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Stop all at once. I’m sure he won’t ask about it, but it doesn’t matter. Who knows what is going on in his mind and you will probably never know. You need to truly stay away from him.
Heidi
Rhonda!!! I have the best idea for a children’s book that you could do! What if the focus was about teaching kids about the different types of animals out there…birds and land animals. You seem to know a lot about birds! And what if you called the book “The little tumbleweed” And that’s the main character. The tumbleweed gets blown all over the country and hangs out in different spots and travels by all different kinds of animals and sometimes when the wind is strong enough, it gets to fly with the different types of birds. LOL!!! I can totally feel this book!!! It’s educational, fun and so sweet!!!
I’m so excited for you to get a good dose of your boys and then your home! Your soul is going to be sooooooo happy! We haven’t gotten any snow yet. It is in the forecast for this week, but not sure it’s going to happen. It’s still not cold enough yet…but we’ll see.
Trav finally got his passport! Yayaya! Now he is allowed to have some adventures with you! Everything is working out really well at the moment. Even though parts of your trip didn’t go so well, a lot is pretty wonderful too! I really am so excited for your trip home!!!
Heidi
Focusing on the wrong things, being afraid of not being good enough, lack of self esteem, self confidence that usually lead to me doing what people are expecting from me instead of doing and having what I want. How are you going to go about this? Do you really feel you have a lack of self esteem? From my perspective you have A LOT of high self esteem and some low self-esteem. The low self esteem will ALWAYS be there. Of course we can always keep working on it, but in the end, being that it is just part of the human experience, I’d say it’s the most effective to learn how to transition from low to high self esteem as quickly as possible.
I love that you got some amazing feedback. You are helping to change the world Emilie!!! That’s just amazing!!!
Heidi
As I keep saying I do want this person as a friend because of the small population and prior connection. If he just continues to not show up for me then I’ll know my answer that he just isn’t You don’t want this person as “just a friend.” You expressed your hurt feelings to him, the agreement was to be “friends” with the potential for something more. In essence, how you are experiencing him, how you are thinking about him, how you are observing him – is all from a romantic mindset. So I go back to this question…you KNOW he is not available for you in the way you are wanting. You KNOW his fear about relationships and the low self-esteem he carries around that topic is A LOT and it stops him from moving forward into something more meaningful – hence he is not available for you. Why are you still open to pursuing a romantic connection with him? I understand there is a small population, so I can understand staying friends. If he just continues to not show up for me, then I’ll know my answer. How many times does he have to “not show up” for you until you decide 100% to close the door on the romance side of things? He has already told you and shown you that he cannot offer what you want, yet a part of you is still holding on, hoping he will change. You are incredibly frustrated with how you keep attracting unavailable men, yes here you are again, keeping the door open to another unavailable man KNOWING he cannot offer you what you want. Like I’ve said many times, if you want to shift this pattern, you need to make different choices. Choose to close the door on this. Let go of the idea of a relationship with him and move on. Thoughts?
Isn’t the point of reading a course to master the material and learn something? Of course! However, the root of your pattern lives in the programs and beliefs about relationships. The HI materials, nor any other information for that matter, will shift that pattern for you. The HI material is more of a surface tool. It’s a way to improve connection, but it doesn’t change how a person interacts with love. If a guy is emotionally unavailable, he is that way for a reason and the only thing that shifts that, is if the guy works more deeply with his traumas, beliefs and programs around love. So shifting your pattern means identifying a guy who is emotionally unavailable and WALKING AWAY from that, regardless of the connection or attraction you have towards each other. It doesn’t seem like you are in a place where you are willing to do that quite yet. It seems you are still waiting and watching and seeing for this guy to finally show up for you. This is the core issue for you to work with if you want to change your experiences.
Heidi
I want to continue my journey and feel totally free from all my past behaviour, my fears 🙂 What specific past behaviors? What specific fears?
Whoa!!!! 1200 people???? How AMAZING!!!!! What did that feel like? Do you like how you performed? Was the response good? Man, that’s a lot of power you have in those moments, isn’t it?? You are one of a kind for sure!
Heidi
But somehow we don’t make it to the next level, It sounds like you guys have a good, honest, open connection. This is a great start, but as you know, it’s just the beginning. To get past this point, this is where having an expert can guide you. Having someone who knows BOTH of you, offers objective guidance and help you both navigate your very personal and unique journey – it will yield the best results for you guys. Maybe check out https://www.gottman.com/ This is an INCREDIBLE resource for couples. You can also look to see if there is a Gottman trained therapist near you. A lot of therapists are now doing video sessions, so that can also be an option if there is not one near your area. They have A LOT of very powerful books with concepts and actions you can immediately begin to implement into your marriage.
I do want to say though, it’s one thing to educate yourself more and start to practice and develop new skills for connection, but it’s ANOTHER thing to work with the hurt and baggage you both are carrying individually AND as a couple. This is why finding an expert is helpful. They will be able to hold each of you accountable to the baggage you bring to the situation and be able to personally guide you through working with this baggage.
If he doesn’t feel quite ready yet, then YOU can start the process. Right now, action needs to be taken. Talking about it isn’t enough. If you want to fight for this, then it’s time for you to do something different. I know you found us here and that’s great! We can only do so much over this platform and I’m happy to support you and guide you as you go through this. However, I want to suggest a more impactful action. Find a specialist to work with, get one of the Gottman books and really commit with everything you have, to make this work.
Maybe a question you can ask him to start is, “I really want to focus on improving myself as your partner. What is 1 thing you would like to request that I do?” If you guys can find 1 thing for each other to focus on, what would that ACTION be?
Heidi
You are driving by his house???? I’m wondering if he is trying to figure out if you are still stalking him. BE CAREFUL!!!! The way he is asking questions has NOTHING to do with him wanting to reconnect with you. It seems like he is setting you up for something. If he is asking to borrow your car (which if he is rich, why? He has friends who have cars and I’m sure it would be easy for him to get access to one) and now he is asking which one you are driving – it has nothing to do with him wanting to actually borrow your car. There is something strange here. If you are still stalking him and driving by his house, LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!! You are ruining ALL chances of ever getting back with him.
Heidi
I do have a concern as you know with getting the HI material down correctly. This is my point. Your focus of doing things “correctly” or “right” is about being able to produce a specific result – and that is ultimately about your need to control the situation – most likely to avoid getting hurt again. Would you agree with this? If not, help me understand. What do you think or believe the HI material is going to do for you?
I get that. I pick or allow in or am attracted to unavailables like my parents. I think you’ve been saying he will not change so I need to look elsewhere. You CANNOT control who you are attracted to, but you CAN control what you do with that attraction. I have been attracted to emotionally unavailable men, but I have a STRONGER part of me that says, “Nope. Not going to do this anymore” and I very consciously choose to cut all connections and not source that attraction. You choose to feed that connection anyways and that is what is hurting you. And no, he isn’t going to change, but even beyond that, the fact that you want him to change is the issue here. A person needs to be loved for EXACTLY who they are – without needing them to change. If you cannot love the worst of someone and take their limitations and embrace them as part of your love, then you are NOT a good fit for that person and you step away.
I have never met anyone who loves me as I am. I have always felt a need to pursue and get it right before it slipped through my fingers, which it always has. It has always slipped through your fingers because you chose to try to make something work with unavailable men who didn’t have the ability to be in a sustainable relationship to begin with. It seems like you have this very strong program running in your system that love is about “doing” and not “being.” Therefore, the more you learn, the more you develop your skills, the more you “do” the “right” things, then you will be able to be loved and have a man that sticks with you. What your friend is doing is just “being.” She is just “being” herself and that man finds her attractive. It’s an “allowing” energy instead of a “pushing” energy that you come from. I understand you don’t know what this feels like. My guess is, your ability to push is powerful and has gotten you a lot of things in life, so it’s worked for you. With love, this is NOT the energy for building a successful relationship.
Okay well yes people show up and I can say no to the unavailable ones inatead of yes please sir can I have some more Do you understand WHY you say yes to the unavailable men? I know you get what your core wound is around this, but you are still saying yes and inviting pain into your life. What do you understand about your choice to do this?
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
I see that you have another thread going where you are talking with Spyce. Is there a reason you started this other thread?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge. I am so sorry for your heartache. The pain of losing someone you love is incredibly challenging to navigate. I understand you want him back and I understand that the love you felt between the both of you was very strong.
She is very unattractive, has 3 kids and he’s 20 Help me understand a little more here. He is 20 years old? If that’s true, you guys have been together since he was 15 years old? What is your age? How old is your daughter? Do you have other children? Is her father involved in the picture at all?
Right now, it’s important that you really understand it is BEST that you don’t try and get him back. He is VERY confused and not sure what he wants. The stress of your daughter is obviously a big deal and highly impactful. I would focus on resolving whatever is happening between you and her and stabilize that relationship FIRST. There is no way he is going to want to step back into the same environment.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Which is another reason I felt hurt by Nick, I let my guard down and he knew my heart. He knew I wasn’t looking for anything casual. I’m honest and straightforward, sometimes to a fault. Of course you let your guard down. He was in alignment with you! He was planning a future with you, he was saying all the right things, you guys were really connected and enjoying the relationship – until he changed his mind. This is something you will NEVER have control over or be able to avoid. A person is who they are, until they aren’t. This is why love is such a risk. You just never know what the other person is going to do. So be gentle with yourself. You are doing the very best that you possibly can.
I’m honest and straightforward, sometimes to a fault. That’s okay! It’s better to be this, than not. ALL qualities have a more effective side and a less effective side to them. So your honesty is beautiful and powerful and important AND it can be harmful. This is just how it is for every aspect of our personalities. I actually teach people, if you want to learn what the challenging parts are going to be about a person, just look at their greatest qualities and then figure out what the shadow side is to each quality and that’s what you will be dealing with as well.
I realize it is impossible to have all of your needs met by your spouse. It’s not about having all your needs met, it’s about having your non-negotiables met. 100% of them. Your non-negotiables are about those REQUIREMENTS of what needs to exist in a relationship in order for you to feel nourished and supported. If these qualities do not exist, you will not make it in the relationship. Have you ever thought what those elements might be? For me, I CANNOT live without romance. My soul will die a slow death without romance. I CANNOT live without activity. My guy needs to be an active guy – hiking, biking, going to the gym – he needs to enjoy moving somehow and have that be part of his life. Understanding what these elements are for you, are important – so you are VERY clear as to where you can compromise and where you will not compromise. Just something to think about.
Heidi
I’m sorry you are struggling so much. Thank you for sharing all of this with me. It’s a lot you are carrying emotionally and physically. I’ve had enough experience in my job and personal life to understand the strong connection between what lives in someone’s energetic/emotional body and how the physical body is an expression of that.
I’d just ruin the picture. like i always do. Whenever these thoughts and feelings come into your mind, follow it with the truth. ALWAYS connect yourself back to the higher truth. So you can say “I’d just ruin the picture AND I AM LOVEABLE. AND through the eyes of truth (or God – or whatever you want to insert there) I AM BEAUTIFUL AND FILLED WITH DIVINE LIGHT.” This is where you keep reminding yourself that you are MORE than the limitations of your physical body. You are MORE than whatever your low self-esteem says you are.
Now i just have to figure out if i can work with this picture and learn to be happy with others! lol 🙂 I’m going to keep bringing you back to the phrase that you strongly resonated with. YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE. You cannot be truly happy with others until you are truly happy within. How you relate to other people is a reflection of how you relate to yourself. The jealousy about your friend’s happiness, the contempt towards that Indian man – those are all feeling YOU carry that those people just happen to activate. It’s not about “learning” to be happy with other people – it’s about healing the baggage you are carrying and then being happy with other people will be natural and effortless – not “learned.”
Heidi
I am continually receiving messages from non-human creatures, guiding me to continue working behind the scenes or camouflaged. I take this to mean the work with the HI material. Guidance from spirit “creatures” can many times have various meanings to them. I’m curious why you feel the guidance is about working with the HI materials specifically.
I did notice that today without thinking about it I did something the right way. I’d like to guide you away from that black and white (right and wrong) kind of thinking. It can be very damaging and quite deflating. Right DOES NOT equal the result you want and nor does wrong equal a bad result. Right and wrong, at it’s source, is judgement. Who is to say what is right or wrong? It all depends on the viewpoint, right? Instead of right or wrong, I like view things more from the lense of more effective or less effective. Even in the worst decisions or behaviors (wrong), there is ALWAYS something effective that can come out of it. You seem to have a very strong attachment to doing things the “right” way in order to produce a certain result. In the world of relationships, love and people, that just does not happen.
I don’t really have any kind of hope that anything I could do or not do would really have any impact on bringing him back so to speak, maybe because I’m so used to disappointment that I can’t imagine I could ever prevail in winning love. I mean, this is what has always happened, more or less every time I have really liked someone they have been distant and I have been on my own. It don’t really look at it as my fault as you say but more as a pattern ingrained in me through trauma and abandonment by my family of origin. One of the things it seems you are not really taking into account is the KIND OF PERSON you are trying to get attention from. This, first and foremost, is one of the biggest factors influencing the kind and level of connection that exists. His lack of connection is about HIM and not about what you are doing or not doing. maybe because I’m so used to disappointment that I can’t imagine I could ever prevail in winning love. Let’s talk about this further. “prevail in winning love” sets you up for EARNING love by doing and being the right kind of person. There is NOT truth in this statement. Love exists just because. You can be loved JUST FOR BEING you – no tricks, no games, no manipulations, no NOTHING. Just you being EXACTLY who you are is enough. Anyone who cannot offer you a connection from that place, is NOT someone you want in your life anyway. I don’t really look at it as my fault as you say but more as a pattern ingrained in me through trauma and abandonment by my family of origin. This IS saying it’s your fault. You are saying you have a pattern ingrained in you that causes an abandonment pattern. Your core belief is that your inability to “win love” lives within you. It seems like you are saying that YOU are the one responsible. The place where you are responsible lives within the choice you make of WHO you invite your life. From the sounds of it, the people you have tried to build relationship with, are pretty damaged and unavailable. Your choice NOT to walk away from that, IN THE BEGINNING, is where you can hold yourself accountable. The fact that the connection failed is not because YOU couldn’t make it work. You were trying to make something work that was NOT workable to begin with. So this has nothing to do with the abandonment patterns you carry. It’s that energy that CHOOSES to engage emotionally unavailable men, NOT the failure of it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
