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Hi Jalyn
I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. How is it going with your guy? Have you figured out a way to connect better with him? Any new developments?
Heidi
Tell me about your dog and your horse! Our pets are incredibly special and unique as they are the only beings who are able to offer us unconditional love. It’s so special. The love I had and have with Shumba felt limitless, transformative and healing. Yes, I’ll get another dog. It needs to be quite a special dog considering I do so much dog sitting…so we shall see. My first dog found me and Shumba also found me. I wasn’t looking for a dog either time, but they both ended up in my life somehow. So I’m just going to wait and see what happens. I’m not really ready to “look” right now. The amount of output and lack of sleep the past 3 months pushed me beyond every limit I ever thought I had, so I feel like I just want to recover for a bit. I’m dog sitting until the new year and then I’ll have a month to just take care of myself and take a breath. I trust the process and I have no doubt the next dog will show up when the timing is right.
Your dad has had a tough life. It always makes me sad when people choose not to face the trauma and not to heal. They end up like your dad, miserablee forever. Their past constantly is keeping them in fight or flight mode…and it doesn’t have to be that way. The healing path is tough and scary though…it’s not for everyone. My father recently passed as well. I hadn’t talked to him in over 20 years. I did cry. I was kind of surprised by that, but there is just something that happens, deep inside, when your parent leaves this earth – even if you aren’t close.
Wow. Your sis is tiny. She sounds quite miserable too. Is she coming to visit when you go see your cousin?
I’m glad you are taking a step back from Dave. I hope you have some fun at the singles event and spread your beautiful light all around. Whether you meet a potential date or not, you will have shared your light with everyone!
Heidi
I’m okay. Grieving a lot, as expected. There is a HUGE void and emptiness that he filled and it’s going to take time to adjust to him being in spirit form now. I know he is still with me though. I know he is happy and free and not longer having to deal with physical pain and exhaustion. My mom is slowly recovering. She is doing better each day, although it’s still sometimes really hard. She is living with me right now since I don’t have stairs and it’s a blessing. I don’t have to come home to an empty space, so I get a little “adjustment” period to the idea of Shumba no longer being here. Diving timing for sure.
But just makes me feel again that I’m not and never was, part of the family. I get it. I never felt part of my family either. I know MANY people who feel like they never belonged to their family. Many of those people are actually my closest friends….LOL. So we create our own family…a family of people who support, love and honor each other no matter what. That’s the REAL meaning of family and that has nothing to do with blood. Regardless, there still is a lot to process when you don’t feel part of your blood family. It’s hard to feel like you don’t “belong.” The gift is learning that you are more than their opinion of you. You are soooooo much more than your family. Although they are not able to connect into your beauty and light and see the value you bring into this world, you are still ALL of those things…and more. It’s about knowing and seeing that about yourself, even though your “family” doesn’t agree. That is about THEIR limitation and not yours.
How are you feeling about your father being at the end? I imagine it was quite hard to see him so fragile. How are you processing all of this?
It’s your birthday!!!! Is it today??? The 16th? What age are you turning? I LOVE that you are getting a massage. It also sounds like you have some wonderful things planned for the week. I hope you have some much needed fun!!! What are your plans for Christmas?
Do you think it would still be ok for me to ask him to take me to the airport in Jan? Nope. I suggest taking a step back and allowing him the room to initiate. Regardless of all of his efforts, he isn’t following through. So far, it’s only been you initiating and him responding. I would suggest taking a step back and seeing what he does. He might be nervous or afraid, but he needs to be able to step past that and not need YOU to keep things going. So again, stop texting and initiating with him and see what he does. Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Shannon,
I just wanted to check in and see how you were doing. I know your are dealing with big heartbreak right now. What are you doing to support yourself? What are you doing to nourish yourself?
Feel free to come here and vent, ask questions or just free write and let your emotions and thoughts flow. That can be really helpful and I am more than happy just to hold the space for you to release.
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
Thank you for your prayers. It’s been a rough few days as I said goodbye to my beloved Shumba on Saturday evening. He told me in his own way Saturday morning that the pain was getting hard to deal with. It was sooooo incredibly hard as he still had so much engagement in life. His life force was still very strong – but regardless, I love him too much to make him continue to be in that kind of pain, especially knowing it was only going to get worse. My mom is doing a little better each day. So although it’s an incredibly tough season for me, it’s all going to be okay.
I’m not surprised your visit to your sister’s was a mess. That was to be expected. Considering who she is, as well as your father, I imagine that’s just how it’s always going to be. I’m glad you are back home safe though. Now you get to have a few weeks enjoying your home, yes? Anything else planned?
What do you like about Dave? I know it’s only been a few hours that you’ve spend with him, but how did that go? Is he easy to talk with? It doesn’t sound like he is making much effort to see you again before you leave or to keep in contact. Do you feel that might be his personality type or do you possibly think he isn’t that interested? Not sure what kind of vibe you got from him when you met in person.
I can’t believe Christmas is only a week away. This season has gone by so incredibly fast. I hope you are just filling up your soul with the beauty of nature and all the lights!
Heidi
My apologies Shannon, I must have missed where you said that you were seeing a counselor. I know you suggested seeing one with him, but I didn’t see where you talked about having your own help. This is great! Have you talked about what happened for you in that moment and what caused you to treat him so poorly?
(apparently this took him by surprise) I tried to talk to him and tried to warn him but he was oblivious (and I was actually pretty clear) however the pain this caused him was enough to change him a bit. Here is the thing Shannon – There must have been more deep-rooted issues going on for you guys that caused your connection to be challenged and unsustainable. For him to be “oblivious” after you felt like you warned him and were very clear about how this wasn’t working for you – that just tells me he probably wasn’t a guy who really connected to how his behaviors were affecting you…and that honestly is a pretty big red flag as a trait that will ultimately destroy the connection. You guys had problems, like all couples, but what makes couples last and work or not work are HOW the couple navigates those challenges. Let me ask you this…is he the kind of guy who takes ownership of his mistakes? Is he the type of guy who will take his own initiative to learn and become a better partner? Has he ever read self-help books or created any kind of accountability with friends, family or anybody to help him navigate his life and his triggers? You have a therapist, so you have accountability, you are hopefully really working deeply with your own triggers and you are learning along the way about how to be a better partner for him. Yes, you had a moment where you really hurt him AND if that is not a pattern and a “one-off” kind of thing – mostly likely due to your hormones – then wouldn’t you say that’s forgivable? This wall he has put up is his coping mechanism. Fine…he can put that wall up for a bit, but what is he doing to deal with the hurt? My guess is, he is just blaming you for this wall going (when it’s actually HIS choice) and he is going to stew about it for a while but sadly will never confront his triggers that caused the wall to go up the way it did. This means he is not doing the work to learn how to forgive and release your humanness that ended up really hurting him. He would rather give up and let the wall stay there instead of attacking it head-on, work with you and a counselor, and work with you to improve the connection. That wall he put up will be there forever now and it will affect every aspect of his life. He most likely has a million walls from his previous hurts – hence carrying a lot of baggage which will always impact how well he shows up as a partner to go through life with.
I shouldn’t have just left and should have bugged him more to go see a counsellor but I didn’t. The real truth is, regardless of what you did and did not do, you would have ended up here eventually. It’s not YOUR job to “bug” him to go see a counselor. He needs to have something within him that naturally wants to fight for his life. If you have to “bug” for your partner to gain more clarity and face his baggage, then that is just showing you an underlying dysfunction that will eventually sabotage the quality of the love and lead to a breakup. You reached your breaking point and decided to end things. Has he ever once really looked as his actions and behaviors that lead you to that point? Has he ever asked, how can I be better? How did I contribute to this? What am I doing that caused the person that I love, to want to separate from me? These are the kinds of questions a person will ask themselves, that has the skillset and ability to support and sustain a love that is healthy and nourishing and growing. It sounds like this guy has some qualities that will eventually sabotage love – and that has nothing to do with you.
Of course you are crying and hurting like crazy. He was a part of every cell in your being. He was woven into each part of every single day – and now you have lost that. That kind of loss can take your breath away and trying to figure you how to create a new kind of life is beyond challenging. I know you want him, but how he handles stress and challenge is not going to change, so the odds of you ending up right back here are very high. You need a PARTNER – a teammate – who works WITH you, listens to you and is willing to fight for his connection with you. This guy isn’t that person. I’m so so so sorry. Your tears honor him and the goodness that you guys created together.
Here is a tedx talk that may be helpful: https://youtu.be/k0GQSJrpVhM
I understand you are trying to figure out what’s going on with your body. It’s tough isn’t it? Regardless of hormones, learning how to manage your emotions when they DO come up, is important, so you don’t cause harm to anyone.
Why not go to counseling on your own? This would be a great way to show him that you actually do want to become a better partner, not just through words, but through actions. Is that something you are willing to do?
The thing is, I imagine he does not want to come back just to enter back into old patterns. So instead of focusing on getting him back right now, what if you focused on switching how you relate to him? Focus on how you communicate. Focus on being the kind of partner you want to be for him and start practicing what that would look like. Let him experience you differently vs. focusing on just getting him back. This is how trust can be built back up again. Give it some time.
What kinds of conversations are you having right now? What is your connection like currently?
Heidi
Oh you are off to your sisters??? I’m so sorry. I know how hard that is for you. Your place sounds wonderful and it sounds like you are really filling up your heart with the warmth and love your home has to offer you. When do you head back to Holland?
I’m so glad you had a good interview. With the project being sooooo huge, I imagine the odds of you working with them are pretty high. I guess you will know in time.
Yay!!! You had some fun with Dave. It sounds like it was a good date. When are you seeing each other again? Are you attracted to him? It sounds like he has a lot of qualities you are looking for, but I’m not sensing much chemistry. You do have a lot going on right now, so it’s probably pretty hard to know how you feel. I suppose there is enough there to at least have a 2nd date.
I hope you guys are able to decorate your cookies and that they turn out well. Most of Christmas is not gonna happen for me this year. I found out last week my pup has bone cancer. He doesn’t have much longer to live and taking care of him right now is a full time job since he isn’t able to walk. His spirits are high and he is still very engaged in life, but his body is taking him down a different path. Plus my mom just had a knee replacement surgery, so she is sleeping in my bed because my place has no stairs. Her place has 2 flights of stairs, so….my plate is full right now. No energy to do or make anything other than what has to be done. It’s an extremely hard time for me. I’m so sad, but I know this is just part of life. I love my dog intensely and every minute I get to have him, I’m so grateful. I would love your prayers as I navigate this season 🙂
Safe travels and I will be sending you a lot of prayers as you navigate these next few days as well. One day at a time.
Heidi
Thanks for sharing more details.
My first question is, how many times have you treated him this way when you were upset? Typically, this kind of “confrontation pattern” starts from a very young age. I imagine this is not the first time you have treated someone this way. Reading books is a good start, but the truth is, you most likely are carrying quite a bit of unresolved hurt/pain and you end up lashing out and criticizing. Have you been treated like this when you were younger or role modeled this type of behavior? Have you ever tried going to therapy yourself?
Reading books and following steps is a start, but it does not deal with the core/underlying issue as to why you are treating someone this way and sabotaging the connection. If you truly want to shift that behavior, it’s about tapping into your anger/hurt that you are carrying and working with it, releasing it and THEN building new habits along the way.
I imagine with you ending things and him being surprised by this, he has some anger/hurt/resentment he needs to work with within himself too. Sometimes, when the woman really takes the initiative and gets help and starts to shift her behavior, the man will follow. So saying sorry is not enough, but taking ACTION beyond following some guidelines – of which it doesn’t sound like it worked really well – may be the impetus to really shift how you guys connect. It may take a while for him to want to open up to you again, but regardless, when you start to work with yourself more deeply, you can only benefit.
There is no quick fix to this, but you can at least start the wheels turning by saying something like “I understand that you shifted after I ended things. No matter how much I love you, I really am seeing that’s not enough. When I am hurt or angry, I hurt you, I hurt myself, I hurt our relationship and I become someone I do not like – and I really want to change that. I am going to get some help and work on my anger and learn new ways to manage my emotions. You do not deserve to be treated with criticism and for me to belittle you. I understand you don’t feel safe with me and I hope to repair that. Either way, I need to be a better partner – I hope in my journey we are able to come back together and have a better experience.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
Red flags are relative to you personally. Of course there are those basic red flags for everyone – like abuse of any kind or someone who is demeaning and destructive. Then there are those red flags that are personal. I call it the non-negotiable list. Like I said, I HAVE TO HAVE romance and if a guy can’t offer me that, that’s a red flag and deal breaker, but for another woman, it isn’t. This is where you have to really get to know yourself, establish your core values and really start to understand what your non-negotiables are. What is it that you CANNOT live without in a relationship? This is a question you have to spend some time with, experiment with, explore it – and it changes as you get older as well. So think about your life first…what do you NEED in order for you to stay balanced in your life? How do you NEED to be treated as well?
Heidi
I love that you are enjoying those majestic mountains and animals!!! Soak it in!
I’m sorry your friend didn’t show up for cookies. I hope you still made them and found a way to enjoy the process. I’ve done cookies alone and I put on music or a Christmas movie and enjoy myself.
So how did it go with Dave? It’s okay that there is no spark with Dean. It is what it is.
What a bummer about all of those apartments. Maybe you will get to meet some new people!
It sounds like your sister really is struggling. It’s sad they made the decision they did and now they are having to deal with those consequences. I’m sure they will figure it out somehow!
Heidi
Hi Shannon,
Welcome to the forum. Happy birthday! I hope you figured out a way to celebrate this very special day with people you love. I’m so sorry you are not with him the way you wanted to be. It sounds like you really care about him and I know your heart is breaking not getting to be with him.
It’s hard to offer guidance without understanding the dynamics that exist between you guys. How long have you guys been together? It sounds like there has been some deep hurt occur between you guys. Have you guys ever tried to work with a specialist together? Or go through a relationship program together? Or read a book together? It sounds like whatever baggage you guys are dealing with, maybe communication isn’t so good?
The things is…apologies are nice, but they don’t really matter if there is no ACTION behind that apology. I know you are sorry, but what are you DOING to learn how to improve your behavior and become a better partner?
What happened between you guys? What was the argument about? How did you behave poorly?
Heidi
That I have put myself out there and if he wants things to be different or work through this it’s up to him to vocalize that and communicate with me. 100% true. You have done the majority of the hard work to keep that relationship going by trying to become more and more healthy. If he wants to connect again, HE is going to have to do some work as well. That’s about creating a space for him to be grown up and use his words directly and clearly, instead of these wishy washy attempts…which is what this attempt is from him. He made a statement “hope you are doing well” instead of actually asking a question to create a conversation. He needs to be saying “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you and all that you are going through. Are you doing okay?” That’s a conversation starter – NOT what he said. His approach of “poking you” and hoping you will respond and take the lead…well that’s the pattern you guys have.
Thoughts on me responding? I know you want to respond so badly! I suggest not. There is nothing to respond to. He didn’t ask a question, he didn’t try to engage you in any particular way…he just made a statement and it truly was a very poor effort to connect. Do not reward him by responding to his weak attempt. These are my thoughts, but of course you can do whatever you want. Whether you respond or don’t respond, you will learn new things about yourself and him.
Yes, I know she had knee surgery, but I’m glad she responded and will reach out again when she is ready. She is worth the wait!
Heidi
I have an interview Tuesday with the director of projects here in Calgary. Pretty excited. This is incredible! I really hope it all works out for you and that you finally end up working with people you actually enjoy. I would love for you to get to stay home, so I’m totally rooting for you! I can’t wait to hear how it goes!
You have a date with a guy who ghosted you???? Now I’m curious. Do you remember actually liking him? I think either way, going on a date will feel really good for you. I’m so curious to hear how it turns out.
Seems like he doesn’t want to meet while I’m home but then he turns around asks me to tag along on a long trip. Don’t get it. Does it really matter? You aren’t interested in him anyways, right? Doesn’t he drink too much for your comfort level?
I totally get your attachment to your car. I have a strong attachment to my car as well. I drive somewhere around 30,000 per year, so I’m in my car a TON!!!! Like you, TONS of exploring with all the pups.
I’m so glad to hear that things are going well on your trip so far. I know how badly you needed this!
Heidi
What is stopping you from telling him now? You both know this is what needs to happen, yet no one is really taking action. Are you willing to commit to say goodbye completely and cut off all contact? If yes, when will you tell him?
What is your choice with this new guy? Are you going to keep hanging on and wait to see what happens or move on?
Heidi
