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Have you ever tried Eharmony? I think I remember asking you about that before, but can’t remember what you said. Or have you tried Jdate? Bumble? Hinge?
Maybe it’s time to try a new site that you haven’t been on yet.
Your profile feels kind of…not sure what the word is, but it’s lacking life force. I’m not really sensing or feeling your passion, your life force, your uniqueness. It honestly feels like a profile of someone who has been doing this for so long that’s it has become mundane and not exciting anymore. Maybe that’s how you feel?
Maybe consider not dating for a while. Just keep going to events, but what if you just stopped looking for a while? Fill up your life with other things while you get re-oriented to this new life you are creating. Just something to think about.
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through. That’s incredibly intense. Has he ever tried therapy like EMDR? Or Hypnotism? Doing ketamine protocols can absolutely help, but it doesn’t help him develop any kind of skillset to handle stressors in life. I’m wondering why he decided to stop treatment? What was your marriage like in the beginning? When did all of these issues show up?
Let me ask you this….let’s say you were able to say some “magic words” that inspire him to stay in the marriage. Then what? All the issues in the relationship are not going to change and you will still have a challenging marriage. How long are YOU going to stay in a marriage that is more challenging than it is nourishing?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Welcome! I am so sorry for what you are going through. That’s incredibly intense. Has he ever tried therapy like EMDR? Or Hypnotism? Doing ketamine protocols can absolutely help, but it doesn’t help him develop any kind of skillset to handle stressors in life. I’m wondering why he decided to stop treatment? What was your marriage like in the beginning? When did all of these issues show up?
Let me ask you this….let’s say you were able to say some “magic words” that inspire him to stay in the marriage. Then what? All the issues in the relationship are not going to change and you will still have a challenging marriage. How long are YOU going to stay in a marriage that is more challenging than it is nourishing?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Would love to hear how things are going for you. Any new updates? Did you decide to have that conversation with him?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Would love to hear an update for you. Any thoughts on what I said? Any new developments?
Heidi
I LOVE doing fires in a park or while camping. There is something so beautiful and peaceful about having a fire while outside. Do you get good stars where you are at? Here, we don’t see many, because there are so many lights. Although, a few hours away is one of the very few officially designated spots for star gazing. I forget what they call it, but it’s a place where there are no lights allowed, so you get to a gazillion stars. It’s on my list of things to do this summer – also going to see the big foot museum. LOL. Apparently, it’s pretty cool! We shall see 🙂
Whenever you are ready, Spyce or I will help you switch some things up in your profile.
What exactly are you going to do for your remodel?
Have a fun weekend! Hope you find some owls.
Heidi
Hi Glenise,
It sounds like you are hurting quite a bit. You are in the midst of losing your guy and discovering there is nothing you can do about it. That is a very powerless feeling and, in my opinion, it’s one of the most difficult emotions to deal with.
Would you mind sharing more details about your situation? How long were you together? What is happening for him that he feels he needs to focus on himself more? Is he feeling stressed? Did something at work change? What has happened?
Sometimes, a soul just knows when it’s time to do some focused, internal work. Trust that. I know you want to get back together, but loving someone also means trusting their process, even if it means you are not part of their journey. It doesn’t mean it has to be a forever thing – it might be or maybe your paths will cross again…who knows. I know you don’t want to feel the hurt of letting him go, but loving means letting go when it’s the best thing for him…and he knows what is best for him right now.
When we face the feeling of powerlessness, the first place we can find any kind of peace, is in the acceptance of what is happening. A lot of pain accompanies that peace, but it’s just the beginning of the healing journey. When you stop fighting what is happening, you can rest. AND….it allows for other things to come in and help you heal, help you continue to move forward and help you find joy again. It’s going to take time, but none of that will happen if all you are focusing on, is getting him back.
Thoughts?
Heidi
Oh fun! It sounds like you are going to have a few adventures! I love that! The more fun you have, the more fulfilled you will feel. I’m glad you got a good raise so that you can cover yourself for all of those things!
If he’s that pushy now, he’s probably not going to respect me later, so I think I’ll let him go. Yep! Good job sensing that! Let the guy go!
And no, I’m not getting a lot of attention Do you think it has to do with being on the sites for so long? I know it’s not uncommon for the attention to trickle in after being a long-time member. I know you have been on and off with the same sites for many years now. Are you coming across a lot of new members on all the different sites? Also, we’d be happy to help you shift your profile some again, if you want to change things up.
I have 2 friends and that’s about it. I only have 1 friend and she now has a boyfriend. All my closest friends live in other states and I never see them, so I understand how that can cause you to feel lonely as I have felt that many times. I keep my focus on everything I DO have and I keep focusing on everything I like about myself as a person. I make sure I am out in the nature a lot and I also make sure I am still social. And you know what? I’d say about 95% of the time, I live my life feeling quite fulfilled and peaceful. I want to encourage you to work with those lonely feelings and desires instead of trying to constantly look for an external source to fix how you feel. Just a thought.
Heidi
I’m so glad your check came in! Finally creating some closure! What do you mean you promised God you’d give him your check? Did you donate it to church or something?
Good for Deb following through this time around. Looking for snow owls sounds like so much fun! Do you know where they nest or something?
I understand you getting nervous about a guy wanting to talk more immediately offline. I find everyone does it differently and how long people have been on dating sites, it greatly impacts how they approach everything. You get to do you – is there an issue with you just saying no to those guys who move fast for your taste? Are there not any men that are more your speed that you are coming across?
Rhonda, you are doing everything you can to meet a man both online and organically. You go to meetup groups, you go to church functions, you are out and about going to places that you can meet a guy. I’m not sure there is much more you can do, other than just trusting that a guy will show up and connect with you when the timing is right.
Now that you are back home, are you feeling the desire to find a guy has really increased?
Heidi
Bummer! I hope you have some good immune stuff! It’s no fun to get sick. How is the weather? It’s finally starting to warm up here a bit. It just snowed, but typical weather melted most of it by end of day.
Were you able to connect with Deb? Hopefully she followed through this time. Any moose? Any pics?
Heidi
Thanks for sharing more!
Here are some of my thoughts about all of it:
I was referring especially at the fist stages of dating and even before dating when you take a decision to chose somebody for a relationship. I’m a little confused about this statement. How can you decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone if you don’t know them very well? In the first stages of dating, wanting to be a “priority” is a pretty high and unrealistic expectation. Taking things slow and getting to know someone is one of the best ways to set yourself up for success in the beginning. Maybe help me understand what you are saying a little better…
What I mean by priority is not for him to leave aside all his life and pursue me, no matter what, but to show me that he is thoughtful towards me. Being a priority and being thoughtful are 2 different things. It sounds like you just want to feel like he makes an effort to let you know he is thinking about you and cares about you. For me personally, I would put this in the romantic category. Romance is about showing that you care about someone through actions – whether they be words, gifts, making something…the list is endless. Romance exists when a relationship is alive and nurturing – both people are expressing their feelings towards each other, in various ways.
I’m also thinking that you want a best friend. I know this sounds funny, but there are many people who marry someone who is NOT their best friend. Best friends tell each other most everything. Best friends also tend to tell each other FIRST because they want help, they want to share exciting news – they go through life with each other agreeing that the each other is in the #1 spot. That is what I’m guessing you are saying by wanting to be a priority. Is this what you mean?
-He should have same spiritual beliefs, that would lead to common goals to go for us as a couple What if he didn’t have the same spiritual beliefs but they were close enough? Would this be acceptable and workable for you? For example, what if he practiced Bhuddism and you were spiritual and just attended Unity Church? They are similar enough genres that it would be quite easy to honor and respect each other’s approach. Or…is it ESSENTIAL that he has the same exact beliefs?
He is a leader and a provider; a way of seeing that is if he is confident enough to pursue me from the first stages of the relationship This one is a bit tricky. Being a leader and provider are different things. And neither are actually guarantees just because a man pursues you. A guy who is a narcissist would easily pursue you and would have leadership qualities for sure, but it doesn’t mean he would be a good/healthy/respectful leader. Nor does it mean he will be a provider. What does it mean to YOU for a man to be a leader that you would want to follow? Also, what does it mean for a man to be a provider?
– He loves outdoors and he is planning trips and makes traveling plans for us For this to happen, he needs to have money. Are you requiring a certain level of income for him to be able to pay for him AND for you? What if you made more money than him? Would you pay for trips for the both of you? Is that acceptable? If you want a man who makes a good amount of $, do you have in mind a certain amount? Do you have a standard of living that you require that you are clear about?
He is creative and open-minded, he has his own projects that he enjoys focusing on when he is in his own world These are also 2 very different things. Creative? What does that mean to you? Artistic? He likes to build? What if his projects are about building cars? Is that okay? No so much a creative kind of thing, but a problem solving kind of thing. What does open-minded mean to you? Open-minded to everything? Even religion? Sexual preferences? Nutrition? Where to live?
This is the hard part about creating this kind of list. When it stays in your head, it makes sense, but then writing it all out is a very different experience. I know I’m picking apart your ideas, but it’s for the purpose of helping you establish some very CLEAR standards so that when you date, you are operating from a mindset of clarity vs. getting wrapped up in a situation like you did.
If a non-negotiable quality of yours is to feel like a priority, then how come you kept giving the a guy a chance? He showed you a handful of times by not texting you, not setting up video calls or phone calls and not being very responsive, that he was not a man of his word nor very invested. What made you keep trying? This is also the BEST use of our non-negotiable list…what is happening inside of US that causes us to start to negotiate a non-negotiable quality? I’ve done it many times and each time, it shows me where some old beliefs, low self-esteem, wounds are still festering and not completely resolved. Me, just like everyone, despite all that I know and despite the years of deep healing work that I have done, will negotiate away my requirements in exchange for connection. Each time I look at my choices that are not aligned for my best and highest self, I discover new parts of myself. Just some things to think about.
Thoughts?
Heidi
I know those kind of bad days. Not fun! At least you are back home and you get to be in an area that you love and are comfortable in. It makes all the hard days that much easier!
Just curious…what do you think it means about you if you have NO attention from men?
Heidi
Haha! You crack me up. Actually what you said is waaaaay more appropriate than what you think you should have said and here is why:
First I said I respected and appreciated him for asking and giving me an opportunity to share my thoughts. Then I said I was looking for a high quality man and if that high quality man happened to live some distance away then I was willing to put in the extra effort. I laughed and said my life has never been easy so I’ve learned to do what I had to do to succeed, and that included relationships. I know it’s not ideal, but it’s not impossible. So 3 or 4 sentences, but still more serious than what I needed to be, I think. This isn’t serious at all. You are just stating that you are willing to put in the effort and that it’s always possible IF you felt a guy was high quality. I LOVE that! Speaking generally about your beliefs, you answered his question.
I could have just said something like, Well, I know it’s not ideal, but I think I’m worth the extra effort, and I get the impression you’re the quality of man that would be worth the effort, too. This is waaaaay too personal. You already are saying that your impression is that he is the level of quality that would be worth the effort and you HARDLY know him. You are giving him this REALLY big compliment and he hasn’t even earned it yet. This statement is EXTREMELY personal and would scare off most guys who would go “Wow…I’ve never even met her yet and she is already telling me I’m a high quality guy and worth the effort…too needy for my taste.” or “Wow…she is trying too hard. No thanks.” And then you wanted to say “I think I’m worth the extra effort” and to many people, that can come off as quite egotistical, even if you don’t mean it that way. I always suggest to stay away from “tooting your own horn” through text. It can so easily be misconstrued, so it’s best to show that kind of confidence IN PERSON, where the person can feel you and the WHOLE experience of the delivery of a statement like that.
Thoughts on this??? Do you see the difference? Does it make sense what I am saying?
Heidi
People in general need to talk about it – although women are typically much more willing. I find with men, if I open the door and ask a few questions, they easily fall into the same kind of conversations.
I am not dating someone who does not make me a priority. Let’s talk about this statement. What does that mean? How does that play out in a relationship? My guess is, this is something you have NOT experienced and it caused a lot of hurt, therefore it’s on your list. That’s where this can get a bit tricky, because many times, what we want and what is non-negotiable, is actually coming from old wounds that haven’t been fully cleared. Thoughts on this?
What else would be on your list?
Heidi
Hi Monica,
Welcome! I love that you are here wanting to learn more about what it means to be a better partner. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It’s so incredibly intense when you make a choice to break your integrity and have your partner punish you over and over and over again. It’s awful. I know you feel shame and guilt, so the first thing I want to talk about is forgiving yourself.
Listen Monica…we ALL make mistakes. The beauty in those mistakes is what we learn about ourselves and what we are capable of AND it also teaches us A LOT about the person/people we hurt in the process. Instead of viewing this situation as “I messed up and I need to earn his trust back,” what if you looked at it like “I messed up. I have learned that I am capable of breaking my integrity and that’s important for me to know so I can pay more attention to myself in the future. I am also learning a lot about my partner. This situation, as hard as it is, is being a very powerful teacher for me.” Take a step back and look at ALL the things you are learning about yourself, your guy, your relationship….what is it teaching you? Turn this situation into something that works FOR you and not against you. The place to start with that, is forgiving yourself. You made a mistake, you lied about it and that’s that. It’s done and over. Forgive your humanness. Forgive your choices. Forgive your limitations. Then get back up and move forward. Take the lessons you have learned about yourself and USE THEM! I have also done the same thing you have done and I knew exactly what I was doing at the time…I knew my coping mechanisms, I knew my passive aggressive tendencies, I knew I was pissed and that’s why I was doing it, I knew I was using the other guy….but what I didn’t know about myself at the time, is that I was actually capable of cheating. That shocked me, because I knew soooooo much, I viewed relationships as sacred, I held myself in high regard when it came to my integrity – and here I was, breaking it….knowingly. That was a HUGE eye opener for me. I didn’t think I was ever capable of breaking my integrity when it came to relationships. Now I know that I am ALWAYS capable of that, with just the right mixture of hurt and anger and it’s important for me to take care of my feelings IMMEDIATELY so I don’t cause damage. So what do you understand about yourself and why you made that choice?
Now let’s talk about your guy a little bit. I know it’s not going to be what you want to hear, but I’m hoping that you start to open your eyes a little more about the kind of person you are choosing to invite into your life and what you think love is.
We did fight a lot and he would put me down a lot Is this the kind of love that you envision? A love where there is a lot of fighting and verbal abuse (yes, criticism is verbal abuse) It sounds like you guys have more of a wounded type of love than a healthy kind of love that nourishes BOTH people and feels safe. It sounds like you guys have a VERY strong connection though. There is a love that is there, but there also is a lot of hurt that suffocates that love. Watch this video:https://youtu.be/HRREbjsq3jY
he would give me another chance after a month or two if I’m doing all the right things and I’m making positive changes in my life. So I want to show him that I can be honest and more trustworthy since I broke his trust. I want to invite you to think differently here. First, it’s not YOUR job to get him to forgive you…that is HIS job and something he is going to have to wrestle with. He wants YOU to fight for him, all the while he is constantly punishing you, criticizing you and reminding you of your limitations….while HE is not willing to do his own work. He is expecting YOU to make him feel better when that is HIS responsibility. Our happiness, our balance, the feelings we feel are OURS and not for anyone else to fix or care for. Instead of HIM doing his own work, dealing with his feelings and choosing forgiveness, he is instead expecting YOU to make him feel better and earn back trust that he isn’t willing to give you. How long is he planning on holding this against you? How long is he planning on feeling miserable and playing these games? How long is he going to choose to suffer? These are all of HIS choices and NOT your doing. This is how he is CHOOSING to respond to this situation and that is NOT on you. Yes, you messed up. You cannot change that – but it’s not YOUR responsibility to make him feel better..it’s HIS. Also, it’s not very realistic to think that you are trustworthy when you haven’t done the work to figure out why you broke your integrity in the first place. The energy that caused you make that kind of decision, is not an energy that goes away. It WILL come up again and it’s naive to think you won’t be tempted again or even act on it again. Right now, your focus needs to be repairing trust with yourself FIRST, repairing your integrity and getting to know your choices – the anger you feel, the hurt you feel and the passive aggressive tendencies you have. THAT is how you become trustworthy again, not just because you say so. If he did the same thing to you, would you just believe him when he says he won’t do it again? I hope not. NO ONE changes just they say they want to. You have to see action behind their words. You are so focused on HIM and making HIM happy and earning HIS trust back, that you are losing site of yourself. Have you ever considered that your choice to sabotage the relationship might be telling you how unhappy you actually are with him – regardless of how much you love him? Love is NOT enough and it never will be. Love just brings people together, but how the relationship functions and how people treat each other is what makes or breaks a relationship. People RARELY breakup because of a lack of love – people break up because there is so much hurt and dysfunction, despite the love and connection.
Thoughts?
Heidi
