Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi ST,
Welcome! We have a lot to unpack here. There are a lot of layers to talk about, so good job reaching out and seeking perspective and guidance!!! I also love that you are wanting to learn and grow. You come across as being quite grounded vs. feeling desperate to get him back and will do anything to make that happen. I’m not saying you don’t feel that. It would be normal. That desperate kind of energy comes from losing your power and identity to him. It seems like you are still connected to your value, whether he chooses to fight for you or not. That tells me you have some strong, core self-esteem that is keeping you grounded in the middle of this very, very uncertain and hurtful time. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s incredibly difficult to watch the one you love, pull away and not for any reason that you can influence. It’s quite the powerless feeling and in my opinion, feeling powerless is on of the most difficult feelings to truly face and embrace.
Let’s break down your situation a little more. First, would you mind sharing how you were smothering? What kinds of things would you do to make him feel that way? Do you understand why you were acting like that? Is this more of a newer development in your relationship or has it been ongoing for a while? Do you agree that you were smothering or do you have a different perspective?
I’m going to give you a reality check here, because it’s important that you take your power back. There is no such thing as a “break.” People like to say that in order to soften the challenge of a breakup. It helps both people “hold on” to some idea of a future together, but the truth is, humans are lousy predictors. You need to embrace that this is a breakup, not a break. This is an ending. When you really face that this is what is happening, you can take your life back and start to build it without making plans to have him come back into your life – because the truth is, neither of you knows if that will ever happen. You don’t want to build your life around “hope.” That’s putting yourself on pause – so to speak – and that is giving away your power to an “idea” that may or may not happen. What is most important is for you to embrace what is happening NOW. Today, the relationship is not working. That’s the only information you have to work with and it is the place and mindset where you make your decisions from – because that is the ONLY information that is actually true. Building your life around taking a “break” and hoping to come back together down the road, is building your life based on fantasy only to try and relieve the amount of pain that you both feel about this separation. For TODAY, the only thing that is true and real, is that he needs to break up and take some time for himself. End of story.
Let’s talk about him for a bit. His need to take a break feels like he needs to go experience more life. A lot of people, both men and women, have a higher need to explore during their 20s. Think about it…you leave home to go to college around 18 or 19 and have first experience of freedom from the parents. But the next 4 years, you are still being told what to do by teachers, and although there is more freedom in life, there are still a lot of rules, boundaries and schedules dictating your life. Then you leave college and you get to experience the next level of freedom. Your own apartment, your own job, your own schedule etc. (I’m speaking generally of course). So the mid 20s is a time when people like to explore on a bigger level. Date, have sex, drink, meet a lot of new people, try on different jobs, roommates, cars, deal with bills etc. I personally always encourage people to go experience anything and everything when you are in your 20s. If you do that, the 30s tend to be the time you feel good about growing roots, settling down, building a family, buying a home (generally speaking). My main point being…it sounds like he is the kind of guy who really needs to go explore more. If he doesn’t and ends up settling down with you, then this “energy” of wanting to explore might get buried, but will reappear down the road. Many people who experience that “mid-life crisis” energy in their 40s and 50s are those people who didn’t create space for themselves to explore when they were younger. So…trust him. He is sensing and feeling something that is pulling him away from you. It’s bigger than his love and connection to you and it’s so incredibly important that he listens to it. He has no idea what is ahead for himself, but that’s okay. He is strong enough to listen to this “pull” so he will be strong enough to handle whatever shows up on his path. I respect him for that and I imagine that is the kind of guy you want to be with anyways. Good for him for being honest and true to himself.
Now…with all of that being said, it doesn’t mean there isn’t a future for you guys. I absolutely do recommend that you move on and really embrace that this is a “breakup” and treat it as such. Does that mean you guys can’t get back together as some point?? Absolutely not!!! All it means is that you are not putting your life on hold for a moment that may never happen. This way, you are moving on, healing and letting go of this love at the frequency it has been living in. This allows for new love to enter when you are ready. It could be him or it could be someone else. Either way, you will be fresh and available for a brand new experience…and that’s what you want with him, if he does end up coming into your life again. You want to treat it as a NEW love and a NEW experience, because you both will have grown. If you hold onto this version of your relationship, it will get in the way of any new version that could be waiting for you, either with him or someone else.
Does this make sense? Thoughts?
Heidi
It always makes me so sad to hear stories of someone not getting to experience love and connection growing up. It’s the most important aspect for a child! Unfortunately, it’s so incredibly common. The parents never had it growing up, so they don’t end up providing it for their child and the cycle just ends up repeating over and over and over until someone decides to break the destructive generational patterning in their lineage. Good job Mariepier! You are that person breaking the generational pattern. There is nothing easy about that and incredibly hard to face. I’m really proud of you that you decided you wanted to learn how to love. You want to heal, you want to learn and grow and you want to create and support a much more healthy connection. Good job!!!
Just curious, are you still connected to your parents and sister? What is your relationship with all of them now?
Moving forward, it’s important to have a plan of how to handle that neediness when it shows up. You will deal with it for the rest of your life. The more you heal though, the less authority it will have in your life. It sounds like it’s still quite powerful and influential in how you behave. That just means that little girl energy that was never loved, is running the show. She is in the driver’s seat instead of you, the adult driving. She needs to be put into the back seat. She is allowed to express and voice how she feels, but when your adult is in the driver’s seat, you take control of the situation and make sure her needs are met by YOU and that she doesn’t end up driving you into situations of connection with men that are not sustainable nor healthy.
Here is a book that I love! Michaela Boehm is fantastic at help women really connect into their divine feminine power. At the end of her book, she shares different skills and tools to help make that happen, especially when our buttons are being pushed. She also offers a lot of online courses for either certification or non-linear movement classes that she teaches monthly…which are wonderful! If you don’t resonate with her, let me know. I have MANY other recommendations to help you along your path of healing. Here is her website: https://www.michaelaboehm.com/the-book/
Heidi
That’s strange. On my end, I see that Spyce responded to your last post (under the “tricky relationship situation” category) 2 weeks ago on December 15. I’m wondering what is happening that you are not able to see that. Your thread is not closed, so maybe try a different browser. I can reach out to customer support to see if they have any thoughts on this. Would you like me to do that?
Heidi
HI Mariepier,
Welcome to the forum! You came to the right place! You are a very smart person to reach out and talk about this. That’s one of the aspect that makes someone more emotionally intelligent – asking for help when needed. I understand your confusion. You don’t want to scare him off, but you also don’t want to have a missed opportunity. First and foremost, the universe is soooooo much bigger than any one decision you make. The truth is, whether you decide to talk to this guy or not, your life is still going to move forward and you will still have romance in your life down the road. When and with whom? Who knows…but the first thing to do is stop this story, which keeps you frozen in confusion, that this might be your “only chance” to connect with a good guy. Humans are LOUSY predictors! All that matters, with anything in life, is that you are living the way you were made to live and being the best version of yourself – and that you love that version of yourself. Everything else will fall into place exactly as it is supposed to. So stop trying to predict the future and be present with what is happening for you RIGHT NOW.
I would be dumb to let him go since we had such a strong connection. Connection DOES NOT equal compatibility. In fact, it’s those “strong connections” that people end up feeling for each other, that end up keeping couples together when it’s actually quite unhealthy and damaging. All I’m trying to say, is that the connection is the LEAST important part. It’s just the energy to get things started. There is soooooo much more that needs to be in place for that connection to work and grow into something deeper. DO NOT let the idea of having a strong connection with this guy, lead you. Of course, it’s part of the equation, but needs to be lowered down on the list as to reasons why you should or should not reach out.
So let’s talk about what happened. I’m glad you were able to reconnect back to yourself again. You gave your power away to him, when you became needy. Meaning, you all of a sudden put your needs, your self-esteem, your value into HIS hands instead of holding onto it yourself. He is NOT the one who decides whether or not you are valuable and worth fighting for. When you put that into someone else’s hands, you lose yourself – and then become needy. My guess is, this might be a pattern of yours? Maybe not with every guy, but I’m guessing this is not a foreign feeling for you. Do you understand why you are like this? Do you know where it started? Maybe as a kid you had an emotionally unavailable parent, siblings, role models? What is MOST important out of this whole situation, is for you to understand yourself and then start connecting to that “needy” part of yourself. You need to learn how to meet the needs of your “needy” part yourself and not look to someone else to do it for you. The truth is, you may be centered and chill again, but that part of you still exists and will come out again, whether with this guy or a different one. So the gift is that this experience has shown you what lives within you so you can empower yourself to more strongly connect with your value, your amazingness, your strength, your beauty – EVEN IF a guy rejects you or pulls away. If you can feel all of those things in the face of rejection – then you made it! It’s not an easy thing to do, but that is the ultimate goal.
So what happened? You said you became needy, but how did that manifest? How did you act or behave or what did you say? And what was his response to all of it?
The thing is, there is no “right” answer here. You just have 2 paths – one to reach out and find out what happens and one where you don’t reach out. Make a decision – that’s all that needs to happen right now. Whatever you do decide, you not stuck and have many more choices to change direction. Either way, trust in YOURSELF. Trust that no matter what you do decide, at any given moment, that you will be able to handle whatever happens. If you don’t have that trust in yourself, then it’s time to start building it!
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jadene,
It’s easiest for us coaches to respond to just one thread, so I’ll post a response here, but continuing the conversation on your main thread is best.
So you feel like you are in love? I know this has been what you were wanting, so I’m glad you get to experience that! In regards to boundaries, what boundaries are you wanting to have with his “stepfather and etc.?”
My sense is there is a window of time when I need to show patience for him to follow through on his stated intentions to resolve the stressors in his life. There are always going to be stressors to deal with…forever. Are the stressors he is currently dealing with, not acceptable to you?
The timing of setting boundaries is according to you. You set them for yourself, when you feel it’s important. I personally set boundaries pretty quickly, once I’m aware of my need for them. Boundaries are there to help us feel safe, and especially considering your background, it’s important for you. How to communicate them can be pretty simple…you just talk about your need. So it would be something like “I need your help with something. I’m not feeling comfortable with…….It’s important that I feel…….so that I can feel safe and comfortable in (this area). Would you be willing to help me by doing…….? It would make a big difference for me.” Another way you can say it is “When you do………this is how it makes me feel……I know this is not your intention at all, so I wanted to talk with you about it and see if we can find a way to go about this…….”
Basically, stating your need, the reason why and then asking for their support to resolve it, is a great way to include them in the process. Make sure you have a clear “ask” though. Meaning…be clear about exactly what you need, so he doesn’t have to play guessing games. Then give it some time and see how it plays out. If it turns out it’s not quite working, you just come back to the drawing board with him and find a different way to get your needs met. It’s a creative process sometimes. Hopefully, this gives you some ideas.
Heidi
Hi Soyini,
Welcome. I’m glad you reached out to get a different perspective. It’s a lot you are going through and being that you love him, it can really cause a lot of confusion.
Here is a simple rule you can always follow about patterns. Once is just once. 2x is a weak pattern, 3x is a strong pattern. If it’s a strong pattern, you either have to accept that pattern as part of your life, as it’s part of how that person functions or require they shift it if they are going to be in a relationship with you. Obviously, he has many strong patterns that are destructive to your relationship. Bottom line is, you are trying to fight for a guy who doesn’t have integrity. You keep wanting him to have it, but it’s not who he is and he isn’t interested in building that within himself either. If he were, he would face himself. He would look at his destructive choices and patterns and begin to understand why those are his choices in the first place.
Can anyone help me figure this out please? There is nothing to figure out here. He doesn’t have integrity. So…you either accept this is the person you love and want to be with or you don’t. It’s really that simple. You cannot love him for the potential he carries, as that is like being on a hamster wheel. You will work and work and work trying to keep the connection going, but you will end up in the same place you started…with a guy who breaks his words all the time and with a guy who has no respect for women and with a guy who cheats and lies. I know this is not ALL of who he is. I know he has some great qualities too…or you would not have married him. The thing is, his negative qualities are qualities that sabotage connection and cause a lot of hurt. As you already know, it doesn’t change – regardless of what he says he feels for you and what he wants. Whatever it is that he is feeling for you – it’s not enough to change his patterns.
Patterns like this come from very deep-rooted hurt that he has never resolved. He has A LOT of baggage that prevents him from deeply connecting with anyone. That baggage is FULL of lies, low self-esteem, fear, anger, hurt etc. All of those feelings are much BIGGER than any love he feels for you…or anyone else for that matter. So yes, he has a part of him that loves you and wants things to work, but those feelings get overtaken by the baggage and the fear, the hurt, the anger take over and will always win…therefore sabotaging connection. Now…it’s important to be clear that he probably is not even aware he is doing any of this and why. He is aware of his choices, but he is not aware of the reasons for his choices. He is just following his feelings without wondering where they come from. So one moment, he is feeling strong for you, then the next moment, he is with that other woman. He is split, which is normal when you carry as much emotional baggage as he is carrying.
He is not set up emotionally to be happy. He is not set up emotionally to love deeply. He is not set up emotionally to live with integrity.
He was like this way before you ever came into his life, so this is not YOUR job to fix or “figure out.” What your job is, is to see him and accept him and love him for EXACTLY who he is. That is the greatest thing you can do for him and for yourself. That DOES NOT mean you stay with him though. There is something in YOU that you keep choosing to be with a man who is damaging. That is YOUR baggage. So before you start wanting him to “fix” how he is with you, look at yourself and what is causing you to be in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t treat you with respect. He can’t. He doesn’t respect himself. And you want respect from him, but you are not respecting yourself either.
You want things to change? Go see a therapist yourself. All you have control over lives within YOU and not him. He is who is and gets to be that way. If he wants to shift his life, he can take his own action and find a counselor himself. It needs to come from him though and not you trying to convince him. That will only backfire. He needs to WANT to grow, all on his own.
I understand you both have this very strong, natural connection that is effortlessly there. I wish it were enough. Connection does not equal compatibility though.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Cassandra,
I responded to your other post, so let’s keep the conversation over on that thread. Thanks!
I know you haven’t had parents that were supportive and loving. They were controlling, judgemental and critical. That was their version of parenting and I’m so sorry that was your experience. I know you say “how can you miss something you never had” but there is a part of you that would miss that never got the love that you so deeply needed. That child part of us that connects to that “parent” regardless of how they treat us – that part can grieve because now there is an ending. It’s a good ending, but an ending nonetheless. You may or may not be connected to that part of you. Maybe journal her voice? Allow her some space to feel whatever it is that she wants to feel? Anger, sadness, love…whatever comes out, but give her a chance to tell you what she feels. It can be very healing.
I’m sure there is HUGE relief for your sister. In that relief though, I imagine she feels guilty and it’s a massive identity shift…which is always quite uncomfortable. She has a lot of things to face that are not easy.
I love the week you have planned. It’s perfect for your heart! So nourishing!!!
Heidi
Hi Cassandra,
Welcome to the forum. I’m glad you are here. Your situation is heartbreaking and I’m so so sorry you are having to go through this. It’s truly awful not feeling like you can trust your partner. You have some tough decisions to make.
He was so angry that I did this and said it was an invasion of privacy, he held a long grudge and blamed my emotions and negative attitude for everything. This is a prime example of gaslighting. He turned his infidelity into YOUR fault and switched the focus from him cheating to you having a negative attitude and YOU crossing boundaries. While you crossing boundaries is true and does need to e addressed, he somehow figured out a way to completely avoid taking responsibility for his choices and the hurt he caused you. Smart guy. He is good at manipulating you.
He refuses to delete them from his phone because he doesn’t want to be told what to do, which I agreed to because he has power struggle issues. Of course he doesn’t want to be told what to do. I don’t know anyone who does. The issue here is that he isn’t doing it himself. He shouldn’t have to be told, he should WANT to protect your relationship and do everything he can to earn your trust back – and that obviously does not interest him.
How could he do this while sleeping next to me every night? How do I stop him? How do I change the dynamic so he goes back to desiring me? In the past he said he was looking for attention, but I give him so much attention. Please help as I want to save our relationship! I understand you want to save your relationship. There is one thing missing in order to be able to do that – he doesn’t care enough to do the same thing. He is NOT on the same page as you are and as long as that is the dynamic, there is nothing you can do. I know your next question is….well how do I get him on the same page? My answer is – it’s not your job to get him on the same page. If you REALLY think about this, do you want to be with a guy who you have to convince to want to fight for you??? Do you really want a partner who blames you for HIM making choices that broke your agreement? Do you want a partner who keeps the dating apps and continues to use them? Because he claims he needs attention??? This guy is NOT a good partner. This guy has very strong narcissistic tendencies and is only interested in serving himself. He is not interested in how you feel. If he needs more attention, what’s stopping him from coming to YOU and having a talk about that? Instead he went to other women for that attention. At the very least, that lets you know how he chooses to solve problems…on his own and not with you. He clearly has no respect for you or for the container of a relationship. So you are asking…how do I get him to respect me? How do I get his attention? First, I would never advise anyone to try and get the attention of a guy who treats women the way he treats them. Second, he is not built for relationship. He is self-serving and not interested in having an authentic, honest, deep and connected relationship.
I know you feel like you love him and that he has some great qualities worth fighting for. I’m sure he does have great qualities! He also has qualities that ruin and sabotage connection and unfortunately, those qualities are more influential and impactful than all the great qualities. If you want his respect, then you need to respect yourself first and foremost. You cannot ask for something from someone else, that you do not carry within yourself. Would you say it’s a respectful thing for you to be with a guy who cheats on you? Would you say it’s loving and respectful to yourself to be with a guy who blames you for his cheating? Would you say it’s a respectful choice for you to be with a guy who keeps those apps on his phone because he says he doesn’t want to be told what to do???
It’s simple. You do not have any boundaries. You have taught him that he can do whatever it is that he wants to do and you are not going to leave. There are no consequences to his choices. So why should he stop? He knows that all he has to do is get angry enough and blame you and you’ll go along with it. So why should he change? You are even here asking how to get his attention again, as if YOU are the problem that needs to be fixed. Of course, there are things you could do to be a better partner, but you could spend thousands of dollars and thousands of hours on learning how to be the very partner in the world, but that would change the end result…you are with a guy who doesn’t care about you. It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with who he is. He was like this before he even met you. If he cheated, and cared that he cheated and took responsibility and did everything he could to earn your trust back…that is something to work with and something you could fight for and possibly repair. But this guy is nowhere close to that and he is not going to change, because this is who he is – regardless of how you change. He probably will always be with a woman who isn’t able to stand up for herself. That is how he will be able to have his cake and eat it too. He can get attention and cheat as much as he wants and then get the love and attention from a committed girl who gives him everything he wants.
I know this is not at all what you wanted to hear. I want to lead you into your power. The first step of that is helping you begin to respect yourself, first and foremost. If that is a journey you are willing to take, then that will be more lifechanging – in a good way – than trying to get the attention of a man who is not relationship material.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh gosh Rhonda. Wow! I knew you would have a lot of mixed emotions about it. This is intense to deal with. I want to say “I’m so sorry you have to deal with this” and I wish I could help make this easier for you. Now, both of your parents are gone. It’s a shift in identity. Your dad probably feels more difficult because it’s compounded and triggering the loss of your mom as well. You no longer have parents on this earth. I’m sooo so sorry Rhonda.
Again, feeling guilty for not being there for his last few hours. Let’s go down this road a bit. Let’s say you did go to the nursing home and were there 24/7. You would have been criticized and had walls up around your heart, as you don’t feel safe and open around him. Do you REALLY think that somehow that would have made anything better for him? To be with someone who didn’t even like him? It’s okay that he passed on his own. What makes you think he wasn’t connected to his guides and angels and the divine light he was crossing into? We are NEVER “alone.” Do not allow yourself to buy into that story that feeds your guilt. Let it go and trust that every single moment in your dad’s passing was in perfect timing and a perfect plan. You are viewing his passing purely from a very limited human perspective which is FULL of all kinds of incongruities and partial truths. Let go of the story and trust that God and your dad had their own relationship and plan and it was divinely executed.
I’m sending you a GIANT virtual hug Rhonda. It’s a lot to process and I hope you allow yourself to feel all of it. I’m sure your sister is having a really hard time too. Maybe you guys can somehow bond more deeply through this. Either way, there is an ending and it’s hard. feel free to write about it here, as much as you want!
Heidi
Wow! Sounds like he really is ready to leave this earth very soon. It’s going to be a huge shock for your sister to no longer have him to take care of. I know for me, there was so much output taking care of my dog the last few months, that I kind of watched myself finding ways to keep “over” taking care of my mom or the other dogs, because I couldn’t just stop. I’m allowing myself a very slow decline back to a new baseline again.
Oh you are going to miss Bridget. It sounds like she is making a really good decision though. I really hope that wherever you land next, you are valued and appreciated and that you love where you work….AND that you get to stay home!!! That would be amazing!
When is your flight back to the Netherlands again?
Did you decide how you are going to spend your weekend? I hope it warms up enough so you can get out and connect with nature! Maybe go to the dog park and take some pictures!!!
Heidi
Oh what a beautiful story about Windy! That must have made your heart burst with love and connection to see her that way! How special! That really made me smile.
I’m happy to remind you as many times as you need, that being the best version of yourself is also honoring 🙂 I hope it is able to relieve some of the guilt you carry.
Totally understand now what you meant about the guy asking for exclusivity. Makes sense!
Glad the cookies turned out great! I’m going to make some chocolate chips ones tomorrow. I also am housebound as a cold front came in and it’s -17F. In the 10 years I’ve lived here, it’s never been that cold. A bit tough with the dogs. It is taking several times of running out really fast and back in before they get all emptied out. Their paws end up hurting after about a minute. So housebound we are for a couple of days. It’s cozy actually. I know you love your house, so I’m hoping you are soaking it all in and filling up before you have to head back.
Heidi
I love your horse stories! Share as many funny memories you have with them, as you want! How fun. You really were involved with them. I know once kids come into the picture, everything changes…as it should. I would love it if you somehow were able to start riding again and bonding with a new horse. Such powerful and etheric beings! When my first dog passed, I was house/dog sitting at a ranch and the neighbor was out riding (she competes in reigning) and she asked if I wanted to go for a ride. I said sure. She had never done that before, so I thought it was strange. My do had passed the day before and I wasn’t eating and I was just seriously depressed. She knew that and was trying to help. After the ride (maybe 30 minutes) I walked into the house and I all of a sudden had an appetite and I felt like I had shifted into being functional again. That horse energy had helped me soooooo much. I was being “worked on” while riding that special being. What a gift! I will never forget that!
How do I honor my parents and be there for them and yet keep my mental health and not get drawn into their dis-functionality? I remember you saying this before. It seems you have this story in your mind about what it means to “honor” your parents. Do you really think that it’s honoring your parents to be involved in their mess and abuse? You actually believe that God is saying “You should honor your parents even though they are abusive and critical to you and they steal away your joy??” If that’s the God you believe in, then you are believing in a God who is not loving and caring to ALL his beings. Scripture is debatable, not literal. I’m sure with all you have studied, you have come across SEVERAL interpretations to even just 1 word. What does it mean to “honor” your parents? You could believe it means exactly what you think – take care of them in need – OR it could mean honor your parents by being the best version of yourself possible. Isn’t that honoring too? Being the best version of yourself means NOT being around them because they bring out the worst in you AND you around enabling and supporting them in being in their dysfunctional patterns….so is that honoring to bring out the worst in them and you??? Rhonda…you have been carrying around this guilt for a long time and you are using this verse to support why you should feel guilty instead of working with your guilt and letting your heart be free of it. Are you willing to let it go yet? That guilt is destructive to your spirit and impacts you in ways you are not even aware of.
I’ll date several men until one asks for an exclusive relationship. What??? You are just going to wait and see who asks for exclusivity? That is a statement of woman who is giving away her power to the man. Maybe you didn’t mean it that way. I don’t know, but I would rather hear you saying “I’ll keep dating until I find a man who inspires the best in me and meets my standards.”
I’m so glad you got to make your cookies. How did they turn out? It sounds like she is a good person to give you some inside scoop about these guys. A good person to know!!!!
Heidi
What a sweet story about your dog. They DO let us know, don’t they? I’m glad you were listening and able to fully receive him in your home. How long did you get to have him? How did your horse come into your life?
Shumba, my dog who just crossed over, was a blessing in disguise. The owner at the time was a client of mine (in the gym). She was a therapist and energy healer and she had worked on my previous dog a few times at the very end, helping her release any energies keeping her sick. Then she died. My client suggested that I come over whenever I wanted and walk Shumba, as I was really needing dog energy. I normally don’t do things like that, but something in me said yes. So I would go over about once a week and Shumba and I would go on a walk. Then it turned into me taking him every weekend from Friday to Sunday. We would go everywhere together into the mountains and go on hikes. The owner said that every time I left, he would pout and every time Friday would come around, he would know and wait for me by the door. One time when I walked into the house, he jumped up and put his front paws on my shoulders and tried to pull me to him – like he was giving me a hug. It was so amazing!
They rescued him in Africa. They were living in Zimbabwe and the mom was going to come back to Boulder while the dad stayed – so they rescued Shumba from a pretty horrible place and Shumba became the dad’s dog and stayed in Africa. Then they shipped Shumba to Boulder after about 5 years since the dad was starting to move countries again for work. The dad would come home to Boulder every 4-5 months and Shumba would be elated. Well…one time when I brought Shumba back, the dad was there to greet us. Shumba went up to him and was a little excited, but then just came right back to me. We all went into the house and talked a bit and Shumba ended up laying down, being very quiet and pouting. The father said “Wow, you really exercised him. He is really tired right now.” I knew he wasn’t. I knew Shumba was pouting. The mom, being the very bold person she is, said “No, he is pouting and doesn’t want Heidi to leave.” That week while the father was home, Shumba didn’t sleep with him or really interact with him very much – which was very unusual. The mom knew Shumba had bonded to me.
Shumba was the kind of dog that needed 1 person to invest in. First, it was the dad, then it was their daughter. The daughter had moved to Washington D.C. for a new job, a few months before I came into the picture, and she didn’t take Shumba. So he was “personless.” The mom saw what was happening and talked to her family about giving him to me. The mom was home alone with her own dog, 2 horses and 3 cats, so I think offering Shumba to me, was more of a relief for her. So about 3 months after my first dog passed, Shumba officially became mine. My first dog was not a very affectionate or connective dog. I had her 16 years and was used to her always being around me, but not letting me pet her for very long. We kind of lived parallel lives. Then Shumba came into the picture and showed me a VERY different experience. He was all about love and connection and it was hard at first. It was soooooo much love coming at me, that I couldn’t quite take it in. I had to create some distance sometimes until I got “used to it.” I think that is the greatest gift Shumba ever gave me. He expanded my ability to give and receive love. Our love felt limitless. Our bond was constant and I felt him with me ALL THE TIME even when we were apart. He was an amazing and transformative relationship. I had more “perfect” moments with him, hiking and being in nature and being so filled up with love and peace, that I never felt like I needed anything more in my life. What a gift. His absence leaves a giant hole in my life. It’s hard to imagine having another dog. I’m not open to it yet, but I know at some point I will be. I just need time to re-calibrate and heal. Thank you for holding space for my story. That felt good to write all of this out.
I guess I feel I owe her as she took care of our parents by herself. You don’t owe her anything. That was HER choice. No one is obligated to take care of anyone. If your sister didn’t do it, then somehow, some way, your parents would have been taken care of. If you want to fly your sister out, only do it because you WANT to, not because you feel “obligated.” That’s a story full of lies that you are investing in. You sister, and your parents, and most people for that matter, CHOOSE to be miserable in their adult lives. When you grow up feeling that way, an addiction/way of life gets established and that misery allows them to stay a victim. Your sister gets to feel like she gets to be the martyr by being the “good” daughter which continues to source her misery. That’s HER choice and nothing you need to feel like you should rescue her from or feel obligated to help her fly out. That is you taking on HER life choices and joining her in supporting that story. Let it go. Let go of any guilt that you didn’t participate. Let go of any shame that you weren’t there for your parents or sister. Let go of any obligation that you should have done or been more for all of them. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s something you want to work on, so you don’t carry that energy around with you.
Your night out sounds like it was just what you needed. You got filled up with connection and new conversations and new people and old friends. I know how lonely you have been feeling…for a long time. I hope you had fun at the concert as well. Any potential love interests? I hope you get to make your cookies!!! I still just don’t have the energy, but I have the recipe now, so I will give it a try at some point.
I really love all the nourishment you are getting while home. I hope something shows up for you where you get to stay home. I know how much happier you will be.
Heidi
