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Wow! What a beautiful picture you created for me about the adventurous coot. He would be an amazing character in a children’s book, right? Have you ever thought of doing something like that? Creating a children’s book with the real pictures that you take? You definitely love to tell stories and it’s a great platform!
I hope you enjoyed your massage and that your neck is feeling better. I’m sure all the stress of being there is hard on your body in many, many ways.
Still nothing on the horizon for a job? Wow! So many things that are unpredictable these days. March couldn’t come soon enough, right? But if you have nothing to come back to, then that’s not very fun either. One day at a time though. March is so close, but far away and so much can happen between now and then.
We are heading into holiday season now. I know they don’t do thanksgiving, but do they do Halloween at all? Are you seeing any Christmas lights yet? I’ve already put up my Christmas tree and decorated my patio with some of my lights. It makes me sooooooo happy!!! It’s such a beautiful time of year.
I probably should have asked him to stop touching me and explain I wasn’t comfortable with it What stopped you from speaking up and protecting yourself from his advances?
Oh No! There really is a lot of rain isn’t there? That really puts a damper on so many things. Are you still going to go? That airport sounds awful! Regardless, you really are developing some serious skills, having to learn how to navigate all this travel. It’s really impressive!!!
That’s interesting about your boss. So if you got to work from home (calgary), you would still work for him?
I’m assuming there are no other job opportunities or you would be mentioning that. When is the contract officially complete? March 2024? Or somewhere around there if I remember correctly, which I’m probably not.
I hope you are able to find a way to feel better!
Heidi
It’s my responsibility and I’m willing to pay the price in case I made mistake even trying things to work between us. I just want to be clear that I’m not saying to not do this. I’m suggesting to slow down your heart and your thinking. Opening your heart fully and completely and loving and committing everything you have towards a person you have never met is not protecting your heart very well. You say you don’t care and you want to risk it, but you WILL care when things don’t turn out the way you want. You WILL care if you have to recover from serious heartbreak. Just slow down and really keep your eyes open. A guy needs to EARN the right of your heart and although you feel he has done that so far, how he is treating you is quite childish and very unkind. Like I said before, BIG RED FLAG here. He is not working WITH you, he is instead hurting you and not caring that he is hurting. That’s one of the greatest problems of LDRs. A person can disappear and not have to face the challenges and the partner is just left to deal with the disappearance. It doesn’t matter if he is checking on you behind the scenes. He is not in relationship with your friends, he is in relationship with YOU and needs to be showing up as your PARTNER. Like I said, if he is doing this now, he will do it again.
I know there are so many great things about him or you wouldn’t love him. And I know you want all of those amazing things back. A relationship actually works and is long lasting based on how a couple treats each other in their worst, most challenging moments. Do they treat each other with respect? Do they work TOGETHER towards a common goal of resolution? Or do they disappear, stop communicating or get aggressive? It’s not the best parts of each other that makes a relationship, it’s the worst parts. Studies have shown this over and over and over. How a couple treats each other in the worst moments is what will make or break the success of the relationship.
So as amazing as he is, it’s important for you to ALSO understand that he isn’t. He is abandoning you. He is not communicating, he is not being direct, he is not being authentic and he is leaving you quite confused, all the while asking your friends about you. This IS part of him too. Is this something you are willing to love about him? Is this the kind of behavior you are willing to deal with forever? If he never changed this part and he acted like this every time he got upset enough about something, is this something you can accept about him and not expect him to change?
Let’s talk about this “needy” part that his friends see about you. Is there any truth to it? How were you needy? I’m guessing this is also part of the same energy that causes you to apologize so much. Where does this come from? Do you know why you are like this?
P.S Since we broke up my Ex sent a lot of quote that seemed related to me but maybe I’m tripping, things like “I prefer to have to have my nightmare with open eyes. Blinded by vanity yet able to secretly see what lies beyond the shadow and soul”
It’s probably not very healthy to stalk him like that..l which I’m working on it and it’s actually better than the beginning, I was crying every time I was stalking him on social media for some reason. How about you delete social media off of your phone and computer? What you are doing is NOT healthy for you. You are naturally going to turn everything he says into a story that your mind will make up – hence a lot of crying and always wondering if what he is writing is directed towards you. Give yourself a break and let yourself heal. Step away and give YOURSELF a break from the stalking. It’s natural to want to know what he is doing and saying on SM, but it’s causing you harm. I know you are getting “better” by not crying every time you look, but you are still stalking him and you are still creating stories about what he is writing and it’s all hurtful for you – crying or not. Is this something you are willing to do? Try it for a week? Try it for a day? Help yourself. Love yourself enough to not keep putting yourself in more pain than you already are.Keep giving him space, don’t post anything on social media about anything and stay away for a bit and set some standards for yourself as to how you want to be treated.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Okay then, it sounds like you are both clear on how to move forward. There must be some relief in that for you, yes?
No more confusing sex, no more wondering what each other is thinking and leaving the door open to meeting other people. Do you feel good about this?Heidi
Hi Anna,
Thank you for sharing all that you did. It’s ALL helpful, so please don’t feel like you have to apologize. Everything you write helps us to get to know you and your situation better.
So if I am to understand correctly, you actually have never met in person, correct?
I know how devastating this is. You feel like you have lost him and there is nothing you can do about it. LDRs are INCREDIBLY challenging for any couple, but then to add on top of that never having met, it just makes things incredibly shakey and unstable.
I still don’t have a clear understanding about why you guys broke up. It sounds like he is having reactions about things he actually has very little information about. His friends obviously had a great influence on him, but I still don’t really understand why there was an argument in the first place. Why did they think you were manipulative?
I do want to say that the whole social media “passive-aggressive” kind of posting needs to stop. Neither of you should be posting things to or about each other…ever. Social media is NOT a platform to communicate to your partner. I know you were hurting and I understand it was a way to accomplish something, but anything you say can be interpreted in different ways and have an effect that you didn’t intend on…which you are learning. Hopefully the lesson is learned!
There are a lot of red flags here. One being that he just doesn’t seem clear about what he wants and he seems to be quite pushy and aggressive. Why would he get upset that you got sick? I know you said it was a trigger for him, but that’s HIS issue, but somehow there was an argument about that. Why? He also asked for an unknown amount of space and got angry that you reached out and asked for clarification, already having given him PLENTY of space. Why? He seems quite pushy and you seem quite amendable. Where are YOUR boundaries? Where are YOUR needs being honored and listened to, by him? Brazilians tend to be quite strong personalities full of a TON of energy, which is just part of who they are, however it does not mean YOU need to give into that. They actually will have more respect for someone who stands up to them and doesn’t cower to their inflated responses to a situation. My guess is, you are VERY used to apologizing and trying to keep the peace with him, yes? I say this because you apologized a few times already in this post when there was no reason to apologize. That usually indicates someone who overuses apologies. This typically indicates co-dependency – meeting the needs of others at the expense of their own.
The entire flavor of how you explain things is all about getting him back and apologizing for EVERYTHING that makes him upset instead of holding him accountable to his own reactions and requiring more from him. It is NOT appropriate nor okay to say “I need space” and then disappear for who knows how long without any explanation or care about how that affects their partner. That is NOT a partner/team kind of decision. NO ONE would accept that nor feel okay about being treated that way, yet you backed down and allowed him to treat you this way.
He is giving you quite the insight to how he handles stress as well. When it’s stressful enough, regardless of his words or promises to always talk through things, he didn’t follow through on that. He didn’t do what he said he would do – he disappeared and then got angry with you when you asked for clarification. That is NOT someone who is caring about how he effects you. THat is someone who is just doing what they want, regardless of your feelings. That is NOT a partner. If he is doing this now, he is going to do it again and again and again and again and each time he does this, you are teaching him that you will deal with it and accept it. All of this has happened and you guys haven’t even met yet. Yikes!
This is risky business for sure! I dated a guy in college on and off for 3 years and I haven’t seen him since…until 2 months ago. For an entire year, he kept coming in and out of my life – he lived in a different state so it was a bit difficult to maneuver, but we did what you are doing…phone calls, VC calls and planned a few different visits that ended up not working out. The entire year, there were fireworks and we were having a lot of fun! Then we met for the first time after 25 years, about 2 months ago. I was shocked at how unattracted I was to him. Why? We spent 24 hours together and I saw how he FELT to me in person. He felt completely different than he did over those calls and texts. I left telling him we weren’t a match. I KNEW this guy VERY WELL from college and we had a lot of history together so I trusted our “virtual” connection. I learned NEVER to trust it. It’s NEVER the full picture of someone. It’s NEVER the full story about a person. It’s NEVER a clear, whole story about a person. All it is are bits and pieces of a person in a moment and that’s it.
I know you feel like you love him, but you guys BARELY know each other. I know trying to pull back the reins and slow things down is not what you want to do. I know you just want him back and I know you want to keep loving him. There is already some pretty big red flags/dysfunction in this relationship and that’s not even in person. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I do want to encourage you to really slow down. You are soooooooo young and still have a lot to learn about love and relationships.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I imagine you are struggling health wise because you are drinking different water, eating different food with different organisms and you are stressed beyond stressed with your job. You are breathing different air, around different germs….your body is dealing with soooooo much!
Try drinking 32 oz of lemon or lime water right when you wake up. If you like honey, feel free to put LOCAL and RAW honey in it. 1/2 lemon or full lime per 32 ounces. This will help strengthen your immune system. These also help to kill bacteria in the water, so put as much lemon in your water all day long. Are you drinking enough water? You should be drinking around 1/2 your body weight in ounces of water per day. Are you taking vitamin C and zinc? Those are incredibly important to help support your immune system. Vimergy is an AMAZING brand. It’s clean and has nothing added to it that isn’t on the label (Most supplement companies add things that don’t have to be on the label)
Eat as many fruit and vegetables as you can. Maybe try making some smoothies??Just some things to think about. Hope this helps.
Your trip sounds like it was really fun except for that creepy guy! YUUUUUUKKKK! However, this is a good lesson, right? What would you have done differently to better protect yourself, looking back at it?
Heidi
Hi Jadene,
I wanted to address this particular part of your thought process.
I find myself wondering hopelessly whether a woman neglected by her father can ever change and if so how? This is not an unusual thought, as it can absolutely feel quite hopeless sometimes. I want to encourage you. Yes, it’s absolutely possible. I don’t believe that pain would exist without the possibility of healing. I grew up with a father who went far beyond neglecting me. He was a narcissist and abuser on the worst levels. I began my dating life with the pattern of only being attracted to the emotionally unavailable type – the ones that I had to chase to get attention. The nice guys, and I met plenty, I had the pattern of only being attracted to them for a maximum of 2 weeks. This went on for years and it frustrated me to no end because I knew exactly what I was doing, but couldn’t figure out how to shift this pattern within myself. I did it.How? Well, there is no one way to go about it, but the basic premise is that if you want to shift, you need to heal the wounds that are still very alive in you. Having a neglectful father means there are a lot of lies you believe about yourself, about love, about men that live within your psyche. You first have to understand that whenever there is trauma, it’s stored in the brain in state specific form. This means that moment, those thoughts, those feelings, those smells, every single detail gets stored in the brain AT THE AGE and mindset you are in that moment. So if there was a traumatic moment at 2 years old, everything you think, feel, believe about that moment gets stored with a 2 year old mentality. You know how you see grown adults arguing and yelling or being passive aggressive? It’s their little child acting out taking control – that little child that is carrying all unprocessed emotions from the past. Really long story short, that child energy keeps growing and growing and growing each time there is a traumatic event – and what qualifies as trauma? It’s different for each individual. So basically, when there is a lot of repetition of abandonment, rejection, neglect, abuse or whatever…there are a TON of lies, feelings, stories, beliefs, programs that get stored into the subconscious and end up completely running our lives – of which most people are not aware of. You know it’s little girl energy when you keep choosing something you know is not good for you. My guess is, these guys you keep picking start out okay, but then you discover they have their limitations, yet you keep trying to make it work. Yes? That is your little girl energy trying to get the attention of “daddy.” That is the little girl that is holding those feelings of abuse and carry many stories like “If I could only just get this guy who doesn’t want me, to finally want me…then I finally will be loveable. I finally will be worthy of love. I finally will be loved.”
Does this make sense? Does this help you understand what is happening?
It’s not that you are attracting any of these guys on purpose. All we can ever do is just go day by and day and make decisions according to the information we have. So what would shift is that WHEN you discover that a guy is not available, you walk away instead of staying in it trying to make it work. YOU choose yourself instead of trying to get the guy to choose you (who represents your father). Also, as you become more and more aware of yourself and much more familiar with the subconscious signs a guy throws out from the moment you meet, you can walk away MUCH faster.
This is where healing comes in. I KNEW what I was doing and why, but it didn’t change the pattern and the level of attraction I had. That’s because I hadn’t done enough healing yet. Healing, in simple terms, is connecting with your little girl thinking/energy, identifying the lies, the programs, the beliefs and the stories and releasing them. Once you release them, then you fill yourself up with the truth and essentially help that part of you integrate into being an adult…meaning that young part is now connected to the truth and can “grow up” so to speak. How to do that is up to you. There are MANY pathways and methods of healing and I’ve tried a gazillion of them. LOL. I still keep trying on different things to see what helps me shift. My coach however, is the only one who is really able to help me shift the BIG stuff. What’s important to understand is that you will be triggerable for the rest of your life. THat’s just normal and it’s just part of being human. What changes as you heal though, is you become much less triggerable AND when you do get triggered, you are able to heal much faster, because there is a lot less gunk to get through. I hundreds of hours in a specialized type of therapy trying to undo all the damage. I needed it. But now, I only need it every once in a while. I have come a loooooong ways. I absolutely have ZERO attraction to the unavailable guy and I am able to stick to my standards much more strongly. The people I am surrounded by are very high functioning. I have an incredibly peaceful and fulfilling life. I’ve had to work very hard for it, but now that I have it, I protect it with everything I have. I would much rather be alone, single or whatever than to spend anymore of my energy trying to get attention from limited people. I love myself now instead of trying to get someone else to love me.
I love this poem that explains the process of learning. It’s called the 5 chapter book:
Chapter 1: You’re walking down the street and fall in the hole.
Chapter 2: You’re walking down the street, see the hole and fall in anyways.
Chapter 3: You’re walking down the street, see the hole and walk around it.
Chapter 4: You cross the street.
Chapter 5: You don’t walk down the street at all.People get stuck the most in chapter 2. They see the hole – the issue, the problem, the addiction..whatever it is – and they do it anyways. What keeps people here, in the most basic and core way – is they are not in enough pain yet to do anything to shift the pattern of why the hole is there in the first place.
I have been on chapter 5 with the “dating emotionally unavailable guys” pattern for a good 10 years now. It’s wonderful!
I hope this gives you some hope and at the very least, some basic understanding about the pattern and how your father has contributed to it.
Let me know any questions you might have.
Heidi
i was feeling rather down. I wondered who i’d want to take care of me if i was sick like my aunt, Thank you for your kind words about my medical challenges. So far, no more surgeries are needed. There is potential, but I’m hoping it’s all complete. I understand your fear about surgery! I was exactly the same way. For 6 months I tried all kinds of natural methods and went into massive research mode trying to find every possible way to avoid the first surgery. It was interesting because I just said in my heart…Okay God…surgery feels like a “no” to me so let me know when it’s time to switch sides. Then one day…there just was a feeling of peace and clarity that showed up about having the surgery. The “no” when away. So then began the adventure – of course not knowing I had 4 other surgeries in the lineup. LOL. Oh well. I understand the feeling of “Who would take care of me?” What I’ve really learned is that people tend to show up in ways you wouldn’t expect. I could not believe how well taken care of I was. Most of my clients brought me food, walked my dog, donated money to help pay for my bills because I wasn’t able to work, people showed up to go on short walks with me, it was amazing! I was shocked. And I was also shocked how I felt open to all of it. I am incredibly independent and private. All the people that showed up and helped, were people I never wanted to “hang out” with nor wanted them to know more intimate details. My heart opened. I was vulnerable and I needed help and instead of resisting and “doing it all myself” I allowed myself to ENJOY receiving to the level that people gave. I am a much softer person after this past year. I even have a new best friend, who was one of the nurses who cared for me when I was in the PAC U for several days. What a gift! Basically, what I am saying is should you ever get into a situation where you need help like your aunt or like me, you will be provided for in ways you can’t even imagine.
Emotional dependence and support is also a whole other ball game – i am picky about who i seek out support from. Yes! As you should be. I wish people were more discerning about who they allow into their lives. Most people just allow their feelings to guide them without having awareness of what they are actually inviting into their lives. To be dependent on someone, there needs to be safety and trust and that takes time and experience to build.
But in order to be free to choose, one has to be FREE. If i am incapable of taking care of myself, i don’t have a choice about being dependent on someone – or someTHING – like the government! This is why i am focused on becoming free. I am open to being surprised by love. But i can’t sit around waiting for it, right? Okay…I get what you are saying. I understand your path and desire to be “free” and I understand that you are still open to love as well. I thought you were closed to love until you were free. I’m glad to know I misunderstood.
If i can’t enjoy my own body and life on my own, i’ll never be able to enjoy it with someone else! That’s how it seems to me Yes! I understand this feeling now. After all of these surgeries (1/2 my thyroid came out) I gained about 50 pounds. For the first time in my life, I can’t fit into my clothes. I mean I’ve fluctuated about 20 lbs, but this is a whole different ball game. It’s been quite the powerless feeling not being able to stop what was happening and trying to figure out how to help my body adjust to 1/2 a thyroid. All these feelings came up for me not wanting to date, not wanting to do anything except wear sweats and stay inside. Weight absolutely has an impact on how loveable a person feels. You are correct in wanting to enjoy your own body and if you can’t do that for yourself, you can’t do it with someone else. It’s been something I’ve been working with a lot over the past year.
So nice to talk with you!
Heidi
In my experience, people who all of a sudden lose interest – without any major or valid reason – are blocked due to their own baggage/woundedness – something you can do nothing about, and nor would you want to. I know he has his reasons in his head and I know you think it was because of the social drama with the laundry trip, but those are not truly valid reasons to disconnect from someone. It may feel like that in his mind, IF those are the reasons, but there are plenty of guys who wouldn’t lose feelings for you because of those reasons.
I doubt he even understands what is happening either. Most people have NO clue how much their subconscious influences what they are feeling. I remember beginning in high school when I really started to date, I would like a “nice” guy for 2 weeks, yet I would hold onto dear life to the “bad boy” type. I eventually noticed this pattern after happening enough times which then caused me to start questioning myself and what was influencing me. Each time, there was NOTHING that a nice guy did to truly cause me to lose feeling. The trigger was, they were nice. I learned that I could only take that nice guy treatment for a couple of weeks before I completely became disinterested. I learned that the bad boys were entertaining and engaging and completely frustrating for me – and of course, rejecting sometimes and embracing other times – always unpredictable. I have a mother who is a therapist so she was teaching me along the way about my subconscious patterning and the dynamics that were happening. My point is, him losing his feelings is most likely coming from a much deeper, subconscious place that he is not connected to nor understands. Yes, he has his surface reasons as to why he lost interest, but I doubt those are the core reasons. People mostly live their lives following their feelings without really questioning where their feelings are coming from. When it comes to love and romance and intimacy, many times those feelings are sourced by a very wounded, fearful part of them.
So it sounds like it’s probably best to stay friends and REALLY get to know him and really observe him. Being friends is a great space that allows you to be much more discerning and cautious with your heart.
Heidi
what a twisted selfish feeling! lol 🙂 I suppose i’m in love with all the good effects that JB is having on me! lol 🙂 It is twisted isn’t it? But if you really think about it, that’s true about everything. Even the purest act of kindness comes about because the person wants to feel good! If it felt “bad” or even felt like “nothing” to do a kind act, people wouldn’t do it! We are always seeking ways to feel good!
And in order for me to go ALL IN, i have to have ALL of myself. Right now, my kids still need some me. I also find my financial situation to be a bit of an anchor. I need to be making a LOT MORE money than i’m making right now, so i don’t have to depend on some random entity for my financial security. Either that, or i have to figure out how to not need any money at all! 🙂 This thought process has a similar energy to it than “I’ll finally be ready once I lose all my weight or I will be ready for a relationship once I have __________ figured out. I like to encourage people NOT to think this way. It’s creating a limitation and condition for you to be “ready” and the truth is, love will show up whenever it shows up, regardless of your financial status or any other status for that matter. It’s different if you JUST got divorced or you JUST lost someone you love. Those kinds of things require time to heal. Financial status is one of those things that does not qualify you to have love or not. It reminds me of that parable – I’m soooo going to butcher this – but it’s something like a person keeps praying to God for help and 3 different times, help was offered but it wasn’t in the form the person was thinking so he didn’t take the help. Then God told him “I tried to send you help but you kept saying no!” Do you know this story??? I can’t remember the details obviously…just the concept. It feels like this idea you have about becoming more financially abundant has to show up in some sort of way – when you could end up meeting a billionaire and then you don’t have to worry about. Why can’t love be the source of your financial stability?
It’s my dependence on others and others’ dependence on me that I want to leave behind. What’s wrong with being dependent? I’m wondering what this means to you. I’m 48 and still depend on my mom for a lot of things – and vice versa. We are both fully capable of taking care of ourselves, but we still CHOOSE to need each other – because we are a team in this life. Maybe I am misunderstanding what you are saying. Your kids will ALWAYS need their mother emotionally, spiritually, energetically and maybe even physically. I had 5 surgeries this past year and had to depend on my mom to come help me every single evening. I suppose I am incredibly grateful that I get to depend on my amazing mother to be with me through this life.
i need to be my own insurance so nobody else can dictate where I spend my money! It’s a lot riskier to live your own way, but SO MUCH less frustrating, because you don’t have to deal with anybody else’s rules. This is the kind of nonsense that I want to leave behind! I get it. It’s your sovereignty. Wouldn’t you say it’s possible to be sovereign in a relationship, even if your partner is providing you with the money? What if you were with the kind of guy who just gave freely to you…no strings attached, no questions, no nothing about how you spend your money. Is that not possible?
Heidi
He’s obviously into me and attracted to me physically, intellectually, and sexually, but he said he isn’t feeling emotional connection/romantic feelings anymore towards me like he was at first. I’m a little confused. How is he attracted to you on all those levels but then doesn’t have romantic feelings for you? Do you mean that he is good with a FWB type of situation and doesn’t really see you as a long term partner? It doesn’t sound like he is connected sexually to YOU in particular and that he easily falls into a pattern of reaching the “goal” and not thinking much about the process.
question about this is what is the frequency and what sorts of favors would I ask this particular guy The frequency varies according to the kind of connection you have. Being that he is more of a friend, asking these kinds of favors every once in a while is better. The smaller favors are not that impactful/time consuming nor threatening. So you can ask for the small favors more frequently, like a few times per month – and see what his response is. Going out on a 4 wheeler excursion is great! He already offered and it’s something that is fun for him as well. You can phrase it something like “Hey…you once offered this adventure. I’ve really been wanting to go see more of this area and you would be the perfect person to show me things I know I would probably miss. Are you up for that tour soon? The firepit and bobcat thing are BIG requests. Maybe pick one? I would get a feel for him first and see if those are the kind of projects he would know how to do or even want to do. You can fish around with saying something like “Ya…I looked up the cost to rent a bobcat to make my berm and swale sets better. Do you have any ideas that I might not be thinking about? The guy said the bobcat is easy to run and work – so I’m sure I can figure it out. Do you know how? Would you be willing to teach me?” Maybe that will draw him into helping you even more.
Talking about your future together and “planting seeds” can be a bit tricky with a guy who doesn’t see himself with you. It already happened though when you guys talked about reforesting, right? So I would suggest talking about those kinds of projects. He doesn’t seem to be scared of those. It feels like he would enjoy talking about the future with you as long as it isn’t about a relationship or romance. At least not yet. Keeping it more neutral is good! You guys can plan things together that you both love and are passionate about and keep building the friendship.
The IOU signal I would suggest to stay away from with this guy…for now. It’s more about relationship talk where the other signals are not. The other signals are more indirect and about building connection and experience together, but the IOU signal is more direct and about building the relationship specifically. You guys aren’t there yet.
I gotta say…if those were the reasons he lost romantic interest in you, I’m not sure this guy is for you anyways. The right guy will have NOTHING standing in the way of being with you (within reason of course). There is a guy/s that will not have anything blocking him from wanting to talk to every single day and wanting to explore life with you. I have more of a sense that whatever this guy’s block is, it’s there for a good reason – whether it’s saving you from a lot of drama that you have no clue about with him or whether you just simply are not a good match for him – or it’s something from his past that doesn’t allow him to truly be intimate and vulnerable with someone – that block is serving a purpose. I have a tendency to trust those blocks and honor their presence and not try and change anything – nor try and figure out what it’s about…as it’s possible I’d be opening pandora’s box – something I have no interest in doing. Just something to think about.
Was this helpful? Is this what you were looking for?
Heidi
I want templates that help me break down and create my own HI signal statements. This isn’t possible because whatever HI statements you choose to go with, will depend on the guy you are dating. They are tailor-made for his skills, his capabilities, your current situation and what you need help with and the type of connection you both have. That why this is the template you use:
“May I please ask your advice really quick? It won’t take long.” (TEMPLATE: Polite request for his advice, engage core need to be hero.)
Ask for advice, ask for help carrying groceries up, ask for help with something he specializes in, ask for help with picking out a restaurant to go to with a friend, ask for help moving furniture, ask for help fixing something – there are soooo many options – and again will depend on who the guy is. The concept is involving him in your life and activating his helper side and then appreciating his efforts. It sounds like the reforesting thing is a great opportunity to really allow him to teach you and show you what he knows, so it’s naturally activating this energy in him. Does this help or am I still missing what it is that you want?
It sounds like he is connecting with you, but not necessarily feeling romantic towards you. Did he happen to mention what was missing? Him not feeling fireworks in the bedroom could have to do with A LOT of different things. Is he pretty much saying he just isn’t attracted to you or is he aware of any other reasons the block may be there?
I love how you said no to his invitation and I love how you described feeling feminine. What a wonderful moment for you!
Heidi
Hi Kimberly.
Welcome! Wow! this is a pretty intense situation. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this.
Have you ever sat down with him and really talked about your feelings? You are feeling a rift and that needs to be addressed and talked about. Have you told him about how you feel about him driving right past you and how you would love it if he picked you up? I imagine he is so used to you being independent and taking care of yourself, that he doesn’t view you as needing “help.” I also imagine that having both of you in the car would be quite uncomfortable since you guys don’t get along. It’s time to fight for your relationship. What kinds of things are you guys doing to connect with each other? Sex? Date nights? Intimate moments? Are you guys playing together at all?
Having her in your house is incredibly stressful and one way to resolve that is to make a plan for her exit date. Her parents have passed and now your BF is her new caretaker. As long as he is in agreement to play that role, things will just continue to get quite messy, so it’s important that you both work together to create a boundary with her. I have no doubt she would stay there forever if he let her, so if he wants to keep your relationship working, he needs to set a boundary with her, or he will lose you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
You are supposed to be tired. The way you live your life, you have poured every ounce of your being into this fantasy about you and him. Being tired is good. Being tired helps you to want to give up on fighting for him and fighting everyone who is telling you what you don’t want to hear. Being tired puts you more in a state of surrender – so this is the good side of being tired. I have been there many times like this. Each time, it has helped me to shift into a different direction.
I can only do so much here in this forum. The best I can do is offer you some ideas of books to read, send videos etc. YOU are going to have to make a choice to fight for your life, every single day. You are worth it though. You joy, your happiness, your love – none of that is gone. It all lives within you every single day. Now you have to connect to feeling it yourself, without the idea of him being your source.
Here is just a place to start. Let me know your thoughts on these videos and what worked for you and what you didn’t resonate with.
Heidi
Oh Emma! My heart goes out to you. This has to be the worst heartache you have ever had to deal with.
I maybe strong mentally but too emotional. I think your mental strength – as you define it – is causing you an incredible amount of pain. You are not dealing with the consequences of living with the man you love, who is constantly rejecting you. It builds and builds and builds because you aren’t processing anything. You are just holding everything in and trying to be “strong” by only supporting his needs and not your own. Now you are crossing a threshold where you are experiencing the consequences physically. You have broken a glass and now you have chest pain. I’m glad it’s gone, but I seriously urge you to get that looked at immediately. You are under more stress than you realize and your heart is telling you that. You have got to change your stress level otherwise the physical consequences will get worse – they always do.
I realize the house represents everything of you BOTH together, which is broken now – and he isn’t willing to repair that. You are in an incredible battle Emma which is why I keep urging you to get some help. You need to have someone who is an expert with divorce to guide you and help you process all that is happening. You need someone to help bring some objectivity into your situation and help you strengthen your self-love so you can start to make decisions that support you. You ARE really pushing your limits now, hence breaking the glass and now your heart. These are symptoms that hopefully get your attention that you are NOT heading in a good direction. You need to support yourself much better. What are you willing to do? You have just entered the danger zone, so what are you going to do about that? He isn’t going to change, so this is 100% on you to take care of yourself. What are you going to do to support yourself better?
Heidi
Heidi
