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Thanks for sharing more!
Here are some of my thoughts about all of it:
I was referring especially at the fist stages of dating and even before dating when you take a decision to chose somebody for a relationship. I’m a little confused about this statement. How can you decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone if you don’t know them very well? In the first stages of dating, wanting to be a “priority” is a pretty high and unrealistic expectation. Taking things slow and getting to know someone is one of the best ways to set yourself up for success in the beginning. Maybe help me understand what you are saying a little better…
What I mean by priority is not for him to leave aside all his life and pursue me, no matter what, but to show me that he is thoughtful towards me. Being a priority and being thoughtful are 2 different things. It sounds like you just want to feel like he makes an effort to let you know he is thinking about you and cares about you. For me personally, I would put this in the romantic category. Romance is about showing that you care about someone through actions – whether they be words, gifts, making something…the list is endless. Romance exists when a relationship is alive and nurturing – both people are expressing their feelings towards each other, in various ways.
I’m also thinking that you want a best friend. I know this sounds funny, but there are many people who marry someone who is NOT their best friend. Best friends tell each other most everything. Best friends also tend to tell each other FIRST because they want help, they want to share exciting news – they go through life with each other agreeing that the each other is in the #1 spot. That is what I’m guessing you are saying by wanting to be a priority. Is this what you mean?
-He should have same spiritual beliefs, that would lead to common goals to go for us as a couple What if he didn’t have the same spiritual beliefs but they were close enough? Would this be acceptable and workable for you? For example, what if he practiced Bhuddism and you were spiritual and just attended Unity Church? They are similar enough genres that it would be quite easy to honor and respect each other’s approach. Or…is it ESSENTIAL that he has the same exact beliefs?
He is a leader and a provider; a way of seeing that is if he is confident enough to pursue me from the first stages of the relationship This one is a bit tricky. Being a leader and provider are different things. And neither are actually guarantees just because a man pursues you. A guy who is a narcissist would easily pursue you and would have leadership qualities for sure, but it doesn’t mean he would be a good/healthy/respectful leader. Nor does it mean he will be a provider. What does it mean to YOU for a man to be a leader that you would want to follow? Also, what does it mean for a man to be a provider?
– He loves outdoors and he is planning trips and makes traveling plans for us For this to happen, he needs to have money. Are you requiring a certain level of income for him to be able to pay for him AND for you? What if you made more money than him? Would you pay for trips for the both of you? Is that acceptable? If you want a man who makes a good amount of $, do you have in mind a certain amount? Do you have a standard of living that you require that you are clear about?
He is creative and open-minded, he has his own projects that he enjoys focusing on when he is in his own world These are also 2 very different things. Creative? What does that mean to you? Artistic? He likes to build? What if his projects are about building cars? Is that okay? No so much a creative kind of thing, but a problem solving kind of thing. What does open-minded mean to you? Open-minded to everything? Even religion? Sexual preferences? Nutrition? Where to live?
This is the hard part about creating this kind of list. When it stays in your head, it makes sense, but then writing it all out is a very different experience. I know I’m picking apart your ideas, but it’s for the purpose of helping you establish some very CLEAR standards so that when you date, you are operating from a mindset of clarity vs. getting wrapped up in a situation like you did.
If a non-negotiable quality of yours is to feel like a priority, then how come you kept giving the a guy a chance? He showed you a handful of times by not texting you, not setting up video calls or phone calls and not being very responsive, that he was not a man of his word nor very invested. What made you keep trying? This is also the BEST use of our non-negotiable list…what is happening inside of US that causes us to start to negotiate a non-negotiable quality? I’ve done it many times and each time, it shows me where some old beliefs, low self-esteem, wounds are still festering and not completely resolved. Me, just like everyone, despite all that I know and despite the years of deep healing work that I have done, will negotiate away my requirements in exchange for connection. Each time I look at my choices that are not aligned for my best and highest self, I discover new parts of myself. Just some things to think about.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I know those kind of bad days. Not fun! At least you are back home and you get to be in an area that you love and are comfortable in. It makes all the hard days that much easier!
Just curious…what do you think it means about you if you have NO attention from men?
Heidi
Haha! You crack me up. Actually what you said is waaaaay more appropriate than what you think you should have said and here is why:
First I said I respected and appreciated him for asking and giving me an opportunity to share my thoughts. Then I said I was looking for a high quality man and if that high quality man happened to live some distance away then I was willing to put in the extra effort. I laughed and said my life has never been easy so I’ve learned to do what I had to do to succeed, and that included relationships. I know it’s not ideal, but it’s not impossible. So 3 or 4 sentences, but still more serious than what I needed to be, I think. This isn’t serious at all. You are just stating that you are willing to put in the effort and that it’s always possible IF you felt a guy was high quality. I LOVE that! Speaking generally about your beliefs, you answered his question.
I could have just said something like, Well, I know it’s not ideal, but I think I’m worth the extra effort, and I get the impression you’re the quality of man that would be worth the effort, too. This is waaaaay too personal. You already are saying that your impression is that he is the level of quality that would be worth the effort and you HARDLY know him. You are giving him this REALLY big compliment and he hasn’t even earned it yet. This statement is EXTREMELY personal and would scare off most guys who would go “Wow…I’ve never even met her yet and she is already telling me I’m a high quality guy and worth the effort…too needy for my taste.” or “Wow…she is trying too hard. No thanks.” And then you wanted to say “I think I’m worth the extra effort” and to many people, that can come off as quite egotistical, even if you don’t mean it that way. I always suggest to stay away from “tooting your own horn” through text. It can so easily be misconstrued, so it’s best to show that kind of confidence IN PERSON, where the person can feel you and the WHOLE experience of the delivery of a statement like that.
Thoughts on this??? Do you see the difference? Does it make sense what I am saying?
Heidi
People in general need to talk about it – although women are typically much more willing. I find with men, if I open the door and ask a few questions, they easily fall into the same kind of conversations.
I am not dating someone who does not make me a priority. Let’s talk about this statement. What does that mean? How does that play out in a relationship? My guess is, this is something you have NOT experienced and it caused a lot of hurt, therefore it’s on your list. That’s where this can get a bit tricky, because many times, what we want and what is non-negotiable, is actually coming from old wounds that haven’t been fully cleared. Thoughts on this?
What else would be on your list?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Welcome! I love that you are here wanting to learn more about what it means to be a better partner. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s so incredibly intense when you make a choice to break your integrity and have your partner punish you over and over and over again. It’s awful. I know you feel shame and guilt, so the first thing I want to talk about is forgiving yourself.
Listen Monica…we ALL make mistakes. The beauty in those mistakes is what we learn about ourselves and what we are capable of AND it also teaches us A LOT about the person/people we hurt in the process. Instead of viewing this situation as “I messed up and I need to earn his trust back,” what if you looked at it like “I messed up. I have learned that I am capable of breaking my integrity and that’s important for me to know so I can pay more attention to myself in the future. I am also learning a lot about my partner. This situation, as hard as it is, is being a very powerful teacher for me.” Take a step back and look at ALL the things you are learning about yourself, your guy, your relationship….what is it teaching you? Turn this situation into something that works FOR you and not against you. The place to start with that, is forgiving yourself. You made a mistake, you lied about it and that’s that. It’s done and over. Forgive your humanness. Forgive your choices. Forgive your limitations. Then get back up and move forward. Take the lessons you have learned about yourself and USE THEM! I have also done the same thing you have done and I knew exactly what I was doing at the time…I knew my coping mechanisms, I knew my passive aggressive tendencies, I knew I was pissed and that’s why I was doing it, I knew I was using the other guy….but what I didn’t know about myself at the time, is that I was actually capable of cheating. That shocked me, because I knew soooooo much, I viewed relationships as sacred, I held myself in high regard when it came to my integrity – and here I was, breaking it….knowingly. That was a HUGE eye opener for me. I didn’t think I was ever capable of breaking my integrity when it came to relationships. Now I know that I am ALWAYS capable of that, with just the right mixture of hurt and anger and it’s important for me to take care of my feelings IMMEDIATELY so I don’t cause damage. So what do you understand about yourself and why you made that choice?
Now let’s talk about your guy a little bit. I know it’s not going to be what you want to hear, but I’m hoping that you start to open your eyes a little more about the kind of person you are choosing to invite into your life and what you think love is.
We did fight a lot and he would put me down a lot Is this the kind of love that you envision? A love where there is a lot of fighting and verbal abuse (yes, criticism is verbal abuse) It sounds like you guys have more of a wounded type of love than a healthy kind of love that nourishes BOTH people and feels safe. It sounds like you guys have a VERY strong connection though. There is a love that is there, but there also is a lot of hurt that suffocates that love. Watch this video:https://youtu.be/HRREbjsq3jY
he would give me another chance after a month or two if I’m doing all the right things and I’m making positive changes in my life. So I want to show him that I can be honest and more trustworthy since I broke his trust. I want to invite you to think differently here. First, it’s not YOUR job to get him to forgive you…that is HIS job and something he is going to have to wrestle with. He wants YOU to fight for him, all the while he is constantly punishing you, criticizing you and reminding you of your limitations….while HE is not willing to do his own work. He is expecting YOU to make him feel better when that is HIS responsibility. Our happiness, our balance, the feelings we feel are OURS and not for anyone else to fix or care for. Instead of HIM doing his own work, dealing with his feelings and choosing forgiveness, he is instead expecting YOU to make him feel better and earn back trust that he isn’t willing to give you. How long is he planning on holding this against you? How long is he planning on feeling miserable and playing these games? How long is he going to choose to suffer? These are all of HIS choices and NOT your doing. This is how he is CHOOSING to respond to this situation and that is NOT on you. Yes, you messed up. You cannot change that – but it’s not YOUR responsibility to make him feel better..it’s HIS. Also, it’s not very realistic to think that you are trustworthy when you haven’t done the work to figure out why you broke your integrity in the first place. The energy that caused you make that kind of decision, is not an energy that goes away. It WILL come up again and it’s naive to think you won’t be tempted again or even act on it again. Right now, your focus needs to be repairing trust with yourself FIRST, repairing your integrity and getting to know your choices – the anger you feel, the hurt you feel and the passive aggressive tendencies you have. THAT is how you become trustworthy again, not just because you say so. If he did the same thing to you, would you just believe him when he says he won’t do it again? I hope not. NO ONE changes just they say they want to. You have to see action behind their words. You are so focused on HIM and making HIM happy and earning HIS trust back, that you are losing site of yourself. Have you ever considered that your choice to sabotage the relationship might be telling you how unhappy you actually are with him – regardless of how much you love him? Love is NOT enough and it never will be. Love just brings people together, but how the relationship functions and how people treat each other is what makes or breaks a relationship. People RARELY breakup because of a lack of love – people break up because there is so much hurt and dysfunction, despite the love and connection.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Everyone has been craving sunshine and warm weather. It’s been such an intense winter here! I love that you are getting out and going on walks. It’s good for the soul!
Have you gotten any great pictures at the dog park? Are you getting that business going at all?
Heidi
Happy to help!
I’d love to take you through an exercise if you are willing. It will help be a very powerful guide as you date. I call it the non-negotiable list. It’s really the only list that you need.
Here is the concept. You create a list of the qualities that are non-negotiable….TRULY non-negotiable. Meaning…if these qualities are not present in the relationship, your soul is going to starve. So…literally, you HAVE to know your deal breakers. There are obvious deal breakers like abuse, so those are given and don’t need to be on your list.
Most people tend to create a list about what they want…that’s not this. It’s important for you to really connect into what you NEED in order to feel nourished. Here are a few things on my list:
1. Romantic – I will NOT survive or feel nourished in a relationship if my guy is not romantic. He needs to ENJOY being romantic with me and have it be a natural way he loves to show me how he loves me.
2. Loves dogs – Dogs are a HUGE part of my life. My guy HAS to love dogs, have patience and truly enjoy their presence if we are going to have a good relationship.
3. Active – I need a guy who enjoys being active in his life…hiking, working out, bike rides – I move a lot, in various ways and having a guy who enjoys movement is important for me so we can be active together.One of the first ways to start this list is to think about yourself. What do you HAVE TO have in your life in order to feel balanced, nourished and happy?
Does this make sense for you?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
We are so glad you are here! Because you are wise enough to ask some questions so you can have a deeper understanding about what is happening.
There are some big red flags happening here – the biggest one being this: I don’t understand his behavior saying that he wants to marry me, For a person to say this without having even seen you on video or had a live conversation, is EXTREMELY suspicious. Honestly, I’m guessing you are being catfished. It is VERY common for people to go online, create fake profiles, hook whomever they want and play all kinds of games with them. This person could easily be a woman. I know you received a video from “him” but it could easily be a video pre-recorded of someone else and you would never know. Anyone who professes their love, compliments you saying how amazing you are and they haven’t even met you is absolutely a dangerous person to interact with. The more compliments, the more saying anything about the future together, the more you know either they are playing games and trying to hook you OR they are someone who attaches waaaaay to easily and will use you as your their source of self esteem – either situation is NOT relationship material on any level.
Besides just this 1 statement above, the fact that this person is connective and then not connective is a game in and of itself. If this person is ALREADY not showing consistent behavior and going from one extreme to the other, and you haven’t even talked to them on the phone, RUN the other way! What do you think being in relationship with a person like this is going to be like? A HUGE rollercoaster ride full of drama is what you are stepping into.
Think about dating this way….your heart is sacred, unique and requires very special care. You are the CEO of your heart. You need to find someone who will care for your heart with the utmost care, respect and honor. Dating is you “interviewing” applicant for the job of taking care of your heart alongside you. Any job interview starts with questions and observation. You want to see that a person’s words and actions are aligned and that they are actually qualified for the job. You are more concerned about not trying to scare him away and trying to respect HIM instead of viewing this whole thing as if HE needs to earn your heart. HE needs to prove himself to YOU, not the other way around. As the CEO of your company (your heart), would you hire this applicant to care for your heart?
Heidi
I get that there are still some things to create closure with and it’s a serious pain in the butt! Yuk! AND….you are home AND you got a sizeable raise. That makes everything so much more easy to deal with, right? Your heart gets to recover. You get to find your doctors and get your health back in alignment. You get to make new friends. You get to have your home cared for again. This is all wonderful! And you have the funds now to help with all of those things. I love it!
I was waaaaay too late to reserve campgrounds here. I’m a total glamper. I fully admit it. I’m not a fan of hiking in to camp. So all the sites have been reserved for months already because everyone knows if you don’t reserved in November when they open up reservations, it’s near impossible to get a site for the summer. Oh well. Maybe next year. A grizzly bear tour sounds like so much fun!
Thanks for asking about my mom. Her recovery is slow going right now. She finished her P.T. and is now working with me, so I will make sure to get her where she needs to be!
Heidi
Sounds like you are figuring everything out. You are walking, you are going to dog parks, you are figuring out your body, you are being social…you get to be in your own home and bed…no more struggles with the environment. How is your heart? Are you happy and peaceful????
How is work going so far?
Heidi
Oop! So strange! I wrote a response yesterday, but it’s not here. I wonder what happened!
I didn’t ask for further explanation because he doesn’t owe me one. He said he’s unavailable, and I respected that. Ask anways! One of the main reasons people end up getting involved with someone who isn’t a good match for them, is they don’t ask enough questions! People sometimes has this belief “Well if they want me to know, they’ll tell me” or “I don’t want to pry” or like what you said “He doesn’t owe me an explanation.” None of that is true. In fact, it needs to be quite the opposite and here is why: Your heart is the job, your date is the applicant and you are the CEO of your VERY sacred, unique, precious heart. How else are you going to know if the applicant is right for the job, unless you ask them questions??? I am a master question-asker. I ask a TON of questions, no matter the subject. If they don’t want to answer, then they need to say something. If they are afraid to say “I’m not comfortable answering that quite yet” then they are not the right match for me anyways. For me, I have to have a guy who is strong enough to know his limitations and boundaries and be able to communicate them. Otherwise, I want to know every single little detail about that person, INCLUDING his stress responses and how he handles things.
One of thing I always tell people is that you choose someone according to their worst side, not their best side. It’s their worst side that will make or break your relationship – so the sooner you know that side of them, the better. You want to see HOW they handle stress. How do they talk to you when they are angry? Hurt? Triggered? What actions do they take? Do they disappear or do they stay and talk? How do they treat themselves? Asking Bill about what happened and why he isn’t emotionally available, would have given you some insight into how he handles stress. You want to see HOW he talks about her, how angry or hurt he feels, what is he doing about all of that etc.? If he isn’t doing anything about it and is just letting everything fester, then that is very important to know!!! Would you hire an applicant to care for your sacred heart, who has no skillset of how to handle stress??
I figured being prepared BEFORE I’m in a relationship would be better than trying to fix one that’s already failing. I know not all relationships are able to be troubleshooted ahead of time, but I look at it this way: you can’t go wrong learning how to speak to and treat a man the way he responds to positively. I understand your perspective and why you are wanting to learn. I definitely do not want to discourage you from doing that. I want to invite you to learn in a way that’s even more powerful though. Learn about yourself. A core truth is, when you learn to love and accept ALL of who you are, learn how to forgive the worst in you, learn how to honor and care for your heart with the utmost respect – then you will also treat others the same way and that is enough to have a healthy relationship. It’s not REALLY about learning how to treat a man specifically. It’s about BEING respect. It’s about BEING curiosity. It’s about BEING present. It’s about BEING emotional safety – but you have to be all of those for yourself FIRST if you are going to BE all those things in a relationship. It really is the only way to TRULY troubleshoot a relationship so to speak. All the other small, intricate details about a guy, you will learn along the way. A guy that is truly a good match for you, in a HEALTHY way, will respond more to who you are vs. the specific techniques you have learned along the way. Yes, those help, but it’s not the CORE of a successful relationship – it’s more like the cherry on top – not essential, but an added bonus.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Step into the “boring.” Don’t try and change that! Part of why it feels boring is because you are coming off of a pretty stressful situation. You were so unhappy and that gave you A LOT of “entertainment” so to speak. Coming home, your nervous system gets to calm down, but you are calling it “boring” instead of peace. Step into it…breathe….be grateful for it…and every time you call it boring, switch the word to “peaceful” or “nourishing.” Maybe consider going out and taking pictures at dog parks instead of trying to meet a guy. Maybe start editing some of the pictures you already have and start to sell them. Focus purely on yourself right now and give yourself time to adjust being back home again.
Heidi
Hi Jennifer! Welcome!
I love that you are here learning new things! I’m curious, what inspired you to purchase the program? Most women purchase the program because they are under some kind of stress in their dating or relationship situation and are wanting to fix it somehow. That isn’t you. It sounds like everything is going well, so what made you want to learn this material?
How long have you guys been friends? How long has the attraction been going on?
I’m happy to hear you are really honoring him and the place he is at emotionally. The majority of women do everything they can to change the guy’s mind and it ends up in disaster. Good job for being patient and willing to just let him be who he needs to be right now. How long was he in that relationship? How long ago did they break up?
I don’t want to sound like I’m just throwing flattery around in a haphazard manner. EXACTLY! Just like what you said, you want it to be organic. The way I like to imagine this concept is that there is a relationship “bank account” and it’s super important to make small deposits often. Over time, there is a lot of savings that gets built up, so when there is an argument, when there is something incredibly challenging in the relationship, you have a good amount of “money” to support you guys through the tough times. To be honest though, I wouldn’t worry about it at this point. You guys are not in a relationship and who knows if you ever will be. He needs to be willing to take that risk again and that may take a very long time like it does for most people. Out of curiosity, how long are you willing to wait? I do want to encourage you to keep yourself open to other opportunities as well. This is sooooo important so you don’t put your love life on hold for a guy who is not available. I know he is wonderful for you, but there are many wonderful guys out there! Go out and experience them and get to know yourself. Dating is a wonderful way to get to know yourself, practice techniques that you learn, developing your communication skills, learning about your inner judgements and criticism and so much more! It doesn’t always have to be about finding someone to pair with. In fact, I rarely ever used dating for that. I used dating as a way to get to know the ins and outs of myself…what worked, what didn’t and through it all, I developed my self confidence, I became a VERY skilled communicator and I became quite masterful at reading what was going on behind what someone was saying and presenting. Is that something you would be willing to do?
The tips I mainly have is to make sure you are organic about it. DO NOT force it and DO NOT think it’s something you have to do often. Imagine that you are talking to their BEST self…just like the example you gave. For example, when he is stressed, upset or depressed let’s say, talking to his best self means you are speaking to that part of him that knows how to navigate the stress. So you say something like, “I know how hard this is. I believe in you. You are resilient, resourceful and I have no doubt that you will get past this moment.” Basically, you are highlighting the best part of them when they are feeling the worst part of themselves. Another way to do it, is if he makes you laugh a lot for example, you would throw something in there like “I love how much I get to laugh with you.” So again, speaking to their best self and shining a light on that. It sounds like you might already have a natural ability for this though. Men need to feel valued and appreciated – it’s really important for them, so that’s where the “small deposits often” is a concept you make sure to implement into your relationship, whenever you do have one.
Was this helpful? Does it make more sense?
I’m also so sad to hear that you lost your husband. That must have been extremely tough for you. How are you doing about that? I know that it’s can be a scary thing to love again. How does it feel for you to be attracted to another man?
Heidi
Hi Monica, Good to hear from you!
I want to suggest you slow down a bit. I understand that it’s scary not knowing where you stand. It’s not as black and white as you are making it. There are a lot of nuances here.
I have decided that I am just going to tell him I want more and if he is t feeling it then we can break up. I want to suggest staying away from an ultimatum in the way that you are presenting it. How about just talking to him about what you need. What EXACTLY do you want from him? What does that look like in your relationship with him?
Again, understand that getting involved with a guy that isn’t even divorced yet, is a HUGE HUGE risk. He may say that he is invested and wants to move forward, but truth is, between the PTSD and his marriage ending – he has A LOT on his plate and isn’t going to be emotionally available to the level that you want, as he shouldn’t be. He has a lot of baggage he is carrying around and you want to add more to the pile for him by requiring more from him? It seems like what you want and expect from him is not something ANY person would be able to offer you, under these kinds of circumstances. So…maybe instead of an ultimatum, you can just talk with him about where he is at and really HONOR the situation he is in. I think this is more about YOU deciding what is best for you by gathering more information and talking with him, instead of giving him an ultimatum and putting the choice on him, because you don’t want to have to make that choice. What if YOU made the decision to stay or go by honoring him and where he is at and by honoring yourself and where you are at. You can choose to accept his place in life right now and what he is able to offer, or decide it’s just not enough for you. So the ultimatum is on YOU and not him. I say this because most guys will immediately run and get defensive when they are presented with ultimatums. Sometimes they are necessary, but you guys have only been dating 3.5 months – so presenting this kind of ultimatum and making HIM choose will probably backfire on you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Holy smokes! What a birth story!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you and your mom are close. Moms are quite special, aren’t they?
It’s a very interesting pattern you have noticed about your birthday. You might want to look up this book. It’s fascinating! It talks about fractal time and how similar events can have patterned occurrences and how you can break that pattern if you want. There is even a mathematical formula you can use to calculate the first event that was imprinted on time. This blew me away! https://www.amazon.com/Fractal-Time-Gregg-Braden-ebook/dp/B00DJ736ZC
This year will be a huge one for me as I have started to give myself much needed introspection, love, attention, education, etc. So one day this year can be one of those stories I can look back on with pride, gratitude and appreciation. I love this! What’s your plan? How are you going to make sure this happens???
It’s so strange to be able to connect with someone on a completely different continent! It’s really fun and such an honor to get to connect with you!
Heidi
