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I guess I’ve always thought part of a relationship is making the other person happy and meeting his/her needs. Is this not true? Isn’t part of a relationship making your partner happy? This is a great question!!! There are a lot of dynamics to this, so let’s just keep working through this. Bottom line, each person’s happiness is up to themselves…that’s it. When it comes to relationship, it’s not your job to make sure they are happy, BUT their happiness is important to you. But it’s not your job to figure out what that is for them…that’s their job. So your guy was not happy and he never took ownership of that and really worked at trying to find his balance and what was missing and making sure he was getting his needs met. So the thing is, you be you, he is who he is and that, just by itself needs to make both of you happy. Of course limitations and baggage show up, so when that happens, you communicate your needs and talk about how to work through the sticky times, in an honoring and respectful way. So your partner’s happiness matters and you compromise and work on becoming the best partner possible, BUT never at the expense of who you are and want to be. So, both people are responsible for their own balance, making sure their needs are being met both personally and in the relationship and then together, the relationship naturally is nourishing and no one is completing the other person because each person completes themselves. Does this make sense?
I will email you her contact info! I hope it works out!
Heidi
Oh yayayayaya! I’m soooo so happy you got there okay and you got to spend time with them!!! I look forward to hearing more about your trip when you have some spare time…which hopefully you won’t 🙂
Heidi
That’s right. I remember you started doing the tapping. I understand that talk therapy is just not having the impact you are wanting. Tapping will also be quite limited as it can only go so deep. You need to work with someone who knows how to navigate the depths of your subconscious really well! That’s where you are going to make the changes, do the most powerful healing work and actually feel like you are getting somewhere. I’m happy to recommend my Coach. She is the MOST brilliant healer I have ever come across – and I’ve seen MANY. She navigates the subconscious with such mastery, it’s amazing. She will also equip you with skills to handle your emotions right on the spot, so you can start processing things right away. She will absolutely push you – many times beyond what you think you are capable of. She is the only one who has been able to create movement for me in some areas that I thought were untouchable. If you would like her information, just let me know and I’ll email you her phone number. I will tell you though, she won’t work with you as long as you are working with those other practitioners. As deep as she goes, it’s important to only have 1 person stirring the pot – that way no one ends up working against each other. What I would suggest is for you to just have a conversation with her and get a sense about how she works. If you feel like you would like to try a session with her after talking, you guys can set it up then. I’m guessing she will do 1 session for you so you both can get a sense of each other, but beyond that, she won’t continue working with you as long as you are working with those other people. Why not give it shot? I have no doubt she will take you much farther than those 3 people will. She has an incredibly unique skillset and understanding / intuition of the psyche that is like no other. Her methods work fast too – if you allow it to. Just a thought.
I’ve never grieved like this after a breakup. It’s hard to picture a future without him in it. I know that’s not what I should be thinking but it’s how I feel. Of course you are feeling this way. It’s important to embrace whatever it is that you feel and work WITH it instead of telling yourself you shouldn’t be thinking that way. Every thought we have is information about your thought process. It’s a way to learn about yourself. I know you can’t imagine your future without him as he made you feel ways that you had never felt before. I know you think that if you had shown him more affection, you wouldn’t be in this situation. While that may be true, all it would have done was delay the inevitable. Like I said, the way he functions, he will never be very successful in relationship, unless he works on himself. What is he doing instead? He is stepping away and probably not doing a darn thing to shift his pattern. While you are here working with 3 different practitioners, diving into your baggage, trying to work on your limitations. Do you see how different your approaches are? This, in and of itself, will create a HUGE gap. If you were to stay together, you would be the one doing all the work, all the learning, all the shifting your patterns, while he would just be reaping the benefits, but not really contributing. You would gradually end up feeling very alone in the relationship because he would not have an ability to truly understand you – simply because he doesn’t understand himself. He can only know and understand you to the depth that he is able to know and understand himself. So as you are growing and learning, you would be able to offer him a much deeper level of understanding and connection that he would not be able to reciprocate. You NEED a guy who also goes after his limitations and joins you on that journey of facing fears, working on limitations, owning his own stuff and developing his emotional intelligence along WITH you. This guy wasn’t willing to do that. Instead, he blamed you for his needs not being met. Huh??? Since when is it YOUR responsibility to make sure he is balanced and happy and that his needs are being met??? A good partner SPEAKS up and is very clear about what isn’t working as well as what is working. That’s a REAL teammate. He instead gave you small hints and hoped you would get the message. So again, even if you had really gotten the message and did better, it doesn’t change that HE wouldn’t be doing better. He would have stayed in the same patterning and eventually walked away. He abandoned himself to you and that never turns out well. It’s good he finally chose himself, but it sounds like that’s about as far as he is going to take it.
Thoughts??
Heidi
Yes, I remember your story. I’m so sorry you are still struggling. You have a very strong story running in your psyche that feels 100% real and causing you a lot of suffering. These stories we ALL create are so much stronger than the truth that it prevents us from healing.
Let’s spend some time on your story and see if we can get some truth into your system to help counteract the lies.
I’ve never had a relationship like this before and never had anyone love me the way he did. While this may be true, it does not mean that the connection he offered was clear and healthy. He was quite co-dependent – remember that is when someone meets the needs of others at the expense of themselves. People who have this type of relating style make it extremely difficult to truly be in an authentic connection with them. They will give and give and give and then they eventually will start to feel resentful and there begins the “cancer” that destroys the connection. Yes, you were abused and yes, you were sick. However, what did he do to take care of himself while you were going through all of that? Where was he setting healthy boundaries for himself? Where was he allowing you to just feel your feelings without taking them on himself? Where was he protecting himself from the intensity you were dealing with? This was HIS responsibility, not yours and he failed. He failed at taking care of himself. He failed at being completely honest and authentic with you. He failed at maintaining his own balance and protecting the connection. These are HIS lessons that he really needs to learn – that’s the gift of your pain in HIS life. It exposed how he treats himself and how much he abandons himself to take on someone else’s challenges. This is not a healthy kind of connection he is offering and your pain exposed that. Yes, you contributed to the breakup with your side of things, but the truth is, if it wasn’t your pain from the abuse and your illness that acted as the catalyst to this separation, something else would have been. When a relationship is faulty, it gets exposed under stress – and how you guys were connecting had a lot of dysfunction in it that eventually would have broken the connection – it just so happens that your pain was the catalyst and that isn’t your fault. It’s just how it happened to work out. This breakup is no one’s fault. There is no one to blame here because both of you contributed to this. Can you acknowledge this? Can you acknowledge and see how his response to all of your pain was not very effective? Can you see how HE handled your stress in a way that was very unhealthy for him which eventually led him to feeling overwhelmed and overextended and needing to step away? What are your thoughts on this? What story is your brain coming up with now, to counteract this truth of how he ALSO was the cause of this breakup?
One of the reasons you are struggling so much is because there are some deeper rooted beliefs influencing you holding on so tightly. For example, I ended things with a guy recently where our connection was AMAZING! It felt so incredibly good and enlivening. I felt like my whole world got lit up on fire when he re-entered my life after 20 years. I soon learned though, that he was just as dysfunctional as he was when we dated 20 years ago. Back then, I dealt with it. Today, no way. I know too much now to know that how he functions under stress will absolutely cause a lot of harm to our connection. The thing is, knowing what I know didn’t change how incredibly hard it was for me to let go and say goodbye for good. Why? Well, aside from the connection, I was coming off of a year of surgeries, being bedridden and perpetually in a state of trying to recover. It was a very hard year. He came along and all of a sudden, I felt new life. I felt new energy of wanting to conquer the world and that I actually could! I had someone by my side that I could “plug into” as a source. So saying goodbye, also meant saying goodbye to how I got to feel about my life. Plus, I’m in a place of really wanting to settle down and he would have done that with me. The hard part about letting go of him was more about the loss of my dream – of my future – that I built around him AND that I needed to be my own source of conquering the world and he was not going to help me. Those things that I so strongly had bonded to him, actually weren’t about HIM…they were about ME! I was plugging this guy into my “fantasy” world because I REALLY needed him to fit – why? Because I had A LOT of stuff come up from all the surgeries and wanting to fall in love and get settled – and what came up was child, wounded energy and that was what was pulling me into connecting with an unhealthy guy. Basically, it’s hard for you to let go because there is still A LOT of little girl, wounded energy that has not been resolved yet. That little girl energy is MUCH stronger than your adult energy and she is holding on for dear life! I imagine you work with this part of yourself with your therapist, yes? Do you feel therapy isn’t working for you? I can’t remember, is it just talk therapy or do you do deeper work with techniques?
Looking forward to your response!!!
Heidi
Well! Today is Thanksgiving and I praying you are spending it with your boys and that the weather did not get in the way of that. Snow is sooooo much better than rain, but not if it stops you from seeing them!
I know that regardless, you are incredibly happy to be going home, seeing some sun, snow and visiting your home that I’m sure misses your energy terribly!
I am sending you sooooo many good vibes that things go just the way you need them to and that you get restored.
Heidi
Hi Jaylyn.
Welcome to the forum! This is a tough situation because no matter what you do, it isn’t going to change his need to interrogate or his need to shut down. His need to shut down is his life long coping mechanism. We all have them and they never go away. The best we can do is manage our coping mechanism, but that takes a lot of work and some serious deep diving / healing / forgiving etc. It’s really important that you understand this – HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
Your job is to accept him for who he is. He has a tough job and sees/works with the worst of humanity. His job isn’t going to change, so him being suspicious is just part of who he is. You can work at connecting through conversation, but you are taking on a HUGE project here – and one that will most likely have very little success. You might see some small changes at best, but again – if you are going into this relationship wanting him to change, then wouldn’t you say he might not be a good match for you? He deserves to be loved, chosen and accepted for EXACTLY who he is – shutting down and interrogating included. If you can do this, then great! If not and you need him to change so you can feel more connected with him, then you might want to consider taking a step back and re-evaluating whether or not it’s the best choice to date a guy you aren’t happy with.
I have no doubt he has some amazing qualities or you wouldn’t be here trying to figure this out. Here is something to think about though…it is NOT the best parts of a couple or a person that makes a relationship work. A relationship breaks because the worst of the couple is damaging or sabotaging the connection. When I advise people who are wanting to fall in love, I tell them to pay attention to the worst of the person. How do they treat you when they are stressed? How do they treat themselves and how do they handle the stress? It’s important they are respectful, stay connected and work through things WITH you. Not to say that a person can’t take some time and space, but it’s communicating “hey…I need some time to process this. I will connect with you at the end of the day and we can keep talking about this…” Poor communication is the #2 reason people get divorced. So no matter how amazing this guy might be and all of his great qualities, his worst qualities are the kind that will break connection and lead to breaking up – unless he is willing to shift how he handles stress.
Have you ever expressed to him what you have said here?
Heidi
Hi Audrey,
Just wanted to check in. Any thoughts about what I said? Any more questions? How have things progressed? Have you heard from him again?
Heidi
why do I want to punish him because he is overreacting for silly things and not for every situation I will fix things he needs also to be responsible. It sounds like there are some deeper rooted issues here, beyond what is currently happening. It sounds like you feel like you are always the one fixing things and he doesn’t take responsibility. Yes? No?
He definitely feels like you are not hearing him nor very curious about him. So let’s talk about that. His feelings are real for HIM, whether you agree with it or not. What do you understand about how he is feeling? His statements is definitely a deep rooted statement and doesn’t seem to be a feeling he has from only this current situation, but probably from many experiences. That’s the hard part about 15 years – a lot of patterns can really build up and cause hurt and resentment if those patterns are not really worked on by both parties. Yes, he probably is having a BIG reaction over something silly AND his reaction is telling you something about him. Whatever happened, it triggered something pretty big in him, so his reaction is not just about this current situation – it’s about something MUCH bigger. Do you have any idea about what it could be triggering from his past?
As far as you apologizing, I’m sure you apologized for what you said, but it doesn’t sound like you have said anything about how he is feeling. He is feeling not heard, he is feeling like all you care about is yourself, he is feeling like you are not curious about him. So that’s why I recommended to say what I mentioned above.
Since you guys haven’t talked in a couple of days, you can say something like “I’ve really been thinking a lot about this whole situation. I don’t fully and completely understand everything you are feeling and your need to pull away from me. I realized how ineffective I was in handling all of this because I don’t understand. You’re right. I wasn’t very curious about you, I didn’t ask you why you were angry and I’m really seeing how I could have handled all of this much better. I want to be a better partner for you and I want you. I want to understand you more and I want you to feel more supported. I know you still need space, but whenever you are ready to talk, my heart is open and I want to know you better and learn how I can be a better partner for you.”
How does saying something like that feel for you? I think the bottom line here is, you guys both have some deep rooted feelings about each other that need to be acknowledged, addressed and very directly worked on. Have you guys ever worked with a specialist or tried to help yourselves at all through a book or program? Is that something you would be willing to do?
Heidi
Hi MA,
Thank you for being here! I definitely can understand your desire to punish him and I understand your confusion. Men and women can operate so differently in relationships.
Let’s see if we can find some resolution here.
Then I got mad at him “how come he slept with me when he still has a mad feeling.” First, it’s important to understand that men and women view and experience sex very differently. Most men are able to compartmentalize their feelings. I’m sure that is what he did, so he could have sex with you. I wouldn’t take it personally. I understand how that hurt your pride, because us ladies are unable to have sex unless everything is okay. What I suggest is to talk to him about him. Sex is such a dynamic act of intimacy and it’s so important to make sure communication is good about it. Why not have a conversation with him and ask him about it. You can say something like, “Tell me about how you were able to have sex with me, even though you were upset. I would like to understand this more. Teach me about your mindset.”
there is no connection at all, and your pride hurt, but you are not thinking about me, and you did not even ask why I’m mad; you are not even curious, you just care about yourself !” This says a lot about how he is feeling. What are you thoughts about this? Do you understand why he feels this way? Do you see some truth in it?
Has he ever mentioned feeling like this before?So I don’t know what to do. At the same time, I want to punish him for this kind of attitude I think that place to start is to validate what he is feeling and create some space for him and whatever it is that he wants you to pay attention to. You can start by saying “I heard you. You are feeling like I am not curious about you and I want to fix that. Let’s talk. I want to listen.”
It’s important for you to put aside your need to punish him for right now. Would you be willing to forgive him and let this go? And instead, focus on repairing the connection? Your feelings can come up later, but for right now, can you focus on what he needs?
Heidi
This is great! Now you have confirmation that it had nothing to do with you. I’m glad he finally talked to you and was honest. It sounds like things ended peacefully and now it’s time for you to heal. So how are you going to help yourself through this loss? Do you feel pretty good about this?
Heidi
I’m so glad that it makes more sense to you!!! Understanding relationships can be incredibly challenging and confusing. It’s something I have studied my entire life, so it all makes easy sense to me. I wish this kind of stuff could be taught in school. Relationship skills are applicable to EVERYTHING.
So tell me what you feel like you understand now. How do you feel like you are going to approach your current situation and other situations to come?
Do you have other questions?
Heidi
But if I’m honest, it’s the same for us, sometime you don’t “feel” a person and you don’t have any explanation lol. At least I do Oh yes! Our intuition is always communicating to us, but most people are not that connected to their intuition. Energy is the first language of a dog whereas, for us humans, it’s usually the last thing we pay attention to, because we weren’t taught how to understand our energetic senses. Over the past 10 years, I’ve really been developing and strengthening my ability to understand and feel energy – dogs have actually helped me with that quite a bit! They are great teachers!
Well, it sounds like the whole guy thing is okay for now. I get the mixed signals thing. If he isn’t initiating anything, he most likely is not invested very much. He might be the kind of guy that is “out of site, out of mind.” When he is with you, he is very present and attentive and invested, but when he is away from you, he is connected to rest of his life and not really you. Either way, it sounds like you are okay with it for now. Be careful though. With how he treats you, it would be very natural for part of you to start to connect with him more deeply. I know you are highly self aware and will pay attention to this.
I understand how you handle your parents now. I think it’s always important to be yourself AND also honor those around you and their beliefs. We have a saying “pick your battles.” Deciding what to fight for and what not to fight for, is important!
Heidi
It was just weird because we connected so well at first and even when he was distant he would apologize and he was still very sweet. I like that he apologized. That’s important! The thing is, does the apology really mean anything when it happens again? and then he apologizes AGAIN?? Here is something to understand. This is a principle to understand across all situations: Once is just once. 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. So when you experience a behavior more than 2x, close together, KNOW this is a pattern that is part of their being. They can apologize all they want, but the pattern will not go away without some SERIOUS internal work and many times, the pattern will just always be there – and the person has to learn how to better manage it so it doesn’t sabotage connection. For example, pulling away and retreating is a strong pattern I have…it’s my coping mechanism as well. I have worked with that pattern for many many years and I am able to manage it now. The second thing to understand is that it’s also not unusual for men to retreat into their “cave” to process their emotions, stressors, etc. I understand you thinking that it’s you, but I highly doubt that. But let’s say that you are right, just for the sake of it. A relationship that is going to work requires communication and requires that BOTH people are willing to work through things. If a guy isn’t willing to communicate with you about something you are doing that is ineffective, then the relationship is doomed to begin with. A guy who is fully invested and is completely inspired by you, he will find ways to keep you in his life. So what’s important is for you to just be you and EXPECT that he will accept you just as you are – and not only accept you, but be delighted by you, inspired by you, view you as his princess and create his life with you in it. This is something that happens naturally and effortlessly. I’ve had a TON of guys ghost or not communicate or whatever and they get to do that! I also don’t take it personally and I expect more as well.
what should I do if he does pull away, with any guy? Does that mean I need to give him space? Does that mean it’s not meant to be? Try to talk to him? It’s all so confusing. Such a great question! It’s simple really. When this happens, I communicate my needs. I say something like “Hey. It feels like you have distanced. What’s happening?” Once we discuss it, I then say something like “I get that you are going to need your space sometimes. If you want me to stay engaged, I just need you to communicate what you need. If you disconnect without letting me know what’s happening for you, I end up feeling confused and worried. Do you feel okay doing this?” If he says yes, then great! Then if he does it again, I would remind him of the conversation and let him know that this behavior is something that is a deal breaker for me. If he does it again, I honor his pattern and step away and end the connection. The most important thing is for you to have standards. YOU teach people how to treat you. People either align or don’t with how you want to be treated, but making your standards MORE IMPORTANT than the connection is what matters. This is the hardest part though. You can meet a guy and have strong feelings for him and it’s incredibly tempting to negotiate away your standards so you can keep feeling good. I will tell you, this never ends well. The connection is only as strong as how respectful and honoring both people are towards each other. So when the guy is sabotaging the connection by disappearing WITHOUT talking with you about it, then he is not caring about how he affects you – it’s quite disrespectful and if you allow that behavior, you are setting the tone for down the road. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Michelle,
I love your update. It sounds like you really have learned how to view life with a glass being half full. Focusing on what you DO have is very important!!! It sounds like he is opening up to you and connecting more deeply because of it!
I just want you to be careful though. It’s called “bypassing” when someone focuses on the positive in order to manage the negative. Focusing on the positive is powerful and amazing and important, but NOT at the expense of ignoring the negative. It’s just as important to really pay attention to what isn’t working, your triggers, your insecurities, your fears, your limitations…all of those things will ALWAYS exist, but getting to know those parts of yourself are really important if you are going to keep the relationship growing. Your fears and insecurities are there for a reason. Focusing on the positive doesn’t make those fears and insecurities go away and they will always resurface – that’s why working with those parts of yourself directly is important if you are going to sustain that beautiful positive attitude you have connected with.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Margo,
I know it can be so incredibly confusing to one moment feel him open and connective and then distant. It’s frustrating. I want to slow you down here. First, you have never met him in person. You NEVER know what someone is truly like until you see them IN PERSON and watch how they interact and deal with their daily lives, see their daily habits, feel their touch and so much more. You have such a SMALL amount of information about him. So to head into a committed relationship is a pretty big deal when you have never met each other. Also, for him to already be going hot and cold is a pretty big red flag. You are assuming that his reactions are about him not being attracted to you or that you must have done something wrong. Women have a tendency to take the blame every time a guy pulls away. Reality is though, most of the time a guy is pulling away because of something personal in his own life and that’s just his natural coping mechanism – the mistake a lot of women make is turning the situation into being about “you must be losing feelings for me” instead of taking a step back and really understanding what the guy is going through.
Have you guys talked at all about meeting up in person?? I would say before you spend any more energy on this guy, finding a way to meet in person sooner than later is very important. I have seen people who have spent many, many months connecting online and over the phone and then they finally meet in person and it just didn’t turn out how they imagined. That’s the danger about connecting with someone long distance and having never met them. It’s normal for our brains to take the snapshot picture we have of a person and turn it into a GIANT fantasy about who they are and then we end up falling in love…with the fantasy our minds have created.
As far as him pulling away, it sounds like that is just his natural coping mechanism. It’s important for you to accept and understand this about him. Him pulling away is about HIM and not you. Even if you did do something, how he handles it, is about HIM. Personally, I do not put up with being treated that way. That kind of coping mechanism ruins relationships. It’s called stonewalling and it’s extremely damaging to the connection. It breaks emotional safety and trust.
Thoughts?
Heidi
