[Heidi G]

Hello there! Welcome!

Thank you for sharing all of this. It all sounds very confusing and that you guys can’t make up your minds. I’m unsure how to guide you as I don’t know what is causing the constant breaking up. 7 years is a very long time to have this pattern. The problem is that you guys keep engaging in that pattern instead of working through it and fighting to stay together. If he is the one breaking up every time, it sounds like he is more of a runner vs. stay and fight. Also, after 7 years of being together and still wanting to maintain separate houses because living together freaks him out…that’s also an indication of some commitment issues going on for him. Do you understand where any of this might be stemming from? Did he have a difficult upbringing? Maybe bad experiences with relationships in the past?

I know I am intense and like to drive the relationship. I have to accept to move on or be patient so he can do his masculine energy stuff. Let’s talk about this a little more. What does it mean you are intense? How does that get expressed in your connection? How are you wanting to drive the relationship? Do you have that tendency only with him or is that a pattern in all of your relationships? Do you have an understanding as to where this pattern comes from? Usually, when there is a high need to control the relationship or life in general, it’s coming from a place of fear. What are you afraid of?

What’s happening for you during sex that you tend to drift off in your head and disconnect from him? Is this a typical pattern you have with him or is that something that has happened with other partners as well?

What would you say causes the breakup each time? Are you happy with him? Do you like the relationship and how you guys connect when you are together?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Fist thing he asked was how I liked online dating and what my experience on line was. ??? I’m curious what you thing is “stalker-like” about this question. Personally, I think it’s just a question that doesn’t send off any caution flags for me. What you are feeling from this question?

I find it interesting that the zoosk guy gets put into a box of “stalker-ish” by asking for your email, yet the guy you are meeting with this weekend, asked to give you his phone # so you guys could communicate that way. What’s the difference here?

Where are you guys going on Sunday? What do you like about him so far?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I love how much you are socializing! All these events sound like fun! There is a lot to look forward to….FINALLY! It’s been so long since you have been able to do stuff like this and feel grounded in your life. This is good medicine for your soul 🙂

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Communication is so incredibly different. Even someone like me who has practiced and studied it for decades, still gets misunderstood MANY times. The reality is, no matter what you say, every guy that reads it will receive it differently and you have no control over that. It’s just the reality of life and interacting with each other. Add on top of that the potential for romance and you get a TON more junk for people to shift through. Romance is so tough for this very reason. People are operating from past traumas, unresolved hurts, fears, social programming, religious/spiritual dogma, family programming and soooooo much more. All this “stuff” influences how someone hears you, sees you, experiences you and the kind of connection they offer. Online dating, as wonderful as it has been connecting people from around the world, is also incredibly destructive. I always find it fascinating how you take an entity like online dating and watch how it evolves collectively. It’s always an amazing reflection of where the collective consciousness lives. We are struggling quite a bit with how to relate to each other in healthy, respectful and honoring ways. Lots of growing pains, right?

So what are you going to do about your friendship with Deb? Do you feel okay that she ditched you again? Or do you feel you need to shift that connection?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Jennifer,

Welcome! This is a good place to explore different ways to approach things!

I know it can be incredibly frustrating to have a guy connect very strongly and then slowly disappear. It doesn’t feel good.

As much as you want him to “cut it out,” what is more important is to pay attention to this. He is telling you something by NOT telling you something. It’s very possible that he is playing games and he is just more interested in having sex than developing something serious.

Also, texting sweet/sexy things, to a guy you barely know, can be quite a turnoff for a guy. It can feel like moving too fast and a guy will slow his role sooooo fast and be a lot less responsive when he feels like the woman is latching on.

What I would suggest is to back off. Stop initiating any texting. Let him reach out to you and respond to him when HE makes the effort. And sometimes, wait 24 hours to respond just like he does. It will help him feel like there is some good, healthy space.

Is this the typical way you approach dating? Do you tend to connect pretty strongly, pretty fast? Do you tend to have sex pretty quickly? Are you looking for something serious or just wanting a friends with benefits kind of situation.

Looking forward to hearing back from you!

Heidi

[Heidi G]

I know you feel split in half. It’s so incredibly hard when we have strong feelings for a guy, to let go and stop reaching out. It’s going to take a lot of strength for you – at least for right now.

Get back out there and keep dating. Keep reminding yourself that it doesn’t matter how great things are when they are in person, he is not able to maintain that connection when you are away from each other. It’s like “out of site, out of mind” for him and you ABSOLUTELY deserve sooooooo much more than that kind of connection. You want a guy who is connective with you even when you are apart. You want a guy who is responsive to you, a guy who initiates, a guy who has NOTHING stopping him from wanting to be with you. That is NOT this guy. So every time you think about him and want to reach out, remind yourself of the truth that he doesn’t treat you the way you want to be treated. He is NOT invested and that is not okay for you to keep dishing out your sacred, heart energy to a guy who doesn’t value it.

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Rhonda!

This is a great list! Well done!

The first thing I REALLY want to continue to emphasize is to not personalize anything. You have this tendency to use the “you” a lot when describing something – which makes it very personal – and there is a chance it can be quite off putting or misconstrued. For example, when you say “I’d rather be sharing a bowl of popcorn with “you” while watching “your” favorite team than a movie – this is quite assumptive that every guy has a “team” so if a guy doesn’t have a team, he won’t see himself in this role and not be able to identify with what you are saying. Also, it portrays that you are the kind of woman that is willing to and happy to give up what YOU want to actually watch for the man…which can be construed as you being the type of woman who is a “people – pleaser” and that is a trait a lot of men are turned off by.

Let’s go through these a bit:
1. I love the first one – it demonstrates that you are playful and love to have fun
2. I’m not sure about this one because I’m not the demographic you are wanting to attract plays video games. Video games are typically associated with kids or young adults, so I’m not sure that it’s an analogy that is useable for the age group that matches with you. So leave the first part and maybe consider changing the second part to something that is more common you find in your age group?
3. Maybe consider changing this one all together? Why not talk about your photography or going on a walk or cooking or learning a new hobby over going out to a fancy restaurant or something like that. Again, keep away from making it personal by taking out the “you” part of it.
4. This is a great one!
5. This one doesn’t tell me much about you other than I might get the impression you are “needy” and you want to be with someone rather than being alone – which again is a trait that many men run away from.

And just because I am saying all of this, doesn’t mean I am “right.” It needs to make sense to YOU more than anything. So if all of these feel really to good to you, then stick with it! What I will tell you is that it is waaaaaay more interesting to read than a typical paragraph of someone listing their qualities. It’s different, it’s more fun, it’s interesting, it makes me think about myself and therefore it’s more effective and makes you stand out a bit more.

Thoughts?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Martina,

I LOVE LOVE LOVE everything you are sharing! You are quite knowledgeable and it makes this conversation that much more expansive. So let’s dig deeper!

The general theme that I noticed in what you just wrote, is that what you believe and have experienced, DOES NOT align with what the thoughts that showed up in your actions of building the wall and sabotaging the connection.

I’ll start with these statements – you felt this way with him:During the relationship and after break up I wondered why I felt so good with him. I found several answers. Because I had the feeling that he always experienced, saw, heard and listened to me. How can I say it, somehow he always cared for me and tried to make me feel happy. He would also listen to my problems or wishes, ideas and react to them, either with small gestures or actions or conversations…Furthermore, I always felt that he had respect for me as well as for himself. I also felt that he had trust and reliability in me. But your thought process that led to you not being honest with him from the beginning was: Yes, I thought that at that moment my unclear opinion would be a burden to him. Also, I was afraid to hear “inconvenience” him with my thoughts. There is a discrepancy here, right? If he has never taught you or told you that your feelings were a burden and if he has never communicated or showed you that your feelings would “inconvenience him” THEN…that means this thought process you had that led you into shutting him out is coming from your subconscious. Someone, somewhere, somehow, taught you this. People DO NOT have these types of thoughts without someone teaching them this.

Let’s go a layer deeper…So this discrepancy between what your experiences are with him and the story you created about “inconveniencing” him or “burdening” him with your feelings shows you the difference between your conscious and your subconscious. In this particular case, your subconscious was stronger…the wounded part of you in your subconscious that is carrying the story that your feelings are a burden or inconvenient to him – is the part of you that built that wall.

Here is another discrepancy – you KNOW the truth through and through with this statement: The funny thing is that I actually have a great awareness of the value and significance of negative emotions, in fact I problematized my artistic practice, where I dedicated an entire exhibition to that topic. And everything you wrote about negative emotions absolutely stands and everything you wrote is very valuable and important. But your actions DO NOT align with this truth: I built such a strong wall that eventually destroyed it.

Again, your conscious and your subconscious “splitting” you. Here is another way to look at it….You have a lot of KNOWLEDGE, but turning into WISDOM is a completely different thing. Knowledge is the truth you are able to know. It’s you filling up your mind to understand what is happening and why. Wisdom is knowledge in action. You know when knowledge has reached the wisdom level, when you actually are able to live that knowledge in your life through and through. I’ll use what you say here as an example. You have the knowledge of the truth of the value of the dark emotions/feelings. Yet…your ACTIONS showed you that you hid your darker/confusing/fearful thoughts and feelings from your guy. So in this particular situation, you were not able to have your ACTIONS align with your KNOWLEDGE. So…your adult knows the truth, but your wounded child has a very different story that inhibits the truth to guide your actions. Instead, your fear guided your actions. Basically, all this shows you is that your wounded self, who is only trying to protect you, was stronger than your adult self, who knows you don’t need to protect yourself from him.

Like I said in the beginning Martina, you are quite knowledgeable…but some of that knowledge is not a part of you yet, because you still have a pretty strong little girl energy running a “story” around love that it’s not safe to be open and vulnerable and honest. That’s the beauty of these kinds of challenges and heartbreaks that show up…it reveals where we are not in alignment in our actions with the truths that we know.

I hope I explained all of this to where it’s making sense to you. It’s so incredibly hard to explain all of this over messaging. I hope I am understanding you correctly and that you are understanding more about your actions vs. the truth that you know.

And let me make sure I am really clear here: everything I am explaining here is situation specific and not to be generalized. You may live the majority of time being very open and honest with your guy, but in this particular situation you didn’t. This is so important to understand, because this specific situation triggered a fear response in you that disconnected you from your truth. Understanding what that specific piece is – can lead you deeper into understanding more about how you relate to “love.” Does this make sense?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

The sad thing is, I know I he is capable of showing affection/emotion and being more romantic.. Let’s look at reality here though. I know you know this part of him exists, but the REALITY is that he does not live that way and he hasn’t lived this way in a really long time. From what you are telling me, he has slowly continued to distance himself to the point where you guys live as roommates and nothing more. I love that he supports in one area of your life. However, there is another area of your life where he IS NOT supporting you. Is that something you can be okay with? It doesn’t make him a “good” or “bad” guy. It just makes him a person with limitations, just like all of us. The thing is, his limitations really affect your connection in a way that is killing off the energy.

He’s just so deep in work, so that he can provide, that it consumes him and the last few days have been void of most all emotion. You are making excuses for him here. You are finding a reason to “excuse” his lack of emotion. The truth is, work is just an excuse, not the REASON. There are PLENTY of men out there that work a lot, but they still have emotions, they still connect with their partners, they still are romantic and they still create space to nourish their relationships. What the challenge here is, is that he is CHOOSING not connect to his love anymore with you. Work is just a place where he can distract him and also give you a “valid” reason as to why he is not available and you are accepting that. If you didn’t accept that and asked for more from him, I think you would end up facing the reality that he is not willing to fight to “wake up” the relationship and connection again. I imagine this is what you are most afraid of, so you are accepting HIS design of connecting like roommates.

When you think back to the time when you felt he was really connected to you and romantic, what kinds of activities did you do together? How did he show you that he loved you? In what ways was he romantic with you?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Adelaide,

You didn’t mess anything up. The RIGHT kind of guy for you, will not let your anxiety or your pressure or your questions or having sex too early, stop him from wanting to know you and connect with you. The RIGHT kind of guy for you, will have a very natural desire to want to connect, to want to talk, to want to learn about you.

This guy is behaving EXACTLY like what he says he wants…something casual. He is NOT interested in anything serious with you. He is treating you like a “friends with benefits” type of casual. He enjoys you when you guys are able to get together, but other than that, the texting and phone conversations are not something he is interested in doing. He also knows you feel more strongly for him than he feels about you, so I have no doubt that he is keeping his distance to prevent “leading you on.”

You think you are losing this guy, but to be honest, you never really had him the first place. You want a relationship and you want to progress with him, but his words AND actions are completely aligned – he wants casual and nothing more. It’s important for you to really honor this. You are either not the right fit for him or he is just not emotionally available. It doesn’t matter “why,” what matters is that he is not able to offer you what you want. Even if you had done everything “perfectly” it wouldn’t change that he is who he is right now.

It seems you are pretty wrapped up in the idea of getting him to commit to you. I understand as you feel very strongly for him. What’s more important that anything is for you to really respect and listen to who he is right now. So for right now, I suggest to keep the pressure off of him. It sounds like the design you guys have right now where you occasionally meet up, is what works well for him. Is that something you are happy doing? I would also suggest to connect with him less. Again, if YOU make all the effort, he doesn’t have to “work” for you. Are you willing to let HIM reach out and ask to meet with you? Can you let him miss you? Are you okay texting him less?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi BB,

Welcome! I love that you are here seeking another opinion. Very smart! We all need help with our relationships from time to time.

I can understand your worry and concern. For him to have a sudden shift like that, is definitely suspicious. Until you have some kind of proof, there really is no way of knowing and it’s just a guessing game…a game not worth playing. Either confront him about it or wait for more information to get exposed or start looking for evidence.

What you CAN focus on is the relationship itself. From how you describe it, it seems you do not feel very nourished by it. No romance, no connection other than talking about work, he doesn’t show emotion – so it sounds exactly like what you said – a roommate type of situation and not an alive and vibrant connection….so I’m wondering…do you actually like your relationship? Is having a “nice” guy enough for you? Instead of thinking of this from the perspective of “I think he has lost interest in me” what if you looked at it as if “Does he interest ME? Do I love being around him? Does he stimulate my mind, body and spirit?” It sounds like he is a guy who you feel safe and comfortable with, but beyond that, there isn’t much else going on.

So here is the hard question you need to really explore…if he stayed exactly the same and never changed (aside from him waking up all edgy and weird), can you imagine feeling happy with him and nourished by him 5 more years? 10 more years? Is what he offers you the kind of love you want to continue to experience for many more years?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Adelaine,

Where’d you go? Any thoughts about what I said? Any new developments?

Heidi

[Heidi G]

Hi Erica,

I just wanted to check in. Any thoughts or feelings about what I said? Any new developments??

Heidi

[Heidi G]

So how did the bid go? What exactly are you remodeling? I hope it turns out to be something affordable and wonderful for you.

Heidi

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