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I think those selfish and arrogant attitudes exist everywhere. It’s part of human nature and I have no doubt it all gets expressed in different ways, depending on the environment and culture. It’s sooooo so sad and hard to be a witness to.
I’m glad you are taking it easy. You have been through a lot of stress, so relaxing and having some fun is a good idea! Geneva is definitely something to look forward to for sure!!!
I am going to a contemporary ballet this evening and I’m heading up into the mountains to go leaf peeping! I”m excited about this weekend!
Heidi
You can’t just stop lying. If it’s compulsive for you, then there is a deeper issue influencing why you are lying so much. You can try and stop it all you want, and you may be successful at first, but the pattern will come back. And so will your jealousy. So let’s talk about why these 2 things are part of your life. Do you understand why you lie so much and why you are jealous?
If you stop having sex with him, there is a risk you will lose him completely. Is that something you are willing to do? That is ALWAYS the risk we take when we set standards and boundaries – the other person may not like it and choose to completely disconnect. However, setting standards and boundaries for yourself is really important. It’s a loving and protective choice for yourself.
Heidi
Do you understand your behaviors? How are you going to “work on them.”
What boundaries are you willing to set with him?
Heidi
I am realizing, though, how selfish, arrogant and spoiled many people in the US and Canada are. This is interesting. How so? I understand the spoiled thing when you explained about Walmart, but what about selfish and arrogant? How are you seeing those differences?
Gosh, it seems like it’s just one thing after another. I really hope you are able to work all of this out. It’s unfortunate you are having to experience all of how messed up so many systems are.
Heidi
Oh wow Jinu! I am soooooo so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking and completely confusing. Unfortunately, this is not an unusual occurrence with online dating. Many people dating online, are actually not available. Many of them or already in serious relationships or some version of being attached or just wanting to play games. They come on VERY strong in the beginning, know EXACTLY what to say to get what they want and then they get what they want…and then completely disappear. It is so incredibly sad the kind of games people are playing out there. A survey I came across about a year ago said that 51% of the people on Tinder were in serious relationships. What???? Many of them were interviewed and I was shocked at how many just wanted to know “they still had it” and they just wanted “attention” etc. So they go online and play all these games with unassuming people that are trusting what they are saying.
I cannot, in good conscious, guide you into getting this guy back. He is AWFUL in how he is treating you. To play with your heart like that and completely disappear…it is exactly as Christina has said…cowardly, unkind, incredibly disrespectful and heartless. I don’t know what his deal is, but I do know enough that this guy is NOT good for you.
Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. I love that you got to feel all those wonderful feelings with him. However, that is NOT the part that makes a relationship work nor last. It is the worst part of someone that makes or breaks a relationship. How people treat each other in their worst, most painful moments, is what matters MORE than how strong the connection is. For example, you KNOW that you guys had fun together and everything was great. You also know he has the ability to ghost you and stop communicating. He has broken trust. So even if you do get back together, you aren’t going to trust him. His worst has damaged the connection, no matter how great the connection was. His worst, is a deal breaker. You CANNOT work through any argument or challenge with a guy who isn’t willing to communicate, be honest or show up as a partner when things get tough or uncomfortable. So even if you do get this guy back, he is going to do this to you again and again and again and again. It’s his coping mechanism. He either was playing a seriously horrible game with you – which means he is a SUPER MESSED UP person – or he is so afraid of telling you the truth or how he REALLY feels. Either way you look at this, it’s a deal breaker and he is not the kind of guy who can support any kind of healthy connection.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Is there a way you can run into him? Is there a way to show up at his house or after his work or something, so you can confront him in person?
Heidi
You are doing some great work Christina! Think of dating this way….your heart is the job. Your sacred, beautiful, sensitive heart that needs VERY SPECIAL care – this is the job that each guy sitting in front of you, is applying for. On a job interview, as the owner, you are looking for someone who has the RIGHT skills, to be able to care for your heart. What kind of qualities does a guy need to have, if you are going to hire him? And if you hire someone, it’s only on a trial basis, because you need to see them in action and how they care for YOUR heart. You obviously are on the same interview for their heart, so you want someone who values their heart JUST AS MUCH! Remember, someone cannot give you something they don’t have. If they don’t have self-respect, self-love and if they don’t KNOW they are a really good catch, then there is NO WAY they will ever view you that way. Now that’s not to say they won’t have their moments. I have a lot of self love and self esteem AND I definitely have my moments where all of that shatters and I can’t imagine anyone loving me. It’s just life, right? So you want to find someone and be someone who lives most of their time on the self-love side. There are A LOT of ways to observe this about someone.
So if you were interviewing someone for the job of taking care of your heart, what kinds of questions would you ask?
Heidi
Hi Christey,
Thank you for sharing a little more. It sounds like you have a lot of insecurity. Jealousy comes from not feeling like you are enough and lying comes from a lot of fear and not feeling confident or good about yourself. Does this resonate for you?
As far as your guy saying that the girl doesn’t mind him sleeping with you, isn’t it possible he is lying? You have never talked to her and your guy obviously wants what he wants, so it would be very easy for him to just lie about it. Even if he isn’t lying about it and the other girl doesn’t mind, the issue here is more about YOU and what feels okay for you.
If you are not happy with the situation, then you either set some standards and boundaries to create what you want – and he will either align with it or he won’t OR you keep doing what you are doing and let go of any need to have anything more with him than just sex.
If you want him back, then the jealousy and compulsive lying are things that sabotage connection. He is not going to want to step back into that kind of dynamic. Is this something you are willing to work on?
Heidi
Hi Melody! There is a lot to talk about here, so stay with me, as there are a lot of layers to all of it.
It’s just that the books mentioned stories of the guy wanting to end his relationship to wanting to commit for a lifetime so I believed if we try hard enough, we’d figure something out. I wish this were actually true. Sometimes “trying hard enough” does work – sometimes it doesn’t. Ultimately, when it comes to other people, the truth is…we are all quite powerless. You can “try” all you want, but that does not guarantee any specific result. That’s why love and romance is such a huge risk. I have seen couples that have been together for 20 years, all of a sudden fall apart. The divorce rate is over 50%. I’m sure at least 1 person in all of those relationships “tried hard enough” and it just wasn’t enough. What is really important to embrace here is: powerlessness. We are all powerless with how someone else behaves and how they live their life. We can try and inspire certain behaviors or feelings, but ultimately, the other person makes the decision for themselves – so you trying hard enough DOES NOT guarantee you can work anything out. So I’d like to invite you into not pushing this situation to turn out the way YOU want. I understand you have feelings for him AND it’s also important to pay attention to more than just that. If you step back and let things happen without influencing the direction, you will get a more clear picture and understanding of what lives between the both of you. Honestly, the level of confusion you are already having BEFORE anything has even developed – is something I would invite you to pay attention to. Relationships are hard enough as it is and you are already struggling and confused and nothing has even started yet. I know you believe that once it becomes clear and you both are on the same page, the struggle and confusion will resolve, but from my educated guess, I view it more as a sign of what is to come.
Am I perhaps the one giving mix signals as I guess that I am? I am naturally friendly to all my male friends incl. him in an effort to be fair & it seems some of them misunderstood from their reactions which got me quite upset (as they ghost or go cold for no reason). This is possible. There is no way to know unless you ask someone. You can always just be straight up and ask him directly and see what his perspective is. Who knows…either way, this guessing game you are trying to play is all conjecture and doesn’t get you anywhere and not based on any real information. Your mind is just left to fill in the blanks – and our mind loooooves to do that and call it real or truth. Stay away from this trap!
I know, my own wound / issue / trauma will play into things sometimes but no one is perfect or without issues. I just thought if we could try a relationship, then we could see how well we handled our worst as there will be no need to keep the distance that opposing gendered friends would. You ALREADY are seeing how he handles the worst. You don’t need to “be together” to see these things. How a person responds to stress is the same across the board. A person’s coping mechanism is developed in childhood and will stay with them for the rest of their lives. So…you are seeing that he is quite rejecting, he is uncomfortable, he stops communicating and he shuts down. He will do the same exact thing in a relationship.
I don’t see why we can’t grow together. There are A LOT of reasons why you guys can’t grow “together.” The number one reason being, if he is THAT wounded and emotionally immature OR socially dis-abled in some way – you are dealing with a guy who doesn’t have the capacity OR doesn’t have the desire to grow and heal in meaningful ways. If he is emotionally stunted, then this guy has a TON of work to do – with an expert – if he is ever going to be able to function well in a relationship. If he is disabled in some sort of way, he won’t have the capacity to do the deeper work. Do you know if he reads books to understand himself? Do you know if he has ever worked with a therapist? Do you know if he is even a guy that is interested in growth/healing/facing his fears and limitations?
I cannot self-actualize until I meet my 3rd Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (I’ve tried) & unfortunately not anyone can do (I’ve tried). Career or dreams are just too empty without someone there & I’m sure just as friends cannot replace parents, career cannot replace lovers (at least for me). I’m going to be a bit of a stickler on this one. For you to believe that you cannot self-actualize because you don’t have a partner, then there is a BIG misunderstanding about his theory. You basically are saying that without “love” and a romantic connection, you are limited in your growth. This simply is not true. I have self actualized a gazillion times over WITHOUT a romantic connection in my life. The “connection” happens within myself and I am fully empowered to create a wonderful life, with or without romance. Besides, Maslow’s theory, although a good foundation, is far from the whole picture and truth. It’s not a theory to take literally – it’s meant to be used as ONE perspective – as all theories are.
Looking forward to your response!
Heidi
Hi Christy,
I can’t guide you very well if I don’t have more context. Would you be willing to share more details?
Why did you guys break up?
Have you ever broken up before?
Has he ever cheated on you or vice versa?
Is he still involved in your daughter’s life?
Are you willing to stop having sex with him and set some standards for yourself?
Any thoughts on what Christine or I said?Anything you are willing to share will be really helpful.
Heidi
You’re flat sounds amazing! What a perfect location! I love that you get to walk everywhere and have the metro right by you. Your life is just going to get so much easier!!! And with a kitchen that you like, you will get to keep baking! You are closer to friends, you are close to activities, closer to your parents….it sounds quite perfect.
I love that you feel happy and are enjoying your life. It sounds like everything has fallen into place exactly as you need it to. Next, is the guy, right? It’ll happen when it’s meant to happen. Until then, you have plenty to do and plenty to enjoy.
I love your occasional updates, so keep me posted!!!
Heidi
Hey there! I just wanted to check in. I was hoping to keep talking, but maybe you feel complete. I would love an update and to hear how you are feeling and how things are going for you.
Heidi
Sheesh, it seems like Travis is having the same kind of experience you are. It’s so incredibly difficult when the “system” doesn’t allow you to do what needs to be done. Sooooooo many darn rules and regulations that cause a lot of problems for people. It will all work out eventually…for both of you…one way or the other. It’s just a matter of time – which seriously sucks! I’m sorry you guys have to go through this. Life is already hard enough and to add things like this on top of it, it just makes it really tough. I’m glad you have each other!
Your trip sounds so wonderful! How did it impact you? Do you feel different after your trip compared to before? Traveling and seeing different parts of the world can really touch the soul in a very special way. I’m wondering if you are feeling that.
Heidi
Holy smokes a lot has happened, hasn’t it???
l
I’m wondering, why are you not moving back into the place you own? Maybe someone is still living there? Have you found a place you really like?So interesting about that guy! I’m so glad you finally set some seriously strong boundaries with him. He needed to get his **it together! What’s up with that other guy??? He treats you like a queen for a few days and then disappears??? I’m glad you aren’t taking that too seriously and are just focusing on the pleasure of it.
Wow…as far as the mediation goes, it sounds like your boss is just not interested in taking responsibility. Yuk! I love your strength in accepting that it is what it is and you are just going to focus on doing your job well. She has no idea how lucky she is to have you!
Have you looked into other types of injections? Regenerative medicine is a fast growing field these days. The types of injections they are doing are keeping people out of the surgery room. There are many different types that ARE healing. Have you ever talked to your doctor about that? Stem cells? PRP?
All in all, it sounds like you are doing well and you are solid and you are living your life. You sound centered and grounded and clear. Do you feel happy?
Heidi
Of course it’s difficult to stay away from that spark. That kind of energy makes you feel so alive and amazing, right? The thing is, you aren’t finishing the “story.” Meaning…when you feel that spark and start to long for him, you are saying certain things to yourself that source that feeling and keep it going. Just a guess here, but things like “This feels so good, we are so good together, I miss him etc.” You are focusing on all the good stuff and then your mind loops back around to the beginning and keeps stuck on all the good stuff you are losing. Finishing the story means you say the WHOLE story, not just half the story. So lets say you are looping around “He makes me feel that spark and I feel so alive when I’m with him.” Finishing the story would be “He makes me feel that spark and I feel so alive when I’m with him AND he is not emotionally available, that spark will lead me into heartache eventually and I deserve a guy who is able to offer me 100% of himself – and this guy can’t do that.” So you are putting in the FULL truth into your mind, not just the partial truth that you want to pay attention to. Every time you go into la la fantasy land about how great it would be if you were together, remind yourself of the reality – he is not available. Not yet at least. Down the road, something might shift, who knows, but for RIGHT NOW – he is not good for anyone and he needs to stay focused on himself.
As far as your loveability and your abandonment programs, I like to use the analogy of a Monet painting. I don’t know if you have ever seen one in person, so it may not have the kind of impact I’m intending. Monet painting, when standing close to it, look incredibly scattered, discordant and confusing. Usually, you have no idea what you are actually looking at, except a bunch of dots of color. Then…as you take steps back, the painting starts to make sense. The shapes start to form and it all becomes organized and beautiful! We are like the same exact way. When we focus on the small, distinct parts of ourselves, our messiness, our darkness, our shadow, our limitations, our unloveable side – when that’s all we look at, then of course we are going to feel unloveable. But if you take a step back and look at the OTHER sides of you too – your beautiful heart, your fighting spirit, your generosity, your care, your ability to love despite all your traumas – the WHOLE picture – you are damn beautiful! So finish the story about yourself as well. You may say “I am not loveable AND I am caring and I matter to….” You have wonderful things about you right next to all the yucky stuff and they belong as a WHOLE picture, not just part of the picture. Just something to think about….let’s keep talking!!!!
Heidi
