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I don’t want to make a decision in the heat of the moment n end up regretting it later on down the line so how do I know what the right thing to do is? There is no “right” thing. It’s more about doing what YOU need to do to protect your heart and the relationship. Any path you take, there are pros and cons to each. So it’s more about deciding what path inspires you the most. He has made his choice. If you want to stay with him, that means accepting his choice. I know you don’t like it, but forgiving him for his limitations is important. I know you have had a wonderful relationship, but in THIS MOMENT he is making a very destructive decision and not protecting the relationship. This is part of who he is, so now there are consequences to his choice of choosing her over you. Now YOU have to make a choice. Stay and continue getting hurt and building resentment, or leave and give yourself some peace, some space, and create a space that just your own – without her in it. Yes, you both will have to make more effort to see each other, but it’s do-able and probably worth the work…because it will just be the 2 of you without his ex around. Hopefully you guys will make it through this season. If not, you guys will be okay. One day at a time, right? And it’s not her fault. She isn’t making him do anything. She is just the impetus that is exposing something that lives within HIM that is quite dysfunctional and is ruining the relationship. He needs to face that if he is going to be able to sustain a relationship with you.
idk if I would ever b able to move back in this house again once I left. How come? Of course, the future is unpredictable and you never know. But that is always true. Whatever you decide, it’s about dealing with RIGHT NOW and figuring out a way to protect yourself and the relationship. What happens next week or a year from now is something you will deal with when the time comes.
I feel that if I do leave n tell him he can come c me at my house that I will resent him n feel like it’s his fault that we no longer live together anymore n that I had to get my own place. You are already becoming resentful staying where you are at right now. The advantage to leaving is that you at least won’t have to deal with his ex and watching her be manipulative. You can would be able to have your own quiet space and when he comes to visit, it’s JUST you guys. You can have sex without him looking over his shoulder. You will have an environment together where it’s just the both of you and she isn’t impacting anything. Doesn’t that sound nice? If you become resentful, then you face it and work on forgiving him for his choice. If you want to keep him in your life, which it sounds like you do, then moving out might actually save the relationship. It’s YOU fighting for yourself to not have to be constantly bombarded with his ex and how they function together. You get to have peace again. When you guys are together, it will just be the 2 of you again. You will get to create your little cocoon where your soul and heart and body can TRULY and DEEPLY rest. If you stay, that’s not possible. If you stay, your resentment and hurt will keep building and building and building. Thoughts?
Heidi
Well…it sounds like you feel good about everything again. Yes?
He definitely put in the effort that one night to connect with you. Considering how rejected you have felt in your life, having him go to such efforts would have been quite nourishing on your heart.
Your explorer spirit is beautiful. It’s part of the nourishment of your soul.
How is your brain doing today??
How come Ghent was disappointing? Those cathedrals sound amazing!!! I know you couldn’t get good pics, but I imagine being able to see them and look inside was quite spectacular.
When you have a Bob who is constantly disappointed in your work, it would be hard to maintain confidence. The gift is, you get to practice learning how NOT to give your power away to him. His opinion does not define you. Keep connecting yourself back to the higher truth that you are enough, just as you are. I know you can’t wait to get our from underneath him. I sure hope whatever opens up next, that you’ll actually be happy. It’s been a while.
Heidi
Oh yes! Glenwood springs is a nice place! Yes, I-70 goes waaaaay past Vail. It’s a tough interstate in the winter because of all the ski resorts. Sometimes I head up that way, but always plan to leave by noon on Sunday or I will be sitting in traffic for HOURS!!!! It’s about a 90-minute drive for me usually…I got stuck once and will never do it again….took me 4.5 hours to get home!!! It’s crazy in the winter!!!
I love how much you explore the areas that you go to! I have no clue where those places are that you mentioned in Vancouver Island, but if I ever go back, I will make sure to reach out to you!
Heidi
Well, then there is your answer. It sounds like it is more about him than you. It sounds like he wants the design where he can have sex with you, be friends with you, hang out with you and bond with you…but NOT be in a committed relationship. If that is really true, then he is not your guy. The thing is, he gets everything he wants already and for 3 years! Why would he want to change any of that???
So it’s up to you. Is a commitment really that important to you? Will it give you more or give you things you don’t have with him now? Do you feel satisfied with how things have been going between the both of you?
If not, then this is more about you shifting and disconnecting from him. You can simply say “We just want different things. I want to know you more deeply, I want to fall in love deeply, I want to focus on us and really build a life together. You don’t. I just cannot keep moving forward with you in this design anymore. I have reached my limit, so it’s time for you and me to go our separate ways….”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Karen,
Welcome! I am sooooo so sorry about your father. You must be heartbroken. I recently lost my father as well and it’s quite shocking. Life just isn’t the same without them. I hope you are being very kind to yourself and surrounding yourself with a lot of love and support. My heart is with you!
As far as this guy, I’m wondering why you are waiting to let him know. He is a guy…and a surgeon. He is just giving you space. Think about it this way….he has NO IDEA how you want to be supported through something like this. He doesn’t know what you need until you teach him what that is. Everyone is COMPLETELY different with what they need and how they want to be supported when challenges show up. He is also a surgeon which causes him to have a VERY different experience when it comes to sick people, hospitals and all of that stuff. It’s his work place! A part of him has to shut down and deal with patients from a very objective viewpoint if he is going to do his job well.
So…I suggest you let him know. I suggest you call him and NOT text. Or…you can text and say “My father has passed. I’m in shock. I need a hug. Would you be willing to talk later, even for 10 minutes? I could use a few kind and caring words right now.” You need to teach him what your needs are and give the guy a chance to be there for you!
Heidi
Well, another potential work adventure. I’m curious to see what happens!
I love that you make all of those things of your photos! It’s a great way to spread the beauty of your talent!!!
You crack me up! I had no idea I-70 was closed and the ski resorts are open. LOL. Yes, it’s VERY early! Where I live, we got a tiny bit of snow, but it melted the moment it hit the ground – which means no playing in the snow with the pups quite yet. It’s too muddy! LOL THe mountains however, got a good dusting, but it doesn’t look like enough to go skiing! The poor ski resorts has a very difficult year last year with a poor snowfall year, so I imagine they are trying to make up for it. Nothing has ever really returned back to full capacity since Covid too. I still see businesses slowly going under because they just couldn’t recover.
I’ve been to Vancouver Island. I have a client who owns a house on the island and they let me stay there for a mini vacation one time. I had a good time!!!
Heidi
Well, another potential work adventure. I’m curious to see what happens!
I love that you make all of those things of your photos! It’s a great way to spread the beauty of your talent!!!
You crack me up! I had no idea I-70 was closed and the ski resorts are open. LOL. Yes, it’s VERY early! Where I live, we got a tiny bit of snow, but it melted the moment it hit the ground – which means no playing in the snow with the pups quite yet. It’s too muddy! LOL THe mountains however, got a good dusting, but it doesn’t look like enough to go skiing! The poor ski resorts has a very difficult year last year with a poor snowfall year, so I imagine they are trying to make up for it. Nothing has ever really returned back to full capacity since Covid too. I still see businesses slowly going under because they just couldn’t recover.
I’ve been to Vancouver Island. I have a client who owns a house on the island and they let me stay there for a mini vacation one time. I had a good time!!!
Heidi
Whaaaaat? What a CRAZY story!!!! OMG!!!! That sounds lovely and so sweet and so incredibly strange! It sounds like you guys had a wonderful time – who knows what will happen next, but regardless, in the moment, it’s a pretty great experience!
What make you think I have a lot of high self-esteem ? The activities you do require confidence like pole dancing and getting on stage talking to 2500 people. You have a vision about how to help the environment and it takes confidence to build and implement that vision. The way you talk, there is always a knowing about who you are and what you want – that requires confidence. Even with men, you are able to maintain a level of self-care – you don’t completely lose yourself with them. You have always been able to be clear about how you are treated and eventually require that from them or you will walk away (and you have many times) – that requires confidence. You have a higher level of emotional intelligence – which requires confidence. You create a life of variety – you travel to different places, you try new thing, you move, you deal with a difficult boss with grace – all those things require confidence.
Heidi
I think you’re saying overall that as I continually return to self-acceptance I will eventually attract in the kind of people who mirror my confidence or self-valuation. This is part of it, yes. How you feel about yourself will influence the kind of people attracted to you. More importantly though, it will influence who YOU are attracted to. As you strengthen your self-love, you will have less attraction toward those who are not very self-loving – hence the emotionally unavailable type. This is where the concept “like attracts like” comes in. Imagine you are a radio station and you are 105.3. That frequency will live in a world with people who are close to 105.3. If you change frequencies to 92.1, then you will start to create a world with people who live around 92.1. That’s why self-love is so incredibly important in order to be effective at choosing who to date. But I’m not just talking about the self-love that is easily there when we think about what we are good at, the good aspects of ourselves or when we do good things. I’m talking about the self-love that exists when we get rejected, when we mess up, when we hurt someone – our shadow side. That’s the TRUE test of self-esteem. One of my favorite quotes says: “Self-esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed individual and still hold yourself in high regard.” Esther Perel. Developing that kind of self-love takes work and practice. As you start to connect more deeply to your value, you will have a natural instinct to want to better protect your heart. You will naturally be more discerning and because you treat yourself so well, you will not tolerate someone who is not able to support that. You will always be tested though. I still have emotionally unavailable guys show up in my life, offering me an experience. I say no EVERY SINGLE TIME, right from the start, because I have no interest in having that kind of experience anymore. I would rather be the last person on the planet than deal with constant rejection. I love myself and value myself so much and I protect that with everything I have – even if it means being alone.
Good job for focusing on the positive with Marcia. Whenever I have people like that in my life, I say in my mind, “Show me the truth about what I need to know or see about this situation.” Or “let me see Marcia through eyes of truth” or “let me see this guy or situation through eyes of truth.” I keep making that statement and without fail, eventually I get new information that helps me or my feelings shift, or their feelings shift.
Heidi
creating the non-negotiable list is really difficult. There are many many layers to it and it takes quite a bit of time. Your list is not unrealistic at all. Here is a way to view the non negotiables. There are 3 parts to a relationship. 1. YOU 2. HIM 3. The RELATIONSHIP You both contribute to the 3rd part. It’s VERY possible to love HIM, but no the relationship. It’s possible to love the relationship, but not him. You want to love both if things are going to last. So when thinking about the non-negotiables, it’s first about him and then it’s about the 3rd part – the relationship.
Let’s expand your list a little more. His own passion, purpose and career. Is it okay if he is passionate about making money and that is his purpose and what his career supports? How do all of these qualities show up in a relationship? What does your dream relationship feel like to you? How do these qualities you mentioned end up being expressed in the relationship?
If you think your list seems unrealistic, maybe you should consider that your standards are a little low. Are you all of those qualities that you listed? I imagine so. So if YOU have all of those qualities, why can’t a man also have all of those qualities?
No need to think about getting back into the dating scene quite yet. Give yourself a little time to figure out how to navigate what you are dealing with right now. First, do you want to rekindle things with Nick? Or do you feel like you are okay with letting him go now?
Heidi
CLoudy, dreary weather is really tough. Have you thought of doing some light therapy? It can really help quite a bit!
That is great news about the job possibility. Is it with a different company? Have you done any research about the company there? I’d hate to see you step into another situation where you really struggle with the people. You have been unhappy for so long, so I hope there is a way for you to be more discerning instead of just taking the next job that opens up.
I REALLY think that writing that children’s book would be a fun adventure for you!!! Who knows where it will take you!
I love that you are getting ready for home and getting some of your xmas presents organized. A calendar is a great idea! You have so many gorgeous photos!!!
Heidi
Thank you for explaining more. It’s helps me better guide you.
What about the insecurities you feel or him feeling like he cannot offer the same amount of love you offer him? What is this about?
It’s important to understand the foundation of a relationship and what helps make it last. What breaks the connection is how 2 people treat each other at their worst moments. When someone is verbally abusive, critical, stonewalling or something to that effect – which if you tend to have a sharp tongue – it really causes damage to the receiving person. They then don’t feel emotionally safe with their partner and that then impacts every other aspect of the relationship.
My point being, is although he is missing you and wanting to possibly come back to you, because there IS a lot of good between you guys – what is stopping him from committing to you is how he feels around you when things are not so good. I have no doubt he loves you and really enjoys being around you – when things are good – and that is what he is missing. I suggest if you really want him back and you want him to commit, you have a conversation with him about how you are impacting him when you are angry, jealous, insecure etc. I suspect that if you learn how to shift a lot of that, he will feel much more inspired to want to be with you. You need to take action though…it’s not about only learning how you can be a better partner, it’s about taking ACTION in becoming that better partner. I suggest to plan a date with him, go to a beautiful restaurant, get all gussied up and feel beautiful, and then have this conversation. You can even start the conversation by saying “What can I do to be a better partner for you?” Really listen to him with no other agenda than to understand his experience of you and learn what you can do to shift things a bit.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Wow! What a beautiful spirit you are! Good job for working to stay as positive and loving towards yourself, in the midst of such incredible and shocking pain. This will even help your daughter be able to process the loss as well. You are her role model!
Like you said, dissolve everything as fast as possible. It’s like ripping off a bandaid – it hurts like crazy, but it’s needed. There needs to be nothing connecting you guys. As far as him getting an apartment near you, he needs to let go of the feeling of being responsible for you guys. If there is an emergency, he is not the person to come rescue you guys. You need to set up a different support system. He NEEDS to know what it feels like to not have to take care of you guys anymore. Let him know that you have other people that can help out if anything happens and he needs to find an apartment that he loves anywhere he wants.
Can you help me understand why he texted me constantly and told me just 3 days before that I was the only person he ever wanted to be with in this world, while he was having this emotional affair? So confusing, right??? I am not him of course, but I’ll give you my best educated guess. It may be because he was feeling guilty. Guilt will cause people to magnify feelings they have – kind of like professing his love for you, because he feels guilty. Part of it may be about convincing you of his love and helping to cover up his feelings for another – preventing you from becoming suspicious at all. Another very real reason, is that he does feel that way – but also feels this other part of himself that is strong too. He is split. One part deeply loves and connects with you, while another part is strongly pulling at him to go have other experiences. When someone is split, it’s INCREDIBLY uncomfortable because both parts are very strong. People a lot of times will try to shove one part of them into a box because they don’t want to feel that way. It never works though. My guess is, this has been going on for him, for quite a while. I imagine he just kept shoving that “need to figure out who I am” into a box but it’s big enough now, that he couldn’t contain it anymore. There is also the habit of you. You guys have built your entire lives around each other, so going a day without connecting in the usual pattern is like going into withdrawal from a very powerful emotional addiction. He doesn’t know who he is without you, so it’s normal for him to want to keep reaching out to you – so he can feel some stability, some sense of normal and feel that part of himself that he loves – because what he is going through is scary – and you represent solidarity.
Does this help at all?
maybe this video will help a bit in understanding what you both are going through: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
How do you like the book so far? Are you learning anything about yourself?
I’m sorry you are struggling so much. I know the majority of your experiences when it comes to relationships and connection, have been intensely challenging. Rejection is hard, especially when it’s over and over and over again. You have to keep choosing yourself. You have to keep loving yourself and reconnecting over and over and over again to the higher truth….you are loveable and worth knowing – even if all of these people don’t think so. That’s the opportunity in all of this rejection…each time you get rejected, you get to learn how to love yourself even more. This is part of how you shift those very deep core beliefs that you carry about yourself.
Heidi
