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The moment is here. You are FINALLY home!!!! You have been waiting for this for sooooo long. I’m so excited for you!!! What’s the first thing you did?? I have no doubt your home is happy to have you back. You get to build your life back up again. Your spirit must feel so open, much more free and just smiling because there are so many things you get to do now – and you get to have your mountains back!!! YAYAYAYAY! I can’t wait to hear an update!
Heidi
I think you have an interesting point about bypassing. I didn’t know this concept had a name but I am aware that I’ve always done that especially when I was younger. It’s a VERY powerful coping mechanism and one that can be so darn subtle that one has no idea they are doing it. It’s more known as “spiritual bypassing” but I take off the “spirit” part because bypassing happens in every part of our lives and it’s our brain that is in control of it. I notice most in myself when I was younger and realized I was reading book after book after book after book…all about self help, healing etc. While I was becoming incredibly educated, I also was not doing any of the deeper work. I realized I was reading the books, hoping that if I just learned one more thing or made sense of one more thing, the understanding of my situation would make my pain go away. BIG light bulb moment for me…LOL. A LOT of people do this. It’s a common approach to pain. While it is important to understand, it’s only PART of the healing.
Here is a simple way to explain the path of healing. First there is knowledge (I write that on the left side of the paper) and then there is wisdom (I write that on the right side of the paper). Knowledge is the information we feed our minds to UNDERSTAND our situation. We need the understanding…it’s important, but it’s just the beginning. Wisdom however, is knowledge put into ACTION. Wisdom is when we take everything that we understand and LIVE it. The information becomes who we are and part of our psyche vs. just information we have in our head.
For example..I remember being in my mid 20s and I got stood up on a date. It was a first date that a guy asked me out on. We barely knew each other as back then, dates happened organically and we had just met at the park, saw each other and briefly talked and exchanged numbers…those were the days LOL. Anyways, he did show up. I remember being so hurt, I grabbed a pint of ice cream, met my neighbor and we spent a few hours bitching about men. I was aware enough to see what was happening. I was letting this guy I barely knew, completely rattle my self-esteem and value. I watched myself run through our conversation and text exchanges over and over trying to find out “what did I do wrong?” At the same time, I had another part of me saying “You don’t know this guy, your loveable and valuable whether or not this guy showed up and he does NOT deserve for you to give him that power over you. NOBODY DOES!” The latter statement is the truth that I knew in my HEAD, but I wasn’t able to get it into my living, into my body, into my heart. I had to do some emotional work and face my low self-esteem. So…now if I were to get stood up on a random date, of course my ego would get bruised and I would have a reaction, BUT the truth is MUCH stronger in me now and I wouldn’t feel the need to go eat a pint of ice cream with a girlfriend. From all the personal work I have done, I have taken that knowledge and turned it into wisdom where now, I LIVE from a place of feeling valuable vs. just knowing that in my head. So this is the path of healing…I draw and arc from knowledge to wisdom and over that arc, I write “bridge of healing.” Healing is a creative process and there is no one best way to do it. I have my methods and approaches and other people have theirs. The way you know that your approach is working is when you are able to take the truth that you have learned and know and put it into action. When you see yourself starting to LIVE that knowledge, healing is happening. You are turning your knowledge into wisdom. Does this make sense?
So I responded in honesty and expressed my trepidation while also accepting and praising his honesty and transparency. I told him that I am glad to see him dealing with his issues and not being avoidant. But I reminded him that my problem is not his communication with female friends but rather him using these relationships as a distraction. This is very “adult” of you and a good response, however, it’s a very controlled way of expressing how you feel. What about how you are feeling inside? He has reconnected with a woman who he had an inappropriate connection with. You said you have “trepidation.” Considering your abandonment fears, I imagine you have more than that, but probably buried a bit deeper. Do you have a sense of that at all?
Heidi
Well, it sounds like you both are heading in a direction where growth can occur. Therapy will be good! A good therapist will help you guys slowly heal and come back together or help you guys realize it just isn’t going to work, for whatever reasons get exposed. Either way, movement and clarity will be helpful. Expect to take a good year minimum, to work through this, learn new skills, process all the hurt that’s going to come up (for BOTH of you) and to find a new place of relating to each other, whether together or apart.
Goodness into your journey! We are always here if you want to send any updates or just to get a different perspective!
Heidi
Hi Emma,
I understand you are confused. He is saying all of the right things finally, but you also have your walls up…rightly so.
He told me that it is over and is committed to spend more attention to our family and us. He also told me that his one true love is me. I should stay calm and just believe everything he has to say. He has broken his integrity on every level. Yes, he finally admitted to the truth, but there is NO reason for you to trust anything he says at this point. He has been lying to you for quite awhile, so for him to ask you to just “stay calm and believe everything he has to say” is just not realistic, nor appropriate. Not a single person on the face of this earth would be able to do that with anyone, after being lied to and cheated on for so long.
I understand you want to write her a letter. Write as many letters as you need to, just DO NOT send them! Write them and then burn them or tear them up. She is NOT the problem here, he is. You have NO IDEA what he has ever said to her. She may not even know that he was married. You have NO IDEA what REALLY went on between them, what he told her and if they are even broken up. Everything you THINK you understand about the situation is coming from your husband, who has been lying to you for many months now. So writing her a letter, ASSUMING that you know what happened, is NOT a good thing to do. Again, write as many letters as you need, to get your feelings out, and then every time you burn it, tear it up, throw it away….you forgive her and release the feelings you have. It may take 100 letters before you feel 100% clear about it, but it’s better than holding it all in.
I’m so glad you are looking for a new therapist. Is he willing to go with you as well?
Heidi
The quick attachment is a projection of my desire for a partner and home. This is a good place to start in understand the reasons as to why you tend to attach quickly. It’s not the core reason though. Your desire for a partner and home is natural, but it’s NOT actually the core reason for you attaching so quickly. Many people desire a partner and a home, but how they go about creating that, is unique to each person. It’s unique because their childhood, their mindset about love, their programs about romance etc. influence how they enter into creating that for themselves. Your tendency is to attach quickly, so where does that come from. Attaching quickly can have fear as the subconscious driving force. Meaning, “I want to attach quickly to this guy so he doesn’t leave.” I’m not saying this is you…I’m just giving an example. Attaching quickly, at it’s core, is driven by impulsive thinking and feeling. It’s impulsive to move in after 1 month of knowing each other, right? Impulsiveness is about meeting your needs INSTANTLY, without really thinking it through or giving any thought to the consequences. Impulsivity is child energy. Meaning, children are impulsive. They want what they want, right now and they go after it…NOT thinking about anything else other than what they want. Parents have to step in and guide that impulsivity into a healthy way to keep the child safe and protected. So when adults are impulsive about things with high consequences and when there is a pattern, like what you have about attaching quickly, it’s letting you know there is “childlike” thinking that is driving your decisions and that pattern, NOT the adult part of you. That’s why I’m encouraging you to go deeper into this attachment style you have. Start to look into the nuances of it. What is keeping this pattern alive in you? What would happen if you didn’t attach so quickly and you just took things super slow? This question can help identify any fears that are in the mix of all of this. Get a journal and allow yourself to write all of this out and see where it takes you. Dive into that rabbit hole and find out what’s there!
I know you guys have slowed down quite a bit, which is great! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your new mindset of accepting each moment as it comes. BRAVO!
Heidi
Well…it sounds like you are pretty grounded.
Keep an eye on yourself though. You said you have a tendency to have co-dependent patterns (meeting the needs of other at the expense of yourself). This kind of pattern can easily fool you into thinking you are okay about everything, when in actually, your feelings just got buried – hence you don’t really feel them. I’m only saying this because you arrived at the truth pretty quickly and that’s quite unusual for someone who does not have the skillset or understanding about how to process their triggers. You absolutely have a higher level of emotional intelligence. I did too growing up. It was my downfall sometimes though. I could use my intelligence to say the truth to myself WITHOUT having to really deal with my feelings. I never realized what I was doing until a therapist called me on it. It’s called “bypassing.” It’s getting the truth into your mind while “bypassing” the emotions.
So let me ask you this. You said: I realized that his feelings are understandable and valid. It has nothing to do with me. In fact, his friendship with this girl was never about and more about him and his needs. This is 100% true. But…did you also work with your anger, your hurt, your feelings of betrayal, feelings of failure etc.? Did you feel those and clear them, forgive him and work with any of those feelings you would have had about him emotionally cheating? Working with any or all of these feelings and clearing them, would help you arrive to the same exact truth. This “friendship” of his was not about you, but him. But if you arrived at this truth WITHOUT working with your feelings, that is bypassing. This means that all your feelings are still very alive and will just create a barrier around your heart. Those feelings will be easily triggered again down the road. Those feelings have consequences to them, so while “bypassing” feels pretty great and that it worked, it’s misleading. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Yes, she is brilliant at helping people navigate relationships, as long as the people are doing their work. Otherwise, she can be pretty tough. If your boyfriend is avoidant to the level you are explaining, he would not resonate well with her. A person has to have the desire to grow and an attraction to the truth and they need to have enough self-esteem to handle confrontation.
Your guy is using his 10-year-old trauma as the reason to stay dysfunctional and hide from confrontation. I don’t know a single person alive who doesn’t have some kind of trauma from their childhood that crippled them in some form or fashion. He is choosing to stay crippled by it instead of working to be free of it and processing the grief. Now, because he is not willing to deal with it, you are having to be VERY careful about anything you say, make sure it’s the right timing, the right environment and you have to tiptoe around how you present your feelings. If he is THAT fragile, he will not resonate with my Coach. You will though. You are a seeker and interested in working with the truth, not your fears. There is no reason you can’t do your own work and face your own limitations right now and then down the road, find someone to work with as a couple once he is more recovered from the loss of this girl.
I’m not surprised he is depressed either. He is going through a “breakup” so to speak and her blocking him, is triggering major rejection and loss. This must be hard for you. Good job on staying calm! It’s probably best to just let him be depressed right now. You can’t fix it for him and he needs to figure out how to get back up and move forward. You have A LOT on your plate and are quite busy, so in a way, this is good for him to have to figure this out on his own.
What are YOU feeling about him being depressed about this girl? What kinds of thoughts are you having about it?
Heidi
P.s. I’ll send you an email with the info. for my coach.
Only a few more days! You have been in this position so many times….where you FINALLY get to leave and start something new. Thank goodness it’s home this time, right? You can begin to build your life again. You get to be in your own home, your own car, your own bed, your own friends….and in an environment that you LOVE! Your soul will be happy.
I’m hoping that this next phase is enjoyable and nourishing for you! You’re almost there!
Heidi
Hi Azamit!
I’ll email you my coach’s info. Trauma and all the issues associated with it, are her specialty, so if you don’t end up resonating with the therapist you reached out to, you have another option to explore.
I’m glad to hear that he is at least open to couple’s work. There are a lot of things to work on, but don’t get discouraged. Once you go down that road, it does tend to get worse before it gets better. It’s extremely tough to undo ways of thinking and reacting after years and years of being a certain way…of which it sounds like you are starting to understand from your reading.
I’m glad to hear that he responded okay to your letter. I’m really curious how he will end up processing this. So now that you gave him the letter, now what? Are you going to continue talking about it?
Heidi
I am 100 willing to go through therapy and come out a better woman and partner, no matter the rigor or brutal honesty of it all. AMAZING! I love that you are this! You are a “seeker” which means you are someone who seeks the truth, looks for the truth and wants to be in relationship with the truth. Have you ever done any kind of therapy or coaching before? Have you ever read any self-help books before? Would you like the info. for my coach?
Wow! 3 pages! That’s a lot! I want to suggest saying it instead of giving him the letter. I love that you wrote it out and got it all out on paper. Now…say it out loud to him. You can have your letter with you and if you still feel you want to give it to him, you can, but there is something VERY important that happens for you, specifically, when you use your VOICE to say what you need to say. Plus, 3 pages is VERY long. Speaking generally, that can feel overwhelming for a guy. Being that he sounds like the kind of guy who is controlling and has strong self-serving tendencies, he may not respond well to a 3-page letter. I’m not sure if you already gave it to him, but I suggest picking 3-5 sentences out of your letter and just saying that for the conversation starter. Short and simple. Something like “I want to apologize. I really got triggered by you and this other girl and I overreacted by trying to control the situation. I’m understanding more deeply now what was happening in my head and I do plan on working on myself. I’m still not comfortable with it and not sure I ever will be, but I also have NO INTEREST in having a relationship with you where we are trying to control each other. So how about we agree to resolve this in a different way? You be you and I’ll be me, no more rules about who we are allowed to talk with and be around.” And then just see what he says. Thoughts?
I’m so glad you joined us here! Thank you for your gratitude and appreciation. It makes me smile! I’m always happy to help!!!
Looking forward to hearing more!
Heidi
I love your willingness to learn and grow! I am happy to recommend my coach who is pretty brilliant. She isn’t for everyone as she is very deep diver and gets at the core of everything pretty quickly. That kind of coaching is NOT gentle, but it’s full of truth. You have to have the kind of self esteem and drive to WANT to know the truth, no matter how hard it might feel or what changes might need to happen. If that interests you, let me know and I’ll get your email and send you her contact info. privately. She works with people all over the U.S. over zoom or facetime or the phone, so you don’t need to be in person.
Maybe have a conversation with him? You can start by saying “I want to apologize. You being friends with that woman was really triggering me. It activated my abandonment issues because how you were responding to her made me feel like you could actually be with her. I responded by trying to control the situation instead of facing my own feelings and triggers. It may have “fixed” the issue with her gone, but then it activated your resentment towards me. And although we are being “peaceful” together, it doesn’t feel like anything has really been resolved and there is an underlying tension that we are pretending is not there. How about we talk about this and figure out a different way to resolve all of this?”
I’m not sure how this talk will go as you said he is quite controlling. He sounds narcissistic as he always needs to be right. If that’s true, this kind of conversation will not go very well. You may admit that how you approached the situation was not the best, but he will just agree and expect YOU to shift and he won’t take responsibility for his side of things. That will just make you feel rejected and not heard or known all over again. If this is the case, maybe going through that again will help you see more deeply, the kind of guy you are choosing to connect with.
How do you feel about opening everything back up again and talking to him about it?
Heidi
Good to hear from you! Thank you for sharing more about your situation! It’s a tough one you are dealing with for sure!
But I was so uncomfortable and felt disrespected by the contrast of communication, and comfort he shared with the girl compared to any other friend he has ever had. Of course you are uncomfortable being a witness to this! It tapped into your insecurities and abandonment issues. The way you handled though, is by trying to control him and be his “mommy” telling him he is not allowed to have that friend anymore. Instead, facing your fear of abandonment and working with your insecurities and owning your reaction, instead of blaming him, would have been the path to take. Also communicating how it made you feel would have been important too. But…still leaving him the choice of what to do about that. I personally would have gotten really curious about what was happening for him. I would have asked a lot of questions like “you respond to her differently compared to your other female friends. I admit that makes me insecure and that’s my issue, but I’m always wondering what it is about her. What do you like about her so much?” So talking about it with him on a deeper level would be a way for you to feel connected to him and understand him more deeply instead of just telling him he can’t be friends with her. After working with your own reaction and talking with him about it, you might have actually felt very different about the whole thing. Or…maybe not, as maybe he still was choosing to be close to her in a way that was inappropriate. I don’t know. But if his choice was the latter, YOU would have a decision to make. If he chose to keep that friendship and cause separation between you and him, that is something you need to know about him, right? You would either have to accept it, or you would need to consider leaving – THE MOST IMPORTANT part here is that you accept him for exactly who he is…even if that means you leave him. Doing what you did by trying to control him, started you both down a path where there is less respect, safety and resentment between you guys. That’s not the way to stay together, is it? And it sounds like neither of you really have the skillset about how to navigate this in a healthy way. Maybe consider getting help? Would he be willing to work with relationship coach or maybe you guys can do a weekend retreat for couples or maybe read a book together about how to work through challenges?
So I was not confident in his effort not to let that happen. How come? You are basically saying you don’t trust him and his process and if that is really true, that is a MAJOR crack in your relationship that needs to be looked at.
He can be a vindictive person when he feels hurt or disrespected. He is not the best negotiator. I also feel like he grew up believing that he is emotionally and intellectually superior than most people because of how much trauma he went through. My guess is, this contributes to you not feeling safe with him and trusting him at the very core, but you probably have ignored this for many, many years and you want to keep ignoring these feelings.
So I empathize with that and usually submit to his “it’s my way or the highway” approach to disagreement. I have abandonment issues from childhood so I’m a big people pleaser and will try anything to make someone happy. These patterns go together really well. It’s how you guys have been able to function for so long together. AND…it’s also a pattern that will destroy you guys over time. As long as you stay the “people pleaser” everything will always be fine. If you ever start to navigate outside of that, like asking him to not be friends anymore with that girl, you will pay the price for that – and that is what he is teaching you with his response to your need to control him for once vs. the other way around.
Also, I didn’t mention this last time, but I had actually approached the girl woman to woman to tell her that her relationship with my boyfriend has my blessing as long as she respects me and the relationship. Again, you stepped into the mommy role with this girl giving her your “blessing” as if you are “allowing” her to be his friend with rules in place. Of course she was irritated by that and felt like she didn’t need your blessing. That’s actually true. She can do and be whatever she wants, whenever she wants and doesn’t need your permission for any of it.
Given all of these things, what could I have done differently? How should I address this with my boyfriend if it happens again? I already answered the first part, but what should you do if it happens again? Well…I think you need to deal with RIGHT NOW because although you guys are being respectful and “peaceful” together, there is an underlying current of negative energy that is not be addressed or worked through. It’s toxic and will destroy you guys, slowly but surely.
What do you suggest for us to be able to actually talk and figure out solutions to move forward and grow from this experience? Both of you have some REALLY big triggers that were activated through all of this that are not easy fixes. You both are dealing with those triggers by trying to gain control over the other person – that’s what children do to each other. It will break you guys and there will be no wedding in 2 years. Again, you guys need help. If he isn’t willing to learn another way to handle his vindictiveness, then you have a guy who will ALWAYS be like that. He will ALWAYS need you to be subservient to him, so if you want to stay with him, you will always need to put his needs above your own. And you will lose yourself in order to stay with him. So if you don’t want that, then go get help for yourself and start to understand more about your people pleasing pattern and your fear of abandonment. If this relationship is going to be healthy, you BOTH have some learning and growing to do TOGETHER. If you don’t do this together, then the relationship will break at some point.
I know I said a lot of things that may have been hard to hear. You guys are in trouble and you both are destructive to each other and your own selves when hurt is involved. So the foundation of which your relationship is standing on, it crazy unstable and broken. It’s absolutely fixable, but you both have to be willing to do the work.
Heidi
Hi Azamit,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. You have a very intense situation that is quite delicate and extremely layered. It’s pretty awful to watch your guy start to connect with another woman in an uncomfortable way and then not have your guy respond in a way that shows you he wants to protect the relationship. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this and seeing this about him.
My guess is, his reaction is not a new thing. He is turning your feelings into “you are trying to control me” – which sounds like a pretty big trigger for him. Did he have controlling parents? This trigger that has been activated in him, is very child-like kind of thinking and he is making THAT the issue instead of truly looking at why he is connecting with this woman in ways that are making you feel uncomfortable.
And now…he is being passive-aggressive about your friends. It’s the “you hurt me so now I’m going to hurt you so you can see how it feels” kind of behavior – which again, is very childlike type of behavior. You definitely have pushed a VERY LARGE button of his that has A LOT of baggage connected to it. That is why I am guessing you have seen some flavor of this pattern before with him, especially considering how long you guys have been together.
What you are seeing is a coping mechanism and those get developed as a child and stay with us forever. As we heal, those coping mechanisms are more easily managed and controlled. I know for me personally, I can be VERY passive-aggressive if I get hurt enough. But I am able to manage it, because I know where it’s coming from, I have a skill set to manage the little girl energy that wants to hurt back, and I have people in my life that hold me accountable. As long as he does nothing with the baggage he carries, he will always sabotage – and not take responsibility for what he is doing. The way he is behaving tells you how fragile he is emotionally. It also might be that you are pointing out something he KNOWS is dangerous and his big reaction can be a way to “cover up” him knowing that you are right. Kind of like someone being caught in a lie, and they have a BIG protest in efforts to convince the other person they are wrong.
I don’t know what is true for him or what is happening. But what I do know, is that his reaction is causing a BIG wall to come up for you. How can you possibly feel safe with him? He is choosing to create division instead of working WITH you through this.
I DO NOT suggest to ever give in to his “demands” of wanting to control your life. So him saying your friend cannot come over anymore, is not acceptable. I don’t know if you said this to him, but you trying to control how much he communicates with that woman, is also not okay. Anytime one adult is trying to tell the other adult what they can and cannot do, only for the benefit of themselves so they can feel more comfortable in their lives, that is controlling behavior and having “power over” another person instead of being IN RELATIONSHIP with that person.
I know relationships are about compromise many times, but that doesn’t sound like what is happening here, so you guys are off track and resentment and trust and safety are being broken in the process.
Thoughts on everything so far?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
Great to hear from you!! I’m sooooo glad to hear your update. I love you both are feeling more grounded, took a step back and are choosing to enjoy the “collecting data” phase. Good job for not moving in together!!! And it sounds like the sex challenge has been resolved for now. Now that both you an him know this is a physical response he has to stress or pressure, it most likely will show up again, but at least you’ll know where it’s coming from.
We have a month to explore and then I leave to travel with work. Are you leaving for a while or something? Traveling is such a good thing for relationships. You both get to feel different things about each other because of what the absence brings up in both of you. You guys should download the Marco Polo app. It’s one of my favorite apps that helps me keep in touch with friends living in different states and countries. It’s a way you guys can video message each other. So you leave a video for him and it sits in the bottom portion of your screen in the “feed” and when you have time, you listen and then respond with your own video. It’s a way to stay connected, especially with busy schedules. With the paid version, you can also leave audio messages, text messages and there are all kinds of fun add-ons that can spice up your messages. Even connecting that way on a daily basis can be fun. While you are driving to work, you can send him a message telling him some thoughts you have or just send him a kiss. Visual is sooooo much more powerful than text. Just a thought!
Out of curiosity, do you have any understanding, with yourself at least, as to why you tend to attach so quickly? Now that you have slowed down and feel more in balance, what shifted and helped you both get to this space?
Heidi
dialling me until he answers and begging him to reassure me that there is no other woman in his life 😆 I’m glad to hear that you have stopped obsessively calling or messaging him and no you wait and are much more patient. When you do that, you are projecting your insecurities onto HIM and not taking responsibility that those are YOUR insecurities and for YOU to work with. Besides, this is the EXACT behavior that his mom does to him. So maybe you can have a little understanding about what she feels like when she feels threatened by losing him. She loses herself and will do anything to pull him back in, so she can feel secure again.
but he feels trapped and paralysed and doesn’t know how to take the first steps. I guess I feel a lot of empathy for him because for a long time, that was honestly me too. He is in a really tough situation. I’m glad you have empathy for him, as you understand what this feels like. AND…”he doesn’t know how” is not a REAL reason. He didn’t know how to be a ferry captain, but he learned, didn’t he? He will face “not knowing” a MILLION times in life – we all do. It’s more important that you really watch what he does with that. If he stays paralyzed, then his fears are greater than what he wants. This will make a relationship with him EXTREMELY difficult, because he doesn’t have the skillset or trust in HIMSELF to be the captain of his life. So…you will end up mothering him by doing everything FOR him – probably the same as what his mother does.
He had a very privileged upbringing and has also told me on numerous occasions that he wants this for his own children. How do you feel about this? Do you agree? What exactly does he want for his own children that is the same as what he got?
And considering the upbringing he has had, it’s truly remarkable how much he is his own person. I see so much courage there. He is a skipper or a captain on a steam boat currently. It is not a well paid job but he does it with such focus and pride and that was what won me to him in the first place. He did this because he wanted to and not because his parents did. And he is a much kinder, more compassionate person than either of them. He has imagination and soul Everything you say about him is really beautiful! He sounds like an incredibly sensitive and deeply caring person and I can see why you feel so safe with him. I wish this were enough. You are not looking at the WHOLE picture. You are just looking at his best qualities – and that is where you will run into trouble. As wonderful as he is, he is not available for a relationship. Not with you and not with anyone. As long as he is living at home and subservient to his parents, he will NEVER become the kind of MAN needed in order to become a husband and father. He is still very child-like. His life is built around the approval of his parents. It sounds like he is aware of that, but that’s just the first step. He has no clue of the toxic connection that is happening, especially between him and his mother. As long as he has no clue and continues to source that kind of connection, he will NEVER be available for another woman in a healthy way. Mum will ALWAYS come first – guaranteed.So yes, he is amazing and incredibly kind-hearted AND he is still a child and not developmentally capable of being a grown man building a life with another woman. Unfortunately, the latter is more powerful than how wonderful he is….it always works that way. As I said before, it’s the limitations of a person that determine the quality of the connection and relationship and not the best of someone.
There were a couple of occasions when she thought of reasons why he couldn’t come and stay with me, like her husband was away on a business trip and she didn’t want to be on her own, How you are explaining her relationship with her son is so incredibly toxic. She has turned him into her surrogate husband. She has programmed him into being the kind of son that NEVER “abandons” her and leaves her. ANY woman to come into his life, she will sabotage, because that means she will be replaced and she will NOT allow that to happen. Any person programming their son to be this way is INCREDIBLY fragile and only interested in self-serving. She sounds quite narcissistic. But how can I stop her seeing me as a threat? You can’t. And moreso, it’s not your job. The ONLY way for any woman to come into his life, would be HIM making that decision to uncouple from his parents…especially his mom. Being the kind of person she is, she will do everything she can to ruin him, if he ever chose to walk away from her…even to the point of becoming sick or something, in order to draw him back in. They are so incredibly enmeshed and the only way for that to change, is he has to be willing to lose her. Until then, you don’t have a chance against her.
Can you please advise me on what I can do to encourage him to see me as the person he should turn to? I want us to star in our own beautiful story and I truly want us to be running around dodging bullets hand in hand. How can I encourage him to see me in that way, too? Everything you want with him is so beautiful. I’m going to be blunt here…this is NOT about you. Him not seeing you in the ways that you want him to see you, are because his mom is in that role. She is who he turns to first. She is who he will spend the rest of his life with, as long as he chooses to stay in this type of connection. He knows he needs therapy, but he isn’t doing anything about it. He doesn’t make much money, so it’s a great excuse to NEED to stay home and stay limited in his ability to create a life of his own.
I’m so sorry! I know this is not what you want to hear. He truly sounds like an amazing, beautiful person. I wish that were enough. The problems he is facing are MASSIVE and incredibly scary. Even if somehow, you were to help lure him away from his mother, he would have NO CLUE how to operate without her. She has so programmed him to rely on her voice, her opinion, her advice, that he doesn’t even know who he is separate from her. So…if he were to separate, it would take a VERY LONG time for him to figure out who the heck he is, all on his own. A natural response would be for him to jump from one mommy to another. So most likely, he would start relying on YOU to tell him what to do and where to go and who to be in the world. As I said, he is underdeveloped socially. He didn’t have permission to go through normal, rebellious, separation, so he has grown into his 20’s without learning independence. When someone grows up having too much of their needs met, they have no clue how to handle disappointment. So imagine what would happen if he separated from his mother, chose you instead, and then you and him get into an argument. Where is he going to go? How is he going to handle that? He would be sooooo lost and hurt and feel alone and guaranteed, he will just go running back to mommy, because she raised him to be quite crippled and dependent on her…and if not her, he will be dependent on you.
He just doesn’t have the skillset or knowledge or ability to be in a healthy, adult relationship. I know he makes you feel amazing and I know you keep wanting to “fix” this, but this is not a fixable kind of thing. You will always lose to his mother. If you want that, then all you need to do is become subservient to her too. You would need to support and join the toxic connection. That is the only way to have him. You would need to defer to HER for all your troubles, you would need to look to HER for advice, you would need to treat her like she is THE queen and THE source. You would have to lose your independence and become dependent on her. That’s the only way she would see you as safe and not a threat. She would need to be the center of your relationship with him.
Heidi
