Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge. I am so sorry for your heartache. The pain of losing someone you love is incredibly challenging to navigate. I understand you want him back and I understand that the love you felt between the both of you was very strong.
She is very unattractive, has 3 kids and he’s 20 Help me understand a little more here. He is 20 years old? If that’s true, you guys have been together since he was 15 years old? What is your age? How old is your daughter? Do you have other children? Is her father involved in the picture at all?
Right now, it’s important that you really understand it is BEST that you don’t try and get him back. He is VERY confused and not sure what he wants. The stress of your daughter is obviously a big deal and highly impactful. I would focus on resolving whatever is happening between you and her and stabilize that relationship FIRST. There is no way he is going to want to step back into the same environment.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Which is another reason I felt hurt by Nick, I let my guard down and he knew my heart. He knew I wasn’t looking for anything casual. I’m honest and straightforward, sometimes to a fault. Of course you let your guard down. He was in alignment with you! He was planning a future with you, he was saying all the right things, you guys were really connected and enjoying the relationship – until he changed his mind. This is something you will NEVER have control over or be able to avoid. A person is who they are, until they aren’t. This is why love is such a risk. You just never know what the other person is going to do. So be gentle with yourself. You are doing the very best that you possibly can.
I’m honest and straightforward, sometimes to a fault. That’s okay! It’s better to be this, than not. ALL qualities have a more effective side and a less effective side to them. So your honesty is beautiful and powerful and important AND it can be harmful. This is just how it is for every aspect of our personalities. I actually teach people, if you want to learn what the challenging parts are going to be about a person, just look at their greatest qualities and then figure out what the shadow side is to each quality and that’s what you will be dealing with as well.
I realize it is impossible to have all of your needs met by your spouse. It’s not about having all your needs met, it’s about having your non-negotiables met. 100% of them. Your non-negotiables are about those REQUIREMENTS of what needs to exist in a relationship in order for you to feel nourished and supported. If these qualities do not exist, you will not make it in the relationship. Have you ever thought what those elements might be? For me, I CANNOT live without romance. My soul will die a slow death without romance. I CANNOT live without activity. My guy needs to be an active guy – hiking, biking, going to the gym – he needs to enjoy moving somehow and have that be part of his life. Understanding what these elements are for you, are important – so you are VERY clear as to where you can compromise and where you will not compromise. Just something to think about.
Heidi
I’m sorry you are struggling so much. Thank you for sharing all of this with me. It’s a lot you are carrying emotionally and physically. I’ve had enough experience in my job and personal life to understand the strong connection between what lives in someone’s energetic/emotional body and how the physical body is an expression of that.
I’d just ruin the picture. like i always do. Whenever these thoughts and feelings come into your mind, follow it with the truth. ALWAYS connect yourself back to the higher truth. So you can say “I’d just ruin the picture AND I AM LOVEABLE. AND through the eyes of truth (or God – or whatever you want to insert there) I AM BEAUTIFUL AND FILLED WITH DIVINE LIGHT.” This is where you keep reminding yourself that you are MORE than the limitations of your physical body. You are MORE than whatever your low self-esteem says you are.
Now i just have to figure out if i can work with this picture and learn to be happy with others! lol 🙂 I’m going to keep bringing you back to the phrase that you strongly resonated with. YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE. You cannot be truly happy with others until you are truly happy within. How you relate to other people is a reflection of how you relate to yourself. The jealousy about your friend’s happiness, the contempt towards that Indian man – those are all feeling YOU carry that those people just happen to activate. It’s not about “learning” to be happy with other people – it’s about healing the baggage you are carrying and then being happy with other people will be natural and effortless – not “learned.”
Heidi
I am continually receiving messages from non-human creatures, guiding me to continue working behind the scenes or camouflaged. I take this to mean the work with the HI material. Guidance from spirit “creatures” can many times have various meanings to them. I’m curious why you feel the guidance is about working with the HI materials specifically.
I did notice that today without thinking about it I did something the right way. I’d like to guide you away from that black and white (right and wrong) kind of thinking. It can be very damaging and quite deflating. Right DOES NOT equal the result you want and nor does wrong equal a bad result. Right and wrong, at it’s source, is judgement. Who is to say what is right or wrong? It all depends on the viewpoint, right? Instead of right or wrong, I like view things more from the lense of more effective or less effective. Even in the worst decisions or behaviors (wrong), there is ALWAYS something effective that can come out of it. You seem to have a very strong attachment to doing things the “right” way in order to produce a certain result. In the world of relationships, love and people, that just does not happen.
I don’t really have any kind of hope that anything I could do or not do would really have any impact on bringing him back so to speak, maybe because I’m so used to disappointment that I can’t imagine I could ever prevail in winning love. I mean, this is what has always happened, more or less every time I have really liked someone they have been distant and I have been on my own. It don’t really look at it as my fault as you say but more as a pattern ingrained in me through trauma and abandonment by my family of origin. One of the things it seems you are not really taking into account is the KIND OF PERSON you are trying to get attention from. This, first and foremost, is one of the biggest factors influencing the kind and level of connection that exists. His lack of connection is about HIM and not about what you are doing or not doing. maybe because I’m so used to disappointment that I can’t imagine I could ever prevail in winning love. Let’s talk about this further. “prevail in winning love” sets you up for EARNING love by doing and being the right kind of person. There is NOT truth in this statement. Love exists just because. You can be loved JUST FOR BEING you – no tricks, no games, no manipulations, no NOTHING. Just you being EXACTLY who you are is enough. Anyone who cannot offer you a connection from that place, is NOT someone you want in your life anyway. I don’t really look at it as my fault as you say but more as a pattern ingrained in me through trauma and abandonment by my family of origin. This IS saying it’s your fault. You are saying you have a pattern ingrained in you that causes an abandonment pattern. Your core belief is that your inability to “win love” lives within you. It seems like you are saying that YOU are the one responsible. The place where you are responsible lives within the choice you make of WHO you invite your life. From the sounds of it, the people you have tried to build relationship with, are pretty damaged and unavailable. Your choice NOT to walk away from that, IN THE BEGINNING, is where you can hold yourself accountable. The fact that the connection failed is not because YOU couldn’t make it work. You were trying to make something work that was NOT workable to begin with. So this has nothing to do with the abandonment patterns you carry. It’s that energy that CHOOSES to engage emotionally unavailable men, NOT the failure of it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
But i was under the impression that i had to learn how to love HER, This is where the “you cannot give what you don’t have” concept applies. In order to truly love her, you have to truly love yourself first. I know there are a lot of parts of you that you love and your relationship with yourself has drastically upleveled since you have been here. You have done an incredible amount of work with yourself. To love her though, means loving the feminine which means loving the feminine within yourself first. Thoughts on this?
However, the reason i have no energy for women has nothing to do with holding on to my past emotions and traumas. All I have to say about this, is you actually have no idea if that is true. You have lived with this contempt towards women and ethiopians and indians for soooooo long that you have NO CLUE how much energy goes into sourcing and keeping that contempt alive. It’s so much a part of your life that it’s as natural as breathing. If you were to actually step into those feelings and release them, THEN you would actually have some perspective about how much energy it was requiring from you.
It’s the same way with the women i meet in real life. I can sense the depth of interest in a person. I don’t hang around where i sense no interest. I totally get this! I understand and it’s appropriate and a very normal way to approach any kind of relationship. However, for you there is always that underlying contempt towards women that taints every experience you have with them – whether you realize it or not. You have less patience, you have more judgment, you have more criticism, you have less interest in general about women. You inherently find little to no value in having female friends in your life. Which is okay of course. It’s not like you are someone who isn’t in process. You have a lot to work through and this is a pretty big topic that has a very strong hold on you. I trust that when you are ready, IF you are ever ready to free yourself from these kinds of feelings, you will step into it and figure it out.
AS for my list of lies — i’ve been experiencing something really powerful — i’m ‘hearing’ the truths through others. What a beautiful experience! Now you should go write those down next to the lies they counteracted! You should fill out every truth you come across, whether it’s from some external voice or a saying you see on a billboard. I bet your list of truths will get filled up quite quickly! That would be a fun game to play!
There is a book I have called angel numbers. It goes through many of the common pattern of numbers and what those number mean. I usually keep it in my car so I can look things up while out and about and run into number sequences that catch my attention. I loaned the book out though, otherwise I’d look up what 67 means and what the message is. Fun and delightful!
Heidi
Mean, toxic, abusive, dysfunctional people have always crossed my path because of the core wounding dealt me by my family. It’s interesting that you blame yourself. Why is that? These type of people are everywhere, so I’m wondering if you operating of off the idea that because of the core wounding and the energy it created within you, that energy attracts those types of people and experiences into your life. Is this your belief system?
Well, it sounds like you feel very resolved about Jeremy and that it’s clear you want to practice drums a few times a week. All you can do is give it shot and if too much drama comes from it, then you step out of it.
I’m curious…What are your goals with the land?
I’m happy to refer you my coach. She works INCREDIBLY deep and is masterful at working with core wounds. I’ve seen A LOT of healers and therapists over the years and no one holds a candle to her abilities. She is not the right fit for everyone though. All you can do is give it a shot. I will email you her contact info and then you can just set up a short conversation where you can ask her some questions, let her know what you want and she will talk about her approach. If you decide you want an introductory session, you can schedule something then. Let me know if this interests you.
Heidi
How does what I said, make you feel? Do you feel okay letting him go? Do you feel you want to have a conversation with him and possibly consider pursuing a connection with him again?
When you date, do you just date and let the level of connection and chemistry guide you? Or do you have a more specific, purposeful approach? For example, I have all kinds of questions that I ask so I can learn very specific things about him before getting all wrapped up in the connection. I am very purposeful and direct. I have a very clear directly and very clear information I am looking for. Do you?
Heidi
Do you love what you do? How would you describe your personality?
Life purpose is to help people to the maximum in whatever way I can You can absolutely do this. What ways do you like to help people? and live with him. This, you have no control over.
What about keeping a conversation? Nope. No conversation. HE NEEDS TO COME TO YOU!!!!! This is sooooooo incredibly important. He needs to be the one who reaches out and starts the conversation. Your job is to respond and that’s it. Again, because you were quite forceful and disrespectful towards him, he needs to know that is not going to happen again. Being that you are unblocked, the more he feels that you are NOT going to use that to your advantage and bombard him again, the better. He needs to feel that it is safe for him to keep you unblocked and that you are not going to start to try and get him back again and cross his boundaries again. Stay silent. Keep living your life and let him come to you. He may never initiate and that is a reality and that it why it’s important for you to keep living your life and not wait for him. He will respect and like that about you.
Heidi
Hi Diana,
I understand you want to fight. I understand how his past choices really impacted how you felt about him – even if his heart was in a good place. I understand that he also is harboring some past hurts toward you as well.
This is a lot more complicated than you probably realize. Letting go of the past is much easier said than done – for both of you. Would you both consider working with a specialist? This really is your best option. BOTH of you need to work with a person who can help you guys navigate all the feelings that are being carried around. There’s a lot there for both of you and trying to do this alone can be quite tricky. Are you willing to do this? Do you think he would be willing?
Have you told him how you feel? Does he know you want to fight for him now? If you have told him, what’s his response?
I’m not very clear, are you guys living in separate locations at the moment?
To start, a good thing to do is to let him know the positive things you feel for him. Start complimenting him. Let him know when a certain shirt or color he wears is attractive to you. Let him know some of the qualities you admire and respect about him. Let him know why you love him and want to fight for him. A good philosophy to build into your connection FOREVER is “small things often.” You BOTH needs to start making “deposits” into your relationship bank. It’s VERY important to have enough “money” in the relationship bank to handle when things don’t go well.
Heidi
I don’t know exactly what I want to accomplish next year, but I guess I just want to pursue this journey and keep focusing on myself. To what end? What are you hoping to accomplish by focusing more on yourself?
Wow! Sounds like there was good chemistry and connection. How was the conversation? Did you laugh a lot? Are you attracted to him – do you like like him or just like him?
(not sure if that last question made sense to you – it’s a thing we say here)Heidi
I’m sorry you have struggled so much Jadene. It really is awful to be rejected, no chosen, left out and misunderstood. Having so many experiences like that would absolutely contribute to low self-esteem. No wonder why you are so uncomfortable deep down with connecting. Your system would naturally be on high alert preparing for another rejection.
Would you be willing to work with someone on clearing these experiences?
It seems like leaning back is good but avoiding sharing how I feel isn’t. Leaning back is good. Remember, you want to shift the pattern of chasing after unavailable men, so being the initiator in connecting with him, will take you down that path. It’s best to keep this guy as a friend and nothing more. I would not suggest trying to pursue anything further with him romantically. He seems quite confused and carries the kind of baggage that will always make him unavailable for deep intimacy.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
Wow! Thank you for sharing your story with us. There is A LOT to unpack here and I have a TON of questions, so let’s just start here.
1. Do you know why you never wanted to fight for the relationship?
2. Was there ever a point where you both felt the attraction and love and aliveness in your relationship?
3. Do you know what caused all of that to go away?You didn’t want to fight for him until he mentioned divorce and taking the kids and not supporting you anymore…and now you want to fight for him – so it seems the loss of your life is the impetus and NOT the loss of him – so you actually want to fight for your life and not really him – Does any of this resonate for you at all? It’s important to be very honest here if we are going to guide you through this in the best way possible. No judgment here!
Heidi
I’m so glad you had a good time! I’m really looking forward to your pictures!
I bet you will get some pictures of the waterful! Hopefully it didn’t rain!
Heidi
How are you feeling? I know it is much easier said than done to let go of this guy – to let go of love. I am strong, but it has come from starting to make decisions that were loving for myself – and that meant saying no to a lot of things I really didn’t want to say no to. Building your self-esteem starts with moments like this one where you choose yourself over a connection that is rejecting.
Keep talking Anna! There is a lot to work through.
Heidi
