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Hi Christey,
Thank you for sharing a little more. It sounds like you have a lot of insecurity. Jealousy comes from not feeling like you are enough and lying comes from a lot of fear and not feeling confident or good about yourself. Does this resonate for you?
As far as your guy saying that the girl doesn’t mind him sleeping with you, isn’t it possible he is lying? You have never talked to her and your guy obviously wants what he wants, so it would be very easy for him to just lie about it. Even if he isn’t lying about it and the other girl doesn’t mind, the issue here is more about YOU and what feels okay for you.
If you are not happy with the situation, then you either set some standards and boundaries to create what you want – and he will either align with it or he won’t OR you keep doing what you are doing and let go of any need to have anything more with him than just sex.
If you want him back, then the jealousy and compulsive lying are things that sabotage connection. He is not going to want to step back into that kind of dynamic. Is this something you are willing to work on?
Heidi
Hi Melody! There is a lot to talk about here, so stay with me, as there are a lot of layers to all of it.
It’s just that the books mentioned stories of the guy wanting to end his relationship to wanting to commit for a lifetime so I believed if we try hard enough, we’d figure something out. I wish this were actually true. Sometimes “trying hard enough” does work – sometimes it doesn’t. Ultimately, when it comes to other people, the truth is…we are all quite powerless. You can “try” all you want, but that does not guarantee any specific result. That’s why love and romance is such a huge risk. I have seen couples that have been together for 20 years, all of a sudden fall apart. The divorce rate is over 50%. I’m sure at least 1 person in all of those relationships “tried hard enough” and it just wasn’t enough. What is really important to embrace here is: powerlessness. We are all powerless with how someone else behaves and how they live their life. We can try and inspire certain behaviors or feelings, but ultimately, the other person makes the decision for themselves – so you trying hard enough DOES NOT guarantee you can work anything out. So I’d like to invite you into not pushing this situation to turn out the way YOU want. I understand you have feelings for him AND it’s also important to pay attention to more than just that. If you step back and let things happen without influencing the direction, you will get a more clear picture and understanding of what lives between the both of you. Honestly, the level of confusion you are already having BEFORE anything has even developed – is something I would invite you to pay attention to. Relationships are hard enough as it is and you are already struggling and confused and nothing has even started yet. I know you believe that once it becomes clear and you both are on the same page, the struggle and confusion will resolve, but from my educated guess, I view it more as a sign of what is to come.
Am I perhaps the one giving mix signals as I guess that I am? I am naturally friendly to all my male friends incl. him in an effort to be fair & it seems some of them misunderstood from their reactions which got me quite upset (as they ghost or go cold for no reason). This is possible. There is no way to know unless you ask someone. You can always just be straight up and ask him directly and see what his perspective is. Who knows…either way, this guessing game you are trying to play is all conjecture and doesn’t get you anywhere and not based on any real information. Your mind is just left to fill in the blanks – and our mind loooooves to do that and call it real or truth. Stay away from this trap!
I know, my own wound / issue / trauma will play into things sometimes but no one is perfect or without issues. I just thought if we could try a relationship, then we could see how well we handled our worst as there will be no need to keep the distance that opposing gendered friends would. You ALREADY are seeing how he handles the worst. You don’t need to “be together” to see these things. How a person responds to stress is the same across the board. A person’s coping mechanism is developed in childhood and will stay with them for the rest of their lives. So…you are seeing that he is quite rejecting, he is uncomfortable, he stops communicating and he shuts down. He will do the same exact thing in a relationship.
I don’t see why we can’t grow together. There are A LOT of reasons why you guys can’t grow “together.” The number one reason being, if he is THAT wounded and emotionally immature OR socially dis-abled in some way – you are dealing with a guy who doesn’t have the capacity OR doesn’t have the desire to grow and heal in meaningful ways. If he is emotionally stunted, then this guy has a TON of work to do – with an expert – if he is ever going to be able to function well in a relationship. If he is disabled in some sort of way, he won’t have the capacity to do the deeper work. Do you know if he reads books to understand himself? Do you know if he has ever worked with a therapist? Do you know if he is even a guy that is interested in growth/healing/facing his fears and limitations?
I cannot self-actualize until I meet my 3rd Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (I’ve tried) & unfortunately not anyone can do (I’ve tried). Career or dreams are just too empty without someone there & I’m sure just as friends cannot replace parents, career cannot replace lovers (at least for me). I’m going to be a bit of a stickler on this one. For you to believe that you cannot self-actualize because you don’t have a partner, then there is a BIG misunderstanding about his theory. You basically are saying that without “love” and a romantic connection, you are limited in your growth. This simply is not true. I have self actualized a gazillion times over WITHOUT a romantic connection in my life. The “connection” happens within myself and I am fully empowered to create a wonderful life, with or without romance. Besides, Maslow’s theory, although a good foundation, is far from the whole picture and truth. It’s not a theory to take literally – it’s meant to be used as ONE perspective – as all theories are.
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Christy,
I can’t guide you very well if I don’t have more context. Would you be willing to share more details?
Why did you guys break up?
Have you ever broken up before?
Has he ever cheated on you or vice versa?
Is he still involved in your daughter’s life?
Are you willing to stop having sex with him and set some standards for yourself?
Any thoughts on what Christine or I said?Anything you are willing to share will be really helpful.
Heidi
You’re flat sounds amazing! What a perfect location! I love that you get to walk everywhere and have the metro right by you. Your life is just going to get so much easier!!! And with a kitchen that you like, you will get to keep baking! You are closer to friends, you are close to activities, closer to your parents….it sounds quite perfect.
I love that you feel happy and are enjoying your life. It sounds like everything has fallen into place exactly as you need it to. Next, is the guy, right? It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen. Until then, you have plenty to do and plenty to enjoy.
I love your occasional updates, so keep me posted!!!
Heidi
Hey there! I just wanted to check in. I was hoping to keep talking, but maybe you feel complete. I would love an update and to hear how you are feeling and how things are going for you.
Heidi
Sheesh, it seems like Travis is having the same kind of experience you are. It’s so incredibly difficult when the “system” doesn’t allow you to do what needs to be done. Sooooooo many darn rules and regulations that cause a lot of problems for people. It will all work out eventually…for both of you…one way or the other. It’s just a matter of time – which seriously sucks! I’m sorry you guys have to go through this. Life is already hard enough and to add things like this on top of it, it just makes it really tough. I’m glad you have each other!
Your trip sounds so wonderful! How did it impact you? Do you feel different after your trip compared to before? Traveling and seeing different parts of the world can really touch the soul in a very special way. I’m wondering if you are feeling that.
Heidi
Holy smokes a lot has happened, hasn’t it???
l
I’m wondering, why are you not moving back into the place you own? Maybe someone is still living there? Have you found a place you really like?So interesting about that guy! I’m so glad you finally set some seriously strong boundaries with him. He needed to get his **it together! What’s up with that other guy??? He treats you like a queen for a few days and then disappears??? I’m glad you aren’t taking that too seriously and are just focusing on the pleasure of it.
Wow…as far as the mediation goes, it sounds like your boss is just not interested in taking responsibility. Yuk! I love your strength in accepting that it is what it is and you are just going to focus on doing your job well. She has no idea how lucky she is to have you!
Have you looked into other types of injections? Regenerative medicine is a fast growing field these days. The types of injections they are doing are keeping people out of the surgery room. There are many different types that ARE healing. Have you ever talked to your doctor about that? Stem cells? PRP?
All in all, it sounds like you are doing well and you are solid and you are living your life. You sound centered and grounded and clear. Do you feel happy?
Heidi
Of course it’s difficult to stay away from that spark. That kind of energy makes you feel so alive and amazing, right? The thing is, you aren’t finishing the “story.” Meaning…when you feel that spark and start to long for him, you are saying certain things to yourself that source that feeling and keep it going. Just a guess here, but things like “This feels so good, we are so good together, I miss him etc.” You are focusing on all the good stuff and then your mind loops back around to the beginning and keeps stuck on all the good stuff you are losing. Finishing the story means you say the WHOLE story, not just half the story. So lets say you are looping around “He makes me feel that spark and I feel so alive when I’m with him.” Finishing the story would be “He makes me feel that spark and I feel so alive when I’m with him AND he is not emotionally available, that spark will lead me into heartache eventually and I deserve a guy who is able to offer me 100% of himself – and this guy can’t do that.” So you are putting in the FULL truth into your mind, not just the partial truth that you want to pay attention to. Every time you go into la la fantasy land about how great it would be if you were together, remind yourself of the reality – he is not available. Not yet at least. Down the road, something might shift, who knows, but for RIGHT NOW – he is not good for anyone and he needs to stay focused on himself.
As far as your loveability and your abandonment programs, I like to use the analogy of a Monet painting. I don’t know if you have ever seen one in person, so it may not have the kind of impact I’m intending. Monet painting, when standing close to it, look incredibly scattered, discordant and confusing. Usually, you have no idea what you are actually looking at, except a bunch of dots of color. Then…as you take steps back, the painting starts to make sense. The shapes start to form and it all becomes organized and beautiful! We are like the same exact way. When we focus on the small, distinct parts of ourselves, our messiness, our darkness, our shadow, our limitations, our unloveable side – when that’s all we look at, then of course we are going to feel unloveable. But if you take a step back and look at the OTHER sides of you too – your beautiful heart, your fighting spirit, your generosity, your care, your ability to love despite all your traumas – the WHOLE picture – you are damn beautiful! So finish the story about yourself as well. You may say “I am not loveable AND I am caring and I matter to….” You have wonderful things about you right next to all the yucky stuff and they belong as a WHOLE picture, not just part of the picture. Just something to think about….let’s keep talking!!!!
Heidi
Hi Christey! Thank you for being here. I can tell how lost you are feeling and how badly you just want things to go back to the way they were. How long were you together? What were the reasons for him breaking up with you?
Christina is spot on. This guy obviously is not really invested in you or the other girl. He is just playing around and getting what he really wants…sex. If you want more from him than sex, then it’s up to you to set that boundary. Sex is NOT going to bring him back. Sex is actually making him put you in that category where he can get laid and not have to do all the other relationship stuff. So although you are getting moments of connection with him through sex, it’s an illusion to think you will get anything more from him. Why would he offer more when he is getting what he wants already?
I know you feel like you love him, but love is never enough – and the kind of love you feel is more wounded than clear. It’s wounded love because it’s the kind of love that doesn’t include YOU in the equation. Meaning, it’s NOT a loving thing to do for YOURSELF to “love” a guy who treats you this way. When it’s not a loving thing for yourself, then it’s the kind of love that is sourced from old wounds of abandonment, betrayal, sadness, hurt etc. When those feelings are big enough inside, it’s very easy to seek out someone to “love” to soothe pain as well as work on indirectly trying to resolve those past hurts with the current person. It usually ends up quite being quite a mess this way. Does this make sense?
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi Toni! Welcome!
I know how scary it is to look at your life and feel like it’s all going to fall apart and there is nothing you can do about it. Your husband is unhappy again and of course a lot of your fears would be coming up. I first want to say, it’s important for you to connect more strongly to the truth that no matter what happens, even if you end up apart, you will be okay. This is so important for you to connect to, because it can help calm down the anxiety and you will be able to navigate this situation with much more clarity. When fear and anxiety are high, it really can make a mess of things. I am so so sorry for everything you have had to deal with in your life. You’ve been dealt some very tough cards to deal with and even in all of your messiness, you are doing the best you can – and sometimes it’s still not enough. It’s okay though. Loving yourself through times like this is the greatest thing you can do!
I just have a few questions. What is your husband unhappy about? Has he talked to you about what is missing in his life?
I understand that you are realizing you weren’t there for him emotionally. I also want you to understand that you are not responsible for his happiness….he is. You may not have been there for him, but even if you were, it doesn’t mean he would be happy today. A person’s happiness is about all kinds of things, not just the relationship. It’s about how he is feeding his body (poor nutrition can cause a lot of depression and toxic emotion), it’s about how he is exercising or not, it’s about how he feels about his professional life, it’s about how he feels at home – with you, it’s about his spiritual life and if he feels connected to something greater, it’s about his perspective of himself – none of things are things you have any control over, as that is HIS world and it’s for HIM to fix, not you.
Yes, you can learn to be a better partner, but I wouldn’t bank on that making him feel better about himself. He isn’t sourcing himself in a way that makes him feel happy, so no matter what you do, it will only be a drop in the bucket.
Do you think he would be willing to see a therapist with you again?
Heidi
Hi Melody,
I’m so sorry you are not getting a response. I’ll read through what you and Spyce have been talking about and respond to your other thread.
Heidi
Hi Christina,
I just read through your situation and let me just say, wow…you have been through a lot. I have a lot of respect for you! Regardless of what you have been through, you keep figuring out ways to get back up and keep moving forward. You have gotten help and you are still willing to keep your heart open to the idea of falling in love again. It’s not easy what you are dealing with and it takes a lot of courage. Well done!
I want to encourage you to take a step back. All the reasons you have mentioned about NOT moving forward with this guy are legit. They are solid, they reasonable, they are logical and they are reasons to give serious consideration. You can sum all those reasons into one…he is NOT emotionally available for you. It really is that simple.
Connection does not equal compatibility. You guys have a great connection, but you are not compatible yet, because of the very simple reason that he is not ready to be compatible with anyone yet. He needs to get his life together. He needs to get divorced. He needs to create closure before opening the door to something new. He needs to feel who he is as a single, non-attached guy. He went from wife #1 to wife #2 without processing anything – and look where it’s gotten him. It took 10 years and whatever the reasons are, he needs to learn who he is separate than relationship before he will be good for anyone else. And my guess is, he has cheated before. He said he would probably mess things up by sleeping with another woman – which feels like him knowing what he is capable of, because he has done it before.
I know he has activated a spark in you and that is incredibly hard to step away from. It’s still your choice, of course, but if you continue to connect with him, on any level, you are stepping into something where the odds of your heart getting broken are pretty high. I would encourage you to stay away completely. Let your heart heal from the loss, keep working with your therapist on your self-esteem and your loveability and move forward. There will be another spark and hopefully that man will actually be available for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I think it’s good to talk to a lawyer and look at what your options are. It’s good to set yourself up for the best, most peaceful way to go about this and where everyone is taken care of.
I also think it would be a good thing to find a therapist. Of course your heart is breaking. The family and love that you knew for soooooo many years, no longer exists and that is just devastating. You are carrying an incredibly amount of pain and having someone to talk about it with and help you process what is happening, would be the very thing you could do for yourself. I am happy to send you my coach’s information if you want. She has helped a lot of people through divorce/breakups etc.
I know the conversation with your kids will be incredibly difficult. Trust they will be okay. You both have created a solid family home life for many years. That foundation is what helps them handle the disappointments/heartbreaks they will have in their life. Trust that although they will have reactions and have to deal with the loss and hurt, they can do it. Trust they are strong enough. You both can be there for them in different ways and that is one of the best ways to support them as they navigate something like this. Also giving them an option of a therapist/coach would be a good idea. Most people don’t know what to do with all the feelings that come up. Having an expert who specializes in healing and teaching people how to process their emotions, will help them develop skills they will need for the rest of their lives.
Your friend calling him “rotten” sounds like her own trigger. She is angry. Her friend is hurting and the cause of that hurt is your husband. Yes, he has betrayed your trust and completely ruined the connection by disconnecting, not being authentic and running away from whatever it is that he doesn’t want to face. I wouldn’t say that he is “rotten.” I would say that he is incredibly miserable, confused and afraid. His fear is big enough that he is not willing to face it and he is putting you in the position of asking for a divorce instead of doing it himself. He is not a brave kind of guy. He is that guy that when things get tough, he runs instead of sticking it out and working through it. I know that may not have been who he used to be, but that’s sadly who he is today. He is making you do all the “dirty” work. He is no longer your partner. He no longer cares how he affects you. He no longer cares about his actions and is acting like a child whose emotions are controlling him all over the place. Whatever is happening for him and why, it doesn’t really matter anymore – he has abandoned himself and therefore has abandoned you. There is nothing you can do about that except to take action in protecting yourself. Your heart is sacred and valuable and he is no longer protecting it nor caring about it – so you have to step in and do that for yourself. Living in that kind of environment of constant rejection and being ignored steals your life force and damages your heart. It’s time for you to care for yourself. Make arrangements for him to move somewhere else. You and the kids should stay at the house.
Are you willing to take this kind of action? Are you willing to work with an expert who can help you navigate this?
Heidi
