Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I’m glad you finally feel some clarity and understanding of how to move through the HI signals.
I didn’t respond originally to your suggestions for how to heal my core wounds because I’m a little vague on what exact steps I need to take to do that. The best and fastest way to heal your core wounds is to work with a therapist who specializes in what you are dealing with. I would suggest NOT doing talk therapy, but instead find a therapist with additional skillsets like EMDR, hypnotherapy, brainspotting or some other technique that works with the subconscious. You can go to emdr.com to find a therapist possibly in your area. I know a lot of people are doing online work now, so you can find someone outside of where you live. If that is not what you want to do, I would suggest starting to read and educate yourself. A lot of books also have skills/healing techniques you can bring into your life to help move the needle a bit. What I do know though, is that there are just some things we carry deep inside that we are not able to access on our own and we need a “guide” to help us get there, navigate it and celebrate us as we work through it. I always have a coach I work with to help me with the areas that I just cannot shift on my own.
Here are a few books that may resonate for you.
It sounds like you’re saying that the decision to stop pursuing success with men like Jeremy, who are unavailable unrelated to me, is a matter of accepting aloneness and seeking my own joys. It’s more than just accepting aloneness, it’s working with the story you have about being alone. There is something about being “alone” that it seems you are struggling with. It seems like you are in a place of really wanting love in your life to help you enjoy your life more. What if you already enjoyed your life fully and completely while being alone? I’m alone a lot as well. I do not have a partner and have not had one in quite a while AND I LOVE my life. Every once in a while I crave companionship and that always is a symptom of my subconscious telling me that I have some needs I am not paying attention to within myself. For the most part though, I feel very fulfilled, loved, cared about, connected and peaceful. Do I want a man to fall in love with and take a long journey through life together? Absolutely! I can’t wait to meet him! But it’s not something I crave or seek out, nor is it something I feel I “need.”
I overhear and glance up at all the groups and couples surrounding me. I’ve been in this spot many times and felt the hurt and emptiness in my own life as I watched others with their partners. It doesn’t have to feel like that though. Now, it doesn’t even phase me. I LOVE watching couples now and how they interact and connect. I learn, I enjoy, I wish them well in my heart and it doesn’t activate a need to have what they have.
This is a part of you that looks over and wants what “they” have because you are craving to be loved. That is a part of you that needs some attention and love from YOU. Imagine that part of you as a little girl and she needs YOUR attention, not a man’s attention. She needs YOU to talk with her, validate her, listen to her and support what she has to say and feel. She also needs you to take control and stop her from going after unavailable men – she is just trying to get love, but from unhealthy sources. So like a parent would do with their child, they say “No, you cannot have that. It’s not good for you. I will take care of you. I will love you.”Heidi
There is nothing more you should be doing. Just keep your distance and let him come to you IF HE WANTS. If a guy wants to be with you, HE WILL LET YOU KNOW. If he doesn’t want to be with you, he won’t make the effort. You DO NOT want to have to convince a guy to be with you. You want a guy to NATURALLY have something within him, that makes him want to be with you. A guy is able to connect to that part of him only IF the woman gives him the space. If you ask him questions and try to convince him to talk to you, you will fill him with irritation AGAIN and he will step away. So STAY AWAY and give him space. That is all you need to do. If he asks you something, then you can respond, but DO NOT initiate conversation with him.
I know you feel like you should be doing more, but there is nothing more you can do. There was so much damage that has occurred over the past year, it’s VERY important you just let him reach out to you for once and DO NOT reach out to him about anything!
Heidi
I think it’s much harder for people to receive than it is to give. Yes! Yes! Yes! 100% true. I love your awareness around this!
that i’m one of the best tenants and life happens and there’s no deadline for me. i was totally blown away. I don’t see any of my neighbors as problem tenants. Oh my!!! This brought tears to my eyes!!! Connection BEFORE money. Appreciation BEFORE money!!! Wow! I love that you got to have this experience!!!! I love that you are feeling softer as well. Doesn’t it feel wonderful???
What kind of things do you consider ‘intimate details’? for me, health related stuff doesn’t feel intimate at all. It’s heart related stuff that feels intimate to me. Good question! Healt related stuff for me is more personal because I am a Strength Coach. I help people every day in the gym, I help them be healthy, I help them handle their bodies, their life, their stressors – so to be open about my body breaking is hard for me. Heart related stuff I am more open about. LOL. We are funny, aren’t we? Ultimately, it’s all quite silly. In the end, it’s what we think and feel about ourselves that makes or breaks our day.
you were able to let in people whom you normally wouldn’t hang out with — that’s a kind of test that i don’t want to even be tested with. lol 🙂 I did this because I actually NEEDED to. My medical issues gave me an opportunity to step into my fears – and that’s what I’m about as a person – and so are you. I have no doubt that despite your resistance, you would also step into it. That’s who you are!
I probably wouldn’t talk to you either, if you weren’t so far away and invisible to me! lol 🙂 I totally get it! I know it’s scary and I am honored you trust me in the way you do. I know you don’t see the value of opening up to a woman, but the right kind of woman would enjoy the journey with you and inspire you to WANT to share with her. Those are the only women in my life. I have high standards and each of my close friends meet those standards and I meet their standards. We are open hearted with each other BECAUSE it is safe. It’s wonderful!
So – even though i know i carry some kind of wound that keeps women out — i’m not interested in changing that. And i’m afraid that God will heal me of that wound in spite of myself. lol 🙂 This is interesting for you to say. How come? Why would you NOT want healing?
Whenever i see a woman who is as out of shape as myself or larger than me, but full of confidence and sure of herself, I want to ask so badly – “HOW do you do it when you are so fat?” — but i know that’s not a good way to ask that question. Got any ideas?! lol hahahaha! OMG! I am seriously laughing because I have said the very same thing in my mind a million times! I think it’s a normal thing to think and wonder. The answer is self-love. It’s learning how to love ALL of you, even your limitations. It’s learning how the fat is serving you and appreciating the protection it is providing for you. Fat, even physiologically, acts as a protective mechanism against acids that would damage your organs and tissues. Fat, emotionally, acts as protection against attention, protection against intimacy, protection against spiritual advancement – fat, in general, is a protective mechanism and is here to help us, not hurt us. It holds a message for each of us. Have you ever talked to your fat?
I learned that i’m naturally a belly breather and that pushes out my belly muscles! SO, i focus on chest breathing when i walk, when i wake up or before i go to bed, or anytime during the day when i become aware of my breathing. One of the first things i noticed when i forced myself to use my chest muscles for breathing is how my belly goes in and during exhale and holds my spine stable, without having to hold my breath! I really like how my body feels when i’m walking while breathing with my chest muscles. I don’t feel flabby! LOL! It’s 100% okay to belly breathe and push your belly muscles out. That is what is supposed to happen and how we were designed to breathe. I want to guide you in a different direction. Chest breathing causes all kinds of issues in the body, most of the time, years down the road. I’ve studied breathing quite a bit. Here are a series of videos to help you understand your breathing more. Hopefully this helps. I’m happy to talk more about this if you want. I’m not sure if it’s too scientific for you, in some of the videos, but maybe it will help you explore a little more.
I’ve also been massaging myself. I’ve almost fully gotten rid of a shoulder issue. In the past 2 weeks, i noticed a change in my belly – it has been feeling swollen – so i wondered if i’m experiencing some inflammation. there’s no pain. but it’s not caving in as much as it used to 2 weeks back, when i exhale. And when i massage my belly, i feel the pressure of my hands in a different way. Today, i felt my uterus. It’s most likely swollen a bit, because it has polyps in it. But i thought it may have shriveled up by now, because i haven’t bled in 4 or 5 months. SO – i was quite surprised to find myself bleedin today. Interestingly, i wasn’t upset. I’m just curious as to what my body is upto? I would talk to a doctor about this! Not bleeding for that long could be a dangerous thing. Have you checked into it?
Chronic should issues could more have to do with the organs connected to it. The left should is more connected (neurologically to the stomach/heart) and the right shoulder is connected to the liver. SO it’s not unusual for someone to have chronic should pain, but the dysfunction is actually in the organ, not the shoulder.
Great massage videos! Working with the abdominal region is really helpful a lot of times. There are so many techniques out there, right? I love that you are exploring what works for you!
How are the holidays shaping up for you? I love the leaves changing right now. Soooooo beautiful and definitely putting me in the mood for hot drinks and holiday lights.
Heidi
I come first and then the others. YES YES YES!!! I LOVE that you are really connecting to this and starting to practice this more in your life. It’s self-love to make sure you are sourced first, before sending out your energy to others. This is how you are the most powerful and impactful in the world and in relationships.
but you see I want to understand him, even if it’s one-side which I still wish to see if I can wake up his hero Instinct, I just want to point out that this statement here is actually the complete opposite of I come first and then the others.. This is you putting YOURSELF aside – by not caring that he doesn’t have any interest in understanding you – and still wanting to source the love. A question I always like to ask is “Is it loving TO ME, to love this person?” So let’s put that to the test here. Is it loving TO YOU, to love a guy who isn’t interested in understanding you? Is it loving TO YOU, to keep building a love with a guy who disappears when things get hard enough or uncomfortable enough? Is it loving TO YOU, to keep putting in all your efforts for a guy who isn’t putting in his efforts towards you?
It’s actually because it’s very unlike him to act like that,I wish to know what is going on with him I know this is not his normal pattern, but you barely know him in the big picture. You haven’t even met him in person yet. So…that means there are a TON of things you don’t know about him. So even though this response is not what you typically experience with him, it’s coming out now, so you are learning something new about him. You now know what he is capable of. You now know that he has the ability to break his word and break his integrity. You now know that he has the ability to completely disconnect from you without explanation. You now know that he is able to be influenced by his friends. So…this is a new side of him that you are seeing and experiencing, which means he can do it again and again and again, regardless of how much you love each other. Love is not the question here. It’s HOW HE FUNCTIONS under stress that is causing this. It’s his coping mechanism that develops as a child and will part of him FOREVER. So even IF you understood why he is acting like this, it’s not going to change how much it hurts you, it’s not going to change his behavior and it’s going to continue to sabotage connection.
even if it’s one-side which I still wish to see if I can wake up his hero Instinct Your’e okay with one-sided? You say this statement and then also say this: It doesn’t mean I’m not going to set some standards to myself about how I want to be treated. These statements ALSO contradict each other. You want to set standards as to how you are treated, yet you are okay if it’s one-sided? What standards are you wanting to create here?
Let’s keep talking about this!
Heidi
Hi! I’m excited for your housewarming party! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are continuing your bakery challenge 🙂
Covid 3x??? Wow! Are you doing anything on a daily basis to strengthen your immune system? Is it normal for you to get sick this many times? I’m glad the guy was understanding. Are you online dating again?
Yay!!! Your birthday!!! What age are you turning?? How many people are coming?
Things are good on my end. It’s the fall season, so the beautiful colors are in full bloom! I LOVE living in Colorado!
Heidi
Hi Tavshad,
The advice I would give is to continue to stay away. Like I said in the last post, your response was great and leave it at that. You need to build trust with him again and the best way to do that is to SHOW him you can respect his boundaries and NOT bombard him with messages about wanting to talk. I know this seems opposite of what you think, but you have broken his trust by OVER reaching out to him. So you build trust back by UNDER reaching out to him.
I don’t know what his strategies are. I am not him. He may have been drunk, who knows. Either way, it doesn’t matter and it’s a waste of time trying to GUESS what someone else is doing and feeling. NO ONE knows except for him, so your job is to just deal with REALITY instead of a made up story about what he is thinking or feeling.
Heidi
I will answer directly in your format and see if this helps bring more understanding.
– Damsel in Distress signal – TEMPLATE: “May I please ask your advice really quick? It won’t take long.” (Polite request for his advice, engaging core need to be hero.) This is your template to use when you first reach out. If and when he responds, you just have something ready for him to help you with. From what it sounds like, you have practiced this one quite a bit and it sounds like he IS engaging, but he still isn’t feeling like a “hero” like you want him to. Like I previously said, it’s NOT because you are doing it wrong – it’s a much bigger issue that is not something you can fix for him.
– Private Island signal – TEMPLATE: Can you help me with [tiny thing tied to hero instinct]? Can you help me with [slightly more involved thing tied to hero instinct]? Can you help me with [larger favor tied to hero instinct]? – question about this is what is the frequency The frequency depends on the type of relationship you have and what his responses are to your requests. I would space them out though. When you start asking too frequently (a few times a week), it may end up backfiring. You need to use your intuition on this one and just see what happens one day at a time. Right now, you guys have agreed to be friends, so keep building the friendship. YOu have already requested quite a bit from him, so maybe take a break for a few weeks? and what sorts of favors would I ask this particular guy as an example I have to work with in my life right now I can’t decide this for you. This is where you have to get creative with what you can ask for help with. As I previously mentioned, it can be as simple as asking for advice about a restaurant or as complex as helping you build a burm. I don’t know your life, nor his skillset, so this is something I cannot help you with as each woman and each guy and each relationship is unique and different. You just have to try some things out and see what works and what doesn’t work.
– Glimpse phrase signal – TEMPLATE: What do you think might happen if [we threw caution to the wind] and took the time to [pursue mutually-beneficial activities together]? You can fill in the blank with an activity you want to do with him (you guys talked about reforesting which is the perfect example of an activity with you doing something together in the future). Think about this as a way to just plan doing things together. You want to engage his thoughts of “planning WITH you.” Whether it changes his fears about his failure in relationships or not, is about HIM and not you, so let go of the end result of trying to get him to be what you want and just let him be what HE needs right now. If you just keep your focus on building pleasurable memories and experiences together, like trading massages and reforesting, you are adding pleasurable ideas to the connection.
– I.O.U. signal TEMPLATE: [“wouldn’t you say you’re the kind of person who goes after what he wants in life? Someone who’s willing to do what it takes to have the best life has to offer?”..“Good, because I’d like to have a discussion where we are honest with each other about what we really want in life. It might feel a bit awkward, but I figure you’re the kind of person who’s willing to go through some awkwardness if it moves us toward the best life possible.”] With this guy, I would stay away from this for right now. He is dealing with some pretty big low self-esteem issues and fears. Having a potentially awkward conversation at this stage, means he might step back. You guys have agreed to be friends, so hang out there for a while and focus on continuing to just build the connection. Let him have some time to deal with his fears and feelings of being a failure before stepping into an awkward conversation about the direction of the relationship. You guys JUST decided the direction, so I would suggest waiting at least a month (maybe longer – I don’t know) before revisiting that conversation.
I hope I was able to answer your questions and bring more clarity.
Heidi
I feel sad and disappointed at having feelings for another unavailable man. I know it’s incredibly frustrating. Now is your chance to say “no” and start to shift the pattern though. It’s about you starting to make different choices for yourself and setting yourself up for success by NOT stepping into another situation where you will be rejected.
I feel good about preserving our friendship. You want to preserve the “friendship” with a guy who is unavailable that you have feelings for. I’m glad you feel good about this. It’s also important for you to understand that this is NOT a friendship. You guys may choose not to be intimate anymore, but it doesn’t mean the emotional intimacy isn’t there. You both have feelings for each other, so the friendship part is more of an illusion than anything.
I feel afraid I won’t meet any other men but he will meet other women. (He did decide to do a sex cleanse related to his sense of failing at relationships.) Step into your fear. Find out who you are by letting this go and being okay alone again. If another man doesn’t come along for a while, that’s okay! Learning to fill up your life with lots of friends, activities, self-love and whatever else you want to create is MUCH better than staying with an unavailable guy who is rejecting you because of his own fears he isn’t willing to face. Wouldn’t you rather be alone and peaceful and drama free than with a guy you will end up spinning your wheels on?
I feel overwhelmed and hopeless at the prospect of somehow mysteriously “healing” my subconscious program of trying to get unavailable men to love me. I have no idea how to do that at all. Mysteriously? How is it a mystery? I explained, in quite a bit of detail, about how healing happens and invited you into a conversation about that. You didn’t respond to any of what I said about that nor asked any further questions, so I assumed you weren’t interested. All you seem to be interested in is figuring out a way to get another unavailable man to love you with the HI signals. You want to heal? You STOP yourself from trying anything with an unavailable man and you step into your fears. You STOP engaging with him and choose to love yourself MORE than the limited and VERY confusing connection you have with him. If you are not ready to make that kind of choice, then you are just not in enough pain yet to make a different decision. It really is that simple. People who come from abuse, trauma, neglect etc. have a VERY high emotional pain tolerance….it helps you survive when you are younger, but then hurts you when you are older.
I feel a thin shred of hope at having heard a section of the ebook audio in my car last night that felt more deeply relevant after Jeremy literally told me he is failing at relationships, that he doesn’t see a need in me he can provide for and doesn’t feel a need to be a man with me. The section was on behavioral conditioning and the action step was to show increased affection when he does what I want then gradually reserve that for increasing levels of him giving. You keep wanting to spend all of your energy and focus on HIM – a guy who believes he is failing at relationships and that he doesn’t feel he needs to be a “man” with you. Those are HIS insecurities and not for YOU to fix with some technique. Sure, you can show increased affection, but if he is an empty vessel within himself in the love category – which he is – you will be needing to show affection for the rest of your life because YOU will become his source of self-esteem instead of HIM becoming his own source. He needs to feel like a man, whether you need him or not! That’s crucial for ANY relationship to last.
I am still waiting for help creating templates after asking many times. My list is clear, organized, and took some time to create. I signed up for this forum to get help extracting templates, so I would appreciate it if a coach would help me with this. I thought I had addressed all of this with my previous reply below. Is this not what you were looking for? If not, then what is missing?
question about this is what is the frequency and what sorts of favors would I ask this particular guy The frequency varies according to the kind of connection you have. Being that he is more of a friend, asking these kinds of favors every once in a while is better. The smaller favors are not that impactful/time consuming nor threatening. So you can ask for the small favors more frequently, like a few times per month – and see what his response is. Going out on a 4 wheeler excursion is great! He already offered and it’s something that is fun for him as well. You can phrase it something like “Hey…you once offered this adventure. I’ve really been wanting to go see more of this area and you would be the perfect person to show me things I know I would probably miss. Are you up for that tour soon? The firepit and bobcat thing are BIG requests. Maybe pick one? I would get a feel for him first and see if those are the kind of projects he would know how to do or even want to do. You can fish around with saying something like “Ya…I looked up the cost to rent a bobcat to make my berm and swale sets better. Do you have any ideas that I might not be thinking about? The guy said the bobcat is easy to run and work – so I’m sure I can figure it out. Do you know how? Would you be willing to teach me?” Maybe that will draw him into helping you even more.
Talking about your future together and “planting seeds” can be a bit tricky with a guy who doesn’t see himself with you. It already happened though when you guys talked about reforesting, right? So I would suggest talking about those kinds of projects. He doesn’t seem to be scared of those. It feels like he would enjoy talking about the future with you as long as it isn’t about a relationship or romance. At least not yet. Keeping it more neutral is good! You guys can plan things together that you both love and are passionate about and keep building the friendship.
The IOU signal I would suggest to stay away from with this guy…for now. It’s more about relationship talk where the other signals are not. The other signals are more indirect and about building connection and experience together, but the IOU signal is more direct and about building the relationship specifically. You guys aren’t there yet.
Why are none of my HI signals triggering his emotions, his HI yet? Your HI signals are not working because he has A LOT of low self-esteem. This not about you, this is about HIM. You can’t fix him Jadene. You keep spending a TON of energy trying to get him to move forward with you AND at the same time you want to face this pattern of yours of not doing this anymore. Well…here’s your chance. He is an unavailable guy. Yes, you have feelings, but as you have already learned, that’s just not enough. Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. So you can say no to your feelings and choose to let the idea of this guy go, or you can spend more and more time with him, become more bonded and then end up in another messy relationship.
He says he is failing with relationships like he just can’t win lately, and he brushes aside my efforts with statements that seem to say he doesn’t feel like my hero or even a man around me. This is HIS low self-esteem that has lived with him for many years. You didn’t create this in him, so it’s important that you don’t take responsibility. Just because he isn’t responding the way you want, doesn’t mean it’s your fault. James wrote that the signals may not work at first because a woman isn’t good at using them yet. There are MANY reasons why HI signals don’t work and this is just one of them. Every situation is different and unique, so it’s impossible to list all the reasons something doesn’t work. I want to invite you to step outside of this black and white kind of thinking. You have this mentality that if you do the “right” thing, it should yield a certain kind of result and simply is not true when it comes to love. This kind of thinking will break your heart over and over and over again when a guy hurts you, lets you down, doesn’t show up for you – even when you are doing everything “right.” Even with the very best, most nourishing kind of love – your guy is going to break your heart with some of the decisions he makes – and vice versa. Sometimes it is cause and effect and sometimes it’s not. You need to expect BOTH.
Heidi
Hey there! My opinion is that it means absolutely nothing. Do not read into this – you will only torture yourself with all kinds of made up stories that your mind will grab onto – I’m sure that process has already begun. Let it go and don’t turn this very small and insignificant question into anything more than what it is…nothing!
Your response what PERFECT! Remember, it was when you were so pushy to talk to him that you caused irritation in him and made him want to block you. He needs to know that he can reach out to you and ask a question without you wanting to start a full on conversation with him. Hopefully you didn’t say anything further. Keep giving him space which will let him know you can respect his space and not cross his boundaries again. He may or may not reach out again. Who knows! But it needs to come from him, NOT YOU! Are you able to do that?
Hi Anna,
I understand that you are skeptical. That’s good! It means you have a discerning mind and that’s important. What I love about this course is that there are a lot of different tools and concepts you can learn from. Even though some of it might not apply directly to you, it may apply in a different situation. The idea is to take these concepts and make them your own. The 12 word text for example, is just a simple way to ask for help. If you understand the core concept about activating the hero instinct, you can then make it your very own and you can start practicing it more and more in ANY relationship. These concepts are suitable to any woman, as they are ideas about how to create a connection. However, the results vary according to each unique situation AND even if these tools end up reconnecting 2 people, it doesn’t change the core problems of the relationship in the first place.
This course will help you with yourself. It’s a way to learn how to be more effective in relationship and how to understand men a little more. And you’re right, his way of not communicating me and being this way is very unkind and childish. If you believe this to be true, then I wonder what would make you want any of this to work with him? This means there is a part of you still wanting to bring him back into your life, despite his inability to communicate with you as an adult. What’s happening for you that you would want to invite this into your life again?
Good job keeping yourself busy and connected with your friends and exercising! It sounds like you are still making sure you are living your life and moving forward, even without him – even though it’s difficult. Is it helping? How are you feeling about it all now? Sad? Angry? Hurt?
Heidi
Wow! What a beautiful picture you created for me about the adventurous coot. He would be an amazing character in a children’s book, right? Have you ever thought of doing something like that? Creating a children’s book with the real pictures that you take? You definitely love to tell stories and it’s a great platform!
I hope you enjoyed your massage and that your neck is feeling better. I’m sure all the stress of being there is hard on your body in many, many ways.
Still nothing on the horizon for a job? Wow! So many things that are unpredictable these days. March couldn’t come soon enough, right? But if you have nothing to come back to, then that’s not very fun either. One day at a time though. March is so close, but far away and so much can happen between now and then.
We are heading into holiday season now. I know they don’t do thanksgiving, but do they do Halloween at all? Are you seeing any Christmas lights yet? I’ve already put up my Christmas tree and decorated my patio with some of my lights. It makes me sooooooo happy!!! It’s such a beautiful time of year.
I probably should have asked him to stop touching me and explain I wasn’t comfortable with it What stopped you from speaking up and protecting yourself from his advances?
Oh No! There really is a lot of rain isn’t there? That really puts a damper on so many things. Are you still going to go? That airport sounds awful! Regardless, you really are developing some serious skills, having to learn how to navigate all this travel. It’s really impressive!!!
That’s interesting about your boss. So if you got to work from home (calgary), you would still work for him?
I’m assuming there are no other job opportunities or you would be mentioning that. When is the contract officially complete? March 2024? Or somewhere around there if I remember correctly, which I’m probably not.
I hope you are able to find a way to feel better!
Heidi
It’s my responsibility and I’m willing to pay the price in case I made mistake even trying things to work between us. I just want to be clear that I’m not saying to not do this. I’m suggesting to slow down your heart and your thinking. Opening your heart fully and completely and loving and committing everything you have towards a person you have never met is not protecting your heart very well. You say you don’t care and you want to risk it, but you WILL care when things don’t turn out the way you want. You WILL care if you have to recover from serious heartbreak. Just slow down and really keep your eyes open. A guy needs to EARN the right of your heart and although you feel he has done that so far, how he is treating you is quite childish and very unkind. Like I said before, BIG RED FLAG here. He is not working WITH you, he is instead hurting you and not caring that he is hurting. That’s one of the greatest problems of LDRs. A person can disappear and not have to face the challenges and the partner is just left to deal with the disappearance. It doesn’t matter if he is checking on you behind the scenes. He is not in relationship with your friends, he is in relationship with YOU and needs to be showing up as your PARTNER. Like I said, if he is doing this now, he will do it again.
I know there are so many great things about him or you wouldn’t love him. And I know you want all of those amazing things back. A relationship actually works and is long lasting based on how a couple treats each other in their worst, most challenging moments. Do they treat each other with respect? Do they work TOGETHER towards a common goal of resolution? Or do they disappear, stop communicating or get aggressive? It’s not the best parts of each other that makes a relationship, it’s the worst parts. Studies have shown this over and over and over. How a couple treats each other in the worst moments is what will make or break the success of the relationship.
So as amazing as he is, it’s important for you to ALSO understand that he isn’t. He is abandoning you. He is not communicating, he is not being direct, he is not being authentic and he is leaving you quite confused, all the while asking your friends about you. This IS part of him too. Is this something you are willing to love about him? Is this the kind of behavior you are willing to deal with forever? If he never changed this part and he acted like this every time he got upset enough about something, is this something you can accept about him and not expect him to change?
Let’s talk about this “needy” part that his friends see about you. Is there any truth to it? How were you needy? I’m guessing this is also part of the same energy that causes you to apologize so much. Where does this come from? Do you know why you are like this?
P.S Since we broke up my Ex sent a lot of quote that seemed related to me but maybe I’m tripping, things like “I prefer to have to have my nightmare with open eyes. Blinded by vanity yet able to secretly see what lies beyond the shadow and soul”
It’s probably not very healthy to stalk him like that..l which I’m working on it and it’s actually better than the beginning, I was crying every time I was stalking him on social media for some reason. How about you delete social media off of your phone and computer? What you are doing is NOT healthy for you. You are naturally going to turn everything he says into a story that your mind will make up – hence a lot of crying and always wondering if what he is writing is directed towards you. Give yourself a break and let yourself heal. Step away and give YOURSELF a break from the stalking. It’s natural to want to know what he is doing and saying on SM, but it’s causing you harm. I know you are getting “better” by not crying every time you look, but you are still stalking him and you are still creating stories about what he is writing and it’s all hurtful for you – crying or not. Is this something you are willing to do? Try it for a week? Try it for a day? Help yourself. Love yourself enough to not keep putting yourself in more pain than you already are.Keep giving him space, don’t post anything on social media about anything and stay away for a bit and set some standards for yourself as to how you want to be treated.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Okay then, it sounds like you are both clear on how to move forward. There must be some relief in that for you, yes?
No more confusing sex, no more wondering what each other is thinking and leaving the door open to meeting other people. Do you feel good about this?Heidi
Hi Anna,
Thank you for sharing all that you did. It’s ALL helpful, so please don’t feel like you have to apologize. Everything you write helps us to get to know you and your situation better.
So if I am to understand correctly, you actually have never met in person, correct?
I know how devastating this is. You feel like you have lost him and there is nothing you can do about it. LDRs are INCREDIBLY challenging for any couple, but then to add on top of that never having met, it just makes things incredibly shakey and unstable.
I still don’t have a clear understanding about why you guys broke up. It sounds like he is having reactions about things he actually has very little information about. His friends obviously had a great influence on him, but I still don’t really understand why there was an argument in the first place. Why did they think you were manipulative?
I do want to say that the whole social media “passive-aggressive” kind of posting needs to stop. Neither of you should be posting things to or about each other…ever. Social media is NOT a platform to communicate to your partner. I know you were hurting and I understand it was a way to accomplish something, but anything you say can be interpreted in different ways and have an effect that you didn’t intend on…which you are learning. Hopefully the lesson is learned!
There are a lot of red flags here. One being that he just doesn’t seem clear about what he wants and he seems to be quite pushy and aggressive. Why would he get upset that you got sick? I know you said it was a trigger for him, but that’s HIS issue, but somehow there was an argument about that. Why? He also asked for an unknown amount of space and got angry that you reached out and asked for clarification, already having given him PLENTY of space. Why? He seems quite pushy and you seem quite amendable. Where are YOUR boundaries? Where are YOUR needs being honored and listened to, by him? Brazilians tend to be quite strong personalities full of a TON of energy, which is just part of who they are, however it does not mean YOU need to give into that. They actually will have more respect for someone who stands up to them and doesn’t cower to their inflated responses to a situation. My guess is, you are VERY used to apologizing and trying to keep the peace with him, yes? I say this because you apologized a few times already in this post when there was no reason to apologize. That usually indicates someone who overuses apologies. This typically indicates co-dependency – meeting the needs of others at the expense of their own.
The entire flavor of how you explain things is all about getting him back and apologizing for EVERYTHING that makes him upset instead of holding him accountable to his own reactions and requiring more from him. It is NOT appropriate nor okay to say “I need space” and then disappear for who knows how long without any explanation or care about how that affects their partner. That is NOT a partner/team kind of decision. NO ONE would accept that nor feel okay about being treated that way, yet you backed down and allowed him to treat you this way.
He is giving you quite the insight to how he handles stress as well. When it’s stressful enough, regardless of his words or promises to always talk through things, he didn’t follow through on that. He didn’t do what he said he would do – he disappeared and then got angry with you when you asked for clarification. That is NOT someone who is caring about how he effects you. THat is someone who is just doing what they want, regardless of your feelings. That is NOT a partner. If he is doing this now, he is going to do it again and again and again and again and each time he does this, you are teaching him that you will deal with it and accept it. All of this has happened and you guys haven’t even met yet. Yikes!
This is risky business for sure! I dated a guy in college on and off for 3 years and I haven’t seen him since…until 2 months ago. For an entire year, he kept coming in and out of my life – he lived in a different state so it was a bit difficult to maneuver, but we did what you are doing…phone calls, VC calls and planned a few different visits that ended up not working out. The entire year, there were fireworks and we were having a lot of fun! Then we met for the first time after 25 years, about 2 months ago. I was shocked at how unattracted I was to him. Why? We spent 24 hours together and I saw how he FELT to me in person. He felt completely different than he did over those calls and texts. I left telling him we weren’t a match. I KNEW this guy VERY WELL from college and we had a lot of history together so I trusted our “virtual” connection. I learned NEVER to trust it. It’s NEVER the full picture of someone. It’s NEVER the full story about a person. It’s NEVER a clear, whole story about a person. All it is are bits and pieces of a person in a moment and that’s it.
I know you feel like you love him, but you guys BARELY know each other. I know trying to pull back the reins and slow things down is not what you want to do. I know you just want him back and I know you want to keep loving him. There is already some pretty big red flags/dysfunction in this relationship and that’s not even in person. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I do want to encourage you to really slow down. You are soooooooo young and still have a lot to learn about love and relationships.
Thoughts?
Heidi
