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Hi Erica,
Welcome! What a way to fall in love.
You haven’t shared much detail, so I’m unsure how to guide you. I’m curious about how couple’s therapy is going. How long have you guys been together now? What types of issues are you discussing in therapy? Does he seem to be open to growing and connecting? Does he seem to take the guidance from therapy and apply it to the relationship? If you didn’t know about him hitting on other girls, how would you describe your relationship? Do YOU feel happy and that you guys are growing and bonding more?
Do you know if he has ever cheated before in other relationships?
I understand you being cautious in the beginning with a musician. They do have quite a reputation for cheating because of the easy attention they receive.
I understand you feel like you are in love with him and that makes it incredibly difficult to make a decision to leave him. I would say the decision is yours to make, but from a different kind of mindset. Love is more about you. Ask yourself this question…is it a LOVING, NOURISHING and RESPECTFUL thing to YOURSELF, loving your guy? Another way to say it is this….is loving him, a respectful, nourishing, and kind thing for your heart? If you valued your heart beyond anything….if you viewed and cared for your heart as if it were the most sacred treasure in the entire world, do you feel safe sharing your heart with him? Do you feel safe that he would take care of and honor your heart as if it were the most sacred treasure?
Heidi
Isn’t so nice to get see more of the outside? I love how the blinds are making the windows feel bigger! The smallest things can make the biggest difference!
As far as Brandon goes, I would suggest to pick one thing to try and let him do the rest. One of your habits is to over-initiate, so try something different. Let HIM initiate and then in your response, you can subtly let him know you are enjoying his company. Stay away from compliments for right now. Save those for later on down the road. The thing you want to avoid is coming across like you are trying really hard to get his attention or make him feel good as that can be a turn off for a guy IF IF IF he isn’t sure if he is interested in you. The goal here is, to see if HE initiates. You make yourself available and ask 1 question and see what he responds like. Let HIM ask the next question. The goal here is NOT about figuring out how to let him know you are interested, but instead to see if he is interested in you and makes some effort in trying to connect with you. THEN…if he does show interest this time around, that’s something to build off of. LET THE GUY DO THE WORK!!!! Make yourself available for connection of course, but LET HIM DO THE WORK!!! You are masterful at generating conversation, initiating connection and making things happen, so take a back seat this time and be the receiver instead of the generator.
Thoughts on that??
Heidi
I love that you are so aware of all the different types of situations and how you show up with expressing your opinions, thoughts and feelings. You are VERY normal where a part of you absolutely values your own opinion and you will not have any issues expressing them at the most effective time. AND…there is another part of you that acts in opposition to that. You say that you value your opinion, but if that were true, through and through and in every single situation, you wouldn’t have these “stories” listed below. So all this tells you is that you are “split” so to speak. You have a part of you with higher self esteem and a part of you with lower self-esteem. Just like all of us. I typically move through my life incredibly confident and then I will watch myself stay quiet in situation, stress in certain scenarios that would not reflect a woman with high confidence. It’s just all part of the human experience!
burden and tire someone with my opinions.
the fact that I didn’t want to burden him with it, that I didn’t want to reject and inconvenience him, that I didn’t want to be too needy, that I did not want to push him away. Also because I actually didn’t know what I felt and thought about that idea at that moment. Even when I realized that I should talk about it, I never found the right moment.
Let’s talk about these stories you have created about yourself. First, do you know where you learned this? Who taught you along the way that your opinion was a “burden” or that you would “inconvenience” someone with your opinion or that your needs were “needy?”
Now let’s break this down even more. What’s the evidence that your guy feels your opinions were “needy” and a “burden?” Has he ever said that to you? Has he ever dismissed your opinions and needs? Does he tend to reject you when you express your opinions or needs?
I also want to encourage you that your opinion, feelings and thoughts matter EVEN WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT!!! This is a “perfection” type of programming. I used to be the same way, where I would only express my thoughts once I had it all sorted. Sometimes that is important of course, but many times….especially with our intimate partners, you can share your thoughts and feelings as a form of processing and just allowing your partner to witness you and see you move through your journey. So when he asked you about buying a house, you could have said something like “You know…I’m having mixed feelings about it and I’m noticing that some fear is coming up about it. I’m not quite sure what it’s all about, but I’m going to explore it more and I’ll get back to you.” Or “I love the idea! AND I feel some fear about it. I’m not quite sure what I’m afraid of. Do you mind if I just talk it through with you?” MANY times, the people closest to us and who know us, can reflect back what they are hearing and offer some great insights. Do you feel he would be a good person to do that for you? Do you feel safe to do something like that with him? How do you think he would respond if you said something like that to him?
find a way to express something, especially in the case when something is bothering me and if it’s an emotion that’s not from the spectrum of some beautiful and positive emotions. Let’s explore this. It sounds like you have a belief that your negative emotions are not so valuable. Where does this come from? The truth is, ALL emotions, even the intense ones, are a gift to us and those around us. Why? The negative, heavier emotions carry information about where we are holding onto past traumas, stories, lies, hurts etc. The negative emotions give us an opportunity for healing. How in the world would you know anything needs healed unless you had a negative reaction? They serve a great purpose for us! They provide us opportunities for self-love, forgiveness, growth, evolvement, enlightenment etc. The negative emotions are like a flashlight. The negative emotions shine the light on whatever it is that is ready to be released…IF WE PAY ATTENTION to them. Most people have a negative reaction and become a victim, point the finger at the offender and then add to the energetic baggage they are already carrying.
Thoughts on all of this?
Heidi
Hi Martina,
I love how you are learning about yourself. Sometimes, we the way we end up learning comes through loss and I’m so sorry that you have had to lose your guy in order for you to start to realize how some of your patterns helped create a wall between you guys. The beautiful thing is….walls can be taken down!
It sounds like you guys had a great connection that you both felt good about, but there were some holes that eventually caused the disconnect. I’d like to explore how you process, because it’s one thing to become aware of how it can drive a very subtle wedge between you and your partner, but it’s another thing to actually shift it.
It’s important to understand that HOW you process (which is very internal) is just part of who you are. You were born that way and you will leave this earth that way. There is NOTHING wrong with how you process. The idea is more about learning how to work with it in a more healthy way. I think the issues here is more about you developing your self-esteem to be authentic, so that when someone asks you your opinion or how you feel about something, you are honest. I too am a natural internal type of processor, BUT when I do share myself, it’s honest and authentic, so people know that they can rely on what I am saying. If how I feel changes (which it does a lot), I communicate that immediately…therefore people feel safe with me. They trust that I am my word. They know that what I am saying is truly who I am (in that moment). I think this is where it might be a good place to begin for you. Truth is, it takes GREAT strength to be authentic because sometimes, that means you will get rejected, criticized, judged etc. AND…that’s okay! Your feelings, your opinions, your thoughts ARE GUARANTEED to cause disappointment, sadness, hurt, anger, judgment and all of the yucky feelings that exist. IT”S NORMAL!!!! This is true for EVERYONE and it’s part of the human experience. When you hide the way you are hiding, there are greater consequences than those yucky reactions people have sometimes.
The first thing to do is to understand that there is a certain story you have going on in your psyche that is influencing how you process. For example, you said: even then I thought it is all ok and that I can just get in the same track without communicating what I was going through. This is an educated guess, but it seems like you might feel that you don’t want to “bother” him with what you are feeling, or you don’t want to “inconvenience” him, or you don’t want to “burden” him, or you don’t want him to “worry” about you or you are afraid your opinions or thoughts might upset him….do any of those types of thoughts resonate for you?
The thing about partnership, is it TRULY is just about witnessing each other move through life. Don’t you deeply enjoy getting to know who he is every single day and how he experiences things? You are witnessing him. You are a pair of eyes that get to watch him and see him through your own perspective. Your perspective treasures him, sees his greatness, sees his limitations, sees his beautiful heart, sees his flaws..all of which equate to love for you, right? Well…when you don’t allow someone to witness YOU – when you keep your thoughts and feelings inside and do not share or when you are not honest about your feelings – you are not allowing him to witness you. You too carry greatness, flaws, limitations, insecurities, amazingness, laughter, joy etc….all of which also equates to him feeling love for you too. But when you hide, he doesn’t REALLY get to witness you. You are taking away from his ability to really see you and love ALL of you. This “hiding” means that he can’t trust you. He cannot trust that what you say is actually what is authentic for you. This kind of trust is CRUCIAL to having a solid foundation for any kind of relationship.
So again, let’s go back to how you process. What is stopping you from being 100% honest and authentic when he asks your opinion or how you feel about something?
As far as “saving” this relationship, who knows what will happen. I will tell you that he most likely is not interested in stepping back into the patterns with you. So I think the first step to getting him back, is starting to more deeply understand how you deal with your feelings, what influences how you communicate with him and acknowledging how that would be challenging for him. So before you approach him, it’s important that you gain a deeper understanding of yourself as a partner.
How does all of this make you feel?
Heidi
Yes! I got them, thank you!
I would say the first couple of pictures are incredible and that people would buy those for sure! You got the dog in the perfect action position, you can see their eyes and expression and the light looks amazing!
Heidi
This is so great! I love that you finding your “tribe.” It sounds like there are a lot of super fun activities to look forward to and that you have found a place you can start to grow roots. This is exciting!
I’m glad your arm is healing up, but I still would suggest P.T. Even if the pain goes away, there has been trauma and that ALWAYS changes a joint and how it functions. A PT will be able to help you get stronger in the right ways. I can’t tell you how many times I have to help heal other parts of the body because someone didn’t properly rehab a previous injury.
You are slowly going through your house. It must feel really good to come back and make it your own again. I’m sure your spirit is settling and becoming more peaceful again, now that you are officially home.
Heidi
Hi Adelaine,
It sounds like you have really been through a lot since you moved here. I’m so sorry to hear that it didn’t end up working out with your ex and that you lost both of your parents within a year of each other. That is so incredibly stressful! I’m glad you are finally working with a doctor who can help you become more healthy. Do you feel the anxiety is much less now and more manageable?
With online dating, it’s important to understand that when a guy says “I want to be casual” it means that he wants to just date and have sex with whomever he wants. If you want to be taken more seriously, I suggest not to have sex with him anymore. For you, sex is to be taken more seriously, yes? It’s meant to be with someone you are in a relationship with, but you gave in and broke your standard. How come?
I know you really like this guy and you have a lot of feelings for him, but I want to encourage you to really slow things down. You do not know this guy very well. Give it some time and keep going on dates (do not have sex) and see if you keep liking him. You ended up choosing a husband who was very critical and mean to you, so you want to make sure you don’t make that kind of choice again. You want to make sure that you and this guy have fun conversations and enjoy each other’s company in all situations. Make sure that he feels like a really good friend and that he views you the same way.
I would also suggest to no longer talk about what he wants in a relationship. My guess is, now that you have had that conversation, he knows that what you want is different than what he wants right now and he is not going to want to deal with a woman who adds pressure, so he may back off a bit and slowly disappear. DO NOT chase him. Let him come to you. This means, let HIM make the efforts to ask you out. Let HIM be the one to message you first. Let HIM be the one to make the effort. This will help him know that you respect what he wants and you are not going to push him.
I would also suggest to keep dating. Keep having other experiences with many different guys. It will help you remember that there are other guys out there that you can have some fun with.
I know you have trouble trying to figure out what to say in messages. When you respond “I’m good” it doesn’t really open up the conversation to continue. You can say something like “On a scale of 1-10, I’m about a 6 right now. What number are you?” Maybe they say “I am a 4 right now” you can do a follow up question that says “What makes you a 4?” or “What would make you a 10?” I’m not sure if you understand this…does this type of conversation make sense to you?
One thing that really keep a guy interested, if for you to feel like you are an interesting person. What kinds of things do you do in your life? How do you spend your time? How do you have fun? What books do you read? Do you have any hobbies?
Heidi
Hi Pam,
I wanted to check in and see how you are doing. Any thoughts about what I shared? Any new developments? Any new questions?
Heidi
Are you able to get any physical therapy for your arm? I’m glad it’s healing up well and less black and blue. I know how scary that can look.
Hopefully you had some fun at the game night! What kinds of games did you guys play?
Heidi
For the Silver Singles, I love everything you wrote about your perfect day. I got a great sense about you and how you like to spend your time.
When you say “be warned…..” I would suggest to take that out. It doesn’t come across very well because those qualities are not things to actually be warned about – even though you are saying it in a cheeky kind of way. Again, those are things a guy will learn about you over time.
The story section for silver singles is okay. What I learned about you is that you have 2 kids, you provide for yourself and you worked in Europe and are glad to be home. Are those the things you want someone to know about you on a first impression?
As far as your paragraph that you feel is disjointed, is that for silver singles as well? Is there a question asking you to describe your idea guy or something? I would say that what you are describing is most likely way too intimate for the comfort level of most guys. You are describing a life together and you haven’t even met the guy. What if you met a guy that you fell madly in love with BUT he wasn’t interested in a sustainable home? I imagine you would be flexible with that, yet? So I would avoid putting details in that could cause someone that isn’t like-minded to skip your profile. You could say something like “It’s important for me to have a partner who cares about and respects the earth….” But again, the way you are describing your ideal guy could scare a lot of guys off who would feel like you move way to fast. Instead of saying “You are…..” you want to say “I enjoy a guy who likes to be creatively romantic.” Does this make sense at all?
Heidi
Hi Amanda,
Thank you for sharing all of that! You are doing some really good things to become a better partner – I imagine you like yourself more with these changes as well!
We are always here for you, so if you have more questions, please reach out!
Heidi
Hi Emma,
Wow! This is a pretty big step! I hope it goes well for you guys! I would love to hear how your experience goes if you are willing to share when you get back!
I”m sorry he is so dismissive toward your feelings. It sounds like he really isn’t interested in talking about his harmful choices.
For you…I suggest to stop asking for his phone. In essence you are asking him to keep proving to you that he isn’t cheating anymore. This is a MUCH bigger issue, because the truth is, you don’t trust him. Part of that is you and part of that is him. He isn’t willing to really talk about anything, so he isn’t creating space for you to have your feelings. So if you can’t talk to him about things, you are always wondering and the trust really never rebuilds….and your insecurities just remain.
How do you start a meaningful conversation? The first thing I would say is it begins with confidence. If you are unsure, insecure and presenting yourself as if you are worried you are going to annoy him, then that is NOT an effective energy to begin a conversation with. You are feeling insecure, because of how you feel about yourself – it’s not about him. This is about you not knowing and believing in your own value, with or without him. Does this resonate for you? Do you like yourself? Do you feel like you are a woman to be valued and treasured and treated like a queen?
Heidi
Hi April!
Welcome! Would you be willing to share more details about what is happening? What has been so rough about your marriage? Have you guys gotten any help to figure things out?
Reactivating the hero instinct is pretty simple. If you look at the core concept, it’s basically allowing your man into your life more. Asking him for help is a way to create connection. Even if you don’t need his help, it’s good for you to ask because it creates an opportunity for him to be in a giving state and you in a receiving state. Does this make sense? There are a million ways to go about it so get creative and have fun with it! Create moments that are enjoyable for both of you.
What are some ideas you have to activate his hero instinct?
Heidi
This is really good to hear! It sounds like you being more positive and speaking to him with more respect is really contributing. It also sounds like he is ready to make some changes for himself as well.
I’m curious…are you typically a negative person? What was your pattern before when talking with him? Did you criticize him a lot?
I’m glad you are working on being more positive. How are you doing that? Are you shifting your mindset? Are you choosing to see things from a different perspective? What is working for you?
It sounds like the troubles you were having in your marriage were pretty intense. It sounds like he wasn’t happy at all – but that has more to do with him than it does with you. From how you explained it – it seems he really pointed the finger at you for not making him feel happy and fulfilled. I hope you understand this is not YOUR job…this is HIS job. Every person is responsible for their own happiness…ALWAYS. Of course, there are always ways to improve yourself so as to be a better partner, but ultimately, his lack of feeling happy in his life is more about the baggage he carries.
It sounds like things are heading in the direction you want, so are you wanting to continue to get help? If yes, what specific questions do you have?
Heidi
Hi Pam,
Good job for working on yourself! I’m curious…what did you actually do to improve your self-esteem? Did you do therapy? Read some books? What made you NOT love yourself in the first place?
Okay…I’m going to be quite bold and blunt here and it may feel a bit harsh, but I promise, I am coming from a place of compassion for where you are at. What I want MOST for you, is to be able to connect to 100% truth about your agenda and what you want. With what you are saying, you seem quite confused, so hopefully after breaking all of this down a bit, you will feel more clear.
I don’t want to force my agenda on him Of course you want to force your agenda on him and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s actually quite normal – You love him and want him back, so everything you are doing is about trying to attract him again – hence staying connected to him. You DON’T have all the time in the world and you are more in a rush than you are willing to admit. If you weren’t in a rush, you wouldn’t be here inquiring about how to get him back. Again…there is nothing wrong or bad about any of it – what is MOST important is that you are 100% honest with yourself.
How can I show him that I accept his decision to live his life that way without losing him? Let’s just break this down a bit. You cannot show him that you accept his decision if it’s not actually true 100%. Accepting, in the truest meaning of the word, means you don’t need him to change. Accepting means you embrace who he is RIGHT NOW and you don’t need him to be any different. The truth is, you are accepting WITH CONDITIONS, so it’s not really acceptance. You will accept his decision to live his life the way he wants, AS LONG AS he “eventually” comes back to you. So there are strings attached here. Again…be really honest with yourself. It’s sooooo so important to be honest with yourself, first and foremost, because once this happens, you can then create movement forward with more clarity. It’s also a very important “muscle” to develop in yourself, because it will determine the quality of relationships you have with anyone. If you can’t be 100% honest with yourself, then you can’t offer that kind of honesty to anyone else, right?
I still want to have him in my life, but I also want it to go somewhere eventually. Soooo….does that mean that if you guys kept hanging out for another 2 years and he never made any advances to something romantic with you again, you would be okay with that? My guess is…probably not. Most people would not stick around, putting their entire life on hold, “waiting” for 2 years for someone to like them back. So what is your timeline? Are you willing to wait another year? Another 6 months? What is your limit? How long are you going to hold onto the idea of this guy before you are willing to TRULY accept that he is NOT in a place of wanting to commit?
I’m asking some tough questions here, because you are falling into a trap that is common for MANY women. You are young enough that it hasn’t tortured you for many years like it does soooooo many women (myself included). If you can acknowledge this now and recognize this trap, then you will save yourself a TON TON TON of heartache down the road.
What’s the trap? Loving the potential and NOT the reality. The reality of your situation is that he does not want to be with you 100%. A part of him does, but a BIGGER part of him doesn’t. So that part of him that wants to be with you, connects with you daily and keeps you on the hook. However, the BIGGER part of him keeps you at a distance while he goes and dates other girls and tells them that you are just a “friend” although he does not really behave that way. So he is quite confused for sure. While he is confused, you are quite clear about what you want. That’s the hard part. You keep hanging onto the vision (which is pure potential) that stops you from really being able to accept what is….RIGHT NOW. So again…the trap is loving and fully investing in POTENTIAL while ignoring the reality.
The thing is, what people don’t realize, is the moment they let go of the potential and the vision, it allows for other things to come in and change their life. You are so focused on having HIM as your person, that it stops you from seeing many other possibilities. And I’m not necessarily insinuating other guys here, as that is the smallest part of all of this. When any of us gets tunnel vision, about anything, there are always consequences to that. So what I like to suggest instead, is to have an expansive mindset. Have tunnel vision about the kind of relationship and love you want to experience – but instead of attaching this guy to that vision, you stay open for ANY guy to fill those shoes.
Now, with all of that being said, I will let you in on a SUPER IMPORTANT concept that I hope you will hold near and dear to your heart. YOU teach people how you want to be treated. So…by connecting with this guy on the daily and being 100% available and open-hearted to him WITHOUT him being invested in you the same way…you are teaching him this is okay. You are thinking that if somehow you can show him that you have changed and are better than before, then maybe he will come back to you. Let me say this in a different way…
Do you think it is a loving and caring thing for your heart to be invested with everything you have into a guy – but he isn’t giving you the same in return? Is that self-love? Is it self-love to keep creating a vision with a guy who doesn’t have the same vision??
Here’s the thing…guys are more attracted to a woman who carries herself with an incredible amount of respect and who has standards as to how she is treated. To put it bluntly, you are so easily accessible to him that he doesn’t ever have to work for you. He is dating and trying on different girls. You are someone he can keep coming back to – always – and get his “fix” because you are always available to him. A woman who values her heart, as if it is the MOST SACRED, MOST PRECIOUS thing she owns, would NOT allow anyone to play with her heart. She is clear about her standards and how she is treated and she does NOT negotiate away those standards for a subpar kind of connection. She values herself too much for that. THAT…is what a good man will fall for! The girls that are easy to get and the girls that do not REQUIRE them to treat them with respect, are the ladies that men don’t tend to play with vs. settle down with.
The thing is, you have to love yourself MORE than this substandard connection with him. You want to wait around until he figures out that you are worth having in his life??? Is that YOU respecting and honoring your heart? Is that you being self-loving? You are here trying to figure out what you can possibly say to get him back, but do you really want a guy who isn’t CLEAR, all on his own, that you are a woman he HAS TO HAVE in his life???
Something is stopping him from moving forward with you. Whatever it is, that’s HIS journey to take and not for YOU to try and say and be the “right” thing for him. If you value yourself, you set standards and say “look, you know how I feel. You are either in or out. I’m no longer doing this in-between kind of thing where we talk every day and build our connection while you are dating other girls and viewing me as your friend. I have feelings for you. I am NOT just a friend. This is not an okay design for me.” Yes, you might lose him completely AND you actually might become more attractive to him because you are setting some boundaries for yourself and requiring him to step up or step out. Either way, you are teaching him about you want to be treated – which is NOT being played with.
I know I have said a lot here, so let’s keep talking about this! There are many layers to this.
What are your thoughts? Feelings??
I’m hoping this wasn’t too harsh or frustrating for you. If it was, I fully invite your honesty! Your feeling matter!
Heidi
