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Yikes! That sounds incredibly miserable! I hate being cold too! It’s the worst!!!! Hopefully all of that has passed and it’s becoming more liveable. Yuuuuk!!! Very soon!!! End of February, right? What’s your official last day there? Feb 28th? I think that’s what you alluded to before. I’m glad you turned down the global job. The increase in pay did not at all sound like it would be worth the challenge. Your heart thanks you for protecting it!!! Good job!
Yes, what Matt is talking about is what is most important. Be yourself. It doesn’t guarantee a lot of anything, but what it DOES guarantee is that the guy who IS attracted to you, will want you and be inspired by you, just as you are.
You have researched and are still researching quite a bit about “how to….” flirt, get a guy etc. Have you ever thought about taking the focus off of the “guy” and instead focused on yourself? This pattern you are aware of that is still influencing you some (I know it’s gotten better over the years), can be cleared and worked on if you focused only on yourself – what about researching how to heal your wounds, releasing your baggage, learning about yourself on a much deeper level, improving self love. I know it’s not near as exciting as researching about how to get a guy, but in the end, what we ALL need is to shine the light on ourselves – and the right person will come along at the right time and NOT because we are flirting in any specific way or saying the right things or doing something specific. They will enter our lives because it is time for them to – simple as that. And they will naturally be excited and inspired by you, just because you are who you are. True, authentic love is NOT inspired by doing anything other than just BEing.
Thoughts?
Hi Jeanne,
You are over-reaching. The issue is, this guy really isn’t that invested in you. You are wanting more from him than he is willing to offer. You want to be cared about, noticed, sought after, connected with and feel important. Those are all really healthy needs. This guy cannot give that you. You texted him that message because you are wanting to feel more from him. He knows it and instead of being up front and honest with you, he is not responding. No unusual though, considering how he has treated you thus far.
So I go back to asking you this…are you willing to let this guy and start dating a guy who is emotionally available? If you want to stay with this guy and keep connecting with him, you are going to have to go HIS speed…not yours. YOu are going to need to put your needs on the backburner and just wait until he takes things further…if he ever does…who knows.
What you need to truly embrace and accept is that you got so upset because you are more invested in him than he is with you – and you feel that and know that. How he treated you that night is a pretty clear indication of that. But you can’t get mad at him for it. He hasn’t changed. He is the same guy…but you are changing. You probably started out being okay with how things were but have grown to really like him after 4 months – and you naturally have started to want more from him.
So I suggest that you get REALLY clear about what you want BEFORE reaching out to him again.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Hi Jeanne,
Yes, this guy is for sure a slow mover. Most likely, if you want anything from him, it’s going to have to be you to chase after it. Know that you are setting yourself up to be with a guy who doesn’t initiate most likely. You are going to have to be the one to get things moving. This just may be how he has been his entire life, or it may be something he has become as he aged and had more experiences. Either way, is this something you can accept about him? Are you sure you really want to spend your energy chasing after a guy? What your friend is experiencing is something much more normal. Would you be willing to date other guys and get your needs met through someone else?
I would not ask for more cuddling. That is taking things up a notch from just hanging out at the bar. I would suggest to just ask for hanging out at one of your houses. I would not pursue anything beyond that. Just see how that goes and see if he might initiate something when you guys are alone for longer periods of time. If he isn’t even willing to hang out privately, then I highly doubt he would be willing to cuddle.
Turn your “hangout” into something more interesting. Do you like to cook? Maybe you can say something like, “Hey…I found a new recipe I want to make. You interested in coming over and trying it out with me?” How about dinner and movie at my place instead of the bar this week? Make it feel “light” otherwise he might not go for it. My guess is, any hint at you wanting something more from him, like cuddling, might scare him away.
Does this help?
Heidi
Hi Jeanne,
I just wanted to check in. Would love to hear more of your thoughts and questions! Any thoughts about what I said?
Heidi
Hi Rhonda,
It sounds like you are pretty clear with the direction you want to head in. I know Bob has been difficult to work for and you will absolutely continue to have challenging moments with him. Regardless, it sounds like it will be less to deal with compared to the global position. Watching what Bridget went through can give you a pretty clear idea about what you would be stepping into and that sounds awful.
Not sure this really helped – just reflecting back to you what you wrote. Trust your guidance.
Heidi
I’m so glad you are able to connect into the gift of the experiences you have been able to have over there, regardless of the struggle. That is your beautiful ability to find the light in everything!!! So what is the official decision? Are you going global? Will you get to work from home or do you have to go into an office?
It’s not so much me trynig to hide things about me as me trying to figure out how to please someone. This is the same exact thing. Even though your attention is focused on what makes THEM happy, you are subconsciously hiding yourself and taking yourself out of the equation, because your mother taught you that you were not good enough. With that belief system running deep within your cells, it would be natural to hide and put your focus on them – that is the safest. So regardless, when you are shining the light on someone else’s needs without your needs, feelings, thoughts etc. being part of the equation, you are not being authentic and you are hiding parts of yourself. I know you believe consciously that you are a good catch and that’s how you should feel! AND…there are still parts of you connected to your mom’s programming that are influencing how you date.
Heidi
You don’t have to date to start to develop your emotional intelligence. I developed my skills by practicing on EVERYONE. My family, new friends, old friends, co-workers…anyone I came in contact with, I started practicing my questions, paying attention to my intuition, developing my communication skills etc. And dating can just be a way for you to get to know yourself. It doesn’t have to be about finding a partner. If there is a certain skill you want to practice or develop, then dating is a GREAT platform to do that! It’s how I became a very effective communicator, it’s how I developed my intuition and it’s how I got to know my own fears, limitations and my deeper views on love and men. So the first thing I would suggest is to take the pressure off of dating to “find” someone. Be casual and have some fun getting to know yourself in different ways. I have gone on dates with almost every culture, every shape and size, every level of socio-economic status, from ugly to drop-dead gorgeous. I “traveled around the world” to discover myself – as each kind of guy brought something different out in me – or didn’t. I know that probably sounds exhausting and of course, I’m not suggesting you take the path I did. I’m just suggesting to find another purpose in dating other than finding a partner.
Non-negotiables are tough to figure out, as it’s quite the journey inward. I began developing my non-negotiables in my early 20s (I’m 48 now) and it’s changed, as I have changed. However, some aspects have always stayed the same. Dating is how I would test my non-negotiables. When you think about these, you have to REALLY feel into it. Meaning, if you have a list of 10 non-negotiables and you meet a guy who has 9, is that 10th non-negotiable really non-negotiable? Would you be willing to walk away from that guy? Because non-negotiables represent the qualities you CANNOT live without. Meaning, if these qualities do not exist, then there is NO WAY you will be able to sustain a relationship with this person, because your soul will start to die from starvation. There is NO negotiating away your non-negotiables.
So here are a few of mine:
1. Romance: my soul will absolutely starve to death without romance / passion. Romance makes the love feel alive and vibrant. Romance to me, is when a guy expresses how he feels towards me in various creative ways.
2. High emotional intelligence: I have very high emotional intelligence which allows me to know my partner very well. I can see and feel the depths of who he is. If a guy does not have high emotional intelligence, there is no way he will ever be able to know the depths of who I am and I will end up feeling very lonely.
3. Active: My favorite way to play is by being active. Hiking, a bike ride, long walks, sports, the gym etc. I NEED to be outside using my body somehow. Having a partner who feels the same way is important. Playing in similar ways is a way to bond and deepen the connection. I will never be able to truly bond with a guy who doesn’t need to use his body in the same way. I dated a concert/theatre guy once. It was fun for a while and I could join him on his version of playing, but he was soooo uncoordinated and uncomfortable using his body physically, that it just created a big barrier between us. I couldn’t enjoy him.
4. Spiritual: this is quite a broad category and I have specific things I look for, that I won’t go into here. I have to be with a guy who has a spiritual journey that is similar enough to mine, that we are able to grow and learn together, and have a similar language and approach to our spiritual path. There needs to be a like-mindedness – not exactly, but close enough that we are able to compliment each other as well as challenge each other. It’s such a big part of my exploration in life, if a guy is going to be my best friend, this is an area I need him to be excited about, interested in and participates in.Does this help you understand a little more about non-negotiables?
Heidi
Hi Deborah,
Welcome!!! Wow…what a rollercoaster ride you have been on. It sounds like a crazy strong connection between you guys, but as you are experiencing, it’s bumping up against his fears and limitations that are preventing him from wanting to fully step into an experience with you. I know how confusing it can be to have such a strong connection with someone and have them build it up and then tear it down – repeatedly.
I just don’t know how to walk away and be less than the close level of friendship we developed. There is no “how to” walk away. It’s simply – walk away. The reason you are not able to, is because the connection you feel is stronger to him than it is to yourself. He is not emotionally available for you and not able to offer you what you want. That’s evident. However, I know the feelings and chemistry are so incredibly strong, it’s like a drug. Once you have felt the effects, it feels impossible to let it go because it feels so good – hence you choosing a very unpredictable and unstable connection over choosing self-love. I’m glad you are in therapy, because it will allow you to explore what is happening within you, which makes you want to stay connected to someone who is unavailable for you. One question to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS keep in mind, as you are getting to know someone is this: Is connecting / loving this person, a loving thing for myself? Sooooooo many people love and connect with a romantic partner that is challenging, toxic or not available for a deep journey – therefore making the connection more valuable than their own heart. So experiences like yours can be a VERY important path of self-discovery that can lead to healing and strengthening your standards and requirements and self-love.
I do care about him, and I’ve never met anyone who makes me laugh (or turns me on) like he does. The “first” is always tough. I hear it A LOT where woman say “I’ve never felt or had……with anyone before.” It’s not uncommon to feel like a guy is “the one” or something of that nature when he is able to make you feel ways that you have never felt before. The thing is, what he is making you feel should be common and expected. Imagine if the majority of guys you dated made you laugh and turned you on? Would this guy really be THAT special to you? You have a whole host of other needs, that are JUST AS IMPORTANT, that he is NOT meeting. Just because he is able to make you feel those things DOES NOT qualify him to be able to carefully and respectfully hold your heart. Dating is like a job interview…your heart is the job and you are the CEO. When you go on a date, you HAVE to qualify someone to make sure they can even do the job BEFORE you open up to them. Instead, what you did by choosing this guy, is you enjoyed his company, you enjoyed the “interview” and how he made you feel, but you didn’t actually require any REAL job experience or skills. You like him, so you handed over your very sacred, special, valuable heart. And that’s okay!!!! I’ve done that many times and learned a lot about myself. It’s how we figure out how to better take care of ourselves and love ourselves.
So your job in therapy, is to strengthen your self-love. When your self-love is really strong, then it’s a very natural thing to want to protect your heart and be discerning. It’s a process and takes a while, which is normal, but this is a very important journey you are taking and the gift he has given you, is rejection. I know that sounds awful and how it feels awful – but the gift is knowing your value, choosing yourself and connecting to the amazingness that you are, even when he can’t. A question I always explore with my clients when dealing with rejection is – What are you wanting him to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself? What are you wanting him to fix FOR you?
Thoughts?
Heidi
WOWOWOW!!! So it’s official that you are actually leaving!!! You have been waiting for this moment for a long time. How does it feel now that you can actually see an ending. How do you feel about saying goodbye to the Netherlands and all the places you have had adventures?
Maybe that isn’t a good way to put it, but not feeling that need to find out how to convince a man to like me near as much as I used to. Still not all the way there, but moving in that direction.:) That’s the PERFECT way to put it because it’s true. The way to think is instead of saying “I need to act or be or do something specific to get a man’s attention” you say “I am only interested in being an inspiration to a man just by being myself.” God created you exactly as you are INCLUDING all the messy bits. Although we all have judgment and low self-esteem because of those messy bits, it gives each and every one of us to choose a higher vibration kind of love that embraces all of that. You are a shining star Rhonda WITH those messy bits included. The kind of man that will love you and embrace you and see the powerful light that you are will KNOW you are so much more than those messy bits and worth taking a journey with, because you ADD to his life – just by being you. I love that line in Bridget Jone’s Diary where the guy says “I like you….just as you are.” And that’s how we need to feel about ourselves.
So I’m curious…what parts of yourself do you tend to want to “hide” or “mask” that make you think it’s not loveable? Where does your low self-esteem live? What does that part of you say to yourself when you feel like you need to convince a guy to be with you?
Heidi
I imagine you have decided by now, which position you want to take. It sounds like you were leaning towards the global position. Do you get to work from home or will you need to go into an office in Calgary? Would you get to start in March???
Letting the heart lead and the mind support the heart is quite the dance. It’s an exploration within yourself and requires a feeling of inner safety to allow that to happen. The mind has such a high need to control and when there is still a lot of woundedness/hurt hanging out in the emotional body, the mind believes that “control” is the best way to avoid getting hurt again. I hope you start to practice paying attention to where the energy is coming from that is leading you.
As far as Sharon, yes…what Matt was saying is true. I was just saying it’s not the whole story. I know you believe that how you react and communicate can inspire different responses in a man. While that may be true, it is not the whole story either. God is soooooo much bigger than how we communicate. I personally believe that whether I am in my masculine or feminine, the messy parts or the best parts of me….if I am meant to take a journey with a man, it will happen regardless. That’s why I like to invite people to be less attached to doing or saying things “right” to attract a man and instead focus on developing your inner strength and self-esteem to just be authentic.
Hope you are starting to get some better sleep!
Heidi
Hi Kaydance!
Welcome! We are glad you are here. I just have a few questions so we can better guide you through your situation.
1. How old are you guys?
2. I’m a little confused. You said your “ex” partner, but you said you just moved into a trailer with him. What is your current situation?
3. How can the relationship be unhealthy?
4. What specifically does he want to work on for himself? How does he plan on going about that?
5. The problem is that we are both very young and he wants me to go after his dreams, and he really wants to work on himself. I’m gessing this is a typo, but he wants YOU to go after HIS dreams? Can you clarify this for me?I really feel that he’s the one for me. I’m going to burst your bubble a bit here. There is no such thing as “THE ONE.” What IS real, is “THE ONE for right now.” There are no guarantees of long term success in a relationship. It takes work, it takes commitment and it takes A LOT of growing in the same direction. Love is NOT enough to make a relationship last and be healthy. It is required, of course, but it is NOT what keeps 2 people together. So “the one” is really only saying that there is a deep love and connection that exists and those 2 people are willing to explore that love and connection and take a journey together. That’s all “the one” is. How long that journey lasts – who knows. I’ve had a handful of deep relationships in my life. Love can die off, we move on and then another love shows up somewhere along the way. Each love is different and brings out a different side in you. Love is like a tree. You are the tree trunk and the branches represent the different loves you will have in your life. One branch can be full of life and leaves and color for a while and then there is an ending and that branch will die off. Then a new branch will grow.
“The one” usually feels like a person who is extra familiar for some reason. Some people believe it’s someone you have had past lives with before and some will say it’s your second half from God. Either way, I know the depth of love feels amazing and wonderful and it sounds like that is what you are experiencing. I wish it were enough though and it just isn’t. How 2 people move through the world, their skills, their mindsets, their direction….all those things influence how that love will either grow or come to an end. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Thank you for sharing that! We ALL are capable of causing harm like that…to kids, to animals, to our lovers. The biggest mistake people make is believing they are not capable of something – whether it be cheating, being abusive physically or verbally etc…The thing is, we ALL are capable of anything. With just the right mixture of specific kinds of stress, we will act in a way that is surprising and out of control somehow. What’s most important, is to remember what you are capable of, learn what lead to that behavior and what was triggered in you, and work with that energy – and most of all, really connect to what led to that behavior because that energy can show up again and lead you to the same behavior that you don’t want. I’m glad he was able to forgive you and I’m glad you talked about it with him and that you and his grandaughter were able to get past that moment. That’s a tough one!
Dating is tough and can be very confusing for a lot of people. If you think of your heart as the job and every guy you go on a date with is on an interview, then you can proceed with caution, come up with good questions, be very observant and discerning and move forward only when the “job” requirements are met each time. I personally think that is what is missing most in the dating world. People are not interviewing each other to the level that is important – which basically means people are not valuing their hearts ENOUGH to put someone through the appropriate “interview.” If a guy can’t do the job, he can’t do the job…no matter the level of connection or how he makes you feel. It’s simple, but like I said before, not that easy to say no to those overpowering chemicals.
Is there anything specific you would like to learn more about?
Heidi
Hi Jeanne,
There are so many things that influence how a person interacts sexually. Their religious beliefs, their hormones (or lack thereof), fear from a variety of things, nutrition, exercise, personality and soooo much more. I’d like to invite you to start thinking differently. Have you ever considered talking about it either directly or indirectly to gather more information about how he is feeling or what he is thinking? It’s less about you “doing” something to get more intimacy from him and more about finding out what the core issue is for HIM.
Also, if you do talk with him directly about it, make sure you are clear about EXACTLY what you want from him. Instead of saying “I want more intimacy” (way too general), make sure you are specific. “I’d love to cuddle more” or “I really love holding hands” or “Can we have more kissing? I love kissing you.” But again, you have no idea what is causing him to keep you at a distance with physical intimacy, so I suggest starting to ask some questions about it. I personally am a very direct person, but that may not be comfortable for you. If you prefer to be more indirect, you can say something like “Someone asked me the other day what my favorite morning would look like. I imagined waking up and snuggling with someone I love – maybe having sex. Then getting up and making my favorite breakfast which is fruit and muffins and then going on a nice long walk along the ocean. What would your favorite morning be like?” This is more of an indirect way of learning about how he thinks – you might get some hints as to what he is thinking.
I’m mainly wondering if he is having “challenges” with ED or something. Most men who are super slow to start things up sexually, are nervous or afraid for the woman to find out they struggle in that department. Most men are the last ones to go to the doctor to figure out what’s happening. Just a thought.
Heidi
I love that you feel that both of your marriages were great experiences. Matching with someone is more about having enough likemindedness about how you treat each other. Personality traits and characteristics are less important in how “matching” with each other, although it does help in certain areas – like having a similar way you like to “play” in life. Otherwise, the most important qualities to look for to be a “match” would be having mutual respect, trust, safety and approach to the kind of relationship you want to have.
The one thing I always coach people on when looking for a partner, is looking for the worst in them. That is truly what makes or breaks a relationship long term. So you pay attention to how they treat you, others and themselves during stress. If they are physically or verbally abusive, that obviously is an instant no. Other common patterns are ghosting, stonewalling (not talking to you about it), gaslighting (telling you that you are the problem and the one to blame), victim mentality etc. Basically, anyone who attempts to put their feelings on you or emotionally blocks or runs away from how they feel – those qualities make solving challenges impossible.
The hard part is, it’s difficult to know this about someone when you are first getting to know them. It takes time before your first argument or before you see stressful behavior show up in their life. So….what I personally like to do is ask a particular type of question that will give me a pinhole idea of what kind of person they are. I ask the kinds of questions that expose how they have handled hard situations in their life. For example, “Tell me about the biggest heartbreak in your life. What happened? What did you do?” “tell me about the worst hurt you have ever caused someone. What happened? How did you handle it?” “What are you like when you get really angry or hurt?” “What is the worst betrayal you have ever had to experience?” “What is the biggest lie you have ever told?” I think you get the point. Asking questions about the hardest moments of their life can reveal some interesting things you really want to know about them. The things I look for are: do they still have emotion around those events? what level of emotional intelligence did they have around the situation? do they feel resolved about whatever happened? how do they handle me asking a very personal question? how do they react about showing me their darker side? I’m looking at their relationship with themselves and their self esteem in their worst moments and I’m looking at how they handled those challenging moments and I’m looking at how they tell me – emotional, non emotional, don’t care etc. I store all of that in my mind and then I look to see if what they told me actually lines up with how they behave in life – because of course it’s tempting for them to lie or not tell the full truth. For example, if they tell me they really believe in talking things through – I will test that and find something small to confront them about and see if their words and actions line up. One time, I put a guy through the wringer by intentionally being late, then having to go back home to get something I forgot, then I spilled water on him at the restaurant, then I asked to go home early because I wasn’t feeling well…..yes, I did all of that on purpose to see how he handled things not going the way he planned. I was really starting to like the guy, but that night showed me a side to him that was not okay for me. I’m not saying you need to go to those lengths – I’m just educating you about ways to learn about someone’s dark side, as that is where the dealbreakers live.
I’m really curious what your thoughts are on this.
Heidi
I think I finally came to that realization, that I could not fix what was broken in him– but I tried until it was impossible to try any further. In some way I had to do what I could to restore the relationship, or at least I thought I had to This is the trick our minds play on us when we feel powerless. I personally believe it is the most challenging and uncomfortable feeling in existence. To have to set and watch someone die, watch someone walk away from us, watch someone make decisions that cause harm or whatever – and not be able to stop the train wreck that is going to follow – well…people will do ANYTHING to avoid that feeling of powerlessness. So our minds come up with ways to “solve” a problem as best as we can – of which many times doesn’t change a damn thing and circles us right back around to feeling powerless. It’s an unavoidable feeling that is part of life and learning how to feel it and not run away from it, is probably one of life’s greatest lessons.
There is a wonderful spark that is not reality, I realize, but is so encompassing. It IS encompassing, isn’t it??? It drives me nuts how powerful it is. These feelings pull people into relationships that many times are unhealthy and damaging to one or both parties. This is why “love is blind.” I have seen people negotiate away their standards, just so they could keep feeling the intoxicating chemicals of connection….myself included. I recently did that with a guy who walked back into my life after 20 years. I KNEW KNEW KNEW that he was not at the level I needed, but he felt so amazing! We had this very electric, life giving, fire energy together…but it also was not enough to support the kind of experience I require. Nonetheless, I allowed that energy into my life, because it felt soooooo good – all while knowing it was not good for me. LOL. I totally get it.
I guess I’d have to say what is missing is the intimacy. I first want to ask, what kind of intimacy? Second, I bring you back to a question I asked earlier. What is it that you want a man to do for you, that you are not willing to do for yourself? This is the ULTIMATE question to play with and to build a relationship with your SELF. Yes…it IS possible to feel complete, whole, fulfilled and happy 100% without romance in your life. Look at this way…there are 1000s of energies that exist. Romance is just one of many experiences to have in life, so if you take the romance path, that means you are saying no to other experiences. You can also say yes to other experiences and no to romance. Anytime any of us believe that we need to experience a certain energy in order to feel complete and whole in our lives, it only builds an “addictive” type of relationship to that energy – we won’t feel complete and whole without it, so we HAVE to have it. The truth is, we don’t HAVE to have anything. The true journey of life, is to figure out how to experience what is right in front of us, the energies that ARE there – and feel complete. That’s tough, isn’t it??? But that’s why that question is so powerful. It shines a light on our true need that we need to learn how to meet ourselves – and not reach for someone else or something else to fix it for us.
Thoughts?
Heidi
