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Wow! Sounds like he really is ready to leave this earth very soon. It’s going to be a huge shock for your sister to no longer have him to take care of. I know for me, there was so much output taking care of my dog the last few months, that I kind of watched myself finding ways to keep “over” taking care of my mom or the other dogs, because I couldn’t just stop. I’m allowing myself a very slow decline back to a new baseline again.
Oh you are going to miss Bridget. It sounds like she is making a really good decision though. I really hope that wherever you land next, you are valued and appreciated and that you love where you work….AND that you get to stay home!!! That would be amazing!
When is your flight back to the Netherlands again?
Did you decide how you are going to spend your weekend? I hope it warms up enough so you can get out and connect with nature! Maybe go to the dog park and take some pictures!!!
Heidi
Oh what a beautiful story about Windy! That must have made your heart burst with love and connection to see her that way! How special! That really made me smile.
I’m happy to remind you as many times as you need, that being the best version of yourself is also honoring 🙂 I hope it is able to relieve some of the guilt you carry.
Totally understand now what you meant about the guy asking for exclusivity. Makes sense!
Glad the cookies turned out great! I’m going to make some chocolate chips ones tomorrow. I also am housebound as a cold front came in and it’s -17F. In the 10 years I’ve lived here, it’s never been that cold. A bit tough with the dogs. It is taking several times of running out really fast and back in before they get all emptied out. Their paws end up hurting after about a minute. So housebound we are for a couple of days. It’s cozy actually. I know you love your house, so I’m hoping you are soaking it all in and filling up before you have to head back.
Heidi
I love your horse stories! Share as many funny memories you have with them, as you want! How fun. You really were involved with them. I know once kids come into the picture, everything changes…as it should. I would love it if you somehow were able to start riding again and bonding with a new horse. Such powerful and etheric beings! When my first dog passed, I was house/dog sitting at a ranch and the neighbor was out riding (she competes in reigning) and she asked if I wanted to go for a ride. I said sure. She had never done that before, so I thought it was strange. My do had passed the day before and I wasn’t eating and I was just seriously depressed. She knew that and was trying to help. After the ride (maybe 30 minutes) I walked into the house and I all of a sudden had an appetite and I felt like I had shifted into being functional again. That horse energy had helped me soooooo much. I was being “worked on” while riding that special being. What a gift! I will never forget that!
How do I honor my parents and be there for them and yet keep my mental health and not get drawn into their dis-functionality? I remember you saying this before. It seems you have this story in your mind about what it means to “honor” your parents. Do you really think that it’s honoring your parents to be involved in their mess and abuse? You actually believe that God is saying “You should honor your parents even though they are abusive and critical to you and they steal away your joy??” If that’s the God you believe in, then you are believing in a God who is not loving and caring to ALL his beings. Scripture is debatable, not literal. I’m sure with all you have studied, you have come across SEVERAL interpretations to even just 1 word. What does it mean to “honor” your parents? You could believe it means exactly what you think – take care of them in need – OR it could mean honor your parents by being the best version of yourself possible. Isn’t that honoring too? Being the best version of yourself means NOT being around them because they bring out the worst in you AND you around enabling and supporting them in being in their dysfunctional patterns….so is that honoring to bring out the worst in them and you??? Rhonda…you have been carrying around this guilt for a long time and you are using this verse to support why you should feel guilty instead of working with your guilt and letting your heart be free of it. Are you willing to let it go yet? That guilt is destructive to your spirit and impacts you in ways you are not even aware of.
I’ll date several men until one asks for an exclusive relationship. What??? You are just going to wait and see who asks for exclusivity? That is a statement of woman who is giving away her power to the man. Maybe you didn’t mean it that way. I don’t know, but I would rather hear you saying “I’ll keep dating until I find a man who inspires the best in me and meets my standards.”
I’m so glad you got to make your cookies. How did they turn out? It sounds like she is a good person to give you some inside scoop about these guys. A good person to know!!!!
Heidi
What a sweet story about your dog. They DO let us know, don’t they? I’m glad you were listening and able to fully receive him in your home. How long did you get to have him? How did your horse come into your life?
Shumba, my dog who just crossed over, was a blessing in disguise. The owner at the time was a client of mine (in the gym). She was a therapist and energy healer and she had worked on my previous dog a few times at the very end, helping her release any energies keeping her sick. Then she died. My client suggested that I come over whenever I wanted and walk Shumba, as I was really needing dog energy. I normally don’t do things like that, but something in me said yes. So I would go over about once a week and Shumba and I would go on a walk. Then it turned into me taking him every weekend from Friday to Sunday. We would go everywhere together into the mountains and go on hikes. The owner said that every time I left, he would pout and every time Friday would come around, he would know and wait for me by the door. One time when I walked into the house, he jumped up and put his front paws on my shoulders and tried to pull me to him – like he was giving me a hug. It was so amazing!
They rescued him in Africa. They were living in Zimbabwe and the mom was going to come back to Boulder while the dad stayed – so they rescued Shumba from a pretty horrible place and Shumba became the dad’s dog and stayed in Africa. Then they shipped Shumba to Boulder after about 5 years since the dad was starting to move countries again for work. The dad would come home to Boulder every 4-5 months and Shumba would be elated. Well…one time when I brought Shumba back, the dad was there to greet us. Shumba went up to him and was a little excited, but then just came right back to me. We all went into the house and talked a bit and Shumba ended up laying down, being very quiet and pouting. The father said “Wow, you really exercised him. He is really tired right now.” I knew he wasn’t. I knew Shumba was pouting. The mom, being the very bold person she is, said “No, he is pouting and doesn’t want Heidi to leave.” That week while the father was home, Shumba didn’t sleep with him or really interact with him very much – which was very unusual. The mom knew Shumba had bonded to me.
Shumba was the kind of dog that needed 1 person to invest in. First, it was the dad, then it was their daughter. The daughter had moved to Washington D.C. for a new job, a few months before I came into the picture, and she didn’t take Shumba. So he was “personless.” The mom saw what was happening and talked to her family about giving him to me. The mom was home alone with her own dog, 2 horses and 3 cats, so I think offering Shumba to me, was more of a relief for her. So about 3 months after my first dog passed, Shumba officially became mine. My first dog was not a very affectionate or connective dog. I had her 16 years and was used to her always being around me, but not letting me pet her for very long. We kind of lived parallel lives. Then Shumba came into the picture and showed me a VERY different experience. He was all about love and connection and it was hard at first. It was soooooo much love coming at me, that I couldn’t quite take it in. I had to create some distance sometimes until I got “used to it.” I think that is the greatest gift Shumba ever gave me. He expanded my ability to give and receive love. Our love felt limitless. Our bond was constant and I felt him with me ALL THE TIME even when we were apart. He was an amazing and transformative relationship. I had more “perfect” moments with him, hiking and being in nature and being so filled up with love and peace, that I never felt like I needed anything more in my life. What a gift. His absence leaves a giant hole in my life. It’s hard to imagine having another dog. I’m not open to it yet, but I know at some point I will be. I just need time to re-calibrate and heal. Thank you for holding space for my story. That felt good to write all of this out.
I guess I feel I owe her as she took care of our parents by herself. You don’t owe her anything. That was HER choice. No one is obligated to take care of anyone. If your sister didn’t do it, then somehow, some way, your parents would have been taken care of. If you want to fly your sister out, only do it because you WANT to, not because you feel “obligated.” That’s a story full of lies that you are investing in. You sister, and your parents, and most people for that matter, CHOOSE to be miserable in their adult lives. When you grow up feeling that way, an addiction/way of life gets established and that misery allows them to stay a victim. Your sister gets to feel like she gets to be the martyr by being the “good” daughter which continues to source her misery. That’s HER choice and nothing you need to feel like you should rescue her from or feel obligated to help her fly out. That is you taking on HER life choices and joining her in supporting that story. Let it go. Let go of any guilt that you didn’t participate. Let go of any shame that you weren’t there for your parents or sister. Let go of any obligation that you should have done or been more for all of them. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s something you want to work on, so you don’t carry that energy around with you.
Your night out sounds like it was just what you needed. You got filled up with connection and new conversations and new people and old friends. I know how lonely you have been feeling…for a long time. I hope you had fun at the concert as well. Any potential love interests? I hope you get to make your cookies!!! I still just don’t have the energy, but I have the recipe now, so I will give it a try at some point.
I really love all the nourishment you are getting while home. I hope something shows up for you where you get to stay home. I know how much happier you will be.
Heidi
Hi Jalyn
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How is it going with your guy? Have you figured out a way to connect better with him? Any new developments?
Heidi
Tell me about your dog and your horse! Our pets are incredibly special and unique as they are the only beings who are able to offer us unconditional love. It’s so special. The love I had and have with Shumba felt limitless, transformative and healing. Yes, I’ll get another dog. It needs to be quite a special dog considering I do so much dog sitting…so we shall see. My first dog found me and Shumba also found me. I wasn’t looking for a dog either time, but they both ended up in my life somehow. So I’m just going to wait and see what happens. I’m not really ready to “look” right now. The amount of output and lack of sleep the past 3 months pushed me beyond every limit I ever thought I had, so I feel like I just want to recover for a bit. I’m dog sitting until the new year and then I’ll have a month to just take care of myself and take a breath. I trust the process and I have no doubt the next dog will show up when the timing is right.
Your dad has had a tough life. It always makes me sad when people choose not to face the trauma and not to heal. They end up like your dad, miserablee forever. Their past constantly is keeping them in fight or flight mode…and it doesn’t have to be that way. The healing path is tough and scary though…it’s not for everyone. My father recently passed as well. I hadn’t talked to him in over 20 years. I did cry. I was kind of surprised by that, but there is just something that happens, deep inside, when your parent leaves this earth – even if you aren’t close.
Wow. Your sis is tiny. She sounds quite miserable too. Is she coming to visit when you go see your cousin?
I’m glad you are taking a step back from Dave. I hope you have some fun at the singles event and spread your beautiful light all around. Whether you meet a potential date or not, you will have shared your light with everyone!
Heidi
I’m okay. Grieving a lot, as expected. There is a HUGE void and emptiness that he filled and it’s going to take time to adjust to him being in spirit form now. I know he is still with me though. I know he is happy and free and not longer having to deal with physical pain and exhaustion. My mom is slowly recovering. She is doing better each day, although it’s still sometimes really hard. She is living with me right now since I don’t have stairs and it’s a blessing. I don’t have to come home to an empty space, so I get a little “adjustment” period to the idea of Shumba no longer being here. Diving timing for sure.
But just makes me feel again that I’m not and never was, part of the family. I get it. I never felt part of my family either. I know MANY people who feel like they never belonged to their family. Many of those people are actually my closest friends….LOL. So we create our own family…a family of people who support, love and honor each other no matter what. That’s the REAL meaning of family and that has nothing to do with blood. Regardless, there still is a lot to process when you don’t feel part of your blood family. It’s hard to feel like you don’t “belong.” The gift is learning that you are more than their opinion of you. You are soooooo much more than your family. Although they are not able to connect into your beauty and light and see the value you bring into this world, you are still ALL of those things…and more. It’s about knowing and seeing that about yourself, even though your “family” doesn’t agree. That is about THEIR limitation and not yours.
How are you feeling about your father being at the end? I imagine it was quite hard to see him so fragile. How are you processing all of this?
It’s your birthday!!!! Is it today??? The 16th? What age are you turning? I LOVE that you are getting a massage. It also sounds like you have some wonderful things planned for the week. I hope you have some much needed fun!!! What are your plans for Christmas?
Do you think it would still be ok for me to ask him to take me to the airport in Jan? Nope. I suggest taking a step back and allowing him the room to initiate. Regardless of all of his efforts, he isn’t following through. So far, it’s only been you initiating and him responding. I would suggest taking a step back and seeing what he does. He might be nervous or afraid, but he needs to be able to step past that and not need YOU to keep things going. So again, stop texting and initiating with him and see what he does. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Shannon,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I know your are dealing with big heartbreak right now. What are you doing to support yourself? What are you doing to nourish yourself?
Feel free to come here and vent, ask questions or just free write and let your emotions and thoughts flow. That can be really helpful and I am more than happy just to hold the space for you to release.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Thank you for your prayers. It’s been a rough few days as I said goodbye to my beloved Shumba on Saturday evening. He told me in his own way Saturday morning that the pain was getting hard to deal with. It was sooooo incredibly hard as he still had so much engagement in life. His life force was still very strong – but regardless, I love him too much to make him continue to be in that kind of pain, especially knowing it was only going to get worse. My mom is doing a little better each day. So although it’s an incredibly tough season for me, it’s all going to be okay.
I’m not surprised your visit to your sister’s was a mess. That was to be expected. Considering who she is, as well as your father, I imagine that’s just how it’s always going to be. I’m glad you are back home safe though. Now you get to have a few weeks enjoying your home, yes? Anything else planned?
What do you like about Dave? I know it’s only been a few hours that you’ve spend with him, but how did that go? Is he easy to talk with? It doesn’t sound like he is making much effort to see you again before you leave or to keep in contact. Do you feel that might be his personality type or do you possibly think he isn’t that interested? Not sure what kind of vibe you got from him when you met in person.
I can’t believe Christmas is only a week away. This season has gone by so incredibly fast. I hope you are just filling up your soul with the beauty of nature and all the lights!
Heidi
My apologies Shannon, I must have missed where you said that you were seeing a counselor. I know you suggested seeing one with him, but I didn’t see where you talked about having your own help. This is great! Have you talked about what happened for you in that moment and what caused you to treat him so poorly?
(apparently this took him by surprise) I tried to talk to him and tried to warn him but he was oblivious (and I was actually pretty clear) however the pain this caused him was enough to change him a bit. Here is the thing Shannon – There must have been more deep-rooted issues going on for you guys that caused your connection to be challenged and unsustainable. For him to be “oblivious” after you felt like you warned him and were very clear about how this wasn’t working for you – that just tells me he probably wasn’t a guy who really connected to how his behaviors were affecting you…and that honestly is a pretty big red flag as a trait that will ultimately destroy the connection. You guys had problems, like all couples, but what makes couples last and work or not work are HOW the couple navigates those challenges. Let me ask you this…is he the kind of guy who takes ownership of his mistakes? Is he the type of guy who will take his own initiative to learn and become a better partner? Has he ever read self-help books or created any kind of accountability with friends, family or anybody to help him navigate his life and his triggers? You have a therapist, so you have accountability, you are hopefully really working deeply with your own triggers and you are learning along the way about how to be a better partner for him. Yes, you had a moment where you really hurt him AND if that is not a pattern and a “one-off” kind of thing – mostly likely due to your hormones – then wouldn’t you say that’s forgivable? This wall he has put up is his coping mechanism. Fine…he can put that wall up for a bit, but what is he doing to deal with the hurt? My guess is, he is just blaming you for this wall going (when it’s actually HIS choice) and he is going to stew about it for a while but sadly will never confront his triggers that caused the wall to go up the way it did. This means he is not doing the work to learn how to forgive and release your humanness that ended up really hurting him. He would rather give up and let the wall stay there instead of attacking it head-on, work with you and a counselor, and work with you to improve the connection. That wall he put up will be there forever now and it will affect every aspect of his life. He most likely has a million walls from his previous hurts – hence carrying a lot of baggage which will always impact how well he shows up as a partner to go through life with.
I shouldn’t have just left and should have bugged him more to go see a counsellor but I didn’t. The real truth is, regardless of what you did and did not do, you would have ended up here eventually. It’s not YOUR job to “bug” him to go see a counselor. He needs to have something within him that naturally wants to fight for his life. If you have to “bug” for your partner to gain more clarity and face his baggage, then that is just showing you an underlying dysfunction that will eventually sabotage the quality of the love and lead to a breakup. You reached your breaking point and decided to end things. Has he ever once really looked as his actions and behaviors that lead you to that point? Has he ever asked, how can I be better? How did I contribute to this? What am I doing that caused the person that I love, to want to separate from me? These are the kinds of questions a person will ask themselves, that has the skillset and ability to support and sustain a love that is healthy and nourishing and growing. It sounds like this guy has some qualities that will eventually sabotage love – and that has nothing to do with you.
Of course you are crying and hurting like crazy. He was a part of every cell in your being. He was woven into each part of every single day – and now you have lost that. That kind of loss can take your breath away and trying to figure you how to create a new kind of life is beyond challenging. I know you want him, but how he handles stress and challenge is not going to change, so the odds of you ending up right back here are very high. You need a PARTNER – a teammate – who works WITH you, listens to you and is willing to fight for his connection with you. This guy isn’t that person. I’m so so so sorry. Your tears honor him and the goodness that you guys created together.
Here is a tedx talk that may be helpful: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
I understand you are trying to figure out what’s going on with your body. It’s tough isn’t it? Regardless of hormones, learning how to manage your emotions when they DO come up, is important, so you don’t cause harm to anyone.
Why not go to counseling on your own? This would be a great way to show him that you actually do want to become a better partner, not just through words, but through actions. Is that something you are willing to do?
The thing is, I imagine he does not want to come back just to enter back into old patterns. So instead of focusing on getting him back right now, what if you focused on switching how you relate to him? Focus on how you communicate. Focus on being the kind of partner you want to be for him and start practicing what that would look like. Let him experience you differently vs. focusing on just getting him back. This is how trust can be built back up again. Give it some time.
What kinds of conversations are you having right now? What is your connection like currently?
Heidi
Oh you are off to your sisters??? I’m so sorry. I know how hard that is for you. Your place sounds wonderful and it sounds like you are really filling up your heart with the warmth and love your home has to offer you. When do you head back to Holland?
I’m so glad you had a good interview. With the project being sooooo huge, I imagine the odds of you working with them are pretty high. I guess you will know in time.
Yay!!! You had some fun with Dave. It sounds like it was a good date. When are you seeing each other again? Are you attracted to him? It sounds like he has a lot of qualities you are looking for, but I’m not sensing much chemistry. You do have a lot going on right now, so it’s probably pretty hard to know how you feel. I suppose there is enough there to at least have a 2nd date.
I hope you guys are able to decorate your cookies and that they turn out well. Most of Christmas is not gonna happen for me this year. I found out last week my pup has bone cancer. He doesn’t have much longer to live and taking care of him right now is a full time job since he isn’t able to walk. His spirits are high and he is still very engaged in life, but his body is taking him down a different path. Plus my mom just had a knee replacement surgery, so she is sleeping in my bed because my place has no stairs. Her place has 2 flights of stairs, so….my plate is full right now. No energy to do or make anything other than what has to be done. It’s an extremely hard time for me. I’m so sad, but I know this is just part of life. I love my dog intensely and every minute I get to have him, I’m so grateful. I would love your prayers as I navigate this season 🙂
Safe travels and I will be sending you a lot of prayers as you navigate these next few days as well. One day at a time.
Heidi
Thanks for sharing more details.
My first question is, how many times have you treated him this way when you were upset? Typically, this kind of “confrontation pattern” starts from a very young age. I imagine this is not the first time you have treated someone this way. Reading books is a good start, but the truth is, you most likely are carrying quite a bit of unresolved hurt/pain and you end up lashing out and criticizing. Have you been treated like this when you were younger or role modeled this type of behavior? Have you ever tried going to therapy yourself?
Reading books and following steps is a start, but it does not deal with the core/underlying issue as to why you are treating someone this way and sabotaging the connection. If you truly want to shift that behavior, it’s about tapping into your anger/hurt that you are carrying and working with it, releasing it and THEN building new habits along the way.
I imagine with you ending things and him being surprised by this, he has some anger/hurt/resentment he needs to work with within himself too. Sometimes, when the woman really takes the initiative and gets help and starts to shift her behavior, the man will follow. So saying sorry is not enough, but taking ACTION beyond following some guidelines – of which it doesn’t sound like it worked really well – may be the impetus to really shift how you guys connect. It may take a while for him to want to open up to you again, but regardless, when you start to work with yourself more deeply, you can only benefit.
There is no quick fix to this, but you can at least start the wheels turning by saying something like “I understand that you shifted after I ended things. No matter how much I love you, I really am seeing that’s not enough. When I am hurt or angry, I hurt you, I hurt myself, I hurt our relationship and I become someone I do not like – and I really want to change that. I am going to get some help and work on my anger and learn new ways to manage my emotions. You do not deserve to be treated with criticism and for me to belittle you. I understand you don’t feel safe with me and I hope to repair that. Either way, I need to be a better partner – I hope in my journey we are able to come back together and have a better experience.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Red flags are relative to you personally. Of course there are those basic red flags for everyone – like abuse of any kind or someone who is demeaning and destructive. Then there are those red flags that are personal. I call it the non-negotiable list. Like I said, I HAVE TO HAVE romance and if a guy can’t offer me that, that’s a red flag and deal breaker, but for another woman, it isn’t. This is where you have to really get to know yourself, establish your core values and really start to understand what your non-negotiables are. What is it that you CANNOT live without in a relationship? This is a question you have to spend some time with, experiment with, explore it – and it changes as you get older as well. So think about your life first…what do you NEED in order for you to stay balanced in your life? How do you NEED to be treated as well?
Heidi
I love that you are enjoying those majestic mountains and animals!!! Soak it in!
I’m sorry your friend didn’t show up for cookies. I hope you still made them and found a way to enjoy the process. I’ve done cookies alone and I put on music or a Christmas movie and enjoy myself.
So how did it go with Dave? It’s okay that there is no spark with Dean. It is what it is.
What a bummer about all of those apartments. Maybe you will get to meet some new people!
It sounds like your sister really is struggling. It’s sad they made the decision they did and now they are having to deal with those consequences. I’m sure they will figure it out somehow!
Heidi
