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I no longer want this man. I want to master the HI material for when I choose to enter a relationship again, but I also now want to focus on getting help in this forum figuring out how to heal my attraction to the wrong kind of men, those who pull away.\ Healing your attraction to the “wrong” kind of means understanding the dynamics of your attraction. When I first help someone start to dissect their “attraction” I help them first begin by understanding that attraction can come from a wounded/unresolved energy and it can come from clearer energy. They both can feel EXACTLY the same to the untrained person (which is the majority of the population). Understanding the VERY subtle differences requires an incredibly deep knowledge of yourself, your subconscious signals/patterns and using a lot of your intuition, accountability and having systems set up for your success. Even with all of those things, it will not guarantee anything long-term. So ultimately, love is a risk and that means that even with setting yourself up for the highest chance of long-term success, it still might not work.
To begin, it’s about understanding your woundedness and the baggage you carry around. For example, I had a father who was a narcissist and emotionally unavailable. So who were the guys I was attracted to? The bad-boy type. I KNEW exactly what I was stepping into and that nothing would ever come of these guys I chased after, but I couldn’t change my level of attraction until I worked on my beliefs/programs/limitations around love and connection with a man. One way I shifted this pattern was with this guy I dated for a bit in college. I was working with a therapist at the time, so she was able to help me through this, because I couldn’t have done it on my own. This guy was sooooo sweet, available, attentive and treated me like gold. I had dated “nice guys” many times before and my pattern was 2 weeks…I would have this strong attraction to a nice guy for 2 weeks and then all of a sudden, my system would start to sabotage…it was like clockwork. I stopped liking them, I started to find things wrong with them, I couldn’t stand them anymore…so I would end it. So with this college guy, my therapist had me stay in it so that part of me that would sabotage, could come up and we could actively work with it. HOLY SMOKES was it incredibly hard. I remember walking into his house and he would get a big smile and be excited to see me and I would literally cringe with every cell of my body – I hated that he was so nice. I had no respect for that kind of “weakness.” Needless to say…my therapist and I worked a lot on reprogramming my story about love, my story about nice guys, my story about the bad boy types and my story around my father. Then one day….it was like magic…I walked into his house and he did his usual “excited to see me” greeting and I felt butterflies…good butterflies. I couldn’t believe it!!!! A much longer story short, we dated for a while longer and although I still ended it, it wasn’t because he was a nice guy, it was for more appropriate reasons that we just were not a match anymore. This college guy experience shifted everything for me. From that point on, I could feel my system wanting to go back to the bad boys out of habit, but I was strong enough now to say no, that’s not what I am going to do anymore. Eventually, the bad boy kind of guy became completely unattractive to me and it no longer was an issue. Does this help explain a little bit how attraction can be sourced from woundedness/unresolved baggage etc.?
What is the process you recommend me to begin to heal this deeper issue in myself? Generally speaking, there are 2 things that need to happen. First, understanding and dissecting your patterns/attraction and working on healing the wounded parts of yourself that source attraction to unhealthy men. Second, educate yourself on understanding the subconscious signals always happening around us. Because I know myself on VERY deep levels, I have an understanding of the language of the subconscious and how it expresses itself. So when I go on dates, I am able to pick up on and understand most of what is not being said – and this has helped me know who to steer away from sooner than later and who is okay to invite in a little closer. There is no way for you to truly understand the language of the subconscious without experiencing it within yourself first and foremost – so the more you know yourself, the easier it is to understand others. The truth is though, you can still be fooled. There is no way to know if someone is going to bail and ghost – until they do – no matter how many signs you are able to pick up on about someone and who they are behind the “mask” they present. I also have strongly developed my intuition. This sense is incredibly powerful and more useful than other aspect I use in dating.
This is a lot to take in, so let me know your thoughts and we can go from here.
Heidi
I’m going to go ahead and respond to this in the other thread so we can keep this conversation all in one place.
I’ve decided to stay single for a while, so that I can master the HI process before I enter any new relations with men again. So let’s talk about this a little more. You are wondering why men end up pulling away from you. I’m obviously just making an observation from very little information, but from our short interactions here, I sense a very strong need to control and wanting to only deal with 1 aspect, instead of looking at all the layers influencing your situation. You want “formulas” to try and “fix” something you believe is broken. This kind of mentality can easily push a man away who is not wanting to be put into any kind of formula or box to be understood or known. If this is how you want to approach men, my guess is, this is also how you like to approach your life in general – organized, predictable, stable, solving problems, more black and white kind of thinking. This is just a sense I am getting and could be completely off. What are your thoughts on this?
Would you be willing to approach this differently? What if you didn’t create a template that you could “master” and instead connected more with the feeling of this approach? If you connect to WHY this approach can work, then when and if you want to use this technique, it will come from your heart, it will have your own personal flavor to the words and energy you use IN THE MOMENT and it will be much more powerful that way.
If this doesn’t interest you, then I accept you are not interested and will happily help you create a template.
Heidi
Hi Vino! Yes, I’m still here 🙂 I really love this job – even after 4 years!
Wow…you have a job! It sounds like a lot to deal with, but on the other hand, being that you are not too invested emotionally, you are able to come home and be filled up and find your balance by being with your kids and JB.
So it sounds like you and JB are still just friends and that it’s okay for you. Am I understanding correctly? I know how important he is to you and it sounds like he has a wonderful place in your heart that will always be there. I hope it’s the same for him as well. What do you do with the letters that you write him? I don’t understand why his teacher ripped up his homework assignment. He did what they asked, right?
How are your kids doing? Did your son (i think) end up going to Egypt?
heidi
Oh wow! I didn’t know that you had actual evidence and I didn’t know that he was making excuses and blaming you. He is incredibly fragile. No wonder he is shutting down and running away and not wanting to face anything. He is that type that has VERY strong childish energy that thinks if he isn’t looking at it or paying attention to it, then it’s not there.
I am so so sorry Emma. This is heartbreaking. What are you doing to help yourself?? Are you willing to get a therapist or coach that specializes in all of this? Has he officially moved out yet? What are you going to tell your kids?
Heidi
but there is indeed a prpblem to be solved: men pulling away after being so into me It’s incredibly difficult to truly know what is happening here without really dissecting your interactions with these men, what they felt and how you impacted them. Have you ever tried to ask one of them down the road? I’ve done that many times where I ask a guy that I dated about his thoughts about me and our connection etc – in an effort to just learn about myself. Have you ever tried asking a friend as well? Sometimes, friends will have insights that might give you some ideas about what is happening. If that is something you are not willing to do, then all you can do is just continue being yourself, learn, grow, release old baggage and keep living your life to the fullest. The bottom line is though, the guy disappearing is HIS issue, not yours. `The bottom line is, the guy is SHOWING YOU very clearly that he is NOT the kind of guy that has the ability to sustain an authentic, honest relationship. A guy who ghosts and runs away from being honest with you, is NOT YOUR GUY!!! Yes, there MAY be something you are doing that is causing all of these guys to lose interest AND as it turns out, every single one of those guys didn’t have the ability to just be honest and straight up with you….so are you really missing anything anyways? I don’t care what you are doing or how you might be unknowingly sabotaging the connection, it doesn’t change that the guy disappears – something that is incredibly disrespectful, childish and uncaring. So I view this as….you are being rescued and saved from a lot of heartache by the guy showing his true colors in the beginning.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a mate or husband, and I have a lot to offer. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting this! HOWEVER…you have this belief that you can become the woman you are supposed to be as long as you have a man – which is saying that you are not complete without a man – which in essence, is putting your happiness, your power, your heart in the hands of someone else. That’s the part I’m encouraging you to really look at.
I read Why Men Shut Women Out and was surprised that the reasons are that they are hurt. I need to discover how I am hurting men and change my behavior so this stops happening. This is a blanket statement and not true for every single man. Yes, some men are hurt, some men are fearful, some men are manipulating, some men are already taken – there are MANY reasons why men shut women out. Honestly, why does it matter? If a man shuts down and doesn’t use his voice to talk about what he needs or wants, then what kind of partner is he going to be anyways?
You are trying to use this HI material to fix yourself so that you can finally get the attention of a man long-term. What if you just kept focusing on yourself and did not worry about trying to “fix” yourself so a guy doesn’t run away? If a guy’s coping mechanism is to run, that is IN HIM and has NOTHING to do with you. You could be absolutely perfect and amazing and it is NOT going to change the coping mechanism of running away. Our coping mechanisms are part of our personalities and they never change. They can improve over time with a lot of work, but they never change. It’s just how we are made – so does it make a little more sense now that it’s actually not YOU that is the issue…it’s HIM!
Heidi
Hi Jadene,
I’ll be very clear. Yes, the HI material can work with men who have pulled away. I’ve seen it work many times. I’ve also seen it NOT work many times. It all depends on the unique dynamics of the situation – the people involved, the issues influencing the men to pull away, the level of trust and safety that existed in a connection before he pulled away and sooooo much more!
The thing about the HI material or any other tool used to get a guy to connect, is that 99% of the time that women want to use this stuff, is when they are in pain – so they are wanting to do anything they can to get the guy back to relieve the pain…which really is just a bandaid and not really addressing the root of the pain or really looking at the connection on a deeper level. Pain sooooo easily activates this feeling of desperation – and the bandaid way to fix the pain is by getting the guy back. That never solves anything and whatever issues that were there to begin with when the guy disappears, always comes back, so nothing ever really gets “solved” by using methods to get the guy to connect again.
So that’s why us coaches like to go deeper into the problem and really dissect what’s happening. Working with the core issues, if the person is willing, is always much more powerful.
Hopefully this answered your question more clearly. Was this helpful or would you like more explanation?
Heidi
Good job! You are very persistent and figuring it out…piece by piece. I know it’s not easy and of course being grumpy is part of something like this. I’m so glad you are over the hump and have figured it out!!!! And you got to talk to the cute mailroom guy and got his help. Bonus! 🙂
Leaf peeping was a disappointment. I didn’t go high enough in altitude, so the leaves were barely changing. This weekend though. I did more research and found some great places to adventure. The ballet was also okay. It was a local company – and to be honest, I’ve only been to shows with the highest caliber of dancers. So this show, although they were very good dancers, it just wasn’t as smooth, synchronized, emotive or jaw dropping as I’m used to. I’m spoiled I suppose. Regardless, it was a pleasant time with my friend and it was entertaining enough to feel like it was worth it.
Thanks for asking!
Heidi
Hi Emma,
Thank you for the update. It sounds like this is a good plan. You cannot keep pretending that you are okay and I’m really proud of you that you finally spoke up. Although there is no clarity of direction, at least for the next 3 weeks, you won’t have to deal with daily rejection and hurt. Your heart will get to rest a bit while trying to process how you want to move forward. I’m so sorry it has come to this. I know you have done everything you possibly can and have been incredibly supportive of what he needs – and I know you still not been able to create a connection with him. Now it’s time to head in a different direction. I’m glad you are getting some space to pay attention to only YOUR needs and he gets to do the same.
Keep me updated and let’s keep talking about how you feel and what comes up for you during these next few weeks.
Heidi
Hi Jadene,
Thank you for your thoughts. I want to take this opportunity to go a bit deeper than this material.
Let’s talk about what you said here: become the woman I’m supposed to be, loved and married to a devoted husband. I know you want this. I think most people want a forever kind of experience. The thing is, it’s not guaranteed for any of us. Love is a risk. You may get married, but then one day, one of you starts to feel differently and eventually divorce shows up. No one wants this, of course, but relationships can change in a hot second and before you know it, your entire world has changed. So I want to encourage you to shift your thinking….you can become the FULL potential of who you are, WITHOUT a man to share the rest of your life with.
Yes, men pull away quite a bit. The bottom line is though, no matter their reasons, in those moments we all have a choice – as the man pulls away and stops choosing us, are we going to choose ourselves? The deeper, core issue here is that when a man disappears, women don’t have the skillset to love and choose themselves in the middle of that loss. They ask “what’s wrong with me, what did I do? I don’t understand what I did wrong!!!” Instead, we need to be saying “I am loveable whether he thinks so or not. I am worth choosing and fighting for, even if he doesn’t feel that way. I did the very best that I know how and that’s enough – I deserve to be loved in my best and worst and even if I messed up somehow, I want a partner who is able to stick with me through my limitations.” Relationship, at it’s very core, exposes our relationship with our SELF. The other person is just a player in our life that shows us all kinds of things about how we feel about our life, our self, our programs, our beliefs, our stuckness, our greatness etc. So when someone doesn’t choose us or when someone disappears, the most important thing is to choose ourselves – and THEN that allows us to learn and grow from a place of love instead of a place of lack and scarcity.
From how you are talking, I get a sense that there is this belief that once you find that “love” then you will finally feel that peace and happiness and you are trying to learn as much as you can to be able to get to experience that kind of love you have imagined. This is very normal, considering where you have come from. It’s incredibly challenging and difficult when you grow up not only without love, but constant rejection in some form or another. It’s awful and I’m so sorry you have had to endure this. I understand your craving for love. It’s natural. I want to encourage you to strengthen your self love. How do you feel you could improve this area of your life? Do you have friends you feel safe with? Do you have any animals?
Heidi
Hi Jadene,
Welcome! We are delighted you are here sharing your situation with us. First, I understand why you are confused. He is sending some mixed signals, so you are not sure what signals to believe. I know how confusing it is and I know you want a deeper understanding. I understand you want to pull him towards you, but let’s talk about that a bit.
This guy sounds like he is not sure what he wants. He seems confused. This, in and of itself is a bit of a red flag here. It’s not your job to help him become more clear about you. Don’t you want a guy who is INSTANTLY inspired by you and has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to get to know you? Don’t you want a guy who has an uninhibited YES when it comes to you? This guy seems confused about his own life and what he needs and wants. He also played with 3 of you and not being clear about what was happening. RED FLAG!!!! Nobody is perfect of course, but they are big enough caution flags that need to be causing you to be even more discerning.
So I’m wondering, what makes you want to fight for a guy who is confused and misled the 3 of you. Those are pretty strong non-starters. You are already having to use techniques and tricks to get him to connect with you. Do you REALLY want to work THAT hard to get a guy’s attention?
You said you were diagnosed with PTSD. Are you working with anyone to help you through whatever has happened? Many times, PTSD can cause us to have feelings for someone that is not emotionally available, therefore causing more stress and challenge. Just something to consider and think about.
Heidi
I know it feels like you have “lost” and although that’s true in the sense that you didn’t get what you wanted, you also have soooooo much to gain from this experience. You have this idea that he was the only and best match for you, but what we see and feel is NEVER the full story or picture. It’s ALWAYS just a tiny piece of the puzzle of life. There is no reason why another man might come along and completely sweep you off your feet. Life is FULL of surprises and there are many more waiting for you.
Your goal now, is to heal. Your goal is to find your joy and peace all on your own, so you don’t have to rely on someone else to make you happy. Once you are able to source yourself, love yourself, value yourself, then whether a guy comes along or not, you feel happy in your life. This is the ultimate way of living AND it takes time. It’s a process.
What do you feel or think about this?
Heidi
the greatest gift of extreme challenges is that it is an opportunity to strengthen our faith, right? “Let go and let God.” That’s so incredibly difficult, isn’t it. I’m glad you are reminding yourself of how you have made it this far and you can keep making it! Who the heck knows how that’s going to happen, but it will. You are not alone!
No clue about the ballet. They were tickets given to me in exchange for an Akashic Reading I did, so I’ll let you know how it goes. Either way, I’m excited. I LOVE any form of dance and it will be good to get out and do something different. And yes, leaf peeping is about going to see all the fall colors. It’s a funny name, isn’t it? I cracked up the first time I heard of it.
Heidi
I think those selfish and arrogant attitudes exist everywhere. It’s part of human nature and I have no doubt it all gets expressed in different ways, depending on the environment and culture. It’s sooooo so sad and hard to be a witness to.
I’m glad you are taking it easy. You have been through a lot of stress, so relaxing and having some fun is a good idea! Geneva is definitely something to look forward to for sure!!!
I am going to a contemporary ballet this evening and I’m heading up into the mountains to go leaf peeping! I”m excited about this weekend!
Heidi
