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Hi Jadene,
Welcome! We are delighted you are here sharing your situation with us. First, I understand why you are confused. He is sending some mixed signals, so you are not sure what signals to believe. I know how confusing it is and I know you want a deeper understanding. I understand you want to pull him towards you, but let’s talk about that a bit.
This guy sounds like he is not sure what he wants. He seems confused. This, in and of itself is a bit of a red flag here. It’s not your job to help him become more clear about you. Don’t you want a guy who is INSTANTLY inspired by you and has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to get to know you? Don’t you want a guy who has an uninhibited YES when it comes to you? This guy seems confused about his own life and what he needs and wants. He also played with 3 of you and not being clear about what was happening. RED FLAG!!!! Nobody is perfect of course, but they are big enough caution flags that need to be causing you to be even more discerning.
So I’m wondering, what makes you want to fight for a guy who is confused and misled the 3 of you. Those are pretty strong non-starters. You are already having to use techniques and tricks to get him to connect with you. Do you REALLY want to work THAT hard to get a guy’s attention?
You said you were diagnosed with PTSD. Are you working with anyone to help you through whatever has happened? Many times, PTSD can cause us to have feelings for someone that is not emotionally available, therefore causing more stress and challenge. Just something to consider and think about.
Heidi
I know it feels like you have “lost” and although that’s true in the sense that you didn’t get what you wanted, you also have soooooo much to gain from this experience. You have this idea that he was the only and best match for you, but what we see and feel is NEVER the full story or picture. It’s ALWAYS just a tiny piece of the puzzle of life. There is no reason why another man might come along and completely sweep you off your feet. Life is FULL of surprises and there are many more waiting for you.
Your goal now, is to heal. Your goal is to find your joy and peace all on your own, so you don’t have to rely on someone else to make you happy. Once you are able to source yourself, love yourself, value yourself, then whether a guy comes along or not, you feel happy in your life. This is the ultimate way of living AND it takes time. It’s a process.
What do you feel or think about this?
Heidi
the greatest gift of extreme challenges is that it is an opportunity to strengthen our faith, right? “Let go and let God.” That’s so incredibly difficult, isn’t it. I’m glad you are reminding yourself of how you have made it this far and you can keep making it! Who the heck knows how that’s going to happen, but it will. You are not alone!
No clue about the ballet. They were tickets given to me in exchange for an Akashic Reading I did, so I’ll let you know how it goes. Either way, I’m excited. I LOVE any form of dance and it will be good to get out and do something different. And yes, leaf peeping is about going to see all the fall colors. It’s a funny name, isn’t it? I cracked up the first time I heard of it.
Heidi
I think those selfish and arrogant attitudes exist everywhere. It’s part of human nature and I have no doubt it all gets expressed in different ways, depending on the environment and culture. It’s sooooo so sad and hard to be a witness to.
I’m glad you are taking it easy. You have been through a lot of stress, so relaxing and having some fun is a good idea! Geneva is definitely something to look forward to for sure!!!
I am going to a contemporary ballet this evening and I’m heading up into the mountains to go leaf peeping! I”m excited about this weekend!
Heidi
You can’t just stop lying. If it’s compulsive for you, then there is a deeper issue influencing why you are lying so much. You can try and stop it all you want, and you may be successful at first, but the pattern will come back. And so will your jealousy. So let’s talk about why these 2 things are part of your life. Do you understand why you lie so much and why you are jealous?
If you stop having sex with him, there is a risk you will lose him completely. Is that something you are willing to do? That is ALWAYS the risk we take when we set standards and boundaries – the other person may not like it and choose to completely disconnect. However, setting standards and boundaries for yourself is really important. It’s a loving and protective choice for yourself.
Heidi
Do you understand your behaviors? How are you going to “work on them.”
What boundaries are you willing to set with him?
Heidi
I am realizing, though, how selfish, arrogant and spoiled many people in the US and Canada are. This is interesting. How so? I understand the spoiled thing when you explained about Walmart, but what about selfish and arrogant? How are you seeing those differences?
Gosh, it seems like it’s just one thing after another. I really hope you are able to work all of this out. It’s unfortunate you are having to experience all of how messed up so many systems are.
Heidi
Oh wow Jinu! I am soooooo so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking and completely confusing. Unfortunately, this is not an unusual occurrence with online dating. Many people dating online, are actually not available. Many of them or already in serious relationships or some version of being attached or just wanting to play games. They come on VERY strong in the beginning, know EXACTLY what to say to get what they want and then they get what they want…and then completely disappear. It is so incredibly sad the kind of games people are playing out there. A survey I came across about a year ago said that 51% of the people on Tinder were in serious relationships. What???? Many of them were interviewed and I was shocked at how many just wanted to know “they still had it” and they just wanted “attention” etc. So they go online and play all these games with unassuming people that are trusting what they are saying.
I cannot, in good conscious, guide you into getting this guy back. He is AWFUL in how he is treating you. To play with your heart like that and completely disappear…it is exactly as Christina has said…cowardly, unkind, incredibly disrespectful and heartless. I don’t know what his deal is, but I do know enough that this guy is NOT good for you.
Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. I love that you got to feel all those wonderful feelings with him. However, that is NOT the part that makes a relationship work nor last. It is the worst part of someone that makes or breaks a relationship. How people treat each other in their worst, most painful moments, is what matters MORE than how strong the connection is. For example, you KNOW that you guys had fun together and everything was great. You also know he has the ability to ghost you and stop communicating. He has broken trust. So even if you do get back together, you aren’t going to trust him. His worst has damaged the connection, no matter how great the connection was. His worst, is a deal breaker. You CANNOT work through any argument or challenge with a guy who isn’t willing to communicate, be honest or show up as a partner when things get tough or uncomfortable. So even if you do get this guy back, he is going to do this to you again and again and again and again. It’s his coping mechanism. He either was playing a seriously horrible game with you – which means he is a SUPER MESSED UP person – or he is so afraid of telling you the truth or how he REALLY feels. Either way you look at this, it’s a deal breaker and he is not the kind of guy who can support any kind of healthy connection.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Is there a way you can run into him? Is there a way to show up at his house or after his work or something, so you can confront him in person?
Heidi
You are doing some great work Christina! Think of dating this way….your heart is the job. Your sacred, beautiful, sensitive heart that needs VERY SPECIAL care – this is the job that each guy sitting in front of you, is applying for. On a job interview, as the owner, you are looking for someone who has the RIGHT skills, to be able to care for your heart. What kind of qualities does a guy need to have, if you are going to hire him? And if you hire someone, it’s only on a trial basis, because you need to see them in action and how they care for YOUR heart. You obviously are on the same interview for their heart, so you want someone who values their heart JUST AS MUCH! Remember, someone cannot give you something they don’t have. If they don’t have self-respect, self-love and if they don’t KNOW they are a really good catch, then there is NO WAY they will ever view you that way. Now that’s not to say they won’t have their moments. I have a lot of self love and self esteem AND I definitely have my moments where all of that shatters and I can’t imagine anyone loving me. It’s just life, right? So you want to find someone and be someone who lives most of their time on the self-love side. There are A LOT of ways to observe this about someone.
So if you were interviewing someone for the job of taking care of your heart, what kinds of questions would you ask?
Heidi
Hi Christey,
Thank you for sharing a little more. It sounds like you have a lot of insecurity. Jealousy comes from not feeling like you are enough and lying comes from a lot of fear and not feeling confident or good about yourself. Does this resonate for you?
As far as your guy saying that the girl doesn’t mind him sleeping with you, isn’t it possible he is lying? You have never talked to her and your guy obviously wants what he wants, so it would be very easy for him to just lie about it. Even if he isn’t lying about it and the other girl doesn’t mind, the issue here is more about YOU and what feels okay for you.
If you are not happy with the situation, then you either set some standards and boundaries to create what you want – and he will either align with it or he won’t OR you keep doing what you are doing and let go of any need to have anything more with him than just sex.
If you want him back, then the jealousy and compulsive lying are things that sabotage connection. He is not going to want to step back into that kind of dynamic. Is this something you are willing to work on?
Heidi
Hi Melody! There is a lot to talk about here, so stay with me, as there are a lot of layers to all of it.
It’s just that the books mentioned stories of the guy wanting to end his relationship to wanting to commit for a lifetime so I believed if we try hard enough, we’d figure something out. I wish this were actually true. Sometimes “trying hard enough” does work – sometimes it doesn’t. Ultimately, when it comes to other people, the truth is…we are all quite powerless. You can “try” all you want, but that does not guarantee any specific result. That’s why love and romance is such a huge risk. I have seen couples that have been together for 20 years, all of a sudden fall apart. The divorce rate is over 50%. I’m sure at least 1 person in all of those relationships “tried hard enough” and it just wasn’t enough. What is really important to embrace here is: powerlessness. We are all powerless with how someone else behaves and how they live their life. We can try and inspire certain behaviors or feelings, but ultimately, the other person makes the decision for themselves – so you trying hard enough DOES NOT guarantee you can work anything out. So I’d like to invite you into not pushing this situation to turn out the way YOU want. I understand you have feelings for him AND it’s also important to pay attention to more than just that. If you step back and let things happen without influencing the direction, you will get a more clear picture and understanding of what lives between the both of you. Honestly, the level of confusion you are already having BEFORE anything has even developed – is something I would invite you to pay attention to. Relationships are hard enough as it is and you are already struggling and confused and nothing has even started yet. I know you believe that once it becomes clear and you both are on the same page, the struggle and confusion will resolve, but from my educated guess, I view it more as a sign of what is to come.
Am I perhaps the one giving mix signals as I guess that I am? I am naturally friendly to all my male friends incl. him in an effort to be fair & it seems some of them misunderstood from their reactions which got me quite upset (as they ghost or go cold for no reason). This is possible. There is no way to know unless you ask someone. You can always just be straight up and ask him directly and see what his perspective is. Who knows…either way, this guessing game you are trying to play is all conjecture and doesn’t get you anywhere and not based on any real information. Your mind is just left to fill in the blanks – and our mind loooooves to do that and call it real or truth. Stay away from this trap!
I know, my own wound / issue / trauma will play into things sometimes but no one is perfect or without issues. I just thought if we could try a relationship, then we could see how well we handled our worst as there will be no need to keep the distance that opposing gendered friends would. You ALREADY are seeing how he handles the worst. You don’t need to “be together” to see these things. How a person responds to stress is the same across the board. A person’s coping mechanism is developed in childhood and will stay with them for the rest of their lives. So…you are seeing that he is quite rejecting, he is uncomfortable, he stops communicating and he shuts down. He will do the same exact thing in a relationship.
I don’t see why we can’t grow together. There are A LOT of reasons why you guys can’t grow “together.” The number one reason being, if he is THAT wounded and emotionally immature OR socially dis-abled in some way – you are dealing with a guy who doesn’t have the capacity OR doesn’t have the desire to grow and heal in meaningful ways. If he is emotionally stunted, then this guy has a TON of work to do – with an expert – if he is ever going to be able to function well in a relationship. If he is disabled in some sort of way, he won’t have the capacity to do the deeper work. Do you know if he reads books to understand himself? Do you know if he has ever worked with a therapist? Do you know if he is even a guy that is interested in growth/healing/facing his fears and limitations?
I cannot self-actualize until I meet my 3rd Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (I’ve tried) & unfortunately not anyone can do (I’ve tried). Career or dreams are just too empty without someone there & I’m sure just as friends cannot replace parents, career cannot replace lovers (at least for me). I’m going to be a bit of a stickler on this one. For you to believe that you cannot self-actualize because you don’t have a partner, then there is a BIG misunderstanding about his theory. You basically are saying that without “love” and a romantic connection, you are limited in your growth. This simply is not true. I have self actualized a gazillion times over WITHOUT a romantic connection in my life. The “connection” happens within myself and I am fully empowered to create a wonderful life, with or without romance. Besides, Maslow’s theory, although a good foundation, is far from the whole picture and truth. It’s not a theory to take literally – it’s meant to be used as ONE perspective – as all theories are.
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Christy,
I can’t guide you very well if I don’t have more context. Would you be willing to share more details?
Why did you guys break up?
Have you ever broken up before?
Has he ever cheated on you or vice versa?
Is he still involved in your daughter’s life?
Are you willing to stop having sex with him and set some standards for yourself?
Any thoughts on what Christine or I said?Anything you are willing to share will be really helpful.
Heidi
You’re flat sounds amazing! What a perfect location! I love that you get to walk everywhere and have the metro right by you. Your life is just going to get so much easier!!! And with a kitchen that you like, you will get to keep baking! You are closer to friends, you are close to activities, closer to your parents….it sounds quite perfect.
I love that you feel happy and are enjoying your life. It sounds like everything has fallen into place exactly as you need it to. Next, is the guy, right? It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen. Until then, you have plenty to do and plenty to enjoy.
I love your occasional updates, so keep me posted!!!
Heidi
