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As I said before, My Ex is my first love, maybe I don’t know what is love, but It does feel like I love him. Of course you love him! There are many variations of love and it’s unique to each person and couple. The thing is, love can also be a wounded kind of love. I call it trauma love. It’s where bonding occurs (one-sided or by both people) more through wounded energy and trying to resolve past feelings. A simple example, and a very common example, is a girl who keeps falling for guys who are unavailable. Why? She grew up with father who was neglectful or a narcissist and didn’t create a safe emotional space for her growing up. Being that an environment like that creates a BIG hole in the mind/heart of that girl, she tries to fill it by dating guys who are similar to her father – the unavailable type. The psyche will falsely believe that “if I can finally get this emotionally unavailable guy to love me, then I am finally loveable.” It’s the mind/heart trying to resolve and heal from the hole that was created by an emotionally unavailable father. This girl will feel love for a guy who isn’t good for her, but it’s more the type of love that comes from that empty hole inside her – it’s a wounded love. People very rarely know the difference, because love feels like love. However, there is one question that will expose the truth about the kind of love it is. “Is it loving to ME to love this guy?” A healthy love has to be earned. A healthy love is developed over time and through a lot of experiences together. A healthy love starts out discerning and is kind and respectful to BOTH people. The love you feel for this guy is built A LOT on fantasy. You have never met him. You have created an idea in your mind about who he is, from fantasy and conversations. The truth is, you have a very small, tiny idea of who he is, but your brain will turn those tiny pieces into BIG pieces and create this feeling of love in you. So the love you feel, although very real and all consuming, has a lot of limitations to it. Now that you are learning about a new side to him and what he is capable of, you still want to keep sourcing your love and you still want to keep loving him. I know that before this moment, you felt very cared about, nourished and wonderful. Now, there is new information that doesn’t negate all those wonderful thing, but it does negate the quality of the relationship now.
I have another question, Do you think when the 30 days “No contact” will end there is anything I can do to check or confirm without sounding desperate if he still think or care about me,
Can you help me on this one? I’m a little confused. You ask this question, but also say this: No more, if I want to set standards for myself I need to build my Self-confidence properly, So which is it? What do you want?I know that he doesn’t deserve this love and care of my side but I can’t help, if I want to let him go completely I need clear answers, not half-assed one he gave me :/
Will you help/guide me to write a proper question or statement message? This is not true. This is you trying to get something from HIM so you can feel better and make the pain go away. We all do it. We all want answers to our questions so we can more clearly deal with the hurt caused by the other person. AND…it’s not necessary. I can’t tell you how many times I have released and healed from hurt, heartbreak or some kind of pain caused by someone that I was not able to get answers from. That is me being empowered. That is me sourcing myself and NOT relying on anyone else to help me feel better and heal. You have everything within you that you need to heal….without answers from him. This is a golden opportunity, because this will not be the last time in your life that this happens. It will happen with friends, it will happen at work, it will happen MANY times in your life where someone will hurt you and then won’t be available to talk with – for whatever reason. So learning NOW how to heal WITHOUT the help of the offender apologizing or helping you understand their choice, is a GOOD thing.
Look at it this way…does it REALLY matter what his reasons are? I’m sure his reasons would help you understand a little better, but it DOES NOT change how he has disregarded you and shut you out so quickly. His reasons do not change his actions. Even if he were to apologize over and over and beg for your forgiveness, it won’t change that his coping mechanism under high enough level of stress is to run away. This coping mechanism will be a part of him forever, so he will just do it again and again and again. The only way to really change any of our coping mechanisms that cause harm to us or to another, is to recognize it, understand where it’s coming from and how it works and teaching yourself a new way to deal with the stressors. There is A LOT that goes into shifting coping mechanisms. Mine is exactly like his. I want to run. That feelings has NEVER gone away, no matter how much healing or clearing I do. What has changed though, is I’ve learned other ways to manage that feelings. I have a skillset I’ve developed over the years to help me stay present and walk through a situation with someone instead of running. I’ve had to apologize a million times in my life for causing so much harm by my running away – and I always meant it, but the urge and behavior never really changed until I really faced it straight on. Just something to think about. So back to your question…any reason he offers you, is just the surface reason anyways. The true reason he has run is because deep down he is terrified. Of what? Who knows. But we all run when the fear is big enough. It’s our system protecting us from something we believe is danger – but remember none of this is from a conscious place. The majority of people DO NOT understand their coping mechanisms…they just respond to whatever they feel and rationalize it in their minds. So his reasons don’t matter. You can heal and release this love WITHOUT him by loving yourself through this. It’s you parenting your little girl saying to her “I know you don’t want to let him go. I know the love felt so amazing and wonderful, but it’s time to walk away now. I will love you. I will take care of you. I will make sure your heart feels good again. It’s time to close the door and say goodbye.”
Another way to look at this and why it’s not a good idea to chase after answers from him, is there is a strong possibility that you will have to go through a bunch of rejection again. Many times, when people confront someone who is a runner, they open their hearts only to get stabbed AGAIN. It hurts like crazy and that is NOT protecting your vulnerable, sacred, fragile heart. You need to heal, NOT get re-injured by a guy who doesn’t have the ability to care enough about your heart to have a healthy, adult conversation about how he is feeling. If he couldn’t do it the first time around, you really think he can do it with you chasing after him for answers? You are trying to get a resolution about the rejection from the guy who is rejecting you.
If this is what you want to do, you get to. I have done this many times over the years – even though I KNEW I was being lazy and I wanted the guy to fix my pain instead of doing it myself. I’ll just warn you, the odds that you are setting yourself up to be rejected all over again is likely. But maybe that is what you need to feel to truly let go and know this guy isn’t right for you. AND…of course I am not a perfect predictor, so I could be wrong. If you want to reach out, you can say something like “I really would love to talk. I am really confused and would love your help answering just a few questions. I’m not trying to get back together. I’m actually just trying to get some understanding. I don’t want to fight or argue, I just want to have a good conversation and hopefully create a more peaceful ending and resolution. Would you be willing?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Here are more specfic things you can do to help your immune system.
1. Drink 32 oz. of lemon water each morning. Our live works A LOT throughout the night, especially from 2-4am. Being that it is a filter, it collects all kinds of toxins each night that it wants to dump out of the body. This is where the lemon water comes in. If you drink that when you wake up, it helps support the liver to flush those toxins out of the body. Squeeze 1/2 lemon per 32 oz. If you want to do more, that’s fine. You can also put a little honey in it. Make sure it’s local and raw.
2. Do not eat any fat until noon. The moment you eat fat, the liver instantly has to start working again and stops the flushing/cleansing process, so giving your liver a nice break until noon, will give it a good amount of time to rest a bit before starting to work really hard again. After my lemon water, I typically do some kind of fruit and veggie smoothie (no protein powders or anything else – just food and water or coconut water) or I will do some kind of oatmeal or quinoa hot cereal with fruit and syrup. No fat mornings can be tough for people who are used to eggs or meats to fill them up. Going fat free will make a HUGE difference in how you feel and will support your immune system super well!
3. Zinc and vitamin C are some of the best immune supporters – especially together. However, like anything, the quality and type are important. I don’t know how well you know the company that makes your vitamins. What I DO know is that anything that is a pill form vs. a capsule, stay away from. Also, supplement companies (at least here in the U.S.) don’t have to list everything that is in the pill or liquid, so many times there are toxic elements in supplements. I personally order from Vimergy (you can order direct or from Amazon – not sure if you guys use amazon there) Their standards are incredibly high, they offer capsule and liquid form, everything is listed on the bottle, it’s all alcohol and gluten-free and they use organic, high quality sources. I’m not sure if they ship to France, but if they do, it’s a company you can trust. The moment you start feeling sick, you can do zinc shock therapy where you take 2 full dropperfuls (the zinc from Vimergy is liquid) every 3 hours and do that for 2-3 days. 99% of the time, you will knock the immune system into super high gear and get rid of the sickness.
Hope this helps!
It sounds like 1 guy is at least interesting. You’ll have to let me know how it goes!
Wow….37! How does that make you feel? Excited? A little sad? Nothing really? I always end up doing a year review of my life. What have I done with the past year and what am I wanting to accomplish in the next year. Sometimes, it’s a tough year review. I’d love to hear your answers to the those questions if you feel like sharing.
Heidi
I’m writing a lot, I know.
I’m not going to apologize again tho 🙂
Thanks for answering so fast as well ^^ YAYAYAYA! Good job! I’m proud of you for NOT apologizing!!!Since you are exploring confidence, you may resonate with this book: https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
She also has non-linear movement classes she does online that can be really powerful for releasing negative thoughts and feelings, pain, heartache etc. Maybe check it out!To be honest, I’m still trying not to put my Ex before me, when I said others I didn’t include my Ex in this category, but maybe I should change this kind of mindset. Yes! It’s important to switch around your mindset. YOU are the only one responsible for your happiness. Your heart is sacred and beautiful and a treasure to be taken care of, protected and valued. You are the owner, the guardian, the hands that hold your heart. It’s YOUR job to nurture it, know what it needs, know how to keep it alive and well nourished and most of all, protected. By making HIM more important than you, that means you are stepping aside and leaving your heart exposed to rejection, abandonment and you are literally walking away from your heart so you can go take care of HIS heart. So then who is going to take of your heart? In relationships, it’s CRUCIAL that BOTH people stay with their own hearts. They NEVER leave it to go take care of the other person’s heart. You always bring your own heart with you into every single situation. You abandoning yourself for him only brings hurt to you, imbalance to the relationship and he will lose respect for you. A healthy man wants a woman who doesn’t abandon herself. A healthy man wants a woman who values herself more than anything. A healthy man needs to know that his woman can take care of herself. A healthy man wants a woman who has standards and REQUIRES his very best treatment of her. A healthy man treats her heart with respect and care – even in the worst moments. This is what you have to look forward to if you are willing to allow yourself to have this kind of experience with a man IN PERSON.
If this is the kind of experience you want, then working on your confidence is WONDERFUL! It’s safe to be confident. It’s safe to love yourself. It’s attractive to know your value. It’s attractive to have standards as to how you are treated and how you treat other people. It’s amazing to see a woman align with her beauty. It’s your time to flourish now and really connect to your own inner power, strength, beauty, wisdom and divine feminine light. All us ladies carry something very special inside and when we finally learn how to embrace it, activate it and become it, it changes everything!
I wish he could see how much I changed since the break up, at first I was very emotional and almost on the depressed side now I’m more happy and positive (at most part) still a lot of work to do with myself, I’m getting there. I know you wish for that. I know you feel like you love him and you want him to be proud of you. This is you seeking HIS approval when you need to be offering that to yourself. You are looking TO HIM to help yourself feel better and fix the pain instead of relying on yourself, loving yourself, protecting yourself and keeping yourself safe from a guy who doesn’t value you. I know getting that embrace from him would feel so much better, but it’s honestly just putting a bandaid on a pretty big wound. This wound you have needs a delicate touch, tender love and care, it needs to be cleaned out and stitched up….all by YOU!!! Not him. That’s not his job. This is how you build self-confidence. THis is how you strengthen your relationship with yourself. This is how you support yourself when those around you don’t have the ability for whatever reason. You got this Anna! You CAN release this love and heal from it. You CAN get through this heartache. You CAN develop your confidence. One day at a time.
Heidi
I’m curious to hear how your trip works out! As much as you are freaking out, you always somehow figure out how to land on your feet.
Glad things are going better with Bob. I hope they stay that way!
Oh! October 1 Thanksgiving eh? Is it called that too? Being that it’s not as big as in the states, what do people typically do? Is there a turkey? Do people decorate at all?
Yes, my decorations are always early 🙂 People have a lot of thoughts about that. LOL Your deck sounds wonderful! It sounds like a place to hang out and be very peaceful!
Heidi
I’m glad you feel less pain and feel “unblocked.”
If you give him the car to drive, what will you drive? Do you not need the car?
Heidi
I’m glad you finally feel some clarity and understanding of how to move through the HI signals.
I didn’t respond originally to your suggestions for how to heal my core wounds because I’m a little vague on what exact steps I need to take to do that. The best and fastest way to heal your core wounds is to work with a therapist who specializes in what you are dealing with. I would suggest NOT doing talk therapy, but instead find a therapist with additional skillsets like EMDR, hypnotherapy, brainspotting or some other technique that works with the subconscious. You can go to emdr.com to find a therapist possibly in your area. I know a lot of people are doing online work now, so you can find someone outside of where you live. If that is not what you want to do, I would suggest starting to read and educate yourself. A lot of books also have skills/healing techniques you can bring into your life to help move the needle a bit. What I do know though, is that there are just some things we carry deep inside that we are not able to access on our own and we need a “guide” to help us get there, navigate it and celebrate us as we work through it. I always have a coach I work with to help me with the areas that I just cannot shift on my own.
Here are a few books that may resonate for you.
It sounds like you’re saying that the decision to stop pursuing success with men like Jeremy, who are unavailable unrelated to me, is a matter of accepting aloneness and seeking my own joys. It’s more than just accepting aloneness, it’s working with the story you have about being alone. There is something about being “alone” that it seems you are struggling with. It seems like you are in a place of really wanting love in your life to help you enjoy your life more. What if you already enjoyed your life fully and completely while being alone? I’m alone a lot as well. I do not have a partner and have not had one in quite a while AND I LOVE my life. Every once in a while I crave companionship and that always is a symptom of my subconscious telling me that I have some needs I am not paying attention to within myself. For the most part though, I feel very fulfilled, loved, cared about, connected and peaceful. Do I want a man to fall in love with and take a long journey through life together? Absolutely! I can’t wait to meet him! But it’s not something I crave or seek out, nor is it something I feel I “need.”
I overhear and glance up at all the groups and couples surrounding me. I’ve been in this spot many times and felt the hurt and emptiness in my own life as I watched others with their partners. It doesn’t have to feel like that though. Now, it doesn’t even phase me. I LOVE watching couples now and how they interact and connect. I learn, I enjoy, I wish them well in my heart and it doesn’t activate a need to have what they have.
This is a part of you that looks over and wants what “they” have because you are craving to be loved. That is a part of you that needs some attention and love from YOU. Imagine that part of you as a little girl and she needs YOUR attention, not a man’s attention. She needs YOU to talk with her, validate her, listen to her and support what she has to say and feel. She also needs you to take control and stop her from going after unavailable men – she is just trying to get love, but from unhealthy sources. So like a parent would do with their child, they say “No, you cannot have that. It’s not good for you. I will take care of you. I will love you.”Heidi
There is nothing more you should be doing. Just keep your distance and let him come to you IF HE WANTS. If a guy wants to be with you, HE WILL LET YOU KNOW. If he doesn’t want to be with you, he won’t make the effort. You DO NOT want to have to convince a guy to be with you. You want a guy to NATURALLY have something within him, that makes him want to be with you. A guy is able to connect to that part of him only IF the woman gives him the space. If you ask him questions and try to convince him to talk to you, you will fill him with irritation AGAIN and he will step away. So STAY AWAY and give him space. That is all you need to do. If he asks you something, then you can respond, but DO NOT initiate conversation with him.
I know you feel like you should be doing more, but there is nothing more you can do. There was so much damage that has occurred over the past year, it’s VERY important you just let him reach out to you for once and DO NOT reach out to him about anything!
Heidi
I think it’s much harder for people to receive than it is to give. Yes! Yes! Yes! 100% true. I love your awareness around this!
that i’m one of the best tenants and life happens and there’s no deadline for me. i was totally blown away. I don’t see any of my neighbors as problem tenants. Oh my!!! This brought tears to my eyes!!! Connection BEFORE money. Appreciation BEFORE money!!! Wow! I love that you got to have this experience!!!! I love that you are feeling softer as well. Doesn’t it feel wonderful???
What kind of things do you consider ‘intimate details’? for me, health related stuff doesn’t feel intimate at all. It’s heart related stuff that feels intimate to me. Good question! Healt related stuff for me is more personal because I am a Strength Coach. I help people every day in the gym, I help them be healthy, I help them handle their bodies, their life, their stressors – so to be open about my body breaking is hard for me. Heart related stuff I am more open about. LOL. We are funny, aren’t we? Ultimately, it’s all quite silly. In the end, it’s what we think and feel about ourselves that makes or breaks our day.
you were able to let in people whom you normally wouldn’t hang out with — that’s a kind of test that i don’t want to even be tested with. lol 🙂 I did this because I actually NEEDED to. My medical issues gave me an opportunity to step into my fears – and that’s what I’m about as a person – and so are you. I have no doubt that despite your resistance, you would also step into it. That’s who you are!
I probably wouldn’t talk to you either, if you weren’t so far away and invisible to me! lol 🙂 I totally get it! I know it’s scary and I am honored you trust me in the way you do. I know you don’t see the value of opening up to a woman, but the right kind of woman would enjoy the journey with you and inspire you to WANT to share with her. Those are the only women in my life. I have high standards and each of my close friends meet those standards and I meet their standards. We are open hearted with each other BECAUSE it is safe. It’s wonderful!
So – even though i know i carry some kind of wound that keeps women out — i’m not interested in changing that. And i’m afraid that God will heal me of that wound in spite of myself. lol 🙂 This is interesting for you to say. How come? Why would you NOT want healing?
Whenever i see a woman who is as out of shape as myself or larger than me, but full of confidence and sure of herself, I want to ask so badly – “HOW do you do it when you are so fat?” — but i know that’s not a good way to ask that question. Got any ideas?! lol hahahaha! OMG! I am seriously laughing because I have said the very same thing in my mind a million times! I think it’s a normal thing to think and wonder. The answer is self-love. It’s learning how to love ALL of you, even your limitations. It’s learning how the fat is serving you and appreciating the protection it is providing for you. Fat, even physiologically, acts as a protective mechanism against acids that would damage your organs and tissues. Fat, emotionally, acts as protection against attention, protection against intimacy, protection against spiritual advancement – fat, in general, is a protective mechanism and is here to help us, not hurt us. It holds a message for each of us. Have you ever talked to your fat?
I learned that i’m naturally a belly breather and that pushes out my belly muscles! SO, i focus on chest breathing when i walk, when i wake up or before i go to bed, or anytime during the day when i become aware of my breathing. One of the first things i noticed when i forced myself to use my chest muscles for breathing is how my belly goes in and during exhale and holds my spine stable, without having to hold my breath! I really like how my body feels when i’m walking while breathing with my chest muscles. I don’t feel flabby! LOL! It’s 100% okay to belly breathe and push your belly muscles out. That is what is supposed to happen and how we were designed to breathe. I want to guide you in a different direction. Chest breathing causes all kinds of issues in the body, most of the time, years down the road. I’ve studied breathing quite a bit. Here are a series of videos to help you understand your breathing more. Hopefully this helps. I’m happy to talk more about this if you want. I’m not sure if it’s too scientific for you, in some of the videos, but maybe it will help you explore a little more.
I’ve also been massaging myself. I’ve almost fully gotten rid of a shoulder issue. In the past 2 weeks, i noticed a change in my belly – it has been feeling swollen – so i wondered if i’m experiencing some inflammation. there’s no pain. but it’s not caving in as much as it used to 2 weeks back, when i exhale. And when i massage my belly, i feel the pressure of my hands in a different way. Today, i felt my uterus. It’s most likely swollen a bit, because it has polyps in it. But i thought it may have shriveled up by now, because i haven’t bled in 4 or 5 months. SO – i was quite surprised to find myself bleedin today. Interestingly, i wasn’t upset. I’m just curious as to what my body is upto? I would talk to a doctor about this! Not bleeding for that long could be a dangerous thing. Have you checked into it?
Chronic should issues could more have to do with the organs connected to it. The left should is more connected (neurologically to the stomach/heart) and the right shoulder is connected to the liver. SO it’s not unusual for someone to have chronic should pain, but the dysfunction is actually in the organ, not the shoulder.
Great massage videos! Working with the abdominal region is really helpful a lot of times. There are so many techniques out there, right? I love that you are exploring what works for you!
How are the holidays shaping up for you? I love the leaves changing right now. Soooooo beautiful and definitely putting me in the mood for hot drinks and holiday lights.
Heidi
I come first and then the others. YES YES YES!!! I LOVE that you are really connecting to this and starting to practice this more in your life. It’s self-love to make sure you are sourced first, before sending out your energy to others. This is how you are the most powerful and impactful in the world and in relationships.
but you see I want to understand him, even if it’s one-side which I still wish to see if I can wake up his hero Instinct, I just want to point out that this statement here is actually the complete opposite of I come first and then the others.. This is you putting YOURSELF aside – by not caring that he doesn’t have any interest in understanding you – and still wanting to source the love. A question I always like to ask is “Is it loving TO ME, to love this person?” So let’s put that to the test here. Is it loving TO YOU, to love a guy who isn’t interested in understanding you? Is it loving TO YOU, to keep building a love with a guy who disappears when things get hard enough or uncomfortable enough? Is it loving TO YOU, to keep putting in all your efforts for a guy who isn’t putting in his efforts towards you?
It’s actually because it’s very unlike him to act like that,I wish to know what is going on with him I know this is not his normal pattern, but you barely know him in the big picture. You haven’t even met him in person yet. So…that means there are a TON of things you don’t know about him. So even though this response is not what you typically experience with him, it’s coming out now, so you are learning something new about him. You now know what he is capable of. You now know that he has the ability to break his word and break his integrity. You now know that he has the ability to completely disconnect from you without explanation. You now know that he is able to be influenced by his friends. So…this is a new side of him that you are seeing and experiencing, which means he can do it again and again and again, regardless of how much you love each other. Love is not the question here. It’s HOW HE FUNCTIONS under stress that is causing this. It’s his coping mechanism that develops as a child and will part of him FOREVER. So even IF you understood why he is acting like this, it’s not going to change how much it hurts you, it’s not going to change his behavior and it’s going to continue to sabotage connection.
even if it’s one-side which I still wish to see if I can wake up his hero Instinct Your’e okay with one-sided? You say this statement and then also say this: It doesn’t mean I’m not going to set some standards to myself about how I want to be treated. These statements ALSO contradict each other. You want to set standards as to how you are treated, yet you are okay if it’s one-sided? What standards are you wanting to create here?
Let’s keep talking about this!
Heidi
Hi! I’m excited for your housewarming party! And I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you are continuing your bakery challenge 🙂
Covid 3x??? Wow! Are you doing anything on a daily basis to strengthen your immune system? Is it normal for you to get sick this many times? I’m glad the guy was understanding. Are you online dating again?
Yay!!! Your birthday!!! What age are you turning?? How many people are coming?
Things are good on my end. It’s the fall season, so the beautiful colors are in full bloom! I LOVE living in Colorado!
Heidi
Hi Tavshad,
The advice I would give is to continue to stay away. Like I said in the last post, your response was great and leave it at that. You need to build trust with him again and the best way to do that is to SHOW him you can respect his boundaries and NOT bombard him with messages about wanting to talk. I know this seems opposite of what you think, but you have broken his trust by OVER reaching out to him. So you build trust back by UNDER reaching out to him.
I don’t know what his strategies are. I am not him. He may have been drunk, who knows. Either way, it doesn’t matter and it’s a waste of time trying to GUESS what someone else is doing and feeling. NO ONE knows except for him, so your job is to just deal with REALITY instead of a made up story about what he is thinking or feeling.
Heidi
I will answer directly in your format and see if this helps bring more understanding.
– Damsel in Distress signal – TEMPLATE: “May I please ask your advice really quick? It won’t take long.” (Polite request for his advice, engaging core need to be hero.) This is your template to use when you first reach out. If and when he responds, you just have something ready for him to help you with. From what it sounds like, you have practiced this one quite a bit and it sounds like he IS engaging, but he still isn’t feeling like a “hero” like you want him to. Like I previously said, it’s NOT because you are doing it wrong – it’s a much bigger issue that is not something you can fix for him.
– Private Island signal – TEMPLATE: Can you help me with [tiny thing tied to hero instinct]? Can you help me with [slightly more involved thing tied to hero instinct]? Can you help me with [larger favor tied to hero instinct]? – question about this is what is the frequency The frequency depends on the type of relationship you have and what his responses are to your requests. I would space them out though. When you start asking too frequently (a few times a week), it may end up backfiring. You need to use your intuition on this one and just see what happens one day at a time. Right now, you guys have agreed to be friends, so keep building the friendship. YOu have already requested quite a bit from him, so maybe take a break for a few weeks? and what sorts of favors would I ask this particular guy as an example I have to work with in my life right now I can’t decide this for you. This is where you have to get creative with what you can ask for help with. As I previously mentioned, it can be as simple as asking for advice about a restaurant or as complex as helping you build a burm. I don’t know your life, nor his skillset, so this is something I cannot help you with as each woman and each guy and each relationship is unique and different. You just have to try some things out and see what works and what doesn’t work.
– Glimpse phrase signal – TEMPLATE: What do you think might happen if [we threw caution to the wind] and took the time to [pursue mutually-beneficial activities together]? You can fill in the blank with an activity you want to do with him (you guys talked about reforesting which is the perfect example of an activity with you doing something together in the future). Think about this as a way to just plan doing things together. You want to engage his thoughts of “planning WITH you.” Whether it changes his fears about his failure in relationships or not, is about HIM and not you, so let go of the end result of trying to get him to be what you want and just let him be what HE needs right now. If you just keep your focus on building pleasurable memories and experiences together, like trading massages and reforesting, you are adding pleasurable ideas to the connection.
– I.O.U. signal TEMPLATE: [“wouldn’t you say you’re the kind of person who goes after what he wants in life? Someone who’s willing to do what it takes to have the best life has to offer?”..“Good, because I’d like to have a discussion where we are honest with each other about what we really want in life. It might feel a bit awkward, but I figure you’re the kind of person who’s willing to go through some awkwardness if it moves us toward the best life possible.”] With this guy, I would stay away from this for right now. He is dealing with some pretty big low self-esteem issues and fears. Having a potentially awkward conversation at this stage, means he might step back. You guys have agreed to be friends, so hang out there for a while and focus on continuing to just build the connection. Let him have some time to deal with his fears and feelings of being a failure before stepping into an awkward conversation about the direction of the relationship. You guys JUST decided the direction, so I would suggest waiting at least a month (maybe longer – I don’t know) before revisiting that conversation.
I hope I was able to answer your questions and bring more clarity.
Heidi
I feel sad and disappointed at having feelings for another unavailable man. I know it’s incredibly frustrating. Now is your chance to say “no” and start to shift the pattern though. It’s about you starting to make different choices for yourself and setting yourself up for success by NOT stepping into another situation where you will be rejected.
I feel good about preserving our friendship. You want to preserve the “friendship” with a guy who is unavailable that you have feelings for. I’m glad you feel good about this. It’s also important for you to understand that this is NOT a friendship. You guys may choose not to be intimate anymore, but it doesn’t mean the emotional intimacy isn’t there. You both have feelings for each other, so the friendship part is more of an illusion than anything.
I feel afraid I won’t meet any other men but he will meet other women. (He did decide to do a sex cleanse related to his sense of failing at relationships.) Step into your fear. Find out who you are by letting this go and being okay alone again. If another man doesn’t come along for a while, that’s okay! Learning to fill up your life with lots of friends, activities, self-love and whatever else you want to create is MUCH better than staying with an unavailable guy who is rejecting you because of his own fears he isn’t willing to face. Wouldn’t you rather be alone and peaceful and drama free than with a guy you will end up spinning your wheels on?
I feel overwhelmed and hopeless at the prospect of somehow mysteriously “healing” my subconscious program of trying to get unavailable men to love me. I have no idea how to do that at all. Mysteriously? How is it a mystery? I explained, in quite a bit of detail, about how healing happens and invited you into a conversation about that. You didn’t respond to any of what I said about that nor asked any further questions, so I assumed you weren’t interested. All you seem to be interested in is figuring out a way to get another unavailable man to love you with the HI signals. You want to heal? You STOP yourself from trying anything with an unavailable man and you step into your fears. You STOP engaging with him and choose to love yourself MORE than the limited and VERY confusing connection you have with him. If you are not ready to make that kind of choice, then you are just not in enough pain yet to make a different decision. It really is that simple. People who come from abuse, trauma, neglect etc. have a VERY high emotional pain tolerance….it helps you survive when you are younger, but then hurts you when you are older.
I feel a thin shred of hope at having heard a section of the ebook audio in my car last night that felt more deeply relevant after Jeremy literally told me he is failing at relationships, that he doesn’t see a need in me he can provide for and doesn’t feel a need to be a man with me. The section was on behavioral conditioning and the action step was to show increased affection when he does what I want then gradually reserve that for increasing levels of him giving. You keep wanting to spend all of your energy and focus on HIM – a guy who believes he is failing at relationships and that he doesn’t feel he needs to be a “man” with you. Those are HIS insecurities and not for YOU to fix with some technique. Sure, you can show increased affection, but if he is an empty vessel within himself in the love category – which he is – you will be needing to show affection for the rest of your life because YOU will become his source of self-esteem instead of HIM becoming his own source. He needs to feel like a man, whether you need him or not! That’s crucial for ANY relationship to last.
I am still waiting for help creating templates after asking many times. My list is clear, organized, and took some time to create. I signed up for this forum to get help extracting templates, so I would appreciate it if a coach would help me with this. I thought I had addressed all of this with my previous reply below. Is this not what you were looking for? If not, then what is missing?
question about this is what is the frequency and what sorts of favors would I ask this particular guy The frequency varies according to the kind of connection you have. Being that he is more of a friend, asking these kinds of favors every once in a while is better. The smaller favors are not that impactful/time consuming nor threatening. So you can ask for the small favors more frequently, like a few times per month – and see what his response is. Going out on a 4 wheeler excursion is great! He already offered and it’s something that is fun for him as well. You can phrase it something like “Hey…you once offered this adventure. I’ve really been wanting to go see more of this area and you would be the perfect person to show me things I know I would probably miss. Are you up for that tour soon? The firepit and bobcat thing are BIG requests. Maybe pick one? I would get a feel for him first and see if those are the kind of projects he would know how to do or even want to do. You can fish around with saying something like “Ya…I looked up the cost to rent a bobcat to make my berm and swale sets better. Do you have any ideas that I might not be thinking about? The guy said the bobcat is easy to run and work – so I’m sure I can figure it out. Do you know how? Would you be willing to teach me?” Maybe that will draw him into helping you even more.
Talking about your future together and “planting seeds” can be a bit tricky with a guy who doesn’t see himself with you. It already happened though when you guys talked about reforesting, right? So I would suggest talking about those kinds of projects. He doesn’t seem to be scared of those. It feels like he would enjoy talking about the future with you as long as it isn’t about a relationship or romance. At least not yet. Keeping it more neutral is good! You guys can plan things together that you both love and are passionate about and keep building the friendship.
The IOU signal I would suggest to stay away from with this guy…for now. It’s more about relationship talk where the other signals are not. The other signals are more indirect and about building connection and experience together, but the IOU signal is more direct and about building the relationship specifically. You guys aren’t there yet.
Why are none of my HI signals triggering his emotions, his HI yet? Your HI signals are not working because he has A LOT of low self-esteem. This not about you, this is about HIM. You can’t fix him Jadene. You keep spending a TON of energy trying to get him to move forward with you AND at the same time you want to face this pattern of yours of not doing this anymore. Well…here’s your chance. He is an unavailable guy. Yes, you have feelings, but as you have already learned, that’s just not enough. Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. So you can say no to your feelings and choose to let the idea of this guy go, or you can spend more and more time with him, become more bonded and then end up in another messy relationship.
He says he is failing with relationships like he just can’t win lately, and he brushes aside my efforts with statements that seem to say he doesn’t feel like my hero or even a man around me. This is HIS low self-esteem that has lived with him for many years. You didn’t create this in him, so it’s important that you don’t take responsibility. Just because he isn’t responding the way you want, doesn’t mean it’s your fault. James wrote that the signals may not work at first because a woman isn’t good at using them yet. There are MANY reasons why HI signals don’t work and this is just one of them. Every situation is different and unique, so it’s impossible to list all the reasons something doesn’t work. I want to invite you to step outside of this black and white kind of thinking. You have this mentality that if you do the “right” thing, it should yield a certain kind of result and simply is not true when it comes to love. This kind of thinking will break your heart over and over and over again when a guy hurts you, lets you down, doesn’t show up for you – even when you are doing everything “right.” Even with the very best, most nourishing kind of love – your guy is going to break your heart with some of the decisions he makes – and vice versa. Sometimes it is cause and effect and sometimes it’s not. You need to expect BOTH.
Heidi
Hey there! My opinion is that it means absolutely nothing. Do not read into this – you will only torture yourself with all kinds of made up stories that your mind will grab onto – I’m sure that process has already begun. Let it go and don’t turn this very small and insignificant question into anything more than what it is…nothing!
Your response what PERFECT! Remember, it was when you were so pushy to talk to him that you caused irritation in him and made him want to block you. He needs to know that he can reach out to you and ask a question without you wanting to start a full on conversation with him. Hopefully you didn’t say anything further. Keep giving him space which will let him know you can respect his space and not cross his boundaries again. He may or may not reach out again. Who knows! But it needs to come from him, NOT YOU! Are you able to do that?
Hi Anna,
I understand that you are skeptical. That’s good! It means you have a discerning mind and that’s important. What I love about this course is that there are a lot of different tools and concepts you can learn from. Even though some of it might not apply directly to you, it may apply in a different situation. The idea is to take these concepts and make them your own. The 12 word text for example, is just a simple way to ask for help. If you understand the core concept about activating the hero instinct, you can then make it your very own and you can start practicing it more and more in ANY relationship. These concepts are suitable to any woman, as they are ideas about how to create a connection. However, the results vary according to each unique situation AND even if these tools end up reconnecting 2 people, it doesn’t change the core problems of the relationship in the first place.
This course will help you with yourself. It’s a way to learn how to be more effective in relationship and how to understand men a little more. And you’re right, his way of not communicating me and being this way is very unkind and childish. If you believe this to be true, then I wonder what would make you want any of this to work with him? This means there is a part of you still wanting to bring him back into your life, despite his inability to communicate with you as an adult. What’s happening for you that you would want to invite this into your life again?
Good job keeping yourself busy and connected with your friends and exercising! It sounds like you are still making sure you are living your life and moving forward, even without him – even though it’s difficult. Is it helping? How are you feeling about it all now? Sad? Angry? Hurt?
Heidi
