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Yay! You are getting your life back!!!! You got to see some wildlife, you got to take a bath, you got to sleep in your own bed, you get to take your own supplements again, you get to make new friends….whew!!!! That was a tough season!!!
Sooooo so glad you are finally home and getting situated. Your spirit gets to settle and rest and finally grow some roots. I”m so happy for you. You have been through a lot, but you made it!
Heidi
You have my deepest gratitude Thank you for saying this! I can’t tell you how many people I share information with, that just ignore it because I’m always bringing them back to themselves and not directly helping them “fix” their problem. Most people just want a quick fix “pill” to help them get what they want so they can be out of pain…not that I blame them! I would want that too, if it were possible. So your appreciation is refreshing. You are actually interested in improving yourself and trying out new ways of being with your guy that can make you a better partner. I love it! He is incredibly lucky to have you!
How are things going between you guys? How is he doing? Is he still depressed? Is he communicating with that girl frequently? I’m wondering what your thoughts are about having your friend over if you want. Have you thought about talking to him about letting that boundary go? Or maybe finding ways for him to feel comfortable still having her over if you want?
Heidi
Is this a bad thing for me to practice? Great question! This is a GOOD thing to practice. Being controlled and “adult” vs. childlike (emotionally dysfunctional adults who were destructive) is always the better option. When you deal with the TRUE reaction and level of emotions/feelings you have, you do it in private or with your friend or with a therapist/healer/coach. You never want to emotionally vomit onto another person. The tricky thing is, being controlled is not always honest or authentic either. So your boyfriend experiences you controlled and very adult about the whole thing, but he also doesn’t know how you REALLY feel. He only knows PART of the whole picture.
There is a way to be honest and authentic and share ALL of your feelings, without being destructive. When someone is destructive, they are blaming the other person, they are pointing the finger at them, and they are criticizing or judging, right? The words and energy they are using are harmful and deeply negative. So you can say something like this instead: “I will admit that hearing that you have reconnected with her is definitely re-activating my insecurities. It’s uncomfortable for me, and to be honest, I’m not sure it will ever be okay for me. I’m scared that you will like her more than me. I’m scared of the potential that exists between you and her. I’m scared of how much she relies on you and you allowing that and even encouraging it. I am going to work with my fears and I own them, but it’s important for you to know that it’s not easy for me. You get to be whoever you need to be, but it will be helpful if you keep talking with me about it, don’t try and hide it, maybe show me a little extra love right now, because your choice is hard for me…” Basically, when you share the TRUTH and intensity of your struggle in a way where you are owning it yourself and not pointing the finger at him, that is healthy, honest, authentic and he will see ALL of you, instead of just the part of you that is a people pleaser. With BOTH people sharing their full experiences in this manner, all the cards are on the table to work with and you can create a resolution together that can actually be effective because you both know the full picture. And as feelings change and shift, share those too. A good partner WANTS to know it all. They WANT to hear how you are feeling and working through your challenges. If your guy is so avoidant that he doesn’t want to know who you are, then that is a deeper issue that you don’t have control over – that’s on him and that’s on you for picking a partner who doesn’t want to know the truth of your struggles and experiences. Sometimes it’s workable if both people are willing to grow, so hopefully, he will choose that.
I also wanted to share another analogy that goes with the knowledge vs. wisdom diagram. It’s called The 5 Chapter Book: It’s a depiction of where we are at on the bridge of healing.
Chapter 1: you are walking down the street and fall in the hole.
Chapter 2: you are walking down the street, see the hole and fall in anyway.
Chapter 3: you are walking down the street, see the hole and walk around it.
Chapter 4: you are walking down the street and then decide to cross the street.
Chapter 5: you don’t walk down the street at all.In the hole, lives our limitations, fears, stories, programs, beliefs, low self-esteem etc. How we experience walking down the street is reflective of our relationship to what is in the hole. Chapter 1 is about ignorance – not knowing we have an insecurity until it shows up. Chapter 2 is being aware of it but still stepping into that pattern and hopefully gaining some perspective, understand and this is where we develop our knowledge. Chapter 5 is when you have arrived at wisdom. For example, I had the pattern of dating guys that were emotionally unavailable. I stayed in chapter 2 for many years. Chapter 2 is tough for everyone, because we tend to beat ourselves up for making the same choices over and over and over again. So I dated the “bad boys” for a handful of years. I knew EXACTLY what I was doing and I kept falling into that hole. BUT…I kept working on my low self-esteem until eventually, in my 20s, I cracked the pattern and got to chapter 5 – and have stayed there since. Occasionally a bad boy will cross my path and I’m tempted – not because of my patterns and low self-esteem, but more for the entertainment of the chase and the games I used to have to play and then conquering my “opponent.” LOL. Nonetheless, I just don’t walk down the street, because I worked with my relationship to that pattern and everything that “bridge of healing” showed me. So it’s a good way to identify where you are at with specific issues. Certain issues I’m still at chapter 2 and other issues I’m getting to chapter 5, but it’s a nice way to understand your progress.
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Good question! Give it some time. Explore and understand him more.
First, the MOST IMPORTANT thing is that he isn’t even divorced yet. That is a REALLY REALLY tough thing to go through. It’s life changing. It’s breaking an emotional and spiritual contract – and that has BIG impacts on a person…especially when it’s a “forever” contract that you made. He is not 100% emotionally available yet. To be honest, it’s probably going to take quite a while. I imagine he isn’t really doing anything to help himself through this tough time, like seeing a therapist or a men’s group or something. Most guys don’t take that route, which means…they don’t really end up dealing directly with their hurt, anger, resentment. Those feelings just get buried, only to be turned into a wall around their heart and accessed down the road when they get triggered again. So…it’s super risky business getting involved with a guy who isn’t even completely divorced yet and probably isn’t really processing everything. People think that just because they don’t “feel” all the feelings that come with divorce, that they are okay – when in reality, if they don’t feel those things, it just means it’s buried.
So it’s kind of good he lives and hour away. It keeps things moving slow between you guys. I know how tough it is being that you have been single for 4 years…so you are READY to jump in. He isn’t. I’m guessing this slow pace is EXACTLY his speed right now. Unfortunately, the slowest mover in any dating situation, is always the one that wins out. They are the ones that set the tone and you either honor and respect that, or honor what you need and find someone who is more of a match for you and emotionally available.
If you want to continue with him, it means letting him be who he is and not needing him to change a thing. I know this is hard for you and you are used to a lot more attention. What you are used to experiencing is more in the normal range, but again, this guy is not even divorced yet, so it’s not unusual for him to NEED to just be chill and not REALLY get involved on a deep level. He is great in person, he gets to have sex and then he gets to check in once a day with you, but not truly emotionally invest. He isn’t ready for that – and I know you are. This is one of those things where “timing” is off. He really shouldn’t be dating at all, because of this very thing. He is getting involved with a woman who WANTS a relationship and he doesn’t. He may have become exclusive with you, but it’s not really a relationship that is growing at a normal pace. It really is perfect for him in the sense that he doesn’t have to see you every day and start to merge lives. He gets to keep his distance and then once a week or once every other week, he gets to connect with you in person. It’s important for you to understand that this is what he NEEDS and WANTS.
I know you want him to move faster, but that means you are wanting more from him than he is willing to offer. Personally, I want a guy who naturally wants and needs to connect with me frequently and sets up his life and his time to be able to connect with me. NATURALLY. I personally don’t want to have to ask a guy to give me more attention. That doesn’t feel good for me and I imagine that doesn’t feel good for you too. So this is really about you understanding he isn’t available the way you want him to be available. I know he is in person, but that’s just once a week and sometimes less. Most guys can handle that. If you guys lived in the same area, I guarantee you, he wouldn’t be any more available than he is now – HE ISN’T READY. He is still wounded. You wanting more attention is like asking him to get up and go for a run with you, when he has a gaping cut on the bottom of his foot. He can’t. It’s also not so smart of him to put on running shoes and saying “I’ll go for a walk.” Meanwhile, you are a runner, so walking is not your speed. You need to slow down if you want to connected to this guy. I know it’s hard, but it’s what you are choosing. I know you won’t like this but…you can always respect and honor where he at in his life and honor your needs that you need more. You can always choose a different experience – which in the end…I think you will be more peaceful with that choice. The guy is not going to be available for a long time. So…it’s going to be you who is going to need to dance around and adjust to what he is able to offer. You are already wanting more from him, so can you imagine feeling that way for 6 more months? How long are you going to wait to be on the same page? You can’t be where he is at emotionally…it’s impossible. You are ready to build a life with someone. He can’t be where you are at…it’s impossible. He is not even divorced yet. So…the only way to make this work is for YOU to go his speed and put your needs aside. Can you do that?
Heidi
The moment is here. You are FINALLY home!!!! You have been waiting for this for sooooo long. I’m so excited for you!!! What’s the first thing you did?? I have no doubt your home is happy to have you back. You get to build your life back up again. Your spirit must feel so open, much more free and just smiling because there are so many things you get to do now – and you get to have your mountains back!!! YAYAYAYAY! I can’t wait to hear an update!
Heidi
I think you have an interesting point about bypassing. I didn’t know this concept had a name but I am aware that I’ve always done that especially when I was younger. It’s a VERY powerful coping mechanism and one that can be so darn subtle that one has no idea they are doing it. It’s more known as “spiritual bypassing” but I take off the “spirit” part because bypassing happens in every part of our lives and it’s our brain that is in control of it. I notice most in myself when I was younger and realized I was reading book after book after book after book…all about self help, healing etc. While I was becoming incredibly educated, I also was not doing any of the deeper work. I realized I was reading the books, hoping that if I just learned one more thing or made sense of one more thing, the understanding of my situation would make my pain go away. BIG light bulb moment for me…LOL. A LOT of people do this. It’s a common approach to pain. While it is important to understand, it’s only PART of the healing.
Here is a simple way to explain the path of healing. First there is knowledge (I write that on the left side of the paper) and then there is wisdom (I write that on the right side of the paper). Knowledge is the information we feed our minds to UNDERSTAND our situation. We need the understanding…it’s important, but it’s just the beginning. Wisdom however, is knowledge put into ACTION. Wisdom is when we take everything that we understand and LIVE it. The information becomes who we are and part of our psyche vs. just information we have in our head.
For example..I remember being in my mid 20s and I got stood up on a date. It was a first date that a guy asked me out on. We barely knew each other as back then, dates happened organically and we had just met at the park, saw each other and briefly talked and exchanged numbers…those were the days LOL. Anyways, he did show up. I remember being so hurt, I grabbed a pint of ice cream, met my neighbor and we spent a few hours bitching about men. I was aware enough to see what was happening. I was letting this guy I barely knew, completely rattle my self-esteem and value. I watched myself run through our conversation and text exchanges over and over trying to find out “what did I do wrong?” At the same time, I had another part of me saying “You don’t know this guy, your loveable and valuable whether or not this guy showed up and he does NOT deserve for you to give him that power over you. NOBODY DOES!” The latter statement is the truth that I knew in my HEAD, but I wasn’t able to get it into my living, into my body, into my heart. I had to do some emotional work and face my low self-esteem. So…now if I were to get stood up on a random date, of course my ego would get bruised and I would have a reaction, BUT the truth is MUCH stronger in me now and I wouldn’t feel the need to go eat a pint of ice cream with a girlfriend. From all the personal work I have done, I have taken that knowledge and turned it into wisdom where now, I LIVE from a place of feeling valuable vs. just knowing that in my head. So this is the path of healing…I draw and arc from knowledge to wisdom and over that arc, I write “bridge of healing.” Healing is a creative process and there is no one best way to do it. I have my methods and approaches and other people have theirs. The way you know that your approach is working is when you are able to take the truth that you have learned and know and put it into action. When you see yourself starting to LIVE that knowledge, healing is happening. You are turning your knowledge into wisdom. Does this make sense?
So I responded in honesty and expressed my trepidation while also accepting and praising his honesty and transparency. I told him that I am glad to see him dealing with his issues and not being avoidant. But I reminded him that my problem is not his communication with female friends but rather him using these relationships as a distraction. This is very “adult” of you and a good response, however, it’s a very controlled way of expressing how you feel. What about how you are feeling inside? He has reconnected with a woman who he had an inappropriate connection with. You said you have “trepidation.” Considering your abandonment fears, I imagine you have more than that, but probably buried a bit deeper. Do you have a sense of that at all?
Heidi
Well, it sounds like you both are heading in a direction where growth can occur. Therapy will be good! A good therapist will help you guys slowly heal and come back together or help you guys realize it just isn’t going to work, for whatever reasons get exposed. Either way, movement and clarity will be helpful. Expect to take a good year minimum, to work through this, learn new skills, process all the hurt that’s going to come up (for BOTH of you) and to find a new place of relating to each other, whether together or apart.
Goodness into your journey! We are always here if you want to send any updates or just to get a different perspective!
Heidi
Hi Emma,
I understand you are confused. He is saying all of the right things finally, but you also have your walls up…rightly so.
He told me that it is over and is committed to spend more attention to our family and us. He also told me that his one true love is me. I should stay calm and just believe everything he has to say. He has broken his integrity on every level. Yes, he finally admitted to the truth, but there is NO reason for you to trust anything he says at this point. He has been lying to you for quite awhile, so for him to ask you to just “stay calm and believe everything he has to say” is just not realistic, nor appropriate. Not a single person on the face of this earth would be able to do that with anyone, after being lied to and cheated on for so long.
I understand you want to write her a letter. Write as many letters as you need to, just DO NOT send them! Write them and then burn them or tear them up. She is NOT the problem here, he is. You have NO IDEA what he has ever said to her. She may not even know that he was married. You have NO IDEA what REALLY went on between them, what he told her and if they are even broken up. Everything you THINK you understand about the situation is coming from your husband, who has been lying to you for many months now. So writing her a letter, ASSUMING that you know what happened, is NOT a good thing to do. Again, write as many letters as you need, to get your feelings out, and then every time you burn it, tear it up, throw it away….you forgive her and release the feelings you have. It may take 100 letters before you feel 100% clear about it, but it’s better than holding it all in.
I’m so glad you are looking for a new therapist. Is he willing to go with you as well?
Heidi
The quick attachment is a projection of my desire for a partner and home. This is a good place to start in understand the reasons as to why you tend to attach quickly. It’s not the core reason though. Your desire for a partner and home is natural, but it’s NOT actually the core reason for you attaching so quickly. Many people desire a partner and a home, but how they go about creating that, is unique to each person. It’s unique because their childhood, their mindset about love, their programs about romance etc. influence how they enter into creating that for themselves. Your tendency is to attach quickly, so where does that come from. Attaching quickly can have fear as the subconscious driving force. Meaning, “I want to attach quickly to this guy so he doesn’t leave.” I’m not saying this is you…I’m just giving an example. Attaching quickly, at it’s core, is driven by impulsive thinking and feeling. It’s impulsive to move in after 1 month of knowing each other, right? Impulsiveness is about meeting your needs INSTANTLY, without really thinking it through or giving any thought to the consequences. Impulsivity is child energy. Meaning, children are impulsive. They want what they want, right now and they go after it…NOT thinking about anything else other than what they want. Parents have to step in and guide that impulsivity into a healthy way to keep the child safe and protected. So when adults are impulsive about things with high consequences and when there is a pattern, like what you have about attaching quickly, it’s letting you know there is “childlike” thinking that is driving your decisions and that pattern, NOT the adult part of you. That’s why I’m encouraging you to go deeper into this attachment style you have. Start to look into the nuances of it. What is keeping this pattern alive in you? What would happen if you didn’t attach so quickly and you just took things super slow? This question can help identify any fears that are in the mix of all of this. Get a journal and allow yourself to write all of this out and see where it takes you. Dive into that rabbit hole and find out what’s there!
I know you guys have slowed down quite a bit, which is great! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your new mindset of accepting each moment as it comes. BRAVO!
Heidi
Well…it sounds like you are pretty grounded.
Keep an eye on yourself though. You said you have a tendency to have co-dependent patterns (meeting the needs of other at the expense of yourself). This kind of pattern can easily fool you into thinking you are okay about everything, when in actually, your feelings just got buried – hence you don’t really feel them. I’m only saying this because you arrived at the truth pretty quickly and that’s quite unusual for someone who does not have the skillset or understanding about how to process their triggers. You absolutely have a higher level of emotional intelligence. I did too growing up. It was my downfall sometimes though. I could use my intelligence to say the truth to myself WITHOUT having to really deal with my feelings. I never realized what I was doing until a therapist called me on it. It’s called “bypassing.” It’s getting the truth into your mind while “bypassing” the emotions.
So let me ask you this. You said: I realized that his feelings are understandable and valid. It has nothing to do with me. In fact, his friendship with this girl was never about and more about him and his needs. This is 100% true. But…did you also work with your anger, your hurt, your feelings of betrayal, feelings of failure etc.? Did you feel those and clear them, forgive him and work with any of those feelings you would have had about him emotionally cheating? Working with any or all of these feelings and clearing them, would help you arrive to the same exact truth. This “friendship” of his was not about you, but him. But if you arrived at this truth WITHOUT working with your feelings, that is bypassing. This means that all your feelings are still very alive and will just create a barrier around your heart. Those feelings will be easily triggered again down the road. Those feelings have consequences to them, so while “bypassing” feels pretty great and that it worked, it’s misleading. Does this make sense?
Thoughts?
Heidi
Yes, she is brilliant at helping people navigate relationships, as long as the people are doing their work. Otherwise, she can be pretty tough. If your boyfriend is avoidant to the level you are explaining, he would not resonate well with her. A person has to have the desire to grow and an attraction to the truth and they need to have enough self-esteem to handle confrontation.
Your guy is using his 10-year-old trauma as the reason to stay dysfunctional and hide from confrontation. I don’t know a single person alive who doesn’t have some kind of trauma from their childhood that crippled them in some form or fashion. He is choosing to stay crippled by it instead of working to be free of it and processing the grief. Now, because he is not willing to deal with it, you are having to be VERY careful about anything you say, make sure it’s the right timing, the right environment and you have to tiptoe around how you present your feelings. If he is THAT fragile, he will not resonate with my Coach. You will though. You are a seeker and interested in working with the truth, not your fears. There is no reason you can’t do your own work and face your own limitations right now and then down the road, find someone to work with as a couple once he is more recovered from the loss of this girl.
I’m not surprised he is depressed either. He is going through a “breakup” so to speak and her blocking him, is triggering major rejection and loss. This must be hard for you. Good job on staying calm! It’s probably best to just let him be depressed right now. You can’t fix it for him and he needs to figure out how to get back up and move forward. You have A LOT on your plate and are quite busy, so in a way, this is good for him to have to figure this out on his own.
What are YOU feeling about him being depressed about this girl? What kinds of thoughts are you having about it?
Heidi
P.s. I’ll send you an email with the info. for my coach.
Only a few more days! You have been in this position so many times….where you FINALLY get to leave and start something new. Thank goodness it’s home this time, right? You can begin to build your life again. You get to be in your own home, your own car, your own bed, your own friends….and in an environment that you LOVE! Your soul will be happy.
I’m hoping that this next phase is enjoyable and nourishing for you! You’re almost there!
Heidi
Hi Azamit!
I’ll email you my coach’s info. Trauma and all the issues associated with it, are her specialty, so if you don’t end up resonating with the therapist you reached out to, you have another option to explore.
I’m glad to hear that he is at least open to couple’s work. There are a lot of things to work on, but don’t get discouraged. Once you go down that road, it does tend to get worse before it gets better. It’s extremely tough to undo ways of thinking and reacting after years and years of being a certain way…of which it sounds like you are starting to understand from your reading.
I’m glad to hear that he responded okay to your letter. I’m really curious how he will end up processing this. So now that you gave him the letter, now what? Are you going to continue talking about it?
Heidi
I am 100 willing to go through therapy and come out a better woman and partner, no matter the rigor or brutal honesty of it all. AMAZING! I love that you are this! You are a “seeker” which means you are someone who seeks the truth, looks for the truth and wants to be in relationship with the truth. Have you ever done any kind of therapy or coaching before? Have you ever read any self-help books before? Would you like the info. for my coach?
Wow! 3 pages! That’s a lot! I want to suggest saying it instead of giving him the letter. I love that you wrote it out and got it all out on paper. Now…say it out loud to him. You can have your letter with you and if you still feel you want to give it to him, you can, but there is something VERY important that happens for you, specifically, when you use your VOICE to say what you need to say. Plus, 3 pages is VERY long. Speaking generally, that can feel overwhelming for a guy. Being that he sounds like the kind of guy who is controlling and has strong self-serving tendencies, he may not respond well to a 3-page letter. I’m not sure if you already gave it to him, but I suggest picking 3-5 sentences out of your letter and just saying that for the conversation starter. Short and simple. Something like “I want to apologize. I really got triggered by you and this other girl and I overreacted by trying to control the situation. I’m understanding more deeply now what was happening in my head and I do plan on working on myself. I’m still not comfortable with it and not sure I ever will be, but I also have NO INTEREST in having a relationship with you where we are trying to control each other. So how about we agree to resolve this in a different way? You be you and I’ll be me, no more rules about who we are allowed to talk with and be around.” And then just see what he says. Thoughts?
I’m so glad you joined us here! Thank you for your gratitude and appreciation. It makes me smile! I’m always happy to help!!!
Looking forward to hearing more!
Heidi
I love your willingness to learn and grow! I am happy to recommend my coach who is pretty brilliant. She isn’t for everyone as she is very deep diver and gets at the core of everything pretty quickly. That kind of coaching is NOT gentle, but it’s full of truth. You have to have the kind of self esteem and drive to WANT to know the truth, no matter how hard it might feel or what changes might need to happen. If that interests you, let me know and I’ll get your email and send you her contact info. privately. She works with people all over the U.S. over zoom or facetime or the phone, so you don’t need to be in person.
Maybe have a conversation with him? You can start by saying “I want to apologize. You being friends with that woman was really triggering me. It activated my abandonment issues because how you were responding to her made me feel like you could actually be with her. I responded by trying to control the situation instead of facing my own feelings and triggers. It may have “fixed” the issue with her gone, but then it activated your resentment towards me. And although we are being “peaceful” together, it doesn’t feel like anything has really been resolved and there is an underlying tension that we are pretending is not there. How about we talk about this and figure out a different way to resolve all of this?”
I’m not sure how this talk will go as you said he is quite controlling. He sounds narcissistic as he always needs to be right. If that’s true, this kind of conversation will not go very well. You may admit that how you approached the situation was not the best, but he will just agree and expect YOU to shift and he won’t take responsibility for his side of things. That will just make you feel rejected and not heard or known all over again. If this is the case, maybe going through that again will help you see more deeply, the kind of guy you are choosing to connect with.
How do you feel about opening everything back up again and talking to him about it?
Heidi
