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Agape, unconditional love. This is not possible. Unconditional love does not exist in relationships. There are ALWAYS conditions in relationships. Agape love is more about being able to love someone beyond their humanness, but it DOES NOT mean you are in a relationship with them. I have always loved my father, but he was an evil man and not safe to be around – so we didn’t have a relationship. That love is agape love. The kind of love that keeps a relationship TOGETHER has conditions. What if you marry a guy who is motivated by money to support his kids and then over time, he grows into wanting more and more material things? He starts to let money control his time and his life. Are you going to stay with a guy who ends up letting money be more important than you? What if he ends up becoming physically abusive? So as you see, there ARE conditions and standards that are appropriate and needed in romantic love if it’s going to stay together. Agape love is NOT what keeps a relationship healthy. Does this make sense?
I understand how you want a relationship to look like. It’s very feminine. We view relationships differently than men though – we are just different. We are the caretakers of relationships – not men. Men take care of relationships in a different way. One difference, generally speaking of course, is men tend to be more attached to “producing” something in their life. They need to make things. They need to do things that have meaning. That’s why they typically were the ones who hunted for food. They provide. When a guy loses his direction with work or not sure how or what he is producing in this world, they become pretty awful at relationships. It really shakes them at their core. For women, our core is about relationships. The quality of relationships in our lives is VERY important. If our relationships are falling apart, we are falling apart. That’s why it’s much easier for us to be stay at home moms. We are the caretakers of relationships. If you leave a man at home with the kids, he typically will end up turning the job into some kind of project to manage. He might even find projects around the house to complete. DO you understand one of the main differences between us?
I’m glad you are ‘woooosahing’ and giving it to God. Relinquishing control and letting things be what they are is really important. Allow yourself to heal and accept Nick is not the guy for you – and your heart will heal and become available for another man who will take care of it much better!
Heidi
I’m not sure what you want with this guy. Are you wanting a relationship with him again? I thought you had settled that you didn’t want to move forward with him because he is emotionally unavailable and you didn’t want to go through that again. Did I misunderstand you? Or are you changing your mind?
Nothing he says really has any true weight until you see it in action. Actions and words need to line up in order to have integrity. So far, he spews a bunch of words with not a lot of action to support those words.
And what do you think it means about him that he is still friends with Marcia? I know she is manipulative and has a thing against you. Are you willing to forgive her and let all of it go? Are you able to find your compassion for her? You obviously activate a lot of low self-esteem in her for whatever reason. She feels powerless and is acting this way to find her power. That’s an awful feeling to have. I know she is not handling it in a healthy way, but if you look behind the action and are able to connect to compassion for how horrible she must feel inside to behave this way – it might help you deal with her antics better. Just a thought.
Heidi
Hi Sarah,
Pack up all his stuff into boxes and put it in the closet or garage or somewhere out of the way and out of sight. Go get duplicates of whatever you need and don’t wait for him to make a plan with you. He is too angry and is being passive-aggressive. Relying on him will not get anything done. You are not powerless here. You can dissolve everything yourself. It will take a little more work, but it’s important for YOUR healing and to create closure for both of you.
He wanted to crash his car because he is angry and resentful. Because he still carries hurts and traumas from his past and his parents, this separation is adding to the HUGE baggage he carries around and it’s activating the entire network. His feelings are out of control because he is carrying A LOT. You just happen to be the target for everything that’s happened to him in his life – so he is being passive-aggressive and finding every way possible to make your life difficult. You hurt him, he hurts you back. It’s child like energy that is taking over his system. That’s why it’s best to just do whatever you need to do to dissolve and disconnect everything without him. Let him throw his tantrums and be angry, but you move forward anyways. Your daughter and him are going to do whatever they do – regardless of what you say. You can’t control that aspect. All you can do is make your wishes known and stay connected to your daughter as much as you possibly can. Keep nourishing the relationship and keep creating space for her to talk about how she feels. She isn’t going to understand why this needs to happen, so you need to teach her it’s still going to be okay even though he is gone. Teach her how to get through disappointment and hurt and loss in a healthy way. She is hurting and wants him to come back to fix that hurt, but you can teach her how to fix that hurt all on her own – that keeps her empowered and involved in her own healing without needing someone else to fix it for her.
Heidi
I doubt you can rekindle it back. He needs to have feelings for you and want to return back to you and so far, he isn’t showing that kind of interest, regardless of what you do. I don’t know why he unblocked you, but I wouldn’t take that to mean anything special. Of course he has his reasons, and who knows what those are, but the truth is if he wants you back in his life, you would know.
Let him go.
Heidi
Oh how awful. I’m so sorry you got that kind of response from him. YUK!!! Quite insensitive. I don’t know what shifted in him, but whatever is going on, it doesn’t feel good for you.
Yes, move on. If a guy can’t offer you more than what he did after losing your father, then he is definitely not an emotionally available guy nor the kind of guy who you want to be comforted by when something hard shows up in your life. His response is quite rejecting.
I personally would cut it off immediately. I wouldn’t wait for him. Every day that he doesn’t reach out, is another day of feeling rejected and that is NOT good for you. You already have a lot to deal with right now. You can say something like, “Hey. I just wanted to let you know I’m not feeling how I want to feel in order to keep moving forward with you. I wish you all the best.” Simple, honest and clear.
But if you are not ready to do that quite yet, then yes…wait for him to reach out and see what he does next.
Thoughts?
Oh goodness. What an eventful few days you have had. I know he is struggling. He is going through a lot right now and is entirely confused. He will figure it out. He is in the most painful part of the transformation phase. If he is ever going to grow up, this is what needs to happen. Otherwise, he will just keep relying on you to source him and keep all of that pain he carries buried and distant. How he is reacting is letting you know the extent of everything he carries and it’s time to face all of it. I hope he chooses to get some help. He needs it.
my ex keeps saying they should have never known this you involve them in everything! Big or small. He said they shouldn’t even know if the rents behind ! He’s right. He is exactly right!! I’m not going to agree with this. There are pros and cons to every decision you make. The pros to letting your kids know, is it’s real. They know something is wrong so telling them the truth is not the part that is damaging…it’s more about HOW you tell them and why you tell them. They are going to be facing the same struggles in their own lives as they get older. Every moment you share with them, is a teaching moment. You are their role model for how to handle the curve balls of life. How you shared that info with your son about your BF cheating, was not an effective thing to do. But I love that you came back and talked to both of them about it and did the best repair job you could do. It’s your humanness and your sharing the truth with your son, the way you did, was your way of using him as a “friend” and not keeping him as your son. So it’s important for you to look at your choices and figure out more healthy ways to get your needs met. We all have these moments where our limitations end up impacting others. Look at it as just learning how we can be better.
But why is he talking about all this now??So do you have any suggestions as far as where I am now?? I haven’t texted since yesterday and I’m making myself with all self control not to text him. He is talking to you about all of this now because he is terrified. He has had this identity of being a father and boyfriend and now that is being ripped open. It’s insanely uncomfortable and will cause him to feel everything he carries inside of him. You are a great target for his anger, so my suggestion is to keep staying away. DO NOT allow him to take out all of his anger on you. I know how tempting it is to reach out and want to ease his pain and comfort him and also comfort yourself. You guys are intensely enmeshed in a lot of very unhealthy ways that were never sustainable. The relationship was going to break one way or another. So either you face it now or you face it later – either way it’s inevitable. I know how incredibly painful this is for both of you. The sooner you disconnect and deal with all the feelings that come up, the faster you both will be able to get back onto your feet. Do you have a therapist you are working with that can help? What can you do to support yourself???
I don’t want to make a decision in the heat of the moment n end up regretting it later on down the line so how do I know what the right thing to do is? There is no “right” thing. It’s more about doing what YOU need to do to protect your heart and the relationship. Any path you take, there are pros and cons to each. So it’s more about deciding what path inspires you the most. He has made his choice. If you want to stay with him, that means accepting his choice. I know you don’t like it, but forgiving him for his limitations is important. I know you have had a wonderful relationship, but in THIS MOMENT he is making a very destructive decision and not protecting the relationship. This is part of who he is, so now there are consequences to his choice of choosing her over you. Now YOU have to make a choice. Stay and continue getting hurt and building resentment, or leave and give yourself some peace, some space, and create a space that just your own – without her in it. Yes, you both will have to make more effort to see each other, but it’s do-able and probably worth the work…because it will just be the 2 of you without his ex around. Hopefully you guys will make it through this season. If not, you guys will be okay. One day at a time, right? And it’s not her fault. She isn’t making him do anything. She is just the impetus that is exposing something that lives within HIM that is quite dysfunctional and is ruining the relationship. He needs to face that if he is going to be able to sustain a relationship with you.
idk if I would ever b able to move back in this house again once I left. How come? Of course, the future is unpredictable and you never know. But that is always true. Whatever you decide, it’s about dealing with RIGHT NOW and figuring out a way to protect yourself and the relationship. What happens next week or a year from now is something you will deal with when the time comes.
I feel that if I do leave n tell him he can come c me at my house that I will resent him n feel like it’s his fault that we no longer live together anymore n that I had to get my own place. You are already becoming resentful staying where you are at right now. The advantage to leaving is that you at least won’t have to deal with his ex and watching her be manipulative. You can would be able to have your own quiet space and when he comes to visit, it’s JUST you guys. You can have sex without him looking over his shoulder. You will have an environment together where it’s just the both of you and she isn’t impacting anything. Doesn’t that sound nice? If you become resentful, then you face it and work on forgiving him for his choice. If you want to keep him in your life, which it sounds like you do, then moving out might actually save the relationship. It’s YOU fighting for yourself to not have to be constantly bombarded with his ex and how they function together. You get to have peace again. When you guys are together, it will just be the 2 of you again. You will get to create your little cocoon where your soul and heart and body can TRULY and DEEPLY rest. If you stay, that’s not possible. If you stay, your resentment and hurt will keep building and building and building. Thoughts?
Heidi
Well…it sounds like you feel good about everything again. Yes?
He definitely put in the effort that one night to connect with you. Considering how rejected you have felt in your life, having him go to such efforts would have been quite nourishing on your heart.
Your explorer spirit is beautiful. It’s part of the nourishment of your soul.
How is your brain doing today??
How come Ghent was disappointing? Those cathedrals sound amazing!!! I know you couldn’t get good pics, but I imagine being able to see them and look inside was quite spectacular.
When you have a Bob who is constantly disappointed in your work, it would be hard to maintain confidence. The gift is, you get to practice learning how NOT to give your power away to him. His opinion does not define you. Keep connecting yourself back to the higher truth that you are enough, just as you are. I know you can’t wait to get our from underneath him. I sure hope whatever opens up next, that you’ll actually be happy. It’s been a while.
Heidi
Oh yes! Glenwood springs is a nice place! Yes, I-70 goes waaaaay past Vail. It’s a tough interstate in the winter because of all the ski resorts. Sometimes I head up that way, but always plan to leave by noon on Sunday or I will be sitting in traffic for HOURS!!!! It’s about a 90-minute drive for me usually…I got stuck once and will never do it again….took me 4.5 hours to get home!!! It’s crazy in the winter!!!
I love how much you explore the areas that you go to! I have no clue where those places are that you mentioned in Vancouver Island, but if I ever go back, I will make sure to reach out to you!
Heidi
Well, then there is your answer. It sounds like it is more about him than you. It sounds like he wants the design where he can have sex with you, be friends with you, hang out with you and bond with you…but NOT be in a committed relationship. If that is really true, then he is not your guy. The thing is, he gets everything he wants already and for 3 years! Why would he want to change any of that???
So it’s up to you. Is a commitment really that important to you? Will it give you more or give you things you don’t have with him now? Do you feel satisfied with how things have been going between the both of you?
If not, then this is more about you shifting and disconnecting from him. You can simply say “We just want different things. I want to know you more deeply, I want to fall in love deeply, I want to focus on us and really build a life together. You don’t. I just cannot keep moving forward with you in this design anymore. I have reached my limit, so it’s time for you and me to go our separate ways….”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Karen,
Welcome! I am sooooo so sorry about your father. You must be heartbroken. I recently lost my father as well and it’s quite shocking. Life just isn’t the same without them. I hope you are being very kind to yourself and surrounding yourself with a lot of love and support. My heart is with you!
As far as this guy, I’m wondering why you are waiting to let him know. He is a guy…and a surgeon. He is just giving you space. Think about it this way….he has NO IDEA how you want to be supported through something like this. He doesn’t know what you need until you teach him what that is. Everyone is COMPLETELY different with what they need and how they want to be supported when challenges show up. He is also a surgeon which causes him to have a VERY different experience when it comes to sick people, hospitals and all of that stuff. It’s his work place! A part of him has to shut down and deal with patients from a very objective viewpoint if he is going to do his job well.
So…I suggest you let him know. I suggest you call him and NOT text. Or…you can text and say “My father has passed. I’m in shock. I need a hug. Would you be willing to talk later, even for 10 minutes? I could use a few kind and caring words right now.” You need to teach him what your needs are and give the guy a chance to be there for you!
Heidi
Well, another potential work adventure. I’m curious to see what happens!
I love that you make all of those things of your photos! It’s a great way to spread the beauty of your talent!!!
You crack me up! I had no idea I-70 was closed and the ski resorts are open. LOL. Yes, it’s VERY early! Where I live, we got a tiny bit of snow, but it melted the moment it hit the ground – which means no playing in the snow with the pups quite yet. It’s too muddy! LOL THe mountains however, got a good dusting, but it doesn’t look like enough to go skiing! The poor ski resorts has a very difficult year last year with a poor snowfall year, so I imagine they are trying to make up for it. Nothing has ever really returned back to full capacity since Covid too. I still see businesses slowly going under because they just couldn’t recover.
I’ve been to Vancouver Island. I have a client who owns a house on the island and they let me stay there for a mini vacation one time. I had a good time!!!
Heidi
Well, another potential work adventure. I’m curious to see what happens!
I love that you make all of those things of your photos! It’s a great way to spread the beauty of your talent!!!
You crack me up! I had no idea I-70 was closed and the ski resorts are open. LOL. Yes, it’s VERY early! Where I live, we got a tiny bit of snow, but it melted the moment it hit the ground – which means no playing in the snow with the pups quite yet. It’s too muddy! LOL THe mountains however, got a good dusting, but it doesn’t look like enough to go skiing! The poor ski resorts has a very difficult year last year with a poor snowfall year, so I imagine they are trying to make up for it. Nothing has ever really returned back to full capacity since Covid too. I still see businesses slowly going under because they just couldn’t recover.
I’ve been to Vancouver Island. I have a client who owns a house on the island and they let me stay there for a mini vacation one time. I had a good time!!!
Heidi
Whaaaaat? What a CRAZY story!!!! OMG!!!! That sounds lovely and so sweet and so incredibly strange! It sounds like you guys had a wonderful time – who knows what will happen next, but regardless, in the moment, it’s a pretty great experience!
What make you think I have a lot of high self-esteem ? The activities you do require confidence like pole dancing and getting on stage talking to 2500 people. You have a vision about how to help the environment and it takes confidence to build and implement that vision. The way you talk, there is always a knowing about who you are and what you want – that requires confidence. Even with men, you are able to maintain a level of self-care – you don’t completely lose yourself with them. You have always been able to be clear about how you are treated and eventually require that from them or you will walk away (and you have many times) – that requires confidence. You have a higher level of emotional intelligence – which requires confidence. You create a life of variety – you travel to different places, you try new thing, you move, you deal with a difficult boss with grace – all those things require confidence.
Heidi
