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In today’s times, a variety of different therapies have been established that are much more impactful than talk therapy. AND…it’s always CRUCIAL that the therapist/client relationship is solid. So don’t give up. A therapy like EMDR has been deemed one of the top, most effective therapies for healing PTSD. I’ve ton it a TON (and of course, like anything, the practitioner matters A LOT) and the therapist I worked with was brilliant in her use of it. Sooooo much of my PTSD has cleared completely! I want to encourage you to not give up. Just because it didn’t work once, doesn’t mean there aren’t other options out there!
I love hearing that changing how you talk to him has been impactful! You said he has been opening up to you again, so I’m wondering what is happening that is making him ask for a divorce?
I’m not sure how to guide you into what to say, as there is very little information I’m going off of here. Would you be more specific with the areas you are struggling with? What EXACTLY is happening that is causing so much distress between you guys?
Heidi
Hi Pam,
Welcome! I can feel how much you really want him back. It’s so hard to feel so connected to someone and not have them reciprocate. Unrequited love is one of the worst feelings to face.
Why did you guys break up in the first place?
I know this is not what you want to hear, but it’s a pretty normal thing for people in your age group to date around – and it’s actually really important for development. So much of college is about experimenting and figuring out what you like and don’t like, what works and what doesn’t work…in every area of your life – including dating.
I’m curious what your vision is?
And do you really want to “make” anyone agree with your vision? Don’t you want a guy who naturally fits into your vision that doesn’t need to be convinced?
It also sounds like he is not really interested in talking about you and him as a couple. It sounds like he just wants to hang out, keep you on the hook because you give him attention, but not really do anything beyond that. Whatever feelings he does have, it sounds like he is split. He probably has feelings for you, but also is still interested in dating other girls as well. This is pretty normal for a college level mindset.
I want to think about letting him go. This mindset that you have to “make him see your vision” is about you trying to make him fit into YOUR idea, because it’s what you want. This is NOT the kind of mindset that makes a relationship successful. The kind of mindset you want to work on is ACCEPTANCE. When you are able to see who he is, how he wants to live and be in his life, and you ACCEPT that instead of trying to change him, this is you honoring and respecting who they are WITHOUT trying to force YOUR agenda onto him. By accepting, this also will help him feel respected by you, which will help him feel safe to be around you. Guys will typically set up SUPER STRONG walls when they feel a woman is trying to push them into something they are not ready for.
Thoughts on this?
Heidi
You show passion and uniqueness by being more descriptive vs. listing what you like to do. For example, you say every time that you like kayaking, hiking and photography. A lot of people like those things, but what makes you unique is WHY you like those things. What about those things make you feel alive? What about those activities are so important for you? Be more descriptive about each activity. Although some spaces are very short, there are a couple of other areas where you can dive into what makes you tick.
When it comes to the question, what are you looking for in a relationship, is it really eyes and smile? Those are things that are physical traits and have nothing to do with the quality of a relationship. I’m surprised you made this answer so short and general, considering there was more space to write something. Best friend, companion and someone to share things with. Again…this is something I would say everyone is looking for, so how can you be more specific to YOU in what you want? Say something different. Remember, everyone dating online is reading profiles after profile after profile. When I used to experiment with profiles that I was writing for people, the ones that ALWAYS caught more attention, were the ones that said something different. For example, “I would choose to have a food fight over going out to a fine dining restaurant” – that immediately portrays that you are playful and love to have fun, right? And it’s not something that is said in every other profile. Describing yourself in a way that is more descriptive and unique can spice things up a bit.
J-Date, although Jewish, is still open to all kinds of people. You don’t have to be Jewish. It’s like eHarmony that marketed to Christians but anyone can join. Hinge is only an app. Bumble is the one where only the woman can reach out. If a guy matches with you, you then are able to initiate contact. Guys are not able to reach out to you until you initiate a conversation with them.
Heidi
Have you ever tried Eharmony? I think I remember asking you about that before, but can’t remember what you said. Or have you tried Jdate? Bumble? Hinge?
Maybe it’s time to try a new site that you haven’t been on yet.
Your profile feels kind of…not sure what the word is, but it’s lacking life force. I’m not really sensing or feeling your passion, your life force, your uniqueness. It honestly feels like a profile of someone who has been doing this for so long that’s it has become mundane and not exciting anymore. Maybe that’s how you feel?
Maybe consider not dating for a while. Just keep going to events, but what if you just stopped looking for a while? Fill up your life with other things while you get re-oriented to this new life you are creating. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Have you ever tried Eharmony? I think I remember asking you about that before, but can’t remember what you said. Or have you tried Jdate? Bumble? Hinge?
Maybe it’s time to try a new site that you haven’t been on yet.
Your profile feels kind of…not sure what the word is, but it’s lacking life force. I’m not really sensing or feeling your passion, your life force, your uniqueness. It honestly feels like a profile of someone who has been doing this for so long that’s it has become mundane and not exciting anymore. Maybe that’s how you feel?
Maybe consider not dating for a while. Just keep going to events, but what if you just stopped looking for a while? Fill up your life with other things while you get re-oriented to this new life you are creating. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through. That’s incredibly intense. Has he ever tried therapy like EMDR? Or Hypnotism? Doing ketamine protocols can absolutely help, but it doesn’t help him develop any kind of skillset to handle stressors in life. I’m wondering why he decided to stop treatment? What was your marriage like in the beginning? When did all of these issues show up?
Let me ask you this….let’s say you were able to say some “magic words” that inspire him to stay in the marriage. Then what? All the issues in the relationship are not going to change and you will still have a challenging marriage. How long are YOU going to stay in a marriage that is more challenging than it is nourishing?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through. That’s incredibly intense. Has he ever tried therapy like EMDR? Or Hypnotism? Doing ketamine protocols can absolutely help, but it doesn’t help him develop any kind of skillset to handle stressors in life. I’m wondering why he decided to stop treatment? What was your marriage like in the beginning? When did all of these issues show up?
Let me ask you this….let’s say you were able to say some “magic words” that inspire him to stay in the marriage. Then what? All the issues in the relationship are not going to change and you will still have a challenging marriage. How long are YOU going to stay in a marriage that is more challenging than it is nourishing?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Would love to hear how things are going for you. Any new updates? Did you decide to have that conversation with him?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Would love to hear an update for you. Any thoughts on what I said? Any new developments?
Heidi
I LOVE doing fires in a park or while camping. There is something so beautiful and peaceful about having a fire while outside. Do you get good stars where you are at? Here, we don’t see many, because there are so many lights. Although, a few hours away is one of the very few officially designated spots for star gazing. I forget what they call it, but it’s a place where there are no lights allowed, so you get to a gazillion stars. It’s on my list of things to do this summer – also going to see the big foot museum. LOL. Apparently, it’s pretty cool! We shall see 🙂
Whenever you are ready, Spyce or I will help you switch some things up in your profile.
What exactly are you going to do for your remodel?
Have a fun weekend! Hope you find some owls.
Heidi
Hi Glenise,
It sounds like you are hurting quite a bit. You are in the midst of losing your guy and discovering there is nothing you can do about it. That is a very powerless feeling and, in my opinion, it’s one of the most difficult emotions to deal with.
Would you mind sharing more details about your situation? How long were you together? What is happening for him that he feels he needs to focus on himself more? Is he feeling stressed? Did something at work change? What has happened?
Sometimes, a soul just knows when it’s time to do some focused, internal work. Trust that. I know you want to get back together, but loving someone also means trusting their process, even if it means you are not part of their journey. It doesn’t mean it has to be a forever thing – it might be or maybe your paths will cross again…who knows. I know you don’t want to feel the hurt of letting him go, but loving means letting go when it’s the best thing for him…and he knows what is best for him right now.
When we face the feeling of powerlessness, the first place we can find any kind of peace, is in the acceptance of what is happening. A lot of pain accompanies that peace, but it’s just the beginning of the healing journey. When you stop fighting what is happening, you can rest. AND….it allows for other things to come in and help you heal, help you continue to move forward and help you find joy again. It’s going to take time, but none of that will happen if all you are focusing on, is getting him back.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh fun! It sounds like you are going to have a few adventures! I love that! The more fun you have, the more fulfilled you will feel. I’m glad you got a good raise so that you can cover yourself for all of those things!
If he’s that pushy now, he’s probably not going to respect me later, so I think I’ll let him go. Yep! Good job sensing that! Let the guy go!
And no, I’m not getting a lot of attention Do you think it has to do with being on the sites for so long? I know it’s not uncommon for the attention to trickle in after being a long-time member. I know you have been on and off with the same sites for many years now. Are you coming across a lot of new members on all the different sites? Also, we’d be happy to help you shift your profile some again, if you want to change things up.
I have 2 friends and that’s about it. I only have 1 friend and she now has a boyfriend. All my closest friends live in other states and I never see them, so I understand how that can cause you to feel lonely as I have felt that many times. I keep my focus on everything I DO have and I keep focusing on everything I like about myself as a person. I make sure I am out in the nature a lot and I also make sure I am still social. And you know what? I’d say about 95% of the time, I live my life feeling quite fulfilled and peaceful. I want to encourage you to work with those lonely feelings and desires instead of trying to constantly look for an external source to fix how you feel. Just a thought.
Heidi
I’m so glad your check came in! Finally creating some closure! What do you mean you promised God you’d give him your check? Did you donate it to church or something?
Good for Deb following through this time around. Looking for snow owls sounds like so much fun! Do you know where they nest or something?
I understand you getting nervous about a guy wanting to talk more immediately offline. I find everyone does it differently and how long people have been on dating sites, it greatly impacts how they approach everything. You get to do you – is there an issue with you just saying no to those guys who move fast for your taste? Are there not any men that are more your speed that you are coming across?
Rhonda, you are doing everything you can to meet a man both online and organically. You go to meetup groups, you go to church functions, you are out and about going to places that you can meet a guy. I’m not sure there is much more you can do, other than just trusting that a guy will show up and connect with you when the timing is right.
Now that you are back home, are you feeling the desire to find a guy has really increased?
Heidi
Bummer! I hope you have some good immune stuff! It’s no fun to get sick. How is the weather? It’s finally starting to warm up here a bit. It just snowed, but typical weather melted most of it by end of day.
Were you able to connect with Deb? Hopefully she followed through this time. Any moose? Any pics?
Heidi
Thanks for sharing more!
Here are some of my thoughts about all of it:
I was referring especially at the fist stages of dating and even before dating when you take a decision to chose somebody for a relationship. I’m a little confused about this statement. How can you decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone if you don’t know them very well? In the first stages of dating, wanting to be a “priority” is a pretty high and unrealistic expectation. Taking things slow and getting to know someone is one of the best ways to set yourself up for success in the beginning. Maybe help me understand what you are saying a little better…
What I mean by priority is not for him to leave aside all his life and pursue me, no matter what, but to show me that he is thoughtful towards me. Being a priority and being thoughtful are 2 different things. It sounds like you just want to feel like he makes an effort to let you know he is thinking about you and cares about you. For me personally, I would put this in the romantic category. Romance is about showing that you care about someone through actions – whether they be words, gifts, making something…the list is endless. Romance exists when a relationship is alive and nurturing – both people are expressing their feelings towards each other, in various ways.
I’m also thinking that you want a best friend. I know this sounds funny, but there are many people who marry someone who is NOT their best friend. Best friends tell each other most everything. Best friends also tend to tell each other FIRST because they want help, they want to share exciting news – they go through life with each other agreeing that the each other is in the #1 spot. That is what I’m guessing you are saying by wanting to be a priority. Is this what you mean?
-He should have same spiritual beliefs, that would lead to common goals to go for us as a couple What if he didn’t have the same spiritual beliefs but they were close enough? Would this be acceptable and workable for you? For example, what if he practiced Bhuddism and you were spiritual and just attended Unity Church? They are similar enough genres that it would be quite easy to honor and respect each other’s approach. Or…is it ESSENTIAL that he has the same exact beliefs?
He is a leader and a provider; a way of seeing that is if he is confident enough to pursue me from the first stages of the relationship This one is a bit tricky. Being a leader and provider are different things. And neither are actually guarantees just because a man pursues you. A guy who is a narcissist would easily pursue you and would have leadership qualities for sure, but it doesn’t mean he would be a good/healthy/respectful leader. Nor does it mean he will be a provider. What does it mean to YOU for a man to be a leader that you would want to follow? Also, what does it mean for a man to be a provider?
– He loves outdoors and he is planning trips and makes traveling plans for us For this to happen, he needs to have money. Are you requiring a certain level of income for him to be able to pay for him AND for you? What if you made more money than him? Would you pay for trips for the both of you? Is that acceptable? If you want a man who makes a good amount of $, do you have in mind a certain amount? Do you have a standard of living that you require that you are clear about?
He is creative and open-minded, he has his own projects that he enjoys focusing on when he is in his own world These are also 2 very different things. Creative? What does that mean to you? Artistic? He likes to build? What if his projects are about building cars? Is that okay? No so much a creative kind of thing, but a problem solving kind of thing. What does open-minded mean to you? Open-minded to everything? Even religion? Sexual preferences? Nutrition? Where to live?
This is the hard part about creating this kind of list. When it stays in your head, it makes sense, but then writing it all out is a very different experience. I know I’m picking apart your ideas, but it’s for the purpose of helping you establish some very CLEAR standards so that when you date, you are operating from a mindset of clarity vs. getting wrapped up in a situation like you did.
If a non-negotiable quality of yours is to feel like a priority, then how come you kept giving the a guy a chance? He showed you a handful of times by not texting you, not setting up video calls or phone calls and not being very responsive, that he was not a man of his word nor very invested. What made you keep trying? This is also the BEST use of our non-negotiable list…what is happening inside of US that causes us to start to negotiate a non-negotiable quality? I’ve done it many times and each time, it shows me where some old beliefs, low self-esteem, wounds are still festering and not completely resolved. Me, just like everyone, despite all that I know and despite the years of deep healing work that I have done, will negotiate away my requirements in exchange for connection. Each time I look at my choices that are not aligned for my best and highest self, I discover new parts of myself. Just some things to think about.
Thoughts?
Heidi
