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Hi Melody,
What an interesting situation. I know you don’t want any of that typical advice about “working on yourself” and you want specific techniques. There are no techniques to make someone act or behave differently. If there were, someone would be an instant millionaire.
Are you still willing to talk through this though? I’d like to keep the conversation going. Are you not interested in growing and learning about yourself? That’s what dating and relationships are all about, right?
He does sound incredibly socially awkward…at least with you. Instead of figuring out techniques to try and get him to open to you, I personally would be trying to understand his behaviors and whether he is like that with just me, or with everyone, or with just women. Either way, his behaviors are not communicating that he is comfortable around you – I have no clue why, but it is what it is and it’s your job to accept him for who he is.
Yes, he has those beautiful, redeeming qualities that made you attracted to him AND he has these other qualities that make you feel quite rejected. The important part here is that you are able to accept ALL of him.
I imagine you want a love that lasts. You want a nourishing, healthy, alive and peaceful relationship, yes? Well….connection/attraction DOES NOT equal compatibility. Study after study has shown that the part that breaks relationships is how a couple treats each other in their worst moments. When things are stressful, when people are hurt and angry, how they treat each other is what makes or breaks the success of the relationship. So when I guide people through who they are choosing as a partner, I really like to have them look at the worst of someone, look at the worst of themselves, look at the worst parts of them as a couple…and we look at how all of that works – or doesn’t work.
You guys are not even together and you are already so incredibly confused – and rightly so. Do you think that magically if y ou are together and you both profess your feelings for each other, that will all change? Whether he is on the spectrum, thundered or incredibly wounded and emotionally immature – it doesn’t change that this part of him is something you either accept as part of who he is or you walk away. Going into a relationship trying to find “techniques” to get someone to act different, feel different, be different, is already showing you that you are not completely happy, peaceful and open when you are around him. Don’t you think that says something pretty big, especially considering you aren’t even together??
Just some things to think about. I know you are not getting what you came here to get – techniques. The way you describe him, I’m not confident there are any “techniques” out there, as he just may have some personality traits that affect his social abilities. If not, then he is super wounded. Either of those situations will require a TON of work on your end, will put you in a situation where you will have to deal with rejection quite a bit and will bring a lot of drama into your life.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Wow. I’m surprised. What has happened for you? What makes you feel like you want to move on now?
Heidi
I am so so sorry Emma. I know your heart is breaking. You have done everything you possibly can to re-connect and he just isn’t interested. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink – He is not interested in drinking. Everything he has shown you, is telling you that he is not willing to fight for the connection. Your only option now is to do exactly what you have just done. Let him go. It’s so incredibly painful and destructive for you to stay connected to someone who doesn’t want to be present with you and who doesn’t want to work through things WITH you. You have lost your partner.
I really think it’s time to take the next step and create a way to truly separate. I would start planning a way to find separate living spaces and start planning a way to move on with your life without him. This may actually wake him up and cause him to fight for you, because he will see that you are actually going to leave. There is a lot of psychology in this that I won’t go into, but basically he needs to feel the TRUE loss of you, to feel the consequences of his choices. There have been no real consequences up to this point. You have stuck around and been available for him and have been chasing after him. He doesn’t know what it feels like to truly lose you. Sometimes losing someone makes you wake up and fight for the connection. Sometimes it will validate that you truly are done with the relationship. Either way, setting yourself to truly leave and create a separate life will create movement in one direction or the other.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Eutona,
I get it. It’s a common question, especially for people who live in small towns.
First, do you feel clear about dating? What’s your purpose? I’m wondering if maybe you can view dating as a platform to develop some skills instead of looking at it as a way to find your next love. It can really take the pressure off. It’s so easy to get attached to the “end result” of love and miss the entire process. Dating can be a great way to develop all kinds of life skills like how to handle rejection, developing communication skills, learning how to set boundaries, learning about yourself and all your thoughts/judgments/criticisms of the different people that sit in front of you. I have dated many different cultures, sizes and personalities. I purposefully did that, so I could learn about myself, where I’m effective, where I’m limited and to feel all the different feelings that come with dating. This meant that I didn’t necessarily date guys that I knew I would have a future with. I just dated and used it as a way to learn and grown. And boy….did it work! The things I learned are endless and will serve me the rest of my life. If you take this approach, then dating isn’t so difficult. You just go out with all different types of people, mostly likely only once, BUT you get to know yourself REALLY well and you get to practice the new skills you are wanting to develop and strengthen.
I also want to remind you that even though you are in a small town, you just never know. A visitor could come to town and you guys meet. A family member of someone in town, visits and brings a friend with him and you meet that way….who knows! The possibilities are endless!!! Life has a way of presenting opportunities in ways that are far beyond our imagination.
Lastly, I like to encourage people to join communities that have similar interests. It doesn’t matter where they are in the world. Do you love dogs? Find a dog group. Do you love hiking? Traveling? Knitting? Cooking? Painting? Sports? It’s endless. There are groups for every possible thing out there. It doesn’t matter whether it’s coed or just for women, but expanding your community, support and interests, is a great way to fill up your life. Most groups will plan yearly, in person events. You could meet someone that way. You can also go to workshops or seminars on subjects you are interested in. I LOVE LOVE LOVE going to self-help retreats/workshops. I always meet some amazing people.
My point being…don’t worry about meeting someone to fall in love with. Keep your focus on healing, learning and growing and use dating as a platform for that….if you feel ready, of course.
Thoughts?
Heidi
It sounds like you are figuring out the whole wells fargo thing. It may take some time, but my guess is, when you get your money back, it will just the right timing that need that extra cash. I trust in the timing of everything. This is a good faith building practice, isn’t it?
Good job! “Not my problem” is a great mantra to use with Bob. He gets to do things the way he wants and then he gets to deal with the consequences. Not your problem. You are leaving and not investing in this place, so your only job is just to do what he asks and let the rest go. Another good practice of letting go, isn’t it? Seems there might be a theme here 🙂
I hope you enjoyed Belgium and I hope it didn’t rain too much! I love the new ladies you got to meet. Sounds like you might have new buddy to go on walks with. I love that!!!
Heidi
I never said that you outright belittled him. Your actions and beliefs about the role you should play in his life however, is treating him like a child and you are his mother by trying to “protect” him and deciding what is right for him…as if he is not a grown man and doesn’t know what is right for himself. I know this is not how you view it. You believe so much in what you are doing and you believe so much in your love, that you actually do not have any objectivity on how your version of love is having an impact on him and those around you. But like I said earlier, you get to believe your own story and your version of love. As you have already experienced, your version of love pushes everyone away and you actually are alone now – I don’t know any other way that life can tell you that how you love is harming you and others. I hope that at some point, you open yourself up to something different.
Staying stuck costs A LOT of energy. Of course you are tired! You are supposed to be tired, because that is not a way to live. Your system will naturally shut down over time, because it cannot sustain being stuck. The reality is though, you are not in enough pain or tired enough to do anything different. What you are doing isn’t working and it’s draining your life force, but you are not feeling bad enough to shift or change how you are handling everything. So….you get to stay stuck, you get to stay in pain and you get to continue suffering. You are actually strongly bonded to your pain and suffering and that is something I deeply understand. It will take everything from you if you don’t choose something different. I hope that one day you fight for more in your life.
Good luck with everything TavShad! Thank you for being here!
Heidi
Hi Montserrat!
I understand your confusion. Things are going in one direction and then all of a sudden, his behavior changes. It’s confusing isn’t it? It’s so darn easy to get cozy with the predictable and develop a sense of safety. So when the predictable changes, it easily activates a lot of insecurity.
Here is a general rule to go by. Once is just once. 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. So far, he has not communicated 2 different times, so there is a weak pattern developing. This relationship is still very new, so there really is the aspect of working out all the bugs. AND…you guys haven’t even met, so there are still A LOT of factors to work through before either of you decide if it’s a good fit. I know you guys communicate daily and have a really strong connection, but it DOES NOT take the place of meeting in person. Essentially, all you know about him are snapshots of his life, so I’m hoping you are not investing fully quite yet. I talk with a friend of mine several times a week through an app called marco polo. We basically are sending videos back and forth to each other. This guy was my first love in high school, so we have stayed connected off and on for over 2 decades. The past couple of years, we are able to connect more frequently because of this app. There is nothing romantic between us, we are just friends. He came out to visit his family and included me in his travels, so we got to hang out in person for 4 days. And you know what?? I learned that he is quite draining for me to be around. Never in a million years would I have guessed that from our video conversations. All of this to say….technology just doesn’t give you the full picture of who someone really is and how you 2 mix together in person. So I really want to encourage you to slooooooow down.
I understand your anxiety about what he is behaving like. Long distance relationships are incredibly difficult to develop from ground zero. Trying to get to know someone and grow a relationship in any sort of healthy way is one of the most difficult things to do long distance. So I want to suggest to not read too much into anything quite yet. You guys need to meet in person and find out if you are compatible that way first. In the meantime, I think it’s great that you are asking for what you need from him. He sounds responsive and not defensive and he sounds agreeable. Now, it’s just a matter of seeing if he can follow through…and only time will tell with that.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I don’t want to be a mother I want to be an equal partner, maybe the way of saying it it sounds like that but I’m just ensuring that things are always right. You believe you know what is “right?” How do you know? Nobody knows the future and what is going to happen from one moment to the next, but somehow you know what is “right” for someone else? I can understand that if you were talking about a child – he is a grown man. You don’t want to mother him, yet all you are doing is controlling him and believing that you know what is right for him and he doesn’t. Isn’t that mothering? What you believe you are trying to do by making his life better be deciding what is right for him, is actually belittling him. I imagine this may be one of the reasons he left.
It feels so sad you know Heidi to be in such a situation today and not able to be around the person you love the most. I understand. I have been there a handful of times in my life. It’s hard for sure AND I had to figure out how to get back up onto my feet and forgive and release and open my heart to loving again. All I can tell you is there is a way to do that, but you have to let go and be willing to fight for more in your life – which I understand is something you are not willing to do.
I think it’s time for this conversation to end. I really don’t have any guidance as to how you can get him back. I have all the guidance in the world to help you ease the pain of the loss, to help you grow and learn about yourself and relationships, but it’s just not what you are interested in. It makes me so sad for you, that you have chosen to push all of your friends away, that you have chosen to lose yourself in this guy and you are choosing to suffer instead of fighting for your joy and happiness. I can’t make you choose differently – I can only show you the choices and possibilities you have waiting for you. In honor of what you want, I am going to step back and let you do things your way. I think it’s the best way for you to learn.
Heidi
I understand. It is not just you. The majority of people are VERY frustrated with the dating scene and have been for awhile. My personal opinion is that online dating, being the main way that people meet these days, is what has made it all so complicated. I remember dating before the whole online thing hit the market and it was soooooo much more simple and it was actually fun. Sadly, the majority of people I talk to feel like dating is so darn difficult. Then you add 2 years of Covid, political stress, economic stress and so many other stressors, people are really struggling right now…extra. So you are not alone.
Dating absolutely has complications though. It’s not as simple as I like you, you like me, we should get together. Connection doesn’t equal compatibility. The divorce rate is so high these days because people are choosing partners based on how they feel – the connection. There is very little understanding or knowledge about compatibility, the skills required to stay together in a healthy, vibrant way or how to be discerning. Once those connection chemicals hit the body, so many very important aspects of discernment just fly right on out the window. I know a TON about this process AND it even happens to me. I recently kept giving this guy a chance KNOWING that the red flags I was seeing were legit – but I felt so alive with him and I kept wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt. I knew exactly what I was doing and why AND I did it anyways, hoping I would be wrong. Those connection chemicals are CRAZY STRONG!!!!
I do want to encourage you though. Part of what makes dating so complicated, is a lack of understanding and being able to see behind the presentation someone is giving off. Learning to develop your intuition is very important and learning how to really honor your voice and set yourself up for success, is crucial. You have to be willing to say no – something a lot of people don’t want to do…especially in these challenging times where stress if very high.
All this to say…you are not alone AND dating is an INCREDIBLE way to get to know yourself and develop a lot of very important relationship skills – like setting boundaries, like communication, like learning how to be authentic, like learning when to lead and when to follow, like learning how to express your opinions and soooooo much more! I view dating like a school. It’s a platform to learn and practice everything you need to do for a healthy relationship. Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Oh wow! That is incredibly frustrating. There really are no notaries there? Of course, you feel powerless. You have no idea how to get your money back. I wonder if there is some sort of way to legally make someone in Canada a representative for you…and then they can get it notarized and what not. I imagine that would be quite the process though. I wonder if you somehow got a letter sent to them from a lawyer to add pressure. There has to be away. It’s so incredibly difficult with you being there though. It’s so sad that this is how they are doing business. I’m so sorry you have to go through this.
So I am still scratching my head about Bob. Just do not figure that guy out at all. I’m wondering why? There is nothing to figure out about him. It’s quite simple actually. He is unpredictable, he has a super high need for control and that’s all there is to really understand about him. He may have moments of appreciating you, but for the most part, he is an incredibly unhappy person who gets his power by being controlling and telling everyone what to do…HIS way. That’s pretty consistent. So what is so confusing?
Are you feeling better?
Heidi
Hi TavShad.
I”m so sorry that you feel like your life is not worth living if you don’t have him in your life. What happened 5 years ago? What is all of this deep pain about?
I’m glad he came along and gave you a good dose of love back then. It’s meant to help keep you on your feet, but it’s not meant to sustain you. What you should do to live is take the path of connecting to the value of your life. So let’s talk about this a bit. Do you have people in your life that love you? Do you have anything you love to do? Do you have any passions? Do you feel connected to a life purpose at all?
I want to suggest you get some help somehow. Whatever the pain is that you carry, it’s big enough that it is stopping you from living your life. You are giving your pain and incredible amount of power in your life and it would be great if you were willing to get some help with that. I’m not sure if that is even an option for you to get some help from an expert. If not, there are always books you can read and videos you can watch that can help. You have to fight for yourself TavShad. Whatever this pain is, it IS able to be released. You CAN transform that pain into love when you release it. Right now, your pain has hand cuffs and chains on you and you can’t move. I am here to tell you there is a way to release yourself – and the answer to that is NOT your guy. It’s within you. There is NO guarantee…EVER…that love lasts. Your guy could come back but then decide to leave again. What are you going to do then? He may or may not stay with you and that is true for every single person in love. Love is simply not enough to keep 2 people together – and that’s why the majority of people get divorced. The thing, what makes a relationship last comes from skills – communication skills, healing skills, forgiveness skills, self-love skills and even with all of those skills, it takes 2 people making the choice to stay – every single day. At this point right now, you do not have the skills to be able to support a long lasting relationship. You don’t even see the value of your life, so how in the world can you value and protect love in a healthy way? It’s impossible – and a guy can feel that about you.
Exactly he doesn’t know what is best for him and he is a Pisces and I’m an Aquarius. So what that he is a Pisces and you are an Aquarius. That is such a small piece of the puzzle that influences how a person lives their life. For you to believe that you know what is better for him, tells me how much you don’t trust him nor respect him. It tells me you are interested in being his mother vs. being his equal….which makes sense because you get your value by always supporting and taking care of other people. Being a “mother” is what helps you feel valuable. As beautiful as that energy can be, it is also incredibly destructive. I’d like to encourage you to really look at this. I have a strong “mothering” energy as well that was quite destructive and I had to do a lot of work to learn how to manage that better. It will never go away, as it’s just part of who I am and that’s okay. It’s more about recognizing when it’s healthy and not healthy and doing my best to use it for good vs. using it to control someone or to feel my value.
No, I cannot think of any technique to get him to unblock you. What do you mean you won’t talk to him? Let’s be real here…that’s the only reason you want to be unblocked, so you can talk to him. All you want is to talk and change his mind, so I’m not sure why you are saying that.
Heidi
I’m wondering how you are feeling about your choice to disconnect. Now that it’s been a few days, what feelings and thoughts are coming up for you? Has he tried to connect in other ways?
What you are looking for is all very possible! What else are you looking for? This is just the first step in this process, then we will dive deeper into the qualities and help you get more clear.
Heidi
I have no clue if he will come back or not. Someone who is not forgiving, tends to really put up a lot of walls. They don’t trust, they always have their guard up and they never really connect with an open heart. This is not something you can fix. You messing up is only part of the challenge you guys are having. You can correct your behavior all you want, but it doesn’t change how he responds to disappointment and hurt and betrayal. Even if you did get him back, you are facing a lifetime of him always questioning you, checking your messages and never moving past these moments – this is not a way to live in a relationship. That lack of trust and that fear will choke out any love and connection that exists.
Like I said before, your choices are just part of the problem. You owning up to it and wanting to understand in a deeper way…is a start in the right direction. However, if he is going to continue to point the finger at you and stay the “victim,” then there is nothing you can do to fix this…because it’s for HIM to fix, not you. All you can do is apologize and keep learning and growing. He has to do the rest by forgiving and releasing and looking at how he contributed to this breakup.
What are you doing to help yourself learn and grow? You said you are slowly trying to find the source and how to change, but how are you doing that exactly?
Heidi
I understand your thought process. Yes, I still think it can be damaging. There are 2 reasons why: 1. Because your purpose in wanting him to read it, is for him to gain understanding about you. Remember, he has no capacity for you, your sorrows, your pain or even your growth right now. He has so emptied out, that the idea of really truly gaining understanding about you, is just not in him right now. Here is an analogy…it’s like he is sick in bed right now. He is exhausted, in a lot of pain and trying to recover. And while he is in that space, you are coming to his bedside wanting him to understand about your “sickness” and why you behaved the way you did. It’s not appropriate. When someone is in survival mode, like your guy, the last thing he should be doing is reading about YOUR journey. That just puts him right back into the pattern that ruined the relationship in the first place. Also, it’s still you trying to “fix” things. I imagine you are thinking some sort of thought like: “If he could just understand and see my growth, he will see that I am changing and getting better and I will be a better partner for him.” This is a “convincing” kind of energy and it’s a frequency that comes from fear. It’s not clear, high vibe energy to “fix” anything. It causes chaos and disconnection. The moment you feel like you have to “convince” him to be with you, that’s the moment you are betraying yourself and leaving yourself. If you were 100% connected to and in alignment with your value, you would never need to “convince” anyone. You would simply feel “If he doesn’t know how badass I am and how wonderful I am and that he HAS TO have me in his life, then he is not the right match for me.” There is no convincing necessary. The part of you wanting to “fix” things is your little girl wounded energy in the driver’s seat. 2. Journals are snapshots of moments. They do not give the whole picture of what is happening – so anyone reading it, will very easily fall into the trap of creating a perspective that is limited and with very little understanding. That means, he is going to read your journal and be left with whatever judgments, criticisms, triggers and feelings about YOUR life, YOUR experience, YOUR process from HIS very limited perspective – without being able to talk through his feelings and thoughts with you. I know it has your growth process in there, but Melissa, you already have spoken to him about all of that. He knows already. He doesn’t need to read it in your journal. What needs to happen is you continue on your journey and keep doing your work. He is not a source for you right now and he is not something to “fix.” It’s time to let go of this relationship….in the form that it has existed. Love him enough to let him go and let him figure this out without you trying to fix things. Let everything fall wherever it lands and work on letting go of controlling the outcome. I know it’s scary, but it truly is the most powerful thing you could do for both you and him. Focus on you…let him go. It doesn’t mean you can’t come back together – it just means that when and if you do, it will be because it’s meant to happen and not because you were trying to force it in that direction. The more you force, the more you push, the more you try and convince him, the more you will push him away. He needs to come to you naturally and on his own. Does this make sense with how the journal can cause some problems?
Heidi
I’m so glad you are acknowledging the pain you carry inside. That’s a start. I really love that you have stayed here and keep showing up for this conversation, especially when everything we have been telling you goes against what you want to do. That takes courage! You have quite the spirit of determination and like all of our greatest strengths, they are our greatest weaknesses as well. Your beautiful determination is working against you right now and keep you in suffering and pain.
I know that his choice hurt. It’s part of life and always will be. Even if you got back together again, he STILL will make choices that will break your heart. Right now, the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can do for yourself is to develop a different skill set to be able to handle the failures of your life. You will be deeply hurt again and again and again for the rest of your life. This experience right now, is exposing that you let your pain run your life. You have a very STRONG relationship with pain – you are more committed to being in pain than to finding peace and love and healing for yourself.
Even you saying that you “want to work on yourself only to support others” is you basically saying that you don’t matter….only other people matter. You empty yourself out for other people and when they fail you, you are left with feeling an incredibly amount of pain and hurt and you have to then find another source of comfort. So you will spend your life constantly looking for other people to serve, so you can avoid and alleviate the pain you carry. There is another way. You can become your own source. When that happens, you build a solid foundation that allows you to move through life in much easier ways. I’ve spent many years building my foundation, because I come from a history of extreme abuse that went on for 2 decades. I had a choice and still do…every single day. Am I going to let the pain of other people’s decisions that caused me incredible harm – keep me stuck? Or am I going to keep moving forward and find my joy, peace and love regardless. I choose the latter. I choose to love, I choose to forgive, I choose to release the hurt, I choose to heal, I choose to source myself and not give my power away to another person. So now, when someone hurts me, betrays me, abandons me – I don’t fall apart. Yes, it hurts, but it’s not debilitating. Yes I struggle, but I am my own source and know to truly heal and not have to carry the pain of someone else’s choices.
Here is a principle: You cannot offer someone else something that you do not have. You say you love this guy, yet you don’t love yourself. You empty yourself out to others in efforts to get love from it, because you actually don’t have it for yourself. I want to support you in learning how to love yourself FIRST and foremost, before offering it to anyone else. I want to show you ways so you can source yourself, before sharing your beautiful heart with others. You have an incredibly big heart and it can be even more powerful and impactful if you learn how to take care of yourself and love yourself first. It doesn’t mean you don’t support others, it just means you include yourself as #1 on the list of people to support and nourish and love. This is TRUE love.
What he did IS right….for him. He needed to make this decision to separate from you because it is right for HIM. Its not the job of his friends to convince him otherwise. What you are saying is that he does NOT know what is best for him. What you are saying is that you know better what is good for him. Really??? How would that make you feel?
Heidi
