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but there is indeed a prpblem to be solved: men pulling away after being so into me It’s incredibly difficult to truly know what is happening here without really dissecting your interactions with these men, what they felt and how you impacted them. Have you ever tried to ask one of them down the road? I’ve done that many times where I ask a guy that I dated about his thoughts about me and our connection etc – in an effort to just learn about myself. Have you ever tried asking a friend as well? Sometimes, friends will have insights that might give you some ideas about what is happening. If that is something you are not willing to do, then all you can do is just continue being yourself, learn, grow, release old baggage and keep living your life to the fullest. The bottom line is though, the guy disappearing is HIS issue, not yours. `The bottom line is, the guy is SHOWING YOU very clearly that he is NOT the kind of guy that has the ability to sustain an authentic, honest relationship. A guy who ghosts and runs away from being honest with you, is NOT YOUR GUY!!! Yes, there MAY be something you are doing that is causing all of these guys to lose interest AND as it turns out, every single one of those guys didn’t have the ability to just be honest and straight up with you….so are you really missing anything anyways? I don’t care what you are doing or how you might be unknowingly sabotaging the connection, it doesn’t change that the guy disappears – something that is incredibly disrespectful, childish and uncaring. So I view this as….you are being rescued and saved from a lot of heartache by the guy showing his true colors in the beginning.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a mate or husband, and I have a lot to offer. Of course there is nothing wrong with wanting this! HOWEVER…you have this belief that you can become the woman you are supposed to be as long as you have a man – which is saying that you are not complete without a man – which in essence, is putting your happiness, your power, your heart in the hands of someone else. That’s the part I’m encouraging you to really look at.
I read Why Men Shut Women Out and was surprised that the reasons are that they are hurt. I need to discover how I am hurting men and change my behavior so this stops happening. This is a blanket statement and not true for every single man. Yes, some men are hurt, some men are fearful, some men are manipulating, some men are already taken – there are MANY reasons why men shut women out. Honestly, why does it matter? If a man shuts down and doesn’t use his voice to talk about what he needs or wants, then what kind of partner is he going to be anyways?
You are trying to use this HI material to fix yourself so that you can finally get the attention of a man long-term. What if you just kept focusing on yourself and did not worry about trying to “fix” yourself so a guy doesn’t run away? If a guy’s coping mechanism is to run, that is IN HIM and has NOTHING to do with you. You could be absolutely perfect and amazing and it is NOT going to change the coping mechanism of running away. Our coping mechanisms are part of our personalities and they never change. They can improve over time with a lot of work, but they never change. It’s just how we are made – so does it make a little more sense now that it’s actually not YOU that is the issue…it’s HIM!
Heidi
Hi Jadene,
I’ll be very clear. Yes, the HI material can work with men who have pulled away. I’ve seen it work many times. I’ve also seen it NOT work many times. It all depends on the unique dynamics of the situation – the people involved, the issues influencing the men to pull away, the level of trust and safety that existed in a connection before he pulled away and sooooo much more!
The thing about the HI material or any other tool used to get a guy to connect, is that 99% of the time that women want to use this stuff, is when they are in pain – so they are wanting to do anything they can to get the guy back to relieve the pain…which really is just a bandaid and not really addressing the root of the pain or really looking at the connection on a deeper level. Pain sooooo easily activates this feeling of desperation – and the bandaid way to fix the pain is by getting the guy back. That never solves anything and whatever issues that were there to begin with when the guy disappears, always comes back, so nothing ever really gets “solved” by using methods to get the guy to connect again.
So that’s why us coaches like to go deeper into the problem and really dissect what’s happening. Working with the core issues, if the person is willing, is always much more powerful.
Hopefully this answered your question more clearly. Was this helpful or would you like more explanation?
Heidi
Good job! You are very persistent and figuring it out…piece by piece. I know it’s not easy and of course being grumpy is part of something like this. I’m so glad you are over the hump and have figured it out!!!! And you got to talk to the cute mailroom guy and got his help. Bonus! 🙂
Leaf peeping was a disappointment. I didn’t go high enough in altitude, so the leaves were barely changing. This weekend though. I did more research and found some great places to adventure. The ballet was also okay. It was a local company – and to be honest, I’ve only been to shows with the highest caliber of dancers. So this show, although they were very good dancers, it just wasn’t as smooth, synchronized, emotive or jaw dropping as I’m used to. I’m spoiled I suppose. Regardless, it was a pleasant time with my friend and it was entertaining enough to feel like it was worth it.
Thanks for asking!
Heidi
Hi Emma,
Thank you for the update. It sounds like this is a good plan. You cannot keep pretending that you are okay and I’m really proud of you that you finally spoke up. Although there is no clarity of direction, at least for the next 3 weeks, you won’t have to deal with daily rejection and hurt. Your heart will get to rest a bit while trying to process how you want to move forward. I’m so sorry it has come to this. I know you have done everything you possibly can and have been incredibly supportive of what he needs – and I know you still not been able to create a connection with him. Now it’s time to head in a different direction. I’m glad you are getting some space to pay attention to only YOUR needs and he gets to do the same.
Keep me updated and let’s keep talking about how you feel and what comes up for you during these next few weeks.
Heidi
Hi Jadene,
Thank you for your thoughts. I want to take this opportunity to go a bit deeper than this material.
Let’s talk about what you said here: become the woman I’m supposed to be, loved and married to a devoted husband. I know you want this. I think most people want a forever kind of experience. The thing is, it’s not guaranteed for any of us. Love is a risk. You may get married, but then one day, one of you starts to feel differently and eventually divorce shows up. No one wants this, of course, but relationships can change in a hot second and before you know it, your entire world has changed. So I want to encourage you to shift your thinking….you can become the FULL potential of who you are, WITHOUT a man to share the rest of your life with.
Yes, men pull away quite a bit. The bottom line is though, no matter their reasons, in those moments we all have a choice – as the man pulls away and stops choosing us, are we going to choose ourselves? The deeper, core issue here is that when a man disappears, women don’t have the skillset to love and choose themselves in the middle of that loss. They ask “what’s wrong with me, what did I do? I don’t understand what I did wrong!!!” Instead, we need to be saying “I am loveable whether he thinks so or not. I am worth choosing and fighting for, even if he doesn’t feel that way. I did the very best that I know how and that’s enough – I deserve to be loved in my best and worst and even if I messed up somehow, I want a partner who is able to stick with me through my limitations.” Relationship, at it’s very core, exposes our relationship with our SELF. The other person is just a player in our life that shows us all kinds of things about how we feel about our life, our self, our programs, our beliefs, our stuckness, our greatness etc. So when someone doesn’t choose us or when someone disappears, the most important thing is to choose ourselves – and THEN that allows us to learn and grow from a place of love instead of a place of lack and scarcity.
From how you are talking, I get a sense that there is this belief that once you find that “love” then you will finally feel that peace and happiness and you are trying to learn as much as you can to be able to get to experience that kind of love you have imagined. This is very normal, considering where you have come from. It’s incredibly challenging and difficult when you grow up not only without love, but constant rejection in some form or another. It’s awful and I’m so sorry you have had to endure this. I understand your craving for love. It’s natural. I want to encourage you to strengthen your self love. How do you feel you could improve this area of your life? Do you have friends you feel safe with? Do you have any animals?
Heidi
Hi Jadene,
Welcome! We are delighted you are here sharing your situation with us. First, I understand why you are confused. He is sending some mixed signals, so you are not sure what signals to believe. I know how confusing it is and I know you want a deeper understanding. I understand you want to pull him towards you, but let’s talk about that a bit.
This guy sounds like he is not sure what he wants. He seems confused. This, in and of itself is a bit of a red flag here. It’s not your job to help him become more clear about you. Don’t you want a guy who is INSTANTLY inspired by you and has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to get to know you? Don’t you want a guy who has an uninhibited YES when it comes to you? This guy seems confused about his own life and what he needs and wants. He also played with 3 of you and not being clear about what was happening. RED FLAG!!!! Nobody is perfect of course, but they are big enough caution flags that need to be causing you to be even more discerning.
So I’m wondering, what makes you want to fight for a guy who is confused and misled the 3 of you. Those are pretty strong non-starters. You are already having to use techniques and tricks to get him to connect with you. Do you REALLY want to work THAT hard to get a guy’s attention?
You said you were diagnosed with PTSD. Are you working with anyone to help you through whatever has happened? Many times, PTSD can cause us to have feelings for someone that is not emotionally available, therefore causing more stress and challenge. Just something to consider and think about.
Heidi
I know it feels like you have “lost” and although that’s true in the sense that you didn’t get what you wanted, you also have soooooo much to gain from this experience. You have this idea that he was the only and best match for you, but what we see and feel is NEVER the full story or picture. It’s ALWAYS just a tiny piece of the puzzle of life. There is no reason why another man might come along and completely sweep you off your feet. Life is FULL of surprises and there are many more waiting for you.
Your goal now, is to heal. Your goal is to find your joy and peace all on your own, so you don’t have to rely on someone else to make you happy. Once you are able to source yourself, love yourself, value yourself, then whether a guy comes along or not, you feel happy in your life. This is the ultimate way of living AND it takes time. It’s a process.
What do you feel or think about this?
Heidi
the greatest gift of extreme challenges is that it is an opportunity to strengthen our faith, right? “Let go and let God.” That’s so incredibly difficult, isn’t it. I’m glad you are reminding yourself of how you have made it this far and you can keep making it! Who the heck knows how that’s going to happen, but it will. You are not alone!
No clue about the ballet. They were tickets given to me in exchange for an Akashic Reading I did, so I’ll let you know how it goes. Either way, I’m excited. I LOVE any form of dance and it will be good to get out and do something different. And yes, leaf peeping is about going to see all the fall colors. It’s a funny name, isn’t it? I cracked up the first time I heard of it.
Heidi
I think those selfish and arrogant attitudes exist everywhere. It’s part of human nature and I have no doubt it all gets expressed in different ways, depending on the environment and culture. It’s sooooo so sad and hard to be a witness to.
I’m glad you are taking it easy. You have been through a lot of stress, so relaxing and having some fun is a good idea! Geneva is definitely something to look forward to for sure!!!
I am going to a contemporary ballet this evening and I’m heading up into the mountains to go leaf peeping! I”m excited about this weekend!
Heidi
You can’t just stop lying. If it’s compulsive for you, then there is a deeper issue influencing why you are lying so much. You can try and stop it all you want, and you may be successful at first, but the pattern will come back. And so will your jealousy. So let’s talk about why these 2 things are part of your life. Do you understand why you lie so much and why you are jealous?
If you stop having sex with him, there is a risk you will lose him completely. Is that something you are willing to do? That is ALWAYS the risk we take when we set standards and boundaries – the other person may not like it and choose to completely disconnect. However, setting standards and boundaries for yourself is really important. It’s a loving and protective choice for yourself.
Heidi
Do you understand your behaviors? How are you going to “work on them.”
What boundaries are you willing to set with him?
Heidi
I am realizing, though, how selfish, arrogant and spoiled many people in the US and Canada are. This is interesting. How so? I understand the spoiled thing when you explained about Walmart, but what about selfish and arrogant? How are you seeing those differences?
Gosh, it seems like it’s just one thing after another. I really hope you are able to work all of this out. It’s unfortunate you are having to experience all of how messed up so many systems are.
Heidi
Oh wow Jinu! I am soooooo so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s awful. It’s heartbreaking and completely confusing. Unfortunately, this is not an unusual occurrence with online dating. Many people dating online, are actually not available. Many of them or already in serious relationships or some version of being attached or just wanting to play games. They come on VERY strong in the beginning, know EXACTLY what to say to get what they want and then they get what they want…and then completely disappear. It is so incredibly sad the kind of games people are playing out there. A survey I came across about a year ago said that 51% of the people on Tinder were in serious relationships. What???? Many of them were interviewed and I was shocked at how many just wanted to know “they still had it” and they just wanted “attention” etc. So they go online and play all these games with unassuming people that are trusting what they are saying.
I cannot, in good conscious, guide you into getting this guy back. He is AWFUL in how he is treating you. To play with your heart like that and completely disappear…it is exactly as Christina has said…cowardly, unkind, incredibly disrespectful and heartless. I don’t know what his deal is, but I do know enough that this guy is NOT good for you.
Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. I love that you got to feel all those wonderful feelings with him. However, that is NOT the part that makes a relationship work nor last. It is the worst part of someone that makes or breaks a relationship. How people treat each other in their worst, most painful moments, is what matters MORE than how strong the connection is. For example, you KNOW that you guys had fun together and everything was great. You also know he has the ability to ghost you and stop communicating. He has broken trust. So even if you do get back together, you aren’t going to trust him. His worst has damaged the connection, no matter how great the connection was. His worst, is a deal breaker. You CANNOT work through any argument or challenge with a guy who isn’t willing to communicate, be honest or show up as a partner when things get tough or uncomfortable. So even if you do get this guy back, he is going to do this to you again and again and again and again. It’s his coping mechanism. He either was playing a seriously horrible game with you – which means he is a SUPER MESSED UP person – or he is so afraid of telling you the truth or how he REALLY feels. Either way you look at this, it’s a deal breaker and he is not the kind of guy who can support any kind of healthy connection.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Is there a way you can run into him? Is there a way to show up at his house or after his work or something, so you can confront him in person?
Heidi
You are doing some great work Christina! Think of dating this way….your heart is the job. Your sacred, beautiful, sensitive heart that needs VERY SPECIAL care – this is the job that each guy sitting in front of you, is applying for. On a job interview, as the owner, you are looking for someone who has the RIGHT skills, to be able to care for your heart. What kind of qualities does a guy need to have, if you are going to hire him? And if you hire someone, it’s only on a trial basis, because you need to see them in action and how they care for YOUR heart. You obviously are on the same interview for their heart, so you want someone who values their heart JUST AS MUCH! Remember, someone cannot give you something they don’t have. If they don’t have self-respect, self-love and if they don’t KNOW they are a really good catch, then there is NO WAY they will ever view you that way. Now that’s not to say they won’t have their moments. I have a lot of self love and self esteem AND I definitely have my moments where all of that shatters and I can’t imagine anyone loving me. It’s just life, right? So you want to find someone and be someone who lives most of their time on the self-love side. There are A LOT of ways to observe this about someone.
So if you were interviewing someone for the job of taking care of your heart, what kinds of questions would you ask?
Heidi
