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Well, you should officially be back in the Netherlands. How were your travels? Hopefully easy and stress free. I really hope you get to come back in March. I know how much more you love it at home. Would you still have to keep working under Bob? I know how difficult it has been to work with him, but maybe getting to be at home will make all the challenges, much easier.
So let’s talk about Matt Boggs. His info is great! I do like the content he puts out into the world. Yes, you tend to live more in your masculine. A lot of people do. It’s not easy accessing the feminine, especially when it comes to emotions and feelings. Our minds LOVE LOVE LOVE to find logical reasons for our challenging feeling, in efforts to stop the hurting or discomfort or confusion. The mind is great, but learning how to use the feminine energies of the heart – it takes great strength, courage and healing woundedness. That’s why most people operate through their minds as they go through their day. It’s a tricky, very layered and subtle thing to be able to navigate heart energy without the ego/mind getting in the way. Matt was speaking literally and figuratively. He was talking about shifting your focus. For example, if you are at the grocery store, you mind has a list of things to buy. Instead, you can put your attention on your heart and say “Is there anything else I should get that would be in my highest good?” And see what comes to mind. You might have 3 different ways to drive to work, so instead of using your mind to decide which way to go, you focus on your heart and ask “what is the best way to go to work today?” This is learning how to use your heart energy as you move through your day. It is a skill. Does this help? Or do you still feel a bit lost?
I thought I’d share some science of the heart and how it’s being studied energetically and how that affects our physical body. This will feed your mind, but understand is important too.
https://www.heartmath.org/heart-coherence/science/Any other thoughts on how I can amplify my feminine energy? I’ve tried being a gracious, joyous receiver and also giving compliments. Hasn’t worked yet. This is your mind looking for a solution to finding a man. Your mind thinks there is some kind of “formula” to bringing a man into your life and what you have done up to this point “hasn’t worked yet.” There is no such thing. This gets frustrating when content is put out there and stories are used to explain the point. That woman Sharon, finally connecting with her man, is NOT just about her stepping into her feminine energy. That’s probably the least of it. Connecting with someone to take a long term journey with you is INCREDIBLY layered and dynamic and full of MANY MANY unseen elements at play. So Sharon stepping more into her feminine and all of a sudden having better dates – it just isn’t as simple as Matt is explaining it to be. I get why he used her as an example, but it also is misleading.
And when Matt said that her being in her masculine caused the men she dated, to step into their feminine and that caused no attraction…that also is not true. Sharon may have been in her masculine energy, but that DOES NOT mean that a man steps into his feminine. If a guy does that, he does it because he feels the need to do that, for whatever reason, but SHE is NOT the reason – they are their own reason.What is always most important here Rhonda, is for you to more deeply connect into your heart wisdom to the truth – the truth being that you are loveable JUST AS YOU ARE. You are not doing anything right or wrong and there is NOTHING you need to “fix” or “change” in order to find your guy. That’s your mind trying to find a solution to what you believe the problem is – still being single. WHat if you were single for the rest of your life Rhonda? What kinds of feelings does that bring up in you? What kind of life do you think you would have? What would you feel about that life?
Heidi
Hi Jeanne,
Welcome! I am soooo so sorry you have had to go through losing your husband. How long ago did he pass? How are you feeling about his passing and about your life in general?
he kisses me and we both go to our own homes, I don’t know if this is normal. How long have you been dating this guy? I want to steer you away from the word “normal.” It’s important to more pay attention to what is “normal” for the people dating. Every couple is different and it’s a dangerous thing to compare to others. Stay focused on yourself, your interactions together, how you feel around each other and keep learning. I love that you are here taking that step to learn! Good job!
I understand your future goals are the same, but what are some other reasons you would like to see this work? What is your need to increase sexual intimacy with him? Building friendship and going slow is an AMAZING way to really get to know someone, without all the sex stuff getting in the way.
Any more details you are willing to share are helpful.
Heidi
I’m really glad you are finding this information helpful! There is so much more to share, so any questions you have, ask away!
Yes, it was not possible to help my first husband feel useful once the kids were old enough to be able to be more independent, and yet I might have tried the small things more… Even if you did do more small things often, it would not have changed the core wound living within him, that made him feel useless. It wasn’t your job to fix anything within him. It was and always will be your job to be the best version of yourself possible and continue to grow and that’s it. Whatever is making someone else feel unhappy, that is THEIR journey to take within themselves.
You haven’t really answered my question. What do you feel is missing that you think a man can provide for you?
Heidi
It’s important to understand that the hero instinct, the concept at it’s core, is about a man meeting the needs of a woman, but more from a man’s perspective. Meeting emotional needs of a woman is something entirely different. When you ask a man for help with something non emotional, it’s tangible, there is a start and an end and there is a reward at the end – he made his woman’s life easier and it was in a short amount of time. Asking a man for emotional needs is an entirely different thing and typically an ongoing process with no end in site. So the hero instinct more appeals to an aspect of men that really make them feel empowered. Does this make a little more sense as to why asking for emotional support wasn’t really enough for your previous husband? A good guideline to understand and follow is “small things often.” It comes from the Gottman Institute – a place that has studied how to make relationships successful. It’s the idea that people are finding small ways to add to the “relationship bank” – small, daily deposits – so that when things go seriously south and become challenging – because they always will – there is enough “money” in the bank to support that challenging time. Using the hero instinct technique is one way to put deposits into the relationship bank.
I’m glad you are clear about what your parameters are. That is so incredibly important to understand about yourself and most of all, honor about who you are. It’s tough in the dating world, especially since online dating became the primary way for people to connect. There are a lot of failures and some successes. There is no particular formula to find that guy who matches you. What I always tell people is this….live your life. Whatever you feel is missing from your life, fill it yourself. Complete yourself. Then…when someone enters your life, they only add to it, instead of fill you up. This is the most healthy kind of relationship you could ever have – 2 people who connect because they expand each other and NOT because they are filling whatever is missing in each other. The question I always ask is this….what are you wanting from him, that you are not doing for yourself? This is a tough question and one that most people really don’t want to explore, because ultimately, it means developing your relationship with yourself instead of using “outside” forces, people, things to take care of you. Is that a question you are willing to explore? The goal here is to feel fulfilled and content and not needing anything more than what you have today, in order to feel more happy and nourished in your life. Does it mean you don’t invite a man into your life? No, it just means you don’t crave or need a man to make you feel fulfilled and content and nourished, because you already do that for yourself in various ways.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
What are you waiting for??? This kind of pain is awful and breathing, exercising and reading Bible verses, DOES NOT directly help you face the pain. It manages it and helps, but it doesn’t help you process the betrayal, the loss of your dreams, the loss of your “family” the loss of your life! This is a REALLY big deal. What is stopping you from talking to someone and getting help. I imagine you want your husband to get some help. Things cannot just go back to being the way they were. Your relationship has been changed forever. You CANNOT ask for him to get any kind of help if you are not willing to do the same for yourself. This is not something that will just go away. You will be living with this betrayal forever unless you start to learn how to forgive, clear the hurt and release all the other layers of pain that come with something this big.
Again, what is stopping you?
Heidi
Hi Sue!
Welcome! We are REALLY glad you are here! I love love love your thoughts and questions. There is actually a TON to talk about here, so lets just start with these few questions I have and then we can go from there.
1. You are 2x widowed. Wow! That’s very challenging. I’m sorry you have had to go through this 2x already, but I also love you are willing to open up to a new experience. How long has it been since your last husband transitioned? With the 2 husbands you have had, did you really enjoy both relationships? Did you feel they were both nourishing and healthy?
2. What do you feel is missing? What do you feel a man in your life can bring you that you don’t have now?
The hero instinct is not REALLY about him “rescuing,” although it does sound like that. It’s more about bringing out the best in him. Men LOVE to help, generally speaking. So do women. When we ask for help from someone (even though we technically don’t need it), it creates a bond, it allows a moment where someone gets to be in their heart and feel good about giving and helping and it allows the person asking to feel supported and not alone. That’s more what this “hero” thing is about. One of the top needs a man has in a relationship is feeling appreciated. So asking for “help” with something, even if you don’t need it, provides and opportunity for them to feel appreciated and good about themselves. Does this make a little more sense? It’s NOT about convincing a man that you NEED him, it’s about helping him feel he is part of your life. A lot of women these days are quite independent. These days, both men and women have had to figure out how to do it ALL and many times, alone. One of the side effects of that, is not asking for help in life. For example, there have been a GAZILLION times that someone has asked if I needed help carrying something to my car. 99% of the time, I don’t, but many times, I accept the help. For me, it’s my practice of being in a “receiving” space, especially since I do everything myself. It also allows for a little conversation, it allows for connection, it allows for the other person to feel useful – and sometimes, that moment of receiving allowed me to offer guidance about something that I sensed and they were able to receive from me too. Thoughts on this?
I understand your desire to stay off of technology. It can be pretty brutal. One of the best ways to meet someone likeminded, is to be and go places where other likeminded people go. The gym, hikes, exercise classes, cooking classes, travel classes etc. Have you ever tried meetup.com? It’s NOT a dating site. It’s a site where people offer classes, events etc. for people who are interested in “stuff.” Hiking, travel, dogs, science, exercise…you name it! You just look at groups in the category you are interested in and you can sign up for their events.
Thoughts so far?
Heidi
This all makes soooo much more sense now and I hope it is for you to. However, as you said, you can understand a situation, but it doesn’t take away the pain.
The reasons he gave seem very similar to the reasons he gave me, but when I asked about it he got upset and said he did not like me psychoanalyzing his past all the time. Anytime a guy says, “stop over analyzing me” RUN the other way!!! I could be a millionaire if I got a dollar for every time I heard that from a guy. Let’s really break that down into what a guy is saying when he says that. It means DO NOT know me. DO NOT understand my behaviors. DO NOT put a magnifying glass onto my choices and feelings. LEAVE ME ALONE! What he is also saying, which is THE MOST important thing to pay attention to is….STOP BEING YOU. You were just asking questions with the intent understand him deeper and he is basically telling you to shut that part of you off and stop getting to know him. If all he ever said to you was that…I would have told you run the moment he said it. That is you hitting the first wall around his heart. We ALL have walls around our hearts, but what you are looking for is a guy who is willing to bust through those walls because his desire for love and connection is GREATER than his fear. For your guy, it’s the other way around.
He is also obviously still incredibly upset and angry about his parents. DANGER DANGER DANGER!!! The way he shuts you out is letting you know how he treats himself. He shuts it all down and buries it. That means, down the road, he is going to explode somehow. As long as he holds onto his anger and resentment, it will continue to grow and fester and get bigger and bigger. It will ruin every relationship he will ever have. He will continue to blame everyone else for how he is feeling and at some point, all of the anger will turn into rage and there will be consequences for that. He is not emotionally available and never has been for you. At the same time, I understand he is a really good person, very respectful and kind and treated you really well. That’s the surface him and now you are dealing with the deeper him that is much more unhealthy and unavailable for you.
The thing is, there were big red flags from the beginning. This is where the saying “love is blind” comes in. You fell in love with him despite those red flags. You kept ignoring the signs that he is not set up to be happy….he is too angry and had NO interest in you truly knowing him, despite what a good guy he is. He is not selfish – he is wounded. He is deeply hurting and not willing to face it. It breaks my heart how much he is suffering inside. He would never admit to that because his system locks everything away so tightly, but he suffers nonetheless.
Or maybe I am not the right girl, which hurts so much. You are NOT the right girl. You wanted to know him deeply and intimately and that makes you the wrong kind of girl for him. Over time, you would have felt more and more alone in the relationship. A guideline to ALWAYS follow in ANY relationship…a person cannot give what they don’t have. Your guy does not love himself very well – therefore he would never have been able to love you. Your capacity is greater than his, therefore, in enough time, you would have felt alone because you have to ability to know him deeply, but because he barely knows himself beyond the surface, he never would have been able to know you beyond the surface. Think about it….did he ask you a lot of questions about yourself? Did you feel he was curious about you? Or were you the one always asking him the questions? If he did ask you questions, they probably were never very deep. he probably just stayed on the surface when it came to getting to know you, yes?
More I reflect the more I realized that he really needs to go through this period of growth on his own, no matter how hard it is for me to let go. He is not the growing type, so maybe REALLY understanding and accepting who he is, can help your heart let him go with no hope. Your fantasy about the possibility of getting together in the future is based on him changing. That’s not fair to him. When you truly love someone, that means you accept and love ALL of them, not just the good parts.
Knowing and understanding what you are seeing about him now – knowing he is not a good partner for love – if he came to you and asked to get back together, would you? He isn’t going to change. He is going to still be who he is.
Heidi
Hi Emma,
Wow! What an update. I’m not surprised and I’m sure there is a part of you that wasn’t surprised either. It was through your words and description of him that led me to believe he was involved with someone else.
what is the need to go and his reasons was he wronged her and me and should face in person, that’s what good people do. There is no truth in this. He is making excuses and this “story” he has about doing this in person is just another way to see her. He doesn’t need to end things in person. It’s simple enough to end things over technology – seeing her in person is actually quite emotionally dangerous.
He want me to understand and feel sorry for all the pain he had caused… I told him that he was not sorry , words is cheap…you show that your are remorseful by your actions until then I am not accepting that you are sorry. What are the “actions” you are looking for?
It is so difficult to end, I am giving myself until April. But for the meantime I am focusing on myself and children. I come a long way. What is happening in April? Why then? What are you actually giving yourself?
He said that he is not leaving his family. I am consciously believing it. He already left you guys many months ago. He has been cold and emotionally unavailable for so darn long, so just because he is physically choosing to stay, at least for right now, means absolutely nothing. He has broken trust and emotional safety on so many levels. How does he propose he enters back into connection with you and the kids? Besides, if he doesn’t do the internal work that caused him to cheat and lie all this time, then all it is, is breeding ground for another incident to occur. Just because he decides to “stay” does NOT mean that all those feelings he is using alcohol to escape from, go away. He is in BIG trouble emotionally.
If I let him go now it is hljust giving him a silver platter, he has to do the dirty work not me. Any thought. What silver platter are you giving him? Any decision you make moving forward needs to be about YOU and is best for you. YOU need to process what has happened. YOU need to face the hurt and anger you feel about this and your need for revenge and for him to be in pain too. All of these feelings are absolutely normal and valid, but they still need to be faced and worked with. You cannot ask him to do all the emotional work if you are not willing to do the same. Maybe consider working with a professional now?
I am soooooo so sorry Emma. This breaks my heart to hear. It is so incredibly tough to feel fooled and betrayed on this level. It’s awful and painful. What are you doing to help yourself through this?
Heidi
He says that he felt like I was making plans and forcing him to do them (even though when I asked he said he wanted to) Yikes! So this is a MAJOR red flag. He is playing the victim role here. He is a grown adult and for him to blame you for “forcing” him, especially when he said yes, is a guy who isn’t willing to take responsibility for himself and being a full blown adult. That statement comes from child energy, not an adult energy. My guess is, he has felt “forced” many times because he probably was forced, as a child, to do many things he didn’t want to do. I imagine he probably felt like his feelings, his needs, his wants, his opinions didn’t matter to his caretakers. Therefore, he would have learned to say “yes” as a programmed type of response – and it sounds like that program is still at play here.
He also said that it was overwhelming at times to give me attention long distance and that he felt that I sometimes took his time for granted. How? What SPECIFICALLY were you doing that made him feel like you took his time for granted? Again, where is he using his voice to speak up and ask for what he needs? ANOTHER red flag. It’s the same red flag actually. He isn’t being authentic. My guess is, he probably is too afraid to be authentically himself, state is REAL needs and stop trying to make everyone else happy in order to keep the peace.
The more I have reflected the more I am so deeply hurt by his actions and words. I understand. It hurts to hear those things, especially when there really is nothing you are doing to cause any harm on purpose. He is dumping all of this onto you without really talking with you about it and then creating a space for change. The thing is, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!! This is about HIM not having the strength to be honest about his needs as well as creating a very strong story inside his mind that he is the “victim” of your needs. Again, VERY childlike thinking. He is still quite wounded and carrying around that baggage, that acts as a barrier to love. He may have loved you the most, but he is also not set up to have deep, intimate love with anyone. He has a lot of walls up that will always prevent him from having the kind of love that you want to have with him. He is quite limited.
then he was keeping a list of “red flags.” It is like he was trying to find reasons why it wouldn’t work This just supports everything I have already said. His system is not set up to love deeply and freely, so he can’t help it. He will automatically make those “red flag” lists with anyone and find “reasons” why the love won’t work. It’s a way to stay “protected” and not get hurt. No doubt, his upbringing is influencing how he interacts with love. Do you know anything about his past? How is his relationship with his parents? Siblings? etc…The so-called red flags he has on you are again, about HIM and his VERY strong relationship with fear – it has nothing to do with you. He will do this to every single potential romantic interest. His love will ALWAYS be limited and he will ALWAYS find ways to sabotage the connection when it gets too close to his heart. Most people do that actually – and sadly, very few are aware they are even doing it. If you understand that it’s estimated that somewhere around 80% of our decisions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are being influenced by the subconscious, then you can understand that the majority of what people THINK they feel, is being sourced from a place they have no clue about.
He is a good person and I am so angry, but disappointed and so so sad. I’m trying to be strong but nothing is making sense. Of course he is a good person. You wouldn’t love him otherwise. He is just a limited person when it comes to love and is not able to offer you what you want and need. He is not set up for that. He would need to do A LOT of internal work and he would need to wake up to his patterns and start to “dissect” them so he can grow and learn. It doesn’t sound like that is the path he is interested in taking. That, in and of itself, makes him a very difficult partner to be with long term. He will just continue to blame you for how he feels and never really grow and learn about the baggage he is carrying and how it affects you.
Letting go of love deeply hurts, especially when you have built your entire future around him. You thought you had found your person and you fully invested in him and building a loooong life together. The thing is, you are now seeing other parts of him that you didn’t see before, that are showing you he is not built for that. He sabotages and his fear is much bigger than the love he has for you – and he doesn’t even know it. All he knows is that his system is telling him “I need space” and he isn’t stopping and asking himself, Why? What’s happening? What am I REALLY feeling? Instead he says YOU are smothering and YOU forced him into things. I wish love were enough, but it’s actually the least of what makes a relationship work long term. There is over a 50% divorce rate! That’s because people are choosing partners based on “love” and not really looking at how the relationship actually functions.
Here is THE MOST IMPORTANT defining factor as to whether a relationship will work or not – how do they treat you and others and themselves under stress? This is a foundation piece that most people ignore – yet it is one of the most powerful legs of the foundation. You CANNOT build trust and safety in a relationship with a guy who isn’t authentic, blames you for how he is feeling and breaks up with you because of that. I know some of this may not make sense to you, but does it really matter? No. Not really. It doesn’t matter why (although your brain and heart will tell you otherwise) because what DOES matter is this is how he treated you. He bailed, he wasn’t honest all along the way and then the blames you for his feelings. That is NOT a partner to go through life with.
What you want to look for is a guy who is willing to FACE his fears instead of letting them run his love life. You want a guy who has emotional intelligence. He has self awareness, he has an understanding of his patterns and he is interested in working on them. You want a guy who has a NATURAL drive to want to know himself. That is the kind of guy to go through life with, because when the stress shows up in the relationship, he will be someone who takes responsibility for his feelings, he will communicate with you, he will be willing to do the work and he will have ways that he faces his fears and he will have friends or people that help hold him accountable and that he submits to. Anything less than this kind of approach to life, you will find VERY difficult to be in a relationship with.
I know you thought this guy was your dream guy and everything was amazing and wonderful. The truth is though, it wasn’t. It may have been for you, but it wasn’t for him – and it’s not your fault that you didn’t know that – he hid himself from you and that’s on HIM!
I’m hoping this maybe brought you more clarity and understanding to your very precious, hurting heart.
Let me know how all of this makes you feel.
Heidi
Hi Michele,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge with us. There is A LOT to talk about with this, so stick with us as we work through everything.
First things first, is it type 1 or 2 diabetes? Is he doing what is needed to help himself? Is he changing his diet and exercising?
As far as having sex, has he ever gotten tested for his hormone balance? Low or zero libido can come from a MILLION different places. Hormone imbalance, emotional stress, nutrition, lack of exercise which produces testosterone and so many other things. If he hates taking pills, which I totally get, what IS he willing to do? It could be a totally easy and quick fix, once you guys figure out the root cause…or it could be something much more dynamic. Diabetes is NOT the root cause. Diabetes may be causing some kind of response in his body to cause him to not want to have sex, so it’s important to figure that out. What EXACTLY is happening here?
What is your sexual history together? What did sex use to be like? Did you use to feel like his libido was healthy? Or were you the one always initiating sex?
I Feel like an awful woman and wife for needing him. I feel bad for being satisfied and wanting more Now this is interesting. Where does this feeling come from? If you feel bad about this, my guess is, you feel bad about ANY need that you have. Yes? No? This would be something to look at within yourself, because EVERYONE has needs and being in relationship is about figuring out what those needs are and getting them met. Your husband has a need to NOT have sex, so is his need more important than your need to have sex? I would say both of your needs are important and should be valued and listened to. If he isn’t willing to care enough about your needs to work on himself and vice versa, then I would say there are much bigger issues here than sex.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
Hi ST,
Welcome! We have a lot to unpack here. There are a lot of layers to talk about, so good job reaching out and seeking perspective and guidance!!! I also love that you are wanting to learn and grow. You come across as being quite grounded vs. feeling desperate to get him back and will do anything to make that happen. I’m not saying you don’t feel that. It would be normal. That desperate kind of energy comes from losing your power and identity to him. It seems like you are still connected to your value, whether he chooses to fight for you or not. That tells me you have some strong, core self-esteem that is keeping you grounded in the middle of this very, very uncertain and hurtful time. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s incredibly difficult to watch the one you love, pull away and not for any reason that you can influence. It’s quite the powerless feeling and in my opinion, feeling powerless is on of the most difficult feelings to truly face and embrace.
Let’s break down your situation a little more. First, would you mind sharing how you were smothering? What kinds of things would you do to make him feel that way? Do you understand why you were acting like that? Is this more of a newer development in your relationship or has it been ongoing for a while? Do you agree that you were smothering or do you have a different perspective?
I’m going to give you a reality check here, because it’s important that you take your power back. There is no such thing as a “break.” People like to say that in order to soften the challenge of a breakup. It helps both people “hold on” to some idea of a future together, but the truth is, humans are lousy predictors. You need to embrace that this is a breakup, not a break. This is an ending. When you really face that this is what is happening, you can take your life back and start to build it without making plans to have him come back into your life – because the truth is, neither of you knows if that will ever happen. You don’t want to build your life around “hope.” That’s putting yourself on pause – so to speak – and that is giving away your power to an “idea” that may or may not happen. What is most important is for you to embrace what is happening NOW. Today, the relationship is not working. That’s the only information you have to work with and it is the place and mindset where you make your decisions from – because that is the ONLY information that is actually true. Building your life around taking a “break” and hoping to come back together down the road, is building your life based on fantasy only to try and relieve the amount of pain that you both feel about this separation. For TODAY, the only thing that is true and real, is that he needs to break up and take some time for himself. End of story.
Let’s talk about him for a bit. His need to take a break feels like he needs to go experience more life. A lot of people, both men and women, have a higher need to explore during their 20s. Think about it…you leave home to go to college around 18 or 19 and have first experience of freedom from the parents. But the next 4 years, you are still being told what to do by teachers, and although there is more freedom in life, there are still a lot of rules, boundaries and schedules dictating your life. Then you leave college and you get to experience the next level of freedom. Your own apartment, your own job, your own schedule etc. (I’m speaking generally of course). So the mid 20s is a time when people like to explore on a bigger level. Date, have sex, drink, meet a lot of new people, try on different jobs, roommates, cars, deal with bills etc. I personally always encourage people to go experience anything and everything when you are in your 20s. If you do that, the 30s tend to be the time you feel good about growing roots, settling down, building a family, buying a home (generally speaking). My main point being…it sounds like he is the kind of guy who really needs to go explore more. If he doesn’t and ends up settling down with you, then this “energy” of wanting to explore might get buried, but will reappear down the road. Many people who experience that “mid-life crisis” energy in their 40s and 50s are those people who didn’t create space for themselves to explore when they were younger. So…trust him. He is sensing and feeling something that is pulling him away from you. It’s bigger than his love and connection to you and it’s so incredibly important that he listens to it. He has no idea what is ahead for himself, but that’s okay. He is strong enough to listen to this “pull” so he will be strong enough to handle whatever shows up on his path. I respect him for that and I imagine that is the kind of guy you want to be with anyways. Good for him for being honest and true to himself.
Now…with all of that being said, it doesn’t mean there isn’t a future for you guys. I absolutely do recommend that you move on and really embrace that this is a “breakup” and treat it as such. Does that mean you guys can’t get back together as some point?? Absolutely not!!! All it means is that you are not putting your life on hold for a moment that may never happen. This way, you are moving on, healing and letting go of this love at the frequency it has been living in. This allows for new love to enter when you are ready. It could be him or it could be someone else. Either way, you will be fresh and available for a brand new experience…and that’s what you want with him, if he does end up coming into your life again. You want to treat it as a NEW love and a NEW experience, because you both will have grown. If you hold onto this version of your relationship, it will get in the way of any new version that could be waiting for you, either with him or someone else.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
It always makes me so sad to hear stories of someone not getting to experience love and connection growing up. It’s the most important aspect for a child! Unfortunately, it’s so incredibly common. The parents never had it growing up, so they don’t end up providing it for their child and the cycle just ends up repeating over and over and over until someone decides to break the destructive generational patterning in their lineage. Good job Mariepier! You are that person breaking the generational pattern. There is nothing easy about that and incredibly hard to face. I’m really proud of you that you decided you wanted to learn how to love. You want to heal, you want to learn and grow and you want to create and support a much more healthy connection. Good job!!!
Just curious, are you still connected to your parents and sister? What is your relationship with all of them now?
Moving forward, it’s important to have a plan of how to handle that neediness when it shows up. You will deal with it for the rest of your life. The more you heal though, the less authority it will have in your life. It sounds like it’s still quite powerful and influential in how you behave. That just means that little girl energy that was never loved, is running the show. She is in the driver’s seat instead of you, the adult driving. She needs to be put into the back seat. She is allowed to express and voice how she feels, but when your adult is in the driver’s seat, you take control of the situation and make sure her needs are met by YOU and that she doesn’t end up driving you into situations of connection with men that are not sustainable nor healthy.
Here is a book that I love! Michaela Boehm is fantastic at help women really connect into their divine feminine power. At the end of her book, she shares different skills and tools to help make that happen, especially when our buttons are being pushed. She also offers a lot of online courses for either certification or non-linear movement classes that she teaches monthly…which are wonderful! If you don’t resonate with her, let me know. I have MANY other recommendations to help you along your path of healing. Here is her website: https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
Heidi
That’s strange. On my end, I see that Spyce responded to your last post (under the “tricky relationship situation” category) 2 weeks ago on December 15. I’m wondering what is happening that you are not able to see that. Your thread is not closed, so maybe try a different browser. I can reach out to customer support to see if they have any thoughts on this. Would you like me to do that?
Heidi
HI Mariepier,
Welcome to the forum! You came to the right place! You are a very smart person to reach out and talk about this. That’s one of the aspect that makes someone more emotionally intelligent – asking for help when needed. I understand your confusion. You don’t want to scare him off, but you also don’t want to have a missed opportunity. First and foremost, the universe is soooooo much bigger than any one decision you make. The truth is, whether you decide to talk to this guy or not, your life is still going to move forward and you will still have romance in your life down the road. When and with whom? Who knows…but the first thing to do is stop this story, which keeps you frozen in confusion, that this might be your “only chance” to connect with a good guy. Humans are LOUSY predictors! All that matters, with anything in life, is that you are living the way you were made to live and being the best version of yourself – and that you love that version of yourself. Everything else will fall into place exactly as it is supposed to. So stop trying to predict the future and be present with what is happening for you RIGHT NOW.
I would be dumb to let him go since we had such a strong connection. Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. In fact, it’s those “strong connections” that people end up feeling for each other, that end up keeping couples together when it’s actually quite unhealthy and damaging. All I’m trying to say, is that the connection is the LEAST important part. It’s just the energy to get things started. There is soooooo much more that needs to be in place for that connection to work and grow into something deeper. DO NOT let the idea of having a strong connection with this guy, lead you. Of course, it’s part of the equation, but needs to be lowered down on the list as to reasons why you should or should not reach out.
So let’s talk about what happened. I’m glad you were able to reconnect back to yourself again. You gave your power away to him, when you became needy. Meaning, you all of a sudden put your needs, your self-esteem, your value into HIS hands instead of holding onto it yourself. He is NOT the one who decides whether or not you are valuable and worth fighting for. When you put that into someone else’s hands, you lose yourself – and then become needy. My guess is, this might be a pattern of yours? Maybe not with every guy, but I’m guessing this is not a foreign feeling for you. Do you understand why you are like this? Do you know where it started? Maybe as a kid you had an emotionally unavailable parent, siblings, role models? What is MOST important out of this whole situation, is for you to understand yourself and then start connecting to that “needy” part of yourself. You need to learn how to meet the needs of your “needy” part yourself and not look to someone else to do it for you. The truth is, you may be centered and chill again, but that part of you still exists and will come out again, whether with this guy or a different one. So the gift is that this experience has shown you what lives within you so you can empower yourself to more strongly connect with your value, your amazingness, your strength, your beauty – EVEN IF a guy rejects you or pulls away. If you can feel all of those things in the face of rejection – then you made it! It’s not an easy thing to do, but that is the ultimate goal.
So what happened? You said you became needy, but how did that manifest? How did you act or behave or what did you say? And what was his response to all of it?
The thing is, there is no “right” answer here. You just have 2 paths – one to reach out and find out what happens and one where you don’t reach out. Make a decision – that’s all that needs to happen right now. Whatever you do decide, you not stuck and have many more choices to change direction. Either way, trust in YOURSELF. Trust that no matter what you do decide, at any given moment, that you will be able to handle whatever happens. If you don’t have that trust in yourself, then it’s time to start building it!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jadene,
It’s easiest for us coaches to respond to just one thread, so I’ll post a response here, but continuing the conversation on your main thread is best.
So you feel like you are in love? I know this has been what you were wanting, so I’m glad you get to experience that! In regards to boundaries, what boundaries are you wanting to have with his “stepfather and etc.?”
My sense is there is a window of time when I need to show patience for him to follow through on his stated intentions to resolve the stressors in his life. There are always going to be stressors to deal with…forever. Are the stressors he is currently dealing with, not acceptable to you?
The timing of setting boundaries is according to you. You set them for yourself, when you feel it’s important. I personally set boundaries pretty quickly, once I’m aware of my need for them. Boundaries are there to help us feel safe, and especially considering your background, it’s important for you. How to communicate them can be pretty simple…you just talk about your need. So it would be something like “I need your help with something. I’m not feeling comfortable with…….It’s important that I feel…….so that I can feel safe and comfortable in (this area). Would you be willing to help me by doing…….? It would make a big difference for me.” Another way you can say it is “When you do………this is how it makes me feel……I know this is not your intention at all, so I wanted to talk with you about it and see if we can find a way to go about this…….”
Basically, stating your need, the reason why and then asking for their support to resolve it, is a great way to include them in the process. Make sure you have a clear “ask” though. Meaning…be clear about exactly what you need, so he doesn’t have to play guessing games. Then give it some time and see how it plays out. If it turns out it’s not quite working, you just come back to the drawing board with him and find a different way to get your needs met. It’s a creative process sometimes. Hopefully, this gives you some ideas.
Heidi
