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I think you’re saying overall that as I continually return to self-acceptance I will eventually attract in the kind of people who mirror my confidence or self-valuation. This is part of it, yes. How you feel about yourself will influence the kind of people attracted to you. More importantly though, it will influence who YOU are attracted to. As you strengthen your self-love, you will have less attraction toward those who are not very self-loving – hence the emotionally unavailable type. This is where the concept “like attracts like” comes in. Imagine you are a radio station and you are 105.3. That frequency will live in a world with people who are close to 105.3. If you change frequencies to 92.1, then you will start to create a world with people who live around 92.1. That’s why self-love is so incredibly important in order to be effective at choosing who to date. But I’m not just talking about the self-love that is easily there when we think about what we are good at, the good aspects of ourselves or when we do good things. I’m talking about the self-love that exists when we get rejected, when we mess up, when we hurt someone – our shadow side. That’s the TRUE test of self-esteem. One of my favorite quotes says: “Self-esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.” Esther Perel. Developing that kind of self-love takes work and practice. As you start to connect more deeply to your value, you will have a natural instinct to want to better protect your heart. You will naturally be more discerning and because you treat yourself so well, you will not tolerate someone who is not able to support that. You will always be tested though. I still have emotionally unavailable guys show up in my life, offering me an experience. I say no EVERY SINGLE TIME, right from the start, because I have no interest in having that kind of experience anymore. I would rather be the last person on the planet than deal with constant rejection. I love myself and value myself so much and I protect that with everything I have – even if it means being alone.
Good job for focusing on the positive with Marcia. Whenever I have people like that in my life, I say in my mind, “Show me the truth about what I need to know or see about this situation.” Or “let me see Marcia through eyes of truth” or “let me see this guy or situation through eyes of truth.” I keep making that statement and without fail, eventually I get new information that helps me or my feelings shift, or their feelings shift.
Heidi
creating the non-negotiable list is really difficult. There are many many layers to it and it takes quite a bit of time. Your list is not unrealistic at all. Here is a way to view the non negotiables. There are 3 parts to a relationship. 1. YOU 2. HIM 3. The RELATIONSHIP You both contribute to the 3rd part. It’s VERY possible to love HIM, but no the relationship. It’s possible to love the relationship, but not him. You want to love both if things are going to last. So when thinking about the non-negotiables, it’s first about him and then it’s about the 3rd part – the relationship.
Let’s expand your list a little more. His own passion, purpose and career. Is it okay if he is passionate about making money and that is his purpose and what his career supports? How do all of these qualities show up in a relationship? What does your dream relationship feel like to you? How do these qualities you mentioned end up being expressed in the relationship?
If you think your list seems unrealistic, maybe you should consider that your standards are a little low. Are you all of those qualities that you listed? I imagine so. So if YOU have all of those qualities, why can’t a man also have all of those qualities?
No need to think about getting back into the dating scene quite yet. Give yourself a little time to figure out how to navigate what you are dealing with right now. First, do you want to rekindle things with Nick? Or do you feel like you are okay with letting him go now?
Heidi
CLoudy, dreary weather is really tough. Have you thought of doing some light therapy? It can really help quite a bit!
That is great news about the job possibility. Is it with a different company? Have you done any research about the company there? I’d hate to see you step into another situation where you really struggle with the people. You have been unhappy for so long, so I hope there is a way for you to be more discerning instead of just taking the next job that opens up.
I REALLY think that writing that children’s book would be a fun adventure for you!!! Who knows where it will take you!
I love that you are getting ready for home and getting some of your xmas presents organized. A calendar is a great idea! You have so many gorgeous photos!!!
Heidi
Thank you for explaining more. It’s helps me better guide you.
What about the insecurities you feel or him feeling like he cannot offer the same amount of love you offer him? What is this about?
It’s important to understand the foundation of a relationship and what helps make it last. What breaks the connection is how 2 people treat each other at their worst moments. When someone is verbally abusive, critical, stonewalling or something to that effect – which if you tend to have a sharp tongue – it really causes damage to the receiving person. They then don’t feel emotionally safe with their partner and that then impacts every other aspect of the relationship.
My point being, is although he is missing you and wanting to possibly come back to you, because there IS a lot of good between you guys – what is stopping him from committing to you is how he feels around you when things are not so good. I have no doubt he loves you and really enjoys being around you – when things are good – and that is what he is missing. I suggest if you really want him back and you want him to commit, you have a conversation with him about how you are impacting him when you are angry, jealous, insecure etc. I suspect that if you learn how to shift a lot of that, he will feel much more inspired to want to be with you. You need to take action though…it’s not about only learning how you can be a better partner, it’s about taking ACTION in becoming that better partner. I suggest to plan a date with him, go to a beautiful restaurant, get all gussied up and feel beautiful, and then have this conversation. You can even start the conversation by saying “What can I do to be a better partner for you?” Really listen to him with no other agenda than to understand his experience of you and learn what you can do to shift things a bit.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Wow! What a beautiful spirit you are! Good job for working to stay as positive and loving towards yourself, in the midst of such incredible and shocking pain. This will even help your daughter be able to process the loss as well. You are her role model!
Like you said, dissolve everything as fast as possible. It’s like ripping off a bandaid – it hurts like crazy, but it’s needed. There needs to be nothing connecting you guys. As far as him getting an apartment near you, he needs to let go of the feeling of being responsible for you guys. If there is an emergency, he is not the person to come rescue you guys. You need to set up a different support system. He NEEDS to know what it feels like to not have to take care of you guys anymore. Let him know that you have other people that can help out if anything happens and he needs to find an apartment that he loves anywhere he wants.
Can you help me understand why he texted me constantly and told me just 3 days before that I was the only person he ever wanted to be with in this world, while he was having this emotional affair? So confusing, right??? I am not him of course, but I’ll give you my best educated guess. It may be because he was feeling guilty. Guilt will cause people to magnify feelings they have – kind of like professing his love for you, because he feels guilty. Part of it may be about convincing you of his love and helping to cover up his feelings for another – preventing you from becoming suspicious at all. Another very real reason, is that he does feel that way – but also feels this other part of himself that is strong too. He is split. One part deeply loves and connects with you, while another part is strongly pulling at him to go have other experiences. When someone is split, it’s INCREDIBLY uncomfortable because both parts are very strong. People a lot of times will try to shove one part of them into a box because they don’t want to feel that way. It never works though. My guess is, this has been going on for him, for quite a while. I imagine he just kept shoving that “need to figure out who I am” into a box but it’s big enough now, that he couldn’t contain it anymore. There is also the habit of you. You guys have built your entire lives around each other, so going a day without connecting in the usual pattern is like going into withdrawal from a very powerful emotional addiction. He doesn’t know who he is without you, so it’s normal for him to want to keep reaching out to you – so he can feel some stability, some sense of normal and feel that part of himself that he loves – because what he is going through is scary – and you represent solidarity.
Does this help at all?
maybe this video will help a bit in understanding what you both are going through: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
How do you like the book so far? Are you learning anything about yourself?
I’m sorry you are struggling so much. I know the majority of your experiences when it comes to relationships and connection, have been intensely challenging. Rejection is hard, especially when it’s over and over and over again. You have to keep choosing yourself. You have to keep loving yourself and reconnecting over and over and over again to the higher truth….you are loveable and worth knowing – even if all of these people don’t think so. That’s the opportunity in all of this rejection…each time you get rejected, you get to learn how to love yourself even more. This is part of how you shift those very deep core beliefs that you carry about yourself.
Heidi
Thank you for sharing more details. You really are dealing with a lot.
I have never given him an ultimatum but he has said that exact thing to me before. I think this is probably the most important thing to pay attention to here. He would choose her over you…his girlfriend. That’s telling you that whatever he does for her is more important than keeping you in his life. I know it’s not about romance and it’s more about him feeling obligated and committed to keeping her safe. I have no doubt she is soaking that up and I also have no doubt she is biding her time and hoping you move out. The thing is Kimberly, the issue isn’t that you are too independent and that you need to “need” him more – the issue is within him. His ex is really playing it up and sucking him into this hero/victim role. He isn’t seeing it that way, he feels 100% clear and committed to taking care of her – even at the expense of your relationship. That’s a problem…a BIG problem, because it’s a deal breaker. Whatever his abandonment issues are that could possibly be sourcing this very unhealthy connection, they are bigger than the love that exists between the 2 of you.
You need to decide what is right for you. Your relationship is falling apart because of his choices, the lack of connection and intimacy between the 2 of you and it’s time to have a real heart to heart conversation with him. You can say something like “I love that you are so incredibly loyal, caring and loving. What you are doing with her is really nice of you AND it’s also hurting our relationship. I understand your need to protect her and take care of her. You get to make that choice of course. I would never want to tell you what to do. I do need to tell you that I cannot live like this anymore. I miss you, I miss our connection and I’m feeling more and more distant from you. So, I would never ask you to choose between me and her. I love you and want to keep you in my life, so the best that I can do is move out on my own. You can come visit me and we can try and build our relationship in our own space again. I will be moving out by the end of the year.”
He isn’t going to change, but you can. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices not by you giving him an ultimatum, but by you choosing yourself and creating a different design. Who knows where the relationship will go at that point, but if it fades out and doesn’t work, wouldn’t you say that’s important information for you to know? If this girl has THAT much of a hold on him, he is way too dysfunctional to ever sustain a healthy, nourishing, long lasting relationship.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Delisa!
Wow! What an interesting situation you have. I’ve never coached this particular topic before, in this way. I love that you are here and curious and want to understand more deeply what is happening. There is actually A LOT to talk about with this topic, so let’s see where this adventure takes us.
First, let’s talk about this statement: I don’t know what I was doing correctly before. Every man I dated wanted commitment and marriage. It’s not about doing anything correctly or incorrectly. Committing to love is a big deal and MANY things influence 2 people making that kind of choice. AND….just because there was a commitment, doesn’t mean it’s anything beyond that. The commitment is just the starting point of a different journey. How you handle that new path of commitment is what is more important, wouldn’t you say? You’ve had 2 divorces, yes? Let’s talk about that.
What this current guy has expressed about his concerns, are they similar things you have heard from your previous relationships? Why did those relationships end? Do you understand and see why your current guy is concerned? Are you pressuring him? Do you feel like he needs to show you more love? Do you get angry a lot? What are you like when you get angry?
Why do you want to be with this man? If you really want to change how he feels about you, it’s important to really understand his concerns and begin to relate to him in a way that makes him feel emotionally safe with you. That’s just part of the puzzle, he carries the other part. You can’t do anything about his side of things, but you can start to learn how to become a better partner.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh man….you aren’t going to like this. No contact at all. Completely disengage from each other 100%. No visits even with your kids.
This is important because in order for you to heal and for him to truly move on, no contact is crucial. You both have to start getting used to a new kind of day…the kind of day WITHOUT each other. This is so incredibly hard, especially with how good of a friendship exists. But there is NO WAY to be friends – not while there are still feelings. I’ve tried a million times to go from romance to friends and it just doesn’t work. You need to heal, he needs to heal and this allows for the flame to slowly die out. It allows for you both to build your lives WITHOUT each other’s influence. Once you both are able to be neutral with each other, THEN there is a possibility you can be friends again. The test I always like to use for myself to see where I am at with an ex, is to imagine bumping into him with another girl. If I am able to truly feel happy for him as my first reaction, then I know I am ready to be friends should that present itself. If I still feel hurt, jealousy, wanting him back or anything negative, then I know I still have more healing and processing work to do. I know right now, the though of him with another girl probably breaks your heart into a million pieces. Your heart can be repaired and able to love another – whether it’s another man or whether it’s him again, 10 years down the road.
The problem with staying connected to each other, is it never really allows either of you to move on completely. As long as that flame is being sourced by you guys connecting, then it will never die out…and that is what needs to happen. You DO NOT want to have to experience him slowly disengaging, not texting as much, being more and more busy, feeling him not as interested or anything of that nature!!! It’s awful and it’s torture. It’s what is going to happen over time as he starts to date and explore and figure out who he is. He needs to do that without you. He needs to figure out his own life, without your advice, your friendship, your encouragement, your love – if he is going to truly develop in a healthy way. I know you were settled on him and I’m sooooo so sorry you are having to say goodbye to that dream. It’s incredibly hard to let a dream go – sometimes it’s the hardest part of the ending. You can do it though!
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
Wow! You really are going through a lot! I’m so sorry how things changed. It’s awful for you to be there.
I don’t know what is going on for him, but whatever it is, it’s something that is not fixable by you. You haven’t done anything. At least not from what you have shared. It sounds like his feelings have shifted, but there is no specific reason as to why. What can happen sometimes is someone starts to get what they want, but they are actually not set up to be happy. Their system sabotages their happiness and there is NO way you can shift that for someone else. That is a battle they have to take on within themselves. He either knows the reason or truly doesn’t know – either way, he is no longer available for you. I know how shocking that is for you, especially since there is quite a history of wonderful interactions.
You need to go home. DO NOT go to Italy together. It’s very clear he has no interest in being around you and you sure as heck don’t deserve to be treated this way. Protect yourself and go home. Italy WILL NOT be any fun for either of you!!!
You want to be around someone who has NOTHING stopping them from wanting to know you. Do you REALLY want to spend your energy trying to “convince” a guy to come back to you???
Heidi
Thank you for explaining more! I can see why he would want to step away from this situation. It’s tough dealing with a kid, that isn’t yours – who is verbally abusive. He is also only 20. I know he has been through a lot in his life and he appears to be more mature than most. It doesn’t change that he is still not fully developed in his brain. It doesn’t change that a normal, typical phase for a 20 year old to go through is to be experimental, explorative and free. He is soooooo young developmentally and it’s not surprising that a very natural part of him is going to want to go be a kid. He missed A LOT of his youthful years where he was supposed to be playful, being parented – NOT parenting your kids – and being a young teenager. His spirit really missed a lot of what is important in development and it’s not unusual for him to want to experience a lot of what he missed – dating, liking different girls, being rejected by different girls, having sex with different girls – getting to know his likes and dislikes. I know you guys have an incredible friendship and connection. The kindest thing you can do for him is to let him go and allow him to grow up. If he is to ever come back to you, it needs to be AFTER he has really figured himself out. He has spend so much of his developing years being a “father” to your kids when he is still a kid himself. As painful as it is for both of you, he truly needs to go figure out who he is without being a “father” or a boyfriend. He needs to go date other girls, he needs to go develop his own thoughts and feelings, separate from you and he needs to go live his life on his own and figure out who he is. Then…maybe later on down the road, he can come back to you as a man, whole and complete and knowing who the heck he is.
I know this is not what you want to hear. I know this breaks your heart…and his too. I will tell you….it will be more painful down the road when this need of his to figure out his life becomes bigger and bigger. This feeling he has is not going to go away. It’s just going to magnify over time and it will only cause him to want to cheat again or who knows what else. Love him enough to let him go so he can grow up.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Stop all at once. I’m sure he won’t ask about it, but it doesn’t matter. Who knows what is going on in his mind and you will probably never know. You need to truly stay away from him.
Heidi
Rhonda!!! I have the best idea for a children’s book that you could do! What if the focus was about teaching kids about the different types of animals out there…birds and land animals. You seem to know a lot about birds! And what if you called the book “The little tumbleweed” And that’s the main character. The tumbleweed gets blown all over the country and hangs out in different spots and travels by all different kinds of animals and sometimes when the wind is strong enough, it gets to fly with the different types of birds. LOL!!! I can totally feel this book!!! It’s educational, fun and so sweet!!!
I’m so excited for you to get a good dose of your boys and then your home! Your soul is going to be sooooooo happy! We haven’t gotten any snow yet. It is in the forecast for this week, but not sure it’s going to happen. It’s still not cold enough yet…but we’ll see.
Trav finally got his passport! Yayaya! Now he is allowed to have some adventures with you! Everything is working out really well at the moment. Even though parts of your trip didn’t go so well, a lot is pretty wonderful too! I really am so excited for your trip home!!!
Heidi
Focusing on the wrong things, being afraid of not being good enough, lack of self esteem, self confidence that usually lead to me doing what people are expecting from me instead of doing and having what I want. How are you going to go about this? Do you really feel you have a lack of self esteem? From my perspective you have A LOT of high self esteem and some low self-esteem. The low self esteem will ALWAYS be there. Of course we can always keep working on it, but in the end, being that it is just part of the human experience, I’d say it’s the most effective to learn how to transition from low to high self esteem as quickly as possible.
I love that you got some amazing feedback. You are helping to change the world Emilie!!! That’s just amazing!!!
Heidi
