Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I understand you are trying to figure out what’s going on with your body. It’s tough isn’t it? Regardless of hormones, learning how to manage your emotions when they DO come up, is important, so you don’t cause harm to anyone.
Why not go to counseling on your own? This would be a great way to show him that you actually do want to become a better partner, not just through words, but through actions. Is that something you are willing to do?
The thing is, I imagine he does not want to come back just to enter back into old patterns. So instead of focusing on getting him back right now, what if you focused on switching how you relate to him? Focus on how you communicate. Focus on being the kind of partner you want to be for him and start practicing what that would look like. Let him experience you differently vs. focusing on just getting him back. This is how trust can be built back up again. Give it some time.
What kinds of conversations are you having right now? What is your connection like currently?
Heidi
Oh you are off to your sisters??? I’m so sorry. I know how hard that is for you. Your place sounds wonderful and it sounds like you are really filling up your heart with the warmth and love your home has to offer you. When do you head back to Holland?
I’m so glad you had a good interview. With the project being sooooo huge, I imagine the odds of you working with them are pretty high. I guess you will know in time.
Yay!!! You had some fun with Dave. It sounds like it was a good date. When are you seeing each other again? Are you attracted to him? It sounds like he has a lot of qualities you are looking for, but I’m not sensing much chemistry. You do have a lot going on right now, so it’s probably pretty hard to know how you feel. I suppose there is enough there to at least have a 2nd date.
I hope you guys are able to decorate your cookies and that they turn out well. Most of Christmas is not gonna happen for me this year. I found out last week my pup has bone cancer. He doesn’t have much longer to live and taking care of him right now is a full time job since he isn’t able to walk. His spirits are high and he is still very engaged in life, but his body is taking him down a different path. Plus my mom just had a knee replacement surgery, so she is sleeping in my bed because my place has no stairs. Her place has 2 flights of stairs, so….my plate is full right now. No energy to do or make anything other than what has to be done. It’s an extremely hard time for me. I’m so sad, but I know this is just part of life. I love my dog intensely and every minute I get to have him, I’m so grateful. I would love your prayers as I navigate this season 🙂
Safe travels and I will be sending you a lot of prayers as you navigate these next few days as well. One day at a time.
Heidi
Thanks for sharing more details.
My first question is, how many times have you treated him this way when you were upset? Typically, this kind of “confrontation pattern” starts from a very young age. I imagine this is not the first time you have treated someone this way. Reading books is a good start, but the truth is, you most likely are carrying quite a bit of unresolved hurt/pain and you end up lashing out and criticizing. Have you been treated like this when you were younger or role modeled this type of behavior? Have you ever tried going to therapy yourself?
Reading books and following steps is a start, but it does not deal with the core/underlying issue as to why you are treating someone this way and sabotaging the connection. If you truly want to shift that behavior, it’s about tapping into your anger/hurt that you are carrying and working with it, releasing it and THEN building new habits along the way.
I imagine with you ending things and him being surprised by this, he has some anger/hurt/resentment he needs to work with within himself too. Sometimes, when the woman really takes the initiative and gets help and starts to shift her behavior, the man will follow. So saying sorry is not enough, but taking ACTION beyond following some guidelines – of which it doesn’t sound like it worked really well – may be the impetus to really shift how you guys connect. It may take a while for him to want to open up to you again, but regardless, when you start to work with yourself more deeply, you can only benefit.
There is no quick fix to this, but you can at least start the wheels turning by saying something like “I understand that you shifted after I ended things. No matter how much I love you, I really am seeing that’s not enough. When I am hurt or angry, I hurt you, I hurt myself, I hurt our relationship and I become someone I do not like – and I really want to change that. I am going to get some help and work on my anger and learn new ways to manage my emotions. You do not deserve to be treated with criticism and for me to belittle you. I understand you don’t feel safe with me and I hope to repair that. Either way, I need to be a better partner – I hope in my journey we are able to come back together and have a better experience.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Red flags are relative to you personally. Of course there are those basic red flags for everyone – like abuse of any kind or someone who is demeaning and destructive. Then there are those red flags that are personal. I call it the non-negotiable list. Like I said, I HAVE TO HAVE romance and if a guy can’t offer me that, that’s a red flag and deal breaker, but for another woman, it isn’t. This is where you have to really get to know yourself, establish your core values and really start to understand what your non-negotiables are. What is it that you CANNOT live without in a relationship? This is a question you have to spend some time with, experiment with, explore it – and it changes as you get older as well. So think about your life first…what do you NEED in order for you to stay balanced in your life? How do you NEED to be treated as well?
Heidi
I love that you are enjoying those majestic mountains and animals!!! Soak it in!
I’m sorry your friend didn’t show up for cookies. I hope you still made them and found a way to enjoy the process. I’ve done cookies alone and I put on music or a Christmas movie and enjoy myself.
So how did it go with Dave? It’s okay that there is no spark with Dean. It is what it is.
What a bummer about all of those apartments. Maybe you will get to meet some new people!
It sounds like your sister really is struggling. It’s sad they made the decision they did and now they are having to deal with those consequences. I’m sure they will figure it out somehow!
Heidi
Hi Shannon,
Welcome to the forum. Happy birthday! I hope you figured out a way to celebrate this very special day with people you love. I’m so sorry you are not with him the way you wanted to be. It sounds like you really care about him and I know your heart is breaking not getting to be with him.
It’s hard to offer guidance without understanding the dynamics that exist between you guys. How long have you guys been together? It sounds like there has been some deep hurt occur between you guys. Have you guys ever tried to work with a specialist together? Or go through a relationship program together? Or read a book together? It sounds like whatever baggage you guys are dealing with, maybe communication isn’t so good?
The things is…apologies are nice, but they don’t really matter if there is no ACTION behind that apology. I know you are sorry, but what are you DOING to learn how to improve your behavior and become a better partner?
What happened between you guys? What was the argument about? How did you behave poorly?
Heidi
That I have put myself out there and if he wants things to be different or work through this it’s up to him to vocalize that and communicate with me. 100% true. You have done the majority of the hard work to keep that relationship going by trying to become more and more healthy. If he wants to connect again, HE is going to have to do some work as well. That’s about creating a space for him to be grown up and use his words directly and clearly, instead of these wishy washy attempts…which is what this attempt is from him. He made a statement “hope you are doing well” instead of actually asking a question to create a conversation. He needs to be saying “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you and all that you are going through. Are you doing okay?” That’s a conversation starter – NOT what he said. His approach of “poking you” and hoping you will respond and take the lead…well that’s the pattern you guys have.
Thoughts on me responding? I know you want to respond so badly! I suggest not. There is nothing to respond to. He didn’t ask a question, he didn’t try to engage you in any particular way…he just made a statement and it truly was a very poor effort to connect. Do not reward him by responding to his weak attempt. These are my thoughts, but of course you can do whatever you want. Whether you respond or don’t respond, you will learn new things about yourself and him.
Yes, I know she had knee surgery, but I’m glad she responded and will reach out again when she is ready. She is worth the wait!
Heidi
I have an interview Tuesday with the director of projects here in Calgary. Pretty excited. This is incredible! I really hope it all works out for you and that you finally end up working with people you actually enjoy. I would love for you to get to stay home, so I’m totally rooting for you! I can’t wait to hear how it goes!
You have a date with a guy who ghosted you???? Now I’m curious. Do you remember actually liking him? I think either way, going on a date will feel really good for you. I’m so curious to hear how it turns out.
Seems like he doesn’t want to meet while I’m home but then he turns around asks me to tag along on a long trip. Don’t get it. Does it really matter? You aren’t interested in him anyways, right? Doesn’t he drink too much for your comfort level?
I totally get your attachment to your car. I have a strong attachment to my car as well. I drive somewhere around 30,000 per year, so I’m in my car a TON!!!! Like you, TONS of exploring with all the pups.
I’m so glad to hear that things are going well on your trip so far. I know how badly you needed this!
Heidi
What is stopping you from telling him now? You both know this is what needs to happen, yet no one is really taking action. Are you willing to commit to say goodbye completely and cut off all contact? If yes, when will you tell him?
What is your choice with this new guy? Are you going to keep hanging on and wait to see what happens or move on?
Heidi
It really sucks because this man is quite an amazing catch, pretty much everything I want! This actually isn’t true. First, you barely know him to be able to say this. What if he is abusive or critical when he gets angry? What if he completely ghosts you whenever you confront him about something ineffective he is doing? The MOST IMPORTANT thing to look for, is how someone treats you in their worst moments. This is what actually makes or breaks a relationship, NOT their best qualities. In the worst moments, do you guys work together? Do you guys treat each other with respect? Do you guys communicate well? Do you guys take responsibility for yourselves instead of blaming each other? These are things you don’t really know about someone until you see them in their worst and experience what it’s like to navigate that with them. You also have already said that he has a very low response level. He takes 4 days to respond to your text messages and that simply sucks. That doesn’t feel good. So no…he is NOT everything you want.
What has made you stay connected with your ex? Are you really going to leave a note? What would you say?
Heidi
Well, more in general what makes a relationship work and last. This is the big question isn’t it? The Gottman institute answered that for us. Here is their website: https://www.gottman.com/gottman-for-singles/ They did the longest study in existence (20 years) where they studied a gazillion couples in attempt to answer this very question. The information they up with is incredible and powerful! They have some amazing information on their website, so they are a good place to start as far as researching and learning about this topic.
Here is another great video: https://youtu.be/gh5VhaicC6g
I’m still not entirely sure. I know you have SOME ideas about what a healthy relationship looks like. What are some of your thoughts on this? Obviously, every single couple is different. Regardless of the couple, I think there are underlying, foundational qualities that need to exist in every single relationship…like treating each other with respect, even in the worst moments. What does that mean? You should read about the “4 horsemen” on the Gottman website. This will tell you the things that destroy connection. Along with that, it’s important for you to truly understand how you want to be treated in the best moments and the worst moments and then set your standards from that place. What are your core values? What are your non-negotiables? What do you need to feel balanced and nourished in a relationship? A relationship consists of 3 components…1 – you 2 – him 3 – the relationship itself. It’s VERY possible to love the man but NOT love the relationship. It’s possible to love the relationship but not necessarily the man. So you want to love the man AND really love the relationship and how you guys move through life together. What that entails is different for each person, so this is where it’s crucial for you to truly know yourself, what works for you and what doesn’t work for you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I just emailed you her contact info, so let me know if you didn’t get it!
I still blame myself for not taking the lead to have that difficult conversation, knowing how he is I feel like I should have known better and taken the lead. This would be YOU taking responsibility for his happiness. It’s not your job to make sure he communicates his needs. He is a grown man and you stepping in and taking the lead is like treating him as if he is incapable of that. That puts you in the “mother” type role and him the child. He needs to be treated like an adult where you EXPECT that he can take care of himself. Your need to take the blame is part of your own story about relationship, love and your own value – it’s part of your woundedness that is not operating from truth. This thought / story is coming your little girl wounded energy and not your grown up adult energy. Does this make sense?
The thing is, just because you know the truth, doesn’t mean you can actually feel it nor act upon it. When we know what the truth is, but are not able to bring into our system and live from that truth, that’s a sign of some deeper subconscious unhealthy programming that is operating in our system much more strongly than the truth. With my coach, we really get after those unhealthy programs. Today, even though many of those stories still exist in my system, the truth is much stronger in me and I am able to embrace it much easier when I am in a trigger. This is where you need to get to – making the truth bigger than the stories and programs. Does this make sense?
I’m shocked he moved on so quickly and here I am stuck and still grieving. Again, here is a sign of how different you both approach pain and challenge. He looks for distraction and you step into the pain, work with it and face it. He isn’t “over you” by any means. That’s impossible. He is just looking for quick fixes to ease the pain of the loss of you – and finding someone else is a quick and easy fix. This further shows how much you guys are not a match in the long run. You want a guy who will face his fears, his limitations, his hurts and he works with all of it instead of running from it. He is being quite unkind by connecting with another woman. She probably has no idea how unavailable he truly is and he sure isn’t protecting her from himself. It’s mean to pull someone into your world when you can’t offer them what they want. Maybe it’s just casual – who knows. Either way, he is running like he always has.
Of course you are still hurting and in shock. There is A LOT for you to process. It’s more than this breakup – it’s everything. It’s about the deep woundedness in you that you have carried for sooooo long and this breakup is triggering that. Be kind to yourself. Be patient. Be caring and compassionate. Treat yourself gently and know that this will pass.
Heidi
Hi Margo,
You sound quite grounded and clear about what you need. This is great!
What do you think you need to learn? What do you think healthy is?
Heidi
Hi Jennifer! Welcome to our forum.
It really is awful to be connecting with someone more than they are connecting with us. It really is strange how similar this guy and your last guy is! If that tells you anything, it might be telling you to try something different.
Let me ask you this…what is happening in YOU that caused you to accept a very limited relationship for so long? If a guy isn’t willing to commit after that long, he obviously is emotionally unavailable. Whether it has to do with you or him, it doesn’t matter. Regardless, it’s not what you want or need. And now you are walking down the same path again – with a guy who doesn’t appear to be a very good communicator.
Here is one thing to ALWAYS remember. Chemistry DOES NOT equal compatibility. Chemistry is just chemistry. It’s attraction that brings people together to get things started, but that’s about it. You have to have compatibility for things to be sustainable and workable – and so far, it seems this guy is not compatible in the communication department. Maybe consider moving on? I would suggest to also completely disconnect from the other guy. No friendship, no nothing – allow your heart to heal and truly separate from him. Once you have healed, you can be friends again, but until then, it’s important to give yourself some space and truly separate from him completely.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I guess I’ve always thought part of a relationship is making the other person happy and meeting his/her needs. Is this not true? Isn’t part of a relationship making your partner happy? This is a great question!!! There are a lot of dynamics to this, so let’s just keep working through this. Bottom line, each person’s happiness is up to themselves…that’s it. When it comes to relationship, it’s not your job to make sure they are happy, BUT their happiness is important to you. But it’s not your job to figure out what that is for them…that’s their job. So your guy was not happy and he never took ownership of that and really worked at trying to find his balance and what was missing and making sure he was getting his needs met. So the thing is, you be you, he is who he is and that, just by itself needs to make both of you happy. Of course limitations and baggage show up, so when that happens, you communicate your needs and talk about how to work through the sticky times, in an honoring and respectful way. So your partner’s happiness matters and you compromise and work on becoming the best partner possible, BUT never at the expense of who you are and want to be. So, both people are responsible for their own balance, making sure their needs are being met both personally and in the relationship and then together, the relationship naturally is nourishing and no one is completing the other person because each person completes themselves. Does this make sense?
I will email you her contact info! I hope it works out!
Heidi
