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Tell me more about yourself. What do you do for work? Are you good at your job? What are you passionate about? Do you feel like you know what your life purpose is?
Still do nothing. Stay away. It’s going to take a lot of patience. Give him the space he needs. It’s also important that you accept he may never come back. I think that is the more likely option.
Heidi
Am I crazy to think the circumstances are different now? Yes. Whatever his fears are, unless he has directly worked those fears, they are still going to be there. What he did by creating this future with you and then deciding to not follow through, it’s showing you he is split. I have no doubt he felt all of those things, so that is 1 part of him. But there is another part of him that is NOT ready for that, and that is the part that took over and dis-engaged. That part doesn’t just suddenly disappear. He may feel like that part is gone and he may eventually step back into a relationship with you, but most likely, the odds of that other part popping back in are pretty high.
I personally would be very direct with him. He really roped you in and then bailed, so I would be incredibly cautious and I would want to talk to him about his past decision. I would want to know what happened and what is he thinking now. I would go INCREDIBLY slow, but I know how hard that is considering the type of connection you guys had and have. I might say something like “It was very hard to disconnect from you and I’m not interested in going through that again. I don’t really understand what happened and I’m not really sure why you reconnected. Are you wanting to possibly date again? What are you thinking and feeling?” I’m very blunt though and I don’t like to play games when it comes to my heart. This may not be you though – I don’t know.
Internally, I ask myself, why am I not good enough for him to choose me and take that leap of faith with me? Him leaving wasn’t about you. Even if you did do something, you are just being your very human self. If he is not able to love you regardless of your limitations, your humanness – then he is not the guy for you anyways. What you need is a partner who says “We are going to be messy sometimes but I will love you and work through things WITH you.” So whenever you feel those thoughts, you want to say to yourself “I know it hurts that he didn’t choose you, but I choose you. I love you. I am fighting for you. You are wonderful and amazing and worth knowing, even if he doesn’t think so.”
Even more so, assuming Nick and I do not work out, how do I approach future relationships? What should I do differently so I do not end up in this situation again? There is a lot to talk about with this one. Let’s start with your approach. How do you approach dating? It will help if you can give me a starting place.
Heidi
I felt comfortable for the most part actually, and it was very empowering to me to – for the first time in my life – stick around despite my feelings of shame at not having been included originally and his spending time with her instead etc. Wow! Good job! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that even with your feelings of shame, you chose to connect. You didn’t let your low self-esteem take over that moment. That is absolutely a way to strengthen your relationship with yourself. You can acknowledge what feels real in the moment and still move forward. That’s a wonderful practice!!!!
I feel terrified of saying or doing something that will make them ditch out on me. I’ve had so many people do that in my past without saying why. I understand. You have a lot of evidence in your life to support this fear. It’s incredibly hard to keep your heart open for the possibility of new experiences. There is no guarantee ghosting won’t happen again, but there is always a chance it won’t. Whenever people ghost, it’s a VERY clear sign they are not someone who is a good fit for you anyways. If they don’t have the ability to be honest with you about ending the relationship, then they really are not going to be a good friend anyways. You want someone who can be honest, even if it’s uncomfortable.
But the fact that I’m operating without feedback is confusing. A lot of past abandonment is likely my having attracted shitty people. I know this because I was able to glean proof in a couple of instances. I don’t know what is happening here. What proof were you able to discover? Do you say things that are offensive without realizing it? This can be your subconscious sabotaging connection because at your core, you don’t feel safe nor trust connection/relationship.
Heidi
Oh I LOVE LOVE LOVE the Gottmans! They are amazing and have produced some very powerful and effective content for healthy relationships. He is THE GUY who did the first official study that lasted 20 years on what makes a marriage last. I’m glad you found them! They are an amazing resource!
I do not know what it’s like to be loved by a woman, so, i cannot properly love another woman. This concept of “you cannot give what you don’t have” is very true. I’d like to invite you to think about it differently. It’s not “I cannot love another woman because I’ve never been loved by a woman.” This kind of thinking makes your ability to love dependent upon the experiences you have had in your life. It’s more about “You cannot love another unless you have love for yourself.” So if you love yourself, then you are able to love another. The type of love you have for yourself is also the type of love you will be able to offer. A therapist cannot take a client where they have never gone before within themselves. This concept runs through every part of our system and is ALWAYS true. Whatever you carry within, determines your ability to carry that outward into the world.
I always wondered what one has to do to become a part of a group like that. Is there some kind of a sign up sheet or an organization of sorts? There isn’t, is there? it’s what they do for each other when they consider each other friends or family. I know plenty of women who help those in need and do not consider those people friends or family. They just love to help where they can. I have a client who delivers meals to people who are sick, there are other women I know of that are part of organizations and they also might have a friend who knows someone who knows someone who needs help. LOL.
SO. Women have let me down continuously. They don’t even see me as one of them. And i don’t know what i have to do be seen as a woman/ accepted as a woman/ BY other women! lol 🙂 So, i’m at the place where i feel like IF i want a relationship, i’d be the one putting in all the effort. Oh, you know how many of my female friends celebrated my 50th birthday with me? All of us born in 1972 turned 50 this year. And FB was full of pictures of how my former classmates were celebrated. Men have let you down continuously as well, yet you somehow are able to leave the door open to men to give each new person a chance to see if they fit into your life. The thing is, this story of “IF i want a relationship, i’d be the one putting in all the effort” is simply a story from the past that you are overlaying on every potential friend you could create with a woman. JB is someone you have had incredible patience with and given him PLENTY of room to be himself and look at the friendship you have created together! Why can’t this happen with a woman? A woman is fully capable of sourcing the relationship, being curious about you, helping you, laughing with you, caring about you. Your story about what happened in the past is sooooooo strong, that it is determining your future and keeping you in contempt. I have been so incredibly damaged by women Vino. The things they have done to me are unspeakable and evil and it happened for over 2 decades. I’ve had 1,0000s of experiences of being betrayed, physically and emotionally harmed and I was a target for them to own. But that was THOSE women, not the woman who I met on the webinar and not the woman who I did a reading with and not the woman who cared for me in the PCU. These women cared about me and I was open to receiving that. These women came to me with their love and their light and their desires to connect and I said yes. I have some incredibly close female friends now who have NEVER harmed me, purposefully, other than just being their human selves and vice versa. So this whole story you have about who women are and how they will ALWAYS treat you – is like a big giant suitcase you are carrying around with you, everywhere you go, full of hurt, disappointment, sadness, contempt and whatever else is in there.
When you read this – do you hear bitterness in my words? There is no bitterness. There is no disappointment. When i was younger, there was bitterness and a lot of disappointment. But i don’t have time for all that anymore. I’m just making observations. These are just the way things are. I don’t have the extra energy it would require to cultivate a relationship with another women, much less a whole bunch of women. You don’t have the energy because the size of the suitcase you carry around takes up all your energy. If you actually started working on letting go of all those heavy, negative emotions, it would free up soooooo much of your energy! You would actually enjoy inviting new people into your life, on whatever level you wanted. I know the idea of that probably makes you cringe though. Like always, your life is your design. I have no interest in trying to push you into making more friends. My sole interest is supporting truth and not the lies. So let’s just be real here…you WANT to be angry, you WANT to keep those lies about “women” very close to your heart and use that as a barrier and wall, you WANT to continue carrying around this contempt and you have no interest of letting go of the baggage you carry about these people. I get it and can honor that! AND….each person – no matter their gender or race or status – deserves to be seen for WHO THEY ARE and not from the labels you instantly put onto them because of the traumas you choose not to let go of. Your story about women deserves to be kept on THOSE women who actually harmed you, rejected you, abandoned you, shamed you – That story DOES NOT belong on any other woman who comes across your path. In the end, the rest of us ladies are doing the very best we can and operating from our own challenges we face – no different than you.
For some reason, it feels good after writing all that. Perhaps i’ve released all these horrible words from me. i’ve never said any of them out loud to anyone. but i’m sure i’ve communicated these thoughts and feelings very clearly in the way i have behaved. I wonder how many fat cells these thoughts occupied?! lol 🙂 I love this! Look at all the lies you have identified running in your system. It’s beautiful that you wrote all of this out! I’m glad it made you feel better. As a second part of that exercise, I would suggest writing what the truth is next to each lie. Just a thought.
I think that it is a factor a smart guy NEEDS to think about. Dating is more difficult for single mothers AND a guy knows he is not just dating you, he has to be willing to be a dad. So yes, there are many guys who avoid dating single moms. And that’s okay! You want a guy who is okay with your situation!
What do you mean this and you are not as similar as he thinks? How are you feeling about the situation? I’m wondering about how clear you are about what you want with him. It sounds like you really like him, but then you said you just want to find a guy to go out with a few times a week – which is a casual kind of thing. You can’t be “casual” with a guy you really like, so I’m a little confused as to how you REALLY feel about him and what you want with him.
Heidi
Plus if he thinks so lowly of me to drop me like that why bother? I just want to use this statement as a teaching moment. This statement is a low self-esteem statement. It tells me what you actually think about yourself, deep down. This is what I mean by understanding the language of the subconscious. It leaks out in languaging ALL THE TIME and when you are able to recognize it in someone, then you have a more clear picture about the kind of person you are dealing with and whether they are available for you or not. Your statement “if he thinks so lowly of me” is the story your mind places on his disappearing act. The stories we choose to put on current events, come from beliefs created about ourselves from past events. So your story “He thinks so lowly of me” is a story you created in your past about whatever was happening. Does this make sense? This story is still “alive” in you because you just used it. You have high self-esteem too. This is just showing a part of you carrying low self-esteem. Someone who was more present with higher self-esteem would say instead “He is not available for me, so I’m going to move on.” That’s the TRUTH. Your story is a lie. Him not responding to you is about HIS low self-esteem and fear and not about you at all. Someone who is aligned with the truth would feel that and know that and not take his actions personally. Does this make sense about understanding the subconscious signals that leak through in languaging? It’s a VERY helpful and powerful skill to develop when dating.
like what do I actually do to heal the patterns I’ve identified? The “doing” part is up to you. I gave you a list of books that all have techniques for healing in them. You can try those. As I previously said, the fastest way to heal those patterns is to work with a specialist one on one. If you can’t afford that, then maybe find someone who does group coaching or offers online programs. Those are your 3 choices. 1. Read books/watch youtube videos to learn healing techniques 2. Get a therapist 3. Find someone who does group coaching or offers online programs for healing past traumas or shifting negative patterns.
Does this help?
Heidi
Wasn’t that obvious that I wanted to take things further? Nope, not at all. You are just asking him for advice, not professing your feelings for him. DO NOT ever expect a guy to know how you feel or what you are thinking unless you outright tell them. I think it’s quite normal for a friend to ask another friend about a job offer. There is NOTHING in that action that says “I really like you and want to spend more time with you.”
He said he is like me, after his failed marriage he lost trust in romantic relationships. This is a RED FLAG. If either of you feel this way, it’s a sign you have not forgiven and released the past and will put all kinds of junk from your past experiences, onto the current person. When we don’t forgive or let go, fully and completely, it becomes “baggage” that we end up carrying everywhere we go. That baggage influences EVERYTHING we do and feel. So if he has not let go of this messy divorce by now, then he is SHOWING you that he is a guy that holds onto things and does not forgive. That would make him a VERY tough partner to be with.
You have a 16 month old? Wow! That must be tough to have one that young and be a single mom of 3. Hopefully, the father is involved and helpful. Do you know if this guy wants kids? With you having a young one, that would mean he would be stepping in as a father and that may be something he does not want to do. What are his thoughts about kids?
What I am looking for at this stage is nice company, someone I would go out with say once or twice a week. I am wondering if he could be that guy, but I am having more and more doubts… I know going out a few times a week sounds pleasant and nice, but understand that most guys will NOT want to date you “casually” because you have 3 kids (not sure of the other ages). Men know that dating a single mom means also potentially becoming a dad – unless the kids are much older. Dating a few times a week is meant to lead into something more serious naturally, so staying casual with a guy is near impossible. Dating is about growth and bonding, so it will either bring you closer and closer or it will push you guys apart in different directions. If you want casual, then why not go out on dates a few times per week? This guy, you are bonded with. You are walking on a thin line with this one is you start to date him. Doing casual with this guy is probably not possible. Once you cross that line, you guys will either grow close or not – you have already been doing casual for a year. Just something to think about. You have to be willing to risk losing his friendship if you want to date him. Is that okay for you?
Heidi
I’m connecting it with something that i hadn’t connected it with before. The wall is not fear. It is contempt. I know contempt and disgust are related. Is fear also related to contempt? Great question and observation! Yes, fear is connected, but more indirectly. You feel contempt and disgust because of the actions that caused you pain and hurt. You may predominately feel contempt, but that contempt is NOT a primary emotion. Something has to source that. The primary emotion is hurt. Walls are built because we are afraid to get hurt again. So fear sources the action of building the wall, but the energy WITHIN the wall and what makes the wall so strong, are all the stories, lies, programs, beliefs you have about women. That’s the material that makes up those bricks. The action of you stacking those bricks and the cement that keeps them together is fear. Does this make sense?
Well. I have no intention of embracing any unhelpful culture. Or even speaking a good word about such practices. Just because something is an ancient culutre doesn’t mean it has value. i can list many cultural things that are abusive, disrespectful, demeaning, etc. But why do i hate my own body? THIS is what is unfair to me. i do not WANT to hate my body or be disgusted by it. How about just not embracing those aspects of the culture instead of throwing out the entire culture? There are always good things about every single culture. Every culture has light and every culture has dark – some more than others, of course. It’s our ability to understand and accept all things, not just the easy stuff that allows us to carry more light within us. Your contempt towards anything is a dark energy. That dark energy dilutes the light. Can you forgive the dark? Can you forgive the culture’s limitations? Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget or support, it just means you will not hold onto the negative, heavy emotions those cultural actions activate in you.
But what a thought — is my fat my wall against women? Yes. is it full of contempt? and disgust?! Yes i really want to know! HOW does my fat protect me from women and indians and ethiopians?! I don’t know what it is for you personally, but in general, it’s not uncommon for people to be what they hate just so they don’t give others what they want. This, by no means, is a conscious thing – it’s more sourced by beliefs we have no awareness or connection with. So for example, let’s say a mother pushed her daughter into beauty queen contests and she is overbearing. The daughter learns what her mother wants from her in order to be happy, so the little girl does the complete opposite of that (by gaining weight) to rebel and not give the mom what she wants. It’s a passive-aggressive way of surviving. Here is another possibility. I know for me personally, as well as a lot of other women I have worked with, being heavier can easily shut down attention. When a woman doesn’t feel good in her body, she hides. She does what she can to stay small energetically and be unnoticeable. This is a typical “safety” coping mechanism. So in essence, the fat is protecting her from being seen. When she feels amazing in her body, the energy is projected much more. She is more comfortable being “seen” and carries more confidence, which is more attractive for people to be around and draws more attention. There are a ton of other reasons I could name, but if you get down to the very core of whatever reason you come up with, it will be about fear of being happy. People don’t realize how scared they are of being happy. We all have a limit within us, that determines how happy can be. That limit is DIRECTLY connected to how much fear, low self esteem, contempt, anger we carry – basically all the stories we carry about what happened to us. Those stories and feelings act as anchors that are attached to what I call the “upper limit.” The more anchors we have, the less happy we will allow ourselves to be. I see it ALL THE TIME! The number 1 reason why people don’t get better, is they start to get what they want, but are not set up emotionally to have it, so they sabotage it. They sabotage it, because those anchors will not allow them to go any further. Does this make sense?
The thing is Vino, when it really comes down to it, you are not interested in healing this part of yourself, because if you heal and release all the negative energy you have towards women and these cultures, you believe it will leave you vulnerable to being hurt again. So instead of trusting yourself that you can handle it, process it, heal from ANY hurt that shows up, you put walls up to protect yourself. But instead, it’s hurting you. But you don’t actually REALLY know that, because you have lived with these feelings for so long, you don’t know who you are without them. The same is true about weight or anything that anyone has made part of their identity. People that carry weight for so long, don’t know what it feels like NOT to have it, so they actually don’t know what is possible, what is available for them, what levels of happiness they could reach without the extra weight. You used to do bodywork, so here is a super simple analogy. You know how there are spots on a body that make people yelp in pain? You know how people will then say “I didn’t know that was so tight?!?!?” I work on feet and calves all the time! People always have no clue how tight they are, but I can see how they are walking and the impact it is having on the rest of the body. I do some bodywork on their calves and feet and they get up and go “OMG! I feel amazing! I feel more of my foot on the ground and I feel more stable and balanced. I had no idea I was so constricted!” That’s what our baggage does to all of us. We carry around these super heavy stories and feelings about events in our lives – when we finally release the baggage, we THEN realize how much of an impact it was having on our bodies, our hearts, our moods, our joy, our happiness and so much more. But we will NEVER know until we let go of the baggage.
And btw…I know you said that you’ve gained 5 lbs, but remember weight is NOT 100% fat. I’m guessing you gained weight because your body is going through something strange right now.
what is the root of contempt and disgust? Such powerful emotions, aren’t they? The root of these emotions is hurt that is so intense and turns into elevated levels of anger which become contempt, hatred, disgust etc. Judgement, of course, adds it’s seasoning to the recipe. People will head into these emotions, because they are incredibly POWERFUL emotions that are SOLID. Meaning, they are emotions that are so intense that it fills every aspect of a person and leaves no room for vulnerability. These are incredibly strong protectors. When someone is in hatred, contempt or disgust, there is no room to talk with them, shift them, convince them otherwise or bring in other perspectives. These emotions are the ULTIMATE protectors of letting anyone in. Contempt protects, fat protects – so they work together and source each other!
Hopefully, I was able to connect some of the dots for you. There is soooooo much more to explain, but I usually have a whiteboard where I can draw pictures to explain more of the layers and how it’s all connected. Either way, I know you will ruminate on all of this and take a journey with it. I’m so curious to see where it takes you!!!
Heidi
Thanks for a little more info.
I would say that you are definitely more in the friend zone than anywhere else. It’s not to say that can’t change, but it might take some serious patience on your part. I’m not sure how much you like this guy. He is responsive, but doesn’t initiate. It doesn’t sound like there is any real flirting happening here. Do you guys ever talk about your dating lives? Do you date? Does he date? Do you guys ever talk about your perspective of love, romance, sex? What do you guys typically talk about? Would he have any clue that you want to take things further?
You might need to very subtly shift how you guys interact, increase the flirting just a bit, start to wear “date” clothes sometimes and start to talk about some new things maybe. I don’t know what’s going on with this guy and whether he is emotionally available or not. He may be shy, but if he is THAT shy that he can’t ask a girl on a date that he goes on “dates” with all the time, are you sure he is the kind of guy you want? Do you know why his divorce happened?
Another approach is to back off a bit with reaching out. You are the one keeping this thing going, so take a break and stop making the effort and see what happens. It will help him feel his day and his life without you (which is good for him to feel) and it may inspire him to want to initiate himself….or not. Who knows. It’s a good thing to find out though. If he does absolutely nothing, then you know he is not the kind of guy that fights for even a friendship and casual coffee every other week – something you want to know about him. If he DOES fight for it, then there is at least something there he cares about enough to make the effort and that gives you a little something to work with.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
Thank you for your patience. I am so sorry it’s taken a bit for us to respond to you. Let’s dig in!
First, I really want to slow you down. I know it feels incredible to be reconnecting with him again. It seems as though you have also forgotten what happened last time. You are doing what a lot of women do, blaming yourself for the breakup.
I don’t want to blow it again.
After listening to the program I can see many of the mistakes I made (moving to fast/pressuring him about our relationship after sex,
losing the uncertainty factor, accommodating him too much of the time)
and I want do better!!!You think you moved too fast??? You guys waited to have sex for 5 months! You said “I love you” after 9 months! This is NOT moving too fast at all. It’s actually a bit on the slow side. You didn’t “pressure” him about the relationship. After merging your families, planing a life together, not dating anyone else, it was APPROPRIATE to be having that kind of conversation.
I want to say the issue is NOT that you were “blowing it.” It sounds more like he is terrified and doesn’t feel he has the capacity to give you what you want. That is HIS problem, not yours. Even if you did everything “perfectly” in an imaginary world, his answer would still be the same. Just the simple fact that his ex was filing for full custody, is enough to scare any man away from going too deep with another woman. He is going to have an incredibly hard time trusting ANY woman when he has an ex doing what she is doing.
So as much as you want him back, what he is dealing with isn’t changing and his lack of trust in women isn’t going to change until he faces it. So….are you sure you want to go down that road again? He will end up rejecting you again, regardless of how amazing the connection was. Guys don’t give as much clout to the connection. They tend to be more practical about what they are able to offer, despite how they feel. This guy just doesn’t seem ready.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Lucia,
Sorry it’s taken so long to respond. We really appreciate your patience.
I’m curious, do you really like this guy? How often do you guys meet for coffee? Was his divorce messy?
Just because he hasn’t asked you out, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to. Men coming out of divorce tend to be gun shy…especially with the ones they care about and especially if the divorce was difficult. That really may just be the reason. He may actually really like you, but being respectful of himself by letting himself heal and recover after the divorce. He may know he isn’t emotionally available and doesn’t want to hurt you. If that’s the case, serious kudos to him!!!
Do you guys ever flirt with each other? Or does it feel purely platonic?
Heidi
“What would take this conversation deeper, to what doesn’t feel superficial to me?” — and i come to one answer — the focus would have to be on me. I would have to be able to talk about the things i’m experiencing, feeling, learning. I can share areas in which i have already found answers, stability and balance. To go even deeper than that would be to the explore the areas inside of me that are still new to me. For some reason, when women give me advice about some situation, i feel like they have taken the focus off of me, and i shut down. That’s a great question! I guess I would answer a bit deeper in that the ONLY way for any conversation with a woman to feel more meaningful and deeper is for you to work with that wall you have up. Until then, every woman you come across will activate your defenses and you will never be able to truly relate to her because that wall will always be criticizing her, judging her and making you see her in a very specific way. That’s the job of any wall that we put up.
IF you do this then i will do this for you…” PURE EVIL! You NEVER treat a child this way! Yikes! be kind to yourself! This is far from evil. You were doing what you knew how in order to make things work – to survive – to get to the next moment. What is evil about that? Evil would be doing the same exact thing consciously and on purpose and with the intent to program the child to be something specific for you. It’s about the energy and intent, not the act itself, right? This is an EXTREMELY deep wound and very difficult to heal from. (I know fathers do this too, but our initial bonding is with our mothers, so the neglect and abandonment from a mother is deeper, imo). You know what though? It’s going to happen one way or another. Parents wound their children always. Deep wounds, surface wounds and everything in between. It’s just human. Those deep wounds ALWAYS create an opportunity for growth, healing, awareness, connection, learning etc. Deep wounds CAN heal, so there is nothing that can be done to a child that isn’t fixable or healable.
SO, the reason i say i do not want to be healed from this wound is because i do not want to lose the armor that i have created that keeps women out. i can’t tell the difference between the armor that’s hiding a wound and the one that’s protecting something of value. As long as i am able to bond with my children, and JB (or if it’s not JB, then whoever he may be) – I don’t want anyone else in my life. I also don’t feel the need to share as much as i used to. I feel no purpose in sharing. I feel like, the main reason for sharing is to get attention. And i don’t really want anyone’s attention. Everyone i care about already knows i exist, so i’m all good.
i don’t know if any of this makes any sense. lol 🙂 It completely makes sense! I understand on a deeper level, more than I can explain. I have been wounded more by women than men – in ways that are unspeakable. I don’t want to let my past experiences with those women, dictate my experiences with any new woman who comes into my life. It’s not fair, is it? I understand your choice, but it still makes me sad. Not because you don’t want to add more people to your life. It’s not about that at all. It’s about the level of fear you carry about women. The wall you have is harming you, not anyone else. As long as you have that wall, your joy in life will be limited. Your ability to love will be limited. Your ability to truly connect and feel safe in this world, will always be limited. You say you aren’t afraid of wounds, but you are terrified of this one. How you protect yourself is fear-based and NOT a healthy nor appropriate kind of protection. A healthy kind of protection is discerning, not blocking 100% of women, just because they are a woman.
I know we have gone round and round with this topic over the years, so I won’t go any further. I understand and respect your choice to stay wounded. I’m of course, always happy to explore this with you more, if you ever feel open to it.
The changing seasons are always interesting to me. As beautiful as fall is, people tend to get depressed, dealing with the loss of “life.” It’s really interesting. Most people are terrible at dealing with loss! I know I start to dread the winter. I love the snow, but it’s really hard with all the dogs I have to take care of…especially the little guys! Trying to get them to poop in 2 feet of snow is extremely difficult!!! LOL
Heidi
I think it’s very healthy for me to want people with whom I can mutually make plans to meet for meals or shows and to have real conversations with. That is what I need. Totally agree! We are talking about 2 different things here. By “alone” I was referring to being single and not dating. I didn’t mean that “isolation” was healthy and okay. I was just referring to the romance department.
I drove to the mini mart for human contact and talked to a mechanic about my car. That’s all I can expect for the rest of the day. It’s not enough. I understand. What about meetup groups? Do you guys have meetup there? What about connecting through online groups? I know it’s not the same as in-person interactions, but it’s still a connection. You can make some online friends and maybe have some new places to go visit. I’m wondering, it seems like the place you are living is quite small. Is there a reason you moved there? It doesn’t sound like the kind of place that really meets your needs. Is moving somewhere that you love, a possibility?
Heidi
So I’m wondering something. Tell me about why you believe you are someone he should love and embrace in his life. Why are you dateable and loveable? Why should he invite you back into his life? And I am not looking for answers about what you DO for him that is good for him. I’m looking for your qualities and who you are as a person. If you did absolutely nothing FOR him, then why should he love you?
Heidi
Ooooooh a lovely wool sweater from Norway?? That sounds wonderful!!!! I love that you got that for yourself. You definitely will use it! I’m glad the trip went smoother than expected. You are becoming quite the seasoned adventurer. I love all that you are doing and seeing! Send me some pics if you feel like it!
Heidi
