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Hi Kaydance!
Welcome! We are glad you are here. I just have a few questions so we can better guide you through your situation.
1. How old are you guys?
2. I’m a little confused. You said your “ex” partner, but you said you just moved into a trailer with him. What is your current situation?
3. How can the relationship be unhealthy?
4. What specifically does he want to work on for himself? How does he plan on going about that?
5. The problem is that we are both very young and he wants me to go after his dreams, and he really wants to work on himself. I’m gessing this is a typo, but he wants YOU to go after HIS dreams? Can you clarify this for me?I really feel that he’s the one for me. I’m going to burst your bubble a bit here. There is no such thing as “THE ONE.” What IS real, is “THE ONE for right now.” There are no guarantees of long term success in a relationship. It takes work, it takes commitment and it takes A LOT of growing in the same direction. Love is NOT enough to make a relationship last and be healthy. It is required, of course, but it is NOT what keeps 2 people together. So “the one” is really only saying that there is a deep love and connection that exists and those 2 people are willing to explore that love and connection and take a journey together. That’s all “the one” is. How long that journey lasts – who knows. I’ve had a handful of deep relationships in my life. Love can die off, we move on and then another love shows up somewhere along the way. Each love is different and brings out a different side in you. Love is like a tree. You are the tree trunk and the branches represent the different loves you will have in your life. One branch can be full of life and leaves and color for a while and then there is an ending and that branch will die off. Then a new branch will grow.
“The one” usually feels like a person who is extra familiar for some reason. Some people believe it’s someone you have had past lives with before and some will say it’s your second half from God. Either way, I know the depth of love feels amazing and wonderful and it sounds like that is what you are experiencing. I wish it were enough though and it just isn’t. How 2 people move through the world, their skills, their mindsets, their direction….all those things influence how that love will either grow or come to an end. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Thank you for sharing that! We ALL are capable of causing harm like that…to kids, to animals, to our lovers. The biggest mistake people make is believing they are not capable of something – whether it be cheating, being abusive physically or verbally etc…The thing is, we ALL are capable of anything. With just the right mixture of specific kinds of stress, we will act in a way that is surprising and out of control somehow. What’s most important, is to remember what you are capable of, learn what lead to that behavior and what was triggered in you, and work with that energy – and most of all, really connect to what led to that behavior because that energy can show up again and lead you to the same behavior that you don’t want. I’m glad he was able to forgive you and I’m glad you talked about it with him and that you and his grandaughter were able to get past that moment. That’s a tough one!
Dating is tough and can be very confusing for a lot of people. If you think of your heart as the job and every guy you go on a date with is on an interview, then you can proceed with caution, come up with good questions, be very observant and discerning and move forward only when the “job” requirements are met each time. I personally think that is what is missing most in the dating world. People are not interviewing each other to the level that is important – which basically means people are not valuing their hearts ENOUGH to put someone through the appropriate “interview.” If a guy can’t do the job, he can’t do the job…no matter the level of connection or how he makes you feel. It’s simple, but like I said before, not that easy to say no to those overpowering chemicals.
Is there anything specific you would like to learn more about?
Heidi
Hi Jeanne,
There are so many things that influence how a person interacts sexually. Their religious beliefs, their hormones (or lack thereof), fear from a variety of things, nutrition, exercise, personality and soooo much more. I’d like to invite you to start thinking differently. Have you ever considered talking about it either directly or indirectly to gather more information about how he is feeling or what he is thinking? It’s less about you “doing” something to get more intimacy from him and more about finding out what the core issue is for HIM.
Also, if you do talk with him directly about it, make sure you are clear about EXACTLY what you want from him. Instead of saying “I want more intimacy” (way too general), make sure you are specific. “I’d love to cuddle more” or “I really love holding hands” or “Can we have more kissing? I love kissing you.” But again, you have no idea what is causing him to keep you at a distance with physical intimacy, so I suggest starting to ask some questions about it. I personally am a very direct person, but that may not be comfortable for you. If you prefer to be more indirect, you can say something like “Someone asked me the other day what my favorite morning would look like. I imagined waking up and snuggling with someone I love – maybe having sex. Then getting up and making my favorite breakfast which is fruit and muffins and then going on a nice long walk along the ocean. What would your favorite morning be like?” This is more of an indirect way of learning about how he thinks – you might get some hints as to what he is thinking.
I’m mainly wondering if he is having “challenges” with ED or something. Most men who are super slow to start things up sexually, are nervous or afraid for the woman to find out they struggle in that department. Most men are the last ones to go to the doctor to figure out what’s happening. Just a thought.
Heidi
I love that you feel that both of your marriages were great experiences. Matching with someone is more about having enough likemindedness about how you treat each other. Personality traits and characteristics are less important in how “matching” with each other, although it does help in certain areas – like having a similar way you like to “play” in life. Otherwise, the most important qualities to look for to be a “match” would be having mutual respect, trust, safety and approach to the kind of relationship you want to have.
The one thing I always coach people on when looking for a partner, is looking for the worst in them. That is truly what makes or breaks a relationship long term. So you pay attention to how they treat you, others and themselves during stress. If they are physically or verbally abusive, that obviously is an instant no. Other common patterns are ghosting, stonewalling (not talking to you about it), gaslighting (telling you that you are the problem and the one to blame), victim mentality etc. Basically, anyone who attempts to put their feelings on you or emotionally blocks or runs away from how they feel – those qualities make solving challenges impossible.
The hard part is, it’s difficult to know this about someone when you are first getting to know them. It takes time before your first argument or before you see stressful behavior show up in their life. So….what I personally like to do is ask a particular type of question that will give me a pinhole idea of what kind of person they are. I ask the kinds of questions that expose how they have handled hard situations in their life. For example, “Tell me about the biggest heartbreak in your life. What happened? What did you do?” “tell me about the worst hurt you have ever caused someone. What happened? How did you handle it?” “What are you like when you get really angry or hurt?” “What is the worst betrayal you have ever had to experience?” “What is the biggest lie you have ever told?” I think you get the point. Asking questions about the hardest moments of their life can reveal some interesting things you really want to know about them. The things I look for are: do they still have emotion around those events? what level of emotional intelligence did they have around the situation? do they feel resolved about whatever happened? how do they handle me asking a very personal question? how do they react about showing me their darker side? I’m looking at their relationship with themselves and their self esteem in their worst moments and I’m looking at how they handled those challenging moments and I’m looking at how they tell me – emotional, non emotional, don’t care etc. I store all of that in my mind and then I look to see if what they told me actually lines up with how they behave in life – because of course it’s tempting for them to lie or not tell the full truth. For example, if they tell me they really believe in talking things through – I will test that and find something small to confront them about and see if their words and actions line up. One time, I put a guy through the wringer by intentionally being late, then having to go back home to get something I forgot, then I spilled water on him at the restaurant, then I asked to go home early because I wasn’t feeling well…..yes, I did all of that on purpose to see how he handled things not going the way he planned. I was really starting to like the guy, but that night showed me a side to him that was not okay for me. I’m not saying you need to go to those lengths – I’m just educating you about ways to learn about someone’s dark side, as that is where the dealbreakers live.
I’m really curious what your thoughts are on this.
Heidi
I think I finally came to that realization, that I could not fix what was broken in him– but I tried until it was impossible to try any further. In some way I had to do what I could to restore the relationship, or at least I thought I had to This is the trick our minds play on us when we feel powerless. I personally believe it is the most challenging and uncomfortable feeling in existence. To have to set and watch someone die, watch someone walk away from us, watch someone make decisions that cause harm or whatever – and not be able to stop the train wreck that is going to follow – well…people will do ANYTHING to avoid that feeling of powerlessness. So our minds come up with ways to “solve” a problem as best as we can – of which many times doesn’t change a damn thing and circles us right back around to feeling powerless. It’s an unavoidable feeling that is part of life and learning how to feel it and not run away from it, is probably one of life’s greatest lessons.
There is a wonderful spark that is not reality, I realize, but is so encompassing. It IS encompassing, isn’t it??? It drives me nuts how powerful it is. These feelings pull people into relationships that many times are unhealthy and damaging to one or both parties. This is why “love is blind.” I have seen people negotiate away their standards, just so they could keep feeling the intoxicating chemicals of connection….myself included. I recently did that with a guy who walked back into my life after 20 years. I KNEW KNEW KNEW that he was not at the level I needed, but he felt so amazing! We had this very electric, life giving, fire energy together…but it also was not enough to support the kind of experience I require. Nonetheless, I allowed that energy into my life, because it felt soooooo good – all while knowing it was not good for me. LOL. I totally get it.
I guess I’d have to say what is missing is the intimacy. I first want to ask, what kind of intimacy? Second, I bring you back to a question I asked earlier. What is it that you want a man to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself? This is the ULTIMATE question to play with and to build a relationship with your SELF. Yes…it IS possible to feel complete, whole, fulfilled and happy 100% without romance in your life. Look at this way…there are 1000s of energies that exist. Romance is just one of many experiences to have in life, so if you take the romance path, that means you are saying no to other experiences. You can also say yes to other experiences and no to romance. Anytime any of us believe that we need to experience a certain energy in order to feel complete and whole in our lives, it only builds an “addictive” type of relationship to that energy – we won’t feel complete and whole without it, so we HAVE to have it. The truth is, we don’t HAVE to have anything. The true journey of life, is to figure out how to experience what is right in front of us, the energies that ARE there – and feel complete. That’s tough, isn’t it??? But that’s why that question is so powerful. It shines a light on our true need that we need to learn how to meet ourselves – and not reach for someone else or something else to fix it for us.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Well, you should officially be back in the Netherlands. How were your travels? Hopefully easy and stress free. I really hope you get to come back in March. I know how much more you love it at home. Would you still have to keep working under Bob? I know how difficult it has been to work with him, but maybe getting to be at home will make all the challenges, much easier.
So let’s talk about Matt Boggs. His info is great! I do like the content he puts out into the world. Yes, you tend to live more in your masculine. A lot of people do. It’s not easy accessing the feminine, especially when it comes to emotions and feelings. Our minds LOVE LOVE LOVE to find logical reasons for our challenging feeling, in efforts to stop the hurting or discomfort or confusion. The mind is great, but learning how to use the feminine energies of the heart – it takes great strength, courage and healing woundedness. That’s why most people operate through their minds as they go through their day. It’s a tricky, very layered and subtle thing to be able to navigate heart energy without the ego/mind getting in the way. Matt was speaking literally and figuratively. He was talking about shifting your focus. For example, if you are at the grocery store, you mind has a list of things to buy. Instead, you can put your attention on your heart and say “Is there anything else I should get that would be in my highest good?” And see what comes to mind. You might have 3 different ways to drive to work, so instead of using your mind to decide which way to go, you focus on your heart and ask “what is the best way to go to work today?” This is learning how to use your heart energy as you move through your day. It is a skill. Does this help? Or do you still feel a bit lost?
I thought I’d share some science of the heart and how it’s being studied energetically and how that affects our physical body. This will feed your mind, but understand is important too.
https://www.heartmath.org/heart-coherence/science/Any other thoughts on how I can amplify my feminine energy? I’ve tried being a gracious, joyous receiver and also giving compliments. Hasn’t worked yet. This is your mind looking for a solution to finding a man. Your mind thinks there is some kind of “formula” to bringing a man into your life and what you have done up to this point “hasn’t worked yet.” There is no such thing. This gets frustrating when content is put out there and stories are used to explain the point. That woman Sharon, finally connecting with her man, is NOT just about her stepping into her feminine energy. That’s probably the least of it. Connecting with someone to take a long term journey with you is INCREDIBLY layered and dynamic and full of MANY MANY unseen elements at play. So Sharon stepping more into her feminine and all of a sudden having better dates – it just isn’t as simple as Matt is explaining it to be. I get why he used her as an example, but it also is misleading.
And when Matt said that her being in her masculine caused the men she dated, to step into their feminine and that caused no attraction…that also is not true. Sharon may have been in her masculine energy, but that DOES NOT mean that a man steps into his feminine. If a guy does that, he does it because he feels the need to do that, for whatever reason, but SHE is NOT the reason – they are their own reason.What is always most important here Rhonda, is for you to more deeply connect into your heart wisdom to the truth – the truth being that you are loveable JUST AS YOU ARE. You are not doing anything right or wrong and there is NOTHING you need to “fix” or “change” in order to find your guy. That’s your mind trying to find a solution to what you believe the problem is – still being single. WHat if you were single for the rest of your life Rhonda? What kinds of feelings does that bring up in you? What kind of life do you think you would have? What would you feel about that life?
Heidi
Hi Jeanne,
Welcome! I am soooo so sorry you have had to go through losing your husband. How long ago did he pass? How are you feeling about his passing and about your life in general?
he kisses me and we both go to our own homes, I don’t know if this is normal. How long have you been dating this guy? I want to steer you away from the word “normal.” It’s important to more pay attention to what is “normal” for the people dating. Every couple is different and it’s a dangerous thing to compare to others. Stay focused on yourself, your interactions together, how you feel around each other and keep learning. I love that you are here taking that step to learn! Good job!
I understand your future goals are the same, but what are some other reasons you would like to see this work? What is your need to increase sexual intimacy with him? Building friendship and going slow is an AMAZING way to really get to know someone, without all the sex stuff getting in the way.
Any more details you are willing to share are helpful.
Heidi
I’m really glad you are finding this information helpful! There is so much more to share, so any questions you have, ask away!
Yes, it was not possible to help my first husband feel useful once the kids were old enough to be able to be more independent, and yet I might have tried the small things more… Even if you did do more small things often, it would not have changed the core wound living within him, that made him feel useless. It wasn’t your job to fix anything within him. It was and always will be your job to be the best version of yourself possible and continue to grow and that’s it. Whatever is making someone else feel unhappy, that is THEIR journey to take within themselves.
You haven’t really answered my question. What do you feel is missing that you think a man can provide for you?
Heidi
It’s important to understand that the hero instinct, the concept at it’s core, is about a man meeting the needs of a woman, but more from a man’s perspective. Meeting emotional needs of a woman is something entirely different. When you ask a man for help with something non emotional, it’s tangible, there is a start and an end and there is a reward at the end – he made his woman’s life easier and it was in a short amount of time. Asking a man for emotional needs is an entirely different thing and typically an ongoing process with no end in site. So the hero instinct more appeals to an aspect of men that really make them feel empowered. Does this make a little more sense as to why asking for emotional support wasn’t really enough for your previous husband? A good guideline to understand and follow is “small things often.” It comes from the Gottman Institute – a place that has studied how to make relationships successful. It’s the idea that people are finding small ways to add to the “relationship bank” – small, daily deposits – so that when things go seriously south and become challenging – because they always will – there is enough “money” in the bank to support that challenging time. Using the hero instinct technique is one way to put deposits into the relationship bank.
I’m glad you are clear about what your parameters are. That is so incredibly important to understand about yourself and most of all, honor about who you are. It’s tough in the dating world, especially since online dating became the primary way for people to connect. There are a lot of failures and some successes. There is no particular formula to find that guy who matches you. What I always tell people is this….live your life. Whatever you feel is missing from your life, fill it yourself. Complete yourself. Then…when someone enters your life, they only add to it, instead of fill you up. This is the most healthy kind of relationship you could ever have – 2 people who connect because they expand each other and NOT because they are filling whatever is missing in each other. The question I always ask is this….what are you wanting from him, that you are not doing for yourself? This is a tough question and one that most people really don’t want to explore, because ultimately, it means developing your relationship with yourself instead of using “outside” forces, people, things to take care of you. Is that a question you are willing to explore? The goal here is to feel fulfilled and content and not needing anything more than what you have today, in order to feel more happy and nourished in your life. Does it mean you don’t invite a man into your life? No, it just means you don’t crave or need a man to make you feel fulfilled and content and nourished, because you already do that for yourself in various ways.
Does this make sense?
Heidi
What are you waiting for??? This kind of pain is awful and breathing, exercising and reading Bible verses, DOES NOT directly help you face the pain. It manages it and helps, but it doesn’t help you process the betrayal, the loss of your dreams, the loss of your “family” the loss of your life! This is a REALLY big deal. What is stopping you from talking to someone and getting help. I imagine you want your husband to get some help. Things cannot just go back to being the way they were. Your relationship has been changed forever. You CANNOT ask for him to get any kind of help if you are not willing to do the same for yourself. This is not something that will just go away. You will be living with this betrayal forever unless you start to learn how to forgive, clear the hurt and release all the other layers of pain that come with something this big.
Again, what is stopping you?
Heidi
Hi Sue!
Welcome! We are REALLY glad you are here! I love love love your thoughts and questions. There is actually a TON to talk about here, so lets just start with these few questions I have and then we can go from there.
1. You are 2x widowed. Wow! That’s very challenging. I’m sorry you have had to go through this 2x already, but I also love you are willing to open up to a new experience. How long has it been since your last husband transitioned? With the 2 husbands you have had, did you really enjoy both relationships? Did you feel they were both nourishing and healthy?
2. What do you feel is missing? What do you feel a man in your life can bring you that you don’t have now?
The hero instinct is not REALLY about him “rescuing,” although it does sound like that. It’s more about bringing out the best in him. Men LOVE to help, generally speaking. So do women. When we ask for help from someone (even though we technically don’t need it), it creates a bond, it allows a moment where someone gets to be in their heart and feel good about giving and helping and it allows the person asking to feel supported and not alone. That’s more what this “hero” thing is about. One of the top needs a man has in a relationship is feeling appreciated. So asking for “help” with something, even if you don’t need it, provides and opportunity for them to feel appreciated and good about themselves. Does this make a little more sense? It’s NOT about convincing a man that you NEED him, it’s about helping him feel he is part of your life. A lot of women these days are quite independent. These days, both men and women have had to figure out how to do it ALL and many times, alone. One of the side effects of that, is not asking for help in life. For example, there have been a GAZILLION times that someone has asked if I needed help carrying something to my car. 99% of the time, I don’t, but many times, I accept the help. For me, it’s my practice of being in a “receiving” space, especially since I do everything myself. It also allows for a little conversation, it allows for connection, it allows for the other person to feel useful – and sometimes, that moment of receiving allowed me to offer guidance about something that I sensed and they were able to receive from me too. Thoughts on this?
I understand your desire to stay off of technology. It can be pretty brutal. One of the best ways to meet someone likeminded, is to be and go places where other likeminded people go. The gym, hikes, exercise classes, cooking classes, travel classes etc. Have you ever tried meetup.com? It’s NOT a dating site. It’s a site where people offer classes, events etc. for people who are interested in “stuff.” Hiking, travel, dogs, science, exercise…you name it! You just look at groups in the category you are interested in and you can sign up for their events.
Thoughts so far?
Heidi
This all makes soooo much more sense now and I hope it is for you to. However, as you said, you can understand a situation, but it doesn’t take away the pain.
The reasons he gave seem very similar to the reasons he gave me, but when I asked about it he got upset and said he did not like me psychoanalyzing his past all the time. Anytime a guy says, “stop over analyzing me” RUN the other way!!! I could be a millionaire if I got a dollar for every time I heard that from a guy. Let’s really break that down into what a guy is saying when he says that. It means DO NOT know me. DO NOT understand my behaviors. DO NOT put a magnifying glass onto my choices and feelings. LEAVE ME ALONE! What he is also saying, which is THE MOST important thing to pay attention to is….STOP BEING YOU. You were just asking questions with the intent understand him deeper and he is basically telling you to shut that part of you off and stop getting to know him. If all he ever said to you was that…I would have told you run the moment he said it. That is you hitting the first wall around his heart. We ALL have walls around our hearts, but what you are looking for is a guy who is willing to bust through those walls because his desire for love and connection is GREATER than his fear. For your guy, it’s the other way around.
He is also obviously still incredibly upset and angry about his parents. DANGER DANGER DANGER!!! The way he shuts you out is letting you know how he treats himself. He shuts it all down and buries it. That means, down the road, he is going to explode somehow. As long as he holds onto his anger and resentment, it will continue to grow and fester and get bigger and bigger. It will ruin every relationship he will ever have. He will continue to blame everyone else for how he is feeling and at some point, all of the anger will turn into rage and there will be consequences for that. He is not emotionally available and never has been for you. At the same time, I understand he is a really good person, very respectful and kind and treated you really well. That’s the surface him and now you are dealing with the deeper him that is much more unhealthy and unavailable for you.
The thing is, there were big red flags from the beginning. This is where the saying “love is blind” comes in. You fell in love with him despite those red flags. You kept ignoring the signs that he is not set up to be happy….he is too angry and had NO interest in you truly knowing him, despite what a good guy he is. He is not selfish – he is wounded. He is deeply hurting and not willing to face it. It breaks my heart how much he is suffering inside. He would never admit to that because his system locks everything away so tightly, but he suffers nonetheless.
Or maybe I am not the right girl, which hurts so much. You are NOT the right girl. You wanted to know him deeply and intimately and that makes you the wrong kind of girl for him. Over time, you would have felt more and more alone in the relationship. A guideline to ALWAYS follow in ANY relationship…a person cannot give what they don’t have. Your guy does not love himself very well – therefore he would never have been able to love you. Your capacity is greater than his, therefore, in enough time, you would have felt alone because you have to ability to know him deeply, but because he barely knows himself beyond the surface, he never would have been able to know you beyond the surface. Think about it….did he ask you a lot of questions about yourself? Did you feel he was curious about you? Or were you the one always asking him the questions? If he did ask you questions, they probably were never very deep. he probably just stayed on the surface when it came to getting to know you, yes?
More I reflect the more I realized that he really needs to go through this period of growth on his own, no matter how hard it is for me to let go. He is not the growing type, so maybe REALLY understanding and accepting who he is, can help your heart let him go with no hope. Your fantasy about the possibility of getting together in the future is based on him changing. That’s not fair to him. When you truly love someone, that means you accept and love ALL of them, not just the good parts.
Knowing and understanding what you are seeing about him now – knowing he is not a good partner for love – if he came to you and asked to get back together, would you? He isn’t going to change. He is going to still be who he is.
Heidi
Hi Emma,
Wow! What an update. I’m not surprised and I’m sure there is a part of you that wasn’t surprised either. It was through your words and description of him that led me to believe he was involved with someone else.
what is the need to go and his reasons was he wronged her and me and should face in person, that’s what good people do. There is no truth in this. He is making excuses and this “story” he has about doing this in person is just another way to see her. He doesn’t need to end things in person. It’s simple enough to end things over technology – seeing her in person is actually quite emotionally dangerous.
He want me to understand and feel sorry for all the pain he had caused… I told him that he was not sorry , words is cheap…you show that your are remorseful by your actions until then I am not accepting that you are sorry. What are the “actions” you are looking for?
It is so difficult to end, I am giving myself until April. But for the meantime I am focusing on myself and children. I come a long way. What is happening in April? Why then? What are you actually giving yourself?
He said that he is not leaving his family. I am consciously believing it. He already left you guys many months ago. He has been cold and emotionally unavailable for so darn long, so just because he is physically choosing to stay, at least for right now, means absolutely nothing. He has broken trust and emotional safety on so many levels. How does he propose he enters back into connection with you and the kids? Besides, if he doesn’t do the internal work that caused him to cheat and lie all this time, then all it is, is breeding ground for another incident to occur. Just because he decides to “stay” does NOT mean that all those feelings he is using alcohol to escape from, go away. He is in BIG trouble emotionally.
If I let him go now it is hljust giving him a silver platter, he has to do the dirty work not me. Any thought. What silver platter are you giving him? Any decision you make moving forward needs to be about YOU and is best for you. YOU need to process what has happened. YOU need to face the hurt and anger you feel about this and your need for revenge and for him to be in pain too. All of these feelings are absolutely normal and valid, but they still need to be faced and worked with. You cannot ask him to do all the emotional work if you are not willing to do the same. Maybe consider working with a professional now?
I am soooooo so sorry Emma. This breaks my heart to hear. It is so incredibly tough to feel fooled and betrayed on this level. It’s awful and painful. What are you doing to help yourself through this?
Heidi
He says that he felt like I was making plans and forcing him to do them (even though when I asked he said he wanted to) Yikes! So this is a MAJOR red flag. He is playing the victim role here. He is a grown adult and for him to blame you for “forcing” him, especially when he said yes, is a guy who isn’t willing to take responsibility for himself and being a full blown adult. That statement comes from child energy, not an adult energy. My guess is, he has felt “forced” many times because he probably was forced, as a child, to do many things he didn’t want to do. I imagine he probably felt like his feelings, his needs, his wants, his opinions didn’t matter to his caretakers. Therefore, he would have learned to say “yes” as a programmed type of response – and it sounds like that program is still at play here.
He also said that it was overwhelming at times to give me attention long distance and that he felt that I sometimes took his time for granted. How? What SPECIFICALLY were you doing that made him feel like you took his time for granted? Again, where is he using his voice to speak up and ask for what he needs? ANOTHER red flag. It’s the same red flag actually. He isn’t being authentic. My guess is, he probably is too afraid to be authentically himself, state is REAL needs and stop trying to make everyone else happy in order to keep the peace.
The more I have reflected the more I am so deeply hurt by his actions and words. I understand. It hurts to hear those things, especially when there really is nothing you are doing to cause any harm on purpose. He is dumping all of this onto you without really talking with you about it and then creating a space for change. The thing is, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!!! This is about HIM not having the strength to be honest about his needs as well as creating a very strong story inside his mind that he is the “victim” of your needs. Again, VERY childlike thinking. He is still quite wounded and carrying around that baggage, that acts as a barrier to love. He may have loved you the most, but he is also not set up to have deep, intimate love with anyone. He has a lot of walls up that will always prevent him from having the kind of love that you want to have with him. He is quite limited.
then he was keeping a list of “red flags.” It is like he was trying to find reasons why it wouldn’t work This just supports everything I have already said. His system is not set up to love deeply and freely, so he can’t help it. He will automatically make those “red flag” lists with anyone and find “reasons” why the love won’t work. It’s a way to stay “protected” and not get hurt. No doubt, his upbringing is influencing how he interacts with love. Do you know anything about his past? How is his relationship with his parents? Siblings? etc…The so-called red flags he has on you are again, about HIM and his VERY strong relationship with fear – it has nothing to do with you. He will do this to every single potential romantic interest. His love will ALWAYS be limited and he will ALWAYS find ways to sabotage the connection when it gets too close to his heart. Most people do that actually – and sadly, very few are aware they are even doing it. If you understand that it’s estimated that somewhere around 80% of our decisions, thoughts, feelings and emotions are being influenced by the subconscious, then you can understand that the majority of what people THINK they feel, is being sourced from a place they have no clue about.
He is a good person and I am so angry, but disappointed and so so sad. I’m trying to be strong but nothing is making sense. Of course he is a good person. You wouldn’t love him otherwise. He is just a limited person when it comes to love and is not able to offer you what you want and need. He is not set up for that. He would need to do A LOT of internal work and he would need to wake up to his patterns and start to “dissect” them so he can grow and learn. It doesn’t sound like that is the path he is interested in taking. That, in and of itself, makes him a very difficult partner to be with long term. He will just continue to blame you for how he feels and never really grow and learn about the baggage he is carrying and how it affects you.
Letting go of love deeply hurts, especially when you have built your entire future around him. You thought you had found your person and you fully invested in him and building a loooong life together. The thing is, you are now seeing other parts of him that you didn’t see before, that are showing you he is not built for that. He sabotages and his fear is much bigger than the love he has for you – and he doesn’t even know it. All he knows is that his system is telling him “I need space” and he isn’t stopping and asking himself, Why? What’s happening? What am I REALLY feeling? Instead he says YOU are smothering and YOU forced him into things. I wish love were enough, but it’s actually the least of what makes a relationship work long term. There is over a 50% divorce rate! That’s because people are choosing partners based on “love” and not really looking at how the relationship actually functions.
Here is THE MOST IMPORTANT defining factor as to whether a relationship will work or not – how do they treat you and others and themselves under stress? This is a foundation piece that most people ignore – yet it is one of the most powerful legs of the foundation. You CANNOT build trust and safety in a relationship with a guy who isn’t authentic, blames you for how he is feeling and breaks up with you because of that. I know some of this may not make sense to you, but does it really matter? No. Not really. It doesn’t matter why (although your brain and heart will tell you otherwise) because what DOES matter is this is how he treated you. He bailed, he wasn’t honest all along the way and then the blames you for his feelings. That is NOT a partner to go through life with.
What you want to look for is a guy who is willing to FACE his fears instead of letting them run his love life. You want a guy who has emotional intelligence. He has self awareness, he has an understanding of his patterns and he is interested in working on them. You want a guy who has a NATURAL drive to want to know himself. That is the kind of guy to go through life with, because when the stress shows up in the relationship, he will be someone who takes responsibility for his feelings, he will communicate with you, he will be willing to do the work and he will have ways that he faces his fears and he will have friends or people that help hold him accountable and that he submits to. Anything less than this kind of approach to life, you will find VERY difficult to be in a relationship with.
I know you thought this guy was your dream guy and everything was amazing and wonderful. The truth is though, it wasn’t. It may have been for you, but it wasn’t for him – and it’s not your fault that you didn’t know that – he hid himself from you and that’s on HIM!
I’m hoping this maybe brought you more clarity and understanding to your very precious, hurting heart.
Let me know how all of this makes you feel.
Heidi
Hi Michele,
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your challenge with us. There is A LOT to talk about with this, so stick with us as we work through everything.
First things first, is it type 1 or 2 diabetes? Is he doing what is needed to help himself? Is he changing his diet and exercising?
As far as having sex, has he ever gotten tested for his hormone balance? Low or zero libido can come from a MILLION different places. Hormone imbalance, emotional stress, nutrition, lack of exercise which produces testosterone and so many other things. If he hates taking pills, which I totally get, what IS he willing to do? It could be a totally easy and quick fix, once you guys figure out the root cause…or it could be something much more dynamic. Diabetes is NOT the root cause. Diabetes may be causing some kind of response in his body to cause him to not want to have sex, so it’s important to figure that out. What EXACTLY is happening here?
What is your sexual history together? What did sex use to be like? Did you use to feel like his libido was healthy? Or were you the one always initiating sex?
I Feel like an awful woman and wife for needing him. I feel bad for being satisfied and wanting more Now this is interesting. Where does this feeling come from? If you feel bad about this, my guess is, you feel bad about ANY need that you have. Yes? No? This would be something to look at within yourself, because EVERYONE has needs and being in relationship is about figuring out what those needs are and getting them met. Your husband has a need to NOT have sex, so is his need more important than your need to have sex? I would say both of your needs are important and should be valued and listened to. If he isn’t willing to care enough about your needs to work on himself and vice versa, then I would say there are much bigger issues here than sex.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
