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Hi Abbie,
Thanks for sharing a bit more and sharing how you feel! Giving up is not your only option here, so let me clarify. It’s important to understand people’s behaviors, especially your own behavior – so you can understand what is ACTUALLY happening and what is sourcing behavior. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself strongly attracted to a man, but he was far from the right kind of guy for me. I really started to explore what was happening inside of ME, when I was in my 20s. I started to look at “why” I was attracted to these guys. I discovered MANY subconscious stories and beliefs that were sourcing my attraction, in efforts to get my needs met. Sometimes, I was bored, so I would like a guy. Sometimes, I needed a self-esteem boost, so I would like a guy. Sometimes, I was avoiding feeling alone so I would like a guy. My point being, I actually didn’t truly, authentically like any of those guys but I didn’t actually know that – because what was sourcing that attraction, lived in my subconscious – until I started watching myself. I learned to ALWAYS question my attraction and see where it was coming from. I’m telling you this because there are a few things you have said, that lead me to believe that hooking up with this guy, even the “friendship” you shared and him chasing you for 3 years, was actually more about sourcing you during a failing marriage. Now that you are getting divorced, you want a commitment – but in reality, you are not allowing yourself to feel all the emotions about your marriage failing and your contract with him ending – you are just wanting to step right back into a relationship with a guy you haven’t even dated and gotten to know on a romantic level, to know if he would even be a match for you. So, my guess is, your subconscious is driving your desires. I want to encourage you to REALLY slow down and look at how you are feeling about your marriage ending. Anger? Frustration? Hurt? Resentment? Guilt? Shame? Fear? I had for my marriage when it went sour and now I don’t have my husband or him so I am so alone. This statement right hear is your subconscious saying “I am terrified to be alone and I don’t want to feel that” AND it would be a VERY good reason to want to connect in another man, have sex and want a commitment….so you don’t have to feel alone.
I’m not saying you and this guy can’t be together, but the way you are approaching this and speed at which you want to jump in, it’s not coming from a clear mind and heart. Your heart and mind are FULL while dealing with the loss of your husband and the loss of your identity. When you clear all of that out and THEN you still feel you want to be with this new guy, then go for it! Otherwise, hopping in with him now, would most likely ruin any kind of long term success with him. You are want to step into a new relationship without clearing out the baggage of the old one – and that baggage you are carrying from your marriage will make any new relationship EXTREMELY difficult.
Does this make sense?
so he did admit that he won’t let me work for him because he would be too distracted and I haven’t really upped my game for him. What does “I haven’t really upped my game for him” mean? You haven’t looked your best around him? Does it really matter? Don’t you want a guy who is attracted to you, just for who you are naturally – without the dresses and makeup and heels?
I think we ruined our friendship and we can’t go back and I hate that. This isn’t true. I have had many one night stands with “friends” and in time, our friendship returned. The best way to do that is for YOU to get clear about what you need to do right now. I would suggest working with someone. Find a coach, find a divorce support group, find someone to work with who deals with breakups and face your fears of being alone and face all the other emotions that you are wanting to avoid. Clear your heart and mind! Take your focus off of this new guy and put it onto yourself. Besides, doing something like that allows space for new friends to come into the picture and you will be less reliant on the new guy – which is healthy!
Plus, aa much as I don’t want to admit the mutual friend who has us married with kids has always been correct about things in my life and it creeps me out. You are giving your friend too much power in your life. So what that she has been right? Does it really matter? If she sees you with him and you guys have kids and what not…then that is what she sees. DO NOT let her vision of your life be the reason for you doing anything. That is you giving HER the power to know what is best for you, instead of YOU deciding that for yourself. I’ve had plenty of people do the same thing to me, but I just hear it and then put it aside and live my life. I guide myself.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Ha! Good ol’ technology. It’s such a powerless feeling isn’t it? I love how you chose to pray about it. Good job! It’s one of the best ways to just put into other hands besides your own.
How long is your trip to Austria? I sure hope the weather is good for you! I can’t wait to hear about it!
Has the contract come through?
Hi Abigail,
Thank you for sharing all of these details. It’s helpful. I’ll go ahead and respond here, but want to ask you to start your own thread. You can stick to the same category of “tricky relationship situation..” but just post it under your own name. It’s easier for us coaches to keep track that way and make sure we are getting to everyone.
It sounds like your situation is quite complicated and very layered. You are stepping into a new connection and immediately wanting a commitment and you are not even divorced yet. This raises a lot of flags. And now that you have had sex with him and wanting something more, this guy is saying that is not what he wants.
It sounds like this guy is probably more of a player than anything OR he is not interested in being your rebound guy. Either way, what is MOST IMPORTANT to do, is to LISTEN to what he is telling you. His actions and his words are saying the same exact thing. He will have sex with you and offered FWB awhile back and he is telling you he doesn’t want a commitment – he is interested in sex though – which he has been clear about, right?
So if his words and actions are saying the same thing – then LISTEN! Spending your energy trying to change who he wants to be or change how he feels about you, is a dangerous game to play with your heart. Would you be willing to just let him be? I love that you set a standard, so honor that and let him go. If he is ever ready to step into something more serious with you, then he can make that effort and let you know. Otherwise, assume the door is closed and that he is not an option.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Remember to post your response in your own thread. Thanks!
Hi Miss S,
Welcome! I genuinely want to give you a gazillion gold stars for taking the initiative with your healing, getting to know yourself and owning up to how you impacted him. It sounds like you have learned A LOT and that you experimenting with how to implement things so he can feel supported, seen and connected with you. Your situation was intense and extremely challenging, but it sounds like you both have found a way back to each other and it sounds like you have quite a strong connection with each other.
I’m not particularly in a rush, as it does feel a bit like we have all of the good bits and none of the bad bits, but it concerns me that he won’t tell his parents we are in a relationship, or stick up for me in front of them. It does sound like you both are experiencing the best bits of each other right now. I’m wondering though, being that he has very controlling parents and that he struggles with depression – has he ever gotten help with those things? Is he the type to do the kind of stuff you are doing, so he can heal and grow? If not, then the “bad” bits might end up causing separation again. If he hasn’t learned a new skillset or worked on his wounds and finding more healthy ways to stay connected, even in the midst of hardship, it will make the “bad” bits really tough to navigate with him…especially the more healthy you yourself become.
Your worry about him and his parents is valid and probably true. He most likely will just step right into his patterning about how he relates to his parents and NOT protect you – and he most likely is NOT committing to you “officially” because of his parents. If his parents have THAT MUCH influence over him, then there is nothing you can do about it. You are fighting a losing battle as long as he chooses his parents over himself and what he wants. This is something for you to truly pay attention to. If you cannot accept this about him, then you are stepping into a situation where you are going to be abandoned and hurt over and over and over again whenever his parents are involved. He is still behaving like a child with them…giving them the authority and control over his life. I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing or just how his parents are, but YOU cannot fight that battle for him. Mostly likely, it’s a core reason why he is dealing with depression.
I always tell people that one of the first things you look for in a long term partner, is how they handle stress. How do they treat you? How do they treat themselves? How do they treat others involved? Because it’s the worst of us that will make or break a relationship, not the best of us. You guys are absolutely beautiful and amazing in your best selves, but not so great in your worst selves. You however, have grown, worked on yourself, got some coaching and you are finding ways to improve that. If your partner does not approach his challenges in the same way, then you are the one growing and he is not…he will stay stuck in the same pattern and pull you into those patterns every single time – and that absolutely can cause resentment to grow, it will create a wall between you and you will not feel emotionally safe with him….so no matter how great things are when things are good, those underlying currents of energy will slowly wear down the best of connections until there is eventually a break.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
i am still confused where that leaves us but when i asked him if this was the end of if we are still together he simply responded with “ i need some time to just be by myself right now”.. The way I am interpreting this, is he just wants to only think about himself and no one else right now. Basically, that is him saying he doesn’t want to have to think about you right now. Does that mean you are broken up? Well…that is really up to you. If you want to wait around for when he does feel like he wants to think about you again, you get to do that. The hard part about this, is he is being deployed, so trying to have a long distance relationship with a guy who is really confused right now…well, it’s going to be tough to to come back together and connect.
i want to send him the message you told me to send but he just reads my messages and doesn’t reply anymore so i’m not sure if i should keep messaging him after he never responds It doesn’t matter if he responds or not. You are sending the message for yourself. If he responds, then great. If not, it doesn’t matter. You are sending a message of support and encouragement and letting him know you are working on your own stuff. Then let it go. Don’t expect a response. Again, that message is more about expressing how you feel and NOT changing how he is behaving. If you are looking for a specific outcome, then don’t send it.
i can take this time to work on myself but i am not ready to give up what we had and throw away 2 years of memories we have made and love we have shared I’m not saying you have to give him up. Hold on for as long as you want to. It doesn’t change that the only thing you have control or influence over, is yourself. You cannot make him talk, you cannot make him connect with you, you cannot make him be different than he is right now. Focus on what you CAN do…and that is working on yourself. Everything else, you need to take a step back and let go of. Let him go…meaning let him be who he needs to be right now and stop trying to find ways to make him connect with you. Let go of needing him to be different for you so you can get back to feeling good. Focus on finding ways to feel good WITHOUT him in your life for right now.
Heidi
I wonder if your digestive issues are because of the water you are drinking. Water has such a BIG impact on our system and you did not grow up in that area. It’s not unusual for people to have tummy problems from the water when they travel. I hope it resolves for you when you get home and settled. Life is hard when you are in pain and discomfort.
I’m sorry about the government ID problems you are having. You have been through soooooo much in your transitions. Somehow you always end up on your feet – you are quite resilient. You are ALMOST there!!!!! I am so excited for you!
Heidi
Hi Abigail! We are so glad you are here and asking for a different perspective. Well done! I absolutely can see why you feel very confused. Stick with us as we continue to unpack all of this for you. My goal is to help find more clarity and peace about the situation.
You asked for the “tough love” so here it is. You are doing what a lot of women do…you are blaming yourself for how this situation has turned out so far. You are asking very common questions like “Should I have done this? Did I do this wrong? Should I have said this?” I’m just going to stop you there and want to connect you to a bigger, deeper, universal truth….you DO NOT have control over what is happening….EVER. He is a sovereign being which means he gets to be and do what he wants ALWAYS. You did not make him do anything by what you said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do or anything about you. You were just being yourself. Don’t you want a guy who is inspired by your authentic self and has NOTHING stopping him from wanting more of you?? So…you thinking that had you been different than you were in order to produce a different result…that’s just an illusion. This is not about just you…it’s about the mixture of BOTH you and him. So even if you had been more direct, it doesn’t change who HE is and how he is handling everything.
So let’s look at how he is handling everything and what is important for you to understand about it. It’s obvious he is confused and he is fearful. Why did he initiate a meetup when he was committing to this other woman? My educated guess is that he is scared. He hasn’t committed to anyone since being engaged and he is taking a big risk by becoming exclusive. He most likely reached out to test how he felt. My guess is, he was testing you as well. He might have wanted to see your reaction and what you would do and say. He also probably wanted to see how he felt around you compared to how he felt around the other woman. The thing is…none of this really matters actually. WHat matters is that you are paying attention to how he handling this. Take away all his reasons for doing what he did and just look at what he did. By his simple actions alone, it’s pretty obvious he is confused…which is why you are confused. If he is confused, then he is NOT ready to be with you, or any other woman for that matter. Fear can really muck things up, but you want a guy who knows how to face his fears and not run from them. You want a guy who knows how be honest and authentic and honoring to you AND his fears, and not a guy who is playing games in order to figure out how he really feels.
I have full confidence that the behavior was also not just intended to cause me pain or hurt, as I don’t think this man is capable of such maliciousness, and the two previous times we sort of “broke up”/decided we shouldn’t see one another, t was his decision and not mine, and I do not think he likes to hurt me, or people generally – he was always very guilty and sorry on those past occasions. Again, it doesn’t matter whether he “likes” to hurt you or other or not. First, if he did enjoy it on some level, there is no way you would ever know that. I used to find pleasure in seeing the guys I dated, get hurt by the loss of me. Why? Because it made me feel like I mattered. It was kind of like a drug for my self-esteem. My childhood fostered a lot of low self-esteem, so my psyche figured out ways to keep my head above water. There is no way I ever would have admitted that to ANYONE and no one ever new that I found pleasure in a guy’s hurt. Second, even if he does feel guilty and apologizes, it doesn’t change that it happened. If there is a pattern of this behavior, saying sorry all he wants, does not change he is hurting people. What is he doing to shift, learn or grow from his challenges? What does he know about his patterns and behaviors and where they come from??
I worry I’m just seeing it in a way to give myself false hope, which obviously will be worse for me long term than accepting that this is never going anywhere. This guy sounds like a very normal, good guy, doing the best he can with the wounds he carries. You wouldn’t have feelings for him if you didn’t see the goodness he brings in your life and into the world. AND…CONNECTION DOES NOT EQUAL COMPATIBILITY!!! I cannot emphasize that enough. You have chemistry with him and you feel attraction. That is NOT enough to equal a relationship. I remember this one guy that would send my heart into my stomach just by his smile. We had a great time talking and laughing, BUT I also saw so many red flags that I knew if I fostered and nourished the connection, I would end up really getting hurt.
Before bonding and connecting with someone with your very beautiful and sacred heart, you need to “interview” them. Your heart is the job and you are the CEO. Any guy who shows interest needs to pass several layers of an interview before they get the job. Any corporate company that has high-paying, high-status, high-profile jobs, submits applicants to several different interviews and tests. Why not do that with your heart??? Your heart is just as valuable, right? One thing I always tell people is you NEVER know who someone is until you see them at their worst. How does he treat you when he is REALLY upset? Or stressed? Or angry? Or hurt? Or feeling betrayed? How does he treat himself? How does he treat others? The shadow side of us is what ultimately will break or make a relationship work. That is where foundational trust and safety are built or broken. This is part of the “interview” process. With that being said, being the CEO of your heart, the most precious and divine part of you, seeing how he is handling this situation, would you hire him WITHOUT hesitation? Do you feel SAFE with him holding your heart? Do you feel TRUST that he will care for your heart to the same level that you do? Do you feel CONFIDENT that even in his worst moments, he will still be a solid partner WITH you?
Heidi
I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s such an awful feeling to have your life turned upside down. I don’t understand the message as I really have no context. Were you supporting him financially?
It sounds like he feels the need to take this opportunity and that means separating from you. I’m assuming he is in the military. It sounds like he is asking for you to go build your life without him. Wherever he is being deployed to, it doesn’t sound like there is any kind of end to it that he is aware of. The way he is communicating, it seems like he just has A LOT he is dealing with and that he needs to separate from you.
That’s all I can say and I expect you to do your thing known as worrying This is a pretty big clue for you and something I really want to encourage you to take seriously. There may be specific reasons he is not sharing the full picture with you, but this is one of them…he knows you worry. Everyone worries about their loved ones of course, but the way he is saying it, is telling you that he doesn’t trust you with challenging information and that you will handle it well. With what you have mentioned here, it’s pretty clear that you have no idea how to deal with your worry…and that is why I am encouraging you to start to learn. When your partner doesn’t trust that you can handle tough information, that creates a barrier and he will not want to share everything with you. He will want to spare you as much as possible, which means you will always get partial truths from him. I know that is not what you want and the way to change that, is to develop your knowledge and skills with your emotions – because that develops a self trust which then translates to your partner trusting you as well.
Still keep giving him space. Let him share with you whatever he is ready to share and you start focusing on yourself. What I suggest you say to him is something like “It sounds like you have an opportunity that feels good for you and I always want to support that, even if I don’t like it. Yes, I worry, but I am learning how to deal with it differently so it doesn’t consume me. I will always have some level of worry for you, because I care and love you – but I am realizing these past few weeks, I have some personal work to do in learning how to better handle my reactions. So, as you are taking on a new path, so am I. I’m still confused as to where that leaves us in your mind, but that’s okay. I trust that when you feel clear, you will tell me. Until then, I am going to focus on myself and becoming better. Every day I am sending you a lot of love and I trust your process.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
wow! Only 2 1/2 more weeks. That is soooooo close!!! It kind of feels like time flew for some reason. It doesn’t feel that long ago that you were looking at 6 more months to go. Time feels like it’s flying by a lot faster than normal right now. Does it feel like that to you?
Maybe it’s good to look for another job regardless. If Worley has that kind of history, Bob’s efforts will fall on deaf ears. But then again, if you are looking to retire in a year, then just do whatever they ask of you and leave it at that. I think you should develop your photography business on the side. Go to dog parks, go on hikes with dogs and start taking pictures and sell them to the owners!!!! I was at my doctor’s office the other day and there was a coffee table book of horses in the wild. No copy, just pictures. It made me think of you. I imagined you creating a book like that with birds or nature or buildings. Pick a theme and go for it!
Heidi
i know that what you are telling me is right that the way i am feeling is on me and not him. This is the place to start.
i am struggling to comprehend everything and i know it is completely on me to figure out my own insecurities or why i am feeling this way.. the truth is i don’t know how to cope with this nor do i know how to understand why this has gotten me so upset. Of course you are upset. Your reaction is just an expression of the love and connection that has changed. Any person would have a reaction to that. It’s shocking to go from connecting daily to nothing at all, with no understanding of what is happening. What you are struggling with, is the feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness triggers all kinds of insecurities, fears and it instantly makes someone want to find a way to gain control again in any possible way. I just want to first normalize your reaction. What you are feeling is valid and it’s something incredibly difficult to deal with. AND….this is the time to learn how to deal with your triggers, your baggage – because this will not be the last time life will throw you a serious curveball. Learning how to handle these kinds of things will prepare you for times in your future. So you have a choice…continue to be depressed and let your emotions control you, OR…get to know your emotions and ways to work with them, to help you process the wounds that are being triggered.
The facts are this…there is nothing you can do for your guy, except to support him and what he needs. I know it’s incredibly difficult, but it’s what a good partner does…they support and accept their partner’s choices and needs. For right now, give him the space he needs and work on your confidence. When you come back together, you will be more internally strong and you will have a renewed sense of confidence.
I know your brain wants to understand, but for right now…that is just not going to happen. Your guy will connect with you and explain things when he is ready. Accept this, embrace it and look at this time – as painful and uncomfortable as it is – as a gift. It’s a gift because it’s exposing areas where you have low self-esteem. It’s exposing that you don’t know how to be okay unless he is okay – and that is not a way to live your life. You want to be able to KNOW that no matter what happens in your life, curve balls and all, that you have the skillset, knowledge and support system to get through it and become a better, more powerful woman because of it. Or…like I said before, you can stay in your story and keep suffering. It’s up to you how you spend your energy. Either way is incredibly difficult, but one path will keep you in a victim mindset and the other path will empower you.
What do you want?
Heidi
I’m a little confused. If you have a contract for a year, then why would you look for a job when you get home? Are you worried you won’t like working for Worley and you want a backup? You haven’t liked the people or company you have worked for in many years. Do you feel like you might not be able to handle it another year?
So glad your house was nice and warm for you. The sun is sooooo important, right? Such a powerful planet.
Heidi
i understand everything you are saying.. maybe i seem selfish but it hurts because he started to ignore me out of no where which in turn left me feeling confused and wanting closure on the situation. Let me see if I can say this in a different way that makes more sense to you. How you are feeling about his choice to take some distance is about YOU. You keep wanting to point the finger at him believing that he is the one making you feel this way. Of course, it’s incredibly hard to have the person you love pull away AND…every person will have different responses to something like that. It’s what we do with our feelings that makes or breaks a relationship. So you feel rejected, you feel like it’s your fault he is pulling away and you are feeling confused. I’m encouraging you to look at your feelings and own them, instead of pointing the finger at him. It is NOT his responsibility to make sure you are happy. That’s YOUR job. So instead of looking at his choices as the reason for why you are feeling this way, look at what you are feeling and explore why this is your particular reaction and why you are feeling so insecure. He didn’t create the insecurity in you. It was already there before you met him. Where does it come from? He has told MANY times already that it has nothing to do with you, yet you keep blaming yourself and trying to figure out what you did. So basically, you aren’t believing him and keep seeking re-assurance from him, instead of dealing with your insecurities in a healthy way. If you keep reaching out to him for re-assurance, it can very easily push him (and most guys) away from you. It’s part of why he is needing distance from you. He already is dealing with a lot and for him to have to spend the little energy he does have, trying to make you feel better, then all you are doing is draining him and not supporting him…because you are requiring HIM to support you. Do you see how this is harmful to your connection? Do you see why he may not feel safe to be open and include you in his challenge? I know I wouldn’t want to invite someone into my stress that is just going to respond with insecurity. It’s exhausting! That is why I am encouraging you to take this “space” and time apart to explore your feelings and work with them. Otherwise, your insecurities will continue to create a barrier between you and him because you will continue to want HIM to make you feel better…and that is a BIG job for any man to take on…and is not healthy nor sustainable for a healthy connection.
yesterday I told him that i understand he needs space but i don’t want to throw away everything we have.. and he responded with “there is no throwing away” Here you are again, asking him to make you feel better. Once is enough Gemini. Ask once and then trust what he says. If you don’t trust that he can be honest with you, then what are you doing with him anyways?
i have asked others for advice as well and they don’t really know so their responses are always he is probably cheating and this is his way of breaking up he is just to coward to tell you.. and those responses hurt because i don’t want either to be true. I dont want to let go of my relationship.. i love him.. I know it’s really hard to hear responses like that from other people. It’s not what you want to hear. I personally don’t agree. If what he is saying to you is true, he is scared and confused about what he is feeling ABOUT EVERYTHING. He may not be telling you the WHOLE truth about what has triggered him, but what he is saying, is not something a cheating guy usually says. The truth is though, NOBODY knows what is going on except for him. We can all speculate as much as we want, but it’s honestly a waste of time spending your energy trying to figure him out…because all it will be is a bunch of guessing – and that is not something you want to base your decisions or emotions on. What you DO know is he needs some time. Your job is to give it to him and then work on your own insecurities and fears on your own. He can’t be there for you right now, so you have to learn to be there for yourself…and this will strengthen the relationship in VERY powerful ways. When you have 2 people who have a skillset, self-esteem and knowledge about how to care for themselves, SEPARATE from their partner, the relationship is ALWAYS stronger and healthier for it. This WILL NOT be the last time you are in a relationship where your guy needs space to figure stuff out – without you. It is going to happen many more times, so how about you start figuring out a different kind of response to this instead of waiting for him to get better, so you can feel better?
Here is a very general idea of how men and women can operate differently: https://youtu.be/b14tt6E9faM
Thoughts?
Hi Rhonda,
Thanks for the update! So you are going to look for a new job when you get home? It sounds like a good plan. It’s so important to love the company you work for and your work family. I’m curious, how long is the contract for? A year? I imagine it wouldn’t be an issue for you to leave, if you found another job once you got home.
It’s such a bummer that there is so much rain! It makes it incredibly difficult to enjoy site seeing for sure! As beautiful as Oregon or Washington state are, I could never deal with the constant rain. I am a sunshine gal, through and through. Colorado truly is perfect for me. I had a client for a while that HATED the sunshine. He LOVED LOVED LOVED the overcast, gray, rainy weather. He needed to be living somewhere like Oregon for sure. We are all so different, aren’t we? It makes life much more interesting that way. I hope that you are able to find some sort of joy on your trips, despite the rain. These are once in a lifetime kind of opportunities for you. Sending you energetic sunshine!!!
Heidi
Hi Gemini,
Welcome! Good job for reaching out and asking for support and guidance instead of just trying to do this on your own. It’s really tough what you are experiencing and you are triggered, so it makes navigating something like this quite confusing and difficult.
Today is Tuesday and I don’t know if anything has changed since you wrote this, so I’ll offer guidance as if everything is the same. First, it sounds like you are an incredibly high connector. Meaning, you are always in contact and available for his connection and you are always nourishing that connection – and it sounds like he was responsive to that until this past week. I know that him pulling away has sent you into a tailspin and that’s the really tough part for high connectors. When the connection changes in any sort of way, it throws their whole world upside down. Instead of sinking into the pit of tears and depression, I want to encourage you to take this opportunity to learn about yourself as a person and as a partner. Moments like these carry great gifts for us! They are important and have many things to teach us.
I’m going to give you HIS perspective to maybe help you understand him pulling away. I obviously only have a tiny, tiny bit of information, so this is just an educated guess as to how he might be feeling. I’m going off of this statement here: ” listen, i really care about you. i just dont feel life sometimes. i will laugh and feel things and such but then they will go away and don’t come back i just feel weird and thats all i can say right now as i dont know how to fully explain myself.” This is a symptom of something pretty deep going on inside of him that has nothing to do with you. You are probably in the mix of all that he is feeling, but it sounds like whatever is happening for him, it’s BIG. He might be dealing with a level of depression, he might be dealing with an emotional trigger that he doesn’t understand or something big has happened at work and he is not sharing. I don’t know what he is dealing with, but I know it’s pretty intense for him. So imagine him feeling this way – confused, full of all kinds of thought and emotions about whatever is happening – having a lot of judgment and criticism towards himself and feeling incredibly uncomfortable in his skin. He is honest with you about it and you ask questions like, is it work? is it me? And he tells you, but my guess is, you became more “clingy.” He is trying to figure out what the heck he is feeling as he is really confused – and he can feel his girlfriend’s insecurities coming up and she is not able to hold space, just for him. She is needing reassurance. She is needing him to be his old self and he doesn’t know how to be that. He can’t offer you what you want and the questions she keeps asking are making him more stressed because he already answered them. It’s not about her! So he pulls away completely because he cannot deal with her insecurities AND his very confusing emotional state at the same time.
What you are not understanding is that he is in survival mode. When someone is in survival mode, it’s normal to need to pay more attention to the self and less attention to other things like a girlfriend. Here is an analogy. You get a call that he is in the hospital with a big, gaping gash across his stomach. He is in a lot of pain and just trying to process everything that is happening. And you show up, stressed, confused and asking him if he is feeling the pain because of you. He tells you no, he is in pain because of the gaping wound on his stomach, but instead of you being there JUST FOR HIM and allowing him to be in HIS pain, you bring your own pain into the situation. When someone is going through something like this, they need to be surrounded by people who don’t need them to be different. They need someone who can be centered, calm, supportive, encouraging and NOT someone who comes into their situation with their own insecurities and stress. Does this make sense? He is dealing with some kind of big emotional wound and he doesn’t understand it and you keep asking him “is it me?” and I’m sure he feels your insecurity – hence him needing to pull away – because he can’t take it.
This is my guess. I could be completely wrong. But what I do know is that your response to HIS discomfort activated your insecurities and most likely added to his stress which made him need to take some space from you.
This is the beauty of relationships….we ALL get triggered and have reactions and triggers when our person doesn’t respond in a way we want or need them to. When WE get triggered, it shows us our limitations, the stories we carry in our subconscious about ourselves and our lives and it digs up the emotions connected to those stories. You spending all day crying in bed and feeling hopeless – well that tells you that you have a pretty BIG story hanging out in your subconscious about yourself.
Let’s break this down a bit. Spending all day crying and feeling hopeless is about you feeling like there is something wrong with you. If your boyfriend is not happy and disconnecting from you, there must be something wrong with you, right? So basically, if your boyfriend is pulling away from you, it shatters your entire world. You are having a meltdown about your relationship and you don’t even know what is happening for him. You have very little information about what is actually happening, so your mind created its own story to fill in the blanks – and that story you created in your mind, sent you into a tailspin which caused you to cry all day. The first thing to understand is that emotions are NOT facts. Emotions are a perspective. Emotions are NOT the truth about a situation. Emotions are a reaction to a situation that let us know about what we carry deep inside our subconscious. Meaning…if you were to place 100 girls in your situation, you would get 100 unique reactions to him pulling away. You would get 100 different stories about what is happening and what they feel. So what you are feeling is NOT about right or wrong…it’s just about you understanding what you carry inside yourself and working WITH those feelings. You feel how you feel, because of YOU, not him. He just happened to press the button – he is NOT responsible for your feelings. The reaction you are having about this are feelings that you have carried for years and years…way before he ever came into his life. And you want to make HIM at fault. What if instead, you decided to get to know yourself. Where are these feelings coming from? If he pulls away from you and is causing you to feel rejected and insecure, where does this insecurity come from? Who taught me that I am not loveable and valuable? How come I lose my sense of value when my boyfriend needs some space from me? What are my feelings telling me about what I really think about myself? This is how you get to know the deeper part of yourself. If you understand that over 80% of how we think, feel and react is sourced by the subconscious – a VAST, infinite place that stores over 40 billion bits of information per second – then you can see there is a lot to understand about yourself…and your emotions and reactions to what happens in your life, are the messengers letting you know about what lives in your subconscious.
maybe he is depressed and going through alot but does that excuse this? am i in the wrong? Instead of viewing this as right or wrong behavior on his part, what if you tapped into your compassion about what he is going through? He is having a REALLY hard time, he is incredibly confused about what is happening and doesn’t know how to fix it. He is in survival mode and that means he needs support and not someone who is trying to pull something from him that he doesn’t have.
My suggestion is to say something like this…”Listen. I want to apologize. I freaked out when I started to feel you disconnect. I made your struggle about us and did not create a very safe place for you to just be yourself. I got really insecure and that’s all on me. I’m sure that my insecurities made you feel like you needed space from me and I don’t blame you. I’m deeply sorry – know that I am learning about myself and want to be better. What I really wanted to say is that I am soooooo so sorry for what you are going through. You sound incredibly uncomfortable and confused and that is hard to deal with. I obviously don’t know the details about what is happening, but I want you to know that I am here for you. If you want to talk about it, I want to listen. If you don’t want to talk about it, I will respect that. If you want to come over and watch a movie and not say a single word, I would love to do that with you. I am only interested in supporting you through this. I don’t know how until you tell me what you need in each moment. So until I hear from you, I will just give you space. I love you.”
I have said a lot here, so let me know how all of this feels for you.
Heidi
Hi Emily,
Welcome! Good job for being here and asking your questions. You are someone who wants to learn and grow and that will ALWAYS help you navigate your love life in a much more healthy way.
We have similar interests, long term vision and a deep love for each other. I first want to recommend slowing down a bit. You both are in the very, very, very baby phases of getting to know each other. “Deep love” can only come over time and many, many hours and memories that have been created with each other. I know he meets you in ways others have not and that is very exciting and gives you a lot of hope and probably makes you feel like “He’s the one.” I love that you are excited and having a brand new experience! I would encourage you to think a little differently. Pretend that every single guy you have dated treated you with the respect and quality that this guy is doing. So when this guy came along, how he treated you felt normal and actually wasn’t anything special. What else makes you like him? What kinds of other things make him attractive to you?
One of my approaches to dating is to look for the worst in a guy, as soon as possible. Why? Because it’s the worst part of him (and you) that carries the potential to break the relationship. Things I look for are: how does he treat you when is stressed to the max? How does he treat other people and himself? What kinds of choices does he make in trying to solve the stress? This is when you REALLY see what’s behind all of the wonderfulness. We all have a shadow side, so seeing how that operates in their life, will let you know if you are safe to hand them your heart. I know PLENTY of people who are amazing and loving human beings, but when a big enough event happens for them, they hide, become available or become quite critical. This is why I am cautioning you to slow down. You have not lived through HIS or YOUR worst moments, several times, to know what the coping mechanisms are and what kinds of choices you guys make towards resolution.
In regards to his “chemistry,” what is he doing about it? I’m guessing he has been aware of this about his sexuality because he is saying it’s his “chemistry.” I wonder how and why he knows that. Questions I would be asking: Has this ever happened before? How do you know it’s your “chemistry?” Are you going to learn about it more? Are you going to talk to a specialist? Our sex drive is influenced by sooooooo many different things ranging from physical to spiritual. His hormones could be off, he may not be exercising enough, he may have past memories that are buried and are affecting his sex drive, he may have other programs or beliefs that are hindering him. So…as his partner, what do you know or understand about what’s happening with him?
This is a good example of really watching how he navigates this. He has something that is affecting his ability to fully connect with you sometimes. How he handles this, will give you some insight as to how he approaches any challenge in his life.
This is not about you. This is about him – it is NOT your job to figure this out for him or try to fix it by doing the hero instinct or anything else other than being a safe space for him to talk with you about this. Him feeling “flat” sometimes is a big deal. It is indicitive of something bigger happening. It is a symptom of something bigger happening for him – and if he doesn’t really jump into that rabbit hole and try to figure out what is going on, then I would say – THAT is a big enough reason to walk away. It’s reflective of how he will handle other problems. This is something that is impacting his ability to connect with you and if he doesn’t fight for himself, then he is also isn’t fighting for the relationship. Just something to think about.
I would recommend for you to get more detail about what he is doing and how he feels about this “flat” energy he sometimes feels and what he understands about his “chemistry.” If he is in the process of learning about it on his own, I would then ask if he would like some help. Maybe you can find articles or videos on the subject or maybe you know someone who knows someone who is a specialist and can help him.
Does this approach feel good for you? Thoughts on what I said?
Heidi
