[Heidi G]

I’m so glad you are able to connect into the gift of the experiences you have been able to have over there, regardless of the struggle. That is your beautiful ability to find the light in everything!!! So what is the official decision? Are you going global? Will you get to work from home or do you have to go into an office?

It’s not so much me trynig to hide things about me as me trying to figure out how to please someone. This is the same exact thing. Even though your attention is focused on what makes THEM happy, you are subconsciously hiding yourself and taking yourself out of the equation, because your mother taught you that you were not good enough. With that belief system running deep within your cells, it would be natural to hide and put your focus on them – that is the safest. So regardless, when you are shining the light on someone else’s needs without your needs, feelings, thoughts etc. being part of the equation, you are not being authentic and you are hiding parts of yourself. I know you believe consciously that you are a good catch and that’s how you should feel! AND…there are still parts of you connected to your mom’s programming that are influencing how you date.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

You don’t have to date to start to develop your emotional intelligence. I developed my skills by practicing on EVERYONE. My family, new friends, old friends, co-workers…anyone I came in contact with, I started practicing my questions, paying attention to my intuition, developing my communication skills etc. And dating can just be a way for you to get to know yourself. It doesn’t have to be about finding a partner. If there is a certain skill you want to practice or develop, then dating is a GREAT platform to do that! It’s how I became a very effective communicator, it’s how I developed my intuition and it’s how I got to know my own fears, limitations and my deeper views on love and men. So the first thing I would suggest is to take the pressure off of dating to “find” someone. Be casual and have some fun getting to know yourself in different ways. I have gone on dates with almost every culture, every shape and size, every level of socio-economic status, from ugly to drop-dead gorgeous. I “traveled around the world” to discover myself – as each kind of guy brought something different out in me – or didn’t. I know that probably sounds exhausting and of course, I’m not suggesting you take the path I did. I’m just suggesting to find another purpose in dating other than finding a partner.

Non-negotiables are tough to figure out, as it’s quite the journey inward. I began developing my non-negotiables in my early 20s (I’m 48 now) and it’s changed, as I have changed. However, some aspects have always stayed the same. Dating is how I would test my non-negotiables. When you think about these, you have to REALLY feel into it. Meaning, if you have a list of 10 non-negotiables and you meet a guy who has 9, is that 10th non-negotiable really non-negotiable? Would you be willing to walk away from that guy? Because non-negotiables represent the qualities you CANNOT live without. Meaning, if these qualities do not exist, then there is NO WAY you will be able to sustain a relationship with this person, because your soul will start to die from starvation. There is NO negotiating away your non-negotiables.

So here are a few of mine:
1. Romance: my soul will absolutely starve to death without romance / passion. Romance makes the love feel alive and vibrant. Romance to me, is when a guy expresses how he feels towards me in various creative ways.
2. High emotional intelligence: I have very high emotional intelligence which allows me to know my partner very well. I can see and feel the depths of who he is. If a guy does not have high emotional intelligence, there is no way he will ever be able to know the depths of who I am and I will end up feeling very lonely.
3. Active: My favorite way to play is by being active. Hiking, a bike ride, long walks, sports, the gym etc. I NEED to be outside using my body somehow. Having a partner who feels the same way is important. Playing in similar ways is a way to bond and deepen the connection. I will never be able to truly bond with a guy who doesn’t need to use his body in the same way. I dated a concert/theatre guy once. It was fun for a while and I could join him on his version of playing, but he was soooo uncoordinated and uncomfortable using his body physically, that it just created a big barrier between us. I couldn’t enjoy him.
4. Spiritual: this is quite a broad category and I have specific things I look for, that I won’t go into here. I have to be with a guy who has a spiritual journey that is similar enough to mine, that we are able to grow and learn together, and have a similar language and approach to our spiritual path. There needs to be a like-mindedness – not exactly, but close enough that we are able to compliment each other as well as challenge each other. It’s such a big part of my exploration in life, if a guy is going to be my best friend, this is an area I need him to be excited about, interested in and participates in.

Does this help you understand a little more about non-negotiables?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Deborah,

Welcome!!! Wow…what a rollercoaster ride you have been on. It sounds like a crazy strong connection between you guys, but as you are experiencing, it’s bumping up against his fears and limitations that are preventing him from wanting to fully step into an experience with you. I know how confusing it can be to have such a strong connection with someone and have them build it up and then tear it down – repeatedly.

I just don’t know how to walk away and be less than the close level of friendship we developed. There is no “how to” walk away. It’s simply – walk away. The reason you are not able to, is because the connection you feel is stronger to him than it is to yourself. He is not emotionally available for you and not able to offer you what you want. That’s evident. However, I know the feelings and chemistry are so incredibly strong, it’s like a drug. Once you have felt the effects, it feels impossible to let it go because it feels so good – hence you choosing a very unpredictable and unstable connection over choosing self-love. I’m glad you are in therapy, because it will allow you to explore what is happening within you, which makes you want to stay connected to someone who is unavailable for you. One question to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS keep in mind, as you are getting to know someone is this: Is connecting / loving this person, a loving thing for myself? Sooooooo many people love and connect with a romantic partner that is challenging, toxic or not available for a deep journey – therefore making the connection more valuable than their own heart. So experiences like yours can be a VERY important path of self-discovery that can lead to healing and strengthening your standards and requirements and self-love.

I do care about him, and I’ve never met anyone who makes me laugh (or turns me on) like he does. The “first” is always tough. I hear it A LOT where woman say “I’ve never felt or had……with anyone before.” It’s not uncommon to feel like a guy is “the one” or something of that nature when he is able to make you feel ways that you have never felt before. The thing is, what he is making you feel should be common and expected. Imagine if the majority of guys you dated made you laugh and turned you on? Would this guy really be THAT special to you? You have a whole host of other needs, that are JUST AS IMPORTANT, that he is NOT meeting. Just because he is able to make you feel those things DOES NOT qualify him to be able to carefully and respectfully hold your heart. Dating is like a job interview…your heart is the job and you are the CEO. When you go on a date, you HAVE to qualify someone to make sure they can even do the job BEFORE you open up to them. Instead, what you did by choosing this guy, is you enjoyed his company, you enjoyed the “interview” and how he made you feel, but you didn’t actually require any REAL job experience or skills. You like him, so you handed over your very sacred, special, valuable heart. And that’s okay!!!! I’ve done that many times and learned a lot about myself. It’s how we figure out how to better take care of ourselves and love ourselves.

So your job in therapy, is to strengthen your self-love. When your self-love is really strong, then it’s a very natural thing to want to protect your heart and be discerning. It’s a process and takes a while, which is normal, but this is a very important journey you are taking and the gift he has given you, is rejection. I know that sounds awful and how it feels awful – but the gift is knowing your value, choosing yourself and connecting to the amazingness that you are, even when he can’t. A question I always explore with my clients when dealing with rejection is – What are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself? What are you wanting him to fix FOR you?

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

WOWOWOW!!! So it’s official that you are actually leaving!!! You have been waiting for this moment for a long time. How does it feel now that you can actually see an ending. How do you feel about saying goodbye to the Netherlands and all the places you have had adventures?

Maybe that isn’t a good way to put it, but not feeling that need to find out how to convince a man to like me near as much as I used to. Still not all the way there, but moving in that direction.:) That’s the PERFECT way to put it because it’s true. The way to think is instead of saying “I need to act or be or do something specific to get a man’s attention” you say “I am only interested in being an inspiration to a man just by being myself.” God created you exactly as you are INCLUDING all the messy bits. Although we all have judgment and low self-esteem because of those messy bits, it gives each and every one of us to choose a higher vibration kind of love that embraces all of that. You are a shining star Rhonda WITH those messy bits included. The kind of man that will love you and embrace you and see the powerful light that you are will KNOW you are so much more than those messy bits and worth taking a journey with, because you ADD to his life – just by being you. I love that line in Bridget Jone’s Diary where the guy says “I like you….just as you are.” And that’s how we need to feel about ourselves.

So I’m curious…what parts of yourself do you tend to want to “hide” or “mask” that make you think it’s not loveable? Where does your low self-esteem live? What does that part of you say to yourself when you feel like you need to convince a guy to be with you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I imagine you have decided by now, which position you want to take. It sounds like you were leaning towards the global position. Do you get to work from home or will you need to go into an office in Calgary? Would you get to start in March???

Letting the heart lead and the mind support the heart is quite the dance. It’s an exploration within yourself and requires a feeling of inner safety to allow that to happen. The mind has such a high need to control and when there is still a lot of woundedness/hurt hanging out in the emotional body, the mind believes that “control” is the best way to avoid getting hurt again. I hope you start to practice paying attention to where the energy is coming from that is leading you.

As far as Sharon, yes…what Matt was saying is true. I was just saying it’s not the whole story. I know you believe that how you react and communicate can inspire different responses in a man. While that may be true, it is not the whole story either. God is soooooo much bigger than how we communicate. I personally believe that whether I am in my masculine or feminine, the messy parts or the best parts of me….if I am meant to take a journey with a man, it will happen regardless. That’s why I like to invite people to be less attached to doing or saying things “right” to attract a man and instead focus on developing your inner strength and self-esteem to just be authentic.

Hope you are starting to get some better sleep!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Kaydance!

Welcome! We are glad you are here. I just have a few questions so we can better guide you through your situation.

1. How old are you guys?
2. I’m a little confused. You said your “ex” partner, but you said you just moved into a trailer with him. What is your current situation?
3. How can the relationship be unhealthy?
4. What specifically does he want to work on for himself? How does he plan on going about that?
5. The problem is that we are both very young and he wants me to go after his dreams, and he really wants to work on himself. I’m gessing this is a typo, but he wants YOU to go after HIS dreams? Can you clarify this for me?

I really feel that he’s the one for me. I’m going to burst your bubble a bit here. There is no such thing as “THE ONE.” What IS real, is “THE ONE for right now.” There are no guarantees of long term success in a relationship. It takes work, it takes commitment and it takes A LOT of growing in the same direction. Love is NOT enough to make a relationship last and be healthy. It is required, of course, but it is NOT what keeps 2 people together. So “the one” is really only saying that there is a deep love and connection that exists and those 2 people are willing to explore that love and connection and take a journey together. That’s all “the one” is. How long that journey lasts – who knows. I’ve had a handful of deep relationships in my life. Love can die off, we move on and then another love shows up somewhere along the way. Each love is different and brings out a different side in you. Love is like a tree. You are the tree trunk and the branches represent the different loves you will have in your life. One branch can be full of life and leaves and color for a while and then there is an ending and that branch will die off. Then a new branch will grow.

“The one” usually feels like a person who is extra familiar for some reason. Some people believe it’s someone you have had past lives with before and some will say it’s your second half from God. Either way, I know the depth of love feels amazing and wonderful and it sounds like that is what you are experiencing. I wish it were enough though and it just isn’t. How 2 people move through the world, their skills, their mindsets, their direction….all those things influence how that love will either grow or come to an end. Just something to think about.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Thank you for sharing that! We ALL are capable of causing harm like that…to kids, to animals, to our lovers. The biggest mistake people make is believing they are not capable of something – whether it be cheating, being abusive physically or verbally etc…The thing is, we ALL are capable of anything. With just the right mixture of specific kinds of stress, we will act in a way that is surprising and out of control somehow. What’s most important, is to remember what you are capable of, learn what lead to that behavior and what was triggered in you, and work with that energy – and most of all, really connect to what led to that behavior because that energy can show up again and lead you to the same behavior that you don’t want. I’m glad he was able to forgive you and I’m glad you talked about it with him and that you and his grandaughter were able to get past that moment. That’s a tough one!

Dating is tough and can be very confusing for a lot of people. If you think of your heart as the job and every guy you go on a date with is on an interview, then you can proceed with caution, come up with good questions, be very observant and discerning and move forward only when the “job” requirements are met each time. I personally think that is what is missing most in the dating world. People are not interviewing each other to the level that is important – which basically means people are not valuing their hearts ENOUGH to put someone through the appropriate “interview.” If a guy can’t do the job, he can’t do the job…no matter the level of connection or how he makes you feel. It’s simple, but like I said before, not that easy to say no to those overpowering chemicals.

Is there anything specific you would like to learn more about?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jeanne,

There are so many things that influence how a person interacts sexually. Their religious beliefs, their hormones (or lack thereof), fear from a variety of things, nutrition, exercise, personality and soooo much more. I’d like to invite you to start thinking differently. Have you ever considered talking about it either directly or indirectly to gather more information about how he is feeling or what he is thinking? It’s less about you “doing” something to get more intimacy from him and more about finding out what the core issue is for HIM.

Also, if you do talk with him directly about it, make sure you are clear about EXACTLY what you want from him. Instead of saying “I want more intimacy” (way too general), make sure you are specific. “I’d love to cuddle more” or “I really love holding hands” or “Can we have more kissing? I love kissing you.” But again, you have no idea what is causing him to keep you at a distance with physical intimacy, so I suggest starting to ask some questions about it. I personally am a very direct person, but that may not be comfortable for you. If you prefer to be more indirect, you can say something like “Someone asked me the other day what my favorite morning would look like. I imagined waking up and snuggling with someone I love – maybe having sex. Then getting up and making my favorite breakfast which is fruit and muffins and then going on a nice long walk along the ocean. What would your favorite morning be like?” This is more of an indirect way of learning about how he thinks – you might get some hints as to what he is thinking.

I’m mainly wondering if he is having “challenges” with ED or something. Most men who are super slow to start things up sexually, are nervous or afraid for the woman to find out they struggle in that department. Most men are the last ones to go to the doctor to figure out what’s happening. Just a thought.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I love that you feel that both of your marriages were great experiences. Matching with someone is more about having enough likemindedness about how you treat each other. Personality traits and characteristics are less important in how “matching” with each other, although it does help in certain areas – like having a similar way you like to “play” in life. Otherwise, the most important qualities to look for to be a “match” would be having mutual respect, trust, safety and approach to the kind of relationship you want to have.

The one thing I always coach people on when looking for a partner, is looking for the worst in them. That is truly what makes or breaks a relationship long term. So you pay attention to how they treat you, others and themselves during stress. If they are physically or verbally abusive, that obviously is an instant no. Other common patterns are ghosting, stonewalling (not talking to you about it), gaslighting (telling you that you are the problem and the one to blame), victim mentality etc. Basically, anyone who attempts to put their feelings on you or emotionally blocks or runs away from how they feel – those qualities make solving challenges impossible.

The hard part is, it’s difficult to know this about someone when you are first getting to know them. It takes time before your first argument or before you see stressful behavior show up in their life. So….what I personally like to do is ask a particular type of question that will give me a pinhole idea of what kind of person they are. I ask the kinds of questions that expose how they have handled hard situations in their life. For example, “Tell me about the biggest heartbreak in your life. What happened? What did you do?” “tell me about the worst hurt you have ever caused someone. What happened? How did you handle it?” “What are you like when you get really angry or hurt?” “What is the worst betrayal you have ever had to experience?” “What is the biggest lie you have ever told?” I think you get the point. Asking questions about the hardest moments of their life can reveal some interesting things you really want to know about them. The things I look for are: do they still have emotion around those events? what level of emotional intelligence did they have around the situation? do they feel resolved about whatever happened? how do they handle me asking a very personal question? how do they react about showing me their darker side? I’m looking at their relationship with themselves and their self esteem in their worst moments and I’m looking at how they handled those challenging moments and I’m looking at how they tell me – emotional, non emotional, don’t care etc. I store all of that in my mind and then I look to see if what they told me actually lines up with how they behave in life – because of course it’s tempting for them to lie or not tell the full truth. For example, if they tell me they really believe in talking things through – I will test that and find something small to confront them about and see if their words and actions line up. One time, I put a guy through the wringer by intentionally being late, then having to go back home to get something I forgot, then I spilled water on him at the restaurant, then I asked to go home early because I wasn’t feeling well…..yes, I did all of that on purpose to see how he handled things not going the way he planned. I was really starting to like the guy, but that night showed me a side to him that was not okay for me. I’m not saying you need to go to those lengths – I’m just educating you about ways to learn about someone’s dark side, as that is where the dealbreakers live.

I’m really curious what your thoughts are on this.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I think I finally came to that realization, that I could not fix what was broken in him– but I tried until it was impossible to try any further. In some way I had to do what I could to restore the relationship, or at least I thought I had to This is the trick our minds play on us when we feel powerless. I personally believe it is the most challenging and uncomfortable feeling in existence. To have to set and watch someone die, watch someone walk away from us, watch someone make decisions that cause harm or whatever – and not be able to stop the train wreck that is going to follow – well…people will do ANYTHING to avoid that feeling of powerlessness. So our minds come up with ways to “solve” a problem as best as we can – of which many times doesn’t change a damn thing and circles us right back around to feeling powerless. It’s an unavoidable feeling that is part of life and learning how to feel it and not run away from it, is probably one of life’s greatest lessons.

There is a wonderful spark that is not reality, I realize, but is so encompassing. It IS encompassing, isn’t it??? It drives me nuts how powerful it is. These feelings pull people into relationships that many times are unhealthy and damaging to one or both parties. This is why “love is blind.” I have seen people negotiate away their standards, just so they could keep feeling the intoxicating chemicals of connection….myself included. I recently did that with a guy who walked back into my life after 20 years. I KNEW KNEW KNEW that he was not at the level I needed, but he felt so amazing! We had this very electric, life giving, fire energy together…but it also was not enough to support the kind of experience I require. Nonetheless, I allowed that energy into my life, because it felt soooooo good – all while knowing it was not good for me. LOL. I totally get it.

I guess I’d have to say what is missing is the intimacy. I first want to ask, what kind of intimacy? Second, I bring you back to a question I asked earlier. What is it that you want a man to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself? This is the ULTIMATE question to play with and to build a relationship with your SELF. Yes…it IS possible to feel complete, whole, fulfilled and happy 100% without romance in your life. Look at this way…there are 1000s of energies that exist. Romance is just one of many experiences to have in life, so if you take the romance path, that means you are saying no to other experiences. You can also say yes to other experiences and no to romance. Anytime any of us believe that we need to experience a certain energy in order to feel complete and whole in our lives, it only builds an “addictive” type of relationship to that energy – we won’t feel complete and whole without it, so we HAVE to have it. The truth is, we don’t HAVE to have anything. The true journey of life, is to figure out how to experience what is right in front of us, the energies that ARE there – and feel complete. That’s tough, isn’t it??? But that’s why that question is so powerful. It shines a light on our true need that we need to learn how to meet ourselves – and not reach for someone else or something else to fix it for us.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Well, you should officially be back in the Netherlands. How were your travels? Hopefully easy and stress free. I really hope you get to come back in March. I know how much more you love it at home. Would you still have to keep working under Bob? I know how difficult it has been to work with him, but maybe getting to be at home will make all the challenges, much easier.

So let’s talk about Matt Boggs. His info is great! I do like the content he puts out into the world. Yes, you tend to live more in your masculine. A lot of people do. It’s not easy accessing the feminine, especially when it comes to emotions and feelings. Our minds LOVE LOVE LOVE to find logical reasons for our challenging feeling, in efforts to stop the hurting or discomfort or confusion. The mind is great, but learning how to use the feminine energies of the heart – it takes great strength, courage and healing woundedness. That’s why most people operate through their minds as they go through their day. It’s a tricky, very layered and subtle thing to be able to navigate heart energy without the ego/mind getting in the way. Matt was speaking literally and figuratively. He was talking about shifting your focus. For example, if you are at the grocery store, you mind has a list of things to buy. Instead, you can put your attention on your heart and say “Is there anything else I should get that would be in my highest good?” And see what comes to mind. You might have 3 different ways to drive to work, so instead of using your mind to decide which way to go, you focus on your heart and ask “what is the best way to go to work today?” This is learning how to use your heart energy as you move through your day. It is a skill. Does this help? Or do you still feel a bit lost?

I thought I’d share some science of the heart and how it’s being studied energetically and how that affects our physical body. This will feed your mind, but understand is important too.
https://www.heartmath.org/heart-coherence/science/

Any other thoughts on how I can amplify my feminine energy? I’ve tried being a gracious, joyous receiver and also giving compliments. Hasn’t worked yet. This is your mind looking for a solution to finding a man. Your mind thinks there is some kind of “formula” to bringing a man into your life and what you have done up to this point “hasn’t worked yet.” There is no such thing. This gets frustrating when content is put out there and stories are used to explain the point. That woman Sharon, finally connecting with her man, is NOT just about her stepping into her feminine energy. That’s probably the least of it. Connecting with someone to take a long term journey with you is INCREDIBLY layered and dynamic and full of MANY MANY unseen elements at play. So Sharon stepping more into her feminine and all of a sudden having better dates – it just isn’t as simple as Matt is explaining it to be. I get why he used her as an example, but it also is misleading.
And when Matt said that her being in her masculine caused the men she dated, to step into their feminine and that caused no attraction…that also is not true. Sharon may have been in her masculine energy, but that DOES NOT mean that a man steps into his feminine. If a guy does that, he does it because he feels the need to do that, for whatever reason, but SHE is NOT the reason – they are their own reason.

What is always most important here Rhonda, is for you to more deeply connect into your heart wisdom to the truth – the truth being that you are loveable JUST AS YOU ARE. You are not doing anything right or wrong and there is NOTHING you need to “fix” or “change” in order to find your guy. That’s your mind trying to find a solution to what you believe the problem is – still being single. WHat if you were single for the rest of your life Rhonda? What kinds of feelings does that bring up in you? What kind of life do you think you would have? What would you feel about that life?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jeanne,

Welcome! I am soooo so sorry you have had to go through losing your husband. How long ago did he pass? How are you feeling about his passing and about your life in general?

he kisses me and we both go to our own homes, I don’t know if this is normal. How long have you been dating this guy? I want to steer you away from the word “normal.” It’s important to more pay attention to what is “normal” for the people dating. Every couple is different and it’s a dangerous thing to compare to others. Stay focused on yourself, your interactions together, how you feel around each other and keep learning. I love that you are here taking that step to learn! Good job!

I understand your future goals are the same, but what are some other reasons you would like to see this work? What is your need to increase sexual intimacy with him? Building friendship and going slow is an AMAZING way to really get to know someone, without all the sex stuff getting in the way.

Any more details you are willing to share are helpful.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I’m really glad you are finding this information helpful! There is so much more to share, so any questions you have, ask away!

Yes, it was not possible to help my first husband feel useful once the kids were old enough to be able to be more independent, and yet I might have tried the small things more… Even if you did do more small things often, it would not have changed the core wound living within him, that made him feel useless. It wasn’t your job to fix anything within him. It was and always will be your job to be the best version of yourself possible and continue to grow and that’s it. Whatever is making someone else feel unhappy, that is THEIR journey to take within themselves.

You haven’t really answered my question. What do you feel is missing that you think a man can provide for you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

It’s important to understand that the hero instinct, the concept at it’s core, is about a man meeting the needs of a woman, but more from a man’s perspective. Meeting emotional needs of a woman is something entirely different. When you ask a man for help with something non emotional, it’s tangible, there is a start and an end and there is a reward at the end – he made his woman’s life easier and it was in a short amount of time. Asking a man for emotional needs is an entirely different thing and typically an ongoing process with no end in site. So the hero instinct more appeals to an aspect of men that really make them feel empowered. Does this make a little more sense as to why asking for emotional support wasn’t really enough for your previous husband? A good guideline to understand and follow is “small things often.” It comes from the Gottman Institute – a place that has studied how to make relationships successful. It’s the idea that people are finding small ways to add to the “relationship bank” – small, daily deposits – so that when things go seriously south and become challenging – because they always will – there is enough “money” in the bank to support that challenging time. Using the hero instinct technique is one way to put deposits into the relationship bank.

I’m glad you are clear about what your parameters are. That is so incredibly important to understand about yourself and most of all, honor about who you are. It’s tough in the dating world, especially since online dating became the primary way for people to connect. There are a lot of failures and some successes. There is no particular formula to find that guy who matches you. What I always tell people is this….live your life. Whatever you feel is missing from your life, fill it yourself. Complete yourself. Then…when someone enters your life, they only add to it, instead of fill you up. This is the most healthy kind of relationship you could ever have – 2 people who connect because they expand each other and NOT because they are filling whatever is missing in each other. The question I always ask is this….what are you wanting from him, that you are not doing for yourself? This is a tough question and one that most people really don’t want to explore, because ultimately, it means developing your relationship with yourself instead of using “outside” forces, people, things to take care of you. Is that a question you are willing to explore? The goal here is to feel fulfilled and content and not needing anything more than what you have today, in order to feel more happy and nourished in your life. Does it mean you don’t invite a man into your life? No, it just means you don’t crave or need a man to make you feel fulfilled and content and nourished, because you already do that for yourself in various ways.

Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

What are you waiting for??? This kind of pain is awful and breathing, exercising and reading Bible verses, DOES NOT directly help you face the pain. It manages it and helps, but it doesn’t help you process the betrayal, the loss of your dreams, the loss of your “family” the loss of your life! This is a REALLY big deal. What is stopping you from talking to someone and getting help. I imagine you want your husband to get some help. Things cannot just go back to being the way they were. Your relationship has been changed forever. You CANNOT ask for him to get any kind of help if you are not willing to do the same for yourself. This is not something that will just go away. You will be living with this betrayal forever unless you start to learn how to forgive, clear the hurt and release all the other layers of pain that come with something this big.

Again, what is stopping you?

Heidi

[Author]

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