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Everyone has been craving sunshine and warm weather. It’s been such an intense winter here! I love that you are getting out and going on walks. It’s good for the soul!
Have you gotten any great pictures at the dog park? Are you getting that business going at all?
Heidi
Happy to help!
I’d love to take you through an exercise if you are willing. It will help be a very powerful guide as you date. I call it the non-negotiable list. It’s really the only list that you need.
Here is the concept. You create a list of the qualities that are non-negotiable….TRULY non-negotiable. Meaning…if these qualities are not present in the relationship, your soul is going to starve. So…literally, you HAVE to know your deal breakers. There are obvious deal breakers like abuse, so those are given and don’t need to be on your list.
Most people tend to create a list about what they want…that’s not this. It’s important for you to really connect into what you NEED in order to feel nourished. Here are a few things on my list:
1. Romantic – I will NOT survive or feel nourished in a relationship if my guy is not romantic. He needs to ENJOY being romantic with me and have it be a natural way he loves to show me how he loves me.
2. Loves dogs – Dogs are a HUGE part of my life. My guy HAS to love dogs, have patience and truly enjoy their presence if we are going to have a good relationship.
3. Active – I need a guy who enjoys being active in his life…hiking, working out, bike rides – I move a lot, in various ways and having a guy who enjoys movement is important for me so we can be active together.One of the first ways to start this list is to think about yourself. What do you HAVE TO have in your life in order to feel balanced, nourished and happy?
Does this make sense for you?
Heidi
Hi Diana,
We are so glad you are here! Because you are wise enough to ask some questions so you can have a deeper understanding about what is happening.
There are some big red flags happening here – the biggest one being this: I don’t understand his behavior saying that he wants to marry me, For a person to say this without having even seen you on video or had a live conversation, is EXTREMELY suspicious. Honestly, I’m guessing you are being catfished. It is VERY common for people to go online, create fake profiles, hook whomever they want and play all kinds of games with them. This person could easily be a woman. I know you received a video from “him” but it could easily be a video pre-recorded of someone else and you would never know. Anyone who professes their love, compliments you saying how amazing you are and they haven’t even met you is absolutely a dangerous person to interact with. The more compliments, the more saying anything about the future together, the more you know either they are playing games and trying to hook you OR they are someone who attaches waaaaay to easily and will use you as your their source of self esteem – either situation is NOT relationship material on any level.
Besides just this 1 statement above, the fact that this person is connective and then not connective is a game in and of itself. If this person is ALREADY not showing consistent behavior and going from one extreme to the other, and you haven’t even talked to them on the phone, RUN the other way! What do you think being in relationship with a person like this is going to be like? A HUGE rollercoaster ride full of drama is what you are stepping into.
Think about dating this way….your heart is sacred, unique and requires very special care. You are the CEO of your heart. You need to find someone who will care for your heart with the utmost care, respect and honor. Dating is you “interviewing” applicant for the job of taking care of your heart alongside you. Any job interview starts with questions and observation. You want to see that a person’s words and actions are aligned and that they are actually qualified for the job. You are more concerned about not trying to scare him away and trying to respect HIM instead of viewing this whole thing as if HE needs to earn your heart. HE needs to prove himself to YOU, not the other way around. As the CEO of your company (your heart), would you hire this applicant to care for your heart?
Heidi
I get that there are still some things to create closure with and it’s a serious pain in the butt! Yuk! AND….you are home AND you got a sizeable raise. That makes everything so much more easy to deal with, right? Your heart gets to recover. You get to find your doctors and get your health back in alignment. You get to make new friends. You get to have your home cared for again. This is all wonderful! And you have the funds now to help with all of those things. I love it!
I was waaaaay too late to reserve campgrounds here. I’m a total glamper. I fully admit it. I’m not a fan of hiking in to camp. So all the sites have been reserved for months already because everyone knows if you don’t reserved in November when they open up reservations, it’s near impossible to get a site for the summer. Oh well. Maybe next year. A grizzly bear tour sounds like so much fun!
Thanks for asking about my mom. Her recovery is slow going right now. She finished her P.T. and is now working with me, so I will make sure to get her where she needs to be!
Heidi
Sounds like you are figuring everything out. You are walking, you are going to dog parks, you are figuring out your body, you are being social…you get to be in your own home and bed…no more struggles with the environment. How is your heart? Are you happy and peaceful????
How is work going so far?
Heidi
Oop! So strange! I wrote a response yesterday, but it’s not here. I wonder what happened!
I didn’t ask for further explanation because he doesn’t owe me one. He said he’s unavailable, and I respected that. Ask anways! One of the main reasons people end up getting involved with someone who isn’t a good match for them, is they don’t ask enough questions! People sometimes has this belief “Well if they want me to know, they’ll tell me” or “I don’t want to pry” or like what you said “He doesn’t owe me an explanation.” None of that is true. In fact, it needs to be quite the opposite and here is why: Your heart is the job, your date is the applicant and you are the CEO of your VERY sacred, unique, precious heart. How else are you going to know if the applicant is right for the job, unless you ask them questions??? I am a master question-asker. I ask a TON of questions, no matter the subject. If they don’t want to answer, then they need to say something. If they are afraid to say “I’m not comfortable answering that quite yet” then they are not the right match for me anyways. For me, I have to have a guy who is strong enough to know his limitations and boundaries and be able to communicate them. Otherwise, I want to know every single little detail about that person, INCLUDING his stress responses and how he handles things.
One of thing I always tell people is that you choose someone according to their worst side, not their best side. It’s their worst side that will make or break your relationship – so the sooner you know that side of them, the better. You want to see HOW they handle stress. How do they talk to you when they are angry? Hurt? Triggered? What actions do they take? Do they disappear or do they stay and talk? How do they treat themselves? Asking Bill about what happened and why he isn’t emotionally available, would have given you some insight into how he handles stress. You want to see HOW he talks about her, how angry or hurt he feels, what is he doing about all of that etc.? If he isn’t doing anything about it and is just letting everything fester, then that is very important to know!!! Would you hire an applicant to care for your sacred heart, who has no skillset of how to handle stress??
I figured being prepared BEFORE I’m in a relationship would be better than trying to fix one that’s already failing. I know not all relationships are able to be troubleshooted ahead of time, but I look at it this way: you can’t go wrong learning how to speak to and treat a man the way he responds to positively. I understand your perspective and why you are wanting to learn. I definitely do not want to discourage you from doing that. I want to invite you to learn in a way that’s even more powerful though. Learn about yourself. A core truth is, when you learn to love and accept ALL of who you are, learn how to forgive the worst in you, learn how to honor and care for your heart with the utmost respect – then you will also treat others the same way and that is enough to have a healthy relationship. It’s not REALLY about learning how to treat a man specifically. It’s about BEING respect. It’s about BEING curiosity. It’s about BEING present. It’s about BEING emotional safety – but you have to be all of those for yourself FIRST if you are going to BE all those things in a relationship. It really is the only way to TRULY troubleshoot a relationship so to speak. All the other small, intricate details about a guy, you will learn along the way. A guy that is truly a good match for you, in a HEALTHY way, will respond more to who you are vs. the specific techniques you have learned along the way. Yes, those help, but it’s not the CORE of a successful relationship – it’s more like the cherry on top – not essential, but an added bonus.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Step into the “boring.” Don’t try and change that! Part of why it feels boring is because you are coming off of a pretty stressful situation. You were so unhappy and that gave you A LOT of “entertainment” so to speak. Coming home, your nervous system gets to calm down, but you are calling it “boring” instead of peace. Step into it…breathe….be grateful for it…and every time you call it boring, switch the word to “peaceful” or “nourishing.” Maybe consider going out and taking pictures at dog parks instead of trying to meet a guy. Maybe start editing some of the pictures you already have and start to sell them. Focus purely on yourself right now and give yourself time to adjust being back home again.
Heidi
Hi Jennifer! Welcome!
I love that you are here learning new things! I’m curious, what inspired you to purchase the program? Most women purchase the program because they are under some kind of stress in their dating or relationship situation and are wanting to fix it somehow. That isn’t you. It sounds like everything is going well, so what made you want to learn this material?
How long have you guys been friends? How long has the attraction been going on?
I’m happy to hear you are really honoring him and the place he is at emotionally. The majority of women do everything they can to change the guy’s mind and it ends up in disaster. Good job for being patient and willing to just let him be who he needs to be right now. How long was he in that relationship? How long ago did they break up?
I don’t want to sound like I’m just throwing flattery around in a haphazard manner. EXACTLY! Just like what you said, you want it to be organic. The way I like to imagine this concept is that there is a relationship “bank account” and it’s super important to make small deposits often. Over time, there is a lot of savings that gets built up, so when there is an argument, when there is something incredibly challenging in the relationship, you have a good amount of “money” to support you guys through the tough times. To be honest though, I wouldn’t worry about it at this point. You guys are not in a relationship and who knows if you ever will be. He needs to be willing to take that risk again and that may take a very long time like it does for most people. Out of curiosity, how long are you willing to wait? I do want to encourage you to keep yourself open to other opportunities as well. This is sooooo important so you don’t put your love life on hold for a guy who is not available. I know he is wonderful for you, but there are many wonderful guys out there! Go out and experience them and get to know yourself. Dating is a wonderful way to get to know yourself, practice techniques that you learn, developing your communication skills, learning about your inner judgements and criticism and so much more! It doesn’t always have to be about finding someone to pair with. In fact, I rarely ever used dating for that. I used dating as a way to get to know the ins and outs of myself…what worked, what didn’t and through it all, I developed my self confidence, I became a VERY skilled communicator and I became quite masterful at reading what was going on behind what someone was saying and presenting. Is that something you would be willing to do?
The tips I mainly have is to make sure you are organic about it. DO NOT force it and DO NOT think it’s something you have to do often. Imagine that you are talking to their BEST self…just like the example you gave. For example, when he is stressed, upset or depressed let’s say, talking to his best self means you are speaking to that part of him that knows how to navigate the stress. So you say something like, “I know how hard this is. I believe in you. You are resilient, resourceful and I have no doubt that you will get past this moment.” Basically, you are highlighting the best part of them when they are feeling the worst part of themselves. Another way to do it, is if he makes you laugh a lot for example, you would throw something in there like “I love how much I get to laugh with you.” So again, speaking to their best self and shining a light on that. It sounds like you might already have a natural ability for this though. Men need to feel valued and appreciated – it’s really important for them, so that’s where the “small deposits often” is a concept you make sure to implement into your relationship, whenever you do have one.
Was this helpful? Does it make more sense?
I’m also so sad to hear that you lost your husband. That must have been extremely tough for you. How are you doing about that? I know that it’s can be a scary thing to love again. How does it feel for you to be attracted to another man?
Heidi
Hi Monica, Good to hear from you!
I want to suggest you slow down a bit. I understand that it’s scary not knowing where you stand. It’s not as black and white as you are making it. There are a lot of nuances here.
I have decided that I am just going to tell him I want more and if he is t feeling it then we can break up. I want to suggest staying away from an ultimatum in the way that you are presenting it. How about just talking to him about what you need. What EXACTLY do you want from him? What does that look like in your relationship with him?
Again, understand that getting involved with a guy that isn’t even divorced yet, is a HUGE HUGE risk. He may say that he is invested and wants to move forward, but truth is, between the PTSD and his marriage ending – he has A LOT on his plate and isn’t going to be emotionally available to the level that you want, as he shouldn’t be. He has a lot of baggage he is carrying around and you want to add more to the pile for him by requiring more from him? It seems like what you want and expect from him is not something ANY person would be able to offer you, under these kinds of circumstances. So…maybe instead of an ultimatum, you can just talk with him about where he is at and really HONOR the situation he is in. I think this is more about YOU deciding what is best for you by gathering more information and talking with him, instead of giving him an ultimatum and putting the choice on him, because you don’t want to have to make that choice. What if YOU made the decision to stay or go by honoring him and where he is at and by honoring yourself and where you are at. You can choose to accept his place in life right now and what he is able to offer, or decide it’s just not enough for you. So the ultimatum is on YOU and not him. I say this because most guys will immediately run and get defensive when they are presented with ultimatums. Sometimes they are necessary, but you guys have only been dating 3.5 months – so presenting this kind of ultimatum and making HIM choose will probably backfire on you.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Holy smokes! What a birth story!!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you and your mom are close. Moms are quite special, aren’t they?
It’s a very interesting pattern you have noticed about your birthday. You might want to look up this book. It’s fascinating! It talks about fractal time and how similar events can have patterned occurrences and how you can break that pattern if you want. There is even a mathematical formula you can use to calculate the first event that was imprinted on time. This blew me away! https://www.amazon.com/Fractal-Time-Gregg-Braden-ebook/dp/B00DJ736ZC
This year will be a huge one for me as I have started to give myself much needed introspection, love, attention, education, etc. So one day this year can be one of those stories I can look back on with pride, gratitude and appreciation. I love this! What’s your plan? How are you going to make sure this happens???
It’s so strange to be able to connect with someone on a completely different continent! It’s really fun and such an honor to get to connect with you!
Heidi
This is wonderful!!! I love that you both are committed to creating the space and openness for this to develop organically without forcing things. It sounds like this connection has a good foundation and that both of you are on the same page and talking about it! Being away for possibly up to 3 months will be really good to help you both get to experience the friendship developing most of all without the distraction of intimacy, thoughts about moving in together or trying to force something. Distance is a beautiful thing sometimes!
I would love to recommend my coach for you. She is magical and masterful when it comes to identifying core wounds and working with them…quite fast actually. She has her Ph.D. in Psychology and worked as a therapist for a couple of decades, but she decided to eventually give up her license when she moved to a new state. She is HIGHLY skilled and quite masterful at navigating the pysche and is brilliant when it comes to helping you connect to your core truths. She mostly works remote over Facetime I believe or the phone as her techniques are able to be used anywhere. Whenever you feel ready to deep dive into this abandonment pattern, let me know and I will email you privately with her information.
Thank you for the update!!! I’m looking forward to hearing more about how things progress!
Heidi
Hi Abbie,
It would be great to hear from you! It’s been a while. Any thoughts? More questions? Any new developments?
Heidi
Hey there! It’s been a while since you responded, so I thought I’d check in and see how you are doing. How are things going? Any new developments? Have you decided to accept his mother for her role in his life?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Just wanted to check in and see if you had more questions, thoughts about what I said or wanting more understanding. It would be wonderful to hear from you and to keep talking about this!
Heidi
This is wonderful! I love that you have really connected into another level of truth and that it is having a really big impact for you. This is what it’s like to slowly start to heal. It’s getting the truth at your core and releasing the stories and programming that were shaping your beliefs and perspectives. You have an affinity for truth, which is unusual. The average person can take a while before they are able to embrace a truth, because in order for a truth to become the center, your system has to let go of something else. You embraced it quite quickly! If you decide you want to work with my coach, you will be a really good fit with her and you will move through the process very quickly. That’s my favorite thing about her, I think. With her approach and techniques, I move through some of the most sticky, difficult and fearful things at a lightning pace compared to other practitioners I have worked with.
So it’s your birthday??? What is your age? It sounds like you are going to have a really wonderful dinner! I always like to ask people this….what is one thing that makes it feel like your birthday? For me, it’s my mom. She always calls and I always ask her the story of my birth…what she felt, what some of her thoughts were, what was I like etc. I NEVER get tired of hearing my birth story. Moms know us in a way that no other human being on this earth could know us. If you are close with your mom, you should ask her!
Heidi
