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Hi Stephanie,
Thank you for your patience. I am so sorry it’s taken a bit for us to respond to you. Let’s dig in!
First, I really want to slow you down. I know it feels incredible to be reconnecting with him again. It seems as though you have also forgotten what happened last time. You are doing what a lot of women do, blaming yourself for the breakup.
I don’t want to blow it again.
After listening to the program I can see many of the mistakes I made (moving to fast/pressuring him about our relationship after sex,
losing the uncertainty factor, accommodating him too much of the time)
and I want do better!!!You think you moved too fast??? You guys waited to have sex for 5 months! You said “I love you” after 9 months! This is NOT moving too fast at all. It’s actually a bit on the slow side. You didn’t “pressure” him about the relationship. After merging your families, planing a life together, not dating anyone else, it was APPROPRIATE to be having that kind of conversation.
I want to say the issue is NOT that you were “blowing it.” It sounds more like he is terrified and doesn’t feel he has the capacity to give you what you want. That is HIS problem, not yours. Even if you did everything “perfectly” in an imaginary world, his answer would still be the same. Just the simple fact that his ex was filing for full custody, is enough to scare any man away from going too deep with another woman. He is going to have an incredibly hard time trusting ANY woman when he has an ex doing what she is doing.
So as much as you want him back, what he is dealing with isn’t changing and his lack of trust in women isn’t going to change until he faces it. So….are you sure you want to go down that road again? He will end up rejecting you again, regardless of how amazing the connection was. Guys don’t give as much clout to the connection. They tend to be more practical about what they are able to offer, despite how they feel. This guy just doesn’t seem ready.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lucia,
Sorry it’s taken so long to respond. We really appreciate your patience.
I’m curious, do you really like this guy? How often do you guys meet for coffee? Was his divorce messy?
Just because he hasn’t asked you out, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to. Men coming out of divorce tend to be gun shy…especially with the ones they care about and especially if the divorce was difficult. That really may just be the reason. He may actually really like you, but being respectful of himself by letting himself heal and recover after the divorce. He may know he isn’t emotionally available and doesn’t want to hurt you. If that’s the case, serious kudos to him!!!
Do you guys ever flirt with each other? Or does it feel purely platonic?
Heidi
“What would take this conversation deeper, to what doesn’t feel superficial to me?” — and i come to one answer — the focus would have to be on me. I would have to be able to talk about the things i’m experiencing, feeling, learning. I can share areas in which i have already found answers, stability and balance. To go even deeper than that would be to the explore the areas inside of me that are still new to me. For some reason, when women give me advice about some situation, i feel like they have taken the focus off of me, and i shut down. That’s a great question! I guess I would answer a bit deeper in that the ONLY way for any conversation with a woman to feel more meaningful and deeper is for you to work with that wall you have up. Until then, every woman you come across will activate your defenses and you will never be able to truly relate to her because that wall will always be criticizing her, judging her and making you see her in a very specific way. That’s the job of any wall that we put up.
IF you do this then i will do this for you…” PURE EVIL! You NEVER treat a child this way! Yikes! be kind to yourself! This is far from evil. You were doing what you knew how in order to make things work – to survive – to get to the next moment. What is evil about that? Evil would be doing the same exact thing consciously and on purpose and with the intent to program the child to be something specific for you. It’s about the energy and intent, not the act itself, right? This is an EXTREMELY deep wound and very difficult to heal from. (I know fathers do this too, but our initial bonding is with our mothers, so the neglect and abandonment from a mother is deeper, imo). You know what though? It’s going to happen one way or another. Parents wound their children always. Deep wounds, surface wounds and everything in between. It’s just human. Those deep wounds ALWAYS create an opportunity for growth, healing, awareness, connection, learning etc. Deep wounds CAN heal, so there is nothing that can be done to a child that isn’t fixable or healable.
SO, the reason i say i do not want to be healed from this wound is because i do not want to lose the armor that i have created that keeps women out. i can’t tell the difference between the armor that’s hiding a wound and the one that’s protecting something of value. As long as i am able to bond with my children, and JB (or if it’s not JB, then whoever he may be) – I don’t want anyone else in my life. I also don’t feel the need to share as much as i used to. I feel no purpose in sharing. I feel like, the main reason for sharing is to get attention. And i don’t really want anyone’s attention. Everyone i care about already knows i exist, so i’m all good.
i don’t know if any of this makes any sense. lol 🙂 It completely makes sense! I understand on a deeper level, more than I can explain. I have been wounded more by women than men – in ways that are unspeakable. I don’t want to let my past experiences with those women, dictate my experiences with any new woman who comes into my life. It’s not fair, is it? I understand your choice, but it still makes me sad. Not because you don’t want to add more people to your life. It’s not about that at all. It’s about the level of fear you carry about women. The wall you have is harming you, not anyone else. As long as you have that wall, your joy in life will be limited. Your ability to love will be limited. Your ability to truly connect and feel safe in this world, will always be limited. You say you aren’t afraid of wounds, but you are terrified of this one. How you protect yourself is fear-based and NOT a healthy nor appropriate kind of protection. A healthy kind of protection is discerning, not blocking 100% of women, just because they are a woman.
I know we have gone round and round with this topic over the years, so I won’t go any further. I understand and respect your choice to stay wounded. I’m of course, always happy to explore this with you more, if you ever feel open to it.
The changing seasons are always interesting to me. As beautiful as fall is, people tend to get depressed, dealing with the loss of “life.” It’s really interesting. Most people are terrible at dealing with loss! I know I start to dread the winter. I love the snow, but it’s really hard with all the dogs I have to take care of…especially the little guys! Trying to get them to poop in 2 feet of snow is extremely difficult!!! LOL
Heidi
I think it’s very healthy for me to want people with whom I can mutually make plans to meet for meals or shows and to have real conversations with. That is what I need. Totally agree! We are talking about 2 different things here. By “alone” I was referring to being single and not dating. I didn’t mean that “isolation” was healthy and okay. I was just referring to the romance department.
I drove to the mini mart for human contact and talked to a mechanic about my car. That’s all I can expect for the rest of the day. It’s not enough. I understand. What about meetup groups? Do you guys have meetup there? What about connecting through online groups? I know it’s not the same as in-person interactions, but it’s still a connection. You can make some online friends and maybe have some new places to go visit. I’m wondering, it seems like the place you are living is quite small. Is there a reason you moved there? It doesn’t sound like the kind of place that really meets your needs. Is moving somewhere that you love, a possibility?
Heidi
So I’m wondering something. Tell me about why you believe you are someone he should love and embrace in his life. Why are you dateable and loveable? Why should he invite you back into his life? And I am not looking for answers about what you DO for him that is good for him. I’m looking for your qualities and who you are as a person. If you did absolutely nothing FOR him, then why should he love you?
Heidi
Ooooooh a lovely wool sweater from Norway?? That sounds wonderful!!!! I love that you got that for yourself. You definitely will use it! I’m glad the trip went smoother than expected. You are becoming quite the seasoned adventurer. I love all that you are doing and seeing! Send me some pics if you feel like it!
Heidi
As I said before, My Ex is my first love, maybe I don’t know what is love, but It does feel like I love him. Of course you love him! There are many variations of love and it’s unique to each person and couple. The thing is, love can also be a wounded kind of love. I call it trauma love. It’s where bonding occurs (one-sided or by both people) more through wounded energy and trying to resolve past feelings. A simple example, and a very common example, is a girl who keeps falling for guys who are unavailable. Why? She grew up with father who was neglectful or a narcissist and didn’t create a safe emotional space for her growing up. Being that an environment like that creates a BIG hole in the mind/heart of that girl, she tries to fill it by dating guys who are similar to her father – the unavailable type. The psyche will falsely believe that “if I can finally get this emotionally unavailable guy to love me, then I am finally loveable.” It’s the mind/heart trying to resolve and heal from the hole that was created by an emotionally unavailable father. This girl will feel love for a guy who isn’t good for her, but it’s more the type of love that comes from that empty hole inside her – it’s a wounded love. People very rarely know the difference, because love feels like love. However, there is one question that will expose the truth about the kind of love it is. “Is it loving to ME to love this guy?” A healthy love has to be earned. A healthy love is developed over time and through a lot of experiences together. A healthy love starts out discerning and is kind and respectful to BOTH people. The love you feel for this guy is built A LOT on fantasy. You have never met him. You have created an idea in your mind about who he is, from fantasy and conversations. The truth is, you have a very small, tiny idea of who he is, but your brain will turn those tiny pieces into BIG pieces and create this feeling of love in you. So the love you feel, although very real and all consuming, has a lot of limitations to it. Now that you are learning about a new side to him and what he is capable of, you still want to keep sourcing your love and you still want to keep loving him. I know that before this moment, you felt very cared about, nourished and wonderful. Now, there is new information that doesn’t negate all those wonderful thing, but it does negate the quality of the relationship now.
I have another question, Do you think when the 30 days “No contact” will end there is anything I can do to check or confirm without sounding desperate if he still think or care about me,
Can you help me on this one? I’m a little confused. You ask this question, but also say this: No more, if I want to set standards for myself I need to build my Self-confidence properly, So which is it? What do you want?I know that he doesn’t deserve this love and care of my side but I can’t help, if I want to let him go completely I need clear answers, not half-assed one he gave me :/
Will you help/guide me to write a proper question or statement message? This is not true. This is you trying to get something from HIM so you can feel better and make the pain go away. We all do it. We all want answers to our questions so we can more clearly deal with the hurt caused by the other person. AND…it’s not necessary. I can’t tell you how many times I have released and healed from hurt, heartbreak or some kind of pain caused by someone that I was not able to get answers from. That is me being empowered. That is me sourcing myself and NOT relying on anyone else to help me feel better and heal. You have everything within you that you need to heal….without answers from him. This is a golden opportunity, because this will not be the last time in your life that this happens. It will happen with friends, it will happen at work, it will happen MANY times in your life where someone will hurt you and then won’t be available to talk with – for whatever reason. So learning NOW how to heal WITHOUT the help of the offender apologizing or helping you understand their choice, is a GOOD thing.
Look at it this way…does it REALLY matter what his reasons are? I’m sure his reasons would help you understand a little better, but it DOES NOT change how he has disregarded you and shut you out so quickly. His reasons do not change his actions. Even if he were to apologize over and over and beg for your forgiveness, it won’t change that his coping mechanism under high enough level of stress is to run away. This coping mechanism will be a part of him forever, so he will just do it again and again and again. The only way to really change any of our coping mechanisms that cause harm to us or to another, is to recognize it, understand where it’s coming from and how it works and teaching yourself a new way to deal with the stressors. There is A LOT that goes into shifting coping mechanisms. Mine is exactly like his. I want to run. That feelings has NEVER gone away, no matter how much healing or clearing I do. What has changed though, is I’ve learned other ways to manage that feelings. I have a skillset I’ve developed over the years to help me stay present and walk through a situation with someone instead of running. I’ve had to apologize a million times in my life for causing so much harm by my running away – and I always meant it, but the urge and behavior never really changed until I really faced it straight on. Just something to think about. So back to your question…any reason he offers you, is just the surface reason anyways. The true reason he has run is because deep down he is terrified. Of what? Who knows. But we all run when the fear is big enough. It’s our system protecting us from something we believe is danger – but remember none of this is from a conscious place. The majority of people DO NOT understand their coping mechanisms…they just respond to whatever they feel and rationalize it in their minds. So his reasons don’t matter. You can heal and release this love WITHOUT him by loving yourself through this. It’s you parenting your little girl saying to her “I know you don’t want to let him go. I know the love felt so amazing and wonderful, but it’s time to walk away now. I will love you. I will take care of you. I will make sure your heart feels good again. It’s time to close the door and say goodbye.”
Another way to look at this and why it’s not a good idea to chase after answers from him, is there is a strong possibility that you will have to go through a bunch of rejection again. Many times, when people confront someone who is a runner, they open their hearts only to get stabbed AGAIN. It hurts like crazy and that is NOT protecting your vulnerable, sacred, fragile heart. You need to heal, NOT get re-injured by a guy who doesn’t have the ability to care enough about your heart to have a healthy, adult conversation about how he is feeling. If he couldn’t do it the first time around, you really think he can do it with you chasing after him for answers? You are trying to get a resolution about the rejection from the guy who is rejecting you.
If this is what you want to do, you get to. I have done this many times over the years – even though I KNEW I was being lazy and I wanted the guy to fix my pain instead of doing it myself. I’ll just warn you, the odds that you are setting yourself up to be rejected all over again is likely. But maybe that is what you need to feel to truly let go and know this guy isn’t right for you. AND…of course I am not a perfect predictor, so I could be wrong. If you want to reach out, you can say something like “I really would love to talk. I am really confused and would love your help answering just a few questions. I’m not trying to get back together. I’m actually just trying to get some understanding. I don’t want to fight or argue, I just want to have a good conversation and hopefully create a more peaceful ending and resolution. Would you be willing?”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Emilie,
Here are more specfic things you can do to help your immune system.
1. Drink 32 oz. of lemon water each morning. Our live works A LOT throughout the night, especially from 2-4am. Being that it is a filter, it collects all kinds of toxins each night that it wants to dump out of the body. This is where the lemon water comes in. If you drink that when you wake up, it helps support the liver to flush those toxins out of the body. Squeeze 1/2 lemon per 32 oz. If you want to do more, that’s fine. You can also put a little honey in it. Make sure it’s local and raw.
2. Do not eat any fat until noon. The moment you eat fat, the liver instantly has to start working again and stops the flushing/cleansing process, so giving your liver a nice break until noon, will give it a good amount of time to rest a bit before starting to work really hard again. After my lemon water, I typically do some kind of fruit and veggie smoothie (no protein powders or anything else – just food and water or coconut water) or I will do some kind of oatmeal or quinoa hot cereal with fruit and syrup. No fat mornings can be tough for people who are used to eggs or meats to fill them up. Going fat free will make a HUGE difference in how you feel and will support your immune system super well!
3. Zinc and vitamin C are some of the best immune supporters – especially together. However, like anything, the quality and type are important. I don’t know how well you know the company that makes your vitamins. What I DO know is that anything that is a pill form vs. a capsule, stay away from. Also, supplement companies (at least here in the U.S.) don’t have to list everything that is in the pill or liquid, so many times there are toxic elements in supplements. I personally order from Vimergy (you can order direct or from Amazon – not sure if you guys use amazon there) Their standards are incredibly high, they offer capsule and liquid form, everything is listed on the bottle, it’s all alcohol and gluten-free and they use organic, high quality sources. I’m not sure if they ship to France, but if they do, it’s a company you can trust. The moment you start feeling sick, you can do zinc shock therapy where you take 2 full dropperfuls (the zinc from Vimergy is liquid) every 3 hours and do that for 2-3 days. 99% of the time, you will knock the immune system into super high gear and get rid of the sickness.
Hope this helps!
It sounds like 1 guy is at least interesting. You’ll have to let me know how it goes!
Wow….37! How does that make you feel? Excited? A little sad? Nothing really? I always end up doing a year review of my life. What have I done with the past year and what am I wanting to accomplish in the next year. Sometimes, it’s a tough year review. I’d love to hear your answers to the those questions if you feel like sharing.
Heidi
I’m writing a lot, I know.
I’m not going to apologize again tho 🙂
Thanks for answering so fast as well ^^ YAYAYAYA! Good job! I’m proud of you for NOT apologizing!!!Since you are exploring confidence, you may resonate with this book: https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
She also has non-linear movement classes she does online that can be really powerful for releasing negative thoughts and feelings, pain, heartache etc. Maybe check it out!To be honest, I’m still trying not to put my Ex before me, when I said others I didn’t include my Ex in this category, but maybe I should change this kind of mindset. Yes! It’s important to switch around your mindset. YOU are the only one responsible for your happiness. Your heart is sacred and beautiful and a treasure to be taken care of, protected and valued. You are the owner, the guardian, the hands that hold your heart. It’s YOUR job to nurture it, know what it needs, know how to keep it alive and well nourished and most of all, protected. By making HIM more important than you, that means you are stepping aside and leaving your heart exposed to rejection, abandonment and you are literally walking away from your heart so you can go take care of HIS heart. So then who is going to take of your heart? In relationships, it’s CRUCIAL that BOTH people stay with their own hearts. They NEVER leave it to go take care of the other person’s heart. You always bring your own heart with you into every single situation. You abandoning yourself for him only brings hurt to you, imbalance to the relationship and he will lose respect for you. A healthy man wants a woman who doesn’t abandon herself. A healthy man wants a woman who values herself more than anything. A healthy man needs to know that his woman can take care of herself. A healthy man wants a woman who has standards and REQUIRES his very best treatment of her. A healthy man treats her heart with respect and care – even in the worst moments. This is what you have to look forward to if you are willing to allow yourself to have this kind of experience with a man IN PERSON.
If this is the kind of experience you want, then working on your confidence is WONDERFUL! It’s safe to be confident. It’s safe to love yourself. It’s attractive to know your value. It’s attractive to have standards as to how you are treated and how you treat other people. It’s amazing to see a woman align with her beauty. It’s your time to flourish now and really connect to your own inner power, strength, beauty, wisdom and divine feminine light. All us ladies carry something very special inside and when we finally learn how to embrace it, activate it and become it, it changes everything!
I wish he could see how much I changed since the break up, at first I was very emotional and almost on the depressed side now I’m more happy and positive (at most part) still a lot of work to do with myself, I’m getting there. I know you wish for that. I know you feel like you love him and you want him to be proud of you. This is you seeking HIS approval when you need to be offering that to yourself. You are looking TO HIM to help yourself feel better and fix the pain instead of relying on yourself, loving yourself, protecting yourself and keeping yourself safe from a guy who doesn’t value you. I know getting that embrace from him would feel so much better, but it’s honestly just putting a bandaid on a pretty big wound. This wound you have needs a delicate touch, tender love and care, it needs to be cleaned out and stitched up….all by YOU!!! Not him. That’s not his job. This is how you build self-confidence. THis is how you strengthen your relationship with yourself. This is how you support yourself when those around you don’t have the ability for whatever reason. You got this Anna! You CAN release this love and heal from it. You CAN get through this heartache. You CAN develop your confidence. One day at a time.
Heidi
I’m curious to hear how your trip works out! As much as you are freaking out, you always somehow figure out how to land on your feet.
Glad things are going better with Bob. I hope they stay that way!
Oh! October 1 Thanksgiving eh? Is it called that too? Being that it’s not as big as in the states, what do people typically do? Is there a turkey? Do people decorate at all?
Yes, my decorations are always early 🙂 People have a lot of thoughts about that. LOL Your deck sounds wonderful! It sounds like a place to hang out and be very peaceful!
Heidi
I’m glad you feel less pain and feel “unblocked.”
If you give him the car to drive, what will you drive? Do you not need the car?
Heidi
I’m glad you finally feel some clarity and understanding of how to move through the HI signals.
I didn’t respond originally to your suggestions for how to heal my core wounds because I’m a little vague on what exact steps I need to take to do that. The best and fastest way to heal your core wounds is to work with a therapist who specializes in what you are dealing with. I would suggest NOT doing talk therapy, but instead find a therapist with additional skillsets like EMDR, hypnotherapy, brainspotting or some other technique that works with the subconscious. You can go to emdr.com to find a therapist possibly in your area. I know a lot of people are doing online work now, so you can find someone outside of where you live. If that is not what you want to do, I would suggest starting to read and educate yourself. A lot of books also have skills/healing techniques you can bring into your life to help move the needle a bit. What I do know though, is that there are just some things we carry deep inside that we are not able to access on our own and we need a “guide” to help us get there, navigate it and celebrate us as we work through it. I always have a coach I work with to help me with the areas that I just cannot shift on my own.
Here are a few books that may resonate for you.
It sounds like you’re saying that the decision to stop pursuing success with men like Jeremy, who are unavailable unrelated to me, is a matter of accepting aloneness and seeking my own joys. It’s more than just accepting aloneness, it’s working with the story you have about being alone. There is something about being “alone” that it seems you are struggling with. It seems like you are in a place of really wanting love in your life to help you enjoy your life more. What if you already enjoyed your life fully and completely while being alone? I’m alone a lot as well. I do not have a partner and have not had one in quite a while AND I LOVE my life. Every once in a while I crave companionship and that always is a symptom of my subconscious telling me that I have some needs I am not paying attention to within myself. For the most part though, I feel very fulfilled, loved, cared about, connected and peaceful. Do I want a man to fall in love with and take a long journey through life together? Absolutely! I can’t wait to meet him! But it’s not something I crave or seek out, nor is it something I feel I “need.”
I overhear and glance up at all the groups and couples surrounding me. I’ve been in this spot many times and felt the hurt and emptiness in my own life as I watched others with their partners. It doesn’t have to feel like that though. Now, it doesn’t even phase me. I LOVE watching couples now and how they interact and connect. I learn, I enjoy, I wish them well in my heart and it doesn’t activate a need to have what they have.
This is a part of you that looks over and wants what “they” have because you are craving to be loved. That is a part of you that needs some attention and love from YOU. Imagine that part of you as a little girl and she needs YOUR attention, not a man’s attention. She needs YOU to talk with her, validate her, listen to her and support what she has to say and feel. She also needs you to take control and stop her from going after unavailable men – she is just trying to get love, but from unhealthy sources. So like a parent would do with their child, they say “No, you cannot have that. It’s not good for you. I will take care of you. I will love you.”Heidi
There is nothing more you should be doing. Just keep your distance and let him come to you IF HE WANTS. If a guy wants to be with you, HE WILL LET YOU KNOW. If he doesn’t want to be with you, he won’t make the effort. You DO NOT want to have to convince a guy to be with you. You want a guy to NATURALLY have something within him, that makes him want to be with you. A guy is able to connect to that part of him only IF the woman gives him the space. If you ask him questions and try to convince him to talk to you, you will fill him with irritation AGAIN and he will step away. So STAY AWAY and give him space. That is all you need to do. If he asks you something, then you can respond, but DO NOT initiate conversation with him.
I know you feel like you should be doing more, but there is nothing more you can do. There was so much damage that has occurred over the past year, it’s VERY important you just let him reach out to you for once and DO NOT reach out to him about anything!
Heidi
I think it’s much harder for people to receive than it is to give. Yes! Yes! Yes! 100% true. I love your awareness around this!
that i’m one of the best tenants and life happens and there’s no deadline for me. i was totally blown away. I don’t see any of my neighbors as problem tenants. Oh my!!! This brought tears to my eyes!!! Connection BEFORE money. Appreciation BEFORE money!!! Wow! I love that you got to have this experience!!!! I love that you are feeling softer as well. Doesn’t it feel wonderful???
What kind of things do you consider ‘intimate details’? for me, health related stuff doesn’t feel intimate at all. It’s heart related stuff that feels intimate to me. Good question! Healt related stuff for me is more personal because I am a Strength Coach. I help people every day in the gym, I help them be healthy, I help them handle their bodies, their life, their stressors – so to be open about my body breaking is hard for me. Heart related stuff I am more open about. LOL. We are funny, aren’t we? Ultimately, it’s all quite silly. In the end, it’s what we think and feel about ourselves that makes or breaks our day.
you were able to let in people whom you normally wouldn’t hang out with — that’s a kind of test that i don’t want to even be tested with. lol 🙂 I did this because I actually NEEDED to. My medical issues gave me an opportunity to step into my fears – and that’s what I’m about as a person – and so are you. I have no doubt that despite your resistance, you would also step into it. That’s who you are!
I probably wouldn’t talk to you either, if you weren’t so far away and invisible to me! lol 🙂 I totally get it! I know it’s scary and I am honored you trust me in the way you do. I know you don’t see the value of opening up to a woman, but the right kind of woman would enjoy the journey with you and inspire you to WANT to share with her. Those are the only women in my life. I have high standards and each of my close friends meet those standards and I meet their standards. We are open hearted with each other BECAUSE it is safe. It’s wonderful!
So – even though i know i carry some kind of wound that keeps women out — i’m not interested in changing that. And i’m afraid that God will heal me of that wound in spite of myself. lol 🙂 This is interesting for you to say. How come? Why would you NOT want healing?
Whenever i see a woman who is as out of shape as myself or larger than me, but full of confidence and sure of herself, I want to ask so badly – “HOW do you do it when you are so fat?” — but i know that’s not a good way to ask that question. Got any ideas?! lol hahahaha! OMG! I am seriously laughing because I have said the very same thing in my mind a million times! I think it’s a normal thing to think and wonder. The answer is self-love. It’s learning how to love ALL of you, even your limitations. It’s learning how the fat is serving you and appreciating the protection it is providing for you. Fat, even physiologically, acts as a protective mechanism against acids that would damage your organs and tissues. Fat, emotionally, acts as protection against attention, protection against intimacy, protection against spiritual advancement – fat, in general, is a protective mechanism and is here to help us, not hurt us. It holds a message for each of us. Have you ever talked to your fat?
I learned that i’m naturally a belly breather and that pushes out my belly muscles! SO, i focus on chest breathing when i walk, when i wake up or before i go to bed, or anytime during the day when i become aware of my breathing. One of the first things i noticed when i forced myself to use my chest muscles for breathing is how my belly goes in and during exhale and holds my spine stable, without having to hold my breath! I really like how my body feels when i’m walking while breathing with my chest muscles. I don’t feel flabby! LOL! It’s 100% okay to belly breathe and push your belly muscles out. That is what is supposed to happen and how we were designed to breathe. I want to guide you in a different direction. Chest breathing causes all kinds of issues in the body, most of the time, years down the road. I’ve studied breathing quite a bit. Here are a series of videos to help you understand your breathing more. Hopefully this helps. I’m happy to talk more about this if you want. I’m not sure if it’s too scientific for you, in some of the videos, but maybe it will help you explore a little more.
I’ve also been massaging myself. I’ve almost fully gotten rid of a shoulder issue. In the past 2 weeks, i noticed a change in my belly – it has been feeling swollen – so i wondered if i’m experiencing some inflammation. there’s no pain. but it’s not caving in as much as it used to 2 weeks back, when i exhale. And when i massage my belly, i feel the pressure of my hands in a different way. Today, i felt my uterus. It’s most likely swollen a bit, because it has polyps in it. But i thought it may have shriveled up by now, because i haven’t bled in 4 or 5 months. SO – i was quite surprised to find myself bleedin today. Interestingly, i wasn’t upset. I’m just curious as to what my body is upto? I would talk to a doctor about this! Not bleeding for that long could be a dangerous thing. Have you checked into it?
Chronic should issues could more have to do with the organs connected to it. The left should is more connected (neurologically to the stomach/heart) and the right shoulder is connected to the liver. SO it’s not unusual for someone to have chronic should pain, but the dysfunction is actually in the organ, not the shoulder.
Great massage videos! Working with the abdominal region is really helpful a lot of times. There are so many techniques out there, right? I love that you are exploring what works for you!
How are the holidays shaping up for you? I love the leaves changing right now. Soooooo beautiful and definitely putting me in the mood for hot drinks and holiday lights.
Heidi
I come first and then the others. YES YES YES!!! I LOVE that you are really connecting to this and starting to practice this more in your life. It’s self-love to make sure you are sourced first, before sending out your energy to others. This is how you are the most powerful and impactful in the world and in relationships.
but you see I want to understand him, even if it’s one-side which I still wish to see if I can wake up his hero Instinct, I just want to point out that this statement here is actually the complete opposite of I come first and then the others.. This is you putting YOURSELF aside – by not caring that he doesn’t have any interest in understanding you – and still wanting to source the love. A question I always like to ask is “Is it loving TO ME, to love this person?” So let’s put that to the test here. Is it loving TO YOU, to love a guy who isn’t interested in understanding you? Is it loving TO YOU, to keep building a love with a guy who disappears when things get hard enough or uncomfortable enough? Is it loving TO YOU, to keep putting in all your efforts for a guy who isn’t putting in his efforts towards you?
It’s actually because it’s very unlike him to act like that,I wish to know what is going on with him I know this is not his normal pattern, but you barely know him in the big picture. You haven’t even met him in person yet. So…that means there are a TON of things you don’t know about him. So even though this response is not what you typically experience with him, it’s coming out now, so you are learning something new about him. You now know what he is capable of. You now know that he has the ability to break his word and break his integrity. You now know that he has the ability to completely disconnect from you without explanation. You now know that he is able to be influenced by his friends. So…this is a new side of him that you are seeing and experiencing, which means he can do it again and again and again, regardless of how much you love each other. Love is not the question here. It’s HOW HE FUNCTIONS under stress that is causing this. It’s his coping mechanism that develops as a child and will part of him FOREVER. So even IF you understood why he is acting like this, it’s not going to change how much it hurts you, it’s not going to change his behavior and it’s going to continue to sabotage connection.
even if it’s one-side which I still wish to see if I can wake up his hero Instinct Your’e okay with one-sided? You say this statement and then also say this: It doesn’t mean I’m not going to set some standards to myself about how I want to be treated. These statements ALSO contradict each other. You want to set standards as to how you are treated, yet you are okay if it’s one-sided? What standards are you wanting to create here?
Let’s keep talking about this!
Heidi
