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Good to hear from you! Thank you for sharing more about your situation! It’s a tough one you are dealing with for sure!
But I was so uncomfortable and felt disrespected by the contrast of communication, and comfort he shared with the girl compared to any other friend he has ever had. Of course you are uncomfortable being a witness to this! It tapped into your insecurities and abandonment issues. The way you handled though, is by trying to control him and be his “mommy” telling him he is not allowed to have that friend anymore. Instead, facing your fear of abandonment and working with your insecurities and owning your reaction, instead of blaming him, would have been the path to take. Also communicating how it made you feel would have been important too. But…still leaving him the choice of what to do about that. I personally would have gotten really curious about what was happening for him. I would have asked a lot of questions like “you respond to her differently compared to your other female friends. I admit that makes me insecure and that’s my issue, but I’m always wondering what it is about her. What do you like about her so much?” So talking about it with him on a deeper level would be a way for you to feel connected to him and understand him more deeply instead of just telling him he can’t be friends with her. After working with your own reaction and talking with him about it, you might have actually felt very different about the whole thing. Or…maybe not, as maybe he still was choosing to be close to her in a way that was inappropriate. I don’t know. But if his choice was the latter, YOU would have a decision to make. If he chose to keep that friendship and cause separation between you and him, that is something you need to know about him, right? You would either have to accept it, or you would need to consider leaving – THE MOST IMPORTANT part here is that you accept him for exactly who he is…even if that means you leave him. Doing what you did by trying to control him, started you both down a path where there is less respect, safety and resentment between you guys. That’s not the way to stay together, is it? And it sounds like neither of you really have the skillset about how to navigate this in a healthy way. Maybe consider getting help? Would he be willing to work with relationship coach or maybe you guys can do a weekend retreat for couples or maybe read a book together about how to work through challenges?
So I was not confident in his effort not to let that happen. How come? You are basically saying you don’t trust him and his process and if that is really true, that is a MAJOR crack in your relationship that needs to be looked at.
He can be a vindictive person when he feels hurt or disrespected. He is not the best negotiator. I also feel like he grew up believing that he is emotionally and intellectually superior than most people because of how much trauma he went through. My guess is, this contributes to you not feeling safe with him and trusting him at the very core, but you probably have ignored this for many, many years and you want to keep ignoring these feelings.
So I empathize with that and usually submit to his “it’s my way or the highway” approach to disagreement. I have abandonment issues from childhood so I’m a big people pleaser and will try anything to make someone happy. These patterns go together really well. It’s how you guys have been able to function for so long together. AND…it’s also a pattern that will destroy you guys over time. As long as you stay the “people pleaser” everything will always be fine. If you ever start to navigate outside of that, like asking him to not be friends anymore with that girl, you will pay the price for that – and that is what he is teaching you with his response to your need to control him for once vs. the other way around.
Also, I didn’t mention this last time, but I had actually approached the girl woman to woman to tell her that her relationship with my boyfriend has my blessing as long as she respects me and the relationship. Again, you stepped into the mommy role with this girl giving her your “blessing” as if you are “allowing” her to be his friend with rules in place. Of course she was irritated by that and felt like she didn’t need your blessing. That’s actually true. She can do and be whatever she wants, whenever she wants and doesn’t need your permission for any of it.
Given all of these things, what could I have done differently? How should I address this with my boyfriend if it happens again? I already answered the first part, but what should you do if it happens again? Well…I think you need to deal with RIGHT NOW because although you guys are being respectful and “peaceful” together, there is an underlying current of negative energy that is not be addressed or worked through. It’s toxic and will destroy you guys, slowly but surely.
What do you suggest for us to be able to actually talk and figure out solutions to move forward and grow from this experience? Both of you have some REALLY big triggers that were activated through all of this that are not easy fixes. You both are dealing with those triggers by trying to gain control over the other person – that’s what children do to each other. It will break you guys and there will be no wedding in 2 years. Again, you guys need help. If he isn’t willing to learn another way to handle his vindictiveness, then you have a guy who will ALWAYS be like that. He will ALWAYS need you to be subservient to him, so if you want to stay with him, you will always need to put his needs above your own. And you will lose yourself in order to stay with him. So if you don’t want that, then go get help for yourself and start to understand more about your people pleasing pattern and your fear of abandonment. If this relationship is going to be healthy, you BOTH have some learning and growing to do TOGETHER. If you don’t do this together, then the relationship will break at some point.
I know I said a lot of things that may have been hard to hear. You guys are in trouble and you both are destructive to each other and your own selves when hurt is involved. So the foundation of which your relationship is standing on, it crazy unstable and broken. It’s absolutely fixable, but you both have to be willing to do the work.
Heidi
Hi Azamit,
Welcome! We are glad you are here. You have a very intense situation that is quite delicate and extremely layered. It’s pretty awful to watch your guy start to connect with another woman in an uncomfortable way and then not have your guy respond in a way that shows you he wants to protect the relationship. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this and seeing this about him.
My guess is, his reaction is not a new thing. He is turning your feelings into “you are trying to control me” – which sounds like a pretty big trigger for him. Did he have controlling parents? This trigger that has been activated in him, is very child-like kind of thinking and he is making THAT the issue instead of truly looking at why he is connecting with this woman in ways that are making you feel uncomfortable.
And now…he is being passive-aggressive about your friends. It’s the “you hurt me so now I’m going to hurt you so you can see how it feels” kind of behavior – which again, is very childlike type of behavior. You definitely have pushed a VERY LARGE button of his that has A LOT of baggage connected to it. That is why I am guessing you have seen some flavor of this pattern before with him, especially considering how long you guys have been together.
What you are seeing is a coping mechanism and those get developed as a child and stay with us forever. As we heal, those coping mechanisms are more easily managed and controlled. I know for me personally, I can be VERY passive-aggressive if I get hurt enough. But I am able to manage it, because I know where it’s coming from, I have a skill set to manage the little girl energy that wants to hurt back, and I have people in my life that hold me accountable. As long as he does nothing with the baggage he carries, he will always sabotage – and not take responsibility for what he is doing. The way he is behaving tells you how fragile he is emotionally. It also might be that you are pointing out something he KNOWS is dangerous and his big reaction can be a way to “cover up” him knowing that you are right. Kind of like someone being caught in a lie, and they have a BIG protest in efforts to convince the other person they are wrong.
I don’t know what is true for him or what is happening. But what I do know, is that his reaction is causing a BIG wall to come up for you. How can you possibly feel safe with him? He is choosing to create division instead of working WITH you through this.
I DO NOT suggest to ever give in to his “demands” of wanting to control your life. So him saying your friend cannot come over anymore, is not acceptable. I don’t know if you said this to him, but you trying to control how much he communicates with that woman, is also not okay. Anytime one adult is trying to tell the other adult what they can and cannot do, only for the benefit of themselves so they can feel more comfortable in their lives, that is controlling behavior and having “power over” another person instead of being IN RELATIONSHIP with that person.
I know relationships are about compromise many times, but that doesn’t sound like what is happening here, so you guys are off track and resentment and trust and safety are being broken in the process.
Thoughts on everything so far?
Heidi
Hi Emily,
Great to hear from you!! I’m sooooo glad to hear your update. I love you both are feeling more grounded, took a step back and are choosing to enjoy the “collecting data” phase. Good job for not moving in together!!! And it sounds like the sex challenge has been resolved for now. Now that both you an him know this is a physical response he has to stress or pressure, it most likely will show up again, but at least you’ll know where it’s coming from.
We have a month to explore and then I leave to travel with work. Are you leaving for a while or something? Traveling is such a good thing for relationships. You both get to feel different things about each other because of what the absence brings up in both of you. You guys should download the Marco Polo app. It’s one of my favorite apps that helps me keep in touch with friends living in different states and countries. It’s a way you guys can video message each other. So you leave a video for him and it sits in the bottom portion of your screen in the “feed” and when you have time, you listen and then respond with your own video. It’s a way to stay connected, especially with busy schedules. With the paid version, you can also leave audio messages, text messages and there are all kinds of fun add-ons that can spice up your messages. Even connecting that way on a daily basis can be fun. While you are driving to work, you can send him a message telling him some thoughts you have or just send him a kiss. Visual is sooooo much more powerful than text. Just a thought!
Out of curiosity, do you have any understanding, with yourself at least, as to why you tend to attach so quickly? Now that you have slowed down and feel more in balance, what shifted and helped you both get to this space?
Heidi
dialling me until he answers and begging him to reassure me that there is no other woman in his life 😆 I’m glad to hear that you have stopped obsessively calling or messaging him and no you wait and are much more patient. When you do that, you are projecting your insecurities onto HIM and not taking responsibility that those are YOUR insecurities and for YOU to work with. Besides, this is the EXACT behavior that his mom does to him. So maybe you can have a little understanding about what she feels like when she feels threatened by losing him. She loses herself and will do anything to pull him back in, so she can feel secure again.
but he feels trapped and paralysed and doesn’t know how to take the first steps. I guess I feel a lot of empathy for him because for a long time, that was honestly me too. He is in a really tough situation. I’m glad you have empathy for him, as you understand what this feels like. AND…”he doesn’t know how” is not a REAL reason. He didn’t know how to be a ferry captain, but he learned, didn’t he? He will face “not knowing” a MILLION times in life – we all do. It’s more important that you really watch what he does with that. If he stays paralyzed, then his fears are greater than what he wants. This will make a relationship with him EXTREMELY difficult, because he doesn’t have the skillset or trust in HIMSELF to be the captain of his life. So…you will end up mothering him by doing everything FOR him – probably the same as what his mother does.
He had a very privileged upbringing and has also told me on numerous occasions that he wants this for his own children. How do you feel about this? Do you agree? What exactly does he want for his own children that is the same as what he got?
And considering the upbringing he has had, it’s truly remarkable how much he is his own person. I see so much courage there. He is a skipper or a captain on a steam boat currently. It is not a well paid job but he does it with such focus and pride and that was what won me to him in the first place. He did this because he wanted to and not because his parents did. And he is a much kinder, more compassionate person than either of them. He has imagination and soul Everything you say about him is really beautiful! He sounds like an incredibly sensitive and deeply caring person and I can see why you feel so safe with him. I wish this were enough. You are not looking at the WHOLE picture. You are just looking at his best qualities – and that is where you will run into trouble. As wonderful as he is, he is not available for a relationship. Not with you and not with anyone. As long as he is living at home and subservient to his parents, he will NEVER become the kind of MAN needed in order to become a husband and father. He is still very child-like. His life is built around the approval of his parents. It sounds like he is aware of that, but that’s just the first step. He has no clue of the toxic connection that is happening, especially between him and his mother. As long as he has no clue and continues to source that kind of connection, he will NEVER be available for another woman in a healthy way. Mum will ALWAYS come first – guaranteed.So yes, he is amazing and incredibly kind-hearted AND he is still a child and not developmentally capable of being a grown man building a life with another woman. Unfortunately, the latter is more powerful than how wonderful he is….it always works that way. As I said before, it’s the limitations of a person that determine the quality of the connection and relationship and not the best of someone.
There were a couple of occasions when she thought of reasons why he couldn’t come and stay with me, like her husband was away on a business trip and she didn’t want to be on her own, How you are explaining her relationship with her son is so incredibly toxic. She has turned him into her surrogate husband. She has programmed him into being the kind of son that NEVER “abandons” her and leaves her. ANY woman to come into his life, she will sabotage, because that means she will be replaced and she will NOT allow that to happen. Any person programming their son to be this way is INCREDIBLY fragile and only interested in self-serving. She sounds quite narcissistic. But how can I stop her seeing me as a threat? You can’t. And moreso, it’s not your job. The ONLY way for any woman to come into his life, would be HIM making that decision to uncouple from his parents…especially his mom. Being the kind of person she is, she will do everything she can to ruin him, if he ever chose to walk away from her…even to the point of becoming sick or something, in order to draw him back in. They are so incredibly enmeshed and the only way for that to change, is he has to be willing to lose her. Until then, you don’t have a chance against her.
Can you please advise me on what I can do to encourage him to see me as the person he should turn to? I want us to star in our own beautiful story and I truly want us to be running around dodging bullets hand in hand. How can I encourage him to see me in that way, too? Everything you want with him is so beautiful. I’m going to be blunt here…this is NOT about you. Him not seeing you in the ways that you want him to see you, are because his mom is in that role. She is who he turns to first. She is who he will spend the rest of his life with, as long as he chooses to stay in this type of connection. He knows he needs therapy, but he isn’t doing anything about it. He doesn’t make much money, so it’s a great excuse to NEED to stay home and stay limited in his ability to create a life of his own.
I’m so sorry! I know this is not what you want to hear. He truly sounds like an amazing, beautiful person. I wish that were enough. The problems he is facing are MASSIVE and incredibly scary. Even if somehow, you were to help lure him away from his mother, he would have NO CLUE how to operate without her. She has so programmed him to rely on her voice, her opinion, her advice, that he doesn’t even know who he is separate from her. So…if he were to separate, it would take a VERY LONG time for him to figure out who the heck he is, all on his own. A natural response would be for him to jump from one mommy to another. So most likely, he would start relying on YOU to tell him what to do and where to go and who to be in the world. As I said, he is underdeveloped socially. He didn’t have permission to go through normal, rebellious, separation, so he has grown into his 20’s without learning independence. When someone grows up having too much of their needs met, they have no clue how to handle disappointment. So imagine what would happen if he separated from his mother, chose you instead, and then you and him get into an argument. Where is he going to go? How is he going to handle that? He would be sooooo lost and hurt and feel alone and guaranteed, he will just go running back to mommy, because she raised him to be quite crippled and dependent on her…and if not her, he will be dependent on you.
He just doesn’t have the skillset or knowledge or ability to be in a healthy, adult relationship. I know he makes you feel amazing and I know you keep wanting to “fix” this, but this is not a fixable kind of thing. You will always lose to his mother. If you want that, then all you need to do is become subservient to her too. You would need to support and join the toxic connection. That is the only way to have him. You would need to defer to HER for all your troubles, you would need to look to HER for advice, you would need to treat her like she is THE queen and THE source. You would have to lose your independence and become dependent on her. That’s the only way she would see you as safe and not a threat. She would need to be the center of your relationship with him.
Heidi
Hi Abbie,
Thanks for sharing a bit more and sharing how you feel! Giving up is not your only option here, so let me clarify. It’s important to understand people’s behaviors, especially your own behavior – so you can understand what is ACTUALLY happening and what is sourcing behavior. I can’t tell you how many times I found myself strongly attracted to a man, but he was far from the right kind of guy for me. I really started to explore what was happening inside of ME, when I was in my 20s. I started to look at “why” I was attracted to these guys. I discovered MANY subconscious stories and beliefs that were sourcing my attraction, in efforts to get my needs met. Sometimes, I was bored, so I would like a guy. Sometimes, I needed a self-esteem boost, so I would like a guy. Sometimes, I was avoiding feeling alone so I would like a guy. My point being, I actually didn’t truly, authentically like any of those guys but I didn’t actually know that – because what was sourcing that attraction, lived in my subconscious – until I started watching myself. I learned to ALWAYS question my attraction and see where it was coming from. I’m telling you this because there are a few things you have said, that lead me to believe that hooking up with this guy, even the “friendship” you shared and him chasing you for 3 years, was actually more about sourcing you during a failing marriage. Now that you are getting divorced, you want a commitment – but in reality, you are not allowing yourself to feel all the emotions about your marriage failing and your contract with him ending – you are just wanting to step right back into a relationship with a guy you haven’t even dated and gotten to know on a romantic level, to know if he would even be a match for you. So, my guess is, your subconscious is driving your desires. I want to encourage you to REALLY slow down and look at how you are feeling about your marriage ending. Anger? Frustration? Hurt? Resentment? Guilt? Shame? Fear? I had for my marriage when it went sour and now I don’t have my husband or him so I am so alone. This statement right hear is your subconscious saying “I am terrified to be alone and I don’t want to feel that” AND it would be a VERY good reason to want to connect in another man, have sex and want a commitment….so you don’t have to feel alone.
I’m not saying you and this guy can’t be together, but the way you are approaching this and speed at which you want to jump in, it’s not coming from a clear mind and heart. Your heart and mind are FULL while dealing with the loss of your husband and the loss of your identity. When you clear all of that out and THEN you still feel you want to be with this new guy, then go for it! Otherwise, hopping in with him now, would most likely ruin any kind of long term success with him. You are want to step into a new relationship without clearing out the baggage of the old one – and that baggage you are carrying from your marriage will make any new relationship EXTREMELY difficult.
Does this make sense?
so he did admit that he won’t let me work for him because he would be too distracted and I haven’t really upped my game for him. What does “I haven’t really upped my game for him” mean? You haven’t looked your best around him? Does it really matter? Don’t you want a guy who is attracted to you, just for who you are naturally – without the dresses and makeup and heels?
I think we ruined our friendship and we can’t go back and I hate that. This isn’t true. I have had many one night stands with “friends” and in time, our friendship returned. The best way to do that is for YOU to get clear about what you need to do right now. I would suggest working with someone. Find a coach, find a divorce support group, find someone to work with who deals with breakups and face your fears of being alone and face all the other emotions that you are wanting to avoid. Clear your heart and mind! Take your focus off of this new guy and put it onto yourself. Besides, doing something like that allows space for new friends to come into the picture and you will be less reliant on the new guy – which is healthy!
Plus, aa much as I don’t want to admit the mutual friend who has us married with kids has always been correct about things in my life and it creeps me out. You are giving your friend too much power in your life. So what that she has been right? Does it really matter? If she sees you with him and you guys have kids and what not…then that is what she sees. DO NOT let her vision of your life be the reason for you doing anything. That is you giving HER the power to know what is best for you, instead of YOU deciding that for yourself. I’ve had plenty of people do the same thing to me, but I just hear it and then put it aside and live my life. I guide myself.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Ha! Good ol’ technology. It’s such a powerless feeling isn’t it? I love how you chose to pray about it. Good job! It’s one of the best ways to just put into other hands besides your own.
How long is your trip to Austria? I sure hope the weather is good for you! I can’t wait to hear about it!
Has the contract come through?
Hi Abigail,
Thank you for sharing all of these details. It’s helpful. I’ll go ahead and respond here, but want to ask you to start your own thread. You can stick to the same category of “tricky relationship situation..” but just post it under your own name. It’s easier for us coaches to keep track that way and make sure we are getting to everyone.
It sounds like your situation is quite complicated and very layered. You are stepping into a new connection and immediately wanting a commitment and you are not even divorced yet. This raises a lot of flags. And now that you have had sex with him and wanting something more, this guy is saying that is not what he wants.
It sounds like this guy is probably more of a player than anything OR he is not interested in being your rebound guy. Either way, what is MOST IMPORTANT to do, is to LISTEN to what he is telling you. His actions and his words are saying the same exact thing. He will have sex with you and offered FWB awhile back and he is telling you he doesn’t want a commitment – he is interested in sex though – which he has been clear about, right?
So if his words and actions are saying the same thing – then LISTEN! Spending your energy trying to change who he wants to be or change how he feels about you, is a dangerous game to play with your heart. Would you be willing to just let him be? I love that you set a standard, so honor that and let him go. If he is ever ready to step into something more serious with you, then he can make that effort and let you know. Otherwise, assume the door is closed and that he is not an option.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Remember to post your response in your own thread. Thanks!
Hi Miss S,
Welcome! I genuinely want to give you a gazillion gold stars for taking the initiative with your healing, getting to know yourself and owning up to how you impacted him. It sounds like you have learned A LOT and that you experimenting with how to implement things so he can feel supported, seen and connected with you. Your situation was intense and extremely challenging, but it sounds like you both have found a way back to each other and it sounds like you have quite a strong connection with each other.
I’m not particularly in a rush, as it does feel a bit like we have all of the good bits and none of the bad bits, but it concerns me that he won’t tell his parents we are in a relationship, or stick up for me in front of them. It does sound like you both are experiencing the best bits of each other right now. I’m wondering though, being that he has very controlling parents and that he struggles with depression – has he ever gotten help with those things? Is he the type to do the kind of stuff you are doing, so he can heal and grow? If not, then the “bad” bits might end up causing separation again. If he hasn’t learned a new skillset or worked on his wounds and finding more healthy ways to stay connected, even in the midst of hardship, it will make the “bad” bits really tough to navigate with him…especially the more healthy you yourself become.
Your worry about him and his parents is valid and probably true. He most likely will just step right into his patterning about how he relates to his parents and NOT protect you – and he most likely is NOT committing to you “officially” because of his parents. If his parents have THAT MUCH influence over him, then there is nothing you can do about it. You are fighting a losing battle as long as he chooses his parents over himself and what he wants. This is something for you to truly pay attention to. If you cannot accept this about him, then you are stepping into a situation where you are going to be abandoned and hurt over and over and over again whenever his parents are involved. He is still behaving like a child with them…giving them the authority and control over his life. I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing or just how his parents are, but YOU cannot fight that battle for him. Mostly likely, it’s a core reason why he is dealing with depression.
I always tell people that one of the first things you look for in a long term partner, is how they handle stress. How do they treat you? How do they treat themselves? How do they treat others involved? Because it’s the worst of us that will make or break a relationship, not the best of us. You guys are absolutely beautiful and amazing in your best selves, but not so great in your worst selves. You however, have grown, worked on yourself, got some coaching and you are finding ways to improve that. If your partner does not approach his challenges in the same way, then you are the one growing and he is not…he will stay stuck in the same pattern and pull you into those patterns every single time – and that absolutely can cause resentment to grow, it will create a wall between you and you will not feel emotionally safe with him….so no matter how great things are when things are good, those underlying currents of energy will slowly wear down the best of connections until there is eventually a break.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
i am still confused where that leaves us but when i asked him if this was the end of if we are still together he simply responded with “ i need some time to just be by myself right now”.. The way I am interpreting this, is he just wants to only think about himself and no one else right now. Basically, that is him saying he doesn’t want to have to think about you right now. Does that mean you are broken up? Well…that is really up to you. If you want to wait around for when he does feel like he wants to think about you again, you get to do that. The hard part about this, is he is being deployed, so trying to have a long distance relationship with a guy who is really confused right now…well, it’s going to be tough to to come back together and connect.
i want to send him the message you told me to send but he just reads my messages and doesn’t reply anymore so i’m not sure if i should keep messaging him after he never responds It doesn’t matter if he responds or not. You are sending the message for yourself. If he responds, then great. If not, it doesn’t matter. You are sending a message of support and encouragement and letting him know you are working on your own stuff. Then let it go. Don’t expect a response. Again, that message is more about expressing how you feel and NOT changing how he is behaving. If you are looking for a specific outcome, then don’t send it.
i can take this time to work on myself but i am not ready to give up what we had and throw away 2 years of memories we have made and love we have shared I’m not saying you have to give him up. Hold on for as long as you want to. It doesn’t change that the only thing you have control or influence over, is yourself. You cannot make him talk, you cannot make him connect with you, you cannot make him be different than he is right now. Focus on what you CAN do…and that is working on yourself. Everything else, you need to take a step back and let go of. Let him go…meaning let him be who he needs to be right now and stop trying to find ways to make him connect with you. Let go of needing him to be different for you so you can get back to feeling good. Focus on finding ways to feel good WITHOUT him in your life for right now.
Heidi
I wonder if your digestive issues are because of the water you are drinking. Water has such a BIG impact on our system and you did not grow up in that area. It’s not unusual for people to have tummy problems from the water when they travel. I hope it resolves for you when you get home and settled. Life is hard when you are in pain and discomfort.
I’m sorry about the government ID problems you are having. You have been through soooooo much in your transitions. Somehow you always end up on your feet – you are quite resilient. You are ALMOST there!!!!! I am so excited for you!
Heidi
Hi Abigail! We are so glad you are here and asking for a different perspective. Well done! I absolutely can see why you feel very confused. Stick with us as we continue to unpack all of this for you. My goal is to help find more clarity and peace about the situation.
You asked for the “tough love” so here it is. You are doing what a lot of women do…you are blaming yourself for how this situation has turned out so far. You are asking very common questions like “Should I have done this? Did I do this wrong? Should I have said this?” I’m just going to stop you there and want to connect you to a bigger, deeper, universal truth….you DO NOT have control over what is happening….EVER. He is a sovereign being which means he gets to be and do what he wants ALWAYS. You did not make him do anything by what you said or didn’t say, did or didn’t do or anything about you. You were just being yourself. Don’t you want a guy who is inspired by your authentic self and has NOTHING stopping him from wanting more of you?? So…you thinking that had you been different than you were in order to produce a different result…that’s just an illusion. This is not about just you…it’s about the mixture of BOTH you and him. So even if you had been more direct, it doesn’t change who HE is and how he is handling everything.
So let’s look at how he is handling everything and what is important for you to understand about it. It’s obvious he is confused and he is fearful. Why did he initiate a meetup when he was committing to this other woman? My educated guess is that he is scared. He hasn’t committed to anyone since being engaged and he is taking a big risk by becoming exclusive. He most likely reached out to test how he felt. My guess is, he was testing you as well. He might have wanted to see your reaction and what you would do and say. He also probably wanted to see how he felt around you compared to how he felt around the other woman. The thing is…none of this really matters actually. WHat matters is that you are paying attention to how he handling this. Take away all his reasons for doing what he did and just look at what he did. By his simple actions alone, it’s pretty obvious he is confused…which is why you are confused. If he is confused, then he is NOT ready to be with you, or any other woman for that matter. Fear can really muck things up, but you want a guy who knows how to face his fears and not run from them. You want a guy who knows how be honest and authentic and honoring to you AND his fears, and not a guy who is playing games in order to figure out how he really feels.
I have full confidence that the behavior was also not just intended to cause me pain or hurt, as I don’t think this man is capable of such maliciousness, and the two previous times we sort of “broke up”/decided we shouldn’t see one another, t was his decision and not mine, and I do not think he likes to hurt me, or people generally – he was always very guilty and sorry on those past occasions. Again, it doesn’t matter whether he “likes” to hurt you or other or not. First, if he did enjoy it on some level, there is no way you would ever know that. I used to find pleasure in seeing the guys I dated, get hurt by the loss of me. Why? Because it made me feel like I mattered. It was kind of like a drug for my self-esteem. My childhood fostered a lot of low self-esteem, so my psyche figured out ways to keep my head above water. There is no way I ever would have admitted that to ANYONE and no one ever new that I found pleasure in a guy’s hurt. Second, even if he does feel guilty and apologizes, it doesn’t change that it happened. If there is a pattern of this behavior, saying sorry all he wants, does not change he is hurting people. What is he doing to shift, learn or grow from his challenges? What does he know about his patterns and behaviors and where they come from??
I worry I’m just seeing it in a way to give myself false hope, which obviously will be worse for me long term than accepting that this is never going anywhere. This guy sounds like a very normal, good guy, doing the best he can with the wounds he carries. You wouldn’t have feelings for him if you didn’t see the goodness he brings in your life and into the world. AND…CONNECTION DOES NOT EQUAL COMPATIBILITY!!! I cannot emphasize that enough. You have chemistry with him and you feel attraction. That is NOT enough to equal a relationship. I remember this one guy that would send my heart into my stomach just by his smile. We had a great time talking and laughing, BUT I also saw so many red flags that I knew if I fostered and nourished the connection, I would end up really getting hurt.
Before bonding and connecting with someone with your very beautiful and sacred heart, you need to “interview” them. Your heart is the job and you are the CEO. Any guy who shows interest needs to pass several layers of an interview before they get the job. Any corporate company that has high-paying, high-status, high-profile jobs, submits applicants to several different interviews and tests. Why not do that with your heart??? Your heart is just as valuable, right? One thing I always tell people is you NEVER know who someone is until you see them at their worst. How does he treat you when he is REALLY upset? Or stressed? Or angry? Or hurt? Or feeling betrayed? How does he treat himself? How does he treat others? The shadow side of us is what ultimately will break or make a relationship work. That is where foundational trust and safety are built or broken. This is part of the “interview” process. With that being said, being the CEO of your heart, the most precious and divine part of you, seeing how he is handling this situation, would you hire him WITHOUT hesitation? Do you feel SAFE with him holding your heart? Do you feel TRUST that he will care for your heart to the same level that you do? Do you feel CONFIDENT that even in his worst moments, he will still be a solid partner WITH you?
Heidi
I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s such an awful feeling to have your life turned upside down. I don’t understand the message as I really have no context. Were you supporting him financially?
It sounds like he feels the need to take this opportunity and that means separating from you. I’m assuming he is in the military. It sounds like he is asking for you to go build your life without him. Wherever he is being deployed to, it doesn’t sound like there is any kind of end to it that he is aware of. The way he is communicating, it seems like he just has A LOT he is dealing with and that he needs to separate from you.
That’s all I can say and I expect you to do your thing known as worrying This is a pretty big clue for you and something I really want to encourage you to take seriously. There may be specific reasons he is not sharing the full picture with you, but this is one of them…he knows you worry. Everyone worries about their loved ones of course, but the way he is saying it, is telling you that he doesn’t trust you with challenging information and that you will handle it well. With what you have mentioned here, it’s pretty clear that you have no idea how to deal with your worry…and that is why I am encouraging you to start to learn. When your partner doesn’t trust that you can handle tough information, that creates a barrier and he will not want to share everything with you. He will want to spare you as much as possible, which means you will always get partial truths from him. I know that is not what you want and the way to change that, is to develop your knowledge and skills with your emotions – because that develops a self trust which then translates to your partner trusting you as well.
Still keep giving him space. Let him share with you whatever he is ready to share and you start focusing on yourself. What I suggest you say to him is something like “It sounds like you have an opportunity that feels good for you and I always want to support that, even if I don’t like it. Yes, I worry, but I am learning how to deal with it differently so it doesn’t consume me. I will always have some level of worry for you, because I care and love you – but I am realizing these past few weeks, I have some personal work to do in learning how to better handle my reactions. So, as you are taking on a new path, so am I. I’m still confused as to where that leaves us in your mind, but that’s okay. I trust that when you feel clear, you will tell me. Until then, I am going to focus on myself and becoming better. Every day I am sending you a lot of love and I trust your process.”
Thoughts?
Heidi
wow! Only 2 1/2 more weeks. That is soooooo close!!! It kind of feels like time flew for some reason. It doesn’t feel that long ago that you were looking at 6 more months to go. Time feels like it’s flying by a lot faster than normal right now. Does it feel like that to you?
Maybe it’s good to look for another job regardless. If Worley has that kind of history, Bob’s efforts will fall on deaf ears. But then again, if you are looking to retire in a year, then just do whatever they ask of you and leave it at that. I think you should develop your photography business on the side. Go to dog parks, go on hikes with dogs and start taking pictures and sell them to the owners!!!! I was at my doctor’s office the other day and there was a coffee table book of horses in the wild. No copy, just pictures. It made me think of you. I imagined you creating a book like that with birds or nature or buildings. Pick a theme and go for it!
Heidi
i know that what you are telling me is right that the way i am feeling is on me and not him. This is the place to start.
i am struggling to comprehend everything and i know it is completely on me to figure out my own insecurities or why i am feeling this way.. the truth is i don’t know how to cope with this nor do i know how to understand why this has gotten me so upset. Of course you are upset. Your reaction is just an expression of the love and connection that has changed. Any person would have a reaction to that. It’s shocking to go from connecting daily to nothing at all, with no understanding of what is happening. What you are struggling with, is the feeling of powerlessness. Powerlessness triggers all kinds of insecurities, fears and it instantly makes someone want to find a way to gain control again in any possible way. I just want to first normalize your reaction. What you are feeling is valid and it’s something incredibly difficult to deal with. AND….this is the time to learn how to deal with your triggers, your baggage – because this will not be the last time life will throw you a serious curveball. Learning how to handle these kinds of things will prepare you for times in your future. So you have a choice…continue to be depressed and let your emotions control you, OR…get to know your emotions and ways to work with them, to help you process the wounds that are being triggered.
The facts are this…there is nothing you can do for your guy, except to support him and what he needs. I know it’s incredibly difficult, but it’s what a good partner does…they support and accept their partner’s choices and needs. For right now, give him the space he needs and work on your confidence. When you come back together, you will be more internally strong and you will have a renewed sense of confidence.
I know your brain wants to understand, but for right now…that is just not going to happen. Your guy will connect with you and explain things when he is ready. Accept this, embrace it and look at this time – as painful and uncomfortable as it is – as a gift. It’s a gift because it’s exposing areas where you have low self-esteem. It’s exposing that you don’t know how to be okay unless he is okay – and that is not a way to live your life. You want to be able to KNOW that no matter what happens in your life, curve balls and all, that you have the skillset, knowledge and support system to get through it and become a better, more powerful woman because of it. Or…like I said before, you can stay in your story and keep suffering. It’s up to you how you spend your energy. Either way is incredibly difficult, but one path will keep you in a victim mindset and the other path will empower you.
What do you want?
Heidi
I’m a little confused. If you have a contract for a year, then why would you look for a job when you get home? Are you worried you won’t like working for Worley and you want a backup? You haven’t liked the people or company you have worked for in many years. Do you feel like you might not be able to handle it another year?
So glad your house was nice and warm for you. The sun is sooooo important, right? Such a powerful planet.
Heidi
