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But i was under the impression that i had to learn how to love HER, This is where the “you cannot give what you don’t have” concept applies. In order to truly love her, you have to truly love yourself first. I know there are a lot of parts of you that you love and your relationship with yourself has drastically upleveled since you have been here. You have done an incredible amount of work with yourself. To love her though, means loving the feminine which means loving the feminine within yourself first. Thoughts on this?
However, the reason i have no energy for women has nothing to do with holding on to my past emotions and traumas. All I have to say about this, is you actually have no idea if that is true. You have lived with this contempt towards women and ethiopians and indians for soooooo long that you have NO CLUE how much energy goes into sourcing and keeping that contempt alive. It’s so much a part of your life that it’s as natural as breathing. If you were to actually step into those feelings and release them, THEN you would actually have some perspective about how much energy it was requiring from you.
It’s the same way with the women i meet in real life. I can sense the depth of interest in a person. I don’t hang around where i sense no interest. I totally get this! I understand and it’s appropriate and a very normal way to approach any kind of relationship. However, for you there is always that underlying contempt towards women that taints every experience you have with them – whether you realize it or not. You have less patience, you have more judgment, you have more criticism, you have less interest in general about women. You inherently find little to no value in having female friends in your life. Which is okay of course. It’s not like you are someone who isn’t in process. You have a lot to work through and this is a pretty big topic that has a very strong hold on you. I trust that when you are ready, IF you are ever ready to free yourself from these kinds of feelings, you will step into it and figure it out.
AS for my list of lies — i’ve been experiencing something really powerful — i’m ‘hearing’ the truths through others. What a beautiful experience! Now you should go write those down next to the lies they counteracted! You should fill out every truth you come across, whether it’s from some external voice or a saying you see on a billboard. I bet your list of truths will get filled up quite quickly! That would be a fun game to play!
There is a book I have called angel numbers. It goes through many of the common pattern of numbers and what those number mean. I usually keep it in my car so I can look things up while out and about and run into number sequences that catch my attention. I loaned the book out though, otherwise I’d look up what 67 means and what the message is. Fun and delightful!
Heidi
Mean, toxic, abusive, dysfunctional people have always crossed my path because of the core wounding dealt me by my family. It’s interesting that you blame yourself. Why is that? These type of people are everywhere, so I’m wondering if you operating of off the idea that because of the core wounding and the energy it created within you, that energy attracts those types of people and experiences into your life. Is this your belief system?
Well, it sounds like you feel very resolved about Jeremy and that it’s clear you want to practice drums a few times a week. All you can do is give it shot and if too much drama comes from it, then you step out of it.
I’m curious…What are your goals with the land?
I’m happy to refer you my coach. She works INCREDIBLY deep and is masterful at working with core wounds. I’ve seen A LOT of healers and therapists over the years and no one holds a candle to her abilities. She is not the right fit for everyone though. All you can do is give it a shot. I will email you her contact info and then you can just set up a short conversation where you can ask her some questions, let her know what you want and she will talk about her approach. If you decide you want an introductory session, you can schedule something then. Let me know if this interests you.
Heidi
How does what I said, make you feel? Do you feel okay letting him go? Do you feel you want to have a conversation with him and possibly consider pursuing a connection with him again?
When you date, do you just date and let the level of connection and chemistry guide you? Or do you have a more specific, purposeful approach? For example, I have all kinds of questions that I ask so I can learn very specific things about him before getting all wrapped up in the connection. I am very purposeful and direct. I have a very clear directly and very clear information I am looking for. Do you?
Heidi
Do you love what you do? How would you describe your personality?
Life purpose is to help people to the maximum in whatever way I can You can absolutely do this. What ways do you like to help people? and live with him. This, you have no control over.
What about keeping a conversation? Nope. No conversation. HE NEEDS TO COME TO YOU!!!!! This is sooooooo incredibly important. He needs to be the one who reaches out and starts the conversation. Your job is to respond and that’s it. Again, because you were quite forceful and disrespectful towards him, he needs to know that is not going to happen again. Being that you are unblocked, the more he feels that you are NOT going to use that to your advantage and bombard him again, the better. He needs to feel that it is safe for him to keep you unblocked and that you are not going to start to try and get him back again and cross his boundaries again. Stay silent. Keep living your life and let him come to you. He may never initiate and that is a reality and that it why it’s important for you to keep living your life and not wait for him. He will respect and like that about you.
Heidi
Hi Diana,
I understand you want to fight. I understand how his past choices really impacted how you felt about him – even if his heart was in a good place. I understand that he also is harboring some past hurts toward you as well.
This is a lot more complicated than you probably realize. Letting go of the past is much easier said than done – for both of you. Would you both consider working with a specialist? This really is your best option. BOTH of you need to work with a person who can help you guys navigate all the feelings that are being carried around. There’s a lot there for both of you and trying to do this alone can be quite tricky. Are you willing to do this? Do you think he would be willing?
Have you told him how you feel? Does he know you want to fight for him now? If you have told him, what’s his response?
I’m not very clear, are you guys living in separate locations at the moment?
To start, a good thing to do is to let him know the positive things you feel for him. Start complimenting him. Let him know when a certain shirt or color he wears is attractive to you. Let him know some of the qualities you admire and respect about him. Let him know why you love him and want to fight for him. A good philosophy to build into your connection FOREVER is “small things often.” You BOTH needs to start making “deposits” into your relationship bank. It’s VERY important to have enough “money” in the relationship bank to handle when things don’t go well.
Heidi
I don’t know exactly what I want to accomplish next year, but I guess I just want to pursue this journey and keep focusing on myself. To what end? What are you hoping to accomplish by focusing more on yourself?
Wow! Sounds like there was good chemistry and connection. How was the conversation? Did you laugh a lot? Are you attracted to him – do you like like him or just like him?
(not sure if that last question made sense to you – it’s a thing we say here)Heidi
I’m sorry you have struggled so much Jadene. It really is awful to be rejected, no chosen, left out and misunderstood. Having so many experiences like that would absolutely contribute to low self-esteem. No wonder why you are so uncomfortable deep down with connecting. Your system would naturally be on high alert preparing for another rejection.
Would you be willing to work with someone on clearing these experiences?
It seems like leaning back is good but avoiding sharing how I feel isn’t. Leaning back is good. Remember, you want to shift the pattern of chasing after unavailable men, so being the initiator in connecting with him, will take you down that path. It’s best to keep this guy as a friend and nothing more. I would not suggest trying to pursue anything further with him romantically. He seems quite confused and carries the kind of baggage that will always make him unavailable for deep intimacy.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
Wow! Thank you for sharing your story with us. There is A LOT to unpack here and I have a TON of questions, so let’s just start here.
1. Do you know why you never wanted to fight for the relationship?
2. Was there ever a point where you both felt the attraction and love and aliveness in your relationship?
3. Do you know what caused all of that to go away?You didn’t want to fight for him until he mentioned divorce and taking the kids and not supporting you anymore…and now you want to fight for him – so it seems the loss of your life is the impetus and NOT the loss of him – so you actually want to fight for your life and not really him – Does any of this resonate for you at all? It’s important to be very honest here if we are going to guide you through this in the best way possible. No judgment here!
Heidi
I’m so glad you had a good time! I’m really looking forward to your pictures!
I bet you will get some pictures of the waterful! Hopefully it didn’t rain!
Heidi
How are you feeling? I know it is much easier said than done to let go of this guy – to let go of love. I am strong, but it has come from starting to make decisions that were loving for myself – and that meant saying no to a lot of things I really didn’t want to say no to. Building your self-esteem starts with moments like this one where you choose yourself over a connection that is rejecting.
Keep talking Anna! There is a lot to work through.
Heidi
Tell me more about yourself. What do you do for work? Are you good at your job? What are you passionate about? Do you feel like you know what your life purpose is?
Still do nothing. Stay away. It’s going to take a lot of patience. Give him the space he needs. It’s also important that you accept he may never come back. I think that is the more likely option.
Heidi
Am I crazy to think the circumstances are different now? Yes. Whatever his fears are, unless he has directly worked those fears, they are still going to be there. What he did by creating this future with you and then deciding to not follow through, it’s showing you he is split. I have no doubt he felt all of those things, so that is 1 part of him. But there is another part of him that is NOT ready for that, and that is the part that took over and dis-engaged. That part doesn’t just suddenly disappear. He may feel like that part is gone and he may eventually step back into a relationship with you, but most likely, the odds of that other part popping back in are pretty high.
I personally would be very direct with him. He really roped you in and then bailed, so I would be incredibly cautious and I would want to talk to him about his past decision. I would want to know what happened and what is he thinking now. I would go INCREDIBLY slow, but I know how hard that is considering the type of connection you guys had and have. I might say something like “It was very hard to disconnect from you and I’m not interested in going through that again. I don’t really understand what happened and I’m not really sure why you reconnected. Are you wanting to possibly date again? What are you thinking and feeling?” I’m very blunt though and I don’t like to play games when it comes to my heart. This may not be you though – I don’t know.
Internally, I ask myself, why am I not good enough for him to choose me and take that leap of faith with me? Him leaving wasn’t about you. Even if you did do something, you are just being your very human self. If he is not able to love you regardless of your limitations, your humanness – then he is not the guy for you anyways. What you need is a partner who says “We are going to be messy sometimes but I will love you and work through things WITH you.” So whenever you feel those thoughts, you want to say to yourself “I know it hurts that he didn’t choose you, but I choose you. I love you. I am fighting for you. You are wonderful and amazing and worth knowing, even if he doesn’t think so.”
Even more so, assuming Nick and I do not work out, how do I approach future relationships? What should I do differently so I do not end up in this situation again? There is a lot to talk about with this one. Let’s start with your approach. How do you approach dating? It will help if you can give me a starting place.
Heidi
I felt comfortable for the most part actually, and it was very empowering to me to – for the first time in my life – stick around despite my feelings of shame at not having been included originally and his spending time with her instead etc. Wow! Good job! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that even with your feelings of shame, you chose to connect. You didn’t let your low self-esteem take over that moment. That is absolutely a way to strengthen your relationship with yourself. You can acknowledge what feels real in the moment and still move forward. That’s a wonderful practice!!!!
I feel terrified of saying or doing something that will make them ditch out on me. I’ve had so many people do that in my past without saying why. I understand. You have a lot of evidence in your life to support this fear. It’s incredibly hard to keep your heart open for the possibility of new experiences. There is no guarantee ghosting won’t happen again, but there is always a chance it won’t. Whenever people ghost, it’s a VERY clear sign they are not someone who is a good fit for you anyways. If they don’t have the ability to be honest with you about ending the relationship, then they really are not going to be a good friend anyways. You want someone who can be honest, even if it’s uncomfortable.
But the fact that I’m operating without feedback is confusing. A lot of past abandonment is likely my having attracted shitty people. I know this because I was able to glean proof in a couple of instances. I don’t know what is happening here. What proof were you able to discover? Do you say things that are offensive without realizing it? This can be your subconscious sabotaging connection because at your core, you don’t feel safe nor trust connection/relationship.
Heidi
Oh I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Gottmans! They are amazing and have produced some very powerful and effective content for healthy relationships. He is THE GUY who did the first official study that lasted 20 years on what makes a marriage last. I’m glad you found them! They are an amazing resource!
I do not know what it’s like to be loved by a woman, so, i cannot properly love another woman. This concept of “you cannot give what you don’t have” is very true. I’d like to invite you to think about it differently. It’s not “I cannot love another woman because I’ve never been loved by a woman.” This kind of thinking makes your ability to love dependent upon the experiences you have had in your life. It’s more about “You cannot love another unless you have love for yourself.” So if you love yourself, then you are able to love another. The type of love you have for yourself is also the type of love you will be able to offer. A therapist cannot take a client where they have never gone before within themselves. This concept runs through every part of our system and is ALWAYS true. Whatever you carry within, determines your ability to carry that outward into the world.
I always wondered what one has to do to become a part of a group like that. Is there some kind of a sign up sheet or an organization of sorts? There isn’t, is there? it’s what they do for each other when they consider each other friends or family. I know plenty of women who help those in need and do not consider those people friends or family. They just love to help where they can. I have a client who delivers meals to people who are sick, there are other women I know of that are part of organizations and they also might have a friend who knows someone who knows someone who needs help. LOL.
SO. Women have let me down continuously. They don’t even see me as one of them. And i don’t know what i have to do be seen as a woman/ accepted as a woman/ BY other women! lol 🙂 So, i’m at the place where i feel like IF i want a relationship, i’d be the one putting in all the effort. Oh, you know how many of my female friends celebrated my 50th birthday with me? All of us born in 1972 turned 50 this year. And FB was full of pictures of how my former classmates were celebrated. Men have let you down continuously as well, yet you somehow are able to leave the door open to men to give each new person a chance to see if they fit into your life. The thing is, this story of “IF i want a relationship, i’d be the one putting in all the effort” is simply a story from the past that you are overlaying on every potential friend you could create with a woman. JB is someone you have had incredible patience with and given him PLENTY of room to be himself and look at the friendship you have created together! Why can’t this happen with a woman? A woman is fully capable of sourcing the relationship, being curious about you, helping you, laughing with you, caring about you. Your story about what happened in the past is sooooooo strong, that it is determining your future and keeping you in contempt. I have been so incredibly damaged by women Vino. The things they have done to me are unspeakable and evil and it happened for over 2 decades. I’ve had 1,0000s of experiences of being betrayed, physically and emotionally harmed and I was a target for them to own. But that was THOSE women, not the woman who I met on the webinar and not the woman who I did a reading with and not the woman who cared for me in the PCU. These women cared about me and I was open to receiving that. These women came to me with their love and their light and their desires to connect and I said yes. I have some incredibly close female friends now who have NEVER harmed me, purposefully, other than just being their human selves and vice versa. So this whole story you have about who women are and how they will ALWAYS treat you – is like a big giant suitcase you are carrying around with you, everywhere you go, full of hurt, disappointment, sadness, contempt and whatever else is in there.
When you read this – do you hear bitterness in my words? There is no bitterness. There is no disappointment. When i was younger, there was bitterness and a lot of disappointment. But i don’t have time for all that anymore. I’m just making observations. These are just the way things are. I don’t have the extra energy it would require to cultivate a relationship with another women, much less a whole bunch of women. You don’t have the energy because the size of the suitcase you carry around takes up all your energy. If you actually started working on letting go of all those heavy, negative emotions, it would free up soooooo much of your energy! You would actually enjoy inviting new people into your life, on whatever level you wanted. I know the idea of that probably makes you cringe though. Like always, your life is your design. I have no interest in trying to push you into making more friends. My sole interest is supporting truth and not the lies. So let’s just be real here…you WANT to be angry, you WANT to keep those lies about “women” very close to your heart and use that as a barrier and wall, you WANT to continue carrying around this contempt and you have no interest of letting go of the baggage you carry about these people. I get it and can honor that! AND….each person – no matter their gender or race or status – deserves to be seen for WHO THEY ARE and not from the labels you instantly put onto them because of the traumas you choose not to let go of. Your story about women deserves to be kept on THOSE women who actually harmed you, rejected you, abandoned you, shamed you – That story DOES NOT belong on any other woman who comes across your path. In the end, the rest of us ladies are doing the very best we can and operating from our own challenges we face – no different than you.
For some reason, it feels good after writing all that. Perhaps i’ve released all these horrible words from me. i’ve never said any of them out loud to anyone. but i’m sure i’ve communicated these thoughts and feelings very clearly in the way i have behaved. I wonder how many fat cells these thoughts occupied?! lol 🙂 I love this! Look at all the lies you have identified running in your system. It’s beautiful that you wrote all of this out! I’m glad it made you feel better. As a second part of that exercise, I would suggest writing what the truth is next to each lie. Just a thought.
I think that it is a factor a smart guy NEEDS to think about. Dating is more difficult for single mothers AND a guy knows he is not just dating you, he has to be willing to be a dad. So yes, there are many guys who avoid dating single moms. And that’s okay! You want a guy who is okay with your situation!
What do you mean this and you are not as similar as he thinks? How are you feeling about the situation? I’m wondering about how clear you are about what you want with him. It sounds like you really like him, but then you said you just want to find a guy to go out with a few times a week – which is a casual kind of thing. You can’t be “casual” with a guy you really like, so I’m a little confused as to how you REALLY feel about him and what you want with him.
Heidi
