Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Sounds like you are figuring everything out. You are walking, you are going to dog parks, you are figuring out your body, you are being social…you get to be in your own home and bed…no more struggles with the environment. How is your heart? Are you happy and peaceful????
How is work going so far?
Heidi
Oop! So strange! I wrote a response yesterday, but it’s not here. I wonder what happened!
I didn’t ask for further explanation because he doesn’t owe me one. He said he’s unavailable, and I respected that. Ask anways! One of the main reasons people end up getting involved with someone who isn’t a good match for them, is they don’t ask enough questions! People sometimes has this belief “Well if they want me to know, they’ll tell me” or “I don’t want to pry” or like what you said “He doesn’t owe me an explanation.” None of that is true. In fact, it needs to be quite the opposite and here is why: Your heart is the job, your date is the applicant and you are the CEO of your VERY sacred, unique, precious heart. How else are you going to know if the applicant is right for the job, unless you ask them questions??? I am a master question-asker. I ask a TON of questions, no matter the subject. If they don’t want to answer, then they need to say something. If they are afraid to say “I’m not comfortable answering that quite yet” then they are not the right match for me anyways. For me, I have to have a guy who is strong enough to know his limitations and boundaries and be able to communicate them. Otherwise, I want to know every single little detail about that person, INCLUDING his stress responses and how he handles things.
One of thing I always tell people is that you choose someone according to their worst side, not their best side. It’s their worst side that will make or break your relationship – so the sooner you know that side of them, the better. You want to see HOW they handle stress. How do they talk to you when they are angry? Hurt? Triggered? What actions do they take? Do they disappear or do they stay and talk? How do they treat themselves? Asking Bill about what happened and why he isn’t emotionally available, would have given you some insight into how he handles stress. You want to see HOW he talks about her, how angry or hurt he feels, what is he doing about all of that etc.? If he isn’t doing anything about it and is just letting everything fester, then that is very important to know!!! Would you hire an applicant to care for your sacred heart, who has no skillset of how to handle stress??
I figured being prepared BEFORE I’m in a relationship would be better than trying to fix one that’s already failing. I know not all relationships are able to be troubleshooted ahead of time, but I look at it this way: you can’t go wrong learning how to speak to and treat a man the way he responds to positively. I understand your perspective and why you are wanting to learn. I definitely do not want to discourage you from doing that. I want to invite you to learn in a way that’s even more powerful though. Learn about yourself. A core truth is, when you learn to love and accept ALL of who you are, learn how to forgive the worst in you, learn how to honor and care for your heart with the utmost respect – then you will also treat others the same way and that is enough to have a healthy relationship. It’s not REALLY about learning how to treat a man specifically. It’s about BEING respect. It’s about BEING curiosity. It’s about BEING present. It’s about BEING emotional safety – but you have to be all of those for yourself FIRST if you are going to BE all those things in a relationship. It really is the only way to TRULY troubleshoot a relationship so to speak. All the other small, intricate details about a guy, you will learn along the way. A guy that is truly a good match for you, in a HEALTHY way, will respond more to who you are vs. the specific techniques you have learned along the way. Yes, those help, but it’s not the CORE of a successful relationship – it’s more like the cherry on top – not essential, but an added bonus.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Step into the “boring.” Don’t try and change that! Part of why it feels boring is because you are coming off of a pretty stressful situation. You were so unhappy and that gave you A LOT of “entertainment” so to speak. Coming home, your nervous system gets to calm down, but you are calling it “boring” instead of peace. Step into it…breathe….be grateful for it…and every time you call it boring, switch the word to “peaceful” or “nourishing.” Maybe consider going out and taking pictures at dog parks instead of trying to meet a guy. Maybe start editing some of the pictures you already have and start to sell them. Focus purely on yourself right now and give yourself time to adjust being back home again.
Heidi
Hi Jennifer! Welcome!
I love that you are here learning new things! I’m curious, what inspired you to purchase the program? Most women purchase the program because they are under some kind of stress in their dating or relationship situation and are wanting to fix it somehow. That isn’t you. It sounds like everything is going well, so what made you want to learn this material?
How long have you guys been friends? How long has the attraction been going on?
I’m happy to hear you are really honoring him and the place he is at emotionally. The majority of women do everything they can to change the guy’s mind and it ends up in disaster. Good job for being patient and willing to just let him be who he needs to be right now. How long was he in that relationship? How long ago did they break up?
I don’t want to sound like I’m just throwing flattery around in a haphazard manner. EXACTLY! Just like what you said, you want it to be organic. The way I like to imagine this concept is that there is a relationship “bank account” and it’s super important to make small deposits often. Over time, there is a lot of savings that gets built up, so when there is an argument, when there is something incredibly challenging in the relationship, you have a good amount of “money” to support you guys through the tough times. To be honest though, I wouldn’t worry about it at this point. You guys are not in a relationship and who knows if you ever will be. He needs to be willing to take that risk again and that may take a very long time like it does for most people. Out of curiosity, how long are you willing to wait? I do want to encourage you to keep yourself open to other opportunities as well. This is sooooo important so you don’t put your love life on hold for a guy who is not available. I know he is wonderful for you, but there are many wonderful guys out there! Go out and experience them and get to know yourself. Dating is a wonderful way to get to know yourself, practice techniques that you learn, developing your communication skills, learning about your inner judgements and criticism and so much more! It doesn’t always have to be about finding someone to pair with. In fact, I rarely ever used dating for that. I used dating as a way to get to know the ins and outs of myself…what worked, what didn’t and through it all, I developed my self confidence, I became a VERY skilled communicator and I became quite masterful at reading what was going on behind what someone was saying and presenting. Is that something you would be willing to do?
The tips I mainly have is to make sure you are organic about it. DO NOT force it and DO NOT think it’s something you have to do often. Imagine that you are talking to their BEST self…just like the example you gave. For example, when he is stressed, upset or depressed let’s say, talking to his best self means you are speaking to that part of him that knows how to navigate the stress. So you say something like, “I know how hard this is. I believe in you. You are resilient, resourceful and I have no doubt that you will get past this moment.” Basically, you are highlighting the best part of them when they are feeling the worst part of themselves. Another way to do it, is if he makes you laugh a lot for example, you would throw something in there like “I love how much I get to laugh with you.” So again, speaking to their best self and shining a light on that. It sounds like you might already have a natural ability for this though. Men need to feel valued and appreciated – it’s really important for them, so that’s where the “small deposits often” is a concept you make sure to implement into your relationship, whenever you do have one.
Was this helpful? Does it make more sense?
I’m also so sad to hear that you lost your husband. That must have been extremely tough for you. How are you doing about that? I know that it’s can be a scary thing to love again. How does it feel for you to be attracted to another man?
Heidi
Hi Monica, Good to hear from you!
I want to suggest you slow down a bit. I understand that it’s scary not knowing where you stand. It’s not as black and white as you are making it. There are a lot of nuances here.
I have decided that I am just going to tell him I want more and if he is t feeling it then we can break up. I want to suggest staying away from an ultimatum in the way that you are presenting it. How about just talking to him about what you need. What EXACTLY do you want from him? What does that look like in your relationship with him?
Again, understand that getting involved with a guy that isn’t even divorced yet, is a HUGE HUGE risk. He may say that he is invested and wants to move forward, but truth is, between the PTSD and his marriage ending – he has A LOT on his plate and isn’t going to be emotionally available to the level that you want, as he shouldn’t be. He has a lot of baggage he is carrying around and you want to add more to the pile for him by requiring more from him? It seems like what you want and expect from him is not something ANY person would be able to offer you, under these kinds of circumstances. So…maybe instead of an ultimatum, you can just talk with him about where he is at and really HONOR the situation he is in. I think this is more about YOU deciding what is best for you by gathering more information and talking with him, instead of giving him an ultimatum and putting the choice on him, because you don’t want to have to make that choice. What if YOU made the decision to stay or go by honoring him and where he is at and by honoring yourself and where you are at. You can choose to accept his place in life right now and what he is able to offer, or decide it’s just not enough for you. So the ultimatum is on YOU and not him. I say this because most guys will immediately run and get defensive when they are presented with ultimatums. Sometimes they are necessary, but you guys have only been dating 3.5 months – so presenting this kind of ultimatum and making HIM choose will probably backfire on you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Holy smokes! What a birth story!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you and your mom are close. Moms are quite special, aren’t they?
It’s a very interesting pattern you have noticed about your birthday. You might want to look up this book. It’s fascinating! It talks about fractal time and how similar events can have patterned occurrences and how you can break that pattern if you want. There is even a mathematical formula you can use to calculate the first event that was imprinted on time. This blew me away! https://www.amazon.com/Fractal-Time-Gregg-Braden-ebook/dp/B00DJ736ZC
This year will be a huge one for me as I have started to give myself much needed introspection, love, attention, education, etc. So one day this year can be one of those stories I can look back on with pride, gratitude and appreciation. I love this! What’s your plan? How are you going to make sure this happens???
It’s so strange to be able to connect with someone on a completely different continent! It’s really fun and such an honor to get to connect with you!
Heidi
This is wonderful!!! I love that you both are committed to creating the space and openness for this to develop organically without forcing things. It sounds like this connection has a good foundation and that both of you are on the same page and talking about it! Being away for possibly up to 3 months will be really good to help you both get to experience the friendship developing most of all without the distraction of intimacy, thoughts about moving in together or trying to force something. Distance is a beautiful thing sometimes!
I would love to recommend my coach for you. She is magical and masterful when it comes to identifying core wounds and working with them…quite fast actually. She has her Ph.D. in Psychology and worked as a therapist for a couple of decades, but she decided to eventually give up her license when she moved to a new state. She is HIGHLY skilled and quite masterful at navigating the pysche and is brilliant when it comes to helping you connect to your core truths. She mostly works remote over Facetime I believe or the phone as her techniques are able to be used anywhere. Whenever you feel ready to deep dive into this abandonment pattern, let me know and I will email you privately with her information.
Thank you for the update!!! I’m looking forward to hearing more about how things progress!
Heidi
Hi Abbie,
It would be great to hear from you! It’s been a while. Any thoughts? More questions? Any new developments?
Heidi
Hey there! It’s been a while since you responded, so I thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. How are things going? Any new developments? Have you decided to accept his mother for her role in his life?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Just wanted to check in and see if you had more questions, thoughts about what I said or wanting more understanding. It would be wonderful to hear from you and to keep talking about this!
Heidi
This is wonderful! I love that you have really connected into another level of truth and that it is having a really big impact for you. This is what it’s like to slowly start to heal. It’s getting the truth at your core and releasing the stories and programming that were shaping your beliefs and perspectives. You have an affinity for truth, which is unusual. The average person can take a while before they are able to embrace a truth, because in order for a truth to become the center, your system has to let go of something else. You embraced it quite quickly! If you decide you want to work with my coach, you will be a really good fit with her and you will move through the process very quickly. That’s my favorite thing about her, I think. With her approach and techniques, I move through some of the most sticky, difficult and fearful things at a lightning pace compared to other practitioners I have worked with.
So it’s your birthday??? What is your age? It sounds like you are going to have a really wonderful dinner! I always like to ask people this….what is one thing that makes it feel like your birthday? For me, it’s my mom. She always calls and I always ask her the story of my birth…what she felt, what some of her thoughts were, what was I like etc. I NEVER get tired of hearing my birth story. Moms know us in a way that no other human being on this earth could know us. If you are close with your mom, you should ask her!
Heidi
Yay! You are getting your life back!!!! You got to see some wildlife, you got to take a bath, you got to sleep in your own bed, you get to take your own supplements again, you get to make new friends….whew!!!! That was a tough season!!!
Sooooo so glad you are finally home and getting situated. Your spirit gets to settle and rest and finally grow some roots. I”m so happy for you. You have been through a lot, but you made it!
Heidi
You have my deepest gratitude Thank you for saying this! I can’t tell you how many people I share information with, that just ignore it because I’m always bringing them back to themselves and not directly helping them “fix” their problem. Most people just want a quick fix “pill” to help them get what they want so they can be out of pain…not that I blame them! I would want that too, if it were possible. So your appreciation is refreshing. You are actually interested in improving yourself and trying out new ways of being with your guy that can make you a better partner. I love it! He is incredibly lucky to have you!
How are things going between you guys? How is he doing? Is he still depressed? Is he communicating with that girl frequently? I’m wondering what your thoughts are about having your friend over if you want. Have you thought about talking to him about letting that boundary go? Or maybe finding ways for him to feel comfortable still having her over if you want?
Heidi
Is this a bad thing for me to practice? Great question! This is a GOOD thing to practice. Being controlled and “adult” vs. childlike (emotionally dysfunctional adults who were destructive) is always the better option. When you deal with the TRUE reaction and level of emotions/feelings you have, you do it in private or with your friend or with a therapist/healer/coach. You never want to emotionally vomit onto another person. The tricky thing is, being controlled is not always honest or authentic either. So your boyfriend experiences you controlled and very adult about the whole thing, but he also doesn’t know how you REALLY feel. He only knows PART of the whole picture.
There is a way to be honest and authentic and share ALL of your feelings, without being destructive. When someone is destructive, they are blaming the other person, they are pointing the finger at them, and they are criticizing or judging, right? The words and energy they are using are harmful and deeply negative. So you can say something like this instead: “I will admit that hearing that you have reconnected with her is definitely re-activating my insecurities. It’s uncomfortable for me, and to be honest, I’m not sure it will ever be okay for me. I’m scared that you will like her more than me. I’m scared of the potential that exists between you and her. I’m scared of how much she relies on you and you allowing that and even encouraging it. I am going to work with my fears and I own them, but it’s important for you to know that it’s not easy for me. You get to be whoever you need to be, but it will be helpful if you keep talking with me about it, don’t try and hide it, maybe show me a little extra love right now, because your choice is hard for me…” Basically, when you share the TRUTH and intensity of your struggle in a way where you are owning it yourself and not pointing the finger at him, that is healthy, honest, authentic and he will see ALL of you, instead of just the part of you that is a people pleaser. With BOTH people sharing their full experiences in this manner, all the cards are on the table to work with and you can create a resolution together that can actually be effective because you both know the full picture. And as feelings change and shift, share those too. A good partner WANTS to know it all. They WANT to hear how you are feeling and working through your challenges. If your guy is so avoidant that he doesn’t want to know who you are, then that is a deeper issue that you don’t have control over – that’s on him and that’s on you for picking a partner who doesn’t want to know the truth of your struggles and experiences. Sometimes it’s workable if both people are willing to grow, so hopefully, he will choose that.
I also wanted to share another analogy that goes with the knowledge vs. wisdom diagram. It’s called The 5 Chapter Book: It’s a depiction of where we are at on the bridge of healing.
Chapter 1: you are walking down the street and fall in the hole.
Chapter 2: you are walking down the street, see the hole and fall in anyway.
Chapter 3: you are walking down the street, see the hole and walk around it.
Chapter 4: you are walking down the street and then decide to cross the street.
Chapter 5: you don’t walk down the street at all.In the hole, lives our limitations, fears, stories, programs, beliefs, low self-esteem etc. How we experience walking down the street is reflective of our relationship to what is in the hole. Chapter 1 is about ignorance – not knowing we have an insecurity until it shows up. Chapter 2 is being aware of it but still stepping into that pattern and hopefully gaining some perspective, understand and this is where we develop our knowledge. Chapter 5 is when you have arrived at wisdom. For example, I had the pattern of dating guys that were emotionally unavailable. I stayed in chapter 2 for many years. Chapter 2 is tough for everyone, because we tend to beat ourselves up for making the same choices over and over and over again. So I dated the “bad boys” for a handful of years. I knew EXACTLY what I was doing and I kept falling into that hole. BUT…I kept working on my low self-esteem until eventually, in my 20s, I cracked the pattern and got to chapter 5 – and have stayed there since. Occasionally a bad boy will cross my path and I’m tempted – not because of my patterns and low self-esteem, but more for the entertainment of the chase and the games I used to have to play and then conquering my “opponent.” LOL. Nonetheless, I just don’t walk down the street, because I worked with my relationship to that pattern and everything that “bridge of healing” showed me. So it’s a good way to identify where you are at with specific issues. Certain issues I’m still at chapter 2 and other issues I’m getting to chapter 5, but it’s a nice way to understand your progress.
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Good question! Give it some time. Explore and understand him more.
First, the MOST IMPORTANT thing is that he isn’t even divorced yet. That is a REALLY REALLY tough thing to go through. It’s life changing. It’s breaking an emotional and spiritual contract – and that has BIG impacts on a person…especially when it’s a “forever” contract that you made. He is not 100% emotionally available yet. To be honest, it’s probably going to take quite a while. I imagine he isn’t really doing anything to help himself through this tough time, like seeing a therapist or a men’s group or something. Most guys don’t take that route, which means…they don’t really end up dealing directly with their hurt, anger, resentment. Those feelings just get buried, only to be turned into a wall around their heart and accessed down the road when they get triggered again. So…it’s super risky business getting involved with a guy who isn’t even completely divorced yet and probably isn’t really processing everything. People think that just because they don’t “feel” all the feelings that come with divorce, that they are okay – when in reality, if they don’t feel those things, it just means it’s buried.
So it’s kind of good he lives and hour away. It keeps things moving slow between you guys. I know how tough it is being that you have been single for 4 years…so you are READY to jump in. He isn’t. I’m guessing this slow pace is EXACTLY his speed right now. Unfortunately, the slowest mover in any dating situation, is always the one that wins out. They are the ones that set the tone and you either honor and respect that, or honor what you need and find someone who is more of a match for you and emotionally available.
If you want to continue with him, it means letting him be who he is and not needing him to change a thing. I know this is hard for you and you are used to a lot more attention. What you are used to experiencing is more in the normal range, but again, this guy is not even divorced yet, so it’s not unusual for him to NEED to just be chill and not REALLY get involved on a deep level. He is great in person, he gets to have sex and then he gets to check in once a day with you, but not truly emotionally invest. He isn’t ready for that – and I know you are. This is one of those things where “timing” is off. He really shouldn’t be dating at all, because of this very thing. He is getting involved with a woman who WANTS a relationship and he doesn’t. He may have become exclusive with you, but it’s not really a relationship that is growing at a normal pace. It really is perfect for him in the sense that he doesn’t have to see you every day and start to merge lives. He gets to keep his distance and then once a week or once every other week, he gets to connect with you in person. It’s important for you to understand that this is what he NEEDS and WANTS.
I know you want him to move faster, but that means you are wanting more from him than he is willing to offer. Personally, I want a guy who naturally wants and needs to connect with me frequently and sets up his life and his time to be able to connect with me. NATURALLY. I personally don’t want to have to ask a guy to give me more attention. That doesn’t feel good for me and I imagine that doesn’t feel good for you too. So this is really about you understanding he isn’t available the way you want him to be available. I know he is in person, but that’s just once a week and sometimes less. Most guys can handle that. If you guys lived in the same area, I guarantee you, he wouldn’t be any more available than he is now – HE ISN’T READY. He is still wounded. You wanting more attention is like asking him to get up and go for a run with you, when he has a gaping cut on the bottom of his foot. He can’t. It’s also not so smart of him to put on running shoes and saying “I’ll go for a walk.” Meanwhile, you are a runner, so walking is not your speed. You need to slow down if you want to connected to this guy. I know it’s hard, but it’s what you are choosing. I know you won’t like this but…you can always respect and honor where he at in his life and honor your needs that you need more. You can always choose a different experience – which in the end…I think you will be more peaceful with that choice. The guy is not going to be available for a long time. So…it’s going to be you who is going to need to dance around and adjust to what he is able to offer. You are already wanting more from him, so can you imagine feeling that way for 6 more months? How long are you going to wait to be on the same page? You can’t be where he is at emotionally…it’s impossible. You are ready to build a life with someone. He can’t be where you are at…it’s impossible. He is not even divorced yet. So…the only way to make this work is for YOU to go his speed and put your needs aside. Can you do that?
Heidi
