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Your cookies sound really interesting! Would you mind sending me the recipe??
I live near Boulder – and yes, my mom actually lives one building over from me, so it’s perfect! She was able to help me A LOT during all my surgeries and now I get to return the favor. It really has been divinely perfect getting to live a 1 minute’s walk from each other. Quite a blessing.
It finally snowed last night. COLD!!!!! The streets are clear, but he the grass and trees are covered. It won’t last long since the sun will come out later and melt it all away pretty quickly. That’s my favorite part about Colorado…there is soooooo much sun! I would have an incredibly hard time living in the environment you are in. I’m really curious to see how your lungs respond once you get home.
I can’t believe you don’t have an oven there!!! What kind of apartment doesn’t have an oven??? Is that common there?
Hi Tracy,
Welcome! Would you mind explaining a little further about the nature of your relationship? Are you guys casual? Committed? You guys live in different states, so are there any plans to meet up again soon? Can you explain a little more as to why he feels overwhelmed? It sounds like he has a lot on his plate. Are you asking for things from him that make him feel like he isn’t ready for a relationship?
Heidi
I imagine you are also talking about this with your therapist. Are they helping??? This is incredibly tough what you are going through…what everyone is going through. These kinds of growing pains can feel debilitating. I hope your therapist is teaching you techniques and way to handle this kind of stress and disengagement.
So what is your plan?
Heidi
Great! I’m glad you have a better understanding. So what’s next? How are you feeling about everything? Do you feel resolved?
Heidi
I understand she is difficult to watch. It’s truly awful to watch someone you love be treated the way she treats him. She gets to be like though…and it works. She gets what she wants – which in the end, that’s what we are all trying to do anyways, right? She is an empty, miserable soul. Try to find your compassion for her. She behaves this way for a reason. She obviously has had a really tough life and has an incredible amount of low self-esteem. I would hate to be her and have feel like how she feels like every day. I’m glad you finally have decided to move out and protect yourself and save the relationship. You don’t need to watch this anymore. It’s toxic for you too!
How do u tell someone u love that u still wanna b in a relationship with them but u can no longer live in the same house as them anymore so ur moving out? How do I tell him that without hurting his feelings, breaking his heart or pushing him away? It’s going to hurt no matter what. There is no way to avoid this. You moving out is the best chance you have at keeping your sanity and keeping your relationship together. You are worried about pushing HIM away when he is the one choosing her over you??? This choice of moving out is choosing yourself. Don’t ever be sorry or doubt that decision. You are growing increasingly resentful and angry and that is NOT who you want to be how you want to live your life. If you lose him in the process, then wouldn’t you say that is something you need to know about him? Do you really want to stay with a guy who would choose her over you and break up because you want to save yourself and the relationship?? If you stay Kimberly, you are going to lose him anyways. You will grow so resentful and angry to the point that there will be no love left between you guys. So staying is not going to keep your relationship together. It might last a few more months, but there is still an ending in your future if you don’t protect yourself from being consumed by resentment.
You have this idea about one last Christmas in this house and I want to encourage you to stop that fantasy. There is not a single day in your house that you feel happy with him. She will be there for Christmas. You think that you are going to have this lovely, Christmas filled holiday as long as she is around?? She is going to do everything she can to steel him from you and get you away from him. Get out now! If there is a place available, you grab it. You can easily get your own Christmas day and then he can come to YOU and you guys can have a nice, peaceful, quiet holiday at your place. Christmas is not about the house, it’s about spending it together and making great memories. You think that’s going to be possible as long as she is around???? Nope.
Here is what you can say to him: “It’s time for me to move out. I am going increasingly resentful and angry that she is still in our home. If I am truly going to accept and honor your choice to protect her, then I need to leave. I cannot be around her anymore and I cannot watch you allow yourself to be treated this way. So the best I can do if find a peaceful place to live and have my own space and let you work this out on your own. This is not me leaving the relationship…this is me protecting our relationship in the only way I know how. I want you to come over as much as you want. I still want to be connected and I still love you so deeply. I want to have a space where we both get to re-connect with each other, without her around. I have already started looking at places, so I’ll let you know when I find something.”
I suggest finding a place that she won’t be able to walk to. I wouldn’t put it past her to follow him and figure out where you live. Since she doesn’t have a car right now, that is at least some good protection and she won’t be able to find out where you move to.
How can he be so stupid n naive. We all have our blind spots. He obviously has some pretty big trauma or belief that he living out through “rescuing” her. He is trying to make up for something or he is trying to fill himself up by being the “good guy.” There must be a pretty big hole inside his spirit that he feels the need to do this – even at the expense of your relationship. Whatever lives inside of that hole, is pretty powerful for him. You have made decisions from a wounded place, many times in your life. Look at those decisions and remind yourself of what it felt like and you might be able to find some understanding about what your guy is going through. He is in a lot of pain and trying to work through something – even though he may not be conscious of it.
Heidi
Hi NS,
Welcome to the forum. So you have had these strong feeling for this guy for over 2 years now. That’s a long time and I’m sure it hurts to not have him feel the same way about you. Unrequited love feels awful.
Let’s talk about what happened. What caused you guys to break up in the first place? I’m wondering why you think that his feelings for you are strong too. Every time you have tried to initiate something again, he says he doesn’t feel that way about you anymore, so what signals are you getting that lead you to believe he has strong feelings for you?
What hurt has happened between you guys? It’s been a few years – are you still holding onto the hurt? You want him back, so are you saying that his smoking and time keeping ways of living are not going to bother you anymore??
Heidi
Oh it sounds like a lot of fun when you go home. You guys are already getting quite a bit of snow. We have barely had any! It’s really strange. We usually have had at least 1 big snow by now. Everyone keeps saying we are going to have a really tough winter. I hope so. We need A LOT of snow to help with the drought and get the Colorado River back up to par. What kind of Christmas cookies do you guys make?
I don’t have any plans for the holidays. I’m house/dog sitting both times and my mom is going in for knee replacement surgery in 2 weeks – and that is A LOT for me to manage for a few months, helping her and her pup out. It’s just me and my mom anyways, so it’s always super low key – which we love!
Heidi
lol! I love how happy you have been feeling about going home. You get to see your boys and then you get to go say hello to your home. How long are you going to be home? What plans do you have? Are you spending Christmas by yourself?
Yes, Bob is a rollercoaster. Well, at least you are learning more about how to do what a turnover manager does. That makes you more valuable to the next company!
Smart thing to get a hotel in Amsterdam. I wouldn’t take a chance on public transportation either. You are setting yourself up for success and more smooth trip. It’s worth every penny!
Heidi
OH wow! I’m so glad you had fun on your safari trip!!!
So what does this mean that you guys are communicating better? Is he finally opening up about what is happening for him? Are you guy resolving anything? Or do you mean that you are now just being yourself and moving forward with the plan to have him move out and you guys are going to create separate lives now?
Heidi
Agape, unconditional love. This is not possible. Unconditional love does not exist in relationships. There are ALWAYS conditions in relationships. Agape love is more about being able to love someone beyond their humanness, but it DOES NOT mean you are in a relationship with them. I have always loved my father, but he was an evil man and not safe to be around – so we didn’t have a relationship. That love is agape love. The kind of love that keeps a relationship TOGETHER has conditions. What if you marry a guy who is motivated by money to support his kids and then over time, he grows into wanting more and more material things? He starts to let money control his time and his life. Are you going to stay with a guy who ends up letting money be more important than you? What if he ends up becoming physically abusive? So as you see, there ARE conditions and standards that are appropriate and needed in romantic love if it’s going to stay together. Agape love is NOT what keeps a relationship healthy. Does this make sense?
I understand how you want a relationship to look like. It’s very feminine. We view relationships differently than men though – we are just different. We are the caretakers of relationships – not men. Men take care of relationships in a different way. One difference, generally speaking of course, is men tend to be more attached to “producing” something in their life. They need to make things. They need to do things that have meaning. That’s why they typically were the ones who hunted for food. They provide. When a guy loses his direction with work or not sure how or what he is producing in this world, they become pretty awful at relationships. It really shakes them at their core. For women, our core is about relationships. The quality of relationships in our lives is VERY important. If our relationships are falling apart, we are falling apart. That’s why it’s much easier for us to be stay at home moms. We are the caretakers of relationships. If you leave a man at home with the kids, he typically will end up turning the job into some kind of project to manage. He might even find projects around the house to complete. DO you understand one of the main differences between us?
I’m glad you are ‘woooosahing’ and giving it to God. Relinquishing control and letting things be what they are is really important. Allow yourself to heal and accept Nick is not the guy for you – and your heart will heal and become available for another man who will take care of it much better!
Heidi
I’m not sure what you want with this guy. Are you wanting a relationship with him again? I thought you had settled that you didn’t want to move forward with him because he is emotionally unavailable and you didn’t want to go through that again. Did I misunderstand you? Or are you changing your mind?
Nothing he says really has any true weight until you see it in action. Actions and words need to line up in order to have integrity. So far, he spews a bunch of words with not a lot of action to support those words.
And what do you think it means about him that he is still friends with Marcia? I know she is manipulative and has a thing against you. Are you willing to forgive her and let all of it go? Are you able to find your compassion for her? You obviously activate a lot of low self-esteem in her for whatever reason. She feels powerless and is acting this way to find her power. That’s an awful feeling to have. I know she is not handling it in a healthy way, but if you look behind the action and are able to connect to compassion for how horrible she must feel inside to behave this way – it might help you deal with her antics better. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Pack up all his stuff into boxes and put it in the closet or garage or somewhere out of the way and out of sight. Go get duplicates of whatever you need and don’t wait for him to make a plan with you. He is too angry and is being passive-aggressive. Relying on him will not get anything done. You are not powerless here. You can dissolve everything yourself. It will take a little more work, but it’s important for YOUR healing and to create closure for both of you.
He wanted to crash his car because he is angry and resentful. Because he still carries hurts and traumas from his past and his parents, this separation is adding to the HUGE baggage he carries around and it’s activating the entire network. His feelings are out of control because he is carrying A LOT. You just happen to be the target for everything that’s happened to him in his life – so he is being passive-aggressive and finding every way possible to make your life difficult. You hurt him, he hurts you back. It’s child like energy that is taking over his system. That’s why it’s best to just do whatever you need to do to dissolve and disconnect everything without him. Let him throw his tantrums and be angry, but you move forward anyways. Your daughter and him are going to do whatever they do – regardless of what you say. You can’t control that aspect. All you can do is make your wishes known and stay connected to your daughter as much as you possibly can. Keep nourishing the relationship and keep creating space for her to talk about how she feels. She isn’t going to understand why this needs to happen, so you need to teach her it’s still going to be okay even though he is gone. Teach her how to get through disappointment and hurt and loss in a healthy way. She is hurting and wants him to come back to fix that hurt, but you can teach her how to fix that hurt all on her own – that keeps her empowered and involved in her own healing without needing someone else to fix it for her.
Heidi
I doubt you can rekindle it back. He needs to have feelings for you and want to return back to you and so far, he isn’t showing that kind of interest, regardless of what you do. I don’t know why he unblocked you, but I wouldn’t take that to mean anything special. Of course he has his reasons, and who knows what those are, but the truth is if he wants you back in his life, you would know.
Let him go.
Heidi
Oh how awful. I’m so sorry you got that kind of response from him. YUK!!! Quite insensitive. I don’t know what shifted in him, but whatever is going on, it doesn’t feel good for you.
Yes, move on. If a guy can’t offer you more than what he did after losing your father, then he is definitely not an emotionally available guy nor the kind of guy who you want to be comforted by when something hard shows up in your life. His response is quite rejecting.
I personally would cut it off immediately. I wouldn’t wait for him. Every day that he doesn’t reach out, is another day of feeling rejected and that is NOT good for you. You already have a lot to deal with right now. You can say something like, “Hey. I just wanted to let you know I’m not feeling how I want to feel in order to keep moving forward with you. I wish you all the best.” Simple, honest and clear.
But if you are not ready to do that quite yet, then yes…wait for him to reach out and see what he does next.
Thoughts?
Oh goodness. What an eventful few days you have had. I know he is struggling. He is going through a lot right now and is entirely confused. He will figure it out. He is in the most painful part of the transformation phase. If he is ever going to grow up, this is what needs to happen. Otherwise, he will just keep relying on you to source him and keep all of that pain he carries buried and distant. How he is reacting is letting you know the extent of everything he carries and it’s time to face all of it. I hope he chooses to get some help. He needs it.
my ex keeps saying they should have never known this you involve them in everything! Big or small. He said they shouldn’t even know if the rents behind ! He’s right. He is exactly right!! I’m not going to agree with this. There are pros and cons to every decision you make. The pros to letting your kids know, is it’s real. They know something is wrong so telling them the truth is not the part that is damaging…it’s more about HOW you tell them and why you tell them. They are going to be facing the same struggles in their own lives as they get older. Every moment you share with them, is a teaching moment. You are their role model for how to handle the curve balls of life. How you shared that info with your son about your BF cheating, was not an effective thing to do. But I love that you came back and talked to both of them about it and did the best repair job you could do. It’s your humanness and your sharing the truth with your son, the way you did, was your way of using him as a “friend” and not keeping him as your son. So it’s important for you to look at your choices and figure out more healthy ways to get your needs met. We all have these moments where our limitations end up impacting others. Look at it as just learning how we can be better.
But why is he talking about all this now??So do you have any suggestions as far as where I am now?? I haven’t texted since yesterday and I’m making myself with all self control not to text him. He is talking to you about all of this now because he is terrified. He has had this identity of being a father and boyfriend and now that is being ripped open. It’s insanely uncomfortable and will cause him to feel everything he carries inside of him. You are a great target for his anger, so my suggestion is to keep staying away. DO NOT allow him to take out all of his anger on you. I know how tempting it is to reach out and want to ease his pain and comfort him and also comfort yourself. You guys are intensely enmeshed in a lot of very unhealthy ways that were never sustainable. The relationship was going to break one way or another. So either you face it now or you face it later – either way it’s inevitable. I know how incredibly painful this is for both of you. The sooner you disconnect and deal with all the feelings that come up, the faster you both will be able to get back onto your feet. Do you have a therapist you are working with that can help? What can you do to support yourself???
