[Heidi G]

Hi Natalie,

I responded to your other post, so we can keep the conversation going over there!

[Heidi G]

Hi Natalie!

Good job for being here and asking your questions! You are wanting to learn and that is the BEST way to grow. I’m so sorry you had to deal with all those years of emotional abuse. Have you been able to work with a therapist to heal the wounds that were created? Were you able to understand more about yourself?

I know the online dating thing is so incredibly confusing. I remember dating when there was no texting. LOL. I miss those days honestly. Dating back then was so much more real and authentic. Online dating has really changed how people interact now…and honestly, the results are more challenging than anything.

Here’s the thing about your situation – does it matter why? I know your mind and heart want to understand what he is doing and why. That’s normal. The thing is, you have never met this guy and he is already behaving like this? RUN!!!! It really doesn’t matter “why” he is behaving like this…it matters that this is how he is behaving. This is enough information for you to know that this guy is not being authentic and honest. Maybe he is married or already in a serious relationship and since you guys planned to meet, he is getting cold feet (you would be surprised how often this scenario happens – once plans get created to meet in person, one person will start to slowly disappear and the other poor person is soooooo confused and wondered what the heck just happened.) I have heard this story soooooooo many times. One survey that came out about 5 years ago showed that around 50% of people on Tinder were already in a serious relationship. Then those people in serious relationships were interviewed as to why they were online dating. You know what the most common answer was??? That they wanted to know if “they still had it.” So they go on, get the attention they are craving, hook people in and then they disappear when it comes time to meet up. I’m not saying this is your situation as I have no clue. What I am saying is that his behavior is a MAJOR red flag.

I personally am very blunt. I would say something like “Hey. Something has changed. We are talking less and you are less responsive to my texts. I have no idea what is happening for you, but I know SOMETHING is happening. We can either talk about it, which I would prefer, or if that is not something you want to do, then it’s best for me to move on. Let me know your thoughts.” Or….you can just let him go and say “Hey. I’m not really feeling the way I want to feel in order to continue moving forward. I wish you all the best! Take care.” Plain and simple.

I know you like this guy. It’s hard to let go of someone you have really enjoyed connecting with – and I know that’s hard to find in the first place. You just don’t want to end up connecting with another emotionally unavailable guy. A guy who is available doesn’t disappear. A guy who is truly invested in you, SHOWS it consistently and makes you part of his life. This guy was that, until he wasn’t. Now that he isn’t and he has pulled back WITHOUT talking to you, it’s letting you know there is something happening for him that makes him not available. So I go back to….does it matter why??? It more matters that he is behaving this way and that is enough information for you to know this guy is not able to sustain a connection with you. So what do you want to do with that?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Irene,

Thank you for being here and sharing your challenges with us! I understand why you feel “tortured” and how incredibly challenging it is to love someone and to have to be in limbo for all of this time. It truly does feel like torture. I have had that feeling a few times before with different men and it’s not the way to live in a relationship. The heart can only take so much.

There is A LOT to address here, but I’m just going to focus on 1 thing here. He is breadcrumbing you. Your heart is STARVING and so he gives you a tiny, tiny breadcrumb by texting you or having sex with you or connecting with you when he is in town and you get sooooooo excited – because you are starving. This is NOT a relationship that has any long term potential. Your job when loving someone, is to love them for EXACTLY who they are, not their potential. You say you love him, but truth is, you don’t love this part of him that is emotionally unavailable. You don’t love this part of him that keeps you entirely confused about how he feels about you. You don’t love that he is sleeping with other women. So is this really love??? Please help! I’m tortured by his unknown status!! You are only tortured because you are not willing to set some standards for yourself, because you want to keep him. You are giving him ALL the power in your life. If you were empowered, you would feel “I am not okay being treated this way, so I’m going to move on.” That’s what you would be saying if you truly accepted him for he is and wants to be. Instead, you are being “tortured” because you are waiting and waiting and waiting for him to finally decide you are worth fighting for. You are wanting him to fight for you, instead of you fighting for yourself.

The most important thing is if he just keeps me around for fun or if I still have a chance to make him become mine, date me and have a relationship with me. Please help! I’m tortured by his unknown status!! You are losing yourself Irene. You have invested and invested and invested in a guy who doesn’t make you feel valuable and important to him – and now you are spinning your wheels trying to figure out “how to make him your boyfriend.” Have you forgotten what you are worth? Would you ever advise a girlfriend to chase after a guy and keep trying to get his attention??? People who chase and end up where you are, have lost their own value and put it into the hands of the person they are chasing. A woman who KNOWS her value, does not chase. She holds strong with a SOLID knowing she is worth fighting for and if a guy does not see that or know that, then he is NOT the guy for her. A woman with confidence and who values her very special, unique and sacred heart, REQUIRES a man to treat her with respect, dignity, kindness and value – anything less than that and he is NOT invited into her life. Where did your standards go? You are saying yes to being treated like you don’t matter. That is NOT on him…that is on YOU for saying yes over and over and over again to him. All this tells me is that you probably feel pretty empty inside and he is a good “target” for you to put your attention on, so you don’t have to feel everything else that lives within you. Thoughts on this? Yes? No?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

oooooh nooooo! That’s awful! I probably would have the same response. That truly sounds very challenging.

I hope you recovered okay. Staying in town to check out the sites sounds so much more lovely!!!

[Heidi G]

Here is some info on adrenals:

Our adrenal glands produce important hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol, which are essential for mounting an effective response to stress. However, these responses are predicated on the notion that the stress response is a short-lived reaction to immediate threats that resolve quickly. When someone experiences ongoing stress, however, such as financial trouble, a demanding job, or chronic illness, the adrenal glands get overextended, and can end up having the equivalent of a nervous breakdown and behave erratically.

The notion that “burned out” adrenals simply stop producing the full amount of hormones needed is inaccurate. What really happens is that exhausted adrenals produce either too little or too much hormone. In both cases, the negative health effects are profound. For example, excess adrenaline can deplete your brain of important neurochemicals, leaving you feeling depressed. Excess cortisol can put extreme burden on your liver, central nervous system and brain. Too little cortisol can wreak its own havoc, and negatively affect thyroid function.

Symptoms of adrenal fatigue may include weakness, lack of energy, trouble concentrating, becoming easily confused, forgetfulness, trouble completing basic tasks, poor digestion, depression, and insomnia. As these symptoms can have multiple causes, additional clues that can point to adrenal fatigue include:

“Crashing” early on and/or throughout your day
You’re tired all day at work, but feel energetic in the evening
You’re exhausted at night but have trouble falling asleep
Feeling unrested after a full night’s sleep
Sweating excessively when performing light tasks (due to your endocrine system working overtime to compensate for lack of adrenaline)
Feeling thirsty and can’t seem to quench your thirst, you have dry mouth, or crave salt
Blurry vision or difficulty focusing (cortisol can dehydrate the body, including the eyes)
Craving stimulants. If you’re reaching for cigarettes, caffeine, and/or sugary snacks to keep you going, you may be instinctively substituting your diminishing adrenal hormones.
A Natural Approach to Adrenal Fatigue

Eating only three times per day can be tough on the adrenal glands, because your adrenals release cortisol if your blood sugar drops too low between meals, which brings your blood sugar back up. So if you frequently go without eating for long stretches, you’re straining your adrenals and not giving them a chance to recuperate. Thus, you can support your adrenals by eating a light, balanced meal every 90 minutes to two hours. This helps keep your blood sugar steady throughout the day so that your adrenals don’t have to interfere, giving them a chance to rest and restore themselves.
Ideally your meals should contain a balance of potassium, sodium, and natural sugar (i.e. from fruits, which contain critical nutrients, not table sugar!)

Examples of adrenal-supportive meals include:

A date (potassium), two celery sticks (sodium), an apple (sugar)
Half an avocado (potassium), spinach (sodium), an orange (sugar)
A sweet potato (potassium), parsley (sodium), lemon squeezed on kale (sugar)
These examples needn’t be substitutes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but they help keep your blood sugar steady between those bigger meals.

Other foods that support adrenal health include sprouts, asparagus, wild blueberries, bananas, garlic, broccoli, kale, raspberries, blackberries, romaine lettuce, and red-skinned apples. These foods help strengthen the nervous system, reduce inflammation, ease stress, and provide critical nutrients for adrenal function.

The Role of Fats and Carbohydrates

In addition to the above recommendations, moderating your fat intake is also helpful. This is because a very high-fat diet burdens your pancreas and liver, which can negatively impact blood sugar levels. To get a full explanation of how this works, read my book Liver Rescue. When your blood sugar is not under control, it creates a massive strain on your adrenals as they struggle to produce hormones to compensate.

While lower-carb diets have some benefits, keep in mind that your body needs good-quality carbohydrates for energy, and a diet that is too low in carbs also strains your adrenals. Just ensure that the carbs you eat come from nutritious foods like fruits and vegetables, not pastries, candy, and soda!

Complete avoidance of stress is unrealistic, but you can take steps to ensure that your body is equipped to cope with whatever life throws at you. By consuming healthy, nutrient-dense foods at regular intervals, you nourish every aspect of your being—and give your adrenal glands a well-deserved break so that they can help you when you really need it.

So, my latest theory that i’m testing out is the Source of Energy! What an interesting POV. I think it’s one your super powers. When you want to, you are quite brilliant at finding a way to shift your perspective to look at something from a different angle – in an effort to shift your resistance to it. Well done! It feels like the majority of people in my small little slice of life, are tired. There seems to be a theme of just “wanting to rest and take a break” from life. People are needing to increase their self care a lot more. It feels like it’s been like that since Covid hit. So much has changed and people are still trying to figure out how to do this new version of life they are dealing with. I’m glad you are taking the weekend and getting your hair cut and just going to rest. It’s important!

I look forward to hearing your perspective about JB and God!

[Heidi G]

You are seeing God’s creation! I love that you are nuts and did that. Well done! That’s one of the reasons you went there! Can’t wait to hear about it!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

You SHOULD get award for having the most posts! You are one of the few who really take advantage of this and I love it! It puts a huge smile on my face that you feel like this is a safe space for you. It’s a very important thing to have in life. Everyone should have a safe space somewhere!

Wow! It does sound like your adrenals are tapped out. Adrenaline is such a dangerous thing for the body for extended periods of time. I love that you are tested each day. Just curious, what hormone reset program are you doing? I’ve researched this topic quite a bit and know a lot, but I always like to keep learning and hearing different approaches.

Thank you for your well wishes this year. I wish you the very same vibe!!! Good to hear from you!

[Heidi G]

Hi Kaydance,

Just checking in. We never heard back from you, so I’m wondering how you are doing with everything. Has anything changed? Any other questions?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Deborah,

Just checking in. How are you processing and feeling about your situation? Any thoughts about what I said?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

So trying to bring that out a bit more. If you feel this is how you need to approach it, then have at it! Enjoy yourself!

It sounds like there is going to be quite a bit of stuff to figure out as you come back home. Sheesh!!!! What a pain in the butt, but at least you will be home and being well nourished by the mountains, your house, your friends etc. It will all be worth it by then! I’m so excited you get to be back home.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Yikes! That sounds incredibly miserable! I hate being cold too! It’s the worst!!!! Hopefully all of that has passed and it’s becoming more liveable. Yuuuuk!!! Very soon!!! End of February, right? What’s your official last day there? Feb 28th? I think that’s what you alluded to before. I’m glad you turned down the global job. The increase in pay did not at all sound like it would be worth the challenge. Your heart thanks you for protecting it!!! Good job!

Yes, what Matt is talking about is what is most important. Be yourself. It doesn’t guarantee a lot of anything, but what it DOES guarantee is that the guy who IS attracted to you, will want you and be inspired by you, just as you are.

You have researched and are still researching quite a bit about “how to….” flirt, get a guy etc. Have you ever thought about taking the focus off of the “guy” and instead focused on yourself? This pattern you are aware of that is still influencing you some (I know it’s gotten better over the years), can be cleared and worked on if you focused only on yourself – what about researching how to heal your wounds, releasing your baggage, learning about yourself on a much deeper level, improving self love. I know it’s not near as exciting as researching about how to get a guy, but in the end, what we ALL need is to shine the light on ourselves – and the right person will come along at the right time and NOT because we are flirting in any specific way or saying the right things or doing something specific. They will enter our lives because it is time for them to – simple as that. And they will naturally be excited and inspired by you, just because you are who you are. True, authentic love is NOT inspired by doing anything other than just BEing.

Thoughts?

[Heidi G]

Hi Jeanne,

You are over-reaching. The issue is, this guy really isn’t that invested in you. You are wanting more from him than he is willing to offer. You want to be cared about, noticed, sought after, connected with and feel important. Those are all really healthy needs. This guy cannot give that you. You texted him that message because you are wanting to feel more from him. He knows it and instead of being up front and honest with you, he is not responding. No unusual though, considering how he has treated you thus far.

So I go back to asking you this…are you willing to let this guy and start dating a guy who is emotionally available? If you want to stay with this guy and keep connecting with him, you are going to have to go HIS speed…not yours. YOu are going to need to put your needs on the backburner and just wait until he takes things further…if he ever does…who knows.

What you need to truly embrace and accept is that you got so upset because you are more invested in him than he is with you – and you feel that and know that. How he treated you that night is a pretty clear indication of that. But you can’t get mad at him for it. He hasn’t changed. He is the same guy…but you are changing. You probably started out being okay with how things were but have grown to really like him after 4 months – and you naturally have started to want more from him.

So I suggest that you get REALLY clear about what you want BEFORE reaching out to him again.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jeanne,

Yes, this guy is for sure a slow mover. Most likely, if you want anything from him, it’s going to have to be you to chase after it. Know that you are setting yourself up to be with a guy who doesn’t initiate most likely. You are going to have to be the one to get things moving. This just may be how he has been his entire life, or it may be something he has become as he aged and had more experiences. Either way, is this something you can accept about him? Are you sure you really want to spend your energy chasing after a guy? What your friend is experiencing is something much more normal. Would you be willing to date other guys and get your needs met through someone else?

I would not ask for more cuddling. That is taking things up a notch from just hanging out at the bar. I would suggest to just ask for hanging out at one of your houses. I would not pursue anything beyond that. Just see how that goes and see if he might initiate something when you guys are alone for longer periods of time. If he isn’t even willing to hang out privately, then I highly doubt he would be willing to cuddle.

Turn your “hangout” into something more interesting. Do you like to cook? Maybe you can say something like, “Hey…I found a new recipe I want to make. You interested in coming over and trying it out with me?” How about dinner and movie at my place instead of the bar this week? Make it feel “light” otherwise he might not go for it. My guess is, any hint at you wanting something more from him, like cuddling, might scare him away.

Does this help?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jeanne,

I just wanted to check in. Would love to hear more of your thoughts and questions! Any thoughts about what I said?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda,

It sounds like you are pretty clear with the direction you want to head in. I know Bob has been difficult to work for and you will absolutely continue to have challenging moments with him. Regardless, it sounds like it will be less to deal with compared to the global position. Watching what Bridget went through can give you a pretty clear idea about what you would be stepping into and that sounds awful.

Not sure this really helped – just reflecting back to you what you wrote. Trust your guidance.

Heidi

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