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Hi! I’m excited for your housewarming party! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are continuing your bakery challenge 🙂
Covid 3x??? Wow! Are you doing anything on a daily basis to strengthen your immune system? Is it normal for you to get sick this many times? I’m glad the guy was understanding. Are you online dating again?
Yay!!! Your birthday!!! What age are you turning?? How many people are coming?
Things are good on my end. It’s the fall season, so the beautiful colors are in full bloom! I LOVE living in Colorado!
Heidi
Hi Tavshad,
The advice I would give is to continue to stay away. Like I said in the last post, your response was great and leave it at that. You need to build trust with him again and the best way to do that is to SHOW him you can respect his boundaries and NOT bombard him with messages about wanting to talk. I know this seems opposite of what you think, but you have broken his trust by OVER reaching out to him. So you build trust back by UNDER reaching out to him.
I don’t know what his strategies are. I am not him. He may have been drunk, who knows. Either way, it doesn’t matter and it’s a waste of time trying to GUESS what someone else is doing and feeling. NO ONE knows except for him, so your job is to just deal with REALITY instead of a made up story about what he is thinking or feeling.
Heidi
I will answer directly in your format and see if this helps bring more understanding.
– Damsel in Distress signal – TEMPLATE: “May I please ask your advice really quick? It won’t take long.” (Polite request for his advice, engaging core need to be hero.) This is your template to use when you first reach out. If and when he responds, you just have something ready for him to help you with. From what it sounds like, you have practiced this one quite a bit and it sounds like he IS engaging, but he still isn’t feeling like a “hero” like you want him to. Like I previously said, it’s NOT because you are doing it wrong – it’s a much bigger issue that is not something you can fix for him.
– Private Island signal – TEMPLATE: Can you help me with [tiny thing tied to hero instinct]? Can you help me with [slightly more involved thing tied to hero instinct]? Can you help me with [larger favor tied to hero instinct]? – question about this is what is the frequency The frequency depends on the type of relationship you have and what his responses are to your requests. I would space them out though. When you start asking too frequently (a few times a week), it may end up backfiring. You need to use your intuition on this one and just see what happens one day at a time. Right now, you guys have agreed to be friends, so keep building the friendship. YOu have already requested quite a bit from him, so maybe take a break for a few weeks? and what sorts of favors would I ask this particular guy as an example I have to work with in my life right now I can’t decide this for you. This is where you have to get creative with what you can ask for help with. As I previously mentioned, it can be as simple as asking for advice about a restaurant or as complex as helping you build a burm. I don’t know your life, nor his skillset, so this is something I cannot help you with as each woman and each guy and each relationship is unique and different. You just have to try some things out and see what works and what doesn’t work.
– Glimpse phrase signal – TEMPLATE: What do you think might happen if [we threw caution to the wind] and took the time to [pursue mutually-beneficial activities together]? You can fill in the blank with an activity you want to do with him (you guys talked about reforesting which is the perfect example of an activity with you doing something together in the future). Think about this as a way to just plan doing things together. You want to engage his thoughts of “planning WITH you.” Whether it changes his fears about his failure in relationships or not, is about HIM and not you, so let go of the end result of trying to get him to be what you want and just let him be what HE needs right now. If you just keep your focus on building pleasurable memories and experiences together, like trading massages and reforesting, you are adding pleasurable ideas to the connection.
– I.O.U. signal TEMPLATE: [“wouldn’t you say you’re the kind of person who goes after what he wants in life? Someone who’s willing to do what it takes to have the best life has to offer?”..“Good, because I’d like to have a discussion where we are honest with each other about what we really want in life. It might feel a bit awkward, but I figure you’re the kind of person who’s willing to go through some awkwardness if it moves us toward the best life possible.”] With this guy, I would stay away from this for right now. He is dealing with some pretty big low self-esteem issues and fears. Having a potentially awkward conversation at this stage, means he might step back. You guys have agreed to be friends, so hang out there for a while and focus on continuing to just build the connection. Let him have some time to deal with his fears and feelings of being a failure before stepping into an awkward conversation about the direction of the relationship. You guys JUST decided the direction, so I would suggest waiting at least a month (maybe longer – I don’t know) before revisiting that conversation.
I hope I was able to answer your questions and bring more clarity.
Heidi
I feel sad and disappointed at having feelings for another unavailable man. I know it’s incredibly frustrating. Now is your chance to say “no” and start to shift the pattern though. It’s about you starting to make different choices for yourself and setting yourself up for success by NOT stepping into another situation where you will be rejected.
I feel good about preserving our friendship. You want to preserve the “friendship” with a guy who is unavailable that you have feelings for. I’m glad you feel good about this. It’s also important for you to understand that this is NOT a friendship. You guys may choose not to be intimate anymore, but it doesn’t mean the emotional intimacy isn’t there. You both have feelings for each other, so the friendship part is more of an illusion than anything.
I feel afraid I won’t meet any other men but he will meet other women. (He did decide to do a sex cleanse related to his sense of failing at relationships.) Step into your fear. Find out who you are by letting this go and being okay alone again. If another man doesn’t come along for a while, that’s okay! Learning to fill up your life with lots of friends, activities, self-love and whatever else you want to create is MUCH better than staying with an unavailable guy who is rejecting you because of his own fears he isn’t willing to face. Wouldn’t you rather be alone and peaceful and drama free than with a guy you will end up spinning your wheels on?
I feel overwhelmed and hopeless at the prospect of somehow mysteriously “healing” my subconscious program of trying to get unavailable men to love me. I have no idea how to do that at all. Mysteriously? How is it a mystery? I explained, in quite a bit of detail, about how healing happens and invited you into a conversation about that. You didn’t respond to any of what I said about that nor asked any further questions, so I assumed you weren’t interested. All you seem to be interested in is figuring out a way to get another unavailable man to love you with the HI signals. You want to heal? You STOP yourself from trying anything with an unavailable man and you step into your fears. You STOP engaging with him and choose to love yourself MORE than the limited and VERY confusing connection you have with him. If you are not ready to make that kind of choice, then you are just not in enough pain yet to make a different decision. It really is that simple. People who come from abuse, trauma, neglect etc. have a VERY high emotional pain tolerance….it helps you survive when you are younger, but then hurts you when you are older.
I feel a thin shred of hope at having heard a section of the ebook audio in my car last night that felt more deeply relevant after Jeremy literally told me he is failing at relationships, that he doesn’t see a need in me he can provide for and doesn’t feel a need to be a man with me. The section was on behavioral conditioning and the action step was to show increased affection when he does what I want then gradually reserve that for increasing levels of him giving. You keep wanting to spend all of your energy and focus on HIM – a guy who believes he is failing at relationships and that he doesn’t feel he needs to be a “man” with you. Those are HIS insecurities and not for YOU to fix with some technique. Sure, you can show increased affection, but if he is an empty vessel within himself in the love category – which he is – you will be needing to show affection for the rest of your life because YOU will become his source of self-esteem instead of HIM becoming his own source. He needs to feel like a man, whether you need him or not! That’s crucial for ANY relationship to last.
I am still waiting for help creating templates after asking many times. My list is clear, organized, and took some time to create. I signed up for this forum to get help extracting templates, so I would appreciate it if a coach would help me with this. I thought I had addressed all of this with my previous reply below. Is this not what you were looking for? If not, then what is missing?
question about this is what is the frequency and what sorts of favors would I ask this particular guy The frequency varies according to the kind of connection you have. Being that he is more of a friend, asking these kinds of favors every once in a while is better. The smaller favors are not that impactful/time consuming nor threatening. So you can ask for the small favors more frequently, like a few times per month – and see what his response is. Going out on a 4 wheeler excursion is great! He already offered and it’s something that is fun for him as well. You can phrase it something like “Hey…you once offered this adventure. I’ve really been wanting to go see more of this area and you would be the perfect person to show me things I know I would probably miss. Are you up for that tour soon? The firepit and bobcat thing are BIG requests. Maybe pick one? I would get a feel for him first and see if those are the kind of projects he would know how to do or even want to do. You can fish around with saying something like “Ya…I looked up the cost to rent a bobcat to make my berm and swale sets better. Do you have any ideas that I might not be thinking about? The guy said the bobcat is easy to run and work – so I’m sure I can figure it out. Do you know how? Would you be willing to teach me?” Maybe that will draw him into helping you even more.
Talking about your future together and “planting seeds” can be a bit tricky with a guy who doesn’t see himself with you. It already happened though when you guys talked about reforesting, right? So I would suggest talking about those kinds of projects. He doesn’t seem to be scared of those. It feels like he would enjoy talking about the future with you as long as it isn’t about a relationship or romance. At least not yet. Keeping it more neutral is good! You guys can plan things together that you both love and are passionate about and keep building the friendship.
The IOU signal I would suggest to stay away from with this guy…for now. It’s more about relationship talk where the other signals are not. The other signals are more indirect and about building connection and experience together, but the IOU signal is more direct and about building the relationship specifically. You guys aren’t there yet.
Why are none of my HI signals triggering his emotions, his HI yet? Your HI signals are not working because he has A LOT of low self-esteem. This not about you, this is about HIM. You can’t fix him Jadene. You keep spending a TON of energy trying to get him to move forward with you AND at the same time you want to face this pattern of yours of not doing this anymore. Well…here’s your chance. He is an unavailable guy. Yes, you have feelings, but as you have already learned, that’s just not enough. Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. So you can say no to your feelings and choose to let the idea of this guy go, or you can spend more and more time with him, become more bonded and then end up in another messy relationship.
He says he is failing with relationships like he just can’t win lately, and he brushes aside my efforts with statements that seem to say he doesn’t feel like my hero or even a man around me. This is HIS low self-esteem that has lived with him for many years. You didn’t create this in him, so it’s important that you don’t take responsibility. Just because he isn’t responding the way you want, doesn’t mean it’s your fault. James wrote that the signals may not work at first because a woman isn’t good at using them yet. There are MANY reasons why HI signals don’t work and this is just one of them. Every situation is different and unique, so it’s impossible to list all the reasons something doesn’t work. I want to invite you to step outside of this black and white kind of thinking. You have this mentality that if you do the “right” thing, it should yield a certain kind of result and simply is not true when it comes to love. This kind of thinking will break your heart over and over and over again when a guy hurts you, lets you down, doesn’t show up for you – even when you are doing everything “right.” Even with the very best, most nourishing kind of love – your guy is going to break your heart with some of the decisions he makes – and vice versa. Sometimes it is cause and effect and sometimes it’s not. You need to expect BOTH.
Heidi
Hey there! My opinion is that it means absolutely nothing. Do not read into this – you will only torture yourself with all kinds of made up stories that your mind will grab onto – I’m sure that process has already begun. Let it go and don’t turn this very small and insignificant question into anything more than what it is…nothing!
Your response what PERFECT! Remember, it was when you were so pushy to talk to him that you caused irritation in him and made him want to block you. He needs to know that he can reach out to you and ask a question without you wanting to start a full on conversation with him. Hopefully you didn’t say anything further. Keep giving him space which will let him know you can respect his space and not cross his boundaries again. He may or may not reach out again. Who knows! But it needs to come from him, NOT YOU! Are you able to do that?
Hi Anna,
I understand that you are skeptical. That’s good! It means you have a discerning mind and that’s important. What I love about this course is that there are a lot of different tools and concepts you can learn from. Even though some of it might not apply directly to you, it may apply in a different situation. The idea is to take these concepts and make them your own. The 12 word text for example, is just a simple way to ask for help. If you understand the core concept about activating the hero instinct, you can then make it your very own and you can start practicing it more and more in ANY relationship. These concepts are suitable to any woman, as they are ideas about how to create a connection. However, the results vary according to each unique situation AND even if these tools end up reconnecting 2 people, it doesn’t change the core problems of the relationship in the first place.
This course will help you with yourself. It’s a way to learn how to be more effective in relationship and how to understand men a little more. And you’re right, his way of not communicating me and being this way is very unkind and childish. If you believe this to be true, then I wonder what would make you want any of this to work with him? This means there is a part of you still wanting to bring him back into your life, despite his inability to communicate with you as an adult. What’s happening for you that you would want to invite this into your life again?
Good job keeping yourself busy and connected with your friends and exercising! It sounds like you are still making sure you are living your life and moving forward, even without him – even though it’s difficult. Is it helping? How are you feeling about it all now? Sad? Angry? Hurt?
Heidi
Wow! What a beautiful picture you created for me about the adventurous coot. He would be an amazing character in a children’s book, right? Have you ever thought of doing something like that? Creating a children’s book with the real pictures that you take? You definitely love to tell stories and it’s a great platform!
I hope you enjoyed your massage and that your neck is feeling better. I’m sure all the stress of being there is hard on your body in many, many ways.
Still nothing on the horizon for a job? Wow! So many things that are unpredictable these days. March couldn’t come soon enough, right? But if you have nothing to come back to, then that’s not very fun either. One day at a time though. March is so close, but far away and so much can happen between now and then.
We are heading into holiday season now. I know they don’t do thanksgiving, but do they do Halloween at all? Are you seeing any Christmas lights yet? I’ve already put up my Christmas tree and decorated my patio with some of my lights. It makes me sooooooo happy!!! It’s such a beautiful time of year.
I probably should have asked him to stop touching me and explain I wasn’t comfortable with it What stopped you from speaking up and protecting yourself from his advances?
Oh No! There really is a lot of rain isn’t there? That really puts a damper on so many things. Are you still going to go? That airport sounds awful! Regardless, you really are developing some serious skills, having to learn how to navigate all this travel. It’s really impressive!!!
That’s interesting about your boss. So if you got to work from home (calgary), you would still work for him?
I’m assuming there are no other job opportunities or you would be mentioning that. When is the contract officially complete? March 2024? Or somewhere around there if I remember correctly, which I’m probably not.
I hope you are able to find a way to feel better!
Heidi
It’s my responsibility and I’m willing to pay the price in case I made mistake even trying things to work between us. I just want to be clear that I’m not saying to not do this. I’m suggesting to slow down your heart and your thinking. Opening your heart fully and completely and loving and committing everything you have towards a person you have never met is not protecting your heart very well. You say you don’t care and you want to risk it, but you WILL care when things don’t turn out the way you want. You WILL care if you have to recover from serious heartbreak. Just slow down and really keep your eyes open. A guy needs to EARN the right of your heart and although you feel he has done that so far, how he is treating you is quite childish and very unkind. Like I said before, BIG RED FLAG here. He is not working WITH you, he is instead hurting you and not caring that he is hurting. That’s one of the greatest problems of LDRs. A person can disappear and not have to face the challenges and the partner is just left to deal with the disappearance. It doesn’t matter if he is checking on you behind the scenes. He is not in relationship with your friends, he is in relationship with YOU and needs to be showing up as your PARTNER. Like I said, if he is doing this now, he will do it again.
I know there are so many great things about him or you wouldn’t love him. And I know you want all of those amazing things back. A relationship actually works and is long lasting based on how a couple treats each other in their worst, most challenging moments. Do they treat each other with respect? Do they work TOGETHER towards a common goal of resolution? Or do they disappear, stop communicating or get aggressive? It’s not the best parts of each other that makes a relationship, it’s the worst parts. Studies have shown this over and over and over. How a couple treats each other in the worst moments is what will make or break the success of the relationship.
So as amazing as he is, it’s important for you to ALSO understand that he isn’t. He is abandoning you. He is not communicating, he is not being direct, he is not being authentic and he is leaving you quite confused, all the while asking your friends about you. This IS part of him too. Is this something you are willing to love about him? Is this the kind of behavior you are willing to deal with forever? If he never changed this part and he acted like this every time he got upset enough about something, is this something you can accept about him and not expect him to change?
Let’s talk about this “needy” part that his friends see about you. Is there any truth to it? How were you needy? I’m guessing this is also part of the same energy that causes you to apologize so much. Where does this come from? Do you know why you are like this?
P.S Since we broke up my Ex sent a lot of quote that seemed related to me but maybe I’m tripping, things like “I prefer to have to have my nightmare with open eyes. Blinded by vanity yet able to secretly see what lies beyond the shadow and soul”
It’s probably not very healthy to stalk him like that..l which I’m working on it and it’s actually better than the beginning, I was crying every time I was stalking him on social media for some reason. How about you delete social media off of your phone and computer? What you are doing is NOT healthy for you. You are naturally going to turn everything he says into a story that your mind will make up – hence a lot of crying and always wondering if what he is writing is directed towards you. Give yourself a break and let yourself heal. Step away and give YOURSELF a break from the stalking. It’s natural to want to know what he is doing and saying on SM, but it’s causing you harm. I know you are getting “better” by not crying every time you look, but you are still stalking him and you are still creating stories about what he is writing and it’s all hurtful for you – crying or not. Is this something you are willing to do? Try it for a week? Try it for a day? Help yourself. Love yourself enough to not keep putting yourself in more pain than you already are.Keep giving him space, don’t post anything on social media about anything and stay away for a bit and set some standards for yourself as to how you want to be treated.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Okay then, it sounds like you are both clear on how to move forward. There must be some relief in that for you, yes?
No more confusing sex, no more wondering what each other is thinking and leaving the door open to meeting other people. Do you feel good about this?Heidi
Hi Anna,
Thank you for sharing all that you did. It’s ALL helpful, so please don’t feel like you have to apologize. Everything you write helps us to get to know you and your situation better.
So if I am to understand correctly, you actually have never met in person, correct?
I know how devastating this is. You feel like you have lost him and there is nothing you can do about it. LDRs are INCREDIBLY challenging for any couple, but then to add on top of that never having met, it just makes things incredibly shakey and unstable.
I still don’t have a clear understanding about why you guys broke up. It sounds like he is having reactions about things he actually has very little information about. His friends obviously had a great influence on him, but I still don’t really understand why there was an argument in the first place. Why did they think you were manipulative?
I do want to say that the whole social media “passive-aggressive” kind of posting needs to stop. Neither of you should be posting things to or about each other…ever. Social media is NOT a platform to communicate to your partner. I know you were hurting and I understand it was a way to accomplish something, but anything you say can be interpreted in different ways and have an effect that you didn’t intend on…which you are learning. Hopefully the lesson is learned!
There are a lot of red flags here. One being that he just doesn’t seem clear about what he wants and he seems to be quite pushy and aggressive. Why would he get upset that you got sick? I know you said it was a trigger for him, but that’s HIS issue, but somehow there was an argument about that. Why? He also asked for an unknown amount of space and got angry that you reached out and asked for clarification, already having given him PLENTY of space. Why? He seems quite pushy and you seem quite amendable. Where are YOUR boundaries? Where are YOUR needs being honored and listened to, by him? Brazilians tend to be quite strong personalities full of a TON of energy, which is just part of who they are, however it does not mean YOU need to give into that. They actually will have more respect for someone who stands up to them and doesn’t cower to their inflated responses to a situation. My guess is, you are VERY used to apologizing and trying to keep the peace with him, yes? I say this because you apologized a few times already in this post when there was no reason to apologize. That usually indicates someone who overuses apologies. This typically indicates co-dependency – meeting the needs of others at the expense of their own.
The entire flavor of how you explain things is all about getting him back and apologizing for EVERYTHING that makes him upset instead of holding him accountable to his own reactions and requiring more from him. It is NOT appropriate nor okay to say “I need space” and then disappear for who knows how long without any explanation or care about how that affects their partner. That is NOT a partner/team kind of decision. NO ONE would accept that nor feel okay about being treated that way, yet you backed down and allowed him to treat you this way.
He is giving you quite the insight to how he handles stress as well. When it’s stressful enough, regardless of his words or promises to always talk through things, he didn’t follow through on that. He didn’t do what he said he would do – he disappeared and then got angry with you when you asked for clarification. That is NOT someone who is caring about how he effects you. THat is someone who is just doing what they want, regardless of your feelings. That is NOT a partner. If he is doing this now, he is going to do it again and again and again and again and each time he does this, you are teaching him that you will deal with it and accept it. All of this has happened and you guys haven’t even met yet. Yikes!
This is risky business for sure! I dated a guy in college on and off for 3 years and I haven’t seen him since…until 2 months ago. For an entire year, he kept coming in and out of my life – he lived in a different state so it was a bit difficult to maneuver, but we did what you are doing…phone calls, VC calls and planned a few different visits that ended up not working out. The entire year, there were fireworks and we were having a lot of fun! Then we met for the first time after 25 years, about 2 months ago. I was shocked at how unattracted I was to him. Why? We spent 24 hours together and I saw how he FELT to me in person. He felt completely different than he did over those calls and texts. I left telling him we weren’t a match. I KNEW this guy VERY WELL from college and we had a lot of history together so I trusted our “virtual” connection. I learned NEVER to trust it. It’s NEVER the full picture of someone. It’s NEVER the full story about a person. It’s NEVER a clear, whole story about a person. All it is are bits and pieces of a person in a moment and that’s it.
I know you feel like you love him, but you guys BARELY know each other. I know trying to pull back the reins and slow things down is not what you want to do. I know you just want him back and I know you want to keep loving him. There is already some pretty big red flags/dysfunction in this relationship and that’s not even in person. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but I do want to encourage you to really slow down. You are soooooooo young and still have a lot to learn about love and relationships.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I imagine you are struggling health wise because you are drinking different water, eating different food with different organisms and you are stressed beyond stressed with your job. You are breathing different air, around different germs….your body is dealing with soooooo much!
Try drinking 32 oz of lemon or lime water right when you wake up. If you like honey, feel free to put LOCAL and RAW honey in it. 1/2 lemon or full lime per 32 ounces. This will help strengthen your immune system. These also help to kill bacteria in the water, so put as much lemon in your water all day long. Are you drinking enough water? You should be drinking around 1/2 your body weight in ounces of water per day. Are you taking vitamin C and zinc? Those are incredibly important to help support your immune system. Vimergy is an AMAZING brand. It’s clean and has nothing added to it that isn’t on the label (Most supplement companies add things that don’t have to be on the label)
Eat as many fruit and vegetables as you can. Maybe try making some smoothies??Just some things to think about. Hope this helps.
Your trip sounds like it was really fun except for that creepy guy! YUUUUUUKKKK! However, this is a good lesson, right? What would you have done differently to better protect yourself, looking back at it?
Heidi
Hi Jadene,
I wanted to address this particular part of your thought process.
I find myself wondering hopelessly whether a woman neglected by her father can ever change and if so how? This is not an unusual thought, as it can absolutely feel quite hopeless sometimes. I want to encourage you. Yes, it’s absolutely possible. I don’t believe that pain would exist without the possibility of healing. I grew up with a father who went far beyond neglecting me. He was a narcissist and abuser on the worst levels. I began my dating life with the pattern of only being attracted to the emotionally unavailable type – the ones that I had to chase to get attention. The nice guys, and I met plenty, I had the pattern of only being attracted to them for a maximum of 2 weeks. This went on for years and it frustrated me to no end because I knew exactly what I was doing, but couldn’t figure out how to shift this pattern within myself. I did it.How? Well, there is no one way to go about it, but the basic premise is that if you want to shift, you need to heal the wounds that are still very alive in you. Having a neglectful father means there are a lot of lies you believe about yourself, about love, about men that live within your psyche. You first have to understand that whenever there is trauma, it’s stored in the brain in state specific form. This means that moment, those thoughts, those feelings, those smells, every single detail gets stored in the brain AT THE AGE and mindset you are in that moment. So if there was a traumatic moment at 2 years old, everything you think, feel, believe about that moment gets stored with a 2 year old mentality. You know how you see grown adults arguing and yelling or being passive aggressive? It’s their little child acting out taking control – that little child that is carrying all unprocessed emotions from the past. Really long story short, that child energy keeps growing and growing and growing each time there is a traumatic event – and what qualifies as trauma? It’s different for each individual. So basically, when there is a lot of repetition of abandonment, rejection, neglect, abuse or whatever…there are a TON of lies, feelings, stories, beliefs, programs that get stored into the subconscious and end up completely running our lives – of which most people are not aware of. You know it’s little girl energy when you keep choosing something you know is not good for you. My guess is, these guys you keep picking start out okay, but then you discover they have their limitations, yet you keep trying to make it work. Yes? That is your little girl energy trying to get the attention of “daddy.” That is the little girl that is holding those feelings of abuse and carry many stories like “If I could only just get this guy who doesn’t want me, to finally want me…then I finally will be loveable. I finally will be worthy of love. I finally will be loved.”
Does this make sense? Does this help you understand what is happening?
It’s not that you are attracting any of these guys on purpose. All we can ever do is just go day by and day and make decisions according to the information we have. So what would shift is that WHEN you discover that a guy is not available, you walk away instead of staying in it trying to make it work. YOU choose yourself instead of trying to get the guy to choose you (who represents your father). Also, as you become more and more aware of yourself and much more familiar with the subconscious signs a guy throws out from the moment you meet, you can walk away MUCH faster.
This is where healing comes in. I KNEW what I was doing and why, but it didn’t change the pattern and the level of attraction I had. That’s because I hadn’t done enough healing yet. Healing, in simple terms, is connecting with your little girl thinking/energy, identifying the lies, the programs, the beliefs and the stories and releasing them. Once you release them, then you fill yourself up with the truth and essentially help that part of you integrate into being an adult…meaning that young part is now connected to the truth and can “grow up” so to speak. How to do that is up to you. There are MANY pathways and methods of healing and I’ve tried a gazillion of them. LOL. I still keep trying on different things to see what helps me shift. My coach however, is the only one who is really able to help me shift the BIG stuff. What’s important to understand is that you will be triggerable for the rest of your life. THat’s just normal and it’s just part of being human. What changes as you heal though, is you become much less triggerable AND when you do get triggered, you are able to heal much faster, because there is a lot less gunk to get through. I hundreds of hours in a specialized type of therapy trying to undo all the damage. I needed it. But now, I only need it every once in a while. I have come a loooooong ways. I absolutely have ZERO attraction to the unavailable guy and I am able to stick to my standards much more strongly. The people I am surrounded by are very high functioning. I have an incredibly peaceful and fulfilling life. I’ve had to work very hard for it, but now that I have it, I protect it with everything I have. I would much rather be alone, single or whatever than to spend anymore of my energy trying to get attention from limited people. I love myself now instead of trying to get someone else to love me.
I love this poem that explains the process of learning. It’s called the 5 chapter book:
Chapter 1: You’re walking down the street and fall in the hole.
Chapter 2: You’re walking down the street, see the hole and fall in anyways.
Chapter 3: You’re walking down the street, see the hole and walk around it.
Chapter 4: You cross the street.
Chapter 5: You don’t walk down the street at all.People get stuck the most in chapter 2. They see the hole – the issue, the problem, the addiction..whatever it is – and they do it anyways. What keeps people here, in the most basic and core way – is they are not in enough pain yet to do anything to shift the pattern of why the hole is there in the first place.
I have been on chapter 5 with the “dating emotionally unavailable guys” pattern for a good 10 years now. It’s wonderful!
I hope this gives you some hope and at the very least, some basic understanding about the pattern and how your father has contributed to it.
Let me know any questions you might have.
Heidi
i was feeling rather down. I wondered who i’d want to take care of me if i was sick like my aunt, Thank you for your kind words about my medical challenges. So far, no more surgeries are needed. There is potential, but I’m hoping it’s all complete. I understand your fear about surgery! I was exactly the same way. For 6 months I tried all kinds of natural methods and went into massive research mode trying to find every possible way to avoid the first surgery. It was interesting because I just said in my heart…Okay God…surgery feels like a “no” to me so let me know when it’s time to switch sides. Then one day…there just was a feeling of peace and clarity that showed up about having the surgery. The “no” when away. So then began the adventure – of course not knowing I had 4 other surgeries in the lineup. LOL. Oh well. I understand the feeling of “Who would take care of me?” What I’ve really learned is that people tend to show up in ways you wouldn’t expect. I could not believe how well taken care of I was. Most of my clients brought me food, walked my dog, donated money to help pay for my bills because I wasn’t able to work, people showed up to go on short walks with me, it was amazing! I was shocked. And I was also shocked how I felt open to all of it. I am incredibly independent and private. All the people that showed up and helped, were people I never wanted to “hang out” with nor wanted them to know more intimate details. My heart opened. I was vulnerable and I needed help and instead of resisting and “doing it all myself” I allowed myself to ENJOY receiving to the level that people gave. I am a much softer person after this past year. I even have a new best friend, who was one of the nurses who cared for me when I was in the PAC U for several days. What a gift! Basically, what I am saying is should you ever get into a situation where you need help like your aunt or like me, you will be provided for in ways you can’t even imagine.
Emotional dependence and support is also a whole other ball game – i am picky about who i seek out support from. Yes! As you should be. I wish people were more discerning about who they allow into their lives. Most people just allow their feelings to guide them without having awareness of what they are actually inviting into their lives. To be dependent on someone, there needs to be safety and trust and that takes time and experience to build.
But in order to be free to choose, one has to be FREE. If i am incapable of taking care of myself, i don’t have a choice about being dependent on someone – or someTHING – like the government! This is why i am focused on becoming free. I am open to being surprised by love. But i can’t sit around waiting for it, right? Okay…I get what you are saying. I understand your path and desire to be “free” and I understand that you are still open to love as well. I thought you were closed to love until you were free. I’m glad to know I misunderstood.
If i can’t enjoy my own body and life on my own, i’ll never be able to enjoy it with someone else! That’s how it seems to me Yes! I understand this feeling now. After all of these surgeries (1/2 my thyroid came out) I gained about 50 pounds. For the first time in my life, I can’t fit into my clothes. I mean I’ve fluctuated about 20 lbs, but this is a whole different ball game. It’s been quite the powerless feeling not being able to stop what was happening and trying to figure out how to help my body adjust to 1/2 a thyroid. All these feelings came up for me not wanting to date, not wanting to do anything except wear sweats and stay inside. Weight absolutely has an impact on how loveable a person feels. You are correct in wanting to enjoy your own body and if you can’t do that for yourself, you can’t do it with someone else. It’s been something I’ve been working with a lot over the past year.
So nice to talk with you!
Heidi
In my experience, people who all of a sudden lose interest – without any major or valid reason – are blocked due to their own baggage/woundedness – something you can do nothing about, and nor would you want to. I know he has his reasons in his head and I know you think it was because of the social drama with the laundry trip, but those are not truly valid reasons to disconnect from someone. It may feel like that in his mind, IF those are the reasons, but there are plenty of guys who wouldn’t lose feelings for you because of those reasons.
I doubt he even understands what is happening either. Most people have NO clue how much their subconscious influences what they are feeling. I remember beginning in high school when I really started to date, I would like a “nice” guy for 2 weeks, yet I would hold onto dear life to the “bad boy” type. I eventually noticed this pattern after happening enough times which then caused me to start questioning myself and what was influencing me. Each time, there was NOTHING that a nice guy did to truly cause me to lose feeling. The trigger was, they were nice. I learned that I could only take that nice guy treatment for a couple of weeks before I completely became disinterested. I learned that the bad boys were entertaining and engaging and completely frustrating for me – and of course, rejecting sometimes and embracing other times – always unpredictable. I have a mother who is a therapist so she was teaching me along the way about my subconscious patterning and the dynamics that were happening. My point is, him losing his feelings is most likely coming from a much deeper, subconscious place that he is not connected to nor understands. Yes, he has his surface reasons as to why he lost interest, but I doubt those are the core reasons. People mostly live their lives following their feelings without really questioning where their feelings are coming from. When it comes to love and romance and intimacy, many times those feelings are sourced by a very wounded, fearful part of them.
So it sounds like it’s probably best to stay friends and REALLY get to know him and really observe him. Being friends is a great space that allows you to be much more discerning and cautious with your heart.
Heidi
