiveness skills, self-love skills and even with all of those skills, it takes 2 people making the choice to stay – every single day. At this point right now, you do not have the skills to be able to support a long lasting relationship. You don’t even see the value of your life, so how in the world can you value and protect love in a healthy way? It’s impossible – and a guy can feel that about you.
Exactly he doesn’t know what is best for him and he is a Pisces and I’m an Aquarius. So what that he is a Pisces and you are an Aquarius. That is such a small piece of the puzzle that influences how a person lives their life. For you to believe that you know what is better for him, tells me how much you don’t trust him nor respect him. It tells me you are interested in being his mother vs. being his equal….which makes sense because you get your value by always supporting and taking care of other people. Being a “mother” is what helps you feel valuable. As beautiful as that energy can be, it is also incredibly destructive. I’d like to encourage you to really look at this. I have a strong “mothering” energy as well that was quite destructive and I had to do a lot of work to learn how to manage that better. It will never go away, as it’s just part of who I am and that’s okay. It’s more about recognizing when it’s healthy and not healthy and doing my best to use it for good vs. using it to control someone or to feel my value.
No, I cannot think of any technique to get him to unblock you. What do you mean you won’t talk to him? Let’s be real here…that’s the only reason you want to be unblocked, so you can talk to him. All you want is to talk and change his mind, so I’m not sure why you are saying that.
Heidi
I’m wondering how you are feeling about your choice to disconnect. Now that it’s been a few days, what feelings and thoughts are coming up for you? Has he tried to connect in other ways?
What you are looking for is all very possible! What else are you looking for? This is just the first step in this process, then we will dive deeper into the qualities and help you get more clear.
Heidi
I have no clue if he will come back or not. Someone who is not forgiving, tends to really put up a lot of walls. They don’t trust, they always have their guard up and they never really connect with an open heart. This is not something you can fix. You messing up is only part of the challenge you guys are having. You can correct your behavior all you want, but it doesn’t change how he responds to disappointment and hurt and betrayal. Even if you did get him back, you are facing a lifetime of him always questioning you, checking your messages and never moving past these moments – this is not a way to live in a relationship. That lack of trust and that fear will choke out any love and connection that exists.
Like I said before, your choices are just part of the problem. You owning up to it and wanting to understand in a deeper way…is a start in the right direction. However, if he is going to continue to point the finger at you and stay the “victim,” then there is nothing you can do to fix this…because it’s for HIM to fix, not you. All you can do is apologize and keep learning and growing. He has to do the rest by forgiving and releasing and looking at how he contributed to this breakup.
What are you doing to help yourself learn and grow? You said you are slowly trying to find the source and how to change, but how are you doing that exactly?
Heidi
I understand your thought process. Yes, I still think it can be damaging. There are 2 reasons why: 1. Because your purpose in wanting him to read it, is for him to gain understanding about you. Remember, he has no capacity for you, your sorrows, your pain or even your growth right now. He has so emptied out, that the idea of really truly gaining understanding about you, is just not in him right now. Here is an analogy…it’s like he is sick in bed right now. He is exhausted, in a lot of pain and trying to recover. And while he is in that space, you are coming to his bedside wanting him to understand about your “sickness” and why you behaved the way you did. It’s not appropriate. When someone is in survival mode, like your guy, the last thing he should be doing is reading about YOUR journey. That just puts him right back into the pattern that ruined the relationship in the first place. Also, it’s still you trying to “fix” things. I imagine you are thinking some sort of thought like: “If he could just understand and see my growth, he will see that I am changing and getting better and I will be a better partner for him.” This is a “convincing” kind of energy and it’s a frequency that comes from fear. It’s not clear, high vibe energy to “fix” anything. It causes chaos and disconnection. The moment you feel like you have to “convince” him to be with you, that’s the moment you are betraying yourself and leaving yourself. If you were 100% connected to and in alignment with your value, you would never need to “convince” anyone. You would simply feel “If he doesn’t know how badass I am and how wonderful I am and that he HAS TO have me in his life, then he is not the right match for me.” There is no convincing necessary. The part of you wanting to “fix” things is your little girl wounded energy in the driver’s seat. 2. Journals are snapshots of moments. They do not give the whole picture of what is happening – so anyone reading it, will very easily fall into the trap of creating a perspective that is limited and with very little understanding. That means, he is going to read your journal and be left with whatever judgments, criticisms, triggers and feelings about YOUR life, YOUR experience, YOUR process from HIS very limited perspective – without being able to talk through his feelings and thoughts with you. I know it has your growth process in there, but Melissa, you already have spoken to him about all of that. He knows already. He doesn’t need to read it in your journal. What needs to happen is you continue on your journey and keep doing your work. He is not a source for you right now and he is not something to “fix.” It’s time to let go of this relationship….in the form that it has existed. Love him enough to let him go and let him figure this out without you trying to fix things. Let everything fall wherever it lands and work on letting go of controlling the outcome. I know it’s scary, but it truly is the most powerful thing you could do for both you and him. Focus on you…let him go. It doesn’t mean you can’t come back together – it just means that when and if you do, it will be because it’s meant to happen and not because you were trying to force it in that direction. The more you force, the more you push, the more you try and convince him, the more you will push him away. He needs to come to you naturally and on his own. Does this make sense with how the journal can cause some problems?
Heidi
I’m so glad you are acknowledging the pain you carry inside. That’s a start. I really love that you have stayed here and keep showing up for this conversation, especially when everything we have been telling you goes against what you want to do. That takes courage! You have quite the spirit of determination and like all of our greatest strengths, they are our greatest weaknesses as well. Your beautiful determination is working against you right now and keep you in suffering and pain.
I know that his choice hurt. It’s part of life and always will be. Even if you got back together again, he STILL will make choices that will break your heart. Right now, the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for yourself is to develop a different skill set to be able to handle the failures of your life. You will be deeply hurt again and again and again for the rest of your life. This experience right now, is exposing that you let your pain run your life. You have a very STRONG relationship with pain – you are more committed to being in pain than to finding peace and love and healing for yourself.
Even you saying that you “want to work on yourself only to support others” is you basically saying that you don’t matter….only other people matter. You empty yourself out for other people and when they fail you, you are left with feeling an incredibly amount of pain and hurt and you have to then find another source of comfort. So you will spend your life constantly looking for other people to serve, so you can avoid and alleviate the pain you carry. There is another way. You can become your own source. When that happens, you build a solid foundation that allows you to move through life in much easier ways. I’ve spent many years building my foundation, because I come from a history of extreme abuse that went on for 2 decades. I had a choice and still do…every single day. Am I going to let the pain of other people’s decisions that caused me incredible harm – keep me stuck? Or am I going to keep moving forward and find my joy, peace and love regardless. I choose the latter. I choose to love, I choose to forgive, I choose to release the hurt, I choose to heal, I choose to source myself and not give my power away to another person. So now, when someone hurts me, betrays me, abandons me – I don’t fall apart. Yes, it hurts, but it’s not debilitating. Yes I struggle, but I am my own source and know to truly heal and not have to carry the pain of someone else’s choices.
Here is a principle: You cannot offer someone else something that you do not have. You say you love this guy, yet you don’t love yourself. You empty yourself out to others in efforts to get love from it, because you actually don’t have it for yourself. I want to support you in learning how to love yourself FIRST and foremost, before offering it to anyone else. I want to show you ways so you can source yourself, before sharing your beautiful heart with others. You have an incredibly big heart and it can be even more powerful and impactful if you learn how to take care of yourself and love yourself first. It doesn’t mean you don’t support others, it just means you include yourself as #1 on the list of people to support and nourish and love. This is TRUE love.
What he did IS right….for him. He needed to make this decision to separate from you because it is right for HIM. Its not the job of his friends to convince him otherwise. What you are saying is that he does NOT know what is best for him. What you are saying is that you know better what is good for him. Really??? How would that make you feel?
Heidi
Hi Eleni, welcome! I can feel your heartbreak and I can feel how badly you want him back. I don’t blame you. The pain of heartbreak feels so incredibly awful and it takes awhile to repair. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. It sounds like he just reached his limit. It also sounds like he is not the forgiving type. I know he “forgave” you in the very beginning, but did he really? Did you feel like he let go of the hurt from being cheated on? It sounds like he kept checking on you. What is he doing looking at your Instagram messages in the first place?
I felt sometimes that I did it because I got attention from someone while I missed it from my boyfriend. But I know that I should have talked about it more specifically to fix this problem. I think it’s really important for you to understand your pattern here. You cheated on him when you first got together and I imagine you felt awful and probably said “I will never do this again” and here you are. I know you didn’t physically cheat, but you emotionally and energetically cheated, which has the same impact on your partner. And you are saying “I will never do this again.” The thing is, you are FULLY capable of doing this again. It’s important you really really really hear this…you are capable of doing this again! With just the right mixture of feelings, emotions, triggers etc. we ALL are capable of doing things far outside of our character. One thing I’ve learned over the years is how to recognize my own personal signs and symptoms that I’m heading outside the lines that keep me in my integrity and living in the way that I want.
Now that you understand you are seeking attention and that is why you flirt, let’s go a little deeper. Like most females, we learn the power of our sexuality and how to use it to source our self-esteem and value. You weren’t getting sourced by your guy, so you went elsewhere. You are using an external source (men) to feel your value instead of sourcing yourself. Our self-esteem can only be truly sourced from within – otherwise, it’s all just a quick fix band-aid kind of thing. You want something sustainable and you want a foundation of love within you that is so strong that it can hold up against even the worst of storms. This kind of foundation is built from within – not from without.
So the issue here is 2-fold – you are using men to source your self-esteem and you don’t know how to handle your stressors and triggers in a healthy way. Your coping mechanism of flirting- sabotages connection. So you can’t fix this in the future by “talking to him about it.” That doesn’t change the emptiness you feel inside when you are not getting attention. If you want to TRULY shift this coping mechanism of yours, it’s about diving deep into this pattern and getting to know it inside and out AND learn new ways to start to source yourself. What happens if you are not getting attention? What kinds of feelings come up for you? What stops you from talking to him about what you need from him?
Does all of this make sense?
Heidi
Hi Melissa,
Thank you for sharing. I love that I am able to help bring more truth into your perspective. I’m honored that you have let me into your journey!
I’m sure your heart dropped with his response. However, I think at the very least, he got to be seen and validated by you and that’s always a good thing.
I want to suggest asking for your journal back. He doesn’t need to read it. It’s about you and your story and right now, he needs to stop trying to empathize with you. Besides, your journal is something so incredibly personal and it’s also a very limited picture of all the layers you are. It can actually be a very damaging thing and cause him to want to step further away from you. He needs to have the picture and experience of you TODAY – the woman who is taking the bull by the horns and doing her work – your journal is your past and full of all kinds of thoughts and emotions that are in a place of transforming into something much more powerful. Are you sure you want him to read your past? Are you sure you want him to only have the story your journal expresses? Because that’s not who you are anymore – and it’s not like he can read your journal and then ask you questions about it and talk to you about it. You guys are not in a relationship anymore. He needs to go take care of himself and THEN get to know the new you – not the journal part of you. Thoughts on this?
I’m so glad to hear the tapping is helping. It can be such a powerful technique!
I’m pretty open to any and all avenues of healing. Oh my goodness, there are sooooooo many! I’ve been studying/experiencing/researching healing for decades! It’s an infinite source of entertainment for me. Trust that if it’s time for a new technique or method or level of healing, you know it. I ALWAYS am guided, as just the right time, into healing – through various modalities that catch my attention. For now, what you are doing is working and you are experiencing results. Stick with it!!! Seriously…you are doing an incredible job!
Heidi
I understand you feel stuck. Everything in you is invested in this one person, this love you feel, this idea of a relationship with him. It fills you up completely and without it, you are faced with the feeling of your entire world falling apart. Of course, you want to keep the idea of you and him being together alive. You want to keep sourcing that idea because without it, you will have to face the emptiness you actually feel inside. We all do this in many different ways. We will fill ourselves with distractions like spending money, over eating or eating in unhealthy ways, obsessing over someone, constantly seeking romance, having a lot of sex and the list goes on and on and on. All these addictions and choices are consuming and help us get from day to day in the best way we know how. When it becomes an addiction, like this guy is to you, we end up being consumed by it and don’t know how to survive without it. That is an addiction. ANYTHING or ANYONE or ANY FEELING we are in constant relationship with and can’t live without. Addictions are full of all kinds of lies…like the lie that you are stuck. You are not stuck. You don’t have to stay in this same place of suffering. You can actually choose a different path and face your fears. You just don’t want to. You want this guy to fix how you are feeling instead of taking responsibility for your own life and happiness. Things around you don’t have much importance because you are not willing to let them. As long as you keep this guy as your only source for happiness, then the rest of your world will feel gray without him. BUT…you could choose to learn how to be your own source and face the pain of the loss and heal.
The core truth here is, you are carrying an incredible amount of hurt inside – and it was there way before this guy came along. The loss of him is just highlighting all the baggage you are carrying. I don’t know what happened in your life that has left you feeling so empty and lonely – but whatever it is, it’s destroying your light. You have a light inside TavShad. You have a beautiful ability to love and connect. As long as you keep using this guy as your source for your light, you are going to slowly die…even if you got back together. Having him in your life doesn’t change the baggage and the hurt and the emptiness you carry. That will always be with you, until you face it. Now is a really good time for you to face it. Are you willing? Are you willing to learn about yourself? Do you want to find true happiness, within YOURSELF that is there whether or not a guy is in your life? Do you want to feel valuable and loveable WITHOUT needing him or any other person to tell you that? This is what is possible for you, if you are willing to create a different vision for yourself. It’s hard work, of course, and it’s scary, but it’s going to give you exactly what you are looking for….lots and lots of love that is limitless. Trying to re-connect with this guy is not going to give you that.
So what do you think? Are you willing to try something different? You don’t have to stay stuck. You can heal. Just like Catherine said, she healed and would always look back so glad she didn’t end up with that guy. This is possible for you too, if you want. It’s your choice. I know you can do it if you set your mind to it.
Heidi
I don’t want him to go through a bad relationship and since he is someone who is rich I don’t want people to love him because of that. Because in the past, the girls were only loving him for his money. He jumps into relationship very quick which make me more afraid. He don’t realise but people use him and when we were together, I always ensured that people are not speaking to him just for his money. So you don’t trust him to be able to take care of himself? Don’t you think that people using him is a VERY IMPORTANT thing for him to experience to help him become more aware? Besides, he is a grown man. He can take care of himself. People with money know that other people want to use them. I am around a lot of very wealthy people and 100% of them are completely aware of this. For you to feel like you need to “protect” him is you behaving like his mother and treating him like a child. He doesn’t need you to protect him. He needs you to trust him. He gets to make the choices he wants to make, whether you agree with it or not. You trying to “protect” him by controlling other people is NOT your job and nor is it a healthy dynamic.
Yes I work and I only work. As for health, I don’t know and a roof so I live with my parents. I’m still learning today so I can keep my mind busy but I’ve just been failing for the past one year now. I can’t concentrate. So your life hasn’t fallen apart has it? You still have your needs met, even though you don’t have him in your life. You are so afraid that your world will come crashing in if you can’t have him, but you have lived without him for many months now and you are okay! Do you see the lie that you are allowing to keep you in a lot of fear?
I don’t want another man Heidi, it’s the third person I’ve loved and it is the only person I’ve been in a relationship and that’s enough. You don’t get to decide what is enough. I wish we all could, but that’s just not how life works. I’ve been in love 6 times in my life and each time, I said to myself “This is it. I want to really make this work and really invest in this long term.” Well…it didn’t work out the way I wanted. You DO NOT have the kind of control that you want. So whether you like it or not, you don’t get to have this guy. So now your choices are 1. Keep down the path you are on. Maybe someday you will get to talk to him again, maybe not. I don’t know. Either way, you can keep waiting until the end of time and you probably will never have him back again. But you get to wait and not move on. That’s your choice. or 2. You can decide that you want more for your life than waiting around for a guy who doesn’t want you. He has communicated to you (by blocking you everywhere) that he is not interested in connecting. You can embrace his choice, choose to let go and face your fears and find out you are okay…and heal. Those are your choices RIGHT NOW. Your life is your design, so you get to choose how you want to respond by not getting what you want from him.
Decisions can be changed if there is a line of communication between us. Possibly but not likely. Whatever happened between you guys, it caused him to block you everywhere – that says “I don’t want to be with you and I have no interest in talking with you. Leave me alone.” Being that this is what he wants, you don’t have the option to talk with him and try to change his mind. Besides, like I’ve told you many times, I doubt there is anything you can say to change his mind. You act in very desperate and needy ways and that is something the majority of guys want nothing to do with. But…like I said, you get to do whatever you want.
but why being so harsh on me Heidi. I am offering you truth and a deeper understanding about yourself and your behavior that caused such a strong need for him to put up really big boundaries. It just doesn’t seem like you are interested in learning and growing. You just want him back and have no interest in learning about all the different dynamics that put you in this position in the first place. You could get him back, but that doesn’t address what caused the breakup in the first place. He was “bored.” And I’m wondering if you had so much co-dependent behavior that it turned him off. You said you did everything for him. You did his assignments, you supported him and I imagine lived your life for him. This is not a dynamic that will keep a guy interested. So you get him back, but then all you are going to do is spend ALL of your time trying to make sure he is happy and then he will get bored again and then he will leave. So what’s the point of getting back together then and going through all of that pain again? The thing is TavShad, it just seems you want to stay in your suffering. You only are allowing for 1 way to feel better…and that is getting him back. Well…what are you going to do when you can’t change his mind? What are you going to do when you learn he is with someone else? What are you going to do when you beg him to come back and he just gets irritated and angry again?
What I am wanting to guide you towards, is learning and trusting yourself, that when you don’t get what you want, you will be okay. You have sooooo much life to live and many ways to live it. The door has closed on this relationship and you keep standing at the door knocking. There are other doors you can go through, but that is something you are not willing to do – so you get to stay in suffering and keep knocking at that door until you are in enough pain that you finally walk away and discover that there is a WHOLE WORLD out there waiting for you.
What you want, no one can give you. What you need – love and support and healing – is something available for you when you are ready.
Heidi
When I think of him being with someone else….my heart beats really fast and I feel very weak. I feel scared. I can understand why you so badly want him back. If you had him back, you wouldn’t have to feel this. Let’s talk about this more though. What are you afraid of? What kind of fears come up when you think about him being with someone else? I’m sure there are a handful of different fears, so tell me all of them.
Letting go of Him….I feel I’m losing everything, my world is crashing and crashing and I want to look after him give him all my support and love. I know it FEELS like your world is crashing in, but let’s ask this…is that actually true? You have been apart for almost a year now. You still have your health, you still have a roof over your head, you still have ways to make money, I imagine you still have desires and dreams. Are you passionate about anything in your life? Are you connected at all to your life purpose? Do you know what kind of impact you want to have in this world?
I know I’ve to think of his happiness but I want to work very hard to make him realise that we can be happy together. I’m not getting obsessed but I just want us to be happy together and we can surely do that. You say on one hand you should think of his happiness BUT it only matters to you as long as it is with you. This is a very conditional kind of love. You only want him to be happy WITH YOU and that actually is NOT caring about his happiness at all. It’s only caring about YOUR happiness. There is no HIM in this equation. His needs, his desires, his knowing about what makes him happy, doesn’t matter. You are basically saying that you know what is better for him than he does. You believe that he could be the happiest he could ever be as long as he is with you. But HE doesn’t believe that and you are basically saying that YOU know. You are not trusting his path. You are not trusting HIM. You are not trusting that he knows what is best for him. You want to push YOUR desires onto him when it’s not what he wants. That is actually NOT caring nor loving him.
I’d really, deeply love to see you find your happiness and peace and joy on your own. You have sooooo much to offer this world. You have so much to offer another man. I would hate to see you choose to throw all of that away because you cannot have him. The more you focus on him and believing that having him is the only way for you to be happy, the more you are limiting yourself and making your life very small.
Tell me about your life. Tell me about what is possible for you outside of him. I imagine that even when you guys were together, you did all kinds of other things that didn’t involve him. What were they?
Heidi
Wow! I would have hung up and tried for another time. 2 hours??? That’s crazy! I totally get stupid repetitive music/message. It gets sooooo incredibly irritating. Especially after a few hours. Hopefully it ended up getting resolved!
Heidi
yayaya! This is a MAJOR decision! I’m making progress and will one day find someone worthy of the love I have to give. The way for this to happen is by making yourself the very first recipient of the amazing love you have to give. This decision did exactly that! You loved yourself more than the fear of being alone and more than the sadness of the loss and more than the little connection you were receiving from him. You DO got this! You made a decision to protect yourself AND your son.
I’m glad you feel relieved. Now don’t be surprised is part of you starts to think about him more and wanting to reach back out again and connect in some sort of way. It wouldn’t be unusual. Expect this to happen and immediately start to love and parent yourself through that. Just like your son and how he sometimes wants things that you don’t want him to have because it’s not good for him…you tell him no…lovingly…and hopefully explain why it isn’t good for him. You parent your little girl’s energy in the same way. You lovingly hold some boundaries for her so you can keep her safe. Does this make sense?
So I want to go back to helping you create a vision for what a healthy relationship looks like. There are a lot of things to look out for when you start dating someone and I want to start to teach you how to go about it a little differently.
First, here is a great resource for you: https://www.gottman.com/
All the information they put out is spectacular and can really help create a more clear picture of what a healthy relationship is. One of my favorite books of theirs is called “The Man’s Guide to Women.” Yes, it’s a book written for men, but it’s short, simple and brilliant. I found it helpful for me because it helped me understand what science has shown the role of the man and how to be the most effective. It also goes into a lot of explaining about what women want and need and it helped me understand myself as well. It’s a quick read and good place to start. They also have many other books and blog posts and seminars/classes. It’s a great place to help keep you heading in a good direction for yourself.The most important part of dating is having a guide post, so to speak. You need to be VERY clear about what your core values are. What ar your non-negotiables? What can you NOT live without in a relationship? Then once that becomes much more clear for you, you date according to those qualities – meaning, you ask your questions and you are observing if that man in front of you carries those qualities. If not, it’s over. So when you create this “list” it truly is non-negotiable. If he doesn’t carry 100% of the qualities you NEED in order to feel nourished in a relationship, then it isn’t going to work. If he has 9 out of 10 qualities, it won’t work…that’s how solid this list is. I’ll walk you through this as long as you are willing. But a good place to start is to think about these categories: Health, family, money, interpersonal, lifestyle, sex and spirituality. It’s just a place to start, so let yourself explore these categories freely. For example, I CANNOT live without romance. Without it, my spirit will die. So it’s a non-starter if a guy isn’t romantic and doesn’t love the creativity of that energy. I also have to have a guy who LOVES animals. Tolerating them is not enough for me. I need him to LOVE them, not just as a nice pet, but as members of the family. I am surrounded by dogs all the time and care for them deeply. I want to have a rescue at some point as well and I support organizations that do the same. It’s a HUGE part of my life that keeps me balanced and he would need to be someone who found joy out of it as well. He doesn’t need to be involved to the level that I am, but he needs to love animals if I am going to let him into my very sacred heart. He also needs to be active. I cannot be with a guy who doesn’t enjoy moving his body. That is the primary way that I play in my life…hiking, biking, volleyball, soccer, tennis, slackline etc. I am very athletic so this is my version of fun. Him being active is non-negotiable. He doesn’t need to be athletic, but he does need to take care of his body through movement somehow. These are just a few examples.
Have fun with this. Create a folder where you write all of this down. Maybe get a notepad and carry it with you as you allow your mind to explore this area of your life!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Kolene,
Thank you for sharing more details! There is no such thing as oversharing here. It helps us guide you in a better direction.
maybe it’s sad to me that he’s just gone. While I’m uncertain if anything he said was true including his feelings, mine were and if I delete him and block him then he’s just gone. I don’t know it’s super lame because I know it’s for the best and I know it’s not what I want in a partner, but it’s hard for me. Let’s talk about this. This is what gets everyone in trouble, including yourself. Your fear of letting him go is greater than staying connected to a controlling man. Here is a basic rule to follow as you date: Someone cannot give you something they don’t have. Meaning, he cannot love you if he doesn’t love himself. You cannot love him, if you don’t love yourself. I know it feels like “love” but it’s more a love that is sourced by wounded energy vs. a healthy, nourishing, respectful kind of love. It’s not love when loving someone is not loving yourself. Meaning, when you say you love someone, is it a loving thing to do for yourself to love that person??? Here you are, still “loving” this guy, yet it’s not a loving thing to do for yourself. He is not respectful, kind or caring about you. Yet you want to stay connected? The truth is, I think it’s sad to let him go, not because of letting HIM go, but because you will have to feel the aloneness. You want to stay connected so you can avoid feeling what is there when he is not “keeping you company.” He is a great “target” to put your emotions towards. So if he is gone for good, then what? What feelings come up for you? You are holding onto him, even though he is not healthy for you and even though you guys are barely talking – how is this connection serving you? Staying connected is helping you avoid something else that you don’t want to face…what is it? What are you running from?
And p.s. NO! No friendship! NO helping him through cancer! DO NOT fall into the trap of trying to save him or help him. You will only be stepping right back into another emotionally abusive relationship. STAY AWAY!!! I know it is so much easier said than done. That’s why facing the core root cause of why you are choosing this, is important. Whatever is happening inside of you, it’s causing you to choose unhealthy men and it’s causing you to stay connected to another unhealthy guy – KNOWING he is not good for you. You are learning that what is driving you, has nothing to do with what you know, but instead how you feel. You carry some wounded, little girl energy who so desperately wants to be love and connected to a man, that she is willing to be treated poorly. Would you want to introduce this man to your father? Do you think your father would respect how this man is treating you?
Heidi
You have done everything you can do at this point. You have this love for him but he DOES NOT feel that love for you. You want to fight for the relationship but he DOES NOT want to be with you. You cannot make someone feel something that isn’t there for them anymore. You tried to be friends, you tried communicating and you’ve tried giving him a little space. The result…he has blocked you and only gets irritated. Like I previously said, any contact with you or you making efforts to try and get back together are things that are irritating him.
You keep thinking that if he just unblocked you, you could talk to him and somehow fix this and say something that would re-ignite his feelings for you. That’s just not how it works. At this point, he wants you to leave him alone. He is not responding to any emails you have sent. He has not reached out to you. He is telling you – by ignoring you – that he does not want to get back together. The more you try and talk to him, the further you will push him away.
I really want you to think about this. You say you love him, but everything you have said here shows me that you are more interested in what you want and do not care about what he wants. When you truly love someone, what they want matters to you – even if goes against what you want. Healthy love is respectful and honoring of BOTH people’s needs. Love that lasts, has 2 people who LISTEN to each other. So far, all I have experienced from you is that you do not care about what HE wants. You do not care about what HE needs. You do not care about how HE feels. All I see from you is that what YOU feel is all that matters. You are so focused on what YOU want and he doesn’t matter. You believe in this story that you guys could be happy together and it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t want to be with you…what you believe is all that matters. If this is how you behave and treat him, why would he want to be with someone who treats him that way? You say you are not obsessed, but from what I have seen here, nothing exists except for him. You are choosing to focus all your time and energy on finding ways to get him back, so you lose your joy and happiness and stop living your life. This is an obsession and it causes so much suffering.
There are other, more healthy ways out of this pain and emptiness you feel by not having him in your life. I wonder what you are avoiding in your life. It feels like he keeps you company and somehow helps you not have to feels the other parts of your life. Not having him, means you have to feel all the other feelings that are awful. Are you willing to talk about this? Let’s say he IS in love and with someone else – you need to let him be happy. You need to trust him that he knows what is best for himself. Where does that leave you? What kinds of feelings come up? What happens when you think about letting him go?
Heidi
