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Hi Soyini,
Welcome. I’m glad you reached out to get a different perspective. It’s a lot you are going through and being that you love him, it can really cause a lot of confusion.
Here is a simple rule you can always follow about patterns. Once is just once. 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. If it’s a strong pattern, you either have to accept that pattern as part of your life, as it’s part of how that person functions or require they shift it if they are going to be in a relationship with you. Obviously, he has many strong patterns that are destructive to your relationship. Bottom line is, you are trying to fight for a guy who doesn’t have integrity. You keep wanting him to have it, but it’s not who he is and he isn’t interested in building that within himself either. If he were, he would face himself. He would look at his destructive choices and patterns and begin to understand why those are his choices in the first place.
Can anyone help me figure this out please? There is nothing to figure out here. He doesn’t have integrity. So…you either accept this is the person you love and want to be with or you don’t. It’s really that simple. You cannot love him for the potential he carries, as that is like being on a hamster wheel. You will work and work and work trying to keep the connection going, but you will end up in the same place you started…with a guy who breaks his words all the time and with a guy who has no respect for women and with a guy who cheats and lies. I know this is not ALL of who he is. I know he has some great qualities too…or you would not have married him. The thing is, his negative qualities are qualities that sabotage connection and cause a lot of hurt. As you already know, it doesn’t change – regardless of what he says he feels for you and what he wants. Whatever it is that he is feeling for you – it’s not enough to change his patterns.
Patterns like this come from very deep-rooted hurt that he has never resolved. He has A LOT of baggage that prevents him from deeply connecting with anyone. That baggage is FULL of lies, low self-esteem, fear, anger, hurt etc. All of those feelings are much BIGGER than any love he feels for you…or anyone else for that matter. So yes, he has a part of him that loves you and wants things to work, but those feelings get overtaken by the baggage and the fear, the hurt, the anger take over and will always win…therefore sabotaging connection. Now…it’s important to be clear that he probably is not even aware he is doing any of this and why. He is aware of his choices, but he is not aware of the reasons for his choices. He is just following his feelings without wondering where they come from. So one moment, he is feeling strong for you, then the next moment, he is with that other woman. He is split, which is normal when you carry as much emotional baggage as he is carrying.
He is not set up emotionally to be happy. He is not set up emotionally to love deeply. He is not set up emotionally to live with integrity.
He was like this way before you ever came into his life, so this is not YOUR job to fix or “figure out.” What your job is, is to see him and accept him and love him for EXACTLY who he is. That is the greatest thing you can do for him and for yourself. That DOES NOT mean you stay with him though. There is something in YOU that you keep choosing to be with a man who is damaging. That is YOUR baggage. So before you start wanting him to “fix” how he is with you, look at yourself and what is causing you to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t treat you with respect. He can’t. He doesn’t respect himself. And you want respect from him, but you are not respecting yourself either.
You want things to change? Go see a therapist yourself. All you have control over lives within YOU and not him. He is who is and gets to be that way. If he wants to shift his life, he can take his own action and find a counselor himself. It needs to come from him though and not you trying to convince him. That will only backfire. He needs to WANT to grow, all on his own.
I understand you both have this very strong, natural connection that is effortlessly there. I wish it were enough. Connection does not equal compatibility though.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cassandra,
I responded to your other post, so let’s keep the conversation over on that thread. Thanks!
I know you haven’t had parents that were supportive and loving. They were controlling, judgemental and critical. That was their version of parenting and I’m so sorry that was your experience. I know you say “how can you miss something you never had” but there is a part of you that would miss that never got the love that you so deeply needed. That child part of us that connects to that “parent” regardless of how they treat us – that part can grieve because now there is an ending. It’s a good ending, but an ending nonetheless. You may or may not be connected to that part of you. Maybe journal her voice? Allow her some space to feel whatever it is that she wants to feel? Anger, sadness, love…whatever comes out, but give her a chance to tell you what she feels. It can be very healing.
I’m sure there is HUGE relief for your sister. In that relief though, I imagine she feels guilty and it’s a massive identity shift…which is always quite uncomfortable. She has a lot of things to face that are not easy.
I love the week you have planned. It’s perfect for your heart! So nourishing!!!
Heidi
Hi Cassandra,
Welcome to the forum. I’m glad you are here. Your situation is heartbreaking and I’m so so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s truly awful not feeling like you can trust your partner. You have some tough decisions to make.
He was so angry that I did this and said it was an invasion of privacy, he held a long grudge and blamed my emotions and negative attitude for everything. This is a prime example of gaslighting. He turned his infidelity into YOUR fault and switched the focus from him cheating to you having a negative attitude and YOU crossing boundaries. While you crossing boundaries is true and does need to e addressed, he somehow figured out a way to completely avoid taking responsibility for his choices and the hurt he caused you. Smart guy. He is good at manipulating you.
He refuses to delete them from his phone because he doesn’t want to be told what to do, which I agreed to because he has power struggle issues. Of course he doesn’t want to be told what to do. I don’t know anyone who does. The issue here is that he isn’t doing it himself. He shouldn’t have to be told, he should WANT to protect your relationship and do everything he can to earn your trust back – and that obviously does not interest him.
How could he do this while sleeping next to me every night? How do I stop him? How do I change the dynamic so he goes back to desiring me? In the past he said he was looking for attention, but I give him so much attention. Please help as I want to save our relationship! I understand you want to save your relationship. There is one thing missing in order to be able to do that – he doesn’t care enough to do the same thing. He is NOT on the same page as you are and as long as that is the dynamic, there is nothing you can do. I know your next question is….well how do I get him on the same page? My answer is – it’s not your job to get him on the same page. If you REALLY think about this, do you want to be with a guy who you have to convince to want to fight for you??? Do you really want a partner who blames you for HIM making choices that broke your agreement? Do you want a partner who keeps the dating apps and continues to use them? Because he claims he needs attention??? This guy is NOT a good partner. This guy has very strong narcissistic tendencies and is only interested in serving himself. He is not interested in how you feel. If he needs more attention, what’s stopping him from coming to YOU and having a talk about that? Instead he went to other women for that attention. At the very least, that lets you know how he chooses to solve problems…on his own and not with you. He clearly has no respect for you or for the container of a relationship. So you are asking…how do I get him to respect me? How do I get his attention? First, I would never advise anyone to try and get the attention of a guy who treats women the way he treats them. Second, he is not built for relationship. He is self-serving and not interested in having an authentic, honest, deep and connected relationship.
I know you feel like you love him and that he has some great qualities worth fighting for. I’m sure he does have great qualities! He also has qualities that ruin and sabotage connection and unfortunately, those qualities are more influential and impactful than all the great qualities. If you want his respect, then you need to respect yourself first and foremost. You cannot ask for something from someone else, that you do not carry within yourself. Would you say it’s a respectful thing for you to be with a guy who cheats on you? Would you say it’s loving and respectful to yourself to be with a guy who blames you for his cheating? Would you say it’s a respectful choice for you to be with a guy who keeps those apps on his phone because he says he doesn’t want to be told what to do???
It’s simple. You do not have any boundaries. You have taught him that he can do whatever it is that he wants to do and you are not going to leave. There are no consequences to his choices. So why should he stop? He knows that all he has to do is get angry enough and blame you and you’ll go along with it. So why should he change? You are even here asking how to get his attention again, as if YOU are the problem that needs to be fixed. Of course, there are things you could do to be a better partner, but you could spend thousands of dollars and thousands of hours on learning how to be the very partner in the world, but that would change the end result…you are with a guy who doesn’t care about you. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with who he is. He was like this before he even met you. If he cheated, and cared that he cheated and took responsibility and did everything he could to earn your trust back…that is something to work with and something you could fight for and possibly repair. But this guy is nowhere close to that and he is not going to change, because this is who he is – regardless of how you change. He probably will always be with a woman who isn’t able to stand up for herself. That is how he will be able to have his cake and eat it too. He can get attention and cheat as much as he wants and then get the love and attention from a committed girl who gives him everything he wants.
I know this is not at all what you wanted to hear. I want to lead you into your power. The first step of that is helping you begin to respect yourself, first and foremost. If that is a journey you are willing to take, then that will be more lifechanging – in a good way – than trying to get the attention of a man who is not relationship material.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh gosh Rhonda. Wow! I knew you would have a lot of mixed emotions about it. This is intense to deal with. I want to say “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this” and I wish I could help make this easier for you. Now, both of your parents are gone. It’s a shift in identity. Your dad probably feels more difficult because it’s compounded and triggering the loss of your mom as well. You no longer have parents on this earth. I’m sooo so sorry Rhonda.
Again, feeling guilty for not being there for his last few hours. Let’s go down this road a bit. Let’s say you did go to the nursing home and were there 24/7. You would have been criticized and had walls up around your heart, as you don’t feel safe and open around him. Do you REALLY think that somehow that would have made anything better for him? To be with someone who didn’t even like him? It’s okay that he passed on his own. What makes you think he wasn’t connected to his guides and angels and the divine light he was crossing into? We are NEVER “alone.” Do not allow yourself to buy into that story that feeds your guilt. Let it go and trust that every single moment in your dad’s passing was in perfect timing and a perfect plan. You are viewing his passing purely from a very limited human perspective which is FULL of all kinds of incongruities and partial truths. Let go of the story and trust that God and your dad had their own relationship and plan and it was divinely executed.
I’m sending you a GIANT virtual hug Rhonda. It’s a lot to process and I hope you allow yourself to feel all of it. I’m sure your sister is having a really hard time too. Maybe you guys can somehow bond more deeply through this. Either way, there is an ending and it’s hard. feel free to write about it here, as much as you want!
Heidi
Wow! Sounds like he really is ready to leave this earth very soon. It’s going to be a huge shock for your sister to no longer have him to take care of. I know for me, there was so much output taking care of my dog the last few months, that I kind of watched myself finding ways to keep “over” taking care of my mom or the other dogs, because I couldn’t just stop. I’m allowing myself a very slow decline back to a new baseline again.
Oh you are going to miss Bridget. It sounds like she is making a really good decision though. I really hope that wherever you land next, you are valued and appreciated and that you love where you work….AND that you get to stay home!!! That would be amazing!
When is your flight back to the Netherlands again?
Did you decide how you are going to spend your weekend? I hope it warms up enough so you can get out and connect with nature! Maybe go to the dog park and take some pictures!!!
Heidi
Oh what a beautiful story about Windy! That must have made your heart burst with love and connection to see her that way! How special! That really made me smile.
I’m happy to remind you as many times as you need, that being the best version of yourself is also honoring 🙂 I hope it is able to relieve some of the guilt you carry.
Totally understand now what you meant about the guy asking for exclusivity. Makes sense!
Glad the cookies turned out great! I’m going to make some chocolate chips ones tomorrow. I also am housebound as a cold front came in and it’s -17F. In the 10 years I’ve lived here, it’s never been that cold. A bit tough with the dogs. It is taking several times of running out really fast and back in before they get all emptied out. Their paws end up hurting after about a minute. So housebound we are for a couple of days. It’s cozy actually. I know you love your house, so I’m hoping you are soaking it all in and filling up before you have to head back.
Heidi
I love your horse stories! Share as many funny memories you have with them, as you want! How fun. You really were involved with them. I know once kids come into the picture, everything changes…as it should. I would love it if you somehow were able to start riding again and bonding with a new horse. Such powerful and etheric beings! When my first dog passed, I was house/dog sitting at a ranch and the neighbor was out riding (she competes in reigning) and she asked if I wanted to go for a ride. I said sure. She had never done that before, so I thought it was strange. My do had passed the day before and I wasn’t eating and I was just seriously depressed. She knew that and was trying to help. After the ride (maybe 30 minutes) I walked into the house and I all of a sudden had an appetite and I felt like I had shifted into being functional again. That horse energy had helped me soooooo much. I was being “worked on” while riding that special being. What a gift! I will never forget that!
How do I honor my parents and be there for them and yet keep my mental health and not get drawn into their dis-functionality? I remember you saying this before. It seems you have this story in your mind about what it means to “honor” your parents. Do you really think that it’s honoring your parents to be involved in their mess and abuse? You actually believe that God is saying “You should honor your parents even though they are abusive and critical to you and they steal away your joy??” If that’s the God you believe in, then you are believing in a God who is not loving and caring to ALL his beings. Scripture is debatable, not literal. I’m sure with all you have studied, you have come across SEVERAL interpretations to even just 1 word. What does it mean to “honor” your parents? You could believe it means exactly what you think – take care of them in need – OR it could mean honor your parents by being the best version of yourself possible. Isn’t that honoring too? Being the best version of yourself means NOT being around them because they bring out the worst in you AND you around enabling and supporting them in being in their dysfunctional patterns….so is that honoring to bring out the worst in them and you??? Rhonda…you have been carrying around this guilt for a long time and you are using this verse to support why you should feel guilty instead of working with your guilt and letting your heart be free of it. Are you willing to let it go yet? That guilt is destructive to your spirit and impacts you in ways you are not even aware of.
I’ll date several men until one asks for an exclusive relationship. What??? You are just going to wait and see who asks for exclusivity? That is a statement of woman who is giving away her power to the man. Maybe you didn’t mean it that way. I don’t know, but I would rather hear you saying “I’ll keep dating until I find a man who inspires the best in me and meets my standards.”
I’m so glad you got to make your cookies. How did they turn out? It sounds like she is a good person to give you some inside scoop about these guys. A good person to know!!!!
Heidi
What a sweet story about your dog. They DO let us know, don’t they? I’m glad you were listening and able to fully receive him in your home. How long did you get to have him? How did your horse come into your life?
Shumba, my dog who just crossed over, was a blessing in disguise. The owner at the time was a client of mine (in the gym). She was a therapist and energy healer and she had worked on my previous dog a few times at the very end, helping her release any energies keeping her sick. Then she died. My client suggested that I come over whenever I wanted and walk Shumba, as I was really needing dog energy. I normally don’t do things like that, but something in me said yes. So I would go over about once a week and Shumba and I would go on a walk. Then it turned into me taking him every weekend from Friday to Sunday. We would go everywhere together into the mountains and go on hikes. The owner said that every time I left, he would pout and every time Friday would come around, he would know and wait for me by the door. One time when I walked into the house, he jumped up and put his front paws on my shoulders and tried to pull me to him – like he was giving me a hug. It was so amazing!
They rescued him in Africa. They were living in Zimbabwe and the mom was going to come back to Boulder while the dad stayed – so they rescued Shumba from a pretty horrible place and Shumba became the dad’s dog and stayed in Africa. Then they shipped Shumba to Boulder after about 5 years since the dad was starting to move countries again for work. The dad would come home to Boulder every 4-5 months and Shumba would be elated. Well…one time when I brought Shumba back, the dad was there to greet us. Shumba went up to him and was a little excited, but then just came right back to me. We all went into the house and talked a bit and Shumba ended up laying down, being very quiet and pouting. The father said “Wow, you really exercised him. He is really tired right now.” I knew he wasn’t. I knew Shumba was pouting. The mom, being the very bold person she is, said “No, he is pouting and doesn’t want Heidi to leave.” That week while the father was home, Shumba didn’t sleep with him or really interact with him very much – which was very unusual. The mom knew Shumba had bonded to me.
Shumba was the kind of dog that needed 1 person to invest in. First, it was the dad, then it was their daughter. The daughter had moved to Washington D.C. for a new job, a few months before I came into the picture, and she didn’t take Shumba. So he was “personless.” The mom saw what was happening and talked to her family about giving him to me. The mom was home alone with her own dog, 2 horses and 3 cats, so I think offering Shumba to me, was more of a relief for her. So about 3 months after my first dog passed, Shumba officially became mine. My first dog was not a very affectionate or connective dog. I had her 16 years and was used to her always being around me, but not letting me pet her for very long. We kind of lived parallel lives. Then Shumba came into the picture and showed me a VERY different experience. He was all about love and connection and it was hard at first. It was soooooo much love coming at me, that I couldn’t quite take it in. I had to create some distance sometimes until I got “used to it.” I think that is the greatest gift Shumba ever gave me. He expanded my ability to give and receive love. Our love felt limitless. Our bond was constant and I felt him with me ALL THE TIME even when we were apart. He was an amazing and transformative relationship. I had more “perfect” moments with him, hiking and being in nature and being so filled up with love and peace, that I never felt like I needed anything more in my life. What a gift. His absence leaves a giant hole in my life. It’s hard to imagine having another dog. I’m not open to it yet, but I know at some point I will be. I just need time to re-calibrate and heal. Thank you for holding space for my story. That felt good to write all of this out.
I guess I feel I owe her as she took care of our parents by herself. You don’t owe her anything. That was HER choice. No one is obligated to take care of anyone. If your sister didn’t do it, then somehow, some way, your parents would have been taken care of. If you want to fly your sister out, only do it because you WANT to, not because you feel “obligated.” That’s a story full of lies that you are investing in. You sister, and your parents, and most people for that matter, CHOOSE to be miserable in their adult lives. When you grow up feeling that way, an addiction/way of life gets established and that misery allows them to stay a victim. Your sister gets to feel like she gets to be the martyr by being the “good” daughter which continues to source her misery. That’s HER choice and nothing you need to feel like you should rescue her from or feel obligated to help her fly out. That is you taking on HER life choices and joining her in supporting that story. Let it go. Let go of any guilt that you didn’t participate. Let go of any shame that you weren’t there for your parents or sister. Let go of any obligation that you should have done or been more for all of them. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s something you want to work on, so you don’t carry that energy around with you.
Your night out sounds like it was just what you needed. You got filled up with connection and new conversations and new people and old friends. I know how lonely you have been feeling…for a long time. I hope you had fun at the concert as well. Any potential love interests? I hope you get to make your cookies!!! I still just don’t have the energy, but I have the recipe now, so I will give it a try at some point.
I really love all the nourishment you are getting while home. I hope something shows up for you where you get to stay home. I know how much happier you will be.
Heidi
Hi Jalyn
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How is it going with your guy? Have you figured out a way to connect better with him? Any new developments?
Heidi
Tell me about your dog and your horse! Our pets are incredibly special and unique as they are the only beings who are able to offer us unconditional love. It’s so special. The love I had and have with Shumba felt limitless, transformative and healing. Yes, I’ll get another dog. It needs to be quite a special dog considering I do so much dog sitting…so we shall see. My first dog found me and Shumba also found me. I wasn’t looking for a dog either time, but they both ended up in my life somehow. So I’m just going to wait and see what happens. I’m not really ready to “look” right now. The amount of output and lack of sleep the past 3 months pushed me beyond every limit I ever thought I had, so I feel like I just want to recover for a bit. I’m dog sitting until the new year and then I’ll have a month to just take care of myself and take a breath. I trust the process and I have no doubt the next dog will show up when the timing is right.
Your dad has had a tough life. It always makes me sad when people choose not to face the trauma and not to heal. They end up like your dad, miserablee forever. Their past constantly is keeping them in fight or flight mode…and it doesn’t have to be that way. The healing path is tough and scary though…it’s not for everyone. My father recently passed as well. I hadn’t talked to him in over 20 years. I did cry. I was kind of surprised by that, but there is just something that happens, deep inside, when your parent leaves this earth – even if you aren’t close.
Wow. Your sis is tiny. She sounds quite miserable too. Is she coming to visit when you go see your cousin?
I’m glad you are taking a step back from Dave. I hope you have some fun at the singles event and spread your beautiful light all around. Whether you meet a potential date or not, you will have shared your light with everyone!
Heidi
I’m okay. Grieving a lot, as expected. There is a HUGE void and emptiness that he filled and it’s going to take time to adjust to him being in spirit form now. I know he is still with me though. I know he is happy and free and not longer having to deal with physical pain and exhaustion. My mom is slowly recovering. She is doing better each day, although it’s still sometimes really hard. She is living with me right now since I don’t have stairs and it’s a blessing. I don’t have to come home to an empty space, so I get a little “adjustment” period to the idea of Shumba no longer being here. Diving timing for sure.
But just makes me feel again that I’m not and never was, part of the family. I get it. I never felt part of my family either. I know MANY people who feel like they never belonged to their family. Many of those people are actually my closest friends….LOL. So we create our own family…a family of people who support, love and honor each other no matter what. That’s the REAL meaning of family and that has nothing to do with blood. Regardless, there still is a lot to process when you don’t feel part of your blood family. It’s hard to feel like you don’t “belong.” The gift is learning that you are more than their opinion of you. You are soooooo much more than your family. Although they are not able to connect into your beauty and light and see the value you bring into this world, you are still ALL of those things…and more. It’s about knowing and seeing that about yourself, even though your “family” doesn’t agree. That is about THEIR limitation and not yours.
How are you feeling about your father being at the end? I imagine it was quite hard to see him so fragile. How are you processing all of this?
It’s your birthday!!!! Is it today??? The 16th? What age are you turning? I LOVE that you are getting a massage. It also sounds like you have some wonderful things planned for the week. I hope you have some much needed fun!!! What are your plans for Christmas?
Do you think it would still be ok for me to ask him to take me to the airport in Jan? Nope. I suggest taking a step back and allowing him the room to initiate. Regardless of all of his efforts, he isn’t following through. So far, it’s only been you initiating and him responding. I would suggest taking a step back and seeing what he does. He might be nervous or afraid, but he needs to be able to step past that and not need YOU to keep things going. So again, stop texting and initiating with him and see what he does. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Shannon,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I know your are dealing with big heartbreak right now. What are you doing to support yourself? What are you doing to nourish yourself?
Feel free to come here and vent, ask questions or just free write and let your emotions and thoughts flow. That can be really helpful and I am more than happy just to hold the space for you to release.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Thank you for your prayers. It’s been a rough few days as I said goodbye to my beloved Shumba on Saturday evening. He told me in his own way Saturday morning that the pain was getting hard to deal with. It was sooooo incredibly hard as he still had so much engagement in life. His life force was still very strong – but regardless, I love him too much to make him continue to be in that kind of pain, especially knowing it was only going to get worse. My mom is doing a little better each day. So although it’s an incredibly tough season for me, it’s all going to be okay.
I’m not surprised your visit to your sister’s was a mess. That was to be expected. Considering who she is, as well as your father, I imagine that’s just how it’s always going to be. I’m glad you are back home safe though. Now you get to have a few weeks enjoying your home, yes? Anything else planned?
What do you like about Dave? I know it’s only been a few hours that you’ve spend with him, but how did that go? Is he easy to talk with? It doesn’t sound like he is making much effort to see you again before you leave or to keep in contact. Do you feel that might be his personality type or do you possibly think he isn’t that interested? Not sure what kind of vibe you got from him when you met in person.
I can’t believe Christmas is only a week away. This season has gone by so incredibly fast. I hope you are just filling up your soul with the beauty of nature and all the lights!
Heidi
My apologies Shannon, I must have missed where you said that you were seeing a counselor. I know you suggested seeing one with him, but I didn’t see where you talked about having your own help. This is great! Have you talked about what happened for you in that moment and what caused you to treat him so poorly?
(apparently this took him by surprise) I tried to talk to him and tried to warn him but he was oblivious (and I was actually pretty clear) however the pain this caused him was enough to change him a bit. Here is the thing Shannon – There must have been more deep-rooted issues going on for you guys that caused your connection to be challenged and unsustainable. For him to be “oblivious” after you felt like you warned him and were very clear about how this wasn’t working for you – that just tells me he probably wasn’t a guy who really connected to how his behaviors were affecting you…and that honestly is a pretty big red flag as a trait that will ultimately destroy the connection. You guys had problems, like all couples, but what makes couples last and work or not work are HOW the couple navigates those challenges. Let me ask you this…is he the kind of guy who takes ownership of his mistakes? Is he the type of guy who will take his own initiative to learn and become a better partner? Has he ever read self-help books or created any kind of accountability with friends, family or anybody to help him navigate his life and his triggers? You have a therapist, so you have accountability, you are hopefully really working deeply with your own triggers and you are learning along the way about how to be a better partner for him. Yes, you had a moment where you really hurt him AND if that is not a pattern and a “one-off” kind of thing – mostly likely due to your hormones – then wouldn’t you say that’s forgivable? This wall he has put up is his coping mechanism. Fine…he can put that wall up for a bit, but what is he doing to deal with the hurt? My guess is, he is just blaming you for this wall going (when it’s actually HIS choice) and he is going to stew about it for a while but sadly will never confront his triggers that caused the wall to go up the way it did. This means he is not doing the work to learn how to forgive and release your humanness that ended up really hurting him. He would rather give up and let the wall stay there instead of attacking it head-on, work with you and a counselor, and work with you to improve the connection. That wall he put up will be there forever now and it will affect every aspect of his life. He most likely has a million walls from his previous hurts – hence carrying a lot of baggage which will always impact how well he shows up as a partner to go through life with.
I shouldn’t have just left and should have bugged him more to go see a counsellor but I didn’t. The real truth is, regardless of what you did and did not do, you would have ended up here eventually. It’s not YOUR job to “bug” him to go see a counselor. He needs to have something within him that naturally wants to fight for his life. If you have to “bug” for your partner to gain more clarity and face his baggage, then that is just showing you an underlying dysfunction that will eventually sabotage the quality of the love and lead to a breakup. You reached your breaking point and decided to end things. Has he ever once really looked as his actions and behaviors that lead you to that point? Has he ever asked, how can I be better? How did I contribute to this? What am I doing that caused the person that I love, to want to separate from me? These are the kinds of questions a person will ask themselves, that has the skillset and ability to support and sustain a love that is healthy and nourishing and growing. It sounds like this guy has some qualities that will eventually sabotage love – and that has nothing to do with you.
Of course you are crying and hurting like crazy. He was a part of every cell in your being. He was woven into each part of every single day – and now you have lost that. That kind of loss can take your breath away and trying to figure you how to create a new kind of life is beyond challenging. I know you want him, but how he handles stress and challenge is not going to change, so the odds of you ending up right back here are very high. You need a PARTNER – a teammate – who works WITH you, listens to you and is willing to fight for his connection with you. This guy isn’t that person. I’m so so so sorry. Your tears honor him and the goodness that you guys created together.
Here is a tedx talk that may be helpful: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
