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As I keep saying I do want this person as a friend because of the small population and prior connection. If he just continues to not show up for me then I’ll know my answer that he just isn’t You don’t want this person as “just a friend.” You expressed your hurt feelings to him, the agreement was to be “friends” with the potential for something more. In essence, how you are experiencing him, how you are thinking about him, how you are observing him – is all from a romantic mindset. So I go back to this question…you KNOW he is not available for you in the way you are wanting. You KNOW his fear about relationships and the low self-esteem he carries around that topic is A LOT and it stops him from moving forward into something more meaningful – hence he is not available for you. Why are you still open to pursuing a romantic connection with him? I understand there is a small population, so I can understand staying friends. If he just continues to not show up for me, then I’ll know my answer. How many times does he have to “not show up” for you until you decide 100% to close the door on the romance side of things? He has already told you and shown you that he cannot offer what you want, yet a part of you is still holding on, hoping he will change. You are incredibly frustrated with how you keep attracting unavailable men, yes here you are again, keeping the door open to another unavailable man KNOWING he cannot offer you what you want. Like I’ve said many times, if you want to shift this pattern, you need to make different choices. Choose to close the door on this. Let go of the idea of a relationship with him and move on. Thoughts?
Isn’t the point of reading a course to master the material and learn something? Of course! However, the root of your pattern lives in the programs and beliefs about relationships. The HI materials, nor any other information for that matter, will shift that pattern for you. The HI material is more of a surface tool. It’s a way to improve connection, but it doesn’t change how a person interacts with love. If a guy is emotionally unavailable, he is that way for a reason and the only thing that shifts that, is if the guy works more deeply with his traumas, beliefs and programs around love. So shifting your pattern means identifying a guy who is emotionally unavailable and WALKING AWAY from that, regardless of the connection or attraction you have towards each other. It doesn’t seem like you are in a place where you are willing to do that quite yet. It seems you are still waiting and watching and seeing for this guy to finally show up for you. This is the core issue for you to work with if you want to change your experiences.
Heidi
I want to continue my journey and feel totally free from all my past behaviour, my fears 🙂 What specific past behaviors? What specific fears?
Whoa!!!! 1200 people???? How AMAZING!!!!! What did that feel like? Do you like how you performed? Was the response good? Man, that’s a lot of power you have in those moments, isn’t it?? You are one of a kind for sure!
Heidi
But somehow we don’t make it to the next level, It sounds like you guys have a good, honest, open connection. This is a great start, but as you know, it’s just the beginning. To get past this point, this is where having an expert can guide you. Having someone who knows BOTH of you, offers objective guidance and help you both navigate your very personal and unique journey – it will yield the best results for you guys. Maybe check out https://www.gottman.com/ This is an INCREDIBLE resource for couples. You can also look to see if there is a Gottman trained therapist near you. A lot of therapists are now doing video sessions, so that can also be an option if there is not one near your area. They have A LOT of very powerful books with concepts and actions you can immediately begin to implement into your marriage.
I do want to say though, it’s one thing to educate yourself more and start to practice and develop new skills for connection, but it’s ANOTHER thing to work with the hurt and baggage you both are carrying individually AND as a couple. This is why finding an expert is helpful. They will be able to hold each of you accountable to the baggage you bring to the situation and be able to personally guide you through working with this baggage.
If he doesn’t feel quite ready yet, then YOU can start the process. Right now, action needs to be taken. Talking about it isn’t enough. If you want to fight for this, then it’s time for you to do something different. I know you found us here and that’s great! We can only do so much over this platform and I’m happy to support you and guide you as you go through this. However, I want to suggest a more impactful action. Find a specialist to work with, get one of the Gottman books and really commit with everything you have, to make this work.
Maybe a question you can ask him to start is, “I really want to focus on improving myself as your partner. What is 1 thing you would like to request that I do?” If you guys can find 1 thing for each other to focus on, what would that ACTION be?
Heidi
You are driving by his house???? I’m wondering if he is trying to figure out if you are still stalking him. BE CAREFUL!!!! The way he is asking questions has NOTHING to do with him wanting to reconnect with you. It seems like he is setting you up for something. If he is asking to borrow your car (which if he is rich, why? He has friends who have cars and I’m sure it would be easy for him to get access to one) and now he is asking which one you are driving – it has nothing to do with him wanting to actually borrow your car. There is something strange here. If you are still stalking him and driving by his house, LEAVE HIM ALONE!!!! You are ruining ALL chances of ever getting back with him.
Heidi
I do have a concern as you know with getting the HI material down correctly. This is my point. Your focus of doing things “correctly” or “right” is about being able to produce a specific result – and that is ultimately about your need to control the situation – most likely to avoid getting hurt again. Would you agree with this? If not, help me understand. What do you think or believe the HI material is going to do for you?
I get that. I pick or allow in or am attracted to unavailables like my parents. I think you’ve been saying he will not change so I need to look elsewhere. You CANNOT control who you are attracted to, but you CAN control what you do with that attraction. I have been attracted to emotionally unavailable men, but I have a STRONGER part of me that says, “Nope. Not going to do this anymore” and I very consciously choose to cut all connections and not source that attraction. You choose to feed that connection anyways and that is what is hurting you. And no, he isn’t going to change, but even beyond that, the fact that you want him to change is the issue here. A person needs to be loved for EXACTLY who they are – without needing them to change. If you cannot love the worst of someone and take their limitations and embrace them as part of your love, then you are NOT a good fit for that person and you step away.
I have never met anyone who loves me as I am. I have always felt a need to pursue and get it right before it slipped through my fingers, which it always has. It has always slipped through your fingers because you chose to try to make something work with unavailable men who didn’t have the ability to be in a sustainable relationship to begin with. It seems like you have this very strong program running in your system that love is about “doing” and not “being.” Therefore, the more you learn, the more you develop your skills, the more you “do” the “right” things, then you will be able to be loved and have a man that sticks with you. What your friend is doing is just “being.” She is just “being” herself and that man finds her attractive. It’s an “allowing” energy instead of a “pushing” energy that you come from. I understand you don’t know what this feels like. My guess is, your ability to push is powerful and has gotten you a lot of things in life, so it’s worked for you. With love, this is NOT the energy for building a successful relationship.
Okay well yes people show up and I can say no to the unavailable ones inatead of yes please sir can I have some more Do you understand WHY you say yes to the unavailable men? I know you get what your core wound is around this, but you are still saying yes and inviting pain into your life. What do you understand about your choice to do this?
Heidi
Hi Stephanie,
I see that you have another thread going where you are talking with Spyce. Is there a reason you started this other thread?
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Thank you for being here and sharing your challenge. I am so sorry for your heartache. The pain of losing someone you love is incredibly challenging to navigate. I understand you want him back and I understand that the love you felt between the both of you was very strong.
She is very unattractive, has 3 kids and he’s 20 Help me understand a little more here. He is 20 years old? If that’s true, you guys have been together since he was 15 years old? What is your age? How old is your daughter? Do you have other children? Is her father involved in the picture at all?
Right now, it’s important that you really understand it is BEST that you don’t try and get him back. He is VERY confused and not sure what he wants. The stress of your daughter is obviously a big deal and highly impactful. I would focus on resolving whatever is happening between you and her and stabilize that relationship FIRST. There is no way he is going to want to step back into the same environment.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Which is another reason I felt hurt by Nick, I let my guard down and he knew my heart. He knew I wasn’t looking for anything casual. I’m honest and straightforward, sometimes to a fault. Of course you let your guard down. He was in alignment with you! He was planning a future with you, he was saying all the right things, you guys were really connected and enjoying the relationship – until he changed his mind. This is something you will NEVER have control over or be able to avoid. A person is who they are, until they aren’t. This is why love is such a risk. You just never know what the other person is going to do. So be gentle with yourself. You are doing the very best that you possibly can.
I’m honest and straightforward, sometimes to a fault. That’s okay! It’s better to be this, than not. ALL qualities have a more effective side and a less effective side to them. So your honesty is beautiful and powerful and important AND it can be harmful. This is just how it is for every aspect of our personalities. I actually teach people, if you want to learn what the challenging parts are going to be about a person, just look at their greatest qualities and then figure out what the shadow side is to each quality and that’s what you will be dealing with as well.
I realize it is impossible to have all of your needs met by your spouse. It’s not about having all your needs met, it’s about having your non-negotiables met. 100% of them. Your non-negotiables are about those REQUIREMENTS of what needs to exist in a relationship in order for you to feel nourished and supported. If these qualities do not exist, you will not make it in the relationship. Have you ever thought what those elements might be? For me, I CANNOT live without romance. My soul will die a slow death without romance. I CANNOT live without activity. My guy needs to be an active guy – hiking, biking, going to the gym – he needs to enjoy moving somehow and have that be part of his life. Understanding what these elements are for you, are important – so you are VERY clear as to where you can compromise and where you will not compromise. Just something to think about.
Heidi
I’m sorry you are struggling so much. Thank you for sharing all of this with me. It’s a lot you are carrying emotionally and physically. I’ve had enough experience in my job and personal life to understand the strong connection between what lives in someone’s energetic/emotional body and how the physical body is an expression of that.
I’d just ruin the picture. like i always do. Whenever these thoughts and feelings come into your mind, follow it with the truth. ALWAYS connect yourself back to the higher truth. So you can say “I’d just ruin the picture AND I AM LOVEABLE. AND through the eyes of truth (or God – or whatever you want to insert there) I AM BEAUTIFUL AND FILLED WITH DIVINE LIGHT.” This is where you keep reminding yourself that you are MORE than the limitations of your physical body. You are MORE than whatever your low self-esteem says you are.
Now i just have to figure out if i can work with this picture and learn to be happy with others! lol 🙂 I’m going to keep bringing you back to the phrase that you strongly resonated with. YOU CANNOT GIVE WHAT YOU DON’T HAVE. You cannot be truly happy with others until you are truly happy within. How you relate to other people is a reflection of how you relate to yourself. The jealousy about your friend’s happiness, the contempt towards that Indian man – those are all feeling YOU carry that those people just happen to activate. It’s not about “learning” to be happy with other people – it’s about healing the baggage you are carrying and then being happy with other people will be natural and effortless – not “learned.”
Heidi
I am continually receiving messages from non-human creatures, guiding me to continue working behind the scenes or camouflaged. I take this to mean the work with the HI material. Guidance from spirit “creatures” can many times have various meanings to them. I’m curious why you feel the guidance is about working with the HI materials specifically.
I did notice that today without thinking about it I did something the right way. I’d like to guide you away from that black and white (right and wrong) kind of thinking. It can be very damaging and quite deflating. Right DOES NOT equal the result you want and nor does wrong equal a bad result. Right and wrong, at it’s source, is judgement. Who is to say what is right or wrong? It all depends on the viewpoint, right? Instead of right or wrong, I like view things more from the lense of more effective or less effective. Even in the worst decisions or behaviors (wrong), there is ALWAYS something effective that can come out of it. You seem to have a very strong attachment to doing things the “right” way in order to produce a certain result. In the world of relationships, love and people, that just does not happen.
I don’t really have any kind of hope that anything I could do or not do would really have any impact on bringing him back so to speak, maybe because I’m so used to disappointment that I can’t imagine I could ever prevail in winning love. I mean, this is what has always happened, more or less every time I have really liked someone they have been distant and I have been on my own. It don’t really look at it as my fault as you say but more as a pattern ingrained in me through trauma and abandonment by my family of origin. One of the things it seems you are not really taking into account is the KIND OF PERSON you are trying to get attention from. This, first and foremost, is one of the biggest factors influencing the kind and level of connection that exists. His lack of connection is about HIM and not about what you are doing or not doing. maybe because I’m so used to disappointment that I can’t imagine I could ever prevail in winning love. Let’s talk about this further. “prevail in winning love” sets you up for EARNING love by doing and being the right kind of person. There is NOT truth in this statement. Love exists just because. You can be loved JUST FOR BEING you – no tricks, no games, no manipulations, no NOTHING. Just you being EXACTLY who you are is enough. Anyone who cannot offer you a connection from that place, is NOT someone you want in your life anyway. I don’t really look at it as my fault as you say but more as a pattern ingrained in me through trauma and abandonment by my family of origin. This IS saying it’s your fault. You are saying you have a pattern ingrained in you that causes an abandonment pattern. Your core belief is that your inability to “win love” lives within you. It seems like you are saying that YOU are the one responsible. The place where you are responsible lives within the choice you make of WHO you invite your life. From the sounds of it, the people you have tried to build relationship with, are pretty damaged and unavailable. Your choice NOT to walk away from that, IN THE BEGINNING, is where you can hold yourself accountable. The fact that the connection failed is not because YOU couldn’t make it work. You were trying to make something work that was NOT workable to begin with. So this has nothing to do with the abandonment patterns you carry. It’s that energy that CHOOSES to engage emotionally unavailable men, NOT the failure of it.
Thoughts?
Heidi
But i was under the impression that i had to learn how to love HER, This is where the “you cannot give what you don’t have” concept applies. In order to truly love her, you have to truly love yourself first. I know there are a lot of parts of you that you love and your relationship with yourself has drastically upleveled since you have been here. You have done an incredible amount of work with yourself. To love her though, means loving the feminine which means loving the feminine within yourself first. Thoughts on this?
However, the reason i have no energy for women has nothing to do with holding on to my past emotions and traumas. All I have to say about this, is you actually have no idea if that is true. You have lived with this contempt towards women and ethiopians and indians for soooooo long that you have NO CLUE how much energy goes into sourcing and keeping that contempt alive. It’s so much a part of your life that it’s as natural as breathing. If you were to actually step into those feelings and release them, THEN you would actually have some perspective about how much energy it was requiring from you.
It’s the same way with the women i meet in real life. I can sense the depth of interest in a person. I don’t hang around where i sense no interest. I totally get this! I understand and it’s appropriate and a very normal way to approach any kind of relationship. However, for you there is always that underlying contempt towards women that taints every experience you have with them – whether you realize it or not. You have less patience, you have more judgment, you have more criticism, you have less interest in general about women. You inherently find little to no value in having female friends in your life. Which is okay of course. It’s not like you are someone who isn’t in process. You have a lot to work through and this is a pretty big topic that has a very strong hold on you. I trust that when you are ready, IF you are ever ready to free yourself from these kinds of feelings, you will step into it and figure it out.
AS for my list of lies — i’ve been experiencing something really powerful — i’m ‘hearing’ the truths through others. What a beautiful experience! Now you should go write those down next to the lies they counteracted! You should fill out every truth you come across, whether it’s from some external voice or a saying you see on a billboard. I bet your list of truths will get filled up quite quickly! That would be a fun game to play!
There is a book I have called angel numbers. It goes through many of the common pattern of numbers and what those number mean. I usually keep it in my car so I can look things up while out and about and run into number sequences that catch my attention. I loaned the book out though, otherwise I’d look up what 67 means and what the message is. Fun and delightful!
Heidi
Mean, toxic, abusive, dysfunctional people have always crossed my path because of the core wounding dealt me by my family. It’s interesting that you blame yourself. Why is that? These type of people are everywhere, so I’m wondering if you operating of off the idea that because of the core wounding and the energy it created within you, that energy attracts those types of people and experiences into your life. Is this your belief system?
Well, it sounds like you feel very resolved about Jeremy and that it’s clear you want to practice drums a few times a week. All you can do is give it shot and if too much drama comes from it, then you step out of it.
I’m curious…What are your goals with the land?
I’m happy to refer you my coach. She works INCREDIBLY deep and is masterful at working with core wounds. I’ve seen A LOT of healers and therapists over the years and no one holds a candle to her abilities. She is not the right fit for everyone though. All you can do is give it a shot. I will email you her contact info and then you can just set up a short conversation where you can ask her some questions, let her know what you want and she will talk about her approach. If you decide you want an introductory session, you can schedule something then. Let me know if this interests you.
Heidi
How does what I said, make you feel? Do you feel okay letting him go? Do you feel you want to have a conversation with him and possibly consider pursuing a connection with him again?
When you date, do you just date and let the level of connection and chemistry guide you? Or do you have a more specific, purposeful approach? For example, I have all kinds of questions that I ask so I can learn very specific things about him before getting all wrapped up in the connection. I am very purposeful and direct. I have a very clear directly and very clear information I am looking for. Do you?
Heidi
Do you love what you do? How would you describe your personality?
Life purpose is to help people to the maximum in whatever way I can You can absolutely do this. What ways do you like to help people? and live with him. This, you have no control over.
What about keeping a conversation? Nope. No conversation. HE NEEDS TO COME TO YOU!!!!! This is sooooooo incredibly important. He needs to be the one who reaches out and starts the conversation. Your job is to respond and that’s it. Again, because you were quite forceful and disrespectful towards him, he needs to know that is not going to happen again. Being that you are unblocked, the more he feels that you are NOT going to use that to your advantage and bombard him again, the better. He needs to feel that it is safe for him to keep you unblocked and that you are not going to start to try and get him back again and cross his boundaries again. Stay silent. Keep living your life and let him come to you. He may never initiate and that is a reality and that it why it’s important for you to keep living your life and not wait for him. He will respect and like that about you.
Heidi
