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So I’ve decided I will not ask him bout it anymore, I will not try and convince him either and I will not chase him. He must put in the effort. I know you are loving the effort he is putting in again. It feels good! It still doesn’t seem like you are quite clear. You want a commitment, but then you say that him putting in the effort is good enough. It’s been 3 years. I”m not sure what having a commitment or not having a commitment will do. In your mind, why is it so important to you? What do you think having a “commitment” will bring to you? What need will it fulfill? It doesn’t sound like either of you are really dating anyone else, so it seems that there is just a natural commitment anyways. Even if you did have an official commitment, do you think it would change how he treats you?
Heidi
We did not get more snow. It’s been super sunny and running around 50 degrees. Soooooo gorgeous!
What an interesting story about that man! You obviously were there at just the right time. What a wonderful and caring gift you gave both of them!
How was your Germany overnighter?
I hope your stomach issues got resolved. I hate that feeling!
Heidi
Yet he is calling more often and doing things now that I stated I wanted . Now I’m even more confused. Have you ever heard “absence makes the heart grow fonder?” It’s simple really…you were giving him everything he needed without requiring your needs to be fully met. Now that you have pulled away and started to fight for your needs by distancing from him, the absence of you in his life is making him feel what his life would be like without you – and sometimes, that feeling of the loss of you becomes bigger than the fear of being with you. A very simple way to put this is he has 2 fears – 1 fear for being WITH you and committed and 1 fear being WITHOUT you. Whichever fear is biggest, is the one he follows. So currently, his fear of being WITHOUT you is bigger, so he is facing his fear of being WITH you. Does this make sense?
Be careful though. Once he captures your attention again by saying and doing everything you have wanted, it would be common to slowly fall back into old patterns a few months down the road.
What issues is he struggling with where you think differently than him?
Now that he is acting this way, what do you feel like you want to do?Heidi
So this guy is going to be your gala “date?” It doesn’t sound like he had any hesitation at all.
Your grandma! Wow! What caused her to go into a coma? I totally get that it’s better for her to go. Her soul knows the exact timing of when she is supposed to go and will make “arrangements” for that to happen. At least, that is what I believe and studied a lot – but who knows. Either way, it will be hard for your dad for sure. How do you feel about it?
I get what you are saying about what you present compared to what you feel deep inside. We call that “imposter syndrome.” It’s quite common actually, especially people who are speaker and big personalities – and they feel like an imposter deep down. Here is a fun video that may resonate/help for you: https://youtu.be/_YeulUgWNp8
Heidi
Wow, that’s so interesting that the Dutch just don’t bake much. I wonder why. I suppose on some level, that’s a good thing. Maybe they eat a lot less carbs/sugar than we do here in the U.S. I still can’t imagine not having an oven though. Strange.
I’m glad SOMEBODY enjoys the winter 🙂 The beauty is absolutely breathtaking for sure! It makes it much more bearable!
Yes, it’s called the wildlife sanctuary. I haven’t been there yet. I was thinking of taking my mom there in the spring of next year. I know many people who have gone and they LOVE it!
Heidi
This is great! So what are you going to do to build trust with yourself again? Where are you NOT trusting yourself?
What mindset and purpose would you like to approach dating with?
Heidi
Your cookies sound really interesting! Would you mind sending me the recipe??
I live near Boulder – and yes, my mom actually lives one building over from me, so it’s perfect! She was able to help me A LOT during all my surgeries and now I get to return the favor. It really has been divinely perfect getting to live a 1 minute’s walk from each other. Quite a blessing.
It finally snowed last night. COLD!!!!! The streets are clear, but he the grass and trees are covered. It won’t last long since the sun will come out later and melt it all away pretty quickly. That’s my favorite part about Colorado…there is soooooo much sun! I would have an incredibly hard time living in the environment you are in. I’m really curious to see how your lungs respond once you get home.
I can’t believe you don’t have an oven there!!! What kind of apartment doesn’t have an oven??? Is that common there?
Hi Tracy,
Welcome! Would you mind explaining a little further about the nature of your relationship? Are you guys casual? Committed? You guys live in different states, so are there any plans to meet up again soon? Can you explain a little more as to why he feels overwhelmed? It sounds like he has a lot on his plate. Are you asking for things from him that make him feel like he isn’t ready for a relationship?
Heidi
I imagine you are also talking about this with your therapist. Are they helping??? This is incredibly tough what you are going through…what everyone is going through. These kinds of growing pains can feel debilitating. I hope your therapist is teaching you techniques and way to handle this kind of stress and disengagement.
So what is your plan?
Heidi
Great! I’m glad you have a better understanding. So what’s next? How are you feeling about everything? Do you feel resolved?
Heidi
I understand she is difficult to watch. It’s truly awful to watch someone you love be treated the way she treats him. She gets to be like though…and it works. She gets what she wants – which in the end, that’s what we are all trying to do anyways, right? She is an empty, miserable soul. Try to find your compassion for her. She behaves this way for a reason. She obviously has had a really tough life and has an incredible amount of low self-esteem. I would hate to be her and have feel like how she feels like every day. I’m glad you finally have decided to move out and protect yourself and save the relationship. You don’t need to watch this anymore. It’s toxic for you too!
How do u tell someone u love that u still wanna b in a relationship with them but u can no longer live in the same house as them anymore so ur moving out? How do I tell him that without hurting his feelings, breaking his heart or pushing him away? It’s going to hurt no matter what. There is no way to avoid this. You moving out is the best chance you have at keeping your sanity and keeping your relationship together. You are worried about pushing HIM away when he is the one choosing her over you??? This choice of moving out is choosing yourself. Don’t ever be sorry or doubt that decision. You are growing increasingly resentful and angry and that is NOT who you want to be how you want to live your life. If you lose him in the process, then wouldn’t you say that is something you need to know about him? Do you really want to stay with a guy who would choose her over you and break up because you want to save yourself and the relationship?? If you stay Kimberly, you are going to lose him anyways. You will grow so resentful and angry to the point that there will be no love left between you guys. So staying is not going to keep your relationship together. It might last a few more months, but there is still an ending in your future if you don’t protect yourself from being consumed by resentment.
You have this idea about one last Christmas in this house and I want to encourage you to stop that fantasy. There is not a single day in your house that you feel happy with him. She will be there for Christmas. You think that you are going to have this lovely, Christmas filled holiday as long as she is around?? She is going to do everything she can to steel him from you and get you away from him. Get out now! If there is a place available, you grab it. You can easily get your own Christmas day and then he can come to YOU and you guys can have a nice, peaceful, quiet holiday at your place. Christmas is not about the house, it’s about spending it together and making great memories. You think that’s going to be possible as long as she is around???? Nope.
Here is what you can say to him: “It’s time for me to move out. I am going increasingly resentful and angry that she is still in our home. If I am truly going to accept and honor your choice to protect her, then I need to leave. I cannot be around her anymore and I cannot watch you allow yourself to be treated this way. So the best I can do if find a peaceful place to live and have my own space and let you work this out on your own. This is not me leaving the relationship…this is me protecting our relationship in the only way I know how. I want you to come over as much as you want. I still want to be connected and I still love you so deeply. I want to have a space where we both get to re-connect with each other, without her around. I have already started looking at places, so I’ll let you know when I find something.”
I suggest finding a place that she won’t be able to walk to. I wouldn’t put it past her to follow him and figure out where you live. Since she doesn’t have a car right now, that is at least some good protection and she won’t be able to find out where you move to.
How can he be so stupid n naive. We all have our blind spots. He obviously has some pretty big trauma or belief that he living out through “rescuing” her. He is trying to make up for something or he is trying to fill himself up by being the “good guy.” There must be a pretty big hole inside his spirit that he feels the need to do this – even at the expense of your relationship. Whatever lives inside of that hole, is pretty powerful for him. You have made decisions from a wounded place, many times in your life. Look at those decisions and remind yourself of what it felt like and you might be able to find some understanding about what your guy is going through. He is in a lot of pain and trying to work through something – even though he may not be conscious of it.
Heidi
Hi NS,
Welcome to the forum. So you have had these strong feeling for this guy for over 2 years now. That’s a long time and I’m sure it hurts to not have him feel the same way about you. Unrequited love feels awful.
Let’s talk about what happened. What caused you guys to break up in the first place? I’m wondering why you think that his feelings for you are strong too. Every time you have tried to initiate something again, he says he doesn’t feel that way about you anymore, so what signals are you getting that lead you to believe he has strong feelings for you?
What hurt has happened between you guys? It’s been a few years – are you still holding onto the hurt? You want him back, so are you saying that his smoking and time keeping ways of living are not going to bother you anymore??
Heidi
Oh it sounds like a lot of fun when you go home. You guys are already getting quite a bit of snow. We have barely had any! It’s really strange. We usually have had at least 1 big snow by now. Everyone keeps saying we are going to have a really tough winter. I hope so. We need A LOT of snow to help with the drought and get the Colorado River back up to par. What kind of Christmas cookies do you guys make?
I don’t have any plans for the holidays. I’m house/dog sitting both times and my mom is going in for knee replacement surgery in 2 weeks – and that is A LOT for me to manage for a few months, helping her and her pup out. It’s just me and my mom anyways, so it’s always super low key – which we love!
Heidi
lol! I love how happy you have been feeling about going home. You get to see your boys and then you get to go say hello to your home. How long are you going to be home? What plans do you have? Are you spending Christmas by yourself?
Yes, Bob is a rollercoaster. Well, at least you are learning more about how to do what a turnover manager does. That makes you more valuable to the next company!
Smart thing to get a hotel in Amsterdam. I wouldn’t take a chance on public transportation either. You are setting yourself up for success and more smooth trip. It’s worth every penny!
Heidi
OH wow! I’m so glad you had fun on your safari trip!!!
So what does this mean that you guys are communicating better? Is he finally opening up about what is happening for him? Are you guy resolving anything? Or do you mean that you are now just being yourself and moving forward with the plan to have him move out and you guys are going to create separate lives now?
Heidi
