Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Jaylyn.
Welcome to the forum! This is a tough situation because no matter what you do, it isn’t going to change his need to interrogate or his need to shut down. His need to shut down is his life long coping mechanism. We all have them and they never go away. The best we can do is manage our coping mechanism, but that takes a lot of work and some serious deep diving / healing / forgiving etc. It’s really important that you understand this – HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
Your job is to accept him for who he is. He has a tough job and sees/works with the worst of humanity. His job isn’t going to change, so him being suspicious is just part of who he is. You can work at connecting through conversation, but you are taking on a HUGE project here – and one that will most likely have very little success. You might see some small changes at best, but again – if you are going into this relationship wanting him to change, then wouldn’t you say he might not be a good match for you? He deserves to be loved, chosen and accepted for EXACTLY who he is – shutting down and interrogating included. If you can do this, then great! If not and you need him to change so you can feel more connected with him, then you might want to consider taking a step back and re-evaluating whether or not it’s the best choice to date a guy you aren’t happy with.
I have no doubt he has some amazing qualities or you wouldn’t be here trying to figure this out. Here is something to think about though…it is NOT the best parts of a couple or a person that makes a relationship work. A relationship breaks because the worst of the couple is damaging or sabotaging the connection. When I advise people who are wanting to fall in love, I tell them to pay attention to the worst of the person. How do they treat you when they are stressed? How do they treat themselves and how do they handle the stress? It’s important they are respectful, stay connected and work through things WITH you. Not to say that a person can’t take some time and space, but it’s communicating “hey…I need some time to process this. I will connect with you at the end of the day and we can keep talking about this…” Poor communication is the #2 reason people get divorced. So no matter how amazing this guy might be and all of his great qualities, his worst qualities are the kind that will break connection and lead to breaking up – unless he is willing to shift how he handles stress.
Have you ever expressed to him what you have said here?
Heidi
Hi Audrey,
Just wanted to check in. Any thoughts about what I said? Any more questions? How have things progressed? Have you heard from him again?
Heidi
why do I want to punish him because he is overreacting for silly things and not for every situation I will fix things he needs also to be responsible. It sounds like there are some deeper rooted issues here, beyond what is currently happening. It sounds like you feel like you are always the one fixing things and he doesn’t take responsibility. Yes? No?
He definitely feels like you are not hearing him nor very curious about him. So let’s talk about that. His feelings are real for HIM, whether you agree with it or not. What do you understand about how he is feeling? His statements is definitely a deep rooted statement and doesn’t seem to be a feeling he has from only this current situation, but probably from many experiences. That’s the hard part about 15 years – a lot of patterns can really build up and cause hurt and resentment if those patterns are not really worked on by both parties. Yes, he probably is having a BIG reaction over something silly AND his reaction is telling you something about him. Whatever happened, it triggered something pretty big in him, so his reaction is not just about this current situation – it’s about something MUCH bigger. Do you have any idea about what it could be triggering from his past?
As far as you apologizing, I’m sure you apologized for what you said, but it doesn’t sound like you have said anything about how he is feeling. He is feeling not heard, he is feeling like all you care about is yourself, he is feeling like you are not curious about him. So that’s why I recommended to say what I mentioned above.
Since you guys haven’t talked in a couple of days, you can say something like “I’ve really been thinking a lot about this whole situation. I don’t fully and completely understand everything you are feeling and your need to pull away from me. I realized how ineffective I was in handling all of this because I don’t understand. You’re right. I wasn’t very curious about you, I didn’t ask you why you were angry and I’m really seeing how I could have handled all of this much better. I want to be a better partner for you and I want you. I want to understand you more and I want you to feel more supported. I know you still need space, but whenever you are ready to talk, my heart is open and I want to know you better and learn how I can be a better partner for you.”
How does saying something like that feel for you? I think the bottom line here is, you guys both have some deep rooted feelings about each other that need to be acknowledged, addressed and very directly worked on. Have you guys ever worked with a specialist or tried to help yourselves at all through a book or program? Is that something you would be willing to do?
Heidi
Hi MA,
Thank you for being here! I definitely can understand your desire to punish him and I understand your confusion. Men and women can operate so differently in relationships.
Let’s see if we can find some resolution here.
Then I got mad at him “how come he slept with me when he still has a mad feeling.” First, it’s important to understand that men and women view and experience sex very differently. Most men are able to compartmentalize their feelings. I’m sure that is what he did, so he could have sex with you. I wouldn’t take it personally. I understand how that hurt your pride, because us ladies are unable to have sex unless everything is okay. What I suggest is to talk to him about him. Sex is such a dynamic act of intimacy and it’s so important to make sure communication is good about it. Why not have a conversation with him and ask him about it. You can say something like, “Tell me about how you were able to have sex with me, even though you were upset. I would like to understand this more. Teach me about your mindset.”
there is no connection at all, and your pride hurt, but you are not thinking about me, and you did not even ask why I’m mad; you are not even curious, you just care about yourself !” This says a lot about how he is feeling. What are you thoughts about this? Do you understand why he feels this way? Do you see some truth in it?
Has he ever mentioned feeling like this before?So I don’t know what to do. At the same time, I want to punish him for this kind of attitude I think that place to start is to validate what he is feeling and create some space for him and whatever it is that he wants you to pay attention to. You can start by saying “I heard you. You are feeling like I am not curious about you and I want to fix that. Let’s talk. I want to listen.”
It’s important for you to put aside your need to punish him for right now. Would you be willing to forgive him and let this go? And instead, focus on repairing the connection? Your feelings can come up later, but for right now, can you focus on what he needs?
Heidi
This is great! Now you have confirmation that it had nothing to do with you. I’m glad he finally talked to you and was honest. It sounds like things ended peacefully and now it’s time for you to heal. So how are you going to help yourself through this loss? Do you feel pretty good about this?
Heidi
I’m so glad that it makes more sense to you!!! Understanding relationships can be incredibly challenging and confusing. It’s something I have studied my entire life, so it all makes easy sense to me. I wish this kind of stuff could be taught in school. Relationship skills are applicable to EVERYTHING.
So tell me what you feel like you understand now. How do you feel like you are going to approach your current situation and other situations to come?
Do you have other questions?
Heidi
But if I’m honest, it’s the same for us, sometime you don’t “feel” a person and you don’t have any explanation lol. At least I do Oh yes! Our intuition is always communicating to us, but most people are not that connected to their intuition. Energy is the first language of a dog whereas, for us humans, it’s usually the last thing we pay attention to, because we weren’t taught how to understand our energetic senses. Over the past 10 years, I’ve really been developing and strengthening my ability to understand and feel energy – dogs have actually helped me with that quite a bit! They are great teachers!
Well, it sounds like the whole guy thing is okay for now. I get the mixed signals thing. If he isn’t initiating anything, he most likely is not invested very much. He might be the kind of guy that is “out of site, out of mind.” When he is with you, he is very present and attentive and invested, but when he is away from you, he is connected to rest of his life and not really you. Either way, it sounds like you are okay with it for now. Be careful though. With how he treats you, it would be very natural for part of you to start to connect with him more deeply. I know you are highly self aware and will pay attention to this.
I understand how you handle your parents now. I think it’s always important to be yourself AND also honor those around you and their beliefs. We have a saying “pick your battles.” Deciding what to fight for and what not to fight for, is important!
Heidi
It was just weird because we connected so well at first and even when he was distant he would apologize and he was still very sweet. I like that he apologized. That’s important! The thing is, does the apology really mean anything when it happens again? and then he apologizes AGAIN?? Here is something to understand. This is a principle to understand across all situations: Once is just once. 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. So when you experience a behavior more than 2x, close together, KNOW this is a pattern that is part of their being. They can apologize all they want, but the pattern will not go away without some SERIOUS internal work and many times, the pattern will just always be there – and the person has to learn how to better manage it so it doesn’t sabotage connection. For example, pulling away and retreating is a strong pattern I have…it’s my coping mechanism as well. I have worked with that pattern for many many years and I am able to manage it now. The second thing to understand is that it’s also not unusual for men to retreat into their “cave” to process their emotions, stressors, etc. I understand you thinking that it’s you, but I highly doubt that. But let’s say that you are right, just for the sake of it. A relationship that is going to work requires communication and requires that BOTH people are willing to work through things. If a guy isn’t willing to communicate with you about something you are doing that is ineffective, then the relationship is doomed to begin with. A guy who is fully invested and is completely inspired by you, he will find ways to keep you in his life. So what’s important is for you to just be you and EXPECT that he will accept you just as you are – and not only accept you, but be delighted by you, inspired by you, view you as his princess and create his life with you in it. This is something that happens naturally and effortlessly. I’ve had a TON of guys ghost or not communicate or whatever and they get to do that! I also don’t take it personally and I expect more as well.
what should I do if he does pull away, with any guy? Does that mean I need to give him space? Does that mean it’s not meant to be? Try to talk to him? It’s all so confusing. Such a great question! It’s simple really. When this happens, I communicate my needs. I say something like “Hey. It feels like you have distanced. What’s happening?” Once we discuss it, I then say something like “I get that you are going to need your space sometimes. If you want me to stay engaged, I just need you to communicate what you need. If you disconnect without letting me know what’s happening for you, I end up feeling confused and worried. Do you feel okay doing this?” If he says yes, then great! Then if he does it again, I would remind him of the conversation and let him know that this behavior is something that is a deal breaker for me. If he does it again, I honor his pattern and step away and end the connection. The most important thing is for you to have standards. YOU teach people how to treat you. People either align or don’t with how you want to be treated, but making your standards MORE IMPORTANT than the connection is what matters. This is the hardest part though. You can meet a guy and have strong feelings for him and it’s incredibly tempting to negotiate away your standards so you can keep feeling good. I will tell you, this never ends well. The connection is only as strong as how respectful and honoring both people are towards each other. So when the guy is sabotaging the connection by disappearing WITHOUT talking with you about it, then he is not caring about how he affects you – it’s quite disrespectful and if you allow that behavior, you are setting the tone for down the road. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
I love your update. It sounds like you really have learned how to view life with a glass being half full. Focusing on what you DO have is very important!!! It sounds like he is opening up to you and connecting more deeply because of it!
I just want you to be careful though. It’s called “bypassing” when someone focuses on the positive in order to manage the negative. Focusing on the positive is powerful and amazing and important, but NOT at the expense of ignoring the negative. It’s just as important to really pay attention to what isn’t working, your triggers, your insecurities, your fears, your limitations…all of those things will ALWAYS exist, but getting to know those parts of yourself are really important if you are going to keep the relationship growing. Your fears and insecurities are there for a reason. Focusing on the positive doesn’t make those fears and insecurities go away and they will always resurface – that’s why working with those parts of yourself directly is important if you are going to sustain that beautiful positive attitude you have connected with.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Margo,
I know it can be so incredibly confusing to one moment feel him open and connective and then distant. It’s frustrating. I want to slow you down here. First, you have never met him in person. You NEVER know what someone is truly like until you see them IN PERSON and watch how they interact and deal with their daily lives, see their daily habits, feel their touch and so much more. You have such a SMALL amount of information about him. So to head into a committed relationship is a pretty big deal when you have never met each other. Also, for him to already be going hot and cold is a pretty big red flag. You are assuming that his reactions are about him not being attracted to you or that you must have done something wrong. Women have a tendency to take the blame every time a guy pulls away. Reality is though, most of the time a guy is pulling away because of something personal in his own life and that’s just his natural coping mechanism – the mistake a lot of women make is turning the situation into being about “you must be losing feelings for me” instead of taking a step back and really understanding what the guy is going through.
Have you guys talked at all about meeting up in person?? I would say before you spend any more energy on this guy, finding a way to meet in person sooner than later is very important. I have seen people who have spent many, many months connecting online and over the phone and then they finally meet in person and it just didn’t turn out how they imagined. That’s the danger about connecting with someone long distance and having never met them. It’s normal for our brains to take the snapshot picture we have of a person and turn it into a GIANT fantasy about who they are and then we end up falling in love…with the fantasy our minds have created.
As far as him pulling away, it sounds like that is just his natural coping mechanism. It’s important for you to accept and understand this about him. Him pulling away is about HIM and not you. Even if you did do something, how he handles it, is about HIM. Personally, I do not put up with being treated that way. That kind of coping mechanism ruins relationships. It’s called stonewalling and it’s extremely damaging to the connection. It breaks emotional safety and trust.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Okay! So you felt that pressure from your parents. What would happen if you did what you wanted and hurt them or offended their beliefs? What would they do? I imagine now that you are an adult, they handle it better, yes?
Wow…so the guy really does treat you extremely well!! This is how it’s supposed to be!!! I love that you feel like a princess around him. You said you didn’t get any real answers from him. What answer were you looking for? If I am understanding correctly, he treats you like this, but doesn’t want a relationship, correct? Is that the mixed message you are referring to?
Dogs are so funny aren’t they? They see and know things we don’t pick up on. I’m sure your pup has a pattern of who she likes or not, but because they speak energy and we don’t…at least not as good as them…we can’t pick up on what they are sensing until after the fact.
Heidi
Hi Audrey.
Welcome! It sounds like maybe you are interested in your chiropractor. What was his response after you messaged him back?
Has he ever reached out before? What’s the history between the both of you? Do you know for sure that he is single?
What does his question mean? Who knows. I think it’s better to look at the big picture vs. just one small question. It’s dangerous to put meaning to what people say, without talking directly to them. Too many times I have seen people guess what the other is thinking and drama and misunderstandings ruin the connection, so be careful with doing that!
Heidi
I’m noticing the small effort he is putting but it is not enough. Why not acknowledge his efforts? Even though they are small and not to the capacity you want, it’s still something! Make sure this doesn’t backfire because he could end up feeling like nothing is enough for you and can cause him to shut down more. Just something to pay attention to.
It sounds like maybe you are closing the door a bit on this relationship. Because he isn’t offering what you want, does that mean you are letting him go now? It sounds like maybe you are in waiting for him to change.
Heidi
For the imposter syndrome, I told you I think it’s because I’ve always done what was expected more than who I was when I was a kid and even after. I am looking for something deeper. Yes, you were like this as a kid, but I’m wondering if you know why. What created this belief?
How fun that you ran into that guy! It sounds like he is quite responsive to you. It’s good that you are okay with being casual and allowing yourself to really focus on what you want right now. I’m sure the guy feels like there is no pressure, so he feels free to be responsive in a more natural way vs. him being concerned.
I love that you are enjoying your new home. Your pup isn’t really dog friendly? It sounds like she is completely happy and content to just get to explore the world the with you!
Heidi
She is just missing my Dad “approval”, and their attachement is I would say the strongest so until he let her go, she might stay for him…Which is for me wrong, because he is suffering a lot to see her like that…Denial period… So you believe that we have the power to NOT let someone die? You believe that because your dad is in denial, it’s stopping your grandmother from dying? I know that feels “wrong” so to speak and he needs to face the truth. On the other hand, what if there are still a few things that need to be worked out energetically between them? What if your grandma knows EXACTLY when she is supposed to go – and maybe it does have to do with your dad, but can that be okay? Her spirit self or energy self may have a few last things to do with him before wrapping things up in this life. I’ve studied death quite a bit and what has been discovered is that a soul leaves when it’s ready to leave, despite what the rest of us feel. So my guess is, it’s your grandma’s soul that isn’t quite ready to leave yet. Just a thought.
You mentioned your blind spot. Have you ever thought about setting up some “tests” or accountability or something of that nature to help you with your blind spot? I totally get not being in the right mindset right now.
Wow! I don’t watch the news. That’s a BIG deal with all the layoffs. How come that’s happening? I know that here, there are still businesses that are closing down because they never recovered from the covid shut down. So much has changed hasn’t it?
Let’s talk about the imposter syndrome a bit more. Where does this belief you have about yourself come from? What makes you feel like an imposter? That “story” that you are an imposter got created somewhere and from something…do you know where it comes from?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE all the holiday decorations. I wish they would put them up sooner, but I get that everyone feels differently about that stuff. I just think it’s so beautiful and it makes me happy, so why not extend it a little longer? LOL.
I forgot to ask, how is your pup doing in your new home? How are you liking it??
Heidi
