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This is really good to hear! It sounds like you being more positive and speaking to him with more respect is really contributing. It also sounds like he is ready to make some changes for himself as well.
I’m curious…are you typically a negative person? What was your pattern before when talking with him? Did you criticize him a lot?
I’m glad you are working on being more positive. How are you doing that? Are you shifting your mindset? Are you choosing to see things from a different perspective? What is working for you?
It sounds like the troubles you were having in your marriage were pretty intense. It sounds like he wasn’t happy at all – but that has more to do with him than it does with you. From how you explained it – it seems he really pointed the finger at you for not making him feel happy and fulfilled. I hope you understand this is not YOUR job…this is HIS job. Every person is responsible for their own happiness…ALWAYS. Of course, there are always ways to improve yourself so as to be a better partner, but ultimately, his lack of feeling happy in his life is more about the baggage he carries.
It sounds like things are heading in the direction you want, so are you wanting to continue to get help? If yes, what specific questions do you have?
Heidi
Hi Pam,
Good job for working on yourself! I’m curious…what did you actually do to improve your self-esteem? Did you do therapy? Read some books? What made you NOT love yourself in the first place?
Okay…I’m going to be quite bold and blunt here and it may feel a bit harsh, but I promise, I am coming from a place of compassion for where you are at. What I want MOST for you, is to be able to connect to 100% truth about your agenda and what you want. With what you are saying, you seem quite confused, so hopefully after breaking all of this down a bit, you will feel more clear.
I don’t want to force my agenda on him Of course you want to force your agenda on him and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s actually quite normal – You love him and want him back, so everything you are doing is about trying to attract him again – hence staying connected to him. You DON’T have all the time in the world and you are more in a rush than you are willing to admit. If you weren’t in a rush, you wouldn’t be here inquiring about how to get him back. Again…there is nothing wrong or bad about any of it – what is MOST important is that you are 100% honest with yourself.
How can I show him that I accept his decision to live his life that way without losing him? Let’s just break this down a bit. You cannot show him that you accept his decision if it’s not actually true 100%. Accepting, in the truest meaning of the word, means you don’t need him to change. Accepting means you embrace who he is RIGHT NOW and you don’t need him to be any different. The truth is, you are accepting WITH CONDITIONS, so it’s not really acceptance. You will accept his decision to live his life the way he wants, AS LONG AS he “eventually” comes back to you. So there are strings attached here. Again…be really honest with yourself. It’s sooooo so important to be honest with yourself, first and foremost, because once this happens, you can then create movement forward with more clarity. It’s also a very important “muscle” to develop in yourself, because it will determine the quality of relationships you have with anyone. If you can’t be 100% honest with yourself, then you can’t offer that kind of honesty to anyone else, right?
I still want to have him in my life, but I also want it to go somewhere eventually. Soooo….does that mean that if you guys kept hanging out for another 2 years and he never made any advances to something romantic with you again, you would be okay with that? My guess is…probably not. Most people would not stick around, putting their entire life on hold, “waiting” for 2 years for someone to like them back. So what is your timeline? Are you willing to wait another year? Another 6 months? What is your limit? How long are you going to hold onto the idea of this guy before you are willing to TRULY accept that he is NOT in a place of wanting to commit?
I’m asking some tough questions here, because you are falling into a trap that is common for MANY women. You are young enough that it hasn’t tortured you for many years like it does soooooo many women (myself included). If you can acknowledge this now and recognize this trap, then you will save yourself a TON TON TON of heartache down the road.
What’s the trap? Loving the potential and NOT the reality. The reality of your situation is that he does not want to be with you 100%. A part of him does, but a BIGGER part of him doesn’t. So that part of him that wants to be with you, connects with you daily and keeps you on the hook. However, the BIGGER part of him keeps you at a distance while he goes and dates other girls and tells them that you are just a “friend” although he does not really behave that way. So he is quite confused for sure. While he is confused, you are quite clear about what you want. That’s the hard part. You keep hanging onto the vision (which is pure potential) that stops you from really being able to accept what is….RIGHT NOW. So again…the trap is loving and fully investing in POTENTIAL while ignoring the reality.
The thing is, what people don’t realize, is the moment they let go of the potential and the vision, it allows for other things to come in and change their life. You are so focused on having HIM as your person, that it stops you from seeing many other possibilities. And I’m not necessarily insinuating other guys here, as that is the smallest part of all of this. When any of us gets tunnel vision, about anything, there are always consequences to that. So what I like to suggest instead, is to have an expansive mindset. Have tunnel vision about the kind of relationship and love you want to experience – but instead of attaching this guy to that vision, you stay open for ANY guy to fill those shoes.
Now, with all of that being said, I will let you in on a SUPER IMPORTANT concept that I hope you will hold near and dear to your heart. YOU teach people how you want to be treated. So…by connecting with this guy on the daily and being 100% available and open-hearted to him WITHOUT him being invested in you the same way…you are teaching him this is okay. You are thinking that if somehow you can show him that you have changed and are better than before, then maybe he will come back to you. Let me say this in a different way…
Do you think it is a loving and caring thing for your heart to be invested with everything you have into a guy – but he isn’t giving you the same in return? Is that self-love? Is it self-love to keep creating a vision with a guy who doesn’t have the same vision??
Here’s the thing…guys are more attracted to a woman who carries herself with an incredible amount of respect and who has standards as to how she is treated. To put it bluntly, you are so easily accessible to him that he doesn’t ever have to work for you. He is dating and trying on different girls. You are someone he can keep coming back to – always – and get his “fix” because you are always available to him. A woman who values her heart, as if it is the MOST SACRED, MOST PRECIOUS thing she owns, would NOT allow anyone to play with her heart. She is clear about her standards and how she is treated and she does NOT negotiate away those standards for a subpar kind of connection. She values herself too much for that. THAT…is what a good man will fall for! The girls that are easy to get and the girls that do not REQUIRE them to treat them with respect, are the ladies that men don’t tend to play with vs. settle down with.
The thing is, you have to love yourself MORE than this substandard connection with him. You want to wait around until he figures out that you are worth having in his life??? Is that YOU respecting and honoring your heart? Is that you being self-loving? You are here trying to figure out what you can possibly say to get him back, but do you really want a guy who isn’t CLEAR, all on his own, that you are a woman he HAS TO HAVE in his life???
Something is stopping him from moving forward with you. Whatever it is, that’s HIS journey to take and not for YOU to try and say and be the “right” thing for him. If you value yourself, you set standards and say “look, you know how I feel. You are either in or out. I’m no longer doing this in-between kind of thing where we talk every day and build our connection while you are dating other girls and viewing me as your friend. I have feelings for you. I am NOT just a friend. This is not an okay design for me.” Yes, you might lose him completely AND you actually might become more attractive to him because you are setting some boundaries for yourself and requiring him to step up or step out. Either way, you are teaching him about you want to be treated – which is NOT being played with.
I know I have said a lot here, so let’s keep talking about this! There are many layers to this.
What are your thoughts? Feelings??
I’m hoping this wasn’t too harsh or frustrating for you. If it was, I fully invite your honesty! Your feeling matter!
Heidi
In today’s times, a variety of different therapies have been established that are much more impactful than talk therapy. AND…it’s always CRUCIAL that the therapist/client relationship is solid. So don’t give up. A therapy like EMDR has been deemed one of the top, most effective therapies for healing PTSD. I’ve ton it a TON (and of course, like anything, the practitioner matters A LOT) and the therapist I worked with was brilliant in her use of it. Sooooo much of my PTSD has cleared completely! I want to encourage you to not give up. Just because it didn’t work once, doesn’t mean there aren’t other options out there!
I love hearing that changing how you talk to him has been impactful! You said he has been opening up to you again, so I’m wondering what is happening that is making him ask for a divorce?
I’m not sure how to guide you into what to say, as there is very little information I’m going off of here. Would you be more specific with the areas you are struggling with? What EXACTLY is happening that is causing so much distress between you guys?
Heidi
Hi Pam,
Welcome! I can feel how much you really want him back. It’s so hard to feel so connected to someone and not have them reciprocate. Unrequited love is one of the worst feelings to face.
Why did you guys break up in the first place?
I know this is not what you want to hear, but it’s a pretty normal thing for people in your age group to date around – and it’s actually really important for development. So much of college is about experimenting and figuring out what you like and don’t like, what works and what doesn’t work…in every area of your life – including dating.
I’m curious what your vision is?
And do you really want to “make” anyone agree with your vision? Don’t you want a guy who naturally fits into your vision that doesn’t need to be convinced?
It also sounds like he is not really interested in talking about you and him as a couple. It sounds like he just wants to hang out, keep you on the hook because you give him attention, but not really do anything beyond that. Whatever feelings he does have, it sounds like he is split. He probably has feelings for you, but also is still interested in dating other girls as well. This is pretty normal for a college level mindset.
I want to think about letting him go. This mindset that you have to “make him see your vision” is about you trying to make him fit into YOUR idea, because it’s what you want. This is NOT the kind of mindset that makes a relationship successful. The kind of mindset you want to work on is ACCEPTANCE. When you are able to see who he is, how he wants to live and be in his life, and you ACCEPT that instead of trying to change him, this is you honoring and respecting who they are WITHOUT trying to force YOUR agenda onto him. By accepting, this also will help him feel respected by you, which will help him feel safe to be around you. Guys will typically set up SUPER STRONG walls when they feel a woman is trying to push them into something they are not ready for.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
You show passion and uniqueness by being more descriptive vs. listing what you like to do. For example, you say every time that you like kayaking, hiking and photography. A lot of people like those things, but what makes you unique is WHY you like those things. What about those things make you feel alive? What about those activities are so important for you? Be more descriptive about each activity. Although some spaces are very short, there are a couple of other areas where you can dive into what makes you tick.
When it comes to the question, what are you looking for in a relationship, is it really eyes and smile? Those are things that are physical traits and have nothing to do with the quality of a relationship. I’m surprised you made this answer so short and general, considering there was more space to write something. Best friend, companion and someone to share things with. Again…this is something I would say everyone is looking for, so how can you be more specific to YOU in what you want? Say something different. Remember, everyone dating online is reading profiles after profile after profile. When I used to experiment with profiles that I was writing for people, the ones that ALWAYS caught more attention, were the ones that said something different. For example, “I would choose to have a food fight over going out to a fine dining restaurant” – that immediately portrays that you are playful and love to have fun, right? And it’s not something that is said in every other profile. Describing yourself in a way that is more descriptive and unique can spice things up a bit.
J-Date, although Jewish, is still open to all kinds of people. You don’t have to be Jewish. It’s like eHarmony that marketed to Christians but anyone can join. Hinge is only an app. Bumble is the one where only the woman can reach out. If a guy matches with you, you then are able to initiate contact. Guys are not able to reach out to you until you initiate a conversation with them.
Heidi
Have you ever tried Eharmony? I think I remember asking you about that before, but can’t remember what you said. Or have you tried Jdate? Bumble? Hinge?
Maybe it’s time to try a new site that you haven’t been on yet.
Your profile feels kind of…not sure what the word is, but it’s lacking life force. I’m not really sensing or feeling your passion, your life force, your uniqueness. It honestly feels like a profile of someone who has been doing this for so long that’s it has become mundane and not exciting anymore. Maybe that’s how you feel?
Maybe consider not dating for a while. Just keep going to events, but what if you just stopped looking for a while? Fill up your life with other things while you get re-oriented to this new life you are creating. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Have you ever tried Eharmony? I think I remember asking you about that before, but can’t remember what you said. Or have you tried Jdate? Bumble? Hinge?
Maybe it’s time to try a new site that you haven’t been on yet.
Your profile feels kind of…not sure what the word is, but it’s lacking life force. I’m not really sensing or feeling your passion, your life force, your uniqueness. It honestly feels like a profile of someone who has been doing this for so long that’s it has become mundane and not exciting anymore. Maybe that’s how you feel?
Maybe consider not dating for a while. Just keep going to events, but what if you just stopped looking for a while? Fill up your life with other things while you get re-oriented to this new life you are creating. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through. That’s incredibly intense. Has he ever tried therapy like EMDR? Or Hypnotism? Doing ketamine protocols can absolutely help, but it doesn’t help him develop any kind of skillset to handle stressors in life. I’m wondering why he decided to stop treatment? What was your marriage like in the beginning? When did all of these issues show up?
Let me ask you this….let’s say you were able to say some “magic words” that inspire him to stay in the marriage. Then what? All the issues in the relationship are not going to change and you will still have a challenging marriage. How long are YOU going to stay in a marriage that is more challenging than it is nourishing?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through. That’s incredibly intense. Has he ever tried therapy like EMDR? Or Hypnotism? Doing ketamine protocols can absolutely help, but it doesn’t help him develop any kind of skillset to handle stressors in life. I’m wondering why he decided to stop treatment? What was your marriage like in the beginning? When did all of these issues show up?
Let me ask you this….let’s say you were able to say some “magic words” that inspire him to stay in the marriage. Then what? All the issues in the relationship are not going to change and you will still have a challenging marriage. How long are YOU going to stay in a marriage that is more challenging than it is nourishing?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Would love to hear how things are going for you. Any new updates? Did you decide to have that conversation with him?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Would love to hear an update for you. Any thoughts on what I said? Any new developments?
Heidi
I LOVE doing fires in a park or while camping. There is something so beautiful and peaceful about having a fire while outside. Do you get good stars where you are at? Here, we don’t see many, because there are so many lights. Although, a few hours away is one of the very few officially designated spots for star gazing. I forget what they call it, but it’s a place where there are no lights allowed, so you get to a gazillion stars. It’s on my list of things to do this summer – also going to see the big foot museum. LOL. Apparently, it’s pretty cool! We shall see 🙂
Whenever you are ready, Spyce or I will help you switch some things up in your profile.
What exactly are you going to do for your remodel?
Have a fun weekend! Hope you find some owls.
Heidi
Hi Glenise,
It sounds like you are hurting quite a bit. You are in the midst of losing your guy and discovering there is nothing you can do about it. That is a very powerless feeling and, in my opinion, it’s one of the most difficult emotions to deal with.
Would you mind sharing more details about your situation? How long were you together? What is happening for him that he feels he needs to focus on himself more? Is he feeling stressed? Did something at work change? What has happened?
Sometimes, a soul just knows when it’s time to do some focused, internal work. Trust that. I know you want to get back together, but loving someone also means trusting their process, even if it means you are not part of their journey. It doesn’t mean it has to be a forever thing – it might be or maybe your paths will cross again…who knows. I know you don’t want to feel the hurt of letting him go, but loving means letting go when it’s the best thing for him…and he knows what is best for him right now.
When we face the feeling of powerlessness, the first place we can find any kind of peace, is in the acceptance of what is happening. A lot of pain accompanies that peace, but it’s just the beginning of the healing journey. When you stop fighting what is happening, you can rest. AND….it allows for other things to come in and help you heal, help you continue to move forward and help you find joy again. It’s going to take time, but none of that will happen if all you are focusing on, is getting him back.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh fun! It sounds like you are going to have a few adventures! I love that! The more fun you have, the more fulfilled you will feel. I’m glad you got a good raise so that you can cover yourself for all of those things!
If he’s that pushy now, he’s probably not going to respect me later, so I think I’ll let him go. Yep! Good job sensing that! Let the guy go!
And no, I’m not getting a lot of attention Do you think it has to do with being on the sites for so long? I know it’s not uncommon for the attention to trickle in after being a long-time member. I know you have been on and off with the same sites for many years now. Are you coming across a lot of new members on all the different sites? Also, we’d be happy to help you shift your profile some again, if you want to change things up.
I have 2 friends and that’s about it. I only have 1 friend and she now has a boyfriend. All my closest friends live in other states and I never see them, so I understand how that can cause you to feel lonely as I have felt that many times. I keep my focus on everything I DO have and I keep focusing on everything I like about myself as a person. I make sure I am out in the nature a lot and I also make sure I am still social. And you know what? I’d say about 95% of the time, I live my life feeling quite fulfilled and peaceful. I want to encourage you to work with those lonely feelings and desires instead of trying to constantly look for an external source to fix how you feel. Just a thought.
Heidi
I’m so glad your check came in! Finally creating some closure! What do you mean you promised God you’d give him your check? Did you donate it to church or something?
Good for Deb following through this time around. Looking for snow owls sounds like so much fun! Do you know where they nest or something?
I understand you getting nervous about a guy wanting to talk more immediately offline. I find everyone does it differently and how long people have been on dating sites, it greatly impacts how they approach everything. You get to do you – is there an issue with you just saying no to those guys who move fast for your taste? Are there not any men that are more your speed that you are coming across?
Rhonda, you are doing everything you can to meet a man both online and organically. You go to meetup groups, you go to church functions, you are out and about going to places that you can meet a guy. I’m not sure there is much more you can do, other than just trusting that a guy will show up and connect with you when the timing is right.
Now that you are back home, are you feeling the desire to find a guy has really increased?
Heidi
